E!TACT! #25
New Superman #23, Eternity Girl #3, No Justice #1, Michael Cray #7, Kick-Ass #4, Superman Special #1, Poetry Corner, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
2019's Hot Takes On Comics (2019 because I'm so Avant Garde! (Is that how you spell that? (And am I using it correctly?! (I mean the term "Avant Garde" (and also the term "hot takes"))))
New Superman #23, Eternity Girl #3, No Justice #1, Michael Cray #7, Kick-Ass #4, Superman Special #1, Poetry Corner, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy
2019's Hot Takes On Comics (2019 because I'm so Avant Garde! (Is that how you spell that? (And am I using it correctly?! (I mean the term "Avant Garde" (and also the term "hot takes"))))
New Superman and the Justice League of China #23
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-Fi
We all know Aquaman is a terrible character that hasn't fit in with modern storytelling since the late '50s. Perhaps he skated through the '60s as an acceptable hero because people reading comic books were on LSD. But into the '70s, he was nothing but a total snore. The preponderance of Quaaludes didn't help his case either. Hell, he was the superhero version of Quaaludes. Bill Cosby got so much pussy handing out Aquaman comic books. Don't at me. Is that what the kids say when they say something controversial? I'm not even sure what it means. Just don't do it. Cosby was a terrible human being. Almost as bad as Aquaman was a superhero.
Oh hey! I just noticed Google loves to drag Cosby too. I looked up Quaaludes just to be sure I was spelling it right. As I flipped back to that tab to shut it down, I noticed this:
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-Fi
We all know Aquaman is a terrible character that hasn't fit in with modern storytelling since the late '50s. Perhaps he skated through the '60s as an acceptable hero because people reading comic books were on LSD. But into the '70s, he was nothing but a total snore. The preponderance of Quaaludes didn't help his case either. Hell, he was the superhero version of Quaaludes. Bill Cosby got so much pussy handing out Aquaman comic books. Don't at me. Is that what the kids say when they say something controversial? I'm not even sure what it means. Just don't do it. Cosby was a terrible human being. Almost as bad as Aquaman was a superhero.
Oh hey! I just noticed Google loves to drag Cosby too. I looked up Quaaludes just to be sure I was spelling it right. As I flipped back to that tab to shut it down, I noticed this:
Hee hee hee!
My point is that Aquaman isn't any less boring when you make him North Korean and stick him on a more lighthearted Justice League. He's also been given a hard-edged makeover but that doesn't help either. Remember when Peter David tried that and everybody went, "Oh my God! Aquaman is going to be so cool now!" Then after a few issues, everybody forgot to keep buying the comic book and had been raped by Bill Cosby.
About half a year into this newsletter thing and I'm finally utilizing it to its utmost potential! I could never make that joke if I were still on Tumblr! Or in the public eye at all! Or cared about what people think of me!
Rating: This comic book series isn't as good as it was when it began but it's still enjoyable. It retains the exuberance and whimsy of superhero comic books from the 80s but with a modern sensibility. It's as if Chinese heroes forgot to model themselves after The Dark Knight Returns or they've forgotten that their stories are supposed to be so self-aware that they should constantly be questioning how they fit into the world or why they don't become fascist monsters or how effective are they really when they can't save everybody?! Superheroes in China are like bloggers writing newsletters! I really don't have to care about my stupid audience and can simply do whatever I want! Although I shouldn't call my audience stupid because they're obviously super smart if they're reading this.
About half a year into this newsletter thing and I'm finally utilizing it to its utmost potential! I could never make that joke if I were still on Tumblr! Or in the public eye at all! Or cared about what people think of me!
Rating: This comic book series isn't as good as it was when it began but it's still enjoyable. It retains the exuberance and whimsy of superhero comic books from the 80s but with a modern sensibility. It's as if Chinese heroes forgot to model themselves after The Dark Knight Returns or they've forgotten that their stories are supposed to be so self-aware that they should constantly be questioning how they fit into the world or why they don't become fascist monsters or how effective are they really when they can't save everybody?! Superheroes in China are like bloggers writing newsletters! I really don't have to care about my stupid audience and can simply do whatever I want! Although I shouldn't call my audience stupid because they're obviously super smart if they're reading this.
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Eternity Girl #3
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
This series reminds me a bit of "Night-sea Journey" from Barth's Lost in the Funhouse. I didn't say it was exactly the same or that the themes are parallel or that this book is also about a sperm having an existential crisis. I said it "reminds me a bit of" that story. That's important because most people on the Internet don't understand subtlety and love to argue. That makes them the worst people in the world and I'm trying desperately to avoid those people. Of course now I probably have to explain why it reminds me a bit of that story which is the difficult part because "reminds me a bit of" is like seeing the face of somebody you've never met before and knowing it reminds you of another person but not being able to place that person. All you can express is the familiarity.
But I'll try anyway! See, the spermatozoa in "Night-sea journey" is concerned about perpetuating a cycle that only causes agony and misery and loneliness. It contemplates why it's making this journey and how maybe things would be better if all the spermatozoa just refused to participate (if I'm remembering the story correctly. It has been over twenty years since I read the book and I haven't been able to reread it because Upright loaned the book to his girlfriend at the time and she never returned it. I'm glad they broke up! She also once ordered a shrimp dish at a Cuban restaurant and then picked out all the shrimp. Ugh! Oh, and one time, she said she hated Madonna because we were watching a thing about Madonna. Then we both pointed out that we liked Madonna so she was embarrassed because she liked Madonna too but only said she didn't because she assumed we didn't! Then another time, she pronounced wanton like "wonton" and we all laughed and I think we hurt her feelings. I think I also got Upright in trouble once because he told me a sexy secret that I didn't know was a secret (and which I can't remember anymore, dammit! (but I did remember it later and now I'm adding it: he told me Simone had a dream where, in the dream, she wanted me to watch her and Upright have sex! I didn't think mentioning it was a big deal because it was a dream. But then when she got upset, I thought, "Oh! Maybe she does want me to watch them have sex! Ooh la la! Or gross!") and I revealed I knew it at some beerfest which ruined his day because she was embarrassed and mad at him after that. She probably had some good aspects to her personality as well but those stories are less interesting and I forgot them. Especially because all I can think about is the story about being in the Japanese gardens and what happened beneath the bamboo! Ooh la la! Or gross!). In Eternity Girl, she's sort of making the same decision about ending the cycle of life and death except she's a bit more upfront about how selfish she's being. She wants to end everything because it's the only way she can die and she's a bit suicidal. So see? There's a similarity there that was enough to allow me to talk about Simone, Upright's ex-girlfriend! Who knew I wanted to do that so badly?! Not me!
Ranking: I think my main point is that Upright owes me a copy of Lost in the Funhouse! You know my address, Upright! Amazon that shit to me! And don't use the address in this newsletter or it will go to the McDonald's on the corner of Scott and El Camino! [Fun Fact: Upright sent me a copy of Barth's book after this! Thanks, Upright!]
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry
This series reminds me a bit of "Night-sea Journey" from Barth's Lost in the Funhouse. I didn't say it was exactly the same or that the themes are parallel or that this book is also about a sperm having an existential crisis. I said it "reminds me a bit of" that story. That's important because most people on the Internet don't understand subtlety and love to argue. That makes them the worst people in the world and I'm trying desperately to avoid those people. Of course now I probably have to explain why it reminds me a bit of that story which is the difficult part because "reminds me a bit of" is like seeing the face of somebody you've never met before and knowing it reminds you of another person but not being able to place that person. All you can express is the familiarity.
But I'll try anyway! See, the spermatozoa in "Night-sea journey" is concerned about perpetuating a cycle that only causes agony and misery and loneliness. It contemplates why it's making this journey and how maybe things would be better if all the spermatozoa just refused to participate (if I'm remembering the story correctly. It has been over twenty years since I read the book and I haven't been able to reread it because Upright loaned the book to his girlfriend at the time and she never returned it. I'm glad they broke up! She also once ordered a shrimp dish at a Cuban restaurant and then picked out all the shrimp. Ugh! Oh, and one time, she said she hated Madonna because we were watching a thing about Madonna. Then we both pointed out that we liked Madonna so she was embarrassed because she liked Madonna too but only said she didn't because she assumed we didn't! Then another time, she pronounced wanton like "wonton" and we all laughed and I think we hurt her feelings. I think I also got Upright in trouble once because he told me a sexy secret that I didn't know was a secret (and which I can't remember anymore, dammit! (but I did remember it later and now I'm adding it: he told me Simone had a dream where, in the dream, she wanted me to watch her and Upright have sex! I didn't think mentioning it was a big deal because it was a dream. But then when she got upset, I thought, "Oh! Maybe she does want me to watch them have sex! Ooh la la! Or gross!") and I revealed I knew it at some beerfest which ruined his day because she was embarrassed and mad at him after that. She probably had some good aspects to her personality as well but those stories are less interesting and I forgot them. Especially because all I can think about is the story about being in the Japanese gardens and what happened beneath the bamboo! Ooh la la! Or gross!). In Eternity Girl, she's sort of making the same decision about ending the cycle of life and death except she's a bit more upfront about how selfish she's being. She wants to end everything because it's the only way she can die and she's a bit suicidal. So see? There's a similarity there that was enough to allow me to talk about Simone, Upright's ex-girlfriend! Who knew I wanted to do that so badly?! Not me!
Ranking: I think my main point is that Upright owes me a copy of Lost in the Funhouse! You know my address, Upright! Amazon that shit to me! And don't use the address in this newsletter or it will go to the McDonald's on the corner of Scott and El Camino! [Fun Fact: Upright sent me a copy of Barth's book after this! Thanks, Upright!]
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No Justice #1
By Snyder, Williamson, Tynion IV, and Manapul
Superhero comic books are the worst at telling stories where everything looks bleak and hopeless because they never resolve the situation in an interesting or emotional or surprising way. In the end, the heroes simply believe in themselves more for no real reason or they throw a bigger punch than they've been throwing or they all finally work together in a way that isn't depicted through story but through Narration Boxes and dialogue where somebody says or thinks, "We need to all work together!" Then the heroes all nod and win.
The best superhero story where the world is about to end and the heroes rally at the end to defeat the bad guy is Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon R: The Movie. I didn't even need to watch it in English the first time to understand it and be moved emotionally by the plot. The part at the end where the Sailor Scouts rally by remembering the times Sailor Moon was there for them, after which they stood up and said, "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usako!" was more touching and believable than any time Superman ever thought, "I just have to believe in myself and justice and Lois Lane's unbelievable lips on my penis!" No wait. That last one about the lips was really good but I don't think it counts because I thought it.
What I'm trying to say is that I have no faith that this story will present an engaging climax to a story that was probably pitched as "Just think about how crazily the fans will react to the heroes teaming up with DC's major cosmic villains! Holy smokes! James, stop fondling my ass crack!" I'm sure DiDio did not stop Snyder in the pitch to ask, "Is the story coherent? Does it have an emotional theme to keep the readers engaged? Does it say something more important than 'heroes can beat up bad guys'?" Although he may have interrupted to ask, "How much is Williamson going to be responsible for? You'll keep him on a short leash, right? God, he's terrible."
By Snyder, Williamson, Tynion IV, and Manapul
Superhero comic books are the worst at telling stories where everything looks bleak and hopeless because they never resolve the situation in an interesting or emotional or surprising way. In the end, the heroes simply believe in themselves more for no real reason or they throw a bigger punch than they've been throwing or they all finally work together in a way that isn't depicted through story but through Narration Boxes and dialogue where somebody says or thinks, "We need to all work together!" Then the heroes all nod and win.
The best superhero story where the world is about to end and the heroes rally at the end to defeat the bad guy is Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon R: The Movie. I didn't even need to watch it in English the first time to understand it and be moved emotionally by the plot. The part at the end where the Sailor Scouts rally by remembering the times Sailor Moon was there for them, after which they stood up and said, "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usako!" was more touching and believable than any time Superman ever thought, "I just have to believe in myself and justice and Lois Lane's unbelievable lips on my penis!" No wait. That last one about the lips was really good but I don't think it counts because I thought it.
What I'm trying to say is that I have no faith that this story will present an engaging climax to a story that was probably pitched as "Just think about how crazily the fans will react to the heroes teaming up with DC's major cosmic villains! Holy smokes! James, stop fondling my ass crack!" I'm sure DiDio did not stop Snyder in the pitch to ask, "Is the story coherent? Does it have an emotional theme to keep the readers engaged? Does it say something more important than 'heroes can beat up bad guys'?" Although he may have interrupted to ask, "How much is Williamson going to be responsible for? You'll keep him on a short leash, right? God, he's terrible."
In other words, "Remember all the other cosmic threats to the very existence of the DC Universe? Even the ones that destroyed everything and rebooted the entire franchise so we could fix past mistakes by making new ones? That was nothing compared to this! Prepare to believe this threat is super dangerous because we just told you it was the worst ever! Oh my God, the tension!"
The problem is that the Source Wall has a small crack in it and The Guardians are freaking the fuck out. For some reason, Kyle Rayner doesn't step up and say, "I'll handle this! I've been on the other side of that wall and it was nothing for a great hero like me (who was just an average comic book reader, remember! Because they're the greatest, right guys?)" Then he doesn't look at the reader and doesn't wink and doesn't reach out to jerk the reader off a little bit before saving the day. Instead he just floats in the background while Guy Gardner says, "This is some totally new and different shit that can't be compared with all of the other universe ending shit that we've dealt with! And that's me saying that! The guy who always talks super tough! Whoa, we must be in trouble!"
Man! I'm really scared now! This threat is really serious, guys! If the next thing I read is that Lobo pissed himself thinking about the Omega Titans, I'm going to have to read this book with the lights on! I mean, I have to do that anyway but I meant it in an I'm so scared I need the lights on kind of way and not an I can't see a thing without the lights on kind of way!
If you're an aspiring comic book writer, here are a few tips on how to write a believable story about the end of the universe. First, you start with an antagonist that looks like it could juggle planets. Just having something of that size makes the reader think, "Uh oh. This could be trouble!" Second, you have to say, preferably right near the beginning of the story, "This is the worst threat to the existence of everything ever!" You might not want to say it that bluntly. Usually you'll want to tie it into the main character in some way. Perhaps have Batman say something like, "I survived the death of my parents. But I don't know if I'll survive this! Emotionally, I mean! So traumatic!" Or maybe have Martian Manhunter drop his Oreos when he hears the news and rush off without picking them up or making sure the package is resealed so they won't go stale before he returns. That totally suggests he might not ever return! Or maybe have one of the original Justice League lock themselves in the bathroom and then not respond to Mera pounding on the door before she finally breaks in to find that original Justice Leaguer has opened his fishy wrists and scrawled on the wall in his own blood, "IT".
Man! I'm really scared now! This threat is really serious, guys! If the next thing I read is that Lobo pissed himself thinking about the Omega Titans, I'm going to have to read this book with the lights on! I mean, I have to do that anyway but I meant it in an I'm so scared I need the lights on kind of way and not an I can't see a thing without the lights on kind of way!
If you're an aspiring comic book writer, here are a few tips on how to write a believable story about the end of the universe. First, you start with an antagonist that looks like it could juggle planets. Just having something of that size makes the reader think, "Uh oh. This could be trouble!" Second, you have to say, preferably right near the beginning of the story, "This is the worst threat to the existence of everything ever!" You might not want to say it that bluntly. Usually you'll want to tie it into the main character in some way. Perhaps have Batman say something like, "I survived the death of my parents. But I don't know if I'll survive this! Emotionally, I mean! So traumatic!" Or maybe have Martian Manhunter drop his Oreos when he hears the news and rush off without picking them up or making sure the package is resealed so they won't go stale before he returns. That totally suggests he might not ever return! Or maybe have one of the original Justice League lock themselves in the bathroom and then not respond to Mera pounding on the door before she finally breaks in to find that original Justice Leaguer has opened his fishy wrists and scrawled on the wall in his own blood, "IT".
Shit! Things are so bad, Starfire is using contractions!
The opening scene upsets me. Not because the world is being overrun by cosmic monsters but because it seems to suggest Dick Grayson is a pedophile. It shows teams battling the monsters. It begins with Suicide Squad which, of course, means a shot of Harley saying something hilariously wacky. Then it shows Nightwing with the caption, "The Titans." That reminds me that Nightwing is on a team called the Titans which have "recently" regrouped after The New 52 ended in a nostalgic story that focused on how they've been friends for so long. So they're at least in their late twenties, right? Then it shows Starfire who Dick Grayson fucked years and years ago and she has the caption you see above: The Teen Titans. What the fuck? Why is Starfire on the Teen Titans? How old was she when Dick Grayson was fucking her?! No wonder Deathstork has such a hard-on for Dick. Hee hee.
Things are so bad that Amanda Waller has initiated Protocol XI. Now you might be thinking that's a play on Task Force X. See, the so-super-smart thing that some writer came up with in the past was that the X wasn't a letter at all but a Roman numeral! Sure, it's been done before like how Weapon X gave rise to Weapon XI. Probably. What? I'm supposed to know everything about Marvel too?! Anyway, that's old hat to think that way. So Snyder probably thought, "I'm going to surprise everybody yet again! They're going to think Amanda is invoking the next step in the evolution of Task Force X! But what they'll forget is that DC Comics doesn't use lowercase letters! So I'll surprise them when I reveal this is Protocol Xi! That's right! It's the fourteenth letter of the Greek alphabet! That means it's fourteen times greater than Protocol Alpha! Sure, nobody has every heard of that but just think! FOURTEEN TIMES GREATER!?!"
Also it could just mean Protocol Extra Large because Amanda is calling in all the extra large, over-the-top cosmic entities to team up with the Justice League to help save the world.
Brainiac has come not to warn Earth of the universe's impending doom but to make sure they know they were the cause. He's practically defeating everybody on Earth single-handed until Superman shows up to punch him in the face and yell, "NERD!" Then he gives him a space wedgie and a Kryptonian swirly (that's where you stick the head of the person in a toilet while the world around you implodes) before Brainiac is all, "I love to suck big dicks! Mmm! Mmm! I can't get enough of them! Are you satisfied?!" Then Superman high fives Cyborg, slaps Wonder Woman in the ass, and then shotguns a Rainier.
Things are so bad that Amanda Waller has initiated Protocol XI. Now you might be thinking that's a play on Task Force X. See, the so-super-smart thing that some writer came up with in the past was that the X wasn't a letter at all but a Roman numeral! Sure, it's been done before like how Weapon X gave rise to Weapon XI. Probably. What? I'm supposed to know everything about Marvel too?! Anyway, that's old hat to think that way. So Snyder probably thought, "I'm going to surprise everybody yet again! They're going to think Amanda is invoking the next step in the evolution of Task Force X! But what they'll forget is that DC Comics doesn't use lowercase letters! So I'll surprise them when I reveal this is Protocol Xi! That's right! It's the fourteenth letter of the Greek alphabet! That means it's fourteen times greater than Protocol Alpha! Sure, nobody has every heard of that but just think! FOURTEEN TIMES GREATER!?!"
Also it could just mean Protocol Extra Large because Amanda is calling in all the extra large, over-the-top cosmic entities to team up with the Justice League to help save the world.
Brainiac has come not to warn Earth of the universe's impending doom but to make sure they know they were the cause. He's practically defeating everybody on Earth single-handed until Superman shows up to punch him in the face and yell, "NERD!" Then he gives him a space wedgie and a Kryptonian swirly (that's where you stick the head of the person in a toilet while the world around you implodes) before Brainiac is all, "I love to suck big dicks! Mmm! Mmm! I can't get enough of them! Are you satisfied?!" Then Superman high fives Cyborg, slaps Wonder Woman in the ass, and then shotguns a Rainier.
Jesus Christ. Does everybody know about the Suicide Squad's ties to the American government?!
After Superman stops humiliating Brainiac long enough for Brainiac to speak, everybody learns that Brainiac wants to save the universe. He needs the help of Earth's mightiest heroes but in teams that the heroes were too unimaginative to think up. Seriously! Can you imagine Batman working with Lobo? Or Beast Boy working with Deathstork? Or Superman working with Martian Manhunter?! Or Zatanna working with Doctor Fate? Or Flash working with Cyborg? Hilarious! It would never happen in normal circumstances! How does Snyder keep coming up with shit like this?!
Brainiac has decided to form teams based on the four cosmic energies that make up all of reality: Entropy, Wonder, Wisdom, and Mystery. I bet James Tynion IV tried to convince Snyder to use Entropy, Wonder, Whipped Cream, and Amyl Nitrate.
It turns out Waller's Protocol XI really is Task Force XI. I forgot that if Snyder thinks it up, it's brand new and exciting! Stupid Penis. You're supposed to get erect when you read Snyder's cool story ideas! Stop letting Brain distract you by pointing out how none of this is actually original or groundbreaking! You're better than that, Penis. Remember how you totally sabotaged Brain in Algebra by constantly getting it to stare at Grace Bamberger?! Remember how you used to rule the roost?! What's happened to you, Penis? You've lost all sense of wonder! You must be team Entropy.
Anyway (I say "Anyway" too much, don't I? I can't help it! It's the only way to segue back into the boring plot bits after going on the entertaining digressions!), Task Force XI is composed of all DC's greatest psychic characters. Amanda is using them to hack Brainiac so that she can be better informed than any other character in the DC Universe. I bet she even learns about Zero Hour! I don't know how she captured all of Earth's psychics. I bet once you catch the first one, the rest are easy! Or maybe she just put up an ad on Craigslist: "Looking for psychic who loves to receive rim jobs. Contact The Wall at Belle Reve Penitentiary. Don't think about how suspicious that sounds. Just think about the awesome rim jobs!" I would reply to that ad if I were psychic!
Brainiac is about to explain his plan to save the universe when his head explodes due to Amanda Waller's probing psychics. So now all the heroes have to go on is that they need to "find four cosmic trees" which each represent one of the four cosmic energies. That will somehow do something that will allow them to whatever. I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow. Like maybe having Batman dangle Amanda Waller off the side of a skyscraper.
Rating: This is the exact type of mediocre crap that Scott Snyder does now. At some point, he decided to stop writing comic books that told innovative stories which revolved around deep flaws in the main character and provided insight into that character's personality. Apparently it was more fun to write over-the-top end of the universe stories that always wind up being exactly the same. "A bunch of heroes form a bunch of different teams to go on quests for metal or trees or some other cosmic MacGuffin. They are defeated but then they rally and they get the thing they were looking for and save the day. But not before something happens to create an epilogue so that a new and worse cosmic disaster can be sold to comic book nerds six months down the road." At least it's fun in the way comic books should be fun. I'm sick to death of continuity nerds who need Batman to not be written by Tom King because Tom King writes smart, fun, and entertaining stories that aren't completely derived from Batman's entry in Who's Who. Fuck those guys!
Brainiac has decided to form teams based on the four cosmic energies that make up all of reality: Entropy, Wonder, Wisdom, and Mystery. I bet James Tynion IV tried to convince Snyder to use Entropy, Wonder, Whipped Cream, and Amyl Nitrate.
It turns out Waller's Protocol XI really is Task Force XI. I forgot that if Snyder thinks it up, it's brand new and exciting! Stupid Penis. You're supposed to get erect when you read Snyder's cool story ideas! Stop letting Brain distract you by pointing out how none of this is actually original or groundbreaking! You're better than that, Penis. Remember how you totally sabotaged Brain in Algebra by constantly getting it to stare at Grace Bamberger?! Remember how you used to rule the roost?! What's happened to you, Penis? You've lost all sense of wonder! You must be team Entropy.
Anyway (I say "Anyway" too much, don't I? I can't help it! It's the only way to segue back into the boring plot bits after going on the entertaining digressions!), Task Force XI is composed of all DC's greatest psychic characters. Amanda is using them to hack Brainiac so that she can be better informed than any other character in the DC Universe. I bet she even learns about Zero Hour! I don't know how she captured all of Earth's psychics. I bet once you catch the first one, the rest are easy! Or maybe she just put up an ad on Craigslist: "Looking for psychic who loves to receive rim jobs. Contact The Wall at Belle Reve Penitentiary. Don't think about how suspicious that sounds. Just think about the awesome rim jobs!" I would reply to that ad if I were psychic!
Brainiac is about to explain his plan to save the universe when his head explodes due to Amanda Waller's probing psychics. So now all the heroes have to go on is that they need to "find four cosmic trees" which each represent one of the four cosmic energies. That will somehow do something that will allow them to whatever. I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow. Like maybe having Batman dangle Amanda Waller off the side of a skyscraper.
Rating: This is the exact type of mediocre crap that Scott Snyder does now. At some point, he decided to stop writing comic books that told innovative stories which revolved around deep flaws in the main character and provided insight into that character's personality. Apparently it was more fun to write over-the-top end of the universe stories that always wind up being exactly the same. "A bunch of heroes form a bunch of different teams to go on quests for metal or trees or some other cosmic MacGuffin. They are defeated but then they rally and they get the thing they were looking for and save the day. But not before something happens to create an epilogue so that a new and worse cosmic disaster can be sold to comic book nerds six months down the road." At least it's fun in the way comic books should be fun. I'm sick to death of continuity nerds who need Batman to not be written by Tom King because Tom King writes smart, fun, and entertaining stories that aren't completely derived from Batman's entry in Who's Who. Fuck those guys!
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Michael Cray #7
By Bryan Hill and N. Steven Harris
I'm so racist. I was just typing in the names of the writer and artist for this comic and I thought, "I wonder if Bryan Hill is black?" So I checked his Twitter and discovered that not only is he black but he's also going to be taking over Detective Comics and throwing Black Lightning into the mix. Goddammit, Bryan Hill! I finally got off my lazy ass to drop Detective Comics because I'm sick of Tynioin IV's name (and maybe his writing as well (but mostly his name)) and now I might have to grab it again? Well, I'm not putting it on my pull list! Not because I think I should give it a probationary period to see how I like it but because I can't bring myself to look my comic book store owner in the eye and say, "Um, can I get, um, Detective Comics back on my pull list?" Not that that's something to be embarrassed about. It's just that it will certainly lead to a longer conversation! And who wants to converse with people?! Fucking Doom Bunny, that's who!
Anybody who has enjoyed my comic book blog over the last seven years should thank Doom Bunny because I was mostly writing directly to him for the first two or three (or maybe four or five or six or seven) years! Although he keeps insisting that "Twat Lobo" was his thing, as if that was the pinnacle of my insulting ability! Didn't he read about the time I called Scott Lobdell's mother's vagina a "reverse wood chipper"? Hmm. That didn't make any sense. Aren't all vaginas reverse wood chippers? I mean the heterosexual ones!
Rating: The art is still terrible. The story is better than the art but not great. I think it peaked when Deathblow killed Aquaman. There's only so far you can go with a comic book whose premise is simply "a super rad '90s Image character kills alternate versions of characters you love to hate!" Especially when that premise gets marched out every few years to creepy fans full of bloodlust. I'm looking at you, younger version of me that loved this comic book so much when he discovered that Green Arrow was going to be killed!
By Bryan Hill and N. Steven Harris
I'm so racist. I was just typing in the names of the writer and artist for this comic and I thought, "I wonder if Bryan Hill is black?" So I checked his Twitter and discovered that not only is he black but he's also going to be taking over Detective Comics and throwing Black Lightning into the mix. Goddammit, Bryan Hill! I finally got off my lazy ass to drop Detective Comics because I'm sick of Tynioin IV's name (and maybe his writing as well (but mostly his name)) and now I might have to grab it again? Well, I'm not putting it on my pull list! Not because I think I should give it a probationary period to see how I like it but because I can't bring myself to look my comic book store owner in the eye and say, "Um, can I get, um, Detective Comics back on my pull list?" Not that that's something to be embarrassed about. It's just that it will certainly lead to a longer conversation! And who wants to converse with people?! Fucking Doom Bunny, that's who!
Anybody who has enjoyed my comic book blog over the last seven years should thank Doom Bunny because I was mostly writing directly to him for the first two or three (or maybe four or five or six or seven) years! Although he keeps insisting that "Twat Lobo" was his thing, as if that was the pinnacle of my insulting ability! Didn't he read about the time I called Scott Lobdell's mother's vagina a "reverse wood chipper"? Hmm. That didn't make any sense. Aren't all vaginas reverse wood chippers? I mean the heterosexual ones!
Rating: The art is still terrible. The story is better than the art but not great. I think it peaked when Deathblow killed Aquaman. There's only so far you can go with a comic book whose premise is simply "a super rad '90s Image character kills alternate versions of characters you love to hate!" Especially when that premise gets marched out every few years to creepy fans full of bloodlust. I'm looking at you, younger version of me that loved this comic book so much when he discovered that Green Arrow was going to be killed!
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Kick-Ass #4
By Millar and Romita Jr.
If you read the first Kick-Ass and forgot there was a second one and thought, "I need more of this," I have got some good news for you! We, as human beings, have the ability to reread things! Also you can read this series which is the original joke my lack of impulse control just ruined.
If any serious reviewers out there aren't mentioning how this is just more of the same from Millar then they're either not being honest or they're dumb or they're being paid by Millar (which technically falls into the "not being honest" category but definitely doesn't fall into the "they're dumb" category because I would totally take sweet, sweet Millar bucks to say I'm-not-really-a-writer-but-I-write-reviews things like, "Kick-Ass kicks ass!" or "Hit-Girl is a hit, girl!").
I guess I'm not really honest either but then I'm constantly telling people who won't listen that I'm not really a comic book reviewer either! Also I'm dumb. But I guess those cancel out which is why my reviews are so honest and smart! It's simple math.
Last issue, Mark Millar seeded the plot with one really stupid idea that every reader knew instantly was a built-in crutch for Kick-Ass to get out of the deadly situation she's found herself in: he said the party balloons at the we're-going-to-kill-a-cop party were filled with hydrogen instead of helium. The punk who did it said it was to save money which might be a good plot reason for it but that doesn't explain how much more work it would have been to get hydrogen over helium. Party stores aren't going to have tanks of hydrogen. You have to go to some specialty place that services old timey air balloons and chemistry teachers who are too dumb to make their own hydrogen with tap water. My feeling is some henchman for a drug gang isn't going to be the most ambitious person. Why save a little money on the party when he can probably just skim a few grams of cocaine to sell on the side? Way easier!
Anybody who has ever nearly blown up their chemistry class while trying to make the popping sound of hydrogen being burned understood what was going to happen this issue after the gang member mentioned his money saving party tip. Kick-Ass was going to light the balloons and then probably say, "Oh, the humanity!"
In the ensuing fire, Kick-Ass's brother-in-law is badly burned. Now she has to go to the hospital to watch him die and hope that the bad guys (who will also be there watching him die, probably, because he's like the main bad guy's right-hand man) don't recognize her. Also the bad guys are calling up some guy named Mister Solo who takes care of problems. So she'll have to fight him too. Hopefully the hospital is full of hydrogen balloons so she can make another easy get away.
Rating: It's a Kick-Ass comic book. You know what you're getting.
By Millar and Romita Jr.
If you read the first Kick-Ass and forgot there was a second one and thought, "I need more of this," I have got some good news for you! We, as human beings, have the ability to reread things! Also you can read this series which is the original joke my lack of impulse control just ruined.
If any serious reviewers out there aren't mentioning how this is just more of the same from Millar then they're either not being honest or they're dumb or they're being paid by Millar (which technically falls into the "not being honest" category but definitely doesn't fall into the "they're dumb" category because I would totally take sweet, sweet Millar bucks to say I'm-not-really-a-writer-but-I-write-reviews things like, "Kick-Ass kicks ass!" or "Hit-Girl is a hit, girl!").
I guess I'm not really honest either but then I'm constantly telling people who won't listen that I'm not really a comic book reviewer either! Also I'm dumb. But I guess those cancel out which is why my reviews are so honest and smart! It's simple math.
Last issue, Mark Millar seeded the plot with one really stupid idea that every reader knew instantly was a built-in crutch for Kick-Ass to get out of the deadly situation she's found herself in: he said the party balloons at the we're-going-to-kill-a-cop party were filled with hydrogen instead of helium. The punk who did it said it was to save money which might be a good plot reason for it but that doesn't explain how much more work it would have been to get hydrogen over helium. Party stores aren't going to have tanks of hydrogen. You have to go to some specialty place that services old timey air balloons and chemistry teachers who are too dumb to make their own hydrogen with tap water. My feeling is some henchman for a drug gang isn't going to be the most ambitious person. Why save a little money on the party when he can probably just skim a few grams of cocaine to sell on the side? Way easier!
Anybody who has ever nearly blown up their chemistry class while trying to make the popping sound of hydrogen being burned understood what was going to happen this issue after the gang member mentioned his money saving party tip. Kick-Ass was going to light the balloons and then probably say, "Oh, the humanity!"
In the ensuing fire, Kick-Ass's brother-in-law is badly burned. Now she has to go to the hospital to watch him die and hope that the bad guys (who will also be there watching him die, probably, because he's like the main bad guy's right-hand man) don't recognize her. Also the bad guys are calling up some guy named Mister Solo who takes care of problems. So she'll have to fight him too. Hopefully the hospital is full of hydrogen balloons so she can make another easy get away.
Rating: It's a Kick-Ass comic book. You know what you're getting.
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Superman Special #1: Escape From Dinosaur Island
By Tomasi, Gleason, Russell, Flynn, Godlewski, Hitch, Andrews, Eltaeb, and Sinclair
Blog sites like Tinyletter and Blogspot have an auto-save feature to ensure that your document is saved every few seconds to make sure that if there's a sudden loss of everything, you can be sure that the one thing not lost is your precious writing. But what they don't have is a means to not save your document immediately after accidentally highlighting a whole paragraph instead of just a word and then hitting the space bar. Because obviously since the text was just changed, the system thinks, "Whoa! Better save that immediately!" Stupid fucking Tinyletter. Now nobody will get to read why this E!TACT Newsletter is probably going to be late! Well, they'll read why it's late. It's because I've been spending most of my free time playing Silvern Castle. But what they won't read because I don't want to rewrite it is my explanation of what that is (which also leads into an explanation of what Wizardry was and what the Apple IIe was and things a high school virgin does in his not-having-sex time) and the story about the confused homeless person who finds my non-existent 'zine but does not have access to Google. That's probably self-explanatory anyway.
The version of me from two weeks ago wasted five dollars on this Superman Special #1 so I guess I should read it even though I got really bored as soon as I read the word "dinosaur."
Now that I read it, I hate me from two weeks ago.
Rating: If a more boring comic book has ever been written, I've probably purchased it and read it and forgotten all about it. Because it was so boring. Which, thankfully, is what will happen with my memories of having read this euthanasia drug in a four color format. I'm not exaggerating when I say I immediately began to fall asleep at my desk after having read this before stumbling to the couch and falling asleep for two hours. So I guess I can now blame having read this comic book for why the E!TACT Newsletter is running late!
Seriously though (although, I really was serious in the last paragraph so I don't know why I'm beginning this paragraph in that manner), I was thoroughly bored. I think the main story about Superman and Jon rescuing Captain Storm from Dinosaur Island was supposed to be some kind of Memorial Day story? Like, lets honor our promise to our vets or something? If it wasn't that (and it barely was that if it was!), I have no idea why the story needed to be told. Perhaps it was just an advertisement for a future Losers comic book?
I was even bored by the Mark Russell story and I'm never bored by his stories! I usually read a Mark Russell story and then write six paragraphs about the veins in my suddenly rigid penis. But this time, I read it and was all, "What happened? Why is my penis inside of me? Is this a vagina?" In the story, Superman rescues an old man from a collapsing building. The old man asks Superman to go back and save his photos. So Superman is all, "Okay. I guess? What else am I going to do?" As he's going back to rescue photos and not making sure everybody on the ground is safe (since, you know, a building is collapsing?), he hears a puppy barking from another unit. He thinks, "Well, I can't save the puppy and the photos in time? What a dilemma!" Although, you know, it's not a dilemma at all! Of course he rescues the puppy. Then when the old guy is all, "But my photos! MY PHOTOS! OH THE HUMANITY!", Superman is all, "Here. Take care of this puppy. Memories are whatever." Then the comic ends and I had to imagine the scene where the original owner of the puppy, a little immigrant girl from Poland who had received the puppy to help her deal with the trauma of moving to a new country where she doesn't speak the language, cries her eyes out because it died in the accident. Superman is a fucking asshole.
I think the message of the final story was this: Superman loves to give people second and third chances but he's wrong to do so because super villains hate him so much that they just can't be rehabilitated, no matter how big of a lesbian Maggie Sawyer is.
By Tomasi, Gleason, Russell, Flynn, Godlewski, Hitch, Andrews, Eltaeb, and Sinclair
Blog sites like Tinyletter and Blogspot have an auto-save feature to ensure that your document is saved every few seconds to make sure that if there's a sudden loss of everything, you can be sure that the one thing not lost is your precious writing. But what they don't have is a means to not save your document immediately after accidentally highlighting a whole paragraph instead of just a word and then hitting the space bar. Because obviously since the text was just changed, the system thinks, "Whoa! Better save that immediately!" Stupid fucking Tinyletter. Now nobody will get to read why this E!TACT Newsletter is probably going to be late! Well, they'll read why it's late. It's because I've been spending most of my free time playing Silvern Castle. But what they won't read because I don't want to rewrite it is my explanation of what that is (which also leads into an explanation of what Wizardry was and what the Apple IIe was and things a high school virgin does in his not-having-sex time) and the story about the confused homeless person who finds my non-existent 'zine but does not have access to Google. That's probably self-explanatory anyway.
The version of me from two weeks ago wasted five dollars on this Superman Special #1 so I guess I should read it even though I got really bored as soon as I read the word "dinosaur."
Now that I read it, I hate me from two weeks ago.
Rating: If a more boring comic book has ever been written, I've probably purchased it and read it and forgotten all about it. Because it was so boring. Which, thankfully, is what will happen with my memories of having read this euthanasia drug in a four color format. I'm not exaggerating when I say I immediately began to fall asleep at my desk after having read this before stumbling to the couch and falling asleep for two hours. So I guess I can now blame having read this comic book for why the E!TACT Newsletter is running late!
Seriously though (although, I really was serious in the last paragraph so I don't know why I'm beginning this paragraph in that manner), I was thoroughly bored. I think the main story about Superman and Jon rescuing Captain Storm from Dinosaur Island was supposed to be some kind of Memorial Day story? Like, lets honor our promise to our vets or something? If it wasn't that (and it barely was that if it was!), I have no idea why the story needed to be told. Perhaps it was just an advertisement for a future Losers comic book?
I was even bored by the Mark Russell story and I'm never bored by his stories! I usually read a Mark Russell story and then write six paragraphs about the veins in my suddenly rigid penis. But this time, I read it and was all, "What happened? Why is my penis inside of me? Is this a vagina?" In the story, Superman rescues an old man from a collapsing building. The old man asks Superman to go back and save his photos. So Superman is all, "Okay. I guess? What else am I going to do?" As he's going back to rescue photos and not making sure everybody on the ground is safe (since, you know, a building is collapsing?), he hears a puppy barking from another unit. He thinks, "Well, I can't save the puppy and the photos in time? What a dilemma!" Although, you know, it's not a dilemma at all! Of course he rescues the puppy. Then when the old guy is all, "But my photos! MY PHOTOS! OH THE HUMANITY!", Superman is all, "Here. Take care of this puppy. Memories are whatever." Then the comic ends and I had to imagine the scene where the original owner of the puppy, a little immigrant girl from Poland who had received the puppy to help her deal with the trauma of moving to a new country where she doesn't speak the language, cries her eyes out because it died in the accident. Superman is a fucking asshole.
I think the message of the final story was this: Superman loves to give people second and third chances but he's wrong to do so because super villains hate him so much that they just can't be rehabilitated, no matter how big of a lesbian Maggie Sawyer is.
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Poetry Corner with Grunion Guy!
Poetry Corner with Grunion Guy!
Metaphor
Sometimes when you have something really important to say,
You want to say it as a poem so that it also feels emotional and smart.
But then you need to think of a metaphor for that thing
Or else what you're saying just sounds like prose.
So say I want to talk about bad memories and how they made
You what you are even though they're bad.
Maybe I could say they're a demon and it's inside you!
That might sound scary but it's not! It's just the metaphor!
And I don't want to scare anybody so after I mention the demon inside the reader,
I'd better immediately say what the demon represents!
Then the reader can exhale and think, "Whew! I almost called an exorcist!
"Boy, wouldn't that have been another bad demon inside of me?!"
The exorcist would have been, "Hello? How can I help you?
"I mean, I know how I can help you! I really only do one thing as an exorcist!
"I was just being polite and letting you know that I had answered the phone,
"And that I was ready to listen to you speak!"
Then you, the reader, would have said, "Oh! I was just reading this great poem.
"And it said I had a demon inside of me. But I just happened to read the second line
"As I was waiting for you to answer the phone and now I'm embarrassed
"For having called you over nothing. This is now a bad memory!"
Later, the exorcist would grow really curious and hit star sixty nine.
The reader would pick up the phone and say, "Hello?"
Then the exorcist would say, "Hello. We spoke earlier and you mentioned a poem.
"Do you know where I could get a copy of that poem?"
And from that conversation, word of mouth would spread,
And I would see my book of poems on the list of New York Times Best Sellers.
--Grunion Guy
Sometimes when you have something really important to say,
You want to say it as a poem so that it also feels emotional and smart.
But then you need to think of a metaphor for that thing
Or else what you're saying just sounds like prose.
So say I want to talk about bad memories and how they made
You what you are even though they're bad.
Maybe I could say they're a demon and it's inside you!
That might sound scary but it's not! It's just the metaphor!
And I don't want to scare anybody so after I mention the demon inside the reader,
I'd better immediately say what the demon represents!
Then the reader can exhale and think, "Whew! I almost called an exorcist!
"Boy, wouldn't that have been another bad demon inside of me?!"
The exorcist would have been, "Hello? How can I help you?
"I mean, I know how I can help you! I really only do one thing as an exorcist!
"I was just being polite and letting you know that I had answered the phone,
"And that I was ready to listen to you speak!"
Then you, the reader, would have said, "Oh! I was just reading this great poem.
"And it said I had a demon inside of me. But I just happened to read the second line
"As I was waiting for you to answer the phone and now I'm embarrassed
"For having called you over nothing. This is now a bad memory!"
Later, the exorcist would grow really curious and hit star sixty nine.
The reader would pick up the phone and say, "Hello?"
Then the exorcist would say, "Hello. We spoke earlier and you mentioned a poem.
"Do you know where I could get a copy of that poem?"
And from that conversation, word of mouth would spread,
And I would see my book of poems on the list of New York Times Best Sellers.
--Grunion Guy
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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
Everyday by Buddy Holly
This song is from a time when people did not have sex. You can tell by the beat of the song. Nobody could have sex to that. They'd be all, "Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam a-ay a-ay-ay!" Near the end of the song, somebody begins hitting a glass stirring rod against a bunch of test tubes and beakers for some reason. Probably because they're antsy in their pants about not getting any sex. Another way you can tell this song is old is the way Buddy Holly compares their love to the fastest thing at the time: a roller coaster. We have way faster things now! Like cars and planes. Oops. I probably shouldn't have mentioned planes.
Grade: B.
Machine Ballerina by Suzanne Vega
Suzanna Vega's original draft of this song was called, "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" But her producer was all, "Whoa, whoa, Suzy! Tone it down a bit! That's something that slut Debbie Harry would sing about! People love you for your great songs like Uncle Tom's Cabin and Luke Skywalker!" Then she was all, "Well, I once read a terrific poem about metaphor by a really great writer and I also once heard a Monkees song that was basically about date rape and toys. Maybe I could do something with those influences!" Then she came up with this song and the producer sold "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" to Belinda Carlisle.
Grade: B.
Under the Western Freeway by Grandaddy
The music to this song is exactly what I imagine a tumbleweed hears as it goes about its business in the background of westerns and back roads of Arizona. If you've never heard this song, I imagine you have no idea what that might sound like. But if you have heard this song, you're now thinking, "Holy shit. That's exactly what this sounds like! It also sounds like a kid was told to write a three minute song and came up with fifteen seconds of music that he decided to put on a loop. But that's basically what you said with the tumbleweed thing!" But don't let this review and the subsequent grade lead you to believe that the album this is from (also called Under the Western Freeway) isn't a good album! It's just that Grandaddy must have thought, "What's a good way to make people think this record sucks? How about we do a title track that's more boring than Superman Special #1: Escape From Dinosaur Island?!"
Grade: D+.
Cars Pass in Cold Blood by The Faint
I've had this album for years and never really paid attention to the lyrics of this song so I decided to look them up online right now. I'm more confused about this song than before I knew the lyrics! It felt right listening to this song as Jesus's apostles listened to his parables. I would think, "Oh yeah, Todd! Cars do pass in cold blood! And there really isn't any time for whatever you just said in the line before! Totally get where you're coming from, dude. Rock it out!" But now that I've read the lyrics, I have a feeling Todd was sitting in traffic one day when an ambulance was trying to get by and some business man was trying to get around the traffic and blocked the ambulance and Todd thought, "I wish I had that guy's balls!" Then he wrote a song about it. I wish Jesus were here to explain the parable to me since I obviously have no ability to understand it.
Grade: B+.
己を信じて進むのみ by 手塚理・Vink2
This is from the Slayers (スレイヤーズ) Next soundtrack. It sounds a bit like a marching song. Slayers was a Japanese cartoon about a wizard named Lina Inverse who had small breasts. I'm pretty sure that's important to the narrative since Ghourry and all of the enemies Lina encounters mention it constantly. But it's not one of those Japanese cartoons where you get to see naked people or squids do sexy things to orifices. It's rated whatever rating is the one that doesn't mind the constant talk of small boobs and where another important plot point can be how Lina loses her powers when she's menstruating. I haven't watched the series in a long time because I own it on VHS. I do remember watching it in the '90s one time while on LSD. I was with my not-yet-burned-up friend Bobby Henline (you can Google him if you're curious about that statement (but don't read his poetry or you might begin to think my poem was making fun of his)) and I came up with the classic routine about the VCR remote control. It went something like this, "How come when you hit the play button, it plays the video. And when you hit the pause button, it pauses the video. But you can also hit the pause button to play the video once it's paused? What's up with that?!" Such classic stuff! I also realized how triangles and the number three were at the center of understanding the meaning of the universe but when I sobered up, I couldn't remember how to express it and it didn't seem important anymore anyway.
Grade: C.
This song is from a time when people did not have sex. You can tell by the beat of the song. Nobody could have sex to that. They'd be all, "Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam a-ay a-ay-ay!" Near the end of the song, somebody begins hitting a glass stirring rod against a bunch of test tubes and beakers for some reason. Probably because they're antsy in their pants about not getting any sex. Another way you can tell this song is old is the way Buddy Holly compares their love to the fastest thing at the time: a roller coaster. We have way faster things now! Like cars and planes. Oops. I probably shouldn't have mentioned planes.
Grade: B.
Machine Ballerina by Suzanne Vega
Suzanna Vega's original draft of this song was called, "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" But her producer was all, "Whoa, whoa, Suzy! Tone it down a bit! That's something that slut Debbie Harry would sing about! People love you for your great songs like Uncle Tom's Cabin and Luke Skywalker!" Then she was all, "Well, I once read a terrific poem about metaphor by a really great writer and I also once heard a Monkees song that was basically about date rape and toys. Maybe I could do something with those influences!" Then she came up with this song and the producer sold "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" to Belinda Carlisle.
Grade: B.
Under the Western Freeway by Grandaddy
The music to this song is exactly what I imagine a tumbleweed hears as it goes about its business in the background of westerns and back roads of Arizona. If you've never heard this song, I imagine you have no idea what that might sound like. But if you have heard this song, you're now thinking, "Holy shit. That's exactly what this sounds like! It also sounds like a kid was told to write a three minute song and came up with fifteen seconds of music that he decided to put on a loop. But that's basically what you said with the tumbleweed thing!" But don't let this review and the subsequent grade lead you to believe that the album this is from (also called Under the Western Freeway) isn't a good album! It's just that Grandaddy must have thought, "What's a good way to make people think this record sucks? How about we do a title track that's more boring than Superman Special #1: Escape From Dinosaur Island?!"
Grade: D+.
Cars Pass in Cold Blood by The Faint
I've had this album for years and never really paid attention to the lyrics of this song so I decided to look them up online right now. I'm more confused about this song than before I knew the lyrics! It felt right listening to this song as Jesus's apostles listened to his parables. I would think, "Oh yeah, Todd! Cars do pass in cold blood! And there really isn't any time for whatever you just said in the line before! Totally get where you're coming from, dude. Rock it out!" But now that I've read the lyrics, I have a feeling Todd was sitting in traffic one day when an ambulance was trying to get by and some business man was trying to get around the traffic and blocked the ambulance and Todd thought, "I wish I had that guy's balls!" Then he wrote a song about it. I wish Jesus were here to explain the parable to me since I obviously have no ability to understand it.
Grade: B+.
己を信じて進むのみ by 手塚理・Vink2
This is from the Slayers (スレイヤーズ) Next soundtrack. It sounds a bit like a marching song. Slayers was a Japanese cartoon about a wizard named Lina Inverse who had small breasts. I'm pretty sure that's important to the narrative since Ghourry and all of the enemies Lina encounters mention it constantly. But it's not one of those Japanese cartoons where you get to see naked people or squids do sexy things to orifices. It's rated whatever rating is the one that doesn't mind the constant talk of small boobs and where another important plot point can be how Lina loses her powers when she's menstruating. I haven't watched the series in a long time because I own it on VHS. I do remember watching it in the '90s one time while on LSD. I was with my not-yet-burned-up friend Bobby Henline (you can Google him if you're curious about that statement (but don't read his poetry or you might begin to think my poem was making fun of his)) and I came up with the classic routine about the VCR remote control. It went something like this, "How come when you hit the play button, it plays the video. And when you hit the pause button, it pauses the video. But you can also hit the pause button to play the video once it's paused? What's up with that?!" Such classic stuff! I also realized how triangles and the number three were at the center of understanding the meaning of the universe but when I sobered up, I couldn't remember how to express it and it didn't seem important anymore anyway.
Grade: C.
* * * * * * * * * *
Letters to Me!
Letters to Me!
KB Writes: Guess who's been a useless lump of lump? Me! Haven't been writing, though I have been reading your newsletters.
My Reply: I wish I wasn't writing! You know how much Fortnite there is to be played? It's not going to play itself, you know? Stupid obsession with putting my thoughts onto virtual paper! Where has it gotten me? In a place where I've played far less Fortnite than I wanted to!
KB Writes: You said: "We have become a society where the thing you love must somehow remain the thing it was at the moment you began loving it (and you must also be the only one that loves that thing as much as you love that thing because obviously nobody else understands it the way you do (although you hate them for not understanding it the same way. How can they not?! (But then if they said they did, you'd think to yourself, "Pshaw. Poseur.")))."
I think our brains are wired to worry about things, but in a society where most of our worries are more existential than practical, the worry-lobes of our brains make damn sure we have something to worry about. It's like how our immune systems are built to identify invaders from early childhood, but kids growing up in oversanitized households end up with allergies because their immune systems get bored and start identifying peanut butter sandwiches as a deadly threat. In the same way, people who are very very comfortable develop strong opinions about, say, the "Thundercats" reboot. (We Star Trekly types, at least, have been taught to feel a little shame for our obsessions.)
My Reply: This probably makes scientific sense and I'm going to espouse this belief from now on whenever some kid with a peanut allergy wanders by. I'll be all, "KB says you're mom tried to have you killed!" Then I'll shove three Nutter Butters in my mouth and say, through a mouth full of nutty goodness, "Oh man. These are so worth dying for! Want one?" Then he'll probably die from the peanut smell on my breath. Good! He deserved it, probably.
Fun Star Trek fact: my house number growing up was 1701! I never dressed it up as the Starship Enterprise on Halloween though because I was lazy.
KB Continues as if I hadn't rudely cut him off mid-thought: The thing is, there are all sorts of things that need to be done in our world, so if you're bored enough that you can stand in line for "Rick and Morty" giveaways at McDonalds, that's a sign that you should open your eyes and widen your circle. Help somebody with such resources as you have. It's not hard to find people who need help; hell, QKB and I are a little frightened of making new friends because we keep finding people in trouble, and our little life raft often feels like it's a little past capacity already. It's exhausting, but we take at least some comfort in not being the sort of people who would riot because McDonalds didn't make enough Szechuan Sauce.
My Reply: I imagine if I wasn't so narcissistic, I'd point out that I am one of the useless masses. I think we should put people into two groups: those who would actually be useful at rebuilding society after civilization crumbles and those who would just be in the way. I have a feeling the new world wouldn't need somebody standing nearby making fun of the guy setting up the aqueduct because he sewed the leaves on his frock poorly. Also I would be naked because sewing? Ew!
KB Asks: Speaking of, do you have any tofu-cooking tips? I came up with a recipe recently: tofu fried with cinnamon, honey, and cranberries. Tastes like Christmas in a vegan compound.
My Reply: I don't have any tofu cooking tips. Frying it is probably best. Make it nice and crispy and crunchy and add some kind of hot sauce, depending on your taste. This is unhelpful because I don't ever remember the things advertisers want people to remember (I'm terrible at capitalism) but there was...oh! I just remembered so maybe I'm not so bad at it! There was a product called Smart Grounds that I used to use to make tofu tacos. It had the consistency of ground meat. After flavoring it with taco seasoning, you could hardly tell the difference. A little drier than actual beef or turkey but that just means less greasy!
KB Writes: Snagglepuss said: "The purpose of art is subversion. Art is telling the world how it's killing you. How its institutions have failed you. In the end, any culture worth a damn is made by subversives. Because art is what tells the world it needs to change. Power merely redecorates it."
Goddamn Snagglepuss, that's some insight. The pedant in me (possibly Atom Ant) wants to observe that there are other legitimate purposes for art, but probably none are as important as challenging the audience.
My Reply: Yeah, the pedant in you doesn't need to add anything. Snagglepuss was speaking in a particular context to a particular set of freedom crushing bastards. I'm sure, in other settings, he'd have other things to say about art. I just love the sentence "Art is telling the world how it's killing you." Hoo boy.
KB Writes: You wrote: "Anyway, I'm about to read Frankenstein and I think it might cause some feelings in much the same way Snagglepuss has. Did that sound dirty?"
Sorry, no. Mostly I found myself thinking, 'whatever you do, don't read Dracula, or as I call it, "Eastern European Train Schedules: The Novelization".'
My Reply: So I've been reading Frankenstein and so far, Victor has created the monster out of mystery and hard work. But immediately after he's successful, he freaks the fuck out and lets it go on its own. So he didn't mind spending nine months in a sweltering summer apartment full of loose body parts but he can't bear to spend a single second in the presence of a living person. I totally get that.
Later, when Victor once again encounters his creation two years later, Shelley writes, "A flash of lightning illuminated the object, and discovered its shape plainly to me; its gigantic stature, and the deformity of its aspect, more hideous than belongs to humanity, instantly informed me that it was the wretch, the filthy daemon, to whom I had given life. What did he there? Could he be (I shuddered at the conception) the murderer of my brother? No sooner did the idea cross my imagination, than I became convinced of its truth; my teeth chattered, and I was forced to lean against a tree for support. The figure passed me quickly, and I lost it in the gloom. Nothing in human shape could have destroyed that fair child. He was the murderer! I could not doubt it. The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact."
Fucking gorgeous passage. Can we just get teachers to teach this one paragraph? In it, it contains all the psychology of systemic racism and belief in conspiracy theory and conservative debate! "The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact." Fucking hell. Somebody read this to every police officer in America. And then explain it to them, of course!
My Reply: I wish I wasn't writing! You know how much Fortnite there is to be played? It's not going to play itself, you know? Stupid obsession with putting my thoughts onto virtual paper! Where has it gotten me? In a place where I've played far less Fortnite than I wanted to!
KB Writes: You said: "We have become a society where the thing you love must somehow remain the thing it was at the moment you began loving it (and you must also be the only one that loves that thing as much as you love that thing because obviously nobody else understands it the way you do (although you hate them for not understanding it the same way. How can they not?! (But then if they said they did, you'd think to yourself, "Pshaw. Poseur.")))."
I think our brains are wired to worry about things, but in a society where most of our worries are more existential than practical, the worry-lobes of our brains make damn sure we have something to worry about. It's like how our immune systems are built to identify invaders from early childhood, but kids growing up in oversanitized households end up with allergies because their immune systems get bored and start identifying peanut butter sandwiches as a deadly threat. In the same way, people who are very very comfortable develop strong opinions about, say, the "Thundercats" reboot. (We Star Trekly types, at least, have been taught to feel a little shame for our obsessions.)
My Reply: This probably makes scientific sense and I'm going to espouse this belief from now on whenever some kid with a peanut allergy wanders by. I'll be all, "KB says you're mom tried to have you killed!" Then I'll shove three Nutter Butters in my mouth and say, through a mouth full of nutty goodness, "Oh man. These are so worth dying for! Want one?" Then he'll probably die from the peanut smell on my breath. Good! He deserved it, probably.
Fun Star Trek fact: my house number growing up was 1701! I never dressed it up as the Starship Enterprise on Halloween though because I was lazy.
KB Continues as if I hadn't rudely cut him off mid-thought: The thing is, there are all sorts of things that need to be done in our world, so if you're bored enough that you can stand in line for "Rick and Morty" giveaways at McDonalds, that's a sign that you should open your eyes and widen your circle. Help somebody with such resources as you have. It's not hard to find people who need help; hell, QKB and I are a little frightened of making new friends because we keep finding people in trouble, and our little life raft often feels like it's a little past capacity already. It's exhausting, but we take at least some comfort in not being the sort of people who would riot because McDonalds didn't make enough Szechuan Sauce.
My Reply: I imagine if I wasn't so narcissistic, I'd point out that I am one of the useless masses. I think we should put people into two groups: those who would actually be useful at rebuilding society after civilization crumbles and those who would just be in the way. I have a feeling the new world wouldn't need somebody standing nearby making fun of the guy setting up the aqueduct because he sewed the leaves on his frock poorly. Also I would be naked because sewing? Ew!
KB Asks: Speaking of, do you have any tofu-cooking tips? I came up with a recipe recently: tofu fried with cinnamon, honey, and cranberries. Tastes like Christmas in a vegan compound.
My Reply: I don't have any tofu cooking tips. Frying it is probably best. Make it nice and crispy and crunchy and add some kind of hot sauce, depending on your taste. This is unhelpful because I don't ever remember the things advertisers want people to remember (I'm terrible at capitalism) but there was...oh! I just remembered so maybe I'm not so bad at it! There was a product called Smart Grounds that I used to use to make tofu tacos. It had the consistency of ground meat. After flavoring it with taco seasoning, you could hardly tell the difference. A little drier than actual beef or turkey but that just means less greasy!
KB Writes: Snagglepuss said: "The purpose of art is subversion. Art is telling the world how it's killing you. How its institutions have failed you. In the end, any culture worth a damn is made by subversives. Because art is what tells the world it needs to change. Power merely redecorates it."
Goddamn Snagglepuss, that's some insight. The pedant in me (possibly Atom Ant) wants to observe that there are other legitimate purposes for art, but probably none are as important as challenging the audience.
My Reply: Yeah, the pedant in you doesn't need to add anything. Snagglepuss was speaking in a particular context to a particular set of freedom crushing bastards. I'm sure, in other settings, he'd have other things to say about art. I just love the sentence "Art is telling the world how it's killing you." Hoo boy.
KB Writes: You wrote: "Anyway, I'm about to read Frankenstein and I think it might cause some feelings in much the same way Snagglepuss has. Did that sound dirty?"
Sorry, no. Mostly I found myself thinking, 'whatever you do, don't read Dracula, or as I call it, "Eastern European Train Schedules: The Novelization".'
My Reply: So I've been reading Frankenstein and so far, Victor has created the monster out of mystery and hard work. But immediately after he's successful, he freaks the fuck out and lets it go on its own. So he didn't mind spending nine months in a sweltering summer apartment full of loose body parts but he can't bear to spend a single second in the presence of a living person. I totally get that.
Later, when Victor once again encounters his creation two years later, Shelley writes, "A flash of lightning illuminated the object, and discovered its shape plainly to me; its gigantic stature, and the deformity of its aspect, more hideous than belongs to humanity, instantly informed me that it was the wretch, the filthy daemon, to whom I had given life. What did he there? Could he be (I shuddered at the conception) the murderer of my brother? No sooner did the idea cross my imagination, than I became convinced of its truth; my teeth chattered, and I was forced to lean against a tree for support. The figure passed me quickly, and I lost it in the gloom. Nothing in human shape could have destroyed that fair child. He was the murderer! I could not doubt it. The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact."
Fucking gorgeous passage. Can we just get teachers to teach this one paragraph? In it, it contains all the psychology of systemic racism and belief in conspiracy theory and conservative debate! "The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact." Fucking hell. Somebody read this to every police officer in America. And then explain it to them, of course!
* * * * * * * * * *
I really wrote too much this week! Later, jerks!
