Sunday, May 31, 2015

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2

Don't judge my art skills! I had a cat on my lap and did this one handed on a touch pad.

This Convergence series has Azrael in it so I'm already tuned out. Let's see if I can make this commentary interesting for myself and utterly offensive to everybody else.

This issue is called "Home is the Sailor" because Larry Hama is cuckoo whacko. I wonder if I asked him nicely if he'd write a back of the G.I. Joe Action Figure card style biography for me.

On second thought, I'd like one with less grammar errors and a better Code Name.

This issue begins at some point hours after last issue ended. Wetworks are hunting Azrael and Batman in their home town of San Diego (which is going to disappear before the earthquake hits according to Aquaman!). But you know what they say when you try to hunt Batman?! Batman hunts you! Do they say that?

Anyway, Batman hunts them! The members of Wetworks have names like GI Joes which is probably how Larry Hama got this gig. Although I don't know how he got the Wonder Woman gig. Probably because he wrote Scarlet and Lady Jane and Cobra Commander so well.

Don't we all, Batman?!

Wetworks somehow realize immediately, possibly through smell, that Batman does not kill. Batman realizes immediately, possibly through his half-hearted boner, that Dozer hasn't been kissed by very many people. Dane realizes, possibly through nerve receptors, that Batman wears hard boots.

Wetworks are really cool cats because they're part of the early years of Image where killing was cool. So they're like totally killers and kill everything and never die because they kill first. It makes for really exciting comic books that fits with Image's dynamic art style. It's all in your face and saying, "This ain't your mother's comic book company, nerds!" I think one of their slogans was "Are you an athletic athlete that drinks beer and scores with women? Read Image! We ask if you scored with women because we know women aren't interested in all of our big boobed, nearly naked characters that kill and kick ass. Chess sucks!" It was a long slogan but Wizard magazine printed it for half-price because the writers and editors at Wizard loved giving blowjobs to everybody at Image Comics.

Azrael has saved a kid named Damon who's a resident of San Diego. Now he and Batman are becoming friends with the kid and his mother which means they're going to have to save both cities. Batman already knew he was going to do that but Azrael is all, "Sharks! Now I don't get to kill everybody!" He probably added something in French after that because I think he's French.

Batman and Azrael are inside of an aircraft carrier when Wetworks goes after them. I hope while they're fighting they make cool references to it like "I'm inside an aircraft carrier! Now die!" Or maybe something cooler. I hope Larry Hama has put some work into the upcoming retort filled violence.

The first battle is with Mother One and is wrapped up quickly with no clever zingers.

"One lady cyborg buttoned up and ditched overboard" was as zingy as it gets.

Batman makes a joke later after encountering Dane and Dozer but nobody laughs at it. I think he was just amusing himself the way I'm just amusing myself while writing these commentaries. Let me show you Batman's joke through the magic of scanned images!

Here's Bruce's encounter with Dane.

And here's his joke! Get it?! Hand! Ha ha! Genius!

Bethany, the mother of Damon, Azarel's new friend, has a plan to defeat Wetworks without actually defeating Wetworks. Too bad the city is already doomed thanks to Deathblow being horrible at blowing death. I hope the battle at least has a few good one-liners that I can mention at the water cooler at work tomorrow.

I wonder if "Not nice to pound on ladies" will make me popular at work or just get me sent to Human Resources? How about this hilariously obscene line that Azrael drops: "We are standing on top of half empty fuel bunkers with their stopcocks open...." Ha ha! Stopcocks!

Wetworks chooses to surrender and work with Batman and Azrael instead of shooting Azrael in the face and hoping the grenade misses falling into the stopcocks. The city doesn't disappear when they surrender even though the earthquake hasn't hit yet. I guess Deathblow hasn't lost yet so Batman can feel good about the truce. If the entire city had disappeared after Wetworks lost, Batman might feel bad. But now he can go after Telos with Wetworks and they won't notice when the city disappears! Batman might notice Wetworks disappear. And I wonder if Wetworks will know what's happening as they phase out of reality? Will it hurt? I bet it's excruciating! They probably should have risked their lives on the grenade thing being a bluff. Idiots.

The biggest idiot in the entire story is the kid because he calls Azrael a hero at the end. Bah! Don't encourage him!

Convergence: Shadow of the Bat #2 Rating: This issue earns Five Stopcocks out of Ten. It kind of felt like an issue was missing judging by the way last issue ended and the way this one began. But who cares, right? There was a full month between and nobody probably remembered anything about last issue anyway. I wish I didn't. I wonder if I get completely drunk in the next half hour, I can forget this entire comic book?

Divergence: Deathstroke
"The World's Greatest Assassin takes on the impossible contract to murder an Olympian God!"

Hey! Tony S. Daniel is getting writing help on Deathstroke now! I'm sorry to see that happen because the best part about reading Deathstroke is pointing out how most of it doesn't make any sense. Tony S. Daniel just writes a scene he wants to draw and then writes another scene he wants to draw and connects them with plot that he forgets entirely by the time he's thinking up the third scene he wants to draw which totally contradicts the reasons that the first scene led into the second scene!

And Peter Nguyen is doing the art which means Deathstroke is going to be a completely different experience than the first few issues. I liked when Tony S. Daniel drew it because we were assured at least two double splash pages per issue! Now the only double splash pages I can look forward to are the four or five in every issue of Wonder Woman!

How much can he really care when he doesn't even know his son's real name?

The distraction that takes place is the Teen Titans because Deathstork Deathstroke hasn't really battled them in The New 52 like he's supposed to. He fought the Green Team and he fought Lobo and he fought his children and he fought Stillborn and he fought hundreds of assassins and he fought his father and he fought Batman (sort of unless it was a dream) and he fought some other people probably. But he hasn't battled his arch-nemeses, The Teen Titans!

I thought the fight scenes would be more comprehensible than when Tony S. Daniel writes and draws but they aren't. Wonder Girl gets Deathstork Deathstroke tied up in her lasso but then he does something which makes her fall and Bunker hits a mountain and crushes himself in an avalanche which causes Deathstroke to not be tied up or on a mountain but in a jungle where he's attacked by a green panther. Totally following this. Easy peasy!

Oh! It was a simulation! That's probably why it made no sense. Lousy programmers!

The Spanish Inquisitor is giving Deathstroke a mansion with a Danger Room on a private island because Deathstroke might be valuable to the Dead Bastards some day. Plus he was broke and lost all of his hiding places early in the run because Tony S. Daniel thought that was a good idea. Also Slade is young again and loves looking at his testicles. But now danger is headed toward his island! I bet it's a god! Like the "How We Made This Comic Book Worse" blurb indicated!

Hephaestus shows up to give Slade a sword which he's supposed to use to slay a god. I suppose that's a loophole to the whole "only blood can kill blood" rule of the Greek gods. I guess if a god made the weapon it can kill a god. And I bet the god Hephaestus wants Slade to kill is Wonder Woman because she's getting all of the great big double splash pages these days!

I'm satisfied that Deathstroke is going to continue to be just as horrible as it was when Tony S. Daniel was writing and drawing!

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Convergence: Suicide Squad #2

Thanks, Comic Book Store, for giving me the most beat up cover in the batch!

Speaking of beat-up covers, I dug out my copy of Walking Dead #1! Wait, I phrased that wrong. I meant that the cover wasn't beat up at all. In fact, it looked flawless! When should I sell it? Has the show jumped the zombie shark yet? Oh man. I hope at some point Rick jumps a zombie shark to prove to some other gang of survivors that he's the coolest. And then the term "jumping the shark" would have to begin meaning the opposite of what it means now!

I was going to reread the Baxter edition of The New Teen Titans from the eighties next but I think I need a break from that decade. Instead, I'll be heading into the mid-nineties and rereading one of my favorite series of all-time, House of Secrets. I went digging around the Portland Comic Book Hoarder Store, Future Dreams, and found issues #1-5 packed up for ten dollars. I picked it up because my run of House of Secrets begins with #6. I have the trade collecting the first five issues but now I have the complete collection! Which isn't even worthy of kissing the feet of Walking Dead #1. In terms of value! I love House of Secrets more than Walking Dead #1!

This issue begins with a "NOW" tag but Amanda isn't lying on the floor bleeding out, so it's at least prior to the events which began Convergence: Suicide Squad #1. Frank Tieri is just trying to be confusing now. Unless now is twenty four hours ago. Then he was confusing yesterday.

Can fat people not turn their heads? Or open their eyes?

I totally don't know the answer to that question in the last caption. At least, I can open my eyes and turn my neck so I guess I'm not Amanda Waller fat! I mean, I'm so thin that if this were a picture of me shooting a gun, I would be staring at the floor because I'm too skinny and weak to hold up my head.

The "now" part of the story lasted two pages simply so Frank Tieri could get a splash page featuring dozens of costumed characters. Supposedly this makes the reader want to read the rest of the book. It's too bad the page following the one featuring dozens of characters is a scene from a middle school conflict at lunch. We've got Captain Boomerang making fun of other villains' names (not that he doesn't have a good reason for it! It's just that it paints the middle school fist fight mood). Bane retorting with the scathing "No, you!" elementary playground comeback. Deadshot and Deathstroke in a half-hearted fist fight (it must be half-hearted or Deadshot would be dead before the first panel. It's a fistfight! Deathstroke wins! If Deadshot were to win this fight, the brawl would have been over before Deadshot was within 100 yards of the room). Somebody calls somebody else "garbage." The somebody else claims they aren't garbage at all! I think the cover was misprinted. It should have read Convergence: Degrassi Junior Suicide Squad.

The conflict between Old Suicide Squad and New Revamped Flashier To Hide The Poor Writing Abilities Of Frank Tieri Suicide Squad happens aboard Kingdom Come Lex Luthor's ship which is headed to New Oa. The ship crashes through the side of it and the exciting battle begins!

No, really! It's going to be super exciting! Because the combatants are Deadshot and Deathstroke and Cyborg Superman and Bronze Tiger and Captain Boomerang and Poison Ivy and Bane and Count Vertigo and Black Manta and Amanda Waller and Kingdom Come Lex Luthor and Kingdom Come Hawkman and Kingdom Come Kid Flash and Kingdom Come Atom and Kingdom Come Power Girl and Kingdom Come Batman and Kingdom Come Speedy and loads of other Kingdom Come people that I don't recognize due to my ignorance or Tom Mandrake's style! It's practically a Royal Rumble! If you're not super excited about this match-up, maybe you should be reading The Importance of Being Earnest. I believe that features a tea party and cucumber sandwiches! Dullsville, baby!

Let's see Oscar Wilde write dialogue like that!

During the fight, Cyborg Superman takes over Kingdom Come Robotman and Kingdom Come Alloy (unless that would just be Alloy?). He immediately begins using them to attack other members of the Suicide Squad. But since Amanda Waller insisted on being part of the action instead of overseeing the group to make sure none of them did anything stupid like this, she doesn't notice and therefore cannot blow the nano-bomb in his face before he's able to deactivate it. This is why Generals don't insist on fighting in the front lines, Amanda! Do your stupid job correctly next time.

Star Sapphire takes it upon herself to become a nano-bomb since Amanda wasn't doing her job correctly. She wraps herself around Cyborg Superman and is all, "This is for ruining my business and dropping the stock prices through the floor and making me meet with the stupid fucking shareholders that don't actually do anything for anybody except make the world a worse place!" Then she blows up taking out nearly everybody. But not Green Lantern! Or Lex Luthor! Or Captain Boomerang! Because they're too cynical to be knocked unconscious by a stupid love explosion!

It's hard for a writer of average intelligence to come up with the motivation for a genius.

Speaking of geniuses, did anybody watch that week long 500 Questions game show? Was nobody at all surprised that the majority of the contestants were nerdy white males? Not because of any inherent sexism in casting! But because it's nerdy white males that generally need some sort of claim to being a genius. So however the casting call for the show went out (I'm assuming some kind of push via the internet? And I'm sure there are "game show agents" nowadays too (which nerdy white males who think of themselves as geniuses would acquire!)), I'm confident that 95% of the people who replied were nerdy white males.

I love game shows so I watched the entire thing. I also love train wrecks which helped me to watch the entire thing. Because there is nothing train wreckier than nerds (actual nerds. Not "I love things in pop culture so therefore I'm a nerd" nerds!) trying to act the way (and I'm not judging anybody as better or worse here! It's just that people are different and have different strengths and weaknesses) they think socially competent people act.

The show claimed to be the hardest quiz show ever because it doesn't have multiple choice or lifelines. But seriously? Hardest? It might be difficult approaching it from an endurance point of view. But contestants only have to answer 166 or 167 questions correctly (what am I? A genius? You do the math betterer!) to make it through the entire game show. Plus they get to shout out multiple answers for ten seconds hoping that one of their guesses is correct. That's not hard at all! The main thing going against a contestant is that over time, the likelihood that they will get three questions in a row that they can't answer increases. So to get through to the 500th question is difficult but it's not like they actually have to answer 500 questions correctly. Geniuses my asshole!

Oh! I was distracted so I forgot to mention that the person putting the bullet in Lex Luthor's head in the panel above was Captain Boomerang. That's why I mentioned him as one of the people too cynical to be felled by the Love Explosion.

Captain Boomerang discovered recently that he had cancer and that it was probably due to one of the Suicide Squad missions he went on. So he decided to screw up the mission and take the entire team (plus The Wall!) with him. Captain Boomerang tries to shoot Amanda in the head as well because he forgot his name is not Captain Gun. But Green Lantern stops the bullet and declares the battle over. Kingdom Come has defeated the Suicide Squad! Amanda Waller gets to live!

No wait. Scratch that. They all lose and they all die. Suicide Squad!

The "whatever that was" Amanda mentions was the earthquake. Which somehow shook the floating city of New Oa because Frank Tieri was mandated by editorial to include it in his story. Plus, you know, it's more like a Telos orgasmic shudder which probably rattled the atmosphere as well.

Convergence: Suicide Squad #2 Ranking: I suppose it's fitting that Amanda Waller gets to commit suicide and destroy the entire Squad on the last mission. At least, it's fitting for a pitch meeting. "Picture this! The final issue of Suicide Squad! Amanda Waller...wait for it...commits suicide!" Gasps! Shocked utterances! Accountants scribbling on pads trying to add up all the money about to be made! Frank Tieri carried from the room on the shoulders of his superiors! Champagne corks flying across the room! Cocaine being snorted in every bathroom! Female and male hookers fucking everything that moves! Meth being cooked in the snack room! Russian Roulette being played in the lobby! Jizz flowing in rivers down the halls! A new age of decadence has begun and thy name is The DC Age! Four Suicides out of Ten.

Divergence: Aquaman
"A new look and a new direction as Aquaman finds himself on the run and Atlantis wants him dead!"

Fucking dickholes. Cullen Bunn on another book? Can somebody help this guy win the lottery so he stops turning all of the comic books I'm reading into boring, trite bullshit filled to the brim with horrible Narration Boxes?!

Oh wait! He's trying something different in Aquaman! No Narration Boxes! Maybe this will work out after all.

Aquaman is being hunted by Atlantis (as the "Here's how we've made the comic book worse!" blurb mentioned) because, I suppose, everybody was pissed off at him for finding his mother.

Oh. He doesn't need Narration Boxes because he talks to himself now. I hope he's talking to somebody via radio or else he's gone nuts.

The Atlanteans attack Aquaman with space ships because I don't know. Whatever. But look at this! Here we go again! Has the comic book reading world been asking for Bad-Ass Aquaman again?

This ain't your father's Aquaman anymore! Actually, being that teenagers and young twenty-somethings are probably reading this, this actually was your father's Aquaman for awhile.

Of course, Mera is hunting him down. I guess he finally slept with Ya'wara and she's pissed.

I hate this comic book so much already.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Convergence: Aquaman #2

I'm pretty good at the draw half of a face game!

Last issue, Deathblow arrived to blow death all over Aquaman's face. You have to admit that Deathblow is a creative name. Then you'd have to admit that you're an ignorant moron for believing that. Then you'd have to admit that Image nearly ruined comic books on every conceivable level. Then you'd have to admit that you're so young, you think I'm an asshole for saying how Image comics ruined the comic book market because you're judging Image based on the terrific shit they're currently publishing as opposed to the horrible offal they published in the nineties because 95% of comic book readers were fucking idiots who bought into the Wizard propaganda that the Image style was the greatest art to grace a comic book page in fifty years. Then I'd have to admit that while it was, in general, awful art (I don't have a problem admitting that part! It's the next part that I have to cop to), the old art standard deserved to be shit upon in many different ways.

While I can definitely see why fans of the Image style (which, of course, was developed at Marvel for a few years before becoming the basis for most of the lines at Image) continue to defend it as dynamic (especially compared to what "proper" artists were putting out on a regular basis), I don't know how that's the standard defense for somebody like Liefeld whose art hasn't improved in twenty years (if it has, it's barely perceptible). Pick up Rob's New 52 run on Deathstroke. Most of it looks like half-melted action figures standing in poses which he copied onto the page. Dynamic isn't within miles of that comic book. But then check out Jim Lee's stuff twenty years later. Even though I still don't care for all the lines he scribbles on every face and arm and chest and wall and dog and whatever, I can see twenty years of improvement in his work. I might not be a fan of his art but I'd also never say his art is bad.

I was always a proponent of independent comic books and creator owned titles without really being conscious of it for many years. Along with the DC books I read, I enjoyed Cerebus and Elfquest and Strangers in Paradise. So I was pro-Image in theory. But I never bought a single one of their comics because the art just didn't interest me. I suppose I could have given Spawn a chance back then but I didn't. Whatever they did wrong or right, they helped change the landscape in necessary ways. Of course they (with Wizard's help) created that whole bubble that almost destroyed the business. But it recovered and has limped along ever since. And Image? They currently publish the best titles on a monthly basis. If the big two really want to see money pour in, they need to figure out a way to make creator owned heroes as lucrative for artists as they can be for the company. Writers and artists for the Big Two are always going to keep their best ideas off the company table until they get a healthy piece of the pie. Who's going to give DC and Marvel rights to their favorite ideas when Image is just a phone call and no editorial interference away?!

Anyway, currently STAR Labs is trying to defend against Deathblow! They don't know it's Deathblow coming for them yet or else they'd all be snickering at his name.

Atlantis has a sewage system?! I thought Atlanteans just wandered around trailing big long stringy poops behind them.

I really wish I owned most of those comics from Image's early days now. Mostly so I could do commentaries on them. I'm certain they're all horrible. Doom Bunny has read parts of WildCATS #1 to me! So bad! Also, Doom Bunny owns WildCATS #1! Ha ha! He fell for the hype!

Aquaman leads the STAR Labs technicians and scientists into battle against Deathblow because Aquaman doesn't care about saving people. He could have told them all to hide under their desks but instead he gave them guns and told them to follow him into battle. To be fair, Aquaman didn't know the guy they were facing was a 90s Image character named Deathblow. He couldn't know he'd just crossed the boundary between DC Comics and Wildstorm where the death toll increases exponentially.

Deathblow can't stop with the fish jokes and the shooting bullets. He's annoying! I mean, if his fish jokes were decent, I would probably root for him. But he just says things like "fish sticks!" and "chum!" and "big fish!" and "small fry!" And he does most of it in his Narration Boxes which is a complete waste. Is he just entertaining himself? Hmm, you know what? I can respect that. That's pretty much all I'm doing here on this blog.

Finally Aquaman faces an opponent with a less creative super power than his own!

I bet Aquaman feeds him to piranhas! Would Jim Lee give the go ahead to kill Deathblow forever? I mean, he won't be forever dead, right? He'll reform after the piranha swim around for awhile trailing big long stringy Deathblow poops!

Aquaman seals himself in the lower level with Deathblow. I bet it's a big fish tank and Dane the Sea Devil will know exactly what to do! Flood it with piranha!

Aquaman does that thing where the hero fires a weapon at the bad guy (in this case, his hook) which misses the bad guy and the bad guy is all, "You suck!" But then the hero is all, "I hit exactly what I was aiming at!" And the bad guy is all, "I've never seen that move before ever!"

Aquaman punctures a coolant pipe and rolls around in the leaking water to get extra strong. Deathblow decides he should probably run away to find a secret weapon he secretly knows about.

Why would the DEO have a file on a Sea Devil?! Did the file simply read, "You can only tell them apart by their hair color. And sometimes the color goes wonky in the book and then you can't tell any of them apart at all."

Deathblow breaks into the computer system and activates an Aquaman Failsafe called Drydock. It shuts down all water systems and cranks up the heat. Aquaman is all, "Fuck you, Sea Devil!" And Sea Devil is all, "No! You!" And Deathblow is all, "Let's blow some death in here!"

I don't know. I've kind of lost interest in this comic book.

Deathblow begins counting his chickens because the eggs are everywhere. But Sea Devil is all, "Arthur! Deathblow is full of blood and blood is practically water!" And Deathblow is all, "What is he blabbing about?" And Arthur is all, "I'm going to die!" And Sea Devil is all, "Stab him in the throat and drench yourself in his blood! It'll be a crimson shower!" And Deathblow is all, "Why is he talking nonsense?" And Arthur is all, "I think I might know what he's getting at if only he'd say it more clearly!" And Sea Devil is all, "I can't say it any more clearly!" And Deathblow is all, "Gibberish? Is he speaking gibberish?" But then Aquaman flails around in frustration and accidentally stabs Deathblow in the throat and life-giving blood sprays out all across Aquaman's face! He could have also been rejuvenated by piss or semen.

Apparently the STAR Labs employees are dumber than everybody else. Twenty-one minutes later and he's still trying to piece together what happened.

Even if blood wasn't the "chemical equivalent of seawater," covering himself in blood should still have worked, right? Coolant worked and that isn't the chemical equivalent of seawater. Aquaman was going to turn on the fire sprinkler and that's not the chemical equivalent of seawater. Really, all Aquaman needs is to be shot in the face by anything! I suppose if it's wet and salty, that just makes it all the better.

Aquaman isn't sure how to kill a guy who can't be killed but in the end it doesn't matter. Telos deems Aquaman the winner and San Diego, along with the old Wildstorm Universe, becomes non-existent. Deathblow slowly fades away and is gone. I guess Gen 13 is doomed whether they beat Steel or not then?!

The earthquake hits and Aquaman marches out of STAR Labs and into Convergence #7. I guess I'll be reading that in a couple of days.

Convergence: Aquaman #2 Rating: This issue scores 4 Starfish out of 10 Octopi. The art was not my cup of tea and the characters weren't a cup or a tea or even a place mat. I think Tony Bedard was phoning in his Convergence scripts because he's usually more entertaining in the dialogue department. I am glad that Deathblow still exists in The New 52 though! And that he's black. I think. Sometimes he's black, anyway!

Divergence: Doctor Fate
"Medical student Khalid 'Kent' Nassour awakens the ancient power of Nabu, transforming him into this generation's Doctor Fate!"

Does this mean I'm going to read my first Earth-2 story on whatever Earth the Twofers eventually wind up?

The comic looks like it was drawn by a comic strip artist. And the lettering is a strange, skinny font that's completely different than I'm used to! I can't believe how the comics I grew up with are being ruined by these fontists! Nobody wanted DC to change fonts! I mean, unless they began using upper and lower case letters. That would, at the very least, help me determine if Batman is calling Dick by name or calling Dick a name.

The issue begins with a scene that feels like they're trying to emulate some of that Ms. Marvel magic! And not simply because they're Muslim! Although part of it is because they're Muslim. Although they're Egyptian, so I really didn't know when I read this scene if they were Muslim or not. They could just as easily have been Christian. Later though, Pops says, "Allah be praised." That kind of gave it away.

Their cat is named Puck! Get it?! They must like hockey!

Apparently this Khalid has nothing to do with Earth-2 Khalid. I guess it's part of DC loosening the continuity belt buckle. This one is kind of dating a woman named Shaya which sounds a lot like Shayera, right? Plus Khalid is kind of a dick even though I don't think he's supposed to be portrayed as a dick. But he runs into his cat in the rain soaked streets and tells it to find its own way home because he has to go accidentally find the Doctor Fate helmet. Lucky for him, the cat can talk and is Bast and can take care of herself. Unlucky for him, the cat is a god and he just ditched it in the rain. I hope it tortures him! I guess giving him the Doctor Fate helmet constitutes torture.

I don't know about this comic. It's going to be a bit hard to read each month when it looks like I'm reading some Comic Strip Treasury.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2

Best cover since The New 52 began!

My elementary school friend Philip Newby introduced me to Ambush Bug. He also introduced me to Monty Python, Bloom County, and The Young Ones. He was the first person, in fifth or sixth grade, who I ever sincerely apologized to of my own volition. He went on to be an actor in Los Angeles. I'm not sure he was ever in anything that anybody reading my blog would have seen except for one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Way back when I was still getting the DVDs by mail through Netflix, I watched the first few seasons of the show. My jaw hit the floor when I saw him in the show. It was the one where they go to some football game and spend the entire time in the parking lot. He's credited as Nebbish Guy.

Phil was the first guy I ever knew who always seemed to know exactly what he wanted. He had no fear. He's gone now. Killed himself some years back. I mention him because some things will forever remind me of Phil and Ambush Bug is one of them.

This comic book is probably about to get pretty silly so I needed to weight it heavily on the front end.

This issue begins with a date: circa 1994! Gods and Demonic Hellfire bless Keith Giffen! I suppose I could have just looked up Zero Hour on Wikipedia to figure out the date myself. But I like when comic book writers fearlessly flaunt possibly continuity flaws in the face by planting flags in the...sorry. I lost the train of that metaphor. Anyway, Keith did say "circa" so his ass is covered if any Continuity Nerds want to bust his chops.

Green and Silver are killing this shit. Hi-Fi too although I suspect Hi-Fi is a robot and I probably shouldn't be complimenting robots. They'll get all uppity and then WHAMMO! Skynet!

Judging by Ambush Bug's suitcase at the end of last issue, he and Cheeks have been traveling among the domes for the last year. Supergirl's trying to get the lowdown on the layout of the lowlands from this layabout.

I'm glad I'm not playing the Keith Giffen Drinking and Eating Cookies Game this issue because I've laughed out loud more times than the pages I've read. I've read two so far! I might be drunk by now! And my teeth would be caked with Oreos!

Now I have to go hunt down the other 122 issues of Humiliating Romance!

Because Supergirl smells like spackle and she seemingly wants Ambush Bug's teeth, Ambush Bug buggers out of there. Now I guess I have to read through a number of pages not starring Ambush Bug! What a rip off.

Okay, maybe she doesn't smell like spackle. But I'm positive she wanted Ambush Bug's teeth.

Ambush Bug winds up in a bar in Kamandi's New York telling an anthropomorphic mouse that he banged Supergirl. I think it's okay to lie about your sexual conquests if you're talking about people from another dimension. I mean, I absolutely had sex with Heathers era Winona Ryder three universes and two timelines over. It ruined her career because I was so good at the doing it. And by "so good," I mean I was super quick. It takes a real pro to sex it up lightning fast! Those guys who do it for hours obviously don't know what they're doing. They don't even know whose thingy you're supposed to stick wherever. But I totally know. Alternate Dimension Winona Ryder showed me! And I'm pretty sure sex is the same in this dimension as in that dimension. She was all, "Oh! Oh! Let me stick my girl doo-dad in your guy pee pot!" And she totally did. Lots of times. It felt the way really awesome doing it feels. You know that feeling! So good!

I should probably stop describing my doing it exploits before you think I'm trying too hard and begin doubting that I've ever done it. You shouldn't doubt it at all because I've done it up lots of times. All the way up and all the way down and all over town and under the table in my living room too! That's where people sometimes do it when they claim they're not virgins anymore. Also all over town. And outside under the full, full moon. I'm so unvirginized, you wouldn't believe.

Supergirl hunts down Ambush Bug to drag back to Lex so he'll stop treating her like garbage. But seeing that he's Lex Luthor, that's probably a pipe dream.

Lady Quark hunts down Supergirl because she still thinks she can save her city. Spoiler: it's already been destroyed by Parallax! Ha ha!

Ambush Bug is scared off by Lady Quark but not before he helps calm her down by confusing her. Supergirl explains to Lady Quark that Ambush Bug's teleportation technology is needed to return the cities to their original universes. And since Lady Quark doesn't yet know that her city is already doomed, she teams up with Supergirl in an attempt to save everybody. I hope it's Ambush Bug's technology that allows the planet to enter The New 52! He needs to be the hero of Convergence!

Ambush Bug heads to thirtieth century Metropolis to try out for the Legion of Super-heroes. Hell, if he doesn't mind changing his name to Ambush Lass, he's a lock for the team! His teleportation power is better than half of the Legion's powers. And that makes him better than like 50,000 Legionnaires!

I wonder if Matter Eater Lad ever worked in gay porn.

Ambush Bug and Supergirl wind up in Futures End New York where Ambush Bug isn't even wanted for conversion. That's probably because Brother Eye doesn't understand whimsy. He knows Ambush Bug would defeat him with pure, unadulterated silliness. I know a lot of people (many of them comic book readers!) who would agree with Brother Eye. Some people would read the list of things Philip Newby introduced me to and believe I'd have been better off not knowing him. To those people, I say, "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Eventually, they all return to Supergirl's Metropolis where it looks like the battle might pick up where it left off before Ambush Bug arrived.

If we'd been playing the Keith Giffen Drinking Game, we'd be drunk on just the repeated spackle joke alone.

Before Lady Quark and Supergirl can finish their fight, Lex Luthor arrives to belittle Supergirl for the final time. Final because she kills him before getting back to her battle against Lady Quark. And Ambush Bug picks up his suitcases and walks off into the sunset. Probably because he's not going to be allowed back in The New 52.

Convergence: Supergirl Matrix #2 Rating: Even though Cheeks the Toy Wonder didn't make an appearance in this issue, it rates 9 Cheeks out of Ten. That's because it was actually entertaining as opposed to so many of these other Convergence comic books that have barely been worth my time.

Divergence: Bat-Mite
"Convinced that he's the imp that put Batman on the map, Bat-Mite is eager to boost the careers of heroes he thinks need his 'help'!"

I'm a little disappointed that Bat-Mite is being written by Dan Jurgens because he'll probably just repeat a bunch of jokes from the eighties like "Television watches you" and "something about a weasal buuuuuuuud-dee! *weasal noises*" Or whatever.

In the Sneak Peek, Batman meets Bat-Mite for the first time. And he doesn't like him. I'm not sure I like him either. I don't think Dan Jurgens has the comedy chops to pull this off. I could see this working if Dan turns Bat-Mite into the Don Rickles of the DC Universe (you kids can look him up on Wikilearnstuff). Bat-Mite is off to bug other heroes besides Batman and it seems like, with his "meta-analysis of Batman, he'll have the ability to comment on the fandom's issues with each of the heroes. If Dan Jurgens can be critical enough and a bit mean-spirited when it comes to critiquing what other writers and artists are doing wrong, Bat-Mite could be a wonderful comic book! But I know that would go against the spirit of feigned comradery at DC Comics! It's probably against the unspoken rules to mention how horrible Ann Nocenti is at writing Catwoman. Although remember when Jeff Lemire, Scott Snyder, Yanick Paquette, and Steve Pugh were doing Rotworld? Remember how they turned all the comic book heroes that were currently being written terribly into all the decaying, disgusting Rotworld "heroes"? That was some divinely subtle commentary, that. And maybe a little playful poking. It's hard to say.

Anyway, if Bat-Mite were just over the line of being mean-spirited, it would be right up my alley! I just don't think Jurgens is going to be successful with it.

This is the final Supergirl's bum for quite some time! Let's hope she gets a new series when the television show begins.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2

This looks like my high school friend I've mentioned multiple times, Soy Rakelson.

All of the Pre-Zero Hour characters from Metropolis have been losing so far this week. But Green Lantern is up against Princess Fern and the people of Electropolis. The only way he's going to lose is if he finds another girlfriend in the freezer and breaks down from guilt. Maybe that's the key to defeating Princess Fern! Kyle can start dating her and then page Major Force to let him know he's cleared some space in the fridge.

The other way that Kyle can win this fight is if Hal Jordan distracts Princess Fern by destroying her city while she's away.

The first twenty pages probably don't even matter. Kyle, like everybody else in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, will surrender for the greater good. Then Parallax will freak out and begin destroying any city he can find. Maybe he'll find a version of Coast City so he can relive that triumphant moment.

Or he can come up with a stupid plan like this one.

The Prime Minister contacts Princess Fern and tells her to destroy Metropolis while its hero is distracted killing them. I knew it was a stupid plan! I wasn't just saying it was a stupid plan out of bitterness and spite that he came up with a logical plan that could actually work. Nope! I knew it would fail because it was so obviously stupid. Kyle Rayner is dumb.

Kyle figures his best bet is to try that thing where he tells Parallax that he knows Hal is in there and that, deep down, he still loves Kyle. But Parallax takes some time believing in himself because the comic book can't just be six pages long. Eventually Hal is hit with enough lightning bolts to provide him with electro-shock therapy. His mind is clearer and there's no long term damage at all! Probably!

Hal talks to Kyle instead of fighting him but ultimately comes to the realization (like everybody reading this comic book) that Kyle Rayner comes up with stupid plans and can't be trusted with the responsibility of defeating Telos. So Hal sends him back to Metropolis where he can, maybe at least, win the battle against Princess Fern.

Princess Fern doesn't know what a weasel is.

Princess Fern will never find out what a weasel is. For the first time in Multiversal Thunderdome, a city has been defeated! Parallax destroys Electropolis while Kyle is trying to stop Fern from destroying Metropolis. Telos makes an announcement that Electropolis has lost. Immediately afterward, Princess Fern and her entourage wink out of existence. That's too bad! Princess Fern was probably one person's favorite character! Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding! Nobody cares!

It's too bad for Princess Fern because Kyle was about to surrender. It's especially too bad for Princess Fern because the earthquake that means Telos is done with the game hits only moments after she's erased from all time.

Convergence: Green Lantern Loves Parallax #2 Rating: This issue rates Five Cold Ethyls out of Ten! That means I found no reasons to dislike it but I also found no reasons to enjoy it. I'm like a real comic book reviewer now! I bet in about a week, I completely forget that I've been trying to rate the comic books with a totally arbitrary system that truly means nothing to anybody whose comic book preferences aren't exactly like mine.

Divergence: Twat Lobo
"Cosmic speakeasies, intergalactic drug dens and even exotic alien women can't distract Twat Lobo from his first love: bounty hunting!"

This is why Cullen Bunn writes boring comic books that rely way too heavily on Narration Boxes. It's because he's writing all of the titles! He's on Sinestro and Lobo and Lost Army and Moon Knight and probably more comic books that I don't want to read!

How come Real Deal Lobo wasn't lurking in Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis, hunh?! He needs to come back and eat Twat Lobo's spleen!

Lobo is currently fucking the wife of the guy he's going to kill to lure the guy to him.

That is the same thing. "The way I see it, you do A, you'll get B. But if you do C, you'll get B!"

Standing there naked while the mark's wife stands naked behind him, Lobo lops the guy's head off with a knife. Blood is everywhere. It's quite the graphic panel. So this must be rated Teen Plus, right? Fuck no! It's a guy as the main character fucking some chick and decapitating a person. What's wrong with that? You have to save the Teen Plus ratings for books like Convergence: Catwoman #2 where she keeps her clothes on the entire time while flirting with Batman and then dies from a small bullet wound to the chest with just a small amount of blood.

People talk about bullshit sexist stuff all the fucking time on the internet. But the way DC Comics uses their Teen Plus Rating? That's actually sexist (even though the ratings don't mean anything). Seriously. Check it out yourself. The main reason a DC Comics will get a Teen Plus Rating is if it has a female main character who shows interest in sex. Decapitations like in Batwing and Batman and Robin? Doesn't earn a Teen Plus. Batwoman and Catwoman enjoy fucking? Teen Plus. Fuck you, DC.

Lobo blah blah blahs up the pages with Narration Boxes and then ends the story looking at his next bounty: Sinestro. I hope they kill each other.

Convergence: Justice League International #2

I wonder how quickly I can finish my Convergence commentaries?!

Here's the Justice League International! When they're not joking, they're dying! Boom! Next!

Of course you wouldn't because you're all assholes.

Most heroes in comic books have a kindergarten level understanding of war (in other words, an American citizen understanding of it). They understand it's either me or them and don't mind how many others die as long as they keep the people like them safe. So when they're trying to save a future timeline, they don't mind that they're killing all of the people in all of the alternate timelines. When they need to save Earth, they don't care about the alien citizens relying on the alien army taking over the planet for the race's survival. They just want to punch things and ignore whatever the real problem is. And if they don't have to see the dead bodies piled up due to their involvement in all out war instead of trying to negotiate some kind of diplomatic solution, even better!

I wish Telos's game had simply been a test. All the heroes that chose not to play his game and decided to save everybody would get to live. The others would wind up back in a dome, all together, for the rest of their lives. The whole "violence solves problems" philosophy is the thing I hate most about comic books. Except Scott Lobdell's writing. That's probably slightly worse.

Blue Beetle gives back the gobstopper and wins it all!

Telos would have been better off not having announced his game the way he did. Now he's ensured that at least half of his participants will refuse to fight because they were told they have to. He's supposed to be half-Brainiac, so you'd think he could have come up with a better plan to trick these heroes into battling each other to the death. Or he just should have found more super villains. Super heroes rarely question whether they should punch a bad guy in the throat. But you send Alternate Timeline Wonder Woman to fight with Blue Beetle and he's going to wonder why anybody would think he'd actually punch Wonder Woman in the face.

This issue is called "Punchline" because Justice League International are jokers. But we all know what the real punchline of a Justice League International series is, right? Dead League members!

Blue Beetle can't get Kingdom Come Wonder Woman to lay down her sword but he does at least convince her to have their Heroclix battle on the desert map instead of the Metropolis map. She gathers up her unique Heroclix buddies while common Heroclix Beetle heads back to his mostly common group to give them the bad news. At least they have Martian Manhunter! He's a powerful unique figure!

They fight for awhile until Blue Beetle finds himself thrown off the edge of the map by Wonder Woman where he meets up with other Blue Beetle.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come. I thought Kingdom Come Ted Kord was just a fat old man.

Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle battle Telos battle bots. It's a Telos battle bot beetle battle. Soon they battle in a puddle with paddles and it's a Telos battle bot beetle paddle battle in a puddle. Then Blue Beetle rattles off some riddles and it's a Fight For Home Outside The Dome Double Beetle Telos Battle Bot Paddle Puddle Riddles Rattled Cattle Battle (because some cows wander into the battle). And then there's the earthquake which really causes some confusion.

After the earthquake, it seems Telos's battle bots no longer care about keeping the contestants of Multiversal Thunderdome in the arena. So Blue Beetle and Blue Beetle head back to the Heroclix map where they find Justice League International has been handily defeated. Again. And again. And, also, again.

That means that every Pre-Zero Hour combatant has lost their fight. Pre-Zero Hour is the worst! But once again, they've only surrendered and gone home to wait for Metropolis to stop existing. But they all seem pretty upbeat about it. I suppose Ted is upbeat because he's going to get some birthday sex from Fire!

Or a crappy surprise from Booster. I guess that's just as good.

Convergence: Justice League International #2 Rating: I'm just surprised that nobody died. Five Bwa Ha Has out of Ten.

Divergence: Justice League 3001
"It's one year later as we travel deeper into the future with Justice League 3001!"

Isn't it clever? They added one year to it! Bwa ha ha!

Clark and Teri are out on a date. Ariel and Bruce are along as chaperones. Bruce is probably there to tell Clark he's an idiot a few times as well.

Close enough. Drink!

Close enough again! Double drink! And eat a cookie!

The date is going poorly enough (because Giffen and DeMatteis can only write antagonistic, ball-breaking dialogue which isn't the kind of dialogue that helps get a couple into bed at the end of the night) before Diana and the new member of the team crash the restaurant.

Yay! Guy Gardner! With boobs! And...I'm going out on a limb here but I think I'm probably right...a vagina!

Is it wrong that I now have a crush on Guy Gardner?

Oh hey! I'm a woman too now! I get to say sexist stuff too! Hooray!

Men are pigs that pee on everything! Balls are gross! Men and remote controls, amirite?! I wonder how many fingers I can put in my vagina?!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Convergence: Green Arrow #2

I miss Green Arrow's wacky beard. And his personality. And his being well written.

I feel bad way down in my nostalgia organ that I'm not enjoying Christy Marx's Green Arrow story. I really wanted to like it so that I could be an excellent critic and write, "Convergence: Green Arrow is truly, truly, truly outrageous!" Then everybody would golf clap and say, "My, my. How droll. Mmm, these cucumber sandwiches are delicious." But instead I'm bored by the story because it feels more like a GI Joe or He-man story than a Jem and the Holograms story. That's because it's teaching me a story about racism instead of a story about not talking behind my best friend's back.

That might have been a sexist statement but it wasn't sexist because I typed it! It was sexist because the 1980s were sexist!

The issue begins with Kingdom Come: Team Powerless monitoring the Bat-monitors.

Where's Ted Kord? I'm going to assume the bald guy with the whackadoodle facial hair is Kingdom Come Oliver Queen.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come that well. I should probably reread it.

This issue is called "Mother and Daughter" because it stars Black Canary and her daughter Olivia, Younger Black Canary. They're pulled into battle to fight against "Father and Son" team, Green Arrow and Connor Hawke. I hope Connor and Olivia don't have sex because that would be alternate timeline half-incest! It's not quite as bad as regular incest but thinking about it still makes me want to crawl inside my own butthole. That means it gives me the heebie-jeebies and not a hard-on.

Stop joking around and start punching each other! You heard the rules! Sheesh!

Christy Marx nails the interaction of two groups of heroes that have been thrown together to fight with each other. Probably because they're all so closely tied together through doing it and family but it still feels right. The weird thing about heroes being pitted against each other is how often it doesn't break out into conversation. Sure there's usually a misunderstanding so the conflict seems to make some sense. But ultimately the heroes fight because they aren't acting like heroes. They give in to fear and react instead of being courageous and patient and waiting to see how the situation plays out. Christy Marx throws people from different realities together but since they're so familiar with the faces of the others, they naturally react as friends (and family!). It's probably my favorite first encounter between Convergence opponents so far. It's also possible I forgot one that I really liked before this.

Dinah suggests they all work together to figure out what's going on. They all agree. Connor Hawke points out immediately that Olivia is practically his sister, just to kill the awkward sexual tension that all the readers were feeling.

The Arrow/Canary Gang find themselves in an abandoned version of Metropolis. They decide to head to the top of the highest building to get a look around.

I guess their real opponent hasn't shown up yet! And since I forgot what the fight card looked like, I don't remember who it might be. Ultron?

It's possible that Telos has lifted the city so that the combatants can't escape from the fight. It's hard to say since every writer seems to have been allowed to make up their own rules for the battle. The only thing they're supposed to add to the story is an earthquake. How is Christy going to put in her earthquake if the city is floating above the ground?

Dinah and Ollie finally realize that maybe they're supposed to battle each other and they're not waiting for somebody else. Am I going to have to take back my compliments to Christ Marx now? Is Ollie going to spin around and put an arrow in Dinah's neck now?!

Telos makes an appearance in this issue to let the Arrow/Canary Gang know that both of their cities will die if they don't fight. Which probably means Ollie and Dinah, knowing each other as well as they do even if they're from different timelines, are going to start fighting to protect their own cities. Of course they'll only be doing it for show but they won't be able to tell Connor and Olivia what's going on without alerting Telos to their deception. So Connor and Olivia will be all, "No! No! My sister! My brother! Mom! Dad! I'm rending my garments!"

The duos split up for awhile so that Connor and Oliver can bond as father and son. It's love at first sight! And now that they've spent two pages becoming best friends, they're ready to take on the other half of the family. Although they suck at it and lose almost immediately. At least they found each other!

Sorry they didn't get to have sweet, sweet interdimensional incest.

Green Arrow and Connor Hawke wake up back in their own Metropolis as losers. They don't seem to put out by failing to save their city. Instead they decide to enjoy whatever time they have left with each other. I'm sure the other citizens of Metropolis aren't so upbeat about their imminent extinction! Except, of course, the earthquake hits and Telos cancels the game and Deimos takes over as the enemy.

Convergence: Green Arrow #2 Rating: The meeting of the heroes on the battlefield was handled better than most. And even when they realized they had to battle and gave in to save their respective cities, they fought only to convince Telos they won. They respected each other but still did what they were obligated to do for the existence of their timelines. That's about all I can ask any of the heroes in this thing. Just realize that people from other timelines aren't actually real. Either they aren't or you aren't, so make a choice! Choose life!

Divergence: Green Lantern Corps: Lost Army
"John Stewart, Two-Six, Kilowog and Arisia are among a group of GL's missing in action! It will be a hard road to survival for The Lost Army!"

I think I can review this Sneak Peek without actually reading it because it was written by Cullen Bunn. Here it goes:

It's boring.

Since the writing will probably be mediocre, I'm at least hoping that Jesus Saiz does justice to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5!

As the introduction pointed out, a small group of Green Lanterns have become lost in space! I don't know where they are or how they got there and I bet Cullen Bunn doesn't either since he's always getting his sectors wrong. I bet the last thing Kilowog remembers is being beat up by Hal Jordan.

2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is not a robot. She should cuss in equations not binary. Besides, her binary is nonsense. But she looks cute!

Great! Their first encounter is with aliens who are, once again, immune to the power of the Green Lantern Rings. Typical!

The team also discovers that the enemies they are facing exist only to erase foreign matter from the universe. Typical!

And then they run into the greatest Green Lantern fremesis ever: Krona! Typcial!

I wonder if it's too late to take this off of my pull list?

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.