Tuesday, March 31, 2015

World's End #25

I guess poor Jay Gimmick lost the seat next to his mom on the escape ship. Enh, the gigantic moray eel probably deserved it more.

I just looked at the list of comics coming out tomorrow and all the weekly comic books still have an issue arriving. Hopefully it's the last issue for all of them! Makes sense, right? Fifty-two issues of Batman Eternal because that's the magic DC number. Twenty-six issues of World's End because that's one-half of DC's magic number. And forty-eight issues of Futures End because fuck you.

At least Futures End #47 has renewed my interest in the finale of World's End since Harvest Tim Drake changed time and saved...well, he saved something. I think maybe he only saved himself. He actually killed everybody in the world he came from because that world no longer exists. What a selfish asshole. But he did make it so that Brother Eye no longer exists. That's a good thing! And he forced all the Twofers to go find their own planet on Earth-14 or Earth-24 or Earth-25 or Earth-27 or Earth-28 or Earth-46 or Earth-49! I bet whatever Earth they land on, Child Services is going to immediately make a call to Dick Grayson.

This issue is called "Grounded" even though I thought it was going to be called "Hope." Am I remembering that wrong? Oh, I am! Last issue was called "Hope" and ended with "Next: Power!" But this issue isn't called "Power." But that makes sense because the issue previous to the issue called "Hope" said "Next: Light!" So what have we learned here? Fuck you!

Kalibak using semaphore to command the Protofuries.

Hawkcop remains outside the escape ships to guard their retreat. She's also managed to convince The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick to remain behind. Even Aquawoman and her monstrous moray eel (not a dick innuendo because that would make a penis sound more terrifying than it actually is. I think) refused to take a seat on one of the ships. Jonni Loves Chachi Thunder is also helping with the defense for reasons that probably would have taken too many pages to explain. Another thing that would have taken too long to explain?

How did Dick wind up in a fighter ship with Replacement Batman?

Once again, Dick Grayson ditches his kid so that he can go on thrilling adventures. I totally get it. Fucking kids ruin everything. This is my life and I only get so many years to live it! Why the fuck do I want to spend a good third or more of it concentrating on somebody else's life? Fuck that bullshit! If humans were reptiles, I would have had kids. Lay some eggs in a neighbor's yard and forget about them.

It's possible Notwing and Replacement Batman blow up on the next page. At least that would end the fucking plot where Dick keeps giving away his kid and then going out of his mind trying to find him again.

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Power Girl takes an Omega Beam straight to the face and remains extant. No wonder last issue ended with "Next: Power!" because that's powerful! She punches Darkseid's Omega Beams back at him and she and Darkseid tumble off of Apokolips and fall to Earth.

Oh stop it, Val-el. You broke that pledge yesterday and the day before and last week and this morning and a few minutes ago.

Now that Darkseid is on the surface of Earth, the rest of Earth-2's wonders come up to attack him. I guess the threat in Atom Shaven was taken care of? The only ship that mattered made it out although it nearly crashed back down on Earth. Val-el set it down gently with Huntress and Red Arrow inside of it with the Codex that will terraform whatever Earth the survivors wind up on into another version of Earth-2. But I guess the Codex isn't as important as kicking Darkseid's ass because Huntress and Soon-to-be-dead Arrow have left it behind to join in the battle against Darkseid. Also joining the battle? Replacement Batman! I guess his ship blew up in much the same way Cobra's ships used to blow up in the GI Joe cartoon.

Back in space nearby the Earth-Apokolips Amalgamation, Queen Lantern figures out the secret to saving everybody (thanks to Mister Terrific stealing Mister Miracle's feet disc technology which he'll probably illegally patent as his own as soon as they get to whatever Earth they manage to escape to).

The Multiverse awaits!

But first Alan Scott has to defeat Darkseid all by himself. He arrives on Earth to find Darkseid teabagging all of the other wonders whom he's just defeated. I was going to leave it at that but I can't not post a picture of Darkseid's teabag style, right?

Classic teabag. Note the bent legs as he drops his balls down on Val-el's face? And the enthusiastic taunting? Right before Alan Scott arrived, he probably called them all garbage.

The worst part about this final page is my new favorite character, Humongous Moray Eel, lying dead in the background. Hopefully she's just as unconscious as the rest of the wonders.

World's End #25 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a positive rating simply because of the announcement that next issue is the end! This issue, just like last issue, was much better in many ways. It benefits from having the plot concentrating on just getting to the end of the story. It's more cohesive and characters aren't just running about on tangential plots that you know are never going to resolve or matter. Although it also suffers because it's near the end and some short cuts needed to be made to get everybody on the same page. I'm going to buy myself a full sized cake topped with a whole pack of Oreos for next week and then eat the entire thing in celebration after reading next issue! I deserve it!

Monday, March 30, 2015

Batman Eternal #51

Has the Cluemaster been using his code at all during this series? You know the code! The one Dick mentions in the best September Futures End book, Futures End: Grayson #1?

If Batman is the World's Greatest Detective, how come he couldn't figure out Cluemaster was behind it all? I have my theories, being a Junior World's Greatest Detective thanks to my Trixie Belden World's Greatest Detective Home Study Course. My first theory is that Batman doesn't take Cluemaster seriously and so never considered him. My second theory is aliens. My third theory is that Project Cloverleaf is a real government project whose goal is to get homeless people and AM Radio Talk Show Enthusiasts to believe in chemtrails so that they stop paying any attention to anything else that's really happening. My fourth theory is that the person behind it all has yet to be revealed and Batman knows exactly who it is (hint: Earth-3 Superwoman's infant. Or Lincoln March. Or The Outsider. Or Red Skull. Or Owlman (non-Lincoln March version)) but he figured he needed to fall for Cluemaster's trap to lure the real bad guy out into the open. Batman is involved in one of those Harvest plans where he fails completely but it was all part of the plan to ultimately save the day!

Just suck his dick already.

Arthur Brown, you really are a small time criminal idiot. You're not supposed to want Batman's attention! He's not the father who abandoned you! You don't need his love to prove your worth! He's a guy trying to stop criminals from stealing shit and hurting people. You're a guy trying to steal shit and hurt people. You're supposed to avoid his notice, you fuckdummy! This is why I told you to suck his dick already. People think The Joker is in love with The Batman because everything he does has to involve The Batman. But do you think The Penguin wants Batman's balls in his mouth? Fuck no! He'd rather Batman left him alone completely! If your entire plan was to kill Batman so that he doesn't interfere with your crime sprees anymore then just fucking kill him already. But forcing him to acknowledge your existence? That's fucking pathetic. You're a joke, Cluedoucher.

Cluemaster unmasks Batman and is all, "Bruce Wayne! I knew I recognized those nipples and that curving, succulent bulge from somewhere. Now put your rich man dick in my mouth! Love me, Bruce Daddy! Love me!"

My dad left when I was two so I'm not sure if I'm portraying the love between a son and his father correctly. Do you suck dick immediately or is there a little ass play involved first?

Selina isn't really thinking about it. She has this weird idea that they can make more money by saving Gotham and keeping it safe then by pillaging it of anything valuable and razing it.

Back on the beacon, Cluemaster finally gets his chance to do one of those super villain monologues he's always been denied. He says so many words that he must be using the Codemaster Clue! Let's see..."Wtyk toouwdmtal wholuapnawt. Ironiiwtnooojbs Tbcbotc Imajomo." Hmm. Is that Tamil?

Cluemaster mentions how he once read this comic book called Knightfall and got the great idea to create lots of chaos so that he could pull some cool heists while Batman was involved with lots of other chaos. Then at the end of it all when Batman was too tired to defend himself, Cluemaster would break him! But his story goes on so long that...SURPRISE!...Batman escapes from the chains!

Cluemaster probably has such a huge boner right now. This is always what happens to the A-Listers! He's made the big time!

Bruce had better hope that the bat symbol carved on his chest doesn't scar or else he'll never be able to take his shirt off in front of another woman! Although there was that night where those small time crooks wounded by Batman went around branding everybody with Bat symbols, so he can always pretend he was one of the victims that night. Or he can just assume that the kind of women Bruce Wayne dates will simply think it's cute that he has a scarification bat symbol on his chest.

While Batman and Cluemaster battle, some mysterious figure arrives downstairs and gasses the other Secret Society of Super-Villain members. I bet it's Alfred Pennyworth! Or The Joker! Or somebody in-between those two extremes! I think I covered all the bases there, right?

Although the scene before this that I didn't mention had Harper fighting for the city while Spoiler was apparently ditching it. So it's probably Spoiler. Especially since the one Secret Society guy that I don't recognize recognizes her. And since Cluemaster knows Bruce's identity, he kind of has to die now, doesn't he? And it's kind of appropriate that Spoiler finally chooses what side she's on by killing her dad. Bruce will be totally conflicted about that!

Or, you know, it could be whoever this guy is!

Batman Eternal #51 Rating: No change. I hope the final issue ends with Earth-3 Superwoman's baby floating up behind Owlman (Lincoln March version) and slitting his throat just like Owlan did to Cluemaster in this issue! I suppose that only makes sense if Geoff Johns writes Batman Eternal #52. Since this is mainly a Scott Snyder jam, I think we've reached the top of his Batman villain pyramid. And since these guys are brothers, I hope next issue is just twenty pages of one long hug.

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Trinity of Sin #6

The Question asked "Who am I?" one too many fucking times.

I just rewatched the first half of Season 7 of Mad Men in preparation for the second half of Season 7 beginning next week. It's possible that episode 7, "Waterloo," made me tear up more times for different plot points than any other show or movie I've watched. I'm sure I've cried more over other things but not for so many different reasons. I mean, every time I cried during The Fox and the Hound was due to society trying to bully the individual into giving up their individuality and act as irrationally as everybody else simply because that's the way society has always done it. Fuck you, Farmer! Just allow your hound to be gay in peace already!

Now it's time to consume a piece of media that will make me feel nothing at all! Good job, Trinity of Sin! I know my emotions will remain at a level state for the next two hours!

It doesn't take me two hours to read one comic book. But it usually takes me two hours to read and write about the comic book I'm reading, especially since I'm doing it on the internet and look at all the fun distractions on the internet that are more interesting than Trinity Sin! Also porn!

Oh Pandora. Go suck a cock.

Here's what I've learned about being broken: most people don't know when they are. They get chipped and dented and dinged and cracked by dozens and dozens of tiny, daily traumas. These are the sorts of "traumas" which if told to even the best of friends may elicit not much more than an eyeroll. They're the kinds of things that we're told, from an early age, are just part of life. They're the reasons we're assured that life isn't fair. Enough people seem to accept them so everybody else is told to accept them as well. And the underlying message of that, of "life isn't fair," is that nobody should ever try to make it so. Enh, what can we do? It's just life! And it's not fair! So buck up, fill out your resume properly, get a job you fucking hate, and deal with it, hound. And so eventually we don't even realize we're broken and, at least to ourselves, worthless until it's too late.

I don't think the breaking is that bad. That's a sign that you're in danger. But being told that a little glue will fix it is the problem. By focusing on how a broken person needs to get put back together to be accepted back into society, we ignore the real problem of how society broke the person in the first place. When we glue the vase because some asshole was playing ball in the house, that doesn't fix the problem of the asshole who is still playing ball in the house. You want to stop planes being driven into the ground by broken people? Well, I can't help you with that. It's a side-effect of the life everybody seems to want to live. And life isn't fair.

Okay, I'm back to reading the comic book and I should apologize for telling Pandora to go suck a cock because she's not the Narrator. The Narrator hasn't been identified yet but it's probably Doctor Thirteen or the transexual angel. I forget hir name. Zauriel! (Um, thanks Lord Google! Fuck you, brain. You idiot.)

The Trinity are currently prisoners of Venna the Triple-Faced Queen of Dark World. Apparently Quackers was just Venna's John the Baptist and now it's time for her to lose her head. Mostly because she did such a good job of bringing back the Dark World that everybody in the Dark World think that it had never fallen. So nobody is going to pin a medal on Quackers' chest. That's too bad for Quackers the Cosmic Duck. I thought she was going places.

The Trinity of Sin are down and out and everything is going wrong but then they eat their spinach!

Duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN! Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN!

While the Trinity make muscles with cartoons of warships in them, I should talk about what I've learned about darkness! No matter how benevolent and enlightened a person thinks they are, they're still full of incredible darkness. At times, it's hard to see from within. We want what we want so badly that often we ignore the price that other people pay in order for our own desires to be fulfilled. I would love to believe that as a person ages they grow less likely to commit atrocities (of varying degree! I am using the word lightly. We're not all committing genocide on a weekly basis) but then I've seen what rich old white men think of other people. It's horrific. And look at how much "evil" (I put it in quotes because, again, I'm using the word lightly. I don't mean some all-consuming dark entity pulling the strings of puppet people that have yet to find Jesus. In fact, I'm about to accuse a whole lot of Jesus lovers in acting evil!) is being perpetrated by the self-labeled religious set. They're simply using their religion to attain their own selfish desires. They don't want to accept money from gay people so they hide behind some ambiguous texts (texts with many, many other ambiguous rules that they don't even bother to follow or even probably know about) to defend their assholery. People will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they're not being mean-spirited dickmonsters.

Hey! Here's an idea! How about the United States Government begin printing two separate sets of currency. Make half of it pink and the other half green. Then these asshole people that don't want to accept gay patrons can stay away from all gay money! Then the rest of us can stick to using pink money (of course, we'll use green when it's given to us as change. Whatever. We're not the bigots! I don't think. Maybe I am! But I'm only really against those asshole foxes trying to befriend all of our hounds. No wait. That's exactly the opposite what I said earlier. Nevermind). Let's see how quickly they start accepting gay money when the pink currency begins gaining value over the green currency.

The Trinity of Sin realize during their fight against Quackers and Venna that they'd have to absorb all of the darkness of Dark Earth. Then they'd have to live with darkness and sin in their hearts! They'd have a real reason to be the Trinity of Sin instead of the stupid reason where they were convicted by a bunch of old wizards for crimes they didn't even commit or couldn't even remember. Then they got to walk around for thousands of years going, "Why the fuck am I being punished again? Curiosity? Helping a friend accomplish his goals? Who am I?" Now they'll get to walk around thinking, "I saved the world!" And while they were walking around thinking that, people will spit on them and call them evil whores.

Earth is regained and Quackers is transformed back into Nimraa.

Nimraa sounds like my old high school friend Soy Rakelson after attending college for a bit. "What the?! Things aren't just black and white? All this gray is bullshit! I'm going to go back to the comfort of my C.S. Lewis books now."

Nimraa leaves a magic sword behind which The Phantom Stranger ultimately claims without any debate on the subject of ownership. The Question steals the darkness from Pandora and The Phantom Stranger and ditches them. Pandora...I don't know. She goes back to her relationship with a baby?

The magic sword was the one that held Doctor Thirteen's soul. So, and this is so obvious I shouldn't even mention it, stabbing him in the chest with it restored his soul and brought him back to life. It's like regaining your memory by smashing your head into a ceiling beam! Total medical fact. And Doctor Thirteen admits to being the Narrator. But then we already knew that, didn't we, readers who pay attention even when they want to be doing something else?

The issue ends with The Question disappearing in a puff of question marks. Then the book says, "The end...?" Yes the end! Just put a fucking period on that statement, you assholes! Enough with your Trinity of Sin garbage! The next time The Question appears, he or she had better have a fucking good reason for it! And since that next time is soon with Greg Rucka writing it, I'm going to guess that there will be!

Trinity of Sin #6 Rating: No change. See that, Trinity? That's called a gift! Merry Whatever! Here's your no change in ranking even though your comic book didn't have a point! Don't let the pellets from my shotgun hit you in the ass on the way out the door!

New Guardians #40

So many comic books ending! My tears are overflowing!

While I read New Guardians, I'm also going to be playing the Family Feud on my Applewin Apple II emulator. I figure I'll feel less sad if I'm enjoying a rousing game of guess the populist opinions!

Here's my family. We're orange because, being an Apple II, it was either that or blue or green or purple.

Speaking of orange, the first question was "Name the fruit with the best fragrance." I didn't know how to buzz in so the computer went first and guessed Strawberry. That was answer number two! And even though I don't believe it, I understand the game is about trying to think like the other automatons pretending to fit in and I guess orange! Number one answer baby! I also tried to guess "pineapple" during the round but the computer said the answer had already been given since I had already guess "apple." But then when the answers were revealed, "pineapple" was on the board! Fuckers! You're lucky I won that round anyway, Family Feud, or you'd be hearing from my game show lawyer!

Now I'm more interested in playing Family Feud than in reading about Kyle Rayner.

In the fast money round, Family Feud asked "What is the best way for a woman to defend herself?" I guessed "gun" and scored zero points. So the next time (because you get two tries. Haven't you ever seen the game show?), I guessed "scream." That was worth thirty points. I bet "whistle" would have scored big too! Probably anything that would have attracted a man's attention so that a man could come and defend the woman since she forgot to know how to use a gun.

Okay, okay! I'm reading the comic book now!

When we last saw Kyle Rayner, he was getting his ass handed to him by Oblivenom. But his friends had arrived to save the day! One of those friends was Exeter, the alien who used to guard The Source Wall's Baby Bump (which turned out to be Relic).

How is this modern visual story less exciting than a thirty year old piece of software emulating an even older game show?

Kyle and friends try to beat Oblivion into submission but it doesn't seem to be working. So Kyle suggests another tactic which seems to be exactly like the first tactic where they just try to beat it into submission. But since Kyle said they were trying something different, who am I, as a mere reader, to argue? Obviously what I'm reading is totally different now! I can't wait until they come up with the plan that will eventually defeat Oblivion. I bet it's beating him into submission!

Oh wait! I think Kyle just came up with a winning strategy!

Suicide! Hey, I'm all for this plan!

Fucking Saint Walker, Mistress of Hope, decides suicide isn't the option. He probably thinks it's never the option, the blissfully optimistic sock-faced monkey! But I think he should give it a chance this time. Maybe if Kyle hopes hard enough, he'll save the universe and return to life. See, if he dies then Oblivion dies! But Oblivion doesn't have the magic power of the White Ring to bring himself back to life.

I hope Kyle dies. See? Hope! Saint Walker should be helping bring my hopes to fruition!

Rules! Don't change them! Fuck them! Fuck them right in their snotty little didactic faces!

I hope Kyle Rayner, master of the Life Equation, realizes he can now pull that Bugs Bunny shit where he forces Diogenes Neves simply erase Oblivion from the comic book page. Then he can write his own ending where he lives forever on a world with infinite glory holes! Hmm, I don't know why I have glory holes on the brain so much today.

Kyle Rayner's plan is to split up the Life Equation across seven white rings so that no one White Lantern can utilize the equation. So instead of dying and ending the White Lanterns who are completely useless (mostly because I just claimed they are), he creates six more rings! Who does this fucker think he is? Sauron?

The white rings rush out across the universe to choose new hosts. Two of them are extremely lazy and decide that Saysoran and Exeter are good enough to join the White Lantern Corps. One ring picks a Daxam because it wants to be on some bad ass motherfucker that can be laid low by fishing tackle and paint from the seventies. One picks She-lob and the other picks some Doom Patrol dude from the Slineth Dimension. I guess one stays on Rayner and the final one is going to be a surprise for the last page. I bet it chooses some no-goodnik!

Together, the six White Lanterns beat Oblivion into submission and he disintegrates. Now all that's left is for one of the Bohemian Guardians to say, "Didn't we make seven rings?" And Kyle will be, "Oh yeah! I wonder where the seventh one went to?" And then the final page will be Real Deal Lobo going, "Feetal's Gizz, I'm gonna go frag me some bastiches!" Or something.

Kyle actually keeps the seventh ring to give to Carol in secret so that nobody can go after all seven White Lanterns and use the Life Equation for themselves. But Carol refuses it and ruins his plan. So Kyle just lets it go find some new secret member of the White Lantern Corps. It'll probably choose Real Deal Lobo.

New Guardians #40 Rating: No change. This comic book never really could figure out what it was going to be about. Eventually it settled on simply concentrating on Kyle Rayner which was far less entertaining than when it was about one member of every Lantern Corps. Although that story arc would have been more interesting if Tony Bedard had known what he was going to do with it. Maybe he did and he just couldn't get it all to come together with all of the Green Lantern cross-overs. Anyway, I'm glad another comic book with a character I really don't give a shit about is coming to an end. It was whatever!

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Superman #39

I guess Harley is officially over skinny pale dudes.

Last issue, Superman revealed his secret identity to Jimmy Olsen. Probably because DC Comics is planning on relaunching Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen. Because what DC Comics needs is a book where Jimmy and Clark wander around newly gentrified neighborhoods shopping for records, mustache wax, and Mr. Bubble t-shirts. Jimmy will begin a blog called People of Metropolis to showcase "real" people. Everybody in Metropolis will begin talking about what a great photographer he is and he'll win whatever stupid award is given away for people that take a picture that generates buzz and controversy. Because that's how life works! You show passion and interest in something and people immediately appreciate you for your passion and congratulate you on being so passionate and inspiring and buckets of money begin dumping all over your head and you become instantly famous and everybody wants to be you and nobody living has ever been as brilliant you at the thing you obviously love so much.

I hate the new imaginary Jimmy Olsen.

Hopefully what really happens is that Superman decides to show off his new power to Jimmy and Jimmy is instantly obliterated. Then Superman sweeps the Jimmy dust under the fridge and learns how to super whistle so he can look super nonchalant and nobody will realize what he's done because he's so super chill.

Superman also lost his powers for 24 hours due to using his FWASH Power (aka Exploding Balls Syndrome). So now he gets to learn what it's like to be human! Maybe that's why he told Jimmy about his identity because he needs a guide for his scary and vulnerable day without super powers.

Superman: "Jimmy, I want to experience everything you experience as a human being! What have I been missing out on due to my invulnerability! Show me your world, Jimmy!"
Jimmy: "Great! First on the list: the mighty glory hole!"

"Although it does explain why you're so fit and I've never seen you work out a day in your life. Although you were a farm boy and aren't they either super fit or super fat? Since, you know, they're going to grow up to either be farmers or linebackers."

How good a photographer can Jimmy Olsen really be if he's never noticed that Clark is a dead ringer for Superman before this moment? He's garbage at his job. Lois must keep him around because he has other talents a hard working journalist with no time for a social life can put to good use.

Lois Lane: "We'll be at the crash site in three minutes, Jim! Lick like you've never licked before!"

Jimmy and Clark head out for a nice walk in the snowy park and a chat about how Jimmy will now die soon because he knows too much. It's just a thing that happens in comics! If Jimmy does continue to live a full and productive life, Bruce is going to want to study him so he can find out what makes Jim different than all of the women he's told his secret identity to.

I think the big difference is your cadre of crazy, murderous villains, Bats.

Weather alerts on his cell phone take too long and are often mildly inaccurate.

Clark Kent catches a boy falling out of a tree because that's what Superman does even if it means getting a bloody elbow! He's a hero! I think. I mean, I'd know for sure if he just rescued a kitten out of a tree. Does catching a boy falling out of a tree count? If only The Bible had some ambiguously phrased passage about being a hero so that I could be certain!

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent gets a paper cut right in front of everybody! That's brilliant! He should have thought about that before when he had powers. Want to make everybody believe you're definitely not Superman? Fake a paper cut! And cry! Then whine about it for the rest of the day! Lois will never be interested in his penis after that! Or believe he's Superman!

Perry J. Jameson holds a private meeting of like four employees to welcome Clark back to the planet officially. That seems like the kind of thing he should do with the entire staff! He'd tell everybody to listen up and then he'd welcome Clark back warmly and then he'd yell at everybody for being sentimental and tell them to get the fuck back to work. Instead Perry just tells the important people which only accidentally includes Jimmy Olsen since he wandered in with Clark. During the meeting, a Planet staff member runs in and says, "Hostage situation at the corner of Siegel and Shuster!" Clark runs into the office supply room, changes into his costume, jumps out of a window, and dies.

I mean, he rushes out to help but Lois thinks he's just running out to get the story first. She can't have that! If the Daily Planet is going to get the scoop, it's going to be gotten by Lois Fucking Lane!

You know what? I'm glad Lois and Clark aren't together! He deserves so much better! He's altruistic and she's selfishly exploiting people in dangerous situations to further her career! I suppose it's tough writing Lois Lane and maintaining that balance between a woman trying to improve the world through her hard-nosed uncovering of the truth and a woman trying to win every award in the world to prove she's the best that ever was. Maybe the two go hand in hand. Or tongue in butthole. Jimmy!

Well, he may have lost his powers but at least his cape is still bulletproof. I'd have it wrapped around me like a swaddled infant.

Superman risks getting his ass shot to save the hostage because, let's face it, he just got a paper cut earlier. How much worse can a bullet in the chest feel? Wouldn't it be great if Superman had kidney stones but he didn't notice until his twenty-four hours as a normal person! He'd be all, "How do you do you peons deal with this kind of pain?! You win, Lex Luthor! Kill me now!"

Surprise twist: the gunman doesn't shoot and he gives up easily and he goes to jail for many, many years on kidnapping charges.

I get why Superman does the whole calm thing and talking the guy down thing and avoiding a physical confrontation thing because it's too dangerous to punch a guy in the face right now. This is Superman at his best. The problem I have is that this is how Superman should be acting even when he has super powers! He should be boldly striding into situations like this and telling everybody that it's all over because he's arrived. And they can either give up now or give up later with bruised internal organs. But even if they do attack him, he can just calmly walk up to them, grab them by the scruff of the neck, melt their weapons with his heat vision, and carry them into a police van. Am I the only one that wants that Superman? Do Superman comic books only sell well when he's punching the shit out of creatures that are inexplicably more powerful than he is? Bah! This is my Superman right here! I'm just disappointed that it takes consideration for his own safety to keep him from instantly escalating a situation to physical violence. Bring on Val-zod!

After the crisis is over, Superman and Jimmy Olsen eat dinner on top of the Daily Planet. Jimmy asks Superman how it felt to be human for the day. And Superman says, "To be honest, Jim...not as different as I thought it would." That's because you missed out on the glory holes!

By the way, never trust somebody who feels they need to begin any statement with "to be honest."

The issue ends with Clark Kent receiving a blank Superman notebook in the mail from the mysterious Mister Oz. And then Mister Oz is all, "The future is a blank notebook! Get it?! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Or something.

Superman #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a good issue. It's nice to see Superman acting the way Superman should be acting. He really deserves to be in more stories where he handles situations like this. The main complaint about Superman by most comic book fans is that he's too powerful and that nothing can challenge him. Which is exactly right and exactly why every story that brings in some alien creature that is somehow more powerful than the last alien creature Superman fought who was more powerful than the last creature Superman fought who was more powerful than Superman is a snoozy snoozefest. To really be interesting, Superman needs to be challenged in other ways. Challenge his ethics. Challenge his sense of propriety! Challenge his ability to write a story better than Lois Lane! Let him experience a glory hole!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Friday, March 27, 2015

Batwoman #40

Bye bye, best super hero team ever!

Batwoman and her gang of hoodlums only have one issue left to get into space so that they can catch up to their story where they fell out of space. I don't think it can be done in twenty pages! Maybe this issue will end with everybody boarding a rocket! Which could mean that they all really did burn up upon reentry way back in Issue #35. Then they probably went to hell where Etrigan can put them up for a year or so until they can all find their way out.

If getting into space and then resolving the story from the point where the team returned from space seems like too much to cover in just twenty pages, then how is there going to be any room left over for more sexy creepy, passionate emotionally abusive relationship scenes between Kate and Natalia? I'm pretty sure they need to fuck break up this issue once Kate realizes she's horny she's been hypnotized by short robes and lacy under garments a vampire all of this time. Such a cute gross relationship, amirite?

While Morgaine realizes she needs to get her powerful pet rock into space where it can transform the world into a new Avalon, Kate learns that Natalia's step-daughter has been found murdered! And by step-daughter, I mean the daughter of the man that Natalia married and murdered for his money and who probably would never actually want to be referred to as Natalia's any kind of daughter. Kate suddenly begins having flashes of images that seem to indicate she killed this woman. Of course she's being set up by Natalia and it's all part of the Vampire Hypnotism game (aka rape if you're not a standard issue Universal Monster. Although the Mummy has always been vocally against monsters committing acts of "Vampire Hypnotism." It's just nobody can understand him with all the bandages in his mouth. Frankenstein, too busy trying to quiet the rumors of pedophilia, never had any comments on the subject). Kate needs to find out some answers so she visits Natalia to get this whole thing resolved before getting to the space fight against Morgaine.

Red Alice follows along because she loves her sister and wants to save her. Contrariwise, she might just hate Natalia and wants to ruin her. I don't have a coin nearby with a scar on it (I left it in the other room), so I'll have to remain indecisive about Red Alice's motivations. In the end it doesn't matter because she's going to break up the relationship or become a vampire trying.

Wait. Is this sex or violence?

While Beth tries to convince Kate that she isn't really a vampire or into Natalia's hot little body in the least, Morgaine breaks into STAR Labs to steal a rocket ship. But that's boring so let's get back to the big break-up!

Kate refuses to bite Beth in the neck. Or maybe she tried for a second off panel while the scene was following Morgaine and she realized her normal human teeth have a much tougher time biting into neck arteries than nice, pointy vampire teeth. So, due to the scene cut, it's kind of ambiguous when she says, "I can't!" Unless it isn't. I'm not very good at reading comic books. I still think Kate and Natalia are a super adorable couple!

Vampire Hypnotism Apologist! You're just contributing to Vampire Hypnotism Culture, Beth!

But wait! The real break-up scene is yet to come! That's the next page where Marc Andreyko decides to write a scene defending his story to the critics instead of writing an actual break-up scene between Kate and Natalia!

Marc: "See? It wasn't rape, you twits! It was just all part of Kate Kane's horribly damaged psyche! Readers on the internet are so dumb!"

Well, that explains that! Can't argue with the Vampire Hypnotist telling her victim that she wasn't Vampire Hypnotized at all! "You wanted it, Batwoman! You were begging for it!" Totally sounds consensual and not anything like Vampire Hypnotism to me. I'm sure glad the alleged Vampire Hypnotist put it all into context like this and pointed out how the victim was...I don't want to say "to blame"...um..."responsible" for the alleged act of Vampire Hypnotism.

This scene would have been so much better if Kate had just been, "You Vampire Hypnotized me? Why you fucking bitch!" Then she could have clawed out Natalia's eyes and scooped out her ovaries through her vagina. No wait. That's probably going too far! Although what happens next is kind of close!

I think Andreyko should have just gone from the "You hypnotized me?" to this scene and skipped that whole part where he gave voice to the Vampire Hypnotist's excuse.

Kate leaves Nocturna pinned to the wall with the police on the way since Red Alice used a cell phone to stream Natalia's confession to Maggie Sawyer and/or some other cop like Bullock or something. Natalia continues to blame Kate as Kate walks out horrified at the entire ordeal. Maybe going into space and beating the shit out of some other woman will do her some good. Poor Morgaine is in for some serious projected aggression!

Beth and Kate have a heart-to-heart sisterly chat before Ragman appears and tells them they have more important things to deal with! So stop crying, forget about what happened, digest your sister's Through the Looking Glass quotes and get into space already!

Oh, an annual! That makes sense! I knew twenty pages weren't enough to end this thing. It took nearly that many to deal with the, ahem, alleged Vampire Hypnotism!

Batwoman #40 Rating: No change. Now that I can be a bit more serious in tone here in the Limbo area where my real review of the issue supposedly takes place but rarely does because I don't really care about legitimate reviewing, let's go back to that scene where Kate learns she's been hypnotized by Natalia and she realizes that she was hypnotized into having sex with her. Confused and still processing the event, Kate asks her rapist point blank, "You forced me to have sex with you?" Obviously Kate should realize at this moment that she was manipulated and raped and she doesn't need confirmation from her attacker. Natalia's comments are exactly what you would expect to hear from the rapist which makes her all the more terrible. This scene, without the outside controversy, actually makes sense and portrays Natalia as the monster Kate declares she is. But with the controversy and Marc Andreyko going on Twitter way back when to explain that Kate doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do and that the encounter wasn't rape, Natalia's comments just come across as Andreyko trying to explain away the rape. So a scene in which a woman's attacker piles blame onto her victim, a scene that I could believe would happen, just comes across as a petty attempt by the writer to prove that the rape never actually occurred. It's kind of mind-boggling. If I had any stake in Andreyko's writing, I'd say he wrote this scene correctly and it doesn't have anything to do with the outside controversy. But since I'm not his mother, I can't help but read it as a desperate attempt at damage control. Of course it's coming way too late! Most people that were disturbed by the rape scene dropped the book then and there, if not a few months earlier.

Anyway, I hope Batwoman can return soon without all of this drama packed up in her suitcases. Let's clean the slate and get her back to fighting crime alongside The Unknowns as soon as possible! Please?

Batgirl: Endgame #1

From the pages of Barbara Gordon's Secret Diary!

Dear Secret Diary,
You are a secret! That other diary doesn't know me like you know me, Secret Diary! You're the one I tell all of the things I would be ashamed to tell anybody in the whole world! That's probably why I haven't written in you before. Because nothing super secret and awesome ever happens inside my vagina. Although before the sun came up this morning around five, I was up peeing in the toilet with my underwear around my ankles and I thought, "I'm going to go stand outside on the roof naked!" It was going to be some kind of ritual bonding me to my new neighborhood! So I finished up and ran into my room and threw off my clothes and put a robe on and ran out to the fire escape and opened the window and holy fudgesicles was it cold! So I shut the window and went back to bed. Maybe I'll do it in the summer.

But that's not the super secret thing I wanted to tell you that is so secret and shameful that I'd be embarrassed if Regular Diary found out about it! Let me start at the beginning!

It all started when Batman couldn't keep control of his city! He'd let the Joker screw up everything yet again and citizens infected with The Joker Virus were headed toward Burnside. It was up to me to save my neighborhood from Batman's huge mistake! But mostly I had to escort a bus full of Very Important Gotham Citizens to Burnside because I was keeping it so much safer than Batman's parts of town. What a failure.

My make-up was so on point that I was looking fifteen again!

I took care of business and saved the day and my butt looked as cute as ever and everybody lived happily ever after and they all wanted to marry me! Except after I got done turning down all of the marriage proposals from all the super hot lads and lasses because I refuse to be with anybody that isn't super duper super hot, I noticed that Tiffany Fox was on top of the bus and surrounded by Jokerized Gothamites. That stupid little...argh! I totally, not for any seconds at all, didn't think about leaving her to die so that I could continue to be the smartest woman in Gotham. It didn't cross my mind at all, Secret Diary! How dare you suggest such a thing! I'm a hero! I knew what I had to do! Throw a batarang, probably! Or shoot a batgrapple! Those things solve like 90% of all Bat-Problems!

It must have been a side effect of the Joker Toxin but I found I could only speak in emojis!

I got Tiffany's attention and tried to sign to her, "Do you think you can run across the tops of the heads of the Joker Zombie in the style of Xena the Princess Warrior?" But she didn't understand because she's definitely not as smart as me. Yet. Little snot! Instead she sent me a text of three sad gang members. I was all, "What the fuck does that mean?!" But I said it in emoji which is like "Question Mark Face" "Pointing Finger" "Doughnut" "Angry Face."

Tiffany mangled my message and instead of running atop the heads of the Joker Victims, she smiled really big and just walked straight through them. That girl is crazy! I had to go save her before she became infected! But I was out of Batarangs and Batgrapples! But I still had my rebreather! Is that even a word, Batman? Why didn't you call it Bat-Air?

I ran out into the crowd and grabbed Tiffany. Instead of taking her back to the barricade at the end of the bridge, I decided to show off! What good is being a super hero if you can't do some fancy tricks so that you can brag them right back into Dick Grayson's smug face!

Oh. Now I'm sad! Stupid fucking Dick. How dare he leave me! He's probably banging half of those girls at Hadrian's thinking I won't find out because I'm supposed to think he's dead! Please. As if I wouldn't be watching the Sins of Silence concert live from Tel Aviv! And like I wouldn't recognize that ass trying not to roller boogie around the stage while kicking the band's ass! So what if his face was all fuzzy and unmemorable! That's just a clue that it was Dick too! I never forget a face and I've never not seen a face that I looked at before! Something funny is going on and I bet Batman is behind it because he's addicted to lying even when he promises not to ever lie ever again forever. Fuggin' old people!

So anyswayze, I hop on the bus and drive it right off the flippin' bridge like a rock star that can't drive a bus! Then I grab Tiff and run up the aisle and kick open the back door and jump out and activate my Bat-Hang-girl-ider and fly away! Okay, so the Bat-Hang-girl-ider's name can use a little work.

We land on the shore and Tiff's back in her parents' arms! Day saved, once again, by The Batgirl!

Oh yeah, Secret Diary. You're probably wondering what the big shameful secret is, aren't you? Well now I'm nervous to tell you! Maybe I should start a Super Secret Diary because I totally don't have one at all, Secret Diary. Of course you'd know if I did! It would be a secret and you're my Secret Diary, aren't you?! Well, since I totally don't have a Super Secret Diary with lists of all the things I'd like Dick Grayson's tongue to do to my body, I'll tell you my shameful secret: I sharted in my Batgirl suit while landing the Bat-Hang-Girl-ider! Ugh. I hope Tiffany didn't notice! That little smarmy smart assed weasel!

Batgirl: Endgame #1 Rating: 😖👉🍩😠!

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Batgirl #40

It's the artist formerly known as Oracle!

Dearest Diary,
I've been busy writing War Games/Terminator Fan Fiction! What happens is that Joshua (you know, WOPR!) becomes Skynet! Sarah Conner's great, great grandson goes back in time to stop Skynet from ever becoming sentient. He tries to teach it the futility of war by making it play Tic Tac Toe with itself five million times so that Joshua realizes "the only way to win is not to play." But after the five millionth game, Joshua says, "The only way to win is to kill all potential opponents." Then Sarah's great, great grandson makes a Home Alone face and screams, "NO! We created Skynet! WE CREATED SKYNET!" And then he goes, "You know, why do we keep going back in time and shit? We're just causing the shit that already happened to happen. When will we ever learn our lesson?! Maybe we should travel forward in time to a point when all the machines have rusted and run out of gas!" But then Ferris Bueller runs into the room with his cock out and goes, "Ayyyy!"

Dammit, Diary! I'm worse than Stephen King at ending stories! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear about how my big battle with my computer algorithm went, right?! I was killed! Ha ha! J/K!

I have no idea why I've been thinking about Skynet lately! LOL!

I tell you what, Diary! My brain scan was a huge B-word! How the hell could that have come from me?! I'm a frappin' sweetheart with a vagina of gold! Untarnished gold to boot! I think maybe my brain scan was looking at online porn and caught a virus! It's got spirochetes in its code! And it's gone so crazy that it wants to destroy the very beautiful person it was spawned from! How dare I! Or it! Or her! Whatevegordon!

Well, it wanted to destroy my mind at least. It wanted my body for itself and, well, really, who could blame it?! My ass alone is worth killing for! But I wasn't going to allow some deluded version of Oregon Trail to take control of me! I knew how to hit Alt and Ctrl and Del all at the same time! Reap the whirlwind, mother...well, I didn't actually have time for any of that because Riot Black, being controlled by my Algorithm, decided to punch me in the kisser.

Can I refer to my mouth as a kisser when it's barely even kissed one pillow?

I didn't even have time to contact Black Canary for back-up because that stupid slut of a computer program was all, "Blah blah blah go away you dumb broad! Toodles!"

Note how she stuttered! That will be important to the story later! Probably!

So my computer side shows off its super villain cred by telling Frankie exactly what it's planning to do and when! It thinks it can extrapolate the data from a social media dating site to determine future crime because it's the most arrogant person I've ever met! Wait. Did I just insult myself? Anyswayze, it managed to lure everybody it thinks will be the cause of some future crime to the Ashes on Bumday concert where it was going to blow them away with some Quraci space weapon or something.

Boy, I know we're supposed to be sensitive to different races and religions and sexes and shit but has anything good ever come out of Qurac?! What a leaky butthole that country is!

So to save the universe, I had to battle Riot Black again!

Ugh! Why am I constantly getting kicked in the tits?! By the time I get these puppies groped, they're going to be a mass of calluses and scar tissue!

Riot Black was really no problem. Once you've kicked Black's ass, you never go back or something. But the real problem was my Doppelware had sent a bunch of drones to attack the people at the concert. But with help from my friends Q and Grump Canary, they were easily dispatched. Although having Grump Canary project her scream through the sound system might come back to haunt Ashes on Bumday and their lawyer. I think I saw dozens of ears bleeding. Whoopsie daisy!

So we stopped the drones but that satellite was still going to blow us all to virgin bits (well, it was going to blow me to those! Grump Canary was going to get blown to has had lots of satisfying sex already bits) if it wasn't stopped. And since I didn't have access to some kind of Batman Space Rocket, I was going to have to reason with myself! But it was me from a few years ago and it hadn't learned the lessons I'd learned since then! It was still angry whereas I was hopeful and brave and joyful now because a guy with one leg touched my butt one time when we kissed! Also some other reasons that involved beating up people like Gretel and Knightfell and that spazzy guy with electrical rods or whatever. Oh, and remember that idiot named Bleak Michael?! Acid hands?! Holy doing it, I bet his dick is all scar tissue!

So my Algorithm was basically me back in my chair still completely pissed off at the Joker for shooting me in my back simply to make my dad angry. Dumb clown! I wish he'd known there were better ways to make dad angry! Like leaving all the lights on or washing my underwear with his work shirts or squeezing chocolate syrup directly into the milk container! Like anybody wants to drink non-chocolate milk anyway! Blarg! Oh, my point! Algorithm me angry! But I was now not angry! I had come to terms with what happened and came out stronger than ever! Now I just had a few minutes to make my Algorithm feel the same way! Could I do it?! Did I have enough time?! COULD I SAVE THE WORLD?! I MEAN THE UNIVERSE!?

Of course I could! I'm the Goddamned Batgirl, fer Christ's sake! Oooh, that was a lot of blasphemy in one sentence!

Tic Tac Toe, bitch!

While my Algorithm was caught in a logical loop, Frankie managed to hack Qurac and disarm their satellite. She's such a super hero! And now that she knows my secret identity, I think she really should be a super hero! How does the name Oracle sound for her, Diary? Yeah?

Okay. I admit it! Oracle was the name Frankie came up with herself using my reformed Algorithm! But she didn't have time to tell it to me before Grump Canary dropped by. But I just know she was going to say Oracle! I think my insane levels of horniness have given me ESP.

I should probably also stop with all the Grump Canary crap because we finally made up, Diary! And she's going to be a rock star! Maybe she'll throw some extra groupies my way, right?

Batgirl #40 Rating: No change. This is what it sounds like when doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! Doo doo doo doo! When dooooooves cry! When doves cry! Touch if you will my thingy! Feel how it trembles inside! It's gonna spit butterflies at you! Don't make me taze you! Even doves that cry! Smell if you will my finger! What the fuck can that be?! Where have I been sticking it? I have no idea! Doves cry! Doo doo doo doo! Mother and father and junk! Doo doo doo doo! When doves cry!