Worlds' Finest #20

Before Ward Kendall, Hero of America's Traditional Values (if the only traditional value you're concerned with is having "white" skin, that is), interrupted me in my last commentary, I was about to delve a little bit into my past. One of the thousands of themes that I keep coming back to across my thousand plus comic book commentaries is how little we actually change as people. I suppose it's why people like Ward Kendall have such a hard time dealing with a society that doesn't fit his idea of past tradition. Not that people don't change in a wide variety of ways. But there are essential bits of us that don't come down to our ideology or our religion or our political beliefs. They're aspects of the way we act and approach the world around us. They do not define us but they often control the way we present ourselves to the world around us. Perhaps they're the things that cause other people to attempt to define us. Say a person is deemed "weird" in kindergarten, they are likely to continue to be thought of as weird as an adult simply because they retain the same mannerisms across the years that grate and chafe against what people trying to fit in deem as normative. I'm beginning with some crap my mom kept about my first year of school: kindergarten.

Before I scan in a few artifacts from the time, I should point out that the best piece of evidence that I'm still the same person I was in first grade is currently lost. But I think this other shit is interesting as well. We'll get to Batman soon enough, comic book nerds!

My mother circled "Awards" and "Achievements" as things that were enclosed in the Kindergarten File. Let's just say she's really stretching the definition of those words.

As you can see, I began school at the tender age of four. Although that point might be arguable. I was enrolled in school at four years of age. But seeing that my birthday was just a few weeks later and every day I simply sat by myself refusing to do anything the teacher asked of me for the first one or two months, it's possible I didn't actually "begin" school until I was five. I don't remember what eventually turned me around on the whole school experience. Maybe it was playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals. Or perhaps by the time I wanted to join in, I had met my best friend Judy. Or I might have been lured in by my absolute, all-time favorite activity of Kindergarten (no, not nap-time although, come on! Awesome): playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" I've never in my life done heroin but I imagine it's akin to the feeling of keeping the button in your hands and pretending to pass it on to the child sitting on the carpet next to you. The elation! The power! The screwing over of the masses! It's also possible this game taught me that fucking the system and inciting chaos was the only way to live.

So I was the youngest kid in my class throughout high school. I think that means something about the way I view myself among my peers or something. I'm sure somebody's done a study that I'm supposed to be interested in so that I can lose a little bit of myself and my own individuality by seeing that all kids in the same group wind up the same way. I'm going to blame all of my failures on Youngest Kid in Class Syndrome!

I'm sure I sandbagged this IQ score!

I'm sure my mom was thrilled to think she had some kind of evil genius baby boy only to be betrayed by his declaration that he wanted to be a truck driver.

Apparently we took some bullshit IQ test in Kindergarten to find out which kids should be culled from the herd of average cows. That's what that "MGM Class" note means. I think the "G" stands for gifted but I'm too fucking stupid to figure out what the "M"s stand for. C.W. Haman Elementary decided to drop the gifted class across all grades before this class even began. We wound up having GATE (Gifted and Talented Education. Unless it was actually "Great Access To Evil" since C.W. Haman was apparently a school for budding Satanists) for 4th through 6th Grade only.

Notice how I made no new friends. That will remain consistent throughout school. Not that I didn't have friends (like Judy I mentioned!); it's just that I never told anybody about them.

So what were my achievements in Kindergarten?

Nine stars on a strip of paper, bitches!

A Yellow Ribbon for Participation! And what did I participate in to earn this esteemed badge of honor?

A picnic!

So to sum up Kindergarten: I rocked a fucking picnic, I earned Nine out of Who Knows How Many Stars for some mystery reason, I made no friends because they were all fucking jealous of my "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" skills, and I dreamed of being a truck driver, the meth-fueled backbone of American industry! Mom and Dad must have been so proud at the stellar amounts of potential I was wasting. And I never disappointed them!

So now that I'm done with the discussing me part of this commentary, I guess I'll get back to Batman, Superman, The Huntress, and Power Girl as they tell New Gamorra to knock it the fuck off. First things first: keep Power Girl and Superman from crashing to the Earth from a low level orbit.

I hope Batman winds up having a soft spot for The Huntress. I'm sure when he finds out she knew Damian, there will be some bonding and Bat-Tears (caused by Joker Dust, of course).

I was disappointed when I realized First Contact was going to bounce back and forth between this series and Batman Loves Superman. I understood why! It's a perfect way to present this story. But I was looking forward to Levitz' version since I realized it's going to be more emotional and full of heart. Pak's version was just going to be a lot of Superman and Batman pulling out the Bat-Ruler and comparing penis sizes. Sure, that's exciting and informative but there's a time and a place for it. That time and place is not a story about how my two favorite BFFs from Earth 2 finally meet their familial counterparts on New Earth. Believe me when I say family reunions are not the best time for comparing genitalia.

Power Girl's powers have returned to normal because Superman caught whatever she had (a severe case of Gamorran Nanites, it would appear). Batman slings some Kryptonite around Superman's neck and heads off with Power Girl to stop Kaizen Gamorra from doing whatever despicable thing he's doing. They know it's despicable because he's Kaizen Gamorra. I don't think anybody by the name of Kaizen Gamorra has ever done anything not evil. The Huntress and Superman remain out of the fight because Superman has lost his crazy time powers thanks to Batman's Kryptonite. Eventually a Gamorran Super Soldier comes looking for the Nanites in Superman's body. The Huntress steps up to save the day because Superman is useless. Superman doesn't think he's useless or want to admit that he's useless but he is. Totally useless. Like Aquaman.

The other half is Catwoman! See how I pick up on subtlety! Unless that wasn't subtle. I have a hard time noting subtlety because everything is so obvious to me!

Meanwhile Rorschach Batman and Power Girl infiltrate New Gamorra. They do this by simply flying to the island. Old Gamorra never would have let anybody get this close without their knowledge! I guess the Son of Kaizen Gamorra is a pale copy of his old man. I bet even though he's only half-Kaizen Gamorra, Regulus would not be ambushed by the likes of Batman. Although he was ambushed by Batgirl, so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Batman wants to sneak in like a sneaker but Power Girl thinks Batman is an asshole. I can't argue against that but that doesn't mean her method of invading New Gamorra is any better. Her method is to knock on the front door and make friends with Son of Kaizen Gamorra because he titillates her fancy pants. Not only is he interested in her for the obvious reasons (her strong will and intelligence) but also because her molecules are all left-handed. Left-handed is another way of saying kinky. So I think the next step for these two lover birds is to find a men's bathroom.

Although I just thought of something! If the Nanites were seeking left-handed molecules and those molecules can only come from a left-handed universe, why did the nanites decided to occupy Superman? I guess he's freakier than I first imagined!

Batman discovers via sneaker-mode that the Son of Kaizen Gamorra has been using Power Girl's DNA to build an army of partially Kryptonian Clone-Things. Power Girl doesn't discover this until Son of Kaizen Gamorra gets creepy with her.

He doesn't think he can hurt her. But he thinks his Clone-Things can.

Meanwhile Helena and Kal have arrived on New Gamorra posing as journalists. I'd sooner pose as pedophiles.

Worlds' Finest #20 Rating: No change. So far it seems that nobody likes Batman. I'm not even sure Alfred likes Batman. The only chance of anybody ever liking Batman at all lies with Selina Kyle and I think he's going to reject the fuck out of her because Batman doesn't know how to be loved. Superman, on the other hand, is well liked by almost everybody who knows him even though he's a complete asshole. Batman and Superman had better stop with their childish rivalry since they only have each other.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1

Is this the line where I make the "Fist Contact" joke?

Another annual to get through! It's not too bad because I like these characters. Unlike trying to slog though an extra issue of Teen Titans. Plus a bonus cover by Emanuela Lupacchino! Let's just look at that awhile. Can I just look at it for an hour and then end my commentary? Maybe make punching noises? Socko! Blammo! Pow! Right in the cock sucker!

Maybe I shouldn't assume that The Huntress is into dick. It's not like she's flying around like Power Girl fucking every good looking boy she can get her super fast hands on. She could have a crush on her best friend. Or maybe she just doesn't ever think about fucking because justice is so important! "How can one, lone Robin think about a full pair of lips rubbing themselves gently across her blossoming lady flower when evil's tongue licks salaciously at the sight of Justice's full rump?" is what she would probably say.

This Annual is called "The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl" because it takes place years ago on Earth 2. It begins with Batman and Robin raiding the best little whorehouse in Gotham.

This guy is desperately trying to remember the policy on refunds. Or if his consort has time to finish her handjob before Batman and Robin turn their attention toward him.

Once all the hired muscle are unconscious, Batman sends Robin home because he doesn't want her dying like her mom did. That's actually the case they're working on right now: The Case of the Curious Cat. Batman is terrified of losing Helena as well, so he doesn't want her risking her life. But she probably will risk it! Just like Dick did in Batman and Robin Annual #2! Maybe I can just copy and paste what I said there and use it here.

I really can use my commentary from Tomasi's Annual! Batman realizes Robin isn't going home because she's a teenager so he follows her discretely to see how she does on her own. I hope she doesn't resort to using a gun. She doesn't use a gun but she manages to spear a guy through the liver with a fire poker! I think Helena can get away with murder because she's the daughter of Bruce's true love, Selina. Plus life is dirt cheap on Earth 2! Probably. It's a pretty shitty Earth.

Everybody on New Earth suffers from Daddy Issues and everyone on Earth 2 suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. That's why Superman became Flip the Fuck Out Superman after being kidnapped by Darkseid! And Batman became Bedlam and Wonder Woman became Beguile!

The second chapter is about Power Girl going out on the town to learn about how awesome sex probably is. I mean how awesome it definitely is! Especially when the one thing happens to the lady! And then that other thing happens to the person the lady is doing it to! So awesome. Power Girl wants to find out about that and her Cousin Kal refuses to show her! He won't even let her watch when he does it to Lois! So she's going to find out tonight no matter what the cost! As long as the cost is under twenty dollars because Kal is also a cheapskate when it comes to her allowance.

He must be a super villain because she didn't break his face with her super kissing.

Before Supergirl can find out what Ken's dick tastes like, the Worldgov building explodes. Ken becomes worried because his father, Kaizen Gamorra, was inside. He leaves Kara in the men's bathroom at the park where she's able to change into her Supergirl suit and fly off to save the day. But she's a big secret that has never been allowed to leave the house, so she can't be seen or Superman will be pissed. And since this chapter began with her crying and saying Superman will be pissed, I'm guessing she was seen!

Or maybe just responsible for Ken's death when the men's bathroom he brings his dates to collapses on him.

In Chapter Three, Helena and Kara finally get to hang out as they investigate the explosion that killed Ken. Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "Leave the investigating to me!" And Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "I think I found a clue!" And Supergirl says "OWIE!" as the clue punches her in all the lady parts.

All her parts are lady parts!

The clue flees when Supergirl has to stop being punched long enough to save Robin from being crushed in the rubble. But they eventually track her down and continue the fight because they had to change locations for some reason! Perhaps it's because they had to wind up where Wonder Woman was so the cover wouldn't be a total lie. Wonder Woman doesn't want Supergirl beating up the clue because the clue is her daughter, Fury. For some reason, Wonder Woman's daughter is now working with Apokolips. Also she Boom Tubes to safety while Supergirl and Wonder Woman argue. And that's the end of that for some reason.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1 Rating: I guess I just spent $4.99 to find out that Fury was Wonder Woman's daughter! I guess if you twisted my arm (and other things if I ask nicely), I'd say there was more to this comic book than that revelation. But not much more! Maybe the fact that we found out Batman of Earth 2 is ticklish! That might be important later. Maybe that's how they'll defeat Bedlam! By throwing a tickle party in his pants.

Worlds' Finest #19

This is an equal match-up because The Huntress was trained by Batman #2 who is far smarter and more experienced than Batman #1. Also, she was trained by Catwoman so Batman #1 might have weird feelings about her. I mean, that training will give her a sexy edge. I mean a fighting edge! Oh, forget everything I just said. I hope these two fuck.

The Huntress has been explicitly calling Batman of New Earth "Not-Dad." And who is more apt to be a romantic interest for a young lady than somebody that is so totally not her father that she refers to him as "Not-Dad"? That isn't creepy at all or anything. Is having them punch each other until one of them ends up in the hospital a better plan? Of course not. Sex is always better than violence even in cases of incest. I'd much rather a mother love her children so much that it winds up in intercourse than have a mother kill her children and fly off in a chariot pulled by dragons.

This issue begins Hentai style.

It's cool, Karen. It probably just wants to cuddle.

Karen is currently mining for diamonds to pay her lawyers bills so she can keep thinking about Shakespeare and boys' asses without worrying about bankruptcy. Little does she know, she's stealing from Aquaman! That will be the next Worlds' Finest crossover: "Boring Contact: The Team-Up Nobody Clamored For!"

Since Power Girl is having money problems paying for lawyers to get her company back from Desaad Industries so that she won't have money problems anymore, Helen is probably going to have to take out another loan from Not-Dad. But Not-Dad is probably keeping a close eye on his bank accounts now that Damian is too dead to do it for him. Also, The Huntress and Batman are on the cover wrestling this month. That's a big clue.

I think R.B. Silva has drawn the Boob Window a bit too low. It's actually more of a Cleavage Window than a 95% Chance of a Nip-Slip Window. I'm fairly certain if Power Girl throws a single punch with this get-up, one tit is popping out of that hole.

Power Girl picks up Helen dressed in pajamas to fly her around New York simply to prove that her powers are working. Which, of course, means that her powers are just about to cut out and cause a bunch of trouble. Helen's advice to Karen is that she needs medical help. And since most doctors on Earth are busy trying to get the right to be like Veterinarians so that they can euthanize most of their patients, Karen is probably going to have to contact Superman or Supergirl. Which means she'll probably wind up meeting Dr. Veritas, Omniologist! If an Omniologist can't cure her then that Omniologist is going to have to think up a new career title.

Once Karen gets pissed off at her lawyers at a meeting and nearly burns down the entire building with her heat vision, she'll probably find it prudent to seek professional help. Luckily Eye Lasers don't look like money so the lawyers don't notice them. Their first instincts are to figure out who they can sue when things start catching on fire.

Meanwhile, Helen takes a walk across the set of "Death: The High Cost of Living."

Karen decides to finally visit Superman while Helena figures it's time to introduce herself to Not-Daddy. I wonder when the aliens are going to appear for First Contact! Oh wait! Superman is an alien! That's what the title means! When Power Girl's heat vision went wonky, I thought maybe the title was First Contacts because she was going to need special contacts to keep her power in check. But before that, I thought maybe this was going to be a Star Trek crossover. But now I get it! First Contact has to do with dogs! Power Girl's first meeting with Krypto and The Huntress's first meeting with Titus. So obvious!

I guess the idea of meeting Not-Dad for the first time has fucked up The Huntress's capacity for logic since she decides the first meeting with Batman should begin with her staking out Wayne Manor and then marching right into the Batcave. Maybe if her problem was not getting her ass kicked by Batman enough, this would be a viable solution. But for meeting Batman without arousing his incredibly paranoid suspicions? Big time failure.

Over his video surveillance, Batman watches The Huntress approach the secret Batcave entrance with her Remote Control Bat-Garage Door Opener. It doesn't work but Batman drops his wi-fi encryption so that The Huntress believes she has made it inside undetected. I wonder what Batman has named his wi-fi signal? Since it's paid for by Bruce Wayne, it's probably something disgusting like "MadBitchz." Got to play the secret identity angle at every turn! Nobody would believe Batman would name his wi-fi connection with anything other than a bat pun. He's probably just call it "Batsignal."

All in all, the meeting begins pretty rationally.

At least nobody has hit anybody on the first page. I bet if Alfred walked in right now, Helen would break down in tears.

I hope they talk about Damian for a bit. But only after Batman's suspicions have been allayed or else he might get extra defensive and scream "What do you know about my son?!" and begin throwing Batarangs everywhere.

The Huntress trips a light sensor and winds up in a cage. Batman calmly asks her to explain herself and she starts with, "It's a long story...". And then the Next Month Blurb says that First Contact begins in Batman Loves Superman #8. Oh fuck. I mean, that makes sense and all. But I'd rather have Paul Levitz doing the non-combat dialogue! I probably wouldn't have worried too much from what I'd read from Greg Pak until that stupid Mongul story arc. Now instead of getting some nice moments between Power Girl and Superman and some nice moments between Batman and The Huntress, we're going to get a bunch of dialogue between one couple interplaying with the dialogue from the other couple, shifting the focus from the melancholy of these ladies' first encounter with their fake relatives to the differences and similarities inherent in the way these men view this odd new relationship in their lives. I don't want to read this encounter from the point of view of Superman and Batman, Goddammit!

Worlds' Finest #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Twenty pages and not one punch was thrown! Okay, a woman was stabbed by a fork but it just played in the background over eating eclairs. I like a comic book that doesn't mind skipping physical threats to give the characters time to just deal with other shit. I suppose if you're not really writing to the characters, the only thing a writer can do is escalate action over and over. It's much easier to make Red Robin react to Harvest or Trigon or The Joker than actually make him an interesting human being named Tim Drake. Or, you know, some other example that doesn't just shit on Scott Lobdell. But those examples are harder to come up with.