Planetary #16 (October 2003)

I'm assuming the Kanji reads "Planetary" because of the little bubble that makes that first symbol into "pu".

Planetary #16 (October 2003)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

This cover screams two things at me: movie poster and "We're gonna learn about the Harks, motherfuckers!" Most comic book covers usually just scream at me, "You're a pathetic loser, you virgin bitch!" So I'm actually quite thankful that this one's being so helpful what with the Asian face and the super long fingernails and the Kanji and whatnot¹. Oh, this comic book cover screams one other thing at me as well: "Don't think about how the last issue you read, Planetary #15, also had 'OCT' on the cover or how Laura Martin used to be Laura DePuy and how John Layman isn't editor anymore and how two years of your pathetic excuse for a life have passed since the last issue!" So, um, you know what, cover? I'll take that advice. I'm not going to think about that two year gap between issues at all! It's not my problem!

One thing I will note about the delay between issues as this comic book moves along. I only own the single issues up to Planetary #20 because of these delays and my self-exile from the world of comic books for nearly a decade. About eight years ago, I finally remembered that I'd never finished the series and purchased the final book in the collection so I could see how it all ends. I've only read the last seven issues the one time which means I've basically never read it at all, being that that's how my brain works. The only comic books I truly remember are Elfquest and Cerebus because I re-read them many, many times and also I was a lonely loser who often fell asleep at night pretending that he was Skywise making out with Foxfur under the stars while also listening to country music or Doctor Demento on big plastic yellow radio headphones.

No, you know what? I made up the last sentence of that last paragraph. You can disregard it as me being stupid and silly. Especially the part about how I'd have sexual fantasies about being Skywise. That part was totally just a joke. Ha ha!

This is the end result of Anna Hark's Night's Stars Attack. It occurs on Page 10.

Being that the first ten pages of this script must have been something like, "Hey, John? Did you see Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon? Just come up with a fight scene like in that movie for the first half of the book. *cough, cough* I'm a widdle sick boi. :(", I decided to read up on the whole two year delay. My extensive research uncovered that Ellis was sick and Cassaday had other work engagements. I was fairly certain the delay was on Ellis's end because Cassaday knocks the fucking fight scenes out of the martial arts ball park where they play martial arts ball. I don't know if you can plagiarize a movie's fight scenes but Cassaday does them so well, I just assumed that he projected scenes from Sneaky Tiger, Rambunctious Dragon on his desk and just traced the fuck out of them. It's also possible my pretend script had too many words and Ellis just sent Cassaday a film reel of the movie with a Post-it note stuck to it that read, "Planetary #16".

In the second half of the comic book, Warren Ellis decided to have the characters use more words than "Die!" and "No you die!" That's probably because Elijah Snow and Anna Hark needed to reveal more back story while flirting with each other.

The sexual tension has me throbbing like a massive erection!²

Whenever somebody tells me something I didn't know, I always respond, "Who cares? Nobody, that's who! Such useless information!" Especially if it's information about my father. If he wanted me to know what you're telling me, he wouldn't have abandoned me when I was two years old! Then I'd hope they'd leave quickly so I could pull out my jar of tears from under my bed and explosively add another half inch of volume to its salty contents.

In this conversation with Anna Hark, I think it's the first time Elijah Snow is referred to as "the ghost of the 20th Century" which I fucking love. Jenny Sparks is the Spirit of the 20th Century and we know there are many more Century Babies than Jenny. So labeling them all as various aspects of the century seems like a natural progression to their identities. But I don't think Ellis ever really commits to that. I'm not even sure what "the ghost of the 20th century" means. But I love it and even if it's just Anna Hark's personal manner of referring to the man who tried to stay hidden as he also created a super secret world organization, it's pretty fucking great.

Elijah lets Anna know that he met a witness who saw her working with Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four at City Zero and he won't stand for it. He wants to work with her to keep the world safe. He wants to befriend her and her organization, utilizing her secrets for the benefit of the world. But he needs to know that she'll turn against Nazi Fantastic Four. She says there's always been a Hark to make sure the sun comes up and she implies that working with The Four may have been her only option to keep peace in the world. But now Elijah is offering her a better choice. Maybe work with the team that didn't choose a symbol that's basically an unfinished Swastika, hmm?

If I were Elijah, I'd be nervous about this meeting because what if these two had some kind of weird sexual history that he's yet to remember?!

While discussing how Wilder, the man who became a Shiftship Engineer by stepping on an ancient sacrificial stone, Hark alludes to Jakita Wagner being an orphan brought into Planetary by Elijah Stone. In a previous issue, Elijah³ mentions how Jakita is older than she looks. I still suspect she's the daughter of the woman saved by Alternate Dimension Incredible Hulk just at the edge of the Gamma Bomb's explosion mentioned in the introductory story published in, um, Gen-13 or something?

Hark smiles at Elijah which apparently means she agrees to work with Planetary. It's a bit maddening that they understand each other on this level. It's like when somebody hangs up a telephone in a television show without actually saying goodbye or indicating that the conversation is over in any way. Am I the only one that bothers? Or is that how people actually do things?!

After Anna smiles, Elijah calls in her orphan employee Wilder so she can see what's become of him. They hug and Elijah looks on like the Ghost of the 20th Century before disappearing to haunt somebody else for a bit.

The Ranking!
Since Elijah's memory returned and he decided he was done running, he's pretty much just began collecting his army, either by outwardly recruiting them or by simply making sure everybody in his organization are well taken care of so that they'll back him when four godlike shits hit the fan. I know the final issue is some kind of epilogue so that leaves ten more issues for the final confrontation. I figure Ellis and Cassaday will need a full issue for the Randall Dowling battle and another full issue for the William Leather battle. But I think Alternate Dimension Thing will go down fast, maybe he's already even dead from his transformation. We haven't really seen him yet and I don't remember much about him except I think he doesn't play a major role in the climax.⁴ Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm feels like she'll go down quick. Somebody will call her a Nazi and punch her tits off and that'll be that. Anyway, according to the next cover, Elijah Snow suplexes a sabre-toothed tiger!




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¹ The whatnot does not indicate that I had anything else to say. It is, in fact, the exact opposite. I had run out of things to say but didn't think a list of two things was enough. I mean three things. I can count.
² I really need to work on my metaphors.
³ Or somebody. It's the forest that my brain remembers. It doesn't give a fuck about the trees.
⁴ I can't wait to find out though. Maybe I should write shorter entries so I can read more than one comic book per day!

Planetary Loves JLA: Terra Occulta #1 (November 2002)

Why didn't Planetary make the cover of their own comic book?

Planetary/JLA: Terra Occulta (November 2002)
By Warren Ellis, Jerry Ordway, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by Jerry Ordway
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Is this going to be an addendum to Planetary #10, "Magic and Loss"? Or is this just an "Elseworlds" story that might have happened if Baby Superman wasn't murdered by William Leather and Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm didn't obliterate Alternate Dimension Wonder Woman as soon as she stepped off Paradise Island? Nobody really cares about Green Lantern which is why now Batman's making an appearance. Or, more probably, Batman didn't exist in the regular Planetary series which is how Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern all died. If Bruce Wayne had been around, he would have made sure those things didn't happen. Yes, even Baby Superman being killed. I'm sure Baby Bruce Wayne was already more than capable of saving Baby Superman's whiny ass.

Should I be wondering how William Leather killed Baby Superman when Baby Superman was baby invulnerable? Or is the answer simply, "Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four are basically gods so shut up you virgin douche"? Jesus. Sorry for being curious, whoever gave me that answer!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman writing a letter home to mother while sitting on a park bench and every creep in Gotham stares at her as they go past. I don't know if that was a creepy note in Ellis's script or the creepy way that Jerry Ordway views the world. Or was I supposed to think, "Wonder Woman is so beautiful that men can't resist trying to look up her skirt," and not, "Those men are disgusting perverts. Mostly because they're old men in business suits so you know they're gross and not because they're looking up Wonder Woman's skirt which is a perfectly natural thing to want to do."

Fucking old men. So disgusting!¹

The way you can tell this is an Elseworlds story is that the cars are all air foil hovercrafts like in Richard Bachman's The Running Man. Oh, and also how Wonder Woman is alive enough to write a letter to her mother instead of too dead to write a letter to her mother.

The park bench Wonder Woman's practically flashing her netherparts on isn't actually in Gotham. She's heads to Gotham later through a "Planetary Portal" instead of by train. That gives me a hint about this world being one in which Planetary has taken decisive action to make the world a better place instead of letting Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four destroy it through their influence. Which probably means Batman will be all, "I don't like that there's a shadowy cabal of four godlike figures manipulating the world! I bet we could have a better world if it wasn't for them!" That's called Dramatic Irony because we, the readers, know that if Planetary wasn't in control, Batman's world wouldn't have teleportation and hovercrafts; it would have dead baby Superman and exploded into mist Wonder Woman.

New York is bright and full of creeps in business suits which means it's probably better than Gotham which is dark and full of creeps in moth-eaten clothing and fishnet stockings. So at least that's the same across dimensions.

Is The Drummer following Wonder Woman or Popeye?

Wonder Woman goes to a party thrown by Bruce Wayne where a couple of the guests are discussing an "activation loop" and a "timetrack" and the theory that the loop goes back to the point of activation but another theory surmises that there's actually a secret activation point begun earlier which Bruce Wayne paid for and controls and I'm reading this and I'm thinking, "Is this one panel where these guests are discussing this where Shane Carruth got the idea for Primer?! I'm not even entirely sure what they're talking about but that's probably why my brain, only knowing about the things it knows, thought, "Are they discussing Primer two years before it existed?" Now my brain, being trained on In Search of... and books about weird legends & lore and The X-Files and Dungeons & Dragons and Coast to Coast AM is now thinking, "Was Primer real?"²

Because this is an Elseworlds book where Wonder Woman exists as a non-spray-of-red-mist alongside The Drummer (probably all the rest of Planetary too but I don't have proof of that yet³), the partygoers are probably talking about a device that deals in alternate realities and multiple timelines. Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne maintains a "ghost timeline" which will probably be explained but I'm guessing it's the actual Planetary timeline. If I'm wrong, understand that this is speculation as I read the comic book. Don't be like that asshole who read my New 52 Justice League International annual or whatever where I speculated about potential plot threads not being picked up (and which I mentioned being wrong about by the end!) and comment on this by saying, "What are you? A fucking stupid piece of shit? Didn't you read the solicits which explained that the next issue of Blue Beetle will follow this thread you said they wouldn't follow? Fucking moron. Stupid idiot. You should kill yourself." But if you are going to be like that person, know that I'll use you as an example of one of the dumbest assholes on the planet for the rest of my life.

Wonder Woman's main super power in this reality is attracting weird creeps.

Bruce Wayne played by Phil Hartman.

Bruce does the "I'm a total letch who drinks too much and aggressively hits on every woman I meet" bit to counteract any suspicion that he might be Batman. Just like Clark does the "I'm a total klutz with terrible eyesight whose best friend is a huge nerd" to counter the accusations that he's just Superman with glasses on. I don't know how Diana Prince hides her identity. Maybe it's the "a woman who wears clothes that don't show almost everything" so creeps won't be all, "I recognize the shape of those nipples and the outline of those labia!"

Throughout Bruce and Diana's conversation at the party, the word "wonder" is used about eight thousand times but nary one mention of a bat. Maybe it's just a coincidence that Bruce is all, "I 'wonder' what it would be like to fuck a 'woman' like Diana Prince?" Diana does not respond, "Shameless, Bruce. At least 'bat' an eye while trying to 'man'handle me!" And then Bruce is all, "Let's go back to my place, 'Wonder' 'Woman', so we can secretly meet up with 'Super' 'Man' since I'm 'Bat' 'Man'!", while doing quote fingers around each word. That's when Diana is all, "Oh shit. Sorry, Bruce, my lasso got wrapped around your leg!"

Bruce and Diana are convinced that their acts are fooling the secret rulers of the Earth who have been spying on everybody with spy satellites. But once they slip into Wayne Manor to pretend to fuck, they drop the act because the house is bat-shielded from surveillance. Also, Batman planned this party on the night that Planetary's satellites wind up in a position where a man flying from Metropolis to Gotham cannot be observed for six full minutes. Obviously Planetary is aware of this "mistake" because The Drummer's already on Wonder Woman's tail. Or Popeye's.

Bruce has been investigating Planetary and hacked into their systems to discover some shocking truths that are only slightly different from the actual shocking truths committed by Alternate Dimension Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in the alternate dimension. Planetary shot Ma and Pa Kent in the back of the head, stole the Kryptonian ship, and flooded Smallville to hide evidence of their involvement. Planetary firebombed Paradise Island just as Wonder Woman left to join Man's World. They dissected Barry Allen to steal his superspeed to use for Planetary's version of Fed-Ex. They murdered Raymond Palmer to steal his shrinking ability to use for medical advancement in micro-surgery. They claimed the Green Lantern ring after they blew the shit out of the wearer in Tunguska. All of these things were done by Planetary to advance technology and help the advancement of the human race⁴.

What are we doing here, Ellis?! Are you trying to make me rethink my feelings toward Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four from the regular series?!

I haven't finished the story⁵ so I can't say exactly what's going on here. I only have the pages so far to go on and Bruce Wayne's point of view. If I believe that Bruce has accurately depicted what's happening then I have to believe that Planetary is no better than Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four when in power. But we know, from the regular series, that that isn't the case. What I suspect is that Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four also existed in this reality but were stopped by Planetary. I suspect that in this reality, Elijah Snow never succumbed to the mental blocks by Dowling and continued to fight them. I believe they stopped Leather from killing Superman. They stopped Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm from killing Wonder Woman. But they did not stop them from killing Barry Allen or Raymond Palmer or Green Lantern. What they did do, probably, was take the information gathered by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four and used it to make the world a better place. So Bruce only actually has half of the story. The Artemis Project was so secret (and possibly so utterly destroyed by Planetary) that Bruce has found nothing about it. So he can only suspect that Planetary is the cause of all of the evil shit that's befallen people with super powers.

I don't know who killed Bruce's parents in this reality but I'm sure it will be worked into the plot.

Oh, the other option, of course, is that Bruce is exactly right and Planetary without an obvious evil nemesis would itself become corrupt in its power. Or maybe in this reality, Elijah Snow wasn't able to kick Dracula's dick off and was turned into a vampire. Or maybe . . . well, there's just too many maybes to go through, actually. I should probably just read the stupid comic book.

Bruce can't help speaking in DC Comics. "As a 'teen', I was a 'titan' of industry but an 'outsider' in all other ways. I knew to prevent 'doom', I would have to 'patrol' religiously."

The crazy guy from earlier talking about the plot of Primer is a scientist named Erdel working on time travel. While Bruce explains to the others how Erdel began working on time travel, Ellis drops an idea that I used to talk about a lot. I think it's a thing that to Ellis and anybody who has thought about it, it seems obvious so Ellis doesn't waste any time really going into it. But it's an idea that I only ever saw become mainstream for a blip of a moment when Patton Oswalt re-Tweeted somebody who mentioned it on Twitter as if it were the first time anybody had ever thought of it.

Technically the bomb would have been in front of the Earth if moved through time. Idiot.⁶

Obviously a time machine would also have to be a space craft. Or be programmed with some kind of momentum to wind up in the correct place in space where Earth would be at that time. Imagine sending a monkey back in time and at the exact same moment something enters the Earth's atmosphere and explodes in a great fireball. Coincidence or did the monkey sent back into deep space float around for fifty years until Earth caught up to it and crashed into it? Is all that Russian dash cam footage of objects exploding in the sky as they enter Earth's atmosphere actual evidence of time travel?! Probably!

When the league trying to get justice enter Erdel's lab, they find he's already started up his time machine while muttering, "Bastards! I'll show you!"

Is he talking about the bullies that gave him so many swirlies as a kid that his hair wound up in permanent Einstein disarray?

Planetary calmly watches from space as Erdel's machine blacks out half of Gotham. It then runs out of control to bring a Martian from seventy-five million years out of the past. Several ammonites drop out of its ass as it curses its own Martian god. It begins to suffocate since it's shapeshifted to breathe the atmosphere of a very different prehistoric Earth. As the alien lies dying, Ambrose Chase teleports in to see what's going on. He seems surprised to find Clark Kent there. Maybe a little scared too.

Superman manages to push Ambrose Chase into Erdel's time loop and then Bruce shuts down the machine with a Waynearang. After that, the "league" seeking "justice" use Ambrose's teleporter to travel to Planetary's base on the moon. Mere seconds after arriving, Clark is ejected into space where he can't fly or breathe. Elijah threatens the others that they'll get the same if they don't tell him where Ambrose is. As if anybody knows where Ambrose is. Probably floating in space somewhere slowing down time so that his last breath might last an eternity.

Diana runs around the base until she finds trophy evidence that Planetary is as terrible as Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four.

They've been 'incorporated' in stasis cells to the ends of 'infinity'.

I say "stasis cells" but obviously Hal Jordan has taken one to the dome so it's probably more like jars full of formaldehyde.

Jakita explains to Diana Prince that in this dimension Jakita basically is just an insert for Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm, Kim Süskind. She's all, "We're genetically better than everybody else and your island's science and socialist belief in community wasn't welcome in our world. So I had to destroy it and now I'll destroy you." But while Jakita speaks, Diana manages to remove all of her clothes. That's when I'm all, "Oh! I recognize the outline of those labia! Wonder Woman!"

While the women fight, Bruce Wayne finally gets to reveal what drove him to becoming Wayneman.

Dun dun DUN!

Is this issue going to end with Elijah Snow waking up in a cold sweat and thinking, "Whew! We have to be extremely careful not to become the Four ourselves!"?

When Elijah Snow confronts Bruce Wayne, he says, "This is the human adventure. And your not all good enough to come along." I think that's exactly what one of The Four says in the regular series. You know, just to make sure the readers understand what's going on here and why Bruce Wayne gets to be the good guy even going up against Planetary. But also, this is why this is an Elseworlds book!

Bruce defeats Elijah but then Elijah is all, "I know you can't kill and you'll have to kill me to be safe!" But Elijah forgot this is an Elseworlds title and Batman can often kill in Elseworlds titles. But also Wonder Woman defeated Jakita off-panel and then came over to help Bruce kill Elijah because, you know, Elijah was right. Bruce can't kill. I mean, he did just kill Elijah by subduing him and then not telling Wonder Woman to not kill him. But at least he didn't get his hands covered in blood. The semantics of being able to say you don't kill are really all that's important. Batman can be responsible for the deaths of thousands of people but as long as he can say he hasn't killed anybody and have that be technically true to the most pedantic of assholes, everything's right with the world.

I mean, Clark's dead but who fucking cares, I guess?

The Ranking!
A fun little Justice League book that was probably meant to be, "What if the Justice League had to deal with The Four because Planetary didn't exist?" But nobody would know what the fuck "The Four/Justice League" would have been about. It's more fun to just pit Bruce, Diana, and Clark against Elijah, Jakita, and Ambrose. And I guess The Drummer although what the fuck happened to him? I assume he was either caught by Diana as he followed her, murdered, and shoved into a dumpster. Or he actually was following Popeye and that's a whole different story. Did Ellis ever write it?! I don't have the Batman/Planetary book. Am I also missing the Planetary/Popeye jam?!


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¹ Goddammit! I just hurt my own feelings!
² Another conspiracy theory: older men's brains get super fried by conspiracy theories because they have less interruptions from their penis which normally balances how long they can think about something which cuts off the brain's ability to convince itself of truly stupid shit. So males are generally too perverse, sexist, and horny, or they're fucked up freaks who have lost the tether on reality. This especially takes hold when society has gotten so off-balance according to gender power dynamics that men can't help thinking that, just because they're men, they're the rational ones. This leads to them believing any thought that goes through their head because why would a great intelligent, logical, and rational mind think an irrational thought? The evidence of my theory is the current state of America in 2026.
³ I'm not counting Ambrose, Elijah, and Jakita on the back cover because those are spoilers for weak people who read back covers.
⁴ And line their pockets, probably.
⁵ Sure, I've finished it before. But by not remembering anything that I experience, it's like I haven't actually finished it.
⁶ Even as I call Bruce Wayne an idiot here, I've got that "I'm too old to be 100% sure about anything" feeling nagging at the back of my head that I've completely fucked this up. But if the bomb goes into the past, Earth would be further back along its orbit at that point in time. The bomb would end up in space where Earth would be in the future. So the bomb would be pumped "in front" of Earth. Right?! Am I the idiot?!

Planetary #15 (October 2001)

If this were on a British hillside, it would have a massive cock.

Planetary #15 (October 2001)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Bill O'Neil
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

Let's get ready to Dreamtime!

Was that disrespectful to the indigenous peoples of Australia? Can I be sued by Michael Buffer¹ for typing it? How many people in history do you think have shoved a didgeridoo up their arsehole? How many did it while somebody else fucked the other end? Were those questions disrespectful to the indigenous peoples of Australia?! Or do you think they'd read it and wink and go, "Roight on, me old China"?

I grew up watching Dot and the Kangaroo every time² it aired on Showtime in the late '70s. One of my main concerns while watching it was how did In Search Of... miss doing an episode on the Bunyip? It was fucking terrifying!

The main thing I remember about this issue is that Uluru turns out to be a sleeping giant who may or may not have been fucking a didgeridoo. It's hard to tell by the cover because Greased Lightning³ is standing in front of his crotch.

The issue begins telling the origin of the world through the eyes of the Australian indigenous peoples. Giants sang all life into being after the sun exploded into the sky and shit heat all over everything. Ellis may have been less vulgar in his telling but if you wanted to read his telling of it, you'd read his fucking telling. I figure since I'm just repeating what a white man from an imperialist nation is repeating of the legends of those his nation colonized, I wasn't going to respect the retelling even if it sounds like I'm not respecting the original source. But I am! By shitting on the retelling which stole the telling from the source!

The second beginning to the comic occurs when Elijah Stone and Jakita Wagner pay a visit to Ambrose Chase's wife.

I thought Jakita and Ambrose were fucking. That's not the kind of greeting you get from a wife of the man you were fucking! Was I mistaken?!

I guess if you're going to cheat on your wife, it's helpful to have a reality distorting power. You know what a reality distorting power also helps with? Convincing your wife to engage in a three-way. And not a Devil's Triangle three-way! The good kind!

Angie is Ambrose and Larissa's child, the one Ambrose held up over his head in an earlier issue. The one I assumed was Jakita's because I'm a gross pervert who assumes all coworkers are fucking each other. It's why I work alone. Don't worry about how you should parse that! Maybe I just love to masturbate. Maybe I'm too hot to work with people because we'd never get any work done. Maybe nobody wants to fuck me. Maybe it's none of those and I just learned a long time ago that the worst aspect of any job is always your coworkers and/or managers and/or bosses.

The third beginning of the story has Elijah calling up that Wilder fellow to see how things are going on the Planetary's Own Authority Shiftship Front and to ask him about his old boss, Anna Hark.

The fourth beginning has Elijah sitting on the side of a hill watching the sunrise (unless it's setting) with Axel Brass and talking about memories and old times.

What all of these short narrative threads come down to is this: Elijah Snow is doing research on his enemies. He's only got about a years worth of issues left to take them down. He needs to gather as much information as he can and build as broad a team as possible to formulate and execute a plan that will enable him to murder four gods. I wonder if he's going to recruit Angie. I bet she can distort reality too.

But the cover, and the first beginning, concern themselves with Australia. So it's time to get back to the main plot thread.

Captain Marvell was just some guy who was bored with life and decided to commit suicide by entering the Dreamtime.

The Four believe they're using the correct song to open a gate into the Dreamtime at Uluru. But they only have half the song. Since Elijah knows the other half and he also knows what will happen if the song is sung, he fires the rest of it into the Four's version. Instead of a gate opening, Uluru wakes up. The giant stands, head butts Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four's shiftship, and then goes back to sleep. The ship explodes and Elijah is all, "Before you can say it, that's not all I've got, Dowling! I've got so many more inches, dude! And girth!"

The Ranking!
I know! That was it! I guess this was just the slight rise in the graph toward the climax of the story. It'll probably go exponential from here being that basically not a whole lot happened, climactically, in the first half of the story because Planetary were archaeologists and what everybody who has never been fooled by an Indiana Jones movie knows, archaeology is fucking boring. But Elijah finally remembered his backbone and his testicles and was all, "How come we're letting assholes make the world a worse place? It's time to do something about it." Hmm, good idea, Elijah! I wish more people would start doing something about it! I know a lot of people think, "But what can I do?! I have no power!" But those people are also generally the type who don't call out their asshole relatives on social media. They continue to have relationships with terrible fucking people because they're family. You want to know what you can even when you have no power? Ostracize the assholes. Call them out on their behavior. Shun the motherfuckers, man! Shun, shun, shun! Shun like nobody's watching, baby! The amount of family and friends I have that I know are progressive and yet are still friends with terrible fucking assholes simply because they were friends with them when they were young makes me so fucking mad. Although what infuriates me more is how they just ignore how those people believe the worst propaganda and most racist shit. They just don't bring it up. They'd rather pretend their friend isn't a piece of shit rather than rock the fucking boat. But those friends? They say the stupidest garbage all the time. They're not worried about the boat capsizing! Kick those motherfuckers to the curb, man! Tell them to eat shit!

There's a reason I named this blog Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea a decade and a half ago!




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¹ I had to look up Michael Buffer's last name (somehow, I remembered Michael) by typing into the search engine, "Let's get ready to rumble dude". I think I had to pay royalties just to type that out.
² Seriously. Every. Fucking. Time.
³ Greased Lightning is a member of the Galactic Hero Corps, a team of heroes that my friends and I wrote about in our early 20s. We put out about eight issues of a 'zine with stories and art. Dan Santat did the art for our #0 issue convention special! If I could bother digging up all the action figures I made of the crew, I'd take a picture of Greased Lightning (a paint job on top of a Wonder Man figure) and you'd go, "Hey! That's the guy on the cover of this comic book!" If Michael Buffer can sue me, I'm going to sue John Cassaday.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #29 (Third Week of June 2018)

E!TACT #29
Batman #48 & #49, The Man of Steel #2, The Man of Steel #3, Poetry Corner, and Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
By Grunion Guy


Comic Book Reviews!

Batman #48 & #49
By King, Janin, and Chung

I like what Tom King has done in comics. I truly like the way he tells a story. But he's got one major problem. He doesn't seem to know when a story doesn't need to be told. This is that story.

The easy reason for why it didn't need to be told is that we've seen this premise before. If Batman is happy, he stops being Batman. Got it. Understood! Thanks for making sure Batman remains grim and unbearable for the sake of hardcore fans who don't know the definition of whimsy. Anyway, Snyder, who retold the story most recently, took over a year to tell this story so at least I can say Tom King's version is shorter.

The hard reason for why it didn't need to be told will take a convoluted while for me to tell. So let me start with why I know why it needed to be restated as prologue to the wedding of Batman and Catwoman. Comic book readers, who know this marriage will never take and is just another big nothing in the life of a comic book character whose basic attributes and life situation can never truly change, needed to be reminded that they knew this marriage wouldn't work. We've had months of Bat this and Cat that lulling us into this fantasy world where Batman and Catwoman would suddenly be fighting crime together at night and ruining the sheets Alfred keeps bleaching by day. What a wonderful world this was going to be! So romantic and fun!

But then the Joker had to show up and shit all over it in the most disturbing way possible. If you're thinking the most disturbing way possible to shit on Batman's wedding is to shit on Batman's wedding, you're wrong by a factor of a spree killing in a church.

Oh, but before I continue with that thought, let me answer the question I keep hearing from all of my imaginary readers: "So, Grunion Genius, you're saying this story didn't need to be told but that the previous Booster Gold story did?" No, you fucking idiots, that's not what I'm saying. Christ, it's like I have to constantly hold the hands of your tiny brains when I say anything at all on the Internet so I don't have to hear your incessant and imagined stupidity! Obviously no comic book story ever needs to be told. But I don't want to get into the philosophical weeds where we keep getting back to the main question of how we tell the nature of reality through our meager and insufficient means of experiencing it. If I accept the Booster Gold story can be told, I suppose I need to accept that this story can be told. Except I don't want to. Which leads me back to the reasons why before you interrupted me.

But first let me interrupt myself! Way back when I was a virginal teenager (much different than today because now I'm a virginal adult), I remember having this distinct thought about a comic book series I was reading: "I hope I don't die before I can finish reading this story." I'd like to say it was something like Watchmen or Elfquest or even Crisis On Infinite Earths. But it's sad to say it was just as likely to have been Blue Devil or Blue Beetle or Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. The important thing to realize is that I was once an age where each individual story seemed important. I was passionately invested in any garbage turned out from month to month because I was invested in the characters. Back then, I didn't follow writers or artists or Gnostic visions brought on by the ingestion of psilocybin mushrooms. I just wanted to read more stories about Skywise banging Foxfur in a starry meadow. But I'm more sophisticated now! I mean more cynical! I mean more understanding of the way comic books work and how they never really get to the point of anything. They're just one meaningless drama after another as each writer takes a turn to express why they feel the character was important to them twenty years before they finally got a chance at writing that character. It turns out a lot of writers just want to say the same exact thing.

And that was my first and easiest to come up with reason for why this story didn't need to be told. My second reason was, essentially, that no story actually needs to be told so that seems to make my first reason moot. But it doesn't! Because if no story needs to be told then all stories can be told. Which means none of them truly matter. Because at that point, the story about how your grandmother would eat her toenail clippings suddenly has as much worth as the story of Christ resurrected (which, I guess, it does so that's a bad example. But hopefully you get my point!). Which brings me back to the difficulty of expressing the point of this essay: Tom King didn't need to tell this story.

I think it's important to try to understand why Tom King thought he needed to tell this story though. Did you read The Sheriff of Babylon? I'm going to assume that you did. In it, Tom King seemed to be expressing the absurdity of this world in a truly serious and awful story about how war and the clash of cultures and greed and desire and need and corruption and all of the human accessories are piled upon us to fuck us all, forever. It's absurd that so many people suffer from global conflicts that we all feel powerless to avert, as if they're a volcano erupting or a tsunami triggered by a massive earthquake. We're all swept up in unnatual disasters we treat as natural. What can you do? This is the way things are. We have a role and we must play our part. *shoulder shrug*

In The Sheriff of Babylon, we discover a group of people caught up in this existential farce. But we also see them trying their best to do the right thing. What can you do in the face of absurdity except to try to do your best? I mean aside from, like most people, to do their worst by making everybody miserable simply to get as much wealth and power as they can. There is that choice, after all. That point will probably tie back in when I get back to Batman but my main point here is trying to highlight that, I think, the world cracked Tom King in his pre-comic book writer life and he can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all as he treats it as deadly serious.

Take a look back at the Booster Gold story in the previous Batman arc. It's nothing if not a deadly serious situation told in an absurd fashion about one guy trying to do the best he can to improve that situation. That's also The Sheriff of Babylon (except the one dude is two dudes and a lady). That's also The Omega Men (except the one dude is a tiger man and a princess and a robot and an orphan and the worst Green Lantern (in his best role)). That's also Mister Miracle (except the one dude is one New God and his wife and baby). And then, there's Maude. I mean Batman.

Maybe I should sum up "The Best Man" before continuing? The Joker murders a bunch of people in church to get Batman's attention. He then defeats Batman so that Catwoman has to step in. This is when we learn that his main reason for this nonsense is to convince Catwoman to not marry Batman by killing her. Or maybe just convince her by almost killing her and then dying. Whatever his reasons (which, let's face it, are unfathomable because he's The Joker, right?!), the main point is to keep Batman sad and grim so that Batman will keep punching The Joker in the face.

Wait! I don't think I told that right! The Joker points out that if Batman is happy, he can't be Batman (as we saw in Snyder's story and all the others that I'm certain exist but I don't have time to research and I can't remember due to all those Gnostic visions). And if he can't be Batman, he can't stop the Joker from constantly killing people in Gotham churches. Not that Batman stops that anyway. I guess what Batman's real service to Gotham is to stop the Joker from killing everybody in two churches (or killing everybody from two poisoned reservoirs (or killing everybody from two Joker-tainted Justice Leagues (or killing everybody from two massive gas attacks (or from killing everybody from two machine gun filled parades (or, well, you probably got the point twenty years ago))))). What is left ambiguous is whether the Joker wants Batman to stop him because, as Catwoman via The Riddler's logic points out, he's not really crazy and needs to be punished for what he knows are evil actions, or if The Joker just loves Batman and would miss him if he stopped being there to punch Joker in the face. What isn't left ambiguous is that the Joker convinces Catwoman of this by the end of the story. Batman says, "We don't know what the Joker wanted but he didn't get it." And then Catwoman laughs because, literally, what he wanted was for Catwoman to laugh. Of course his main agenda was to get Catwoman to not marry Batman. But that, of course, is why Catwoman laughs at Batman's suggestion that the Joker didn't get what he wanted.

So that's the story! The Joker does a horrible thing while saying shocking stuff to Batman and then nearly kills all the main characters before Catwoman finally gets the joke. And after all these words, I haven't really stated why this story didn't need to be told (aside from the fact that it's been told and we, as comic book readers, already understand that Catwoman and Batman will not wind up in a happily ever after (since, you know, comic books don't have an after! They just have an eternal almost now)).

The reason the story did not have to be told seems to be because it made me uncomfortable. It really is an unpleasant read. I can see the regular Internet critics who hate Tom King right now feeling justified: "He's trying to write funny dialogue in a deadly serious situation! What a hack!" But it made me think, "Has this version of The Joker ever been done before?" Sure, the Joker's made readers uncomfortable by killing randomly. He's made people uncomfortable due to his unpredictability. And he's made people uncomfortable by trying to suck Batman's dick. But has he ever made people squirm because of the things he's saying in a way they shouldn't be said? And then I thought, "Am I the Joker?"

Example: the Non-Certified Spouse and I were watching season one of Project Runway Junior. When Victoria gets kicked out, she says, "It's been such a great experience being around kids that all share the same passion." And I said, "What? Masturbation?" At that point, the Non-Certified Spouse looked at me as if I'd just shit all over Batman's wedding.

I don't know. I guess I just can't defend my own premise. The Joker's actions are absurd. Batman's reaction and the way he lets the Joker lead him to defeat is absurd. Catwoman's blasé attitude to Bruce possibly being killed and then bleeding out with the Joker is absurd. Is this a retelling of The Sheriff of Babylon in microcosm? Is Batman Christopher? Is Catwoman Saffiya? Are they just caught up in an endless man-made natural disaster called Gotham?

At the end of the first half, The Joker tells Batman to head toward love because all else is chaos. But his whole point is to end Batman's love. Is it because the Joker's love is chaos? Is he, finally, admitting he doesn't love Batman at all? If that's the case, I might have to scrap my original premise that this story didn't need to be told. Because I've grown tired of the Joker as Batman's disgruntled and rebuffed boyfriend. The whole idea that the Joker loves Batman has become a parody of itself. I think the Lego Batman Movie finally put the fork in that one. You can't keep alluding to it if everybody begins stating it outright. But what if Tom King is saying, "No, wait. The Joker doesn't love Batman. The Joker actually does love murder and mayhem and chaos. The Joker loves those things. But what are those things without an audience? It becomes masturbation if there's nobody there to witness it. And so, in that way (and that way only), the Joker needs Batman. He needs a serious and grim and opposite-of-absurd witness to the chaos." If that's what Tom King is saying (and I don't know for sure because I haven't asked him because every time I'm at a con where Tom King is signing, there's picture of me posted to warn security to keep me at least fifty feet away from his table (I mean, seriously, you tweet at a guy a non-insubstantial number of times that you'd like to suck his dick in appreciation of all the great stories he's told and you get blacklisted for it!)), you know what? Maybe this story did need to be told. But if he's not saying that, fuck him! Just kidding! I mean, seriously, if he's not into getting his dick sucked by a crazy eyed rabid stranger, he certainly won't be into full coitus! Maybe he's been hinting around that what he really wants offered is a hand job? Hmm.

Rating: If you'd read my introductory paragraph and thought, "Grunion Guy is really going to let Tom King have it by describing why this story shouldn't have been told," you're now finding out you were wrong. What you should have thought when you read my introductory paragraph was, "Grunion Guy really doesn't know how to write essays, does he?" Because I liked this story. It was awkward and uncomfortable and disgusting and all the things the Joker should be. But it still shouldn't have been told. Because I like my Joker crazy and violent and chaotic. This Joker knows way too precisely exactly how fucking creepy he's being. And if this version of the Joker sticks around, we're all fucked.

P.S. Don't @ me for saying "It becomes masturbation if there's nobody there to witness it" because I, too, understand how nice masturbation is when there's somebody there to witness it. As does the Joker, I think.

* * * * * * * * * *

KB already replied: I think I get what you're saying. In theory, a writer should ask whether the story he's telling is worth telling -- does it reveal any new wrinkles about the characters or change their world in any fashion? -- and then the question after that is, does it leave the characters in a better storytelling condition?

You can tell a story that has no impact on anything; that's all right, but at least make it fun. You can tell a story that's already been told, but please don't; at least come up with a new wrinkle that leaves characters in a better position. As you point out, it looks like the Joker is in no way improved by this.

I wonder if the writers and editors have trouble with what to me is a simple concept: Bruce Wayne may not exactly enjoy being Batman, but he finds it fulfilling at some level. That shouldn't be that hard to understand, and it serves as a good center for Batman: he'd love to live in a world where he wasn't necessary, but since he is, he's in for the duration. It's hard and it's stressful, but he can do no less. And maybe they could spare us from retelling this story yet again if it were treated like a no-brainer: Batman Batmans because somebody has to and he is the best candidate for the job.

Two things I liked about "Zero Year" that, I think, really inform who Batman is and how he relates to the Joker:

1) We saw in the ZY flashbacks that Bruce Wayne is very deeply bugged by the fragility of human life. As a teenager he was in the habit of seeing all the people around him as basically one bullet away from being corpses. That's a solid insight into Bruce Wayne and why he Batmans: not because he hates crime, not because he wants revenge, but because people are going to die unless he does something. So simple and straightforward, yet so many writers (and readers) have trouble with it.

2) Here's how things look from the Joker's perspective (I'm not even going to try to give it the Joker's voice but bear with me). "Okay, so we used to try to commit crimes and terrorize Gotham as the Red Hood Gang, right? Except there was this vigilante who showed up to stop us. I don't know who he was; he'd dress up in disguises so we never knew who he'd be, but he'd turn up again and again, and he could never quite stop us. I guess we pushed him too far, because one day he just showed up dressed as a giant bat! HO-LEE SHIT. That guy is NUTS!" Snyder never said so explicitly, but I definitely got the feeling that the Joker loved how he'd pushed his vigilante into some next-level crazy; how do you walk away from that?

Anyway, those are examples of stories that reveal something new about the characters, and I feel leave them in a better position. On the other side of that we've got Snyder's later reveal (which I still think was originally just a hallucination and then bad editors got involved) that the Joker is immortal, he can suddenly be seen in old photos, he heals like he does because of magic metal, he can stick an axe in Jim Gordon's chest without killing him, and so on. New wrinkles but they weaken the character.

My Reply: 1. I hate the idea that Bruce Wayne can't be both Batman and happy. It doesn't make sense and it's just something most current Batman writers and editors just seem to agree with.

2. Why can't Bruce and Selina be happily married? Why can't a wife who is also Catwoman temper Bruce/Batman in the same ways that readers have accepted Robin does. Not those same ways, pervert.

3. I think the Joker may have been improved by this. That was kind of my point and nearly the only reason I liked it after a second or third reread. I believe this is a Joker we haven't seen. I can't be sure because I haven't read all of the Joker stories. But I hated this Joker. Not in an "I hate the way Tom King wrote this Joker" kind of way. I hated the Joker Tom King wrote because I'm pretty sure I'm meant to hate him. I don't think you can admire this Joker in the way fans admire psychotic bad guys because of how entertaining they can be. This Joker was the creepy Japanese horror villain amid all the Freddy Kreuger's and Jason Voorhees of Western horror cinema.

4. Because of #3, I believe this story did need to be told. But that's the only reason. Everything else was stuff we've already gotten. Batman failing to save people from Joker. Joker hurting people to get to Batman. Fans being told in a fairly explicit way, "This marriage can't work because fake reasons we've all told you about over and over and over again."

5. Okay, maybe #3 wasn't the only reason. I do think having Joker poison the marriage by getting to Catwoman was a nice touch (since it had to happen in some way anyhow). Plus the way Catwoman and Joker kind of commented on their history as Batman villains (while awkward and unrealistic due to bleeding out but not bleeding out because they kept pressure on their wounds! (but, I mean, comic book! So unrealistic I don't mind!)) was a bit of that fun absurdity in a deadly serious situation.

6. I still can't believe Snyder's Joker story didn't turn out to be a hallucination. Perhaps he's still hallucinating and has been since that story?!

7. The bottom line for me was that when I first read this, I hated it. After the second reading, I realized why: it was fucking disturbing. After the third reading, I realized it reminded me of The Sheriff of Babylon. That's when all of Tom King's stuff began reminding me of all of Tom King's stuff. He's the real world example of Watchmen's Comedian. Not because he raped somebody or beat up a guy because he was gay (did he do those things? Sorry fictional Comedian if I just slandered your character) but because he chooses to add whimsy and goofiness to stories that have an underlying deadly and serious tone.

8. It's like when I began to realize that all of my all-time favorite books had a common thread of escaping versus fighting back. Catch-22. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. The Grapes of Wrath. Even House of Leaves and Alice in Wonderland tell a version of that story. I'm drawn to certain themes and tones, it seems. And whatever Tom King is doing overall, I'm drawn to it.

9. I can't wait for more from Tom King. For me, this was the worst Joker ever. In a good way.

Oh, and I like your points #1 and #2. Of course, your version of The Joker fits with Riddler's version, I'd say. Where he isn't really crazy. But he is, like all Batman villains, obsessive. His obsession, once he realized the bat guy was nuts, is in fucking with the bat guy. I can totally see that.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Man of Steel #2
By Bendis, Shaner, Rude, and Sinclair

"Happy birthday, son! We got you an alienating back story!"

Over the years, I've had a lot of responses to my comic book reviews. While a few of them were "Why do you hate my . . . I mean Cullen Bunn's writing so much?", most of them were a version of "So I just finished your review and I was wondering what you really think of the comic book." This has always intrigued me. Why would somebody actually want to know a stranger's opinion on what was almost certainly a shitty comic book? Maybe ten of my four thousand reviews were actually meant to encourage people to read the comic book I was reviewing. Most of the reviews were an experience unto themselves. Whenever somebody would ask what I really thought, I realized that person didn't read the review correctly and probably had a learning disability. I mean, it was a Batman comic book! You already know what 95% of that experience is going to be! And if you need the other five percent to be whether some terrible writer on the Internet liked or disliked it, maybe you've got issues trusting your own judgment.

What's even worse is when people argue with me. There was that one guy who totally wasn't Cullen Bunn or his wife who argued incessantly with my Twat Lobo reviews. He then went on to argue with my Not-Twat Lobo-centric Justice League of America reviews. On a number of occasions, I simply responded, "You don't understand this blog." He would invariably answer, "What's to understand?!" which he probably meant as an insult, right? "Your opinions are so simple-minded and biased! Sorry not sorry!" But I refused to explain the magic trick and instead just continued to boggle at his inability to understand exaggeration for effect and obvious bias disguised as impartial critique.

Not that I should be surprised by that response and then insult their learning disability that I'm sure they've been struggling with for years when the whole point of my reviews is that they're supposed to sound like an arrogant yet somewhat stupid asshole who doesn't know how to write reviews! Did that sound convincing? Do you now believe that it was a purposeful fictional voice created all those years ago? I finally fired my therapist and I'm trying a new strategy to get people to like me. Right now I'm trying "Oh, you thought that was my real personality? Silly!" My previous attempt to get people to like me was to not care if they really thought I believed the horrible things I said. Spoiler alert: they all thought I really believed the things I said and hated me for it!

That last statement isn't entirely true. That one time when some petitioner on the street asked me if I wanted to save the pandas and I said, "I hate pandas," she flirtatiously stuck her tongue out at me and I'm fairly certain I only imagined her mutter "Cunt" from behind my back as I walked on.

"So, um, Man of Steel #2?" you might be asking. "Yeah, yeah!" I say charismatically. "I'm getting to that!" That's the segue into the actual review part (which, as I pointed out so that you don't retain any high expectations, will barely be a review).

These four panels basically explain the premise of the entire series. My review of them? "If I have to read this many words in every panel, I'm going to kill myself publicly."

Let's pretend that Rogol Zaar is Bendis's Mary Sue and Krypton is America so that we can theorize how Bendis is anti-America. Who else is on board with that interpretation? To completely understand it, you might have to remember how Rogol Zaar's reasons for destroying Krypton was that Krypton was a threat to the entire fabric of DC continuity. Just like how Bendis thinks America is a threat to world peace. In Bendis's mind, America must be destroyed if we're to save the rest of the world.

Not that I'm saying I agree with Bendis because I live in America and please don't destroy me but it's a compelling theory, right?!

But that whole Rogol Zaar crap doesn't matter yet! The thing that matters is that Lois Lane and Jon are missing and everybody is all, "Did Clark Kent murder them?" Even Hal Jordan was all, "So, I heard from Oberon that things in the Kent-Lane home (and probably bedroom) aren't so great?" But instead of Superman telling Hal, "Well, maybe I could use the Justice League's help because there was this incident last week where this thing appeared in our kitchen and then I was on the moon and . . . well, I'll tell you more as the story unravels across six issues. For now, that's all you need to know." Then Hal could have been, "Oh, um, excuse me. I need to be on Planet I'm-Not-Making-Up-This-Name in like a nanosecond. Thanks for whatever!"

I wasn't sure how I felt about Bendis and then I got to this page:

He's the greatest comic book writer of our generation!

Ambush Bug is saying, "Dsagfds! Jgfh hgfdhdfg gfsdd." I guess he can only speak using letters in the home row. In the next panel, he exclaims, "Ljkl!" as he drops the items he's juggling. I guess "Ljkl!" is Homerowese for "FUCK!"

In the galactic bar where Ambush Bug has declared his DC continence (don't argue with me. That wording works better than you think!), Rogol Zaar wanders in to have his once yearly drink. I guess he's been slumbering for thirty something years and only wakes up once a week or something. While there, he sees the symbol of the House of El and learns that there's still a Kryptonian out there. Apparently his rage wasn't that the race of Kryptonians would destroy the universe but that they existed at all. Because he's still super angry about one superman left in the galaxy. His racial animosity flares and, I'm pretty certain, he's planning a trip to Earth. Or what are the other four issues going to be about? Superman looking for Lois and Jon? How much punching will be in that story? Boring!

Maybe Bendis is less the greatest writer of our generation and less angry at America's abuse of power on the world stage and more of a MAGA type. Why are all his homeless people minorities?

I apologize if Bendis isn't as racist as that page might seem. It could also be Doc Shaner or Steve Rude or Alex Sinclair who are the racist ones.

So, um, anyway, Rogol Zaar decides to hop on his space motorcycle in an attempt to be even less like Lobo (that was sarcastic because Lobo rides a space motorcycle and is also black and white and also loves genocide!) so he can zip to Earth and kill Superman (oh! And Lobo also once tried to kill Superman!).

Rating: My interest is still being held! There's a story here which is better than all of those comic books that don't have a story. The only problem is that the antagonist has been seen before in several different versions and parodies of those versions. And there's always a new version of how and why Krypton was destroyed. But at least Lois Lane has been kidnapped so that's, um, not yet the different thing I was looking for. What about the Daily Planet going under or being sold? No, no. Seen that. Anyway, Ambush Bug made an appearance! That's got to count for at least fifty cents of the cover price!

* * * * * * * * * *

The Man of Steel #3
By Bendis, Sook, and Sinclair

The maniac was Uncle Bushido zombie David Bowie Lobo?!

I get the feeling when Brian Michael Bendis was designing the character of Rogol Zaar, people kept asking him, "Are you trying to make him like Lobo?" And Bendis's answer was always, "Why do people keep asking me that? Of course I am! Now I have to make him even more like Lobo so they stop asking!" Because at first, he just sort of looked like him with the white and black motif and the facial hair. But then readers were introduced to his love of genocide. Then when people were thinking, "Geez, Brian. You know Lobo already exists, right?", he let us all in on Rogol Zaar's unique method of getting around space: a space Harley! At that point, there were few people denying the blatant rip-off of Lobo in the character design. But those few who were left were all, "No way. Totally different. It's not like Rogol Zaar loves space dolphins and has a skull belt buckle!"

Game, set, and match!

Rogol Zaar trashes the Fortress of Solitude before finding the Bottle City of Kandor half full of Superman's late night wees. There's no guessing what he's going to do with it! Except this comic book isn't being told in the world that I want to live in so there are probably just a few guesses that could be true. Fucking it until all the Kandorians drown in Rogol Zaar cum probably isn't one of them.

Superman hears the Fortress of Solitude alarm and leaves Batman alone to investigate the arsons in Metropolis. Superman is a boy scout and not a detective. Superman can start a fire but he can't tell you who started one. I hope there isn't a "Man of Steel Tie-in!" issue of Batman where Batman has to leave Catwoman on their honeymoon to investigate arson for twenty pages. But I do hope there's a Catwoman "Man of Steel Tie-in!" issue where Batman has to go investigate arson on their honeymoon so she spends twenty pages masturbating in a heart-shaped bed.

Superman grew up with the most cerebral parents. "Stuff is just stuff" and "Fire is fire!" You don't get this kind of down-on-the-farm wisdom growing up in a coastal elite bubble!

Superman finds Kandor smashed. Supergirl arrives ready to punch somebody in the face and blast them with her vagina.

Some of you might be new to my reviews so I should remind you that there are around four thousand previous entries. I will occasionally refer back to that library of work. When doing so, I will probably confuse the new people and they might think, "Well, that was rude and sexist." I don't mind. It goes with the territory. But if I know there is at least one old school reader who remembers how often we saw Supergirl FWAAAASH an enemy with her exploding vagina, I'm content. Also, remember how Superman stole Supergirl's exploding vagina power? But he couldn't handle it and it always made him lose his powers for twenty-four hours? What a non-pussy.

As an aside, I think Dove of Hawk and Dove was the first character to use the vagina attack in The New 52.

We get to see a little bit more of the moment Lois and Jon disappeared and while, last time, I thought, "Has Brainiac decided to become a giant robotic caterpillar?", this time I'm left thinking, "Holy fuck. Mister Mind kidnapped them?" Now, sure, Mister Mind is a little bitty caterpillar thing. But it seems maybe now he's a full grown humanoid who rides around in a robotic caterpillar mechazoid. I could be wrong but I'm probably not. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, after all. Plus, if I am wrong, I have a catalog of four thousand reviews to obfuscate and hide my failures. Nobody will remember this one! I mean, how many people remember how adamantly I proclaimed Harvest was Red Robin from the future who had been turned into a vampire? Like probably nobody, right?

And, also, Harvest absolutely was Red Robin from the future who had been turned into a vampire.

Rogol Zaar leads Superman and Supergirl back to Metropolis so they can have a big street battle. I guess Rogol Zaar wants to remind everybody of Doomsday as well.

Rating: When a big name comic book writer is lured over to another company to shake things up, I always imagine the editors need to offer up something to sweeten the deal. Sure, Bendis was probably excited to take lead on Superman for a bit. Who wouldn't want to write Superman? I mean aside from all the writers who have written him whom you could tell weren't really interested in writing him. I would name some but you all remember how much I can't stand Scott Lobdell's writing.

Editors: "Look. If you sign this contract, we'll let you bring Ambush Bug back into mainstream DC continuity."
Bendis: "I was going to do that anyway."
Editors: "You can have your own creator owned title! Just please fix Superman for us!"
Bendis: "I can get that at Image any time. But I'll take that too. I just need a little more."
Editors: "What if we let you change the entire history of Krypton's destruction?!"
Bendis: "Wait. Weren't you expecting that from me? Look, guys, you really need to sweeten this deal before I let you suck my dick while fingering my asshole?"
Editors: "You can kill Kandor!"
Bendis: "Oh. OH. Oh yeah. Okay. Also, never mind the dick sucking because I just came in my pants so hard."

That wasn't a standard comic book review rating but it's all I got. Sue me. But not for sexual harassment because you might win that lawsuit. Sue me for something frivolous and dumb that will immediately get thrown out of court, forcing you to pay for my lawyer's fees. Also my lawyer will be me so if you want to skip all the hassle, you can just cut me a check.

* * * * * * * * * *


Poetry Corner with Grunion Guy!

Civility

As the blood ran down my nose, I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Fucker."
Mrs. Marshall grabbed my arm and hissed, "There's no call for that kind of language."
And so I spent detention seated across from my schoolyard bully.

* * * * * * * * * *


Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Revolution 1 by The Beatles
Isn't it interesting that a song about revolution on an album exclusively referred to as the "white album" sung by a group of four white males would have the lyrics "Don't you know it's gonna be all right"? Of course a bunch of white guys are going to say that, whether or not the song is calling for violent revolution. I mean, I know they say "You can count me out" but then they also quickly say "in" so I'm confused.
     Actually, I'm not totally convinced this song has anything to do with revolution at all. I think this is just a list of retorts Lennon thought up to say to peace activists on the street bothering him about signing their petitions. "Oh, you say you've got the solution? Let's see the plan? No? Well fuck off then, mate." "Oh, you want some of my money? I'm doing my own thing to save the world that you don't know about, buddy! Shove off!"
     It's also possible that I'm letting my own feelings interfere with an objective review of this song. I guess it doesn't really matter because does this song need any new commentary about it? At least it isn't Revolution 9!
Grade: B+.


Number One by Ookla the Mok
If you're really into Star Trek: The Next Generation-themed songs and songs about needing to poo, this song is the nexus of your loves. The premise of the song is that, upon being assigned to the Enterprise, William Riker discovers that it doesn't have any bathrooms and he must hold in his shit for seven years. This becomes the basis for Riker's entire arc of The Next Generation. It's why he becomes fat and bloated. It's why he grows a beard. It's why he's always so short with Wesley Crusher. It's the origin story for his evil transporter twin. The guy just can't relieve himself! I'm laughing just thinking about how "Number One" is what Riker is called as the first officer and how "number two" is slang for pooing! Another highlight of the song is how Riker says if he can't go soon, he'll have to "boldly go where no one's ever gone before!" Get it?!
     Another cool thing about this song is the way it'll force you to constantly regard Jonathan Frakes' acting as a result of his needing to poop so badly. It really makes an already pretty good show shine in the way that, if you love playing tennis, playing tennis is fun but then you play tennis on acid and it's super-duper fun because you're also laughing maniacally the whole time and feeling like maybe you have to pee but you're not quite sure and also you get to know the meaning of life for a few hours. Well, maybe it's not just like that but it's similar in the way that Kermit's voice by Jim Henson is similar to Kermit's voice by Steve Whitmire. I didn't know that's the person who took over for Jim until this moment because I'm not as obsessed with Kermit as that stalker Miss Piggy.
Grade: B+ (Yes, it's just as good as Revolution 1!)


Questions in a World of Blue by Julee Cruise
Last year while I was hopped up on medicinal cannabis in chocolate form, my friend Upright and I discussed the third season of Twin Peaks. While I wouldn't say we figured it out, I think we were on the right track. We came to the conclusion that a large part of the series was a dream. But not just one person's dream. These were the dreams of all the main characters from the series. Eventually, though, they did all merge into Laura's dream to defeat Bob. Or whatever that thing that was bigger and more evil than Bob was called. But, being that Lynch decided not to end it there (presumably because Mark Frost wanted to end it there and Lynch needed to point out to Mark Frost, one more time, that Lynch's dick was much bigger than Frost's), the results of the final battle were more than a little bit ambiguous.
     Some people will believe that making everything a dream is an easy out. But it's not like Lynch just went, "Hey! All this stuff never really happened! It was all a dream! Ha ha!" No, Lynch believes the dream is the most important thing. He says as much in the series. But I'm digressing and I don't want to digress into a discussion of Twin Peaks: The Return because I'll never come back from that. I just wanted to describe the moment I knew — absolutely and positively knew — that every single thing in the show was a dream: it was when James was allowed to sing on stage at The Roadhouse. Plus remember how that one woman said James was cool? Like that has ever been said ever in any discussion of Twin Peaks ever. Lynch knew that would be a signal to people that it was a dream! "James? Cool?! What the fuck is going on here?!" Plus by the end, even in his own dream, James knows he isn't man enough to be the hero. So he dreams up a ridiculous British guy with a super glove to save the day instead! James is cool? No, no. James is a fucking disgrace.
     But that's not about this song. This song is sad and lovely and I'd probably be crying now if I hadn't paused it to think about James. Here's another thing I thought about James: I bet James is the exception to Internet Rule #34.
     Now I want to discuss Fire Walk With Me as well! I mean, I don't want to discuss it so much that I'm going to put the work in writing an essay about it.
Grade: A.


Good Clean Fun by The Monkees
I just came up with a theory. That theory is that The Faint's "Southern Belles in London Sing" was written as a response to this song. I think if somebody could do a mashup of these two songs, it would probably work better than when I try to play one on YouTube and the other on my iTunes! Being that I don't really understand music or music theory, I can't vouch for those two songs sounding good when mixed together. My theory stems from the fact that Southern Belles is about a person waiting for somebody to arrive on a plane while Good Clean Fun is about a person on plane arriving to a person waiting for them!
      I didn't say it was a good theory. But it is an okay song.
Grade: C+.


The Kindness of Strangers by Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds
Sometimes you just feel like listening to a song where a lonely lady is murdered while just trying to make some human contact. When that's the case, you can just pick up any old Nick Cave song at random and play one of his songs because they're all composed of that sort of tone. But if you want something a little more specific, this is the song you were thinking of.
     This song is also a good example of negging. Dick Slade probably couldn't have killed and raped Mary Bellows if he'd pursued her like a normal person. Instead he's just all, "Look how charming I am! I don't even care if you don't want to fuck me! I'm just going to leave you here to think about my wink goodbye and the five times I 'actuallyed' you while helping with your luggage!" And Mary Bellows was all, "You know what? I know I've masturbated myself to sleep every night of my adult life but I'm currently on an adventure to see the ocean! Tonight, I'm going to get laid!" And she does get laid! Probably. It's not really clear on that point. I suspect the reason Dick killed her after handcuffing her to the bed could be because Dick was impotent and Mary said, "What the fuck is wrong with your tallywacker? Stiffen that floppy monster up, you big nerd!" Then he was all, "Oh man! You just justified my hatred for women which totally wasn't a thing until just now no matter what every single one of my actions and Internet posts up until this point indicate! Now you'll get yours!"
      Some of you might be thinking, "Where did this whole impotency theory come from?" as if I just loved to spout random things that make no sense. I mean, I do love to do that! But sometimes I use logic to come up with my theories (like how Harvest was really Red Robin from the future after he'd been turned into an impotent vampire). His name is Richard Slade. A nickname for Richard is Dick. Slade is a flat grassy area. Like a vagina! So the opposite of a boner! Quid pro ex temper sum laude, bitch!
Grade: B-.

* * * * * * * * * *

Jesus, it's getting late! And wordy! I guess it's time to go! Later, jerkos!

Planetary #14 (June 2001)

Planetary's first album never charted.

Planetary (June 2001)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Bill O'Neil
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

Did Wildstorm release a second version of this cover but in red? Zero Point II? Obviously, other than the color, this is less like a Guns N Roses cover than something by one of those early to mid '90s bands like Gin Blossoms or the Spin Doctors. I also thought maybe Ugly Kid Joe but it's their comic book advertisement that I'm picturing and not one of their album covers. I think. What do I know about Ugly Kid Joe except that they, along with Faster Pussycat, had a hit song that made me think about how terrible my father was. Speaking of "Cat's in the Cradle," I actually have a memory of my favorite time ever hearing it: at Karaoke on Halloween when somebody dressed as Darth Vader sang it. Classic.

The way this begins, in 1995, I'm highly suspecting it's a riff on The X-Files. I've explained how I don't go in for that 100% confident crap and how "highly suspecting" is about as close to 100% as I'll get because I remember the young person I used to be who was way too confident in his ignorance and once pissed off Well-Done Comedian Bobby Henline's older sister Colleen by telling her that "Rock and Roll All Nite" was not a Kiss song but, in fact, a Poison song. But this issue begins with somebody saying, "The truth is in here," and then going on to talk about abductions so "highly suspect" basically means "Yeah, we're doing Sculder and Mully this month, guys!"

I was walking down the street a few days ago wearing my I Want to Believe shirt when somebody passing by in the opposite direction just said, "Mulder." I made some kind of noise in acknowledgement that communicated nothing but, possibly, contempt. It was the kind of response you save for somebody who responds to something you've said or written with "I see what you did there!" or "I get the reference!" Great. Good job, sir, but I don't carry Scratch 'n Sniff stickers or gold stars around with me. You're going to have to accept my grunt of semi-acknowledgement at your pop culture awareness.

Is it brown? Is it sticky? Yeah, it's a stick. Or an alien turd.

The stick turns out to be Mjǫllnir so, um, maybe I owe Colleen Henline an apology. Did The X-Files ever do a Norse God episode? I don't think they did. The weapon was discovered by Ambrose Chase aboard some flying ship which Chase managed to crash in the Amazon. Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm was apparently aboard the craft.

How do you hit somebody with your giant hammer if a sharp jolt of kinetic energy causes it to turn back into a fucking stick?

On the page opposite the above panel is an advert for The Lords of Acid album, "Farstucker", which contains a song with one of the most pertinent and profound lyrics of all-time: "What freedom's yours when you're not allowed to say, "Fuck you. FUCK YOU! Motherfucking cocksucker. Fuck you, fuck you!" My runner-up favorite line after that is from Marilyn Manson: "I wasn't born with enough middle fingers!" Look, I probably have thousands of other favorite lines but those are the main two that come to mind at the moment. Do I have to remind y'all that I live in America?

The vessel which Ambrose brought down has been abducting people and cows so, yeah, okay, we're back to The X-Files. I guess the Ellis didn't really know where to insert his theory on how that dude's uru cane could become Mjǫllnir so he stuck it in here. He also threw in some phrases like "superstring theory" and "quantum mechanics" to make readers nod their head at how sciency it all is. The guy telling Elijah Snow all of this information is a bald man I've never seen before who looks suspiciously like Doctor Venture.

Being that it seems Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four have been cosplaying as aliens, Elijah Snow decides he's going to put Mjǫllnir up his butt and strike it with a sledgehammer so he can also be transported to wherever the fuck it goes when it's not a stick. Nobody says, "That's a bad idea, Elijah!" They just start shoving the hammer up his bunghole.

Ride the ass lightning, baby!

Elijah Snow transports to Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four's weapon storage locker. It turns out to be a world full of weapons and the skeletons of the native population. Snow assumes Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four murdered everybody on this world just so they could turn it into a fancy footlocker. But the native population could have already been dead when they found it, right? You shouldn't assume the worst, even if the people you're making the assumption about are the worst. Just remember, Snow: you're the guy who currently has a massive hammer up his ass.

Wasn't there a Biblical quote about this exact situation? "First cast out the hammer in your own ass; and then thou shalt see clearly to cast out the hammer out of thy brother's ass."

Later in Antarctica, Planetary has planned an ambush because if these bastards are off committing genocide across the universe simply to have a place to keep their condoms and sex toys, they probably need to be stopped. First into the trap: Kim Süskind. Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm (or Kim as I should refer to her because, well, three keystrokes versus thirty-four) does her own The X-Files riff by breaking into Planetary's secret base in Antarctica where all the aliens are held in stasis tubes.

Dammit. I really thought she had to be naked to go invisible.

Kim encounters Ambrose Chase whose reality distortion powers gives him the ability to not immediately die when encountering what I've been led to believe is a god. Leather quickly arrives to save her but Jakita ambushes him and continues to punch him directly in the brain every few seconds to keep him off-kilter. With Kim stuck in a reality distortion field and Leather getting a crash course in brain surgery, Snow prepares for the last two members of Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four: Dowling and Greene. We haven't seen much of anything about Greene yet. He's Alternate Dimension The Thing and he's probably been busy fucking blind chicks. I bet he gives them their sight back mid-stroke just to drive them insane by seeing the grotesque creature who seduced them.

But instead of stepping into the same trap that his teammates did, Dowling arrives in the mother of all X-files' ships and abducts Elijah Snow and Ambrose Chase and Jakita Wagner and the building and about a five mile diameter circle of snow and ice. That's when the scene takes place where Dowling erases Snow's memory and I say out loud, "I see what you did there!" Also, I've basically just been writing, "I get the reference," this entire time so if Warren Ellis wants to make a contemptuous noise at me, I fucking deserve it.

Snow delivers his last commands to Planetary just before his mind is erased.

What? No "I love you all"? I'm surprised they cared enough to find him again.

The Ranking!
So we've done the whole media res thing and now we've discovered how it all began so are we headed toward the climax now? I think this issue marks the exact halfway point in the story so, structurally, well fucking done, Ellis! I'm really getting excited to see the deaths of all the Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four members! Especially that jerk Leather! Maybe not Greene. He might be a good guy since he hasn't really been mentioned much. Maybe he's just so grotesque that he can't bring himself to leave his self-imposed solitary confinement. Also maybe he's a giant shit monster and everybody else hates him. I will say that Ellis has done a stellar job at brining all of his story threads together to make sense of the world. This is the kind of shit I love. I'm a massive fan of Cerebus Syndrome because while I may want writers to know where they're going rather than just winging it constantly, I especially love when they don't quite have a plan but discover the plan on the way and make everything work. I think the television show Lost did a good job with this in that they obviously went off the rails multiple times but developed a new track that could make sense of the past lore and situations. Neil Gaiman did a masterful job of this in The Sandman and Ellis is knocking it out of the park here. Cerebus did it so well that even Dave Sim couldn't stick the landing that he telegraphed to all the readers and which they knew was coming because Dave's plan fell apart when he discovered he was the only person in the world who was actually reading The Old Testament, The New Testament, and The Quran correctly so he found he could no longer end the series by parodying The Bible and instead decided to explicate it to everybody from his understanding of it. So boring! And sexist!

Planetary #13 (February 2001)

For the life of me, I can't figure out what this cover is parodying. Highlights for Children?!

Planetary #13 (Febraury 2001)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Bill O'Neil, and Laura DePuy Martin
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

I guess the modern day tagline for Highlights is "Fun with a purpose" which just sounds fucking exhausting. I decided a long time ago that life itself doesn't have any meaning so why should I saddle fun with some sense of it?! Ridiculous. You might as well try to convince me that sex has a purpose! I've read John Barth's "Night-Sea Journey" so you're going to have to be smarter than John Barth to convince me sex has any purpose other than perpetuating the curse of existential anxiety!

Speaking of things not having any purpose, I've been watching Curb Your Enthusiasm for the first time in my life the last few weeks and this is my summary of it: Seinfeld if Jerry and George were merged into some kind of Jeff Goldblumesque Fly freak while Poison Ivy's plant played Kramer and everybody was allowed to say fuck. I've finally gotten to the really great episodes which mean the episodes where Cheryl has left him because thank fucking Christ I don't have to think about how she sucks that maniac Kennedy's dick every time I see her onscreen. I think my favorite character is Jeff Green's wife Susie played by Susie Essman. Sometimes I just put her screaming at Larry on loop and I fall asleep to its beautiful music. I kind of hope the series ends with her murdering him, stuffing his corpse in a golf bag, and getting away with it because everybody is just relieved that Larry's no longer around complaining about complete bullshit every two minutes.

Was that a positive review of the series because I'm really enjoying it?

This issue begins in 1919 when Elijah Snow was still a teenager and dumb enough to admit to shit even I wouldn't admit to on this blog.

Do we ever learn any more about Uncle Caleb? Did he get a spin-off series?

The dumb thing Elijah's currently doing is exploring Baron von Frankenstein's castle somewhere in Germany. I guess it's dumb because Frankenstein¹ was super horny after he was created and now it's been one hundred years so he's probably super duper horny and wouldn't mind a little prison wife anal at this point? Maybe the actual dumb thing was believing that the castle actually existed after the guy who told him about it also told him he'd been to Mars. If some guy told me one of those things, I might be, "Hmm, that's interesting. You seem like a believable fellow!" But if they told me both of those things, I'd be all, "You cuckoo, Homie."

Although now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever said, "You seem like a believable fellow," to anybody ever in my entire life. Y'all are fucking liars, man! Not that I don't enjoy liars but you've got to be an entertaining liar for me to like you. You've got to be clever. You need to make me smile and laugh. You can't just be all, "Immigrants are massing at the borders and they're going to eat your dick!" My needle isn't moved by irrational fear and anger. Although now that I think about it, if Fox News was saying immigrants were out there eating people's dicks, maybe I'd watch it sometime? That sounds hilarious!

So ever since, um, four whole years ago?

Elijah Snow has some kind of poor American kid accent in this issue because he's yet to become the sophisticated and mysterious leader of a secret organization that travels the world and needs to not sound like he's from the worst, most arrogant country in the world. He uses the word "ain't" and exhibits a particular laziness in pronunciation. But Snow isn't just an American doing overseas paranormal tourism at Frankenstein's castle; he's looking for "the Map". That's how he thinks of it, capitalized and everything²!

While searching the premises, Elijah steps on a plate that triggers a trap. A bunch of Frankenstein eggs fall from the wall, crack open, and expel several living Frankensteins. I'm assuming they're baby Frankensteins even if they're full grown when they hatch because that's how it works when you make a creature from adult corpses. You can't make a creature from a baby corpse and then expect it to grow into an adult! You have to make the adult body and then bring it to life and then be repulsed by it so that you abandon it to figure out language and philosophy and sexual desire and murder all on its own. Or you just leave it in a glass egg so that it imprints on the first sucker who comes along and sets off your trap. Now Elijah Snow is going to have four or five Frankensteins following him around like baby ducklings, I imagine.

"Ma ma! Ma ma! Why must you abandon us in our greatest time of need?! You have given us life and now you flee from our appearance?! It is most unjust!"

Warren Ellis must have been pretty busy with his Transmetropolitan script this month because he wrote into this script: "Elijah Snow battles five newly-hatched lizard Frankenstein's for five pages. I guess he can say, "Oh shit," or something in there somewhere. Otherwise, go to town. But don't do anything fucking clever, John, like making the lizard Frankenstein's look like my Internet girlfriends, yeah?" I can't say for sure but I think John Cassaday did not base the lizard Frankenstein's on the women Warren Ellis was, um, dating.

Elijah Snow finds "the Conspiracy's" holographic secret map of the world. One of the prominent "secret places" is Big Ben which was designed by the guy who went mad and whose biographer had a quote on the John Constantine cover of this series. That's probably important or something. It looks like some kind of alien language or musical notation is inscribed at the top of Big Ben on the secret map. Maybe it's Aramaic or Hebrew. Or it's just the Neo-Gothic spikes and frills and negative spaces as seen through a hologram that makes it look like something it's not.

The next year, Elijah Snow finds himself in England on Baker Street looking up at Big Ben which subsequently leads to his first encounter with Sherlock Holmes. I guess the map helped him find him? Maybe this story isn't about coherence but just a smattering of Elijah Snow's adventures before he began Planetary.

The Conspiracy is Ellis's version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. And while Elijah's previous mentions of meeting Sherlock Holmes may have led readers to believe that he sought him out to train with him, what Snow was actually up to was putting an end to the League. The League was 19th Century bullshit! He's here to create a 20th Century team that doesn't do the work of imperialist bastards! He's an American which means he's going to do it right! And independently! And for profit! And absolutely no unionizing!

I think what Ellis is saying is that Planetary is 21st Century minded and Alan Moore's comic is old timey 20th Century pulp junk.³

After Snow kicks the frozen dick off of Dracula, Holmes describes how their Conspiracy took a darker turn. He explains how they "were conspiring to make a better world" but then goes on to insist that to make the world better, it needed to embrace "eugenics, re-education, and a controlled economy." Aren't those all things which Alan Moore would deride? Why would his League be into that stuff?!

Sorry, I made the mistake of forgetting that Warren Ellis was writing his version of the League and not Alan Moore's. Not that Moore's League was all sunshine and happy puppies. But at least it seemed to be led, as best it could, toward light by Mina Murray. I think that's why Snow mentions that he met a lady named Van Helsing who would have also loved to kick the dick off of Dracula.

Anyway, Holmes seems thankful that Snow has ended the association of fictional characters. He agrees to teach Elijah all of the secrets he knows. Snow spends five years training with him before Holmes finally dies of old age and opiate addiction. After that, Elijah returns to exploring the secrets of the world.

The Ranking!
When Snow mentions the Conspiracy's roster, he mentions "Poor old Carnacki". He says this as he's leafing through The Sigsand Manuscript which is from the stories of occult detective Carnacki. The question I have — which maybe will be answered but, I mean, probably not because it doesn't really matter — why poor? What happened to him?! Did he try to expose a ghost in some haunting of a mansion whose ownership was disputed in the courts only to discover that the ghost was really just an old white man with a fully loaded shotgun?! That's my guess anyway.

I may have read this one a bit too quickly because my sense of pacing was thrown off by the battle with the Frankensteins. Plus my cat threw up in the middle of it and I had to go clean up and then sit with her for awhile to make sure she was feeling okay. Now I'm not even sure I should publish this post?! I should probably rewrite it. Ha ha! That was a joke! What is a "rewrite"?!




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¹ Yeah, I called the monster Frankenstein. What are you going to do about it, pedant?!
² Okay, fine, the capitalization is pretty much everything. But he also uses the article "the" instead of "a" so, you know, more than just the capitalization!
³ In other words, Moore's an old man and Ellis is the young pup with a new way perspective on the world. Move out of the way, old man!