Planetary #20 (September 2004)

Is this Jacob Greene's fucked up eyeball?

Planetary #20 (September 2004)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Last issue recap: we saw Galactus's quim. And that's all I have to say about that.

Jacob Greene, Alternate Dimension Ben Grimm, has arrived at the alien biodome while Planetary watches. It's their first ever glimpse of him. Sure, he's in a spacesuit but it's a massive fucking spacesuit. My guess is he looks like Thrunk from Cerebus which would make sense since I think Thrunk was supposed to be a parody of The Thing anyway. Except I've seen what Jacob Greene actually looks like on the cover of the fourth Planetary collection and he looks more like Swamp Thing than The Thing. I don't see any Man-Thing in him which is a stupid joke but I've written it so, well . . . *shrug*

Jacob Greene disappears into the ship and Planetary loses sight of him. So they contact the angels to tell them to get back to the entrance of the ship because they missed recording something super cool. But they're currently recording something super cool already so why would they want to backtrack?

The super coolest: Bee People with Pubic Hair.

The angels rush back to observe Jacob Greene and Dr. Kwelo learns that his little pets can fly faster than Mach 2 when they're really curious. They pass more creatures with pubic hair before they finally lay their eyes on Jacob Greene (who has no pubic hair at all).

I skipped many pages of visual storytelling which were beautiful and haunting but, you know, I only know how to talk about words. And pubic hair.

Jacob Greene is just as gross as everybody was expecting him to be. He's also tremendously violent and bloodthirsty. Plus he does sort of look like Thrunk crossed with Swamp Thing (with maybe a touch of Sloth from Goonies thrown in). The pupils of his eyes are those triangles from the cover which remind me of the massive god-like being from The Authority which (if I remember correctly) Jenny Sparks kind of gave her life to defeat (but mostly because they defeated it just on the turn of the century (it's also possible I'm mixing up two or three different story arcs from the series)). Could it be that that massive pyramid god was the thing that transformed The Four into their Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four personas?

While the angels scan Jacob Greene and download the data to Planetary, Elijah Snow springs the trap. The angels' vessel was fitted with a bomb which they detonate, destroying Jacob Greene's ship as well. He's now stranded on the alien vessel which is simply passing through our solar system. The angels are also trapped aboard it but they're totally cool with it because it contains so much pubic hair to document.

This didn't make me weep like Pig or Mark Russell's Traveling to Mars but it is touching.

For some reason, Jakita gets really pissed off and claims that this Elijah isn't like he was before the memory loss. Is she mad that he separated the angels from Dr. Kwelo even though the angels were destined to leave at some point anyway? Sure, Dr. Kwelo is sad. But he's sad in a happy way like when the Bigfoot you've been living with finally gains the confidence it needs to go live in the forest on its own and you have to drive it from your home. You're proud of it but also sad to see your big little guy go. Is Jakita mad because Elijah ruined a chance to do some really good archaeology on the alien vessel? Is she mad because he stranded another human being on a craft headed for deep space even if that human being is gross? Oh, um, and evil! Is it because Jacob Greene is certainly going to kill, eat, and fuck every living thing aboard that vessel? Or is she just mad because Elijah didn't tell her his plans and she's all, "How could he lie to me?! I'll never forgive that Goddamned Oliver Queen!" I mean Elijah Snow!

The Ranking!
Well that's it for my single issues! This issue came out in July of 2004 and I believe I stopped collecting monthly comic books with the final issue of Cerebus in, I believe, March 2004. Sometimes around then, anyway. But this proves I was still going to the comic book store occasionally, mostly to pick up Fables and The Walking Dead. But eventually I just started getting those books in collected editions and didn't really pick up many comics at all until The New 52 began. I think maybe I also got a Giffen Suicide Squad run and maybe those I Can't Believe It's Not the Justice League books? I can't remember. I'll find out as I continue my journey through all of my old books.

Even though this is my last single issue, I'll finish the run by reading the last seven issues from the collected book, Spacetime Archaeology. I normally don't do reviews of issues I read out of trades but it's going to become a regular thing because my next two runs of comics I'll be reading are also missing some of the first issues: Preacher and Hitman! I'm also currently reading the hardback of Tom King's Supergirl but haven't decided how I want to talk about that yet. Maybe when I've finished it.

Planetary #19 (May 2004)

Christ. It's so Goddamned white!

Planetary #19 (May 2004)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Planetary is ostensibly about a group of people discovering as much as they can about the planet Earth, first for passive librarian science reasons but eventually to help protect the planet and its people from those who would manipulate them and take advantage of everything. So when you have an issue that calls itself "Mystery in Space", it's an attempt at extending the premise outward, embiggening it. It seems obvious that the protection of Earth cannot remain exclusively an on-Earth activity. Threats come from space as well! We saw that last issue when three 150 year old corpses crashed to Earth. Okay, well, that wasn't a threat but it was maybe a prelude to the idea that unknown threats can come from space. Although this cover doesn't hint, at least to me, at a dangerous threat from space. This cover hints at God making the index finger of one hand going in and out of a circle made by the index finger and thumb of the other hand. I guess that could be interpreted as an alien or god sending the message "You're fucked!" to Earthlings.

This paragraph and the next are asides and have nothing to do with the comic book meaning none of it will be on the test and you can skip them if you're in a hurry or you're a fucking traitor. Recently I heard somebody spouting the old tried and true statement about how crazy it is that everything had to work out just perfectly for life to evolve on Earth. How miraculous it must be for all the parameters for life to have been correct. But, dude, yeah. Obviously! The only way life can take place on a planet is if that planet is the correct distance from the sun and has water and has a Jupiter as a shield and has a moon as a mini-shield or whatever all of those parameters are. What am I? A scientist? No, I'm just a philosopher who understands when people are trying to make something more out of a pure tautological argument. "Humans exist on Earth because Earth has the right conditions for humans." Yeah. That's fucking it, man. It's not magic. It's not a miracle. It's not God. It's a fucking fluke of random chance! Now if your argument was "Humans exist on Earth despite its not having the correct parameters for life", now I'm fucking listening! I'm all, "Whoa. How did life evolve here then? What helped us along? How could the impossible happen?!" But instead, people are all, "How did the possible become possible?! The only way people could be on Earth is if Earth were in the correct position to evolve people! Mind blown, man! Mind blown!"

Fucking hell, dudes. If that's your argument then you've got to admit right now that if we find any other planets in the Goldilocks zone that they'll have life because your argument isn't life is a miracle and what were the odds. Your argument is this planet could sustain life and so life happened. Which, you know, isn't a big admission to make. You're not going out on a limb there. Because we're also dealing with an Earth that didn't have life on it for billions of years. Maybe millions. Hundreds of millions? What am I? A geologist?! Anyway, you know, whatever. Back to the comic book.

At a secret base in Zambia which nobody in Planetary knew about for over a decade because Elijah Snow forgot it was there (as well as where everything else was), a team keeps watch of objects in the sky. They've noted a cylindrical object floating out well past the moon, too far away for conventional space flight. But, as the director of the place says, they engage in unconventional space flight. They also house angels.

Angels. Fairies. Alien greys with gossamer wings.

Elijah says he's been keeping the angels in captivity, changing locations often, since they "came down on Germany in the Thirties". Isn't that where and when Superbaby landed? And didn't the people of Krypton look something like these creatures (minus the wings)? Is this Zod, Faora, and, um, the other one? Elijah says they're happy to stay as long as they're fed information but they don't look that happy to me. Maybe they were just fed the entirety of Watership Down? Hopefully they're not too depressed because they are Planetary's "unconventional space flight". Elijah's going to send them to investigate the massive dildo floating out past the moon.

Oh. I get it. Some scientist found Elijah's sex doll and he was all, "It's an angel! AN ANGEL! It records shit!"

So after Elijah stuck a camcorder and reel-to-reel tape recorder into his sex doll, he convinced his team of astrophysicists that they're alien beings that can fly spacecraft. He says they have limited brains which is his way of saying, "My 20th Century Baby super sperm control them."

Elijah casually reveals more of his memories to Jakita which were secrets kept from her for decades when Elijah had his memory. So now she's giving him constant narrowed eyes. We might be ramping into Felicity not trusting Oliver WB Green Arrow territory here. "How could you not tell me you hate Diet Coke?! You're a massive liar whom I cannot trust anymore!" Although maybe keeping nineteen alien space invasions of Earth secret from Jakita is a little bigger than all the bullshit things Felicity would get upset about Oliver not telling her. "You pee sitting down?! How could I not know this?! How can I ever trust you again?!" Man, that show was rough.

The plan isn't just to send the cum dolls to observe the space phallus; it's also to catch Jacob Greene, Alternate Dimension The Thing, investigating on his own. I guess they've yet to see the monstrosity he's turned into and they're all got massive expectation boners going. You know what an expectation boner is, right? It's when you're pretty sure somebody's going to put their hand down your pants at some point during the night so you walk around with a massive hard-on which maybe winds up being the cause of somebody putting their hands down your pants to check it out. Kind of a self-fulfilling boner.

I appreciate that Cassaday went out of his way to make sure the angel's ship wasn't penile but I know a pee hole when I see one.

The angel's ship looks like a suppository which might be some kind of foreshadowing. I think the original script for Star Trek V: The Final Frontier had the Enterprise flying up God's butthole so maybe this is an homage to that. Or it would be if I wasn't always full of shit and writing complete nonsense. But imagine if Kirk had to fly up God's butthole instead of what the actual movie was written to show: Kirk is the only person in the universe man enough to sass back to God. I know it wasn't God but that's the point. Everybody else was shitting themselves and kowtowing to the obvious fakery and Kirk was all, "I question your reality!" And everybody was all, "Oh no! Is Kirk an atheist?!" And then God turns out to be the Star Trek version of Zod in the Phantom Zone and he loses his shit and attacks, proving that Kirk was right: there is no God.

If you're one of the few people familiar with Star Trek V, you might realize I don't fully know what I'm talking about. But that's because I haven't seen the movie since it was in theaters! But you kind of remember a movie where Captain Kirk faces down a god. It would have been even better if they had Kirk fuck it.

Here is the part of the comic book where I nod along as if I understand and pretend I haven't been reading comic books for decades just for the tits and ass.

After The Drummer gets completely red pilled by Dr. Kwelo, he goes off to his room to do some calculations which, in a universe whose underpinnings are information, might be slang for masturbating. "I just ejected fifteen different derivative functions from my holographic sex unit!" is what I'm going to say next time I get caught jerking off.

The Drummer's new theory of the multiverse and the snowflake incorporates God's wank bank they saw in Hong Kong. So now I guess we're just accepting the Dr. Kwelo's theory that everything is two dimensional and what they saw in Hong Kong was the ultimate version of reality: God's stack of hard drives. And the 20th Century Babies are the anti-virus protection. The Four are the virus. These angels are, um, spiders, I guess?

The angels breach the massive floating cylinder to discover an alien ecosystem containing trees, water, and even primal, naked humanoids. They move in even further and discover a dead Alternate Dimension Lady Galactus.

Complete with Galactic Camel Toe.

Birdlike creatures feed off the dead or dying god's eye juice. Giant rats eat the flesh from its extremities. Humanoids trek across the vast expanse of its fingernails. Skeletons crowded around its nipple have died trying to get the last of its milk. Villages have sprung up in the shelter of shadow of its feet. Its death has created much life (other than the skeletons whose death was created by its death).

As Planetary observes in awe, another ship with a lone pilot pulls up alongside the space object. Jacob Green. Finally! And, I think, the first Planetary story to be more than one issue because that's the end of this one!

The Ranking!
Some astute readers may have noticed that my "The Ranking!" section doesn't actually rank anything. It's just a way to say, "I'm done commenting on the comic because I reached the end!" It's hardly ever even a section where I sum up my feelings on the entire piece! It's just a place to say one or two more stupid things before I end the entire process in the weakest manner possible. In reality, this section should at least say trite things like, "This issue was fucking awesome!" or "I can't wait for next issue!" or "Ellis and Cassaday and DePuy-Martin have created the kind of story which will linger on in the minds of readers whose brains actually somehow retain information for longer than six months!" I will say, "I do remember the whole Galactus thing." So that's a plus for my stupid brain. I don't really remember what takes place with Jacob Greene though. According to the cover of the next issue, it looks like it's going to be part of that Authority story where they encounter the giant dead triangle God thing and root about its corpse. Fuck. I'm probably remembering that all wrong too and I just re-read it a year and a half ago!

I might be desperate enough to start taking fish oil or whatever fake bullshit supposedly helps with memory. I probably can't make my memory worse! Hmm, maybe more LSD and mushrooms would help?!

Planetary #18 (February 2004)

Looks like more backstory and imperialism!

Planetary #18 (February 2004)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Here are some of the themes I get while reading Thomas Pynchon novels:

1. THEY are doing everything they can to make the world a worse place for the majority of people simply to sate their own selfish desires.
2. Imperialism is one of the major tools used by THEM.
3. Predestination and Preterition may not be true religious or philosophical concepts but it hardly matters since they explain so much of the world. THEY have everything at birth and keep it; the Preterite have nothing and gain less.
4. Belief warps reality. New ideas don't just change the future; they literally change the current reality.
5. Nostalgia traps the mind into viewing the world where constancy trumps change leading to stagnation, racism, and anger.
6. Dick jokes are pretty goddamned funny.

I feel like Planetary hits a lot of the same notes. Maybe not so big on the predestination stuff but, I don't know, maybe? I haven't really thought about it much but The Four are gods who are definitely also THEM and who is to say why they were picked to become gods? THEY were picked so THEY were always picked so THEY were predestined to become gods. Everybody else are the Preterite to be used at their whimsy. I mean, everybody except all the Century Babies! I think they were natures way of combating those four future gods.

I guess all the white men with guns on the cover made me realize I need to finish Against the Day!

This issue begins, sort of, with (6.), the dick joke:

See, Bond fucks so many dirty evil spy women that his dick probably looks like a half-rotten cucumber mauled by a sewer rat.

Thanks to Elijah Snow's earlier meeting with John Stone where Snow regained his memory, Elijah has been meeting up with all of his allies (and potential allies) to bolster his relationship with them. He's been giving some of them pensions and some of them Wilders and some of them German families. He's been considering his past and deciding who might join him against The Four and who might have already sided with The Four. He's headed toward an ultimate showdown with the gods who have been shitting on the world because it's their kink and now he's meeting with the guy who — for still unknown reasons — got the ball rolling. Where does Stone, John Stone, stand?

Stone has some information for Elijah: he knows where William Leather will be in a few days. An object that has been in orbit between the Earth and moon for 150 years will be making landfall soon. Leather will be there. Stone thinks Elijah, with help, has a real chance of destroying him. John Stone kills a pigeon with his cigarette and walks off. So I guess Stone isn't actually offering to help any more than handing Elijah a piece of paper with the location of the space object's return to Earth? And what does this have to do with the Gun Club?

Oh wait! Do I actually remember something? Did the Gun Club launch this thing like a massive skeet shoot in the mid-nineteenth century?! I guess that's why those three guys on the cover are in rudimentary space suits. And that's the space barrel of their space gun behind them, ready to launch those three idiots to their death.

I do not, however, remember what happened to the crew. Or what will happen to Leather when Snow catches up to him. Or too many things to list but none of them have anything to do with this comic book which I first read 22 years ago and, I believe, re-read eight years ago. I do remember a day many decades ago in Aptos, California standing in front of a full length mirror naked immediately after losing my virginity suspecting that I'd see myself differently but, alas, I perceived no change at all. Except maybe I was a little giddy while my partner in the other room was a lot disappointed.

The returning space capsule landing exactly where it was launched 150 years previously.

Alternate Dimension Johnny Storm, aka William Leather, blazes onto the scene covered in blue fire. He speaks angrily with Randall Dowling about getting something in return for this artifact recovery. It seems they've been on the outs and Dowling has been keeping something which Leather desires. His soul, maybe? That's a joke. Souls don't exist! Even in comic books!

Before Leather can procure the space bullet, a Planetary helicopter arrives on the scene and scoops it up. Knowing that Leather isn't subtle about his actions and doesn't think anything through because, you know, he's a god. Why would a god worry about the consequences of his actions? So he burns his way into the helicopter to begin kicking ass and discovers he's in the inventory of Dungeon Crawler Carl.

Man, I've got to remember that one. If I ever meet a god, I'm calling them Mr. Buttwipe. Or Ms. Buttwipe, if I can easily tell their gender. Probably don't have one so, um, Mx. Buttwipe? Is that right? I'm old.

I don't imagine a helicopter full of explosives is meant to take Leather out but merely to knock him off-kilter so Elijah, Jakita, and whoever else they convinced to help them appears.

While Leather's getting his bearings, Jakita speeds up to him and jams some kind of Hark-brand inoculator with a five inch needle into the back of his head. Leather remains unconscious and Planetary takes him into custody. Next, Jakita opens up the massive space capsule to see what that thing's all about.

This would have made a cool painting on the inside of a double album by a prog rock band in the '70s. The front and back covers would have just been the orb itself floating in space.

Planetary can only surmise what happened here from the available evidence in the capsule, the surrounding buildings, and the massive pipe crumbling across the moor. Three men make an attempt to visit the moon using the technology of 1850 and disappear from history for the next 150 years. They discover photos of the day, the club, the men as they entered the space vehicle. And they discovered a list of signatures of people in the club, one of them being Jules Verne. So that name alone probably answers any question anybody might still be asking!

The Ranking!
This one was unexpectedly emotional! What I was thinking as I read it was, "Wouldn't it be awesome if nothing after opening the capsule was explained? Then the reader would just put it together from the cover, really. But the cover is a replica of a photo inside the space capsule. And, of course, Jakita and Elijah wander about speculating on what could have happened here. It's so weirdly optimistic in the way it shows what humans will attempt for nothing more than curiosity and possible knowledge. Three men willing to risk their lives on a belief in their belief in technology, math, and human ability. Seeing their corpses was both sad and uplifting at the same time. This is why I love literature. I like people who do things out of passion and love and curiosity and knowledge and whimsy and art. I can't stand people who do things for money or fear or hatred or practicality. Give me chaos over order any fucking day because chaos believes you can shoot the moon. Order believes you're stuck in the mud.

I'm so glad I was wrong about the cover being imperialistic! Of course, I don't know that these men weren't planning on colonizing the moon, excited to oppress the moon beings they find there. But that's too cynical even for me. The cover knows it'll make the viewer's colonizer Spidey sense tingle and then it actually tells a story about scientific ingenuity and humanity attempting the seemingly impossible. And they succeeded! Sort of!

Oh look! No footnotes this time! Maybe I've gotten them out of my system for a bit. I guess littering my thoughts with asides encased in em dashes and parentheses is probably easier.

Planetary #17 (December 2003)

I hope the cat wins.

Planetary #17 (December 2003)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Cassaday got that cat looking right in the camera doing the whole record-scratch, freeze-frame movie moment when the cat's narration begins, "You might be wondering how I got in this situation." The more I look at the cover, the more I see it from the sabre-tooth's point of view in a comedic tone. I know it's supposed to evoke the thrilling action of an old pulp fantasy novel with barbarians and topless women but this was put out in the 21st Century and in the 21st Century, nobody wants to see the hero kill a big sweet pussy kitty probably named Mr. Tom-tom. Imagine living for 100 years spanning the entire 20th Century. You experience growing up on a farm drowning kittens like in that poem I can't name because I don't want to re-read it when I look it up and realizing 100 years later that if you told anybody about those memories of something that was not just normal but expected to keep farm life running the way it must, they'd castigate you as a monster. Which you are, obviously, because even 100 years ago, I couldn't drown a kitten! Also imagine having toes almost as long as fingers. What's going on there, Elijah?! Maybe I'm the freak, though, because I do know some people with long toes. Even with shoes on you can tell who has long toes because they're often seen chanting, "Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us!"

If I'd seen a book with this cover at the B. Dalton Bookseller in Valley Fair Mall in the late '70s, early '80s, I would have snapped it up and devoured it. I think I read my first Conan book because the cover reminded me of a Harryhausen film. Later, I convinced my grandmother to buy me a Skeletor¹ figure because it looked like something out of a Conan novel.

Man, I hope I wasn't like fifteen when the first He-man figures came out. Looking them up, it looks like they were originally marketed in 1982 meaning I was ten. So I guess I read my first Conan book at nine or ten. That was probably appropriate, right?

This book begins in 1933 with Elijah shirtless and heading down a river in a jungle in Africa. It's previously been mentioned that Elijah Snow and Alex Brass explored Opak-re early in their careers (though at different times). Not only does it have a pulp fiction vibe but it's definitely playing to the Heart of Darkness crowd as well.² Elijah has become lost but he's sure he's nearing Opak-re. I thought maybe Opak-re was an anagram for something but the best I can come up with is "Kreap-o" which might be foreshadowing of Warren Ellis's social life.

I think this is the one where Snow discovers Eclipso.

I have, at times, seemed to criticize this comic book (as well as many others because I'm just not a visual person) for spending several pages at a time without any dialogue. But that's because of my own limitations when it comes to experiencing art. I just wanted to make clear that I understand how much Warren Ellis trusted Cassaday to tell the story through his visuals. I often make a joke about how short and lazy Ellis's script probably looked but when you've got John Cassaday on the other end of the fax line, you realize just how little you need to say. This time instead of sending Cassaday reels of film containing Slouching Tiger, Forbidden Dragon, he sent him a DVD of Apocalypse Now and just said, "This but Elijah's looking for Wakanda instead of Marlon Brando."

The river Elijah's floating down leads him directly to the lost city which means it couldn't have been that lost if the river led right to it. Lost cities should be in the middle of the jungle covered by foliage and not just sitting there close enough to be seen from anybody passing by on the river. But I guess when you have a massive phallus guarding the place, it makes it easier to remain lost.

While I hated that Elijah is about to kill the pussy on the cover, I really don't mind if he slays this penis.

I don't think you can categorize a work of fiction as pulp fantasy unless there's at least one giant snake in it and three topless women. I suspect Ellis and Cassaday will have to forego the topless women though but only because this is a comic book that probably sold on the same rack as Scrooge McDuck. My guess is they'll have at least one topless woman but she'll be wearing a necklace which hangs perfectly to hide her nipples or have that perfect length hair for hiding tits.

Elijah blows out the snake's left eye and freezes it in the river. But a bunch of legs come out of the portholes built into it and it pulls itself free of the ice to charge him. Just as it's about to eat him, Tarzan swings down and does an elbow drop on its head, knocking it unconscious. Tarzan introduces himself as Kevin Sack which is, um, embarrassing. He also goes by the name Lord Blackstock which is just another indicator that he's Tarzan if you hadn't already gotten it from his swinging on a vine, his Tarzan shout, his loincloth, the description earlier that he'd gone feral, and his perfect nipples.

Another clue to his Tarzan identity: he fucks chimpanzees.

One of the rules for outsiders spending time in Opak-re, especially white outsiders, is not to breed with the locals. Elijah is all, "Oh, don't worry: I hate kids!" But then he meets Anaykah, a topless woman, with whom he has loads and loads of unsafe sex.³ None of it results in a child and the breaking of the rules because Elijah respects the culture and/or he's shooting blanks. Eventually, Elijah leaves to go gather more information for his Planetary Guide. While he's gone, Anaykah gets bored, has sex with Tarzan, and births a child. When Elijah returns, he discovers the city collapsing into the ground to seal out the rest of the world. Anaykah meets him outside with her and Tarzan's baby, pleading with him to keep it safe as she disappears underground with the rest of her people, never to see the outside world again. Her last words are "Wakanda forever!"

Elijah, not made to deal with babies, drops the kid off with the German family that would have raised Superman if William Leather hadn't ground little Kal-el's baby skull under his bootheel. Their name was Wagner and they named the baby Jakita. That'll probably be important later. The name sounds familiar, anyway.

The Ranking!
Well if Jakita is Tarzan's baby then that means the girl whose mother was bathed in Gamma Radiation and saved by Alternate Dimension Incredible Hulk is still out there as yet unrevealed! Will she make an appearance along with the creature from Planet Fiction that arrived on the day Ambrose Chase "died"? We don't have many issues left, Warren! And we're still getting back story! Where's the front story?! I want to see Dowling murdered already!

Hey! I just realized Elijah Snow never battles a sabre-tooth tiger! Fraud! False advertising! Also, I'm kind of relieved. I didn't want to see him murder a kitty cat.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ This was before there was a cartoon and they were sold with mini-comics to explain the characters and the world. I didn't care about all that because Skeletor was just some animated Skeleton bad guy to fight Conan. Conan was, um, me, I guess? Definitely didn't have a Conan figure and didn't purchase He-man until I realized he had the other half of Skeletor's sword (which wasn't as cool as his ram's head staff but I still needed the full sword!).
² Which obviously means playing to the Apocalypse Now lovers too, especially when you consider Cassaday's visuals. Cassaday never had a problem putting the visual sources he was alluding to right out in the open.
³ That's why Tarzan confesses to fucking animals. Because he's admitting to Elijah that he's never slept with an African woman. I think it's less because he doesn't want to and he's kind of racist (in a systemic way which is different than a hick way (though not better. Just clarifying!)) and more because the women see him as an arrogant imperialist who just wants to dominate people he sees as subservient to him. He is a British Lord, after all!

Planetary #16 (October 2003)

I'm assuming the Kanji reads "Planetary" because of the little bubble that makes that first symbol into "pu".

Planetary #16 (October 2003)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Richard Starkings
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

This cover screams two things at me: movie poster and "We're gonna learn about the Harks, motherfuckers!" Most comic book covers usually just scream at me, "You're a pathetic loser, you virgin bitch!" So I'm actually quite thankful that this one's being so helpful what with the Asian face and the super long fingernails and the Kanji and whatnot¹. Oh, this comic book cover screams one other thing at me as well: "Don't think about how the last issue you read, Planetary #15, also had 'OCT' on the cover or how Laura Martin used to be Laura DePuy and how John Layman isn't editor anymore and how two years of your pathetic excuse for a life have passed since the last issue!" So, um, you know what, cover? I'll take that advice. I'm not going to think about that two year gap between issues at all! It's not my problem!

One thing I will note about the delay between issues as this comic book moves along. I only own the single issues up to Planetary #20 because of these delays and my self-exile from the world of comic books for nearly a decade. About eight years ago, I finally remembered that I'd never finished the series and purchased the final book in the collection so I could see how it all ends. I've only read the last seven issues the one time which means I've basically never read it at all, being that that's how my brain works. The only comic books I truly remember are Elfquest and Cerebus because I re-read them many, many times and also I was a lonely loser who often fell asleep at night pretending that he was Skywise making out with Foxfur under the stars while also listening to country music or Doctor Demento on big plastic yellow radio headphones.

No, you know what? I made up the last sentence of that last paragraph. You can disregard it as me being stupid and silly. Especially the part about how I'd have sexual fantasies about being Skywise. That part was totally just a joke. Ha ha!

This is the end result of Anna Hark's Night's Stars Attack. It occurs on Page 10.

Being that the first ten pages of this script must have been something like, "Hey, John? Did you see Hidden Tiger, Crouching Dragon? Just come up with a fight scene like in that movie for the first half of the book. *cough, cough* I'm a widdle sick boi. :(", I decided to read up on the whole two year delay. My extensive research uncovered that Ellis was sick and Cassaday had other work engagements. I was fairly certain the delay was on Ellis's end because Cassaday knocks the fucking fight scenes out of the martial arts ball park where they play martial arts ball. I don't know if you can plagiarize a movie's fight scenes but Cassaday does them so well, I just assumed that he projected scenes from Sneaky Tiger, Rambunctious Dragon on his desk and just traced the fuck out of them. It's also possible my pretend script had too many words and Ellis just sent Cassaday a film reel of the movie with a Post-it note stuck to it that read, "Planetary #16".

In the second half of the comic book, Warren Ellis decided to have the characters use more words than "Die!" and "No you die!" That's probably because Elijah Snow and Anna Hark needed to reveal more back story while flirting with each other.

The sexual tension has me throbbing like a massive erection!²

Whenever somebody tells me something I didn't know, I always respond, "Who cares? Nobody, that's who! Such useless information!" Especially if it's information about my father. If he wanted me to know what you're telling me, he wouldn't have abandoned me when I was two years old! Then I'd hope they'd leave quickly so I could pull out my jar of tears from under my bed and explosively add another half inch of volume to its salty contents.

In this conversation with Anna Hark, I think it's the first time Elijah Snow is referred to as "the ghost of the 20th Century" which I fucking love. Jenny Sparks is the Spirit of the 20th Century and we know there are many more Century Babies than Jenny. So labeling them all as various aspects of the century seems like a natural progression to their identities. But I don't think Ellis ever really commits to that. I'm not even sure what "the ghost of the 20th century" means. But I love it and even if it's just Anna Hark's personal manner of referring to the man who tried to stay hidden as he also created a super secret world organization, it's pretty fucking great.

Elijah lets Anna know that he met a witness who saw her working with Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four at City Zero and he won't stand for it. He wants to work with her to keep the world safe. He wants to befriend her and her organization, utilizing her secrets for the benefit of the world. But he needs to know that she'll turn against Nazi Fantastic Four. She says there's always been a Hark to make sure the sun comes up and she implies that working with The Four may have been her only option to keep peace in the world. But now Elijah is offering her a better choice. Maybe work with the team that didn't choose a symbol that's basically an unfinished Swastika, hmm?

If I were Elijah, I'd be nervous about this meeting because what if these two had some kind of weird sexual history that he's yet to remember?!

While discussing how Wilder, the man who became a Shiftship Engineer by stepping on an ancient sacrificial stone, Hark alludes to Jakita Wagner being an orphan brought into Planetary by Elijah Stone. In a previous issue, Elijah³ mentions how Jakita is older than she looks. I still suspect she's the daughter of the woman saved by Alternate Dimension Incredible Hulk just at the edge of the Gamma Bomb's explosion mentioned in the introductory story published in, um, Gen-13 or something?

Hark smiles at Elijah which apparently means she agrees to work with Planetary. It's a bit maddening that they understand each other on this level. It's like when somebody hangs up a telephone in a television show without actually saying goodbye or indicating that the conversation is over in any way. Am I the only one that bothers? Or is that how people actually do things?!

After Anna smiles, Elijah calls in her orphan employee Wilder so she can see what's become of him. They hug and Elijah looks on like the Ghost of the 20th Century before disappearing to haunt somebody else for a bit.

The Ranking!
Since Elijah's memory returned and he decided he was done running, he's pretty much just began collecting his army, either by outwardly recruiting them or by simply making sure everybody in his organization are well taken care of so that they'll back him when four godlike shits hit the fan. I know the final issue is some kind of epilogue so that leaves ten more issues for the final confrontation. I figure Ellis and Cassaday will need a full issue for the Randall Dowling battle and another full issue for the William Leather battle. But I think Alternate Dimension Thing will go down fast, maybe he's already even dead from his transformation. We haven't really seen him yet and I don't remember much about him except I think he doesn't play a major role in the climax.⁴ Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm feels like she'll go down quick. Somebody will call her a Nazi and punch her tits off and that'll be that. Anyway, according to the next cover, Elijah Snow suplexes a sabre-toothed tiger!




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¹ The whatnot does not indicate that I had anything else to say. It is, in fact, the exact opposite. I had run out of things to say but didn't think a list of two things was enough. I mean three things. I can count.
² I really need to work on my metaphors.
³ Or somebody. It's the forest that my brain remembers. It doesn't give a fuck about the trees.
⁴ I can't wait to find out though. Maybe I should write shorter entries so I can read more than one comic book per day!

Planetary Loves JLA: Terra Occulta #1 (November 2002)

Why didn't Planetary make the cover of their own comic book?

Planetary/JLA: Terra Occulta (November 2002)
By Warren Ellis, Jerry Ordway, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by Jerry Ordway
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Is this going to be an addendum to Planetary #10, "Magic and Loss"? Or is this just an "Elseworlds" story that might have happened if Baby Superman wasn't murdered by William Leather and Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm didn't obliterate Alternate Dimension Wonder Woman as soon as she stepped off Paradise Island? Nobody really cares about Green Lantern which is why now Batman's making an appearance. Or, more probably, Batman didn't exist in the regular Planetary series which is how Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern all died. If Bruce Wayne had been around, he would have made sure those things didn't happen. Yes, even Baby Superman being killed. I'm sure Baby Bruce Wayne was already more than capable of saving Baby Superman's whiny ass.

Should I be wondering how William Leather killed Baby Superman when Baby Superman was baby invulnerable? Or is the answer simply, "Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four are basically gods so shut up you virgin douche"? Jesus. Sorry for being curious, whoever gave me that answer!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman writing a letter home to mother while sitting on a park bench and every creep in Gotham stares at her as they go past. I don't know if that was a creepy note in Ellis's script or the creepy way that Jerry Ordway views the world. Or was I supposed to think, "Wonder Woman is so beautiful that men can't resist trying to look up her skirt," and not, "Those men are disgusting perverts. Mostly because they're old men in business suits so you know they're gross and not because they're looking up Wonder Woman's skirt which is a perfectly natural thing to want to do."

Fucking old men. So disgusting!¹

The way you can tell this is an Elseworlds story is that the cars are all air foil hovercrafts like in Richard Bachman's The Running Man. Oh, and also how Wonder Woman is alive enough to write a letter to her mother instead of too dead to write a letter to her mother.

The park bench Wonder Woman's practically flashing her netherparts on isn't actually in Gotham. She's heads to Gotham later through a "Planetary Portal" instead of by train. That gives me a hint about this world being one in which Planetary has taken decisive action to make the world a better place instead of letting Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four destroy it through their influence. Which probably means Batman will be all, "I don't like that there's a shadowy cabal of four godlike figures manipulating the world! I bet we could have a better world if it wasn't for them!" That's called Dramatic Irony because we, the readers, know that if Planetary wasn't in control, Batman's world wouldn't have teleportation and hovercrafts; it would have dead baby Superman and exploded into mist Wonder Woman.

New York is bright and full of creeps in business suits which means it's probably better than Gotham which is dark and full of creeps in moth-eaten clothing and fishnet stockings. So at least that's the same across dimensions.

Is The Drummer following Wonder Woman or Popeye?

Wonder Woman goes to a party thrown by Bruce Wayne where a couple of the guests are discussing an "activation loop" and a "timetrack" and the theory that the loop goes back to the point of activation but another theory surmises that there's actually a secret activation point begun earlier which Bruce Wayne paid for and controls and I'm reading this and I'm thinking, "Is this one panel where these guests are discussing this where Shane Carruth got the idea for Primer?! I'm not even entirely sure what they're talking about but that's probably why my brain, only knowing about the things it knows, thought, "Are they discussing Primer two years before it existed?" Now my brain, being trained on In Search of... and books about weird legends & lore and The X-Files and Dungeons & Dragons and Coast to Coast AM is now thinking, "Was Primer real?"²

Because this is an Elseworlds book where Wonder Woman exists as a non-spray-of-red-mist alongside The Drummer (probably all the rest of Planetary too but I don't have proof of that yet³), the partygoers are probably talking about a device that deals in alternate realities and multiple timelines. Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne maintains a "ghost timeline" which will probably be explained but I'm guessing it's the actual Planetary timeline. If I'm wrong, understand that this is speculation as I read the comic book. Don't be like that asshole who read my New 52 Justice League International annual or whatever where I speculated about potential plot threads not being picked up (and which I mentioned being wrong about by the end!) and comment on this by saying, "What are you? A fucking stupid piece of shit? Didn't you read the solicits which explained that the next issue of Blue Beetle will follow this thread you said they wouldn't follow? Fucking moron. Stupid idiot. You should kill yourself." But if you are going to be like that person, know that I'll use you as an example of one of the dumbest assholes on the planet for the rest of my life.

Wonder Woman's main super power in this reality is attracting weird creeps.

Bruce Wayne played by Phil Hartman.

Bruce does the "I'm a total letch who drinks too much and aggressively hits on every woman I meet" bit to counteract any suspicion that he might be Batman. Just like Clark does the "I'm a total klutz with terrible eyesight whose best friend is a huge nerd" to counter the accusations that he's just Superman with glasses on. I don't know how Diana Prince hides her identity. Maybe it's the "a woman who wears clothes that don't show almost everything" so creeps won't be all, "I recognize the shape of those nipples and the outline of those labia!"

Throughout Bruce and Diana's conversation at the party, the word "wonder" is used about eight thousand times but nary one mention of a bat. Maybe it's just a coincidence that Bruce is all, "I 'wonder' what it would be like to fuck a 'woman' like Diana Prince?" Diana does not respond, "Shameless, Bruce. At least 'bat' an eye while trying to 'man'handle me!" And then Bruce is all, "Let's go back to my place, 'Wonder' 'Woman', so we can secretly meet up with 'Super' 'Man' since I'm 'Bat' 'Man'!", while doing quote fingers around each word. That's when Diana is all, "Oh shit. Sorry, Bruce, my lasso got wrapped around your leg!"

Bruce and Diana are convinced that their acts are fooling the secret rulers of the Earth who have been spying on everybody with spy satellites. But once they slip into Wayne Manor to pretend to fuck, they drop the act because the house is bat-shielded from surveillance. Also, Batman planned this party on the night that Planetary's satellites wind up in a position where a man flying from Metropolis to Gotham cannot be observed for six full minutes. Obviously Planetary is aware of this "mistake" because The Drummer's already on Wonder Woman's tail. Or Popeye's.

Bruce has been investigating Planetary and hacked into their systems to discover some shocking truths that are only slightly different from the actual shocking truths committed by Alternate Dimension Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in the alternate dimension. Planetary shot Ma and Pa Kent in the back of the head, stole the Kryptonian ship, and flooded Smallville to hide evidence of their involvement. Planetary firebombed Paradise Island just as Wonder Woman left to join Man's World. They dissected Barry Allen to steal his superspeed to use for Planetary's version of Fed-Ex. They murdered Raymond Palmer to steal his shrinking ability to use for medical advancement in micro-surgery. They claimed the Green Lantern ring after they blew the shit out of the wearer in Tunguska. All of these things were done by Planetary to advance technology and help the advancement of the human race⁴.

What are we doing here, Ellis?! Are you trying to make me rethink my feelings toward Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four from the regular series?!

I haven't finished the story⁵ so I can't say exactly what's going on here. I only have the pages so far to go on and Bruce Wayne's point of view. If I believe that Bruce has accurately depicted what's happening then I have to believe that Planetary is no better than Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four when in power. But we know, from the regular series, that that isn't the case. What I suspect is that Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four also existed in this reality but were stopped by Planetary. I suspect that in this reality, Elijah Snow never succumbed to the mental blocks by Dowling and continued to fight them. I believe they stopped Leather from killing Superman. They stopped Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm from killing Wonder Woman. But they did not stop them from killing Barry Allen or Raymond Palmer or Green Lantern. What they did do, probably, was take the information gathered by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four and used it to make the world a better place. So Bruce only actually has half of the story. The Artemis Project was so secret (and possibly so utterly destroyed by Planetary) that Bruce has found nothing about it. So he can only suspect that Planetary is the cause of all of the evil shit that's befallen people with super powers.

I don't know who killed Bruce's parents in this reality but I'm sure it will be worked into the plot.

Oh, the other option, of course, is that Bruce is exactly right and Planetary without an obvious evil nemesis would itself become corrupt in its power. Or maybe in this reality, Elijah Snow wasn't able to kick Dracula's dick off and was turned into a vampire. Or maybe . . . well, there's just too many maybes to go through, actually. I should probably just read the stupid comic book.

Bruce can't help speaking in DC Comics. "As a 'teen', I was a 'titan' of industry but an 'outsider' in all other ways. I knew to prevent 'doom', I would have to 'patrol' religiously."

The crazy guy from earlier talking about the plot of Primer is a scientist named Erdel working on time travel. While Bruce explains to the others how Erdel began working on time travel, Ellis drops an idea that I used to talk about a lot. I think it's a thing that to Ellis and anybody who has thought about it, it seems obvious so Ellis doesn't waste any time really going into it. But it's an idea that I only ever saw become mainstream for a blip of a moment when Patton Oswalt re-Tweeted somebody who mentioned it on Twitter as if it were the first time anybody had ever thought of it.

Technically the bomb would have been in front of the Earth if moved through time. Idiot.⁶

Obviously a time machine would also have to be a space craft. Or be programmed with some kind of momentum to wind up in the correct place in space where Earth would be at that time. Imagine sending a monkey back in time and at the exact same moment something enters the Earth's atmosphere and explodes in a great fireball. Coincidence or did the monkey sent back into deep space float around for fifty years until Earth caught up to it and crashed into it? Is all that Russian dash cam footage of objects exploding in the sky as they enter Earth's atmosphere actual evidence of time travel?! Probably!

When the league trying to get justice enter Erdel's lab, they find he's already started up his time machine while muttering, "Bastards! I'll show you!"

Is he talking about the bullies that gave him so many swirlies as a kid that his hair wound up in permanent Einstein disarray?

Planetary calmly watches from space as Erdel's machine blacks out half of Gotham. It then runs out of control to bring a Martian from seventy-five million years out of the past. Several ammonites drop out of its ass as it curses its own Martian god. It begins to suffocate since it's shapeshifted to breathe the atmosphere of a very different prehistoric Earth. As the alien lies dying, Ambrose Chase teleports in to see what's going on. He seems surprised to find Clark Kent there. Maybe a little scared too.

Superman manages to push Ambrose Chase into Erdel's time loop and then Bruce shuts down the machine with a Waynearang. After that, the "league" seeking "justice" use Ambrose's teleporter to travel to Planetary's base on the moon. Mere seconds after arriving, Clark is ejected into space where he can't fly or breathe. Elijah threatens the others that they'll get the same if they don't tell him where Ambrose is. As if anybody knows where Ambrose is. Probably floating in space somewhere slowing down time so that his last breath might last an eternity.

Diana runs around the base until she finds trophy evidence that Planetary is as terrible as Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four.

They've been 'incorporated' in stasis cells to the ends of 'infinity'.

I say "stasis cells" but obviously Hal Jordan has taken one to the dome so it's probably more like jars full of formaldehyde.

Jakita explains to Diana Prince that in this dimension Jakita basically is just an insert for Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm, Kim Süskind. She's all, "We're genetically better than everybody else and your island's science and socialist belief in community wasn't welcome in our world. So I had to destroy it and now I'll destroy you." But while Jakita speaks, Diana manages to remove all of her clothes. That's when I'm all, "Oh! I recognize the outline of those labia! Wonder Woman!"

While the women fight, Bruce Wayne finally gets to reveal what drove him to becoming Wayneman.

Dun dun DUN!

Is this issue going to end with Elijah Snow waking up in a cold sweat and thinking, "Whew! We have to be extremely careful not to become the Four ourselves!"?

When Elijah Snow confronts Bruce Wayne, he says, "This is the human adventure. And your not all good enough to come along." I think that's exactly what one of The Four says in the regular series. You know, just to make sure the readers understand what's going on here and why Bruce Wayne gets to be the good guy even going up against Planetary. But also, this is why this is an Elseworlds book!

Bruce defeats Elijah but then Elijah is all, "I know you can't kill and you'll have to kill me to be safe!" But Elijah forgot this is an Elseworlds title and Batman can often kill in Elseworlds titles. But also Wonder Woman defeated Jakita off-panel and then came over to help Bruce kill Elijah because, you know, Elijah was right. Bruce can't kill. I mean, he did just kill Elijah by subduing him and then not telling Wonder Woman to not kill him. But at least he didn't get his hands covered in blood. The semantics of being able to say you don't kill are really all that's important. Batman can be responsible for the deaths of thousands of people but as long as he can say he hasn't killed anybody and have that be technically true to the most pedantic of assholes, everything's right with the world.

I mean, Clark's dead but who fucking cares, I guess?

The Ranking!
A fun little Justice League book that was probably meant to be, "What if the Justice League had to deal with The Four because Planetary didn't exist?" But nobody would know what the fuck "The Four/Justice League" would have been about. It's more fun to just pit Bruce, Diana, and Clark against Elijah, Jakita, and Ambrose. And I guess The Drummer although what the fuck happened to him? I assume he was either caught by Diana as he followed her, murdered, and shoved into a dumpster. Or he actually was following Popeye and that's a whole different story. Did Ellis ever write it?! I don't have the Batman/Planetary book. Am I also missing the Planetary/Popeye jam?!


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¹ Goddammit! I just hurt my own feelings!
² Another conspiracy theory: older men's brains get super fried by conspiracy theories because they have less interruptions from their penis which normally balances how long they can think about something which cuts off the brain's ability to convince itself of truly stupid shit. So males are generally too perverse, sexist, and horny, or they're fucked up freaks who have lost the tether on reality. This especially takes hold when society has gotten so off-balance according to gender power dynamics that men can't help thinking that, just because they're men, they're the rational ones. This leads to them believing any thought that goes through their head because why would a great intelligent, logical, and rational mind think an irrational thought? The evidence of my theory is the current state of America in 2026.
³ I'm not counting Ambrose, Elijah, and Jakita on the back cover because those are spoilers for weak people who read back covers.
⁴ And line their pockets, probably.
⁵ Sure, I've finished it before. But by not remembering anything that I experience, it's like I haven't actually finished it.
⁶ Even as I call Bruce Wayne an idiot here, I've got that "I'm too old to be 100% sure about anything" feeling nagging at the back of my head that I've completely fucked this up. But if the bomb goes into the past, Earth would be further back along its orbit at that point in time. The bomb would end up in space where Earth would be in the future. So the bomb would be pumped "in front" of Earth. Right?! Am I the idiot?!

Planetary #15 (October 2001)

If this were on a British hillside, it would have a massive cock.

Planetary #15 (October 2001)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, Laura DePuy Martin, and Bill O'Neil
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by John Layman

Let's get ready to Dreamtime!

Was that disrespectful to the indigenous peoples of Australia? Can I be sued by Michael Buffer¹ for typing it? How many people in history do you think have shoved a didgeridoo up their arsehole? How many did it while somebody else fucked the other end? Were those questions disrespectful to the indigenous peoples of Australia?! Or do you think they'd read it and wink and go, "Roight on, me old China"?

I grew up watching Dot and the Kangaroo every time² it aired on Showtime in the late '70s. One of my main concerns while watching it was how did In Search Of... miss doing an episode on the Bunyip? It was fucking terrifying!

The main thing I remember about this issue is that Uluru turns out to be a sleeping giant who may or may not have been fucking a didgeridoo. It's hard to tell by the cover because Greased Lightning³ is standing in front of his crotch.

The issue begins telling the origin of the world through the eyes of the Australian indigenous peoples. Giants sang all life into being after the sun exploded into the sky and shit heat all over everything. Ellis may have been less vulgar in his telling but if you wanted to read his telling of it, you'd read his fucking telling. I figure since I'm just repeating what a white man from an imperialist nation is repeating of the legends of those his nation colonized, I wasn't going to respect the retelling even if it sounds like I'm not respecting the original source. But I am! By shitting on the retelling which stole the telling from the source!

The second beginning to the comic occurs when Elijah Stone and Jakita Wagner pay a visit to Ambrose Chase's wife.

I thought Jakita and Ambrose were fucking. That's not the kind of greeting you get from a wife of the man you were fucking! Was I mistaken?!

I guess if you're going to cheat on your wife, it's helpful to have a reality distorting power. You know what a reality distorting power also helps with? Convincing your wife to engage in a three-way. And not a Devil's Triangle three-way! The good kind!

Angie is Ambrose and Larissa's child, the one Ambrose held up over his head in an earlier issue. The one I assumed was Jakita's because I'm a gross pervert who assumes all coworkers are fucking each other. It's why I work alone. Don't worry about how you should parse that! Maybe I just love to masturbate. Maybe I'm too hot to work with people because we'd never get any work done. Maybe nobody wants to fuck me. Maybe it's none of those and I just learned a long time ago that the worst aspect of any job is always your coworkers and/or managers and/or bosses.

The third beginning of the story has Elijah calling up that Wilder fellow to see how things are going on the Planetary's Own Authority Shiftship Front and to ask him about his old boss, Anna Hark.

The fourth beginning has Elijah sitting on the side of a hill watching the sunrise (unless it's setting) with Axel Brass and talking about memories and old times.

What all of these short narrative threads come down to is this: Elijah Snow is doing research on his enemies. He's only got about a years worth of issues left to take them down. He needs to gather as much information as he can and build as broad a team as possible to formulate and execute a plan that will enable him to murder four gods. I wonder if he's going to recruit Angie. I bet she can distort reality too.

But the cover, and the first beginning, concern themselves with Australia. So it's time to get back to the main plot thread.

Captain Marvell was just some guy who was bored with life and decided to commit suicide by entering the Dreamtime.

The Four believe they're using the correct song to open a gate into the Dreamtime at Uluru. But they only have half the song. Since Elijah knows the other half and he also knows what will happen if the song is sung, he fires the rest of it into the Four's version. Instead of a gate opening, Uluru wakes up. The giant stands, head butts Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four's shiftship, and then goes back to sleep. The ship explodes and Elijah is all, "Before you can say it, that's not all I've got, Dowling! I've got so many more inches, dude! And girth!"

The Ranking!
I know! That was it! I guess this was just the slight rise in the graph toward the climax of the story. It'll probably go exponential from here being that basically not a whole lot happened, climactically, in the first half of the story because Planetary were archaeologists and what everybody who has never been fooled by an Indiana Jones movie knows, archaeology is fucking boring. But Elijah finally remembered his backbone and his testicles and was all, "How come we're letting assholes make the world a worse place? It's time to do something about it." Hmm, good idea, Elijah! I wish more people would start doing something about it! I know a lot of people think, "But what can I do?! I have no power!" But those people are also generally the type who don't call out their asshole relatives on social media. They continue to have relationships with terrible fucking people because they're family. You want to know what you can even when you have no power? Ostracize the assholes. Call them out on their behavior. Shun the motherfuckers, man! Shun, shun, shun! Shun like nobody's watching, baby! The amount of family and friends I have that I know are progressive and yet are still friends with terrible fucking assholes simply because they were friends with them when they were young makes me so fucking mad. Although what infuriates me more is how they just ignore how those people believe the worst propaganda and most racist shit. They just don't bring it up. They'd rather pretend their friend isn't a piece of shit rather than rock the fucking boat. But those friends? They say the stupidest garbage all the time. They're not worried about the boat capsizing! Kick those motherfuckers to the curb, man! Tell them to eat shit!

There's a reason I named this blog Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea a decade and a half ago!




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¹ I had to look up Michael Buffer's last name (somehow, I remembered Michael) by typing into the search engine, "Let's get ready to rumble dude". I think I had to pay royalties just to type that out.
² Seriously. Every. Fucking. Time.
³ Greased Lightning is a member of the Galactic Hero Corps, a team of heroes that my friends and I wrote about in our early 20s. We put out about eight issues of a 'zine with stories and art. Dan Santat did the art for our #0 issue convention special! If I could bother digging up all the action figures I made of the crew, I'd take a picture of Greased Lightning (a paint job on top of a Wonder Man figure) and you'd go, "Hey! That's the guy on the cover of this comic book!" If Michael Buffer can sue me, I'm going to sue John Cassaday.