Batwoman #1 (March 2026)

Batwoman is to The X-Files as Batman is to Perry Mason.

Batwoman #1 (March 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

• I don't know a whole lot about Batwoman. I read her New 52 series which was beautifully drawn by J.H. Williams III but I don't remember as much of it as I should¹. I think she battled Killer Croc (or counseled him?) and La Llorona and Chupacabra and the Loch Ness Monster and her sister who was like crazy and maybe super hot? Or was that her ex-lover? Maybe both? Also her father was a tight-ass general who had "Patriarchy" written across his chest like he was in a political cartoon.

• I also remember her from James Tynion's run on Detective Comics where Tim Drake kept telling her to do what he says because he was a young bisexual genius with more representation than her boring old lesbian woman schtick and she was all, "Fuck you! I'm going to shoot people in the face if I have to! Also Clayface is evil. Or good. I forget which side I'm taking on this!" But they both agreed that Batman was out-of-control with his white male Cis privilege. Wasn't there some young tart² named Spoiler in that too?

• The story opens on an asylum in Greece where everybody has the most Grecian names possible to remind the reader that they're in Greece. They're all, "Thank you Nicholas!", and "You're welcome, Zena," and "Is Dorothea a Grecian name? It might as well be because it helps to make my point!"

• I would define the art style as "abstract Mary Worth".

• The woman in the asylum being psychoanalyzed by Zena is Kate Kane. That's the non-wig version of Batwoman. She's super beat up and defeated, possibly because she got her ass kicked in DC's recent DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents mini-series. I don't know who she got her ass beat by because I didn't read it even though I meant to read it. The reason I didn't read it was because there were too many fucking tie-ins that probably didn't matter. I thought it was going to be a bunch of comics based on the brackets they set up and then apparently they didn't even show most of the battles? I'm so glad I didn't read it! Although if Lobo beat up Batwoman³, I'm sorry I missed that.

Not with that attitude it won't!

• Batwoman's therapist asks her about the last time she saw her sister which is really important to readers like me who love to see women's underwear.

This is Batwoman's sister Beth. You might recognize her.

• This story is called "Eschatology". I think that's the science of eating snails.

• Kate tells the therapist⁴ that her twin sister died when they were twelve. But we, the readers, know she isn't dead. Some readers who have better memories than me and are less focused on women's undergarments probably remember the entire story of Beth Kane. But that's not me because women's undergarments women's undergarments panties thongs moist gussets.

• In a flashback, we learn that Beth was prepared to set off a bomb that would create an Apokolips firepit underneath some city⁵. Kate tried to appeal to her sister's sense of mercy and ethics and fashionable underpants. But Beth, being crazy and dead at twelve, wasn't in the mood to listen.

Did this occur during DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents?

• Some people choose sides based on ethics and morality. I choose side based on the aesthetic choices of the combatants. And even though Kate Kane has some stellar fucking boots, I'm all the way Team Beth. Not only does she look hot, she also looks like cake! Mmm, I want to eat her so badly.

• I guess Beth is working for Darkseid. Did Darkseid win the DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents? Is that why there's going to be a Reign of the Superboys? Because Superman made it to the final bracket and was "killed"? Also, was Beth really big enough to be in the brackets? Or is she just an out-of-control fan overturning busses after her team won/lost?

• I love Beth's look so much that I might be losing interest in Lobo! Is that possible? What's happening?! I think I'm being groomed by Beth! It makes sense because I've crushed on Alice and her LSD world since I was a child and Beth has taken the name Alice. So maybe I love her? Or do I just really love panties and cake? Life is confusing.

And pale boobs! Don't forget those! Tasty, icing covered pale boobs.

• Goddammit. Now I want boobs and cake!

• Batwoman and her sister Alice/Beth battle until they fall off of a cliff. Is that what happened? Or was that just a metaphorical scene representing how they're stuck in a cycle of battling each other over and over until one of them must eventually die? Even though this is a bit confusing, I'm still glad I didn't try to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents and all of its tie-ins.

• Back in Greece instead of wherever the flashback took place⁵, Kate cries a bit and the therapist is all, "Well, that's it for today! You're probably nearly cured now, right? No, no! Don't answer that! Your hour is up! We'll continue next time with what Beth's bra looked like."

• Kate goes back to her room to stare at a picture of her licking her sister when they were pre-twelve. Meanwhile, somebody somewhere else⁵ speaks in Narration Boxes to somebody else about how Alice is indeed dead but they think they can remake Kate Kane in her image. Then she'll be "the herald of Anti-Life".

• The man who wants Kate is called Mr. Gores. The woman whose got eyes on Kate in the sanitarium is named Despina. Her loyal servant in the weird Greek choral mask is Slay. They're all working on behalf of Darkseid. I'd probably understand more of what's going on with Darkseid if I'd read any All In books that came out well before March 18th. But I've only read the March 18th, 2026 books! So I'll just assume Darkseid's still all hot and bothered about the Anti-Life Equation and he hates Superman and he wants to turn Earth into another Apokolips where he has control of all the metahumans and maybe also the one place where Love exists or something.

• As the three evil doers plot to kidnap Kate Kane and turn her into a Silver Surfer of Darkseid, Batwoman appears at their window and dangerously shines a laser into their eyes. Then she swears! But it's in typography so I can't be sure if she called the bad guy a cock or a cunt.

The Ranking!
How did I buy three DC comic books on Wednesday and wind up with three interesting books? Has DC been publishing interesting comic books again? I know I've been away for some years but it still doesn't seem possible. I've got to assume that the Deathstork book is a fluke that will quickly spiral into unreadability. But I think Batwoman will continue to be dark and gritty and full of women's undergarments so I'll keep picking it up. And Lobo is Lobo so that's not even a question. I hope these aren't fucking gateway comics that lead me into the hell realm of wanting to buy even more $4.00+ comic books!


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¹ Which is weird because the whole point of writing about these comic books is to cement them better in my memory. But I think what actually happens is that I make a lot of stupid jokes while not totally paying attention to the plot.
² I mean that in the most affectionate way! Like when you were young and you'd go to the ice skating rink to hang out with your peers and that one girl with the big boobs would lay herself across your back while laughing and flirting and even though you knew she wasn't serious it was still really appreciated and you always remembered her fondly. Is that the definition of a young tart? Should I look up what it really means or just keep using language incorrectly to the detriment of my reputation?! Bah, looking shit up is for nerds and tarts!
³ My guess is that Lobo did not battle Batwoman because it might have gotten a bit homophobic. Although I think maybe Lobo battled Wonder Woman and that was probably super sexist. But in a fun way!
⁴ I know! I hate that word too! I noticed it said "The Rapist" long before that SNL skit where fake Sean Connery says, "I'll take the rapist for $200, Alex!"
⁵ Probably Gotham, right?

Deathstork the Terminator #1 (March 2026)

If Deathstork were actually any good, he wouldn't need laser sites to aim. Shit. Was that ableist? Does he need them because he only has one eye?! Oh, who cares. He's a pedophile!

Deathstroke #1 (March 2026)
By Tony Fleecs, Carmine Di Giandomenico, Ivan Plascencia, and Wes Abbott
Cover by Carmine Di Giandomenico
Edited by Marquis Draper and Brittany Holzherr

• I guess March is Anti-Hero Month at DC Comics because alongside Lobo, they've also released BatmanButWithTits¹ and Paedo the Terminator. It was probably a good move because idiots like me² figure as long as they're in the store picking up Lobo #1, they might as well pick up Batwoman #1 and Deathstork the Terminator #1 as well.

• While doing a little research to see if I've collected every volume of Deathstork that exists to date (I have), I noticed that this series was Volume 2 of Deathstork the Terminator and not Volume, I don't know, 3? 4? of simply Deathstork. In essence, this is a sequel to the early '90s series where Deathstork got to participate in Total Chaos and was almost outshined by a ginger troll from the future who loved to say, "Cheese this!" Boy, wasn't that an exciting time for Titans fans! Evil Nightwing! Rapist Mirage! Terry Long creeping out another generation of teenagers! Terra back to tempt Paedostork!

• I'm going to read this entire comic book while picturing everybody naked. Especially if Wintergreen is in it. I mean Rose Wilson! I fucking meant Rose Wilson!

• Oh, I'd also like to point out that I think Rose Wilson is 50-something so don't start talking about pots and kettles, you jerk! Rose was conceived while Slade was in Vietnam, right? So, you know, do the math! I mean, have your smart phone do the math! We're "All In", baby, and that means whatever happened in the DC Universe happened! Rose Wilson just looks young because she's full of super soldier semen. I mean serum.

The DC Wiki has a long list of Rose Wilson's powers but "talking while drinking" isn't one of them. I should update it!

• I wonder how many times Billy and Alfred have stood around smoking cigars and shaking their heads as they watched their "Masters" beat the shit out of each other? I bet they're best friends!

• Why's everybody in the Deathstork universe have white hair?

• Oh, I should finish Rose's thought for her from that last panel! She finishes her statement with "He's a killer." Well, I'm glad somebody isn't delusional about Slade Wilson! I mean, she's delusional in that she probably doesn't think he's a Paedo but, well, you know. All in, baby!

• I've often had people scream at me online in their defense of Deathstork, claiming he's not a pedophile at all. But did you read that part about how I have every single run of Deathstork comics?! You can like the character and still acknowledge that he knowingly groomed and fucked an underage girl. And don't take buy into Marv Wolfman's whole thing about Terra seducing Slade! Marv had some weird ideas about older guys and younger women. Also weird ideas about demons from other dimensions that super loved rape. He also once looked me straight in the eyes and said, "There will be an animated Elfquest movie." Okay, maybe not straight into my eyes and more like straight into the ears of everybody in the room at that panel at Comicon. But it felt like he ripped out my soul when that movie never materialized.

• Why was Marv Wolfman talking about an animated Elfquest movie? I don't remember the particulars but I think he was involved with the Pinis somehow trying to get it done. I don't think I'm remembering that wrong although I very well could be. I should also blame the Pinis for ripping out my soul but then they didn't create Terry Long so I can easily forgive them.

• Later that evening, Deathstork's on a job to murder somebody for money. He doesn't know who he's murdering for money because he gets extra money for murdering unknown people because it's harder to look Batman in the eye and say, "I'm not a villain! I'm an anti-hero! Like your dead sidekick!" Because you can't have the word "hero" anywhere near your name if you're fucking underage girls. I mean if you're murdering people without any knowledge of the people you're murdering. He's just taking the word of a person with a bunch of money that he's murdering a terrible person. Hell, maybe Slade doesn't even have to tell himself the world's a better place because he killed somebody. He just has to know the numbers keep going up in his bank account.

Oh look! Slade's actively making the world a worse place by killing a whistleblower!

• The typeface used in this series is going to drive me fucking batty. It's just too small! When I shrink a longer panel down to 600 pixels to fit within my blog's boundaries, it becomes really hard to read. Stupid Wes Abbott! Use Bold Arial or something so I can see it clearly!

• To make sure this first issue is super exciting, Tony Fleecs writes in a scene where Deathstork rides atop an armored car as it crashes off the eighth floor⁵ of a parking garage and into the middle of a special forces escort protecting his target. Slade's left hand holds his staff which is pressed down on the accelerator of the vehicle leaving him to shoot his semi-automatic rifle one-handed. He can do all of this because he's a super soldier and also because he's a comic book character but mostly because Tony Fleecs sat down to write this script and thought the answer to the question, "Should this be in any way believable, even as a comic book?" was "No! No! By all the Gods in Heaven, NO!"

• Deathstork explains to Wintergreen that the people he's killing who were just paid to protect a whistleblower don't mean anything to him. He doesn't hate them. He doesn't pity them. He barely even thinks about them as he cuts them all down and ends their one and only existence. But he does despise the people who pay him to kill people because they're all, "Do it this way! Don't do it this way!" Wintergreen is all, "I think that's what's called 'being employed'?"

• I'm glad to see Fleecs writing Deathstork as the sociopath he truly is. The only problem with having a monthly comic book about a villainous sociopath is that there's no motivation other than to watch them be awful monsters. That's why the bartender in Lobo #1 had that bit about some "honorable reason" needing to be "shoehorned" into their motivations. There's a big difference in an anti-hero monthly and a villain monthly. I thought I would enjoy Giffen's Eclipso monthly back in the early '90s and, hoo boy, let me tell you: booooooooooo-ring. Just nowhere to go, man! Aside from Eclipso walking around outside the panels on the pages, there wasn't much more to enjoy. Hopefully Deathstork, having a bunch of human connections in his life that he has to navigate, will allow for more drama and story fodder. Eclipso was just sitting on the moon being mad at stuff.

• Although as I say all that, I'm sure Deathstork will have some weird change of heart when he sets his eyes on the client for the first time. Probably be a clone of himself or something and he'll be all, "Wait? What?! I have to kill myself?! But, but, existentialist crisis!"

Well, if these are the kind of self-preservation at any cost assholes that Deathstork's killing then I'm not going to think much about them either. Have fun, Slade!

• During Deathstork's assault on the compound where the target's being held, he's mentally composing a letter to Rose to apologize for being a murderous piece of shit father. I threw in the "murderous" there to distinguish him from all the other piece of shit fathers out there who didn't have to resort to murder to be truly awful. Deathstork's barely exceptional even if he got two out of his three kids killed. Lot of deadbeat dads out there who'd rather hate other men than love their kids.

• Deathstork kills a lot of random men and then he's knocked to the ground by a couple of non-random women.

Weren't these two in Resurrection Man? Enh, I'm probably thinking of somebody else and somebody else.

• Deathstork sets up these women and their "Body Doubles, bitch!" entrance by saying this: "Wintergreen, I've only got one eye . . . how is it that I'm seeing double?" But that would only work if the two women in Body Doubles looked identical. Which they absolutely don't. Which means Tony Fleecs only wrote that line to set up their "Body Doubles, bitch!" introduction to Slade. This is worse plotting than having an assassin ride an armored car through the air while shooting a semi-auto rifle with one hand!

• The dark haired woman of the Body Doubles duo probably shouldn't be dressed so Lolita-esque because now Deathstroke is going to want to fuck her.

See?! He's so gross! I can't wait to buy more of his comics!

• Wintergreen gives Slade some intel on the women in Body Doubles. They're names are Carmen Leno and Bonny Hoffman. They have healing factors. He doesn't give their ages which Slade wouldn't give a shit about anyway, I guess, so, well, Wintergreen knows the important stuff to pass along.

• One of the Body Doubles stabs Slade in the heart which causes him to see his life flash before his eyes. Grant. Joseph. Adeline. The young girl he groomed. You know, Tara! Say her name, right?! TARA! Was Tara Terra's actual name? Seems like a bad choice. Especially since she was a famous princess and everybody would be all, "She seems familiar?" Then she'd be all, "I'm Terra!" And everybody would be, "Oh! Yeah! Tara Markov! That's why she looked so familiar!" And she'd be all, "No, no! I said, 'Terra!' T. E. R. R. A. Dammit!"

• Slade remembers that he has a healing factor and stops seeing his life flash before his eyes. Then he stabs and shoots the Body Doubles before kicking in the door leading to his actual target. Who will it be? What will be the big reveal?! A Caucasian father! Divorced. Three kids! Will it just be a fucking mirror?!

Surprise! It's Alfred's best friend!

• I hope that note is from Batman! But it's probably from Red Hood. Or, you know, Rose, maybe? Would Rose do this to Wintergreen? Of course she wouldn't! It's got to be, um, resurrected Joseph! Or resurrected Grant! Or resurrected Adeline! Or resurrected Tara! The only suspects Deathstork knows are all dead.

• It could be Memento Slade Wilson! Maybe he's trying to get himself to feel anything at all by taking a fuck-ton of Ambien every night so that he disassociates and then gives himself terrible experiences to ignite his feeling sensors! Seems like a lot of work when he could just go out and rent Pig.

• Wintergreen has been dead too long for Slade to do the kissy kissy of life on him. Later, Slade discovers that all his accounts have been drained of cash. His Gotham Bank account. His Deathstork, Inc account. Even his account at the Bank of Markovia which seems a little, um, inappropriate. Why's he gotta bank there after all this time?!

• So somebody used Wintergreen to steal all of Slade's money because Wintergreen had access to it all. If this were a movie, it would have to be Rose because she's the only other character in the comic book. Aside from Body Doubles but I think they were just there to establish some early nemeses for this ongoing series. Deathstork versus two nubile women who also have healing factors! So paedo!

• The issue ends with the person who has been talking to Deathstork this entire time pretending to be Wintergreen saying, "Tick tick, Slade." Then the room explodes. Slade lives but he ends his internal missive to Rose saying something like, "You said I was a killer. But now I'm worse than a killer because everybody stole everything from me and Wintergreen, who kept me in check, is dead and I haven't groomed a young girl in a long time! The world is going to rue the day, bitches!" That's when I stood up and applauded!

The Ranking!
How was this this good? Did I forget DC could publish good new comics after injecting my veins with Pure New 52 for five years (or was it six? How long did they give it before they were all, "Can we get Superboy to punch this universe too?"). I imagine whoever just pissed off Slade won't be the most exciting reveal when it happens (unless it's Batman. I mean, that would be a fucking twist, right? Maybe it's Alfred! Or is he still dead? All in, right?!) but I think I'll continue to get this series for at least one more issue. I love loving Deathstork! I've got to admit, knowing he's a paedo makes it a little bit more exciting. It's like, "Why do I like this character so much?! I'm so naughty!" Also maybe Tara was 28 and just pretending to be 14. If Hal Jordan could have his paedo tendencies retconned with comic book nonsense, Deathstork can too, right?! Maybe Tara was a Durlan who was actually three hundred years old. That would mean she was basically the paedo! Fucking Tara. So gross!


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¹ I was going to call Batwoman "Mature Batman" because in The New 52, any book in which the main character was a woman who had sex, it received a Mature Rating. Robin was over in Batman and Robin cutting off heads left and right while Batman tsked at him but did that get a Mature Rating? No sir! That rating was saved for Catwoman enjoying a good frolic and Batwoman scissoring or whatever lesbians do in bed. I'd probably have a better idea if I knew what a woman's naughty bits looked like. I hope the term "scissoring" isn't a visually descriptive term because now I'm fucking terrified.³
² You know. Mindless guppies.
³ Oh wait! I forgot to finish my point about calling Batwoman "Mature Batman"! I didn't do that because I noticed that Batwoman #1 was rated "13+" while Deathstork #1 and Lobo #1 were rated "15+". So has DC finally realized that graphic depictions of violence are more harmful⁴ than women having a fulfilling sex life?
⁴ The term "more harmful" here just means "possibly could cause people to complain if they found their five year old reading it" and not actually "harmful" in any fucking sense of the actual meaning of that fucking word at all. Although by that definition, I think I agree with The New 52 DC in that people would probably complain more about Catwoman having an orgasm while unmarried more than Robin cutting off a terrorist's head.
⁵ That's a guesstimate!

Lobo #1 (March 2026)

I got the special edition which comes with lotion, a box of tissues, and a change of underpants.

Lobo #1 (March 2026)
By Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos
Cover by KyuYong Eom
Edited by James Reid, Kathleen Wisneski and Paul Kaminski

• I excitedly walked down to my local comic book shop to pick up Lobo #1 and then sadly looked at the shelves empty of Lobo #1s for what seemed the saddest eternity. So I went up to the owner who shall remain anonymous¹ and said, "I was looking for Lobo #1 because Lobo's about the only thing that could get me back into buying new comics!" And then she kicked me in the balls, tackled me to the ground, and yanked my arm up behind my back and growled, "Say you like big dicks, nerd. Say it! Say, 'I like big dicks!'" So between my sobs when I could catch my breath, I cried, "I like big dicks! I can't get enough of them! Mmm, mmm!" And she was all, "Yeah, I though so. I like them too." And then she helped me up, dusted me off, and we high-fived over big dicks. But, sadly, she then said, "Our DC shipment was delayed." Diplomatically, I did not say, "That's why I stopped buying comics here back in 2020! Because you never got your DC shipments!" And while, intellectually, I know, at the time, that was Diamond's problem which led to Diamond losing their stranglehold on the comic book distribution market, I still felt like maybe it's not totally the distributor's fault if this is still happening six years later? And at such a crucial time as the day the first issue of the new Lobo series shipped?!

• So later I went to Cosmic Monkey Comics and they had fifteen thousand copies of every Lobo variant on the shelves next to fifteen thousand copies of every other new comic that came out that day and also they didn't tackle me to the ground or force me to declare my love of big dicks. On the other hand, the clerk seemed to want to get rid of me as soon as possible and while normally I would attribute that to my terrible social skills, it's possible that she was just rude. Also it might have been the "I like big dicks" written in Sharpie across my forehead by Debbie. I mean the owner of that unnamed comic book store.

• Peter never treated me so roughly when he ran the store! He would always gently take my hand and wink and say, "Man, I bet you like big dicks, don't you?" And then I'd blush and I'd giggle and I'd say, "PETER!" Then he'd give me my 25% discount which I thought was for having a subscription box but it might also have been because I liked big dicks. Who can say?

• Anyway, look at this! Lobo's back! I mean, yeah, I know he's been around this whole time. But he's back with a monthly series that doesn't star a fake Lobo written by a guy who hates DC characters! I hope Alan Grant is rolling over in his grave! I mean in a happy way because he's gotten a huge boner and he's trying to get more comfortable. If Val Semeiks were dead, he'd probably have a big angel boner too. But he's alive so his boner is pure flesh and blood like mine. And he must have one because he once said, about drawing Alan Grant's Lobo, that it was "about as much fun as anyone can have drawing comics." I stole that from his Wikipedia which I went to to find out if he was still alive.

• Speaking of Val Semeiks, I should constantly praise him to the ends of the Earth because while he was having as much fun as anybody could have drawing comics, I was having the best time of my comic book reading life because of his work on Lobo and The Demon. I can't thank him and Alan Grant enough. I should also throw Keith Giffen's name into the ring while I'm at it because, well, Lobo but also Ambush Bug. And his and DeMatteis's Justice League was the League I grew up on. Thankfully! Can you imagine if you grew up on the League before that and were nostalgic about Aquaman, Gypsy, Vibe, and Commander Steel?! How embarrassing for you!

• Am I stalling? I'm so excited but I'm also scared! I'm basically an old man now. Can my heart handle this much Lobo?!

There he is! There's my sweet, sweet boy! Singing about shoving a gun up somebody's hoo-ha²!

• Lobo begins his adventure by parking his space hawg in a No Parking zone at a space dive bar. An alien parking attendant³ points out that Lobo's breaking a rule. Lobo points out that the guy should go get medical help before he dies after he rips his arm off.

• Often, Lobo avoids killing people if he's not being paid to kill them. Not because he's "honorable" but because he doesn't like providing free labor. But ripping off some guy's arm isn't killing them. Just ask Batman! If the guy doesn't seek adequate medical attention before he bleeds out, that isn't Lobo or Batman's fault, is it?! It's the carelessness of the person who carelessly lost their arm without taken precautions against dying from severe blood loss.

• Also the guy called Lobo "a rejected wannabe Kiss member" and if there's a better reason for ripping off an arm than that, I can't think of one. Unless it's telling somebody they're a Bon Jovi fan. But that should result in the loss of two arms so technically I was right in my first sentence where I said "a better reason for ripping off AN arm."

Ha ha! Lobo's so funny and clever and hot and sexy and, um, good thing this issue came with these extra underpants!

• I'm only on page three and I've already had to use the free underpants. I'd better got get some more before I continue.

• While having a drink at the bar before he murders whomever he's been hired to murder, Lobo accidentally learns a little something about himself.

So is Lobo "Murder Mouth"? Are they watching a bootleg movie about Lobo's Paramilitary Christmas Special?

• Judging by the film, Murder Mouth is more Wolverine than Lobo. But also, is there really much difference? Except that Wolverine isn't hot and sexy or funny or charming or tall or interesting in any way at all? And Fisty Claus is some kind of robot Steve Urkel with guns.

• And then I come to a part of the comic where, well . . . I don't want to say I cursed God and threw my comic book against the wall. I also don't want to say I went for a long walk in the rain while kicking rocks and sad Charlie Brown music played. I don't want to say any of that because I don't want anybody to know that that's what I did after Lobo called his readers, "mindless guppies". The readers who made Lobo the #1 all-time greatest comic book character to ever exist! The readers who couldn't get it up for regular sex anymore once they saw his physique and charming smile and his way with the sex workers without having to picture Lobo naked and aroused. The readers who spent most of their youth punching random nerds because it's what the 'Bo would do! I mean, I wasn't one of those readers! Oh, I also wasn't one of the ones who couldn't get a boner from regular sex either (unless you count "coming in your pants and then not having a boner anymore when the pants were off and it was time to actually do it" We're not counting that, right? Whew!).

• I don't know why Skottie Young would put those words in the Main Man's mouth and try to hurt his fans. Especially the "me" part Lobo's fans! But then a purple pig-faced orc says what all the awesome, cool, smart, sexy Lobo fans were already thinking which is why they didn't curse God or go for a sad walk or search "how to make a noose" on YouTube.

That's right, Grimlak the Pustulent! Exactly what I was going to say!

• When Lobo calls his readers the '80s F-word (that's not a literal reading of what he said; it's a postmodern critique!), he's reacting to the bartender's definition of an anti-hero which is "a villain that kills and frags and various other nefarious stuff, but they make jokes while they're doing it. Then they shoehorn in some kinda honorable reason for why they're doing said nefarious stuff." And that right there rules out Lobo anyway! Because he never gets a reason shoehorned in for doing his nefarious stuff! That definition of anti-hero should have been saved for Deathstork #1⁴. That ladyfingers always needs an honorable reason for murdering and pedophiling! But not Lobo! Unless you call "fixing a typo" honorable?

• As Lobo beats up all the mindless guppies who liked Rorschach for all the wrong, dumb reasons and not all the smart, postmodern reasons, he tells his secret origin story. From the first mini-series to The New 52 and beyond. I guess that's part of the whole "All-in" thing? Everything that happened, happened? No more Post Zero Hour Continuity? No more Rebirth? No more Superboy punch? No more Doctor Manhattan, um, doing, um, what was he doing again?

Oh, come on, you metro twat! Explain yourself!

• I still like to believe that New 52 Twat Lobo was just one of Lobo's drops of blood that fell into a vat of mineral water as it sprouted into a clone. That's a pop culture reference to Heathers because I'm a mindless guppy!

• Lobo also describes a brief love affair that's pretty much the one part of his story I didn't read because even though I was going to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, I wound up not doing it. Probably because Debbie kicked me in the balls and made me admit that I wanted to be pegged when I went in to buy it.

He's just like me! I also get a crush on every woman I see in their underwear!

• The guy Lobo tells his life story to winds up being his bounty. But before he can say something witty and pop cultury like "Smell ya later!", his dawg barges in and interrupts his bounty hunting.

So what I'm hearing, Lobo, is that I can hire you to kill everybody who ever said that Boondock Saints was their favorite movie? For free?!

• I wonder how many times Jason Momoa, while in his Lobo make-up on the set of Supergirl, did the Pennywise dance?

• Now's the part where we find out why Lobo has a new series! What's changed in his life that's made it so he can have monthly adventures full of over-the-top violence and pop culture references? Full of space dolphins and space hawgs and space clown make-up? I hope he doesn't get roped into doing honorable things like that part of his life he forgot to mention where he was forced to do goody-two-shoes shit for Vril Dox. I guess if I were beaten in a one-on-one physical contest against Space Bill Gates, I wouldn't tell people about it either. Just like how I never told anybody about that time I went camping with my friend Soy Rakelson and woke up with Vaseline on my ass.

• Lobo makes a reference to Guardians of the Galaxy and I almost missed it because Lobo mentioned trash pandas and I — against every fiber of my being, every particle of my non-existent soul — squeeeeed.

• Just try to remember how most of what I say happened to me is a lie so that you won't embarrass yourself when you spread the gossip that I squeeeeed like I grew up on tumblr or cried every afternoon in college while watching Sailor Moon or, one or more times, masturbated into a sink. I say those things for comic effect! If you believe I was sobbing when I first heard "Rainy Day Man", you're certifiable! I'm super cool and tough and macho in real life. But that doesn't make for interesting or entertaining reading! It only makes for banging loads and loads of hot ladies! So if you need to spread rumors about me, spread that one! How I banged loads of hot ladies!

• Lobo goes after the bounty he's owed for the kill he didn't commit and learns that he's now an employee of HBO MAX.

• Why does it smell so bad behind my left ear but not my right ear? Do spiders shit behind people's ears? Can ears fart? Did I accidentally fling some shit up behind my ear while wiping my ass earlier?

• Whoops! Wrong window. I'd better close my journal and write in it later so that doesn't happen again. I'm just glad I wasn't talking about how wide my urethra is! Now that would have been embarrassing!

• As Lobo's finding out that Space HBO MAX wants him to star in an anti-hero reality show, he decides to have a double splash page where he pretends his hook on a chain is his dick and he's fucking the guys he's about to kill.

Simon Bisley would have hid like fifteen dicks in this art. I only count three in Jorge's.

• After Lobo kills all the security guards, the president of Space HBO MAX⁵ offers Lobo a deal to star in the biggest bounty hunting reality show since that one where that guy did bounty hunting but which I never saw. His name was Mongoose or Polar Bear or something.

• Wait. It was Dog? Just plain old Dog? Was it at least spelled cool? Or did he need it to read as "god" backwards? You know what? Never mind. I don't care. I've avoided knowing about that guy for five decades. I'll be fine never knowing about him at all.

The Ranking!
Best comic of 2026? Sure! By a mile! By five miles! By however many miles your weensy brain can imagine! Twelve, probably. If a better comic than this has been published in 2026, I'd probably have heard about it. I mean I've had heard about it and not told you to go fuck yourself because Lobo #1 was better. And since that didn't happen, quid pro ipso facto, this is the best comic book of 2026! Suck it!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I wouldn't want to embarrass Debbie or Excalibur Comics, would I?
² Okay, maybe I'm misinterpreting the term "jammie" here. He's probably just talking about loading a gun and not doing the most misogynist thing he can think of immediately on the first page of his new series.
³ Or some other kind of hall monitor nerd. Maybe he just loves rules and hates seeing cool people break them. Loser.
⁴ Which I'll be reviewing next!
⁵ As big a douche as the president of Earth HBO MAX.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: L.E.G.I.O.N. '92 Annual #3 (August 1992)
By Barry Kitson, Mike McKone, John Dell, Jack Torrance, Peter Gross, Bob Smith, Jimmy Palmiotti, Gaspar, and Lovern Kindzierski
Cover by Mike McKone and Jan Harpes
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Raspler

• Should I make a list of the top ten comic book characters I'd like to fuck or would that make me sound too much like a huge anti-social nerd who too often thinks about having sex with fictional creations? Would a list of fuckable comic book characters be more or less weird than a list of animated insurance characters I'd like to fuck? Maybe if I actually fucked a real person, I'd stop thinking about fucking fictional characters that have no agency? Or would I just become the protagonist of Boxing Helena II: The Boxening?

• Shit! I meant the antagonist! Fuck! Did I just expose too much of my interior squidgy being by accidentally expressing that the main character of Boxing Helena was the guy who cut off Sherilyn Fenn's limbs and not Sherilyn Fenn?! I mean, I was joking! Ha ha! It was a joke! I totally understood Boxing Helena! Probably more than you did because I'm an introvert pervert who has only ever loved women whom I've projected my own thoughts and beliefs onto instead of actually getting to know them. Yuck!

• Anyway, that top ten list of comic book characters I'd like to fuck would include Lobo like seven times so it's probably not worth writing. Lobo drawn by Simon Bisley. Lobo drawn by Val Semeiks. Lobo drawn by Keith Giffen¹. Lobo drawn by Jorge Corona².

• Halo would have made that list when I was in my mid to late teens but now it would be just weird. Also, is she still in a coma? Because that would make it less weird. I mean more weird. Stupid squidgy interior being!

• Also, obviously if I made a list of Insurance Company cartoons, it would be Erin Esurance. I would fuck, marry, and kill her! Wait. Goddammit.

• Are there insurance company cartoons other than Erin Esurance? If they are, are they hot? Should I search them out on Deviant Art?

• The issue sort of begins³ with L.E.G.I.O.N. waiting outside the United Nations for a meeting. Maybe the reason was revealed in the monthly title. Maybe it'll be revealed here. For some reason, even though Lobo was in this series, I never fucking read it.

I don't know who this member is but she's wearing Brother Blood's belt slash loin cover-up.

• How many pages until Lobo defeats everybody and wins at comic books? I'm not sure why there's another annual after this and a final bookend Eclipso issue to finish the story. Once Lobo becomes possessed, Eclipso should have all the power he needs to accomplish whatever he wants to accomplish. Destroying the sun, I'm guessing?

• Lobo had to remain behind because, as you can see on the cover, he's missing a sleeve on his jacket and you can't go in front of the United Nations in a leather jacket missing a sleeve! Also he might kill everybody.

• Back at the hotel room where Vril Dox decided Lobo couldn't cause any trouble other than throwing the television out of the window like any Earth rock star might, Lobo decides to drink himself silly with L.E.G.I.O.N. member Scrawny. Is that her name? Scrawny? It's what Lobo calls her so probably.

Oh, no. It must be Stutters!

• Stutters isn't offering to fuck Lobo. That's just the conclusion that he and all the comic book readers leapt to. She wants to play Settlers of Catan Or whatever the equivalent to Catan was in 1992. Probably Trivial Pursuit.

• Lobo drawn by Mike McKone isn't on my list of Top Ten Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck because it looks like he was using Brett Michaels as a reference. No thank you.

• Oh, Ice would be on my list! Also Supergirl's bum drawn by Mahmud Asrar. That might be on the list twice. I wonder if Mahmud has ever drawn Lobo's bum? Hmm. Be right back. Gotta see if Mahmud does commissions!

• Fire wouldn't have been on my list even before she wasn't being transphobic in this issue.

I don't think it's up to you to decide, Fire.

• I have no idea which member of L.E.G.I.O.N. is Strata she's got to be either the caterpillar, the shiny bald one with the massive shoulder pads, or the red Schmoo. None of them are on my Top Ten List of Comic Book Characters I'd Like to Fuck.

• Vril Dox didn't make it to the United Nations thing because he's out on the town looking to buy a Black Diamond. I'm going to assume he has a solid reason for buying one because he's one of them Brainiacs.

• The guy who has the diamond tells Vril Dox "No" when Vril asks him if he can buy the Black Diamond. Afterward, Vril Dox and his partner beat the shit out of the guy's henchmen.

Um, what? It's you guys who didn't understand the word "No" and then resorted to violence. Am I losing my mind here?!

• Fascism to fascists is when they don't get their way. If other people's agency stands in the way of them getting something they want, they believe their freedoms are being crushed and think that violence against the person not giving them what they want is righteous violence against the oppressor. God, I hate fascists. I know! I can't believe I've gone out on such a long, scrawny, stuttering, dangerous limb to declare such an extreme opinion!

• Also I hate libertarians. They're just authoritarians who don't have the balls to do their own violence. The only State anything they like is State violence. But only if that State violence allows them to keep doing whatever stupid fucking thing they believe they have a right to do without anybody complaining. Creeps.

• Here's a quote from Kurt Vonnegut's Mother Night (1961) that has aged like the finest wine⁴:

"There are plenty of good reasons for fighting," I said, "but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too. Where's evil? It's that large part of every man that wants to hate without limit, that wants to hate with God on its side. It's that part of every man that finds all kinds of ugliness so attractive. "It's that part of an imbecile," I said, "that punishes and vilifies and makes war gladly."

• Mother Night isn't one of Vonnegut's most memorable works but it should be. I hardly remembered it after reading it in my 20s. But then I just re-read it a few years ago when I turned 50 and it quickly became one of my favorites. Especially in our modern era of fucking Fox News. The thing Mother Night most taught me was that Sean Hannity should be first against the wall in the coming revolution.

• The game Lobo plays with Stutters is Scrabble. Lobo plays "fragulate". Lobo is so smart!

• Vril Dox and his helper (Lady Quark in a wig, maybe?) retrieve the Black Diamond and then leave it in the same hotel room as Lobo. Even without having seen the cover, I know that's a bad idea! Lobo's anger, rage, and violent libido can probably activate the Black Diamond from several feet away! That wasn't a length of Lobo's dick joke but it could be?

• The first page after everybody leaves Lobo and Lady Quark alone with the Black Diamond makes me laugh out loud. Probably because I'm giddy from all the love chemicals spiking through my brain right now. If I knew how to make heart emojis in HTML, every time I typed L♥B♥, the Os would be hearts. Oh look! I do know how!

1992 and Lobo has mastered the manspread.

• Vril Dox was intelligent enough to somehow beat Lobo in one-on-one combat⁵ so we've got to assume that Vril Dox wanted Lobo to get his hands on the Black Diamond and become Eclipsed. He's already said as much by admitting to Lady Quark that their visit to the United Nations is a sham and that if they really wanted to visit Earth peacefully, they wouldn't have brought Lobo. So why bring Lobo? Why pretend to negotiate an Intergalactic peace summit? Because Vril Dox wants to experiment with making Lobo into super weapon!

• Lobo trashes the hotel trying to kill Lady Quark and Stutters. I mean Zena. Apparently her name is Zena. She can absorb light to make things dark and, this is the important bit, release the light she's absorbed. When Eclipso begins bragging about how darkness is his friend and darkness can't stop the God of Vengeance and "I love Darkness's dick, baby!", Zena thinks light might save the day and blasts Lobo in the face with a million, um, Kelvin? Moles? Parsecs? of light!

• Lobo left the diamond upstairs so once Eclipso's been forced out of him, he returns to plain old regular violent Lobo.

• The rest of L.E.G.I.O.N. returns in time to miss all the action. But when Vril Dox patronizes Lady Quark while she's holding the Black Diamond, she gets super pissed and Eclipses. Or she just saw an opportunity to gain a free beatdown and slapped some make-up on so she could blame it on Eclipso.

• Lady Quark easily defeats all of L.E.G.I.O.N. leaving Lobo to save the day. But not because he wants to save the day. Because he wants to get vengeance on the God of Vengeance for using him to get vengeance on Lady Quark who is currently the God of Vengeance. No matter what happens, Vengeance shall be venged this day. Unless the Justice League shows up to fuck it all up.⁶

How could this team manage to constantly out-fail a team made of Vibe, Gypsy, and Aquaman?!

• English isn't Lobo's first language so he probably thinks "buttheads" is a lot filthier than it actually is. I mean, it sounds pretty filthy! A butt? For a head? Gross! Or is that sexy? Damn, I think it might be sexy.

• Lady Quark gets away and Zena goes missing. She was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and his Ozymandias gang. Nobody apologizes to Lobo for assuming he was the bad guy because he'd beat the shit out of them if they tried.

• Finally having an intelligent person on the side of the good guys means somebody finally comes up with the idea to take the fight to Eclipso on the moon. It took a fucking Coluan to think up that plan!

The Ranking!
This was the best annual yet! That's a weird thing to say because it surmises that I actually likes some of the annuals and then this one was of even superior quality to those. And I hate annuals! Sure, sure. You can't really know if I liked this annual or not because Lobo was in it and I love everything Lobo is in even if it's terrible. I'll never admit to a Lobo comic being bad. You can't make me! Because, um, I don't believe any Lobo comics are bad! If I ever admitted to a Lobo comic not being the best comic, I'd be lying and that would be wrong. Plus this one had a really fucking great ending where it was all, "Only one more annual left and then the conclusion! You're almost done, baby! Celebrate by eating an entire cake!" And I was all, "Rmffleplumfgrr?"⁷


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Weird, sure. But intriguing!
² I mean, probably. We'll find out on Wednesday, March 18th, if I want to fuck that Lobo!
³ If you ignore the actual beginning.
⁴ Most of Vonnegut's quote age that way because when you can see reality clearly and have no agenda other than to communicate the truth of how things are, your words will always sound prophetic and modern. When you're speaking lies to manipulate people toward a selfish agenda, your words will die over time, if they don't immediately fall out of your mouth stillborn.
⁵ Which is why Lobo works for L.E.G.I.O.N. Keeping his word and being honorable is Lobo's biggest flaw!
⁶ I'm pretty sure fucking things up is in their charter.
⁷ That's "Yes, sir! Right on it, sir!" with my mouth full of half of a cake.

Planetary #5 (September 1999)

Planetary #5 (September 1999)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Allison Fuchs, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• I'm currently re-reading Cujo for the first time in nearly forty years. I wrote a Review of it several years ago based on my memories of the book. Now that I'm re-reading it, I didn't go as hard on how bad it makes you feel as I should have. I only remembered how it ended with the narrator explaining how the dog loved his man and his woman and most of all his boy and he never wanted to hurt them and he would have done anything they told him but he couldn't because of a neurological disorder called rabies. Or something. But holy fucking shit, I'm not sure I can make it through a re-read at this point in my life! I must have been a really unfeeling prick at fourteen or whenever I read it. Because now, every time King lets the reader into Cujo's head, it's fucking heartbreaking! The poor doggy! Somebody help the poor doggy! Why did you do this to the poor widdle two hundred pound puppy, King?! YOU FUCKING MONSTER!

• Man, at least the book isn't about a cat. I couldn't handle it if it were about a cat. Oh shit I hope Danielewski doesn't give the cat in The Familiar rabies or I might have to write him a thoroughly displeased tear-stained email.

• Last issue ended with Elijah Snow wandering off to find Doctor Axel Brass and his twisty baby legs. This issue begins with him finding him.

Ew. Gross.

• You might think I'm being ableist but I'm very sensitive to body horror. You should hear my terrified exclamations when I see my own penis.

• No, really. You should. As the song says, "Call me Maybe."

• Snow and Brass discuss Sparks for a bit. Ellis really likes these names that describe a character thematically. Snow is cold-hearted and aloof. Sparks is a peppy, brazen, and optimistic woman. Brass is hard, solid, and has balls.

• At least he had balls. By the look of his legs, I wouldn't expect they weren't smashed into testes jelly.

• Doc Brass spent fifty-four years trapped underground with nobody to talk to. It shows and Snow's worried about it. So he tries to distract him with video tapes.

I'm less surprised that Snow met Welles than that Snow had a girlfriend. Unless she was from Mars. Or a sentient penguin. Then I'd be all, "Oh, yeah, duh. Of course."

• Along with Jenny Sparks, Snow and Brass discuss a guy named John Cumberland. I'll assume he's from a different Wildstorm book with which I'm unfamiliar. He's dead, anyway. And he was from a parallel Earth! Looks like a Wildstorm Superman stand-in.

• One-third of this issue reads like a pulp fiction book with pictures. In these, we're introduced to Anna Hark, the daughter of China's mad genius. She would take his wealth and hide away in America inside her Hark Corporation. Are they up to no good? Did she take her father's original role of villain unto herself? We shall see!

• Snow feels like Planetary has a hidden agenda for the work they're doing and not just gathering information for the sake of it. Seems like a logical conclusion when you're dealing with a corporation that has enough money to buy whatever it needs several times over.

• Doc Brass explains that his groups secret agenda was simply to save the world from itself. But since his group died in 1945 and it's now 1999, he's realizing the arrogance of their belief. Selfish people will make the world a terrible place. But compassionate people will always stand up to the selfish. If not for Doc Brass and his Seven Soldiers, it would have been somebody else. Currently, it's The Authority. Possibly, it could be Planetary.

Most of my favorite panels are when characters are relaxed and engaging in quiet speculation.


It's probably why I despise so much of the world today. Too many people don't know how to engage with a quiet moment of introspection.


They just can't put down the Constant Stimulation Device.

• Brass mentions that he wishes Snow had been around to join them. Snow's response is enigmatic and probably worth paying attention to. I'm sure he was, um, just sucking and fucking all over the place and not helping to build a massive paranormal knowledge gathering organization at all!

I have never said this in my entire life.

The Ranking!
Here's an old poem I wrote which concerns that last panel:

"I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've a little business to take care of"
is a thing I've never said myself,
for I have no business to speak of,
and I have no love for chat.

If you were there, and I was too
(enervated by social obligation),
I would merely stand and say,
"I must be going, my cat's at home, and I think I need a nap."

Anyway, great comic, blah blah, you should read it and shit!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #24 (Third Week of May 2018)

E!TACT! #24
INCEL SPECIAL #1
By Grunion Guy

There was a day when not getting laid wasn't the defining attribute of a person's life. That day isn't today though! In this new millennium, not getting laid is the most traumatic thing that can happen to a person who has reached sexual maturity. Oh, I'm not saying it wasn't also tough last millennium. It's just that it wasn't as tough! Back before the Internet was the all-consuming rough slouching beast we all know and can't not love, we didn't have a place where we could scream into the void, "I can't get laid!" Mostly because all the voids back then were public spaces where people could see who you were when you shouted it and they'd point and say, "Ha ha! Virgin!" I know some of you are thinking, "Why didn't the nerdy virgin shoot that person?" Well, let me tell you how old fashioned last century was: it wasn't acceptable to shoot people! You had to just live in silent shame just like every other teenager who wasn't getting laid. And there probably wasn't a lot of them! It was hard to tell back then but based on teen sex comedies, all of the teenagers but you were getting sex. And by "you," I mean "me" and probably "you" since you're reading a newsletter stemming from a comic book blog written by an Incel.

Oh! I probably should have put a trigger warning on the last paragraph because it contained the word "virgin." Sorry to scar every single person reading this.

So last night, I was on my favorite Incel forum typing a thoroughly logical and over-the-top rational treatise on why women should fuck guys they don't actually want to fuck for the good of all mankind when I took another peak at the forum rules to make sure my unimpeachable string of gotcha fuck rhetoric was within the parameters of the site when I realized maybe we had a bit of a problem in our community. I mean, the number one rule is not to brag if you've finally gotten some sex. Which means those of us who haven't gotten sex and feel like we have no hope must continue to live in hopelessness because we never see when one of our number finds their way out of this lonely pit of despair and hate-masturbation! We're only privy to endless posts by the worst of our community about how sex will remain out of our reach for our entire lives. How do we know they're the worst? Because they're still sexless and in our community after years and years, getting angrier and angrier, sitting in bigger and bigger pools of their own useless drying semen!

It also made me think, "Why is every ounce of my energy devoted to how I'm not getting laid?" But then I had a moment of clarity and realized the game is rigged and women get to fuck anybody they want so why can't I? (Oh yeah! Did I mention I was male? That's probably important if it wasn't already assumed because who else would be completely consumed by their lack of sexual experience? I mean, lack of experience being close to and intimate with another person? Obviously this isn't just about sex or else we'd all pay for it, right? And if that were the case, where we could pay for it to stop feeling so hurt and angry and resentful of this very specific thing and totally not a whole bunch of other things, we wouldn't be consumed with blind hatred for the world because the world would be smelling of roses because our dicks would be smelling of vaginas. And this situation isn't that simple, guys!) How can I not spend every waking moment despising the girl I have a huge crush on because I know she's fucking whatever gross guy she can find when she's feeling horny. There's totally no way she's sexless and pining over a guy totally out of her league because she's a girl and it's different! I mean, if she was really desperate, there's always me, right?! What's wrong with her?!

I once saw a tweet that said something like "How dare you say you're hungry when there's a perfectly good slice of pizza lying on the sidewalk?" and I almost thought about how it related to what I expect from women but then I remembered not one woman has fucked me and I got back to writing my treatise on how the world would be a better place if supermodels would spend more time hanging around high schools fucking losers.

Sorry. I hate to call anybody from our community a loser! That's probably against the rules. We shouldn't be looking at the faults of the people in the Incel community as to why we aren't getting laid (or why we're consumed with that one small aspect of our sexless lives). We should be asking why we're even in this predicament to begin with when women outnumber men in this country. Why aren't we all partnered up?! And I don't mean partnered up by some kind of lottery because I'm not sleeping with some girl I find gross (not that I've had that opportunity because even gross girls want hot guys. What is up with that?!). I want to be able to pick the woman I want to fuck and I want her to be totally into it. Why isn't she into it? I'm a nice guy and I'm sure I'd act more adult and be able to provide for her once I got the motivation by getting laid.

I once heard a story about this guy who hadn't been laid because he was into Blood Bowl, Apple IIe games, and a chick who didn't want to have sex with him no matter how many times he drunkenly cried in front of her. But then he was in a situation where he took the initiative and did a manly thing in front of a woman he had been playfully flirting with which totally led to fucking her later. He didn't even pursue her after that moment. She sought him out because he did something that impressed her. His friend, who had more seriously been flirting with her, said that she couldn't keep her eyes off that guy after the thing he did that didn't involve trying to fuck her at all and was just an independent action that helped a number of people. But then I was all, "He must have been good looking and thin and society is bullshit. Why didn't the friend get any pussy? I bet he was fat and his IQ was too high." So that story didn't help.

How is it fair that five guys in high school get all of the women? We need a more even playing field. For men, I mean. Not having sex is too complex an issue that's too time consuming for me to have to think about women possibly having similarly complex problems concerning getting laid for the first time. I mean, obviously when a woman first gets a horny thought in her head, all she has to do is walk down to the local bar and fuck any guy at all. Because all guys want to fuck therefore women have no problem getting laid. It's simple logic. So female Incels are urban legends and unicorns and myths and the only people who mention them are just trying to obfuscate the issue. And that issue is how dry it is in my pants.

I propose we start a national draft of fucking. Since men spent so many years having to fear being drafted into the military to risk our lives (many of us having never even known the pleasant touch of whatever it feels like to have a woman you've just met follow you into the bathroom at a party who then leans in to kiss you as she slips her hands down the back of your sweat pants before moving them around to the front to grasp your twitching rod. Oh man that must be the greatest thing on Earth! Why am I being denied these simple treasures?! I mean, I don't really go to parties or attempt to flirt with women or cultivate an image that would attract the attentions of like-minded women because what's the point? Remember how the game is rigged?! There will probably be fifty more attractive men at that party before me! And even if there are fifty-one women, they're all going to fight over the top ten attractive guys while the other forty-one go home later to hate-masturbate), women should now be forced into a sex draft. Whenever a guy is ready to get laid for the first time, he should be able to call a government agency who will then pull a fuck draft number. Then that woman must fly out to this guy at her own expense (or maybe we can use some government money for this. It's too important to leave up to the woman because if she doesn't have the money, the guy needing to get laid might start killing people) to fuck him. And she has to fuck him (unless he isn't attracted to her. Then he gets to pull another lottery number! Maybe the draft should only draft hot women. The others would be dismissed, not for flat feet but for flat chests! Ha ha)! None of this, "Well, he came as soon as I touched his penis so I did my job, right?" NO! You need to provide penetration! No suck and fuck where the suck gets the job done so you think you can put away the fuck! Plus remember how the draft was for four years? Yeah! This woman needs to be committed for as long as the guy doesn't get tired of her. This is just like military service! You can't just not fuck when the guy wants to fuck. That would be akin to going AWOL.

Some day, I'm sure that piece of legislation will be drafted but it won't help me. I'll probably be long dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound after going on a sexless killing rampage. And who can blame me?! Who can blame anybody who kills a bunch of people after not having sex for seventeen years of their life?! Not that the first twelve to fifteen should count in that timeline. So what I'm saying is "How can you blame anybody for being angry for not having sex for two to four years after reaching sexual maturity?! They should get it as soon as their dick first gets hard! Or else people are going to have to pay a price."

Hmm, now that I've said that in quotation marks, it seems a bit harsh. I might believe it but maybe people shouldn't quote me on it! That seems like something I should have typed anonymously on an Incel forum where it would receive a ton of support, making me think I was on the right track in my thinking.

* * * * * * * * * *


Incel Comic Book Reviews!

Action Comics Special #1
By Jurgens, Russell, Landis, Conrad, Thompson, Manapul, and Quintana

It's obvious Luthor is an Incel. His motivations make no sense otherwise. Here is Superman, the uncuckiest of the uncucky, come from outside Earth to fuck any woman he wants. Sure, he only chooses three (Lana, Lois, and Diana) but that doesn't stop all of the other Earth women expecting every man they meet to be as good as Superman. He's fucking unleveling the playing field to such a cosmic degree that Lex Luthor has taken it upon himself to destroy this enemy of the unfuckable. It was hard enough to get laid as an intelligent unattractive man before everybody expected men to have fabulous pectoral muscles and tight abdomens and high moral characters who treated everybody kindly, no matter what they looked like. Now it was next to impossible! But Luthor would come to the rescue (I know some people might be thinking, "Luthor? He's not really unattractive." But that's why he's bald. It's the metaphor for "unfuckable loser" in comic books)! Luthor is the man willing to martyr himself for the cause by killing the root cause of our unfuckableness. Once he takes out Superman, women will turn their eyes back toward mortal men. Of course their eyes will fall on faces like Chris Hemsworth and the other Hemsworths with other names (and sometimes other hair colors) instead of our community of Incels just waiting to be loved by a woman looking for a nice guy who will worship them.

Remember Revenge of the Nerds? Is that how you get a woman to fuck you? You trick them into thinking they're getting oral sex from their terrible quarterback boyfriend? Then after they've orgasmed because in this scenario I somehow know how to eat pussy successfully, they'll be in so much bliss that they won't call the police to have you arrested for oral rape, instead choosing to become your girlfriend? Man! Now I just have to figure out how to sneak my tongue into a woman's vagina! Also I need to figure out how to eat a pussy! Does it involve chewing? It must since it uses the verb "to eat" in the description. Also, do I absolutely have to know where the clitoris is? I hear it looks like a tiny dick. Do I have to put my mouth on that? That sounds gay. And if I were gay, I almost certainly wouldn't be an Incel. At least not after I'd come out of the closet. I suppose while in the closet, I'd totally be an Incel although women would probably like me better than this hetero version of being an Incel. That's probably a double standard that Lex Luthor could fix.

YAAAAAAS! My Incel queen! (Am I allowed to use that appropriated turn of phrase? Probably! I'm angry and resentful and my point of view is important!)

As Lex wanders around the Fortress of Solitude angrily jerking off on all of Superman's prized possessions (and hate fucking the top of the Bottle City of Kandor), he uses the term "so-called." This is the favorite phrase of mediocre and bad comic book writers. It gets so much bitter resentment and sexual frustration out in one simple phrase! Whenever I'm out shopping, I like to say things like "so-called bottle of ketchup" and "so-called farm style shredded cheese" and "so-called check-out slut." It doesn't mean much but it's like an emergency vent venting steam that would otherwise build up until I decided to finally pick up one of the many guns lying around America's gutters to shoot up my old high school. I know the girls there now aren't the ones who wouldn't fuck me but — let's face it — the ones there now aren't going to fuck me either! So remember, if you're an up and coming Incel writer, use this phrase as often as you can to indicate that the speaker is either way smarter than the person who used the "so-called" word in the first place or if the speaker is just a patronizing, cynical jerk (which is kind of just a restatement of my first example, really).

Lex has infiltrated the Fortress of Solitude to discover Superman's secret identity. Weird how discovering Clark Kent is Superman is harder than getting into a Fortress. Lex Luthor discovered Batman was Bruce Wayne when he learned Nightwing was Dick Grayson. But he hasn't learned Superman is Clark Kent when Clark Kent was the only one writing pro-Superman editorials for years on end while also writing all of the Superman news stories from Superman's point of view while also maintaining perfect abs and large pectoral muscles? Maybe Lex was thrown off because Clark Kent is such an obvious cuck. No way that unfuckable nerd was really out saving the world. I'm surprised learning the truth doesn't completely gall Lex. He should spend thirteen pages screaming, "How is that unfuckable four-eyed twit getting Lois Lane quality pussy while I'm stuck masturbating to that one time I saw my sister in the shower?! FUCK THIS WORLD AND FUCK SUPERMAN RIGHT IN HIS ASS AND NO THAT ISN'T A FANTASY I'M NOT GAY!"

At least Lex spares a few Narration Boxes to point out that Superman is an insipid loser who mocks Everyman by pretending to be just as unfuckable as the rest of us.

Yeah, extra cheese all over the side of the pizza box. Superman may get to stick his dick into Lois Lane's vagina but he's too stupid to carry a pizza box correctly.

Lex Luthor finally does what he should have done from the beginning: he begins blaming a woman. I guess before he was smart enough to figure out Superman's identity, he didn't know to target Lois Lane. But once he does, it's understandable that he can't believe she'd go for that piece of shit alien over the smartest man in the room. I mean on the planet. He might not get to fuck her the way Superman does (not that he ever could! We in the Incel community understand that if we ever do get to fuck, we're going to do it terribly. So now we have to worry about disappointing a woman in yet another way. Why do they get to judge if the sex is good or bad?!) but he'll make sure to fuck her in a really unsubtle metaphoric way!

It's practically our Incel motto: "If she wanted a man who's truly superior, she should have pursued me!"

I know I've been referring to those green Narration Boxes as Lex Luthor because they really should be Luthor's voice. But the comic has been pretty cagey about showing who it actually is (plus Superman figures it's Luthor on like page five. That's the biggest clue that it can't be Luthor! Clark isn't that smart). It's somebody in a wheelchair with Lex colored armor and a bald head who must use a respirator. So it might be Lex Luthor from the future or it might be Lex Luthor's sister, Lindsay. Or Labia. Whatever. But if it is his sister, she's a lesbian. Is she a lesbian? Probably since lesbian beings with "L".

If it's not Luthor, I'll be terribly disappointed because it's the one time Jurgens has ever gotten Lex's voice correct. He's pure Incel here! And who ever thought he was anything but? He even has a sex robot! Which doesn't count as having sex, of course. Because you can't degrade and shame a robot.

Later, Luthor attacks Lois personally. Except it's not his regular armor. It's big and bulky and fat. Plus the head in the helmet looks like it might be a hologram. And since the person who discovered Superman's identity used a hologram doohickey earlier, it's probably that person. I hope they name him General Incel.

Remember how the whole world thought Superman was Clark Kent but then Mxyzptlk helped clear it up with a fake Clark Kent? Shouldn't the person who just discovered Clark was Superman have thought, "Hey! We all knew the truth for a while but then we all got fooled by a lie later! It's like we all agreed to go back to being blue pilled!"

If I wasn't such a serious and real Incel, I might have had to make sure I was using the right color pill for that reference! Good thing I totally watch The Matrix like six times a week and didn't have to look up "red pill" on Urban Dictionary where I might find some asshat has put up a totally offensive definition like this: "When you are so insecure about not getting laid that you blame it on Jews and feminists." Fucking jerks.

Oh! Maybe this is the real Lex Luthor! It could be the Preboot Lex Luthor returned for Rebirth! That other Lex Luthor is a fraud and a cuck. We're finally getting the good old angry unfuckable Lex back now that DC Comics has slowly been smearing the Preboot universe over the New 52 universe like a grandmother who makes terrible peanut butter and jelly sandwiches by putting everything on the same slice of bread while thinking up long and convoluted metaphors so that she isn't paying close enough attention to the balance of spreads. Welcome back, King of All Incels!

Although being that it's Dan Jurgens writing this, it's almost definitely Lex Luthor from the future. Which is also fine as long as the ultimate outcome is a return to Lex being a gigantic dick for no apparent reason. At least no apparent reason to most lamestream readers who couldn't see the truth even if Morpheus forced it down their throats.

After a few more pages of battle, it turns out the majestic thinker from the beginning of the comic book was Lex from the future. He dies in the battle from a heart attack and then is consumed in an explosion so that Lex Luthor never discovers his hate lives on. Superman refuses to tell Luthor about it, assuming that Luthor from the future is some kind of an anomaly and not actually this Luthor from the future (which it has to be because that's how time works (except this is a comic book so that's not true at all (plus time travel isn't real so maybe it works like this?))). Or maybe since future Luthor just told Superman that he never, ever beats Superman, Superman doesn't give a shit about present Lex at all now. He now knows Lex will always fail so he turns his stupid Chad back on him. Fucking just like every Chad. They don't think I'm a threat to their sex life at all! As if they could fuck any girl they want while I have to stew in my own semen-laced resentment! Well, I'll show them some day! Someday they'll be sorry when I stop feeling like a huge beta and decide to be a gigantic disgrace to my parents and all of mankind!

I mean, that's what an anonymous person on a forum would probably say! But not me! I'm happy not being fucked by anybody and would never dream of taking out my failures on innocent bystanders! I'm totally stable!

The second story takes place at the White House Correspondents Dinner and is some kind of liberal claptrap bullpucky about how it's okay to laugh at stuff as long as you stick to really specific targets, like white males or white males who can't get fucked or virgin white males. Fucking Mark Russell thinks he's such a pussy hound with his great jokes and insightful glimpses into characters like Clark and Lois and Lex and Snagglepuss and Betty and Wilma.

Why can't we expect people without power to laugh at themselves? What's so special about powerful people and their lack of laughing?! P.S. I'm offended and slightly engorged by the coffee mug.

This is just a retelling of that time Seth Meyers bullied Donald Trump. I bet that cuck Seth Meyers is regretting that move now, right?! MAGA!

I swear I didn't laugh at any of Mark Russell's stupid jokes. Why do leftists always have to throw their agenda around? It makes their humor so terrible. Don't they know any good jokes about black men in suits and where they must obviously be?! Oh, but I guess it's not politically correct to assume black people are criminals now! It's not like that leads to a culture of systemic bias against...um, you know what? Those jokes are still funny.

The final story is by Max Landis and all I could think while reading this hippie Superman bullshit is, "Why isn't Frank Miller still writing Superman comic books?!"


Batman: White Knight #8
By Murphy and Hollingsworth

Is this a comic book about how everything Batman does is in service to trying to get laid? It's so obvious that when guys defend women's rights or claim to be feminists or obsessively fight for justice in the name of their murdered parents that they're just doing it to impress the ladies. Even if a guy declared he was a feminist and a woman was all, "Oh my! Do me in the thingy!" and he declined to do her in the thingy, I would suspect he was only declining in the hopes better looking women will be impressed by his staunch beliefs and ask him to do their thingy later. Not one heterosexual guy in the history of heterosexual guys has ever done anything that wasn't a move to get himself laid.

Which, sure, you might think is an odd belief coming from an Incel whose every expressed belief and conviction sounds like something you'd say if you were trying to never get laid ever again (or for the first time even). You'd think I'd look at the way white knights' armor is rusting from pussy juices and come to the conclusion that faking being suave and nice and kind and interesting and competent would be the better way to go if I wanted to stop being an Incel. Well, maybe you haven't been listening, Chad, but no matter what I do, I'll never get a woman to be interested in me because they're shallow jerks who only want to have sex with good looking or interesting or competent or kind or sexually experienced men! I know my place and I'm determined to prove my point that the world is stacked against me and women are shallow asses by digging this hole deeper and deeper! See how much I'm not getting laid? I think that proves my point!

In this series, The Joker concocted an intricate plan to save Gotham. At least that's what all the blue pilled sheep probably believe after reading it. But as I pointed out, everything every guy does is in service to getting laid. And Joker's big plan was simply to convince Harley that he wasn't a psychotic, abusive bastard so that she'll go back to fucking him. And it works!

Don't believe me? The cover even proves my point!

See? The focal point of the battle to save Gotham was the ice cannon. But the cover shows the ice cannon was really Joker's penis.

* * * * * * * * * *


Jokes for Incels!

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How the fuck should I know? I've never seen a woman screw anything.


Knock knock!
Who's there?
A woman!
Bullshit.


What's black and white and red all over?
A vagina? Maybe?


Thirty two horses on a red hill. First they champ then they stamp then they refuse to have sex with me. What are they?
Feminists.


A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" So the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Virgin Tom Collins?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, you loser!"

* * * * * * * * * *

A Few Parting Words

Some people might think it's funny to call somebody else a virgin. But those people are hurtful jerks. There's nothing funny about being a virgin. Not being able to have sex or feel intimacy with another person is the worst thing that can happen to a person. Some people might think, "Well then why don't you just pay for it already so that you stop thinking about it all of the time?" That might seem like an answer and maybe it actually is an answer because if I got laid, I'd feel relieved and a lot less anxious about it. But it's also not the answer because even if everything about our name, Involuntary Celibate, leads people to believe it's all about sex (and it totally is right up until somebody brings up the bit about going to a prostitute), we'll totally move the goalposts as soon as such an obvious answer to our problem is espoused. So it's not about sex at all! What we want is to be loved by a woman who doesn't make us throw up in our mouth a little bit when we look at her (even if we make her projectile vomit across the room by looking at us (or by just listening to our rhetoric)). We also might want a little bit of power over the fairer sex because even though people talk about the Patriarchy and how men have the power, that isn't the case because why am I not having loads of sex then? Women have all the power because they get to say no to our disgusting advances. And I'm tired of that! When do I get the power, hunh?! When do I get to dictate when I have sex?! Why is it always the woman who gets to say yes or no (and, by the way, they always say no which is why we need a new model for relationships!)?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that the whole Incel movement isn't about sex at all. If it was, there would be a simple solution: pay for it. And since I'm still a virgin (as are all the terrible people on the Incel Forum I frequent on an hourly basis to express my disappointment and rage), it sort of proves that we're not willing to accept a reasonable solution to ending our sexlessness. That's because it's all about power and we're going to gain that power one way or another. Women won't have sex with us? Well we're going to terrorize them until they do! That'll definitely work, right? MAGA!

Planetary #4 (July 1999)

This guy droppin' star-shaped confetti like he's a letter from my mother¹.

Planetary #4 (July 1999)
by Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Alison Fuchs, and Laura Depuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

• Reading is way easier than writing. And watching television isn't all that much easier than reading. I think what I'm trying to say is I should be watching television.

• One of the early college "things smart people know" bit that would enrage me was when people would spout the idea that reading was active and watching television was passive as if they had just spoke aloud the Holy Word of God. But, you know, reading is, um, passive? Writing is active. Watching television is just more passive than reading because you often don't pause to think about it. You watch one program, get snacks during the commercial, and then dive into the next program without processing the previous show. It's why binging shows makes them harder to remember than when you watched one episode per week and actually thought about it and talked about it with friends prior to the next episode. You did some "active" work on it. Movies are less passive than television because you often see them in a group and then discuss them after, even if it's just as you're walking back to the lobby or going to piss or on the drive home. Reading is the least passive and often seems active because you can stop at any fucking moment and think about Frodo's cock or Tom Joad's cock or Clifford the Big Red Dog's Big Red Lipstick.

• Why am I discussing this? Fuck if I know. I'm just being, um, active! Oh! You know what's super passive because it's almost no better than napping in the long run? Playing video games! Obviously there's a massive spectrum here. I don't mean to imply that Zork is as passive as Candy Crush! At least in one of those, you get to murder thieves and steal tons of shit.

Reading comic books is the most passive activity there is next to falling into a coma!

• Can you imagine Satan farting? Me neither! Because first I'd have to imagine God. And then I'd have to imagine God farting. And then I'd have to imagine a war among the angels. And then I'd have to imagine Satan. And then I'd have to imagine Satan stuffing a spicy burrito down his throat. And then maybe I'd imagine Satan farting.

• Oh, by the way, reading is a way, way, way, way, ++way better activity than nearly any other activity in the world. At least for becoming a better, more rounded, kinder, smarter person. It's not better for orgasms though.²

• The building which blew up in a way described by Mr. Neumeier there as "Satan farting" was a Hark Corporation building. You might remember the name Hark from Planetary #1 where he was a guy whom I thought might have been Fu Manchu. I believe he was the brains behind the quantum computer? I probably would know that for sure but I'm not one of those people who tasks themselves with "remembering stuff". That's for, like, butlers and servants!

• A man named Mr. Wilder is investigating the building's collapse. He hints that it wasn't a Hark Operation and it wasn't an enemy of the Hark Corporation (as, he points out, they have no enemies⁴). But it was probably one of those since why would the guy investigating the disaster tell a person he was questioning what really happened? He's probably just questioning the guy to make sure he didn't actually see what happened.⁵

See?! He was totally lying!

• I realize in our common parlance (given to us in so many ways by white nationalists and pedophiles who decided reality needed to be more like the bog-pits of 4Chan), "Snowflake" means somebody who takes offense at any little thing (you know, like a MAGA, Christian, or Bill Maher). But I suspect that in this instance, the Snowflake represents the way somebody might picture a multiverse. So the terrorist operation "Snowflake" is probably just the quantum computer that Hark developed back in the '40s.

• Ground Zero of the place where the Hark Corporation building was basically vaporized in a fit of demon flatulence has been covered up as Planetary and a horde of Hazmat-suited individuals investigate the disaster.

• The reader discovers Planetary is there when Mr. Wilder chases a mugger down into the rubble and leaps onto what is probably the cause of the trouble: an ancient looking sacrificial stone altar covered in the meat of dead humans⁶.

And which is also a transdimensional portal of some kind.

• It's normal to keep getting this series confused with my memories of The Authority, right?!

• I feel like Planetary was just Warren Ellis thinking, "What if The Authority but less decapitations and spines being yanked out of bodies?"

• The "living plinth" (as Jakita describes it) refuses to transport The Drummer as he jumps up and down on it. But it does return Mr. Wilder only a few moments later. It's apparent, from the scar on his chest, that he was gone for much longer, as much time as it takes, I'm guessing, to remove all of his organs and fill him up with alien nanotechnology.

• Mr. Wilder is relocated to some mountain retreat where Doc Brass is undergoing physical rehabilitation for his scrawny fucked-up legs. I think it's also the tuberculosis hospital where Doc Holliday died. But that's, um, just a guess based on my own proclivities, delusions, and desires.

I should probably scan and collate and file and other organizing terms⁷ every panel where Jakita, Elijah, or The Drummer attempt to explain Planetary.

• Mr. Wilder tells the story of his abduction: he wound up on a European shiftship whose crew died on impact (with what? I don't know!). So I guess that bit about confusing The Authority with Planetary just became more confusing! I know, I know. They're all Wildstorm Universe titles so they share history. But, I mean, I just said that thing earlier! Probably because I was pre-remembering this moment and the "A-ha!" echoing down from my previous reads of this series.

• Warren Ellis explains to the reader what Mr. Wilder explains to Planetary what the shiftship explained to him.

See? I probably pre-remembered⁸ that Snowflake thing too.

• Apparently, this shiftship killed the dinosaurs. Science and the discovery of the Chicxulub crater be damned!

• I'm making an ass out of me and John Cassaday since I'm assuming the picture of the shiftship slamming into Earth with all the dinosaurs watching on is hinting at that global extinction.

• Mr. Wilder promised the shiftship that he would help it get home. But he needs six other people to volunteer to go through what he went through since it needs seven people to fly it.

• Jakita is all, "We don't do shit, dude. Planetary just watches and takes, man!" But Elijah is all, "Look, I'm the secret 4th Man running this thing even though nobody knows it yet (even me!). But I'll pay for whatever you need and we'll make sure this shiftship gets home!" Then The Drummer winks at Jakita and Jakita makes jerk-off motions behind Elijah's back.

The Ranking!
This issue gives readers a littl tease to how Planetary fits into the Wildstorm Universe while also maintaining a secret presence. Also we learn that Hark (or his descendants) run a powerful computer corporation which might be important later. Also we saw Doc Brass still under the auspices of Planetary. Since Elijah wandered off to speak with him, next issue should be a little more about how he'll fit in. Plus he's on the cover of Issue #5. All in all, I give this issue a ranking of Infinite Snowflakes out of Infinite Snowflakes!




__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Oh shit. I should probably call my mom! BRB!
² Unless you're reading Penthouse Letters³, of course.
³ I almost said Penthouse Forum but that magazine featured a ton of feminist writings which, while I might agree with them, weren't necessarily pro-boner.
⁴ Other than the "Justice Department and anyone else paranoid about computer software monopolies." So they, um, do have enemies then?
⁵ Wait. Was it actually Satan farting?!
⁶ Possibly just fungus or interdimensional coral. It's kind of hard to tell.
⁷ Laminate?
⁸ Look, I know pre-remembered is just remembered! Just fucking calm down, man. Enjoy life!