Worlds' Finest #31

What happened to Wonder Woman and her Pegasus? Was that just a dream I had? Oh wait. It was a Greg Pak story so I was probably forced to forget it for future plot reasons.

Currently in Worlds' Finest, we're all learning the secret history of Superman and Batman. Because if there are two characters in the DC Universe that nobody knows much about, it's these two guys. How did they become the men they became?! Where did their super powers come from? What were their childhoods like? Nobody knows! It's secret history that has seemingly never been explored in the last seventy five plus years of Batman and Superman's existence. So far we've learned that Batman's parents were murdered and Superman grew up on a farm. These events formed the foundation for their philosophical beliefs! Batman decided nobody should ever be the victim of crime ever again. Superman learned that platitudes only really work on a farm where your neighbors are many acres removed from your solitary existence and things get a little bit more complicated when you move out of your elderly parents' home and into the big city where you can finally fuck a girl in your room without your mother constantly reminding you to keep the door open when you have female guests in the house which totally kills a boner.

This is the second time this month that Lois worried about how she was going to report on the end of the world. I don't think people are going to need a reporter to tell them about the apocalypse, Lois.

Luckily for Lois, this current catastrophe was just the start of the first war with Apokolips and she'll have plenty of war stories to report on for years to come. Too bad I think Lois Lane is one of the first people killed in the war, so I guess I shouldn't have begun the last sentence with "luckily for Lois."

As satellites came crashing down on city after city, Superman tried saving as many days as possible. And while Superman tried to save the world from being destroyed by its own satellites, Lois Lane bothered emergency workers with hard-hitting questions!

All the communication satellites have come crashing down to Earth, so Lois can't fact check that thing about oceans and deserts. But she's fairly certain that she thinks she once heard something about the Earth being less city and more ocean and desert. Maybe?

Superman can't save everybody in Metropolis but Batman flies in to help! I guess Batman just looked at Gotham, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Fuck it. I'm helping a city that deserves to be saved." Or maybe he already saved everybody! He is The Batman, after all. Greatest super hero in the DC Universe! Just ask DC's accountants!

Batman left Gotham in the paws of his wife and the claws of his daughter, Catwoman and Robin! According to Lois Lane, Gotham hadn't been hit as hard. But even if that were true, I think the criminals of Gotham would take advantage and turn the city into a burning mass of suddenly empty stores. While all the citizens of Metropolis act heroically, the citizens of Gotham would just murder, loot, kill, and take advantage of the situation. Gothamites are bastards!

This cliche spouting bore is the greatest journalist on Earth?

I shouldn't be so hard on Lois Lane's narration of the secret history of her lover and his best friend. She's a robot now. Her language center was probably programmed by a non-poetic mathematician. When she was alive, she probably wrote florid descriptions of the most mundane news items, elevating them to compelling stories that kept people coming back to her blog day after day. But now she's a robot trying to form elegant thoughts from a sorely lacking database of common and ordinary words. Kind of like my brain!

Supergirl helps save Gotham but she's not allowed to stop and pose for pictures. Her name is Supergirl. She came to Earth from seemingly nowhere to become a living weapon and also a secret. But soon she'd become Robin's best friend. I bet that friendship would have made a really fun comic book!

No it's not! Will you people stop being so excited about appearing on shitty local television stations?! You're only feeding the monster!

When I was fifteen and didn't know any better, I appeared on a local news segment about one of those make your own video shops that were popular in malls in the mid to late eighties. A couple friends and I would hang around the place talking to the two women who ran it. We would basically loiter until they grew so bored because no paying customers were coming in that they'd let us film a video for free. If I ever decide that my dignity has become absolutely valueless (I'm not quite there yet!), I might have to digitize some of the videos and post them. Although that really seems like the kind of thing you threaten to do to somebody unless they pay you a lot of money. Maybe one of my cohorts from back then will pay to keep them off of the internet!

Intri shows up to beat the crap out of Supergirl and to show off her cool heels a little bit more. I think she's the main reason this history is secret! Because for some reason, she keeps showing up in Superman's life over and over again. I think she has a crush on him.

After the satellites had stopped falling, Batman decided to break into Terry Sloan's house, knock the teeth out of Terry Sloan's paid guards who are just trying to do their jobs, and steal Sloan's Kryptonite. So what makes Batman any different than one of the fucking villains he's always trying to stop?! Sloan may seem like a dick but does that mean he should have his property stolen? Does that mean the men that work security at his home should be disfigured?! Even Earth-2 Batman is an asshole!

Lois and her big scoop enter the crumbling Daily Planet building because that's where her webcam is located. If only Jimmy Olsen had gone into photography on Earth-2 instead of gay porn, Lois Lane's life could have been saved that day. Instead, she had to rely on her own equipment and technology to film her interview with Lustig. But that story will have to be concluded next issue.

Worlds' Finest #31 Rating: No change. I've read hundreds, maybe thousands of boring comic books over the years. I just mention my qualifications to say that this comic book isn't exactly boring. It feels unnecessary but it's not quite boring. When I'm reading it, I get a vague sense of entertainment. The art has that slightly odd, almost bad style that I actually quite enjoy. Maybe knowing that just about everybody in it is going to die fills me with warm fuzzies as well. What I'm trying to say is I won't miss this book when it's over next month but I don't mind sitting down and spending a little time with it until then.

Worlds' Finest #30

Intri just looks mildly annoyed. Like her jello mold didn't turn out, and Batman arrived before she could get the cucumber sandwiches plated, and Superman broke her "massager".

Ever since this comic book stopped being about Super Friendship, it became super terrible. I would say, "Who needed another Superman and Batman title?", but I already know the answer to that. Apparently the fans that actually pay for DC Comic Books pay for comic books starring Batman. Boring fucks. Stop supporting Batman over everybody else! He isn't that fucking interesting.

You know who's interesting? Power Girl's boobs! I mean, Power Girl! And The Huntress! And their friendship! And how they go on adventures and support each other and eat ice cream together and talk about how Power Girl fucks lots of guys while The Huntress side-eyes all of Power Girl's life choices! And now they're not in this comic book anymore! And probably just before the story where Power Girl's water went out and the city was demanding that everybody conserve water so she had to go shower with The Huntress! Now that story line is probably going to be used for Batman and Superman! Nice going, comic book fans that didn't support the Super Best Friends! Now I'm going to have to deal with the emotional confusion of getting an erection while looking at Clark and Bruce soap each other up!

I'll settle for these two showering together! I promise I won't be looking at Robin's underage fiddly bits! Not when Catwoman's are flapping all over the shower!

Catwoman and Robin steal a Segway from a guard on the docks and then I make an Arrested Development joke and create new lyrics to The Final Countdown. It's super hilarious, you guys!

Selina and Helena are out trying to rescue some women being held in a shipping container to be sold to slavers. It's the worst plot a comic book could use because how am I supposed to make jokes about human trafficking?

How many sex slaves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but you have to break dozens of international laws and be a complete immoral bastard simply for a little bit of light.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sex slave!
Sex slave who?!
Ha ha! I am not a sex slave at all! I am a federal agent in disguise! Now get on your knees, you filthy pig and international criminal and the worst piece of filth on Earth! You are lucky I do not put a bullet in your head! It's more than you deserve!

While Catwoman and Robin fall into the trap set for them, Terry Sloan tells his butler, "Ha ha! I am smart!" Then the scene shifts to Clark and Lois's place.

Kryptonite must come into play during Clark and Lois's fuck sessions or how else would Clark even feel anything? Maybe Lois wears a diaphragm made from a red sun?

Back on the docks, Batman comes to Catwoman and Robin's rescue because women, right?! Batman simply shows his face and the gangsters who trapped his family all activate the Semtex hidden in their teeth. Or maybe their teeth were made from Semtex so when they were scared and their teeth chattered, they'd blow up. It's a perfect plan! I mean, a perfect alternate plan for when your imperfect plan fails.

Later or something, Terry Sloan introduces Superman to Kryptonite. But only because Superman didn't remember being introduced to Kryptonite by Earth-Main-Earth Batman back in Batman Loves Superman, the Early Issues. During the festivities, Intri shows up because why not? The story was just getting interesting so let's snooze it up a bunch by letting Ms. Snoozefest show up.

Either her beehive hairdo is off-kilter or she ran out of the salon without removing the hair dryer. Or she has an actual beehive on her head!

Intri, once again, tries to get Superman to come with her to Apokolips because she's so Goddamned thirsty. But Superman says, "No!", and Batman says, "Yeah! I mean, no as well but yeah to agreeing with my friend!"

See, on Earth-2, Superman and Batman are friends. I know it's confusing!

Intri does have some great fucking heels though.

Remember how in that movie Explorers, the idiotic alien beings were fascinated by I Love Lucy and other old shows? In like sixty years, I'm going to make a movie where we're visited by a race of aliens whose culture was highly influenced by Dish Network signals of Mad Men! The most unbelievable plot point is that aliens were able to pick up a Dish Network signal without a Dish Network representative arriving on the alien planet and spending two hours every day for five weeks carefully trying to position the receiver so it could get a signal.

Is Intri's name supposed to have a connection of some sort to the sign nailed into the crucifix above Jesus's head? Is she King of the Jews? Where is her kingdom? Look at me? Am I a Jew?

While Superman lies around like a lazy bastard pretending that Kryptonite hurts him (he's such a faker baby!), Batman forces both Intri and Sloan to back down. Why does Earth even need more than one superhero? And by that one superhero, I am, of course, speaking of Björk. I mean Batman.

Intri winds up back on Apokolips without Superman and Sloan winds up back in his love nest with his lover Aadarash, his new pet rock, and his new prisoner, Val-el. And that's the last of that issue!

Worlds' Fines #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than the other issues for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I was just in a better mood. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the art which probably wasn't to a lot of people's tastes but reminded me a bit of Crumb's work with a bit more polish and spit. And less semen and nipples.

Worlds' Finest #29

I'm trying to think up a caption for this cover but I can't stop eating banana pudding.

This must be the easiest gig of Paul Levitz entire life! Rehash the Batman and Superman origin stories in a way that doesn't mess up current continuity. Although it's the secret origin of the Earth-2 Batman and Superman, so who cares. They're less important in The New 52 since they weren't the historical, Golden Age versions that established the entire genre of the super hero story. And they're far, far less interesting than this banana pudding is delicious.

My job at Christmas Dinner tonight was to peel potatoes and then to finish seasoning the potatoes once they were mashed and nearly ready to go. After that, I shaped them into Devil's Tower and served them. There were some people at the table that didn't know what Devil's Tower was. I no longer speak to them. Because they're dead. I killed them.

I really can't put this pudding down! I keep setting down the bowl and reaching for the comic book but wind up with the pudding back in my hands! It might be cursed!

Okay! That's finished. Now I can concentrate!

Maybe I should wash the bowl out and get some water first! The comic book can wait!

This thug just can't believe how tightly that leather is clinging to Catwoman's anal sphincter.

Batman has chased Catwoman all the way to Metropolis to lecture her about engaging in criminal behavior. He doesn't think she should do it because he wants to have sex with her but doesn't think he should be having sex with a criminal. Technically, Batman is also a criminal so he really shouldn't care. But he only thinks Catwoman should break laws in the same way that he breaks the laws which is better. For some reason.

Superman was currently meeting Wonder Woman after he crashed on Paradise Island due to an exploding satellite which caused him pain "for the first time in his life." That's always a good way to explain to the reader that Superman is facing a threat equal to his powers. Usually he says something like, "That actually hurt!" or "Did you have to use three fingers?!"

Wonder Woman says, "Get the fuck out," and Superman says, "How high?"

Superman leaves Wonder Woman and the Amazons to play with their new toy from Apokolips and heads back to Metropolis where he finds Catwoman toying with Batman.

Superman just got showed up by a woman so the next one he meets, he treats like a child.

Batman and Catwoman flirt a little bit more before Catwoman heads back to Gotham with her jewels she retrieved from the terrorists. She also calls Batman "Mister Wayne," so I hope Lois Lane wasn't snooping around nearby!

The New God that wanted Superman as a baby and then as a child arrives to tell Superman he's been making poor choices. The only good choice is to team up with the New Gods. But he won't! Even if they kill him, he won't...well, actually, after they kill him, he does kind of team up with them. So I guess he'll team up with them over his dead body.

Why does the DC Universe have to have some overarching super villain hellbent on destroying everything? Did somebody tell the editors at DC that all of the monthly stories are more exciting if they have a framing story that's a battle for the fate of the universe? Before the New Gods happened along, it seemed like DC was going to make the Daemonites the world threat that everybody had to continually be on the look out against. But Helspont just couldn't cut the mustard and he was replaced by the looming threat of Apokolips. Although that story also needs a framing story because things always have to be able to get worse! And that's why the Anti-Monitor made an appearance at the end of Forever Evil!

All of these stories that have been erased from a character's mind are just as bad as the shitty "let's all save one future timeline" time travel stories.

Worlds' Finest #29 Rating: No change. Here's a suggestion! If you can't have a character remember a story you put them in, don't even bother writing the fucking story! Jesus fucked. Let the characters remember shit even if you have to listen to a thousand fanboygirls screaming, "Why didn't Superman remember that in Issue #13 when he did that thing to that person that he'd met when he was younger! Why didn't Superman say anything about the first encounter, hunh?! Hunh?! Answer me that or else I'm going to continue to scream and point out your errors like a total dickhead!"

Shut up. That last comment did not resemble me.

Worlds' Finest #21

At least this would solve Earth 2's problem.

While my first grade years were filled with doing nothing but winning one ribbon (a ribbon that summed up my life so far in just one word: WIN. Also, I think the ribbon was once again for picnicking), I really came into my own as a nature lover in second grade.

It's fitting that a raccoon was the mascot of the nature club I joined since, like raccoons, I spend most of my time in the city.

I wonder if this sticker will still stick to glass. It's one of those ancient things that you had to dip in water and apply to surfaces. Sticker technology bit ass when I was a youngster! My Ranger Rick sticker also came with a membership card with the pledge on the back!

I think I failed Ranger Rick in all aspects of his pledge.

I don't think I was very good at being a nature lover. I just wanted the magazine because it had games and pictures of cute animals. I was also quite busy earning my most important award in second grade.

This one didn't come with a pledge but I'm fairly certain I'm still excellent at it. I'm also proud to note I did two tours of Hooter Recognition duty.

Second grade was the only grade of school when I had a young female teacher. Even at the age of seven, I could see the cracks forming in her young, idealistic, optimistic belief that she was going to mold these young minds into respectable, curious, creative individuals. I'm not sure how long she lasted but the fact that one of her students was an arsonist that would often burn papers inside his desk during class might have freaked her out a bit. She might also have been disturbed by my penchant for pointing at her breasts. But hey! It was apparently my gold-star earning duty!

Anyway, let's get back to First Contact where Batman and Superman and Power Girl and The Huntress have just witnessed Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2. Power Girl must be pissed since she's been trying to do this for five years with little success! Oh, by the way, I recognize that Power Girl has some hooters. Don't be discouraged if you didn't recognize them. You didn't earn a gold star for it in second grade. I'm a hooter recognizing savant.

Gamorra. Gammora. Whatever. Why should I expect DC to get the name of this island right when they can't even tell the difference between The Arctic and Antarctica?

Power Girl really wants to go through the portal and return home, no matter how horrific the place currently looks. But nobody else wants her to enter it. Well, Kaizen Gamorra Jr wants her to enter it but I think that's just further reason that she shouldn't enter it!

The portal gives Kaizen Gamorra Jr some kind of amazing Omega Powers while R.B. Silva draws everyone with pouty, middle-aged facial features. I mean middle-aged faces that aren't quite as striking to gaze at as my middle-aged facial features. I look like I'm not older than forty two. Maybe because I am forty two. But my hooter recognizing abilities are still as sharp as when I was seven!

To test out the portal, Power Girl suplexes Kaizen Gamorra Jr through it.

If I'd taken high school wrestling, this would have been my signature move. But I'd have added tacos to it.

With the portal still raging dangerously open behind them, Superman and Batman decide they've won and are ready to find a sunset to walk into. But Power Girl still thinks they should enter the portal. The Huntress, showing how fucking smart she is, raises the same concerns that I did. How did Kaizen Gamorra Jr open a portal to Earth 2 when neither The Huntress nor Power Girl could? And they had access to the third smartest man on Earth's technology! And no way is Kaizen Gamorra Jr taking up the #1 or #2 smartest person on Earth. Those spots are probably taken by Lex Luthor and, even though I don't want to give her the spot because she was created by Lobdell (I think), "Doctor" Veritas the Omniologist. But there's no talking Power Girl out of it because she's super stubborn.

Those "strange organ structures" are called ovaries, Clark.

The Huntress decides she'll go with Power Girl instead of doing the smart thing and investigating a bit further. But before they can enter the portal, before Batman can tell them they're stupid doo-doo heads, before even Superman can fly around the Earth really fast and go back in time to stop the portal from opening, a gigantic version of Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through the portal, followed by Power Girl's Flip the Fuck Out Cousin.

He doesn't love her! He just wants to turn her into Flip the Fuck Out Power Girl!

Parademons also fly through to battle Superman and Batman. Superman thinks about how he isn't at full strength with the nanites still in his system which makes no sense since the nanites made his power uncontrollable. But what do I care if something doesn't make sense? It's probably just my inability to understand it. Just like I thought Cliven Bundy's statements yesterday were racist. But then he provided some more racist statements to prove that he wasn't racist at all! Which made no sense to me but he assured me he wasn't racist, so there's probably something wrong with the way I hear and sort information.

Superman also mentions that the armor is cracking and breaking even though he earlier mentioned how it was nice to not have the armor anymore and that the nanites were nearly gone. I don't think Greg Pak and Paul Levitz should be allowed to write stories together anymore because they're not making any sense.

Anyway, the parademons are defeated whether or not Superman is wearing armor or is full of nanites or knows what ovaries are. And The Huntress destroys the portal after Kaizen Gamorra Jr steps through but before Power Girl can. Which doesn't sit well with Power Girl because somebody needs to talk some serious sense into her.

"Weird as it may have been"? That's your concern? That Earth 2 was "weird." How about that it was on fire and full of parademons and run by a fucked up version of Superman?! That seems more dangerous than weird!

Batman and Superman leave The Huntress and Power Girl to argue about losing their only chance to get home. Superman apparently still has Toymaker's armor on and he's still infected with nanites despite what was said previously in this issue and what happened in Batman Loves Superman #9. I don't care though. I've stopped caring about minor issues like this. How can I complain about a misstep in a story when Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are still ruining monthly comic book series? I need to keep things in perspective and save my rage for more deserving targets.

Worlds' Finest #21 Rating: No change. At least this comic book was on time! I wonder how many readers simply decided to not pick up Batman Loves Superman #9 because they'd already read the conclusion of the story? I bet the number was pretty close to zero because I don't know too many comic book fans that can skip issues of a series they're collecting. I'm sure it bugs the hell out of people to flip through their back issue boxes and notice gaps in the numbering of the comics they've collected. It's bugging me just thinking about it!

Batman Loves Superman #9

It's about fucking time this shit came out, DC Comics. Get your act together!

First Contact Part 4 came out a few weeks ago. I decided not to read the story out of order even though DC seemed to think it didn't fucking matter. But it mattered to me! I was discussing my childhood during the First Contact story arc and DC made me lose the momentum! In the last commentary, I detailed the award I earned in Kindergarten for picnicking like a motherfucker. I also had nine gold stars for some reason. Probably because I was super clever.

Now it's time to see what was happening during my first grade years!

Hmm. This is odd. Not much was happening during those years, I guess. I think my mother had already tired of paying attention to my accomplishments. The only thing that still exists from those years is a ribbon.

I guess that's all that needs to be said about me in first grade! "WIN"

I also remember my First Grade teacher, Miss Nelson, used to mind fuck us whenever we played Simon Says. Whenever she wanted to end the game, she'd say, "Simon says jump up!" And everybody would jump up. Then she'd say, "Simon didn't say to come down!" She's lucky she wasn't found in the bushes behind the school with dozens of pairs of safety scissors sticking out of her body.

I also learned "Frère Jacques" in Miss Nelson's class. Of course we sang the "Where is Thumbkin?" version. I blame learning that song for my current social skills.

I thought it was spelled Gamorra but then when do I ever remember the names of anything ever?

Superman and The Huntress have arrived on New Gamorra to stop Kaizen Gamorra Jr from completing whatever evil task he's up to. Power Girl and Batman have already infiltrated Kaizen Gamorra Jr's inner sanctum although Batman more successfully than Power Girl who has been captured by him. By Kaizen Gamorra Jr! Not Batman!

One day ago, Superman put in an order with Toymaster for something delivered to New Gamorra Island. I don't know how Superman knew he was going to be there a day later to receive the shipment but who am I to ask stupid questions about plot inconsistencies? I'm sure it will be explained later. Maybe Superman got a phone call from Madame Xanadu and she told him the world would end if he didn't place that order. That's plausible!

Why was this comic book delayed? Jae Lee didn't even have to draw any backgrounds in any of these panels!

Now it's spelled Gamorra. Fuck you, DC! You know, I'd forgive these kinds of errors if you weren't making so many bigger errors as well.

Since it's been so fucking long since I read the last issue of First Contact, I'll redact my comment about Madame Xanadu. It's possible that a day has passed since Superman took Power Girl's nanites and everyone arrived on Gamorra Island. Not probable! But possible.

Kaizen Gamorra Jr is trying to open a portal to Earth 2 for some reason. Because he can? I think that's the only reason most evil geniuses need. Although he really kind of needs a good reason for doing it. He's already created an army of half-Kryptonian warriors. What more does he need for any plan he wants to undertake on New Earth?

Some stuff happens where Superman and Batman remember the first story arc of Batman Loves Superman even though they shouldn't. We knew Greg Pak would eventually have to reference it again, right? He can't just let one of his stories not mean anything simply because none of the characters involved in it remember it! And then more stuff happens that lead to Kaizen Gamorra Jr opening the portal to Earth 2 while Superman and The Huntress fetch their special delivery package from Toymaster.

This is what Superman ordered from Toymaster. Super Kabuki Space Armor.

The main problem with the armor is that it retains a communication link with Hiro the Toymaster. That fucking prick is annoying.

Everybody fails to stop the portal from opening. Superman fails. The Huntress fails. Batman fails. Power Girl fails. Everybody fails! Leaving an open portal to Earth 2 for The Huntress and Power Girl to climb into and go home. Or maybe for Flip the Fuck Out Superman to climb into and destroy another world. One of those things!

Batman Loves Superman #9 Rating: -5 Ranking. It wasn't worth the wait! Plus I had to wait for it! I hate waiting! Plus it's making me use up all of my exclamation points! Sure, Jae Lee's art is nice and stylish and crazy all at the same time! But can he ever draw anything in the background besides crazy trees?

Worlds' Finest #20

Before Ward Kendall, Hero of America's Traditional Values (if the only traditional value you're concerned with is having "white" skin, that is), interrupted me in my last commentary, I was about to delve a little bit into my past. One of the thousands of themes that I keep coming back to across my thousand plus comic book commentaries is how little we actually change as people. I suppose it's why people like Ward Kendall have such a hard time dealing with a society that doesn't fit his idea of past tradition. Not that people don't change in a wide variety of ways. But there are essential bits of us that don't come down to our ideology or our religion or our political beliefs. They're aspects of the way we act and approach the world around us. They do not define us but they often control the way we present ourselves to the world around us. Perhaps they're the things that cause other people to attempt to define us. Say a person is deemed "weird" in kindergarten, they are likely to continue to be thought of as weird as an adult simply because they retain the same mannerisms across the years that grate and chafe against what people trying to fit in deem as normative. I'm beginning with some crap my mom kept about my first year of school: kindergarten.

Before I scan in a few artifacts from the time, I should point out that the best piece of evidence that I'm still the same person I was in first grade is currently lost. But I think this other shit is interesting as well. We'll get to Batman soon enough, comic book nerds!

My mother circled "Awards" and "Achievements" as things that were enclosed in the Kindergarten File. Let's just say she's really stretching the definition of those words.

As you can see, I began school at the tender age of four. Although that point might be arguable. I was enrolled in school at four years of age. But seeing that my birthday was just a few weeks later and every day I simply sat by myself refusing to do anything the teacher asked of me for the first one or two months, it's possible I didn't actually "begin" school until I was five. I don't remember what eventually turned me around on the whole school experience. Maybe it was playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals. Or perhaps by the time I wanted to join in, I had met my best friend Judy. Or I might have been lured in by my absolute, all-time favorite activity of Kindergarten (no, not nap-time although, come on! Awesome): playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" I've never in my life done heroin but I imagine it's akin to the feeling of keeping the button in your hands and pretending to pass it on to the child sitting on the carpet next to you. The elation! The power! The screwing over of the masses! It's also possible this game taught me that fucking the system and inciting chaos was the only way to live.

So I was the youngest kid in my class throughout high school. I think that means something about the way I view myself among my peers or something. I'm sure somebody's done a study that I'm supposed to be interested in so that I can lose a little bit of myself and my own individuality by seeing that all kids in the same group wind up the same way. I'm going to blame all of my failures on Youngest Kid in Class Syndrome!

I'm sure I sandbagged this IQ score!

I'm sure my mom was thrilled to think she had some kind of evil genius baby boy only to be betrayed by his declaration that he wanted to be a truck driver.

Apparently we took some bullshit IQ test in Kindergarten to find out which kids should be culled from the herd of average cows. That's what that "MGM Class" note means. I think the "G" stands for gifted but I'm too fucking stupid to figure out what the "M"s stand for. C.W. Haman Elementary decided to drop the gifted class across all grades before this class even began. We wound up having GATE (Gifted and Talented Education. Unless it was actually "Great Access To Evil" since C.W. Haman was apparently a school for budding Satanists) for 4th through 6th Grade only.

Notice how I made no new friends. That will remain consistent throughout school. Not that I didn't have friends (like Judy I mentioned!); it's just that I never told anybody about them.

So what were my achievements in Kindergarten?

Nine stars on a strip of paper, bitches!

A Yellow Ribbon for Participation! And what did I participate in to earn this esteemed badge of honor?

A picnic!

So to sum up Kindergarten: I rocked a fucking picnic, I earned Nine out of Who Knows How Many Stars for some mystery reason, I made no friends because they were all fucking jealous of my "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" skills, and I dreamed of being a truck driver, the meth-fueled backbone of American industry! Mom and Dad must have been so proud at the stellar amounts of potential I was wasting. And I never disappointed them!

So now that I'm done with the discussing me part of this commentary, I guess I'll get back to Batman, Superman, The Huntress, and Power Girl as they tell New Gamorra to knock it the fuck off. First things first: keep Power Girl and Superman from crashing to the Earth from a low level orbit.

I hope Batman winds up having a soft spot for The Huntress. I'm sure when he finds out she knew Damian, there will be some bonding and Bat-Tears (caused by Joker Dust, of course).

I was disappointed when I realized First Contact was going to bounce back and forth between this series and Batman Loves Superman. I understood why! It's a perfect way to present this story. But I was looking forward to Levitz' version since I realized it's going to be more emotional and full of heart. Pak's version was just going to be a lot of Superman and Batman pulling out the Bat-Ruler and comparing penis sizes. Sure, that's exciting and informative but there's a time and a place for it. That time and place is not a story about how my two favorite BFFs from Earth 2 finally meet their familial counterparts on New Earth. Believe me when I say family reunions are not the best time for comparing genitalia.

Power Girl's powers have returned to normal because Superman caught whatever she had (a severe case of Gamorran Nanites, it would appear). Batman slings some Kryptonite around Superman's neck and heads off with Power Girl to stop Kaizen Gamorra from doing whatever despicable thing he's doing. They know it's despicable because he's Kaizen Gamorra. I don't think anybody by the name of Kaizen Gamorra has ever done anything not evil. The Huntress and Superman remain out of the fight because Superman has lost his crazy time powers thanks to Batman's Kryptonite. Eventually a Gamorran Super Soldier comes looking for the Nanites in Superman's body. The Huntress steps up to save the day because Superman is useless. Superman doesn't think he's useless or want to admit that he's useless but he is. Totally useless. Like Aquaman.

The other half is Catwoman! See how I pick up on subtlety! Unless that wasn't subtle. I have a hard time noting subtlety because everything is so obvious to me!

Meanwhile Rorschach Batman and Power Girl infiltrate New Gamorra. They do this by simply flying to the island. Old Gamorra never would have let anybody get this close without their knowledge! I guess the Son of Kaizen Gamorra is a pale copy of his old man. I bet even though he's only half-Kaizen Gamorra, Regulus would not be ambushed by the likes of Batman. Although he was ambushed by Batgirl, so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Batman wants to sneak in like a sneaker but Power Girl thinks Batman is an asshole. I can't argue against that but that doesn't mean her method of invading New Gamorra is any better. Her method is to knock on the front door and make friends with Son of Kaizen Gamorra because he titillates her fancy pants. Not only is he interested in her for the obvious reasons (her strong will and intelligence) but also because her molecules are all left-handed. Left-handed is another way of saying kinky. So I think the next step for these two lover birds is to find a men's bathroom.

Although I just thought of something! If the Nanites were seeking left-handed molecules and those molecules can only come from a left-handed universe, why did the nanites decided to occupy Superman? I guess he's freakier than I first imagined!

Batman discovers via sneaker-mode that the Son of Kaizen Gamorra has been using Power Girl's DNA to build an army of partially Kryptonian Clone-Things. Power Girl doesn't discover this until Son of Kaizen Gamorra gets creepy with her.

He doesn't think he can hurt her. But he thinks his Clone-Things can.

Meanwhile Helena and Kal have arrived on New Gamorra posing as journalists. I'd sooner pose as pedophiles.

Worlds' Finest #20 Rating: No change. So far it seems that nobody likes Batman. I'm not even sure Alfred likes Batman. The only chance of anybody ever liking Batman at all lies with Selina Kyle and I think he's going to reject the fuck out of her because Batman doesn't know how to be loved. Superman, on the other hand, is well liked by almost everybody who knows him even though he's a complete asshole. Batman and Superman had better stop with their childish rivalry since they only have each other.

Batman Loves Superman #8

Who wants to bet that car does not belong to Superman? What a fucking dick.

Before we find out why the heroes are battling each other like they're wont to do, let's return this blog to a subject that's been sorely lacking of late: me! Some people are of the mistaken opinion that this is a comic book blog. But comic books are simply incidental to the topic I'm most passionate about which is, once again, me.

The Thanksgiving before last, my mother brought up a box with my old report cards and that School Years Book that every parent diligently filled out for their first born child, filling the paper pockets with awards and drawings and lost teeth. I'm the second born child, so mine is a little less thorough. I'm sure if I'd had younger siblings, their books would have still been wrapped in cellophane.

They're probably still making these with this exact cover! Oh shit. Or maybe they aren't! Let's get out of this caption to look at something entertaining I found on Amazon just now!

It looks like Batman and Superman are going to have to wait even longer now that I looked up the School Years Book on Amazon to see if they're still being sold. And they are! Of course they aren't using the cover I just scanned since that font was outlawed in 1977 and even by the time I was going to school way back in The Dark Ages, we didn't have little school houses or carry our books on a belt. I'm sure the image has been updated quite a few times across the last four decades. But this is what it looks like now:

Well shit. That image is still way the fuck out of date!

Anyway, as you can see, the little white boy is practically the same kid as on my cover. But the little girl has been subtly altered. If you can't figure out what's different, I'll let Ward Kendall explain it to you in a second. But first, who is Ward Kendall and is he going to become one of the voices I begin using for this blog, joining the ranks of Cowboy Joe and Philo Sophocles? He is the author of the novel, Hold Back This Day, which tells the "chilling story about the last white people left on Earth. It is 85 years after the Unification, and mankind has been forcibly united under one government, one religion, and one race. Yet, a handful of whites still exist, among them skoolplex administrator Jeff Huxton. As he watches his son slowly destroyed by a racially homogenized world that will no longer accept his kind, Jeff comes to meet Karl Ramstrom. Ramstrom holds out one last hope for them--but only if they can escape the global-wide police state ruled by the iron-fisted leaders of World Gov. And the only place left to run is Mars." That sure does sound chilling! Anyway, this budding science fiction juggernaut left a one star review for the School Years Book which I really thought was a parody review because it's actually pretty funny! Here's Ward Kendall to let you guys know what's different about this cover versus my cover:

Propaganda Written By A PC Leftist/Liberal Multiculturalist
Amazon Review by Ward Kendall, Terrified White Person [Sorry! That was me, Tess, editorializing! I won't do that again! The rest is purely Ward's words! Except when I can't help but interject within square brackets with bold text! I also apologize for its length but it's all pure gold! I'll print it in Italics so you know where it ends if you get sick of how many times he repeats his joke. Or his serious point. It's one or the other, depending on how sane you are.]

I am the father of two children, now grown [And probably fled as fast as possible out of Ward's household.]. That said, my first thoughts upon seeing this book's cover took me back to my own childhood [Where everyone was white and happy because the darkies and mulattoes kept to their own neighborhood or we gave them the proper what-for!], as well as my own school years. First off, note the traditional "little red schoolhouse" on the cover [Hey! I noted that on my cover too! I hope that's the only thing Ward and I have in common!]. And the little boy skipping along with the same kind of lunchbox I had back in the 1960's [When you were working upon girders building high-rises?]. Finally, note the style of shirt he's wearing, which goes back even further, being commonly worn as far back as the 1950's, and, in some cases, the 1940's [And which some kids were still wearing in 1974 as you'll see when I scan in my picture from Kindergarten!]. Rarely, however, do boys in the 21st century wear that style of shirt [You obviously don't know any hipsters.]. So WHY is this book illustrated this way - depicting a childhood school scene more common to the 1950's and 1960's - but NOT today? Could it be that the author wants the potential buyer to say, "Yeah, look at that scene! Just like I remember it so long ago!" [Except for that stupid sausage dog. Couldn't the author have put a Labradoodle on the cover?!]

But wait [What?! Oh, okay! What's going on?].

Look at the cover again. If you're old enough you'll fondly remember that such a traditional scene is missing one very important element: the cute, blonde-haired little girl skipping along at the boy's side. She was ALWAYS there [Well, not on my cover. My School Years book only has a skanky brunette.] - and you, as a child, might have fantasized that she was the equally cute boy's childhood sweetheart. Or, if not that, then perhaps his sister [How about both?!], doing his sacred duty to protect her along the way. And if not these, then simply a schoolyard friend of his [Why you gotta portray the white boy as the main character?].

So why isn't that traditional blonde-haired little girl there NOW? Could it be, just maybe, that the author has deliberately deleted her very existence in order to replace it with a new existence and a new MESSAGE: that cute little, red-haired boys no longer have cute little, blonde-haired girls to grow up with - and perhaps marry [Holy shit! Ward's right! This cover is a time travel story and the little blonde girl has been erased from existence by the machinations of this dark skinned vixen from the future!].

This book's cover, obviously, is implying that TWO white children happily walking to school together is now something that is no longer to be "tolerated" [That's exactly what I thought when I saw this! I hardly thought for a second that this was just a scene of two kids with no agenda! Although when I looked at the cover of my old book and saw two white kids, I thought, "What? Minorities weren't allowed to go to school back then? And the school could only fit two children? And the bell tower was reaching critical mass? Also, what kind of disfiguring accident led to the boy losing his nose?!" Obviously that's the message on my old cover or else they would have drawn more people on it!]. Metaphorically, the cute little blonde-haired girl is dead [OH MY GOD! It's a horror story! "This winter...be prepared for the fright of your life! SCHOOL YEARS! The tale of a little dead girl that never existed and the poor white boy that had to make friends with a Filipino."]. In her stead she has been replaced - replaced with something resembling a mestizo or possibly a Cambodian or Filipino - or anyone of countless immigrant invaders of non-European ethnic stock [Why are the Europeans never invaders in the minds of guys like Ward Kendall? Somebody has some blind spots when it comes to history!]. Take your pick [I pick Cambodian!].

So there it is: just another author's below-the-radar message: that the little red-haired boy on the book's cover is to be force-fed non-white children [OH MY GOD! It's also about cannibalism!], OR he will be ruthlessly shunned ["Eat up, boy. Nobody's gonna play with you until you finish that thar plate of Mexican food. *WINK*"]. And as he grows up the message further pushes the author's stealth-bomber agenda: that the non-white girl will constitute the red-haired boy's strictly-controlled pool of friends as well as, later on, his dating choices. And when he's ready to marry? Well, his future bride is to be that little non-white girl - or one of millions just like her [How come Ward can't picture any white girls in his future dystopia simply because the one he expected is missing but he can picture millions of non-white girls that aren't depicted on the cover either?]. Because that's the final implication that the author is trying to convey. And when the first babies come forth, they'll all be non-white...[OH MY GO...wait. Was that supposed to be a scary part?]

Thus, the little blonde-haired white girl has been erased - and not by accident. You see, she and the little red-haired white boy are not intended in today's tightly-controlled propaganda machine to ever meet and marry, if this author and the millions of his comrades have their way. For once the children of the little red-haired boy and the Cambodian/Filipino/whatever little girl grow into school age, the little red-haired boy will also be erased, leaving both the boy and the girl skipping their way to school as two brown-skinned children, killing off the last vestiges of the traditional America that you and I grew up in [He has a point! The Native Americans didn't take these same precautions and look what happened to the traditional America their ancestors grew up in! Completely ruined by assholes!].

So, unless you want to expose your children to this kind of visual anti-white propaganda [Sure, why not?], you should avoid this book. Because neither your own cute little red-haired boys and cute little blonde-haired girls are wanted anymore, in this fast-disintegrating USA. As for yourself, parents, pick up a copy of "Hold Back This Day" here on amazon, if you are concerned about where this country is headed.

My favorite part of this review is how he already has the two kids on the cover married and fucking! With the world disintegrating down around their ears! And America being invaded by millions of terrifying non-white babies! I'm so frightened now! How about I change the subject and talk about Superman and Batman now? I'll get back to my Kindergarten years next commentary since I got a bit sidetracked!

But before I ponder why Batman and Superman can't keep from punching the new ladies in their lives, I have to say I probably screwed up by visiting the Amazon page for Ward Kendall's book! Now Amazon is showing me a bunch of racist propaganda that I might be interested in!

Amazon: "Hey, I saw you looking at that Fear of the Black Man book by Ward Kendall? How about another shitty book by him? No? Not interested? What about White Girl Bleeds A Lot: The Return of Racial Violence to America and How the Media Ignore It? What? No? You're seriously not into that? Well, you gotta want this book about how awesome Hitler was, right?"

Okay! For realsies this time! Getting back to the Batman and The Huntress! Here, I'll scan in a picture to get the ball rolling.

Is she really just seventeen? That means she would have been eleven or twelve when she came to New Earth. That seems quite a bit off because I found her super sexy back then and I don't believe I'm into prepubescent girls! At least I haven't been for about thirty years anyway! Perhaps Batman is just terrible at guessing the age of women from other worlds.

The Huntress decides to tell Batman the long story which basically means she lays it all out on the table. Her dad was Bruce Wayne and her mom was Selina Kyle. This causes Batman to make a mental not to have Alfred check all of the Batman condoms for flaws. She tells Batman that she's from a different Earth where her father was killed in a war against Darkseid. She doesn't yet mention that she met Damian a while back and he bought her story, so maybe Batman should buy it too.

Batman is a man of science so he takes a DNA sample from Helena which proves she's his daughter. Lucky she wasn't from Earth 3 or all of her DNA sequences would have been backwards! Which would make her Earth 3 DNA exactly like her Earth 2 DNA, right?

After Batman has proof and he's probably not going to break her nose, Helena approaches him to tell him why she finally came to visit.

This is killing me! When are they going to hug?!

Batman and Helena head off to do some investigating because that's what Detektifs do. The Huntress has an opinion but Batman says, "Keep your opinion in your girl hole, you!" The Huntress thinks Batman should trust his friend Superman and that they should contact him since who would know better than him how to control a Kryptonian gone wild? But Batman likes this comic book when it only has his Narration Boxes and Superman's stupid Narration Boxes aren't shoved into his panels, full of propaganda and words that might make Batman's words look foolish and self-serving. Fuck you, Superman! There's only room enough for one hero in this comic book! And that hero is the one with top billing! Superman disagrees with Batman and decides to make an appearance.

Superman is chastising Power Girl, not the boy or the dog.

Superman manages to get the situation under control by smashing half of a mountain over Power Girl's head. It's the Kryptonian version of slapping a hysterical woman in a 50s movie.

Superman: "Get a hold of yourself! *SMASH*"
Power Girl: "What the fucking fuck, you abusive motherfucker?! Holy Rao! Did your Earth parents teach you striking a woman was okay?"
Superman: "MA AND PA! *CRY*"

The answer would be "Fuck off and die, superdickbreath."

While Superman helps Power Girl get control of her powers, Batman and The Huntress investigate the reason for her powers going wonky. And they find it. It's related to New Gamorra and Kaizen Gamorra. Or his son. The guy that died in the men's bathroom after his date with Power Girl back on Earth 2 in the Worlds' Finest Annual. Because of the whole "guy that first made Power Girl wet" aspect of this revelation, The Huntress decides to keep it secret and goes under cover with Batman to The President's Ball on New Gamorra.

They discover that Kaizen Gamorra is somehow going to detonate Power Girl for some reason or another. Perhaps it's because she knows his man bathroom secret life. Batman tells Superman to leave her but Superman holds her as they float over the Earth, exploding over and over again. Earlier Power Girl mentioned the release of power felt like the best sneeze ever. I know what she really meant. And so did Superman which is probably why he wants to be a part of this. BOOOM BOOOM BOOOM SPPPPPUUUUURRRRT!

Batman and The Huntress Love Superman and Power Girl #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. The art is gorgeous and I felt Greg Pak got the character interactions pretty close to the mark. I still wish Bats and Supes weren't being shown as having such a huge rivalry. I guess this Reboot Universe is new enough that they're still building trust between them. But I really wouldn't mind an issue here or there which tells old stories of Clark and Bruce from Earth 2 where they're really close. Super close. One might even say "fantastically intimate" or, you know, just gay.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1

Is this the line where I make the "Fist Contact" joke?

Another annual to get through! It's not too bad because I like these characters. Unlike trying to slog though an extra issue of Teen Titans. Plus a bonus cover by Emanuela Lupacchino! Let's just look at that awhile. Can I just look at it for an hour and then end my commentary? Maybe make punching noises? Socko! Blammo! Pow! Right in the cock sucker!

Maybe I shouldn't assume that The Huntress is into dick. It's not like she's flying around like Power Girl fucking every good looking boy she can get her super fast hands on. She could have a crush on her best friend. Or maybe she just doesn't ever think about fucking because justice is so important! "How can one, lone Robin think about a full pair of lips rubbing themselves gently across her blossoming lady flower when evil's tongue licks salaciously at the sight of Justice's full rump?" is what she would probably say.

This Annual is called "The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl" because it takes place years ago on Earth 2. It begins with Batman and Robin raiding the best little whorehouse in Gotham.

This guy is desperately trying to remember the policy on refunds. Or if his consort has time to finish her handjob before Batman and Robin turn their attention toward him.

Once all the hired muscle are unconscious, Batman sends Robin home because he doesn't want her dying like her mom did. That's actually the case they're working on right now: The Case of the Curious Cat. Batman is terrified of losing Helena as well, so he doesn't want her risking her life. But she probably will risk it! Just like Dick did in Batman and Robin Annual #2! Maybe I can just copy and paste what I said there and use it here.

I really can use my commentary from Tomasi's Annual! Batman realizes Robin isn't going home because she's a teenager so he follows her discretely to see how she does on her own. I hope she doesn't resort to using a gun. She doesn't use a gun but she manages to spear a guy through the liver with a fire poker! I think Helena can get away with murder because she's the daughter of Bruce's true love, Selina. Plus life is dirt cheap on Earth 2! Probably. It's a pretty shitty Earth.

Everybody on New Earth suffers from Daddy Issues and everyone on Earth 2 suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. That's why Superman became Flip the Fuck Out Superman after being kidnapped by Darkseid! And Batman became Bedlam and Wonder Woman became Beguile!

The second chapter is about Power Girl going out on the town to learn about how awesome sex probably is. I mean how awesome it definitely is! Especially when the one thing happens to the lady! And then that other thing happens to the person the lady is doing it to! So awesome. Power Girl wants to find out about that and her Cousin Kal refuses to show her! He won't even let her watch when he does it to Lois! So she's going to find out tonight no matter what the cost! As long as the cost is under twenty dollars because Kal is also a cheapskate when it comes to her allowance.

He must be a super villain because she didn't break his face with her super kissing.

Before Supergirl can find out what Ken's dick tastes like, the Worldgov building explodes. Ken becomes worried because his father, Kaizen Gamorra, was inside. He leaves Kara in the men's bathroom at the park where she's able to change into her Supergirl suit and fly off to save the day. But she's a big secret that has never been allowed to leave the house, so she can't be seen or Superman will be pissed. And since this chapter began with her crying and saying Superman will be pissed, I'm guessing she was seen!

Or maybe just responsible for Ken's death when the men's bathroom he brings his dates to collapses on him.

In Chapter Three, Helena and Kara finally get to hang out as they investigate the explosion that killed Ken. Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "Leave the investigating to me!" And Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "I think I found a clue!" And Supergirl says "OWIE!" as the clue punches her in all the lady parts.

All her parts are lady parts!

The clue flees when Supergirl has to stop being punched long enough to save Robin from being crushed in the rubble. But they eventually track her down and continue the fight because they had to change locations for some reason! Perhaps it's because they had to wind up where Wonder Woman was so the cover wouldn't be a total lie. Wonder Woman doesn't want Supergirl beating up the clue because the clue is her daughter, Fury. For some reason, Wonder Woman's daughter is now working with Apokolips. Also she Boom Tubes to safety while Supergirl and Wonder Woman argue. And that's the end of that for some reason.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1 Rating: I guess I just spent $4.99 to find out that Fury was Wonder Woman's daughter! I guess if you twisted my arm (and other things if I ask nicely), I'd say there was more to this comic book than that revelation. But not much more! Maybe the fact that we found out Batman of Earth 2 is ticklish! That might be important later. Maybe that's how they'll defeat Bedlam! By throwing a tickle party in his pants.