Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.

Batman and Red Hood #20

At least this takes place before Jason Todd became Not Jason Todd.

Oh man. Bruce Wayne is in for a serious verbal bitch slapping from Jason Todd. I can only imagine what Todd is feeling. He's watching Batman drop everything to run around the world to find a way to bring Damian back to life. And yet when Todd died, what did Batman do? No, seriously. What did he do? I don't remember because that was a long time ago. Even if I could remember, this is The New 52 and Batman might have reacted differently to Todd's crowbarring than he did to the Preboot crowbarring. I'm assuming "crowbarring" would have the double "R" if it weren't a made up word.

I think I derailed myself in that last paragraph. I meant to say Todd probably has gotten his feelings hurt since it looks like Batman wants Damian back in his life while Todd needed to wait around to be resurrected by somebody else. I forget who that somebody was. Talia? I don't know. Whatever!

Batman is currently planning a trip to Ethiopia when Carrie Kelley pays him a visit. She's just as curious as everybody else about what happened to Damian. I think everybody heard that Robin died but Damian has mysteriously been "shipped off to England" or some other nonsense. I guess Bruce is hoping to purchase a little Samsara Serum before too many questions are asked.

I guess she wasn't sure about giving back the money since she cashed the check and is now returning a huge wad of bills.

Oh, ha ha. She cashed the check so she could keep the $1000 she was still owed for the Pornography, and returned the rest. I should probably shut my face hole (or calm my hand branches since I'm typing) and just fucking read the comic book instead of questioning every single panel I read. I wonder how much enjoyment I'm not getting out of these comic books by critically and, more often than not, not-so-critically attacking them every page? I bet they read better straight through without thinking about them! I bet if I just sat down and read DC's comics, I would simply think they're epic and surprising. Who knows? I might have even thought Captain Atom wasn't cat puke on toast.

But if I didn't rant and rave, I wouldn't be entertaining two million followers* on a daily basis.

*Plus or minus two million, three hundred and nine followers.

Since Carrie can't currently speak to Damian seeing as how he's underground overseas, she speaks to the next best thing. No, no. Not Batcow! That's the best thing BEFORE Damian! This is the best thing AFTER Damian.

Hire her, you stupid fool! I bet she likes cows too!

Bruce flouts or pounces his way out of the room. That's when you pout and flounce at the same time. And since flout and pounce are already words on their own, I don't know what the fuck to do to make it clear what I mean! Once Bruce is out of the way, Alfred and Carrie have a civil conversation and Alfred hires Carrie! Not as Robin (yet!) but just to take care of Titus two or three times a week. She's going to be surprised when she finds herself cleaning up cow poop and hairballs as well as exercising Titus.

The hairballs belong to Alfred in case I didn't make that clear.

Alfred the cat! Clarity!

Red Hood is on the cover of this issue because Jason Todd is still hanging about the mansion recovering from his face trauma. He and Batman seem to be getting along just fine. My guess is that this is taking place after all future issues of Batman Incorporated since that story arc probably finishes up just a day or two after Damian's death. Although that doesn't make any sense unless we ignore Damian playing with Roy Harper when Jason Todd puts the Joker's Poisoned Mask on. Because Jason Todd was kidnapped by the Spider Women of Spider Island while Damian was dying. And yet Damian was alive when Jason Todd got fucked by the mask? Why are the worst writers always fucking up the timeline? Don't they have editors to keep them in check?

Fuck it! You know what? Let Canonology figure it out!

Batman tells Jason about the Ethiopian Sniper Club he's discovered because he needs a vicious dog to do some killing for him. Batman doesn't kill and he hates guns but here he is handing Jason's guns to him and asking him to join him on a trip to Ethiopia and winking like a mad man and nudging Todd with his elbow and saying, "Get my drift?"

Batman is also just running over hands, knees, and elbows.

Jason Todd and Bruce Wayne do a whole lot of bonding although they do more maiming and incapacitating. Batman fucks up all the snipers' hands with his new Fuck-Up Snipers Hand Nerves Gloves he had Lucius Fox create for him. He probably told Fox the gloves were for jump starting the Batmobile on cold Gotham nights. Red Hood fucks up all the snipers knees, elbows, and hands using bullets the way he usually does. Batman and Jason Todd don't exactly hug but what else is all this chaos and blood a metaphor for if not for a hug?

Batman didn't bring Red Hood to Ethiopia just for the sport. He also wanted to bring him back to the place he died.

"How long did your body keep? Should I put Damian in a freezer? In a vacuum-sealed bag? Goddammit, Jason! What if he's spoiling*?!" "That kid was spoiled* before you even put him in the ground." RIMSHOT! *Joke can also be used with rotting/rotten!

Just when Bruce was finally reaping some good time groovy feelings with Jason, he goes and ruins it all by hurting Todd's feelings. Jason makes a big fuss about not wanting to remember the day he died but I'm pretty sure he's just pissed off and jealous that Damian was loved so much that Batman would risk every relationship he had simply to get Damian back. He didn't do that for Todd! So instead of hugging, punching happens. Lots and lots of punching and screaming and hurting each other. Finally Jason Todd picks up his mask and simply leaves. He's done with Batman. He's done with everything. It's time to go give up his memories to the little naked boy in the mountains.

And on the final page, Two-Face's coin comes up No Scar. And he says, "No." Is he fucking arguing with random chance again? I know David Finch turned him into One-Face in The Dark Knight #1 but I think Two-Face needs to invest in a die and become Six-Face! Or Twelve-Face if he decides to go with the least used die in Dungeons & Dragons.

Batman and Red Hood #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue had two separate stories that both deserved a +1. I enjoyed the Carrie Kelly stuff and, surprisingly, I enjoyed the Red Hood stuff as well. Too bad Jason Todd is off to Amnesia Island!

Batman and Red Robin #19

I really thought it was going to be Batcow.

This issue begins with sassy, perky Carrie Kelley delivering porn to Damian. But Damian is dead so Alfred ends up with it and Bruce becomes concerned that his ten year old son was dealing with a sexy community college girl. Also, it may not have been porn. But it was $1000 for five discs of "Playhouse 90 Kinescope". That sure sounds like porn to me!

Whatever it was, Bruce wants to know somebody that knew Damian in a different way than he knew Damian. A very different way. Hopefully a different way? Anyway, he goes out to pay her a visit and the $1000 Damian owed on the discs.

Okay, I'm over Damian.

Bruce Wayne kind of freaks out a bit at this young girl dressed as his son who answers the door. Instead of finding out about her or paying her bill, he just turns around and gets back in the car and tells Alfred to get them the fuck out of there. Meanwhile, Carrie is yelling out of the window wondering where Damian is. Doesn't she watch TMZ? I'm sure TMZ would have aired the story about billionaire Bruce Wayne's son getting killed in a tandem bicycle accident with Robin the Boy Wonder.

Batman finally does the sane thing and goes insane. He's decided to find Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E., kidnap him, and, I presume, find out the secret of bringing life back to the dead. His search for Frankenstein leaves him out of touch with Alfred for long enough that Alfred becomes concerned and contacts Tim Drake to maybe go track him down.

Batman and Frankenstein have a reasonable discussion about the ramifications of resurrection on the human condition.

Or as reasonable as a monster like Batman can manage.

Red Robin eventually finds Dr. Batmanstein holed up in Castle Frankenstein in the arctic. He's begun dissecting Frankenstein so that he can figure out how resurrection works. Even with whatever knowledge Frankenstein has and even though it might be blasphemy to say this about the Goddamned Batman, I don't think Bruce has the scientific knowledge to reverse engineer life from unlife. Although maybe with Tim Drake acting as Igor, they can figure it out!

Although for my money, I'd just go back and offer the Robin job to Carrie Kelley. The Robin suit finally looked good on someone!

Yeah but do you want your son looking like a stitched up bag of luggage the color of cat vomit? There are so many other resurrection options open to you in the DCnU!

Red Robin decides it's time to get into a fist fight with Batman because Tim Drake apparently isn't as smart as everybody thinks he is. He also claims that Batman can't bring Damian back. But is Tim living in the same universe that Bruce is? Obviously people come back from the dead in this world. It happens all of the time, especially in the pages of the Suicide Squad. So let Batman exhaust his options because he just might stumble upon one that works.

Frank's head tells Batman that he's allowed him to dissect him to see how wrong it would be to turn Damian into a Monster like this. But Batman isn't listening to anybody anymore. He's crazed and desperate. So Red Robin remotely fires the lasers on his jet to destroy all of the equipment in Doctor Batmanstein's lab. Batman isn't exactly thrilled.

He should kill Tim too. Once he figures out the secret of resurrecting someone, he can bring Tim back too.

Batman takes off to figure something else out while Frank whines about needing to be stitched back together. Can't he do it himself?

Batman and Red Robin #19 Rating: No change. I don't imagine we'll be seeing much of Carrie Kelley any time soon. She just seemed a character thrown in as a nice twist for the cover. But you never know now that she's out there.

Batman and Robin #18

Thanks, Grant Morrison. This comic is over.

Last issue, Batman and Robin and Alfred all had a bunch of dreams and nightmares and it was all very exciting. And previously in the Annual, Robin and Batman and Alfred had a big scavenger hunt and Batman learned to love Damian just a little bit more while Damian got to beat the shit out of The Weasel. This issue, Damian is dead. Is this going to be a Weekend at Bernie's thing?

Nope. It wasn't.

*sniff*

Shut up.

Batman and Robin #18 Rating: +2 Ranking. Beautiful.

Batman and Robin #17

Seriously? Is there more trouble in Gotham? Unbelievable.

About 850 comic book commentaries later, how do I still have anything new to say? Obviously I have new things to say that comment directly on the current comic book I'm reading. But how many ways can I say, "Scott Lobdell and/or Tom DeFalco can't write"? You know what? I'm going to stop referring to them by their individual names since I'm pretty sure they're the same person. From now on, I will refer to them collectively as Tott Dedell when I want to bust their balls at the same time. I never leave my tiny office to have new experiences to write about either since I'm constantly labouring over my pile of comic books to vomit up poison filled rants about the state of DC's editorial department. Even lunch wasn't a new experience! I've probably eaten 1000 burritos just like that one in my lifetime!

But that's why I read comic books, I guess! To live vicariously through costumed vigilantes so I don't have to actually live amongst the rest of this world's populace. So I can at least thank Tott Dedell for that much! I'd rather spend time reading his half-assed scripts than spending time with actual people. At least I know when I'm lying on my deathbed struggling for my final breath, I won't regret having not read enough shitty comic books.

Although I might regret having not read enough good comic books! I hear there are some good stories going on over at Image and Marvel right now! Too bad I don't have time to read them. Except for Saga. Of course I'm reading Saga. What do you take me for? An uncivilized, illiterate, intemperate barbarian of dubious virtue?

Luckily Batman and Robin has yet to fall into the bad comic book category. Peter Tomasi has been doing an excellent job with these characters (and Alfred as well!). And for those people who hate The New 52, I'm pretty sure you can read this comic book and simply pretend it takes place in the old universe. All the really important history is still the same, including the fact that Dick was Batman for a year with Damian as his Robin. This is my secret gift to you, The New 52 Haters: Batman and Robin is Preboot Friendly.

I once lamented while reading a scene from Batwoman where Kate and Bette are changing into costume together how we never see Batman and Robin in their underwear while getting ready. Well consider that lament rectified!

Okay, so they're not exactly in their underwear. But they're getting there because they're removing their costumes at the end of a long night.

That's the first page. Beautiful moment. And look at those sandwiches! I've always had a love of cartoon sandwiches. Yogi Bear's sandwiches always looked so fucking delicious. One New Year's Eve while near passing out from inebriation, I gave voice to my fetishization of cartoon food for a solid ten minutes. I only wish one could retain the exact structure and nuance of speeches like these, born of spontaneity and intense drunkenness.

On page two, I proffer another example of the excellence with which this comic book is put together.

Some writers would ruin this moment, feeling it necessary to fill the space with Damian's inner thoughts.

Those panels above go a long way toward bonding the reader with the characters and this comic book. These are panels that are necessary for the long term relationship between the reader and the creators. In this we see that Tomasi cares about these characters. We see that he thinks about their relationship. In the simple act of a child comparing the size of his shoe to his father's, Tomasi engages our emotion to the story. I can only wish that this were the trend as opposed to Narration Boxes filling up all the quiet, empty spaces of comic book panels.

The comic continues in their dreams as Alfred, Damian, and Bruce all lie down to sleep.

Damian's dream begins as he watches everyone in his life sunk beneath the ocean, weighted down and drowning. He speaks with another version of himself, his two halves, the al Ghul and the Wayne, not quite reconciled with one another. He is calm until he sees Alfred drowning and this causes him to dream awaken. That just means he wakes from his dream within a dream. In his new setting, he begins following a robin throughout Wayne Manor only to find this:

I have no idea what Jung says about this dream imagery!

This encounter with a bat feasting on his father and asking Damian to join him actually wakes Damian up with a start. Does this mean a part of Damian wants to be Batman so badly that he'd consider helping his father into early retirement? Of course it would be a subconscious part of him. One of those Oedipal temptations that the dream mind loves to dangle in front of us? Or is this merely Damian seeing weakness in himself? Seeing that he relies too much on his father? Like I said, I don't know how to interpret this!

Next is Alfred's dream. Alfred dreams of helping Thomas and Martha and Bruce prepare for their last night on the town. He then hears noises down in the Batcave. Upon investigation, he discovers The Joker slaughtering the Bat Family with a hammer. Alfred takes it upon himself to end this asshole's reign of terror with a shotgun.

Even Alfred thinks this is how Death of the Family should have ended! Look at that smile!

Bruce dreams of losing his parents and finding respite in solitude. Or perhaps he just feels that nobody has suffered as badly as the poor boy that lost his parents on the night he insisted on leaving the movie early and he just wants to be left alone to pity himself and suffer in silence. Perhaps he thought he could lose himself in the persona of Batman. Instead, he became the popular kid in Gotham whom everybody wanted as their friend.

Or his dream just has to do with his repressed homosexuality and his love of The Joker.

At the end of the dream, Damian reaches down and pulls Bruce up from the bottom of the ocean. It is, and always has been, Robin that saves the Batman. Bruce awakens, checks on Damian, tucks him in, and goes back to bed. Meanwhile Damian dreams of fighting at Batman's side all night long.

The scariest two gargoyles in Gotham City.

Batman and Robin #17 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm a sucker for one shot stories like this. And even though I don't raise the rankings of comic books based on their annuals, that doesn't mean that I can't raise this issue's ranking a little higher than I normally would because the Batman and Robin Annual was extraordinarily well done!