Friday, March 15, 2024

Justice League America #81 (October 1993)


I'm not an artist and even I can tell The Ray's right foot has been ripped from his body.

There's just no way The Ray's right foot can be in that position and still be attached to his leg. Unless, of course, you're an artist who tends to draw overly long legs. That would mean The Ray's knee is much further from his crotch than normal and could bend down to place his foot into that position. I don't know why I'm being so critical of this cover that shows two men scissoring. I should just sit back and enjoy it.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman somehow keeping her shit together even though her leg has grown inordinately long.


I don't know. Is that too long? It's not like I'm an anatomy expert.

I looked up how long a person's leg should be according to their overall height and it seems to be 50% of their height is leg. So measuring Wonder Woman's leg from the heel (and not the toe, perspective adding a full actually drawn foot of height) to the top of her leg, her leg is equal to 150% of her upper body. Way too long! Even if I measure from her heal to her vagina, her leg becomes equal to her vagina to the top of her hair. Closer but, I mean, she's got a ton of hair! But maybe that's how Kevin West measured her? Although taking measurements is work. Just drawing a dynamic lady that feels right and looks hot is way easier and, according to readers in the '90s, apparently exactly what they wanted.

Some people might find it strange that I nailed every single way Kevin West's art was going to be wonky after simply seeing Wonder Woman's face on the cover of the last issue. I suspect those people are nowhere near old enough to remember when this art style swept comic book shops across America. Comic books fans were pulling their dicks out on the carpeted floor over Gen-13 covers and Mary Jane bending over on the cover of Spider-man (with her way too long legs, tiny waist, huge fucking rack, and 13-year old girl face. Fucking comic book nerds. You can't trust them and, trust me, a comic book nerd, I should know).

Captain Atom, standing in the super sweet '90s Image style pose that says either, "I'm falling forward because I have inner ear issues," or "My balls are so fucking sweaty it's beginning to chafe," assures Wonder Woman that he is dead serious about beating the shit out of her to send some space refugees asking for political asylum back where they came from. He totally gets America in 2024.


After describing the pose, I figured you might be interested in seeing it. It's the pose that fooled everybody into calling this style "dynamic."

Because Captain Atom is covered head to toe in shiny, radioactive metal, he gets to be drawn with the 13-year-old girl look. What I noticed last issue, although the women are drawn super clear skinned as they continue to be in this style, the men have yet to be drawn full of lines and a huge fish mouth. The lines show they're masculine and have done loads of yard work and other outside stuff (like, um, doing oil changes in the driveway? What do guys do when they go outside? Aside from catcalling women?). I think the fish is simply because the artists only know how to draw the big pouty lips of a woman and to differentiate between a woman's mouth and a man's mouth, they wind up just flattening out the mouth and making it too wide. Perhaps it's also because men aren't supposed to smile. Smiling is feminine and might get you called gay by a guy who will absolutely smile after he calls you gay while high-fiving all the other guys who suddenly know how to smile.

I don't like bad mouthing my gender but they make it so fucking easy and also I kind of do like bad mouthing my gender after all the fucking shit they gave me in the boys locker room in junior high when I was fat. Assholes. Trying to be as male as possible when you're male is the biggest mental health disorder in America. Calm down, dudes. You'd probably really love Sailor Moon if you gave it a chance! Especially that one where Venus is upset that the Witches aren't trying to take her pure heart and she's all, "Why won't they take it?" And Artemis is all, "Probably because of that thing you do with your electric toothbrush." And Venus is all, *boots Artemis to the moon.* But then when the witch finally does take her heart, instead of collapsing, Venus grabs it and goes running around like fucking Gollum with his Goddamned precious. It's so fucking adorable and it's one of those episodes that explains why none of the scouts are my favorite. They all have such adorable and entertaining moments throughout the series that I could never pick a favorite planet baby.


This is the 3rd scan from the 1st page. I have nothing to say about it except I love her.

That face Wonder Woman is making isn't because Guy Gardner just said, "I'd love to trowel your back garden, babe!", it's because Captain Atom, working for the government, thinks he's in the right. He might be because we don't really know much about Blake and Corbett except that their names are Blake and Corbett and they're kind of indistinguishable from each other. But Captain Atom won't win the "I'm right" argument if his only evidence is that he's with the government. He'd be better off arguing, "I'm in the right because my friends Deathkiller, Gunpistol, and Murderbang's weapons say I am, Wonder Bitch!" Okay, okay. He just lost the argument again by calling Diana "Wonder Bitch." Man, he can't catch a break, this guy.

Apparently Deathkiller, Gunpistol, and Murderbang aren't threatening enough to scare Wonder Woman away, probably because all of their arguments are bullets and Wonder Woman deflects bullets the way I eat Oreos. That analogy makes sense if you've ever seen me eat Oreos.


What this group looks like is my dream orgy.

I love to insult Kevin West's art as much as I can because I'm a hateful prick but even I have to admit he gives great hair on Diana.

Wonder Woman says she doesn't want to fight but will to defend the political space refugees so it's Atom's call if they're going to fight. And Captain Atom, not willing to take responsibility, is all, "So you're not giving them up? Then you've made my call for me!" Then he says his famous battle cry: "Let's get hot." He doesn't even use an exclamation point because that would be seen as emotional and Captain Atom is a man and men don't get emotional except that they do all the fucking time but their main emotion is rage and men don't think that counts as an emotion. That's just being a tough guy! Crying is what makes a person emotional. Pee-yuke! Who would ever cry?! Except maybe if they watched Pig and then welcome to snotty time weepsville, Mr. Macho!

The fight breaks out and immediately everybody uses the worst tactics possible.


Look at this mess! Only one person doing the right thing!

Wonder Woman's the only fighter using her strengths to her advantage. She's super strong and agile so close in and start punching. She's punching a normal human being so Gunpistol's skull has just been exploded but that'll win her the fight. Guy Gardner should be projecting his bubble around Deathkill, I mean Cinder, instead of going on the defensive. Enclose her and she's done! I guess Cinder is doing what she should be doing. Her only really poor tactic is choosing to battle somebody with a power ring. Maxima has mind powers and the ability to manipulate metal which I assume that gun is made of (could be plastic but I doubt it) and she chooses to grapple with him? Deathpistol and Murderbang should have already fired off some shots instead of losing advantage by not shooting any bullets at all while the heroes close on them. And what the fuck are Captain Atom and The Ray doing? I guess they're desperate to get the scissoring going because these two idiots have super powerful long range blasts!

Booster Gold tries to enter the fray and Captain Atom finally remembers he can blast things and does. Booster Gold's suit short circuits, trapping him in Ted Kord's hideous looking death trap.

Guy Gardner decides to sexually harass Cinder instead of defeating her and he pays the price when she uses her suit's "sonics" option. Some other options: cannon, beams, small arms. The military is so imaginative.


"IKEA"? How cute. He must be thinking about Tora.

According to Dan Vado, Guy Gardner can't stop lewdly asking women to fuck him and he's also dying to kill somebody. It's weird because those really weren't attributes of Guy before this. Were they? Pretty sure he loved threatening to beat the shit out of people but he wasn't constantly drooling over killing somebody. And, sure, he's dropped a line or two that could get him in trouble with Human Resources, if the JLA had any. But every line he's said to a woman since Dan Vado has taken over has essentially been, "Let's go fuck, babe."

Gunpistol's actual name is Crater and Murderbang's actual name is, um, Zach? Apparently Crater wasn't too hurt by Wonder Woman and also Wonder Woman ran away from him after punching him. And Maxima ran away from Zach after grappling with him. Because the next time they're all in a scene together, this is happening:


Yeah but why are they incoming? Why did they outgo earlier when they were already incomed?

Captain Atom defeats The Ray while Cinder defeats Guy Gardner. So it's hilarious that Wonder Woman criticizes Atom's team by saying, "They don't operate very well as a team. Our group could learn from their bad example." If your group can't learn from its own bad example, they're never gonna learn, Diana. And immediately after this happens, Maxima flies off on her own to stop Zach and Cinder and winds up blasted into unconsciousness by Captain Atom. Maybe Diana was just helping Maxima to learn.

Blake and Corbett set the self-destruct sequence on Blake and Corbett's ship. Blake and Corbett then try hoofing it across the snow while their ship explodes all over Zach.


See? 13-year-old girl face.

I guess escaping out the service hatch after you've set the self-destruct is an old military trick because that panel was right after Zach told Captain Atom, "I guess they escaped through the service hatch." There's no other evidence that Captain Atom should have panicked so quickly. But there he is. Hearing the word "service hatch" and freaking the fuck out. Maybe he just has some post traumatic stress from the military where somebody did something horrible to his "service hatch."

Captain Atom rescues every member of his team because they were all more terrible than the Justice League. I wonder if Crater is nicknamed Crater because he craters his pants every fight. And Cinder is called Cinder because she cinders her pants every fight. And Zach is called Zach because he always hides the evidence of shitting in his pants after every mission and that's the only way anybody ever gets a nickname in this squad.

I know "cindering" your pants doesn't make sense but why should I care? I just foofled my pants and I'm too distracted to make any sense right now.

The Justice League get away and Captain Atom decides to let them go. He doesn't want to have another battle with his nitwit '90s Image team.

Meanwhile somewhere in the Arctic, Tora's brother kills their father before their father can declare Tora the rightful heir. So boring.

Back at JLA Headquarters, Wonder Woman tries to make the political space refugees at home.


Why isn't Fire wearing any pants? And why is she standing like she just cindered herself?

Guy Gardner and Maxwell Lord don't think Wonder Woman should be providing asylum to these guys. But isn't political asylum a moment to make sure people are safe before learning the truth of the situation? Aren't we supposed to care about other people and give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when we know how terrible people in power can treat their subjects? These guys may be alien space murderers. But what's the harm in protecting them from the unknown threat of the space fish police while they sort that out? Seems like the right thing to do. Which is basically the name of this story: "Do the Right Thing." Catchy title, right?

Bill Clinton even gets on the act, threatening the Justice League with harsh laws that could restrain super hero activity in the United States if they don't buckle and give up Blake and Corbett. I mean Corbett and Blake. For some reason, everybody decided their names should be said that way around this issue. Max is all, "We have to give them up. It's the law!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Fuck the law. I am the law here!" Then she head bangs for three minutes straight and says something about truth trumping laws. Max does not continue to argue by singing, "But what is truth? Is truth unchanging law? We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?"

Captain Atom arrives with his noobs and Max tries to talk him out of destroying the building. While they're negotiating, the space fish police move their ship over the building. It's a very big ship. Huge. Massive. A space fish policeman once came up to me, tears streaming down his face, and he said, "Sir, you've never seen a ship this big. Just the most terrific ship." Anyways, Max sees the ship and what do you know? Massive cinder.

Justice League America #81 Rating: B+. Pretty decent space political conflict happening in this one. Nobody knows what's the right way to act in this situation. Except for Dan Vado who is going to write the ending and then everybody can decide who was right based on how Dan finishes the story. Except obviously Wonder Woman is right in this situation. Everybody is using threats and violence to get what they want. All she is doing is saying, "Calm the fuck down. Let's take a breath and see what's what." And why doesn't that happen? Because the space fish police don't want them knowing what the truth is. So they twist Bill Clinton's arm and he's all, "I don't want to get blown up. So who cares what the truth is, return those people who might be innocent victims. No skin off my back." And Captain Atom is all, "Just following orders! I could get fired if I don't kill Corbett and Blake!" And Zach, Crater, and Cinder are all, "Um, yes, sir! Ditto, sir!" And Max Lord is all, "I don't want our building ruined again so who cares if these guys are taken back to space fish prison and shot in the head? Just get them out of here!" But Wonder Woman doesn't have a personal agenda. Hell, she's not even on the side of Corbett and Blake. She's just willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and get to the bottom of the situation. Exactly what fucking asylum is for. Not that anybody would know that in 2024. They barely knew it back in 1993!

Wait! I just realized what Wonder Woman's personal agenda might be! Didn't she fuck Steve Trevor because she gave him asylum on Paradise Island when everybody else wanted to immediately cut his dick off? I mean, she at least got to fuck him because somebody gave him asylum. So she might be thinking with her pussy! It might be subconsciously but Wonder Woman's pussy is all, "Hey hey ladies!" (The ladies her pussy is talking to our her boobs.) "I'm getting all engorged here because the last time we heard the word 'asylum' this much, we ended up getting some spectacular dick all up in us! This time we got two to choose from! Or why choose, right, Ms. Flowers?" (Ms. Flowers is Diana's butthole.) So there you have it! Wonder Woman might not care about truth as much as she wants everybody to believe! She's just super horny!

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Justice League America #80 (September 1993)


Oh no! It's happening. Wonder Woman has '90s Image face!

I think I'm beginning to suspect the real reason I dropped this title and its name might be Kevin West! I'm not being insulting. I'm just expressing my taste for specific art styles. And my taste does not include overly long legs, grimacing men, clenched fists because fingers are hard to draw, scenes littered in rubble to hide feet, and women with whatever the fuck Wonder Woman's face is doing on this cover. Some of you who didn't have to look at the new comics wall in your local comic book shop in the early '90s might be asking, "What's wrong with Diana's face? That's perfectly acceptable, and possibly beautiful, art!" Yes, outside of the context of the art that was trending in the '90s, you wouldn't think twice about Wonder Woman's face on this cover. But sitting on a comic book shelf side-by-side with dozens of covers where women look exactly the fucking same as that, you'd lose your fucking mind. Which is what I did in the '90s. I fucking hated that art trend so much. Which could explain why I dropped this book just a few months after Kevin Smith took over art duties.

You might also be wondering what the fuck I'm talking about because if you weren't hyperaware of that fucking '90s woman face on Diana's puss, you could almost mistake this cover for anything out of the ordinary. But that face leads you to Diana's leg which leads you to everybody's fists which leads you to Booster's grimace which leads you to no feet (except The Ray's left foot which, if you look at it closely, you might just guess why Kevin West didn't draw any of the other nine feet that should be on this cover). If this were a non-'90s Image art style comic book (and, yes, I know the art trend happened before Image. But it was the fans getting their cocks so hard over the styles of McFarlane and his imitators that made them all think, "We are making so much money for Marvel and DC, we should own all of this shit outright!" And so Image. Based on this art trend. So '90s Image art), I wouldn't have been derailed by it and would definitely have spent three paragraphs on how Booster Gold's dick is about to be fried crispy golden.

The issue begins with two aliens, Blake and Corbett, on the lam from justice. Black and Corbett, who are named Blake and Corbett, are being chased by aliens who love to add the names "Blake" or "Corbett" to every single thing they say. I get the feeling Dan Vado lost a bet to his friends Blake and Corbett and was forced to put their names into this comic book a certain amount of times. Which he did. All on the first page.


Look at Blake and Corbett! How can I talk about anything else except that they look like clones of every male character Liefeld has ever drawn in his life?!

Maybe Dan Vado uses the names multiple times so that the reader will easily identify which alien is Blake and which alien is Corbett. Although if that was his reasoning, he might have thought to make them look slightly different from one another. I guess Corbett is the one with the flippy bangs and Blake is the one with the spiked hair. I'm actually surprised both characters have two normal eyes each. It's a lot easier to draw a face when you've got a distracting dead eye or bangs hanging over half the face so you don't have to think about the usual symmetry of faces because symmetrical faces are harder to draw than fingers or feet.

Blake and Corbett crash their ship on Earth and the fishy aliens chasing them give up for now. Being super into justice and catching criminals, they don't to accidentally break any of the local system's laws. They move off to research Earth and monitor the situation.

Elsewhere on Earth, in New York City where Blake and Corbett didn't immediately crash, a woman is giving a tour of the entire fucking city to some kids, ending in Justice League America headquarters.


I know some smart ass on the Internet will be all, "Look at all the fingers and feet on this page, you stupid piece of shit asshole!" But might I also point out Rick Burchett was doing the inking? He probably fixed all the really fucked up hands and feet.

I'd also like to point out how the woman has her arms crossed thus hiding her hands. We'll see so much of that that I'm not going to bother to scan in every scene with somebody hiding their hands in this way. The fishy alien already did it once and his hands are way easier to draw because he only has three fingers per hand. Also, I don't mean to suggest Liefeld and West and all the other couldn't draw hands and feet. Of course they could! You get people defending Liefeld bad art all the time by posting a picture where he drew feet and captioning it, "See? Feet! In your face, people who love actually good art!" My theory is that they're really just fucking lazy. Why draw feet if you don't to? Why draw fingers when a fist will do? Why learn what an actual body looks like and how it moves when you can just pretend your art is "dynamic"?

For some inexplicable reason, the Justice League have opened up a lobby to the public as an information center and a hall of fame. Currently the only notable member the League has had in recent times is Superman so he's the only guy in the hall of fame. It's a pretty lame set up.


See? This kid agrees with me.

Booster Gold and Fire, having absolutely nothing to do and apparently not having been given access to alternate, non-public ways into headquarters, wander through the lobby where they're exposed to teenagers who speak like an adult thinks teenagers speak. I don't blame Fire with getting instantly annoyed with Dan Vado's weird teen speak. But I do blame Booster Gold for being a total misogynist.


Firstly, I don't think this kid does know how women are. Secondly, I don't think Booster knows either. Thirdly, Fire never looked so '90s.

Here's a fun game! Compare Fire's face in that panel to Wonder Woman's face on the cover. What do you know! It's the same face! Now imagine that face on every comic book cover on the rack every fucking new comic book day! What are the symptoms for post traumatic stress disorder?

Oh shit. I mentioned the too long legs thing so I should probably give an example of that.


Look how fucking low her knee is! And how do both knees basically line up when one leg is bent?! Why do I suddenly hear helicopters and machine gun fire?!

Fire gives Booster some what-for about his sexist remarks until he apologizes. What a cuck! Although after he apologizes, he and Fire seem to get along a lot better. As if, maybe, taking responsibility for your words and actions, and making a heartfelt and sincere apology, can make the world a kinder, better place? Did this comic book fall through a temporal vortex from the future because from what I understand from the Comicsgater, this is woke bullshit that never would have appeared in a non-modern comic book? Where'd this agenda come from?! Treating women like individual human beings?! I'm fucking shook, man!

Booster and Fire seek out Blue Beetle who has just finished the first build of Booster's new armor. He was also apparently working on a way to get Fire's powers back but creating an accident that somehow gives a person super powers is somehow different than using math, science, and technology to build a huge suit of armor. Ted tells Fire she's out of luck and she hugs him for trying and he apparently thinks she's absolutely in love with him and wants to fuck him because she decided to hug a close friend in gratitude.


See? Kevin West isn't a bad artist at all! He totally nails Ted's "Oh my God Fire wants to touch my dick" reaction.

I'm serious! That's a really beautifully done panel. Which comes back to how I'm not trying to say Kevin West sucks at art. What I'm saying is that I can't fucking stand all of the lazy tropes that this "dynamic" '90s art style set up. It's weird how a lot of it tended to lazy art when McFarlane arguably began by cluttering up every single panel with all sorts of weird details. As a point of historical detail, I think Marc Silvestri is credited as being the old school guy who began the trend that became the '90s Image style. But I don't know for sure because I never paid much attention to the Image stuff. And I wasn't really buying Marvel where the Image style took off.

There's been a second plot happening in the background of the last few issues that I haven't discussed because it's been so boring and hack. It's about Tora heading back to her kingdom where she's the daughter of the king. He's sick and her younger brother has all but taken over the throne. But he's a dick so when Tora shows up again, her father is all, "Tora is older! She shall take the throne!" And her brother is all, "Ew! I'll show you! I'll get even!" Then he slams his wine down on a table and walks out.


He slams it down with his left hand even though he's been holding it and drinking from it with his right hand across several panels, and gesticulating angrily with his left.

Often when I'm angry and want to show my anger by slamming an object down on a nearby table, I take the time to switch hands, especially if I'm being drawn by an artist who doesn't give a fuck about a scene's continuity.

I love Ice and I know she was a member of the Justice League for a long time but this comic book is about Justice League America and it should concentrate on Justice League America members and not on some tired battle for the throne story arc. Also maybe they should concentrate a little bit on Blake and Corbett since I was forced to learn who they were earlier.

Several pages into the comic book and Dan Vado hasn't had an opportunity to make Guy look like the biggest pig on the planet.


Oh, there we go. Immediately as he appears in the comic for the first time.

The Justice League should have taken all the money they spent on that stupid, useless lobby and information center and used it to hire a Human Resources department. How the fuck does anybody let Guy remain on the team when he can't refrain from suggesting lewd things to Wonder Woman and Maxima? I've said the same about Justice League Europe when Wally couldn't go a single panel without trying to get Power Girl to suck his dick. Why do the writers of this comic book think this shit is cute? Does Vado actually hate Guy and just wants readers to hate him? Or does Vado think this is charming rebel talk, just like he thought the teenager speak earlier was off the cuff. Or chain. Or whatever. I'm not pretending to know how kids in the '90s spoke!


Yeah, he has gotten more annoying! Fucking Dan Vado.

Why is Wonder Woman getting angry at Maxima? This is like that time Ernesto was bullying me on the playground in elementary school and I called him a fucker and the teacher heard so we both got in trouble. Stand up for the right side of history, people! Stop getting angry at the people fighting back against oppression and suggestions that they want to suck somebody's dick! Also, Guy Gardner should sue Dan Vado. Is that a thing that could be possible?

Oberon has alerted the team to Black and Corbett's crashed alien ship in Alaska. The government wants the Justice League to escort them to the site and see what's up. Booster Gold, having not tested his armor yet, demands to go on the mission. Wonder Woman, being a terrible leader, agrees to let him go.

Meanwhile the space fish decide to recover Blake and Corbett through legal means by contacting the American government and simply asking that they be returned. It's hard to remember what America was like in 1993 but I'm pretty sure we still took the idea of taking in refugees seriously. So the fish aliens might not have a lot of luck with getting Blake and Corbett returned to them. Although Black and Corbett fire on the Justice League when they approach the crashed ship, so maybe it'll be an easy decision to give them to the space police fish.

Eventually the Justice League disarm Blake and Corbett and hear their story. They've escaped from a prison planet and claim to have been political prisoners. Wonder Woman is all, "Oh, then we should grant you asylum!" But then the American government is all, "No, no! We are extraditing these jerks!"


Captain Atom and his weak-ass ankle, returned from the dead or his trip to the past or wherever the hell he was, represents the American government.

Captain Atom didn't come alone. To make sure he can secure the prisoners from the Justice League, he brought along a top squad of government soldiers that are not exactly like every other group of high technology soldiers in every single '90s comic of the day.


Their names are probably Deathkiller, Gunpistol, and Murderbang.

Why do these guys look like every G.I. Joe figure that was ever sold that either didn't have a distinct personality or maybe got a name but never appeared on the cartoon?

Justice League America #80 Rating: B-. So many things are beginning to annoy me about this series. I only collected it for three more months, possibly to finish out this story line, or maybe I just wasn't as astute when I was 21. But it's nice to know that I'm still mostly the same person seeing as how I'm reading it now and thinking, "How much more of this shit am I willing to put up with?" Most of the "this shit" is simply the way Dan Vado has decided to portray Guy Gardner. If he got him so wrong, how can I trust that he understands any of the other characters that I'm not too familiar with? It's also possible that I've simply had too much Justice League over the last few years. I look forward to reading something entirely different in a week or two!

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

Justice League America #79 (Late August 1993)


"These don't look like The Extremists." "Oh, they're the NEW Extremists. They don't look so tough." "OH! They're deadly! Now I'm hooked!"

I don't know who any of these Deadly New Extremists are but historically super villain groups love to recruit one-to-one match-ups for existing super hero teams. My evidence that this is happening here is how every character is fighting one other character and also that Dreamslayer and Bloodwynd are not depicted, meaning the two magick guys are off fighting each other because that's a good match-up. Based on that huge assumption, I'm going to guess the powers and names of the New Deadly Extremists!

First off, the guy battling Guy Gardner. Guy Gardner's super power is to make constructs out of light, or light constructs. So I bet this guy makes heavy constructs out of solids! Like that big duffel bag gun he's carrying. His super name is Gym Break-in. Because breaking into something is the opposite of guarding something. And Jim is a first name like Guy but the play on words is that he works out with really heavy equipment, like the constructs he makes!

The big galoot battling Wonder Woman must be the opposite of a wonder and the opposite of a woman. Something like Mundane Man would be getting us on the right track. But let's go a little further. If he's a regular, boring, non-wondrous man, that means he's probably a chauvinistic bore. His name is probably Toxic Masculinity. Wonder Woman doesn't look tough but she's super powerful so Toxic Masculinity must be super weak since he looks so tough. That's a super power because once Wonder Woman beats his ass, he cries out how feminism has destroyed heterosexual relationships, gaining the pity of any pawns of the patriarchy standing around nearby (or sitting over their keyboards putting their credit card information into X so they can jerk off to the number of views they have on every boring post but no other engagement at all. Then they hide the Blue Checkmark so they don't like Elon's cuck).

The sexy woman about to do the Crane Kick on Maxima has to have powers opposite of Maxima's. I don't know Maxima that well but I think she can manipulate metal and blast people with her mind. This woman has a glowing knife and a bustier. Don't think I'm jumping to conclusions that half-naked sexy women are vacuous imbeciles when I say this woman is probably a vacuous imbecile. That's just the opposite of being able to blast people with thoughts. This woman has no thoughts and thus she can suck people toward her. Then she stabs them with her plastic knife because she can manipulate plastic because that's totally the opposite of metal. Her name is Suckyoubustier. She also loves anal because that's the opposite of constantly trying to suck Superman's dick.

Jay Garrick is super old and runs fast so his nemesis is super young and walks slow. She uses youthful slang and doesn't know anything about World War II. She has gorgeous hair which I'm totally in love with because that's the exact opposite of wearing a pot on your head. Her name is Strip Tease because that's the opposite of getting flashed. You might think the opposite of getting flashed is putting your clothes on really slowly but that's just because you were raised by normal parents in a mediocre educational system that never taught you to really examine how opposites work. Also don't you want to see her get naked really slowly because I can't stop thinking about it now that I thought about it.

The Ray looks like he's fighting some guy who would be named Serpent Dude or Ye Olde Robin Hood. But he's wearing shades which gets us into seeing how he's the opposite of The Ray. He's totally into darkness and being cool instead of lightness and being a huge nerd. The Ray shoots beams or "rays" of light so this guy throws blobs of plasma. His name is The Squirt. I don't know why he wears a chain across his chest. Is that part of being a cool dude?


Here we go! Just a matter of pages before all my speculation is confirmed!

Wonder Woman freaks out because she realizes the team isn't ready for this kind of fight. She just thought they were going to beat the shit out of a bunch of no-power civilians which is why she let that old fogey Jay Garrick come up with the plan. But now the team has to scatter because she doesn't want them fighting on the airstrip and destroying it. Now that's leadership! You know how rare it is for a super hero to be concerned with the property damage that will result in their huge super brawl?! Max Lord must have put stipulations into their contract with the League that each hero is responsible for any property damage they cause and liable for any injuries sustained by onlookers.

Toxic Masculinity, whose name actually turns out to be Brute, meaning I was fucking close enough to score a point on this one, attacks Wonder Woman.


Pretty sure "UUHHH EAT HUHHH!" translates into "Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

I don't know what Wonder Woman's "GAAAFFF!" translates into unless I read it backwards and then I'm fucking upset. Wonder Woman! Saying slurs backwards doesn't make them okay!

Jay Garrick battles Strip Tease whose actual name is Death Angel. That makes sense! Even though I pointed out the villains should be the opposite of the heroes, you know that includes villains who have powers which exploit the weaknesses of the hero. So Green Lantern winds up having, as an opposite, the foe Sinestro. Jay Garrick's main weakness is being old so you'd expect he'd have a hard time against a villain who was basically the angel of death. I may have missed the mark on this one but now I'm picturing the angel of death stripping slowly.


You know what? Seeing your wife young again is basically watching a strip tease to an old person. I get another point for this one!

I just realized another reason why Strip Tease would be a great nemesis for Jay Garrick! You can't run fast with a hard-on! This is why I was never good at football on downs after I'd tackled somebody.

Bloodwynd blasts the vampire off of Jay Garrick but then he's blasted into another dimension by Dreamslayer. It can't be the real Dreamslayer because the real Dreamslayer is dead. If it is the real Dreamslayer, I won't write it but I will think this: I hate you, Dan Vado.

Dreamslayer helpfully explains how he "survived" being killed by Silver Sorceress. So I guess I don't hate you, Dan Vado. I just thought maybe I did while I looked at you out of the sides of my eyes. Then after reading Dreamslayer's explanation about how he really is dead and trying to resurrect himself, I was all, "Okay, that explains everything. I now have no problem with him appearing over the airstrip and blasting Bloodwynd because he was actually dead and not really there at all. Totally makes sense."


Oh, I get it! Dreamslayer wants to marry Bloodwynd.

Dreamslayer explains how he was killed but that Silver Sorceress didn't account for life after death. Being that Bloodwynd has now been pulled into The Realm of the Dead (coincidentally it's where Bloodwynd gets his power), I'm surprised he doesn't tell Dreamslayer to shut the fuck up as he goes racing off to find Superman. Or had Superman already returned by August '93? I really didn't pay much attention to all the Reign of the Supermen shit at the time.

The Extremist Guy Gardner winds up fighting is called Gunshot which totally makes sense because he wields a gigantic vibro-axe. He talks more shit than Guy Gardner.

Maxima's rival is called Meanstreak. I guess her theme is dominatrix? She throws psychic knives while having to constantly pull up on her bustier so her boobs don't pop out. I think she's my favorite deadly New Extremist.


The guy Ray matches up with is called Cloudburst. Or Bad Weather. He needs some practice revealing his name.

I get the feeling the Deadly New Extremists have made a few mistakes in their match-ups against the Justice League. A bunch of them are using powers that help to power the Justice League members themselves. So Dreamslayer lives in the Realm of the Dead and uses its power to attack Bloodwynd whose power comes from the Realm of the Dead. Bad Weather/Cloudburst uses lightning to blast The Ray who is master of light which, if you pay close attention, is part of the word "lightning." Meanstreak uses psychic knives on a woman who has mastered psychic powers (and also manipulating metal which *gasp* knives our made out of!). Gunshot talks more shit than Guy Gardner so Guy can't get a word in meaning he can concentrate on making some light constructs that can easily defeat a guy with a terrible name and an axe. Brute is as symbolic a character you can get of the patriarchy and Wonder Woman fucking smashes that shit before seven in the morning daily. And Jay Garrick's prostate hasn't worked for years and some vampiric succubus thinks she's going to tempt him into her poison arms?! I think the deadly New Extremists might be fucked.


See? Marriage. If there's one thing I instantly recognize, it's a twink trying to fuck me. I mean somebody.

Bloodwynd rejects Dreamslayer and he takes it well, pointing out that he usually doesn't take rejection well. Normally he'd burn down the person's flat or end them if he catches them with another man or any of those other John Lennon songs about doing the most vile shit when a woman rejects you. Bloodwynd winds up back on the airstrip while Dreamslayer says, "Ta ta! See you later! Kissies!"


Except for Brute because Wonder Woman didn't need any help beating his ass.

I'd argue Wonder Woman's point about the deadly New Extremists being perfectly suited to battle each Justice League member one on one and, oh yeah, I did already! Maybe Wonder Woman would have lost if that little kid she rescued last issue hadn't run at Brute screaming, "No! No! No! No! No!" It's the only English he knew. Also Brute comes back because he needs to be put down by somebody other than Wonder Woman. Those are the rules! So Maxima takes out Brute, Jay Garrick takes out Gunshot, Wonder Woman takes out Death Angel and Meanstreak, Guy Gardner takes out nobody (although he finishes off Gunshot, I guess), and The Ray takes out Bad Weather/Cloudburst. Oh wait. How did he do that? That was against the rules!

Oh well, the deadly New Extremists were not deadly at all. Dreamslayer teleports them all away after being defeated, leaving the local warlord to face justice at the hands of Justice League America. The United States' news is all, "Justice League America are international heroes!" The rest of the world is probably all, "How soon before they begin imposing American beliefs on the rest of the world?! This is a crisis like none we've ever seen before! Maybe we should get Justice League International to put a stop to this imperialism!"

Justice League America #79 Rating: B. Just a standard, by the book bad guy team versus good guy team. Wonder Woman even takes a moment to explain how it works to readers in that panel I scanned where she's all, "The team was meant to match up to us equally!" It's such a standard trope that I went off on it at the beginning before even opening the stupid comic book! But you know what? I also enjoyed it! I guess there's a reason why this shit is such a common trope. Although I still don't know if The Ray's rival was named Cloudburst or Bad Weather.

Tuesday, March 12, 2024

Justice League America #78 (Early August 1993)


Do all women throwing cars look this sexy?

I don't believe I've ever made a woman angry enough to throw a car. Maybe I have and there just weren't any cars close enough to throw. That's probably what happened. Imagine being a man and not believing you've ever made a woman angry enough to throw a car! I probably do it on a daily basis without even trying! Definitely gonna think twice before getting into an argument with a woman in a parking garage.

The issue begins with a plane carrying food and medicine being shot down. One of the pilots says, "I'd hate to dump our load," which are some pretty good last words. They're better than the other guy's last words which are kind of racist. He's all, "Why do we even bother helping these people when the supplies we bring just get stolen by other people and relief workers are murdered because they're animals!" He doesn't say the animals bit but you can tell it was implied, being that I called him racist already. Maybe he wasn't racist but I judged him and, well, that's that. Everything he said after I looked at his smug pilot's face and bright blonde hair and thought, "Racist," can't be read any other way. I'm glad he fucking smashed his face into the side of that mountain. Good riddance!

Due to the violence on the island with the mountains now covered in pilot jelly, the United Nations has asked the Justice League for help securing the island and protecting the civilians from all the warlords trying to secure power by stealing the food and medical supplies being flown in. Guy Gardner seems upset by not only this mission but the time of the meeting, the nationality of the United Nations representative, the temporary recruitment of Jay Garrick, Beetle working on a new suit for Booster, doing the military's job for them, and just about every other thing mentioned in any panel for the first few pages. It seems Dan Vado's version of Guy Gardner is just a whiny, contrarian piece of shit. I won't deny Guy often comes off as whiny or contrarian or a piece of shit, but he often doesn't pull off all three multiple times across only a couple of pages.

Jay Garrick gives the new League a little pep talk, mostly so he can point out he's not just old but experienced as well. That's the line I use at the club every weekend!


Good thing there weren't any cars in the conference room.

Wonder Woman, realizing that the main thing any old man wants is to still feel useful, allows Jay Garrick to come up with the plan to invade, I mean defend, the island in the Indian Ocean. Shouldn't this be a job for Justice League International? I'm not sure why the American version of the team, the one with "America" in the name, probably because they're supposed to be defending America, was pulled for this mission. No wait, I am sure why. Even down a bunch of members, they're more powerful than the European group.

Speaking of being down a few members, readers already knew the team was down Superman, Fire, and Booster Gold. But it seems Black Condor and Agent Liberty have skedaddled as well. That makes sense because neither one belonged on the team. Black Condor didn't want to be a hero and Agent Liberty was a murderer who thought he was a good guy with a gun.

Jay's plan is to split the League into two groups. Blue team consists of Wonder Woman, Guy Gardner, and The Ray. Their mission is to destroy all of the warlords' fighter jets and missile sites. Red Team consists of Maxima, Bloodwynd, and Jay Garrick. Their mission is to secure the airport. That's the extent of his plan. See how simple the plan was? Exactly the type of job you give to the old man to feel useful. Plus the opponents are mostly young men forced to fight for the local warlords, so they surrender quickly when they realize they're outmatched by all the heroes. Finally, an easy win for the Justice League!


At least until the final page.

Justice League America #78 Rating: C-. This issue (which felt like a rejected Suicide Squad script) was 1/2 prologue leading up to the last page encounter with the real villains, The New Extremists, and 1/2 portraying Guy Gardner as a murderous, violent asshole. At one point while fighting basically young men who almost certainly were forced into fighting for the local warlord, Guy says, "If I don't kill something soon, I'm going to die of boredom." Has killing ever been an aspect of Guy's personality? I don't think he would have been chosen as a Green Lantern with murder in his heart. Sure, he loves to rough people up to prove how masculine he is. But craving killing something? Was Dan Vado's portrayal of Guy Gardner the reason I quickly dropped this book after he became the writer? The final issue I own is Part One of a multi-part story about Guy Gardner which speaks to how uninterested I was in Dan Vado shitting all over Guy. I get that writers often have different takes on various characters but isn't keeping them somewhat recognizable the job of the editors? That's my main complaint. My minor squabble is that Maxima never really overdrove anywhere! She just smashed a jeep or two and was all, "Boy, that Jay Garrick is a pretty good warrior for an old as fuck old guy."

Monday, March 11, 2024

Justice League America #77 (Late July 1993)


Gross.

Whenever a plot seems to be an allegory about disease and the wasting away of the flesh, why is my go-to belief that it's about AIDS? Why not cancer? It's easy to think that being sexually transmitted, it becomes a more versatile disease for a fictional allegory. Cancer is random and stupid but you can't get it from sitting on public toilet seat. I mean from kissing a stranger. I mean from blood-to-blood contact with somebody you met in a park, or a loved one, or a transfusion from a health care system that didn't take AIDS nearly as seriously as they should have because we had an asshole president and his mean-dick-sucking wife who refused to treat AIDS as a national epidemic and instead viewed it as a consequence of living a gay lifestyle. That's a lot more meat for your allegory than "Well, I was diagnosed with cancer like almost everybody in the world will eventually be as well if they live long enough." Then again, I suppose it depends on the point of your allegory. Many cancers can be traced back to government blowing up atomic bombs right in our own backyard or not giving a shit and allowing corporations to do whatever the fuck they want with whatever chemicals they wanted. So cancer could be a good allegory for getting fucked by the system while AIDS is a good allegory for getting fucked by your social connections. But the main reason I find I can't stop comparing all of the plots about diseases to AIDS is that I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area in the '70s and '80s and saw how it ravaged our friends, neighbors, and loved ones, especially early on when nobody really took it too seriously in parts of the country that didn't have such a large gay population. It's probably in my top five things that terrified the fuck out of me while still young, scarring and reshaping what would become my adult brain. AIDS haunted me because it was so mysterious for so long. For things that terrified me as a youngster, it was right up there with Killer Bees invading California from South and Central America and shining a flashlight into the sky while standing in my driveway late at night. My understanding of light at the time was that it kept going forever and it traveled so fast (practically instantaneously) that I was obviously signaling to alien beings that I was extant and that I was delicious.

Now that I think about it, was me shining a flashlight into the sky to provoke aliens my areligious version of praying to God?

When we last left Martian Manhunter, he was filled with men: The Atom, The Ray, Rott, Weapons Master, and the mysterious Bloodwynd. Your first thought was probably, "You can't fit that many penises in so few orifices." My first response is "Maybe you haven't tried" and my second response is "J'onn is a shapeshifter, buddy. He'll make as many orifices as needed." Upon arriving inside J'onn, everybody was met by Rott, the disease allegory.


Simon Bisley was banned from working with DC for years because he drew one penis on one Lobo arm and Rick Burchett was allowed to keep working after this disgusting panel?!

This dude invited The Ray into his penis mushroom playground and then immediately began kicking his ass. Imagine being invited to a party and then being threatened by the host because you were expecting to have a good time rather than being assaulted upon walking in the front door. Also the party smelled like moldy taint. Also the previous guests were all strapped into weird sexual torture devices. I don't have to imagine that because, remember, I grew up in the Bay Area!

Rott threatens to snap The Ray's spine into "so many pieces they can't be counted." He sounds like God talking about Abraham's sperm. Also, why would ask for The Ray because The Ray can help him escape only to threaten to kill The Ray once he got there? Is this part of the HIV allegory? How HIV attacks the immune system because it thinks it's helping or something? I'm not a doctor! I don't know how HIV and AIDS work! I'm just a kid who grew up terrified that I was going to die! I'm still that kid! At least I finally lost my fear of Killer Bees invading in my 40s because, well, they seem to have settled nicely in Texas and mostly had their aggression bred out of them by mating with American bees. Damn, talk about a xenophobic allegory! Our country is being invaded by Africans who are going to mate with our women and have aggressive criminal babies! It's basically one of the main plotlines in The X-files. Was everything we were taught to fear growing up just xenophobic allegories that othered minorities? That was a rhetorical question, meaning it doesn't need to be answered meaning we already know the answer meaning yes, yes that was everything we were taught in the '80s.


Oh shit! Being an aggressive, violent twat was all part of his plan!

This is why I never get into fights with aggressive men who obviously want to fight me because I'm so awesome. I won't fall for their plan of taking my power after I punch them in the face! I see through your shifty shenanigans, you asshole bumping into everybody at the club!

I just realized Rott is shaped like a Masters of the Universe action figure. Also, his crotch cries for freedom. That's why he would have been called "Freedom Crotch" in the He-man cartoon.

Using The Ray's power, Rott bursts out of J'onn's chest. I was going to add a comparative simile to that statement but it would have either been "like a chest burster" which is pretty fucking redundant or it would have been the most disgusting, over-detailed comparison to male ejaculation. That one didn't seem like the proper choice not because it would have been gross but because I know dicks aren't located on chests. So I chose not to add a simile and just ramble about the choice of not choosing instead.


Artist's rendition of me and my ejaculate.

The first thing Rott does after gaining freedom is assume Booster Gold is going to send him back into the gem and punches him in the face. I've made terrible assumptions in my life but I don't think I've ever walked into a room, didn't like the look of a guy in high-waisted pants, and knocked him the fuck out because he looked threatening. Who would ever think a guy in high-waisted pants was threatening? Wait. Did Hitler wear high-waisted pants? I have no reason for asking that assumptive question but if the answer is "Yes," I might rethink how I feel about men in high-waisted pants. To be clear, I will look down on them as the genocidal lunatics they obviously are.


Beetle said he was down, J'onn, not out. Now he's also "down" in that his feelings have been hurt.

Obviously Booster knows he's not as strong as J'onn. But nobody wants to hear that, especially after they've just been knocked out by a sentient syphilitic spirochete.

Only one person ever looked at Blue Beetle and thought, "He's just DC's version of Spider-man." That one person was Dan Jurgens. Ever since Dan took over the book, Blue Beetle has been hanging upside down from lampposts, squatting on the backs of chairs, and running around hunched over. I guess Dan is one of those idiots who think spiders are bugs. I am one of those idiots who will mock a person for thinking that.

Rott rips the gem from J'onn's chest and declares he's going to use it "for power. For the dark side." Great. He's not only a living representation of an STD; he's also a Star Wars fan.

Inside the gem, The Atom finally gets free of the Stasis iPhone he was trapped within. He and The Ray ponder how they're going to escape when they find the original Bloodwynd hanging from the rafters. He explains that he can explain.


Oh no. The allegory is worse than I imagined.

This isn't an allegory about sexually transmitted diseases at all. It's an allegory about a Black man struggling with his internal, violent nature! Egads! It's like I'm reading fiction from four plus decades ago! Oh, wait. That's right. Never mind.

I understand that this story could just be one individual man wrestling with the darkness inside of him. That's always a rational possibility. But I've got a degree in literature so I've read enough literature from across centuries within the context of the times each piece was written and one thing's certain: if you're writing in the context of "Western Civilization" and you're writing about one individual's struggle with whatever, that character is always white. Because in "Western Civilization," "white" (and, ultimately, "male" and "heterosexual") is a blank and neutral canvas within to inscribe the themes of your plot. "White heterosexual males" were the only characters who could be "individuals" with internal struggles. Much of this was just unconsidered supremacy but it was also due to an understanding of context and interference from things outside the author's plot. If the main character were a woman or non-white, the plot would essentially need to deal with a whole host of outside distractions. The character no longer becomes an "individual" but a representation of a smaller group. So a woman must represent not only herself but all women in the context of the historic moment. How that character acts will be seen by the audience as the way all women would act, and thus she must shoulder a responsibility to act "appropriately." Whereas a man can just do fuck all and, if his actions are reprehensible, will be judged as just an individual jerk-off. Non-white, non-male, non-heterosexual characters are never given that kind of latitude and freedom. They can never be just a reprehensible piece of shit without a large portion of the audience thinking, "Yep. Those types are all reprehensible pieces of shit."

What I'm trying to say is that it looks bad, even in 1993, to have a Black character struggling with their inherent violent nature! Maybe that's just me and my racist reading of this text. But if my reading of this text is racist, it's only because I grew up in the context of people writing racist texts like this!

Bloodwynd tells his origin story to The Atom and The Ray.


The woke mind virus must have time traveled to 1993 because I was led to believe this kind of stuff only exists in modern comics.

It's not just Bloodwynd's violence and anger that has been captured by the gem; it's the violence and anger of all of his ancestors who kept the Blood Gem safe. Also it's the violence and evil and darkness of slave owner Jacob Whitey. I mean Whitney. Because the gem was used to murder him and capture his soul! So Rott is actually representative of the centuries of violence perpetrated on the African people stolen from their home and enslaved by white Americans. Now I'm wondering why Bloodwynd seems so ashamed of this evil and ugliness! He has a right to be angry! Maybe if he stopped trying to imprison Rott and instead incorporated him into his being to become whole (like a 1993 Black version of Hedwig), he would become balanced and more capable of restoring justice to America! Didn't we learn in Justice League Europe when the team went up against Echidna the Mother of Monsters that it's better to understand rather than suppress one's darker nature?!

What The Atom and The Ray learn is that Martian Manhunter was manipulated not by Bloodwynd all this time, but Bloodwynd's evil side, Rott. Although J'onn wasn't being a big jerk so maybe Bloodwynd tempered the control somehow. It doesn't make perfect sense but then I'm pretty sure Bloodwynd was never meant to be an actual character, just J'onn in disguise. But seeing Bloodwynd's popularity, Dan Jurgens had to rewrite the story so that an actual Bloodwynd could exist after all was said and done.

While The Atom and The Ray learn Bloodwynd's half of the story, Martian Manhunter gets the rest of the story from Rott. It turns out J'onn didn't find the gem in a cute little boutique store. But the story is still pretty close to my assumption from last issue's review. He was about to fly into space when he was distracted. Not by antiquing but by a scream from Bloodwynd. While trying to help Bloodwynd, the gem wound up on J'onn's chest and Rott took over, forcing him to infiltrate the Justice League as Bloodwynd to find a power source to help free him. And that's the story of Bloodwynd! Are we all satisfied?

I'm satisfied! It was a decent way of explaining J'onn's transformation while also keeping Bloodwynd as a real character. Now he can stop being mysterious and actually build a personality while interacting with the other members of the League. Oh, and also they all escape from the gem while trapping Rott back inside of it. And then Dan Jurgens ends the story with "So long. It's been fun!" with his signature. I guess that's it for Dan then!

Justice League America #77 Rating: B+. A bit rushed, probably due to Dan Jurgens only having two more issues left to explain Bloodwynd, but overall a solid origin story for a character that was probably never meant to be anything more than another disguise of J'onn's. It's possible Dan planned this whole thing out exactly as he wrote it but, in the end, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that a writer can write their way into and out of whatever situations they place the characters. And Dan was more than capable throughout this run. Plus you could tell he really respected Blue Beetle! Blue Beetle was probably the star of most of Dan's run, really coming through for everybody at the end of each story. He even beat Eclipso in an annual! On the other hand, Superman did practically fuck all. And everybody was worried he'd take the spotlight away from the rest of the group! I suppose he did but he did it by dying and not by saving the world singlehandedly every story. Ha ha! What a loser.

Sunday, March 10, 2024

Justice League America #76 (Early July 1993)


Not even Dan Jurgens kows what the fuck is happening on this cover.

Since Dan Jurgens was only allowed to write two more issues of Justice League America after he blew whatever was left of his wad after the Death of Superman on his Doctor Destiny story, he was required to give readers the origin of Bloodwynd. Maybe not contractually obligated but I'd argue socially obligated. You want to be seen as a responsible writer? Answer the plot questions you've littered all over your stories that were meant to intrigue readers into buying more issues to satisfy their curiosity. If you want to be Scott Lobdell, have Superman encounter a floating door in the sky and never again do anything about it at all because why not?

Scott Lobdell: "While writing, my brain was all, 'What if Superman encountered a door floating in the sky?'"
Editorial: "You mean like a throwback to an old '50s or '60s Superman story where the cover might be all, 'What family secrets lie hidden behind the Door That Floats Over Smallville?!'"
Scott Lobdell: "What? You now I've never read a comic book in my life. I just thought, 'That's be weird, right?'"
Editorial: "Yeah! Cool. So what'll be behind it?!"
Scott Lobdell: "Fuck if I know. I love it when my brain surprises me!"
Editorial: "So that'll be the next story arc? The mystery sky door?"
Scott Lobdell: "The what? What door? I think I'll have Superman invent a new kind of math next month."

I don't remember how the whole Bloodwynd thing plays out but I think readers eventually learn Bloodwynd is actually a real character that isn't just J'onn putting on blackface. Editorial, after receiving an influx of letters from fans applauding DC for their inclusion of a Black magic-based character in the Justice League ranks, probably realized that having Bloodwynd just be J'onn in disguise was going to disappoint a lot of readers. Knowing what Dan Jurgens was soon to reveal to shocked readers, they probably demanded that Dan come up with a story that allowed Bloodwynd to remain an actual character and not just a Martian minstrel show.


"And why do you still have that gem stuck in your chest? And why are my pants so high-waisted?!"

J'onn explains that he has no memory of his time as Bloodwynd and Booster, disappointed, is all, "Aww." The end! Good explanation, Dan Jurgens! My guess is that J'onn attended one of those hypnotism shows and reacted poorly when he was told to act like a chicken. Maybe the Martian word for "chicken" is "mysterious Black wizard."


J'onn is every politician when an old photo of them turns up in blackface. "Um, I have no memory of the event! Why would I do such a thing?!"

Why do you think Dan Jurgens put Booster Gold in such awful pants? Do you think Dan had begun wearing pants like that and he was all, "They are too cool! I'll show everybody how cool they are! Booster Gold will wear them because he's so cool!"

Booster Gold lists every strange power Bloodwynd ever used so that Martian Manhunter can explain them all away as being powers he already possessed. Hasn't Booster Gold been paying attention? J'onn has basically every power in the DC Universe. And those he doesn't have, his other powers can simulate easily. Another person who hasn't been paying attention: Blue Beetle!


He can't fucking remember, you asshole.

Blue Beetle, being the intense genius that readers in the letters pages continually delude themselves into believing him to be, decides that the secret to J'onn's mysterious transformation and memory loss is the jewel embedded in his chest. His evidence? "Both you and Bloodwynd wore the thing." Animal crackers! He's right! It was so obvious! How did nobody see it before?! Oh wait. I know how. Only Booster Gold has been hanging around to make that intuitive leap and he still doesn't understand why his pants look so ridiculous. No wonder Blue Beetle hangs around with Booster Gold. Anybody would seem to be a genius compared to him. Booster Gold really should reactivate Skeets permanently since that's where all of Booster Gold's knowledge resides. Skeets was Booster's iPhone before everybody in the world became braindead assholes who didn't need to know anything because the contraption embedded in their hand like the Mark of the Beast tells them whatever they need to know when they suddenly need to know it (if they even realize they need to know something they don't know).


This gonorrhea-ridden monster and his garden of fungal phalluses has been trapped insde the jewel on J'onn's chest. Weapons Master is just visiting.

Is this entire story an allegory for sexually transmitted diseases? Bloodwynd? Like something borne on the wind but in the blood. Like a virus! Sex rot! Which is fitting cause this guy's name is Rott. It must be Martian AIDS which is why all of the phallic imagery inside J'onn's chest jewel.

Rott's plan to escape his jewel-dimension prison relies on using the power of J'onn and the rest of the Justice League. Weapons Master, having accidentally discovered Rott while hopping dimensions, just wants to see the Justice League destroyed fro embarrassing him in front of his girlfriend a few issues ago. Why that plan involved J'onn rejoining the Justice League as a completely different person hasn't been revealed yet because I'm only like five pages into the comic book. But I'm sure it had something to do with Dan Jurgens figuring all of this out way after introducing Bloodwynd to the team.

Also trapped inside the extra-dimensional jewel: Bloodwynd!

Blue Beetle runs every test he can think of on the gem and learns nothing. But that doesn't stop him from making up some theories! Because that's how science works when you're the smartest guy in a room that only contains you and Booster Gold.


Hmm. I was kind of hoping Beetle's theory would be more spectacularly crazy and less mundanely obvious.

I guess having an actual genius scientist standing over your shoulder really puts a leash on how pedophile-ring-in-the-basement-of-a-pizza-restaurant unhinged the theories you're willing to vocalize are. Still, he could have come up with something insanely clever like "This gem represents Martian AIDS contracted from all the White Martian dick J'onn has been sucking!" You'd think that I wouldn't be so quick to act like AIDS is a stereotypically gay disease especially since, in this run's last year or two, I've been barraged by DC's extended run of advertisements to educated readers on the reality of AIDS!


This is one of them. See if you can spot where Past Me Photoshopped it!

I searched "AIDS" on Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea to find this advert from a Team Titans review. What I discovered was that I have pages and pages of reviews that mention "AIDS." What's wrong with me?! Do I think AIDS is a joke?! No, actually. But it's crazy how often I think a story is really just an allegory for how America handled the disease in the '80s. Especially that Benjamin Percy run on Green Arrow with the werewolves! That's the one time I think my AIDS allegory theory was actually valid.

The other half of that panel I scanned contains The Atom's response to Blue Beetle which is an actually respectable extra-dimensional scientific theory. And the only way The Atom knows to test that theory, you've probably guessed: shrink down and enter J'onn's penis! I mean his gem!

The Atom shrinks down and enters J'onn's gem while spewing the most vile innuendo I've ever read. Ray Palmer might as well have just asked J'onn to pull down his bikini briefs so he could fuck him. And as we all know, being that this is an AIDS allegory, The Atom has just contracted HIV, the virus which leads to AIDS! Playing the part of the HIV virus on the next page is Weapons Master!


Hee hee!

Being that Rott is trapped inside a gem, my guess is that they need The Ray's help to escape! That's also based on that time I looked at and scanned in the cover earlier. I may not be a scientist who knows anything about gems and refraction and alternate dimensions and pizza basement pedophile rings, but I am capable of remembering something I looked at within the past hour. I'm not a genius though so anywhere outside of that hour will wind up with diminishing returns on what I can remember. Unless I once Photoshopped Tim Drake telling Alfred that he's going to get some pussy. That's something I'll remember until the day I die.

Weapons Master arcs some kind of painful energy through the gem, forcing Martian Manhunter to finally attempt to remove it from his chest. After he does so, he begins to wither and die. Booster Gold puts the gem back on J'onn's chest instead of letting J'onn die and ending the story. That could have been a way to go too! Once J'onn has caught his breath and stop withering into nothing, Rott demands they send The Ray into the gem or they'll kill J'onn. Luckily The Ray isn't around to hear everybody's reaction to the thought that The Ray might be the Justice League's most powerful member. A whole lot of exclamations ending in interrobangs filled the room and probably a bit of snickering as well. "That dumb kid from Philly who's nothing more than a fancy flashlight?! Ha ha! Ridiculous!" But no! Not ridiculous! Remember how Oberon ran a battery of tests on The Ray a few issues ago and everybody said things like, "His power levels are off the charts!" and "He's going to blow the building if we keep pushing him!" and "I, Superman, am going to go get a latte and a croissant since nobody seems to fucking need me anymore now that you have this super powerful kid that you're all impressed by!" Which is true, I guess! It's not like Doomsday beat The Ray to death!

Oh wait. Superman was already dead by the time The Ray came along, wasn't he? That was sort of the point of hiring The Ray and Black Condor and Agent I've Got A Gun. Well, how was I supposed to remember that? It's not like I read that issue sometime within the last hour.

The Ray rightly hesitates about entering the gem, realizing that it's probably a trap. But J'onn and Beetle and Booster are all, "But RaaaaAAAAaaaaAAAAaaay is in theeeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEeeeere! You have to HELP our FRIEND!" So The Ray turns into a laser beam and enters the gem only to find himself in the clutches of Rott and the Weapons Master! Too bad they didn't send Agent Liberty. He could have, according to his view of the way the world works, used his bullets to keep this story from needing a second part.

Justice League America #76 Rating: B. I have a feeling Dan Jurgens believes this is adequate explanation for what happened to J'onn and he won't be providing too many more details. So let me surmise how this happened: J'onn quit the Justice League meaning to go on a meditative retreat across time and space. But before leaving Earth, he stopped into a small antiques dealer in Bangor, Maine, where he saw a beautiful brooch that he couldn't resist. Upon placing it on his chest, being that he's a powerful telepath, J'onn subsumed the personality of one of the people trapped inside: Bloodwynd! Lucky he didn't become Rott, I guess. Bloodwynd, realizing he now had control over J'onn's personality, decided to join the Justice League where he might meet people who could help free him from the gem. Unfortunately, before he could come up with a plan, Doctor Destiny interfered and J'onn regained control of his body. Bloodwynd, exhausted from the mental strain of controlling J'onn's body, collapsed unconscious within the gem. But his cellmate Rott had been observing everything and realized that The Ray could probably free him from the gem. Also Weapons Master wound up visiting for some reason. I guess to give the story some kind of historical continuity between the antagonists and the League.

I very much like the design of Rott and wonder why he didn't become a major Justice League villain. Probably due to all the sores erupting all of his skin. He's got the Lobo body type that probably made readers' dicks hard but all those spirochetal oozing sores is a real turn-off, man.

Friday, March 8, 2024

Justice League International #51 (June 1993)


This looks shit, mate.

I don't want to hurt Ron Randall's feelings by defecating, eating my defecation, and then vomiting it back up all over this cover because I've been absolutely satisfied with most of his work on Justice League Europe.. But this cover looks like something some pizza farting weirdo incel would back on Kickstarter after listening to 13 hours of Ethan Van Sciver YouTube rants. I know, I know. It's not that bad and it isn't chock full of half-naked women with watermelon-sized breasts or a cybernetic frog. But it does look like Ron spent about two hours on it while hopped up on Vicodin and Red Bull. The coloring is flat (which might not be his problem but that doesn't change my critique. It just shifts it over to Gene D'Angelo or somebody), the characters all posed roughly the same way (arms out, stumbling down stairs) and the grimaces have caused me to flash back to staring at the New Comics rack in my local comic books store circa the early '90s. I guess this comic was from the early '90s but reading this series didn't mean I wanted to be reminded of existing in that place and time. It just feels so amateurish. Which would be a great excuse for why this was the final Justice League Europe comic I ever bought. But I can't use that excuse. I'm sure 21 year old me would have felt this cover was exciting. My reason for dropping the series was probably way more pathetic, like the change in title, or Crimson Fox's new outfit, or I'd had all I could stand of Hal Jordan, or I was spending more and more of my comic book money on Vertigo books. I say probably because I can't remember any of the dumb shit I was thinking at 21, except maybe, "I want to fuck Lobo so hard."

Whatever the reasons, Justice League International #51 was the end of the road for me and the European crew. Hopefully the reason was that I was getting laid regularly by this point in my life and just forgot all about picking up this book, especially with the name change. I kept picking up Justice League America for about another ten months which really boggles my mind. Why one and not the other? If I were offered the opportunity to time travel right now, I just might waste it on going back and asking my younger self why he stopped picking up this title. Except that might cause some kind of catastrophic paradox where younger me would be all, "What? Oh! I just forgot about it! I'd better go get the issues I missed and keep buying it!" Then I'd return to the present with even more shitty Justice League International books added to my re-read stack. Good thing time travel doesn't exist! I just dodged that bullet and also the bullet where I'd cause a paradox by having sex with my grandmother.

This issue begins with Sue Dibny being just as adorkable as usual. That's adorable while also being a complete dork. The definition of dork is "somebody who wears a nerdy hat." The definition of adorable is "somebody who can pull off wearing a nerdy hat." You usually see the first definition all over the place at Magic the Gathering tournaments but you never, ever see the second one there.


As far as Disneyland rides go, this isn't the worst.

The worst Disneyland ride is obviously the Teacups. Pointless and vomit inducing. I'd rather fly in the tiny Dumbo cars or listen to the foreign children sing happily. As a kid of the '70s, those were your main choices, along with the dark rides like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Peter Pan, and Alice in Wonderland. That's because your parents weren't about to spend their hard earned cash on an E Ticket for you when you were probably too small to go on any roller coasters anyway. Those fucking teacups, man. How many times did I get hornswoggled into going in those when I would have been more than happy to go to Hell with Mr. Toad again.

Justice League International aren't actually in Disney if you actually thought that I was being serious for one actual minute, actually. They're in Xochimilco, Mexico, for some kind of international security summit but they seem to be mostly doing tourist stuff. Sue decided to go on the "Get Pulled Under the Water by a Bunch of Ancient Aztec Ghosts" boat ride. I like how annoyed the woman next to Sue looks. "Can't that nerd get kidnapped by ancient underwater zombies a little more quieter? I'm trying to have a romantic boat ride here!"

Ralph freaks out for a few pages wondering where Sue is before he finds a ransom letter back in the hotel room. To get Sue back, Justice League Europe must go to a specified location. That's about it. So the plan is for Justice League Europe to head into Sue's kidnapper's trap while the members of Justice League International hang back and scope out the situation. That's Maya, Tasmanian Devil, and probably Metamorpho. The location turns out to be some modern ancient pyramids full of half-naked dudes in loin cloths.


Sue's cell structure was modified to interact with her cell's structure.

Sue has lost her cute little hat and Power Girl is wearing a thermal underneath her outfit. In the jungle! Maybe it's a sign of the trauma she's experiencing from her intimate encounter with Hal Jordan. He forgot they fucked because he had amnesia when they fucked which is totally how amnesia works. So she's trying to cover up as much as possible, feeling insecure and used. Or the colorist just fucked up.

The person who kidnapped Sue claims to be Montezuma the 189th. Do you think Gerard Jones did the generational math on that? I was ready to believe it but then I looked up Montezuma II and when he ruled and it was the 16th Century! How the fuck do you get 187 more generations in about 500 years? That's fucking crazy, man. The Justice League should have smelled a rat immediately! Instead, they take him at his word that he's trying to peacefully and politically return Mexico to the Aztec people. But his guards are off sneaking about and discussing how Montezuma is actually up to no good! Ralph is the guy who solves mysteries so let's hope he's all, "Wait. The 189th Montezuma? How the fuck does that math work?!"

Little do the guards know that they're revealing all of their plans right in front of Metamorpho who was pretending to be a wall with a big dumb face on it. Rex decides that's enough sneaking about even if it puts Sue in harm's way because Montezuma the 189th's plan is to nuke Mexico City. I don't know how nuking Mexico City will bring back the old Aztec Gods but then I grew up areligious. I don't understand how any of that shit works. Aside from that none of it actually does work. Montezuma the 189th is just another deluded fool who believes faith is actually some kind of righteous attribute rather than a tool to manipulate and control.

The team begin to scour the city looking for where the nuclear bomb is hidden before it goes off. They decide it's probably been planted in a building that symbolizes the European conquest of the region and begin splitting up to search various sites that match that description. Although they forgot the site that Maya mentioned earlier out of the blue, interrupting Ralph just to point it out. I was wondering why the fuck she did that! It's like a thriller where they introduce the killer sometime in the first half of the movie but just in passing so you don't really notice him but later, when he's revealed, the writer and director can be all, "We played fair! The killer was part of the cast, see?!"


Later when they're discussing where the bomb might be, this church is just sitting there like a non-red herring in the background stinking up the narrative.


"Do you think we should have listened to that nonsense Maya and Ralph were discussing earlier? Nah! Fuck those jerks!"

Dropping clues like this was the kind of thing DC's writers did in that 12 issue Maxi-series, DC Challenge, where a new creative team took over the story after each issue and was supposed to continue the story and follow the clues left by previous writers. But they never did figure them out from month to month. I remember one clue was a number 517713 173 which flipped and turned into letters was Eli Ellis, exposing some guy as the culprit or something. The clue was so obvious that even I noticed it! Just like I noticed this church clue! So while it seems hilariously obvious, it's actually pretty good, based on how terrible DC's writers are at figuring shit out. I know nobody had to "figure out" Jones and Jacobs' clues! I was just pointing out that it reminded me of DC Challenge.

Ralph, Taz, and Maya find Sue and carry her out in her cell which they can't open because its structure is tied to her cell structure. Rex figures out the clue and tells the others that the bomb is probably hidden in the church. Wally finds it and Tasmanian Devil risks everybody's life by convincing them he knows how to deal with it when he really just guesses at defusing it. That means that in an infinite amount of parallel universes minus one (this one), the nuclear bomb blows up the Justice League and Mexico City. Good work, Justice League!

At the celebration later, Kara, who has been getting sick regularly, gets sick smelling food. So I guess she's pregnant with Hal Jordan and/or Arthur Curry's baby/babies. Everybody also learns that they have more countries to visit to let everybody across the world know Justice League International is in business. And since these Aztecs weren't really Aztecs but some highly technological gang, probably Intergang, that means the Justice League will be facing more threats all over the world. But luckily I don't have to read about those threats because this is my final issue of Justice League Europe! Yay!

Justice League International #51 Rating: C. So this is what it feels like to read a comic book story that begins and concludes in one issue. Yes, I know that it technically has more parts to this story as Intergang (or whomever) fuck with the Justice League all across the world. But in this one, they went to Mexico, Sue got kidnapped, they found her, they were threatened as a distracting ploy, they stopped the real plot, and they all had a nice dinner in celebration. That feeling, the one of reading a complete story, was not a good one. Every bit seemed too contrived or rushed. And what was with the veneer of an Aztec plot wallpapered over some plot about high-tech baddies trying to blow up Mexico City for no logical reason? Blowing up Mexico City makes sense if the Aztec plot isn't just a means to conceal the bad guys' real plan. But since they have another plan and they don't mean to take back Mexico for the Aztecs and bring back the Aztec Gods, what are they destroying Mexico City for? To rob all the banks? They don't need money if they have the means to build a whole technological Aztec pyramidal landscape and purchase a small nuclear bomb. And they're not just trying to get the Justice League to go back to Europe since that was just part of the distraction? I guess if I read the following issues, I'd come to understand Intergang's plan. Also I don't know if it's Intergang but if not, it's some other DC clone of Intergang. I understand why I never picked up Justice League International #52 now. Maybe. I've read worse issues and still picked up the next issue. So who the fuck will ever know until I can get my hands on that time machine.