E!TACT #31
Super Sons Love Dynomutt #1, Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw #1, Black Lightning Loves Hong Kong Phooey #1, Flash Loves Speed Buggy #1, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
COMIC BOOK REVIEWS!
Super Sons Love Dynomutt #1, Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw #1, Black Lightning Loves Hong Kong Phooey #1, Flash Loves Speed Buggy #1, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
COMIC BOOK REVIEWS!
Super Sons Love Dynomutt #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Tomasi, Pasarin, Albert, and Eltaeb
I may be caught up on Batman and his lack of honeymoon cat pussy but I'm so far behind on my weekly comics that I'm considering the terrible idea of doing haiku reviews for all the comics currently in my stack. The problem with that is that haikus in English are not beautiful and rarely interesting. Any form of poetry that can be done by somebody who counts syllables on their fingers is not a form of poetry worth reading. Again, though, I'm speaking purely of haikus in English. The reason haikus in Japanese are beautiful and interesting are that all of their syllables are basically the same length.
Some people might argue with me that a syllable is a syllable is a syllable but then I'd rebut that argument with an asshole is an asshole is an asshole.
Anyway, I'm not doing the haiku thing. But I really should think of some way to shorten the amount of time it takes to review each comic book. I have done limericks before. Those are also short, like haikus, but they're tougher to write. Not because it's harder to rhyme a few words than to count to seventeen but because limericks should be witty. It could take a little time to think up a good twist in the limerick's final line whereas I can whip up a haiku in fifteen seconds. It won't be any good but then how would that differentiate it from any other haiku?!
Ha ha! I just zinged haikus! Take that, you pretentious style of poetry!
Here are a couple of classic limericks I wrote for Superman:
Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"
It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.
Those are pretty good, right? They're better than some of the classics. Like these:
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'
There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat.
Gross. Anyway. I guess maybe I should just read this stupid comic book that I bought simply because really young me loved Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. I even had the boring board game. It was so boring that I almost called it a "bored" game before I thought better of that dumb joke and punished myself by punching myself in the face simply because I thought of it.
Have you ever punched yourself so hard in the face that you see stars? The trick is to surprise yourself otherwise you'll pull the punch. "But how do I do that, Grunion Guy?" you rightly ask. "Well, what you do is," I explain patiently to the obvious dum-dums who have never punched themselves so hard in the face that they've seen stars, "You agree to ride as a passenger in a convertible owned by a guy who can't drive. So when he takes an insane corner, you forget the top is down and you quickly reach up to grab the roof to steady yourself. Being that the roof isn't there, you punch yourself hard in the face! Ta da!"
The issue begins with Dynomutt's secret origin. Basically he grew old and was about to die so Blue Falcon put robot parts in him. For some reason, those parts didn't just keep him alive. They also allowed his legs to grow really long and gave him the ability to talk. I guess Blue Falcon cut him open and thought, "While I'm in here...!"
After that, Clark, Lois, and Jon go to a funeral.
By Tomasi, Pasarin, Albert, and Eltaeb
I may be caught up on Batman and his lack of honeymoon cat pussy but I'm so far behind on my weekly comics that I'm considering the terrible idea of doing haiku reviews for all the comics currently in my stack. The problem with that is that haikus in English are not beautiful and rarely interesting. Any form of poetry that can be done by somebody who counts syllables on their fingers is not a form of poetry worth reading. Again, though, I'm speaking purely of haikus in English. The reason haikus in Japanese are beautiful and interesting are that all of their syllables are basically the same length.
Some people might argue with me that a syllable is a syllable is a syllable but then I'd rebut that argument with an asshole is an asshole is an asshole.
Anyway, I'm not doing the haiku thing. But I really should think of some way to shorten the amount of time it takes to review each comic book. I have done limericks before. Those are also short, like haikus, but they're tougher to write. Not because it's harder to rhyme a few words than to count to seventeen but because limericks should be witty. It could take a little time to think up a good twist in the limerick's final line whereas I can whip up a haiku in fifteen seconds. It won't be any good but then how would that differentiate it from any other haiku?!
Ha ha! I just zinged haikus! Take that, you pretentious style of poetry!
Here are a couple of classic limericks I wrote for Superman:
Jimmy Olsen was murdered last issue,
So Superman needed a tissue.
He pulled out his cock,
And jerked off in a sock,
Screaming, "Jimmy, my pal, how I miss you!"
It turned out Jim was not really dead.
"We knew it!" the fanboys all said.
Some posted smart theories,
Amidst genial queries,
But mostly they snorted and meh'd.
Those are pretty good, right? They're better than some of the classics. Like these:
There was an old man from Nantucket,
Whose cock was so long he could suck it;
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.'
There was an old lady from Grott,
Who lived on green apples and snot;
When she couldn't get these,
She lived on the cheese
She scraped from the end of her twat.
Gross. Anyway. I guess maybe I should just read this stupid comic book that I bought simply because really young me loved Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. I even had the boring board game. It was so boring that I almost called it a "bored" game before I thought better of that dumb joke and punished myself by punching myself in the face simply because I thought of it.
Have you ever punched yourself so hard in the face that you see stars? The trick is to surprise yourself otherwise you'll pull the punch. "But how do I do that, Grunion Guy?" you rightly ask. "Well, what you do is," I explain patiently to the obvious dum-dums who have never punched themselves so hard in the face that they've seen stars, "You agree to ride as a passenger in a convertible owned by a guy who can't drive. So when he takes an insane corner, you forget the top is down and you quickly reach up to grab the roof to steady yourself. Being that the roof isn't there, you punch yourself hard in the face! Ta da!"
The issue begins with Dynomutt's secret origin. Basically he grew old and was about to die so Blue Falcon put robot parts in him. For some reason, those parts didn't just keep him alive. They also allowed his legs to grow really long and gave him the ability to talk. I guess Blue Falcon cut him open and thought, "While I'm in here...!"
After that, Clark, Lois, and Jon go to a funeral.
Who bukkaked Archie in his casket?
I mean, "There once was a man known as Archie,
Whose dead body we all had to see,
One viewer was horny,
And not quite so mourny,
So he taught us all how to bukkake."
That might have sounded disrespectful and insulting but, in my defense, I have no idea what vitiligo is. So I couldn't have been making fun of it. Whatever it is. Who knows? Not me!
Rating: It's hard to get the entirety of one story into one limerick but I'm going to try by generalizing the plot into non-existence! Here we go:
Blue Falcon dies at the end,
But before that, the story does wend,
Not much is said,
And then Falcon is dead.
Surprise! Blue Falcon winds up on the mend!
Whose dead body we all had to see,
One viewer was horny,
And not quite so mourny,
So he taught us all how to bukkake."
That might have sounded disrespectful and insulting but, in my defense, I have no idea what vitiligo is. So I couldn't have been making fun of it. Whatever it is. Who knows? Not me!
Rating: It's hard to get the entirety of one story into one limerick but I'm going to try by generalizing the plot into non-existence! Here we go:
Blue Falcon dies at the end,
But before that, the story does wend,
Not much is said,
And then Falcon is dead.
Surprise! Blue Falcon winds up on the mend!
* * * * * * * * * *
Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Abnett, Parker, Pelletier, Kolins, Hennessy, Beredo, and McCaig
Hopefully this story is about a rash of shark attack victims across landlocked states of the USA. "Who could possibly be behind these horrible atrocities?" thinks Aquaman as he watches a great white shark shred on the drums. "How the fuck does he manage that double bass?! Wicked!"
Hmm. Apparently I wasn't too far off on Aquaman's investigative technique.
By Abnett, Parker, Pelletier, Kolins, Hennessy, Beredo, and McCaig
Hopefully this story is about a rash of shark attack victims across landlocked states of the USA. "Who could possibly be behind these horrible atrocities?" thinks Aquaman as he watches a great white shark shred on the drums. "How the fuck does he manage that double bass?! Wicked!"
Hmm. Apparently I wasn't too far off on Aquaman's investigative technique.
The King of the Sea: "Hey, land person. Anything going on in the ocean I should know about?!"
Strange shark sightings have been reported in Amnesty Bay. They're not strange because the shark shouldn't be feeding in the bay but because the shark is super friendly and rocks people's socks off. So it sounds like it's a situation that desperately needs the attention of a member of the Justice League. You don't want too many people having a pleasant encounter with a great white shark. What if they begin to think all great whites are friendly?!
Now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is an allegory about the rise of white supremacy in the United States of America.
Aquaman meets up with Jabberjaw to discover he's just a big Rodney Dangerfield/Lou Costello/Curly wannabe. So maybe I was too quick to assume political commentary in a Hanna-Barbera/DC mashup comic book.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if maybe this is an allegory about the rise of white supremacy in the United States of America.
Aquaman meets up with Jabberjaw to discover he's just a big Rodney Dangerfield/Lou Costello/Curly wannabe. So maybe I was too quick to assume political commentary in a Hanna-Barbera/DC mashup comic book.
Poor white conservatives can't even read a relaxing Aquaman Loves Jabberjaw comic book without being subtly criticized!
Did I say "subtly criticized"? Apparently I'm better at reading comic books than I first realized (and, believe me, I realized I was great at it almost immediately! I ain't no humble pair of titties!) because this absolutely is a comic book about white supremacy. Man. Now I'm just depressed. I was hoping I was going to escape reality for a few minutes and just read the innocent story of a great white shark banging human groupies.
I mean, seriously, Dan Abnett. Can't you keep your liberal agenda to yourself?! This is so uncivil, criticizing Trumpers right here in a comic book that should be free of politics! How am I, an ultra-liberal tool of communism, supposed to enjoy a book that skewers racist, misogynistic, anti-sea-life bastards?! Oh wait! I just realized what I typed! This is terrific! For a second there, I thought I was a white male conservative who gets super defensive whenever somebody points out that our country is being dismantled by white male conservatives and then writes posts on Facebook like "Both sides aren't being very civil! Stop attacking people that I identify with and pointing out that maybe some of my thoughts and ideas are problematic and gross! Jerks!"
In the end, Aquaman realizes that people only respond to propaganda and mind control so he teaches Jabberjaw's band, The Neptunes, to use aqua-telepathy to brainwash the masses into being cool to each other. Wait a second. Is that a good message? Is Dan Abnett's message actually the opposite of what I thought?! Is he a conservative criticizing the entertainment industry for espousing liberal views to make the world a better place?! I'm confused!
I wish this story had just been about a shark fucking the ladies.
There's a Captain Caveman story in the end that points out how punching Nazis goes way back. Way, way, way back. So far way back that we just have to accept that Nazis need to be punched. You can't spend your life not punching Nazis?! I mean, what can you do?! It's right there in a comic book!
Rating: I think this book was so liberal that every conservative who read it immediately began boycotting DC comic books and burned their Action Comics #1 to own the libtards. Although, was it too liberal? I mean, the plot revolves around a racist Ocean Master who is obviously a stand-in for racist conservative Americans. But then his whole anti-sea-life mission is being financed by a liberal, anti-human agenda! The fucking liberals are behind it all to make white males look bad! And in the end, the only way to get the liberal message across to the world is to sink it into their brains with telepathic pop songs, essentially brainwashing them into compliance! I think this is one of those "both-sides-ism" things! Poor Jabberjaw being exploited by Dan Abnett for his confusing political agenda!
I mean, seriously, Dan Abnett. Can't you keep your liberal agenda to yourself?! This is so uncivil, criticizing Trumpers right here in a comic book that should be free of politics! How am I, an ultra-liberal tool of communism, supposed to enjoy a book that skewers racist, misogynistic, anti-sea-life bastards?! Oh wait! I just realized what I typed! This is terrific! For a second there, I thought I was a white male conservative who gets super defensive whenever somebody points out that our country is being dismantled by white male conservatives and then writes posts on Facebook like "Both sides aren't being very civil! Stop attacking people that I identify with and pointing out that maybe some of my thoughts and ideas are problematic and gross! Jerks!"
In the end, Aquaman realizes that people only respond to propaganda and mind control so he teaches Jabberjaw's band, The Neptunes, to use aqua-telepathy to brainwash the masses into being cool to each other. Wait a second. Is that a good message? Is Dan Abnett's message actually the opposite of what I thought?! Is he a conservative criticizing the entertainment industry for espousing liberal views to make the world a better place?! I'm confused!
I wish this story had just been about a shark fucking the ladies.
There's a Captain Caveman story in the end that points out how punching Nazis goes way back. Way, way, way back. So far way back that we just have to accept that Nazis need to be punched. You can't spend your life not punching Nazis?! I mean, what can you do?! It's right there in a comic book!
Rating: I think this book was so liberal that every conservative who read it immediately began boycotting DC comic books and burned their Action Comics #1 to own the libtards. Although, was it too liberal? I mean, the plot revolves around a racist Ocean Master who is obviously a stand-in for racist conservative Americans. But then his whole anti-sea-life mission is being financed by a liberal, anti-human agenda! The fucking liberals are behind it all to make white males look bad! And in the end, the only way to get the liberal message across to the world is to sink it into their brains with telepathic pop songs, essentially brainwashing them into compliance! I think this is one of those "both-sides-ism" things! Poor Jabberjaw being exploited by Dan Abnett for his confusing political agenda!
* * * * * * * * * *
Black Lightning Loves Hong Kong Phooey #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Hill, Parker, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, Kolins, Cox, and Avina
I can't explain what it was because I was seven but I fell in love with Scatman Crothers. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted him to be my father and my best friend. It was partially due to my weird childhood fetishization of old men. Going in Style was one of my all time favorite movies. I loved anything with Art Carney in it. I adored George Burns. I thought of my first grade speech therapy teacher, an old man, as my best friend. I used to bother my old male neighbor to go on walks around the block with me. And when I realized Scatman Crothers was a person that existed when I first saw Scavenger Hunt, it was love at first sight. Not romantic love, of course! I wasn't sexual yet! Jesus! Stop sexualizing seven year olds, you gross perv!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I loved Scatman Crothers (and Art Carney! But he has nothing to do with this so forget about him now!). I also loved Hong Kong Phooey. Those of you familiar with Hong Kong Phooey know where this is going. See, he was voiced by Scatman Crothers. Maybe that's why I fell in love with him. Maybe I subconsciously recognized the voice. I'm not sure when I learned Scatman gave voice to Phooey (it's not like it's hard to figure out. It's not like Scatman put on a different cartoon voice for the gig!) but I'm sure I met the realization with a heart-eyed, "Ohhhhhh!"
I also really loved Roddy McDowall. He was right around fifty at the time my old man fetish was developing, so he probably fits. He also played that aging horror host in Fright Night which played into the whole weird obsession I had. But this doesn't fit into the narrative I'm developing either. I only brought it up because I loved him so much! He was also in Scavenger Hunt. Maybe I just loved everybody in that movie because I had a bit of a thing for Richard Mulligan too.
If you're a young person, you just had to Google about ten different people and movies.
Um, anyway, what I'm trying to say is DC Comics picked the line-up of Hanna-Barbera cartoon tie-ins this month directly out of my brain. Dynomutt and Blue Falcon, Jabberjaw and the Neptunes, and Hong Kong Phooey were three of my favorite cartoons. And Black Lightning was one of my first favorite DC comic book characters thanks to Batman and the Outsiders, one of the first comic book series I began picking up when I discovered my first local comic book shop in Santa Clara, Brian's Books. So for me, this is the team up of the millennia!
Not to toot my own horn (although it would be irresponsible and gross to toot somebody else's horn without consent (also, tooting my own horn isn't a euphemism for something gross that shouldn't be done in public (but even if it was, I just stated that I wasn't tooting my own horn (even if the point of saying "not to toot my own horn" means you're just about to toot your own horn)))) but I've now forgotten what I was going to say after all those parenthetical references. Oh, I remember the toot: I spelled "millennia" correctly on the first try!
Rating: It was underwhelming. So underwhelming that I don't even want to discuss it. But I did really enjoy one panel from the Funky Phantom back-up story!
By Hill, Parker, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, Kolins, Cox, and Avina
I can't explain what it was because I was seven but I fell in love with Scatman Crothers. I couldn't get enough of him. I wanted him to be my father and my best friend. It was partially due to my weird childhood fetishization of old men. Going in Style was one of my all time favorite movies. I loved anything with Art Carney in it. I adored George Burns. I thought of my first grade speech therapy teacher, an old man, as my best friend. I used to bother my old male neighbor to go on walks around the block with me. And when I realized Scatman Crothers was a person that existed when I first saw Scavenger Hunt, it was love at first sight. Not romantic love, of course! I wasn't sexual yet! Jesus! Stop sexualizing seven year olds, you gross perv!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I loved Scatman Crothers (and Art Carney! But he has nothing to do with this so forget about him now!). I also loved Hong Kong Phooey. Those of you familiar with Hong Kong Phooey know where this is going. See, he was voiced by Scatman Crothers. Maybe that's why I fell in love with him. Maybe I subconsciously recognized the voice. I'm not sure when I learned Scatman gave voice to Phooey (it's not like it's hard to figure out. It's not like Scatman put on a different cartoon voice for the gig!) but I'm sure I met the realization with a heart-eyed, "Ohhhhhh!"
I also really loved Roddy McDowall. He was right around fifty at the time my old man fetish was developing, so he probably fits. He also played that aging horror host in Fright Night which played into the whole weird obsession I had. But this doesn't fit into the narrative I'm developing either. I only brought it up because I loved him so much! He was also in Scavenger Hunt. Maybe I just loved everybody in that movie because I had a bit of a thing for Richard Mulligan too.
If you're a young person, you just had to Google about ten different people and movies.
Um, anyway, what I'm trying to say is DC Comics picked the line-up of Hanna-Barbera cartoon tie-ins this month directly out of my brain. Dynomutt and Blue Falcon, Jabberjaw and the Neptunes, and Hong Kong Phooey were three of my favorite cartoons. And Black Lightning was one of my first favorite DC comic book characters thanks to Batman and the Outsiders, one of the first comic book series I began picking up when I discovered my first local comic book shop in Santa Clara, Brian's Books. So for me, this is the team up of the millennia!
Not to toot my own horn (although it would be irresponsible and gross to toot somebody else's horn without consent (also, tooting my own horn isn't a euphemism for something gross that shouldn't be done in public (but even if it was, I just stated that I wasn't tooting my own horn (even if the point of saying "not to toot my own horn" means you're just about to toot your own horn)))) but I've now forgotten what I was going to say after all those parenthetical references. Oh, I remember the toot: I spelled "millennia" correctly on the first try!
Rating: It was underwhelming. So underwhelming that I don't even want to discuss it. But I did really enjoy one panel from the Funky Phantom back-up story!
Gouverneur Morris doesn't get enough love! Glad to see my favorite founding father mentioned!
* * * * * * * * * *
Flash Loves Speed Buggy #1 (May 30th, 2018)
By Lobdell, Booth, Rapmund, Irwin, Livesay, Banning, Deering, and Dalhouse
Even though I can do a lousy Speed Buggy impression, I didn't get this comic book because of my nostalgic love of the cartoon. I got it because I hate myself and realized I hadn't read a Lobdell comic in quite some time. Plus this comic has the added bonus of Brett Booth's drawings of gigantic thighs!
Before I explain how this issue begins, I want everybody to take a deep breath. You might want to sit down. Maybe have a cool glass of water handy. I don't want you to be too shocked at how this Scott Lobdell story begins. Are you prepared to read the first line of the story? No, no! Don't try to guess what it might be! You might strain yourself! Okay, are you prepared? Here it comes...
By Lobdell, Booth, Rapmund, Irwin, Livesay, Banning, Deering, and Dalhouse
Even though I can do a lousy Speed Buggy impression, I didn't get this comic book because of my nostalgic love of the cartoon. I got it because I hate myself and realized I hadn't read a Lobdell comic in quite some time. Plus this comic has the added bonus of Brett Booth's drawings of gigantic thighs!
Before I explain how this issue begins, I want everybody to take a deep breath. You might want to sit down. Maybe have a cool glass of water handy. I don't want you to be too shocked at how this Scott Lobdell story begins. Are you prepared to read the first line of the story? No, no! Don't try to guess what it might be! You might strain yourself! Okay, are you prepared? Here it comes...
I know, right!? You probably thought it was going to begin "My name is Superboy."
Just be thankful I didn't scan the picture of Wally West because it's 85% thigh. It's really disturbing. Maybe not as disturbing as the writing though.
Scott Lobdell is so terrible at writing that he doesn't realize that words in speech bubbles aren't read by other characters but are meant to indicate spoken words.
I know that the previous panel is supposed to be funny. We're supposed to laugh and think, "The Flash just said what I was thinking! How do you pronounce that?!" But really only awful comic book fans who have somehow been deluded into thinking Scott Lobdell writes decent comic books will not immediately think, "You just heard how he pronounces it, you stupid fuck. Also, how do you know there's a percentage sign in his name? Unless it's pronounced 'Kilgpercentagesignre.' In which case, we're back to the first point and you just learned how to pronounce it. You stupid fuck."
Speed Buggy shows up because his name is on the cover. What?! You need more reason than that? You did see Lobdell's name on the cover, right? You should know better if you saw Lobdell's name on the cover and you expected a coherent story that was entertaining for people who aren't concerned with remaking The Last Jedi.
Speed Buggy picks up The Flash and they drive up Kilg%re's asshole. I don't think I'm making that up. It's possible I'm reading too much into the story. I'd know for sure if it wasn't for Brett Booth's terrible panel layouts, his flaming raccoon turd art (that probably reads as "kinetic" for the people who enjoy this shit and who are also developmentally arrested at age twelve), and the incomprehensibility of Scott Lobdell's "I don't give a fuck about this story as long as I get paid, bitches!" storytelling ability.
Inside Kilg%re's colon, Speed Buggy and Wally West encounter the Speed Force. Luckily the Speed Force is such nonsensical bullshit that it should be right up Lobdell's plot alley.
Speed Buggy and The Flash defeat Kilg%re by saying a bunch of scientific words. It doesn't really matter because, according to Brett Booth's seizure inducing visuals, I almost died reading it. But I'm back in my chair and my head is bandaged so I'm ready to keep reading. I don't dare reread the previous bit so I'm just going to have to assume that there's a reason for Wally West to be turning against Speed Buggy's driver now. I think it might have had to do with a rail of coke and an upskirt shot.
Speed Buggy shows up because his name is on the cover. What?! You need more reason than that? You did see Lobdell's name on the cover, right? You should know better if you saw Lobdell's name on the cover and you expected a coherent story that was entertaining for people who aren't concerned with remaking The Last Jedi.
Speed Buggy picks up The Flash and they drive up Kilg%re's asshole. I don't think I'm making that up. It's possible I'm reading too much into the story. I'd know for sure if it wasn't for Brett Booth's terrible panel layouts, his flaming raccoon turd art (that probably reads as "kinetic" for the people who enjoy this shit and who are also developmentally arrested at age twelve), and the incomprehensibility of Scott Lobdell's "I don't give a fuck about this story as long as I get paid, bitches!" storytelling ability.
Inside Kilg%re's colon, Speed Buggy and Wally West encounter the Speed Force. Luckily the Speed Force is such nonsensical bullshit that it should be right up Lobdell's plot alley.
Speed Buggy and The Flash defeat Kilg%re by saying a bunch of scientific words. It doesn't really matter because, according to Brett Booth's seizure inducing visuals, I almost died reading it. But I'm back in my chair and my head is bandaged so I'm ready to keep reading. I don't dare reread the previous bit so I'm just going to have to assume that there's a reason for Wally West to be turning against Speed Buggy's driver now. I think it might have had to do with a rail of coke and an upskirt shot.
There's so much terrible stuff to rant about in a Scott Lobdell story with Brett Booth art that I probably shouldn't stop to point out that these jerkos typed "well-intetioned." I probably shouldn't but I'm a terribly petty asshole.
It turns out the guy driving Speed Buggy is the smartest scientist in the world. That's one of three characters Scott Lobdell knows how to write. The other two are "teenager who wants to fuck the person he's beating up" and "sassy teenager that talks directly to the reader as he comments on his own story in an omnipresent manner." I almost said one of his characters was a baton twirling passerby who knows more about the plot than Green Arrow but that was one of Ann Nocenti's.
Doctor Veritas's male counterpart, Doctor Blanc, explains to Wally West that science can do whatever it wants so go fuck yourself, goody-two-shoes! He also calls the multiverse the "omniverse" which is Scott Lobdell's trademark. I can't help but wonder why editors never tell him to stop using that term since nobody in the DC Universe calls it the Omniverse. Unless they're in a Scott Lobdell story. You would think more continuity nerds would be up in arms about this but I guess they're all too busy writing terribly punctuated essays about how Tom King is ruining Batman.
The idiotic editors also allow Brett Booth to put more of those stupid fucking Pizza Fish advertisements into the story. What the fuck do Scott Lobdell and Brett Booth have on the editors at DC?! Why can't the editors tell them to knock off the junior high school shenanigans!? This is a professional field of artistic work, isn't it?!
I mean, I guess it isn't because Booth and Lobdell have been allowed careers in comic booking.
Rating: Look. I couldn't keep writing about this shit. Once again, Lobdell writes a terrible time travel story. Time travel stories are great for writers who don't understand how to write stories. Nobody needs any motivation because they get their motivation from somebody in the future changing things. Then the hero's only motivation is to return things to normal. It's like a shortcut to a plot. In this story, The Flash has to defeat Savitar who changed time to allow him to rule the world. But The Flash says, "Oh yeah?! Two can play at that game!" Then he and Speed Buggy change time back so that Savitar doesn't rule the world. Meanwhile, nobody else notices that anything happened.
Scott Lobdell is the worst.
Doctor Veritas's male counterpart, Doctor Blanc, explains to Wally West that science can do whatever it wants so go fuck yourself, goody-two-shoes! He also calls the multiverse the "omniverse" which is Scott Lobdell's trademark. I can't help but wonder why editors never tell him to stop using that term since nobody in the DC Universe calls it the Omniverse. Unless they're in a Scott Lobdell story. You would think more continuity nerds would be up in arms about this but I guess they're all too busy writing terribly punctuated essays about how Tom King is ruining Batman.
The idiotic editors also allow Brett Booth to put more of those stupid fucking Pizza Fish advertisements into the story. What the fuck do Scott Lobdell and Brett Booth have on the editors at DC?! Why can't the editors tell them to knock off the junior high school shenanigans!? This is a professional field of artistic work, isn't it?!
I mean, I guess it isn't because Booth and Lobdell have been allowed careers in comic booking.
Rating: Look. I couldn't keep writing about this shit. Once again, Lobdell writes a terrible time travel story. Time travel stories are great for writers who don't understand how to write stories. Nobody needs any motivation because they get their motivation from somebody in the future changing things. Then the hero's only motivation is to return things to normal. It's like a shortcut to a plot. In this story, The Flash has to defeat Savitar who changed time to allow him to rule the world. But The Flash says, "Oh yeah?! Two can play at that game!" Then he and Speed Buggy change time back so that Savitar doesn't rule the world. Meanwhile, nobody else notices that anything happened.
Scott Lobdell is the worst.
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Letters to Me!
Letters to Me!
I Wrote (about Anonymous!): "But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique."
Anonymous Replied: "It's mind-boggling that you'd try justifying the drivel that you write, especially considering it's not as clever or witty as you like to believe."
I Wrote (about Anonymous!): Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!
Anonymous Replied: "Given the state of your writing, it's odd that you of all people would make fun of learning disabilities. Even more, your argument falls flat considering the fact that you actually are biased and conceited. The fact you let crap by Steve Orlando get a pass, a guy whose JLA comics makes Cullen Bunn's Lobo series seem like Oscar-worthy material in comparison, speaks volumes. Bunn's Lobo was mediocre at best, even if it departs further than Bennet's, but Orlando's take was horrible. And the sad part is you haven't even refuted what I had said in terms of the state of Lobo within the DCU - the character's no better than how he was when the New 52 version debuted. At least when Bennet had been writing there seemed to be potential for something interesting. Hopefully Scott Snyder will do a better job."
My Reply: I wonder if Anonymous watched a magician saw a woman in half, he'd start an argument with the guy about how the guy didn't really saw the woman in half. Then when the magician explains the trick and says, "Yeah, see, it's a trick, buddy. I didn't really expect anybody to believe I could actually saw a woman in half," Anonymous would say, "Oh, nice try, pretending you didn't really want me to believe you sawed the woman in half! Your argument that you didn't really expect me to believe it falls flat because you did the trick expecting I'd believe it!" Or something like that. Maybe I'm terrible at terrible analogies because of my learning disability.
Anyway, Anonymous's problem is that he's unwilling to step away from his initial conceit about my arrogance and bias. I just told him the trick and explained the voice I use in writing my blogs and he refuses to accept it.
Me: "I'm supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews."
Anonymous: "That argument falls flat because you're an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!"
Anonymous Writes (in response to my suggestion that Rogol Zaar reminds me of Lobo): There are plenty of characters with pale skin and skull belt buckles, even outside of comics.
My Reply:
Anonymous Replied: "It's mind-boggling that you'd try justifying the drivel that you write, especially considering it's not as clever or witty as you like to believe."
I Wrote (about Anonymous!): Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!
Anonymous Replied: "Given the state of your writing, it's odd that you of all people would make fun of learning disabilities. Even more, your argument falls flat considering the fact that you actually are biased and conceited. The fact you let crap by Steve Orlando get a pass, a guy whose JLA comics makes Cullen Bunn's Lobo series seem like Oscar-worthy material in comparison, speaks volumes. Bunn's Lobo was mediocre at best, even if it departs further than Bennet's, but Orlando's take was horrible. And the sad part is you haven't even refuted what I had said in terms of the state of Lobo within the DCU - the character's no better than how he was when the New 52 version debuted. At least when Bennet had been writing there seemed to be potential for something interesting. Hopefully Scott Snyder will do a better job."
My Reply: I wonder if Anonymous watched a magician saw a woman in half, he'd start an argument with the guy about how the guy didn't really saw the woman in half. Then when the magician explains the trick and says, "Yeah, see, it's a trick, buddy. I didn't really expect anybody to believe I could actually saw a woman in half," Anonymous would say, "Oh, nice try, pretending you didn't really want me to believe you sawed the woman in half! Your argument that you didn't really expect me to believe it falls flat because you did the trick expecting I'd believe it!" Or something like that. Maybe I'm terrible at terrible analogies because of my learning disability.
Anyway, Anonymous's problem is that he's unwilling to step away from his initial conceit about my arrogance and bias. I just told him the trick and explained the voice I use in writing my blogs and he refuses to accept it.
Me: "I'm supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews."
Anonymous: "That argument falls flat because you're an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews!"
Anonymous Writes (in response to my suggestion that Rogol Zaar reminds me of Lobo): There are plenty of characters with pale skin and skull belt buckles, even outside of comics.
My Reply:
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And that's all I have time for! I mean, that's all the time I want to spend on this thing! Later, jerkos!
