Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Justice League America #31 (1989)

Why is Ice so intrigued? And why is Wally, super horndog, so repulsed? And what has happened that was so inappropriate that Beetle is losing his shit? And what is coming out of Dr. Fate's asshole?

Don't worry, I know why Wally is so repulsed. This comic is from 1989. It's only ten Reagan-years removed from the 1979 movie Phantasm which made one of its big horror moments a, in the parlance of the time, "tranny trick." And if you're thinking, "Well, 10 years should have improved people's attitudes," there's a reason I noted they were "Reagan-years." They're like regular years where prices increase and technology gets better but society moves backwards. That's why, on this cover, it's just a big joke that Wally, who wants to fuck every person with a nice set of tits and a great ass, is suddenly grossed out by this fantastic pair of tits and, I'm assuming, a superb ass. Is he grossed out because Doctor Fate is usually a man? Is he freaked that Nabu, a male God of Order, is inhabiting the body of a woman? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because Doctor Fate is both a man and a woman at one time?

You know what? I shouldn't blame the times. Grant Morrison was beginning his run on Doom Patrol in 1989 which would push all kinds of boundaries and celebrate all manner and types of people. If I need to put any blame on backwards attitudes, I guess that blame will go to Giffen and DeMatteis. Although I shouldn't make assumptions based on the reactions of some of the characters on this cover. Wally could be acting that way because Doctor Fate just blew a huge mystic fart. There's evidence for that as well! And that's probably why Blue Beetle is laughing so hard! I'm sure he's not laughing because Wally just hit on Doctor Fate and Nabu spoke in a manly voice and then Wally was all, "Oh God I'm gay!" Actually I'm not sure of that at all. In fact, I feel almost certain that's exactly what just happened prior to this scene.

Blue Beetle also just might be laughing at whatever is going on with Captain Atom's crotch.

"Wish there's something I could have done about it," thinks the nearly Godlike being. The Spectre is a fucking centrist.

"Oh, but I'm not allowed to interfere and save people from evil! I only punish evil after the fact!" The Spectre farts out of his asshole of his mouth. Well, might-as-well-be-a-cop godlike being if you can't even stop anything horrible from happening, maybe if the rules suck, you shouldn't follow the rules? Maybe use your powers to interfere in evil's plans as they're happening instead of waiting for the victims and then asking the spirits of the victims, "Hey, are you angry that happened to you? If so, check 'Seek Vengeance.' If no, why the fuck not, you weirdo?!"

The Spectre encounters The Gray Man in this destroyed place with no dead bodies. The Gray Man works for the Lords of Order collecting dream essence from the heads of corpses. We've seen a version of him before in Justice League International #2-7. But that guy hated the job and killed himself or something. I can't remember. It's been a long time! This one seems like he loves his job and can't wait to follow the repercussions of whatever just transpired in this destroyed town because it's going to create a lot of dead people. The Spectre was "compelled" here to meet The Gray Man, I guess, and maybe so he can warn the Justice League that some cosmic and/or heavenly tragedy is about to transpire. If I were the Justice League, I wouldn't wait around for some jerk like The Spectre to appear and threaten me into doing his bidding. I'd just get Madame Xanadu on the payroll so every other day she can be all, "The end of the world is nigh unless you get me some chocolate milk from the corner store!"

Meanwhile, unaware that they're about to face an actual threat to the world for once, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, and Blue Beetle are reconditioning a Justice League Shuttle in the old cave headquarters outside Metropolis (recently rented out to the Doom Patrol as they begin their best adventures under Grant Morrison's authorship). They're also involved in a conversation that I'm sure eighteen year old me thought was fantastically postmodern.

Now I'm just confused. Am I reading the comic book version of the team? Or is this the real version (in a comic book) and they're somehow even more ridiculous in the comic book's comic book version?

In other news, eighteen year old me definitely got a boner from the next scene. And not the kind of joke boner where you say, "Boooooing!", and pretend that you got a boner. I mean an actual erection.

I'm probably wrong about the boner thing. At eighteen, I was actually more into Warhammer than boners.

Some people don't understand the difference between text and subtext so let me point out that me being a virgin at eighteen is subtext and also just speculation on your part! You don't know that a lot of Warhammer players fuck! You think some sweaty nerd has never swung a phalanx of Space Marines around the back side of a legion of Nurgle's minions in a surprise charge that absolutely obliterated them while a woman stood nearby watching and ruining her underwear? You think wrong, my friend!

Doctor Fate arrives on the scene. She's currently made up of one Linda Strauss and not one Kent Nelson. She, a grown woman, usually merges with Eric Strauss, a ten year old boy, her stepson, to become Doctor Fate. That might sound gross but you also haven't heard about the part where Eric's body was rapidly matured to be that of a man while still being a ten year old child. You also might think that's gross but you haven't heard the part where Linda begins to have romantic feelings for Eric. You might think that's gross but I haven't even gotten to the part where Eric reciprocates. I have no idea what was going on in the Doctor Fate comic book in the late 80s but I fucking wish I had been reading it! It sounds fantastic! Oh, and Kent Nelson is a corpse but his body has been possessed by Nabu so Kent Nelson's corpse is still walking around and hanging out. You saw him recently in that issue where Blue Beetle had been turned into a Bialyan Candidate.

Doctor Fate was advised by Nabu to see if the Justice League could use her help and maybe offer her some training and experience. So she uses her magic to slip through the roof of the JLA Embassy and surprise the Justice League.

Either Doctor Fate emerged inside Martian Manhunter, exploding him into green paste, or G'nort just threw up. Oh! Maybe Fire exploded into a fireball! And I guess that other sound effect is an alarm?

Batman drops by so that Oberon can spend a page explaining to him what just happened in the panel with the split pea soup flying out of the window. Obviously it was Fire being surprised by Doctor Fate and, not being in total control of her powers yet, blowing up. But the alarm needed explaining and, well, Oberon explained it but I don't know why it had to be a part of this comic. Maybe the new JLA security which identifies members of the group by costume and whether or not they usually have tits and if it doesn't recognize them, an alarm goes off will be an important plot point later in this story.

Batman, like me, doesn't give a shit about Oberon's explanation. But I, unlike Batman, don't disappear immediately because I have no respect for myself or my time.

Batman misses out on Max Lord meeting the new Doctor Fate. But not me! Because I'm still here! 33 years later! Reading it all over again! Oh joy!

I wish Doctor Fate hadn't interrupted Max Lord because I wanted to hear why he couldn't not stare at her tits. Mostly because I need a good excuse for all the times I get caught staring at tits.

Doctor Fate wants to come off the reserve list and be put on the "I can't promise I'll be here every time you call" list which is somehow different than the reserve list. My bet is that she doesn't last past this four issue crossover story. And yes, I can bet even though I've read this comic book multiple times because my memory is for shit.

I don't remember discussing the art by Adam Hughes with friends back in the day but, fuck me, his shit is amazing.

Looking up Adam Hughes, I see he hasn't done a lot that I would have come into contact with: this JLA stuff, a few odds and ends during The New 52, and Before Watchmen. It's a shame because I'm already loving his style and his panel choices. In the scene where Max Lord has a staring contest with Fate's tits, Hughes ads a lot of reflective surfaces and offers camera angles to show the reflections off of these surfaces: Fate's helmet, Lord's desk, several mirrors in the office. It's nice to see a lot of variety and flair in the layouts. Even the scene I hated where Oberon is explaining what happened to a fireman, Hughes lays it out so that the camera angle is over the fireman's head looking down at Oberon, shifting the fireman so that he's standing outside the panel. It's really an impressive choice (and maybe necessary based on how many words DeMatteis wrote for that scene. SO MANY!).

Just go back to that previous scan and look at Ice's and Fire's faces in that first panel. Kevin Maguire who?

I also like that female Doctor Fate's helmet has strong cheekbones. And that her shirt has those shapely lumps. The cape covers her ass so I'm guessing it's not her best feature. Although she knows magic so why isn't it? Is she lazy?

Fuck you, Batman!

That's it! The straw that finally broke the Dark Knight's back for me! I was okay with Batman carrying water for authority figures and the rich! I was just fine with Batman beating the shit out of the mentally ill and the impoverished who had no choice but to work for the mentally ill. I didn't give a shit that Bruce Wayne used crime and The Batman's suppression of it to gentrify different Gotham neighborhoods and make even more money in real estate. Never gave a second thought to the way he broke skylights on a constant basis to make a pretty penny on the side with Wayne Skylight Repair. But now I feel personally attacked! How fucking boring must monitor duty be? And it isn't like it's not entirely automated! Some light is going to blink and some siren is going to blare to let Guy know something is wrong somewhere in the world. He can't play some stupid browser game while he's waiting around?! I mean, I guess they didn't have browser games in 1989. But this is state of the art equipment! It definitely came with a few games to tool around with, like Minesweeper and Solitaire. Fuck Batman! He's like a fucking middle manager who just wants to see people keeping busy rather than letting them spend their time as they see fit while also doing the job intended. Let Guy play his stupid game, you asshole!

Hmm. Maybe I already hated Batman because of all the things I said I never cared about. I mean, I did fall in love with The Titans television show the instant Dick Grayson said, "Fuck Batman." Imagine if Marv Wolfman had chosen to do that early on in his memorable run on The Titans! But no! Instead, we got about 100 issues of Dick moping and pouting and living in the shadow of Batman when all he had to do was decide to be his own man. Becoming Nightwing should have been a metaphoric "Fuck you, Batman," but instead it was just a chance for Dick to feel like Batman forgot all about him. Sometimes writing to create drama ruins the fucking story. Think about how in The New 52, Batman saw Dick as his only real peer in the superhero community, and he expressed it, and he showed how proud he was of him? (All of that may have begun earlier in the stories where Dick took over the Batman role with Damian as Robin but I still haven't gotten to those yet. I hear they are terrific.)

Poor Guy Gardner. Batman really has it out for him, doesn't he? I guess I shouldn't expect a man who loves to cause brain damage to understand what a peer with brain damage is going through.

Of course the writers and editors are on Batman's side! But just think how shitty the JLA computer system is if some stupid game makes it so they can't get emergency alerts! Um, fuck Batman!

I don't know who that is on the other end of the emergency line but I'm guessing it's Catherine or Sue from Justice League Europe. The reason I can't tell isn't because she's green; it's because Adam Hughes draws attractive human beings while Bart Sears has been drawing pieces of beef jerky in wigs.

Oberon is giving The Huntress and Doctor Fate a tour of the embassy when J'onn J'onzz walks out of the teleporter fully nude. Does Justice League America have a head of human resources? Or did they quit because of Guy Gardner? And Batman! Probably more so Batman. Who would want to tell Batman that he needs to maybe stop punching team members in the face, even if those team members are misogynistic assholes with raging tempers who are also severely disabled? By adding the "severely disabled" bit, did it sound like I felt it was okay to punch team members in the face if they were disabled? Because I didn't mean that. But if they were disabled assholes, then, um, yes, I did mean it. But only if those two things go together! Like a terrible Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

I wonder what a Martian ding-dong even looks like? Maybe The Huntress and Doctor Fate didn't realize what they were looking at. "Why the fuck did J'onn have a dead squirrel dangling between his legs?" is probably what The Huntress said. Unless she said, "Meow! Kitty like!" I know she's not Catwoman. But her mother was! And also that was The Huntress talking as if her vagina were talking.

I'm really fucking mind-melding with Guy Gardner this issue! *swoon*

I discovered while doing this review that I can send my comic book panel scans over Xbox Live messenger. Now I have a new tool to bother everybody I know. "Hey guys I don't want to play Halo I just wanted to show you Fire's tits!"

No, really. Look at Fire's tits:

If I cropped this differently, you'd think it was Fire's ass. Or the inside crook of her elbow.

The group heading to Europe to help out the JLE with whatever problem they're having is composed of Blue Beetle, Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Fire, Ice, Martian Manhunter, Guy Gardner, Doctor Fate, and Batman. I don't know what happened to The Huntress. Did Adam Hughes just forget to draw her? Did she remain back with Oberon? Did everybody conveniently forget she was a part of the team already like so many other heroes before her?

But boy those tits, right? Whew!

Nobody knows what's happening in Europe because Sue Dibny doesn't know either. Justice League Europe went off to battle some mystery army and nobody has heard from them since. The only people who seem to know what's happening are two shadowy figures in a dark room shown in one panel.

I guess I could have said "Java and Simon Stagg" instead of "two shadowy figures."

Justice League America discovers a small village in some place in Europe under attack by unknown forces. They figure Justice League Europe are involved in the melee somewhere and so fly down to rescue them. Meanwhile The Gray Man and The Spectre stand around pseudo-philosophizing about metaphysical mumbo-jumbo or something. They don't know what they're up to so there's no reason I should even speculate! The Spectre knows he's super powerful though and can't wait to find out who he gets to punch in the face. Even if it's the Justice League!

Justice League America #31 Rating: B+. Man, why are DeMatteis and Giffen trying to make me hate The Spectre?! I want to like him but I can't like him if even he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. He's supposed to be super powerful and God's buddy but here he is just acting like that idiot Pariah, lured to some catastrophe but having no idea what he's doing there. But that terrible Spectre stuff was only like the first couple of pages and the last page. The other stuff was actually pretty good! It's the way I remember this comic book! I laughed in several places which I haven't been doing at all lately reading this thing. It's as if this issue were the issue that remained in the forefront of my mind all of these years. The characters weren't overly silly but they engaged in some wacky things while being more or less characters rather than caricatures. Plus the art is magnificent. I imagine back in 1989, I loved when this series came out and then moaned picking up the Bart Sears' Justice League Europe. It's like night and day if night were overly muscled characters with big hair and small faces and day were super hot looking men and women in unique poses and exciting camera angles!

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

Justice League Europe #6 (1989)

"Hot for Teacher" is a perfect song with a perfect video.

"I'm not saying 'Hot for Teacher' is the best song" is something I feel I have to type now because the Internet is full of people who think the way they interpret something they've read is what was intended by the author. I'm just saying that for a song that does what it's supposed to do, it's a perfect song. You can't listen to it and not think, "Yeah, I want to fuck that teacher too!" And the video?! How did they cast all of those perfect little mini-versions of Van Halen?! Pretty sure there was some kind of cloning shenanigans going on.

I don't know that the teacher in this issue is going to be hot but she does have very nice calves. And Wally is paying attention so she must have nice breasts too. They're probably all in class to learn French so I hope this issue is as entertaining as Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Taking a closer look at the cover (because those calves really are nice), I notice that Cluemaster is in the back of the class alongside Animal Man. Cluemaster! The mastermind of Batman Eternal! In this issue, we'll get to see what made him the perfect villain for a 52 issue run of a weekly Batman series: his complete and total incompetence which some hotshot writers decided they could turn into a big surprise twist villain who suddenly knows how to be scary and competent. But in reality, the revelation was a huge letdown. "Cluemaster?!" spit-taked everybody reading the issue with the reveal before spiraling into an existential crisis where they cursed every decision they'd ever made in their lives so that it all ended up at the point some writer tried to foist this nonsense on them. Or was that just me? Anyway, let's move on to just one of the many, many bad decisions I've made over my life: re-reading Justice League Europe!

With Ralph looking at that ass all day and Sue checking out a nearly naked Captain Atom, the Dibnys must be having the best sex of their marriage.

If you've looked at more of the front cover than the teacher's sexy calves, you may have noticed, like I did with Cluemaster, some other characters not in Justice League Europe who are attending this French class: Major Disaster, Big Sir, and, you remember, Cluemaster! You can also see a tiny sliver of Multi-man or, more likely, one of his clones. If you could make duplicates of yourself, would you ever be the one to go to work or attend classes? Of course not! Unless you're a huge nerdy square like Richie Cunningham.

Was the name "Cunningham" a commentary on the family in Happy Days? "They're like every other suburban swine but a little bit smarter!" Or maybe it was just nonsense like "Fonzerelli" or "Malph." I've never heard of the surname "Malph" before so looking it up, I discover this: "The Malph family name was found in the UK in 1891. In 1891 there was 1 Malph family living in Kent. This was 100% of all the recorded Malph's in United Kingdom." That's the first hit on Google and I didn't even click the link to read more about it so I wouldn't dedicate my life to the information. But one family? 100% of the Malphs in the UK? And Ralph Malph's parents were named Mickey and Minnie? Definitely getting a Coneheads vibe from these guys. I don't think Mork was the first alien to visit the Cunninghams.

The Injustice League need to learn French because they can't do crime correctly without that particular knowledge.

In the next panel, Major Disaster mentions how their lawyer kept them out of jail. Is there a law in France against asking somebody to dance with their ostrich's uncle?!

If Multi-Man couldn't even tell the clerk, "This is a stick-up," why would anybody even suspect they were robbing the bank? If they had weapons already trained on the tellers, it would have been obvious and it probably wouldn't have mattered what he said. Maybe they did and Multi-Man actually kept the Injustice League from prison by spouting nonsense.

Lawyer: "Look, if my clients were actually trying to rob the bank, why would they ask the clerk to dance with their uncle's ostrich?! It was art! Like that picture of the pipe!"
Judge: "That's not a pipe. It clearly states on the painting that it is not a pipe."
Lawyer: "That's what I'm saying! This was not a bank robbery!"

Oh, never mind. Their lawyer kept them out of prison in America after which they came to France because "less superheroes." The botched robbery probably just ended with a quizzical look from the teller and all the Multi-Men slouching back out the way they came in.

This is the class and I don't recognize everybody!

Is that Java in the back of the room? Why is he still with the League and why would he need to learn French? Shouldn't he learn English first?! And who's the big-titted brunette behind Captain Atom?! Have I already forgotten all the heroes on the JLE roster?!

There's also an old lady in the class so maybe those two I don't recognize (Java and Big Jobs) aren just a few random students. The Injustice League walk in late because they're evil.

Back at headquarters, Sue and Ralph discover a French super hero named Red Fox fighting crime in Paris. Catherine and her nipple decide to check her out in an attempt to recruit her. No I will not scan the panel with Cathernine's nipple, you fucking pervert. Just in case I added the nipple myself when I first read this comic and somebody finds a non-touched-up version of the panel to call me out on it. Not that I had a history of drawing nipples on women and dicks on The Hulk. I'm just being cautious and protecting my brand (the brand being a cool guy who didn't draw cartoon nipples on cartoon women).

Oh what the hell. Enjoy!

Do you think Ralph Dibny ever stretches his nipples and makes them twitch? Oof. I just pictured it. I'm going to go be sick now.

Recently on Twitter, Elon Musk, the dumb-dumb, reported that comedy was now legal on Twitter. My first thought was, "Comedy has been legal all this time! I never stopped being funny!" But then my self-confidence, which has a terrible brand problem itself, got a hold of the thought and changed it to: "I guess I haven't been funny all these years!" You know what somebody is saying when they say that they can't joke anymore? They're confessing that their sense of humor has never grown past jokes with insulting stereotypes for punchlines. I bet they still draw dongs on The Hulk!

The scenes in French class aren't funny at all so apparently David Sedaris is just a big liar. While not being funny, Major Disaster notices the guy covered in a trench coat and fedora has a gray neck which leads him to instantly recognize him as Metamorpho. Which means he figures the other people in class are the rest of Justice League Europe. Do they have secret identities? Are they in danger of being exposed? That could become quite a disaster!

Actually not all the other people in the class are Justice Leaguers. Turns out, every single one of the people I don't recognize is a spy from a separate country keeping tabs on the Justice League. Most of them give up after this class when they realize the League is too ridiculous to take seriously.

A huge brawl breaks out and everybody winds up in jail. Catherine bails them out after telling Captain Atom they could have used diplomatic immunity to keep from being jailed. Is that really a thing? Can they really do whatever they want without consequences? I mean other than America having to take them back as national embarrassments. The Injustice League, not having indimplomatic immunity (the opposite of diplomatic immunity) wind up getting deported back to America. Just because the Justice League tried to beat them up in French class! They didn't even do anything wrong! They were just trying to learn French, then when they realized the Justice League was in their class, they attempted to leave. But the Justice League just couldn't let inbygones be inbygones and they resorted to beating the shit out of them.

Justice League Europe #6 Rating: C-. I suppose I can see how pitching this issue sounded like a great idea. "Just imagine the crazy antics that would take place if the Injustice League wound up in the same classroom as the Justice League! I'm laughing just thinking about it! Oh man. They're all so incompetent! Just think of the things Big Sir would do being that he's got some kind of mental handicap but people just treat him as if he's a big dumb jerk! And Clock King! He'd, like, keep looking at the clock and shit because he's got OCD revolving around time! And Multi-Man, with his serious depression and lack of self-esteem, why, he'd probably, um, be hilarious too somehow! And then Power Girl could punch some of them in the face because they're bad guys! Man, I'm crying because the idea is so funny!" But then they wrote the comic book and sold the comic book and I read the comic book and I thought, "Is this supposed to seem cruel? Can somebody help the members of the Injustice League already?!"

You can tell how bored I was by it by how quickly I summarized the last half of the issue and moved on!

Friday, November 11, 2022

Justice League America #30 (1989)

Where the fuck did The Huntress come from?

When we last left Justice League America, Big Barda had her Big Bang Stick stolen by some punk kid (the huge face on the cover. You know he's punk because of the nose ring and great teeth). Barda, Fire, and Mister Miracle had gone to find it. Somewhere along the way, they picked up The Huntress. Not last issue! That's apparently going to happen this issue. I feel like my aunt when we're watching a new movie and she can't help asking what's going on before anybody watching the same movie as her has any chance to know that. "Just keep reading," I tell my brain as my brain screams, "Why aren't you masturbating and/or petting the cat?!"

The art this issue is by Bill Willingham who is best known for all the drawings he did for Dungeons & Dragons. Unless he's best known for Fables. It's hard to tell when reality is primarily based on your own teenage nerd experiences.

I scanned this page to point out that DeMatteis probably wanted the punk kid to shove the Megarod in a different orifice but then my thought process was derailed by boobies.

Can you imagine how much better society would be today without boobies and the constant derailing of thought processes? Or, to perceive things in a different way, what if our society was a matriarchy and men weren't constantly keeping women down so women couldn't come up with as much as they should have while making up for men with their booby habits. Although without the constant need to get laid but without adequate opportunity, we wouldn't have as many Gothic churches either. On yet another hand, without the constant need to get laid, we also wouldn't have so many modern incel manifestos. I guess those things don't have anything to do with boobies but what can I say? My mind has been derailed! It's going to take a few minutes before I can think logically again.

I was almost ready to start writing again and then I looked at how Fire's arm is resting between Barda's breasts and my brain went back on booby break. Also Mister Miracle is touching Barda's boob. Also that punk has a really solid grip on the Megarod.

This issue is called "Teenage Biker Mega-Death" so I guess that guy is a teenager.

Pretty much my brain/penis interaction right now.

Don't look too closely at the Megarod in that last scan or you might be offended, especially if you don't like looking at dicks.

When I was younger, I'm sure I read this and cackled about how naive DeMatties and Giffen were. Now I realize they were probably cackling about how na├»ve their editors were for letting this through.

The punk kid teleports to New York to finish some gangland turf war with his new weapon. That's where The Huntress comes in! Because she's currently prowling the city with her crossbow when she sees a Megarod blast off in the distance. And since the panels where she first confronts the kid have both a man rubbing his penis and a bare lady buttcheek, guess what I'm scanning now!

I mean, um, were the editors asleep? Did "Make Sure Nothing Comes Off as Sexual Editors" not exist in 1989?!

I know those kinds of editors existed around that time because didn't Simon Bisley get blacklisted by DC Comics for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm in a Lobo's Back cover? Maybe they just got lucky when they saw that one. You know what I mean by lucky. I wish I had seen it. I mean, I own the comic. But I promised my mom I wouldn't look at the cover.

Mister Miracle, Fire, and Big Barda show up to keep Huntress from getting killed. She needs the help! The Huntress is just a Batman-wannabe with a crossbow and no line she won't cross. I guess she could get lucky and put a bolt through the kid's neck but I'm betting the Megarod would keep him safe from such a childish toy. Unless it's because it's such a childish toy that it's the only thing that will hurt him!

Twelve cops dead because Barda didn't keep her Megarod safe? Don't worry. Nobody will even broach the subject that these lives are on Barda's head.

You need the mind of a libertarian to fully enjoy superhero comic books. Just remember that when somebody dies, the blame always falls on the bad guy who may or may not have instigated the situation. It doesn't matter if the people died because a hero left their weapon unguarded. Or The Joker was personally attacking Batman. Or a family member of the Teen Titans was trying to kill one of them at their base which they decided should be right in the center of a populated urban area. Also remember that anybody who doesn't wind up dead was saved by the superhero, even if Lex Luthor murdered a dozen people simply to lure Superman into a trap. It's never, ever the hero's fault! Kind of like when a cop runs over five children while chasing somebody for a minor traffic violation. All the blame goes on the person who committed the violation! That's libertarian logic!

Try to remember that a libertarian is just an authoritarian who wants to be thought of as open-minded and logical.

The punk puts down Mister Miracle and Big Barda and then kills another dozen or so cops. He's also killed all his friends and fellow gang members. But it's not his fault! He's possessed by the rod! This is like the end of Cujo where, after a hundred or more pages he taught you to fear and hate this monster dog, Stephen King changes his tune and is all, "Don't blame the widdle doggy, you judgmental jerk! He was just trying to be a good boy! He only wanted to please his people! But rabies made him do bad things. Blame the rabies and not the poor widdle puppy dawg!" Which is why Mister Miracle doesn't want Barda to kill the punk even though Barda probably should have killed the punk. Because she didn't kill him, a dozen more cops are now dead. And from the looks of it, the punk is going to waste away from using the Megarod. But at least that will mean Barda and Scott and Fire have clean hands! Although if The Huntress kills him, that'll be okay because remember how I said there are no lines she won't cross? I was talking about murder when I said that and not butt stuff.

"Your weapon is such a joke, The Huntress, that you've saved the day! Just like Green Arrow! Or Aquaman!"

The Huntress shoots the punk in the wrist so that he drops the Megarod which hits the ground, goes off, and blows his head off. Mister Miracle is all, "No! I wanted to save him! Even though, just a few panels ago, I said, 'He's already dead. He just doesn't know it yet!'" So see? All those extra cops died because Mister Miracle didn't want any of them to "cross a line." I guess the Trolley Problem doesn't exist in the DC Universe.

Mister Miracle accepts that the punk's death is an accident but The Huntress is all, "Ha ha. Yeah. Accident! Right." Not having a penis, her lie is not uncovered due to her raging murder boner.

Later, nobody mentions how this entire thing is Barda's fault for leaving a dangerous weapon of Apokolips lying around where any old car thief could get their hands on it. Max is only interested in recruiting The Huntress for the team even though she's a loner and definitely wouldn't want to be somewhere where The Batman could find her. But Max Lord has powers like that guy in Firestarter and he psychically convinces her to join. So I guess she's the new Black Canary!

Oh yeah, I'm definitely done reading the letters! I thought it might be interesting to list the names of all the people who keep writing in but, like every other thing in my life, I grew bored of it. I barely even want to grade these comics! But that feels kind of necessary since these "reviews" are barely even reviews. At least the grades make them seem like they could be!

Justice League America #30 Rating: D. Getting a below-average grade doesn't mean the comic book wasn't enjoyable or boring. I actually kind of liked the character interactions this issue. But I can't give the Justice League of America a good grade when two dozen cops and several teenagers were killed because Big Barda couldn't be bothered to lock up her Megarod. And then Max Lord mentally rapes The Huntress, forcing her to join the League. A super hero team should actually act like super heroes before I give them a passing grade!

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Justice League Europe #5 (1989)

Bart Sears draws so many muscles that they had to increase the price of the comic to $1.00.

Did I mention I'm not much of a fan of Bart Sears' art? I don't want to go on and on about it because I don't want to hurt Bart Sears' feelings the way I hurt the feelings of Cullen Bunn. Also I'm a better person now. Not that I was a terrible person before! I still stand by my view that Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was worse than stepping in a steaming dog turd in sandals. What I meant was I'm better at picking out and reading comic books that don't suck.

I'm not going to critique the cover but if you want to know what I hate about it, just look at it. If you don't see a bunch of things that you hate about it as well, then what can I tell you? You like terrible things and have poor taste. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

This issue is called "Stagg Party!" Get it? No, of course you don't because nobody has called a party a "stag party" since Happy Days was on television. Maybe they still call them a "Stag Do" across the pond the way they call the female version a "Hen Do." But I don't live across the pond so I'm probably talking bollocks. Unless America is "across the pond." Maybe both countries are "across the pond," depending on which one you're currently standing in. If you're in France, you probably wouldn't call any other country "across the pond" because you speak French.

The joke of the title is that Metamorpho's lover (ew!) is named Sapphire Stagg. So a "Stagg Party" is when you fuck Sapphire. Oh wait. This comic book was written by men who constantly reference Abbott and Costello so there's no way that's what they were going for. I guess they just thought replacing "Stag" with "Stagg" was funny for some reason. Also maybe Metamorpho is going to marry Sapphire this issue and Captain Atom will be forced to throw a stag party! If that's what happens, I bet Wally West does fourteen sexual harassments in this issue. If there isn't a bachelor party, he'll only do three.

Never mind. Rex and Sapphire are already married. I probably knew that. I bet when Wally finds out Rex is married even though Rex didn't know he was married, Wally will suggest throwing him a stag party because Wally is the horniest motherfucker on the planet.

See? If you can't remember your marriage, you can't remember your bachelor party. Which means you need to have a new one!

Oh that caveman looking motherfucker on the cover? That's the caveman, Java. He thinks he's in love with Sapphire but really he just wants to engage in zug-zug. "Love" is too deep a concept for a caveman. But I guess "marriage" isn't because Java and Sapphire were married when everybody, but especially Simon Stagg, Sapphire's father, thought Rex Mason was dead.

Is Rex's head becoming more penis-shaped the closer Sapphire gets to him?

I know the cover shows the love triangle and the first few pages concentrate on it, but that can't be the main thrust of this issue, can it? Aren't these guys supposed to be saving the world?! It's not like they students in some school where they can spend all day acting like Mutant Degrassi. This is a work place! Get to work saving the world, you dumb jerks!

Captain Atom has been called to the New York Embassy for a meeting with Max Lord but this comic book is plotted by Keith Giffen and written by J.M. DeMatteis so good luck finding out what that's about in any reasonable amount of time. Instead there's several pages of Captain Atom refusing to listen to anybody while he whines about how much they all hate him and they're going to punish him. Do they get to the point of why Captain Atom has to meet with Max and Lord in the first scene cut with Captain Atom? Nope although it's just a two-page introduction to the comic. Do they get to the point in the next scene with Captain Atom? Nope. Just another two pages of Captain Atom not listening to anybody. So maybe forget about that plot thread. Apparently nothing important is going on there. What about Ralph and Sue going out shopping and discussing their sex life? That sounds uninteresting and uneventful.

The last of my aging sex drive just left me imagining Sue and Ralph fucking.

Okay fine: imagining Ralph fucking. I'm still imagining Sue fucking! And in my fantasy, she's diddling herself while thinking about fucking Captain Atom!

Ralph has decided to encourage Sue to enjoy herself in Paris in ways that weren't fucking Captain Atom. He's going to go broke fast if shopping is the only thing keeping her off that dick. I mean, assuming Captain Atom has a dick. The images of him in the skin tight spandex cause me some doubts.

Catherine informs Ralph and Sue that Metamorpho's wife has recently arrived.

Is "nutty putty" slang for male ejaculate?

I don't think Sue forgot to whom she was talking. I think Catherine knows she's asking the only person who might be able to provide an answer to that disgusting possibility.

Meanwhile, Rex Mason continues to let Sapphire know that he doesn't remember her when she obviously just wants to get back to making sweet, sweet elemental man love. Why would he take even one page to be convinced?! It's because Bart Sears draws such terrible 80s hair, isn't it? He can't see how hot Sapphire is underneath all the hairspray and exaggerated musculature. But that can't be it either. He looks like a multicolored penis and Sapphire can't wait to hop on him. No wait. That makes sense. That was meant to be an argument as to why he should also want to have sex with an unattractive partner.

It sucks because I know how hot Sapphire Stagg is and here I am having to look at Bart Sears' version of her. I'm in hell!

Java arrives to get his wife back and, well, now I see Sapphire has a type. Total barf bags.

Oh sorry! I didn't mean to insult most of my readers! I always forget I should pretend to be a typical comic book reading Internet loser. Let me try again.

This guy is 10x better looking than me and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.

Captain Atom continues to think he's being reprimanded but I think Max is just trying to consult with him so they can get some more European members on the team. It's hard to concentrate on what's going on because Captain Atom has no penis. I know I said earlier that it's hard to believe he has a penis underneath the skin tight spandex. But my brain just processed what I was looking at and his hair is plastered in chrome just like the rest of his body. Which means he isn't wearing spandex. He just has a veneer of chrome all over his naked form.

This guy's penis is 10x bigger than mine and he's a beta cuck?! Fucking woke bullshit.

There's a good chance 90% of the rest of my captions will be in that format.

Metamorpho finally remembers how Sapphire said her father made her marry a caveman and so he finally gets around to yelling at her about it. Men and their egos! So fucking fragile. Out of all the shit to figure out, Metamorpho concentrates on the possibility that the wife he doesn't remember and cares nothing about might have fucked a caveman. She deflects by announcing that Rex is the father of her baby. He asks if it's a boy or a girl. By Sapphire's reaction, I get the feeling nobody can even tell if it's organic. "Congratulations! You have a healthy purple, white, and orange gravelly discharge!"

Metamorpho lays eyes on Java and all of his memories return. Seems weird. Get a face full of Sapphire's gorgeous ass and nothing. Look into Java's grotesque mug and it's a medical miracle. Psychologically, I don't know what this says about Metamorpho but if I were a teenage doctor from the 80s, I'd probably say, "Rex is gay."

Remember Doogie Howser? He was gay! I mean, the actor who played him was gay. What was his name? Doctor Horrible? Anyway, Doogie wasn't gay. He might even have been sporking the hottest girl on television at the time! And I don't know how old she was or remember who she was but I was as old or younger than her at the time so I can remember how many boners she gave me then without it being weird. What was weird was Doogie's best friend, the Italian weasel.

You may have noticed I have a problem remembering names and things. Maybe I'm Metamorpho?! Where the hell is my Sapphire Stagg?! And don't "Birches" me, universe! Don't here my plea and be all, "Oh, you want to go all the way to heaven, do you? Here's the fucking caveman you forgot too!" Stupid Robert Frost and God.

Fuck. Most of the previous paragraphs probably won't mean anything to anybody reading this in 2022. Sorry. I guess I've always been pretty transparent about how writing these things was just an exercise in entertaining myself anyway.

Captain Atom returns to keep Java and Metamorpho from destroying the place by yelling at them and sending them to his office to be yelled at some more.

Ralph is going to inexplicably get his brains fucked out tonight.

Animal Man is probably standing outside channeling a dog and telling Ralph, "You're wife is looking at Captain Atom again." Get it? Because he can smell Sue absolutely ruining her underwear.

Just as quickly as she arrived, Sapphire leaves with her father and Java. Metamorpho stays behind, super sad that none of his friends in The Outsides came looking for him. That's probably because Halo is in a coma, Dr. Jace was a Manhunter, Looker was a vampire or something, Geoforce was an asshole, and Katana was busy being married to a sword. Maybe now that Rex remembers them, he should look them up! Or he can just keep pouting and end up being the guy in their memory who never thought to call them!

Fuck it. I'm not reading the letters pages anymore.

Justice League Europe #5 Rating: C. While the story revolved around Metamorpho and The Outsiders were always one of my favorite comic books, which means I enjoyed reading his story, I can't give this issue a high grade because what the fuck are these idiots doing?! I suppose there can't be an international incident every month (sometimes one that's even triggered by people other than the JLE!) and they need some down time. But during their down time, shouldn't they be preparing for the up times?! Maybe Power Girl and The Flash were busy doing that. The European Embassy of the League just seems like a nice place American superheroes can come to relax. Sure, they have to put up with being called an asshole and a Nazi occasionally, but all-in-all, seems like a pretty chill gig so far. Also Captain Atom's lack of cock always drops a comic half a letter grade.