Friday, February 28, 2014

Batman and Two-Face #28

It seems like a mistake to completely surround three people with this much firepower. Just one person has to panic and start shooting for just about everybody to be killed or wounded.

I was getting bored with this comic book because Two-Face doesn't really interest me. But then Tomasi had Batman visit Noonan's and I got really excited because Hitman was a character I could understand! He liked to drink beers and earn money by killing people while also trying to get laid by a cop. Bullets and demons and misogyny and beers! That's the kind of thing I can understand! But all of this inner turmoil spurred on by a faulty ethical philosophy backed by severe narcissism and the belief that random chance is responsible for all of his actions and choices to avoid feeling the weight of mature, adult responsibility? That's all too far over my head. I'm not writing a comic book thesis like some people that I may or may not know! I just want to read funny books and make dick jokes! Stop trying to write literyture, Tomasi. All these characters driven by desires and motivations arising from their past choices is too much to keep track of! All I need is to know that Batman is sad that his parents died and now wants to prevent sadness. Two-Face is crazy because he listens to a coin. And Erin McKillabody blames everyone but herself for her own problems. See? Now I'm ready to find out how it all ends! Will Batman prevent sadness? Will Erin McKilljoy kill Two-Face and solve all of her problems? Will Two-Face finally flip his coin in just the right way to bring Gilda back? Let's find out now in the continuing saga of Batman and No Robin!

Two-Face has been captured by one of the Gotham Crime Families that I'll never force my brain to remember and is about to be executed live on the televisions. They want all of Gotham's Super Villains to know that a new day is dawning and that day is a day where Two-Face is dead. Also a day where they will probably soon be dead too. But Batman will save the super villains! Because Batman is crazy. His ethical philosophy is also fucked up. Maybe I was wrong when I said his goal was to prevent sadness because he's causing more sadness by saving Two-Face and whoever else these guys might kill. He's just out to prevent murder and crime. He doesn't care how much murder and crime he's allowing by saving certain people from murder and crime! He's a Bat-Jerko.

Batman figures out where Two-Face is being held because he's a genius detektif. He also doesn't need to protect Erin anymore so he ditches her with the Gotham Police and heads off to save Two-Face.

I wonder if Two-Face has ever seen a double rainbow? I bet he'd wonder what it meant! And half of his face would cry while the other half laughed!

Oh Batman. Why do you think everybody can be saved?

As Batman is trying to save Harvey's life while also scolding him for not turning his tragedy into an opportunity to prevent sadness, Two-Face screams, "Like you did, Bruce?" Right in front of everybody! Good thing the fire and the bullets drowned out the sound of Harvey's shouts.

This is Bruce's "I am disappoint" face when he discovers his secret identity isn't as ironclad as he believed.

Bruce tells Harvey to follow the edge of the coin where his good and bad selves meet. He needs to bring balance to his life. But Harvey tells Bruce to fuck off and tries to burn the shit out of everything.

Gordon and the Gotham Police arrive to escalate the situation. Two-Face shoots Gordon but that doesn't stop him from chastising Harvey as well! What is with these guys? So they thought they were a good law enforcement team before Dent went insane. But now he's fucking insane! Let him go! Stop trying to convince the guy with the mental breakdown that he's still a good guy. Or at least get him into some real rehabilitation and stop sending him to Arkham! Jesus. You want to him to deal with his problems, don't send him to the place that causes more.

Now Harvey decides to flip a coin for Gordon's life.

I guess that means Harvey must kill himself. Or Gordon must surrender.

Well shit. Um. I mean. I was just fucking joking, man.

Oh yeah. He pulls the trigger, all right. As his coin spins on its edge and he dies before seeing how it lands.

Fucking Tomasi. This is a genius reboot of the character of Two-Face! Kill off Harvey Dent and allow for Erin McKillemall to rise up as a replacement Two-Face. She is currently in prison amassing a gang of fresh blood to take over Gotham. She has Harvey Dent's handkerchief which she uses to wipe the blood from her face which is constantly dripping out of the scar under her eye. So she's not as drastic a Two-Face as Harvey but she's also a twin so there were literally two of this face at one time. Now she can go insane believing she's both halves.

Batman and Two-Face #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. What a spectacular finish to this story. I really like that it covers the basics of Harvey's rise and fall before finishing with him once and for all. And inextricably linked to that story is the fall and rise of his replacement, Erin McKillen. More of this kind of shit needs to go down for The New 52 to really separate itself from DC's old universe. Obviously DC can't change everything too dramatically. But small steps like this are really good for The New 52. While this seemed to be a story about Two-Face, it was really a story about Two-Face's successor and her rise to power. And since I'm not a fan of Two-Face, this story just became so much better! Maybe I'll reread it now! Once again, Tomasi is showing everybody else how to do comic books right.

Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Harley Quinn #3

This comic book should be rated Teen Plus simply for making the focal point of the cover Harley's vagina.

Last issue, Poison Ivy came for a visit and she and Harley stole a bunch of animals together and slept naked in the same bed. They also killed a man and fed him to Harley's new pets. But it was all in good fun and appropriate for teenagers of all ages and not just teenagers of the plus variety which I don't even know what that means. I hate ratings, especially these self-imposed ratings by companies they arbitrarily stick on their comics so the government and outraged mothers will get off of their backs. They're meaningless! If people really want ratings that have an effect on children, start rating children! Notice which kids are the bastards teaching the other kids naughty words or telling them that Santa doesn't exist and slap Teen Plus Ratings on those bastards! The best way to identify which kids are going to corrupt the other kids is by checking if they have older siblings. If they do, they're going to be trouble! Elementary schools should have separate classes and recess time for kids with older siblings and kids without. You'll always be able to tell the 3rd grade class with older siblings because they'll be playing craps behind the school, cursing at every die roll as they pass around candy cigarettes and apple juice hooch.

Today is Valentine's Day (in the comic. I'm not that senile) and Harley is missing The Joker's face. But that's not going to stop her from getting cleaned up and hitting the town to find some cute guy that's not trying to kill her.

Who doesn't keep a stack of toasters by the tub?

I hope DC Editorial will give Conner and Palmiotti first dibs at the next return of The Joker for this book. Although I don't know what Joker is going to do for a face in his next appearance. Maybe The Joker is the one who put out the hit on Harley. Just for fun, you know? Or maybe he wants her face? It's a nice face! I'd take it if I didn't already have a face. Or maybe The Joker will use the skin from her chest as his new face and look out of her nipples? What would that comic book be rated? DYST+: Disturbing Yet Strangely Titillating Plus?

I think I'm finally glad that nobody ever reads my commentaries and thinks, "I'm going to draw that!"

Masturbation jokes are my bread and butter. Also, bread and butter is good for masturbation.

Harley believes the best thing to do on Valentine's Day is to eat some hallucinogenic berries left behind by Poison Ivy and head out to a single's bar. To be fair, the berry plant was marked with a hastily scrawled post-it note that said, "For love." Fun Fact: Davy Jones of The Monkees Fame did not invent the Post-it note.

I just created a recipe that you might want to try as an appetizer for your next big party: Goldfish Crackers on Cheez-its. Delicious! If you want to get really fancy, try sticking the Goldfish to the Cracker with a dollop of Ranch Dressing. Incidentally, I hate Ranch Dressing (and most salad dressings actually) but I know all of you American fatties just love it on everything! Ranch with Ranch (and maybe a side of Mayo) is the rallying cry of the American Stomach.

Apparently Harley's berries cause her hair to emit an aroma of pink hearts which causes Correction Officers to fall in love with her and crash the busload of dangerous criminals they're driving around, allowing the criminals to get free. That's a really complex evolutionary trait for a berry to display! Poison Ivy is really good at what she does!

A-ha! The Berry makes the consumer smell like whatever the smeller of the smell truly loves! Also more masturbation humor with that lotion guy! I just made a masturbation/lotion joke in my Batman and Robin Annual #2 commentary! It did not involve me masturbating to Robin, you perv. Maybe if I had made that joke in Worlds' Finest Annual #1!

Harley Quinn soon finds herself in a wacky chase that could easily end in a comedy gangbang. It would have to be a comedy gangbang because this comic book is all about cartoon violence. I bet Harley is really dreading that "my vagina is a clown car" joke she made way back in an early issue of Suicide Squad! To prevent the worst Valentine's Day date ever, Harley breaks into DC's Version of Home Depot to find a weapon. I rarely set foot into stores like Home Depot so I don't know if they sell over-sized mallets.

Harley puts the "propane shrapnel bomb" in vagina. If you spell vagina "vapropaneginshrapnelabomb."

A lot of construction themed puns and death ensue. You got your "Dweeb-Whacker" and your "propane in your ass" and your "nail you to the wall" and you have "a piece of my sweet axe." Those were the puns and not the death! Although death is the result of each of those puns, so maybe puns and death are interchangeable.

There's also this one pun where the final violent sex criminal is lying on his back and Harley is straddling him with her vagina right over his heart and he says she's "warming the cockles" of his heart. That's sex-talk, right? So she brains him with a wrench but she doesn't say anything witty like, "This should tighten your nuts!" Unless that's not witty. Maybe she could have said, "I'm done monkeying around!" Or, "The doctor said to take one wrench and call the funeral director in the morning to schedule your services because you're dead from the wrench the doctor prescribed and I hit you with!"

So Harley kills them all and goes outside to be confronted by a policewoman.

I bet there's either a "smells like doughnuts" joke or a "smells like beaver" joke coming up!

I was really hoping for the beaver joke.

Harley runs home, slingshots the love berries into the seal pool at the zoo (I'm glad we won't be seeing the comic book about the next visitors to check out the seals), and finally decides that romance is stupid. Except of course with The Joker! I'm sure she'd still love to sit on his face. If anyone can find it.

Harley Quinn #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's just whimsical, wacky fun with large doses of brutal violence! But then so was Looney Tunes! Heck, Looney Tunes even had the same near rape theme every time they ran a Pepé Le Pew cartoon.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1

Is this the line where I make the "Fist Contact" joke?

Another annual to get through! It's not too bad because I like these characters. Unlike trying to slog though an extra issue of Teen Titans. Plus a bonus cover by Emanuela Lupacchino! Let's just look at that awhile. Can I just look at it for an hour and then end my commentary? Maybe make punching noises? Socko! Blammo! Pow! Right in the cock sucker!

Maybe I shouldn't assume that The Huntress is into dick. It's not like she's flying around like Power Girl fucking every good looking boy she can get her super fast hands on. She could have a crush on her best friend. Or maybe she just doesn't ever think about fucking because justice is so important! "How can one, lone Robin think about a full pair of lips rubbing themselves gently across her blossoming lady flower when evil's tongue licks salaciously at the sight of Justice's full rump?" is what she would probably say.

This Annual is called "The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl" because it takes place years ago on Earth 2. It begins with Batman and Robin raiding the best little whorehouse in Gotham.

This guy is desperately trying to remember the policy on refunds. Or if his consort has time to finish her handjob before Batman and Robin turn their attention toward him.

Once all the hired muscle are unconscious, Batman sends Robin home because he doesn't want her dying like her mom did. That's actually the case they're working on right now: The Case of the Curious Cat. Batman is terrified of losing Helena as well, so he doesn't want her risking her life. But she probably will risk it! Just like Dick did in Batman and Robin Annual #2! Maybe I can just copy and paste what I said there and use it here.

I really can use my commentary from Tomasi's Annual! Batman realizes Robin isn't going home because she's a teenager so he follows her discretely to see how she does on her own. I hope she doesn't resort to using a gun. She doesn't use a gun but she manages to spear a guy through the liver with a fire poker! I think Helena can get away with murder because she's the daughter of Bruce's true love, Selina. Plus life is dirt cheap on Earth 2! Probably. It's a pretty shitty Earth.

Everybody on New Earth suffers from Daddy Issues and everyone on Earth 2 suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. That's why Superman became Flip the Fuck Out Superman after being kidnapped by Darkseid! And Batman became Bedlam and Wonder Woman became Beguile!

The second chapter is about Power Girl going out on the town to learn about how awesome sex probably is. I mean how awesome it definitely is! Especially when the one thing happens to the lady! And then that other thing happens to the person the lady is doing it to! So awesome. Power Girl wants to find out about that and her Cousin Kal refuses to show her! He won't even let her watch when he does it to Lois! So she's going to find out tonight no matter what the cost! As long as the cost is under twenty dollars because Kal is also a cheapskate when it comes to her allowance.

He must be a super villain because she didn't break his face with her super kissing.

Before Supergirl can find out what Ken's dick tastes like, the Worldgov building explodes. Ken becomes worried because his father, Kaizen Gamorra, was inside. He leaves Kara in the men's bathroom at the park where she's able to change into her Supergirl suit and fly off to save the day. But she's a big secret that has never been allowed to leave the house, so she can't be seen or Superman will be pissed. And since this chapter began with her crying and saying Superman will be pissed, I'm guessing she was seen!

Or maybe just responsible for Ken's death when the men's bathroom he brings his dates to collapses on him.

In Chapter Three, Helena and Kara finally get to hang out as they investigate the explosion that killed Ken. Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "Leave the investigating to me!" And Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "I think I found a clue!" And Supergirl says "OWIE!" as the clue punches her in all the lady parts.

All her parts are lady parts!

The clue flees when Supergirl has to stop being punched long enough to save Robin from being crushed in the rubble. But they eventually track her down and continue the fight because they had to change locations for some reason! Perhaps it's because they had to wind up where Wonder Woman was so the cover wouldn't be a total lie. Wonder Woman doesn't want Supergirl beating up the clue because the clue is her daughter, Fury. For some reason, Wonder Woman's daughter is now working with Apokolips. Also she Boom Tubes to safety while Supergirl and Wonder Woman argue. And that's the end of that for some reason.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1 Rating: I guess I just spent $4.99 to find out that Fury was Wonder Woman's daughter! I guess if you twisted my arm (and other things if I ask nicely), I'd say there was more to this comic book than that revelation. But not much more! Maybe the fact that we found out Batman of Earth 2 is ticklish! That might be important later. Maybe that's how they'll defeat Bedlam! By throwing a tickle party in his pants.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.

Batman #28

Is Batman Eternal going to be stories about the Legacy Batmans that take over after Bruce Wayne? Like that one in that big fat expensive issue of Detective Comics?

Last issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

No, it actually starts with Harper being hassled by Gotham Cops (possibly) in riot gear. I'm sure she deserves it because look at her asymmetric haircut and all of her face piercings! Definitely up to no good. If she doesn't think she needs to show her respect for society by looking like a law abiding citizen, then what other things is she disrespecting? I bet she shoplifts! And has premarital sex with people of different races! I bet she's never once stepped foot in a church except to blaspheme Christ! This piece of trouble has Ouija Board written all over her! But at least she doesn't have a tattoo on her neck, so she probably doesn't murder children.

The police long to beat her but she says some secret spy phrase about Gotham making the bees get on their knees or something and instead of putting her in the hospital like a couple of good bad cops, they escort her to a fancy party.

You can't tell from this scan but there's a big fancy dress party taking place in a cave with giant cat statues on the other page.

I should probably mention that this story does not take place in the "NOW" time but in the "SOON" time! It's also called "Gotham Eternal."

Turns out Harper is working with Batman to infiltrate this place. And Batman is working with a woman back at the Batcave doing Alfred's job. So genius that I am, it's beginning to dawn on me that this story does not take place six years ago at all! It may as well have been about a Czechoslovakian gunning down wild dogs for as much as either of them have to do with The Riddler story that had been taking place.

Batman and Harper break a few skulls together. Batman is surprised to see that Harper has been training instead of being a good civilian character that screws with the electrical grid and she points out, in a round about way, that Batman's sidekicks have been training her. So Batman has sidekicks now! And by now I mean soon! I hope he has about a dozen of them. Eventually the owner of the club grows tired of Batman and Harper raising her insurance premiums and she steps out of the shadows to reveal herself in the biggest non-surprise of the year!

I mean, really. Giant cat statues? Although I guess it could have been King Tut but fuck him! Whenever I stumble upon an old episode of The Batman television series and the villain is King Tut, I lose my chubby immediately.

Catwoman has taken over the Gotham Underworld and now controls the city. She's more powerful than Batman or The Court of Owls or Bane in his wet dreams. Selina gets Batman down on his knees and says she'll give him some vaginafor. And Batman says, "What's a vagina for?" And Selina goes, "I thought you'd never ask!" Oral sex ensues.

Or this happens. Take your pick.

Batman tells Harper to lay off his ex-fuck buddy but he calls Harper "Bluebird" as he does it. So I guess Harper becomes one of Batman's sidekicks! Perhaps Carrie Kelley is the other sidekick back at the Bat-cave. And apparently Batman is not encouraging Harper to seek out physical combat training from Carrie (or Robin (or whatever name she'll take)).

Meanwhile the reason that Batman has sought out Selina's help to stop whatever outbreak is taking place above ground is revealed: Stephanie Brown, aka Spoiler. She seems to know how to stop whatever is going on. And that's it for that story which will be continued in Batman Eternal #1.

Batman #28 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't care if this was an entertaining story or not (it was!). But this issue was basically Batman Eternal #0. So fuck you and your marketing bullshit, DC. This might as well have just been Batman Eternal #1, you thoroughly ravished glory holes. But instead, you shove it into a book that's in the middle of a very long story arc which is selling very well in the hopes of getting people excited about your stupid weekly series that already has Batman in the title anyway so why would you be worried about it not being picked up? Why did I just pay $3.99 for an advertisement of Batman Eternal in Batman? Sure, I get that it really isn't much difference. I would have picked up Batman Eternal #1 alongside Batman #28 anyway. You'd have gotten my money either way. But fuck you for delaying The Riddler story in the middle of the arc. I'm especially angry at you for forcing me to be fake angry at something so fucking inconsequential as having been forced to read a Batman story in a Batman comic book! Jerks!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!

Monday, February 24, 2014

Superboy #28

I hope he's trying to commit suicide by crushing his own head.

I have never been a fan of Superboy. I just didn't care about him at all. But thanks to Lobdell and Wolfman, I now hate Superboy with the kind of primal hate that teenagers save exclusively for their parents when their parents won't allow them to go to some event where the person that teenager has a huge crush on is going to be. But instead the parents make that teenager stay home and read shitty comic books about shitty characters that were shitty before they even became a new character that's even shittier! Fuck you, Superboy! Get the fuck out of here!

Last issue some ridiculous stuff was happening with ridiculous people and it involved all those ridiculous Teen Titans in a ridiculous future involving a trial with that ridiculous Kid Flash. When the editors at DC had the meeting about the Teen Titans characters and what the team will be like in The New 52, they must have unanimously decided that they simply had to suck.

So I find myself thinking, "What the fuck could be worse than having to read another Superboy comic that crosses over with those shitty Teen Titans?"

Fuck me.

Please, Harvest. You aren't fooling anybody. Trying to look like somebody has you at a disadvantage. You know you planned for this to happen! That's all you do! That's your superpower: the power to plan everything. So you're not fooling anybody and you're especially not fooling me because I know you're Tim Drake from the future after he's been bitten by a vampire. So stop pretending to be some grieving father that created Joke-el to destroy all the super humans. Because I know better! You're just Tim Drake and you hate that you're the smartest guy in the world but you get less attention than a bunch of dimwitted people that were lucky enough to have super powers. So you've made it your goal to kill them all. You're a pathetic wretch!

This might be the worst thing I've read so far: "I can sense him in the time stream." But, you know, I wouldn't expect anything less from the mouth of Harvest. What a piece of shit creation.

One of the few things that I think the Reboot had right when it began was to break time travel. But apparently a few writers that spent many years at Marvel learning that plots derived from people from the future and alternate timelines decided to ignore the whole Flashpoint Paradox. I'm looking at you, Lobdell and DeFalco! Either they were too stupid to understand how time travel would theoretically work or they just decided that the Flashpoint Paradox was only in effect in one fucking specific timeline which meant they could bring people from the future from alternate timelines. And so now DC is stuck with this lousy after-dinner mint Harvest. Nobody wants you, Harvest! You taste horrible!

Back in the future, Joke-el teams up with S-Cheese while Raven manipulates them from the shadows. I hope Raven and Harvest become lovers. And I use the term "lovers" because it reminds me of Romeo and Juliet which ends in two truly delicious suicides! Not that the suicides were delicious in that play! But if Ravest were to commit suicide? Oh glory! Hallelujah! We'll have made it to the other shore!

Yes, this makes total sense. S-Cheese must have had Fox News pumped into her stasis chamber for the last seventeen years. Lazy, apathetic, have-no-fucking-dreams-at-all mankind! Just let the superheroes do it all!

The past that S-Cheese's world is from is an analogous universe that might have been if the people of our world were to give up their freedom in exchange for safety. Also if our world had super heroes in it. I guess the super heroes are a metaphor for politicians and shit. And I bet they started down this horrible road because of gun control laws and abortion! Possibly also sugared soda! And video games!

For having been put in stasis since she was a newborn (although I don't know how she grew to the seventeen year old she is now if she were in stasis), she sure knows a lot of history about her world! I guess since her "Stasis Tube" didn't truly put her in stasis, she was free to read people's minds while imprisoned.

S-Cheese goes on to explain how the stasis tubes were actually just sleep tubes that put people into a state of hibernation. So basically they're shoved into a tube, put into a medically induced coma, and remain completely out of it until they die of old age. In 1000 years, that's the best advancement they could make on putting people into stasis? You'd think if they'd traveled across the galaxy searching for alien life and fleeing Old Earth, they'd have made some kind of advancement in true stasis technology! But instead they invent a tube filled with liquid that can't keep a newborn from growing at a normal rate.

Apparently even the other prisoners aren't actually in any kind of mental stasis since Saturn Girl S-Cheese suddenly feels emotions of joy coming from Cosmic Boy Lodestone and Lightning Lad Volt! And since they're happy that they're going to be free soon, Joke-el decides to free them. Um, yay?

Previously I had suggested that a new group of Ravagers was being formed to go back in time and hang out with Harvest. But I guess Wolfman is creating a new, twisted version of The Legion of Super-Heroes with, once again, Superboy's help. Will it become a New 52 title eventually? God I hope not.

After Superboy frees his new Legion members, S-Cheese nearly kills a handful of guards. But Superboy stops her because he doesn't want the Titans to discover what's going on. She thanks him from stopping her from becoming a murderer. She seems so sincere that it's too bad Wolfman has Joke-el, Saturn Cheese, Lode Boy, and Volt Lad kill everyone in a nearby ECHO base to steal their weapons. And then the final bit of dialogue and I'm off to the bathroom to vomit for three hours.

For my own sanity, I might have to drop every comic book that relies on time travel and characters from alternate timelines.

Superboy #28 Rating: No change but only because if it drops any ranks it becomes worse than Teen Titans and I blame Teen Titans for this comic book being so horrible. I love time travel stories. When they're done well! But this whole idea of time travelers from alternate timelines coming back to change the timeline they came from is just stupid ridiculous nonsense. Or characters in the present trying to save a specific timeline that will result in a specific future. Stop writing alternate timeline stories that have characters believing there can only be one true timeline when they've obviously come from other timelines. Why are they bothering to force their timeline into existence when it already fucking exists? Why are they bothering to try to stop their timeline from existing when it obviously already exists? They're all just wanking off into the wind. Stupid fucking bullshit. An example of a DC time travel story that I've liked during the Reboot? Booster Gold's brief time in All Star Western as well as Jonah Hex's visit to the present. Those are fun because Hex isn't trying to change anything or keep anything from changing. He's just caught up in an inadvertent journey and just wants to get back home.

Also, I actually think I wouldn't mind a Twisted Legion of Super-heroes comic book but I can't endorse one when I think it's going to be this Harvest and Joke-el timeline crap. I'd love it if it were just about the future and the twisted Legion doing whatever they're doing in the future. But fuck it if they're concerned with somehow changing the past because why fucking bother, you idiots!