E!TACT #30
Robin vs. Ra's al Ghul #1, Nightwing vs Hush #1, Batgirl vs the Riddler #1, Red Hood vs Anarky #1, Harley Quinn vs The Joker #1, Batman #50, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
COMIC BOOK REVIEWS!
Robin vs. Ra's al Ghul #1, Nightwing vs Hush #1, Batgirl vs the Riddler #1, Red Hood vs Anarky #1, Harley Quinn vs The Joker #1, Batman #50, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
COMIC BOOK REVIEWS!
Robin vs Ra's al Ghul #1
By Seeley, Walker, Hennessey, Gray, and Bellaire
There's a line at the beginning of this book where Selina Kyle says to Damian Wayne, "I thought I was going to have to jump in and save that guy from being force-fed his own pins." Do I even need to say what I first read that as? If I do, you must be new to my reviews! Welcome! For you, I'll say it: I thought "pins" was "penis"! Part of me likes to think, "Tim Seeley did that on purpose. What a genius!" The other part of me is thinking, "Why are you reading comic books when your country is being burned to the ground by liars and despots?" But then that's exactly why I'm reading comic books, isn't it?!
Robin decides to have his own bachelor party (what do you call the thing the son of the groom gets up to the night before the wedding? If I had to rely on my own experience of my dad's third marriage, I would believe everybody simply played Infocom games all night after refusing to go to the wedding because they didn't want to dress up) which consists of sneaking into an arcade and playing a game called Cheese Viking. What he actually does is fight some guy named Aion who looks like Catwoman with her tits bound. I'm not going to look up "aion" to see what it means in whatever language it's from. I'm just going to assume it means "I'm your stepmother with her tits bound."
For some reason I'm not going to think too deeply about, I took a break to masturbate after that last sentence.
Aion. I suppose it could also be defined as "offspring of a bat and a cat but from a different timeline than the one you think." So basically he's probably Damian Wayne's half-brother from another time mother. I mean, his costume is Catwoman's suit with a red and green feathered cape. Imagine his identity issues! "Am I a bird? Am I a cat? Am I Batman?!"
Aion does reveal that he's Selina and Bruce's kid. Two pages later, they aren't sucking each other's dicks. I checked because I really felt ready for another "break." You'll see in the Letters to Me! section how I admit that I would be a poor caretaker of the Star Wars franchise. Same for Batman.
At this point in the comic book, most comic book readers aren't thinking "I thought this was Robin vs. Ra's al Ghul! Not Robin vs. some idiot from a different dimension or future timeline!" because most comic book readers don't think while they read their comic books. Like pigs at the trough, they gulp down whatever they're given. But not me! I think about these types of things carefully. Most of the time I don't come to the conclusion that Damian Wayne is hallucinating Aion due to the tailor's needle that pricked him during his fitting for his wedding garb. But I probably would come to that conclusion if I weren't taking so many "breaks"!
Anyway, that's what happened. The tailor was an assassin in a certain league run by Damian's grandfather. So it's really Ra's whom Damian is confronting.
Doesn't Batman have some kind of overly expensive alarm system that alerts him to when Ra's al Ghul comes anywhere near the western hemisphere?
Ra's doesn't stop by to kill anybody or steal anything or take control of the entire world for the good of humanity. Like Joker, he just dropped by to make Damian feel like a piece of shit and ruin everybody's good time. Luckily for Damian, he's a disagreeable person who doesn't mind confronting people about their bullshit. So Damian confronts Catwoman about how his role will change after the marriage and she says all the right things. He'll probably be calling her mom from now on although not in front of anybody who will remain alive after hearing it.
Rating: Come on! It was written by Tim Seeley! You expect me to shit on something that Tim Seeley wrote? Even if this was terrible (which it wasn't!), I'd probably give him a pass and blame the editor or food poisoning or the clone that replaced him after one of Marvel's paid assassins took him out in the never ending bloody war between Marvel and DC. This issue works because Tim Seeley understands the characters of Damian and Selina. A writer who only writes comic books and not stories would have made this all about Damian winning a physical battle over Ra's rather than the emotional one he's confronted with.
By Seeley, Walker, Hennessey, Gray, and Bellaire
There's a line at the beginning of this book where Selina Kyle says to Damian Wayne, "I thought I was going to have to jump in and save that guy from being force-fed his own pins." Do I even need to say what I first read that as? If I do, you must be new to my reviews! Welcome! For you, I'll say it: I thought "pins" was "penis"! Part of me likes to think, "Tim Seeley did that on purpose. What a genius!" The other part of me is thinking, "Why are you reading comic books when your country is being burned to the ground by liars and despots?" But then that's exactly why I'm reading comic books, isn't it?!
Robin decides to have his own bachelor party (what do you call the thing the son of the groom gets up to the night before the wedding? If I had to rely on my own experience of my dad's third marriage, I would believe everybody simply played Infocom games all night after refusing to go to the wedding because they didn't want to dress up) which consists of sneaking into an arcade and playing a game called Cheese Viking. What he actually does is fight some guy named Aion who looks like Catwoman with her tits bound. I'm not going to look up "aion" to see what it means in whatever language it's from. I'm just going to assume it means "I'm your stepmother with her tits bound."
For some reason I'm not going to think too deeply about, I took a break to masturbate after that last sentence.
Aion. I suppose it could also be defined as "offspring of a bat and a cat but from a different timeline than the one you think." So basically he's probably Damian Wayne's half-brother from another time mother. I mean, his costume is Catwoman's suit with a red and green feathered cape. Imagine his identity issues! "Am I a bird? Am I a cat? Am I Batman?!"
Aion does reveal that he's Selina and Bruce's kid. Two pages later, they aren't sucking each other's dicks. I checked because I really felt ready for another "break." You'll see in the Letters to Me! section how I admit that I would be a poor caretaker of the Star Wars franchise. Same for Batman.
At this point in the comic book, most comic book readers aren't thinking "I thought this was Robin vs. Ra's al Ghul! Not Robin vs. some idiot from a different dimension or future timeline!" because most comic book readers don't think while they read their comic books. Like pigs at the trough, they gulp down whatever they're given. But not me! I think about these types of things carefully. Most of the time I don't come to the conclusion that Damian Wayne is hallucinating Aion due to the tailor's needle that pricked him during his fitting for his wedding garb. But I probably would come to that conclusion if I weren't taking so many "breaks"!
Anyway, that's what happened. The tailor was an assassin in a certain league run by Damian's grandfather. So it's really Ra's whom Damian is confronting.
Doesn't Batman have some kind of overly expensive alarm system that alerts him to when Ra's al Ghul comes anywhere near the western hemisphere?
Ra's doesn't stop by to kill anybody or steal anything or take control of the entire world for the good of humanity. Like Joker, he just dropped by to make Damian feel like a piece of shit and ruin everybody's good time. Luckily for Damian, he's a disagreeable person who doesn't mind confronting people about their bullshit. So Damian confronts Catwoman about how his role will change after the marriage and she says all the right things. He'll probably be calling her mom from now on although not in front of anybody who will remain alive after hearing it.
Rating: Come on! It was written by Tim Seeley! You expect me to shit on something that Tim Seeley wrote? Even if this was terrible (which it wasn't!), I'd probably give him a pass and blame the editor or food poisoning or the clone that replaced him after one of Marvel's paid assassins took him out in the never ending bloody war between Marvel and DC. This issue works because Tim Seeley understands the characters of Damian and Selina. A writer who only writes comic books and not stories would have made this all about Damian winning a physical battle over Ra's rather than the emotional one he's confronted with.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nightwing vs. Hush #1
By Seeley, Moore, and Bonvillain
Oh good! Another Seeley comic book! I think it was me who suggested that Tim Seeley and Tom King write some stories together so I'm going to take credit for these Prelude to the Wedding books. You're all welcome.
If any of them are terrible, though, that's not my fault. I'm sure Seeley has a Twitter account. Bitch to him for failing so hard.
This issue begins with Nightwing and Superman throwing Batman a bachelor party. Yikes. A bachelor party devised by the two goodiest two shoes in the DC Universe? Pass.
Nightwing explains that Catwoman and Batman are getting married publicly but not Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle. Because of "too many secret identity questions raised by a billionaire businessman marrying someone with Selina's rap sheet." But no questions are raised about Batman marrying the criminal and ex-mob boss Catwoman (who everybody knows is Selina Kyle, right? So she can't be seen out with Bruce in public?). I guess everybody just thinks, "Batman's got your Arkham Asylum right here, baby!" "Right here" is when they grab their crotch. Also the everybody who thinks that are guys.
By Seeley, Moore, and Bonvillain
Oh good! Another Seeley comic book! I think it was me who suggested that Tim Seeley and Tom King write some stories together so I'm going to take credit for these Prelude to the Wedding books. You're all welcome.
If any of them are terrible, though, that's not my fault. I'm sure Seeley has a Twitter account. Bitch to him for failing so hard.
This issue begins with Nightwing and Superman throwing Batman a bachelor party. Yikes. A bachelor party devised by the two goodiest two shoes in the DC Universe? Pass.
Nightwing explains that Catwoman and Batman are getting married publicly but not Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle. Because of "too many secret identity questions raised by a billionaire businessman marrying someone with Selina's rap sheet." But no questions are raised about Batman marrying the criminal and ex-mob boss Catwoman (who everybody knows is Selina Kyle, right? So she can't be seen out with Bruce in public?). I guess everybody just thinks, "Batman's got your Arkham Asylum right here, baby!" "Right here" is when they grab their crotch. Also the everybody who thinks that are guys.
Gross.
Hush crashes the bachelor party because he was on the cover of the comic book and in the title too. He claims to be Batman's "best man" because, I'm assuming, he's forgotten about Joker and Bane and Riddler and Penguin and Bat-mite and Crazy Quilt and Man-bat and Kiteman and Wrath and Calendar Man and every other Batman villain that people think about before Hush (which is all of them). Maybe that's just me because I didn't read Jeff Loeb's epic about the person who mirrored Bruce Wayne in so many ways that readers couldn't help but realize that was the point of the story. Unlike all of Batman's other villains that are reverse mirror images done too subtly for comic book readers to understand. I mean, The Joker is anarchy and death while Batman is order and life. Wrath is exactly like Batman but a bad guy. The Riddler uses logic and rationality for selfish reasons while Batman uses it for the greater good. Catwoman has a vagina while Batman has a penis. The Penguin is fat and out of shape while Batman is a perfect physical specimen. Scarface is a puppet while Batman is a real boy. I could go on and on proving my point but I think you're finally going, "Oh shit! I never even noticed that! So cool!"
I guess Batman and Catwoman's marriage isn't actually supposed to be public. I guess it was just meant for Batfamily and Justice Leaguers because in this comic book and the last one, there was one panel that specifically had a character asking, "How do they know about the wedding?!" And based on last issue's epilogue, it seems the Joker has told all of Batman's foes about it so they can ruin it. Just in case, you know, his discussion with Catwoman failed to cast doubt on the entire thing.
I guess Batman and Catwoman's marriage isn't actually supposed to be public. I guess it was just meant for Batfamily and Justice Leaguers because in this comic book and the last one, there was one panel that specifically had a character asking, "How do they know about the wedding?!" And based on last issue's epilogue, it seems the Joker has told all of Batman's foes about it so they can ruin it. Just in case, you know, his discussion with Catwoman failed to cast doubt on the entire thing.
Is Hush implying that Batman and Nightwing engage in anal sex? Because if he is, I need another break.
Nightwing says, "Joker jokes. Riddler riddles. But Hush? You never shut the hell up." That's pretty clever! I bet he thought it up weeks ago and kept bothering Damian about it. "Hey, Damian. Want to hear what I'm going to say to Hush next time we fight? Come on. You know you want to hear it. Stop playing Cheese Viking for a second and listen to this! It's hilarious!"
Hush and Nightwing wind up falling through Superman's malfunctioning lightning door. They wind up in The Betwixt which isn't as delicious as it sounds. It's filled with people with no faces who fell between the cracks of the real world. They're called the Gone Men and they hate people with personalities. Man, I would be public enemy number one in The Betwixt!
Hush learns Nightwing's identity and then reveals that he's changed his face to look like Dick Grayson. Mostly because the Joker showed up at his doorstep one day sobbing over Batman getting married to somebody else. During their chat, Joker couldn't resist telling Hush to be more like Dick Grayson if he ever wants to get into Batman's pants. There's a lot of homoerotic overtones to this story.
Hush winds up disappearing into The Betwixt where he probably belongs, being that it's a place where people who don't know who they are or how they fit in wind up. But Nightwing is saved by Batman and then has that awkward conversation with the groom of an upcoming wedding where you have to ask, "What the fuck do you mean I'm not your best man?!"
Rating: Once again, Seeley knows these characters enough to write a nice little compact story that highlights their relationships. In the first one, Joker fucks with Ra's to try to get him to convince Damian that he's going to be lost and ignored because of Batman's new relationship. It doesn't work because Damian doesn't mind confronting people instead of stewing and pouting and plotting. In this one, Joker fucks with Hush so that Hush will get Nightwing to doubt how close he really is to Batman. But Nightwing is the most giving and sacrificing character in the DC universe, confident of his place in Batman's life. When Dick and Bruce speak at the end, Dick mentions how moving to Blüdhaven wasn't meant to put distance between them but to just allow Nightwing to flourish without needing the safety net. I like to think that this is a slight allusion to Wolfman's 80s New Titans where Dick was a whiny fucking brat who absolutely created tension with Batman in his need to break their ties. Man how I hated that Dick Grayson!
Hush and Nightwing wind up falling through Superman's malfunctioning lightning door. They wind up in The Betwixt which isn't as delicious as it sounds. It's filled with people with no faces who fell between the cracks of the real world. They're called the Gone Men and they hate people with personalities. Man, I would be public enemy number one in The Betwixt!
Hush learns Nightwing's identity and then reveals that he's changed his face to look like Dick Grayson. Mostly because the Joker showed up at his doorstep one day sobbing over Batman getting married to somebody else. During their chat, Joker couldn't resist telling Hush to be more like Dick Grayson if he ever wants to get into Batman's pants. There's a lot of homoerotic overtones to this story.
Hush winds up disappearing into The Betwixt where he probably belongs, being that it's a place where people who don't know who they are or how they fit in wind up. But Nightwing is saved by Batman and then has that awkward conversation with the groom of an upcoming wedding where you have to ask, "What the fuck do you mean I'm not your best man?!"
Rating: Once again, Seeley knows these characters enough to write a nice little compact story that highlights their relationships. In the first one, Joker fucks with Ra's to try to get him to convince Damian that he's going to be lost and ignored because of Batman's new relationship. It doesn't work because Damian doesn't mind confronting people instead of stewing and pouting and plotting. In this one, Joker fucks with Hush so that Hush will get Nightwing to doubt how close he really is to Batman. But Nightwing is the most giving and sacrificing character in the DC universe, confident of his place in Batman's life. When Dick and Bruce speak at the end, Dick mentions how moving to Blüdhaven wasn't meant to put distance between them but to just allow Nightwing to flourish without needing the safety net. I like to think that this is a slight allusion to Wolfman's 80s New Titans where Dick was a whiny fucking brat who absolutely created tension with Batman in his need to break their ties. Man how I hated that Dick Grayson!
* * * * * * * * * *
Batgirl vs the Riddler #1
By Seeley, Jung, Marzan Jr., and Bellaire
The Joker has now given Riddler an assignment: make Batgirl feel like an old maid. I don't know how that's going to ruin Batman and Catwoman's marriage but then I'm terrible at riddles. Remember that old childhood riddle, "What two letters stop a car from going?" I thought the answer was "F U." I was always a rebellious kid!
That's a lie. I was actually what you might call an autistic kid. I sat and stared at walls until somebody did something I couldn't abide and then I'd throw the mother of all tantrums. But this was in the 70s so I've never been diagnosed with anything but "being stubborn" and "acting like an asshole." I'm so pissed. Just think about all the great medication I could have been doing in the 80s!
Do autistic kids get medication? Or do they just get vaccines? Brazinga!
I don't know who I just brazinga'd in that joke but I'm hoping it was the idiots who think vaccines cause autism. At least if I brazinga'd autistic kids, they won't notice.
I guess if you think vaccines cause autism, I'm joking about a serious subject and it wasn't very funny. And if you're smart and not a complete idiot, I was making fun of anti-vaxxers.
"Can we get to the comic review, Grunion Asshole?" rudely asked some person I imagine is actually reading this. "Fuck you! I'm being my best me!" I respond charmingly before getting straight to the comic review.
By Seeley, Jung, Marzan Jr., and Bellaire
The Joker has now given Riddler an assignment: make Batgirl feel like an old maid. I don't know how that's going to ruin Batman and Catwoman's marriage but then I'm terrible at riddles. Remember that old childhood riddle, "What two letters stop a car from going?" I thought the answer was "F U." I was always a rebellious kid!
That's a lie. I was actually what you might call an autistic kid. I sat and stared at walls until somebody did something I couldn't abide and then I'd throw the mother of all tantrums. But this was in the 70s so I've never been diagnosed with anything but "being stubborn" and "acting like an asshole." I'm so pissed. Just think about all the great medication I could have been doing in the 80s!
Do autistic kids get medication? Or do they just get vaccines? Brazinga!
I don't know who I just brazinga'd in that joke but I'm hoping it was the idiots who think vaccines cause autism. At least if I brazinga'd autistic kids, they won't notice.
I guess if you think vaccines cause autism, I'm joking about a serious subject and it wasn't very funny. And if you're smart and not a complete idiot, I was making fun of anti-vaxxers.
"Can we get to the comic review, Grunion Asshole?" rudely asked some person I imagine is actually reading this. "Fuck you! I'm being my best me!" I respond charmingly before getting straight to the comic review.
See? Just Batfamily and Justice Leaguers. Black Canary isn't either.
Hey, young people? Can you not use "talking" as a euphemism for "fucking"? Because I'm really getting confused and inappropriately horny listening to innocent conversations.
Not that Batgirl is fucking! As we learned from Batgirl's Diary, she's totally a virgin. A super hot virgin who loves one specific Bat-toy.
Batgirl defeats Riddler's riddles in record time which leads to Batman not praising her because he'll probably never know about it anyway. But her being super smart wasn't the point. I mean, it kind of was the point in that Riddler was playing with the idea that maybe he could love somebody as smart as he is. And if Catwoman can find love in the Bat-family, why not Edward Nygma?
In the end, Batgirl turns him down and decides to call up Nightwing to see about losing this thing she's been carrying around for years.
Rating: I'm not sure Tim Seeley could really find a good theme to focus on Batgirl so, since she's the girl in the Bat-family, her story had to be about finding love. What else motivates women?! Heck if I know! It's not like it could be the same things that motivate men, could it? Oh man. Could it?!
Not that Batgirl is fucking! As we learned from Batgirl's Diary, she's totally a virgin. A super hot virgin who loves one specific Bat-toy.
Batgirl defeats Riddler's riddles in record time which leads to Batman not praising her because he'll probably never know about it anyway. But her being super smart wasn't the point. I mean, it kind of was the point in that Riddler was playing with the idea that maybe he could love somebody as smart as he is. And if Catwoman can find love in the Bat-family, why not Edward Nygma?
In the end, Batgirl turns him down and decides to call up Nightwing to see about losing this thing she's been carrying around for years.
Rating: I'm not sure Tim Seeley could really find a good theme to focus on Batgirl so, since she's the girl in the Bat-family, her story had to be about finding love. What else motivates women?! Heck if I know! It's not like it could be the same things that motivate men, could it? Oh man. Could it?!
* * * * * * * * * *
Red Hood vs Anarky #1
By Seeley, Fernandez, and Kalisz
You know what "Prelude to the Wedding" is? It's "Death of the Family" done better. Here we have a story where the Joker is trying to sow discord and mistrust among the members of the Bat-family. He's trying to ruin Batman's life by making the people who love him turn on him. That's the same story as "Death of the Family." But whereas the Joker succeeded in "Death of the Family" in a way that didn't really have any lasting impact and so it wasn't, ultimately, a fulfilling story, the Joker is failing in this version. Which is how it should have been in Snyder's story! The drama in Snyder's "Death of the Family" was at WB levels. Characters are told something they didn't want to hear from the source to be least trusted and yet they believe it and go off with their feelings hurt. The Bat-family should be above that bullshit. Especially when it's the Joker telling them the things they don't want to hear. "Prelude to the Wedding" is basically the same premise except we have the Bat-family acting the way they should. They're just not buying it. I mean, it seems like maybe Catwoman bought into it in Batman #49. But then she isn't really part of the Bat-family. She can still have doubts that she won't be accepted or that she's not worthy of Batman's love because of her past. But Nightwing turning on Batman? Stupid. Damian? Ridiculous. Batgirl? Well, maybe, if he got creepy on her or something. And Jason Todd? Well, okay. That guy is a psycho.
If I had typed that sentence on tumblr — Jason Todd is a psycho — I would have gotten at least five serious and legitimate death threats.
This is the first Jason Todd story in quite some time that I'm not hating before I've even opened the cover. That's because Tim Seeley is a better writer than most. Usually Red Hood is written by Scott Lobdell so I've developed quite a bias against the character. Which isn't fair to Jason Todd. But since he's fictional, I don't give a shit. I'm no real fan of the current Anarky either. I suppose he's Jason Todd's foil because they have similar beliefs about justice. That means Jason Todd will have a tough time rationalizing his own actions in the name of justice when he watches a douchebag like Anarky do some of the same things.
The best way to begin questioning one's own beliefs is to see somebody you despise or look down upon express the same beliefs.
The issue begins with Catwoman and her friends at the bachelorette party. Most people would not have a problem with this but I'm seriously angry at Tim Seeley now. "Why?" you ask naively and innocently and void of the anger and trauma from having read dozens of books by Ann Nocenti. Oh, I guess the way I wrote that sentence answers the question. It's because the first character to speak is Alice Tesla which reminds me of all the built-up anger and trauma from having read dozens of books by Ann Nocenti. But it's good Tim Seeley remembered to include her because I've always thought she could be a great character if somebody with any writing chops at all got the chance to work with her.
Jason Todd is also at the bachelorette party because Batman asked him to spy on Catwoman. He pretends he's asking Todd to simply keep an eye on her in case there's trouble but Todd knows right away what Batman really wants: photos of Catwoman going down on Poison Ivy while Harley Quinn stands over them pissing. I just made that image up off the top of my head and haven't been thinking of it for years at all.
By Seeley, Fernandez, and Kalisz
You know what "Prelude to the Wedding" is? It's "Death of the Family" done better. Here we have a story where the Joker is trying to sow discord and mistrust among the members of the Bat-family. He's trying to ruin Batman's life by making the people who love him turn on him. That's the same story as "Death of the Family." But whereas the Joker succeeded in "Death of the Family" in a way that didn't really have any lasting impact and so it wasn't, ultimately, a fulfilling story, the Joker is failing in this version. Which is how it should have been in Snyder's story! The drama in Snyder's "Death of the Family" was at WB levels. Characters are told something they didn't want to hear from the source to be least trusted and yet they believe it and go off with their feelings hurt. The Bat-family should be above that bullshit. Especially when it's the Joker telling them the things they don't want to hear. "Prelude to the Wedding" is basically the same premise except we have the Bat-family acting the way they should. They're just not buying it. I mean, it seems like maybe Catwoman bought into it in Batman #49. But then she isn't really part of the Bat-family. She can still have doubts that she won't be accepted or that she's not worthy of Batman's love because of her past. But Nightwing turning on Batman? Stupid. Damian? Ridiculous. Batgirl? Well, maybe, if he got creepy on her or something. And Jason Todd? Well, okay. That guy is a psycho.
If I had typed that sentence on tumblr — Jason Todd is a psycho — I would have gotten at least five serious and legitimate death threats.
This is the first Jason Todd story in quite some time that I'm not hating before I've even opened the cover. That's because Tim Seeley is a better writer than most. Usually Red Hood is written by Scott Lobdell so I've developed quite a bias against the character. Which isn't fair to Jason Todd. But since he's fictional, I don't give a shit. I'm no real fan of the current Anarky either. I suppose he's Jason Todd's foil because they have similar beliefs about justice. That means Jason Todd will have a tough time rationalizing his own actions in the name of justice when he watches a douchebag like Anarky do some of the same things.
The best way to begin questioning one's own beliefs is to see somebody you despise or look down upon express the same beliefs.
The issue begins with Catwoman and her friends at the bachelorette party. Most people would not have a problem with this but I'm seriously angry at Tim Seeley now. "Why?" you ask naively and innocently and void of the anger and trauma from having read dozens of books by Ann Nocenti. Oh, I guess the way I wrote that sentence answers the question. It's because the first character to speak is Alice Tesla which reminds me of all the built-up anger and trauma from having read dozens of books by Ann Nocenti. But it's good Tim Seeley remembered to include her because I've always thought she could be a great character if somebody with any writing chops at all got the chance to work with her.
Jason Todd is also at the bachelorette party because Batman asked him to spy on Catwoman. He pretends he's asking Todd to simply keep an eye on her in case there's trouble but Todd knows right away what Batman really wants: photos of Catwoman going down on Poison Ivy while Harley Quinn stands over them pissing. I just made that image up off the top of my head and haven't been thinking of it for years at all.
So according to Bizarro, his sensors haven't picked up something interesting? I'm confused!
So I'm guessing Bizarro no longer says the opposite of what he means. Probably because this is a Lex Luthor clone and not the actual Bizarro from Bizarro World. And also probably because Scott Lobdell forgot that Bizarro's main characteristic was speaking in antonyms. Also don't correct me and tell me the exact reason why Bizarro doesn't speak like Bizarro because I'll just make fun of you for reading Scott Lobdell's Red Hood book.
If Tim Seeley were here, I'd hug him because I'm fairly certain that he's making fun of Scott Lobdell's writing in the following panels:
If Tim Seeley were here, I'd hug him because I'm fairly certain that he's making fun of Scott Lobdell's writing in the following panels:
If you weren't parodying Lobdell, I apologize for comparing you to him, Mr. Seeley.
Another reason I feel like Seeley is parodying Lobdell's writing is by the way he introduced Jason Todd. No, he didn't have Todd narration box "My name is Jason Todd. I was once killed by the Joker. Now I'm back to kick ass and chew gum. And I'm really into ass." But it's close! He does the other thing Lobdell and hack writers who think they're hilarious do! He introduces the character with the following text: "Jason Todd. Former Robin. Formerly murdered. Current Red Hood."
Remember that Swamp Thing event, Rotworld? Remember how all the characters who were being written by terrible writers at the time were the ones who were infected by The Rot? That was one of the best and most subtle digs at the terrible writers working at DC. I still think about it and applaud.
Jason Todd and Anarky fight. Afterwards, Todd listens to Anarky discuss his daddy issues. Then Batman reminds Jason Todd that he failed because Catwoman saw Todd. And Jason Todd gets to have that moment where he sees somebody he despises or looks down upon express his own feelings and sentiments so that he can think, "Is that what I'm like? Ugh. No way. I'm going to be better."
Remember that Swamp Thing event, Rotworld? Remember how all the characters who were being written by terrible writers at the time were the ones who were infected by The Rot? That was one of the best and most subtle digs at the terrible writers working at DC. I still think about it and applaud.
Jason Todd and Anarky fight. Afterwards, Todd listens to Anarky discuss his daddy issues. Then Batman reminds Jason Todd that he failed because Catwoman saw Todd. And Jason Todd gets to have that moment where he sees somebody he despises or looks down upon express his own feelings and sentiments so that he can think, "Is that what I'm like? Ugh. No way. I'm going to be better."
And this is where I, once again, remind everybody that I'm a Goddamned Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Bam!
Rating: Another good chapter in the "Prelude to the Wedding." It's writers like Tim Seeley who make me wonder how so many other comic book writers have jobs. Can't DC and Marvel tell the difference between terrible writers and great writers? Or do they just not care because fans will read any piece of shit story as long as their favorite character appears in the comic? And, you know, there are a lot of Jason Todd fans willing to read Lobdell's stories.
* * * * * * * * * *
Harley Quinn vs The Joker #1
By Seeley, Basri, and Kholinne
I guess I ran out of things to say because I just sat down and read this one straight through without writing a bunch of digressions while trying to write about the comic book.
Rating: Harley Quinn tries to tell Joker that their relationship was terrible and she was glad to be out of it. Her terrible relationship is one reason she wants to see Batman and Catwoman happily married. So she tries her best to keep Joker occupied by killing him. It doesn't work. The Joker gets away to go cause the havoc he causes in Batman #48 and 49. Which means I read these in the wrong order, I guess! Stupid comic book stack. Can't it stay in the proper order?!
I don't have any insight into the theme of this issue because I think it has something to do with love and relationships and what do I know about those things?! What am I, a Kay Jewelers commercial?! I think the main thrust of the story is that relationships are terrible and they never work out. So Batman and Catwoman would be lucky to have Joker shit all over Batman's wedding and maybe even fuck the cake. If that's not the takeaway then tell me why nobody in the DC Universe has a happy marriage?! Hell, any marriage, happy or otherwise! And you can't point to Lois and Clark because they're from the Pre-Crisis DC Universe when people were allowed to get married. Post Crisis, if you were married, you either got divorced or a divorcee of some other hero travels along a phone line and lands inside your brain, killing you instantly and causing hundreds of people to instantly hate the name Brad Meltzer.
By Seeley, Basri, and Kholinne
I guess I ran out of things to say because I just sat down and read this one straight through without writing a bunch of digressions while trying to write about the comic book.
Rating: Harley Quinn tries to tell Joker that their relationship was terrible and she was glad to be out of it. Her terrible relationship is one reason she wants to see Batman and Catwoman happily married. So she tries her best to keep Joker occupied by killing him. It doesn't work. The Joker gets away to go cause the havoc he causes in Batman #48 and 49. Which means I read these in the wrong order, I guess! Stupid comic book stack. Can't it stay in the proper order?!
I don't have any insight into the theme of this issue because I think it has something to do with love and relationships and what do I know about those things?! What am I, a Kay Jewelers commercial?! I think the main thrust of the story is that relationships are terrible and they never work out. So Batman and Catwoman would be lucky to have Joker shit all over Batman's wedding and maybe even fuck the cake. If that's not the takeaway then tell me why nobody in the DC Universe has a happy marriage?! Hell, any marriage, happy or otherwise! And you can't point to Lois and Clark because they're from the Pre-Crisis DC Universe when people were allowed to get married. Post Crisis, if you were married, you either got divorced or a divorcee of some other hero travels along a phone line and lands inside your brain, killing you instantly and causing hundreds of people to instantly hate the name Brad Meltzer.
* * * * * * * * * *
Batman #50
By King, Janin, and Chung
By King, Janin, and Chung
Why is this an anniversary issue? Does DC not know how years work? Or weddings?
I can't wait to get to the end of this comic book and think, "Well, that's that! Batman and Catwoman are now happily married and will be until one of them dies in a horrible bat-boating accident!" I'm overjoyed for them, taking this romantic step into a gloriously joyous future laced with dozens of annoying bat and cat babies! I hope Batcow gets to be the ring bearer!
The Joker has been trying to stop this wedding in every way he knows how because he wasn't invited. The big dumb-dumb should have just purchased a copy of this comic book like I did! It says I'm cordially invited right there on the cover! What does "cordially" mean, anyway? Doesn't it mean "injected with alcohol"?
The Joker has been trying to stop this wedding in every way he knows how because he wasn't invited. The big dumb-dumb should have just purchased a copy of this comic book like I did! It says I'm cordially invited right there on the cover! What does "cordially" mean, anyway? Doesn't it mean "injected with alcohol"?
Fact: Snickers' vampires grow their canine teeth in the wrong place. No wait. The fact is the artist of this piece is a dolt.
The story begins with Kite Man getting the crap kicked out of him by Batman and Catwoman because Tom King's hard on for Kite Man is legendary. It's so big and thick and veiny! I wonder what part of Kite Man Tom King likes best? Is it the kite part? Or the man part?
Batman and Catwoman decide to get married on the blood spot where Kite Man was defeated at the break of day. Because that's when bats and cats are most horny. It might also be the place least likely to have a Joker ruin it.
"Isn't it 'the' Joker, Grunion Guy?" you probably aren't now asking. But if you were, I might have to remind you that there are three Jokers in the DC Universe. Nobody has really elaborated on that too much. Maybe nobody was ever meant to. Perhaps it's just an easy way for DC editors to answer huge nerd critics of their comics.
Huge Nerd Critic: "How come the Joker wasn't acting like he usually do...."
DC Editor: "THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! CHRIST YOU NERDS ARE GETTING ON MY LAST TIT!"
Batman finds a judge for the marriage ceremony. His name is Wolfman and he's known as the Raping Judge. Not because he's into rape! That's a terrible thought and nobody should think it. It's because he's named after Marv Wolfman who is totally into rape.
Catwoman's witness for the marriage (her and Batman each get to bring one) is Holly Robinson. Not the Holly Robinson of 21 Jumpstreet fame (is she still famous for that? Or is she famous for marrying Barry Sanders?!) but the one that murdered all of those people who Catwoman was blamed for murdering. She has to break her out of Arkham for the experience. Batman should be totally cool with that and definitely won't be thinking, "What the hell?! How many times do I have to tell her, 'No crime! Bad kitty! You're going to be punished for sure!'?" Then he'll think about her whip and smirk a bit and think, "Oh yeah. I see why she keeps doing crime now."
If you read that last paragraph and began developing a hot take on what I'm not saying around the words I am saying, just stop now. I'm just reporting what Batman was probably thinking. I'm not agreeing with his need to control Catwoman's thoughts and actions! That's all Bruce Wayne, baby!
The issue is made up of a lot of pin-ups by various artists. Laid out over the pin-ups are Batman and Catwoman's words. They're probably their vows but since I'm not done reading, that's just a guess. Anyway, the layout, where everything is kind of a mirror of the opposite page, is pure Tom King which probably pissed off all the Tom King haters. "He's just repeating everything in that way that means nothing except he's trying to be smarter than us! Why the fuck does he have to use form?! And tones?! And theme!? What's wrong with Batman punching stuff for eight pages straight?! So obnoxious!"
I began this review with the joke that the wedding obviously won't work out. This is comic books. Everybody read that initial paragraph and rolled their eyes and thought, "Yeah. We know this is a huge farce. It's going to end in disaster." But how many of you thought, "Grunion Guy probably really means what he's writing here. He wants to see Batman married and happy! The big fag." First off, such language! We all stopped using that word in 2008! I mean 1989! Come on, imaginary reader. Be better! Second, I did mean it. I do mean it. I really hope that Tom King surprises us and he allows Batman and Catwoman to be happily married. Why not for as long as he's writing this book? Why can't they have part of their middle story be one where they get the joy of being together? Who is that going to harm?!
So now you know my secret. No, not that I'm a big fag! Sheesh. You people are terrible. I mean, yeah, that's my secret! But I wouldn't word it that way, you gross jerks. I also wouldn't word it as I'm a little girly girl pussy baby girl butt. I would say I'm a modern man who accepted during college that he loved Sailor Moon in the most innocent and emotional way a man can love a fourteen year old girl cartoon character and who only hid that the show made him weep uncontrollably for ten years, give or take a few.
Selina and Bruce have their big wedding kiss in the exact middle of the book which can't be a good sign for how it's going to end. I mean, they haven't had the wedding yet! They just get all dressed up and then meet, right in the middle, right there on the staples (okay, not exactly because the staples come the page before. But I blame an error in the layout of the advertisements. I see what you were trying to do, Tom King. I got you!). The big loving embrace. The big kiss in their wedding finery. The moment they knew was coming. And hopefully not the last moment they were happy. Don't you dare, Tom King, with your shitty mirror image storytelling that everybody hates (I mean, not me! Just the dumb critics!) . . . don't you dare do that mirror thing with this story. Don't you begin hopeful, get to a middle that's the peak of happiness, and then descend into chaos, despair, and destruction! DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT, TOM KING!
Batman and Catwoman decide to get married on the blood spot where Kite Man was defeated at the break of day. Because that's when bats and cats are most horny. It might also be the place least likely to have a Joker ruin it.
"Isn't it 'the' Joker, Grunion Guy?" you probably aren't now asking. But if you were, I might have to remind you that there are three Jokers in the DC Universe. Nobody has really elaborated on that too much. Maybe nobody was ever meant to. Perhaps it's just an easy way for DC editors to answer huge nerd critics of their comics.
Huge Nerd Critic: "How come the Joker wasn't acting like he usually do...."
DC Editor: "THERE ARE THREE OF THEM! CHRIST YOU NERDS ARE GETTING ON MY LAST TIT!"
Batman finds a judge for the marriage ceremony. His name is Wolfman and he's known as the Raping Judge. Not because he's into rape! That's a terrible thought and nobody should think it. It's because he's named after Marv Wolfman who is totally into rape.
Catwoman's witness for the marriage (her and Batman each get to bring one) is Holly Robinson. Not the Holly Robinson of 21 Jumpstreet fame (is she still famous for that? Or is she famous for marrying Barry Sanders?!) but the one that murdered all of those people who Catwoman was blamed for murdering. She has to break her out of Arkham for the experience. Batman should be totally cool with that and definitely won't be thinking, "What the hell?! How many times do I have to tell her, 'No crime! Bad kitty! You're going to be punished for sure!'?" Then he'll think about her whip and smirk a bit and think, "Oh yeah. I see why she keeps doing crime now."
If you read that last paragraph and began developing a hot take on what I'm not saying around the words I am saying, just stop now. I'm just reporting what Batman was probably thinking. I'm not agreeing with his need to control Catwoman's thoughts and actions! That's all Bruce Wayne, baby!
The issue is made up of a lot of pin-ups by various artists. Laid out over the pin-ups are Batman and Catwoman's words. They're probably their vows but since I'm not done reading, that's just a guess. Anyway, the layout, where everything is kind of a mirror of the opposite page, is pure Tom King which probably pissed off all the Tom King haters. "He's just repeating everything in that way that means nothing except he's trying to be smarter than us! Why the fuck does he have to use form?! And tones?! And theme!? What's wrong with Batman punching stuff for eight pages straight?! So obnoxious!"
I began this review with the joke that the wedding obviously won't work out. This is comic books. Everybody read that initial paragraph and rolled their eyes and thought, "Yeah. We know this is a huge farce. It's going to end in disaster." But how many of you thought, "Grunion Guy probably really means what he's writing here. He wants to see Batman married and happy! The big fag." First off, such language! We all stopped using that word in 2008! I mean 1989! Come on, imaginary reader. Be better! Second, I did mean it. I do mean it. I really hope that Tom King surprises us and he allows Batman and Catwoman to be happily married. Why not for as long as he's writing this book? Why can't they have part of their middle story be one where they get the joy of being together? Who is that going to harm?!
So now you know my secret. No, not that I'm a big fag! Sheesh. You people are terrible. I mean, yeah, that's my secret! But I wouldn't word it that way, you gross jerks. I also wouldn't word it as I'm a little girly girl pussy baby girl butt. I would say I'm a modern man who accepted during college that he loved Sailor Moon in the most innocent and emotional way a man can love a fourteen year old girl cartoon character and who only hid that the show made him weep uncontrollably for ten years, give or take a few.
Selina and Bruce have their big wedding kiss in the exact middle of the book which can't be a good sign for how it's going to end. I mean, they haven't had the wedding yet! They just get all dressed up and then meet, right in the middle, right there on the staples (okay, not exactly because the staples come the page before. But I blame an error in the layout of the advertisements. I see what you were trying to do, Tom King. I got you!). The big loving embrace. The big kiss in their wedding finery. The moment they knew was coming. And hopefully not the last moment they were happy. Don't you dare, Tom King, with your shitty mirror image storytelling that everybody hates (I mean, not me! Just the dumb critics!) . . . don't you dare do that mirror thing with this story. Don't you begin hopeful, get to a middle that's the peak of happiness, and then descend into chaos, despair, and destruction! DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT, TOM KING!
This is the page immediately after the big kiss (and the pin-ups, of course! Every two page spread of story is followed by two pages of pin-ups and wedding vows). Things are already tumbling down the story's climactic peak!
Of course Alfred is Batman's witness. Even Alfred knew it would be him but he was too polite to assume so he still gets emotional when Bruce asks him. Or, rather, casually tells him like it's no big deal.
On the subject of the pin-ups: they tell the story of Batman and Catwoman across DC's history. It even feels like, in many cases, they use artists chronologically along the way (there are obvious places where this doesn't hold up. But it, mostly, feels fairly close to the mark). They even eventually get to the New 52 on the roof sex scene, and the recent double date with Clark and Lois. It's really quite sweet.
The wedding vows have a lot to do with one partner's thoughts on the other partner's eyes. It's romantic but not in that way that makes me think, "Oh boy! At the end of these vows, they're going to declare their undying love for each other!" The tone feels more like they'll cause me to exclaim, "Oh no! It sounds like they're both reaching the conclusion that maybe they shouldn't get married! But they'll still probably keep up the tradition of fucking on rooftops!"
Also, I'm nearing the end and not a single whiff of Batcow.
As Selina and Holly head to the wedding, Selina mentions that she's currently writing Batman a letter. So that's what the "vows" have been. Her letter. And Batman's letter to her (I'm assuming on the next page which I have yet to read, he'll confess to Alfred that he's also been working on a letter!). Both of which, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, seem to be heading to the conclusion that neither one will want to go through with the marriage because they feel it will go against, and possibly change, the very nature of the other person. So. You know. Shit.
And so, Selina declares, in her letter, that she can't marry Batman because it will kill him. And Bruce declares in his letter, that maybe he can become somebody happy. Maybe he can change. Which isn't exactly what I expected. I thought they would both agree. So, at least, Tom King surprised me on that level. And, apparently, that was the point since Holly goes back to Arkham to discover Bane and a bunch of other people who have been highlighted in Tom King's run (along with Poorly Shaved Batman. I don't remember if that's somebody or if that's Batman and this is all a hallucination of some kind or maybe Tom King is speaking through Bane or maybe...well, I don't know!). Bane says, "The Bat is broken," (which is a terrific pun that somebody once thought up and now Batman writers can't stop using!).
Rating: I guess giving Batman hope that he can be happy and then taking it away is supposed to break Batman? But isn't the whole point that Batman's unhappiness and grim misery and obsession over justice are the only things keeping him Batman? Won't this devastating loss just make him even more Batmanier?! Or do the members of Batman's rogue's gallery all believe he's going to become a pouting emo baby for the next few months? A total pushover which they can take advantage of?! Anyway, it was a good story well told. The only flaw was that the staples were off by one page. Stupid layout editor! Somebody should fire whoever's job it was to place the ads!
On the subject of the pin-ups: they tell the story of Batman and Catwoman across DC's history. It even feels like, in many cases, they use artists chronologically along the way (there are obvious places where this doesn't hold up. But it, mostly, feels fairly close to the mark). They even eventually get to the New 52 on the roof sex scene, and the recent double date with Clark and Lois. It's really quite sweet.
The wedding vows have a lot to do with one partner's thoughts on the other partner's eyes. It's romantic but not in that way that makes me think, "Oh boy! At the end of these vows, they're going to declare their undying love for each other!" The tone feels more like they'll cause me to exclaim, "Oh no! It sounds like they're both reaching the conclusion that maybe they shouldn't get married! But they'll still probably keep up the tradition of fucking on rooftops!"
Also, I'm nearing the end and not a single whiff of Batcow.
As Selina and Holly head to the wedding, Selina mentions that she's currently writing Batman a letter. So that's what the "vows" have been. Her letter. And Batman's letter to her (I'm assuming on the next page which I have yet to read, he'll confess to Alfred that he's also been working on a letter!). Both of which, as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, seem to be heading to the conclusion that neither one will want to go through with the marriage because they feel it will go against, and possibly change, the very nature of the other person. So. You know. Shit.
And so, Selina declares, in her letter, that she can't marry Batman because it will kill him. And Bruce declares in his letter, that maybe he can become somebody happy. Maybe he can change. Which isn't exactly what I expected. I thought they would both agree. So, at least, Tom King surprised me on that level. And, apparently, that was the point since Holly goes back to Arkham to discover Bane and a bunch of other people who have been highlighted in Tom King's run (along with Poorly Shaved Batman. I don't remember if that's somebody or if that's Batman and this is all a hallucination of some kind or maybe Tom King is speaking through Bane or maybe...well, I don't know!). Bane says, "The Bat is broken," (which is a terrific pun that somebody once thought up and now Batman writers can't stop using!).
Rating: I guess giving Batman hope that he can be happy and then taking it away is supposed to break Batman? But isn't the whole point that Batman's unhappiness and grim misery and obsession over justice are the only things keeping him Batman? Won't this devastating loss just make him even more Batmanier?! Or do the members of Batman's rogue's gallery all believe he's going to become a pouting emo baby for the next few months? A total pushover which they can take advantage of?! Anyway, it was a good story well told. The only flaw was that the staples were off by one page. Stupid layout editor! Somebody should fire whoever's job it was to place the ads!
* * * * * * * * * *
LETTERS TO ME!
LETTERS TO ME!
Upright writes: “Do I like Elfquest?”
Rolls up sleeve.
“I think so.”
No story needs to be told once the reveal is done. That’s why Han’s story should have just been left alone; we knew enough!
I reply: Why are you rolling up your sleeves when answering the Elfquest question? Do you have to show off your massive guns even in an email response? So narcissistic.
Most comic book writers get that "no story needs to be told once the reveal is done" bit so wrong they should probably be marched up against a wall and shot. I mean that figuratively and not Milo Yiannopoulosly! Why would somebody who begins a story in the middle of the action only to revert to the start of the story that nobody now cares about two pages later need to be shot? Other than to satisfy my own dark whims and thirst for innocent blood?
That Solo didn't need to be a film seems so obvious that it obviously had to be a film. People are so thirsty for ignoring the reality around them that they'll lap up any entertainment that gives them more details of a fictional character whose story has already been told. I knew nothing of the plot of Solo when I walked into the movie theater. I was flabbergasted (for me, that means I was slightly surprised. It's hard to get my emotional train moving) that it was telling the Kessel run story. I am not against telling early Han Solo stories. But telling that story was simply to jerk off the fan base. "Oooh! Oooh! I remember when he said that parsec thing about that mission! Fuck yeah Han Solo! Yaaaaaaas! This is everything! And we also get the story about how he won the Millennium Falcon except it in no way matches with Empire! Woo hoo! And the woman he loved knew he was a good guy right from the start! I guess he's always been such a pushover and he's so ethical and moral and heroic but in a rebellious and disagreeable way! And did you notice how he shot Woody first and then Woody commended him on shooting first?! That's where he learned to know when murder is okay and why we can embrace his shooting Greedo first! I can't believe how much cum I now have in my underwear!"
Now, I didn't hate Solo. I enjoyed it. But you can still roll your eyes five million times during a movie while still touching yourself during all of Chewbacca's scenes. It's just that the movie was a huge missed opportunity (in my eyes, of course! I know what the new controllers of the Star Wars franchise are up to. They made the message clear in Rogue One. They are fans of the Star Wars universe who are going to tell stories that revolve around the most minute details which they want to fix. "Can you believe the Death Star had such a huge flaw in its design? Me either! Let's make an entire movie to make that believable! And are you also tired of hearing people complain about the parsecs line as if it's a measurement of time when we all know how to counter that argument but let's make it into a film to shut them up!" (Again, I know I have to state this because people think "being critical" equals "hated the thing" so here it goes: I really liked Rogue One even though it was a story that didn't need to be told).
Solo should have been a one shot story that had nothing to do with the overall Star Wars continuity. If I wrote it, I would have revealed that Han often shoots first in situations that don't always call for it, getting him in more trouble than he'd otherwise have been in. I'd have written in a part for young Lando because Donald Glover as Lando is the best casting call of the Common Era. But he'd have already lost the Falcon to Han and he'd probably be quite a bit butt hurt over it and maybe he'd fuck Chewbacca in a ten minute graphic sex scene. Somewhere in the movie, Han would make up the lie about the Kessel run to save his hide and use it enough times that he realizes it's a good line to drop to line up jobs and get more pussy. And it would definitely not reveal that Han Solo single-handedly kick started the rebellion when he was fifteen years old. Or however old he was supposed to be.
Of course if I were in charge, I probably would have also had Han use a whip in one scene and then wink at the camera. The franchise is almost certainly in better hands than mine.
Back to the initial point though (sometimes I find my way back. Other times I just think I have and proclaim that I'm doing that but I'm really not back to it. I can't tell you which kind of time this is), I'm mostly against telling stories that simply fill in the details on stories that have begun in the middle. There's a delicate balance between beginning a story in the middle and fleshing out the character by revealing things that we weren't privy to before the story began and simply restarting a story that began in the middle so that the entire story can be told in a linear fashion. Look at it this way: is the Star Wars universe better off because we got the prequels? Fuck no! Now we have to live in a world where every clone was basically Boba Fett's dad. Also Boba Fett was Boba Fett's dad. Gross.
What I'm trying to say is if you know more about the Star Wars universe than can be remembered after one viewing of half the movies, you're a fucking nerd. And I mean nerd as an old school insult and not in the cool way popular and good looking people like to giggle and say, "I'm such a huge nerd!" Fuck you, you cultural appropriators! You don't know what it's like to never get laid in high school because you were busy jerking off to that one panel where you could see some serious Phoenix side boob! And also the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. So sexy!
Upright replied to himself: Oh wait! He said “You tell me,” didn’t he?
I reply: Holy shit. Okay. Now I know why you mentioned that Elfquest bit.
Awesome Virgin: "Do I like Elfquest?"
Awesome Virgin: *rolls up sleeve to show Elfquest tattoo*
Awesome Virgin: "You tell me."
I had completely forgotten about that! And the "I think so" misremember didn't help me remember! I don't remember where this happened though. Was it in that terrible panel at Comicon about the Elfquest movie where Marv Wolfman didn't announce but was probably thinking about the rape scene he was almost certainly going to introduce into the story? Man, what a shit panel. Speaking of questioning one's beliefs due to seeing somebody you despise or look down upon express those beliefs: that day, I begin hating Elfquest after seeing other Elfquest fans in person.
Rolls up sleeve.
“I think so.”
No story needs to be told once the reveal is done. That’s why Han’s story should have just been left alone; we knew enough!
I reply: Why are you rolling up your sleeves when answering the Elfquest question? Do you have to show off your massive guns even in an email response? So narcissistic.
Most comic book writers get that "no story needs to be told once the reveal is done" bit so wrong they should probably be marched up against a wall and shot. I mean that figuratively and not Milo Yiannopoulosly! Why would somebody who begins a story in the middle of the action only to revert to the start of the story that nobody now cares about two pages later need to be shot? Other than to satisfy my own dark whims and thirst for innocent blood?
That Solo didn't need to be a film seems so obvious that it obviously had to be a film. People are so thirsty for ignoring the reality around them that they'll lap up any entertainment that gives them more details of a fictional character whose story has already been told. I knew nothing of the plot of Solo when I walked into the movie theater. I was flabbergasted (for me, that means I was slightly surprised. It's hard to get my emotional train moving) that it was telling the Kessel run story. I am not against telling early Han Solo stories. But telling that story was simply to jerk off the fan base. "Oooh! Oooh! I remember when he said that parsec thing about that mission! Fuck yeah Han Solo! Yaaaaaaas! This is everything! And we also get the story about how he won the Millennium Falcon except it in no way matches with Empire! Woo hoo! And the woman he loved knew he was a good guy right from the start! I guess he's always been such a pushover and he's so ethical and moral and heroic but in a rebellious and disagreeable way! And did you notice how he shot Woody first and then Woody commended him on shooting first?! That's where he learned to know when murder is okay and why we can embrace his shooting Greedo first! I can't believe how much cum I now have in my underwear!"
Now, I didn't hate Solo. I enjoyed it. But you can still roll your eyes five million times during a movie while still touching yourself during all of Chewbacca's scenes. It's just that the movie was a huge missed opportunity (in my eyes, of course! I know what the new controllers of the Star Wars franchise are up to. They made the message clear in Rogue One. They are fans of the Star Wars universe who are going to tell stories that revolve around the most minute details which they want to fix. "Can you believe the Death Star had such a huge flaw in its design? Me either! Let's make an entire movie to make that believable! And are you also tired of hearing people complain about the parsecs line as if it's a measurement of time when we all know how to counter that argument but let's make it into a film to shut them up!" (Again, I know I have to state this because people think "being critical" equals "hated the thing" so here it goes: I really liked Rogue One even though it was a story that didn't need to be told).
Solo should have been a one shot story that had nothing to do with the overall Star Wars continuity. If I wrote it, I would have revealed that Han often shoots first in situations that don't always call for it, getting him in more trouble than he'd otherwise have been in. I'd have written in a part for young Lando because Donald Glover as Lando is the best casting call of the Common Era. But he'd have already lost the Falcon to Han and he'd probably be quite a bit butt hurt over it and maybe he'd fuck Chewbacca in a ten minute graphic sex scene. Somewhere in the movie, Han would make up the lie about the Kessel run to save his hide and use it enough times that he realizes it's a good line to drop to line up jobs and get more pussy. And it would definitely not reveal that Han Solo single-handedly kick started the rebellion when he was fifteen years old. Or however old he was supposed to be.
Of course if I were in charge, I probably would have also had Han use a whip in one scene and then wink at the camera. The franchise is almost certainly in better hands than mine.
Back to the initial point though (sometimes I find my way back. Other times I just think I have and proclaim that I'm doing that but I'm really not back to it. I can't tell you which kind of time this is), I'm mostly against telling stories that simply fill in the details on stories that have begun in the middle. There's a delicate balance between beginning a story in the middle and fleshing out the character by revealing things that we weren't privy to before the story began and simply restarting a story that began in the middle so that the entire story can be told in a linear fashion. Look at it this way: is the Star Wars universe better off because we got the prequels? Fuck no! Now we have to live in a world where every clone was basically Boba Fett's dad. Also Boba Fett was Boba Fett's dad. Gross.
What I'm trying to say is if you know more about the Star Wars universe than can be remembered after one viewing of half the movies, you're a fucking nerd. And I mean nerd as an old school insult and not in the cool way popular and good looking people like to giggle and say, "I'm such a huge nerd!" Fuck you, you cultural appropriators! You don't know what it's like to never get laid in high school because you were busy jerking off to that one panel where you could see some serious Phoenix side boob! And also the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. So sexy!
Upright replied to himself: Oh wait! He said “You tell me,” didn’t he?
I reply: Holy shit. Okay. Now I know why you mentioned that Elfquest bit.
Awesome Virgin: "Do I like Elfquest?"
Awesome Virgin: *rolls up sleeve to show Elfquest tattoo*
Awesome Virgin: "You tell me."
I had completely forgotten about that! And the "I think so" misremember didn't help me remember! I don't remember where this happened though. Was it in that terrible panel at Comicon about the Elfquest movie where Marv Wolfman didn't announce but was probably thinking about the rape scene he was almost certainly going to introduce into the story? Man, what a shit panel. Speaking of questioning one's beliefs due to seeing somebody you despise or look down upon express those beliefs: that day, I begin hating Elfquest after seeing other Elfquest fans in person.
