Friday, July 3, 2026

HItman #8 (Late November 1996)


Is this one of those "There's an event happening in Gotham due to Batman so all characters in Gotham must take part" issue?

Hitman #8 (Late November 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I think I have a vague memory of this issue. Isn't there some huge blackout thing in Gotham that's making Batman put in overtime and editorial was all, "Garth! Tommy's in Gotham. You have to do a 'Final Night' issue!" And Garth was all, "Hmm, a blackout, hunh? I guess Tommy and his buddies will just be sitting in Noonan's all night drinking beers and talking shite!" Maybe they also kill people who interrupt the gab sesh every now and then just to make things exciting. Also perhaps we learn Tommy's loss of virginity story? Not with a girl but with a gun, I mean! And I don't mean he fucks a gun! Or do I? Fuck, let's just read this shit!

The issue begins with the blackout. But it's not a Gotham blackout; it's a whole world blackout. I don't remember this "event" at all but I guess Darkseid ate the sun or something and now Hitman and his friends were going to have to just sit in Noonan's and wait it out.

Oh, fine. I'll do some online research to see what "The Final Night" was all about. It's scary though because the kind of people who say they do online research are total buffoons who believe the dumbest shit! So if I wind up believing that 9/11 was an inside job and that ordering pizza means you want to fuck children, I'm going to be pissed!

Apparently "The Final Night" was about somebody eating the sun but it wasn't Darkseid. And Hal Jordan died during it? Seriously?! How the fuck do I not remember this bullshit?! I have the vaguest memory of being a cynical asshole and scoffing at how this was just a Galactus story for DC with Dusk, the lady coming to warn Earth, just a stand-in for Silver Surfer. But I'm fairly certain this Hitman issue is the only tie-in comic I own of this crossover event. And it's barely a tie-in!

When the sun goes out, Hacken, Sean, Tommy, Ringo, and Natt lock themselves into Noonan's to get by on hot dogs and beer until the heroes turn the sun back on. While they tell stories, they occasionally have to take a break to shoot a looter in the face. So exactly how I remembered it!


Their stories revolve around the closest they ever came to losing their butt cherry. Sean goes first.

Noonan's story is a harrowing encounter with an officer alone together on a snowy battlefield.


I'm doing that thing right now where you tug your shirt collar and go, "Yeeeaaaooo."

Is that the correct noise? It's been awhile since I've watched a comedy from the '50s. Or was that move invented in the '60s and '70s on comedy sketch shows?

Sean Noonan doesn't sport a colostomy bag so you know he maintained his butt purity on this occasion. He's saved by air support flying over and the officer being too shy to buttfuck in front of witnesses.

Later Sean is all, "I didn't want that blade up my bunghole. But I sorted it later for good."


Of course you did, Sean! It's why God had to destroy Sodom! He couldn't let people spread the word about how great it is!

The boys take the story in stride but begin to get a little uncomfortable when Sean just won't stop giving them all the dirty details.


Stupid comic book using silhouettes to hide all the good bits!

Natt's up next and his story involves a drug deal gone wrong. How wrong's a drug deal got to go before somebody gets fucked in the ass, you're wondering? I think just regular wrong, really.


Natt ready to get smoked! "Smoked" is AAVE for "anal", right?

Hacken's a fuck up so he gets the story idea backwards and tells a story about a guy he knew who fucked some chickens.


I don't think you can fuck a chicken in the ass. I guess it's technically the cloaca? And it's also the vagina. And maybe the penis? Ugh. I'm never eating chicken again.

Ringo's next so you know his story is going to be all super serious. Ringo's story begins in Hong Kong where he was sent by an uncle to do his first hit.


I was in Hong Kong in 1997 and this must be the closest to the way it looked then that I've seen it depicted (and I don't even know if this is accurate! At least it looks familiar!). It's changed so much over the last 30 years, I never fucking recognize modern photographs of it.

I was going to dig through my old travel photos to find some of Hong Kong's skyline but was derailed by photos from my college graduation party at my grandmother's house. I was so young! And gorgeous! If I had a time machine, my story about the closest I ever came to losing my butt cherry would be me being attacked by older me at my college graduation party!

Dammit. I should probably post one now that I fucking talked about it. Just remember I was a little fat at the time. I lost like fifty pounds about six months after this!


From left to right: Sweetie, Doom Bunny, me, my sister, my nephew, and Bob "the Well-Done Comedian" Henline (in his raw form).

Ringo meets Death but Death isn't horny like Gaiman's Death. Was Death of The Endless horny? I remember her being horny! Was I projecting? Don't tell me I was projecting! I totally would have let her peg me. Anyway, Ringo manages to not get pegged by death. Hmm, Pegged by Death might need to be the title of my autobiography.

Anyway, I guess it's Tommy's turn next. Which doesn't seem like he needs a chance to go. Shouldn't he just point to his last two story arcs where he was almost taken out by a Nazi demon from Hell and the greatest assassin to ever where a white suit?

Tommy's story was just about learning to stand up to a bully or a guy with a gun pointed in your face when he was just a kid. Or, I mean, a guy trying to force his way into the back of your underwear.


This was before he perfected all of his fat jokes.

I'd make that panel into my header but it might make me cry every time I visit my own blog.

The Ranking!
Fuck I miss stories like this! I'm not saying they don't still exist but television series and comic books don't really like to take a moment of downtime to have characters just sit around doing character stuff! Everything is always PLOT PLOT PLOT! I sort of understand why after seeing all the stupid comments from friends and family every time an episode of The Walking Dead didn't advance the plot at all. And those same jerks basically hated 4 out of 5 episodes of Lost because that gem was basically character work every fucking episode! We had to learn why they all ended up in Purgatory! Except, I mean, obviously it wasn't Purgatory after a certain point! But it still works if you don't mind going with the flow as shit changes because changing shit from Purgatory to the Dharma Initiative actually works fairly decently. Anyway, great issue highlighting the main fucking reason Ennis wants to write this comic book: friends sitting around drinking and talking shite!

Thursday, July 2, 2026

Hitman #7 (Early November 1996)


Cue the theme to The Bad News Bears.

Hitman #7 (Early November 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I know the theme to The Bad News Bears is actually "Carmen" but why call it that when the only thing I can think about when I hear it are daft kids playing baseball? I suppose I can also hear "Bolero" playing when I look at the cover but only if the massacre is happening in slow motion.

Pretty much the only reason I log into Facebook is for the memory feed because I'm the only person in my life who spends their time entertaining me. And it's memories like this that keep me coming back:

I wrote a poem!

"Once upon a midnight dreary, The Jabberwock could see me clearly,
Masturbating quite furiously over some hardcore gay porn,
With my rod out, quickly fapping, suddenly I needed crapping,
Urgently I stopped my slapping, flapping through my bathroom door.
'You're disgusting,' he gallumphed, 'grappling with your vorpal sword.'
Snicker snack and nothing more."

I should probably just take all of my memories from Facebook, mix them up in a hat, build a 365 day advent calendar and fucking fuck off of Facebook altogether! It really is useless for anything but the memories feed. The day Facebook starts putting adverts in the memory feed, I'm off of it for good. But first I need to download all of my terrifically hilarious posts! Most of them were wasted on friends and family anyway. The only people who get me are total strangers and future me.

This issue begins with Natt the Hat pulling a Christine on Moe Dubelz' place.


Christine (and her Lich driver) literally do this in the book to the guy who owns the auto shop where Arnie fucks her. I mean fixes her. No, no. I was right the first time.

The first guy Natt and Tommy kill is Lincoln the cop who was visiting Moe to warn him about Tommy still being alive. They ran over his feet last issue because Tommy didn't want to be on the run as a cop killer for the rest of his life. I guess this way, when the cops find his corpse in Moe Dublez' mansion, they'll just shrug and think, "Fucker deserved it, I guess. Not for being corrupt but for being stupid and getting his ass killed due to the corruption." Then they all steal a bunch of Moe's art to sell on the black market and logging the morning spent looting the place as overtime.

What follows are a few more pages of people being shot in the face and their heads exploding (one of those being the corpse of Joe Dubelz which means Moe really ain't long for this world now). I stopped counting bullets at about 144 by page 7. I guess if you do the math and multiply that number by 3 (being that the story is 22 pages), you get, let's see, um, 10,000 bullets!


"Listen to all that gunfire! Probably a good idea to get my body all up in there!"

Nightfist is neither stupid nor brave. He's just on a fuck-load of cocaine.


Don't do drugs, kids. But, I mean, if you really, really want to, stick to LSD and shrooms.

I told my mother, for the first time ever last week, that I used to go to Marriott's Great America and drop acid or do shrooms. She had just revealed to me that her boyfriend has never done drugs (he's in his late sixties! (she's a cougar in her late seventies!)) and I said, "Boring!", and then I heard him in the background go, "Hey!" Man, that made me laugh. He's a good guy and I'm glad she's finally dating after literal decades! Anyway, she told me she'd never done LSD but she had done shrooms once: at the movies while watching The Shining. Between the diet pill amphetamines and watching The Shining on shrooms, I now know why my mother was so fucking insane in the late '70s and early '80s!

After Nightfist gets it, the chef goes down to Natt. It doesn't seem worth mentioning but since the fight is 3 or 4 pages long, I think it mattered. Then Moe Dubelz finally gets his head blown off by Tommy. And finally, Tommy just about dies, again, to Johnny Navarone. Johnny only wings Tommy on the one shot he gets off before Tommy dives and fires off a wild shot that blows Navarone's gun up in his hand, ruining his future career as a hitman. Not that his future career lasts long since Tommy kills him just a couple panels later.

And so the story ends with Tommy and Natt on the roof in the rain. There's some foreshadowing and there's a fat joke. I'll just scan the foreshadowing and let you think up your own fat joke.


Pretty sure they reference Butch and Sundance in the final issue as well. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. It's one of the all-time great gunfighter endings. Aside from Young Guns II, I mean!

The Ranking!
I'm not even sure I remember the ending to Young Guns II! I think it's just that stupid ending where the old man pretending to be Billy the Kid finishes his story and walks away or something. And even though I love the movie, it was a joke to say it had a great ending. It's funnier than saying the first movie because that one's ending was pretty good because Jack Palance takes one in the brain just when you think he's gonna get away with being a huge dick the whole time. But Young Guns II had a great soundtrack by Jon Bon Jovi! One of the songs on that album is the reason Hugh Grant answers Jon Bon Jovi to the question "Who said no man is an island?" while watching game shows at the beginning of About a Boy! "They say that no man is an island! That good things come to those who wait!" How many people watched that scene and just thought, "That guy's dumb!", instead of "Yeah! Jon Bon Jovi did say that!"

Oh wait! This was the ranking section! Um, uh, um . . . great googly moogly! So good!

Wednesday, July 1, 2026

Hitman #6 (October 1996)


This cover kept gaslighting me into thinking I was missing an issue. It's actually Part 3 of "Ten Thousand Bullets".

Hitman #6 (October 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

According to the first six issues of this series (I'm including this one based on the cover), Tommy doesn't just have X-ray vision and telepathy. He also has some kind of invulnerability to bullets. Sure bullets blast through him and spray a lot of blood but they cause no real harm. They basically become the Ich Luger bullets from Heathers. Dude, I know they weren't real and it was just a lie. But the lie was told by such a handsome devil, I still believe the lie. Even after explaining that I know it was a lie! I want to go shoot some football bros right now with some Ich Lugers!

Johnny Navarone must have worked for Planetary because every dude who works for Elijah Snow winds up in a white suit. Your argument against that might be that The Drummer doesn't but I'd argue The Drummer doesn't actually work. The Drummer certainly doesn't work for Elijah Snow. He was more adopted by him. As was Jakita. Was Elijah Snow just collecting children?

Last issue, Tommy took a contract to kill Nightfist which turned out to be a set-up. The story previous to this one, Tommy took a contract to kill The Joker which turned out to be a set-up. It's even possible that the job before that, the one where he was to kill Moe Dubelz' father, the one where he ended up as a meal for Glonth, was also a set-up by the Bloodlines aliens. Who can say?!

When I ask, "Who can say?", what I'm actually saying is "I'm not going to believe anybody who offers any evidence contrary to the thing I've already decided to fully believe." After all, I am — by birth and by accident and by the words of the Constitution — an American. That whole "Change My Mind" meme featuring that piece of shit whose name I thankfully can't remember should be included in the dictionary definition of an American. "Change my mind" just means "You're a fucking fool if you think any evidence at all will divert me from the path I've already decided upon!" But even better, it's a portrait of the type of person who doesn't mind looking like a complete fucking idiot to most everybody in exchange for garnering an audience of the saddest morons in the country. "Look, ma! Nobody can change his mind! He's a genu-wine dee-bate genius!"

That reminds me of another so-called debate genius whose name I can't remember who lost a pretty big debate in Utah. I bet he wishes Ich Luger bullets were real! I mean wished. Sorry!


Just replace "hitman" with "online comic book reviewer" and Johnny's basically saying exactly what I say to introduce myself at parties.

After this long-ass villain monologue, Johnny shoots Tommy in the arm so he isn't that great a hitman. He can't even hit somebody's head when they're at point blank range and not moving! I would never miss a kill shot against a rival comic book review blog! Although I do partake in an awful lot of super villain monologues. Often with nobody even listening!

After Johnny shoots Tommy in the arm, he stands around for a couple panels silently. Doing nothing. At least nothing the reader can see. My guess, based on some of my earlier suppositions about Nightfist (and probably every other character in the DC and Marvel Universe over the last fifteen years), is that he's coming in his pants. His ejaculation takes so long that it gives Nightfist time to come in his pants and also time for Natt to throw a grenade at Johnny (and Tommy! But it's probably a stun or smoke grenade).


Johnny and Nightfist both coming in their pants at the same time. Romantic!

Based on that panel where Nightfist jizzes his shorts, I realize I need to apologize for being wrong earlier. Nightfist has way more body armor than just his forehead. When I first saw his design, I was too distracted by his groin chain to realize he had Kevlar across his chest.

Instead of a flash or smoke, the grenade Natt throws explodes. But because Natt yelled, "Tommy!", he alerts Tommy to the danger and he rolls out of the way. Johnny takes the brunt of the explosion but I guess it's one of those non-shrapnel grenades because he's not seriously hurt even though it explodes right at his feet. Maybe everybody's using stun grenades that look like actual explosions but cause no actual harm. Ich Luger grenades!


Tommy has the same concerns I have! But probably more so.

Once again, Tommy's dying from his wounds but he doesn't have a Nazi demon from Hell with magical healing powers to help him out. He needs medical help but the only place close enough is his girlfriend Wendy's place. I forget. Is she a doctor or something?! Or does he just figure it'll be nice to see her one last time before he dies?

I guess it's just a place where they can keep Tommy stable while they have Sean Noonan head to them to help. He knows battlefield surgery and shit like that because he was in Korea and he was a hitman and he owns a bar. Wendy freaks out a little bit because she didn't know Tommy was an assassin. But Tommy is all, "That's on you, honey! I told you when we first met and you thought I was joking! Stupid idiot!" I bet she feels like a fool now. Tommy comes from the school of Homer Simpson wisdom: "It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen!"


He never lied the same way Batman never kills. If you squint your eyes at the truth and say "technically" a lot, is how I mean.

Wendy gives Tommy and Natt and Sean a nice ethical verbal thrashing and they scurry out of her apartment with the terrible feeling that comes with somebody truly seeing you. Sure, they're great guys! They take care of their friends! They love to have a beer and a laugh while playing a little poker. But they're also murderers. And Wendy doesn't seem to think it's right that they can act so casual about taking the lives of other people, no matter how badly those people can be judged by society. They walk out with that feeling that Batman never wants to have to feel which, I think, is the main reason he doesn't kill. Who wants to be screamed at by some self-righteous person who has never needed to kill before and made to feel awful?! At least Batman, going all squinty, can be all, "I have not, technically, killed anybody ever! Technically!"

Meanwhile, Nightfist has recovered and is currently beating the shit out of drug dealers and stealing their cocaine because there's bat-nobody around to put him in the bat-hospital where he might later die of bat-sepsis which, technically, isn't a bat-person's fault. At all.

Actually on this night and fist, Nightfist is looking for intel. He wants to know the names of the jerks who tried to kill him. He learns that he was set up by the corrupt cop Lincoln to lure out Hitman so that Johnny Navarone could kill him. So instead of being dead, Nightfist becomes just another one of Tommy's problems. Or maybe a help, I suppose, if he concentrates on going after Lincoln or Navarone.

Tommy and Natt see corrupt cop Lincoln on the street and decide to give him a little payback in an absolutely comic book way. Meaning it doesn't make any sense but, you know what, who the fuck cares?


I mentioned earlier that you can tell the bad guys in the Ennis-verse by just how physically disfigured they get. Here's Lincoln now living a life with smooshed feet.

You know how people say "If you see somebody shoplifting baby formula, no you didn't"? They've got the same saying in Gotham but for when you run over a cop.

Tommy and Natt drop in on Pat to find him bleeding out in the tub. Navarone dropped by to grill him about Tommy but he didn't say shit. He was trying to be like the tough guys he hangs out with, like the hitmen and assassins. He wanted to earn their respect so he didn't blab. So I guess Pat does die this early! Look at me being surprised (sort of)! Tommy actually puts a bullet in Pat's brain to end his misery because he saw what Johnny did to him and also because he read Of Mice and Men and understood the main theme: if you have a best friend, you need to murder the shit out of them. But of course Tommy also understands the sequel to Of Mice and Men which Steinbeck never wrote: Of Mice and Men II: Other People's Dogs. See, the subtitle of that means it's time to go on a fucking rampage. This is why this story arc is called "Ten Thousand Bullets". Because Tommy's about to go shoot ten thousand bullets into Moe Dubelz, Johnny Navarone, and every one of Dubelz' thugs he can find.


That's what I just said!

The Ranking!
It's like six issues in and Garth had to be all, "Wait, wait. You remember this is a serious comic book, right? It's not all beers and cigs and laughter! It's about a hitman and people get shot and killed all the time! I think Garth Ennis plots his comics like this: "#1. Laugh with friends. #2. Laugh and drink with friends. #3. Laugh because the bad guy got maimed in a crazy way. #4. Sex and laughter and smoking. #5. Less laughing because we're getting serious face. #6. Weep you motherfuckers. #7. Laughter but because of the extreme violence necessary to redeem the weeping." It's a pretty good system!

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

Hitman #5 (September 1996)


If Hitman tweaked Nightfist's motto for his own use, it'd be, "He will night you with his man!"

Hitman #5 (September 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

Oh oh! Should we look at a letter from my old high school friend, Soy Rakelson?! Yes please! Let's!

Soy, or Yor as he calls himself in this letter so I should probably do that as well, was responding to a movie review I wrote for M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable (Warning: dated language used by a character that was already meant to be offensive even in 2000). I'm going to be interrupting Yor's letter throughout so his quotes will be in blockquote formatting and my responses will be in, um, regular formatting.

Dear Editor,

First off, Yor directs the letter to the Editor because he needs to address authority. You'll see in the letter that his complaints revolve around the things fictional characters say but he can't quite accept the concept of a fictional work where two different characters with opposing viewpoints discuss something. He needs to ask an authoritative voice, "What does it mean? What is the answer? Give me the Truth with the capital 'T'!" Also, I guess, he knew I was the authority and he wanted to argue with me and not a couple of one dimensional cartoon characters. He probably just wanted to say, "Enough with the stupid conceit of differing viewpoints discussing a piece of media which suggests moral relativism to me because you, the writer, don't believe in Truth. What did YOU think, [MY LAST NAME]?"

The dialogue between Nice Alice and the other foul-mouthed man, Mr. Death Rock, regarding their discussion of Unbreakable was interesting, but unclear.

First off, that's Mr. Rock, Jovi fan. Second off, don't make me introduce you to Bo and Luke Duke! Third off, um, wait, I'm not Death Rock. Sorry. What I meant to say was Yor didn't actually find the review interesting. He simply found it unclear because I didn't write, "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK OF UNBREAKABLE!" Yor's my friend who once asked me, during a discussion of Lost Highway, if the auteur doesn't have an obligation to make themselves clear to the audience. In that same exact conversation, he noticed my copy of John Barth's Lost in the Funhouse and was all, "Oh man! That story with The Swimmers is so good!" And I was all, "You mean the story about the sperm?" And he looked at me flabbergasted and was all, "Wait what?!" When I realized he couldn't have truly understood the story without understanding that the swimmers were sperm with one having an existential crisis, it meant he couldn't have truly understood the story. So I asked him, "Don't you think the auteur has an obligation to make themselves clear to the audience?" Anyway, Yor was looking for my actual feelings on the movie without all the fun fictional bullshit and the overall conceit of my whole movie review site. You know, where two diametrically opposed characters discuss a movie and not whether I actually liked the film or not. Sure, it's not the most philosophical work I've ever done because it mostly amounts to "I liked the movie because tits!" versus "I liked the movie because it was sweet and cute!" But overall, I think I got some decent insight into a bunch of films around 1999 and 2000.

Do you agree with the movie's premise that we are defined by our opposites?

This is how Yor always debated. He's ready to plant his flag in stable ground right from the start and then argues from that position while I was always all, "Whoa whoa whoa! You're moving too fast, buddy! I'm not even sure that that's the premise of the movie!" I mean, I could easily have come out of the gate with "Do you agree with the movie's premise that basing your life on a single text and then proselytizing to others to get them to believe your views on the intersection of that text and the modern world is not just a mistake but the foundational building blocks of terrorism itself?" One time we were riding bikes down Benton when he asked me, "Do you believe animals have souls?" And I was all, "Whoa whoa whoa! You're moving too fast. I don't even believe people have souls!" And then he got that look on his face which meant, "I've got to go back to the drawing board and consult some C.S. Lewis texts to find a way to trick this piece of garbage into getting some faith!"

Oh, and to answer Yor's question: No, I don't think that. Only people who believe in good and evil, black and white, God and Satan, would believe that! Oh, I see. Yor believes it!

Or is one's identity known intrinsically?

Yor loves to pose debate questions like this. "Do you believe the thing that I believe? Or do you believe the only other possibility?! Which is stupid, by the way!" I doubt Yor meant to sound so simple here. He was just deep in setting up his logic trap which needs to have clearly defined walls to lure in his victim. So you either believe his premise or the premise he's prepared to tear apart. Our identities are so complex! The only people who define them by their opposites are boring edgelord rebels who wind up turning to Nazism because they were once called an asshole online by a thirteen-year old in a Sailor Moon forum. But not believing that doesn't mean I have to believe that we're somehow born knowing our identity. Our identities are formed by our experiences. Thoser are varied and complex and almost never based on reacting to our opposites. Especially since we can't know what our opposites are if we don't know who we are (an idea we'll touch on more as we move further into Yor's mind. I mean letter). Perhaps there's something intrinsic in our temperaments that don't really change much due to whatever brain chemistry we were given but which we can change via pharmaceutical chemistry! I don't know and I wouldn't claim to know. But I do know that if you base your identity on your opposite than you either have to already have an identity to know who your opposite is or you have to be an unformed ball of goo with no curiosity or passion up until you meet somebody who makes you think, "That's dumb!" and then you become the antagonist of their story. In that view, you can never be the protagonist though and who wants that (except in the bedroom)?

And why must one be called "sad and needy" by consulting others to help clarify one's own identity?

Pretty sure this was the main reason Yor responded to my review. He felt personally attacked by Death Rock calling people who look to religion as sad and needy. You know he felt attacked enough to respond and quote only this insult by Death Rock when Death Rock previous to this used the slurs "retard" and "homo". Yor didn't have any problem with that because Death Rock didn't call people who need religion those things. He was mostly just talking about Bright Boy and, um, uh, Grunion Guy? Wait a second! Death Rock's a fucking jerk! How dare he?!

Yor quotes Death Rock by pulling "sad and needy" but the real quote was "Bruce Willis bought into it because he was just as sad and needy for defining as Mr. Glass." So Death Rock didn't describe a person as "sad and needy" for looking outward to clarify who they were. Death Rock was saying Bruce Willis was sad because of all the reasons Death Rock outlined earlier: bad marriage, loss of heroic feeling as a high school football star, survivor's guilt from the train accident. And Willis was also "needy for defining" or, more clearly, needy for meaning in his life. Death Rock wasn't saying Willis was needy! He was "needy for definition"! He was needy for meaning! That's on my writing, I suppose. It wasn't super clear and that whole "sad and needy" would have set off the defense sirens of anybody who knows in their heart that they are, in fact, sad and needy!

Okay, that was a cheap shot at Yor. Sorry, Yor! But you probably deserved it.

(I found it ironic that Death Rock found the most pleasure in drinking "like a Mexican whore." Is he not relying upon the identity of a stereotype to define his desire? You would think someone so critical of Mr. Unbreakable's search for happiness and identity would choose his words more carefully.)

Oh shit! You got him, Yor! You fucking nailed him! How dare Death Rock use a descriptive yet racially and sex worker negatively insensitive simile to describe one of his only passions in life (the others being The Dukes of Hazzard, beating the shit out of people, and Slayer)! I sometimes wonder how much Yor comprehends when he's reading a text and how much he's just looking for things that either share his confirmation bias so he can blast his load all over the back cover photo of C.S. Lewis or for things that are diametrically opposed to what makes him shoot his load on boudoir line drawings of C.S. Lewis in skimpy undergarments? "Is he not relying upon the identity of a stereotype to define his desire?" Um, no. He wasn't. He was just being colorful! And racist. And misogynist! Sheesh! Maybe stop being okay with all the casual gross shit Death Rock spews just to argue your points!

It seems he has many issues, but alas, this is not the focus of my letter.

That's better! I'm glad Yor noticed Death Rock has many issues. Also I'm glad it wasn't the focus of his letter. Best to just ignore it. Especially the part of Death Rock's issues which remind people that I wrote those things! I mean younger me wrote them. That guy isn't even me anymore! I wish he'd stop getting me in trouble!

I thought the movie was better than you give it credit for,

Forgive me for breaking up this next sentence into two parts but it's a long sentence and I'm easily distracted so I'd totally forget to discuss this if I don't do it immediately. So, first off, he addressed this letter to the editor and now he's acting as if Death Rock and Nice Alice's opinions are those of the editor. I assure you they are not. Did he not notice how Nice Alice actually liked the movie? But she does that thing where when she notices her boyfriend didn't like it, she sort of backs out of that strong stance and hints at maybe also not liking it? Not for sexist reasons like you'd think but because Nice Alice doesn't like conflict at all. At least not until she's ready to unleash the Second Gobi Campaign but, I mean, spoilers! Um, anyway, the editor didn't give the movie any credit in any way, Yor. Come on, man! Didn't you learn anything in our Critical Lit Theory class?! I know half of your brain power was taken up by dealing with the reality that our professor was gay but I'm sure you must have learned something!

You know what? I'm not sure Yor did learn anything from the Crit Lit Theory class because his big final project in the class was a defense of the Western Civilization Literary Canon! Which is, I must say, fine because if you want to most of 20th Century American Literature (and I know some of you don't give a shit. That's fine!), you do need to understand a fuck-ton of shit written by mostly wealthy white dudes. Also The Bible. I mean, I'm not all, "Everybody needs to read The Bible because it's a manual for life!" But I am all, "Everybody needs to read The Bible because 95% of all references come from that shit! The other 5% come from Shakespeare!"

particularly how Mr. Glass dropped hints about his true identity, such as his name being very suggestive of a comic book figure, his eyes and his head being disproportionately large to the rest of his body (as he explains the villain's traits earlier), and how he tells Mr. Unbreakable several times that they are on the opposite ends of the spectrum (implying not only in terms of strength, but in ethics).

Yor began this letter stating his initial premise of the film: we are based on our opposites. But how can that be the true premise when Yor acknowledges in this very statement that Mr. Glass already decided on his identity long before he ever met his opposite. Mr. Glass simply read some comic books and went, "I identify with the bad guy! Then he went on to be a bad guy. If we're supposed to believe that Mr. Glass read a comic book (A FUCKING COMIC BOOK!) and went, "Oh shit! I would like to be a super hero but I am nothing like them. I am, in fact, the opposite of them. Therefore, I have been defined by this comic book. I must now be that person that the comic book says I am!" then how are we supposed to take Mr. Glass seriously at all?! And if I think somebody would be a fool to take Mr. Glass seriously then I must take Bruce Willis unseriously! He didn't even have years of his life dedicated to reading comic books and he just goes, "Okay! I believe in your world view! Comic books are real!"

It's obvious why Yor wants to buy into the conceit of this movie. He's buying into the analogy because he believes in the comic book and he wants to believe that you can explain the comic book to people and they will go, "Yes! I get it! I love Jesus too!" I mean, that's the analogy here, right? But also the bad guy is the guy trying to convert people, right? So I'm not sure exactly what Yor's saying. I would have needed to dialogue with him a bit more to get at the roots of what he loved about the movie. But Yor was also conservative and had a fondness for bad guys and would say things like, "I don't agree with what that person is saying but I love that they have the passion and bravery to say it!" All the while though, we knew, secretly, he agreed with what the person was saying but also knew that "good" and "kind" people would never admit to those things. I don't have specific examples of what "those things" were but you can make some pretty educated guesses. It was the late '80s, early '90s so a lot of them, Yor being Catholic, had to do with people saying things like "Gay people shouldn't have all the rights!" and "Affirmative action is racist!"

Holy shit! I just remembered I have letters Yor wrote to the San Jose Spartan that would really make your head spin while you vomited split pea soup and fucked yourself with a crucifix. I might have lost my way with that description.

Most important, though, is how Mr. Glass values a knowledge of his own identity above that of the welfare of others.

Okay, now we're leaving behind the religious stuff and we're getting to the render unto Caesar stuff. I'm sure Yor liked the idea of defining oneself via a text and then trying to convert others. But now we see that Yor does not fully identify with Mr. Glass. Mr. Glass does not care about the bigger picture. He is suffering from that malady that all modern, non-C.S.-Lewis reading people suffer from: narcissism! The selfish pursuit of our own identity over the welfare of others! Seems a weird point to be made by a person who would drive around Santa Clara at night throwing vegetables out of his car window at pedestrians. Maybe Yor was just looking for his opposite: somebody who wouldn't drive around throwing vegetables at innocent people minding their own business. I can see this heading into the "atheists think they're their own god" argument. Yor definitely believes that we don't control our own destinies and to think that is blasphemous. So Mr. Glass searching for his own identity over anything else is narcissistic, selfish, and irreligious. He should be seeking something greater!

He commits terrorist acts to discover someone who will help him find his identity, and by doing so, reveals himself as a moral relativist (not to mention a murderer).

I get how that reveals him to be a terrorist and a murderer. But I'm not sure how he reveals him to be a moral relativist except that Yor wanted to equate his terrorism with moral relativism. One of the things Yor, a staunch Catholic, could never truly comprehend was how people could know right from wrong without a set of rules. Most of my friends understood that that statement meant Yor must be a sociopath because he couldn't understand right from wrong without a guide. But Yor saw anybody who didn't need the guide as being a moral relativist. Which is probably true because for a moral relativist, there really isn't any capital "T" truth. Now Yor uses moral relativism as a pejorative. He equates it with nihilism and a philosophy to excuse any evil or terrible act. But moral relativists acknowledge morality and right and wrong; they just also acknowledge that morality isn't a foundation on which everything else rests. Morality shifts depending on context! You know who isn't a moral relativist? Les Mis's Javert! And look where that gets him! Dead, that's where! Maybe don't worry so much about a starving guy stealing some bread not being adequately punished in accordance with man's current laws and just get on with your own life, dude. Go find some joy and whimsy in your own life! Unless that joy and whimsy is garnered by throwing cabbages at peasants as you pass by in your carriage. Not cool, man.

Furthermore, Mr. Death Rock's nihilism ("there ain't no meanin' for nobody") aligns itself nicely with Mr. Glass, and contradicts his [Mr. Rock's] strongly held assertions.

This is the problem with a moral foundationalist versus a moral relativist, a guy who bases all of his suppositions from an unmoving base stuck in concrete. Everything has to be built upon everything else or the structure is, to him, logically unsound. Yes, Death Rock is a nihilist in that he doesn't believe in an inherent meaning in existence. But how does that contradict any of Death Rock's strongly held assertions? You can be a nihilist and also love drinking yourself stupid. Some would say those go hand in hand! But never mind that! I mean, being a nihilist does not mean that you don't find your own meaning in your own existence. It doesn't mean you don't have joy. It doesn't mean you don't have opinions! You just don't believe that the universe exists to give you that joy and meaning and those opinions. Yes, Death Rock's "beliefs" do align nicely with Mr. Glass because, like Mr. Glass, Death Rock doesn't give a shit about the lives of others. But guess what? A lot of nihilists and moral relativists do give a shit about that stuff. I'd say I'm, ultimately, a nihilist in that I don't believe our existence means anything. But I also believe because our existence is fleeting and this is the only life we have and that there is nothing more after, to hurt somebody else, to make their existence worse, to kill or murder . . . those things are the absolute worst things we can do. If there is nothing but our current existence then making that existence intolerable for somebody else, making their one chance at life and love and joy impossible . . . that is true evil. That's my moral relativity. Is it Death Rock's? No! Because I'm not Death Rock, you idiot!

Despite the moral relativity Rock espouses, he goes on to impose his moral relativity on Mr. Unbreakable's supposedly doomed search for meaning, by criticizing the mere attempt.

I mean, word salad, anybody? Yor gets to the heart of all the assholes who suddenly want to destroy free speech here. "Criticizing" is not "imposing". It's as simple as that. Grow the fuck up, man.

Why do you consider it a weakness for someone to search for one's identity using comic books or religion, when you later imply that one is entitled to use any means necessary and use as much time as necessary?

I, the Editor, whom you've addressed this letter, didn't "consider" nor "imply" any of that. Death Rock's critique was about the way the idiot in the movie went about the search. Mr. Glass read comic books and went, "I'm not strong but I'm smart so I must be the villain!" And Mr. Unbreakable was all, "My life is falling apart but this weird fucker I just met told me about comic books and now my life means something!" Sure, Death Rock thinks it's a weakness to search for meaning. But he also thinks the characters are fucking weak in many other ways! Also, I'm not sure Death later "implies" that people should search for meaning. Maybe I'm misunderstanding what's being said here but it sounds like Yor read that Death Rock was all, "It's weak to search for meaning because it doesn't exist but you should be allowed as much time as possible to find that meaning that doesn't exist."

Are you so jaded as to believe because you have not discovered your identity, your peace, that others are incapable of the same?

Yor feeling defensive here. "I've found meaning in Catholicism and it isn't meaningless like you said, you jerk!" Look, Death Rock has discovered peace. Peace in nihilism. Look into it. It's a thing! It reminds me of this quote from Thomas Pynchon in Gravity's Rainbow: "If there is something comforting — religious, if you want — about paranoia, there is still also anti-paranoia, where nothing is connected to anything, a condition not many of us can bear for long." Death Rock can bear it, baby. And it brings him peace.

Oh, and maybe I should reprint Death Rock's reply here. It's only fair.

"Dude, is that how you see the world? Either this or that? 'Do you agree with the movie's premise that we are defined by our opposites? Or is one's identity known intrinsically?' Yer treadin' on the path of the severely beaten if yer suggestin' I'm defined by Bon Jovi. So, no I ain't agreein' with the premise of the movie. But that don't mean I suddenly agree with your only other belief of the way things can be. Known intrinsically? That can't be, Mr. Noslekas (look, Alice, I'm being polite and reasonable!). If I were raised in a friggin' dark room, I'm guessin' I wouldn't be the same person. I wouldn't know I like to drink like a Mexican Whore or kick ass or rock until someone's head explodes. But I also have a feelin', bein' who I am, I'd kick the fuckin' shit outta the walls a' that dark room and that the Duke boys would have a fuckin' hoe-down on whoever first opened the door to that room. I guess I couldn't call 'em the duke boys though. Maybe the Pleasure Givers. Yeah, that's what they'd be.

"Now, I weren't callin' Mr. Unbreakable sad and needy cause he needed to consult others to help clarify his identity. I called him sad and needy cause he finds himself in a weakened spiritual state after the train wreck and buys into some obviously insane clown who is completely obsessed with comic books. Like I alluded to in my review, Mr. Noslekas, Mr. Unbreakable would have been guzzlin' Kool-Aid at Jonestown if Mr. Glass had gone the obsessed religious angle. It ain't about being defined by metaphor, simile, allusion or allegory that I's got a problem with. The problem is fallin' into another man's obsession and buying in to that obsession. Mr. Glass was a nutcase. He defined himself long before Mr. Unbreakable came on the scene. He just had no faith. He were a convert that needed that glimpse 'a God before he could really believe. So he was weak. And Mr. Unbreakable was needy. He shoulda been listening to his kid who thought he was a hero long before this nobody Mr. Glass came around. And you, Mr. Noslekas, should meet my Dukes just for makin' me utter the fact that someone should listen to their kid.

"I ain't got a problem with the whole Mr. Glass subtle revelation of who he really is thing. But I think that argues my point better than yours. He's already defined. He don't need this joker security guard to do that.

"And Mr. Glass ain't really a nihilist, is he? He believes in a very specific paradigm of the world, doesn't he? In his mind, he knows what's what and how things work. The movie tries to make you think his comic book view is right because there was an opposite of him out there. But just suppose Mr. Unbreakable never friggin' appears, hunh? Mr. Glass is the same guy he's always been. A lost boy turned terrorist. And he ain't changed his stupid ass comic book world view. And I ain't criticizing the 'mere attempt' at finding meaning. I'm criticizing the buying into another person's obsessed view that is Mr. Unbreakable's entire search for meaning. You seem to have bought into this too, eh? Seems to me an insult to wives and children everywhere that this movie is sayin' a jerk off can only be happy with his family after he becomes a hero. Not that I think anybody with a wife and child SHOULD be happy.

"And to answer your last paragraph, I ain't sure I said it's a weakness to use comic books or religion or anything, actually (although it is pretty gay). To repeat, it is the obsession of seeing things in only one set of terms that is weak. Mr. Glass only saw the world through the pages of a comic book. This made him weak. There is no searching or questioning when you don't go further than a one source research paper. And whaddya mean, I ain't discovered my identity! I'm friggin' Death Rock, dude. Seems odd that ya didn't throw all your big words around tryin' to make some sort of pseudonym equals identity type argument."

Hmm. Nice Alice was also part of that review even if Yor seems to ignore all of her points. So I'll reprint her reply too!

"Oh! Boo hoo. My words can't be pink here! *sniff* Anyway, is Deathy gone? I hope so cause I liked this movie! I think people need other people. How would I know that it's nice to be nice if there was nobody to be nice to? This movie was about the loss of spirituality and meaning in a modern world. Mr. Glass is frightened by everything around him that could easily destroy his fragile body. So he finds a Book that leads him to strength. That book is Active Comics! He hears its message and goes forth into the world to...um, well, not make it a better place, exactly. Hmm. Maybe it's not such a nice spiritual message after all. This Book he finds isn't about being nice to others at all! It's about making him more secure about himself and his place in the world. Well, that's pretty selfish. That mean old Mr. Glass. But then, he's the villain, so let me concentrate on the hero.

"Mr. Unbreakable has lost his spirituality! His life is meaningless and mundane in this modern world where disasters claim lots of lives. But then he lives through one! Survivor's guilt and the search for meaning and something beyond death envelope his perceptions! He is in a very weak and spiritually insecure moment in his life. Questions abound! Why is he here and all that! And then he hears the message of a man who has found meaning in the Book! And his life is altered beyond compare. His worldly life is suddenly on track (OH! That's a mean pun!) because of this evil, selfish man. Hmm. Is it nice to get a good message from a bad person? Does the source of revelation really matter? I think it's not so nice but at least this Mr. Unbreakable is happy. Or is he only happy because he dealt with a devilish mental patient? I'm confused. I need to lie down."

Revisiting some shit I wrote 26 years ago wasn't too bad! I mean, it could easily have been worse! Especially from the mouth of a character like Death Rock!

Anyway, that's it! Finally! That should probably have been a post of its own but it was sort of about comic books and Hitman is kind of a moral relativist, I think, right?


Oh shit. Another moral relativist!

According to last issue, Nightfist sells the coke he steals from the dealers he kicks the shit out of. According to this issue, he also comes in his suit at least three times a night. I say that not because I see the stains on his costume but because he's drooling, he's way to into beating up criminals and stealing their cocaine, and he's written by Garth Ennis. So you just have to assume he blasting loads into his spandex all night long. Plus you don't wear a chain across your crotch attached to either thigh without having a crazy sex kink.

Nightfist puts a few dealers in the hospital, blows another load, and gets a tracking device placed on his ankle by one of the dying criminals. Obviously he's crazy but you can really tell he's crazy when he walks straight at a guy shooting bullets at him. Luckily the idiot with the gun has either terrific aim and bad luck or shitty aim and bad luck because he shoots Nightfist in the 2% of his body with any armor: his forehead. Okay, I guess his "fists" and calves are armored up too but I'm not in the accuracy business! I'm in the let's speculate how much man goo is in the crotch of that hero's costume business!

Nightfist steals the drugs and goes on his merry way. I guess Batman's okay with Nightfist? Maybe Batman's got that old person thing where he easily mistakes one thing for another and he thinks Nightfist is Nightwing.


How did Big Belly Burger become the main DC fast food joint? Bucky Burger should have gone hand-in-hand with Noonan's.

Natt and Tommy also speculate on Nightfist's relationship with Batman. Sort of. My guess is that until Nightfist gets his own series, Batman will ignore him because he doesn't need the revenue boost. Plus Tommy's going to kill him before he can build his reputation big enough to be noticed by Batman.

Tommy makes fun of Natt being fat and Natt makes fun of Tommy jerking off and pretending he has a girlfriend. It's scenes like these that Garth lives for. He just wants to write stories about sitting around with his friends drinking and busting balls. All the super hero shit is just so it'll have a ready-made audience. Also Ennis needed a way to make all of his fat jokes pay. He never seems to run out! I'm really surprised he named his restaurant Bucky's instead of Big Belly Burger. Maybe it changes later because it really sounds like a place Ennis would have created. Weirdest part of this scene at Bucky's is that I remember those massive fucking burgers these guys eat. Why can't I remember the plot to 75% of all the comic I've read but I can easily and readily picture the massive burgers in Hitman?!

Tommy's wary about the Nightfist job because his last job to ice The Joker was a total set-up. Luckily for Tommy, this job is also a set-up. Hmm, I guess I didn't mean luckily.

In this issue, Tommy and Natt's friendship origin story born in the, um, fires? No, no. Um, oh, I know: the boredom of Desert Storm!


This could come back to haunt them in the most serious story arc of the series!

I don't know if that later SAS story arc has anything to do with this moment (although it should if it doesn't!) or if that story arc comes out of Sean Noonan's past but that's why I said it "could" come back to haunt them! But Natt does mention that if the SAS ever gets wind of that story, they're going to be fucking dead men. So, you know. I think they get wind of the story!

Later, Tommy and Natt attempt to murder Nightfist (whether or not they're successful is unclear as the set-up interrupts their double tap finish). Johnny Navarone tosses a grenade at them and then walks up on them firing. And that's where it ends so I have to assume Tommy wasn't just killed because remember: Hitman runs for sixty issues! He's invulnerable until then! None of the other cast is though and we'll see them all drop off, one by one, over the series. All except Hacken and Six Pack. I think they survive. Oh, and, of course, BAYTOR!

The Ranking!
Motherlovin' cool, bro!

Monday, June 29, 2026

Hitman #4 (August 1996)


Enter Natt the Hat! Only two main characters left to introduce: Sixpack and BAYTOR!

Hitman #4 (August 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

It's possible I've never read this issue of Hitman before this. I purchased it a month or two ago for five bucks at my local comic book store because my collection began at Issue #5 and the 1997 trade only collected the first three issues of the series. I'm sad that Natt the Hat's first appearance was only worth five dollars. I mean, it's probably worth less than that if I'd bothered to shop around. Pretty sure you could find this entire series in a dollar bin if you don't mind searching for it across several years. I didn't want to wait so I shelled out the big bucks to get my hands on it.

This issue came out thirty years ago and I'm having trouble getting past just how easy being alive thirty years ago felt, both personally, socially, and politically. Fox News wouldn't even exist to begin melting the brains of the idiots who didn't have enough brains to melt in the first place for another half year or so. I think this was the year I graduated from San Jose State after a really lackadaisical six or seven years of off and on enrollment and various school transfers. I transferred credits and changed schools enough that I would up taking English 1B, a freshmen course, my last semester of school because somewhere along the way, my AP high school credits for the course were lost. Or maybe they had a limited shelf life? Anyway, I fucking ruled that class! It's where I first encountered Vonnegut (on my own since no other class I'd had taught him and I chose him to do my big research essay on even though my student professor (who I was probably the same age as?!), Mr. Malchow, encouraged me to do my project on Cerebus (as he'd noticed my Cerebus pins on my backpack)). Magic the Gathering was refreshing and fun and my group of friends had yet to realize how expensive some of the cards were so we still often played for ante. It wasn't until my friend Stephen brought that fucking Scrye magazine into our midst that our enjoyment of the game really took a fucking turn. Oh, also fucking Fallen Empires. What a shit set that was!

Oh, also in 1996? I was young! Holy god was being young sweet! As good as people always say it is! I had landed ass-backwards in a great paying job managing the office supply warehouse on the Netscape campus in Sunnyvale (directly under the giant Libby's can water tower which I was already well familiar with being that there was a place nearby called The Wave where we used to skateboard). I got my first car: a 1972 Volkswagen Panel Van. My friends called it my Stranger Danger pedo van because of the lack of windows and maybe also because of the Sailor Moon figures on the dashboard? The first night I was designated driver after owning this car, fucking "Fireball" Bob Henline, the Well-Done Comedian, broke the inside handle off the sliding side door making it even more of a Stranger Danger van since the kids, um, I mean my friends couldn't get out of the back on their own after that.

But getting back to being young! It's not hard to say what I miss most: the wild potential of the unknown years ahead. Close second had to be the constant discovery of new mind-blowing things. For me, in 1996, that was mostly literature. Douglas Coupland. Catch-22. Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol. I haven't really gotten to the age where I feel my body has betrayed me. Other than the crackling knees when I go up stairs and the occasional back pain (which is more the fault of my cheap sofa and ancient mattress. I guess I should fix those before I really do some harm to my poor stupid meat casing). Maybe passion? I do miss passion. I miss unrequited crushes no matter how painful they could be. I miss the first time a person puts their hand down the front of your pants. I suppose I could have the Non-Certified Spouse wear a wig every now and then and pretend to meet me in the Erotica aisle of Powell's Books. But it's just not the same! Part of that experience is the absolute fucking surprise that it even got to a point that it could happen! Sometimes you didn't even know it was going to happen until three seconds before your cock was in their hand!

The year 1996 may have also been the first year I really wound up on the Internet. Like my own home connection and not winding up at my cousin's house drunkenly hanging out in AOL Chatrooms after a bender in Los Gatos or hitting the college computers to check college email. My first Internet identity was The Red King because of Through the Looking Glass. The whole conceit was that while I was online, I was dreaming. And when I woke up or "logged off", everybody would go *Poof!*, out like a candle! Anybody who remembers the Internet when it was the wild frontier can't help but be saddened by the rank disappointment it's become with a handful of sites that people use. To speak of it sounds like you're gatekeeping because the people on the Internet at the time wanted to be there or had something to share or say (no matter how stupid, offensive, or fucking throw-up-immediately-and-have-mental-scars-for-the-rest-of-your-life disgusting). Now everybody is on it and, well, it hasn't made it good!


The home page of my and my friends' site from 2003 (thanks to Internet Archive!). Design by me. Pixel buttons by me. Skateboard my actual Hosoi from my youth (signed by Steve Caballero. For reasons).

Shit! I'm supposed to be reading a comic book and instead my reminiscing led me to fall down a rabbit hole of my own making on Internet Archive! I even found an old letter from Soy Rakelson that gave me goosebumps! Not because it was good but because hearing his voice and terrible debate skills from out of the past was like seeing a ghost that I thought had stopped bothering me and asking me where my faith was ten years ago! I bookmarked it to discuss later! Oh boy!

Anyway the point is that it was nicer being alive 30 years ago than it is today! But I'm assuming being alive today is better than being dead so I'll just stick around and complain, I guess.

This issue begins with Tommy agnositicating¹ on a roof in the rain like Rutger Hauer discussing the C-beams at Tannhäuser Gate. He's crying about having lost his best friend so I guess Natt's a replacement for Pat? Is that why it's Natt the Hat because replacing Tommy's old best friend Pat for a guy named Natt is putting a hat on a hat? Or a black hat on a hat, maybe? Does that make sense? Do I care? Let's move on!

The second page reverts the story to ten days previous so that we can all figure out why Tommy's so Batty. Tommy's awakened by a home invader who knows who Tommy is but seemingly doesn't realize Tommy's the kind of guy who sleeps with a gun between his legs. I mean, duh!


This guy claimed to have made at least two dozen previous hits but with bad guy monologuing that bad, I think he was lying.

Tommy rolls over and goes back to sleep with the corpse leaking blood and brains through the floorboard. I guess that's some kind of subtext or character building? Like Tommy's either so chill that a corpse leaking various gruesome biles across his floor can't bother his sleep or he's just a lazy asshole who makes Pat clean up the corpses.

This issue re-introduces us to Moe Dubelz and his, um, brother Joe whom we haven't seen since The Demon annual during Bloodlines.


If you want to know who the antagonist is in a Garth Ennis book, it's the one who keeps getting more and more physically fucked-up.

Moe Dublez's butt still hurts from Tommy killing Joe and his dad. But he can't find anybody good enough to murder Tommy. But that's when Johnny Navarone strolls in and claims he can do the job for half a million dollars. This guy's a clean-cut kid from Miami in a slick white suit who's probably killed way more than two dozen people. He kills two guys just during this job interview! I don't know if he's better than a Nazi gun demon from Hell but he'd better be because Tommy just kicked the snot out of one. Seems like a slick dude from Miami'll be nothing compared to that.

Johnny knows about Tommy's powers but he's got a plan to circumvent them. I mean, the Nazi gun demon from Hell also knew about those powers and had ten guns from Hell and had the element of surprise and he got his little bottom spanked anyway. It looks like Johnny's going to go into hitman no-man's land here and use Pat to lure Tommy into a trap. That's my supposition, anyway, seeing as how this began with Tommy dropping tears in the rain about his best friend being killed. Oh, and also about losing the second date to Wendy. And you know what happens on second dates! Applebee's!

Apparently Tommy hasn't been staying with Pat so I guess the corpses Tommy leaves are just shit the landlord's going to have to deal with when Tommy sneaks out on the rent and moves on. Tommy doesn't want Pat getting in trouble with Batman so he's crashing elsewhere for awhile. Seems like in Tommy's business with Moe Dubelz after him, Batman is the least of Pat's worries.

In the meantime, Tommy needs money so he phones up a bent cop to ask about a job murdering a super.


Gonna resist looking up "Nightfist" on Urban Dictionary.

I scanned that page because I didn't want to do a boring synopsis of the Nightfist job so now it feels too soon to scan the pages with Tommy and Wendy's at Applebee's. Bah, you'd probably rather look at it than have me describe it!


Oh yeah. You gotta love a good neighborhood hang.

My brain kept wanting to make that caption "Love that chicken from Popeye's!" because my brain is fucking stupid. And it apparently wants Popeye's. Which isn't surprising as it never, ever wants Applebee's.

Wendy and Tommy have apparently been dating for two months and she still doesn't know what he does for a living. Or where he lives. Or why he won't ever take off his sunglasses. I don't actually know what constitutes a red flag but I have a sneaking suspicion that all three of those are Guinness Book of World Records-sized flags. Which means he must have the greatest cock in the DC Universe.

Soon we're finally introduced to Natt the Hat, on run from some terrible gang shit that went down in Detroit. He doesn't get a lot of time to explain why he's in Gotham because Natt and Tommy are attacked by motherlovin' ninjas.

Man, I forgot how much the word "motherlovin'" shows up in this comic book. It's to Tommy as "frag" is to Lobo.

Oh, also, it only takes one panel for Natt the Hat to say, "My mom died which is why I'm back in Gotham." So the ninjas kind of needed to attack quickly before Garth ran out of things for Tommy and Natt to talk about. They also discuss Nightfist (and Natt's first reaction isn't "No homo" like Tommy's was) and how fat Natt has gotten. I guess Garth didn't get to use all of his fat jokes in The Demon annual.

Oh yeah, the ninjas. Turns out they're not the kinds of ninjas who can dodge bullets.


One hundred thousand dollars might seem like a lot but not when you have to split it between 10,000 ninjas. Oh, also not great when you're dead and didn't earn it even.

After murdering all the murder ninjas, Natt and Tommy bust each other's balls for a bit before deciding to team up to take down Nightfist. And that's when Tommy is all, "And just like that, I signed my best friend's death warrant." Oh, okay! So Pat gets to live for a bit more (I thought this was way too early to lose Pat) and we get to be faked out by Natt's death. Which totally seems plausible because as a comic book reader, it's easy to understand the whole "new character with loads of meaning to the main character introduced just to see them die". It's a variant on fridging but not too much of a variant. Also if Natt the Hat ended up in a fridge, Tommy would probably make a fat joke about it.

The Ranking!
Super awesome, dude!

__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ You know. When a person goes, "Hey God, are you there, it's me, Roy Batty?" Or, more understandably, when somebody questions the existence of God in a moment of dark despair. It's probably a real word, right? It should be.

Sunday, June 28, 2026

Hitman #3 (July 1996)


You know this isn't a Batman comic because Batman doesn't kick the living shit out of The Mawzir.

Hitman #3 (July 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I could be wrong about Batman kicking The Mawzir's ass because I'm judging a comic book by its cover and even though the phrase "You shouldn't judge a book by its cover" shouldn't be taken too literally, in the case of comic books, it absolutely should be. Because the biggest liar of all liars in the entire world is Donald Trump. But after that, it's comic book covers. They're always all, "In this issue, we're going to show you Supergirl's butthole!" And then after finally finish the comic, boner flagging completely, you realize Supergirl never even took off her underwear! What I'm saying, aside from "I want to see Supergirl's butthole," is that Batman getting his ass kicked while Hitman tries to save him might not actually be something that happens in this story. What probably happens is Hitman is about to get his ass kicked and Batman swings in and easily saves him using his bat brains and his fit bat body and his bat toys. Not because Garth Ennis wants to write that story (he absolutely does not) but because DC editorial sometimes screams things in memos like, "REMEMBER: Batman saves the day. Batman saves all the days. Batman is the only reason we make any fucking money at all so all of you fucking stupid as shit writers who think they're so Goddamned clever had better fucking respect Batman! He kicks Lobo's ass. He saves Superman's ass while showing he could also kill Superman. He fucks any woman he wants to fuck (but he doesn't give oral. Never show him giving oral! That's a bitch ass Nightwing move, dude!). I'm talking to all of you! Especially you, Ennis, and your hard on for making DC heroes look like jerks! You got it?!" And then Ennis makes super heroes look like fucking jerks and DC is all, "We can't have you writing this shit here! Go away and take your 'The Guy' or whatever that dumb shit is somewhere else! You gotta make the super heroes the stars, you dumb fuck!" And then Ennis makes more money than all the Batman comics put together. I imagine! I don't know anybody's finances and don't actually care. All I care about (like everybody else) is the stuff I make up in my own head and then believe forever.

If you want to know what I thought of this comic book, you'll have to skip ahead because I've got an aside to aside. I watched The Sheep Detectives last night and one of the themes of that movie is that we must remember to remember no matter how painful it is to remember because remembering is important to love, life, and civilization. And sure, I agree with that. Also I agree that you shouldn't be mean to people just because they were born at certain times of the year which, I imagine, you're supposed to extrapolate to not hating people who were born in different places on the planet as well but I can't be too sure about that because maybe the writer and director just wanted people to love the weak-ass bitch winter sheep and feel sorry for him until we cried ourselves to sleep thinking, "I'm that winter sheep! That was me and my life!" And if you have to imagine the winter sheep as people way worse off than you who have faced far more bigotry and racism than the "I'm a smol weird outsider!' feelings that welled up in your being while watching it, it might ruin the whole vibe, you know? Anyway, I was talking about the importance of memory! But they really throw out the importance of the sheep's ability to forget whatever they want! Who wouldn't want that fucking ability, you know?! Sure, people would abuse it and forget loads of shit that would make their life better, overall, if they kept remembering it. Like that time I turned into a weeping weep machine who'd lost all control over their body and lay like a quivering mass of pink jelly on the floor, tears turning my carpet into a swampy morass, after watching Pig. You'd think I'd choose to forget that heartache which wasn't truly heartache for the movie but heartache for my long gone beloved cat, Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor. My best beautiful boy ever! And while I understand why some people would choose to forget things that continually cause such pain and heartache (I mean, I can probably never watch Guardians of the Galaxy again because Judas was also my long-legged little raccoon boy and that scene at the end where Rocket is so sad and his friends are there to cheer him up just fucking destroyed me because I went to the theater to see it the week after Judas died and I barely made it out of the theater before completely breaking down and losing all of my shit), some things in your life would absolutely make it better if you could just choose to forget it. Although aren't we already basically there as a species since everybody runs around with their memory outsourced to the Internet? Instead of choosing to forget anything, people simply choose not to ever learn anything at all so they can't remember it.

I didn't watch for a post-credit sequence but I suspect it was all the sheep lining up to suck Moldy's dick (or whatever Chris O'Dowd's sheep's name was) when they realized how much pain and suffering and heartbreak that poor fucking thing had been living with for all those years. Also, I still can't believe the maid did it.

This issue begins with Tommy learning that he'd just been scammed out of one million dollars.


The Mawzir is both the souls of all the Nazis hanged at Nuremberg and also the coolest motherfuckingly designed character in the history of DC Comics.

My belief is that McCrea gave The Mawzir a bunch of stumpy little guns as a "the Nazis all had small dicks" joke. And while that may or may not be true, what is true is that the guns still look fucking cool. If Rob Liefeld had drawn them, I might not think so but that's because Rob Liefeld has never shown me that he can actually draw a realistic gun so I have to assume those small, stubby guns were his attempt at drawing an actual pistol. McCrea has shown that he knows his way around a realistic gun so if he's drawing a cartoon-looking gun on a cartoon-looking demon, he's doing it on purpose. And I love some good on-purpose style in my comic book art. Give me whatever fucking horrible ass art you want but if I see the purpose of the style inherent in it, I won't be able to contain the stubby little gun in my pants. I mean the Ace of Winchester in my pants!

Once The Mawzir makes himself known, a massive portal from Hell opens above Arkham which makes Batman think, "Something's going on inside! I'd better check it out!" Officer Teigel, not being as astute as Batman, doesn't notice the Hell portal. But she does notice Batman running inside and thinks, "Batman's going inside! I'd better check it out!" The rest of the Gotham cops pull an Uvalde and are all, "It's too dangerous to go in there! We're just going to stand out here and scroll on our phones with the Punisher logo on the home screen."

You know what? I should apologize to the Gotham cops for comparing them to Uvalde cops. The Gotham Police refuse to go into Arkham because they don't want to risk their lives to save The Joker. The Uvalde cops refused to risk their lives to save children. Fucking hell, man. They should have to register on the "Piece of Shit Coward" Registry and inform their neighbors whenever they move into a new neighborhood. Make them wear their shame like a giant scarlet "A" (for Asshole, I assume).


The Arkanonne and their one, shared, tiny duck dick appear to make Tommy an offer.

Once again, I'm going to assume that Ennis and McCrea are making a dick joke here: people who believe that guns can solve all problems have tiny and/or no dicks. I know sometimes a gun is just a gun but most of the time a gun is evidence of a big frightened train tunnel. Also remember that a train tunnel isn't always a train tunnel, if you see what I'm saying!

The Lords of the Gun give the history of The Mawzir and it isn't that they were the Nazis hung at Nuremberg although I bet they were supposed to be. I bet DC Editorial was all, "Look, guys, the Swastika is bad enough. Can this super cool awesome new character not be all the worst Nazis in history as well?" So instead, they're just a group of five Nazis who murdered loads and loads of Soviet children so that the rest of the families would fall in line. Ultimately they were hanged by the Soviets which is probably Ennis and McCrea's way of being all, "See? They were hanged. Like the Nazis at Nuremberg. So, you know, just fucking make the connection DC wouldn't let us put right out on front street!"

At the end of last issue, it looked like Tommy got shot at least once in the chest. But it looks like the three shots he took were mostly just grazes to his arms because once the pain stops, he shoots The Mawzir in the face, tosses a grenade, and runs his ass off. Right into Tiegel and Batman. Batman takes a hell bullet to the shoulder as he protects Tiegel which is fine because we'll probably learn it was barely even a graze. Stupid comic book injuries are never as bad as they want you to think when they happen.


Uh oh! I think Batman just pissed himself again!

You might have noticed the subtle foreshadowing in the above panel. The "thunk thunk thunk" while highlighting Tiegel's ass is foreshadowing Tommy tapping it.

Tommy's mortally wounded by The Mawzir but before he dies, he reads its mind to discover how to stop it. He learns that The Mawzir can be killed by one of its own guns and he lets Tiegel and Batman know. They manage to knock one of its guns to Tommy who blows off a bunch of its limbs. It yields to him and the Lords of the Gun, pissed because they can't interfere, skedaddle back to Hell. The Mawzir heals Tommy's wounds with a magic spell from Hell (so I'm sure Tommy'll be okay and those wounds won't open back up later at The Mawzir's whim, right?) before he fucks off back to Hell (after Tommy forces him to say "The Arkanonne suck", of course). And then all that's left is for Tommy to convince Tiegel and Batman not to toss him in jail for, um, well, hmm. I can't think of what charge they'd throw at him. Breaking into Arkham, I guess? Oh wait! He did kidnap a couple of cops and lock them in the trunk of the squad car. Oof. That could put him away forever if they wanted to pursue it!


A lot of great shit goes down in this first story but this might be the main point: give a reason to show why Batman mostly stays off Tommy's back.

Tommy definitely read Batman's mind, right? We have to assume that from this point on, Tommy knows Batman is Bruce Wayne. And if Tommy can learn it this easily, I imagine thousands of people know Batman's secret and they all just pretend that they don't while Batman pretends that nobody knows except the literally dozens of people he's told. I think it's a bit like the concept of saving face in Japan. Everybody's a little bit embarrassed to watch Batman act as if nobody knows his secret identity and Batman has convinced himself that nobody knows and everybody just sort of whistles nonchalantly around the subject and tries to just talk about The Joker and less awkward shit. Or Bruce Wayne just has Doctor Fate on retainer and Doctor Fate has a spell going constantly that alerts him to somebody discovering Batman is Bruce Wayne so he can erase that person's memory immediately. Or make them disappear. Whichever's easier.

The Ranking!
Here's what we're left with after the first story arc: Tommy's dating Wendy, The Joker wants to kill Tommy, The Lords of the Gun want to kill Tommy (using a new and improved Mawzir), Batman wants to kill Tommy (but he'll settle for leaving him for the cops because Batman is a fucking coward), Tiegel wants to kill Tommy (or fuck him), and Tommy just wants to be left alone to kill killers. Oh, also the Lords of the Gun gave him a prophecy that super heroes will hate him and try to stop him eventually. And that'll all come to pass as every hero Ennis is interested in stops by to learn that Tommy's actually kind of a good guy. Or they learn they can't arrest him because of a technicality like he's better at fighting than they are or he's got blackmail material on them (like honeymoon pictures of them with Bueno Excellente (okay, fine, that's Lobo and not a hero. But maybe he does that to Kyle Rayner too?). Eventually he has a nice chat with Superman which leaves everybody with the impression that if Superman sees him as a good guy, we can just forget all the lawbreaking and murder and simply let him do his thing without any squidgy ethical questions. Let's just have fun as he blows people's brains out, you know? Not that I needed Superman's approval to enjoy that! But other people with tighter buttholes and/or people in the fictional landscape where Hitman exists sort of needed it!

Saturday, June 27, 2026

Hitman #2 (June 1996)


McCrea's Joker looks like the Mawzir wearing clown make-up.

Hitman #2 (June 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

At the end of the last issue, Tommy was nabbed by the Gotham Police for defending himself against Batman. Tommy didn't do shit but the Gotham Police, being stupid (you can tell they're stupid because they're police), figured if Batman was fighting him, he must be the bad guy. But Tommy was just saying goodnight to his date when Batman was all, "I heard via gossip from criminals and torture, both of which is notoriously unreliable, that you're going to assassinate The Joker." And even if Tommy did pick up that contract, you can't arrest a guy for not assassinating The Joker. Which he hasn't done yet. Or even attempted to do. Also if you're not a cop and you just run around at night pretending to be a bat, you aren't allowed to arrest people. Or hold them against their will. So when Batman is all, "I am the law!", and Tommy is all, "I'm standing my ground!", you can't seriously blame Tommy for shooting Batman in his bulletproof chest. You also can't prove that Tommy knew Batman's chest was bulletproof but at this point, when Tommy's life feels threatened (and since that's Batman's whole thing, making criminals afraid, you can't argue that Tommy didn't feel his life was threatened!), he kind of has the right to shoot Batman in his stupid face anyway. I guess that would still lead to his arrest if we're supposed to let justice take its course, so I guess I should take back the thing about the police being stupid. But I'm only taking it back for fictional Gotham police! Real police are still stupid. Also, Batman assaults Tommy when Tommy vomits on Batman's shoes and, well, the cops don't fucking arrest Batman! Some people can just legally get away with murder! Literally!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say about the end of the last issue, is that justice was both served and not served in various ways depending on if you're a cool person who gets loads of sex or you're a fascist cop-loving incel piece of shit.

Officer Tiegel shows up for, I think, the first time (at least in this series. For all I fucking know, she could already be an established character in Batman's world) when Batman pleads with her to not arrest Tommy. He fucking begs her! Like a chump!


This is one of the most confusing panel layouts I've seen in quite awhile. I think they're supposed to be read in the order I drew the arrows.

Batman prostrates and embarrasses himself in front of Tiegel for no reason at all because Tommy manages to escape from the cops on his own. He uses his telepathy to learn that one cop was fucking the other cop's wife and set them against each other. Surprisingly, the cuckolded cop doesn't blow his partner's face off with his pistol. Sometimes comic books can be so unbelievable. Once the cop knocks out his partner, he goes for Tommy which allows Tommy to escape the squad car and make a run for it. Now Batman's going to owe Tiegel a favor even though she didn't do anything for him! Unless Batman, who wrote the book on technicalities (most of them called, "I Didn't Kill That Henchman I Put in the Hospital Since He Died On the Doctor's Watch and Other Stories of People Dying By Guys Other Than Batman"), will see this as a reason to not owe Tiegel a favor. I'm sure Batman will learn pretty quickly that Tommy can handle himself.

Meanwhile, The Mawzir has arrived in Gotham and is hunting Tommy.


This takes place on page 107 of Hitman #2. What a long comic!

If you're wondering why The Mawzir has a Swastika on his forehead, it's because he was one of the Nazis hanged at the Nuremberg trial. I'm not sure if they ever delve into exactly which one he was but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe he's a composite of several of them which is why he has so many arms and dicks.


I'm guessing about the dicks but I can't believe that's the satisfied face of a man with just one dick.

Even with the threat of Batman trying to stop him, Tommy decides to go through with his hit on The Joker. Why not? It's the righteous thing to do! Oh, sure, Gandalf would be all, "Blah blah blah can't bring people back to life who didn't deserve to die blah blah blah so you shouldn't do the opposite blah blah blah now get to suckin', Frodo blah blah blah." But I'm all, "You know the fucker's going to kill again and anybody who would take the sin upon themselves of throwing the first stone to stone his motherfuckin' ass is a fuckin' hero no matter what Gandalf and Jesus say!" Jesus basically says everybody deserves a chance to redeem their past actions. But he doesn't explicitly say everybody deserves four thousand chances to redeem their past actions! I bet even Jesus would be all, "Okay, okay," as he takes a hit from his long pipe, "enough already. I give you my blessing to shank that bitch."

Word spreads on the street that Tommy's going into Arkham to put a fucking cap in The Joker's ass so everybody starts throwing jobs at him to murder psychos in Arkham. He's earning a million for The Joker but if he's going to be in the place, why not spread a few bullets around, you know?

Even with all of Gotham knowing Tommy's gonna be assaulting Arkham, he still manages to get inside thanks to his x-ray vision and his telepathy. Even Batman's left holding his dick out in a tree on the perimeter as Tommy strolls through Arkham making a few bucks.


Normally I'd be against this kind of casual murder but I've been pushed to my limits by the real assholes of the world and now I just picture Tommy doing this in the offices of Fox News and I don't even blink an ethical eye.

Tommy doesn't murder any notable characters but, just to make things exciting, he does knee-cap the Mad Hatter in response to Mad Hatter not paying a debt. That seems fair! I know a few powerful guys who could use a good knee-capping for not paying their debts but I can't say who because I think it's against the law to speculate about somebody knee-capping the U.S. president.

Tommy considers murdering all of Batman's rogues gallery but that would really put a damper on Batman's sales so he just heads right up to The Joker. He shoots the Joker in the head only to watch as The Joker transform into The Mawzir. So that cover actually was kind of a spoiler!


Fucking bad-ass character design. Except for the clown hair.

I don't know what all the Nazis hung at Nuremberg looked like because I ain't a fucking weird little psycho bitch like Todd Bowden from Apt Pupil (and everybody who pays for a Twitter subscription as well, I'm assuming) who has spent any time at all giving a shit about the monsters hanged at the trial but I suspect a number of them were probably balding with that George Costanza look. So it's probably a really specific part of the character design.

The Mawzir blows Tommy away with all of his guns but I guess he doesn't mortally wound him because I just checked this issue and it's definitely #2 and not #60.

The Ranking!
This is only the second issue of this series about a stupid fucking character from Bloodlines which introduced a mass of throw-away characters and it's already become legend just by introducing a naked Nazi demon with ten arms who can't be killed and has a Swastika cut into his forehead while also wearing the greatest cape worn since every single one of Tolkien's characters. Plus Batman's been thrown up on and made to beg and failed to stop Tommy sneaking into Arkham and nobody ever fucking complains about it. I mean, Kevin Smith makes Batman tell a story about how he slightly peed his pants one time because of being too close to an explosion and nobody ever stops talking about that. Which shows why Garth Ennis is such a great comic book writer. Who else could write superhero comic books while making the super heroes look like fucking jokes and yet still amassing tons and tons of super hero loving fans?! He's a fucking God!