Batman: Shadow of the Bat #3 (August 1992)

The Cover
Last issue I mentioned that the painted covers of this issue and the next provide us with a glimpse of Batman's body language as he ejaculates in his bat shorts. I wish Brian Stelfreeze painted a variant cover for Issue #4 depicting Alfred scrubbing out the crusty gusset of Bruce's bat underwear. I suppose that's a cover didn't previously exist up until that moment but now Dream of The Endless has to place it in my section of his Dream Library as he mutters, "Christ, another fuckin' sick piece of work by this bastard?" Sorry, Morpheus, but at least my section of dream books must be a pleasant stroll in a sunny park next to Neil Gaiman's.

The Story So Far
Supposably, Batman has killed a cop and placed in Arkham Asylum without ever being read his rights, arrested for the crime, or given a trial. That's the second biggest clue that he didn't really kill a cop. The biggest clue is that all the police standing around when Batman killed the cop didn't immediately kill Batman too. Although I'm probably wrong about that because I'm sure nobody but Gordon, Batman, and the "dead" cop were in on the plan. That plan was to get Batman on the inside of Jeremiah's new and improved Arkham Asylum so he can investigate Zsasz and find out how he's escaping every night to murder people and pose them like happy families. Also, Nightwing's probably figured it out so he's off to help. Robin, on the the other hand, just sits at home and jerks it.

The Story
The issue begins with Nightwing breaking into Arkham through the ventilation ducts. He figures Batman's been framed because he knows Batman would never kill a cop, even accidentally. If Batman could kill accidentally, Dick reasons, the whole premise of the comic book would be shot. If accidental deaths could happen while Batman's beating the shit out of thugs, he'd have to stop beating the shit out of thugs. And then what red-blooded American kid is going to give two shits about Batman? The violence is the best part!

Dick (and the less astute readers) doesn't realize that Batman has set this whole thing up to catch Zsasz escaping the asylum. He's liable to ruin Batman's whole plan by not trusting him the way Robin trusts him. Unless Robin isn't trying to free Batman not because Batman told him not to but because Robin's a lazy fuck. Plus he's got the entire mansion to himself for a bit (ignoring Alfred, of course, which Tim does, constantly).

While crawling through the ducts, Nightwing runs into an old friend.

What year did Batman lose the ability to show emotion through his mask? It seems like he's had grim-face for at least two decades now.

Batman decides to let Nightwing tag along and help instead of yelling at him and telling him to bugger off and then Dick sticking around anyway. I mean that in a good way! It's so often the other way that this is refreshing. Batman's actually accepting help! Plus he explains everything to Dick immediately. By 1992, I probably was deep in my hatred of Dick Grayson thanks to his characterization by Marv Wolfman in The Titans so I completely missed this interaction between the Dynamic Duo. Bruce treats Dick with respect and like an equal here. I'm sure this wasn't the standard portrayal of these two even in 1992 though. This is probably all Alan Grant being a superb writer who understands how the relationship between these two should be. Or I really only read Wolfman's Nightwing during this time because why would I pick up any other books starring Dick Grayson if I thought he'd act the way Wolfman made him act?!

The two break into Jeremiah's office and begin digging through his files. Batman absolutely randomly stumbles upon a file for Everard Mallitt which seems interesting while Dick Grayson triggers an alarm while poking around Arkham's computer. Batman doesn't even yell at him! He just tells him to keep searching the file that set off the alarm, a file on the architect of the new asylum, Zolly Hiram.

Nothing the staff at insane asylums love better than beating the shit out of the inmates.

I just got to the point in my Against the Day: One Line at a Time Blog where Merle Rideout is breaking Ed Addle out of Newburgh where I said the same thing as in that caption. So I should probably throw this panel up on that entry too, right?!

Coincidentally (even if Batman says later, "It can't be a coincidence!"), the two random people that Nightwing and Batman focus on in their search of Arkham's files are murdered by Zsasz that same night. If Batman and Nightwing had any sort of reason or given the slightest nod at doing detective work to explain why they searched the files of and then decided to talk to the two people Zsasz ended up murdering, I might think it wasn't a coincidence. Obviously Zsasz is clearing up loose ends. But why did Batman and Nightwing focus on those two people?! I think Norm Breyfogle lost a few pages of Alan Grant's script, shrugged, and just left them out, substituting a few more pages to replace them during the Amygdala fight near the end of the story.

Oh yeah, so after Nightwing escapes in plain view of everybody so Jeremiah and his goons all know Nightwing had broken in and maybe they might report it to the police, he escapes to go tell Robin everything's okay. But Batman is captured and sent to the punishment cells. But that isn't enough, according to Zsasz who seems to be Jeremiah's therapist. Zsasz suggests he break Batman in front of the entire asylum and then they'll all worship Jeremiah for being the guy who broke the Bat! "Break the Bat?" Jeremiah thinks and then pre-remembers Knightfall! But since Bane doesn't quite exist yet, he decides to break Batman with Amygdala who is just Bane without the luchador mask. Also without the smarts.

Big dumb oaf never stood a chance.

But then Jeremiah remembers the first part of the plan in Knightfall: tire Batman out by making him fight all the other villains! Well, he fucked it up but maybe it would work backwards? Maybe once Batman's tired from fighting Bane, he'll get his back broken by Poison Ivy and The Joker and and The Riddler and Crazy Quilt and Tweedle Dee and the Mad Hatter and Doctor Destiny and Two-Face and Scarecrow and Tweedle Dum and all the other ones.

Even in 1992, I couldn't name all of these villains. I just didn't read enough Batman!

The Ranking
Isn't it fucking crazy that this is basically the Memento version of Knightfall? Instead of the inmates breaking out of Arkham, Batman breaks in. Instead of fighting all of his villains and then finally the big muscled oaf Bane, Batman fights the big muscled oaf Amygdala before having to fight all of his villains. Did Alan Grant get a co-writer credit on Knightfall? It's no wonder I remembered this series so fondly even if I didn't remember the details. I always loved a comic or cartoon where all the heroes or villains made an appearance. So Batman being forced to fight all of his nemeses at once? I'm sure my mother cleaned a few pairs of stiffened tighty whities that month!

Yes, my mother was still doing my laundry at 20! Maybe. I might have taken it over by then because I was beginning to have sexy time relations with women and it didn't feel right to have my mother seeing the underwear of her non-virgin son! Gross!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #10 (Second Week of February 2018)

E!TACT! #10
Doomsday Clock #3, The Hellblazer #18, Suicide Squad #34, Action Comics #996, New Rules for Old Games: Chess Edition, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Doomsday Cuck #3

By Johns, Frank, and Anderson

The only people who use the word "cuck" as an insult are themselves cucks. Nobody else fucking cares about how alpha or male they are. If you think you're insulting somebody by calling them a beta cuck, you are certainly a beta cuck yourself. Or, as in my case, you find the insult hilarious. It's like when somebody that I'm pretending exists and isn't an actual example of somebody I know screams at me, "You're no good in bed!" And then I respond, "YOU'RE no good in bed!" I don't think I'm being witty. I just find the retort hilarious.

Speaking of being witty, I hate when people say, "Brevity is the soul of wit." You know what else is the soul of wit? Coming up with your own opinions! Even Shakespeare didn't write that line! He just had Polonohomo use it! I've always like the follow up line: "And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes . . . ." It makes me think of one of those inflatable tube men outside of car dealerships.

Now I want to direct a production of Hamlet played by those inflatable people.

Do you remember the first time you read Hamlet in third grade and your mind was blown that the "to be or not to be" bit was about suicide? Did you also roll your eyes and yell, "Just get on with it already!"? Did you also have to stay after school writing fifty times on the blackboard, "Suicide should not be taken lightly. It is the most important decision a person can make"? No? I didn't either.

Who would you say the Doomsday Cuck is in this story? Is it Doctor Manhattan with the tiny blue wiener whose wife was fucked by a bird guy? Or is it Rorschach who inevitably proved to be as impotent as every other Watchcuck? It definitely wasn't Owlman because he got laid. Or was he impotent too? It could have been Ozymandias who blew his load thirty-five minutes early. Maybe they were all cucks. Except the Comedian. That guy got it!

Rating: It's only the third issue so it's hard to call this series game-changing or groundbreaking or some other hyperbolic equivalent that the reviewer knows will get them quoted in some DC ad space. It's interesting enough as far as a comic book goes but it doesn't feel like I'm reading anything like the original Watchmen. Maybe my cynicism has already damned this book in my eyes being that this entire project (along with Rebirth) exists because The New 52 failed as hard as it did.

Here's a review by Polygon's Susana Polo that made me laugh: "Thirty years ago, Watchmen held up a dark mirror to the idea of the superhero. In response, the genre has thrown itself into a multi-decade love affair with the gritty anti-hero. With Doomsday Clock, Johns appears to be using the DC Universe to hold up a mirror right back at Watchmen and, in doing so, maybe even defend the genre’s aspirational, optimistic core."

That might be a good review if it was in any way based in fact. Maybe if Johns, head of DC's Creative Whatever Department, had a proven and earnest track record of getting DC to pump out aspirational and optimistic superhero content, I'd buy into it. Maybe if every other DC comic wasn't about how the people of the world had suddenly turned on the superheroes out of fear and mistrust, maybe I'd buy into this hogshit. Perhaps if DC had approached Rebirth more as a chance to return optimism to the genre as opposed to using it as an opportunity to pin the failure of The New 52 on the fans by saying, "You thought Watchmen was so great but look where it led! It led to us fucking our continuity until the baby the continuity was holding in its womb was stillborn in a puddle of blood, gore, and jizz! That's on you, you stupid fans! Now we need to pretend we didn't want to do that by writing all of this nonsense about the way we actually wanted comic books to be! You idiots!"

I might be reading more into what's been happening at DC over the last six years than is really there. Although since half of my critical rants about The New 52 were that they weren't aspirational or optimistic, I'd have to say Susana Polo is an idiot.

Here's another shitty review by Mr. Isuckatreviews over at SuckmyReviewDick.com: "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much of a page-turner this issue is. Watchmen rewards slow and close readers of each panel, but never reaches a point where readers find themselves quickly devouring its issues."

So, Mister Pepose (if that is your real name although I suspect it actually is Isuckatreviews), you think the definition of a good comic book is how quickly a person can read the issue? I agree that I could devour Doomsday Cuck #1 in about five minutes. It's also possible I could devour Watchmen #1 in five minutes. The difference is that I'd probably get the same information out of Doomsday Cuck #1 no matter how quickly or slowly I read it. Yet you agree that if you slow down and read Moore's book closely (in other words, taking your time rather than devouring it), you would get much more out of it. I think I know which book exceeds which other book. You dumb piece of shit.

IGN's Jesse Suckmyballs says: "The goal is less to tell a shocking, groundbreaking story right out of the gate than to reassure fans that the franchise is in good hands."

That seems almost the opposite of what Mr. Isuckatreviews said. Here we have a critic describing the book as boring but doing the hard work of assuring rabid Watchmen fans that DC wasn't shitting on the franchise. I mean, DC is shitting on the franchise. But what should one expect? You can't continue the action of an excellently told story that was meant to have a definite ending in any other way except by pulling down your pants and unloading all over it. Why bother trying to reassure those fans? That's something a beta cuck would do. Just take out your fucking dick and fuck Watchmen in the face. I'd much prefer reading that! Go all out in your disrespect of the source material! As long as I can tell you're having fun sodomizing the franchise, I'd be completely into it!

ComicBook's Russ Burlingame just submits a crumpled up Kleenex full of his man goo. Gross.

The Hellblazer #18

By Kadrey, Fabbri, Marzan, and Strachan

This was the ending of an uninspired story that seemed to be written just to take the piss out of San Francisco. It ends with Constantine pulling the old "say one thing to make the wicked henchman doubt and then turn on his evil boss" trick. In superhero comics and terrible CW shows, that's usually saved for ruining the relationships of the good guys. A bad guy says one thing and somebody instantly throws away years of trust with another person as they turn on them. It's a great way to create instant drama if your audience is a bunch of immature teenagers who don't really like their friends as much as they pretend they do. But it's shitty writing to think somebody would trust a stranger over their close friend. Maybe I just don't understand how terrible most people are at being friends. That being said, I guess it's more believable in the context of a paid henchman turning on his villainous boss. Not less lazy. But more believable.

Rating: This entire story line has been boring enough to put this comic book on the chopping block. Constantine is now dead to me. Let's see Constantine bluff his way out of this one!

Suicide Squad #34

By Spurrier, Pasarin, Albert, and Blond

I can't say I miss Rob Williams' writing on this comic book but if anybody can make me almost miss it, it's Si Spurrier. In the past, I don't think I've given Si as much grief as I've given other writers. But that's because he seems to be a substitute writer. I don't think he was ever given any New 52 book to call his own; he just came in when some other writer was making a serious mess of their job. It's also possible I don't really remember anything about Si Spurrier and I've conflated him with some other pinch hitter. But that's okay because I'm not writing a history of comic books; I'm writing a memoir of my bitterness and hate.

Spurrier's big idea for his shot at a Suicide Squad story was to tell the story of a member of the Suicide Squad who wasn't an A-list villain whom the reader knows won't die. In other words, he's taken Ostrander's initial vision of the book and pretended it's the best invention since battery operated vibrators. Some people might say that USB-charged vibrators are a better invention but they really lose power way too quickly. Other people might have said the best invention was sliced bread but I didn't want to confuse any French readers. They think slicing bread means cutting it lengthwise and shoving in butter and cheese. Sure, it's delicious! But it's awfully difficult to carry it around for later consumption. And what kind of a pan exists that lets you grill cheese a baguette?! What a ridiculous loaf of bread that is. It's the pencil dick of breads.

Younger readers of the Suicide Squad forget that Deadshot and Captain Boomerang and Enchantress were the epitome of D-list heroes when the original Suicide Squad began. Ostrander made them unkillable by fleshing out their characters so that readers could identify with them and grow to embrace them as favorites. Whoever was in charge of rebooting the Suicide Squad during The New 52 must have forgotten that as well. They just looked at the roster and thought, "Deadshot. Captain Boomerang. Enchantress. I guess this is supposed to be a team of popular heroes! You know who is really popular and can never die? Harley Quinn! She'll be perfect for this team!" Admittedly, the New 52 squad did kill a few of the members, like Light and Yo-yo and the guy I can never remember who came back to life but then exploded later. But since then, nobody has died in this comic book. Rick Flag came back. Captain Boomerang came back. Deadshot came back. Reverse Flash came back (although not in this book).

But that's all going to change thanks to Si Spurrier! A nobody who can unlock doors magically is going to die! Si has named this story "The Chosen One" because as a writer of the Suicide Squad, you have to choose a character whom you can kill that won't get editorial all up in your business. Although it's less likely that an editor will get in your business now that Eddie Berganza is gone.

In the end, Juan, the no-named guy, saves the day by being a big nobody. But it isn't a surprise to anybody but himself because Amanda Waller planned the whole thing. You know how some character always plans the most ridiculous stuff and it happens because they might as well be writing the entire story? Well, Amanda does that for this story. Then after Juan is all happy that he lived, Amanda feeds him to Killer Croc. Because why not?

Rating: DC puts shit writers on books they know will sell anyway because DC hates their fans. The only book they try to cultivate with decent writing talent is Batman. Every other book with popular characters gets the shaft. Why waste talent on a book that idiotic fangenders will buy simply because their favorite characters are in it? At least Justice League of America has a decent writer on it even though Ann Nocenti could be writing it and I'd still buy it because Lobo.

Oh no. Now I desperately want a Lobo comic written by Ann Nocenti.

Action Comics #996

By Jurgens, Conrad, and Nunes

DC Comics should release two different versions of their comic books each month. One should be the standard, broad audience, stupid reader bullshit that is full of interior monologue Narration Boxes by the main character. The other one should be for grandmaster comic book readers like me that leaves out the Narration Boxes. Stop ruining good stories by writing to both people whose first comic book is the nine hundred and ninety-sixth comic book that I'm reading and people who are just idiots.

If you're one of those people reading a book where Lois Lane is hiding in the back of the plane while thinking, "My name is Lois Lane," and you don't see anything wrong with it, I'm sorry I called you stupid, dumby.

How can anybody read the first two pages of this issue and not realize that it's much better without the Narration Boxes?! The two pilots speaking tell all the story you need to know (if you've read the previous issues, at least. And let's face facts about the whole "every comic book is somebody's first." If somebody's first comic book is the fourth part of a story, they deserve to be confused). Lois silently bailing out of the plane as it flies low over the treetops makes for a more dramatic moment than Lois explaining the reasons behind her actions to nobody in particular.

Rating: Am I really only reading this to get to Issue #1000 which will cost me thirty dollars so I can read a bunch of shitty Superman stories by writers whom I've probably written thousands of words of insults about? I am the dumbest human being alive.

 

New Rules for Old Games: Chess Edition!

Time to take Chess to the next level!

 

When was the last time Chess has been improved? I mean real Chess and not "play it on a computer" chess! Because then I'd have to admit that Archon was a pretty good idea. Some people might be thinking, "Grunion Guy, there's a reason Chess's rules haven't been fiddled with for however long Chess has been around. I would probably know if I were a smarter imaginary reader. But since nobody smart is probably reading this, why would Grunion Guy imagine somebody smarter than the actual reader when he pretends to know what the reader might be thinking? He'd lose readers doing that because they'd be confused!" That's a good argument, imaginary and not very smart reader! Chess might be the perfect game for some people. But for other people (like my readers!), it's boring and complicated. Well, no more! I have invented a bunch of variants that really improve the flow and excitement of the game. No more arguments over the real name of the horsey or the castle or the child diddler! With these variants, you'll hardly need to remember anything!

All Castles Variant    

In this chess variant, replace all the pieces except the kings with Castles (or Rooks, as the fancy pants liberal elites call them). Now all you have to remember is how to move two pieces! And the King is easy to remember because he's an old, slow white dude with severe memory problems and probably a lifelong battle with impotence. 

            In this variant, every time you move a rook, you have to say, "Swoooooosh!" And then if you crash into another rook, you should probably yell, "Kerbam!"

All Bishops Variant    

In this variant, replace all the pieces with bishops except for the kings. Replace the kings with a pawn from the other player. Pawns move and attack as normal except backwards. They cannot be captured although they can be blocked. The winner is the player whose pawn manages to get back to their side of the board and call social services and possibly the New York Times for a juicy exclusive.

All Horses Variant     

You probably think you already thought up this variant after reading my other two variants but that's only because the other two variants put you in the right frame of mind to come up with this variant. Plus, your variant is probably something like "Replace all the pieces with the little horseys!" But that isn't this variant at all.           

            In this variant, replace all the black pieces with horses. Replace all the white pieces with pawns. The horses attack as normal and trample a pawn to death when it lands on one. But the pawns must gang up to subdue the horses. You must have at least two pawns in one of the eight squares around a horse for a third pawn to successfully capture the horse in the standard pawn attack.

            I haven't figured out the winning conditions for this variant because it will probably always be black.

I haven't tested out any of these variants to see if they're actually feasible because you know how many extra Chess pieces you need? Like seven extra Chess Sets! I don't even own one!

Letters to Me!

Oh boy! More letters!

From the Offices of Doom Bunny:

Right after I finished reading [E!TACT #9], someone tweeted this: @JosephLumbard: Terrorism is the fight of the weak non-state actor that we condemn. War is the fight of the strong state actor that we celebrate.

My Reply: Thanks for the confirmation that other people think things that I've already thought but better and more long-windedly and with a few dick jokes thrown in! It's always nice to know somebody read something you wrote and their initial response is "Here's something better I read, dickface!" You're a jerko, Doom Bunny!

From KB's Throne Room:

KB writes: "Night Force" was another comic created by Marv Wolfman, starring Baron Winters and a cast of other paranormal types.  I never read it because, by the time that came out, even I was getting a bit tired of Marv Wolfman.  Anyway, Baron Winters' inclusion here sure smacks of a writer trying to push his favorite creations instead of using someone else's much better creations.  He's by no means the worst offender as this goes, though; I think that award goes to Chris Claremont.  No matter what comic he's working on, his old faves always show up.  When Chris Claremont was writing "Fantastic Four" like 20 years ago, whom was he having them fight?  Captain Britain's old enemies, the Technet.  Because if there's one comic that is hurting for quality villains and needs to import more, it's "Fantastic Four".

My Reply: I remember Night Force being a comic but I don't remember if I ever read it. If I did, it wasn't because it was written by Marv Wolfman (I may not have even hated Wolfman's writing yet) but because it starred monsters.

KB: About that power outage, I find that most of these poorly written scenes could be papered over by a single line of dialogue; and the fact that it doesn't get papered over tells me that the editor isn't doing his or her job.  I can forgive the writer for failing to see the flaws in what they wrote, much of the time; laying out a story is a different skill than poking holes in a story, and shifting from one mindset to the other is difficult.  But an editor should catch when he or she has to play dumb to tolerate the story being told.  In this case, the single line that fixes it should be: "A blackout???  That ... shouldn't even be possible!"  There, we've just papered over the technical impossibility of the event AS WELL AS signaled that the forces at work are beyond the ken of mankind.

Me: DC Comics would be so much better if you were editing them. They might also be better if I wasn't reading them and nitpicking the shit out of mundane plot points!

KB: Over on the "Supergirl" show, when Superman showed up at the beginning of season two, it was revealed that Superman and J'onn were on not exactly friendly terms, and it turns out it was because J'onn and the DEO were stockpiling kryptonite.  That SHOULD be grounds for a stupid fight about "why don't you trust me?  I'm Superman!" and indeed that's how most of the CW shows would handle it.  But "Supergirl", having been born under the all-seeing eye of CBS, is of better stock.  So in "Supergirl", Superman accepted and understood the need to have a backup weapon in case he went rogue ... but what he couldn't accept was that it was putting Kara at risk too.  It's still an illogical argument on Superman's part -- turns out Supergirl can beat Superman in a fight, fair and square, which makes HER the biggest threat -- but it is at least understandable that a good man would not want his loved ones jeopardized.  I bring this up because that was the one line of dialogue that turned a shitty disagreement into a much better one.

Really, the universal shitty argument fixer is this Mad Lib: "I understand your point that _______, but _______."  The other person gives you the first answer, now all you have to do is come up with a second answer.  Almost anything will do, even a non-answer like "it's still hard for me to accept".  Suddenly your argument is elevated to something that Charles Soule might find acceptable.

Me: You put a lot of thought into why things work or how to fix the things that don't which I'm trying not to take personally! But it's awfully hard not to see your responses as passive aggressive missives pointing out that I'm just a snotty brat complaining about most things and just burning down the rest! We get it! You're better than the rest of us! Especially Doom Bunny!

I bet growing up in Cleveland made you want to improve your surroundings, leading to a more optimistic and clear-headed world view. I grew up in Silicon Valley where I learned that just by existing in a specific place for twenty years, your property value can skyrocket to unheard of amounts! I think that taught me to be an apathetic monster just waiting for my mother to die so I can sell the house and blow the money on joint cream and stool softener. I wanted to blow the money on hookers and drugs but by the time my mom dies, I think I'll need that other stuff more.

A Poem

"I'd love to stay and chat some more, but I've a little business to take care of"
is a thing I've never said myself,
for I have no business to speak of,
and I have no love for chat.

If you were there, and I was too
(enervated by social obligation),
I would merely stand and say,
"I must be going, my cat's at home, and I think I need a nap."

A Poem

"One must protest all common men who might
give poison to a child. One must contest
all use of slang. One must protest all spite
engendered by protesting all unrest.
Sir. SIR, I say. One must protest the sight
of shirts untucked, unpolished shoes, and messed
up beds left long unmade. One must, despite
all threats, protest all sins left unconfessed.
One must protest against the day, the light
that shines on only some. One must attest
to those unseen long covered by the night.
One must protest all those who won't protest.
One must protest the ones who close their eyes,
Who choose to dismiss truth and feast on lies."

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #9 (First Week of February 2018)

E!TACT! #9
"Why I Hate Flag Stamps", "Wake Up, America", The Wild Storm #11, Justice League #37, Raven #1, and Letters! By Grunion Guy

Why I Hate Flag Stamps
By Grunion Guy

Fucking flag stamps are bullshit. Why the fuck do the forever stamps most commonly sold at places that aren't the stupid fucking post office have to be flags of the United Stupid States of America? [For clarification: only 40 of the 50 states are actually stupid.] I like to put stamps on envelopes willy-nilly because I can't be arsed to line the stupid things up. But when I send out billing for my business, I feel compelled to put the stupid fucking stamps on in the right direction lest some client see an upside down flag on the corner of the envelope and bust their sphincter in a fit of patriotic apoplectic rage! Why can't I get Garfield forever stamps?! Nobody would care if those were stuck on at a weird angle and they'd also remind them how much Garfield hated Mondays. Jim Davis was a genius. He had a comic strip ready to go every Monday by thinking up that classic bon mot!

I guess I'm not really angry at the stamps. I'm just tired of living in the American equivalent of Nazi Germany where everybody feels forced to display an eager and earnest sense of patriotism. Why do people think displaying loyalty and an insane fervor to one's country is a positive attribute? If you feel pride over some fact about your life that you played no part in developing, you might be a lazy moron with no aptitude at anything deemed useful. If you're most proud about having been randomly born in the United States of America, you should probably think about finding a hobby that isn't collecting clothing decorated with flags, eagles, and thick, bold print.

I blame the terrorists who flew planes into the World Trade Center for my having to deal with these knob-headed patriots. They really did make the world a worse place, those fucking bastards! I bet they were all beta cucks!

Speaking of 9/11 (or 11/9 for nearly the entire rest of the world), I'm going to reprint my essay from September 15th, 2001 because why not? Although I am going to edit it because it was written for a character at No Apologies! Press that many people stop reading after the first paragraph because of the slang. I usually call those people racists but what if I'm the racist for having tried to write in a black, urban dialect?! Holy shit! I'm going to stop thinking about that now and just stick the essay in.

Wake Up, America
By That Cavortin' Bastard

It's about time y'all are getting pissed off.

Americans are the most deluded, insulated, egotistical people on this Earth. We think our shit doesn't stink and God blesses our racist asses. We're also naïve and innocent and way too trusting. And our government uses that against us every Goddamn motherfucking day.

Y'all want to go to war over this World Trade Center thing? What the fuck makes you think we weren't already at war? Because our government hadn't declared it? Well shit. You don't think other countries have a right to declare war themselves? You think every fucking nation is run like America is and will issue some formal, political declaration to warn y'all? Well wake the fuck up.

We knew we were at war with these guys for years. Just because we aren't in a special war mindset, it doesn't mean they aren't. Just because we're happy to shop and work and live our lives ignorant of them, it doesn't mean they don't exist. And it doesn't mean they aren't going to do everything in their power to bring their war to us. And if you think our government is any better than this Osama bin Laden, you fucking need to get your head out of your ass.

Because if you're using the theory that any time we killed innocent civilians it was because of war and that made it okay then you're just looking at the world through egotistical American eyes. And you're also justifying this World Trade Center shit because these people are at war with us whether we're going to accept the gauntlet or not.

You think carpet bombing Dresden was okay because it was war? You think A-bombing the fuck out of Hiroshima was okay because it was a war? You think Operation Desert Storm was just fine and dandy because it was a war? Then you've already accepted the fact that some shit the government gets itself into makes civilian casualties okay. And your logic is leaning toward understanding and condoning what this fucker did.

Because he's at war with us, whether "he" be a country, a man, or a religion. And if you read his statements, you're going to see that we're at war with a God.

People think Pearl Harbor was the sneakiest fucked up thing another country could do. But Japan was at war and we were included and just ignoring that doesn't make it go away.

Just like now. Just ignoring terrorism isn't going to make it go away.

But retaliating by bombing the fuck out of another country just because their government is housing some terrorist is terrorism itself. How much fucking power do each of us have with our foreign policy? How many times did you meet with Congress to tell them you want to support Israel instead of Palestine? None, you say? So those people who hate our government's decisions killing you and your friends and family is fucking wrong, right? Well what the fuck makes you think the citizens under the Taliban have any say in housing terrorists?

We are all being fucking used and abused by our governments and their whims and beliefs. We fucking take it in the ass because everyone in our fucking Congress believes in an imaginary white man in the sky who is going to back us when we're in trouble. And they're getting fucked by the Taliban every motherfucking day. You think those people want to be stuck in a repressive society just so they can one day get their asses bombed by the United States of America?

You're a fucking idiot if you think killing their civilians is okay after what we just witnessed.

I lost fucking friends and family in that fucked up terrorist shit. I've got crew in New York and we're hurt hard by this. But it's fucking time for us and our government to live by our supposed Goddamned principles. If we're going to war to hunt out this bin Laden guy then we'd better lay off bombing the shit out of non-military installations and civilian locations.

And if you think we can't do that because Vietnam taught us a little something about not knowing who in-country is a friend and who is the enemy then you're just a racist dirtbag like most Americans I know. I already know what it's like to be considered the enemy and I get suspicious looks thrown my way every fucking day I live in Oakland and every fucking second I spend in The City (that's Frisco to all ya stupid hicks who'd actually call it Frisco). Since war went to the air and out of country, America has fought as if civilians were no better than the government America was trying to defeat. But knowing how my government treats me and mine like shit, lets my public schools deteriorate, lets police fuck with my crew every motherfucking day, and pisses off the rest of the world until they think I'm as much of a devil as my government, I can't help but sympathize with the civilians being fucked in the ass all over the world in every other motherfucking country we've ever gone to war with. We've been killing civilians long before Vietnam. It's just that soldiers in 'Nam came home fucked up because they knew they were killing enemies as well as friends with their own hands to protect their own lives.

If our soldiers are going to fight then fight. But don't fucking pull none of this United States terrorist shit on another motherfucking country. Because our government is the biggest terrorist of all. It thinks it rules the world by putting the fear of God in every little country that won't act nice and white and civilized. Maybe we should clean up our house before we start criticizing our neighbor's houses.

If y'all think we're going to war then you're wrong. We've been at war. Now maybe we'll acknowledge it and understand that war isn't cool when it's in your own backyard. It never seemed so bad on the Nightly News when it's happening over there. So people were dying and cities were getting destroyed and shit. America was right and God was with us, right? Well, they got Allah on their side and they also got something else y'all better think carefully on. They're willing and happy to die for the things they believe. Us Americans just want to be left alone in our little bubbles of middle class comfort. We're raised on individuality and can't understand winning anything if that individuality won't exist after mission accomplished. We ain't never had the spine for no Kamikaze shit. But our enemies always have.

Our boys better be prepared if they're heading over there. And my hearts go with 'em. Because that's the way it's got to be played. If you think thousands more foreign civilian lives lost is better than one American soldier then you better be prepared to live in continual fear of your hometown getting wiped off the map because you're thinking just like a terrorist. Because at least that soldier going into battle knew what he could be getting into by joining the military. But those civilians just want to get on with their lives.

Just like you and me and all those people in the Big Apple. We just wanted to live our lives. And I empathize with everyone in New York. But my empathy ain't tuned to just people in my country. I sympathize with all pawns living under governments out of control. Because we, as American civilians, are reaping what our government planted with its foreign policy of Western religious people first and Eastern religious people second (with the exception of Tibet and good old pacifist Buddha).

And this is where I usually let out a peace out to all y'all out there but I ain't thinking that's going to be the case. Be safe and take care and don't let racist thought and government propaganda keep you from learning the truth about the people telling you their version of it.

****************************

What I find most interesting about that article from 2001 is that it's, more or less, the same thing I'd say now. I'd probably have to throw in a lot more clarifications, extensions on some of the main points, and asides to insure the people who want to tear down everything by purposefully misunderstanding everything they read wouldn't start screaming "Islamaphobia!" in my face. But I essentially nailed down my current philosophical thoughts on 9/11 four days after the event. This is the best evidence that a writer or commenter or critic isn't simply politicizing events. If you're just saying what you think the current audience wants to hear then you're really not saying much at all. But if you speak from your heart (which is actually your brain but most people don't say "If you speak from your brain"), you're usually on the right path.

Unless you're a racist piece of garbage. Then maybe you shouldn't speak from the heart at all! Although that actually gets to my point because racist screeds aren't generally from the heart. They're words the person thinks the intended audience wants to hear. They're philosophies learned by rote and not subject to criticism or introspection. Maybe I haven't spent enough time being introspective myself but then when you're as intelligent and handsome as I am, you really don't have much to improve on.


The Wild Storm #11
By Ellis, Davis-Hunt, and Buccellato

If I weren't partially infatuated with comic book characters specifically, I would be reading far fewer comic books. Do I really need to read Justice League of America? Probably not. But Lobo! Is Suicide Squad worth purchasing even if it excites me less than the toilet paper I bring into the house? No. But Ostrander's Deadshot and Captain Boomerang and Amanda Waller! Sure, they don't actually exist anymore. But I'm a fangender! Why else would I still be reading Detective Comics? Okay, well, that one I don't read for the writing or any specific character. I'm only reading that one to get to Detective Comics #1000. That's the worst reason I'm reading any comic book (it's also the reason I'm still reading Action Comics). But if it were simply writing that caused me to shower, put on more clothes than boxers and a t-shirt, and bear witness to the horror of the malignant star of this uncaring solar system so I could get to the comic book store, I would do those things to pick up The Wild Storm.

Warren Ellis is a writer which is completely different than saying, "Warren Ellis is a comic book writer." Because comic book writers write whatever shit they can come up with every month to earn their paychecks. Ellis only writes a comic book if he has a story he wants to tell. Here's the big evidence that he's put thought into this story: it will end after 24 issues. That's a clue that he's working from an outline that almost certainly includes the general idea of the entire project and the knowledge of the ending he's working toward. Knowing these things goes a long way. And I'm willing to bet that he actually knows a lot more than just those things, like specific beats he wants to hit along the way, or character arcs throughout the series.

You know what else is a clue that he knows what he's doing? The dialogue is fresh and crisp and believable. The several plot threads make sense, revealing more story every month and creating new questions instead of relying on not answering the same question for six months straight (as opposed to some shitty writers who I've named so often that I don't really need to repeat Scott and Ann and J.T.'s surnames).

Some people are reading this series simply because they were fans of the Wildstorm Universe. They're probably enjoying this series on a level that I can't even comprehend since I know so little about it. But I did read Stormwatch and The Authority so I had to tamp down on my growing boner by the way this issue opened with The Shaman and Jenny Sparks in post-coital bliss discussing finding the other members of their soon-to-be team.

I also had inappropriate sexual feelings about this moment:

I know it's just an app so that Zealot can spy on IO but it still made me giddy.

Rating: As good as comics get, I suppose. Five stars. Two thumbs up an asshole. Three if you can fit them.


Justice League #37
By Priest, Briones, and Eltaeb

I get that every writer wants to explore the questions they want to explore. But can't some editor at DC hold a meeting where they say, "Guys. We did Watchmen thirty years ago. We don't need any more 'How would the real world react to superheroes?' stories. We're just pretending from here on out that everybody accepts them and they all buy into the conceit that good guys are good guys and they're simply to be trusted."

Priest is a pretty good writer. But I still don't want his take on society's sudden mistrust of superheroes because isn't that how we'd all act in reality? Why couldn't Priest just stick to the story of the cosplayer trying to help the Justice League by being a huge jerk? I don't think Priest needed the background of a government and its people's distrust of the heroes to write about a crazy cosplayer who believes he had the answers to make the Justice League better and instead of sending them a telegram, he begins killing people and causing the Justice League grief. That could have worked on its own. Probably.

Rating: Half of it was worth reading. All of it was worth looking at.


Raven #1
By Wolfman, Mhan, and Kindzierski

Why am I reading another Raven book by Marv Wolfman? How does he still have anything left to say about Raven?! My theory is that he just enjoys writing about Trigon the Interdimensional Galactic Rapist. It's also possible he gets a much larger than I can imagine creator royalty check each time he brings her back. Plus she's easy to write. "Everybody has a dark side they're constantly battling. But what if that dark side was literal?! And what if she had the power to feel everybody's pain while trying to suppress her own? It's just like how I'm almost certainly turned on by rape fantasies but I have to squelch them living in this prudish society that won't just let me be myself!"

I don't mean to suggest that quote was actually anything that Marv Wolfman would ever say! It was a joke and not a libelous bit of speculation that's almost certainly not spot-on! Also this is a private newsletter so if I get in trouble for saying those things, I'll find out which one of you exposed me! You're all now on my potential enemies list!

Wolfman begins the comic book by declaring, "I'm an old man! Technology seems bonkers!"

I should probably explain my captions to the other old men reading this. Let's pretend that a high tech firm that houses secret experimental robot monsters in the sub-basement could be affected by a blackout for even a few seconds before the generator turned on, the room would never go dark like in the second panel. Every single one of those computers is probably plugged into a battery back up power station. The monitors would never go off! Everybody in that room would probably just keep on trucking as they wondered, "Did fucking Bill Bosco really just turn the lights out on everybody again?"

Fucking Bill Bosco. What a klutz, amirite?

The previous was a good example of the kinds of nonsense I get annoyed with while reading comic books. Good luck writing a comic book that I can expressly enjoy since every niggling detail will fall under my Hubble-sized microscope! Which would, you know, make it not a microscope but the exact opposite. You know what? Shut the fuck up.

I once had an editor tell me, "You can't talk to your readers like that. You should respect their intelligence and treat them as friends." And I said, "Have you seen the idiots I call my friends and the way I treat them? My readers are getting off lucky!" Then I fired the editor and the editor was all, "Anyway, would you like fries with that?" And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system.

I should end all of my stories "And seven hours later, the LSD was finally out of my system." It would add a bit of cohesion to the narrative.

For those readers who aren't as flippantly smart as I am, Baron Winters explicates what I've already assumed.

Baron Winters is some guy who travels through time with Night Force solving mysteries. Night Force sounds like the name you come up with at ten years old when you and your annoying friends decide to dress all in black and patrol the neighborhood with your ninja stars strapped to your belt.

The Who's Who entry on Baron Winters is four or five paragraphs that amount to "Nobody knows anything about him. Also his cat is named Merlin." According to the Who's Who, Baron Winters never leaves his mansion in the present time and nobody knows why (part of that nobody knows anything bit). But now he's going to have to because he needs to make sure Raven stays balanced between good and evil.

Why are there so many people who think there needs to be a balance between good and evil? Is having too much good and too little evil, um, evil? If so, then wouldn't that help maintain the balance? Can't the balance be that there is only good in the world which would be totally evil (according to the balance believers) and thus it would be balanced? No? No wonder I failed Philosophy every time I took the course.

That's actually not true! I never failed a philosophy course. That's because I could never make it two weeks before I dropped the class due to all the fucking chin stroking, trench coat wearing neck beards who couldn't get enough of replying to every argument with "But what is reality?" I was often tempted to jab my pencil through one of their eyes and then scream, "But what is reality?!"

Marv Wolfman finally being honest about the last fifty years writing teenagers.

Baron Winters explains to his Merlin, his cat (or roommate or lover or business partner), that he won't intervene with predetermined events. I hold that same philosophy! Unless it's been predetermined that I intervene, in which case, I have to intervene or else I'm intervening with the predetermination that I'd intervene. It all gets a little ideologically murky at times.

The thing Baron Winters won't interfere with is Raven's death on Christmas Eve. The story starts on December 14th so I guess that means Raven will be dead in a couple of weeks. She has to die to restore balance but Baron Winters has some reservations about it. That probably means he'll need to intervene when he learns more.

Later, Raven meets the experiment that escaped from 2MorrowTek at the beginning of the issue. She's a humanoid with big eyes and no mouth or nose who can cast illusions. She'll probably become Raven's lover. Somehow.

Ranking: Look, if anybody thinks I'm going to recommend a Marv Wolfman book, they've probably yet to come down off the LSD. Although I'm still not sure why I purchased and read it. Maybe I'll know why in about seven hours.


Letters to Me!
Once again, the only letter I received was from KB. I'm going to have to start using the Anonymous asks I get on Tumblr, or maybe just answer Tumblr questions to Neil Gaiman in the way Neil probably really wants to answer them.

KB writes: You're right, Cleveland is terrible. Perhaps I should move to Aaron.

Me: Ha ha! You used Aaron instead of the clearly appropriate brother's name, Boston! You clever devil! Sorry, that's about all the room we have this week for your letter! Mostly because you talked an awful lot about wet=wipes and licking your cat's butt clean which my new editor said might "frighten the Whopper with cheese masses back to reality, whatever that is." Also I just finished Black Lightning #2 and can't discuss the shows you discussed. And even if I had watched them, I don't want to sound stupid when replying to your thorough analysis since when I watch television, I always think, "Is this good? How can it be good when it's on television? I've read enough bumper stickers in my life to know television is terrible!" Then the end credits roll and I'm usually left thinking, "Wait. What just happened?"

Oh, but congratulations on the continued weight loss! I bet the other Clevelanders are getting pretty riled up by your bettering yourself!

My 24 Hour Comic from 2012

I ran out of time in my 24 hours before I could finish inking. I have left it as it was at the end of 24 hours.

A Poem

"Like Sunday school 'round here," muttered the youth,
Having the attributes of a pickle.
(Which, knowing Pynchon, could be an uncouth
Boner joke, the vulgar's tastes to tickle.)
More likely Pynchon just wants us to grok
Chick's vinegary peevish attitude.
(But should we rule out mention of a cock,
Ignore Pynchon's go-to and seem a prude?)
When I see Pynchon mention hard and long
Objects, I think of some dark library
Where boys titter huddled in a small throng
Finding dirty jokes in Blume and Cleary.
Penis jokes abound, great ones and moaners.
Was Frost's "Birches" about gay boys' boners?