Hitman #3 (July 1996)

You know this isn't a Batman comic because Batman doesn't kick the living shit out of The Mawzir.

Hitman #3 (July 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I could be wrong about Batman kicking The Mawzir's ass because I'm judging a comic book by its cover and even though the phrase "You shouldn't judge a book by its cover" shouldn't be taken too literally, in the case of comic books, it absolutely should be. Because the biggest liar of all liars in the entire world is Donald Trump. But after that, it's comic book covers. They're always all, "In this issue, we're going to show you Supergirl's butthole!" And then after finally finish the comic, boner flagging completely, you realize Supergirl never even took off her underwear! What I'm saying, aside from "I want to see Supergirl's butthole," is that Batman getting his ass kicked while Hitman tries to save him might not actually be something that happens in this story. What probably happens is Hitman is about to get his ass kicked and Batman swings in and easily saves him using his bat brains and his fit bat body and his bat toys. Not because Garth Ennis wants to write that story (he absolutely does not) but because DC editorial sometimes screams things in memos like, "REMEMBER: Batman saves the day. Batman saves all the days. Batman is the only reason we make any fucking money at all so all of you fucking stupid as shit writers who think they're so Goddamned clever had better fucking respect Batman! He kicks Lobo's ass. He saves Superman's ass while showing he could also kill Superman. He fucks any woman he wants to fuck (but he doesn't give oral. Never show him giving oral! That's a bitch ass Nightwing move, dude!). I'm talking to all of you! Especially you, Ennis, and your hard on for making DC heroes look like jerks! You got it?!" And then Ennis makes super heroes look like fucking jerks and DC is all, "We can't have you writing this shit here! Go away and take your 'The Guy' or whatever that dumb shit is somewhere else! You gotta make the super heroes the stars, you dumb fuck!" And then Ennis makes more money than all the Batman comics put together. I imagine! I don't know anybody's finances and don't actually care. All I care about (like everybody else) is the stuff I make up in my own head and then believe forever.

If you want to know what I thought of this comic book, you'll have to skip ahead because I've got an aside to aside. I watched The Sheep Detectives last night and one of the themes of that movie is that we must remember to remember no matter how painful it is to remember because remembering is important to love, life, and civilization. And sure, I agree with that. Also I agree that you shouldn't be mean to people just because they were born at certain times of the year which, I imagine, you're supposed to extrapolate to not hating people who were born in different places on the planet as well but I can't be too sure about that because maybe the writer and director just wanted people to love the weak-ass bitch winter sheep and feel sorry for him until we cried ourselves to sleep thinking, "I'm that winter sheep! That was me and my life!" And if you have to imagine the winter sheep as people way worse off than you who have faced far more bigotry and racism than the "I'm a smol weird outsider!' feelings that welled up in your being while watching it, it might ruin the whole vibe, you know? Anyway, I was talking about the importance of memory! But they really throw out the importance of the sheep's ability to forget whatever they want! Who wouldn't want that fucking ability, you know?! Sure, people would abuse it and forget loads of shit that would make their life better, overall, if they kept remembering it. Like that time I turned into a weeping weep machine who'd lost all control over their body and lay like a quivering mass of pink jelly on the floor, tears turning my carpet into a swampy morass, after watching Pig. You'd think I'd choose to forget that heartache which wasn't truly heartache for the movie but heartache for my long gone beloved cat, Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor. My best beautiful boy ever! And while I understand why some people would choose to forget things that continually cause such pain and heartache (I mean, I can probably never watch Guardians of the Galaxy again because Judas was also my long-legged little raccoon boy and that scene at the end where Rocket is so sad and his friends are there to cheer him up just fucking destroyed me because I went to the theater to see it the week after Judas died and I barely made it out of the theater before completely breaking down and losing all of my shit), some things in your life would absolutely make it better if you could just choose to forget it. Although aren't we already basically there as a species since everybody runs around with their memory outsourced to the Internet? Instead of choosing to forget anything, people simply choose not to ever learn anything at all so they can't remember it.

I didn't watch for a post-credit sequence but I suspect it was all the sheep lining up to suck Moldy's dick (or whatever Chris O'Dowd's sheep's name was) when they realized how much pain and suffering and heartbreak that poor fucking thing had been living with for all those years. Also, I still can't believe the maid did it.

This issue begins with Tommy learning that he'd just been scammed out of one million dollars.

The Mawzir is both the souls of all the Nazis hanged at Nuremberg and also the coolest motherfuckingly designed character in the history of DC Comics.

My belief is that McCrea gave The Mawzir a bunch of stumpy little guns as a "the Nazis all had small dicks" joke. And while that may or may not be true, what is true is that the guns still look fucking cool. If Rob Liefeld had drawn them, I might not think so but that's because Rob Liefeld has never shown me that he can actually draw a realistic gun so I have to assume those small, stubby guns were his attempt at drawing an actual pistol. McCrea has shown that he knows his way around a realistic gun so if he's drawing a cartoon-looking gun on a cartoon-looking demon, he's doing it on purpose. And I love some good on-purpose style in my comic book art. Give me whatever fucking horrible ass art you want but if I see the purpose of the style inherent in it, I won't be able to contain the stubby little gun in my pants. I mean the Ace of Winchester in my pants!

Once The Mawzir makes himself known, a massive portal from Hell opens above Arkham which makes Batman think, "Something's going on inside! I'd better check it out!" Officer Teigel, not being as astute as Batman, doesn't notice the Hell portal. But she does notice Batman running inside and thinks, "Batman's going inside! I'd better check it out!" The rest of the Gotham cops pull an Uvalde and are all, "It's too dangerous to go in there! We're just going to stand out here and scroll on our phones with the Punisher logo on the home screen."

You know what? I should apologize to the Gotham cops for comparing them to Uvalde cops. The Gotham Police refuse to go into Arkham because they don't want to risk their lives to save The Joker. The Uvalde cops refused to risk their lives to save children. Fucking hell, man. They should have to register on the "Piece of Shit Coward" Registry and inform their neighbors whenever they move into a new neighborhood. Make them wear their shame like a giant scarlet "A" (for Asshole, I assume).

The Arkanonne and their one, shared, tiny duck dick appear to make Tommy an offer.

Once again, I'm going to assume that Ennis and McCrea are making a dick joke here: people who believe that guns can solve all problems have tiny and/or no dicks. I know sometimes a gun is just a gun but most of the time a gun is evidence of a big frightened train tunnel. Also remember that a train tunnel isn't always a train tunnel, if you see what I'm saying!

The Lords of the Gun give the history of The Mawzir and it isn't that they were the Nazis hung at Nuremberg although I bet they were supposed to be. I bet DC Editorial was all, "Look, guys, the Swastika is bad enough. Can this super cool awesome new character not be all the worst Nazis in history as well?" So instead, they're just a group of five Nazis who murdered loads and loads of Soviet children so that the rest of the families would fall in line. Ultimately they were hanged by the Soviets which is probably Ennis and McCrea's way of being all, "See? They were hanged. Like the Nazis at Nuremberg. So, you know, just fucking make the connection DC wouldn't let us put right out on front street!"

At the end of last issue, it looked like Tommy got shot at least once in the chest. But it looks like the three shots he took were mostly just grazes to his arms because once the pain stops, he shoots The Mawzir in the face, tosses a grenade, and runs his ass off. Right into Tiegel and Batman. Batman takes a hell bullet to the shoulder as he protects Tiegel which is fine because we'll probably learn it was barely even a graze. Stupid comic book injuries are never as bad as they want you to think when they happen.

Uh oh! I think Batman just pissed himself again!

You might have noticed the subtle foreshadowing in the above panel. The "thunk thunk thunk" while highlighting Tiegel's ass is foreshadowing Tommy tapping it.

Tommy's mortally wounded by The Mawzir but before he dies, he reads its mind to discover how to stop it. He learns that The Mawzir can be killed by one of its own guns and he lets Tiegel and Batman know. They manage to knock one of its guns to Tommy who blows off a bunch of its limbs. It yields to him and the Lords of the Gun, pissed because they can't interfere, skedaddle back to Hell. The Mawzir heals Tommy's wounds with a magic spell from Hell (so I'm sure Tommy'll be okay and those wounds won't open back up later at The Mawzir's whim, right?) before he fucks off back to Hell (after Tommy forces him to say "The Arkanonne suck", of course). And then all that's left is for Tommy to convince Tiegel and Batman not to toss him in jail for, um, well, hmm. I can't think of what charge they'd throw at him. Breaking into Arkham, I guess? Oh wait! He did kidnap a couple of cops and lock them in the trunk of the squad car. Oof. That could put him away forever if they wanted to pursue it!

A lot of great shit goes down in this first story but this might be the main point: give a reason to show why Batman mostly stays off Tommy's back.

Tommy definitely read Batman's mind, right? We have to assume that from this point on, Tommy knows Batman is Bruce Wayne. And if Tommy can learn it this easily, I imagine thousands of people know Batman's secret and they all just pretend that they don't while Batman pretends that nobody knows except the literally dozens of people he's told. I think it's a bit like the concept of saving face in Japan. Everybody's a little bit embarrassed to watch Batman act as if nobody knows his secret identity and Batman has convinced himself that nobody knows and everybody just sort of whistles nonchalantly around the subject and tries to just talk about The Joker and less awkward shit. Or Bruce Wayne just has Doctor Fate on retainer and Doctor Fate has a spell going constantly that alerts him to somebody discovering Batman is Bruce Wayne so he can erase that person's memory immediately. Or make them disappear. Whichever's easier.

The Ranking!
Here's what we're left with after the first story arc: Tommy's dating Wendy, The Joker wants to kill Tommy, The Lords of the Gun want to kill Tommy (using a new and improved Mawzir), Batman wants to kill Tommy (but he'll settle for leaving him for the cops because Batman is a fucking coward), Tiegel wants to kill Tommy (or fuck him), and Tommy just wants to be left alone to kill killers. Oh, also the Lords of the Gun gave him a prophecy that super heroes will hate him and try to stop him eventually. And that'll all come to pass as every hero Ennis is interested in stops by to learn that Tommy's actually kind of a good guy. Or they learn they can't arrest him because of a technicality like he's better at fighting than they are or he's got blackmail material on them (like honeymoon pictures of them with Bueno Excellente (okay, fine, that's Lobo and not a hero. But maybe he does that to Kyle Rayner too?). Eventually he has a nice chat with Superman which leaves everybody with the impression that if Superman sees him as a good guy, we can just forget all the lawbreaking and murder and simply let him do his thing without any squidgy ethical questions. Let's just have fun as he blows people's brains out, you know? Not that I needed Superman's approval to enjoy that! But other people with tighter buttholes and/or people in the fictional landscape where Hitman exists sort of needed it!

Hitman #2 (June 1996)

McCrea's Joker looks like the Mawzir wearing clown make-up.

Hitman #2 (June 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

At the end of the last issue, Tommy was nabbed by the Gotham Police for defending himself against Batman. Tommy didn't do shit but the Gotham Police, being stupid (you can tell they're stupid because they're police), figured if Batman was fighting him, he must be the bad guy. But Tommy was just saying goodnight to his date when Batman was all, "I heard via gossip from criminals and torture, both of which is notoriously unreliable, that you're going to assassinate The Joker." And even if Tommy did pick up that contract, you can't arrest a guy for not assassinating The Joker. Which he hasn't done yet. Or even attempted to do. Also if you're not a cop and you just run around at night pretending to be a bat, you aren't allowed to arrest people. Or hold them against their will. So when Batman is all, "I am the law!", and Tommy is all, "I'm standing my ground!", you can't seriously blame Tommy for shooting Batman in his bulletproof chest. You also can't prove that Tommy knew Batman's chest was bulletproof but at this point, when Tommy's life feels threatened (and since that's Batman's whole thing, making criminals afraid, you can't argue that Tommy didn't feel his life was threatened!), he kind of has the right to shoot Batman in his stupid face anyway. I guess that would still lead to his arrest if we're supposed to let justice take its course, so I guess I should take back the thing about the police being stupid. But I'm only taking it back for fictional Gotham police! Real police are still stupid. Also, Batman assaults Tommy when Tommy vomits on Batman's shoes and, well, the cops don't fucking arrest Batman! Some people can just legally get away with murder! Literally!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say about the end of the last issue, is that justice was both served and not served in various ways depending on if you're a cool person who gets loads of sex or you're a fascist cop-loving incel piece of shit.

Officer Tiegel shows up for, I think, the first time (at least in this series. For all I fucking know, she could already be an established character in Batman's world) when Batman pleads with her to not arrest Tommy. He fucking begs her! Like a chump!

This is one of the most confusing panel layouts I've seen in quite awhile. I think they're supposed to be read in the order I drew the arrows.

Batman prostrates and embarrasses himself in front of Tiegel for no reason at all because Tommy manages to escape from the cops on his own. He uses his telepathy to learn that one cop was fucking the other cop's wife and set them against each other. Surprisingly, the cuckolded cop doesn't blow his partner's face off with his pistol. Sometimes comic books can be so unbelievable. Once the cop knocks out his partner, he goes for Tommy which allows Tommy to escape the squad car and make a run for it. Now Batman's going to owe Tiegel a favor even though she didn't do anything for him! Unless Batman, who wrote the book on technicalities (most of them called, "I Didn't Kill That Henchman I Put in the Hospital Since He Died On the Doctor's Watch and Other Stories of People Dying By Guys Other Than Batman"), will see this as a reason to not owe Tiegel a favor. I'm sure Batman will learn pretty quickly that Tommy can handle himself.

Meanwhile, The Mawzir has arrived in Gotham and is hunting Tommy.

This takes place on page 107 of Hitman #2. What a long comic!

If you're wondering why The Mawzir has a Swastika on his forehead, it's because he was one of the Nazis hanged at the Nuremberg trial. I'm not sure if they ever delve into exactly which one he was but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe he's a composite of several of them which is why he has so many arms and dicks.

I'm guessing about the dicks but I can't believe that's the satisfied face of a man with just one dick.

Even with the threat of Batman trying to stop him, Tommy decides to go through with his hit on The Joker. Why not? It's the righteous thing to do! Oh, sure, Gandalf would be all, "Blah blah blah can't bring people back to life who didn't deserve to die blah blah blah so you shouldn't do the opposite blah blah blah now get to suckin', Frodo blah blah blah." But I'm all, "You know the fucker's going to kill again and anybody who would take the sin upon themselves of throwing the first stone to stone his motherfuckin' ass is a fuckin' hero no matter what Gandalf and Jesus say!" Jesus basically says everybody deserves a chance to redeem their past actions. But he doesn't explicitly say everybody deserves four thousand chances to redeem their past actions! I bet even Jesus would be all, "Okay, okay," as he takes a hit from his long pipe, "enough already. I give you my blessing to shank that bitch."

Word spreads on the street that Tommy's going into Arkham to put a fucking cap in The Joker's ass so everybody starts throwing jobs at him to murder psychos in Arkham. He's earning a million for The Joker but if he's going to be in the place, why not spread a few bullets around, you know?

Even with all of Gotham knowing Tommy's gonna be assaulting Arkham, he still manages to get inside thanks to his x-ray vision and his telepathy. Even Batman's left holding his dick out in a tree on the perimeter as Tommy strolls through Arkham making a few bucks.

Normally I'd be against this kind of casual murder but I've been pushed to my limits by the real assholes of the world and now I just picture Tommy doing this in the offices of Fox News and I don't even blink an ethical eye.

Tommy doesn't murder any notable characters but, just to make things exciting, he does knee-cap the Mad Hatter in response to Mad Hatter not paying a debt. That seems fair! I know a few powerful guys who could use a good knee-capping for not paying their debts but I can't say who because I think it's against the law to speculate about somebody knee-capping the U.S. president.

Tommy considers murdering all of Batman's rogues gallery but that would really put a damper on Batman's sales so he just heads right up to The Joker. He shoots the Joker in the head only to watch as The Joker transform into The Mawzir. So that cover actually was kind of a spoiler!

Fucking bad-ass character design. Except for the clown hair.

I don't know what all the Nazis hung at Nuremberg looked like because I ain't a fucking weird little psycho bitch like Todd Bowden from Apt Pupil (and everybody who pays for a Twitter subscription as well, I'm assuming) who has spent any time at all giving a shit about the monsters hanged at the trial but I suspect a number of them were probably balding with that George Costanza look. So it's probably a really specific part of the character design.

The Mawzir blows Tommy away with all of his guns but I guess he doesn't mortally wound him because I just checked this issue and it's definitely #2 and not #60.

The Ranking!
This is only the second issue of this series about a stupid fucking character from Bloodlines which introduced a mass of throw-away characters and it's already become legend just by introducing a naked Nazi demon with ten arms who can't be killed and has a Swastika cut into his forehead while also wearing the greatest cape worn since every single one of Tolkien's characters. Plus Batman's been thrown up on and made to beg and failed to stop Tommy sneaking into Arkham and nobody ever fucking complains about it. I mean, Kevin Smith makes Batman tell a story about how he slightly peed his pants one time because of being too close to an explosion and nobody ever stops talking about that. Which shows why Garth Ennis is such a great comic book writer. Who else could write superhero comic books while making the super heroes look like fucking jokes and yet still amassing tons and tons of super hero loving fans?! He's a fucking God!

Hitman #1 (April 1996)

Need to make sure readers pick up another fucking Bloodlines character #1? Put Batman on the cover!

Hitman #1 (April 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I was not one of those readers who picked this up because Batman was on the cover. I also did not pick this up because Garth Ennis's name was on the cover. You might be thinking, by the way I just phrased those two sentences, that I picked this issue up for another reason. But, alas, I simply did not pick up this issue. Why didn't I? We'll never know unless time travel is invented and we can go back to my 24 year old self and ask why he wasn't picking up this comic book. He'd probably answer, "Shut up! I'm watching Sailor Moon! And I'm totally not crying!" I can speculate. I definitely didn't have a love of Garth Ennis at the time and probably even despised him a bit since he took over The Demon after Alan Grant left. And I loved Alan Grant on The Demon. I also adored Val Semeiks and John McCrea's Etrigan is a fucking mess compared to Semeiks adorably animation-style Etrigan. That's not an insult to McCrea's Etrigan which I eventually grew to love. But you have to admit it's a fucking 180 degree spin on the demon's looks. From smooth and handsome and precise to jaggedy and sketchy and hideous. So I probably resented Ennis and McCrea although I don't remember having any feelings at all for them, really. It's possible I just didn't realize this comic book was on the racks being that I was busy with my last semester of college.

Judging by the Brian's Books stickers on the bag of a few issues (that was my local comic book store for about a decade), I didn't begin picking this up the week it came out until Issue #8. Issues #5 and #7 both have a $2.25 sticker on the bag which is the same as the cover price. That means I picked them up in a back issue box. But Issue #8 does not have a sticker and Issue #9 begins the "Local Heroes" story arc which I remember reading from month to month. And apparently, I didn't own Issue #4 until just last week. Have I never read it?! That'll be a treat then! Issues #1 through #3 I'll be reading out of the Hitman trade paperback from 1997. I don't normally like to do blog posts on issues I don't actually own but I started a new trend with Planetary and, well, I guess we'll be doing this. Does that mean I'll be doing blog posts on Astro City and The Sandman, two series I read only in trades while on a cross-country road trip? Probably not. But I will have to read some Preacher out of the trades because, as I noted, I was not really invested in Garth Ennis in 1996 so I missed his Vertigo series beginning in 1995. I do remember being at a comic book convention sometimes in '96 where I saw Preacher #1 and subsequent issues on a makeshift wall behind a dealer at the San Jose Red Lion and thought, "What the fuck is that? It looks awesome!" But the prices on #1 was already about $20 which was way out of my league. But the memory remained lodged in my brain and I eventually began picking it up, although I don't remember at what issue.

This issue begins with McCrea and Ennis's resume to Marvel for any job opening on a Punisher title.

The blurb on the back of the 1997 Hitman trade paperback reads: "No fancy costume. No magic tricks. Just plenty of ammo, a pack of cigs, and a pitcher of beer." So that, again, is just Garth Ennis's comic book resume for every fucking title he'll ever do ever again, isn't it? He's all, "You know, I love comic books. But what if super heroes were just like me boys, you know? Like me and my pals fuckin' about in the pub talking shite, gettin' pissed, and smokin' a never ending chain of fags, right? But instead of talking comic books and what's wrong wif 'em, these guys are talkin' supes and how to fuckin' off 'em? Pretty fuckin' cool, innit?" Do Irish people say "innit"? I think that's some working class London or lower class Essex shit, right? Is "lower class" and "Essex" redundant? I don't know! I'm American!

By page three, after killing several of Moe Dubelz' men, Tommy admits that he enjoys his telepathy and his x-ray vision. I know both eventually rarely get mentioned in the regular strip but I don't exactly remember why. Mostly, I think Ennis didn't give a shit about Tommy's powers and just wanted to write a story about this Hitman living in Gotham with his pals down at Noonan's. He probably plays it up early because DC was all, "Remember! This guy is a new superhero from our mega-hit blockbuster summer crossover! You have to remind readers how cool his powers are!" So Ennis begins with Tommy going, "I like my X-ray vision but I love my telepathy! Big boner for that! Huge boner!" Later, Tommy's powers either become so debilitating that every time he uses them he winds up with a killer migraine or they actually start killing him and he's forced to stop using them. Whatever the case, I'm not getting used to his powers being the reason he survives as a hitman who's wanted dead by several crime bosses in Gotham. The reason he's alive is because of his skill with a gun, his wits, and his close knit ties to the guys in his neighborhood.

By page four, we get to Garth Ennis's true love: some bloke with a gun murdering the fuck out of a bunch of stupid, gaudy super hero clichés.

It's possible all of Garth Ennis's stories are just metaphors for the Irish fighting back against the British Empire.

The members of Shadow-force are Panzer in the back and, from left to right, Twilight, Darkstorm, Mink, Cockatoo, and Ironbolt. I think they've got a bit of a Nazi theme happening although Mink is just a parody of Wolverine and Cockatoo is probably a cum guzzling slut joke that I totally didn't find funny this time around but I inherently understood it because I've been watching the final season of The Boys. Which obviously ties in to this comic book since William Butcher is just Tommy Monaghan not owned by DC Comics and who doesn't value the idea of friendship.

We never even got to see Cockatoo's super cum-guzzle power.

I'm not sure how the pages were arranged in the original comic book (due to adverts and such) but I like to think that the above panel lie just under the previous panel showing the introduction of Shadow-Force. So you'd see them posing together and turn the page to have that panel replaced exactly with the panel of them all dead. This is why trades will always be inferior to a well-plotted comic where the writer, artist, and editor made sure that the pages were arranged exactly as planned, understanding how many adverts there would be and where they were placed. The trade doesn't line these pages up the way I'm fairly certain they would have been lined up in the original. Of course, I could be wrong. The good thing about being wrong about this is that it doesn't matter. Man, the kind of shit I've been wrong about in my life would kick the living daylights out of this mistake!

After Tommy kills a bunch of supes with two guns and twenty bullets, he heads over to Noonan's so we can meet most of the cast of the series. Nat the Hat isn't there for some reason and, of course, BAYTOR! won't be around for awhile.

Being that Ringo is Tommy's "fremeses", my supposition is that Tommy is a stand-in for Doc Holliday.

I don't know if Pat's theory of Reservoir Dogs is better than Hacken's theory (I mean, obviously it's more well-thought out) because while I've seen Reservoir Dogs, it didn't make much of an impression on me. Sometimes I watch a movie or I read a book and the entire exercise is like simply ticking a box. I go through the motions but no thought has been put in and nothing emotional registered while going through the motions. What that mostly means is that, in technical terms, I haven't really seen it. Other than knowing some trivia about it, like some scenes and shit. But that doesn't count. Just knowing about something (like reading a plot summary or extrapolating what something's about by seeing a trailer or reading a synopsis) isn't the same thing as experiencing a thing. And sometimes my mind is just in a weird place so that I view or read something but I don't truly experience it. It's why I can't stand the way people think getting a summary of something from Grok or ChatGPT, or reading about and memorizing media tropes from a fucking website, is the same thing as experiencing the thing itself. It's the interaction between self and the art that makes the art work. It's the connection. Without your half, the art isn't doing anything. It's also why AI "art" isn't art. In that situation, the interaction is between you and nothing. Nothing exists behind that art. So there's nothing for the self to interact with. Except, you know, itself. So it's simply masturbation. And while I won't deny there's pleasure in masturbation, it's not really moving any bit of you from Point A to Point Any-Fucking-Where at all.

Anyway, the cast! Sean Noonan owns a runs Noonan's Bar, one day to be a cherished location in way more places than this comic book. He was a hitman in the '50s. Mostly out of the business now but still a tough bastard who kills when he needs. Pat Noonan, Sean's nephew, isn't really a hitman. He's a hitman hag. One of Tommy's best friends. Like a little brother to him. Ringo is the deadliest hitman in Gotham next to Tommy. They figure they're pretty much even on the killing scale and neither one cares to wind up in a situation where they found out who's better. Hacken's a big goof and the butt of every joke in the bar. A veteran who's kind of dumb and they treat him like it. Will soon lose his hand to a killer penguin. And them's the main players other than Nat the Hat. I don't remember when Nat breezes on in though. I just thought he was there from the absolute beginning. Maybe he'll be the reason to get this first plot rolling as he'll be in some kind of deep shit.

Or the deep shit is just gonna come straight from the deepest shit manufacturer of deep shit anywhere: Hell.

How could I forget about the floating '20s Chicago tommy-gun drive-by victims?

These riddled corpses want Tommy to do their bidding on Earth. But they, being psychoanalysts as well as demon princes, realize that Tommy's sense of morality will be a hindrance to their plans. Tommy's still got a bit of that old Catholic schoolboy in him. Or, as I'd like to think, maybe he's just a decent bloke who wants to do right by the world and the good people in it. He despises injustice. He hates authority out of control. He cannot abide those who would make the world a worse place for the less powerful. And these guys don't want a person with stupid ethics like those! So they're going to send the coolest fucking demon in Hell after Tommy to break him and turn him toward evil: the Mawzir!

Did I say cool? I meant terrible! Truly awful! Nazi scum! So cool! I mean terrible!

Tommy meets the romantic interest of the series, Wendy Something-or-other, and because he's so respectful, he only uses his x-ray vision a little bit to see her underwear and not the whole enchilada (meaning her pussy. I think the tits would be hush puppies?). He sets up a date but first he has to meet with a guy offering a million dollars for a job to assassinate The Joker. I bet Alfred's putting up the money!

Batman catches wind of the hit and instead of sitting back and doing nothing because he wouldn't be responsible for The Joker's death if Tommy whacked him, Batman decides to find Tommy and stop him. No wonder Jason Todd was so pissed when he came back to life! Not only did Batman not go after The Joker for revenge, he was busy trying to make sure The Joker lived a long and happy life.

I love Tommy!

Batman and Tommy tussle a little bit before the cops arrive, Batman fades into the shadows, and Tommy shows his first real flaw: he doesn't shoot cops. Boo! No wonder Garth moved on to write The Punisher!

The Ranking!
Ha ha! I'm just kidding about the not shooting cops being a flaw thing! Who would want to hurt a cop?! Only anybody who has ever had to deal with one of the arrogant, hypocritical bastards, I suppose! Other than the not ending in a cop bloodbath, this was a great first issue! We got to know Tommy, an entire cast of characters, a lovely lady Tommy will wind up dating (hopefully with less of him reading her mind), and Batman was in it! And while Tommy didn't defeat Batman, he did barf on his boots so that's kind of a win? Plus Tommy's being arrested in Gotham so he might wind up in a cell next to the guy he's going to kill! It's basically a flip of the coin if somebody winds up in Arkham or Blackgate. I'm excited to read 59 more of these plus an annual or two! I mean, re-read, of course!

The Batman Chronicles #4 (Spring 1996)

I didn't even know a series called The Batman Chronicles existed.

The Batman Chronicles #4 (Spring 1996)
"Hitman"
Story By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Glen Murakami, and Ken Lopez
Cover by Jim Balent and Kelley Jones
Edited by Jordan Gorfinkel and Darren Vincenzo

One-third of this comic book was presented in the 1997 Hitman trade paperback. I went to my local comic book store yesterday when I realized I didn't have Hitman #4 and decided to pick this up as well (I also came home with Planetary Loves Batman: Night on Earth and the 2023 Outsiders #1). So that's actually my scan of the cover! Plus I'll get to read the Robin and the Huntress stories as well! Oh joy.

Even if this art wasn't so obviously McCrea, if you asked me who wrote the story that begins like this, 100% I'd say Ennis.

I didn't follow the Contagion story arc back in '96 or the subsequent Cataclysm and No Man's Land. But seeing that Batman's face isn't clean shaven under the mask, I'd have to assume that he's really been going through it lately. That's "Batman's in a big arc" face. Also the gun in his mouth (presumably not held by his own hand because, fucking hell, that's a whole different story). If Batman winds up with some thug's gun in his mouth [I'm using "thug" in the comic book context that we've all grown used to from reading comic books for years and not in the Conservative replacement for the N-word usage] then you know Batman's fucking tired, man. He's at the end of his rope. He's ready to fucking drop. Or, I don't know, he learned a knew League of Assassins move? The Gun Chomp?

The guy holding the gun was after Tommy Monaghan but somehow he wound up with Batman at the end of his barrel. He makes the stereotypical bad guy mistake and, instead of quickly pulling the trigger when he has the chance (had the chance. The fact he didn't pull it as soon as Batman found it in his mouth means Batman regained the upper hand), he decides to describe to Batman how many times he's going to skullfuck his head before cashing it in to the highest paying mob boss.

For those wondering how Batman wound up with a gun in his mouth, the narrative rewinds to six minutes earlier when we meet the Eraserhead baby as an adult.

In 1996, you couldn't tell these were bad guys just because they used the R-slur.

Tommy's hunting the retaaarrghh but not out of the goodness of his own heart; he's just doing his job. I don't know why somebody would pay to have the Eraserhead baby killed. Seems cruel especially since it died at the end of the movie. I think. Or did it grow more powerful like Obi Wan? Was it even a baby? What the fuck did I watch all those years ago between Meet the Feebles and Kids?!

Another dude with a gun (the one in Batman's mouth six minutes later) spies Tommy and decides to blow his head off for a cash prize. Does everybody in Gotham walk around with a dollar amount over their head like the health bars of players in an MMO? Batman spies the gun wielding criminals and sighs loud enough for Alfred, back at Wayne Manor, to roll his eyes.

Do I understand visual comic book cues or what?

According to that bitch-ass sell-out-for-hot-takes punk Malcolm Gladwell, I guess I'm an expert at reading comic books. No way I haven't spent 10,000 hours reading comics. Oh God. OH GOD. WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH THIS SINGULAR, FINITE TIME ON THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET?!

This is Tommy's first appearance outside of The Demon and Bloodlines/Bloodbath (I think) so he's still casually using his x-ray vision and telepathy. I seem to remember he basically goes months without using his powers in any noticeable way in his regular series because they hurt him to use and, well, the comic isn't about his powers. It's about his ethics and his struggles and his loyalty to his friends and neighborhood and how, even as an assassin, he can garner Superman's respect. But probably not Batman's. Nobody has Batman's respect except Nightwing, Alfred, and Batcow.

Batman tries to sneak up on Hitman and his new friend but Tommy hears somebody thinking about Catwoman's tits and then sees Batman approaching from behind a wall. I'd suggest they all suddenly find themselves in a Mexican Stand-off but I don't think you can have a Mexican Stand-off when Batman's involved. Because Batman is always in control.

We'll get to how Batman winds up with a gun in his mouth but first a word from our sponsors:

How am I just now, 30 years later, learning about a New Gods series by Rachel Pollack?!

Tommy explains the situation to Batman in a way that would make Batman say, "You're free to go, Tommy Monaghan. Go murder the weird disease spreading government weapon dude before it explodes and spreads more disease everywhere. I, Batman, would never kill it but letting you go to kill it doesn't make its death my responsibility. Still no blood on these hands!" But Tommy knows Batman might still come for him because, you know, all the murder.

You can't have a true Mexican Stand-off if one of the people involved is an absolute imbecile.

Batman thought those thoughts on purpose so that he could force Hitman to stop him from stopping him which Batman doesn't actually want to do because the disease bomb guy needs to die for Gotham's sake. So even though Batman could disarm both Tommy and Eckstein in a matter of seconds, he allows Tommy to find a way to escape. I think he even nods subtly to Tommy's bullshit so that Eckstein finds it easier to buy. The amount of times Batman stops people from being killed in Gotham versus the amount of times Batman doesn't stop Deathstork, Hitman, or Red Hood from killing terrible people in Gotham has to be proof that Batman basically allows anti-heroes to murder in his town as long as they're killing the right people. Maybe he even keeps The Joker alive because The Joker's poisons always somehow kill awful people?! Is that why Joker's still alive?! Did Batman know Jason Todd was a fucking violent prick and needed to die so he let The Joker do it?!

I knew it! The new League of Assassin's move!

Batman just happens to catch up to Tommy just after Tommy shot the government weapon in the head, mortally wounding it. Batman pretends to try to save the creature's life by standing between Tommy's guns and the dying creature but it expires while Batman defends it. Just like Batman knew would happen! As the creature dies, it begins a countdown where it will explode and spread even more disease throughout Gotham. So Tommy burns it up with a white phosphorous grenade and then flees the scene while Batman's vision clears. Batman realizes he needs to help fight the plague so he lets Tommy go. Just like he always lets Red Hood go. Just like he always lets Deathstork go. This motherfucker who doesn't kill is a collaborator and an accomplice! He's like a person who claims they've never killed an animal in their life as they dig into a juicy steak! Sure, okay, whatever. I guess your hands are technically clean?

The Ranking!
I give Batman a hard time about the not killing thing simply because he's so fucking preachy about it! If he was just all, "Look, I don't kill for personal reasons," instead of all, "I don't kill and nobody around me will kill either, so help me Batgod!" If he didn't give so much side-eye to Wonder Woman when she kills a dude, I wouldn't care so much. But the guy scolds people constantly while also not really giving that big of a damn when Damian cuts some evil ninja's head off. It's not the killing versus non-killing that I give any fucks about at all; its the scolding and the self-righteousness! Get over yourself, Batman! Maybe kill one guy just to see what it's like. See if it makes the world better or worse! And don't listen to that pansy-ass Gandalf shit about how we can't give somebody who has died life simply because they didn't deserve to die so why do we think we have the right to take somebody's life whom we think deserves to die? Sure, it saved Middle Earth because nobody was going to have the strength of will to throw the ring into Mount Doom's fire once they were that deep into Mordor. But, I mean, well . . . okay, I'm lying. I'm completely lying! I'm all in on Gandalf's lecture to Frodo about pitying Gollum and letting him live. I'm also all in on Batman not killing! I'm just trying to sound tough and cool and logical! But I'm the guy who wept harder than I've ever wept in my life while watching Pig (I mean other than when one of my own pets died). Although maybe that's not saying much because you probably wouldn't believe how much I cried when I realized what Tim Minchin was doing in the lyrics to "School Song" in Mathilda the Musical!

Oh, um, anyway, what a great story! So fun!


The next two stories are only ten pages long and have nothing to do with Hitman. So let's give them a quick read and get the fuck out of here!

Okay! I read them! Blech! Did people actually enjoy this "Contagion" story arc?! It feels like an excuse to have a bunch of people feel sad because close friends and family were dying. Oh no! One of Huntress's students is dying and Batman told her not to go find them because what can she do once she finds him? That's why he's doing the smart thing and just looking for the cure while he lets people die. Like the Eraserhead baby! And the other story? Oh no! Timothy Drake is dying and having hallucinations of a life where he doesn't have to lie to be Robin! And Alfred is crying! Boo hoo! Double blech! I hated both of those stories!

The Demon Annual #2 (September 1993)

I normally scan my own covers but sometimes you gotta yank 'em off the Internets. I feel dirty.

The Demon Annual #2 (September 1993)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Eugene D'Angelo, and Steve Haynie
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

I'm reading The Demon Bloodlines annual out of the Hitman trade paperback from 1997. I'm sure I own the actual annual but I currently have no idea where The Demon comics are stored. And since I'm about to read Hitman and I don't own Issues #1-4 (I just noticed Issue #4 isn't in the trade so I guess I'll be making a trip to the local comic book store!), I have to read them out of the trade which doesn't reprint the covers. And I have to begin with The Demon, right?! It won't make sense unless I start from the beginning of the beginning! Plus there's an extra Batman story!

I'm really excited for this re-read!

I should probably explain Bloodlines and how it resulted in the character Hitman but I'm terrible at explaining things without also telling four or five stories about my penis. So I'll let Steve Dillon explain it from his foreword in the Hitman trade from 1997:

How's this for a plan? Come up with an idea for a crossover series that creates a swarm of new heroes and villains, haul them up a flagpole and see which one gets saluted. That, in essence, was the thinking behind DC's Bloodlines and, in my cynical opinion, it was worth it for one reason — Hitman.

When Dillon writes "see which one gets saluted", it seems like a mistake. You'd think he'd want to say "which ones get saluted" but he's writing from a future perspective, having seen that, truly, only one of the Bloodlines characters ever really got that salute. At least that's the way I view Bloodlines history! I know a few of the characters did get their own series (I even purchased some of them. Like Anima!) but I don't think any of them were ever as popular as Tommy Monaghan (aka Hitman!). Let's do the absolute least amount of research possible and see if Steve and I were correct about Hitman being the single salutee!

Anima (from the pages of New Titans): 39 Appearances. Not too shabby! She even had her own series that went for 15 issues. She guest starred in an issue of Guy Gardner: Warrior which I probably don't have because, as I've mentioned previously, I'm an idiot who either didn't notice the name change and forgot about the series or just didn't make it to new comic day before it sold out each week! I'm pretty sure I tried to follow Anima because I thought she was a high concept development dealing with the Jungian theory of the anima and animus. But in reality, Anima simply took her name from a broken "Animal Reservation" sign. Boo! Mid-20s, college educated me was highly disappointed!

Argus (from the pages of The Flash): 28 Appearances. Argus also had his own series (I think I'm going to be surprised by how many of these characters had attempts at a series) that only went 6 issues. What a failure! I didn't read The Flash so I probably didn't even know this guy existed. Named after the Greek monster with loads of eyes because Argus, like me, could see far more than any of his stupid friends.

Ballistic (from the pages of Batman): 25 Appearances. Weakest performance so far and yet he sprung from the most popular comic book! Never even had his own series. Boring ass fuck. No thought put into him at all. "An armed and dangerous vigilante." Oh, did we need a new one of these, Doug Moench? Oh, this one was Korean? Okay, well, I guess. As long as he introduced everybody to gimbap. I don't think he did because I don't remember eating it until, um, ten or fifteen years ago? Boy do I miss the Second Son food cart in Portland! He moved to an actual location in Oregon City later in a shared space with a Viking restaurant. But I don't think he could keep up with his own popularity being that he made every roll himself and wait times could get crazy. Loved that shit, man! I miss you, dude!

Every Catholic priest should have a Crusader shield blocking their crotch. To protect the flock!

Cardinal Sin (from the pages of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight): 2 Appearances (though one of those barely counts as it's a "Batman Encyclopedia") This guy sounds awesome and, being from Legends of the Dark Knight, I'm assuming Alan Grant created him which, again, sounds awesome! His description on the DC fandom wiki is simply "disillusioned priest". Should I type it a third time? Sounds awesome! He was the enemy of Azrael so my friend, according to the ancient algebraic equation of the enemy of my enemy is my friend. He was created by Denny O'Neal and not Alan Grant so I'm going to take back one of my "sounds awesome"s. Not because I'm a Denny O'Neal hater but because I just fucking love Alan Grant so much! I should be sparing with my "awesomes", especially at my age when I don't have a lot of them left to give. Being that his only appearance was basically the issue in which he was created, I've got to assume Cardinal Sin fucking eats shit (physically, metaphorically, literally, and spiritually).

Chimera (from the pages of Team Titans): 4 Appearances. Her life began in a comic book that was lost in continuity bullshit and never really made any sense. She didn't stand much of a chance. She was probably killed by some idiot named Bellender Phone who rode a creature he called a "winged wingless wingbred". That "joke" was for three people. Thank you! And good night!

Edge (from the pages of Superman: The Man of Steel): 6 Appearances. This is a good example how I'm doing minimal research. I'm just assuming that the "appearances" on the DC Fandom Wiki are accurate and that they constitute actual appearances. But at least one of Edge's six appearances is simply his picture on a magazine cover during the story. So I have to imagine some of these, no matter how low the number, are still inflated!

Geist (from the pages of Detective Comics): 15 Appearances. This guy sounds much cooler than he is. I was expecting some skinny white apparition with long arms, long fingers, and long fingernails with flowing white hair and eyes with no pupils. Instead, he's just a faux Nightwing with long, trailing straps. He didn't have his own series but he was one of several Bloodlines characters who starred in the six issue Blood Pack series.

Gunfire (from the pages of Deathstork the Terminator): 29 Appearances. Not as good as Anima but better than Argus! Created by Len Wein after Len Wein apparently fell off of a ladder, cracked his skull, and bled all over an X-men comic book with Gambit on the cover, Gunfire managed to hold his own title for thirteen issues! Outstanding! I don't know if he had a Cajun accent or not. His name was Andrew but his father's name was Gunther so, um, you know. His father should have been Gunfire!

Our hero!

Hitman (from the pages of The Demon): 91 Appearances! Everybody salute Tommy! I FUCKING SAID TO SALUTE!

Hook (from the pages of Green Arrow): 3 Appearances. A blind Vietnam vet who could make his prosthetic arm into an energy weapon. He was like Daredevil if Daredevil were not an attorney and was also living on the street and was also a caricature of a homeless veteran. It's probably good that Hook was eventually killed by Prometheus. Reading about Hook gave me the same feeling that I get when Pink sings about how feeding the homeless was her Vietnam.

Jamm (from the pages of The Legion of Super-Heroes): 3 Appearances. This guy's description is "prodigious surfer-dude". Um. What? Also, did DC have to include their future team in this crossover by transporting "Jamm" to the future just to get sent back in time where, I'm guessing, he was thrown in an asylum due to talking about all the future women he fucked? Consensually! Probably. I mean, the guy did get mind control powers so who's to say, really?

In 1993, this was an over-the-top joke about a patriotic American. After 2001, this look became ubiquitous.

Joe Public (from the pages of Batman: Shadow of the Bat): 8 Appearances. Oh shit! This is Alan Grant's series! Man, I fucked up thinking he was writing Legends of the Dark Knight! If only I knew how to go back and edit things instead of just leaving my mistakes flapping in the wind. Anyway, this guy looks like he sucks. And he does! He sucks other people's powers to use for himself! Meta-commentary!

Krag (from the pages of Justice League America): 5 Appearances. I'm not even sure I'm halfway through with this list and, for the most part, they've been complete flops. I'm surprised DC didn't declare bankruptcy after putting so much effort into this event for so little payoff. Maybe Hitman saved the entire fiasco all by himself!

Layla (from the pages of Lobo): 11 Appearances. Described as a "tough-as-nails space explorer" which means absolutely nothing. Created by Alan Grant but I think he didn't give a fuck about this corporate mandate to create a new character. He just wanted to write some ultra-violent shenanigans with Lobo.

Lionheart (from the pages of Justice League International): 20 Appearances. It's questionable whether this guy even had an activated meta-gene and yet he still managed to knock out 20 appearances. Good for him. I guess.

Loose Cannon (from the pages of Action Comics): 23 Appearances. Starred in his own 4 issue series. He's probably been relegated to the dustbin of DC History because all of the illiterate assholes in the world today just read his name as "Lose Cannon" and think he's a loser. Fucking morons. Asshats. Learn about spelling, loosers.

Loria (from the pages of Showcase '94): 6 Appearances. Does this one even count? If she wasn't created in Bloodlines, I don't really care. Get the fuck out of here, Loria! You stink!

Mongrel (from the pages of Hawkman): 19 Appearances. Don't get too excited about this guy's number: it contains at least four different DC Encyclopedia series. I think a lot of these characters have an extra 1-4 appearances that are really just entries in books about the DC Universe that say, "This person existed. Nobody cared." He was part of Blood Pack. Created by John Ostrander so he couldn't have been completely boring. Probably had some good dialogue. Knew some college words.

Myriad (from the pages of Superman): 6 Appearances. Before Sasha Green became Myriad, she died. How she died is just, um, well, fantastic? Here's the quote from the DC Fandom Wiki:

Sasha Green was Lex Luthor's combat instructor. One day, while training Luthor in martial arts, she beat Luthor in front of Supergirl and Lois Lane and they laughed at him. Because of the embarrassment, Luthor secretly killed Sasha Green in her locker room, framed a janitor for her death and dumped her body at a LexSan landfill.

Did Lex really have to dump the body if he framed the janitor for the murder? Maybe the description just makes things sound weirdly complicated and the dumping came as part of the framing and not like some afterthought. Supergirl and Lois should have been accessories to the murder. Don't they know better than to laugh at Lex after a woman has humiliated him?! He basically had to kill Sasha after that!

Nightblade showing off his power to cut off his own hand.

Nightblade (from the pages of Green Lantern): 20 Appearances. I'm putting myself to sleep making this list! But I really want it all in one place so every time I explain to anybody in the future how Hitman was the only successful character that came out of Bloodlines (which I always amend to, "Well, maybe Anima as well. Maybe."), I can point them to the proof!

Pax (from the pages of L.E.G.I.O.N.): 4 Appearances. This guy had "enhanced senses". So he fought crime by smelling, tasting, and touching stuff. I'd say also by hearing and listening but everybody fights crime doing at least one, if not two, of those things.

Prism (from the pages of Eclipso): 6 Appearances. Prism was created by Robert Loren Fleming so I have to assume he was a joke character. But he was created in the Eclipso comic where Robert Loren Fleming was being dark and serious. So, I don't know. Whatever. I'm so bored!

This is Razorsharp. She uses the word "spaz" but I'll allow it because of the way she straps her tits down. So hot.

Razorsharp (from the pages of Robin): 20 Appearances. She was kind of cute! I say was because she was a member of Blood Pack and the problem with Blood Pack was that they were another bunch of heroes that Geoff Johns hated so he had Superboy Prime kill them all in Final Crisis. Geoff Johns must have the emotional maturity of a nine month old Chimpanzee because he can't allow characters that he dislikes to simply exist in the DC Universe. What a fucking twat.

Shadowstryke (from the pages of Justice League America): 2 Appearances. Less appearances than Crag who made his debut in the same issue. This guy was too depressing to make any more appearances because his entire family was killed when his meta-gene was activated. And nobody wants to be reminded of that shit month after month. Unless you're reading Batman. Then it's okay for some reason.

Slingshot (from the pages of Justice League America): 5 Appearances. It doesn't seem like the New Blood characters from Justice League America had much post-Bloodlines impact at all.

Sparx (from the pages of Adventures of Superman): 55 Appearances! Holy moley! This lady really attempted to be more popular than Hitman! Most of her appearances were in Superboy and the Ravers but she had a smattering of appearances in orbiting books like Young Justice and, well, Superboy. So I'm wrong to think that Hitman was the singular character to get the fan salute. Looks like Sparx got some love too! Didn't she also manage to jump to animation as well? She looks really familiar. As soon as I saw her pic, I thought, "She's gonna have a load of appearances. Not often I recognize one of these Bloodlines goons!"

Terrorsmith (from the pages of, once again, Justice League America): 2 Appearances. I don't care to learn anything about this guy especially after reading the DC Fandom Wiki entry that states "The doctor who examinated him . . .". Reading that kind of sucks because now I'm probably going to start using the word "examinated" and people won't know it's a reference to this idiocy. They'll just think it's my idiocy!

Freight Train (from the pages of The Outsiders): 13 Appearances. This guy is out of alphabetical order because he doesn't really count. None of those 13 appearances were in Bloodlines. He's just some guy who, years later, appeared and was all, "I was bitten in the spine by an alien! I'm a New Blood, baby!" And the other Outsiders yawned and went, "That's nice, Freight. Can you hand out the coffees now?"

That's it! I finally made it through all the characters! Hitman was obviously the stand out success with a self-titled series that lasted for five years. Sparx was a close second but she was just a member of a larger cast in a Superboy comic book written by Karl Kesel who created the character and so had a financial incentive to add her to the cast. I was going to say, "I bet the writer of Superboy and the Ravers was just doing their pal Karl Kesel a favor by including Sparx" but then discovered that Kesel was actually that writer doing the favor for himself. So Hitman beat Sparx by 5 appearances and that's even with Hitman dying after that 60 issue run! He could have made a ton of more appearances instead of the occasional flashback story. And now that I've bored everybody to tears with Bloodlines history, let's get into Tommy Monaghan's origin in The Demon Annual #2!

We begin, as always, with Jason Blood engaged in a little old self-pity party. Or as some more enlightened people might call it: meditating.

I can't picture Hitman any way but with McCrea's pencils. But my brain still wants to see Val Semeiks when I'm looking at Jason Blood or Etrigan or Harry the Pillow. The penis wants what the penis wants, as my grandfather used to say. Inappropriately. At breakfast.

The prison Blood is referencing is that place in his mind where Etrigan has been trapped until Blood says his little rhyming incantation to switch places. Then he gets to spend time in the mind prison while Etrigan destroys civilization. You'd think he'd never say the incantation because it's so dangerous to let a demon of Hell loose on Earth. But sometimes a man finds himself falling out of an airplane or about to be fed into a woodchipper or needing to suck a dick to pay some bills and the only thing to save your life or your gay mouth virginity is to summon a murderous demon of chaos and destruction. It just can't be helped! Man, I wish I had known four of those incantations in college!

That's Cockney rhyming slang for "pussy".

Jason Blood questions Etrigan about the recent killings of humans by spine-sucking monsters. Are they from Hell? Etrigan assures Blood that they are not and Jason goes away relieved. But not before Etrigan sings him a little ditty about some hellish monster with magic bullets blowing people away. The Mawzir, I suspect! Because aliens aren't cool enough for a Garth Ennis The Demon annual. He needs Nazi demons as well!

Soon we meet Tommy Monaghan, a scrawny hitman who wears a neck silk. Or an ascot. A cravat? Maybe he was just recently engaged in some autoerotic asphyxiation.

Or is this a traditional Irish garment?

Tommy's waiting around to murder some fat businessman. But when the time comes, an alien named Glonth interrupts Tommy's job. What these Bloodlines aliens do is suck the spinal fluid from their victims. Usually that kills the victims but in some cases, it activates their meta-gene. But Tommy doesn't know that's what's about to happen. Tommy, and the victim, actually think something even worse is going to happen.

Is being anally raped by a massive alien worse than death? I wouldn't think so but then I kind of like butt stuff and also living.

Glonth transforms from a disgusting hairy dwarf giant into a disgusting skinless alien monstrosity. I think that's some kind of metaphor for how getting super horny and turned on turns men into animals. Then the creature "sucks" the "marrow" from the businessman's "neck" in a panel that screams, "This is definitely a sex metaphor, dumb-dumb!"

Gross! I mean sexy! I mean grossexy!

Tommy watches the attack with his "gun" in his hands and now I've reached my quota on quotation marks. The alien notices the laser sight from Tommy's rifle and decides it's still hungry and/or horny. That joke would work better in sign language since horny and hungry are nearly the exact same sign. Anyway, Tommy, not wanting to die or be butt sexed against his will, screams.

Basically a shot-for-shot recreation of The Prince of Tides.

Before Tommy wakes up in the hospital and we learn that he now suffers from x-ray vision and telepathy, we learn a little about the motivations of the aliens. They're using the human spinal fluid to feed their babies. Aw! So all this death and destruction is a necessary way of life? I can't be too upset then. Anyway, their victims who die have nearly the same amount of overall appearances as the ones who live. Ha ha! Losers!

The cops found Tommy's gun and figured he was trying to kill the guy who got killed across the street. The guy who got killed's sons figured the same thing. And since the guy was a crime boss, the boys have got to go kill the guy who was gonna kill their pop before their pop got killed by something else. Mob justice doesn't make a lot of sense if somebody ain't tryin' to kill somebody else.

Tommy beats the cop guarding his room in the hospital with a bedpan and hoofs it across town to lay low at the flat of his buddy Pat. Not Nat the Hat's flat but Pat's flat where he'll be sat to hide from the fat alien prat. I think Pat gets his ass killed later in the series and it's super sad. I'm telling you now so that when he does die, it isn't super sad at all. This revelation that a character will die later so that you don't feel sad about it is why Grave of the Fireflies is, apparently, not sad at all. Look, I don't make the rules for storytelling! And if I did, I would have made telling the story of the movie Pig illegal.

Twenty pages in, Garth Ennis remembers that this is a The Demon comic book and begins a new scene starring Jason Blood at a wine tasting. Jason Blood is all, "Ooh la la! This wine tastes like eldritch berries!" And his gay friend is all, "Oh my my! It does!" And then Glonth is all, "I'm going to butt fuck you all!" People run around terrified while Jason Blood calmly tries to kick Glonth's ass right up until he panics because he can't kick Glonth's ass and he's forced to say his little incantation.

Glonth butt fucks hard!

This issue was written in 1993 by edgelord Garth Ennis so when I explain that Ennis is making fun of the gluttony of fat people with his character Glonth, you might believe I'm not being facetious. Most of the Bloodlines aliens only suck down enough human spine goo to feed themselves and their babies. But the aliens have commented on Glonth being out of control because he's now just eating humans because they're so delicious and not because he needs sticky sweet spine paste to survive. The other aliens are also large but, presumably, their dragon-like appearance is what thin aliens should look like. Glonth is a rotund ball of spine butter that's more dwarf than dragon. And we all know that the stereotype of fantasy dwarves are slovenly, gluttonous, greedy klutzes. I'm surprised Glonth isn't constantly holding a headless child in his sticky hands and sucking at the neck in every single panel the way fat people in movies were always depicted holding a melting chocolate bar in every single movie pre-'90s (and some '90s movies). Think Larry Mondello from Leave It To Beaver. Also "Glonth" is just obviously the name of a fat alien.

Oh wait! I forgot about this panel! McCrea did sneak in the messy fat kid with the melting chocolate bar image!

Once Etrigan appears, he immediately calls Glonth a fat farting alien fuck just in case the readers missed the whole "Glonth is a fat person that we can make sport of" theme. Etrigan always tells it like it is! That's the benefit of being a demon. Or an asshole. You can just say whatever you want and then be all, "It's a virtue to say whatever the fuck I want no matter how much harm it'll do! I'm allowed to say what I think!" Then some smarmy red-headed Catholic asshole named Soy Rakelson will be all, "I admire the way that person says what they think even if I don't agree with what they say!" Although you know when he says that, he totally agrees with the bullshit the person is saying. Fuck you, Soy! You suck!

Oh! Ha ha ha! Good show, Etrigan! Let me wipe away the tears of mirth from my eyes before I do precede with your delightful fat jokes!

It's a good thing Ennis has shown that Glonth is a glutton who is eating more people than he needs because I was feeling sympathetic to his cause of survival and feeding his alien babies earlier. Now that I know he's a monstrous fat person, I've become convinced of his moral turpitude and his greedy motivations.

Glonth gets the better of Etrigan because Etrigan's arrogance gets the better of him. Being a demon from Hell whose main flaw is also that of his Lord and Unsavior, Etrigan's pride leads him to believe that beating a fat kid to death should be the easiest thing in the world. But Glonth's defensive capabilities are stronger than Etrigan suspected, probably bolstered by years of defending himself against bullies who would grab his tits in the locker room and threaten to beat him up at the weekly bowling league such that he brought a souvenir knife to school that day to defend himself and then got called to the principal's office where he wept not for fear of the principal's punishment but the anger at the injustice of adults allowing bigger kids to threaten and pick on them so that they felt their only salvation was taking up a violent defense of their own person. That's just an imaginary possibility I thought up just now and not somebody's traumatic childhood memory.

Anyway, Glonth sits on Etrigan's face.

You call a fat alien Fatso the Trampoline Gut, he's gonna sit on your face, Etty!

I'll spare everybody Etrigan's further fat jokes, especially the one where he insults John Goodman by proxy, and get to the real fun stuff: Etrigan and Glonth duel each other with police cars. With the police still in them. So, in a way, everybody wins no matter what happens! It's like watching The Wicker Man on four separate televisions all at once! You'd think that would be four times better but it's actually closer to seven times better because math is weird. Something to do with how volume increases at a different rate than surface area as something grows larger. Or something. Do you think if I was any good at math, I'd still be reading and writing about comic books at 54?!

Etrigan knocks Glonth into the sewers and then disappears. End scene. Applause. Standing ovation. "More fat jokes! Encore! Encore!" the people yell. But the people will get no more fat jokes for they are now verboten. I mean, they're not, obviously. But the kind of people who think the height of humor is making somebody else feel bad probably think they can't tell fat jokes anymore. Those stupid hats they were should actually read MATFJA: Make America Tell Fat Jokes Again. Their perception of reality is so skewed that they think if they tell a fat joke, they're going to be sent to a gulag. At worst, a few people will probably narrow their eyes at them or scold them with one or two sentences. But for them, that's the end of free speech as we know it! How dare somebody suggest they try to be better than that!? Don't these scolds know that some of us are only mentally tall enough to grab the low hanging fruit jokes?! It's ableist to tell me that I shouldn't make a joke based entirely on somebody's looks and the most superficial of stereotypes! When that happens, it makes me want to praise Hitler!

That was me playing a MAGA-type character in that last paragraph. I don't actually want to praise Hitler when somebody criticizes some stupid thing I've written in my blog! Mostly when I'm criticized, I just feel terrible and wind up eating five packages of Oreos. But I will say this: criticizing some people works! The problem is loads of people won't change because they're stubborn, stupid assholes. But some do! Like that time I was scolded at a Pink Floyd show because I was throwing candy at some women standing up and dancing in front of me blocking my view and somebody behind me was all, "Chill out, man. They're just having a good time." And I was all, "HARRUMPH!", because that's how it feels to be scolded. But I was also all, "Yeah, that dude is right. I'm being a dick. We're all here to chill to some good tunes and zone the fuck out and I brought prick behavior into this place. I should have been scolded even more than I was!" And the person barely even scolded me! Imagine doing something like that to a MAGA type. No lesson learned. Just a doubling down of being an asshat. Fuck you, Soy! Eat shit!

Anyway, back at Pat's flat, it's the reveal of our hero! Salute, damn it! SALUTE!

Another reveal: Moe and Joe Dubelz, sons of the man Hitman was supposed to kill, are conjoined twins. What are the odds that your last name is Dubelz and you wind up a conjoined twin? Like 5 to 1, maybe?

I had dinner last night with a 12 year old and they asked me my favorite DC character. I said it's probably showing my age but my favorite character was Lobo. And they were all, "You're down with the 'Bo? That's cool!" What I'm saying is the kids are alright, man! The 12 year old's father was also there, you disgusting weirdoes. Jesus! I may be gross and problematic but not illegally so!

I don't know why I mentioned that after talking about Moe and Joe Dubelz. It's not like the kid was a conjoined twin or anything. Although that would have been pretty awesome. I've never met a conjoined twin but I imagine when I do, the night will end with them sing-songing, "One of us! One of us!" Because I'm so cool, obvs.

This issue also introduces another great character that I hope Garth Ennis and John McCrea get royalties for every time it's used in a comic, cartoon, or television show:

If Disney ever buys out DC and they open up a DC World at one of their parks, they'd better have a Noonan's and a slobbering demon from Hell constantly yelling, "BAYTOR!", had better serve me drinks while I sit there all fucking day and never see any other part of the park.

Immediately after introducing Noonan's Sleazy Bar, Sean Noonan is introduced on the next panel with his stupid mustache. He charges seven dollars for a pitcher of Budweiser which, in 1993, was a fucking crime against humanity. It still might be in 2026! SEVEN BUCKS FOR A PITCHER OF DOMESTIC BEER?! Get the fuck out of here, Noonan! Batman should burn your fucking joint to the ground! I could see paying that price if Noonan's was in a Disney park! But in the crime-ridden dirty streets of Gotham?! You gotta be selling that pitcher of bud for four bucks at best!

Maybe I'm delusional and bad at math and seven bucks was a reasonable price back then. What the fuck do I know? I was barely 21 in 1993! Oh wait. This came out in September of 1993 so I guess I was recently 22. Whatever. Don't try to remember any of this personal information, you jackals! None of it matters anyway since I've changed identity at least three times!

Tommy gets some info from a couple of Dubelz' thugs before murdering them and heads out to the wake of their father to murder more people. Glonth will probably show up as well as Etrigan and a lot of people will die and Garth Ennis will be all, "Man, I love this character. I hope all the other writers are taking this assignment as seriously as I am! DC is going to make so much money on this gimmick!"

Seriously though. There's still like 20 pages left of this thing so that summation might have to do it for the issue. Unless something truly disgusting and fantastic happens (which it probably will, being Ennis), I'll be giving my final thoughts in the next paragraph.

Dammit! Something disgusting and fantastic happens! Plus more of Etrigan's fat jokes!

Okay, these are some quality fat jokes. Like a Weird Al song. Can't hate on these!

I like how Ennis identifies through Etrigan how people who think they're being outrageously funny by insulting other people always fall back on the "It was just a joke! Can't you take a joke?!" idiocy. I'm the same way when I decapitate somebody's father's corpse by swinging it around during a brawl. "Can't you take a joke?!"

Etrigan and Tommy wind up driving off Glonth by burring his guts open and stuffing a grenade in him. I guess editorial didn't want anybody to show that the aliens could be killed so Glonth makes his escape, perhaps for some end part of the story. Bloodbath! or something. Tommy manages to kill Joe Dubelz but not Moe Dubelz. I'd forgotten about that right up until Tommy began shooting at them and then it just came back: Moe Dubelz with a fucking skull attached to his shoulder and a skeleton left arm. A truly great antagonist!

The Ranking!
And that's Hitman's debut! Just another great Garth Ennis story. One of the things I always love about an Ennis book is that you can tell he's having fun writing it. Whether or not he despises supes, he has fun playing in the world of them. He might not love them as inspirational golden totems to hold up as gods. But he loves fucking tearing those idols down, doesn't he? And it's so fucking goddamn fun to read. Whether he's writing The Demon and portraying a demon from Hell doing the inspirational work that a super hero should be doing; or he's writing about a bunch of boys murdering the super heroes that other super heroes should be murdering; or he's writing about a murderous psychopath who's doing the inspirational work a super hero should be doing; or he's writing about Hitman, a different murderous psychopath than the one I meant previously (Punisher!), doing the inspirational work of a super hero, he's always going balls out to make it as violent and gory and gross and vulgar as possible. And I fucking appreciate that, man! I am a lowlife and I need lowlife entertainment! Complimentary! Garth Ennis's shit is my jelly!

Um, ew, that sounded grosser than I meant it to.

Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)

"Not for Children" slapped on a grisly Bisley cover is ironic, right? Or sarcastic? Surely unnecessary.

Grendel: War Child #1 (August 1992)
By Matt Wagner, Patrick McEown, Bernie Mireault, and Kurt Hathaway
Cover by Simon Bisley
Edited by Diana Schutz

If you're a Grendel fan, don't get too excited about reading my take on one of the many, many, MANY Grendel series from across the years. For some reason, I only have this single issue. I probably saw the Bisley cover and the eyeball dripping off of a hook and thought it was a new Lobo series. Or I was still desperately trying to love the series the way one of my best friends loved it. Maybe two of my best friends! ("Best friends", plural, is the second tier of friendship for me. My only bestest friend in the whole fucking world ever was my cat Judas (1999-2014). He was my soul mate!) But the most plausible reason for my having the first issue of this series and not any others is that I completely forgot about it by September 1992. I think I hit the comic book store every new comic book day (was it Friday at the time? Thursday? I don't fucking remember) but that doesn't mean I always grabbed every book I was currently reading. Pretty sure I stopped reading Guy Gardner at the time the series became Warrior because the store sold out or, being an actual fucking idiot, I scanned the rack, saw Warrior and thought, "I don't read that one. Next!" It could also be that I purchased that issue (#16? #17?) that was twenty pages of Guy flying through an asteroid belt or meteor storm or something that my friend Brent and I shit all over for at least three weeks because it had no story and maybe no dialogue? Just a total waste of time.

It's possible I'm remembering that whole Guy Gardner thing incorrectly but that's not a surprise because every time I speak about a memory I had, it's mostly speculation. It's like looking into the mists of time through a seer's crystal ball. I kind of think I remember doing a thing but maybe I just dreamed it or I thought about it once and now the time I thought maybe I did that thing has become I actually did that thing? The human brain isn't anywhere close to as amazing as we all pretend it is. We're just all dumb motherfuckers who really should have learned a long time ago to write it all down!

It's too bad I didn't collect the rest of this series just for the Simon Bisley covers! Fucking missed opportunity, baby!

The inner cover might also be a clue as to why I didn't pick up the rest of this series.

Chapter 41?! What the fuck?! I've been duped by a #1 on the cover!

The original series ended with Issue #40 so I guess this is just an extension of that story. I did read my friend's issues of Grendel the summer of 1990 (as well as his Michael Moorcock Elric books) but I probably didn't remember them well enough to understand this inner cover blurb. Maybe the blurb didn't have anything to do with the original series anyway, being that this takes place far in the future. I don't remember the original series having anything to do with a future society with multiple Grendels so I suspect this is some kind of Bill & Ted thing where Grendel had such a huge impact on society that it became the basis for how wars are fought centuries later. Whatever the case may be, I found it too confusing in 1992 for me to continue with the series. Or, you know, I just forgot about it, like I said earlier. Fifty percent chance one of those was the case. As well as another 50% chance it was some other reason (every other reason having a 50% chance of being the actual reason).

If I had a lover who was an absolute idiot, this is where I'd lean over and whisper, "That's Grendel!"

I'm acting like this is a scene from a movie because the first couple of pages are quite cinematic. The art might be a bit amateurish but I would have accepted that as simple fact in 1992 because this was a Dark Horse comic book and not one of the big two. Obviously everything would be lesser quality! Maybe "amateurish" is too harsh. It's got a bit of a Manga vibe which might be the style it's going for. But to my untrained at visual art eye, a lot of Manga just seemed unfinished, rushed, or drawn by a thirteen year old who hasn't quite gotten a handle on depth of field, shading, or realistic breasts.

Let's just chalk it up to an unjudgmental clash of cultures and move on before I hurt my own feelings by insulting Sailor Moon.

The kid in the panel with Grendel, I learn as my lover leans in and whispers, "That's Jupiter!", is Jupiter, the heir to the throne of Earth. Since the Grendels seem to exist as different warring factions now, I guess the Grendel Faction that just obtained Jupiter rules the world now.

Matt Wagner whispers, "That's Laurel Kennedy Assante and her man-maid!"

The person whispering, "Mother?", off-panel is Laurel's daughter Crystal. This first issue is going to get me acquainted with all the characters mentioned in the "The Story So Far" brief on the inside cover and then it'll be time for Issue #2 which I don't have. So I probably don't need to actually read this, right?! Although it isn't for children so maybe I'll see a butt or a booby if I hang in there!

Laurel, current Regent of the World, thinks the kidnapping of the actual heir of the world will throw the world into chaos. What she means by that is it will destabilize her rule and she'll lose power. The world is already in chaos but as long as she's technically got the keys to running it, she doesn't give a fuck. If she could be honest with her Red Devil Grendel Warriors, she would tell them, "My rule is threatened! Do you want to work for somebody who might not be able to pay you if all of this falls apart?! I don't think so! Go get that fucking kid so that I control all of the tax wealth and mining rights and the crown!"

While escaping with the child, Grendel winds up surrounded by Red Devils. I guess the person dressed as the Grendel readers recognize is the protagonist. Although has Grendel always been the protagonist? I don't fucking remember. Weren't there multiple Grendel (not concurrently but one after the other) in the main series?

Grendel owns a "laser sword" and battles "Empire troopers" in a desert canyon because Matt Wagner saw Star Wars just like everybody else.

After the battle in the canyon, everybody hops on their hoverbikes and begins the chase scene. But through canyon walls and not Redwood forests so at least that's different. Kind of. At least Matt thought up the double-sided lightsaber first!

So that's all Qui-Gon Jinn needed to do to defeat Darth Maul? Kick him in the balls?

Oh, that guy Grendel is fighting there? A gang he encountered in Chicago on his road trip with the boy to New York. What's he doing with the boy and why is this Grendel so special? I'll never know because that's it for this issue, baby!

The Ranking!
Well, I just remembered why I never got Issue #2! Because nothing fucking happens in this issue! At least nothing interesting and new. A vaguely Star Wars-esque character in a vaguely Mad Max world transports and protects a child across the country in a Little Miss Sunshine plot. Although I might be misremembering that movie. Anyway, you can probably think of plenty of movies where somebody steals a child from bad guys to help save the world. Was that the plot of The Golden Child? And with all that superficial pop culture camouflage, there's really no story at present. Just a few fight scenes and a woman yelling at her staff. It didn't pique my interest to continue here in 2026 so I imagine I felt the same in 1992. Especially since it would have been really easy to just get the second issue when it came out. We've already seen so many other comics I was collecting in 1992 that I probably shouldn't have picked up. Robin. A bunch of Eclipso annuals. Timber Wolf. Darkstars. Late issues of Justice League Europe. I want to say Shadows of the Bat but I actually enjoyed most of those. Probably so, so many more!