Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #21 (Fourth Week of April 2018)

E!TACT! #21
Jesse Chris: A Grunion Guy Story, Eternity Girl #2, New Super-man #22, Detective Comics #978, Suicide Squad #39, Justice League of America #28, Action Comics #1000, Kick-Ass #3, Deadman #6, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


Jesse Chris
A Grunion Guy Story
By Grunion Guy

         "You guys are the greatest," proclaimed Jesse as he flipped his long blonde surfer's hair around his head in slow motion. "Who could ask for a better bunch of twelve male friends! So rad!"
         Jeremy Scaredycat looked askance and turned red. Everybody thought he was blushing because he loved Jesse so much. But he didn't love Jesse as much as he used to love Jesse. He loved Surf Country and hated Valleys way more than he now loved Jesse. Like thirty bucks more even.
         "Hey Jesse," devil's advocated Jeremy. I mean, he was about to devil's advocate. He was actually just getting Jesse's attention in the last quote. Also he believed his argument so maybe he was just the devil. But he didn't want people to know that he believed his argument so he was pretending to just be an advocate. "We should spray paint 'Valleys go home' all over the place because I'm tired of my shoulders being ridden over."
          "Oh, Jeremy," patronized Jesse in that way everybody but Jeremy loved. Simeon and Jacob and Terence and Sebastian and Philip and the other ones all loved it when Jesse looked at them like they were Italian dogs being told to roll over in French. "Render unto Brad what is Brad's. Duh!"
         "That doesn't make any sense, Jesse," replied Jeremy to the audible gasps of the other eight men at the table. I mean ten? Maybe some of them didn't gasp because their mouths were full of Jesse. You'll understand what that means after the next paragraph! "The waves aren't for Valleys! They're our waves!"
         "Oh, Jeremy," Jesse continued in that patronizing way. "This rad pizza is my tubular flesh. And the Mountain Dew is my blood, Brah. Duh!"
         After throwing up, seven of Jesse's friends said, "We totally understand why you said that!" They looked dumbly at Jesse like a French dog being told to roll over in Italian.
          "Man, this is my last dinner with you jerks!" cried Jeremy as he thought about how much non-Jesse's-flesh pizza he could buy with thirty bucks.
          "Well, why don't you leave the tip, what with all that thirty money you have," scowled Jesse but in a righteous way. "And Terence can deny having ordered the appetizers!"
          "What?! Why would you say that?" asked Terence. "And I didn't order them!"
          "Oh my goodness! How did he know you'd say that?!" cried Sebastian! "It's a miracle!"
         "He knew I'd say it because I didn't order them!" denied Terence.
          "Are you sure?" asked Philip.
          "Of course I'm sure I didn't order them! My stomach can't handle all that cheese!" denied Terence again.
          "Oh, to hell with this!" exclaimed Jeremy. "That's him! That one! The one in the Pacific Beach t-shirt!" Several Valleys rushed in to grab Jesse.
          "I got him!" yelled Brad!
         "Me too!" yelled Brad! It was a different Brad from the Valley than that first Brad from the Valley.
         "Oh no!" screamed eleven friends of Jesse! "Let's challenge them to a surfing contest!"
          "Put away your boards!" exclaimed Jesse as he winked at the camera. Later he surfed for everybody's sins. That was the exciting part. But the important part was that he made it through the tube three days later as all the bikini-clad onlookers watched in shock and amazement. Everybody always remembered him forever after that, especially the way he hated gay people.

The End!


Comic Book Reviews!

Eternity Girl #2
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

Rating: One of my favorite things in the world after Oreos are writers who tell people how to write. It's always so informative for people who think they want to be writers but aren't actually writers. Because if you're a writer, you write. If you're a person who wants to be a writer, you ask writers what it takes to be a writer. Luckily for my love of writers who give writing advice, Magdalene Visaggio (the writer of Eternity Girl!) drops some knowledge on us at the end of this issue: "[W]riting is about saying yes more than it is about saying no. Don't let your fear that your stuff isn't good enough stop you from listening to your instincts. You don't have to be a genius right when you start; spend time writing and figuring out what kind of writer you want to be, and then you'll know what ideas work and don't for what you are doing."

Let's see. I definitely say yes more than I say no, as people (for example, all editors) who constantly criticize my writing will attest. I definitely wasn't a genius when I started out (and have no expectation that I'm somehow growing into a genius the further along I go). I have spent time writing but I don't think I've spent enough time figuring out what kind of writer I want to be! Is that how writing is done? Am I supposed to have an image of me on the back cover of my first novel and write toward that? I want to be one of those guys smoking a pipe and banging tons of ladies. What's a look that says "I bang a ton of ladies!" since I don't think publishers actually let you stick a photograph of you banging a ton of ladies right on the back cover of your novel. And finally, I'm not sure if I'm following the advice of that last sentence because I'm still trying to parse it.

One more great piece of advice from Magdalene: "Live fearlessly, and honestly; this is the only life you get." That's pretty profound when you think about it. I mean, seriously. Think about it! Have you ever considered that you only have one life? I bet you haven't or else you'd be spending it smoking pipes and banging tons of chicks and/or dudes! If you aren't puffing away on a pipe right now feeling superior, you're wasting your life!

In my early twenties, I had that only life you get epiphany and stupidly told my current girlfriend. She, understanding my mind better than I did at the time, said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I thought it was obvious but I was apparently wrong because she saw my epiphany better than I did! Obviously what my mind was telling me in its stupidly grandiose way was this: "You probably need to break up with your current girlfriend." My mind was right but I was a naïve asshole who probably gave people writing advice and definitely shouldn't have told my girlfriend that thing that was basically code for "I need a new direction in life and some space and really need to change some things, especially one big relationship thing!"

I should probably review this comic book now. I'm not sure how I feel about this series after this issue. I liked the first issue but this one was just depressing. I'm starting to see how a book about a main character desperate to die can be a bit of a downer. The commentary on comic book continuity didn't help to make me feel any better by thinking, "Whoa! Was that post-modern? I think that was post-modern? What is post-modernity anyway? Is asking that post-modern?!"

Two point six out of five stars.


New Super-man and the Justice League of China #22
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-fi

Rating: This comic book is less fun than it used to be. Three point one stars out of six.


Detective Comics #978
By Tynion IV, Fernandez, and Kalisz

Rating: You might remember how I said I was going to stop picking up this book because I hate typing the IV on Tynion's name, right? Well I did it! I took it off of my subscription box at the local comic book store! But I still have a couple of issues to read in the stack. This is one of them. I haven't read it yet but ignorance has never stopped me from reviewing a comic book. I'm sure this one is as mediocre and Tim Drake heavy as the previous dozen. Two point seven stars out of twelve.


Suicide Squad #39
By Williams, Edwards, and Arreola

Rating: I finally dropped this book as well. It's a shame it's been mostly bad for the last six and a half years since, seeing it on the shelf in December of 2011 while in Phoenix, Arizona, it was the impetus that got me back into comics and reading The New 52. If I had to judge the past seven years based on the quality of comic books I've read since that moment, I'd say it was a bad decision to walk into that comic book store. But if I had to judge it on how much enjoyment it's given me through writing about comic books, it was one of the best decisions of my life. But now, I must finally break up with this comic book because Rob Williams writes terrible one-dimensional characters. He isn't as funny as he might think he is. I suppose he doesn't give a shit if his characters' quips are humorous or not. He just knows he gets the same dollar amount per page no matter how shitty the quality of each page. Well, I finally give a shit and I won't read this shit any more. Point five out of ten stars.


Justice League of America #28
By Orlando, Petrus, and Hi-Fi

Rating: Now that Lobo has left the team, I can finally read this comic book with clarity and objectivity. And it's not very good. For some reason, Orlando has decided that telling a good story is less important than stating a thesis and then restating that thesis and then grabbing the reader by the back of the neck and rubbing the reader's face in that thesis. I'm not sure why he even bothered to give the script to an artist. He could have just written "Inspiration is the most important thing in the world (after diversity, of course. But we covered that in the early issues)." The premise of this story is that super-heroes inspire people to greatness. That hasn't been the reality of comic books for decades (since Watchmen, probably?) but it's still a shared delusion that comic book readers all pretend to believe. Super-heroes aren't meant to take care of our problems for us because that apparently makes us weaker (although that's been the plot of every comic book since Watchmen. Probably); super-heroes inspire us to be as heroic as they are (except more heroic because we aren't invulnerable or good looking). But how could super-heroes be so inspiring if they didn't have inspiration as well? Nobody thinks up or does anything meaningful by themselves. Somebody has to do nothing but inspire before somebody else can think, "Oh! I hadn't thought of that! Now let me do all the real work while you go on singing or raising awareness or being famous or whatever." So super-heroes were inspired by a god of super-heroes whose existence they depend on. I guess without him, little Bruce Wayne would have just shrugged his shoulders after his parents were murdered and grown up to be another boring businessman.

Chronos has decided the way to defeat all the heroes at once is to kill Ahl, the god of super-heroes, with a magic brick. This is one of the few stories in recorded history that would be made better by a final revelation that it was all a dream. The other stories that would be made better by the dream revelation thing are the previous stories in this comic book series. Hopefully the final issue of Justice League of America will be Batman being awakened by one of his own long and painful farts. Then Alfred will walk in, make a sour face, and wave his hands in front of his nose before thinking, "That reminds me. Whatever happened to Batcow?"

One star out of seven.


Action Comics #1000
By lots of people.

Speaking of inspiration being the means to the end of itself, here's an eight dollar book with a bunch of stories all about inspiration! The stories within are best summarized by Geoff Johns and Dick Donner's story "The Car." It's about the guy who owned the car on the cover of Action Comics #1. The man's car is a metaphor for the man's life: he can either fix it or junk it. Superman gives him the option to make his life about helping make other people's lives better so they don't have to live the shitty life that led this man into crime. As Superman and the man speak, the guy says, out of nowhere, really, "Out on 45th, yeah. It used to get so hot, we always wanted to go swimmin' but there weren't no pool." As I read that, my eyes rolled and I blacked out for three minutes. "What the fuck was that non sequitur?" I thought critically. Sure, Superman mentioned the guy grew up in the orphanage on 45th. But who suddenly goes into some sort of nostalgic reverie over that comment? Shouldn't he just be like, "Yeah, I growed up there, Supes. What of it?!"

But being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know when dialogue that sounds unnaturally wedged into the story has been placed there to make a point later. So this man whom Superman lets go to fix his life or junk it chooses to fix his life by making the world a better place. And how does he do that? By breaking fire hydrants down on 45th so that the kids can keep cool! Thank God Superman is on the job to inspire people to make a difference! Can you imagine if those kids had to be a little too warm for a few weeks without this do-gooder's do-gooding?! I'm so glad Superman is out there inspiring us all to be our best selves!

Paul Dini's story, Actionland, is the best story because unlike Tom King and Scott Snyder and Geoff Johns and that Bendis guy, he doesn't think he has to be the smartest guy in the story collection. He just writes a dirty story about Mxyzptlk's sex life complete with rocket boners and purple-headed innuendos. I wonder how many young people will check this out of their elementary school library and get their first sexy time feelings reading this? They'll probably be confused and it will impact their sex life for decades after.

Brad Meltzer decides to twist the idea that everybody else came up with for this book: he has Superman inspired by the people he saves! But his story sucks because it didn't end with "I apologize for killing Sue Dibny."

Rating: I lied. This issue isn't about Superman being inspiring at all. It's, apparently, all about whether or not he's Superman without the red briefs. According to nearly every writer and artist in this issue, Superman's underwear is the most important part of Superman. And while some of them simply put the underwear back on him without saying much about it, Bendis seems to think his entire story hinges on mentioning it over and over and over again. I've never read Bendis so I'm now thinking, "This is what everybody raves about?" I'll simply assume this isn't his best work rather than assume it's typical of his writing. Although why would he write such overwrought pap for his big debut at DC? I'm not talking about the pages of underwear dialogue now. I'm talking about the prologue he's written for whatever he's doing next for DC. Once again we have a writer who believes their voice is so important to the comic book world that they have to bring about their vision of the Superman mythos by rewriting the entire thing. So welcome DoomsMongulod, the newest and worst nemesis Superman has ever faced! Working with Jor-el (because we haven't gotten enough reworking of Jor-el into a terrible person over the last few years (what is this fascination with making the previously glorified parents of superheroes into pieces of shit?)), Rogol Zarr (the Doomsday Mongul Zod Lobo mash-up) was the cause of Krypton's destruction in his quest to kill all Kryptonians.

Okay, maybe Jor-el wasn't part of this guy's quest. I should probably point out that Rogol Zarr simply says he promised Jor-el that he'd destroy all Kryptonians. That was probably meant as a threat and not a handshake deal. I just needed to add this paragraph because my facetiousness is hard to read in written texts to an online audience rabid to correct as many people as possible (whether they need correcting or not!).

58 stars out of 1000.


Kick-Ass #3
By Millar and Romita Jr.

Rating: Kick-Ass finally learns that she's not in a comic book. I mean, she is. But the premise is that she isn't. And she learns the painful lesson about reality this issue when everything goes to hell and she's captured by her nemesis. You can tell he's her nemesis because he looks different than all the other characters who pretty much look the same. That way when she encounters him, she doesn't have to think his name so the reader can say, "Oh! That's who that is! Her brother-in-law! There's no way I would have remembered." Now when Violencia appears, the reader can exclaim, "That's that guy! The really bad one! You can tell because he's covered in tattoos and piercings!" Then everybody in the coffee shop can scowl at that imaginary reader for shouting although it could have been worse. I almost made the reader shout, "That's the fucking cunt who almost killed Kick-Ass!" Then they really would have had a reason to scowl self-righteously.

3 stars out of 5. It might be standard Kick-Ass fare but I guess it's sort of entertaining if you've completely forgotten the premise of the first two Kick-Asses (which is also the premise of this Kick-Ass (I think. I've forgotten the premise of the first two)).


Deadman #6
By Neil Adams

Rating: Thank the stars this is the final issue so I don't have to feel compelled to buy another issue of this nonsensical garbage. I said "Thank the stars!" because I don't believe in God. But is thanking the stars any more reasonable than thanking God even when I don't believe in Him? Because now I sound like one of those wacky jerks from the seventies who believed in astrology and extra body hair and big orange vans.

Every cover of this series has had some kind of secret or special cover right up until this one. But I figure this one must have some kind of secret so I completely ruined it due to being convinced it was a Mad Fold-in. I'm still not positive it isn't so maybe I'll scan it into Photoshop and play around with it for a bit.

It's no good! I can't figure it out! I'm stumped as to how this cover is special. Maybe the fact that it's not special is how it's special! Maybe the only secret is the eye in Deadman's musculature?

Reading Deadman is like watching somebody have a stroke in slow motion. Did people at DC Comics simply accept the pages of this comic book without checking up on Neal? Editor Kristy Quinn must have been paid to not do her job. "Just accept whatever he turns in, Kristy," ordered DiDio as he wrote up a complaint to Human Resources about how long James Tynion IV holds eye contact. "It's not like he's going to come up with anything better on a second try. Did you read The Coming of the Supermen? No? Nobody did. Don't bother reading this either."

At one point during Deadman's "conversation" with Rama Kushna, he says, "You got no time to shut up and get on with it!" I have now spent longer contemplating the meaning of that line than the meaning of my own existence.

I think maybe this issue is a transcription of Neal Adams' personal conversation with God. Or maybe he's ranting at DC Comics for stealing all of his life's ideas and treating him like shit. Doesn't this sound more like Neal ranting at DC than Deadman ranting at Rama Kushna:

Neal: "Do you actually think I want to be here? You suck, you know that? This whole place sucks! If I could...I'd spit on you!"
More Neal, continued: "And you...you soulless witch...you have all my secrets and you hold them away from me!! I hate you...with a blue flame, Rama Bullpucky. You lie to me...and you compound your lies!! You're like a politician. You don't even know when you're lying."

Neal and/or Deadman seems angry at something but it's never really made clear. Nothing in this book was ever clear. It's the ramblings of a madman who gets to draw and say whatever he likes for a paycheck. I'm so fucking envious of Neal Adams right now! Who knew that by working hard your entire life at a job that earns you kudos and respect, a person can be rewarded with a paying soapbox to do whatever the fuck they want?! Why didn't somebody tell me this at twenty?! Instead, I've been on the non-paying soapbox trying to garner an audience by rambling like a madman! Stupid system!

Zero stars out of ten.

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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Praise the Lord by Everlast
There are as many versions of rap as there are versions of rock. Maybe more since rock only has the two types: "I love fucking girls" and "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." I guess if we think of "Prog Rock" as rock, we discover a few more kinds of rock themes, such as "Don't help poor people because it hinders their ambition," and "I read a book once and I'm going to tell you about it now." Some people think the only versions of rap and/or hip hop that exist are "We're about to fuck, baby" and "Let's kill some cops." But this is Everlast so we get the white variation on rap with this song which is "I got beats and can rhyme better than all the other n-words, yo!" I'm not a white rapper so I'm not allowed to say the n-word when I'm being a bit jokey. If I were writing a serious treatise on whatever serious people write about, I would totally use it. The only other time I'd actually use the word n-word is if playing it would help me win a Scrabble championship. And then I'd probably make it plural to get the fifty point bonus and also so I could play it by pluralizing the last word I played, faggot. Although, I bet Scrabble doesn't allow players to use the n-word and I'd lose in a challenge. But they have to allow faggot because I was using the British variation of it, of course.
       Anyway, this song by the jump around guy playing a character named Whitey Ford was written to express how great he is at writing rap songs (presumably all about how great he is at writing rap songs about how great he is). At one point, he compares himself to Edgar Allen Poe which I thought was super clever because I recognized that name as a writer of psychological thrillers and sado-masochistic porn. He also mentions farting in a line where some people catch the vapors. Is that old-time farting? Probably!
Grade: C.

Crocodile by XTC
This song falls into a sub-category of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me" because it's about Andy Partridge's wife who left him. I think. Aren't all the songs on Nonsuch about that? I suppose every song in existence could be about Andy Partridge and his divorce from his wife Marianne if I think about it for long enough.
       The problem with this song is that it's on an album where I love half of the songs so much that it causes me to dislike the other songs even more than I normally would. So "Crocodile" and "Holly Up On Poppy" and "Humble Daisy" and "Bungalow" wind up covered in my spit and invective because I'd rather hear "War Dance" or "Rook" or "The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead" or "Dear Madam Barnum" or "Books Are Burning."
       Also, I read up on this album a little bit and discovered that the supposed crocodile noises in "Crocodile" are actually just slowed down pig grunts. Being that I have no understanding of my emotional responses to things (if that emotional response is anything other than blind, angry hatred), I don't know if this impresses me or makes me feel like fool.
Grade: C.

18 Wheeler by Pink
Pink lets us know immediately in this song that we can't keep her down after which she makes me realize my categories of rock songs are completely sexist! Who knew I was sexist?! I certainly learned something today! Also maybe I'm racist and homophobic based on my Scrabble bit earlier!
      Anyway, Pink's song, "18 Wheeler," falls into the rock category of "I'm the girl that's not going to let you fuck her." So while my categories were sexist in their initial perspective, they still work, I guess. It's also a good example of how the "girl" and the "fucking" in my category are completely metaphorical. See, you thought I was really limiting myself in my categories while also being sexist, didn't you?! Well maybe you won't underestimate me next time now that I've pretended I knew what I was doing all along.
       Let me explain: the "18 Wheeler" is a metaphor for music producers. I think. And Pink is all, "You aren't going to treat me like a slave because I'll join the Underground Railroad. Choo choo!" Which might be a bit of an iffy metaphor, Pink. I mean, do you really want to compare yourself to a slave when you're a rock star? I suppose it isn't as bad as her song called "My Vietnam" in which Pink declares how helping feed the homeless one time in her life was as bad as Vietnam. At times, Pink can get really melodramatic.
       iTunes lists the album Missundaztood under the genre of "Dance & House." Who comes up with these things? I'm pretty sure this song is simply "Rock" or "Pop." It certainly doesn't make me want to dance. Especially when Pink pronounces "sword" as "suh-ward."
Grade: C.

Last Dance by The Cure
Most of the songs on Disintegration fall into a subcategory of "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." That subcategory is "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me because she drowned or something just as tragic. Maybe she just moved on with her life and left me to wither in my heartbreak and pain." This song seems to be about the death of innocence, or the dangers of living in nostalgia, or, maybe, about a man who murders a woman he once loved when they were children because she doesn't love him anymore. It's hard to tell because every song on Disintegration sounds as if you've just taken six Vicodin (it's the only opiate-based medication I've ever taken so it's all I can compare it to! Otherwise I'd probably say, "Five seconds on a morphine drip!" or "Three spoons of heroin!" or "Tea derived from steeping twenty-eight opium poppies!") and learned to listen to music through gauze while somebody sits by you, holding and caressing your hand, reminding you of the death of every pet you've ever had.
       Disintegration really is an album that probably did more harm than good hearing it at the time of my life I did. What I needed was an album that had songs like "How Many Times Does She Have to Tell You No, You Stalker?!" and "Take Control of Your Emotions, You Jackass!" and "Get on With Living, Dope!" Instead I discovered this album which was all, "Why?" and "How could she?" and "Maybe She Can Love Me If I Just Invest Even More Time Than I've Already Wasted!"
Grade: A+.

Some Fantastic by Bare Naked Ladies
I've never before noticed how much this song sounds like somebody simply hit a tempo button on an 80s keyboard before ad-libbing some goofy lyrics. Do all Bare Naked Ladies songs sound that way? I'm currently convinced the answer to that question is "How did I never notice it before?!"
      I was just goofing around when I came up with my rock categories but this song is another version of the "There's a girl I want to fuck but she won't let me." But instead of being sad about it, this guy is all, "If I think about it enough, I'll come up with some ridiculous plan to get her to sleep with me!" Then he lists all of those plans. I think if he had one more verse, it would be all, "I'll buy a van and remove the handles from the inside door before learning which bus you take to work after which I'll pull up and ask you if you can help me find my lost puppy. But first I need to learn where I can buy chloroform."
Grade: B-.

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Letters to Me!

KB writes: There really ought to be an annual Superboy Punch! to clean up continuity. There are of course conflicting opinions about what should be cleaned up, but maybe we start with the comics events that have pissed off a lot of fans, and see if the criticisms are valid, or if there are better versions of those events. Like, Barbara Gordon. There are differing opinions about whether she was better as Oracle in her wheelchair, but I think we can probably agree that the rapey aspects of "The Killing Joke" are worth retconning away.

My Reply: Isn't one of DC's big problems that they try a Superboy Punch! every few years? They should probably just leave everything alone. I especially don't think they should let fans determine what should and shouldn't be canon. They're the worst people to be in charge! Like if I were to write only stuff Doom Bunny wants me to write about, this blog would be full of recipes that didn't have any cheese unless it was cheddar and only in super extreme circumstances. Also if there are nuts in the recipe, there shouldn't be any chocolate. Also every plated recipe would look like an orgasming penis.

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KB Writes: The young have never heard of Chesterton's Fence. It goes as follows:

"In the matter of reforming things, as distinct from deforming them, there is one plain and simple principle; a principle which will probably be called a paradox. There exists in such a case a certain institution or law; let us say, for the sake of simplicity, a fence or gate erected across a road. The more modern type of reformer goes gaily up to it and says, "I don't see the use of this; let us clear it away." To which the more intelligent type of reformer will do well to answer: "If you don't see the use of it, I certainly won't let you clear it away. Go away and think. Then, when you can come back and tell me that you do see the use of it, I may allow you to destroy it.""

To put it differently, maybe very simple solutions rarely fix the world because the world is a complicated place. Much more often than not, the "wisdom of youth" is more aptly called "the Dunning-Kruger effect". All in all I think it's a good thing that Tynion IV doesn't have the power to remake the world in his image, because good Lord imagine all the fences he'd rip down all willy-nilly.

My Reply: I think Chesterton doesn't describe his paradox clearly enough, or he needs to work on it a bit more. Sometime in my early twenties, I took up the philosophy that if I really despised something, or something really annoyed me for seemingly arbitrary reasons, I should actually pursue that thing as if I were one of the mindless masses to see if I could understand the joy of that thing. It's why I wound up with my tongue pierced in my mid-twenties. Although that also came about as challenging myself to do something ritualistic so that I could, even if only symbolically, feel like I'd made some transition between childhood and adulthood. I suppose taking my cross country trip in my Volkswagen bus was that as well. And that was a good metaphor for my transition to adulthood since my bus broke down halfway across the country.

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KB Writes: Can I admit that I miss all your daily thousands and thousands of reviews? Not that I want you to subject yourself to that sort of suffering; we've got only one of you so we should keep you in good repair. But, I really did enjoy all the hard work you did. Have you ever considered re-reviewing Cullen Bunn's work to see if you like it any better years later?

My Reply: I miss doing all of those reviews as well! Which is why I'm doing this! I'm not sad to be reading far, far less comic books though. I've finally gotten back to reading actual books at a reasonable pace again and I'm enjoying it. Plus one used book costs as much as one twenty page comic which just makes me hate comic books even more than I do when I'm reading one by Cullen Bunn. Speaking of which, how dare you ask me to consider re-reading Cullen Bunn's comic books! I was just forgetting about Twat Lobo and now look what you've done? I'm bleeding from my eyes and anus!

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That's all for this week! I've forgotten my sign-out! Later, jerkos? That sounds about right!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #18 (First Week of April 2018)

E!TACT #18
Story Time!, Deadman #5, Kick-Ass #2, Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1, Justic League #41, Batman #43, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy!

STORY TIME WITH GRUNION GUY
"What If Pickle Boy Was the Writer and Grunion Guy Was the Assistant?"
By Grunion Guy

Grunion Guy was playing hockey like he loved to play because he was so physically fit. All the beautiful women were watching him and swooning. Also the ugly women who thought they had a chance with him because he was so sensitive and caring. He never pretended they weren't talking to him when they talked to him because some of them had really hot bodies. But then just as Grunion Guy was making the big play, he was hit in the head with the hockey thing! And even though Grunion Guy was super tough and rugged and manly, the hockey thing was hit with such tremendous force that it knocked him out for like no more than three seconds. But during those three seconds, he had the most horrific fantasy in his head!

[This is the part where the screen goes wavy and dark before opening on a brand new scene. Audiences should be a little bit confused but they've seen this kind of thing before, so you probably won't need to add a voice-over or captions to explain that we're now in Grunion Guy's fantasy!]

"Hey, dumby! Wake up and edit my new book, dumby!" Pickle Boy was standing over Grunion Guy, his bald head blinding everything around him which was a good thing because everything would be puking if they could see all of the sausage and egg bits that fell out of his breakfast burrito stuck in his goatee.

"Yes sir!" shouted Grunion Guy as he saluted and grovelled too. "I was just getting on that!" Grunion Guy sat up and glanced around for the book he was editing that had put him instantly to sleep. He finally saw the page on the floor, picked it up, and got back to editing it.

Eastworld
by Pickle Boy

"I am getting vacation!" sparked the protagonist who wasn't a robot. He robot danced to his suitcase and only malfunctioned twice on the way. "I go Eastworld today!" His name was Rob.

Tpn [svlrf yjtrr yord smf yep [sotd pg imfrterst/

"Oops!" thought Rob as he readjusted his fingers on the home row. "That's better!"

Rob decided to use the bathroom before catching the bus because that's what humans do. He pulled out his huge pecker which was totally a Mary Sue version of the writer's penis, just in case you weren't sure. Boy was it big! Pickle Boy big! It was the kind of pecker that peckers dream of having! Some would say it was the greatest and most human pecker of them all.

Before Rob could catch the taxi but after he had put his pecker away, the family pet died. It was so sad that the reader got super emotional. It really connected the reader to the story in a way that not having the family pet die doesn't do.

"Take me Eastworld," Rob told the train conductor. "Choo choo, righty-do!" said the Train Conductor. But then there was drama. "Wait. Are you sure you're a human? This train is only for humans!"

Rob smiled humanly. "What?! Of course I human! That almost insult but I think robots are nifty so then it complimentary!" Rob did the robot and winked. Choo-Choo the Train Conductor blushed. He could tell Rob had a great pecker.

The plane landed at Eastworld and Rob fell down the stairs. When he stood back up, half of his face hung off the metal frame but he hadn't noticed yet. But the audience noticed and were all shocked. This is dramatic irony! I learned about it from Grunion Guy who is the greatest writer of them all except when he's unconscious due to a hockey thing hitting his face.

"One ticket for human!" said Rob at the turnstile. The ticket taker was looking at the ticket in the way that ticket takers do. Then as the ticket taker handed the ticket to Rob, he saw Rob's robot skeleton. He screamed! Unless there have been too many male characters so far and then she screamed. Unless that's sexist and then I don't know what to do. Whoever directs the movie version can figure it out.

"What wrong?!" asked Rob, panicking as he did five million calculations in his head the way humans certainly must be capable of because wasn't he human? Wasn't he? Rob reached up and touched the part of his face that was hanging off the other part of his face. Then he felt the metal underneath and the horror dawned on him like the sun dawning on the day.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rob as he fell to his knees in front of the Statue of Liberty sunk in the ground. "NOOOOOOOO!" The Eiffel Tower was also there and maybe a pyramid. "NOOOOOOOO!"

His last thought before he died of shock was this profound thought: how do any of us ever lmpe ejp er trs;;u strz@

The End!

Grunion Guy woke up because the story was so bad! All the hot girls and the ugly girls with the hot bodies and even some hot girls with gross body odor were standing around him. "Is his pecker okay?" one of them asked as she was trying to pull down his hockey pants.

"Wait!" yelled the referee! "Grunion Guy won the game because the hockey thing bounced off his face and into the score!" Everybody cheered and Grunion Guy's pecker was just fine.

The Real End!

Comic Book Reviews!

Deadman #5
By Neal Adams

Each of the previous four covers of Deadman have had some sort of gimmick to them. One glew in the dark. One had a see-through lion image. One had secret writing. One had The Spectre formed from other characters or something. I don't totally remember that one for sure.

This one is apparently an homage to Highlights for Children.

When I first saw this cover, I thought Neal Adams had finally finished having the stroke he started having while writing The Coming of the Supermen. "Deadman find Ra's al Ghul!" It's not like it was any less coherent than most of his tweets on Twitter. But then I realized the tagline was a command and spent all of three nanoseconds searching for Ra's al Ghul. Couldn't Neal have made it any harder? It's obvious that Ra's is up Deadman's ass.

Now comes the real chore: trying to understand what's going on in the fifth installment of this comic book. The first issue was really confusing because it was poorly written. But every subsequent issue has been exponentially harder to understand, both because I have to first comprehend what is going on and because I have to remember it too! It would probably help if I gave an ounce of shit about this story. I'm surprised I don't since I like DC's mystical characters. But Neal Adams isn't really writing about them. From what I can tell, he's just colored a whole bunch of dog turd bags the same color as Spectre, Etrigan, Deadman, and Zatanna.

Deadman uses the adjective "Brobdingnagian." I bet Neal Adams was jerking himself off while writing that line. "This won't be wasted on a bunch of illiterate comic book readers," he probably thought to himself as he jammed the butt plug a little further up his ass. I hope later, Deadman meets a horse-faced woman and uses the adjective "Houyhnhnmian."

Everybody is gathering outside Nanda Parbat for a reason I've completely forgotten to try to remember. No, that's a lie. I actively tried to forget to remember. That's different, somehow.

According to some samurai that I don't recognize, the army attacking Nanda Parbat (why is it attacking? I don't think Neal Adams explained that part. Maybe he explained it. But poorly) is composed of armorers, yeti, deformers, robotoids, zombies and, um, "stupid things." Checking my Who's Who comic, I don't find an entry on Stupid Things.

I wonder how Neal Adams writes a comic book in which he's also the artist. Does he do the art first, drawing whatever strikes his fancy, and then tries to make a coherent story out of the panels? Judging by how incomprehensible the entire story is, I wouldn't be surprised if that was his method. But even if he plans the story out, his dialogue is terrible. At one point, the samurai attacks a deformer and says, "Remove the bones before you swallow the fish, deformer. They tend to get caught in your throat." Why does he say that? What's he referring to? Does the samurai get his strength from giving out life hacks?

It took me way too long to understand why Doctor Fate said that last thing. But I still don't get why Neal Adams would write it.

Rating: This was one of those issues that gets shoved in when DC Comics demands a six part story from a writer who only has two to three parts in them. It's just a nonsensical brawl that keeps the characters from entering Nanda Parbat one issue too early. Plus the dialogue is worse than Pickle Boy's dialogue. I don't mean the dialogue he writes. I mean the dialogue he comes up with over a few beers. Talk about strokes!


Kick-Ass #2
By Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.

Today is new comic book day so let's count how many comic books I read last week. One! That was easy! It also might be telling. Is it time for me to stop reading comic books again? There are a handful I still enjoy, like Batman and The Wild Storm. But the main reason I can't stop reading comic books is that I'm afraid to break up with my comic book store again. It's too much pressure going in there and telling them to cancel my subscription box! Last time I cancelled back in 2003, Debbie acted hurt and shocked, as if it were something the comic book store had done. So I actually told her, "It's not you; it's me!" What excuse do I give this time?! Maybe I should just have the Non-Certified Spouse call up and tell them I died?

As of right now, I'm three weeks behind on my comic book reading. In a few hours when this week's books come out, I'll be a full month behind! I'm getting my ass kicked by comic books!

Oh! Speaking of ass kicking, I found my way back on topic! Let's just rate this thing and move on to the next one, shall we?

Rating: Patience steps up her Kick-Ass game by caring about the little guy. This is how you become a superhero in real life (because this comic book takes place in real life. You can't forget that. Not because you need to remember it to understand the comic book. You can't forget it because Millar constantly says things like, "This isn't like a comic book!" and "This isn't like in the movies!" and "This isn't like a book written by [Google famous author to put here before sending newsletter]!"). You begin due to desperate circumstances and then project your problems and needs on to everybody else. If extreme violence can solve your problems so easily, why can't that be used to solve all of the other people's problems too?! Nothing can go wrong with that philosophy, right?!

Anyway, it was pretty good. Not $3.99 good! But what can you do? Comic books are ridiculously priced these days. I guess you can stop buying them. But then you have to do that break-up thing and my stomach is hurting just thinking about it!


Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye #1
By Rivera, Oeming, and Filardi

The last Cave Carson series was about his impotence. It's a pretty sweet read if you're smart enough to figure that out. If you aren't as good at reading comic books as I am then you might have missed the significance of a man obsessed with drilling over and over again into deep caves. Now you're thinking, "Grunion Guy, that doesn't sound like impotence at all! Don't you know how to do it?" And I'm return thinking, "Pshaw! Of course I know how! Why would I even feel the need to write fake dialogues where I assure readers that I've totally done it a lot? So ridiculous!" Also you must not have read the series because it was about how Cave Carson couldn't spelunk anymore. I think "spelunk" is short for "sperm dunk" with an "L" added for some reason.

Since the first comic book's title was an anagram for "I c-ca-can see a very-y chaste boner," I bet this title has an anagrammatic clue as well! Let's see. Cave Carson Has an Interstellar Eye is an anagram of "An anal character's eye is never lost". Methinks I'm most of the way to figuring out what this comic book is really about!

Also I've apparently become one of those people who says "methinks!" Get me a fedora, stat!

Rating: It's weird in that way things are written when they want to be weird. That's a harsh critique and not a compliment. Also maybe it's not as harsh as it could be. Maybe it's not harsh at all? Anyway, that scathing review doesn't mean the comic book is uninteresting. It's just not as interesting as it was when it was about Carson's impotency. I'm not yet sure what this series is about. Maybe about loss and maturity? The entire thing might be about grieving the loss of one's favorite pet. That isn't as sexy as a limp ding-dong! But I'll probably give it at least one more issue.

P.S. I wrote the ranking before reading the back-up story. After reading the back-up story about Cave Carson's podcast, I can confirm the series is about loss. And still maybe about the loss of a pet! I'm sure I can force that view into the narrative.


Justice League #41
By Priest, Briones, and Cox

Rating: This comic book deals with super powered people and aliens and space travel that ignores physics and the Justice League trying to deal with international conflicts and the entire team's institutional racism yet the most unbelievable moment was when some guy was excited to see Aquaman. It took me right out of the comic book. Otherwise, it was a fun read! Especially the part where Wonder Woman was somehow shot. Priest doesn't think she blocks bullets simply because they can actually hurt her, right? Ignoring Kerry Callen's take on Diana's bullet bouncing, she probably deflects them in specific directions so that they don't bounce off of her body and kill an innocent bystander in the way they just bounced off of Superman and killed her. My guess is one went into her open mouth while she was yapping about saving children. I bet the inside of her skin isn't invulnerable. How else could she derive pleasure from fucking Steve Trevor?


Batman #43
By King, Janin, Petrus, and Chung

Rating: I haven't discussed the last few issues of Batman because I've simply been enjoying them. I suppose if there are people out there who can't stand King's Batman, I can't be bothered to mind. Contrary to the evidence presented in thousands of pages of comic book criticism over the last few years, I actually do understand what 'subjective' means. And I can live with people not liking Tom King's writing style because that means Tom King's writing style is there to be experienced. He reminds me why I once loved comic books. He doesn't write a person in a costume. He writes a character who happens to wear a costume. His dialogue is fun and serious and touches one in a way that I thought was a bad touch but I think it's actually the kind of touch most people crave. The current arc is a love story disguised as a villain taking over the world story and it couldn't be better. That's hyperbole because of course it could be better. All of the characters could be drawn naked and aroused.

Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews

Get Your Shit Together by Public Enemy
There's something incredibly Shakespearean about Public Enemy's music. It's like when Chuck D is rapping, you're all, "Fuck man. Fuck. This is profound! This is fucking American truth man! This is crazy." Then Flava Flav starts singing and you're all, "Oh yeah! This Shakespeare loved cock jokes too!" Mostly you forget Flava Flav is a part of this group when they're singing about serious shit like this. Occasionally you'll heave Flava Flav's high-pitched, sidekick exclamations ring out and I can't help laughing. Then I feel terrible because somebody might think I'm laughing at the serious lyric, "What you gonna do? What'ch you gonna do? If you'd been on that plane, both sides would've killed you too!" Mostly though, Public Enemy really understands when to play up Flava Flav and when to downplay him. He's barely even a blip in this song. I imagine he was just bopping along in the studio as this track was recorded without ever realizing his mic wasn't turned on.
Grade: A.

Never Say Die by Jon Bon Jovi
Most Americans think Bon Jovi was a huge punchline to the joke of 80s rock music. But we all know why Bon Jovi survived the death of that 80s hard rock genre; it was because he was a master of sex appeal and also wrote really catchy songs! This song is from the soundtrack to Young Guns II which was almost as good as the movie itself! This might be the worst song on the album (aside from the one without lyrics, "Guano City." Who listens to songs without lyrics?! What a waste of time!) and yet I still don't skip it when it comes up on my shuffle. Because even the worst of the best is still good! Some might say I'm a Jovi Lover and they have a right to their totally correct and non-spurious opinions. Let me share the glory of some of Jon's triumphs in lyrical beauty:

"Once I was afraid of love
But when it's your brother those things change.
Love is just another word for trust!
So hear me when I say, 'Never say, "Die!"'
'Never say, "No!"'
You got to look them in the eye and don't let go!"

Wow! That just gets right to the heart of sex shop glory hole culture! It's right up there with "Love is a Social Disease" and "Shot Through the Heart" (not to be confused with "You Give Love a Bad Name" which uses the lyric "shot through the heart")! I'm not sure why Bon Jovi included an anthem for living with and fighting AIDS in the Young Guns II soundtrack. But it works somehow!
Grade: B.

Saturday's Child by The Monkees
"You'll be called 'The Monkees!'"
"What? Why?"
"But not monkeys like you're imagining it! Monkees with two 'e's!"
"What? Why?!"
"You don't like it? The other three guys we're interviewing for the band probably love it! You should to!"
"Well, as long as we play catchy pop tunes that make all the girls go wild."
"You mean 'pretend to play!'"
"Wait. What? Why?!"

That's probably how Mike Nesmith's job interview went, right? Anyway, what about "Saturday's Child", you're probably thinking. Well, I'm probably thinking, "What about it?! It's kind of stupid." I don't even know what a Saturday child is supposed to be! Did people used to not only believe personalities were formed by astrological signs but by days of the week as well? What makes Saturday's child not break your heart like Thursday's child? Why is Wednesday's child so aloof?! And Sunday's child is way too into commitment. I guess Saturday's child is the one that will sleep with you on the first date and not care when you never call again. Is that love?

It's also a bit weird to be singing about loving a child.
Grade: D+.

Ubangi Stomp by Alice Cooper
This is Alice Cooper's version of an Elvis dance song. Alice Cooper did a lot of versions of other people singing songs that already existed. People don't realize this but Alice Cooper was basically Weird Al Yankovic drunk out of his mind. This song is from Lace and Whiskey which is an album that most people could hear any song from, be told it was Alice Cooper, and they would say, "Fuck you that's Alice Cooper." I guess maybe "Road Rats" or "It's Hot Tonight" wouldn't get that reaction. But that's just twenty percent of the album. Nobody would hear this or "My God" or "I Never Wrote Those Songs" or "King of the Silver Screen" or "You and Me" or "Damned If You Do" or "Lace and Whiskey" or "(No More) Love at Your Convenience" and think, "I know who sang that!" Except maybe "You and Me" since it was basically Alice Cooper's last big hit of the seventies and also because he sang it to Miss Piggy on The Muppet Show. This song is catchy and I would dance to it if I actually knew how to do the Ubangi Stomp. It probably involves a lot of stomping and racism.
Grade: B.

The Simpsons Halloween Special End Credits Theme ("The Addams Family" Homage)
I don't know why I haven't deleted this from my iTunes. I don't know why I haven't deleted all of The Simpsons special themes from my iTunes. Probably because I'm lazy. I'm not too lazy to hit skip every time one of them comes up on the Shuffle though. If you hear a "song" like this and think, "I need to hear more of that a lot of the time I'm living this finite life," then we don't have much in common. I mean music-wise! We probably have more in common in other ways, like how often we masturbate or how many burritos we can stand to eat in one day.
Grade: F.

What Am I Currently Reading?

This week, I finished reading Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers. Mostly it was a rehash of a few of the first series episodes with some minor and not so minor differences. Lots of the dialogue was the same in places but Red Dwarf's captain was a woman named Kirk rather than a bloated man with a pockmarked face. We also learn how Lister became a crew member and that his breaking of quarantine by smuggling the cat on board was done on purpose so he could be in stasis for the entire trip back to Earth. It was an easy and enjoyable read that actually made me laugh out loud in places which the television show doesn't really do any more. Well, maybe it does. But the way laugh tracks have aged makes viewing of old sitcoms really fucking difficult.
    What reading this book has taught me is that maybe the Xanth books aren't such quick reads after all! Either I'm not as big a fan of fantasy as I was at twelve when titillating descriptions of naked creatures caused me to take a short bathroom break (and that scene where Dor and Irene rip each other's clothes off in the moat in Centaur Isle probably fueled more bathroom breaks than any other bit) or the Xanth books just aren't as entertaining as I remembered them being. It's a slog to get through a Xanth book. I had to force myself to try to read at least one chapter every morning before bed (I work nights!). But I kept going back to the Red Dwarf book even when I could have been playing Fortnite! If you don't know what Fortnite is, that was meant as high praise!
   Next up on my to read list is Spiral by Koji Suzuki. It's the sequel to Ringu which everybody knows about. I think I'll reread Ringu first because it took so long to find the second book. Ringu was written in 1992 and it might be the best book on memes I'll ever read. Mostly because I'll never read another one.

Letters to Me!

KB writes: My mom took us to see Godspell on multiple occasions. ::shudder::

My reply: Ick! I hate when people equate Jesus Christ Superstar with Godspell. Although I think I owe my love of Jesus Christ Superstar to Godspell. At some point as a kid, I saw the end scene of the Godspell movie where Jesus Christ is crucified to a chain link fence by a bunch of clowns while the World Trade Center sits in the background mocking modern audiences. I was all, "What the heck was that?! It seems awesome!" The visual stuck in my head for years. I also knew the title song of Jesus Christ Superstar thanks to grocery store background music. I assumed the two were one and the same. After years of having that song and image stuck in my head, I eventually dug out my mom's VHS copy of Jesus Christ Superstar (taped from television, of course) and watched it. It was not the movie I remembered but I fell in love with it anyway. I loved the music and was fascinated by the sympathetic take on Judas.

Eventually I watched Godspell as well and was not taken in the same way. I also saw Godspell at least once in the community theater version because my friend Doom Bunny was doing the lights for it.

KB:

"took nine hundred and ninety nine comics but Superman finally realized that throwing criminals into the Phantom Zone was a dick move. His first (and possibly only?) step in correcting this attitude is letting Hank Henshaw out. After which Superman immediately imprisons him in an Inertron cell (unless it's Adamantium) and puts him into a hallucinatory state so he won't cause trouble. Jurgens seems to be telling this tale to show that Superman is too good to be corrupted like, in the other half of the story, Sam Lane fears."

So, using Black Mercies is evil, but a hallucinatory condition isn't? Though there is an interesting discussion to be had about whether it's merciful to let people live in blissful delusion. Even if you were to construct a hallucinatory setting where Hank Henshaw could grow as a person until he decided to foreswear evil, what happens when you yank the rug out from under him and tell him it's all been a lie? I guess that's an argument about practical application more than about morality, but it's still a question.

"Although, to be fair in a fairer way, Superman's foes always seem to escape from the Phantom Zone just like Batman's enemies escape Arkham. So Superman can either follow the law and the villains he captures will still escape, or he can imprison people illegally while they still manage to escape. Since nobody can keep a comic book villain locked up, Superman should at least choose the option that doesn't make him look like a fascist."

Gold kryptonite used to be a solution, yet Superman almost never used it. "Look, you lived your whole life on Krypton without super powers, you can live here on earth just fine without powers too. Trust me, you'll love the Denny's Grand Slam. And you can probably get rich going into tech companies. Stay away from Lex Luthor though, he'll probably want to vivisect you."

Me: Basically, I think DC's view is that if Superman does it, it's okay. If some other character who we aren't told by DC that everybody but Batman and Lex Luthor can trust implicitly for some reason does it, it's terrible and should be stopped immediately. That Gold Kryptonite solution seems particularly troublesome and hypocritical. If Superman thinks Kryptonians who abuse their powers don't deserve them, shouldn't he take the same hard line on himself? As soon as he realizes that he's constantly being manipulated to use his powers against Earth through magic or hypnosis or Joker serum or Doomsday viruses, shouldn't he also expose himself to Gold Kryptonite so he loses his powers forever? I suppose he has an imaginary whiteboard in the Fortress of Solitude where he keeps a list of all the pros and cons of keeping his powers. Once that list tips too far into the cons, he probably has a Gold Kryptonite suppository set aside.


Upright writes: Did you ever check out Anthony’s Bio of a Tyrant series? The only thing I remember is that Jupiter was the U.S., Saturn was the USSR, and Earth was India (weird). And a missile crisis, because Saturn, of course. And the guy was a tyrant but totally misunderstood like so many of them are! We can’t think beyond the present unless you can and then you’re Philip K Dick and he’s crazy until he’s absolutely not at all.

My reply: I never did pick that up. Which is weird because I read almost everything else Anthony churned out (for some reason. Let's not be too hard on twelve year old me! He may have been a smelly, know-it-all jerk but...well, maybe we should have all been harder on him, actually). Maybe since I'm reading all of his terrible stuff again, I should read some of his terrible stuff that I never read before!

Speaking of Philip K. Dick, I'd read more of his stuff but I can't remember what I've read of his and what I haven't. I really should have kept a list. Since he became so popular again in the whatever years he became really popular again, publishers seem to reissue his stuff over and over again. It's hard to tell when I see a bunch of new covers which ones I've read. Maybe I should just hit the library and go through them all. Then when I recognize I've read one, I can just return it without costing me anything! Except for the late fee I'll almost certainly accrue.

And that's a wrap on this week's newsletter! Goodbye, jerkos!

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #14 (Second Week of March 2018)

 

E!TACT! #14
Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt #1, Deadman #4, Michael Cray #5, Suicide Squad #35, Detective Comics #974, Justice League of America #24, Sideways #1, Action Comics #997, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Zero Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Thanks to my stupid quarter anniversary issue, I've fallen way behind on my comic book reading! I could probably blame other things like video games and my absent father but I don't want to sound like a whining loser. I want to sound tough and industrious! "I was too busy writing something else to write my opinions on the shittiest of pop culture's offerings!" That was a quote exemplifying the industrious part of the illusion. Here's the quote showing off the tough side: "Fuck everybody! I'll punch them square in their jaws!" Whoa! I wouldn't mess with me!

This would normally be the newsletter where I read eighteen comics in one sitting and offer up a dick joke or two for each book. But the top book on my list is Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt. How the fuck am I not going to write an in-depth explication of a book co-authored by Scott Snyder and Grant Morrison?! Now the bulk of this newsletter will be taken up by this bullshit and I won't be any closer to shortening my stack of unread filth and disappointment! Fuck you, Grant Morrison! I'll punch you square in the jaw!


Dark Knights Rising: The Wild Hunt #1
By Snyder, Morrison, Tynion IV, Williamson, Porter, Jimenez, Mahnke, Mendoza, Hi-Fi, Sanchez, and Quintana

The story begins with Detective Chimp quoting Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living." I can see why some people would throw roses into this statement's face but I have a problem with it, in the context of when it was supposedly spoken. If the choice is exile or death, why can't I choose exile without looking like I sold out on all of my principles? Can't I still examine things in exile? Surely the boys I corrupted could check out books for me from the library and bring them to my cave where I spend fifteen hours a day masturbating. Even if they couldn't, isn't masturbating fifteen hours a day better than death? Don't answer that, you prudes! It totally is.

Of course, I'm ignoring the fact that Socrates believed in an afterlife. I suppose if I was positive there was another world after this one, I wouldn't have to wait to be sentenced to death for corrupting the Tumblr youth with my problematic and sexy ideas. These wrists would be gushing blood as I ran about the neighborhood telling the children, "Death is easy! Life is hard! And I'm pretty fucking lazy, so, you know." The afterlife couldn't be any worse than this farce of a capitalist democracy in which I indulge in every creature comfort but still drown in existential angst because I have to pay rent and cook my own meals, could it? Unless the afterlife is worse than a farce of a capitalist democracy and is a farce of a fascist military state! Oh man. Now I'm even more afraid to die than I was five minutes ago (where I was at my peak fear of death. In five minutes, it will probably be a new peak fear of death. That trend should continue right up until I think, "What is that nois....").

Back to Detective Chimp, I don't think Socrates was saying life wasn't worth living unless you were a detective examining crime scenes. I think Dr. Chimp is being a bit flippant about the quote. But then this is Snyder so the quote will probably prove to be important later which is why it had to be uttered now as a non sequitur. I mean, I guess it's not a non sequitur since it's simply the first thing the chimp utters. It's actually the beginning of the story because Detective Chimp is investigating who said the quote and why he can't remember who said it. If only he had access to Wikipedia, this comic book would be over! But chimps aren't allowed to use the computers in the library because they would spend fifteen hours a day masturbating there.

Detective Chimp remembers how he escaped from the circus only to team up with Rex the Wonder Dog. That means I need to reassess who the main writer on this book was. Must be Morrison! You know, because an old comic book character has now been resurrected. Also because I'm finding the story interesting and entertaining!

Rex leads Detective Chimp to the Fountain of Youth which also happens to be the Fountain of Smarts. As soon as Detective Chimp learns to think past the constant rage that makes him want to tear the faces off all the patronizing furless apes he's ever met, he discovers that all cruelty stems from a lack of imagination. I don't know. The Inquisition came up with some pretty imaginative ways to be cruel. He equates a lack of imagination with "anti-music!" That totally sounds like Morrison. I hope that doesn't mean that's the end of his section because then I'm left with reading shit by James Tynion IV and Joshua Williamson. I'm bored just imagining the anti-music those jerks came up with.

It's also possible Morrison got a co-writing credit simply because this story is using so much of his Multiversity shit. I don't know everything! More like I know everything minus X where X is a pretty low number. Unless not knowing things is what makes a person smart! No, no. That makes a person wise! So knowing things that I know I don't know makes me the wisest person of them all. Is that how that works? You know I'm wise because I pretend I'm not? Cause I totally am not wise. Way dumb, me! I mean, am I smart because I know stuff or wise because I don't know stuff? Can nobody ever actually have an 18 Intelligence and 18 Wisdom? Fucking Dungeons & Dragons. Lied to me yet again!

This would probably be the new blog header if I cared about updating the blog.

T.O. Morrow has determined that something cosmic is happening because the immutable laws of physics are changing. To demonstrate this, he uses the most immutable law of physics around: the boiling point of water!

Excuse me while I slam my face through my office window three or four times. Okay, actually just once. I need more windows in here.

Since none of my readers are conservatives, I don't need to explain why I just destroyed my beautiful face out of frustration. Let's just move on.

Detective Chimp has been trying to guide Flash, Raven, and Cyborg to the Hall of Heroes. The team travels in the Ultima Thule while being chased down by all of the Dark Knights. They call themselves The Wild Hunt now. Did they call themselves that prior to this issue? And did I just forget that Flash, Cyborg, and Raven wound up on the Ultima Thule? I guess I must have since this Metal shit has been going on for approximately eight years now.

The Wild Hunt's ship (The Carrier! Did I miss when they stole that from Stormwatch?) runs on a baby universe. Like Rick's ship! The Flash's plan is to free the baby universe which should stop The Carrier and also fix the multiverse with its positive baby universe energy. Also it will allow DC to make a completely new comic book line, hopefully designed by Grant Morrison.

This is why so many writers choose to have Flash fight other speedsters and/or time travelers. Because every conflict would end like this. The problem with writers using that solution is that these three panels are far more interesting and entertaining than a five issue story arc where The Flash can't beat somebody because they're faster than he is right up until the moment The Flash believes he can run faster and thus does and wins.

The only problem with The Flash doing the thing he thinks will save the day is that his doing that thing was part of the plan of the Bat-Joker. In other words, every single thing that has happened was part of a plan that would never actually work because the calculation contains about seventeen million variables. So, in traditional comic book fashion, it makes me happy one moment only to shit all over my happiness, lap up the shit and my happiness, digest it so that my happiness is now intrinsically part of its shit, and then shit it all over me once again.

Flash, Raven, and Cyborg winding up as a team and boarding the Ultima Thule and heading to the Hall of Heroes being directed by Detective Chimp and other super scientists while also being infected by Dark Baby Universe missiles (along with all the other things that had to happen along the way) was the main part of the plan to destroy the Multiverse. I guess I just have to stop thinking that superheroes are smart and just resign myself to the realization that they're all easily manipulated fools. Maybe it's more believable because the bad guys are twenty-eight Batmans.

The end of everything almost happens. But just almost because there is still one more issue of Metal to sell for loads of cash. Coming through to save the day are the super chimps from Earth-53. That's right! You read that correctly! A 53rd EARTH! What an incredible twist! Also that it's the Earth where everybody is a monkey. Also also, they're going to save the multiverse. Ha ha! How funny! A bunch of monkeys saving the day!

The Wild Hunt #1 Rating: It was pretty good! The best Metal book yet! Mostly because it was so closely tied to Multiversity and second mostly because it starred Detective Chimp.


Deadman #4
By Neal Adams

Deadman discovers that he was killed by the League of Assassins in retaliation for his parents killing a bunch of Yeti guarding Nanda Parbat. I think there's more to it than that, like how they were searching for their son Aaron who was given to the League as payment for healing Deadman's mother. Unless I got some of that wrong because my memory of comic books I hated isn't the best.

So is Deadman satisfied with his journey of self-discovery yet? Hopefully not because I still haven't found out why Commissioner Gordon was inspecting Japanese nuclear plants! I'm beginning to think that Neal Adams is just hoping that I'd forget about that part. But Neal Adams doesn't know how stubborn and bitter and hateful I can be.

Boston reveals to the Spectre that his father was lying. Well great! That really means two more issues of this shit! I actually had myself convinced that it was going to end early. What a sap!

Apparently Ra's wants Boston Brand back in Nanda Parbat for some important League of Assassins reasons. There's some other confusing stuff about Aaron Brand that I don't think matters but it probably will matter. Which is disappointing because it's terrible and confusing. I hate this book. Why do I now own four issues of it?

Deadman #4 Rating: Possibly the worst comic book I've ever read after Deadman #1 and Deadman #2. I think Deadman #3 wasn't quite as bad as the others.


Michael Cray #5
By Hill, Ellis, Harris, Vines, Owens, and Kelly

This issue begins with a bunch of New Zealanders sacrificing a woman to Aquaman. She's probably a virgin because that's always the scam. You get a bunch of zealots to proclaim that their god will only be satisfied by a virgin sacrifice so that all the women of the village suddenly loosen their pants-strings.

Male Elder (with throbbing boner) speaking to throng: "Looks like we're going to have a poor harvest, wouldn't you agree, Bob?"
Male Elder named Bob (also with throbbing boner): "Yep. I think we might need to sacrifice five or six virgins this year."
Male Elder gazing at lush farm fields (with boner, of course): "Well, we might do get by with only one if we're lucky, right?"
All the women: "Oh, um, we totally fucked already. Maybe we can just try our luck with hard work and scientific advancements in the agricultural sciences?"
Male Elder standing with hands on his hips and thrusting his pants-tented boner toward the crowd: "Seems awful risky. Nope, I think we need some virgins. And y'all keep saying you've fucked but there's only one way to know for sure."
All the women: *collective sigh*
Male Elder named Bob: "Now who wants to get their name crossed off the list first? Remember, anal counts as doubly devirginizing!"
All the male virgins planning their next Dungeons & Dragons campaigns: "Fucking sluts! Why don't they ever fuck us?! We can't wait to become powerful village politicians running on conservative and traditional values so that our community never evolves and grows and we get our turn to get laid thanks to terrible historical power dynamics!"
The non-virgin male: "Or maybe you could, I don't know, treat the women like actual people?"
All the male virgins: "And risk them getting their hands on the reigns of power? What if they decide 'virgin' can also mean male?! They'll do it, you know! They won't make things better! They'll just make things as bad as we've made things but for us! Don't trust them!"
Non-virgin male eating pussy: "Garble blargle...oh, um, excuse me. Did you say something?"

"'Why her?' She knew this dick wasn't going to suck itself."

I wrote my vignette using the "elder" characters before I got to the part with that elder character because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Although if I were really serious about being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I should probably better remember the comic books I've read. Although it's not like I claim to be a Grandmaster Comic Book Historian! I'm just good at reading them and guessing where they're headed and pulling out my dick and pissing all over them.

And don't think you can picture my dick in your imagination just because I mentioned it, you pervert! That was just a metaphorical dick standing in for the abuse I heap upon the comic books I waste my money on!

Aquaman doesn't die yet. We'll get to that next issue. And believe me, I'll be buying five copies of it! No wait. Just four. Oh shit. This book is $3.99? Maybe I'll just read it off the rack.

Michael Cray #5 Rating: This book felt like it was going downhill for a few issues (which means most of the issues after I lost my "Green Arrow is going to die!" boner). But I really liked this issue for some reason! "Some reason" is the best you'll get out of me. Other comic book reviewers would be all, "The art was particularly tasty in the way it showed the emotion inherent in the words that were written so well. Plus the letterer did his job so I was able to read it." Then they throw a bunch of dick sucking superlatives across a few closing sentences and rate the thing 9.8 out of 10. But not me! I don't know why I like or dislike things! So I don't bother trying to come up with reasons. I just read the book and then glance at my crotch to see if I liked it or not.


Suicide Squad #35
By Williams, Pansica, Ferreira, and Lucas

Ugh. Williams is back? Not that what's-his-name from the last couple of issues was any better. I wonder how many unread issues of this comic book are being purchased by Harley Quinn fans to prop up the illusion that it's a successful book?

The cover of this issue says, "And their dead shall come for them!" So that means, um, Hack will be back? She's the only member who has died. I don't even consider her an actual member. She wasn't a prisoner. She was just kidnapped from another country's prison and forced to work on the team because Amanda Waller gets to write reality. But Hack put up with it because she wanted to fuck Harley Quinn.

By the way! (Is that a complete sentence? Does this parenthetical reference work? What are grammar?) Is that how reality works? If somebody is in prison in one country and they somehow find themselves in another country through a ridiculous plot device, do they have to be placed in prison in the new country? My guess is that it doesn't work that way because it doesn't even work when somebody is a child rapist in America and they move to France to suddenly not be a child rapist. Or if somebody is a rapist in Sweden, they can move to a broom closet in the basement of an Ecuadorian embassy in London to remain "free."

Anyway, Hack has come back because — as I've noted before — nobody actually dies in the Suicide Squad. Everybody gets to come back. Except Light. Or was it Lime? Who can tell?

Suicide Squad #35 Rating: This book is terrible. I hated myself for buying it. Then I hated myself more for reading it. Then I realized I can't actually hate myself any more than I do when I'm not reading it. So why not keep reading it? Now I hate myself for coming to that conclusion. Why doesn't my mother love me?!


Detective Comics #974
By Tynion IV, Briones, and Passalaqua

This issue is called Knights Fall because Batman fans can't get away from witty writers who won't stop referencing past story arcs to score easy fan points while also showcasing how "night" and "knight" are homonyms that can be cleverly manipulated in the Batman franchise. So immediately after reading the title "Knights Fall," I found myself foaming at the mouth and orgasming involuntarily. If I hadn't already had loads and loads of sex with women that would probably mean I'm not a virgin anymore, right? Although, just to clarify for hypothetical reasons, would I say my first time was with James Tynion IV or Detective Comics?

Batwoman has killed Clayface and now all the Bat-people are angry at her. Batman is all, "You killed a person that was going to kill hundreds of people! How could you?! Now you have a death on your hands when technically, if you hadn't killed him, you wouldn't have hundreds of deaths on your hands! Haven't you read my book, Five Million Excuses For Why Somebody's Death Wasn't Technically My Fault?!" Then Batwoman is all, "I did what any soldier or cop would have been lauded for doing!" And Tim is all, "Fuck soldiers and cops! We're better than soldiers and cops! They're scared sheep who think violence is always the answer!" Batman sort of coughs and adjusts his tie and looks askance at that. Then Cass is all, "Look at me crying, readers! Doesn't your heart just break for me! Boo hoo!"

It's really all quite dramatic! I'm quivering with whatever emotion it is that other people can feel that makes them quiver!

Azrael and Batwing decide to tell Batman sometimes killing works so they get put on leave alongside Batwoman. As if Batman has the power to stop a vigilante from vigilanting. Who died and made him king of Gotham? Oh, that's right! Thomas and Martha!

Thankfully, Tim Drake was visited by a morally corrupt version of himself from the future which enables him to struggle with the actions he wants to take. If he didn't already know he's heading down a dark path, where would the immediate conflict come from?! Boy how I love time travel and alternate timeline story arcs! They make it so much easier to write dramatic character moments! I might miss the subtleties of seeing Tim Drake veer down a darker path due to his present experiences if I hadn't already been told about the dark path! Thanks for telling me how I should feel about each character and their decisions, James! I hate the feeling of ambiguity I'm left with after reading works by great writers.

Meanwhile, Ulysses is working with Brother Eye to bring about the worst DC future possible. I mean, it's not actually worse than the canonical version of DC's future. But I guess it's bad because Tim Drake becomes a menace and a killer? We already knew he would become Harvest anyway so how is this any different?!

Detective Comics #974 Rating: Should comic books only be reviewed by people who enjoy that particular comic book? Does it really mean anything if I say I hate Detective Comics written by James Tynion IV? That's what everybody expects! I suppose it only means something if I say I like it and somebody who loves the series says they hated it. I don't mean the same issue! I just mean...oh, forget it! You probably know what I mean. And if you don't, I can't blame myself for your lack of comprehension. Especially if you've made it this far into the newsletter. You know my writing has no clarity!


Justice League of America #24
By Orlando, Edwards, Henriques, Hi-fi

The Justice League of America saves some day from something terrible happening. Promethea makes an appearance to remind me that I still need to read that series. And then after everything is settled and peace has been made and there's nothing left for anybody to do, Batman shows up to be the leader again. Christ. He's like that one member of the installation crew who only shows up after the truck has been unloaded and then disappears once again when you turn your back, leaving only a whiff of meth smoke in his wake.

Justice League of America #24 Rating: Well, it had Lobo in it. So it was the best comic book I've read this week!


Sideways #1
By Rocafort, DiDio, Jordan, and Brown

You can tell these new Metal-inspired books are crap because they give the artists top billing. I'd say it's an insult to the readership as well, assuming that they believe art tops writing but as we all know, that's mostly true. It must be or else we'd all have our dicks stuck balls deep into The Familiar Part May 5th by the guy who wrote the book about a house. And I meant our metaphorical dicks and our metaphorical balls. Later, I'll say something about our metaphorical vaginas so that nobody feels left out and so that hermaphrodites feel doubly left in.

My Four Hermaphroditic Readers: "I really identified with both of those metaphors while ruining my underpants in two ways!"
Me: "I really don't know anything about hermaphrodites!"
My Tumblr Readers, scrutinizing every word carefully: "They haven't made any semantic mistakes that we can call them out on but my gut tells me they're erasing the transgender community!"

I should be happy that they put Kenneth Rocafort's name first. It saves me time realizing that I'm not interested in this comic book. Yes, I purchased it. But I only did that because I only had about four comics in my pull box that week. So my adult reasoning went something like this: "I'm an idiot with three extra dollars in my stupid pocket! Let me ruin future me's day when he realizes past me (currently present me!) purchased this awful book for him to read! Ha ha! In your face, fatty!"

"Don't worry. My father is used to hearing me scream at myself constantly."

Sideways is a young person in young school who has young friends with young attitudes so that should get the young people reading this young comic written by a sixty year old man.

Sideways' best friend is Ernestine. She's the exact character an old person would come up with after doing a bunch of research on Tumblr if that old person were making a character to connect with the kids. She's got her own unique style that's actually just pop culture camouflage hiding whatever her true personality is. I suppose the true personality is that she loves things so much that she squeeeees. She's the person who feels they have to be the biggest fan of everything to show how perky and different they are. She also wears a tiger skin onesie to school. And just to make sure that the readers understand just how outside of "normal" societal standards she is, she has a twin sister who totally dresses like mainstream America expects teenage girls to dress! She's got the regular pants and the regular shirt and the regular half-jacket and the regular shades on her regular blonde head. She also makes sure to point out that Ernestine's outfit isn't appropriate for school. In other words, she's a Popular. And us comic book reading nerds understand that they're the bad guys!

Sideways, like The Flash, is always late. That's a hilarious character defect for somebody who can be anywhere instantaneously! I bet Dan DiDio chuckled for five minutes thinking up that character trait.

Sideways is a brown boy named Derek who was adopted by an upper middle class white couple. Didn't society agree three decades ago that this was a racist trope? Weren't white people's lust for rescuing the non-whites satiated by Diff'rent Strokes and Webster? I suppose if I wanted to be upbeat with my hot takes on old television shows, I could set forth the theory that the vivacious and culturally eccentric personalities of the young minorities helped save the white people from living boring and mediocre lives in a loveless vacuum! That was the premise of Punky Brewster and that was practically the same show minus the eternally childlike black children from the other shows.

Speaking of terrible comic book tropes that never die (which is what makes them tropes! Geez! Get a dictionary, fatty! (HEY!)), Derek seems to be a boy genius who was about to get an internship with some science firm that had the kind of name that screams "Subsidiary of LexCorp!" His boss was going to be Ms. Dominus so she was probably mutated in the events of Metal as well and will become his nemesis. I probably won't ever know if I was right about this guess because I will not be buying Issue #2. I made that promise to myself when I bought this issue. I was all, "Hey, fatty. You're only getting this one for the schadenfreude. Don't even think about buying a second issue of this crap." I agreed with myself and wiped the tears from my eyes before buying the book. Why was I always so mean to myself?

The issue ends with Sideways announcing himself to the world via YouTube. But as he's doing it, some cosmic entity appears and tells him to stop because he's endangering all time and space. But Sideways is a teenager so he's all, "Who the fuck are you? YOU AREN'T MY FATHER! I mean, I don't think you are. Are you?!"

Sideways #1 Rating: This comic book might fool some people into thinking it's interesting and cool. But actually it's just another book about a teenaged superhero who wants to do whatever the fuck they please. Ostensibly, they usually want to help society. Invariably, they wind up just fighting people who come out of the woodwork to fight them specifically. And this comic book doesn't disappoint in Sideways' first encounter! I won't be getting issue #2 but I hope the person encountering Sideways is all, "Dude. We've seen this before an almost infinite amount of times. The thing you're doing? It breaks universes. You have to stop." And then Sideways will be all, "Stop?! No way! I'm the perky young upstart rebelling against anybody telling me that their are limits to the things I want to do! Fuck you!" Then the alien guy will be all, "I tried to warn you!" And then Sideways will be all "RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT RIFT DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!" and the series will end.


Action Comics #997
By Jurgens, Booth, Rapmund, and Dalhouse

Superman with the rare male Boob/Butt Showcase.

I won't burden anybody who isn't reading this with any more of Brett Booth's terrible art or much of Dan Jurgens' terrible writing. Most of this is based on the premise that General Zod didn't get to raise his son because Zod's son was kept in the Phantom Zone. But since time doesn't pass in the Phantom Zone, how could that be? How did Zod's son grow up in the Phantom Zone? Have I been misunderstanding how the Phantom Zone works all this time or does Jurgens just think all comic book readers are morons? Sure, I think that as well! But I also know that they're full of the most useless facts, just ready to ambush Populars with a well-timed "Actually!"

Action Comics #997 Rating: This continues to be a terrible time travel story written by a writer who hasn't had a good idea since 1986 and drawn by an artist who thinks thighs should be, proportionally, thirty times bigger than every other body part. When DC Comics looks back at their history in the far future (and probably the really near future as well), they'll wonder why they chose such a terrible lead-in to their historic Issue #1000. Maybe they realized they already fucked it all up by renumbering Action Comics for The New 52 and just stopped caring.

DC Comics: "Technically this isn't really Issue #1000. Because of The New 52, Savage Dragon has more numerical continuity than all the DC books combined. We fucking suck."
DC Comics Fans: "More Harley Quinn please!"


Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!
I still have a lot of comic books I want to write about but I'm approaching 5000 words and that's probably 4500 more than most of you are willing to read each week. Which means you aren't reading these words so why am I writing them? Unless you skipped all the comic book crap because you couldn't wait to hear my expert thoughts on songs that randomly came up on my iTunes.

Public Enemy Service Announcement #2 by Public Enemy
You're probably thinking, "Didn't you already review this in the last E!TACT newsletter?" Unless you weren't thinking that and you're now thinking, "Was that in the last newsletter? I didn't make it past the first five hundred words." Some of you who aren't reading this are probably not thinking but should be thinking, "I should check my spam folder for the last fourteen issues of E!TACT!"

To answer the first imaginary person's question, this is a different Public Enemy service announcement. Based on both of them coming up in two subsequent Grunion Guy's Musical Corners, you might conclude that I only have four albums on my iTunes. Well, I don't! I'm sure I have at least seven.

This announcement starts off boring with Chuck D not letting Flava Flav get a "BOOOOIIIIEEEEE!" in edgewise. But as soon as Chuck D shuts his yap about Black history being something we should celebrate daily, Flava Flav swoops in to rescue the announcement by saying, "Don't be a vulture! Learn your culture!"

Grade: B+


Angel with the Scabbed Wings by Marilyn Manson
This song is off Antichrist Superstar which is an album name that virtually ensured that I would purchase it, even if I hadn't already been told by Howard Stern that I had to like it. The entire album sounds like if a belt sander learned to play guitar while your menopausal aunt screeches about how her husband ruined her life by being a slovenly bore. Luckily, I like the way those things sound together.

This particular song seems to be about an angel with a nasty STD fucking the childbirth potential out of a bunch of virgins. I guess it's one of Manson's autobiographical songs?

iTunes categorizes this song as "alternative" because it doesn't have an "angry at the entire stupid world" genre.

Grade: B


Boy Scoutz in the Hood (Medley) by The Simpsons
The Simpsons aren't really a band which is fine because this isn't really a song. It's mainly a long clip from an episode of the cartoon. There is a bit of a "New York, New York" parody in the middle of the clip but it's not enough to keep from skipping this when it shuffles to the top. I think it made it onto the Songs in the Key of Springfield album because whoever came up Homer's line about weaselling out of things being the thing that separates humans from animals (except the weasel) produced the album. It's not as bad as the clip where Homer reads the ingredients in a jar of peanuts but it's pretty close.

Grade: D+


TV Sucks ("A Fish Called Selma" episode) by The Simpsons
Jesus Christ, iTunes. Every time I do one of these Music Corners, you're going to force me to spend one entire review bitching about your terrible random number generator, aren't you? I get that there is no perfect system for generating random numbers via computer programming. But you could at least spend a little money on product development so that it doesn't pull this shit! Especially since now I have to remember that there is a whole other "song" on this dumb album that's as bad as Homer reading peanut ingredients! At least the Boy Scoutz medley had a little music in it!

Grade: F


The Anarchist by Rush
Hmm. How am I supposed to grade a song that I've never listened to the entire way through? Am I going to have to do that now? I suppose I knew I would give Clockwork Angels an undeserved chance at some point. The main reason I own this album was that Rush put the digital version on sale for ninety-nine cents. I thought, "Well, how can you go wrong at that price?!"

What I learned immediately after was that maybe I should stop asking rhetorical questions that quickly have a long list of answers. The long list of answers for the question "How can you go wrong at that price?" is just a listing of the songs on this album.

The song is seven minutes of prog rock prog rockiness. It has a bunch of changes that actual music reviewers would probably understand and possibly praise. But I just listened to the song and thought five times, "Oh, is this a new song? Oh wait. No. Still The Anarchist."

The album comes with a booklet that apparently adds a short story element to the album. Maybe the reason I've never given this album a chance is that I've never read the story excerpts or listened to the album in the correct order (or at all).

I think maybe this album was just meant for die-hard Rush fans.

Grade: C-


I don't have any space for letters this month! I mean, I do since this is just a virtual newsletter. But I already went way too long and now my record word count of nearly six thousand words is going to set a new bar for my inability to not shut up.

Grunion Guy logging off! Is that a good sign off? What about "Goodbye, jerkos!"? Ooh! I like that better.

Goodbye, jerkos!