Hitman #14 (May 1997)

Best cover in DC's entire history!

Hitman #14 (May 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I just re-watched the first two episodes of Portlandia which caused me to be aware of something I had not been aware of before: I am 2 Degrees of Separation from Aubrey Plaza. In the second episode's closing credits, the guest starring names are Sam Adams and Aubrey Plaza. Sam Adams, former mayor of Portland, is my step-uncle. I once played Scattergories with him over Christmas (which he attempted to cheat at multiple times) where the letter was "L" and the category was "Type of Dance." My answer was "Lap dance" which Sam commented on with "Classy." Classy's right, bitch, because I got full points for that answer! Also calling somebody else "Classy" while making sure the word drips with derision and sarcasm is a heck of a thing coming from somebody driven from office due to a sex scandal, motherfucker!

Sorry! Sorry! I always liked Sam and I'm coming across as having not liked Sam but you didn't hear the way he said "Classy" that Christmas! It hurt my feelings! I was just playing a game to win and figured everybody was going to say "Lambada" or, um, well apparently I can only think of two dances and they're both dirty. Anyway, I got the points and you kept trying to cheat, jerko! Also my favorite member of the Adams' family was Sam's boyfriend Greg at the time so I'm a little bitter is what I'm saying.

I know Sam and Aubrey didn't actually have any scenes together but their names were right on top of each other in the closing credits so I'm gonna fucking take it! Two degrees away from Aubrey, baby!

Anyway: zombie zoo adventure. The main thing I remember about this issue is that Hacken Evil Dead's off his hand after getting bit by a zombified animal after which everybody explains to him that he wasn't going to turn into a zombie and then he has to live with his one-handed idiocy for the rest of the series. And longer since he's, like, the only one who survives. Aside from Sixpack, of course. And BAYTOR!

It happens much sooner than I expected.

In "The Final Night" story, Hacken tells a tale about how he killed a bunch of chickens and, while doing so, sang, "Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens! Kill the chickens!" So I guess that's his thing? Also, I have to wonder if he's singing it like Elmer Fudd sings "Kill da rabbit!"? I mean Hacken is a stereotypical Nimrod (in both the Biblical sense and the modern sense (thanks to Bugs using it on Elmer Fudd in the Biblical sense but mockingly)). So does that mean I should be hearing Hacken's voice as Elmer Fudd?! Is that something Garth Ennis telegraphed as best he could in this soundless medium and I didn't pick up on it until 2026? Well, better late than never! I'm definitely reading all of Hacken's lines in the voice of Elmer Fudd from now on.

So Hacken doesn't take his hand off himself; he just pleads with the others to do it. Ringo happily does it for him even though none of the others truly believe Hacken's going to turn into a zombie. And just to make sure Hacken never gets the chance to have it reattached, he blasts it into bloody paste so that it doesn't, once again but in a different way, Evil Dead him.

This massacre of penguins is probably why Lobo eventually pays a visit to The Cauldron.


Oh. And this.

It's possible Garth Ennis's entire reason for this story arc was as a troll to kill as many animals as possible to piss off animal lovers. For the old skool LOLs, I mean, and not for the new skool "we exist only to make liberals angry" crowd of chowder heads who think they've cracked free will and yet they live their entire lives offended at people getting offended. Or should I say "offended at Straw Men getting offended" because the purported people offended are usually just made up bullshit articles or one of their own satirizing what they think reality looks like which reinforces the reality of the assholes angry at the people who don't actually exist.

Speaking of stories where an animal dies, I'm going to spoil A Quiet Place: Day One right now. Not because an animal dies in it. But because it's the third zombie/alien disaster movie I've watched in fairly recent memory that involves a cat and my nerves just can't take it anymore! I don't want to feel anxious and nervous about a fictional bubby kitty while I'm watching humans snuff it in the dozens! The first time was a Spanish zombie movie where the guy takes his cat out in a backpack/carrier as he tries to escape his hometown overrun by zombies. I actually had to stop watching that one before ultimately finishing it because I was just too tense and scared for the little guy. I think he survived? I don't remember now. If he died, that's why I don't remember! I blocked it out! And then in the third season of Daryl Dixon, you get the stupid fucking jerko line, "El gato es muerto!" I sort of knew that one was coming because the people who make The Walking Dead shows are total assholes! I didn't allow myself to get attached to that cat even though I was happy to finally see a cat in that world. Then last night, I watched A Quiet Place: Day One and instantly felt queasy when Lupita appeared on screen cradling a cat. But even though I felt anxious through this one, I was pretty sure Frodo the cat was going to come out okay. Mostly because Lupita was dying of cancer so I knew she wasn't going to make it. Which meant the cat's safety was her top priority! After getting some pizza, I mean. She definitely risked it's life too many times just for that slice of pizza.

Don't read that previous paragraph and think I'm such a pussy that I can't stand to see animals die in movies! The zombies can feast on all the cute little puppies they want! I just don't want to see my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mews hurt! Also, Pig destroyed me in so many ways but I wouldn't change that movie at all! My ability to feel anything has been eroded to such a tiny nerveless nub that anytime some piece of art can make me weep like everybody I've ever loved just kicked me in the balls, I appreciate it! That'll do, Pig! That'll do.

Back to the comic book, Tommy and all his friends get bitten by a bunch of fish dumped on them by the mad scientist. I guess they didn't know for sure that they wouldn't get turned into zombies because Tommy asks the guy if they'll turn and the scientist is all, "Fucking elementary school drop outs! You're so stupid and superstitious! Getting all of your facts from George Romero! You can't become a zombie without being dead and revived by the gas! Now go outside and get eaten!" But Tommy and the others don't go outside to get eaten. The mad scientist stays inside to get eaten.

Does the shark get the money for the hit?

I understand that the shark is zombified and maybe more aggressive but if the shark can break through the glass to eat somebody now, was this aquarium ever really safe?! All it would have taken was that shark to be slightly hungry one day and have a pudgy person wearing seal-gray leather walk past the window and *WHAMMO*! Instant YouTube video sensation!

So that's the scientist dead halfway through the issue. You might think, "Well what more could there be?" But only if you forgot about all the zombie animals and also the zombie shark that's now swimming around the flooded room with Tommy, Natt, Ringo, and Hacken.

A few more pages of loads and loads of seals and penguins getting their heads blown off before the threat is mostly over. Just one more zombie left to kill.

Don't worry about how he's standing up. If you got this far in and bought into the premise, don't let this minor speed bump knock you back to reality.

After everything is dead, Ennis delivers the punchline: Tommy and Natt, feeling awful and guilty and terrible about what just happened, donate their entire pay for the assassination to Greenpeace! Ha ha! It's like a carbon offset! But with penguins and seals!

The Ranking!
So much animal murder! Delicious!

For my animal murder carbon offset for enjoying so much death of cute widdle bubby animals, here's a picture of me re-reading Koji Suzuki's most demented of books, the sequel to Ring, Spiral, with my fluffy baby skitterkin mew-mew Gravy on my lap giving me reverse-greeting headbutt love rubs.

So gross!

Hitman #13 (April 1997)

I don't know how this story arc came about but it sets up one of my favorite covers next issue.

Hitman #13 (April 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I've read Gravity's Rainbow and Infinite Jest and I know I'm never going to read Finnegan's Wake so the next "most difficult book" I picked up a few months ago was Ulysses. But then as I began to read it, I thought, "Whoa! I should bone up on The Odyssey before I read this or how will I ever understand it? I'm assuming!" So then I got The Odyssey but have yet to dive into it because I've been reading one of the "most easiest books" to read, all of John Grisham's lawyer novels. Um, no, wait! I've been reading the Dungeon Crawler Carl series. But I did see Nolan's movie version of The Odyssey yesterday so is that good enough? No, no. I know it's not! But watching Nolan's The Odyssey felt a lot like reading a John Barth novel: classical literature retold in a modern light in a confusing mix of multiple stories across multiple times told by multiple people. That's a positive review, just in case you read the word "confusing" and thought it made it a bad review. No, I like confusing because it means there's something there to work out. Although in some ways, it felt a lot like a retelling of Memento. It was about a guy who couldn't remember stuff but kept having flashbacks to a woman's face that ultimately cracked open the entire meaning of the story. Both were stories about a man who caused the death of a woman (and also another man and also a whole city full of men, women, and children for Odysseus. I think Leonard only killed a woman and then who knows how many men who aggravated him so he set them up to seem like his wife's killer so he could kill them. Maybe Leonard also kills a whole city full of men, women, and children? He certainly can't remember!) and was seeking a redemption or a remedy to his guilt. Both choose to forget because both know what they really want can never happen: the return to life of the dead. Both have flashbacks of memories that may or may not be true. Both aren't necessarily good guys. Sure, Leonard's story is more personal and all he wants is his wife back. Odysseus's story, being an ancient epic, happens on a much grander scale. He is the cause of much death and destruction. Yes, many other people set the Trojan War in motion. But he feels, being the smartest guy in the Mediterranean, that he's ultimately responsible for every lost life, starting right from the beginning when the youth have to draw lots to go to war. Leonard loses himself in forgetting and repeating his actions; Odysseus tries to lose himself in forgetting but ultimately fears he must face what he did. Leonard is all, "YOLO!", and rushes off to kill another person who irritated him. But Odysseus is all, "Whoa. I think I have a family and responsibilities! Maybe I should pull my dick out of Calypso and begin fixing the shit I broke!" Sure, fixing shit means breaking more shit and getting more men killed. But I guess it all works out when he sails west into exile? I don't know. I haven't thought about the resolution much! I was too busy thinking, "Spider-man and The Punisher are hanging out together! Ha ha! Cool!"

Although Memento didn't have that subplot (main plot? Judging by how many times they say "Zeus's Law", probably a main plot!) about imperialists and immigrants and which one was the real threatening people of the sea. Or did it? It's been a long time since I've watched Memento!

Anyway, this issue begins with a dead scientist writing a message in blood that he believes the people who find is body will understand.

Oh, sure! Monaghaz! I know that guy! Good old Jommy Monaghaz! I'll get right on the phone, dead scientist dude!

Why does this scientist know a hitman? Why does he think a hitman can save Gotham from his science experiment gone wrong? Why does this scientist think other scientists will know who the fuck Monaghaz is?! This message can't be for the cops because if the scientist knows who Monaghaz is and why he needs him, he certainly knows the cops won't call him! I would be confused but I also understand that Garth Ennis needed a quick and easy way to get Tommy on the Zombie Night at Gotham Aquarium case.

While the scientist's buddy tries to figure out who Monaghaz is, Jommy Monaghaz is busy playing ball with his buddies in an old lot in The Cauldron. You know. Like assassins love to do. If they're not drinking or smoking or murdering, they're playing two-on-two baseball in a lot full of trash. Two-on-two baseball has to be the biggest pain in the ass game to play. You have to remember where all the ghost runners are. You can only hit to center or left field. The pitcher's got to cover first and third and maybe second. I don't actually know how it works because I never tried to play that shit.

Jommy gets a call from that scientist that interrupts the game and now he has to go kill somebody. That somebody has stolen an experimental canister that contains a nerve agent that brings the recently dead back to life. So probably a thing that shouldn't be left out in the wild. Now the only problem is figuring out where the Mad Scientist is planning on releasing the gas.

Natt's a genius! I would have guessed the orphanage.

Natt isn't as big a genius as I first thought because I re-read the cover and it's "Zombie Night at the Gotham Aquarium" and not "Zombie Night at the Gotham Zoo". Jommy must have seen the cover with his x-ray vision because he also realizes the zoo is a bust and he's probably going to hit the aquarium. Putting the nerve gas in the water will keep the gas from leaking into the surrounding neighborhoods and, the actual best place to release the gas, the orphanage.

While wandering around the aquarium, Jommy runs into Dingo and they foreshadow their eventual duel.

Dude, Dingo has met Death and lived. No way Jommy's ever gonna outgun him.

Hacken also makes an appearance because he's going to Evil Dead his hand off later. But the first Jommy has to go from thinking "This job is no big deal! A bunch of zombie fish in an aquarium and some clumsy ass scientist!" to "Holy shit what's the Guinness Book of World Records for most times crapping in your pants in under five seconds because I just fucking beat it."

I bet they're wishing the scientist had released the gas at the orphanage now.

The Ranking!
Twenty-two zombie penguins up! That's an homage to Siskel and Ebert but I had to make a note that it was because it didn't sound anything like it. It just sounded like I died of a stroke and that was the last thing I managed to type.

Hitman #12 (March 1997)

I bet this issue sold less units than usual due to Kyle Rayner being on the cover.

Hitman #12 (March 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I don't usually discuss the art when I'm reading comic books which is a real lack of vision on my part considering the media. But when I do discuss it, it should be in one of my blog posts and not in the comment section of one of those blog posts. So I'm just going to quote myself from the comments of Issue #9!

McCrea's art, with its fast and loose style, feels like the kind of thing you'd see in a daily strip for a newspaper. But it's always better than I imagine when I take the time to really gaze at it. His facial expressions are wonderful and he can express the whole gamut of human emotion, even when they conflict in the character. You can see it all. I think. Having never had an emotion other than "total rage", I'm just guessing.

I remember being pretty upset when Ennis and McCrea took over The Demon from Grant and Semeiks because Semeiks art was pretty much tailor-made for my tastes. It had that cartoon/animation feel where everything was rounded edges and soft and adorable. And the colors were so bright! But then McCrea came along and must have been all, "Why the fock is this demon from hell so focking cute?! He should look rank and off-putting with weird angles and scraggly limbs! Like a British Tory!" And, man, he wasn't wrong! I definitely came to enjoy their version but, holy moley, I'm still in love with Val Semeiks' Etrigan!

So that's how I feel about John McCrea's art! I don't think he's ever going to be a venerated legend based on his comic book work but he makes his style work on whatever series he's currently working on. Almost as if he puts the work before his own ego! Could that be a thing? Can artists even manage that?! I have my doubts.

This issue begins with Tiegel realizing she's going to fuck an assassin.

That's a lot of fucking cookies. Tiegel's mom also wants to fuck an assassin.

I don't mean to judge Tiegel because she wants to fuck an assassin. I would fuck an assassin in a heartbeat. My dick don't care how many people somebody has killed. That's a brain problem in the minutes following my dick passing out and vomiting the leftover semen onto the inside of my thigh. I'm judging Tiegel because she's a woman and I feel like that category of person has more dignity, pride, and self-respect than, you know, um, men. That's probably sexist but she's also a cop so if she starts fucking a hitman, she's going to have to mark her relationship as "complicated" on all the socials.

Speaking of cops, I was thinking of The Wicker Man recently and it got me to wondering. Do Christians feel like the message of the movie has been lost now that the majority of people would love to see a cop burn in a massive wicker simulacrum? They're all, "No, no! You're glossing over the message about the dangers Christianity faces from pagan peoples and other religions by celebrating the burning of a Christian man who just thought he was doing the right thing but didn't realize the spiritual danger he was in by putting his faith into mankind's laws! Stop cheering at the Christian man's demise! Why are you all stripping naked and dancing around May poles?! GOD WILL FUCKING SMITE YOU, YOU HEATHENS!"

You know what? I bet people aren't thinking that at all. I think most people in 2026 haven't even seen The Wicker Man. Or if they have, they've only seen the remake which, having not seen it myself, I can only surmise is fucking terrible. I know people love Nicholas Cage and I can sometimes see why they love him but I also feel that if Nicholas Cage is in a bad movie, that movie feels like watching a dog with severe diarrhea prolapse. Although now that I've said that, I feel like a bunch of you sicko fucks would love to watch that dog. Live and close-up. Or you might prefer it as a GIF so you can watch it over and over again without having to take your hands off your private parts.

Meanwhile, Mr. Truman makes a critical mistake with his henchman, Mr. Feekle.

It might seem like, at the time, disciplining your dog with a mini-baseball bat was a good idea. But you're actually just training it to eventually tear your throat out.

That last caption wasn't for normal people who probably thought, "When would anybody ever think beating a dog was a good idea?!" It was for the alpha jerks who think masculinity means never having a single emotion and who also don't realize that rage is an emotion. And I'm not just pointing my judgy finger at men. Plenty of Kristi Noem's fucking up the women's side too.

Tommy gets wired up for his meeting with Truman so he can get Truman to admit to his fascist government agency that kills supes the government doesn't take a shine to. He makes a sexist joke at Tiegel's expense even though it's not meant to be sexist but meant to satirize the shit cops she usually works with. Tiegel points out he's being a jerk and ruining things and that's when Tommy realizes he isn't busting the balls of one of the guys at Noonan's; he's busting the vagina of a woman who wants to fuck him.

I heart Tiegel.

Tommy hears Mr. Truman's pitch but mostly just to get it all on tape. But if Tommy had been named Billy Butcher, he probably would have been all, "Oi, yeah. Def killing them supes." Although he wouldn't be a great employee having just joined the government program to get his hands on funding and incredible weapons while he still did whatever the fuck he wanted while being constantly yelled at and reprimanded. Tommy isn't quite Billy Butcher. Tommy doesn't see superhero as a huge threat to mankind. He just sees superheroes as everybody else: some are nice and some are jerks and some are evil jerks who commit evil so they don't deserve to live. Tommy isn't willing to just put a bat-bullet in a bat-brain because some, um, batbrain tells him to.

Truman gives Tommy his offer and Tommy gives Truman his answer.

I don't know what Kyle Rayner's part of this scheme was but I think maybe it was a wild goose chase. Which is fine by me!

Oh, um, Kyle appears not long after Truman orders Tommy killed for refusing his offer. Tiegel kills the sniper meant to kill Tommy and then Kyle flies in in an over-the-top flying saucer construct to blow up a car and scare all the other CIA gunmen into dropping their weapons. That leaves Mr. Feekle to confront Tommy himself. My guess is some bullets will fly and then Tommy will take cover so that he can point out how the person Feekle should be angry with is Mr. Truman. Then Mr. Truman will lose a kidney or a leg or an eye or half of his penis to Mr. Feekle's anger because that's what happens to Garth Ennis bad guys! They just get brought down piece by fucking piece.

Enh. Sometimes I'm wrong! RIP Mr. Feekle.

The Ranking!
That's pretty much the end of things. The taped conversation gets Mr. Truman off Tommy's back (for now!). And Green Lantern goes home looking like the idiot Garth Ennis has decided he is. I'm sure Kyle fans weren't happy about that. And Tiegel realizes she's going to, eventually, fuck a hitman. Aces!

Hitman #11 (February 1997)

Kyle's just lucky Bueno Excellente doesn't exist yet.

Hitman #11 (February 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

My whole life I've been considered the loud one. It was always meant as a derogatory critique of the way I unconsciously expressed myself. It wasn't until I met the Non-Certified Spouse and she described me to my friends as "gregarious" did I realize that my loudness wasn't a flaw and an irritant. It was my exuberance and joy in being with and around people I love. While normally I would come off as shy or introverted, taking a back seat to others in most situations, when I was around my people, the people I was entirely comfortable with, I would guffaw and exclaim and talk overly loud in my excitement. Those in the surrounding area would think me a blowhard or a show-off or just a bellowing asshole. But I never cared or noticed until some jerk would later comment on how awfully loud I was or would leave a note on my desk post the office Christmas party hinting that maybe I should drink less. But whoever that asshole at Sidemark was who left that note could get fucked because I wasn't drunk and I drove my VW Bus home after that party. I was simply thrilled and enjoying my time with people whom I had gotten to know well over the year. Just because the higher-ups didn't know me and thought "He must be drinking because I've never seen him this expressive", it didn't mean I was fucking drunk! I was happy and full of joy and I was expressing it! We grow up with enough social inhibitions shoved down our throat over bullshit made-up rules that don't matter. Why would somebody want to make another person feel bad or feel lesser for expressing joy in their shared existence with others?!

What I'm trying to say is that Conservatives suck! The connection between my opening paragraph and that line is obvious enough to me but if you don't see it, maybe re-read the opening paragraph again while constantly thinking, "Conservatives suck!", and maybe you'll get it. If this were a typewritten essay handed in to Dr. Guenter in my Humanities class, he'd have written on it in red pen: "EXPAND ON THIS THOUGHT!" But it's not and I have my degree now so suck it, Dr. Guenter!

No, no! Don't suck it, sir! I really loved you as a professor! I'm sorry!

Kyle always did strike me as an easily manipulated tool of The Man.

The good thing about most easily manipulated tools of The Man is that they're also usually easily reverse manipulated, especially if you can talk to them one-on-one. But that's why most easily manipulated tools online aren't easily reverse manipulated because if you let them know how they're being manipulated, one thousand other easily manipulated tools will chime up to call you a DEMONcRAT or a HiLIARy lover or whatever the fuck stupid expression they've chosen to glom onto at the time because not a single one of them has ever had an original thought or successfully comprehended the world around them.

If you think I'm going especially hard on right wingers today, it's because you've got to point out on the regular how much you despise them so they'll stop enjoying your company which they are absolutely not welcome to enjoy. You've got to let them know they're not welcome here because they're dumb jerks that nobody likes (especially me!). Even the people they're living their life for, doing their own version of Virtue Signaling by praising Jesus or waving an American flag or saying "retard" as often as possible, don't like them. The only reason anybody got angry about people making fun of Charlie Kirk is that they know that's the way people will react to their death. And what scared them even more is that Charlie Kirk was supposedly a major figure in the right wing movement and look how fast everybody forgot about him and everything he said or did! It's like Rush Limbaugh. The only reason anybody talks about either of them is in an effort to appease their own fears. If people can forget these famous conservative asshats immediately, how the fuck do they have a chance at being remembered or loved in death?

Hmm. I didn't mean to imply that Kyle Rayner is conservative! I hope it didn't come across that way. I might not like Kyle Rayner but it's not because his ideas are shitty and unkind and from the stone age! I just don't like him because, um, fuck. I don't really know why! Maybe because he got his ring while pissing in an alley? Is that a thing that happened? I think that's what happened, right?! Also maybe his ideas are shitty and unkind and from the stone age. Why would I know having never read any Kyle Rayner comic books ever?! Stupid drunk alley piss boy. Man, I fucking hate Ganthet!

Tommy spends the first few pages of the comic book making Kyle Rayner look like a stupid asshole. That's not for geniuses like me who already knew he was a stupid asshole. That's for the people who liked him for some reason so they could, possibly, think, "Hmm. I never realized how huge a stupid asshole this stupid asshole was!" I suppose they could also be thinking, "What the fuck?! Kyle Rayner's super duper cool! Garth Ennis can suck my dirty butthole!" That's almost 100% what they thought because if I know one thing about Kyle Rayner fans, it's that they have dirty buttholes. If I know two things about them, it's also that they're stupid assholes!"

Man, I have friends who like Kyle Rayner! I hope they never read this "review"! Or if they do, it helps them to realize they need to wipe better.

"Doughball" is such a good insult. It's like is he making fun of his mind or his body or both at the same time?!

Mr. Truman and his goon Mr. Feekle have lied to Green Lantern about Tommy's plans so that he'll arrive and arrest Tommy. After that, the cops can kill Tommy and Kyle can be all, "I didn't kill him! I was just manipulated like a stupid asshole to do the dirty work of killers! Ask Batman! He'd understand!" And Batman would knock the reporter's microphone out of his face and be all, "Tommy who? I don't know who you're talking about and he never made me look foolish at all!"

The two fight for awhile like Marvel heroes and then Tommy is all, "Hey, Kyle, knock it off." And Green Lantern is all, "Holy shit how do you know my name!" And then Tommy is all, "It was my mother's name!" And then they cry and hug it out and head over to Noonan's for a few beers.

Or something.

Over those beers, Tommy learns that Kyle is an easily manipulated tool of The Man. Duh!

I mean, I'd probably be easily manipulated if they sent Dana Scully in to butter me up too.

Tommy lets Truman know that he's still kicking and that maybe they can meet up to talk about that government agency job of his. It's a trap, of course. Truman and Feekle figure as much so they go after some insurance: kidnapping Sean Noonan.

That doesn't work out too well for the agents they send.

Afterward, Noonan gives Tommy a call to let him know that what they thought would happen happened. It's also an opportunity for Garth Ennis to push the violence and humor to the side for a moment to make sure readers remember the third tool in his writing bag: sappy melodramatics!

I don't mean that as an insult! Sappy melodramatics really work in works like this when the humor and violence are over-the-top and extreme. Subtle emotional arcs isn't what's called for after a guy just mows down twenty people with a fucking machine gun.

The Ranking!
I had a few people in my life whom I often thought of as my dad or father figure. None of them were my actual dad. Great story!

Hitman #10 (January 1997)

This would be me if my stupid neighbors would appreciate me more.

Hitman #10 (January 1997)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I've learned that the people closest to me (meaning my friends and family) seem to appreciate me less than strangers. Just a few days ago, some bloke on Bluesky hunted me down to lift me up on his and his friends shoulders in true appreciation of my amazing genius.

Personally my favorite bit from Crazy Asian Drinks was from my review of Non-Carbonated Soft Drink: "Somewhere, children are asking if they can have more soft drink on their mashed potatoes."

Like an unneutered cat, I have sprayed my stink all over the Internet for 30 years and every now and then, a voice will reach out to me and say, "Hey, remember that totally stupid thing you did? My friends and I fucking loved it!" A year or so ago, a kid who was too young to remember the wild west days of the Internet tracked me down on tumblr to ask if I was behind Future Retard and I had to proudly admit that, yes, I was one of the geniuses behind that all-too prescient web comic. When I first registered to Twitter as Grunion Guy, I was messaged by a junior high school girl who was all, "Are you the Grunion Guy who wrote "A Really Scary Story"? My friends are constantly quoting it!" And then I befriended them (not in a weird way) and watched them graduate and head of to college and be super funny online all the time and felt proud that I could be a creator of something that made an impact on somebody else's life and then also not turn out to be a total piece of fucking garbage! Some might argue that I am a fucking piece of garbage but I'd have to say the fact I'm Gen-X and so far left that even the Democrats think I'm a terrorist is something I'm proud of! Of course, now I'm going to have to have "Hey! Hey! I invented shit drink!" as the epitaph on my tombstone. I guess I could be remembered in worse ways. Like maybe having "Creator of Future R-Slur!" engraved on marble marking my still sexy corpse for all eternity. Or at least until they dig up my grave to build a row of cheaply made luxury condos on the land.

No wait! I've changed my mind! I think my favorite bit on Crazy Asian Drinks (by me! I have favorite bits by Ken and Brent too!) was in my review of Yeo's Soya Bean Drink: "I've never considered distilling my grandfather's underwear into its pure essence and packaging it in a can for ingestion but apparently some Malaysian named Yeo did."

Last issue ended with half of Gotham's cops pulling up outside Tommy's apartment (or Pat's, I guess. But whatever) and yelling through a bullhorn, "Come out and we'll shoot. But first we'll yell, 'Look out! He's got a gun!' whether you have one or not. Then later the District Attorney will be all, 'Look, members of the grand jury. Not only should a cop never be convicted because if one is, they'll never work with me again and I'll never win another case but a cop should never even have to set foot in a courtroom because, well, remember that thing I just said about how I'll never win a case if they stop giving witness testimony for me? So we're just going to throw out this case where fifty cops put five hundred bullets into a guy holding a butter knife dripping grape jelly and half a sandwich stuck in his mouth stuck together from the peanut butter so that nobody could for certain say he wasn't shouting, "I'm going to murder all of you with this butter knife!"'"

I'm not going to double check to make sure I got all those quotation marks correct. If the editor could give up on the last 100 pages of the Dungeon Crawler Carl book This Inevitable Ruin so that it's just littered with formatting errors, I'm not going to bother editing this shit little "review" of a Garth Ennis comic book that I won't know if anybody read until twenty years from now when somebody will message me and say, "Hey, are you that hot guy who said all that real shit about cops twenty years ago? My friends and I are constantly getting our ass beat by the roving 'A.I.' super cops when they hear us laughing about your Wicker Man bits!"

Like Dungeon Crawler Carl, Hitman solves a lot of his problems with explosives.

I need to learn to say "God out of the Inventory" in Latin because I think, due to the Dungeon Crawler Carl books, deus ex machina will soon be replaced by that.

Tommy's grenade was just a Diarrhea grenade meaning it wasn't fused to explode; it was just meant to make the cops shit themselves. After the cops dive for cover with loud "FRRRRRRRPPPPP!"s blasting from the seat of their pants, Tommy steps out and shoves a piston under one of their chins. I bet when he doesn't kill them, they'll all realize how he's actually a good guy and they shouldn't hold it against him that he held them hostage with a loaded weapon. They'll just think, "He's a better man than us because we would have killed him in a heartbeat's heartbeat!" But Tommy, being a charming and good-looking dude, lets the police know that he doesn't hold it against them that they're corrupt and cowardly pieces of shit. He understands that's just a requirement for the job.

It's statements like that previous one that gets me another kind of attention from strangers on the Internet.

Proof that not all strangers appreciate me more than my friends and family. Some treat me exactly like certain family members treat me!

Tommy lets the cops know that he knows they were sent to murder him in a "resisting arrest" confrontation. The cops are all, "Well, that's not great because now he really is resisting with potentially lethal force and he knows we were going to kill him without using that lethal force and, um, man, shitting yourself is really uncomfortable!"

One other thing the cops forgot because they're arrogant bastards who believe they deserve respect and believe they get that respect because they have guns and will use them on anybody who shows any amount of disdain towards them: they're not just in Gotham where people hate the cops, they're in The Cauldron where people really fucking hate the fucking cops.

I'd say, in military terms and not Lobo terms, this is a great opportunity for a fragging situation. And you can see the Captain knows it too.

Tommy convinces the Captain to convince his men to disarm by using a combination of his x-ray vision and his finger on the trigger of the pistol to the Captain's head. Meanwhile all of the local residents stand around cheering and screaming out more ways for Tommy to humiliate the police.

You fucking tell him, Tommy!

I've always had a healthy distrust of authority but I wouldn't blame people if they read Hitman and watched the original The Wicker Man and gasped in shock (much as the woman sitting next to me at The Matrix in 1999 gasped when the trenchcoated Keanu began lighting up people with automatic weapons and muttered, "This is just like Columbine!") as they said, "This is why he hates cops!" I think I really began hating cops when that local Santa Clara cop tried to lecture me and my friends for climbing on the school roof. He thought we were vandals but realized we were just kids playing with Star Wars figures but still couldn't shift his tone from "I'm busting vandals" to "I've made a mistake and caught some kids playing". So he took our names and when he recognized my name, he was all, "Is your father so-and-so? I went to school with him. How do you think he'd react if he knew what you were doing?" And being that my dad left when I was two, I basically said, "He wouldn't care?" The cop, realizing he couldn't shame us and had no real reason to yell at us because we were dumb kids playing with dolls, he finally just admitted defeat and left. And we went back to playing with our toys.

Fucking cops are just pieces of shit made sentient, I swear to Christ.

Since the cops have failed, Mister Truman, government agent of some other secret Suicide Squad-esque agency, takes over the operation to murder Tommy. But only after giving him one more chance to accept the job as superhero assassin working for the government. That's important because you always need to give the bad guys a reason not to immediately kill the good guys or else the protagonist's story would simply end ala The Sopranos at any fucking random moment. A good example is The Walking Dead. Every time Rick and his group ran into the "bad guys", the "bad guys" would give them every chance to live and then Rick would just murder-hobo the fuck out of everybody who could potentially be a threat. I'm not saying Rick was the bad guy but I'm also not not saying that Rick was the bad guy. It's, um, complicated!

I saw Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds at The Crystal Ballroom in Portland, Oregon, in 2002 or so and I can't imagine another time a band's tone ever matched a venue to that degree. Just fucking perfect.

I think Nick Cave and the Bad Seed's "tone" and the feeling of seeing a show at The Crystal Ballroom can both be summed up in one word: "cigarettes".

The Captain crashes the cop car that Tommy forced him, at gunpoint, to drive as a getaway vehicle. Just as Tommy crawls from the wreckage, Tiegel pulls up to help him escape. She's wearing a mask so that nobody will recognize her but Tommy instantly recognizes her. Granted, Tommy also has telepathy and x-ray vision so, um, you know. That probably explains that. Also her big titties, maybe?

Tiegel, a cop, explains why she, a cop, has decided to help an assassin get away from a bunch of other cops.

Those are her reasons but I suspect maybe she has x-ray vision too and she's noticed Tommy's big peepee. Also her mom is like totally into Tommy.

Because Tiegel's mom discovers the faucet on her lady parts still runs, and also because Tiegel's Nazi grandfather embarrasses the fuck out of her, Tiegel opens up to Tommy a bit more than she probably should. Also the big dick thing and her being super horny, probably. They decide to work together for the time being to expose Mr. Truman and get Tiegel's police captain fired for working with this government agency to murder a man using her cops. After that, they'll either fight or fuck. Or do both the way Batman and Catwoman do it. Fuckfighting is a Goddamned Gotham tradition.

While Tommy sits on a roof thinking about his youth with Pat and trying to come up with a plan to defeat the entire Gotham Police Department and a secret government organization, one of the government organization's assets confronts Tommy.

Ugh. Fucking Rayner.

I never liked Kyle Rayner but not because I liked Hal Jordan. I fucking hated Hal Jordan. I just didn't like Kyle because he was, um, so Kyle-ly. Just a big try-hard dope. A fucking Everyman reader insert who could handle the ring better than anybody ever! Me? I was a big fan of John Stewart and Guy Gardner. I think I liked Guy over Hal because Guy understood that he was using violence to solve all of his problems but Hal acted like he wasn't resorting to violence to solve all of his problems when, like, he did do that. All the time. He never entered a bar where he didn't wind up slugging somebody in the jaw. And John I liked because he was smart and an architect and not a fucking marine at all. Fuck you, modern take on John Stewart making him a military man! Ugh! Lame! So disgusting!

The Ranking!
Super horny and anti-cop and cool! Plus Kyle's baby leg was hilarious! Ha ha!

Hitman #9 (December 1996)

The rarely used perspective of the dead.

Hitman #9 (December 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

You can correct me by pointing out all of the ancient, middle ages, renaissance, romantic, Victorian, modern, and postmodern texts that all use the perspective of the dead but I won't listen because I fucking said what I said already and now it's too late to be right so I need to just stick to my guns no matter how foolish it'll make me look. I mean, there are currently people out there declaring that they've spoken to Mitch McConnell when everybody knows the guy's either fucking dead or currently so lazy that he won't even take a single breath without the help of an expensive machine. So why can't I be all, "Why do you keep saying American Beauty? What does that mean? What does Dante have to do with anything? Yeah, I've heard of the island of Galapagos? Why do you keep shouting it angrily at me?! Hey yourself but, you know, my name isn't Nostradamus!"

Maybe what I was really trying to say was, "This cover covers a lot of ground from the whole future possibilities angle. Is the open grave representative of somebody Tommy's going to put into it? Is it already filled with somebody that's sending Tommy off into a killing rampage? Is it a metaphor of his future where he'll be dead from booze and/or violence soon? Do the fall leaves indicate a coming, um, fall?!" Yeah, that's what I meant. You can stop yelling Sixth Sense at me now!

But before I move on, let me say that House of Leaves is my favorite book written from the perspective of a dead baby and let y'all fight it out about how fucking wrong I am.

The issue begins with a bunch of killers going, "Death makes us sad!"

Oh, hey (Nostradumbass)! Speaking of death! Lindsey Graham just died! It's weird that everybody was all immediately, "Yeah, he's dead. Fucking slabbed, man. Done. Goodbye, tater!" But everybody else is all, "No, no. Mitch is alive! Seriously! Very much doing great!" If the afterlife were real, I bet Lindsey would be super sad to see he didn't warrant the lich treatment. If he even noticed what with all the demons shoving shit in his mouth and pitchforks up his asshole, I mean.

Anyway, Tiegel gets called up in front of the police board to be reminded that most of the cops in Gotham are corrupt and they fucking hate her for not joining them in being violent, selfish, greedy pricks. She isn't kicked off the force or anything but the chastising will probably drive her to drink and wind up spending the night fucking Tommy Monaghan. Tommy hasn't gotten laid since last issue (maybe the issue before that even!) and if your cool character isn't getting laid constantly, they might as well be the fucking nerd reading the comic book.

See?! Even Sean Noonan knows Tommy needs it bad!

Tommy explains how he's feeling after almost getting murdered by the greatest Hitman of all time. One of the long-term injuries from his near-death experience is that his telepathy now gives him a killer migraine. Probably the x-ray vision too. So nine issues in, Garth Ennis basically throws out the Bloodlines shit just to get to the non-super hero stories he really wants to tell. And one of those stories is about a Hitman who's ethics are better honed than every cop in Gotham (and everywhere else) which makes him a natural bone boy for a disenfranchised cop looking to really put it to The Man (by putting it to the bone boy). Because, yeah, Tiegel has been suspended without pay and she'll probably lose her job for good once she punches one of those bitch-ass pigs in his piggy pig face.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

The cops don't take too kindly to violence being used for something other than oppression and reminders to show them some respect so they pull their guns on her. They don't shoot her because she is still one of them and it would be a huge headache to have to convince all the other cops who aren't corrupt (like maybe one or two stuck on desk duty because they'd snitch on any police brutality they witness) to go along with the bullshit press release explaining how Tiegel shot herself in the face seven times with seven different guns at the same exact moment. Sure, it sounds ridiculous but when has the press not bought into any obvious bullshit story given to them by the cops?

While leaving the precinct, Tiegel passes by the Captain's office and hears her speaking with a small accountant-looking government man with a huge ape of a man for muscle. They want the GCPD to murder Tommy in one of those fake resisting arrest killings so that nobody questions that he died as a scum-sucking anti-cop piece of shit. It's a story so easy to sell because a large number of people in America have somehow forgotten that we all hate cops and have hated them since they were slave-catchers and union busters and immigrant killers. Tiegel, knowing the cops are corrupt, probably now might be thinking, "Is Tommy the good guy? He definitely didn't murder me and Batman when he could have. And by not murdering us, that probably means he's a great lay. I mean guy!"

Enter Sixpack.

Sixpack is hilarious because alcoholism is hilarious. I mean, sure, sometimes it's serious like when you're reading Infinite Jest or your best friend's brother dies at 42 from it. But other times, it's totally hilarious like when Sixpack shits and pisses himself while suffering from severe hallucinations or like when your father is one and abandons you at two! Ha ha!

The government guy and his muscle track down Tommy at Noonan's. Tommy's all, "How'd you find me?" Mister Truman, the accountant dude, does not respond, "You spend 20 hours a day here. It's not fucking hard." Earlier, Truman didn't ask the cops to straight out murder Tommy immediately. First he wanted to offer Tommy a job killing superheroes who try to change the status quo by fighting corporate crime or cleaning up the environment or stopping lawless nations shove their weight around. Only if Tommy refuses did Truman want Tommy's death to be announced via a headline that reads, "Tommy Monaghan Rightfully Killed Lawfully and Justly Because He Didn't Let Some Cops Push Him Around!" Tommy refuses the job so the paper begins typesetting the headline.

Meanwhile we learn Tiegel's grandfather was a Nazi. And also her mother wants Tiegel to fuck Tommy. So her name meaning "crucible" in German probably means something!

And then dozens of cops show up at Tommy's door.

To be continued?! Is this edging?!

The Ranking!
Pre-cop-killer-tastic!

HItman #8 (Late November 1996)

Is this one of those "There's an event happening in Gotham due to Batman so all characters in Gotham must take part" issue?

Hitman #8 (Late November 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I think I have a vague memory of this issue. Isn't there some huge blackout thing in Gotham that's making Batman put in overtime and editorial was all, "Garth! Tommy's in Gotham. You have to do a 'Final Night' issue!" And Garth was all, "Hmm, a blackout, hunh? I guess Tommy and his buddies will just be sitting in Noonan's all night drinking beers and talking shite!" Maybe they also kill people who interrupt the gab sesh every now and then just to make things exciting. Also perhaps we learn Tommy's loss of virginity story? Not with a girl but with a gun, I mean! And I don't mean he fucks a gun! Or do I? Fuck, let's just read this shit!

The issue begins with the blackout. But it's not a Gotham blackout; it's a whole world blackout. I don't remember this "event" at all but I guess Darkseid ate the sun or something and now Hitman and his friends were going to have to just sit in Noonan's and wait it out.

Oh, fine. I'll do some online research to see what "The Final Night" was all about. It's scary though because the kind of people who say they do online research are total buffoons who believe the dumbest shit! So if I wind up believing that 9/11 was an inside job and that ordering pizza means you want to fuck children, I'm going to be pissed!

Apparently "The Final Night" was about somebody eating the sun but it wasn't Darkseid. And Hal Jordan died during it? Seriously?! How the fuck do I not remember this bullshit?! I have the vaguest memory of being a cynical asshole and scoffing at how this was just a Galactus story for DC with Dusk, the lady coming to warn Earth, just a stand-in for Silver Surfer. But I'm fairly certain this Hitman issue is the only tie-in comic I own of this crossover event. And it's barely a tie-in!

When the sun goes out, Hacken, Sean, Tommy, Ringo, and Natt lock themselves into Noonan's to get by on hot dogs and beer until the heroes turn the sun back on. While they tell stories, they occasionally have to take a break to shoot a looter in the face. So exactly how I remembered it!

Their stories revolve around the closest they ever came to losing their butt cherry. Sean goes first.

Noonan's story is a harrowing encounter with an officer alone together on a snowy battlefield.

I'm doing that thing right now where you tug your shirt collar and go, "Yeeeaaaooo."

Is that the correct noise? It's been awhile since I've watched a comedy from the '50s. Or was that move invented in the '60s and '70s on comedy sketch shows?

Sean Noonan doesn't sport a colostomy bag so you know he maintained his butt purity on this occasion. He's saved by air support flying over and the officer being too shy to buttfuck in front of witnesses.

Later Sean is all, "I didn't want that blade up my bunghole. But I sorted it later for good."

Of course you did, Sean! It's why God had to destroy Sodom! He couldn't let people spread the word about how great it is!

The boys take the story in stride but begin to get a little uncomfortable when Sean just won't stop giving them all the dirty details.

Stupid comic book using silhouettes to hide all the good bits!

Natt's up next and his story involves a drug deal gone wrong. How wrong's a drug deal got to go before somebody gets fucked in the ass, you're wondering? I think just regular wrong, really.

Natt ready to get smoked! "Smoked" is AAVE for "anal", right?

Hacken's a fuck up so he gets the story idea backwards and tells a story about a guy he knew who fucked some chickens.

I don't think you can fuck a chicken in the ass. I guess it's technically the cloaca? And it's also the vagina. And maybe the penis? Ugh. I'm never eating chicken again.

Ringo's next so you know his story is going to be all super serious. Ringo's story begins in Hong Kong where he was sent by an uncle to do his first hit.

I was in Hong Kong in 1997 and this must be the closest to the way it looked then that I've seen it depicted (and I don't even know if this is accurate! At least it looks familiar!). It's changed so much over the last 30 years, I never fucking recognize modern photographs of it.

I was going to dig through my old travel photos to find some of Hong Kong's skyline but was derailed by photos from my college graduation party at my grandmother's house. I was so young! And gorgeous! If I had a time machine, my story about the closest I ever came to losing my butt cherry would be me being attacked by older me at my college graduation party!

Dammit. I should probably post one now that I fucking talked about it. Just remember I was a little fat at the time. I lost like fifty pounds about six months after this!

From left to right: Sweetie, Doom Bunny, me, my sister, my nephew, and Bob "the Well-Done Comedian" Henline (in his raw form).

Ringo meets Death but Death isn't horny like Gaiman's Death. Was Death of The Endless horny? I remember her being horny! Was I projecting? Don't tell me I was projecting! I totally would have let her peg me. Anyway, Ringo manages to not get pegged by death. Hmm, Pegged by Death might need to be the title of my autobiography.

Anyway, I guess it's Tommy's turn next. Which doesn't seem like he needs a chance to go. Shouldn't he just point to his last two story arcs where he was almost taken out by a Nazi demon from Hell and the greatest assassin to ever where a white suit?

Tommy's story was just about learning to stand up to a bully or a guy with a gun pointed in your face when he was just a kid. Or, I mean, a guy trying to force his way into the back of your underwear.

This was before he perfected all of his fat jokes.

I'd make that panel into my header but it might make me cry every time I visit my own blog.

The Ranking!
Fuck I miss stories like this! I'm not saying they don't still exist but television series and comic books don't really like to take a moment of downtime to have characters just sit around doing character stuff! Everything is always PLOT PLOT PLOT! I sort of understand why after seeing all the stupid comments from friends and family every time an episode of The Walking Dead didn't advance the plot at all. And those same jerks basically hated 4 out of 5 episodes of Lost because that gem was basically character work every fucking episode! We had to learn why they all ended up in Purgatory! Except, I mean, obviously it wasn't Purgatory after a certain point! But it still works if you don't mind going with the flow as shit changes because changing shit from Purgatory to the Dharma Initiative actually works fairly decently. Anyway, great issue highlighting the main fucking reason Ennis wants to write this comic book: friends sitting around drinking and talking shite!