Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #11 (Third Week of February 2018)

 

E!TACT! #11
Detective Comics #973, Trixie Belden, Deathstork Annual #1, Detective Comics Annual #1, Swamp Thing Winter Special #1, Dark Nights: Metal #5, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy

Detective Comics #973
By Tynion IV, Merino, and Wright
I'm no detective but I've been looking into The Mystery of the Dumb American Populace and I'm ready to finger a culprit! Because the mystery was really boring and now I'm horny! Although fingering the culprit will probably just make me hornier. What I should have declared was that I'm ready to stick my genitalia into a well-lubed orifice of a culprit. After that, I should be ready to do some research on this mystery. Although from what I've learned while researching this mystery, it seems the people who claim they've done their own research are usually the dumbest people in the comment thread. What they mean by "I've studied this for years" or "I don't take anybody's word for it and investigate on my own" is that they listen to conspiracy YouTube channels while distrusting any source that concludes things they aren't willing to believe. Usually the third thing out of the mouths of the "I've studied and researched and investigated" people is "Snopes is bullshit." Mostly because Snopes often disproves the things they want to believe and Snopes actually lists all of its sources. That makes it different from the conspiracy YouTube channel that these people rely on where you'll only hear the word "source" if somebody misspeaks while talking about a horse.

Currently one of the worst sources for the Dumb American Populace is Wikileaks. This is because it feeds their conspiracy-laden fever dreams with all manner of confirmation bias. Remember when Wikileaks was trying to destabilize America by reaching out to the leftists and liberals? Remember when they released all that war footage showing the American military killing civilians and news people and other maddening crap? That wasn't about making the American populace more aware of the atrocities the American military commits while "protecting freedom." It was more about dividing this nation. But what Wikileaks learned was that while they could enrage the left with actual horrendous footage, that was about as far as they could take that campaign. People on the left were just, in general, more skeptical and less willing to buy into flagrant propaganda and conspiratorial innuendo. Unless it was about aliens or Bigfoot, I mean. But they soon found fertile ground in the right's ability to believe anything at all. Especially the bigots already worked up into a frothing madness by Fox News's constant character assassination of President Obama. So now dumb people were becoming even dumber as everything they've always felt in their stupid guts was being confirmed by online sources.

Not that Wikileaks is the only place where the real fake news originated (before Donald Trump, seizing upon the only argument anybody on the right ever seems to seize upon: blame other people for that thing which you have done or are doing). The Russians also saw an opportunity to destabilize the United States by the power of dumb people. Using a tactic deployed with great success in Mexican elections, they began to use social media to lie to and enrage as many idiots as they could. And this didn't just affect conservative idiots. They also realized they could split the democratic party by enraging a bunch of misogynist nerds into hate fucking Hillary supporters all over the Internet. I think I used "hate fucking" incorrectly but I don't care and I don't have an editor. So go hate fuck yourself. Um, so, they targeted Bernie Sanders' supporters, making sure those idiots helped elect Trump by getting them so angry about never having put their penis inside of a vagina that they would never vote for Clinton.

It's pretty easy to see how dumb people have allowed themselves to grow even dumber in their stupid confidence thanks to online propaganda. I wish it were possible to identify those people who voted for Hillary Clinton so that I could tell the difference between those who were responsible adults who knew the best thing that could happen for the United States and those who were complete and utter dopes. Just to be clear, the dopes were those who didn't vote for Clinton. Nice try turning my words back on me, you dumb-dumb failed comedians who think you're witty but are just angry at your own failures and lack of charisma! That would be conservatives! I hate having to explain myself every other line. I probably won't have to after this newsletter because all of my dumb-dumb conservative readers just clutched their pearls and unsubscribed.

Obviously these are just my opinions and not the official policy of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! Official policy would need actual research and as I pointed out earlier, I don't do research. Research is for morons! Except in cases where it isn't, like in the pursuit of actual knowledge. And by actual knowledge, I don't mean "What happened to Building 7?"

It's weird that I began that line of reasoning with "I'm no detective." I completely forgot that I totally am a detective, having taken the "Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course." It's possible I never quite finished the course but I think I finished enough to find my way around a mystery involving a seemingly haunted house or the disappearance of some kid's piggy bank.

This is what happens in this issue. Clayface is shot in the head by Batwoman while Cassandra's eyes melt out of her head.

Rating: This is it! This is the event that turns Tim into an interesting character! At least that's what the last few Detective Comics stories have been warning us about. Batwoman would do something drastic that would make Tim become Batman with a gun. But we all know what he'll really become, right? RIGHT?! Good children. Yes, that's exactly right. A vampire that eventually comes back from the future as the child molester Harvest!


Trixie Belden's So You Want to be the World's Greatest Detective Home Course Lesson #5
Before we get on with the next lesson, let's take a quick walk down memory lane by rereading Lesson #5:

I've been falling behind on my Trixie Belden's So You Want To Be The World's Greatest Detective Home Course classes, so I should probably do one of those now since I have no pressing political or social issues to talk about. I think we've solved them all! Let's all go outside and hug someone to show that we've done it! We've fixed the world! Now nobody ever has to append some comment with "It's 2015 for fuck's sake!" Now everybody can say, "It's 2015 and everything is cool!" I bet people have been saying "It's [whatever year it is] for darn tootin's sake!" for centuries! "How are doctors still getting the four humours confused? It's 1822 for fuck's sake!"

I was also joking about going outside and hugging somebody. We haven't actually fixed every social ill so if you try that, you might get shot in the face.

Time to take Course #5! It's a mystery story called "The Guest" and it's copyright Trixie Belden!

Trixie Belden had her arms full of lesbian pornography when she rang the doorbell of the Madame's House.

"Well, hi!" said Honey Wheeler, Trixie's teenaged lover, who opened the door. She took the pornography from Trixie's arms and casually slid the back of her hand across Trixie's breasts as she did so. The way Trixie's nipple instantly grew hard against her skin made Honey's labia swell. "What's up? You look like a traveling library."

"I had to do a paper about the European history of same sex pornography, and Jim loaned these to me," Trixie said as she wiped her hands diligently on the front of her skirt. "Is the pervert home? I promised I'd return them when I finished."

Before Honey could kiss Trixie open mouthed, a slim dark-haired man came down the stairs. He paused when Honey turned toward him, blushing.

"Trixie, this is our guest, Mr. Ivannascrewu," Honey said.

The man pulled his penis out of his pants. It was misshapen and semi-erect. Trixie grimaced, looked at Honey, and mouthed, "What the fuck?"

"Mr. Ivannascrewu met our friends, the Bronsons, in Paris," Honey explained to Trixie's satisfaction. She'd heard about Paris! Ooh la la! "They asked him to call my parents." Trixie looked confused and horny because Honey's statement didn't make sense and she was exuding a delicious, pre-intimate scent which Trixie was all too familiar with.

"And I am most happy to oblige," said the man about the call to the parents which still didn't seem to make any sense and Trixie was really hoping Honey would explain better. Or maybe Honey would just shove her tongue up Trixie's womanly font of sensual aromas and Trixie could just forget about this weirdness.

The man spoke again in a strong accent: "Mrs. Wheeler was so kind to ask me to stay here in this beautiful place. I travel much on business, and one gets tired of hotels. But brothels? Oh! Oh! My penis stiffens at the very thought!" I noticed, thought Trixie as she felt her breakfast working its way back up her gullet.

"The Madame's House is beautiful," Trixie agreed. "Is your home in Paris?" Trixie wasn't even aware that she'd pulled out her pad and pencil and was taking notes. Always the consummate (and consummating!) detective!

"It is now, but it was not always so," Mr. Ivannascrewu told her. "I was born in Romania, in a village in the Carpathian Mountains."

"The Carpathians?" Trixie brightened up and Honey Wheeler realized she might as well put away her metaphorical dick. She knew when Trixie's mind had gone from clit tickling to full blown detectivating! "Isn't Dracula's castle in the Carpathians?"

"Dracula?" For an instant, the guest looked around for a place to flee. Then he laughed. "Ah, yes. The vampire count that is totally not me that some so-clever person totally made up because he isn't real and isn't here or anything so silly. His penis was totally straight, did you know that? I think I may have possibly heard of this 'Draguler,' was it? Sometimes in Europe, they still show the motion pictures in the theaters. But if you will excuse me, please? I am keeping Mr. and Mrs. Wheeler tied up. Ha ha. Figuratively, of course!"

Mr. Ivannascrewu put his penis away and went into the blowing room. A moment later, Trixie heard him fucking Honey's parents.

"Honey!" Trixie said in low, sexy tones. "I think your mother should telephone the Bronsons right away and ask how well they know that man's penis. I think he's a fake!"

Why did Trixie suspect Wheelers' guest?

Trixie probably suspected the guest was a bloodsucking vampire because his shirt was covered in blood and gore and because he lisped (although I forgot to write the lisp into his dialogue) and he was steaming from the sunlight coming in the windows. None of the things I mentioned were also mentioned in the story though so I don't know how Trixie figured out the guy was a vampire. I think I finally failed a class! I'd better read the answer!

Any true Romanian would know that Count Dracula was a real person who lived in the Carpathians centuries ago, and that he was not simply a character in a book and a motion picture.

Wait. What? That's how she figured out that this guy was a confidence man from New Jersey?! I guess what this course is teaching me is that I shouldn't base my suspicions on facts but on my own gut instincts after which I can make up facts to show how my gut instincts weren't just gut instincts but based in some kind of logical deduction of the facts presented. I think Trixie just got lucky this time! She probably, intuitively, realized his accent was completely bogus and he sounded more like some guy from the Jersey Shore than a real, honest-to-goodness vampire like he was pretending to not be! Even though I didn't solve this mystery, I think I learned an important lesson about fingering any old suspect for a crime no matter what the evidence shows. Sometimes you'll get lucky! And sometimes it won't matter because who cares if you caught the right person as long as the public thinks you did! I'm going to be a great detective in no time!

Wow! That was way better than I remembered! What a sexy story. It's so sexy that maybe I'm a bit sleepy now. I guess I'll save Lesson #6 for the next newsletter. And maybe I'll make it interactive so that everybody has a chance to figure out the answer!


Deathstork Annual #1
By Priest, Cowan, Sienkiewicz, and Cox

I wasn't sure I was going to comment on this one because it's an annual and, really, I'm just trying to get some of these comic books out of the stack. But then speaking of stacks, I really wanted to scan this picture:

Does that segue work or should I have been talking about racks? I could have at least said something about my comics being stacked, I guess. Maybe I'm getting lazy.

I'm not a fan of women drawn with flat Barbie pudenda. Where's the lady bulge? That lady bulge is some sexy stuff. It's like, "Here's all the good junk!" I can't believe there wasn't more lady bulge on television in the seventies and eighties. Remember all the nipples through t-shirts? Those were some good years! If television promised to also show men in tight shorts so you could make out some details down there, can we go back to seeing more women nipples and lady bulges? HBO got it right by making sure women get to see some schlong during their shows even though the shlong to titty ratio is still pretty out of whack. The penis to vagina ratio doesn't quite even out either. Although that might be more fair because when you see vagina, you're really just seeing the merkin pasted over all the good bits. Maybe that's just to compensate for never seeing an erect penis. Although that slave with the huge penis in Rome had to be pretty erect, right? It was just weighed down by all the jewelry and penis-cuffs so that it wasn't pointing straight in the air doing the Joey.

Speaking of Joey, I should reintroduce my Friends reviews! Those were fun. I mean, the writing them was fun. The watching each show was painful. Of course, the pain is what really spoke to me. It really shines through in the reviews.

For some reason that I haven't been able to parse, Deathstork decided to stop killing. I think it happened during that truly terrible time travel crossover with the Titans. He realized love wins or something equally stupid. Tony S. Daniel's recent version of Deathstork was terrible but at least he had a running count of kills in the near quadruple digits. For the life of me, I can't see the point in a Deathstork that has decided killing is wrong. What are Priest and editorial thinking? Does this make him more Teen Rated? Did somebody at DC suddenly decide violence was too terrible for a main character? That perhaps it shouldn't be glorified even in a series where the main character is the best mercenary for hire in the DC Universe? I mean, it can't be that, can it?

Especially when they've decided that this is still canon. But, then again, I guess he quit statutory raping as well.

This reeks of editorial interference. Remember when Red Hood stopped killing because . . . well, I don't really know why DC made that decision either. Fully seventy-five percent of his character was that he killed to make the world a better place because Batman was a total pussy. What the hell was he when he stopped killing? Just another Bat-kid? Except one that used a gun. Poorly, by the way. Why even bother to use a gun when you're not going to kill the target? At least Slade is using "tranquilizer" ammunition with red gel packs that burst on impact in his gun so it looks like he's killing everybody. Which simply makes me think nobody reminded the artist that Deathstork has stopped killing so editorial had to alter the dialogue to remind readers that nobody died. "Oh, um, yeah. About that guy's head exploding in the previous panel. Deathstork used, um, Ich Luger bullets! They're like tranquilizers. Only they break the surface of the skin, enough to cause a little blood but no real damage." Then the reader was all, "Oh! Okay. Cool! I get it. Now I can enjoy my mineral water without worry!"

Earlier in the issue, Bolt was shot in the chest by a sniper and blood splattered out the back of him. He reappears saying, "My teleportation armor is bullet resistant, Slade." Is that all the evidence I need to prove my altered dialogue theory from the previous paragraph? Now I'm picturing myself in court slam dunking a basketball while the jury cheers. Later, they all give me oral sex during my closing argument because I'm so good at law. The defense attorney jumps up and screams, "Objection! The prosecutor is making a total farce of the justice system." But the judge has her hands down the front of her robe and she's all, "Um, mmm. Overruled. I'm going to allow whatever this is. Victory, I guess?" Then I come rainbows and end injustice across the globe.

It's too bad I hate lawyers because I could probably save the world. Also I can't slam dunk so I'd have to devise some other physical metaphor for how devastating my arguments can be. Maybe a yo-yo trick?

Of course Robin vetoed Skitters. She was a terrible concept. Scott Lobdell hit that reverse home run right into the park it was so bad. That burn made more sense when I workshopped it to a three year old this morning.

That was just a minor interlude at Teen Titans Headquarters where Beast Boy worries about people looking at his butt while in costume. Although he doesn't seem to worry about people looking at his butthole and his balls and everything else that swings about on display when he transforms into an elephant or a goat.

Back to Deathstork's story, we see he eventually falls back on the crutches of killing.

I think. I mean, that's exactly what the artist's rendition of a person being shot in the head with an Ich Luger bullet looked like earlier. It's a good thing AI Wintergreen was there to tell the reader this was an actual kill.

Later, Wally discovers Tanya killed herself. Why? Because she wasn't as Christian as she thought she was, I guess. She was all, "Deathstork killed my dog and lots of other people but I guess I'll work with him. But I won't have a homosexual fucking in my house. Although I'm going to try to fuck Wally in my house. I'm so confused. I guess as a Christian, suicide is forgivable, right? I guess I'll do that."

Mostly I think Power Girl kills herself because she wasn't as exciting as DC Comics hoped she would be. Also she refused to wear the Boob Window outfit. Fucking sacrilege, that is. Unless I mean blasphemy. How should I know? I'm an atheist.

Slade loved the new Power Girl? Is that why he stopped killing? To prove to her he was good enough to have statutory rape with?

After those previous panels, Slade and Adeline punch each other in the face until they grief-fuck.

Rating: I guess Deathstork's Defiance program failed with the death of Power Girl (who didn't really die, by the way. She just became trapped in an interdimensional void with original Power Girl because Wally West fucked up her rescue attempt) which also means Deathstork will go back to killing? I hope he does because I still don't understand why he decided to stop. Not for story reasons or for overall editorial changes to the character. It doesn't make sense. Some editor was all, "We can't have Deathstork killing bad guys! It's not right! But we should remind readers that he once fucked a young girl in an attempt to murder a bunch of other kids. And also, can we have him punch his ex-wife until she gets sloppy wet for him? Awesome! Let's go, team!"


Detective Comics Annual #1
By Tynion IV, Barrows, Ferreira, and Lucas

Rating: As subtle as a ten inch dick down the back of your throat. Just so we're clear, that's not subtle at all. Right? I really wouldn't know from experience. I don't know anybody with a dick that big.


Swamp Thing Winter Special #1
By Wein, King, Fabok, Jones, Madsen, and Anderson

Why the square brackets? I'm going to assume Len Wein originally said "his dick" there. And now that Wein is dead, there's no way to know for sure. So I'm probably right.

Rating: This issue contains one story by Tom King and one story by Len Wein. Len died before completing the dialogue script so the story is left without words (although Len's original script appears in the book as well). The story works okay without dialogue or captions and would probably work just fine if Len had meant for it to be published sans dialogue. It's definitely better than most stories from DC writers that wind up overwritten. I'm not wishing for Neal Adams to die but I can't help thinking the final few issues of Deadman could be greatly improved by losing his final dialogue script.


Dark Nights: Metal #5
By those guys who are doing it. You know those guys.

Oh yeah. I did a full review of this on the old blog. It's here.


Letters to Me!

Upright writes: I AM OFFENDED.

A QUOTE THAT STARTS WITH "Where Johns exceeds Moore is in how much...” HAD BETTER END WITH “...he’s a shit writer.” OR THE PERSON BEING QUOTED IS A FOOL, A HALF PERSON.

Bah. Who was that guy? He’s probably an agent of ISIS.

My reply: Do you think ISIS is actually reviewing comic books now? If so, that probably means our culture has nearly destroyed them, right?! I bet if Marvel were to make a Ms. Marvel movie, we could totally sway them to our side. I wonder if Marvel would hire me to write it. I think I'd start out with Johnny Storm getting some flak for depicting Mohammed in flames. Ms. Marvel will be all, "That's not cool. I mean, I don't really care that much, being Americanized and shit. I even drank beer once! And I'm horny all the time. Which is probably something you can be in Islam just like in Christiantiy or Judaism. But you can't show that you're horny which is similar to Christianity and although you can show it in Judaism, you have to feel really guilty about it. I hope I'm not being insensitive to religion by talking about how stupid it all is!"

I should get an agent! I bet Marvel would pick up that pitch in a heartbeat!


KB writes: Speaking of detective comics, I was watching this clip from "Would I Lie to You?":



I grow convinced of the following:

1) Lee Mack missed his true calling as a police interrogator.
2) All police procedural shows should include a segment where a panel of sarcastic British comedians pick apart the suspects' stories in front of an audience.
3) David Mitchell would make a fantastic arch-nemesis for Detective Lee Mack.

My reply: Have we discussed "Would I Lie to You?" before? It's one of my favorite shows. This last season took so long to come out after they'd taped the series that I developed an anxiety disorder. Doom Bunny and Upright are probably thinking, "Oh? You developed that just this year, did you?" Or maybe Doom Bunny is just thinking, "I'm drunk!" And Upright is just thinking, "Doom Bunny's probably drunk!"

One of the things I love about British panel shows is how readily British comedians laugh at the wit and jokes of their peers. You can tell that David Mitchell enjoys Lee Mack as much as anybody in the audience. They're such a great team.

I also can't get enough of Rob Brydon and Lee Mack doing their imitations of David Mitchell. What a great fucking show.

KB: Credit where it is very much due: if I come up with workable one-line solutions to problems in comics, it's because you spot the problems. I often get in the habit of playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing, which is to say, I am slowly being sucked down into the abyss. Hell, I'm even on record as once having enjoyed Lobdell's writing, but of course that was X-Men in the early 90s and there was no rhyme or reason to any of that.

Turns out I do like chess, and have found the ChessEdge channel on YouTube is tremendously helpful. Dude came up with a pretty good distillation of good chess tactics, or at least the types of moves to look for. (No, it's not attempting to reduce chess to a formula, any more than learning the bebop scale means you're playing bebop by formula.) I will not claim that chess is the greatest game ever or anything like that, but there is artistry, and that artistry comes from combining the abilities of various pieces to achieve results nobody saw coming.

About Geoff Johns and the failings of the nu52 ... I don't mind the original concept that, when superheroes first came out, they were treated with distrust and were considered criminals. I don't mind it because it's a starting place. But if you start there, very quickly you need to show the heroes building relationships with public officials, gaining the public trust, and so on. I wouldn't be surprised if Johns planned for that to happen; certainly it happened in Batman's "Zero Year", to great effect. But elsewhere (mostly Superman) ... ? Well when you've got Eddie Berganza as a group editor, don't expect characters operating through trust and responsibility rather than power and intimidation. Thus, Superman got turned into Wolverine: lost his powers, hated and feared by the masses, riding around on a motorcycle, punching cops. I don't think that is on Johns.

Me: "Playing dumb to tolerate substandard writing" has been one of my pet peeves with comic book fans for a long time. But I totally get what you're saying. I've been writing about comic books long enough that I can't help but find every little bit wrong simply to use it as a spring board to talk about whatever the fuck is in my head at the time. If I were just reading the books, I'm sure Nightwing riding a motorcycle up the side of a building would have gotten an eye roll and I would have promptly forgotten about it.

I haven't played chess much at all in the last, um, thirty-five years? I mostly played with my father's father who died in the early 80s. He was an engineer who worked on the SR-71 Blackbird. I think he liked playing chess against me because I was an untrained chess player who made unpredictable and challenging moves. It's like when I invented demolishing Germany by invading on Russia's first turn in Axis and Allies.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I invented that. I also invented wasting time and resources in taking Australia as Japan. So, you know, unpredictable!

And as to your last comment, I think you're letting Johns off the hook too easily! Isn't his title "Creative Director of Creativity and Direction Except When It Comes To Drawings And Then I Call Jim Lee"?

Swamp Thing Annual #7: The Children's Crusade

Tefé meets Jimmy Savile.

I don't know why this comic book isn't with all of the other Children's Crusade comic books. I guess I'm terrible at organizing my comic books (I say as if it's a debatable opinion while two stacks of random comic books sit on the book shelf next to a comic book short box empty of all but envelopes and bills to be shredded). So now this comic book won't make much sense and when I finally find the box with my other Children's Crusade comic books, I'll have forgotten this story and will become confused by the missing chapter. I'm a little bit upset about this. But I won't be upset for long because earlier I noticed I have some Kid Eternity comic books in this stack and guess who wrote Kid Eternity? Ann Nocenti! Holy shit, I can't wait to read that oubliette full of earnest confusion.

This is the exact middle chapter of the story. But I don't think I'll be too confused because I remember how the Dead Boy Detectives were searching for the Free Country where all the endangered and abused children wind up. It was easy to remember that once I read "The Story So Far..." bit at the beginning.

Tefé has found herself alone in the swamp because Swamp Thing and Lady Jane and Abby Arcane are all on adventures. Unless they're dead. I wasn't reading Swamp Thing back then. I don't think I ever read Swamp Thing. I know! I'm like the greatest comic book reviewer on the Internet and I've never read Alan Moore's "The Anatomy Lesson." It's possible that in another blog post somewhere in my thousands of blog posts I pretended that I read it. But that would probably have been early on when I was worried that people wouldn't take me seriously if I started announcing having not read a bunch of the landmark comic book series. I also never read that Green Arrow where Speedy was caught sucking dick for heroin. And I never read Miller's Daredevil or Batman: Year One. Also I never read any major Marvel moment prior to the late 90s. Unless Wolverine and Kitty Pryde was one of those titles. My friend Philip Newby had the limited series scattered all over his living room floor and I scrounged them all up and read them. It should go without saying that I don't remember them. I'm like that. Why should I remember the genius things I read when I can't even remember all of the genius things I write?!

Puck arrives to take Tefé to the Free Country because he's a nice guy who only wants the best for all the children of the world. Roland and Paine, the Dead Boy Detectives, arrive moments too late to follow them. Looks like they'll have to try following Dorothy Spinner over in the Doom Patrol annual.

Speaking of Dorothy Spinner, I can't wait until the second season of DC Universe's Doom Patrol! Bring on the Candlemaker!

Seems like a decent place, housing kids from the Holocaust, kids working out of coal mines, kids being sexually abused. Why then am I so suspicious of it?!

Like most annuals and stories about children, this tale has bored the ever-living joy out of me. Hopefully nobody is reading this and just thought, "Oh yeah? Cry me a river! I just got diagnosed with cancer!" Because then I'd have to admit that I care more about my level of boredom than somebody else's life and death situation.

The washed-out kid with Mark Buckingham face explains how Free Country began during the Crusades which isn't surprising because the entire idea of the Crusades should have been enough to cancel Catholicism. I tend to get annoyed with people who infantilize homo sapiens from hundreds or thousands of years in the past, as if our ability to understand the world around us only kicked off some time around the Industrial Revolution. But then I think about some of the atrocious things people did in the name of religion and I think maybe those people should be seen as less formed than modern people. But then I also think about how beautiful works of Gothic architecture were created by these people and I reach this conclusion: homo sapiens have always had the potential to create great and beautiful works while simultaneously having the potential for great cruelty fueled by greed, selfishness, and paranoia. It is only the coming together of those two things that could have built Notre-Dame. At least the cruelty toward "lesser" men was focused to create something beautiful in the cases of cathedrals whereas sometimes the cruelty was as simply front facing as sending as many people as possible to die in a foreign land for nearly no other reason than to kill as many different people as they could who already lived there. And then I remember that modern homo sapiens aren't really any different but when is the last time we built a fucking magnificent cathedral?! Oh, sure, we sent people to the moon! But I can't visit the moon while simultaneously being scolded by a German or French priest to remove my Goddamned hat.

This spoon sent me down a YouTube rabbit hole beginning at the opening theme to Vegetable Soup (because it had a funky cartoon spoon as host) and ended at The Banana Splits credits where I learned in the comment section that in 2019 there was a Banana Splits horror movie. Now I'm mad at everybody I know for not telling me about this.

Tefé and Maxine go on some mini-Lord of the Rings journey to destroy some goblin and save Free Country. They use their powers over vegetables and animals to save the day and everybody cheers. I don't know why Free Country, a safe haven for children, also includes an evil land full of evil Gobble-You-Ups. I guess you need some sort of conflict to distract the child populace from whatever true evil is going on in this place. The leaders of Free Country probably drink children's blood to survive.

It turns out it was all a game and then Tefé almost dies because she's been away from the Green too long. The kids reluctantly send her back home so that she doesn't die but Maxine decides to stay so she can have an adventure with Dorothy Spinner.

Swamp Thing Annual #7: The Children's Crusade Rating: I don't rate annuals. If I have rated an annual in the past, it was a mistake and/or a hallucination. Also there's a second story after the first one that I haven't read yet because I forgot about it. And since I've already stopped this review with the ratings paragraph, I will not be discussing it even if it has street walking flowers in pumps and bell bottom jeans wearing flower Johns and ends with Flower Superbaby being sent into space. Also there is a third story that I didn't forget about because I just realized it exists. It's a retelling of The Beauty and the Beast.

Speaking of The Beauty and the Beast, I was recently told that Gaston in the live action Beauty and the Beast was gay and my reaction was, "So he wanted Belle as a beard?" And the answer was, "Yes. That is the plot." And now I can't bare to watch it because if that isn't true, I will be devastated.

The Hellblazer #2

That motorcycle seat is so lucky.

The Commentary!
• Last issue, I was disappointed that Constantine was abandoning Mercury and Swamp Thing to find Abby on their own. But according to the cover and the picnic on the first few pages, I was mistaken! And I'm glad I was because Mercury is my new comic book crush! Some people might have begun reading this issue and thought to themselves, "Who is this adorable woman talking with Swamp Thing? Why am I so stupid and irrelevant that I can't remember her name? And why didn't Simon Oliver mention her name?! Why didn't he Lobdell this issue and begin it, 'My name is Mercury. I was created by NOWHERE to be a living weapon'?" But I remember the names of all of the women Moritat draws who I inevitably get a crush on. Like Tallulah Black! And...well, I think so far it's only been Tallulah and Mercury.

• Swamp Thing is giving Mercury some insight into Constantine's character. She believes he's a "total wanker" who only cares about himself. She's mostly not wrong! Swamp Thing points out that if he really only cared about himself, he'd hide away from the real world and toss it all in the bin. But he doesn't! He keeps himself present in the real world! He saves it daily although he often sends children's souls to hell while doing it. That might be where he gets the reputation for only caring about his own ass. Most people would be all, "I would totally throw my life away to save just one child because children are precious creatures and our future and I care about our future and blah blah self-aggrandizing lies blah blah blah!" But they're idiots because they're not looking at the long game. If a train was bearing down on a child and you could save the child but you would die, it's actually a mistake to save the child. Because how many people is a stupid child going to save? Like, probably zero! But you have the ability to save children all over the place! So by keeping yourself alive, you could probably save a couple more children later in the week without throwing your life away. See? Saving the child was a dumb choice!

• Meanwhile, Chas is politely kicking Constantine out of his house so that his wife will come back.

Boris Johnson was the mayor of London until he panicked over the Brexit vote and buggered out. He's basically the Donald Trump of England, judging by his awful hair. I know the mayor of London but I couldn't tell you the current mayor of Portland, Oregon! I stopped paying attention after my step-uncle, Sam Adams, left office. You might have seen Sam in Portlandia as the mayor's assistant.

• Knob is a British slang term for penis. You know, just in case you're an American and you're not into knowing all of the slang for dicks.

• I watch a lot of British panel shows on YouTube. Currently I'm enjoying the newest seasons of Would I Lie To You? and 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown. I've also been watching Dara O'Briain's Go-8-Bit when I can find an episode not taken down for copyright infringement. And I'm eagerly awaiting the new season of QI!

• Constantine probably has no intention of making Chas's life easier so Chas's best hope is that John gets caught back up in the Swamp Thing road trip to The Rot story. Which, according to the title and the cover, is going to happen!

• So far there's been no mention of those angels who didn't prevent World War I! Maybe that'll take place after the advertisement.

• Chas drives Constantine around London in his black cab. I wonder if Chas not only has The Knowledge but also The Occult as well? That's probably what cab drivers call knowing all of the spooky paranormal haunted routes in London and how to traverse them without getting possessed or encased in hellfire.

• It's nice to have a British writer on Hellblazer again. Constantine just isn't Constantine without a proper British voice coming out of his mouth. Hell, it's just nice to have him back in London!

I know soccer...excuse me, football has become a lot bigger in the States over the last half decade or so but I just can't see an American writer coming up with Constantine comparing his face-off against a demon to a football match. I mean, they might! But I doubt they would have worded it like this with the whole "taken it to penalties" bit. Which reminds me! I haven't watched the latest Rob Beckett YouTube video where he plays FIFA against his friends. I can't wait until he plays Alex Brooker.

• It wasn't until I scanned it that I noticed one of Invader's Space Invader tiles behind Constantine.

• Constantine decides to meet with some of the occult power players to make sure he didn't ruffle any feathers with nearly sending everybody in London to hell. Doesn't seem anybody is too bothered with his gamble. Although he sort of pisses of Marid, the angel who wants to destroy mankind, when Constantine refuses to meet with him. Clarice Sackville is an old power player (but she doesn't look old!) who is giving Marid advice on how to deal with Constantine. I guess Marid realizes to destroy mankind, he's going to have to get past John first.

• Marid's plan also involves the Swamp Thing. So I guess that's part of how all of these stories are going to intertwine.

• Clarice gives John a secret warning that some bad shit is going down and he heads off to do some detectivanting. But he's followed by some spooky cherubs trying to look like grown ups in suits instead of floating babies in diapers. To give them the slip, he heads into the subway tunnels to look for Map. He winds up falling down a dark pit and into next issue.

• When is Mercury going to be a main character in this thing?!

The Ranking!
+2! I know he never said "cunt" but this feels more like Constantine than even the last series felt like Constantine. It just keeps getting more and more Hellblazery.

Swamp Thing #6

In the fight of the century, Zatanna's vagina loses to her leotard!

 The Review or Whatever!
Just in case you haven't read this issue yet and you just love having stories spoiled, either because you're filled with a false passion that pretends to a passion for knowing things before you experience them or because you never intended to read this comic book any way, I'm going to expose the big twist in this comic book right now: Len Wein name drops a few poets. They're a couple of the typical poets that are easy to name drop because everybody knows them: Robert Frost and T.S. Eliot. When you want readers to know you're super literate and intelligent enough to appreciate poetry (which, let's face it, you have to have something weird going on in your head (like a high IQ!) to appreciate all of that rhyming--and sometimes even non-rhyming!--gobbledygook!), you can't be dropping names that they might not recognize like John Betjeman and those other ones nobody remembers without grabbing an anthology of poetry and flipping through the pages to find some more names to list other than John Betjeman! Like, um, Patrick Kavanagh? He's a poet? I guess? And, um, Louise Bogan?

No wait! I just realized the big twist was that Matt Cable's body was actually possessed by Anton Arcane and now Anton Arcane is the Swamp Thing! Holy goose penises! The world is in big trouble! Except that this is the final issue of the limited series, so I think the world will be fine. So it isn't ending in fire or ice or with a bang or with a whimper or choked by plants. It's just going to keep going on and on and on. Of course, that's what would happen anyway, even with the fire or the ice or the bangs or the whimpers or the plants! But then, we understand that when somebody says "the end of the world," they actually mean "the end of all human life on the world which is really basically the same thing, and which probably includes the dolphins as well, leaving no intelligence grand enough to think about existence, or consider any scale larger than the creature's own sphere of needs." Effectively, that would kill "the world" because nothing would be left that could conceive of the world. But Earth itself would keep chugging right along. We all understand that, right? Because I'm sick to death of people who hear the phrase "destroying the Earth" and respond "the Earth will be fine!" Yeah, we know that, chicken dumpling! What people are concerned with saving is a world in which humans can continue to live in peace and prosperity and little private dwellings where they can masturbate in peace and quiet!

Is that a good enough review? I haven't even finished reading the comic book yet! But I have a stupid friend coming into town for couple days that is going to completely throw off my schedule! And just when I was getting my backlog down to one week of comics! I mean, a lot of my comics in my stack have been there for far longer than one week! But that's because I keep putting the Rebirth stuff first. One week behind to me is having only 14 comics in the stack before new comics come out on Wednesday! So, um, what that means is I'm too busy for a proper review! Especially since I have to go pick up that jerk friend at the airport in about an hour! And I have to go catch Pokémon! They're all getting away!

Never mind how ridiculous it would be to have ensure a fair fight when fighting for the fate of all humankind! I'm curious as to what the fuck pose Zatanna is trying to strike?!

Etta Candy and Steve Trevor discuss how to save the world from Swamp Thing. Their top two options are sending in Seal Team Six and nuking Louisiana. I suppose that's some kind of joke? That Seal Team Six is so great at their job (which is killing, I guess? Being good at killing is heroic?) that they're almost as good as just nuking a place. That doesn't sound like a good comparison, does it? I suppose Seal Team Six is who you send in to kill precisely but with the efficiency of a nuclear bomb! Or, just use the nuke, if you don't give a shit about the people of Louisiana because, let's face it, do we?

I'm fairly certain the ARGUS scenes are parody or satire or one of those things where you portray an organization as ridiculous in a matter-of-fact way. It's social commentary or something. Or maybe Len Wein just hates ARGUS and Steve Trevor and New and Less-Improved Etta Candy (aka Baby Amanda)?

Zatanna and Alec use the Hand of Fatima to reverse the spell and Alec is once again the Swamp Thing. After that, Anton Arcane mistakes The Spectre for Jesus and winds up getting dragged to hell. See, Jesus would never do that! I mean, not literally. He doesn't sully his hands with the physical dragging of souls to hell. He just damns everybody right from the get go by covering his ears and screaming "LALALALALALALA!" whenever they say or do anything until they say, "I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior!" And also they must have to say it in just the right way or Jesus won't believe them. Because I've said it out loud many times but never actually meant it. I don't mean to suggest I've said it in an attempt to fool Jesus Christ just in case he was really the son of God (he wasn't, if he existed at all). I just meant there have been times I've needed to say that phrase in a conversation where I was probably shitting all over Jesus's supposed merit badges. Anyway, my point is that Jesus Christ is sending everybody to hell for his ego's sake and we're supposed to believe he's merciful? One thing I'm fairly certain isn't in the definition of mercy is "declarations of fealty with horrible strings attached."

Kelley Jones and Michelle Madsen do a masterful job with Etrigan.

Another silly ARGUS scene and the story is almost over! There's just time for a final scene between Swamp Thing and The Phantom Stranger. It will probably go something like this:

Swamp Thing: "This sucks!"
The Phantom Stranger: "I can't help you! I'm not allowed! Stop asking me for favors!"
Alec Holland: "I want my dick back."

Swamp Thing #5

The Review or Whatever!
I wound up in my father-in-law and his wife's garden shed last week (never mind how!) and noticed that they had four or five big containers of Roundup stored inside. Seriously? It's not that I began judging them for using Roundup. If somebody wants to purchase and use poison from Monsanto, who am I to vociferously point out that they're monsters? What I did judge them for is how they are loudly and adamantly opposed to Monsanto's bullshit practices that hurt farms and reduce the amount of variety in agricultural yields and yet they're still buying Monsanto's products when it suits their own needs and desires! This is the problem I have with most people and their supposed belief system. Their belief system only really means anything when it's stopping other people from pursuing their wants, needs, and desires. But if it somehow gets in the way of keeping pests out of your garden? Well, I guess an exception can be made to any belief. It's the same problem I have with people crying out for forgiving college tuition. Look, I'm all for free college education but if you think the system that currently exists where people pay exorbitant rates and wind up in debt for decades is wrong, don't fucking participate in that system. Even if it fucking means you don't get a "real" college education. Sometimes the person making sacrifices for their beliefs and their ethics will wind up being you. Don't always expect other people to make those sacrifices for you. Or go to a State school nearby one of the big name universities and spend all your free time at the big name campus meeting people. Because that's the only real benefit of expensive universities! It's getting into the right crowds and getting to know the people who move in those circles. The name of the school on the degree barely matters when you can wink at the person in the interview and name drop all the right names!

The college tuition thing is, of course, an easy one for me to argue about since I got my college education in the nineties. But it was still expensive, depending on where you went. I chose to go to San Jose State University where tuition was maybe $6000 a year? I think? I don't remember! Maybe that was a semester but then that sounds like way too much for SJSU! Whatever it was, it was affordable. Of course, I now clean floors for a living with my San Jose State University Literature Degree, so maybe I'm wrong about the need to go to a better, more expensive school. Although I think my main problem with my status in life is my lack of ambition and my missing need to prove anything to my absentee father. Hell, my main reason to go to college was that I wasn't ready to be an adult. And my main reason for getting a literature degree was because reading and writing about what I read is what I enjoyed doing. I wasn't thinking about my future career. Also, I own my floor cleaning business, so maybe I'm doing better than I've actually presented myself as doing.

I'm not saying everybody has to be a martyr! But you should realize that if you have a problem with the system, participating within the rules and confines of that system is only helping to perpetuate that system. Maybe not participating won't destroy the system, but at least you can serve as an example to others that they can get along a different way. And if enough people get along in a different way, living outside of the regular system becomes a second, viable option for future dissidents! It's much tougher now that the frontier has disappeared. It must have been nice when all you had to do when you disagreed with the majority was to pack up a suitcase and head West. It must have been even nicer when heading West just meant climbing into a covered wagon instead of climbing on board a rickety old ship to cross the Atlantic. Fleeing from a system to set up your own somewhere else is always easier than changing the system, even if you have to genocide some people to live your dreams of freedom. At times like that, you just invent some stupid phrase like "Manifest Destiny" and you're suddenly not as evil as the system you were fleeing from! Unless it was the evil system that invented that phrase in the first place to manipulate disgruntled people into leaving the cities where they were just causing trouble and sending them out West to do their dirty work for them by killing the natives.

You know what? Never mind! Anything you do, you're probably doing at the behest of our lizard lords! Maybe we should all just give up and enjoy the next season of our favorite television shows. And if that gets too boring, we can all get angry over a stupid comic book.

Yeah! Why do I think I'm Scooby Doo?! I can't unmask the evils of the world! I'm just as biased as everybody else! I just happened to read Catch-22 and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and The Grapes of Wrath and I suddenly think I can beat the fucking system!

Matt Cable, the new Swamp Thing, has just made demands of the world's leaders to give control to him and the plants. That's probably not going to happen because leaders love their power and think that by retaining their power, they're making a stand for the world! In actuality, all they're doing is gambling the innocent lives of everybody they're supposedly working for and making a stand to retain their own power in the hopes that Swamp Thing is bluffing. The only way that Matt Cable can be stopped is if Alec Holland can figure out a way to reverse the spell that gave Matt the power. But he can't do that underground, so The Phantom Stranger whisks him away to Nanda Parbat. I suppose that's not really helping since The Phantom Stranger isn't allowed to help, according to some cosmic rulebook he never shows anybody. I think he's really just lazy.

Once Alec Holland gets what he needs in Nanda Parbat which is the Clenched Fist of Fatima, he has to walk home. So I guess the world is going to end long before he can get back to Louisiana. Unless, of course, Steve Trevor and ARGUS can think of something!

The Titans are off planet? Why the fuck are the Titans off planet?! It's not like Starfire is still in the group! Not like they'd help anyway. What about reaching out to Spyral? They have Midnighter and Apollo's home number!

ARGUS will probably just fuck everything up and make it worse since they pretty much represent the American Military in this scenario. Military might can't save the day against a Plant God! Although they do have napalm and DDT, so maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, Alec manages to hitch a ride to Gotham via The Phantom Stranger so that he can get some help from The Spectre. You know? God sure has a lot of servants in the DC Universe for a guy who doesn't interfere and has a whole bunch of rules about letting people free will it up themselves.

Alec introduces The Spectre to the Clenched Fist of Fatima and says, "We need to talk." Hee hee. I bet.

Swamp Thing #4

Alec's got quite the body for a biochemist. Although it's rather shitty for a botanist.

The Review
I have no idea how this series reads to younger audiences but I'm enjoying it because it's such a throwback to the comic books I read when I was younger. Everything about it hearkens back to pre-Crisis DC Comics books: the look, the written style, the thought balloons, the writer, Zatanna's extreme level of horniness. Maybe that last only existed in my head back when I was younger although I do remember her trying to fuck Blue Devil back when she wore a jumbo shrimp on her head. So I think Zatanna has constantly been trying to get laid. I bet she's fucked the entire Justice League. She's my hero. This wasn't much of a "The Review" section, was it? Fuck it. I'm crap at this part anyway. If you're into old Swamp Thing comic books, this book is probably going to be up your whatever. I can't bother to think of the word I was going to use because I'm imagining what Zatanna would do to Cyborg.

The Commentary
This is an appropriate series for one of these throwback covers that present the potential purchaser with the crazy "What the fuck?!" scenario that will be taking place within the comic book. Covers like this were important in a time when young kids didn't collect entire runs of comic books but instead, each week, picked a few with the most outrageous stories from off of the spinner rack at the corner store. These were comics bent over at the middle from being packed into the metal slots and already well-fondled and sticky from other kids having already read them in the store. I generally prefer covers that don't scream some absurdity into my face in the hopes that I'll buy a single issue in the run of a series because I couldn't pass up the cover's claim of wacky antics supposedly going on inside. I've become a fan of covers that create a consistent mood from month to month, like The Omega Men or the early I, Vampire issues at the beginning of The New 52. DC also seems to love variant covers although I can't imagine why. I understand why they like the limited edition variant covers because those generally only go to shops who buy a certain amount of the issue with the regular cover. But what are the advantages of doing things like the John Romita Jr. variant months? It boggles my mind that DC sells enough extra copies to pay for the additional art work from the artist. I just buy whichever cover my comic book shop shoves into my pullhole. But I suppose there are John Romita Jr fans who must purchase every single one of his variant covers even if they don't normally read the series on which the cover appears, right? Are there rabid fans of John Romita Jr? I get why DC would shove Harley Quinn on all of the covers but minimalist art by John Romita Jr where everybody looks like a character from Kick Ass? That strains my credulity!

So last month in Swamp Thing, Zatanna had just helped Alec Holland get his body back while turning Matt Cable into the new Swamp Thing. Zatanna knew this was going to be the result of the spell but she never informed Alec. You would think that would be something Zatanna would have made clear being that she's supposedly Alec's friend. But instead she kept acting mysterious about the price Matt Cable would pay. I guess Alec could have stopped obsessing over having a human penis again and actually stopped the ritual to ask, "What the fuck is this price you people keeping talking about?" Especially since he just recently went through the same thing in his New 52 comic book. Will he never learn? Maybe Plant Gods can't form new memories so he simply didn't remember the previous incident.

I'm fairly certain he believed you were going to die, Matt, which is probably why he avoided asking too many questions.

The conversation about the price is finally broached with Alec being all "Nobody told me!" and Zatanna being all "I assumed you knew! I kept saying 'The price! The price!' and you kept saying 'Just get on with it, Madame Xanadu!'" and Matt going all "Ha ha! Sucker!" Alec even says, "We talked around it." See? He knew he was avoiding knowing the price because he just assumed his friend Matt was going to die and Alec wanted to be human badly enough to not want to know! Coward!

Oh, don't you start peppering everything you say with 'literally' as well, Zatanna! I expect that kind of overused, boring, exaggerated emphasis from Madame Xanadu but you?! You're better than that!

This horror story takes a literally weird turn once Zatanna literally informs Alec that he literally can't change back except by a literal act of God. It literally becomes a romance story.

I guess Zatanna helped out because she wanted to be fucked by a Plant God!

Alec cannot think of one thing he'd want to do now that he's human after all this time as a plant? He doesn't fucking deserve humanity! I've been human for the last 44 years and I'm desperate to masturbate and eat a huge slice of carrot cake simply because I've been stuck reading this stupid comic book for the last ten minutes! I haven't been unable to enjoy these things for years and I'm still jonesing to enjoy them. Surely Alec Holland has been dreaming of something human! Even if it's just having a really solid bowel movement! Which, you know, maybe that's what it is being that he's too embarrassed to tell Zatanna.

The thing Alec came up with only after a bit of prodding is...pancakes! He's fucking missed pancakes! I want to judge him for that but I listed "carrot cake" in my desires so I'm going to let him have his boring ass desire. I really wish Len Wein would have gone for broke and had Alec say, "A huge cock in my mouth! God, how I've missed huge cocks in my mouth!"

Zatanna was actually fishing when she asked Alec about what he wanted because apparently she's the one who wants a huge cock in her mouth. She gets naked in front of Alec (who is also naked) and hands him her robes.

Matt, you're making the moment a little creepy.

When I turn the page, Alec and Matt are back in the swamps of Louisiana having been teleported there by Zatanna. So now I just have to imagine the three way orgy over pancakes? Fucking bullshit, man.

Instead of leaving the swamp, Alec decides to hang around and help train Matt. Eventually they run across a poacher so that Alec can see his friend at work and, afterward, say, "You're being Swamp Thing wrong! That's not how I did it! Do it my way!"

I guess this entire series is simply about how Alec is a micro-manager and a control freak.

Alec quickly learns that his friend doesn't give a shit about him. Matt just wanted power and immortality and no penis. Matt has decided to take over the world and where better to start than Houma, Louisiana? I mean where better that's close to the swamp!

Matt Cable builds a throne so he looks regal when he makes his demands to the world and then he uses some vines to pull Alec Holland underground. I guess it's the end of the world.

Swamp Thing #3

Time to write an insightful piece about old school Swamp Thing in moder...booooooooooooooooobies.

I think Americans would get more work done if the female breast were demystified in our culture. I don't mean in a feminist way because guys are going to want to touch any boob they see no matter how much enlightenment is shoved down their throats. I just mean that if female nipples were ubiquitous, men (and lesbians!) wouldn't spend so much time and effort trying to get glimpses of them. Or thinking about what they might look like! Because now all I can think about are the various possible nipple configurations hidden away under Zatanna's waistcoat! I'm also wondering what her puckered little butthole looks like but that's probably less men (and lesbians!) in general and more me and my kinks.

Now I'm also wondering what Swamp Thing's butthole looks like. Did he bother to form one in his need to look like a human while composed of plants? He doesn't feel the need to build a cock on his body which strikes me as something that should be pursued in a Swamp Thing story. How much effort does it take to build a body that looks human? How much thought is put behind the details? If it's subconscious, why doesn't Alec have a penis on his body? What's his hangup? Is it possibly it's just hidden by loose foliage? Does he imagine himself with a vagina which is far less noticeable on his flora covered body? Why would he take the time to create individual toes when he can't be bothered to sling a penis on? I think it's time for a new Anatomy Lesson story arc!

I can't think up too many times when bringing up The Origin of Species was less fitting!

Being a master of tortured introductions to a piece of writing, this one takes the cake and eats it too. Survival of the Fittest has nothing to do with two different kinds of organisms trying to kill each other! It's not about a snake being better suited to survive than a plant man in the swamps of Louisiana! If I were a righteous nerd who had no trust in my audience (can I call three people an audience? Yes, probably!), I'd over-explain this bit and possibly take umbrage with the ease in which Len Wein replaces the term "natural selection" with "survival of the fittest." But I'll presume (finally!) that my caption was enough to make the reader snort and say, "Right!?!"

Ignoring the idiocy of Len Wein's introduction, why on earth is a boa constrictor attacking a plant? It must have a personal grudge against Swamp Thing. Maybe Buddy Baker asked it to fuck with Swamp Thing because Buddy Baker is a drunk, lonely dick.

Some guy with a shotgun happens by and shoots the boa constrictor in two while Swamp Thing wrestles with it. That's pretty fucked up, dude with the shotgun. I don't mean killing the snake when it probably didn't need to be killed! I mean using a shotgun as if it's as accurate as a rifle! Swamp Thing surely took a good portion of buckshot to his face with that blast.

Swamp Thing explains to the overenthusiastic hunter that he and the snake were just pulling an Inspector Clouseau and Cato Fong! Now I wish one of the Pink Panther movies would have done this scene with some passerby hearing the ruckus and barging in to shoot Cato in the head.

The guy with the gun explains that he's Matt Cable and Swamp Thing forgives him immediately while they blow each other. Afterwards, they catch up. Matt explains that he's been searching for a cure for Swamp Thing. Surprisingly, Swamp Thing doesn't explode with outrage about how his condition doesn't need to be "cured" so that he'd be "normal".

Absinthe needs to be more demystified than boobs. It's nothing more than really strong alcohol that tastes like guzzling Prell shampoo. What people are generally looking for when they seek out The Green Fairy would be best sought in LSD or magic mushrooms.

Matt Cable explains how he spent his life savings to find Nanda Parbat. Swamp Thing doesn't tell him that he could have taken Matt there for free. Why burst Matt's balloon when he's telling a tale of such sacrifice for friendship? Although it's a good thing Swamp Thing didn't let Matt into Nanda Parbat or else he might be partially accountable for Matt's theft of the Hand of Fatima! Apparently it's a limited Monkey's Paw in that it only grants one wish. Plus, seeing that it's a holy reliquary and not a black magic animal paw, the wish probably won't be cursed.

Matt and Alec take the hand to Zatanna because she's easier to deal with than Madame Xanadu. Zatanna likes to help her friends while Madame Xanadu just uses them to run errands for her in the name of "saving the world."

Before Zatanna invokes the hand, she keeps asking Alec and Matt if they're ready and willing to pay the price of the spell. Both she and Matt are acting as if they know the price of the spell yet they refuse to be honest with Alec about what will transpire. It seems like a dick move because they're both acting like Matt is somehow not going to survive. Or maybe he's simply going to trade places with Alec so that Alec will have to live the rest of his life in Matt's shitty body. I know I'd be a little bit pissed off if two of my "friends" kept implying that I'd be returned to normal when they knew that wasn't exactly the case at all. This is some kind of Madame Xanadu bullshit!

When the ritual is complete, Alec has his body back. So at least that part was true. But Matt Cable has now become the Swamp Thing. That seems like something Zatanna should have mentioned. I get why Matt didn't say anything because he's just another guy seeking power and immortality (probably!). But Zatanna is supposed to be Alec's friend! How hard is a little transparency about the results of invoking a holy reliquary? Alec may as well have gone to Constantine.

Swamp Thing #3 Rating: No change. Zatanna spends the entire comic in her low cut nightshirt. You'd think she could have at least dressed for company. Unless her nightshirt was actually her wizard's robes? I'm guessing it was her pajamas though since she was lying on her fainting couch (presumably masturbating) when Matt and Alec walked in on her with their decaying hand. Aside from that strange bit which I totally had a real and not a facetious problem with because a man would have been given a full outfit, this issue was everything I expected it to be. That's probably not a good review since you have no idea what that I was expecting a mediocre comic book with an old timey vibe and weird-ass, non-erotic Kelly Jones art.

Swamp Thing #2

Why does Swamp Thing have to make his root system look so much like intestines cascading out of his abdomen?

Rating: No change.

It's hard to judge how much I really like old school comic books and this is as old school as a modern comic book gets. They're doing something different than what's expected from modern comic books. You know, things like character growth and intricate plots and modern moral dilemmas and costumes that look drawn on (you know what I mean). But old comic books were less concerned with any of that horseshit. They just presented a tale that would excite the kiddies and the adults who never bothered to mature (in both good and bad ways!). The character development of the Swamp Thing amounted to transformation from man to muck-covered monster. That was the lure! He's a plant monster from the swamp! Weird! And the plots simply had to be twisted and strange and probably a little bit gory. Did anything happen besides the Swamp Thing battling a zombie and talking with a guest star? No? Well good! That's all that was needed! Take my dime! But now? I don't know how I feel about it now. I feel...unsatisfied. Even the big surprise shocking twist ending written awkwardly so that the final panel will be the super surprise guest appearance uttering his name wasn't enough to sate my need for comic book adventure!

It's a cool retro version of the Swamp Thing but there's also a reason I'm not out hunting for back issues of the Swamp Thing. I need a little more meat on my talking plant stories.

Swamp Thing #1

I recently mentioned that "The Anatomy Lesson" was when the Swamp Thing finally became interesting and relevant. So it's a shame that Alan Moore isn't writing this mini-series. Instead, I'm going to have to put up with Len Wein on scripting duties. Seriously?! What does this guy know about Swamp Thing?! Oh sure. He created the character. But who cares?! Rob Liefeld created Deadpool too! But can you imagine Liefeld writing Deadpool as the character he is today?! It would be a disaster! Now imagine if he were drawing it as well?! Hmm. Hey, Marvel Comics? I know you're not reading this because nobody in the business reads this. But just in case you accidentally are reading this because you thought it was an important piece of journalism by Comic Book Resources or one of the other shit comic book websites, could you get Rob to draw and write a Deadpool mini-series? I'd really appreciate it because I could use a good laugh.

Liefeld and Deadpool probably isn't the best analogy to Len Wein and Swamp Thing because Len Wein is respected in the comic book business. But he is older and I'm always a bit worried when I'm reading something written by somebody returning to their halcyon younger days. Remember how Marv Wolfman sucked his own asshole dry in the Trigon Villains Month book? And I hate to say this because I loved his Suicide Squad run more than I love my own mother, but John Ostrander didn't really big much of a passing game to his Others scripts. And by "passing game," I don't mean American football. I mean passing as in grades and he didn't get an A at all. Or any of the other letters that aren't F.

But I'm hopeful! Hope is all I've got! And Faith! And Demeter! Although Demeter hates when I only tip her in ones so I tend to sit at Hope or Faith's stage.

The story begins and I think somebody told Len Wein he was writing a book of poetry. That isn't a compliment. It's an observation. He goes on about the swamp being Mother Nature's biggest brat and how a freight train toots and toots its sad toot because it can't find its way home. Which is stupid because trains don't have a lot of selection in the paths they take. Then he snaps some heron's wings with his words and allows a few bullfrogs to fuck and shows some scary alligators just before he uses the word "antediluvian." It made me do the jerking off gesture five or six times as I read it. But then I came to the last panel on the page and I thought, "Hmm. I might really like this. I think he snuck a mood in somewhere while I was jerking off a ghost."

The look and sound of the narration almost fools my fingers into thinking they're touching newsprint.

I like that he calls him a monster right off the bat. I like that he puts him alone in the midst of so much life. In this one page, a new reader already has a feel for what it must be like to be Alec Holland. He could have begun with Swamp Thing narrating his own story. "My name is Alec Holland. I used to be human. I am man no longer! I am sad! So sad! I love but am unloved! Woes me!" That's probably how I would have begun the issue. I also would have probably kept Swamp Thing unrevealed until the second page which would be a splash page of Swamp Thing fucking a knothole in a swamp tree and looking over his shoulder in surprise.

I wonder why DC never responds when I send them scripts?

Oh! Um, back the monster thing. I think DC has done a disservice to the character of the Swamp Thing by portraying him as another one of DC's heroes. He is not a hero. He is a gardener. He's a caretaker. He shouldn't be involved in fist fights and end of the world battles. Although I'm not the editor of Swamp Thing so I'm probably wrong. I guess he's whatever DC wants him to be! What do I know?! I'm only grandmaster at reading comic books, not writing them!

The second page of this issue is a brief synopsis of Swamp Thing's origin which is fine, I suppose. It's nice to get it out of the way quickly while setting the tone. Wein makes sure to get the "muck-encrusted mockery of a man" line in there because it hasn't lost its awesomeness. What a great descriptor for a character. Although it might be a little sad that Len Wein is still using the line forty five years later.

This is probably a smarter decision than the knothole idea.

I'm pretty shit when it comes to commenting on the art but Kelley Jones really is a natural for this book. And I almost never mention the colorist because why the fuck should I? Usually reviewers do it simply because they feel they're not doing their job if they don't throw a bone to the colorist and letterist. But I'm going to praise Michelle Madsen for the palette being used on this comic. The whole thing is a throwback to Swamp Thing's early days when he was simply a monster in love and not a member of Justice League Dark and righter of eco-wrongs.

Oh, um, Rob Leigh can like type or something? He puts letters down good?

Swamp Thing tussles with the alligator not to show his strength but to show his anger tempered by mercy. I hope Superman is watching.

Can I digress for a second? What the fuck am I doing? I don't need anybody's permission to digress! I'm digressing, dammit! I created a Bretonnian Blood Bowl team earlier to play a Solo League (I do too have friends! I have other teams for multiplayer leagues, smartoff!) and I called them Justice League Bretonnia. In their first and only match so far, Batman was sidelined by the refs for committing a foul. It was totally accidental because I didn't realize I was moving him onto a downed opponent's square. I just shook my head and thought, "Oh Batman! Can't walk away from a good beating, can you?" So he was out for the rest of the match eating Batnachos in the penalty box. Of course he got MVP at the end of the game. Because he's the Goddamned Batman!

Swamp Thing has retired from doing the Parliament of Trees' grunt work because this is Len Wein's Swamp Thing! He isn't going to fucking deal with all of that Alan Moore bullshit! This is a comic book about horror! It isn't supposed to be about politics and bureaucracies! But some thing there is that doesn't love a Swamp Thing who doesn't work with the Parliament of Trees. Which means somebody has to chastise Swamp Thing for abandoning his obligations.

Don't tell me Madame Xanadu sent the Phantom Stranger. Did she see the end of the world if her garden doesn't grow some spectacular cucumbers?

Do you think Kelley Jones ever zoned out while drawing only to realize when he was done with a panel he'd drawn Killer Croc instead?

Swamp Thing hears a scream and Phantom Stranger decides he's done his job and delivered his warning so fuck whoever needs help. He buggers out while Swamp Thing rushes to help a woman whose husband is sinking in quicksand. Remember quicksand?! Remember when every adventure story had somebody nearly sinking in quicksand? Has anybody in the world ever died in the stuff? Does the shit even exist?!

The couple Swamp Thing helps actually came to the swamp to find Swamp Thing. He decides to stick around to hear their story for some reason. Probably because their name is Wormwood.

The Wormwoods had a son named Lazlo who went to Crowley University which is exactly what you think it is based on the name. He was taking a class about Resurrection and volunteered to be killed as the class project. Unfortunately, the class couldn't bring him back to life and he sat on life support in a coma for weeks. Eventually the plug was pulled and Lazlo didn't die. Instead he murdered his professor and disappeared. The Wormwoods would like Swamp Thing to find their boy and maybe learn a lesson during the adventure.

So Swamp Thing enrolls at Crowley University. I hope he pledges a Floraternity. Although he might not have much time for shenanigans because he discovers Lazlo murdering to ex-classmates on his first night on campus.

No! Not...Zombie!

Did nobody tell Len Wein that zombies are on the way out and adult coloring books are on the way in?! Swamp Thing should be battling The Colored Book!

Zombie tears Swamp Thing in half and then walks away to find some other people to blame for his condition other than himself for being a weak-willed idiot who enrolled at a place called Crowley University.

Swamp Thing #1 Rating: This is definitely a throwback. It's a caveman of comic books! It's meant to be and it works. Although I have no idea how well it will work for kids who have never really experience comics from the seventies and early eighties. They might be confused by the narration boxes because they'll automatically assume Swamp Thing is thinking them. And they'll wonder why the colors aren't as crisp and clean as they're used to. And they'll wonder why the art is so dark, especially in the faces. And they'll wonder who the fuck Len Wein is. And they'll scratch their heads thinking, "Did Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea actually like this crap?" Yes. Yes I did like this crap! I was a bit underwhelmed by the revelation that the enemy is a zombie but what should I expect? This is supposed to be a horror book! I hope next issue, Swamp Thing battles the Werewolf!

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Last issue I began my commentary pointing out how people often lose interest in comic book characters without a sense of continuity in an established universe. This time I want to begin by saying who the fuck cares? Isn't the continuity of a character derived from the stories you've read across the years? Isn't that what binds a reader to the character? Why let a comic book company dictate to you which Batman stories are "true"? Batman is a shared fictional character that will never have a final act. His entire story is the middle act and it's all based on a mostly unchanging first act. As story arcs go, that's a pretty crappy model if you want a character to evolve. But the character has to change for the new audience that continually churns at the shores of fandom. All of those changes from decade to decade form what we think of Batman. The movies and the television shows and the cartoons and the books and the comics...they're all there to be incorporated into this character that people have enjoyed for years. Why let a corporation tell you that any part of the Batman mythos is less important than any other part? The important bits of Batman are the ones that made you love the character. The stories you remember aren't (most likely) the ones by his original creators. They're by a host of writers getting the chance to direct Batman in whatever way they (and the editors and the studios and the networks) see fit. Batman is not who DC Comics tells us he is. Batman is who you've determined Batman is, continuity be damned.

Besides, if you're fans of a comic book character long enough, you'll inevitably do your own editing of their continuity. Who would leave in Ann Nocenti's run of Catwoman in their envisioned history of the character? Fucking nobody! We learn soon enough that some writers will hand us gold and others should never been let near the vault. We learn that if the name of a certain writer (or artist) appears on the cover, we don't need to read that story. It never has to taint our vision of the character. As fans, we've seen dozens and dozens of reboots of our favorite characters over the years. They're called "a change in the writer." Sometimes you get spoiled and a writer remains on a book for so long that you can't help but accept every story as continuity, no matter how bad. And sometimes you get extremely lucky and a writer puts out something like Sandman or Cerebus where the tale is told exactly how one person wants to tell the tale and then the character is put away for good. Well, mostly. But even if you were able to read every copy of Detective Comics, you'd find that the changes in Batman are more drastic across the years in that single run then the changes made to Batman in Detective Comics #1 of The New 52. Although that was written by David Finch and was crap. But that wasn't the fault of The New 52 continuity! It was a crappy writer!

None of this has anything to do with Swamp Thing except that it kind of has everything to do with Swamp Thing, doesn't it? I can't think of any greater reboot in the history of DC Comics than when Alan Moore took over scripting on Swamp Thing #21 back in February of 1984. In a way, it began a Reboot of DC Comics that happened parallel to Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was the British Reboot and what would eventually become Vertigo. Those of you who weren't born yet have no idea how much mainstream comic books changed with the British Invasion and Vertigo. Think of what Image Comics is currently doing but realize that nothing like it had ever been seen before. It was revelation. And I kind of wish that DC's New 52 had merged all of their titles into the Vertigo line! Batman needs to cuss more.

I wonder if, as I peter out and slip into my usual voice, I should go back and pepper the previous three paragraphs with dick jokes? I wonder if "peter out and slip into" qualifies?

At the end of last issue, Swamp Thing was beset by vampires. Vegan vampires? No! Just normal vampires. This issue begins with Swamp Thing pointing out how stupid the are.

Swamp Thing is a tactical genius! Plus he knows a lot about vampires for 1984. He must have been a Dungeons & Dragons player. Or a fan of Salems Lot. Fright Night wouldn't come out for another year and that one taught people all the most important rules about fighting vampires! Like not inviting them into your house!

Vampire Batman appears and introduces himself to Swamp Thing. He points out that he's Swamp Thing's real opponent. But first he kills all the nagging vampires so he and Swamp Thing can figure out what to do next. I'm guessing Red Rain Batman is still a good guy? Even if he's a monster? Just like Swamp Thing! I think I discovered the theme! Don't judge a monster by the way it looks because that makes you the real monster!

Most people don't say "To be brutally honest" and then go on to say something that's hard for themselves to hear. But then most people aren't vampire Batman.

To be brutally honest, I'm a horrible writer. I'm just too lazy and unambitious to write any of the things I truly desire to write. So instead, I comment on comic books. I wonder how many great writers history has lost to frivolous pursuits?! I'm not claiming to be a great writer! If you thought I was then you're a lousy reader because I began this paragraph saying I was a horrible writer! The real problem with writing is that it takes more hard work than talent. You can be a hack but if you put your shoulder to the grindstone and just keep working at it, you can be successful. But if you have scads of talent but just can't be bothered with how toilsome writing can actually be? Forget it. You don't deserve to be remembered.

Batman agrees to let Swamp Thing win the battle but first he'd like Swamp Thing's help killing as many vampires as possible. It's basically beating a dead horse but then Batman is a vampire and who can really know what those things are into? Besides drinking blood and seducing stuff. I'd probably be really into video games and not writing.

Batman is searching for the Queen Vampire. I wonder if she'll be somebody important to Batman? Are there any females important to Batman? Oh! That one that he lectures and fucks! What's her name? Feline Lady?

Well. A redhead. Kate or Barbara? Judging by all the women in the room? Kate.

Swamp Thing kills all of the Vampire Queen's attendants with Garlic Gas while Batman goes after the queen. He decapitates her after a short battle in which she claims to have learned a lot of tricks over the centuries but she demonstrates none of them. After she's killed, the vampires that are left revert back into humans. Swamp Thing is all, "What the fuck?" And Batman is all, "Oh yeah. Didn't I mention? When the Queen dies, all of her victims turn back into humans!" And Swamp Thing is all, "So I...I...I just murdered dozens of people?!" Batman is all, "To be brutally honest? Yeah." Then Batman, who was turned by Dracula so he's still a vampire, heads out to watch the sunrise.

Swamp Thing and Abby win the competition and are transported back to Gotham where Len Wein ends his Convergence tale perfectly.

Got the earthquake in, made sure it didn't matter one fuck, and ended with the whole "The End?" thing which I think he absolutely meant. "Really, DC Editors? That's all I get to say about it? The reader doesn't get anything more than a stupid earthquake? Nice resolution, guys."

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2 Rating: 8.5 Hallucinogenic Tubers out of Ten. I think Len Wein did a smart thing with this story. He tried his best to write two stories that just happened to take place in this Convergence framework and I think he pulls it off nicely. The first story is merely a look at the burgeoning love between Swamp Thing and Abby as she takes care of him for a year in Gotham. There is still no romance between them but we see how much they mean to each other. In the second story, we get a heartbreaking tale of a man trying to protect his city not only from others but from himself as well. Swamp Thing is just a bit player in this Batman tale. And then on the final page (in each book, if I'm not mistaken?), Len throws in the editorially mandated things, washes the blood off of his hands, and removes himself from the proceedings.

Divergence: Catwoman
"She's still Gotham's queen of crime -- but now, in order to work all the angles, Selina Kyle is back as Catwoman!"

Well it's about time! I hope she teams up with Other Catwoman! You know, the one whose name I can't remember in that way that I can never remember names? I think it began with an "E"? Two Catwomen running around Gotham together would make Batman's head explode. Eiko! Was it Eiko?!

The preceding paragraph is why I'd suck on Jeopardy. My brain needs more time to process than contestants are allowed!

The most important bit of the Catwoman Sneak Peek that isn't mentioned in the "How Did We Completely Fuck This Title Up" blurb is the bit about how the art looks fantastic now! Did anybody see Catwoman's ass in that dress?! I mean, I can tell people apart! It's some good looking stuff.

Catwoman is still framing her stories around historic epistles. This sneak peek's is from Elizabeth I to her Council in 1585: "From mine enemy let me defend myself...from a pretensed friend, good Lord deliver me." It's fitting because this short story is mostly to get new readers caught up with Selina's position in the crime families of Gotham. Her friends and enemies are introduced and there's a bit of overlap in the categories, of course. Oh, and I said to help "new readers" get caught up but I think some old readers are glad for this summation of the groove in which events have settled. I know I was!

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1

I can draw!

Convergence really exposes the need for comic book companies to maintain a sense of continuity and history in their story telling. People may have felt excited to get glimpses of the characters they used to love before The New 52 but without any tangible tie to an overall continued existence for these characters, a reader can lose interest fairly quickly. Too much continuity can get in the way of a writer feeling free to tell the story they want to tell. But not enough continuity and the reader doesn't develop a bond for the character in the book. Every time the character appears, without that sense of history, it may as well be a new character. The characters always kept that sense of history after each of DC's previous reboots because they were essentially the same character but having become a resident in a somewhat different universe. The New 52 outright told the fans that these were not the same characters or the same universe and to get used to it, so many felt that disconnect with the characters and just moved on. Now DC Comics has taken a few months to say, "Here! Those characters you miss! They're right here!" But come on. Who fucking really cares when it's just a brief window into old lives that are now long gone? These stories are less interesting because they are no longer part of DC Continuity.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the old fans are coming out in droves to support this event. But I know after two and a half weeks of it, I'm a little bit bored by it, overall. It feels like I'm picking up old comic books out of my collection and giving them a reread. I suppose DC is going to allow most of their old timelines to come back into their overall universe in some form or another by the time this Convergence is over because they're dying to bring back all those fans who can't stand them anymore due to The New 52. But history being doomed to repeat itself whether or not people know their history because that's just the way history works, the people running DC Comics will eventually look at how confusing their universe is to new readers and decide to clean it up somehow. Which, once again, won't work exactly how they wanted it to, make things more confusing in the long run, and wind up in yet another cleaning up of continuity.

Here's some advice, DC Comics: put ice cream on pizza. Man, it's weird.

Was Swamp Thing a comedy pre-Crisis?!

I like that Len Wein brought back that whole Strange Tales Narrator deal and the nice Swamp Thing tagline of the shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man. But naming the story "It's Not Easy Being Green"? I'm not exactly going to be terrified by this tale, am I?

So Swamp Thing was caught in Gotham during the doming. What was he doing up there? Did the dome drop while Abby was being put on trial for fucking a plant man? Has he been rooming with Solomon Grundy in Slaughter Swamp for the last year? Hopefully he wasn't connected to The Green in pre-Crisis continuity or else he probably died when moved off planet and the rest of this comic book will be his body as it rots on the edge of Gotham.

The Narrator just turns into the Swamp Thing narrating because he was just putting on that highly dramatized horror book narration voice for old times sake. After he points out that he's the muck-encrusted monstrosity, Swamp Thing tells his history because Len Wein didn't want to simply write, "Remember how I created the Swamp Thing?! Remember all of the stories I wrote about him?! Remember my work on him and not that fucking wanna-be mystic piece of shit English person?! Me! I created Swamp Thing! I DID IT, GODDAMMIT! The fucking Anatomy Lesson was bullshit."

The walking moss pile is surprised that Abigail wants a lover with a penis.

The Swamp Thing's recounting of his history ends with The Anatomy Lesson so I guess, since Len was editor on the book at the time, he seems to think it was an okay story and it's probably not a bad idea to keep it part of pre-Crisis Swamp Thing's history. I mean, he could have cut it from this version of Swamp Thing's history altogether since the story appeared so close to the beginning of Crisis. Wouldn't it be interesting to return a new version of the Swamp Thing to DC Continuity? One that never underwent the magical transformation of weird horror novelty to interesting character that people began to love? I want stories of the weird horror novelty!

None of the other Pre-Crisis books have documented the time of the doming as well as this one. Although, really, this is just Len's version. No other book mentioned the red skies at all.

Swamp Thing decides to go to Gotham to ask Batman about the red skies because Batman knows everything. Abby tags along and they make a nice vacation out of it. Let me guess! The dome falls, they get trapped in Gotham, Swamp Thing is cut off from the Green, and Abby spends the next year trying to desperately keep her Chia Thing alive!

The dome covers Gotham and cuts Swamp Thing off from The Green. Now he's just a shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man again instead of whatever Alan Moore made him. A philosopher? Abby leaves him in the park while she heads off to find a job and an apartment. That shouldn't be any problem what with everybody probably freaking the fuck out and such.

A week later, Abby reports back that Gotham is handling things reasonably well since a giant dome covering the city winds up being a lot more fun than everybody dying from Joker gas. And Abby has done some wangling of her own.

At first I thought "wangle" was a sex act and then I read the definition and, well...getting the job and the apartment probably did involve sex. I can read between the dictionary definitions.

Abby begins delivering plant food which is barely keeping Swamp Thing alive. Then one day, many weeks later, the usual business of Gotham intrudes on Swamp Thing's territory as Batgirl chases Poison Ivy through the park.

Naughty!

Many weeks later, just as hope for Swamp Thing's survival is waning, Planet Brainiac lifts the dome and Swamp Thing's connection to The Green returns. Even if this planet is nowhere in space or time. I guess The Green exists everywhere except inside of domes. Swamp Thing's power comes back but before he and Abby can adjust, they're transported by Planet Brainiac to the Gotham of Red Rain where they're attacked by a bunch of vampires.

I think the lead vampire is Vampire Lobo.

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1 Rating: It was a day in the park! But for a year! Exclamation point! Nervous stomach! What the fuck am I doing with my life?!