Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.

Animal Man #27

I wonder if DC has a thesaurus in their offices somewhere. Hey! Any DC Employees reading this? Check around. See if you can find the office thesaurus. It might be in Ann Nocenti's office. When you find it, make sure the page with "unleash" is still inside it. Then photocopy that entry and hang those copies up all over the fucking place.

Believe it or not, I did not get a song stuck in my head with the Animal Man cover staring at me! Although now that I type that sentence, I've got the theme from "Greatest American Hero" rampaging through my brain. "Believe it or not, I'm Animal Man! Whoever thought I could feel so raccoony! Charging away like a rhino or bear! Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's my daughter Maxine!"

Last issue after a really strange interlude where Animal Man did some serious space traveling and negotiating with alien dickwads, Animal Man finally made it back into The Red! Probably because all the Totems that banned him have been killed by Brother Blood and his Pet Totem, Cunty Discharge. The Parliament of the Red have some really disgusting members: Smegma, Placenta, Phlegm, Anal Leakage. The human body is the grossest temple ever.

I was just over at Facebook which I really don't pay much attention to. But I see Facebook interrupts the Newsfeed to show you some celebrities you might want to Like! The first one on my list? Eliza Dushku. I wonder what formula Facebook uses to think Eliza Dushku is that one celebrity that I need to spy on? Maybe I've been saying "Five by Five" too much?

Now I'm back to Tumblr where all the people I truly love live! Which is actually kind of a lie because I type these entries out on Blogger and then copy and paste them into Tumblr. But that's because I have 45 times more Followers on Tumblr than I have on Blogger. Suck it, Blogger! Even though I prefer your HTML Editing page. So, sorry for the "suck it" comment. I love you too.

It's 8:00 AM and I've already been out and purchased a two cent Jalapeno.

So this issue begins with Ellen Baker punching a reporter in the face. Man, I hope I get the opportunity to do that some day. I don't even care if they're asking me inappropriate questions! If I just see a weather reporter out on the street, I'm going to run up and slap the fuck out of them. Then I'll stand over the person and scream, "That's for thinking everybody in the city wants to be part of your idiotic family! Please pass that slap around to everybody back at the news room. And tell them their Twitter feeds all suck." Actually, I probably would never commit physical violence against a local news person although on the continuum of people who deserve to be attacked, they're right under "Fascist Dictator" and "Conservative Talking Head." But I do dream of the day one of them sticks a microphone in my face for a live man on the street interview and I can fucking cunt up the airwaves! "So, this fucking cunt came fucking cunt running right up the cunting fucking fuck cunt street! I fucking saw it all!" Maybe my appearance will even be autotuned! Should "autotuned" be capitalized? Where's my Portland Manual of Style? I'm definitely not going to trust that bullshit one from Chicago!

Horns as eyes doesn't seem like the best evolutionary path.

While Buddy Baker channels Space Monkeys to beat up Blood's Totem, The Warriors of the Red (some of them being the "Squirrelonauts of the Up High," possibly the best battalion ever) are ready to make their last stand against Brother Blood himself. Maxine and Socks are making a run for the Edge of The Red where nobody has ever dared go before. But before they get there, Maxine has to take a time out to have a little cry over her brother Cliffy.

The only hope left for Cliff is that he'll come back as a super villain.

Later there's this part where Animal Man points out that the good guys always win because they have something to fight for, like family and dinner at Applebees. But the bad guys have shit to fight for too! Like power and glory and lots and lots of sex from raving groupies! Also money. Did I mention money? Plus they probably have families too! Brother Blood even has a familial word-thing as part of his name! I wouldn't count out the bad guys just because you have a family, Buddy. So naive!

And then there's the part where Ellen gets thrown in jail for punching the Paparazzi. I thought it was legal to punch Paparazzi within Los Angeles County? No? That isn't a law yet? That's a shame. The police are on Ellen's side but figure she's probably safer in a jail cell right now with all the crazy shit going on around Animal Man, her husband.

And then Maxine discovers that if you're trying to find something, never fucking follow a cat's lead.

I prefer Concrete Blonde's version of "Little Wing" over Jimi Hendrix's. I like Jimi's version as well! Just not as much.

Brother Blood kills Shepherd when he's distracted and then grabs Maxine around the neck. And the issue ends with next month's blurb: "The End"! Oh noes! I hope Maxine doesn't kill Brother Blood! If he were still the whiny version from The Ravagers, I wouldn't mind. But he's been a much better character under Lemire. And of course I don't want Maxine to die! I bet Socks leaps onto Brother Blood's face the way cats always do. And then Brother Blood will throw Socks against a rock the way people that remove cats from their faces always do. And then Socks will cough up blood and say, "Maxine. Pretend I'm saying something uplifting before I die!" And Maxine will yell, "No!" And then Maxine will channel a Honey Badger and fuck Brother Blood's shit up. And Socks won't die.

Animal Man #27 Rating: No change. I really like the look of this book. It reminds me of spending time with my friend Philip Newby and his family when I was in elementary school. The look of this comic and its characters is how I see Philip and his family and their apartment in my mind's eye. Philip's house was the first house I knew with a real piano. His father kept his Playboys stacked up behind the door in the bathroom. His oven had the coils that heat up which I'd never seen before since my house had gas burners. His fridge always had generic beer in it. Yellow cans in a six pack with big, black bold lettering that said: BEER. He had a ping pong table in the garage. And we could roam the neighborhood at all hours of the night when I would stay over. His family mostly watched PBS so I heard all about Monty Python and Dave Allen and various other comics and shows I'd never seen before, laughing uproariously at the lunch table in elementary school as he recounted the crazy things he'd seen on these shows. He once played "The Old Dope Peddler" by Tom Lehrer for me on a vinyl record. He introduced me to Kitty Pryde and Wolverine. He borrowed my Atari Cartridge for Pitfall II which his mother wound up throwing away with Philip's entire Atari system. His family eventually moved out of their tiny apartment and into a big house which always seemed bare and empty as their meager apartment furnishings could barely fill the space. Philip told me the joke about Peter and Jesus and Jesus seeing his house from here. We played a game of tag called "Ticker" where you had to stay on the painted lines in the playground at recess. He was the first person I ever sincerely apologized to, after school one day, when I had snapped at him during recess. I miss him a lot.