Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #3

Do cover artists often think, "I really don't care if this cover idea has been used hundreds of times before! I've got the definitive version!"

Rating: Two Suicide Squad comic books in one? How can somebody pass up this shit?! I mean, one is technically an Outsiders story starring the Suicide Squad. But I'm pretty sure it's the story where one of the members of the Suicide Squad is finally going to die. Why bother even having a team called "Suicide Squad" if none of them are ever going to die? The squad may as well be called Prison Furlough Playtime Team. This comic book is better than a whole lot of comics currently being published by DC so it's worth the five dollar cover price. I mean that figuratively. Five dollars can buy you an awful lot of stuff that's better than this book. And probably more useful to your life. But people don't make money choices based on what is necessary! They make them based on what is desired! So if you desire buying a comic book that will allow you to escape your nightmarish existence for even the barest minimum of time, you could do worse than this one!

• Deadshot just found out that his dad has died of natural causes so he shot his mom in the face. Probably the face. I may be projecting on that fact.

• If my mom ever reads my commentaries, she'll probably think, "But he often ends our phone calls with 'I love you'?!" Right before she changes the will to leave everything to her stuffed Garfield collection.

• Everybody should change their Tumblr reply settings to "Everyone can reply" because I have got a lot of shit to say to you all.

• Deadshot is angry with Waller because Waller wasn't their for his daughter. Now who's projecting!

• Waller wants the Suicide Squad to battle Deadshot because teammates fighting is usually a cornucopia full of ratings and dollars. It's also an easier story to tell than having to think up a villain's motivation and how the protagonists find out about the villain and why they want to stop the villain and all the other fiddly plot points you have to come up with. It's much easier to have Batman go, "You stepped on my toe, Superman! Apologize!" And Superman would go, "I'm sorry!" And Batman would go, "Not good enough!" Then they fight for twenty pages and all of the nearly illiterate, drooling fangenders eat it up.

• The team arrives at Lawton's parents' estate by helicopter so of course it lands to let them out to do their job. Ha ha! Kidding! Captain Boomerang jumps out of the helicopter and doesn't get extremely killed or hurt at all even. Cheetah also jumps out but that's comic book plausible! How does Boomerang break his fall? Throw a boomerang at the ground?

• Deadshot shoots Cheetah in the face with an elephant gun because he doesn't know his animals. The elephant goes, "RROWRR!"

But you did!

See?!

• Harley talks Deadshot into surrendering and he's immediately shot five times by Wannabe-Deadshot. He wakes up in a hospital bed with Amanda leering at him.

But doesn't Floyd really, really want to be a Lenny? Specifically the Lenny that winds up being Amanda's dog.

• Floyd finds out that he stole the Villains Month Deadshot #1 story from Wannabe-Deadshot. Wannabe-Deadshot reveals to Floyd that he gets to be the new Deadshot. Probably because all of the new fans coming over from the movie are going to be expecting a black Deadshot. Although Will Smith is playing Floyd Lawton so that's probably wrong and Evans will be dead by the end of this story.

• Now it's time for the Halo story. I mean the Katana story!

• One of these characters is not like the others! One of these characters doesn't belong! Can you tell me which one of these characters will be dead before I'm done singing this song?

• Prince Brion Markov shows up in a tank to chase away the Kobra army. Boo! Hiss! Go to hell!

Oh my god! Shut up, Deadshot! You're ruining the whole reason for having a Task Force X!

• The cat is injured in the battle because Mike W. Barr is an asshole. Is CatsInRefrigerators.com taken? It's a good thing the Markovian Army enlisted a Veterinarian.

• Sometimes I feel like the Captain Boomerang of comic book critics. Katana here represents [name a writer or artist for DC].

• Castle Markov looks like Doom's castle. Or maybe the castle of Anton Arcane. Maybe they all just work on the same set.

• Prince Markov calls the Suicide Squad and Katana "outsiders." Hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE! GET IT?! See, he doesn't realize only one of them is! And he's going to be one of them when the experimental geothermic plant blows up in his face! And Halo's host body is out in the woods nearby doing heroin. And, well, I don't know where Metamorpho and Black Lightning are. I guess they'll turn up later.

• Kobra has discovered that the Suicide Squad have bombs in their neck. He's also experimented on Violet. Probably by blasting her with rainbows, right?

• The "Outsiders" invade Kobra's volcanic base where one of them is sure to die. I'm not naming any names but her name is the same as her weapon! Not Katana, you idiot!

• Nobody dies this issue but the Squad and Katana are captured by Kobra. That makes two Suicide Squad stories in one issue where nobody died! At least not anybody of any consequence. Aside from that cat! I mean, I'm sure it's not dead. What kind of horrible monstrous writer would kill a poor innocent cat? Oh, I remember one who did that! Cullen Bunn! Fucking dick. I'm glad editorial told him he couldn't kill Dex-Starr and he had to come up with a tacked-on one page ending which completely made the story he just told meaningless.

Justice League #45

Whoo whoo!

The first page of this comic book is three black panels. Two of the panels have some red blotches and one panel has a "ping" sound effect. I'm not happy with this beginning. If I wanted to feel like a jackass by reading crap I resented paying for, I'd get a book of Rudyard Kipling's poetry.

You all owe me eighteen cents.

You know what? I'm also going to write a Rudyard Kipling poem!

Brown People Need Help

White people make things better! We have the best skills of all nations.
Brown people are like, "Duh?! What is cities? Gorp! Der!"
Rule Britannia! Rule Britannia! We have the best civilizations!
Brown people can't rule because they are full of torpor!
Read my children's books, impressionable youngsters! Kipling out...of opium! Yoink!

Shit. I didn't even get to the second page before I complained! It's just a full page image of a dripping horseshoe! If I'd known I was going to be ripped off two full pages, I would have been angrier! Although being angry enough to write a parody Rudyard Kipling poem which might be misunderstood or taken out of context was already pretty angry. I should be more careful about what I write because some unintelligent readers who think they know enough about everything to deconstruct anything might Youthsplain some things to me.

So last issue, Darkseid was killed by the Anti-monitor using The Black Racer as a weapon. Also the Black Racer is now The Flash.

Or is it Steve Urkel?

Mister Miracle points out that The Flash is now cursed to be The Black Racer until he dies. And The Flash is all, "This is a curse?! No way! I'm the God of Death! I've got a cool black costume and I know how to ski! Iris will totally open her legs for me now without having to pretend I love her nephew!"

On Apokolips, Superman is still an asshole. He's full of Apokolips energy which totally makes sense because Geoff Johns came up with it so it must make sense. Although is Superman really any different than he's been since The New 52 began? He really has been a grumpy puss lately. But now he's a weird polarized version of himself. He and The Flash are going to look great together. Superman destroys Lex Luthor's armor and strands him on Apokolips before heading back to Earth. That's probably going to be a mistake. I give Lex five hours before he's the next ruler of Apokolips.

Batman decides that he and the Batchair are going to go back to Gotham City and save it because that seems like a reasonable use of a chair that gives you all the knowledge of everything forever. Use it to make one city safe from maniacs. Classic Batman!

Apparently the Parademons are mostly moth.

Lex Luthor meets the Forgotten People on Apokolips. I guess they're the opposite of the Forever People. It's exactly the type of clever nameplay Geoff Johns likes to come up with when he's reinventing the DC Youniverse. It's also possible the Forgotten People have already been invented but this has Johns' semen all over it. The Forgotten People are all, "We're in comics so of course we have a prophecy that tells us the future and helps us react appropriately to keep the plot moving. Are you the farm boy orphan hero from Smallville that's actually a super awesome person or something?" And Lex is all, "Yep! How'd you know? Totally me. If straw existed on Apokolips, I'd be chewing on some! Yee haw! Boy howdy!"

Back on Earth, Barry begins to argue with himself and then runs away, just like always. I guess I'll see you in your special One Shot, Barry! Bye! The next person to flee to their One Shot is Shazam when he becomes the God of All of the Gods. I think that means he just committed blasphemy in every single religion in the universe.

Darkseid is dead and the Anti-Monitor has disappeared with his forces. The parademons have rushed off to fly erratically around the Green Power Battery on Oa (or Mogo (or wherever it is in Geoff Johns' version of the DC You). But Kalibak, Lashina, Steppenwolf, and probably some other jerks are still hanging around thinking they can beat the Justice League. But seriously, who takes Kalibak seriously now? Everybody heard about that time Alfred Pennyworth the Cat devised a plan which relied on Kalibak slipping on cow manure and which totally defeated him.

Meanwhile the Omega Effect returns to Apokolips and chooses a new leader.

Yep. I'd say that was about five hours.

Justice League #45 Rating: No change. This issue was basically a prologue for the One Shots coming out across the next few weeks. I'm not sure why I knew there were six of them coming out but while reading this book, I couldn't figure out who the sixth book was going to focus on. I actually thought Cyborg and Shazam were going to merge because wasn't that in one of the visions of Myrina's midwife? I had no idea that Lex was going to actually become the next Darkseid. I just figured he'd manipulate everybody and talk them into letting him rule. I do still have one question after reading this issue though: who thought Arrow, Deadman, and Mister Miracle were good figures to begin the DC Comics Icons action figure toy line?

Detective Comics #44

I can tell I'm not in the mood to make fun of comic books when I can't think of a witty way to call this cover boring.

This issue begins with Detective Yip receiving a large cash payout from a Falcone. That's one of the biggest criminal names in the city so I have a suspicion that the transaction was for something nefarious. I wish I could make an envelope full of cash for doing horrible things. As long as those things weren't too strenuous. If I had to put a lot of effort into being a criminal, I'd rather just continue to do shitty physical labor for piddling amounts of money. I'm sure Yip just passed along some information. If only I had some information that somebody would pay a lot of money for! Although everything I know will eventually wind up in a comic book review, so anybody wanting to learn anything from me can get it for free. They'll just have to wait and wade through dozens of posts about how I feel more emotionally attached to comic book characters than to my parents.

Meanwhile, Commissioner Batman begins his battle with the Joker Robot.

The Honey Bunny Bat Armor was financed by Wayne Enterprises and The Powers Corporation. Who the hell backed Jokerbot 9000?!

Yip, Bullock, and Montoya head for the Jokerbot because they love to stand around ineffectually as they completely fail their city. Yip tries to get them to head to the circus because she's probably not as dirty as everybody thinks she is. She knows about some crime (probably that Cirque de Assassanation that's about to go down) that mere human detectives actually have a chance to avert. But Montoya seems obsessed with getting killed by the Jokerbot so she drives directly at it which doesn't turn out so well.

JOKERBOT SMAAAA...should probably think up a different sound effect when destroying things.

Luckily Commissioner Batman is nearby to catch the car before everybody inside of it dies. I think this might be part of the Sneak Peek, so Yip needs to pretend to be stuck in the truck now as it explodes instead of obviously sneaking out the back.

Montoya and Bullock get clear of the truck but Yip is stuck inside. She points out that they need to get to the circus because the assassination is going to happen during the rehearsal like I pointed out it probably would fifteen issues ago. I think it was that many issues ago. It feels like this story has been going for over a year, right? Anyway, Harvey moves Montoya away from the van and then lights the gas leaking out of it and blows Yip to hell. Except I'm sure Commissioner Batman saved her while Montoya and Harvey weren't looking. That's why Harvey lights the gas without any hesitation. I'm sure his plan with Commissioner Batman to "kill" Yip was just to make it look like she'd been killed so everybody stops trying to bust her ass. Especially those assholes Keyes and Alvarez. And now with the information he received from Yip before blowing her up, Harvey can clear her name by pointing out she wasn't dirty at all! She was clean! And helpful!

The Day of the Dead gang members freed by Jokerbot 9000 have gone back to the circus to perform and to also shoot somebody in the throat. I forget who the cops are protecting. Does it matter?

See? It doesn't matter! The cops should be protecting themselves. I hope the targets are Keyes and Alvarez!

Commissioner Batman and his crew, Julia and Daryl, figure out a way to make Jokerbot overheat. The core explodes and Jokerbot's massive amount of armor contains the blast. The Joker's Daughter ejects out of the head where she was controlling it. I guess the Falcone family paid for this monstrosity. Although why they would hire a fifteen year old runaway to drive it is beyond my almost human comprehension.

Holy crap! I just realized the purpose of this story!

Manapul must have been tasked with cleaning up some of Ann Nocenti's mess! So he has Commissioner Batman nearly explode The Joker's Daughter's head by backhanding her with a super powered suit of armor. Normally I would feel this was out of character for Gordon to strike a young girl who was posing no threat but she poses a bigger threat than anybody realizes! She could get her Ann Nocenti taint all over the DCYou! So he's got to send her off to Arkham where she can develop a new back story and a different personality. And if Manapul is picking up a bunch of Nocenti's socks she left lying around the Youniverse, he might as well take care of Detective Keyes as well! I know Alvarez and Keyes are being used in Catwoman right now but if just Keyes is killed, Alvarez can continue to do what he's doing over in Catwoman. And that works out perfectly because Keyes was created by Ann Nocenti while Alvarez first appeared in Winick's Catwoman run!

Yes! Yes! Do it! Do it!

Normally I wouldn't be this excited about the death of a Gotham cop but Ann Nocenti tortured me for years with her awful stories featuring Green Arrow, Katana, Klarion, and Catwoman. I would never wish actual harm on a real person so I'm going to take out all of my hatred on poor Detective Keyes. Sorry, Detective, but somebody has to pay the piper.

Who's responsibility is it usually to pay the piper? And which piper is being paid? A guy who lays non-sexual pipe? A guy who plays a flute? A guy who lays sexual pipe? A guy who plays the sexual flute?

Commissioner Batman blows the lights with an EMP just before Keyes can be killed. He beats up the Day of the Dead assassins and saves the day. Jerk.

The explanation for the story comes next just in case you weren't as clear as I was on what was happening. See, Yip sold the cop seating chart to Stefano Falcone so that the Falcones could pay the Day of the Dead assassins to kill all of the cops who refused to take money from him. That would have been Keyes and Alvarez, dammit! Why couldn't you wait just three more seconds, Gordon?!

It turns out The Joker's Daughter didn't get any money from Falcone. She just kidnapped a Powers Corp scientist to build the Jokerbot 9000 for her because she wanted a Robot Joker to match the Batman robot. I have no idea where she got the money or the materials to fund the thing. I doubt the scientist came with hundreds of millions of dollars.

Bullock lets Gordon know that Yip's death was faked to keep her safe and now she's in witness protection. He's a bit upset about it because she actually enjoyed fucking him and he doesn't find people with that kind of bad taste in men often. So now he's depressed that he's not getting laid and his new partner is a lesbian.

Detective Comics #44 Rating: No change. This was a satisfying conclusion to a story arc that was probably an issue or two longer than it needed to be. Every plot point except how The Joker's Daughter funded her Jokerbot 9000 was telegraphed early and concluded in exactly the way everybody guessed they would conclude. Anyway, now that Montoya and Bullock are officially partners, I would like to petition to have Detective Comics be only about the detectives in the Gotham Police Department. I think Commissioner Batman can make appearances but he shouldn't be the main thrust of this comic book. Although I think Commissioner Batman should have less on-panel time than Bullock's cats. How about a back-up feature starring them? DC Comics would do well to have more cat characters in their Youniverse.

Detective Comics #43

"The Ghost in the Machine." Thank you, half-Spanish brain which totally allows me to understand Spanish completely and infallibly.

Has anybody noticed how easily the Honey Bunny Bat Armor keeps getting taken out in every single comic book Commissioner Batman appears in? Over in Batgirl, it was shorted out and completely locked up. Earlier in this series, the knee joints were shot out and it locked up. I think over in Batman, somebody looked at it funny and it locked up. I'm beginning to think this entire Robot Batman Program is a huge boondoggle.

Oh yeah! And at the end of the last issue, the Honey Bunny Bat Armor? Completely locked up. So Commissioner Batman had to manually eject himself from the armor to beat up the bad guys with his old man fists. Probably not a great idea but then that's why it was a cliffhanger last month! See, ending an issue where Batman has the upper hand and he's about to kick the bad guy's ass doesn't constitute a cliffhanger. That's just a poor place to end the comic book. No, the main character's life must be threatened! Then the stupid, Pavlovian readers (meaning readers who torture dogs) flip out waiting to find out how Batman survives what is obviously a completely hopeless situation.

This issue begins with Bullock being more worried than the readers because we know there's no such thing as a completely hopeless situation! Even when Batman died in Issue #40, we all scoffed our cynical little scoffs and went back to our daily routine without a worried thought about Batman's eventual well being. Bullock, Montoya, and Yip rush in to rescue Commissioner Batman only to find that he's beaten up all the bad guys without any help from the Honey Bunny Bat Armor. He is a little bit out of breath though or else it wouldn't be very realistic. I mean, sure, realistic would be Commissioner Gordon's skull caved in and him trying to stutter out the name of his daughter as he seizes, strokes, and dies. But this is comic book realism! That means us morons who read it are willing to believe anything the writers write because we paid four fucking dollars to read it.

The detectives find that while Commissioner Batman was beating up a few of the Day of the Dead Fanatics, some others were stealing the power core out of the Honey Bunny Bat Armor.

Montoya is having an affair with this robot.

While everybody discusses what a dirty, dirty slut and/or cop Yip is, the Day of the Dead Fanatic turns the power core over to The Joker's Daughter. What does a fifteen year old psychopath need with a fusion reactor? Also how did the Gotham Police Department get their hands on a fusion reactor?

I apologize for calling The Joker's Daughter a psychopath. It's more like she's a whiny fucking teenaged brat who thought her parents were abusive assholes when they were simply trying to feed her and provide shelter for her. Also, I hate The Joker's Daughter because she has mostly been written by Ann Nocenti since The New 52 began. I'm not one to bash people for just trying to do their jobs so I won't remind everybody about how poorly Ann Nocenti has done hers. Suffice to say, The Joker's Daughter's characterization has been abysmal.

The Joker's Daughter and her scary faced friends are holding some guy hostage. I bet it's somebody close to Yip which is why she's selling out the Gotham Police! It's why Bullock, Montoya, and Commissioner Batman will have to fake Yip's death. Which would probably just get this guy killed but since this is comic book realism, he'll be okay.

Bullock confronts Yip about being dirty but she doesn't give him any reasons why she turned on them. Of course not! That would be too much information! Readers of comic books can't handle much information before they get so confused about the story from month to month that they stop caring about the comic book. Just look at Catwoman! There are like sixteen different relationships going on between sixteen different people. I have no idea who can trust who! Oh! Maybe that's the idea! The reader is supposed to be experiencing the same sense of uncertainty that Selina is feeling.

Here's a scene with the two most boring cops in Gotham City with some plot stuff I didn't bother to discuss.

After Bullock realizes everybody knows Yip is dirty, he asks Gordon if Gordon will help him kill Yip. He obviously means "help me make it look like Yip was killed so that Montoya, Alvarez, and Keyes get off my big fat ass about her." But he can't say that where the readers will read it or else the story loses all of its tension. But anybody reading this who thinks James Gordon is actually going to help kill a cop, dirty or otherwise, must be a Marvel fan and they're only reading this comic book to make fun of it.

Gordon goes home to take one Advil instead of eighteen of the other leading brands of pain relief while the Cirque de Sowhat drill commences without him. I bet the assassination attempt is going to happen during the drill, right?! Am I right? You'd tell me if I was right, right? The suspense is killing me! Maybe I'll skip ahead a few pages and see if I'm right!

No, no! If I skip too far, I might catch a glimpse of Brenden Fletcher's goofy mug and my whole night will be ruined.

The Day of the Dead Fanatics are being transported at the same time as the Circus Drill which really seems like poor timing considering how all of this stuff is kind of tied together. The transport is hit and the Day of the Dead guys escape so that they can go make their Falcone hit on somebody at the Circus. Meanwhile Commissioner Batman is forced to suit up again and investigate the prisoner's escape only to run into his lost power core. It's currently being used by a massive Honey Bunny Joker Bot. Surprise!

I suppose the Jokerbot is being controlled by The Joker's Daughter since she paid to have the core stolen. The real question is this: "Where did The Joker's Daughter get enough money to fund this massive robot project and to pay some of the best mercenaries in the business to steal the battery for the robot?" Maybe all of her followers busk eighteen hours a day to fund The Joker's Daughter's Giant Jokerbot Project?

Detective Comics #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't really know what to think about this comic book right now. I want to see more of Harvey Dent in action but the story here is moving at the slowest pace of any comic book I've ever read in my life! I think the appearance of the Jokerbot was supposed to make everybody reading forget how long it took to get to it. We're now three issues past the Sneak Peek comic in Convergence: Justice League #2 and the story still hasn't caught up to the story where Yip is killed by her teammates. It's definitely closer but I think I've completely lost interest in it. How about we all just forget it ever happened and pretend that only this Jokerbot plot matters from here on out. Deal?

Detective Comics #42

This cover is too artsy for me. And by "artsy," I mean "incomprehensible." And by "me," I mean stupid dumb idiot moron.

If Harvey Bullock is now the main character of Detective Comics, shouldn't Harvey Bullock be on the cover? Does DC Comics have an issue with putting fat slobs on the cover? Oh, don't get your twisters in a knick! I mean Harvey is both fat and a slob not that all fat people are slobs. I suppose if Harvey were on the cover, some people might pick this comic book up thinking it's the new issue of Section Eight.

Last issue ended with Montoya, Yip, and Bullock rushing off to save Commissioner Batman's ass. Only one of those three officers to the rescue do not currently have cum dripping down the inside of their leg.

Commissioner Batman is having trouble battling bad guys in skeleton costumes with automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades. Such an amateur. He's going to have a new found respect for Batman when Batman comes back. Maybe that's Batman's plan! The Gotham Police will see firsthand just how super duper expensive it can be to battle the real threats to Gotham City. When he finally returns, they'll be all, "Oh yeah, buddy! You can go back to being a vigilante as long as you pick up the tab. Mad respect for however you please Bruce Wayne on a regular basis to convince him to pay for all the battle gear you blow up each week and all the explosives (non-lethal, of course!) you use! You must be real nice to him, right? Wink wink! Nudge nudge. Coughhomocough." I imagine Gotham Cops aren't very subtle and spend most of their time either calling another cop gay or protesting that they're not gay after another cop called them gay.

The skeleton gang fail to kill Commissioner Batman (which it seems was the whole point of the attack) but they do put the Honey Bunny Bat Armor out of commission by shooting out its knee joints. So for the cost of two bullets, Commissioner Batman's armor needs to go back to the shop for what will probably be millions of dollars in repairs. I think the Skeleton Gang wins this round.

Since returning to the Gotham Police Department, Renee Montoya has noticed that there are an awful lot of dirty cops.

I wonder what impressed Yip the most about Bullock? His gruff, no-nonsense attitude, or the smell of the litter box in the middle of his studio apartment?

Later that night, Jim Gordon stops by to pout. "Nobody likes me," he says. "They all think I'm stupid," he says. "They're all laughing at me," he says. "If Batman comes back, he's going to kick my ass for turning him into a laughingstock," he says. All of those things are true, especially the last one. Bullock just listens and drinks his beers and says, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman?"

The backup Batman team of Yip, Montoya, and Bullock stand around waiting for Commissioner Batman to fuck up so they can swoop in and delay the bad guys until Alvarez and Keyes show up. Yip goes off to get some coffee and hops immediately on the phone. Bullock says to Renee, "You know I'm fucking Yip, right? A real woman? And I never get to do that so could you check on this number that keeps calling her cell phone because I don't want somebody else fucking Yip because then she might stop letting me fuck her." And Renee is all, "You realize how Yip is always the object of the sentence when you talk about the two of you fucking, right? You know she's also fucking you, right? The only difference is she'd probably never tell anybody about it." So now Renee is going to find out that Yip is in contact with cop killers!

The Skeleton Crew ambush Commissioner Batman and short circuit his suit. So he gets out of his suit to fight them hand to hand. It's a good thing the armor release mechanism is manually activated! Or a bad thing because Jim is probably going to get his ass kicked next issue.

Detective Comics #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. I like the interactions between Montoya and Bullock but they're too short and not often enough. Like last issue, it didn't feel like there was really a lot going on. The "Yip is a Dirty Rat Cop" plot continues to slowly slouch toward the story that was already told in the Sneak Peek. I have a feeling the whole point of the Sneak Peek was to make the reader think the other cops discover Yip's dirty secret and are forced to kill her on duty to make it look like an accident. But it has to be misdirection or else it means almost nothing except to make these current issues of Detective Comics without tension. So the Backup Batcrew will probably discover Yip is betraying the Gotham Police but they'll find out that she's being extorted or blackmailed. Whatever the case, it'll be against her will. And the only way to get the bad guys off of her case is to fake her own death. Aside from the Sneak Peek kind of ruining the pacing of Detective Comics if what it portrayed was true (and even if it is a fake death scene, Detective Comics is currently a kind of boring slog (except for Harvey and Renee!)), it's also impossible to believe that Harvey, Renee, and Jim would murder a fellow cop. And that being the case, there's just no tension in this whole "Yip is Dirty" plot. And I don't mean she's dirty because she's banging Harvey! Oh!

Detective Comics #41

Insert toothy blowjob joke here.

Detective Comics has become a comic book about Harvey Bullock which I am completely for. Batman starring Jim Gordon doesn't work because Jim Gordon is not Batman nor has he put in the time to be Batman. I get that Batman #41 was basically Snyder's essay trying to convince the reader to buy into it. But I'm stubbornly not going to. But this comic book is called Detective Comics and Harvey Bullock is a detective so it's okay for Harvey to be the star of this comic book. Rules. I just love rules! If you're reading my Detective Comic book reviews in order and you just read the Endgame issue, just ignore everything I said in that one about how I love anarchy because today I'm into rules! The more rules the better! Especially if the main punishment for breaking rules is spanking.

This issue begins with Harvey about to have sex while Commissioner Batman battles a guy in a Halloween skeleton costume. At least I think it's Harvey! He's got a bit of a gut and stubble and he's going on a bit about how crazy it is that he's about to have sex with a dead woman. Or a supposedly dead woman because the woman must be Yip. Who else is currently interested in Harvey Bullock? Who else has ever been interested in Harvey Bullock?! He's a slob!

Don't worry! This is sex from the guy's point of view so the comic didn't get a Teen Plus rating.

Commissioner Batman blows up and apparently Harvey does too because he turns on the light and tells Yip their date is over. That's when the comic book flashes back to three weeks ago so readers can get caught up on why Yip would let Harvey put his Bullock in her Nancy.

Three weeks ago Commissioner Maggie Sawyer asked Harvey Bullock to lead the Commissioner Batman team. But Harvey doesn't want to play second fiddle to a guy playing a huge armored fiddle with bunny rabbit ears. Unless that armored fiddle player is Jim Gordon, of course. But Jim has yet to agree to be Commissioner Batman. I guess, three weeks ago, Jim was still on leave after the whole killing two hundred civilians in the line of duty fiasco. Until Jim returns, Harvey wants to keep searching for the real Batman but Commissioner Maggie won't let him. So Harvey goes back to his old job where he pouts, eats danishes, and grumbles a lot.

Two weeks ago, Maggie is pressing Jim to find out if he's decided to be Commissioner Batman yet. The suspense is killing me! Will he accept?! Won't he?! Oh wait. I already read Batman #41 and the first few pages of this comic which reveal that he will eventually accept. Also the Sneak Peeks of Batman and Detective Comics spoiled it. I guess it isn't supposed to be a tense moment at all. Which means what? This is just filler?!

One week ago, Bullock starts a brawl between some bikers and some off-duty cops in a "cop bar." Fuck you with the "cop bar" and keeping non-cops out of it. If I were the owner, I'd...well, since the owner is probably a retired cop, I'd probably allow the cops to run off all of the other customers. Montoya is there as well. Doesn't that lesbian know this is a cop bar?!

I think Montoya eating tacos is a lesbian joke in bad taste? Or is that my bad taste just coloring an innocent taco eating scene?

I hope no civilians come along and try to order tacos off of that Cop Taco Truck!

Zero weeks ago, Harvey and Renee and Yip have all been assigned to Team Batman. They're arrived at the big Commissioner Batman Versus Skeleton Man fight and it's time to end this comic book somehow. I'm not even sure what it's been about so far! Convincing Bullock to be part of the team? Reintroducing Renee Montoya to The New 52? Sorry! To the DCyou? Getting Yip reinstated after shooting that Anarky kid? Oh! That's what it's been about! Forming a team. I guess the final beat will be something about trust or what's gonna work?

Um, teamwork! Teamwork is gonna work!

The final page returns to one week ago so that Renee can reveal to Harvey that Jim will be Batman. The reader is also allowed to overhear a phone call to Yip from somebody telling her to kill them all. I guess that's why Yip has to be "killed" in the Sneak Peek. Because somebody has their hooks in here. But I'm sure by faking her death in the Sneak Peek, it'll allow her to be free of whoever is blackmailing her to kill cops. Probably. Or maybe Harvey, just like every other character in DC Comics, isn't allowed to be in a relationship for very long. He had sex with Yip and that's enough, Harvey. You know what happens next. Somebody get another fridge!

Detective Comics #41 Rating: No change. Nothing really happened in this issue. The Sneak Peek turned this issue into preamble and most of it was preamble that wasn't even needed. I wish Gouverneur Morris had written this preamble! Then it probably would have concentrated on the sex between Harvey and Yip which would have been more exciting than twenty pages of Harvey Bullock refusing to be on Team Batman.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2

Don't expect to see any more of Superwoman in this issue. She was electrocuted for enjoying sex.

According to my air conditioner, it's 41 degrees in here right now. I don't think that means I need to put on a jacket. I think that means I need a new air conditioner.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman walking about morosely in a park because she doesn't get to fight anybody in Multiversal Thunderdome. That's because her opponent was lit up like a festive Non-Denominational Holiday Tree! I'm glad she's making an appearance though. I was thinking about beginning this commentary by stating how it would star exactly zero women because they were all killed last issue. And by "all," I mean "the only female to appear in the entire comic last issue."

This is why I'm sick of Convergence. I have to read this quandary ten times per week. You would think if any characters in this battle would just jump in wholeheartedly, it would be the Crime Syndicate! Stop being such huge pussies (yes, I'm problematic. I'm just trying to avoid being gross! I don't want fifteen year olds (or those with the mental maturity of fifteen year olds) to hate me!).

Superman One Million and Aquaman One Million have the exact same conversation. Which totally explains why Aquaman and Power Ring begin punching each other without trying to talk it out a few panels later!

Aquaman One Million battles with an anchor. I think that's a metaphor!

Ultraman meets up with Wonder Woman which means they'll probably fall in love and declare that they'd rather die than fight with each other. I think that was the plot of a Shakespeare play, "Three Suicides and a Gang Fight."

Tempting? What don't I know about Batman One Million?! Is he gay or just into fucking owls? According to The Bible, the former is worse than the latter. Deuteronomy Something Colon Something.

Batman One Million doesn't want to fight. He wants to team up with Owlman to find Telos and go to prom with him. Owlman doesn't want to fight either so you probably think the two of them won't be fighting. If you reached that conclusion, you don't read enough comic books. Owlman also doesn't want to go find Telos with Batman One Million which makes Batman One Million want to fight Owlman. Batman One Million is an asshole.

The Flashes run by at that moment going fast enough to run straight up a building but not too fast so that Batman can't see them perfectly. Johnny Quick knocks out Flash One Million and says, "Say goodnight, Gracie!!!" So apparently they have Burns and Allen on Earth-3! Sorry! I mean Allen and Burns. But they apparently don't have the show in the 853rd Century. Or Batman just doesn't have a sense of humor. Both of those postulations are plausible.

He should have said, "Good night, Gracie!!!"

Let's see how the fight between Aquaman and Power Ring is progressing! First off, Power Ring shows his ignorance by calling Aquaman's anchor a "trident." Aquaman mentions that he's from Neptune. Power Ring jumps to the conclusion that that means Aquaman can breathe underwater. Does Power Ring really believe that Neptune is a giant ocean planet? Maybe he's just dumb enough to be correct because in the 853rd Century, Neptune just might be that! Wonder Woman lives on and protects Venus and she didn't look scarred from the corrosive atmosphere. Which planet does Batman live on? The one he renamed "Batplanet"?

Batman One Million actually did let Owlman run from him which was the right decision. But Owlman only ran from him when Batman One Million said that they must fight even though he didn't want to fight him. Batman One Million also watched Flash One Million crash into the street after falling unconscious from the top of a building and he just walked away to leave Flash to die. Batman One Million has important business with Superman One Million! He can't let himself be distracted by petty concerns over one life hanging in the balance.

Batman One Million tells Superman One Million that the power source for the planet is beneath the surface. So it's time to punch a hole in the ground and spelunk their asses off.

Owlman just looks like a man who was swallowed by an owl.

Owlman surrenders but just before Wonder Woman One Million crushes his skull, Superwoman arrives! I guess she did get her powers back just before the switch was thrown. Or she was pardoned at the last minute by a repentant justice system that finally realized the vengeance driven hypocrisy of state mandated murder. No, no! That would never happen! She most likely got her powers back.

Although Ernie Chambers of Omaha managed to get a red state to repeal the death penalty! Of course the logic behind Republicans changing their mind about the death penalty has nothing to do with compassion and the possibility of innocent people being killed and everything to do with the cost. So that's par for the course! But at least they made the right decision no matter the reasons. I guess.

The earthquake hits while Superwoman and Wonder Woman One Million begin their fight for the fate of their cities. But we all know it doesn't matter so do I really care which one wins?

It's a good thing I don't care because the issue ends with both women being crushed under rubble (and Batman One Million lost in the collapse of the cave he's exploring). But then one climbs from the rubble! But she's lost her gloves or bracers and the shadows are just right so you can't see the top of her outfit which leaves no way of determining which one survived! Take that, readers!

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2 Rating: 10 Rats out of 6.5. Get it?!

Divergence: Cyborg
"The ultimate tech hero thought he knew everything abut his unique cybernetic body.

He was wrong."

I bet he discovers he has a robot vagina to go along with his human cock! If that's not what he discovers, I think I've lost interest because there's no way it'll be as interesting as that.

In the Sneak Peek, Cyborg is killed by some creatures called the Tekbreakers. They steal his arms and his kidneys and then leave. But then Cyborg's backup operating system kicks in and regenerates him. His body repairs itself and he comes back to life, growing new arms, new kidneys, and probably a vagina. I hope he didn't lose his BOOM Tube technology! Although that's probably what was stolen by the Tekbreakers along with his White Noise Blaster Arm. I guess Cyborg's technology needed to be updated after thirty plus years of blasting things with white noise. I have to agree. That shit was lame by issue fifteen of The Teen Titans.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1

Please let this be Jonah Hex versus the Crime Syndicate!

I bet Jonah Hex isn't even on the Fight Card on the inside cover since the Crime Syndicate isn't going to be from Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis! So this comic will probably be Earth-3 Siloportem versus the Watchmen Universe's Tuscon, Arizona.

Remember Rom? I don't. But in 9th Grade, it was my friend Aaron Crawford's favorite comic book. He's also the one who told me about Crisis On Infinite Earths and kick-started my meager comic book collection. Unless it was 8th Grade.

The fight in this issue is Earth-3's Metropolis against the 853rd Century Metropolis. That's the DC One Million cats, right?

This issue begins with one of the Golden Age Crime Syndicate (probably Lois Lane since the Narration Boxes are handwritten on lined pages) thinking about how they're a bunch of fucking pussies compared to The New 52 Crime Syndicate.

Probably Superwoman: "We didn't want to be called the Crime Syndicate! We didn't mean to be bad! It's just that we had been struck by something, possibly destiny, possibly fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Or maybe we just thought robbing shit was fun! But we weren't like murderers or nothin'!"

Pshaw! "If you'd had made...." I guess Superwoman is actually Diana in the original version because Lois wouldn't have made that mistake.

Superwoman is on death row and about to be put to death like they like to do to people on death row. But her villainous cohorts have come to break her free! Maybe! It's hard to tell because remember that old saying? There is no honor among dishonorable people?

Yeesh. It is Lois! I guess that makes sense since everything on Earth-3 is the opposite of all of the other Earths.

Looking into it a little deeper, it seems Superwoman is the Earth-3 version of Wonder Woman but she took the name Lois Lane to make things confusing.

Meanwhile in the 853rd Century Metropolis (which is currently right down the block from Earth-3 Metropolis), Justice Legion Alpha hold a meeting to discuss what huge pussies they are too.

Superman One Million: "No killing, Batman One Million! No! Bad bat!"
Batman One Million: "Aww, shucks!"
The Wall: "BOOOM! I mean, THOOOM!"
Atom One Million: "Croak!"

Flip-flopping back to Earth-3, the prison break commences! Or continues!

I think his helmet is on too tight.

The Crime Syndicate don't run their fastest as far as they can or something. I'm confused now! Anyway, they're stopped by the Rogue Hunters composed of Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang, Weather Wizard, Captain Cold, and Stripesy. Apparently comic book tech works on Earth-3 unlike the other Earths. Or maybe if your technology is shaped like a gun, it's allowed to work because Captain Cold shoots ice all over the place.

I should also point out how closely my fairly shitty, quickly thrown together Captain Cold costume matches the one in this book.

The gloves don't match but I'm sure if our boots hadn't been cut out of either picture, they'd make up for the gloves!

The Crime Syndicate fail to reach Lois before the lever is pulled and she's electrocuted. But I bet the dome went up just before she was killed and she got her invulnerability back just in time! I just bet!

Back in Future Metropolis, Lex Luthor Look-a-Likes One Million continue to hunt Justice Legion Alpha. Probably because their name is ridiculous but it can still be shortened to JLA. Clever!

Planet Brainiac actually waits a few beats too long to make his demands on the "heroes." So I guess Superwoman really is dead! That's okay. There were too many women on the team anyway. Telos teleports the Crime Syndicate into battle with Justice Legion Alpha. Unless they're actually Justice League A like the Lex Luthor Look-a-Like called them.

Most of the Crime Syndicate choose not to fight because remember that thing about them being pussies? Of course you remember that because I'm not supposed to be calling people pussies! That's wrong and I totally apologize for doing it because I'm a huge pussy and I don't want people writing nasty comments to me. But Ultraman does want to fight! He knocks Superman One Million into a building and proclaims one-fifth of a victory! The other four-fifths will have to wait until next issue.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1 Rating: This is only my second Golden Age Convergence issue and I'm completely bored of the Golden Age! Where are the super ridiculous plots that make no sense?! Where is Superman with a lion's head?! Or Ma and Pa Kent dying of some Caribbean disease?! Or Batman tossing criminals into vats of acid willy-nilly?! If these are really characters from the Golden Age, my suspension of disbelief should be straining under the weight of silly, nonsensical stories targeted at children! This story seems to have mixed up "whimsical" with "boring." Is Convergence over yet?!