Futures End: Batman and Robin #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! But other radio broadcasts continue to pierce the dust. One of these is "Deep Thought," The Deep Stacks continuous cataloging of any text they can find. The broadcasts are archived in block of various length, depending on how much each Archivist is willing to read before ending his or her block to let the next Archivist on air.

Welcome to Deep Thought, Block Twelve Thousand, Twenty-Eight. I am Archivist Kesey. I've got something here that I wanted to read to everybody, and I wanted them to think on it, and to try to figure out what it means to them and their own life. But don't get all pretentious and intellectual about it. Just let the story settle inside, lay down its blanket, stretch out, relax, and make itself at home. It's a tough world out there and sometimes you just need to take a moment and get away from your own thoughts. Vacate your head, let someone else in, and just enjoy the ride. These days, it seems like the only way to escape the hardships, right?

This text is Futures End: Batman and Robin #1. It's published by, oh, I don't know, DC Comics, I think? Some of these Archivists out here are sticklers for details but what's the point? We've got the book right here! My reading of it won't matter to history. But it does matter now, to those people listening, looking for a little time out. So sit back, shut your eyes, and open your minds. Let's ride this thing for awhile, shall we?

Batman has a new Robin. One he can trust to get the crime fighting business done but he feels distant enough from so as not to burden the new Robin with his many, many issues.

Robin, of course, feels neglected and left out of the loop. But Batman certainly doesn't want him in his vengeance loop, or his mourning loop, or his obsessive compulsive loop. Batman just needs somebody that can say, "Hey, man. I get it. Gotham has some bad people, ya know? I can take care of those bad people without any supervision. I got this." Batman does not need somebody to say, "Hey, Batman! Do you approve of the job I just did? How about laying down a warm fuzzy or two on this here guy working the work for you? Maybe a pat on the back? A little praise? A compliment or two? Um, Batman? Batman? Am I doing a good job? Love me, Batman! Love me!" This new Robin seems like he's the first type but he also seems like he needs a bit more information from Alfred or Batman or some cat somewhere! We all got a few issues with the self-esteem sometimes, and a little transparency and clarity really help to chill it out.

Batman is currently on a bad trip chasing down a guy dressed up like the dude who killed Damian, The Heretic. That probably won't end well since The Heretic was a messed up clone of Damian and this one's probably a clone as well. And if he isn't as messed up as the last one, Batman might think Damian's come back to him.

Batman and The Heretic fight for a few pages while Alfred continues to get more and more worried about Batman's health. Apparently he's been so hard on his body that five years in the future, he's in worse physical condition than Alfred who must be thirty years older than he is, if not forty.

Alfred is always the first to crack. Didn't Damian's death teach him anything about being too soft? Bah, Alfred can't be anything except Alfred. It's why he's such a lovable character.

Robin saves Batman's life but in the process, The Heretic burns up. Batman takes a DNA sample to find out if it's a Damian clone but that question is never answered in this story. Instead, Batman realizes he's getting too old for this shit. He's let fear worm its way into his being, little by little by little over the years. Damian's death. Nightwing's near death. Lex Luthor discovering his identity. Bane breaking his back. Earth almost being destroyed by Apokolips. He hasn't realized how much it's eaten away at him and it all began when he lost the confidence in his sidekick's ability to keep himself safe. But this Robin is far less sidekick than the others, and, as Batman has lost a lot of speed, strength, and endurance over the years...this Robin is probably Batman's equal if not...no, no. That's not a thought that needs to be voiced, now is it? Batman's a tough bastard and he'll always figure out a way, even if he needs to lean on, and learn to trust, new people in his life.

Hey, that was a short one, wasn't it? I wonder if I got anything else to read lying around here? Let's see...a list of chemicals I need for my cooking later. Can't read that out or I'll go out of business, right? Ha! Oh wait! Here! Here's a poem I was working on earlier when I felt connected to this present in a way I don't normally feel. Ahem. I call it "Sin Chrono City."

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Kennedy was shot,
While Robespierre killed thousands,
Hitler did the same,
During a trial of ideas
Which left a great Greek dead
And caused a sudden rush toward space.

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Prohibition cause a war
Between Europeans and the Indians
As a man named Jack killed London whores,
Lincoln sat and watched a play
Of a culture lost across a sea
And enslaved through countless years.

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
A universe was formed
And dinosaurs roamed through the space
Between atoms and seconds and stars,
Between cities which rose to cover the globe
While a flood cleansed this world's sins
In a garden of once perfect bliss.

Jesus Christ was crucified
The moment he was born.

I don't know. I was feeling a bit cosmic for a second. It's nothing much but a few scant phrases jammed together in a fairly repetitive pattern. But if I don't document the things I've written, who will? Archivist Shakespeare? Archivist Melville? Maybe Archivist King might. He's pretty keen on popular writings. And by popular, I don't mean thought of as cool! I mean that other definition that has to do with the masses or something. Bah, you know what I mean. I'd read the definition but I'm pretty sure it's already cross referenced in Block Blah Blah Blah.

Anyway, I'll leave you for Archivist Austen after one more poem, since I've now got Jesus Christ on my mind. I called this one "Being There."

As the cross was set upon the ground and ready to be raised to stand up high, I thought of the coming vengeance.
As they led the "Messiah" to his proving grounds, I laughed at and scorned his hated name.
As they threw his thin body upon the ground, I was the first to kick him.
And they tore off his clothes and they spit on his face and they laid him upon his wooden tomb.

And the crowd roared for a miracle, but the heavens would not open up.

As they bound his wrists upon the posts, I felt my own wrists burn.
As they tied his ankles around the base, I felt that I might fall.
As they put the crown of jagged thorns upon his human brow, I felt the sting of angry barbs encircling my own.
And they pounded the nails down into his palms and they raised the cross to stand up high, and one of them ran him through with his spear.

And the crowd roared for a miracle, but the heavens would not open up.

As the blood flowed down his wrists, I thought of every man whom I'd fought.
As the blood ran down his gasping chest, I thought of all my words against God.
As the blood ran down below his waist, I thought of every partner I'd had.
And he called to the Lord; and the guards, they all laughed; and a few of the women, they cried.

And the crowd began to walk away for the heavens would not open up.

All grew quiet as he sighed his last breaths, and I suddenly knew I was wrong.
So I cried to the lord that I should be forgiven, but I knew he ignored every word.
And I walked away to live my life so that Jesus Christ might die.

Bah, it's silly. But I suppose we should all get the chance to document the things that come out of our head, right? I guess I'm kind of lucky to have an audience. I think. Are you out there? Ha ha! Okay, Archivist Austen is looking forlorn and melancholy, so I think you're in for a good nostalgic cry in the next few hours. Take care. I mean, this ends Block Twelve Thousand, Twenty-Eight! Break out, people! Good night!

Batman Eternal #23

This issue: Catwoman steals an albino lion cub a snow leopard that poops jewels!

I have a habit of writing things that turn people away simply by their style or presentation. So people see Dwarf Lover and think, "Fucking lousy non-artist sprite comic bullshit." Even though it isn't a sprite comic at all; it's fucking collage, you morons. And then there's That Cavortin' Bastard where I have some essays I'm particularly proud of but they're presented in a heavy slang that leads a lot of morons to say, "I couldn't get past the language." And of course, let's not forget Future Retard which presents a "baby" from the future having conversations with a masturbating metal head who becomes the love interest of a gay Stephen Hawkings. Now, I can't take sole credit for that (or That Cavortin' Bastard whom I didn't create but my essays in his voice are solely my essays whereas Future Retard was a collaborative creation and co-writing effort with my friend Upright) but I still think it's an intelligently speculative look at where we're headed due to most people using the internet's knowledge as a crutch, thereby never expanding their own knowledge base independent of outside sources. And then there was Crazy Asian Drinks which everybody just decided was racist before even reading it. Maybe it was. I don't know! It wasn't meant to be! And now I'm writing a short story about one of my favorite new characters, Goggles, and it's presented in yet another language that probably turns most people off. Instead of calling myself a person who stubbornly refuses to present easily digestible material, I'm going to go with "a person who has artistic integrity." Fuck, I'm still surprised anybody reads these daily stupid fucking commentaries as it is.

Anyway, all that is to say, for those not interested at all in my Futures End stuff, fuck you. I mean, don't worry! I meant to say "don't worry" and not "fuck you!" That was one of those slips that don't actually mean anything because nobody believes anything Freud said anyway anymore, right? So, um, "Don't worry!" You'll still be getting my stupid voice commentaries with the weekly Futures End, the weekly Batman Eternal, and any other DC Comics that were mistakenly scheduled during Super Fabulous Futures End Extravaganza Month! Like Superman Unchained #Isn't-This-Over-Yet? That wasn't a stupid fucking hashtag, by the way. That was a number sign. As in "Number Isn't-This-Over-Yet?" God, I hate having to explain myself! And yet it seems that's all I fucking ever do! Hey world? Smarten the fuck up!

I think I might be in a bitter ranty mood today! That's good news for readers! That's bad news for Tim Seeley who scripted this issue! Oh, Timmy my man! Grit your teeth and spread them fuckin' cheeks cause I'm going in raw!

Wait a second. I'm assuming Catwoman means his pirate skin since he's the pirate that loves wearing endangered animals as clothing. But how can he make the dead pirate skin jacket if he's the dead pirate? I think Selina needs to work on her one-liners.

Meanwhile, Batman continues to beat The Architect with discarded rebar.

See? It was okay to make a buttsecks joke about me and Tim Seeley because Tim Seeley makes them himself. I mean, I only made the buttsecks joke because Tim Seeley makes them and I thought he deserved some of his own suppositories. See how I said suppositories instead of medicine because suppositories are butt medicine! Dammit! I'm explaining again! Why am I writing to the idiots?! I'm going to simply pretend everybody understands every single thing I say even though I know that isn't true since I often don't understand what the fuck I was saying when I reread my own crap.

That kid happens to be Jade, the kid that Killer Croc and The Batman saved from the Ten-Eyed Man.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics. The Ten-Eyed Man? Who's responsible for that creation? Come on, just tell me! Let's see...Frank Robbins? He's the same guy that created Jason Bard! Is that why he made an appearance? A little shout out to psychotronic freakout maestro Frank Robbins? I don't know if any of those adjective actually fit him but he does look like he's on acid in his Wikipedia picture and he did create The Ten-Eyed Man. So they probably fit him.

Jade takes Selina through the sewer system and into Blackgate prison where she gets to speak directly with Rex Calabrese. Who? you're probably asking even though you've been following along with Batman Eternal the whole time and have been saying "Who?" every time his name appears. He was a big crime boss that ran the city for years and, apparently, raised Selina Kyle from the age of nine until the age of whenever the fuck it was he abandoned her. Now he wants to mentor her as the new crime boss of Gotham City.

The Architect's Tesla Resonation Device sets off some serious seismic activity in Gotham. Are we going to have to go through the Reboot No Man's Land now? Fuck.

Hush spouts more Aristotelian bullshit which makes him feel better that his plans to bring down Wayne's Beacon Tower failed. I don't think his Aristotle quotes ever really match the situation until after he says them. Being psychotic, they probably just pop into his head at random and then he deals with the situation according to the quote that popped into his head. It's a more pretentious version of Harvey Dent's coin toss.

Selina refuses Rex's offer but, as we've seen in the sneak episode that interrupted Batman's Zero Year, Selina will eventually change her mind. Until then, Jason Bard's next move in his long con is to get Mayor Hady to declare martial law. I think maybe it's just finally time to hang an "Out of Order" sign on Gotham City and leave it to the rats.

Batman Eternal #23 Rating: No change. A lot hast been happening in this comic book and I think it's all being handled nicely. This is the first weekly comic book I've ever read (I was on the Long Hiatus during 52, and I was rarely reading Batman and Superman back in the days when they might have a huge crossover where a chapter of the story came out each week but in a different title) and I appreciate how much more can be done in a series like this where you don't have to wait a full month between chapters. On a monthly book, you can only concentrate on one main story with a few subplots that will eventually take over as the main story. Too much and you'll lose the reader's focus. But on a weekly, you can build up a fucking shit-ton of "main plots" and, with a steady and consistent pacing and rotation, you get a really full story that is just coming off the hinges. Outstanding work by the entire creative team working on this series so far. I'm really enjoying it.

Batman Eternal #17

Is this the real cover or a 75th Anniversary of Batman cover?!

This issue begins three years ago because last issue ended with a resounding "Who the fuck is Deacon Blackfire?" from the readers. Well, this comic book is here to tell you who Deacon Blackfire is! Or who he was three years ago before he was sent to hell!

You know how religious figures always have to correct you when you call them by the wrong name? "Please, you don't have to call me Father. I'm not Catholic, you know." No, I didn't know that! I don't know anything about your five billion different Christian denominations with their quadzillion rules that nobody can remember. Hell, most Catholic priests can't even remember the rule about not diddling kids and I'm fairly certain that's like the second or third main rule! I think it goes "Don't have sex with women" and then "Hey, smarty pants. Don't have sex with kids either!" Those are like rules one and two because guys and their penises have a really special relationship. The guy tries to go about his life and the penis constantly interferes with every fucking thing he does all day long.

Penis: "Hey! Hey! Forget going to the bank! Did you see that woman bending over in the light summer dress? Come on! I know you saw that! Let's go see if she'll be amenable to fucking!"
Guy: "Calm down. I don't even know her! I've got better shit to do than act like a fucking creep when she's just trying to go about her day."
Penis: "Naw! She'd be into it! Just show me to her. She won't be able to resist!"
Guy: "You're crazy! And would you knock it off! I'm wearing boxers and slacks! People are going to notice you!"
Penis: "Oh yeah they will! And I'm only half-cocked! Get it? I'm huge! And punny!"
Guy: *Goes into nearest public restroom to masturbate so that his penis will leave him alone for three or four hours*

That's a pretty accurate portrayal of the daily life of every man, ladies! Don't believe any man that says it's not. That's just their penis lying to you! Any time you're in public, you're never further than thirty feet from at least one guy masturbating. It's a fact! They're fucking disgusting!

What the hell was I talking about? Who typed all that stuff? Why is their semen all over my keyboard?! PEEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIS!

That should probably be a sitcom. "I Love Penis!" I'd watch it.

How are all those people clapping without their left arms?!

Deacon Blackfire's soul has transmigrated into the body of Maxie Zeus through some kind of ritual shenanigans performed by The Joker's Daughter. Arkham has just become one great big mystic mess and The Spectre still continues to avoid entering the body of Jim Corrigan. I don't blame The Spectre at all. Jim is palling around with Batwing and what DC Character in their right mind wants to appear in a Batwing comic book? Perhaps when he learns this is a Batman weekly, he'll jump right into Corrigan and save the day.

I hate being so critical of Batwing since it's the only DC comic book left with a black lead (I suppose Green Lantern Corps could make an argument for having a black lead as well. But I can't consider John Stewart a solid lead on that book when DC wanted to kill him off in it!), but it's just been so boring and depressing lately! The last issue was actually pretty good! But that always seems to happen with cancelled titles. Too little too late.

Also, have we gone from referring to African Americans as "black" to "urban"? I didn't get the memo but it seems like that's becoming a fairly popular term. Does that mean I should begin referring to myself as "half-suburban, half-barrio"? Are haughty liberals going to start saying things like, "I don't see neighborhoods"?

Meanwhile in Tokyo, two of my favorite new characters are becoming fast friends!

Where is Harper going to post that picture? Is this her "Super Hero" phone with all of her secret super hero identity social media accounts? I suppose it doesn't matter since Red Robin insists on shouting her real name every few minutes.

Harper shocks the monkey and now I can't get the song out of my head. She threatens to reprogram it if Doctor Alexandrov refuses to help them defeat the nanobots infecting the children of Gotham City.

He just said her name right in front of you, you idiot!

When was the last time Batman was actually in this comic book? Can I sue DC Comics for fraud?

Well, three years ago, he makes an appearance in this comic book! I think I still have a case seeing as how Batman is only appearing in a flashback where he's being held captive by Deacon Blackfire. He's been chained in the Deacon's basement for seven days and seven nights consuming only the drugged wafers and partaking of only the drugged water. Deacon Blackfire also has other people he's plucked from his flock who get to be chained and ministrated upon, hallelujah!

I don't know what the ministrations are but I'm sure they're kinky!

Oh Deacon! You're so close to figuring it out! If only you'd unmasked him, you'd realize that his plan isn't to save everybody! His plan is to make a shitload of money by gentrifying, gentrifying, gentrifying!

Batman does that thing he does where he defeats the bad guy. You know that thing? The thing he always does even when the odds seem stacked against him! He even has a momentary throwback to his first story when a man died right in front him by falling into a vat of acid and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders. This time, Deacon Blackfire gets beaten to death by his "followers" while Batman stands there saying, "I'd help out but I've got these chains!" Then he holds up his chained together hands, frowns slightly, and sits down to watch the spectacle while smoking his pipe.

Actually, I don't know if Deacon Blackfire died at this moment or not. Probably not! I think standing by and watching someone get beaten to death is just over the line in Batman's Rules for Technically Not Killing People Although, Really, Come On!

Back in the present, Deacon Blackfire's followers all transform into Men-Bats and he sends them to recruit more followers.

Jesus Christ! More Men-Bats?! Haven't we had enough of them? I suppose these are less Men-Bats and more Vampire-Men-Bats. And by "recruiting more followers," they're actually going to go make more vampires. And meanwhile, The Spectre continues to refuse to materialize.

Batman Eternal #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was skeptical about a weekly Batman comic book but color me credulous! Or something. I'm enjoying this series a lot more than Futures End which is the weekly I thought I would really like. Although I think I'll super really like Multiversity! Unless they screw it up in the same way they're screwing up Futures End by limiting the awesome and crazy shit they can do because they seem to like boring and slow moving bullshit as opposed to lots of death and destruction and sex with decapitated monkeys and anal fissures that become sentient and nuclear farts and Superman masturbating to defeat an invading alien fleet with his supersonic Kryptonian ejaculate! Now that's a comic book!

Batman Eternal #16

Batman has never looked gayer. Not that there's anything non-Biblically wrong with that!

I was trying to keep up my feud with Comicsverse but now Firefox doesn't even want to visit the site because "comicsverse.com uses an invalid security certificate." It looks like they've boobytrapped their evil lair! I'm not going to spy on them if it means I'm risking some kind of internet chlamydia! How am I supposed to listen to their mediocre comic book video reviews now?! You win this time, Comicsverse! Also, you should probably fix your fucking site, you dunderheads.

At the end of last week's episode, Jim Corrigan had been confronted by Mister Bygone in the maze of concrete halls beneath Arkham Asylum. Surprisingly, this week's episode picks up exactly where last week's left off!

Oh not this crap again! Hospital schmospital! Nobody cares about the recidivism rate of inmates at Arkham anymore! It's really just a rubbish bin for nogoodniks now!

Arkham Asylum has lately been troubled by scary spirits and bad mojo. They might need a Wiccan Exorcist Native American Shaman Leprechaun to bless this mess and sort it the fuck out. Even crazy people don't want to have to look at this Mister Bygone and his infected arterial system, especially just after lunch.

What do you suppose they serve for lunch at Arkham? Tater tots and fish sticks? Is that too conventional? I should probably think outside the box! I bet Arkham serves the death of dreams and the rape of hope! But only on Wednesdays. On Thursdays it's Sloppy Joe.

Upstairs in Arkham, away from the piles of left arms and the smell of one particular rotting face, Professor Pyg is being checked into his cell.

Whoops. Today's lunch must be pork chops and apple sauce.

Remember in elementary school, you'd get green sheets (or some color xeroxed thing) that were like little newspapers with not really important facts about things happening on campus? And they always published the school lunch menu for the upcoming week? Boy, that was depressing! Having to see before hand the awful bullshit they were going to try to force down your gullet each and every day. Some kids liked to read the menu so they could prepare themselves for the gastronomical tortures about to be inflicted upon them day after day. But not me! They weren't going to kill my spirit that easily! I allowed myself to dream of delicious foods that would be plated in front of me for twenty three hours of every day! Only during lunch hour would I let them win! They couldn't have the rest of me as easily as printing a daily menu forecasting horrendous evil!

Who am I kidding? I never ate school lunches! I always brought my own in my awesome cool Battlestar Galactica lunchbox! Which I still have!

I don't actually remember the Cylons being this happy? Did they often go on picnics with whatshisname and his cyber dog?

Before I owned this lunchbox, I used a Rescuers lunchbox. And before that, it was a Wonderful World of Disney lunchbox. After the Battlestar Galactica lunchbox, it was brown paper bags until high school when I gave up eating lunch in preference of sitting around staring at girls I had huge crushes on. Actually, beginning in tenth grade, my school lunch was usually one Mr. Goodbar and one game of Gunsmoke down at the bowling alley near the school. Nutritious!

Over in Tokyo, some bad shit goes down! But the good part about the bad shit is that it makes me love Harper Row a little bit!

It's like my heart just grew two sizes this day!

I was almost really crude and said my penis grew two sizes this day. But I didn't mean I loved Harper in that way! I meant I loved her for her sassy mouth! I felt the same kind of pride you feel when the sibling that you constantly argue with suddenly mouths off to some grown up being an asshole to them. It's like you helped train your sibling for that day with all the bickering and smarting off at each other!

Red Robin and Harper take care of the Tokyo Tentacles before they can find their way into some protesting orifices. I have to say, when I was in Tokyo, there were far less rapist tentacles than I thought there would be. There was, however, a hell of a lot more Pachinko than I'd ever dreamed! Anyway, Harper and Red Robin have survived the test and now they get to meet the man and the cybernetic monkey behind it all!

This monkey has only been in about six total panels in The New 52 so far but he's quickly demanding his own monthly comic book! At least in my eyes.

So back in Arkham, Jim Corrigan punches Mister Bygone and knocks him out which is a bit anti-climactic if Mister Bygone was the Byguy behind it all! I suppose he isn't because later Batwing escapes the clutches of The Joker's Daughter as she tells him she rules the place. I don't really believe her though. At the very least, she seems to be the High Priestess of the Cult of the Left Arm. She's also the keeper of the Maxie Zeus.

I particularly like her goat.se-esque decorating motif.

I'm assuming by the get-up and the name that this is Maxie Zeus even if it's a bit of a reinterpretation of him. At least from when I last read a story with him in it. He may have already been reinterpreted sometime in the last decade before The New 52.

Batwing defeats Maxie Zeus which is what he wasn't supposed to do because now Maxie is prepared to be vesselized by the Messiah! I don't know what that means. I don't know what any of this means! The Arkham Staff have all had their left arms cut off or have had their bodies turned into wraith housing. A doctor that Batwing stumbles upon says it's been this way for months now. Who is overseeing Arkham Asylum?! Shouldn't Batman check in every other day to make sure things are running smoothly? I think after Batwing and The Spectre finish their investigation, Arkham needs to be shut down for good. Board the place up and throw away the hammer! Burn it down! Cover it in an impenetrable plexiglass dome and fill it with concrete! It's a curse on Gotham!

Or better yet! Somebody should go back in time and kill Amadeus Arkham before he gets the stupid idea to "help" crazy assholes! Except maybe that's what happened! Maybe the time traveler tasked with the assassination arrived back in time confused, disoriented, and a little bit insane. That's why he winds up killing Amadeus's mother which gives Amadeus the idea to start the Asylum with the time traveler as his first patient! Don't you dare fucking steal my story idea, DC Comics and Grant Morrison!

Batwing runs into Jim Corrigan again and he almost reveals who is behind it all. Except he's interrupted by the person that's behind it all: the freshly returned from Hell soul of Deacon Blackfire! Oh. Hey! All this time I've been wondering who has been behind this crazy shit at Arkham and Snyder and Tynion had already told me in like Issue #1. I should probably pay better attention to what I'm reading instead of letting my mind wander as I think about Batman going down on Commissioner Gordon, or imagining what Warden Agatha Zorbatos does in her office with the door locked and her pants around her ankles.

I actually don't know anything about this Deacon Blackfire. Is he new? Was he created during The Long Hiatus when I wasn't reading comic books? Or was he invented by Alan Grant during his Shadow of the Bat run? I think those are the only possibilities.

Batman Eternal #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I should really make these end statements worth reading so I can post them as stand alone mini-reviews for people with short attention spans and the inability to enjoy anything worth taking the time to enjoy. Maybe pepper them with curse words to really draw the attention of the filthy, ignorant masses. Then I can finish up with a truly insightful comment about the story which will prove to everybody that I deserve the title of Master Comic Book Reader! I should do all of that stuff but I probably won't because it's more work than just closing my review with some stupid statement about how odd it is that the candy Sixlets only has five colors.

Batman Eternal #15

The center bar of my comic slot machine seems to have just missed the jackpot. Dang it.

Previously in Batman Eternal, nobody has mentioned why the comic book is named Batman Eternal. Now on with the story....

Batwing and The Spectre are making their way into Arkham Asylum. The Spectre is probably pouting because he's supposedly God's Wrath but he's been fairly useless since Jesus came around and pointed out that love was better. Unless he just pointed out that love and hate don't matter at all since everybody should only be concerned with the afterlife. I think that was his main message. Why wasn't the New Testament just a few sentences: "Do whatever you want. Pretend you're remorseful. Repeat after me: I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Oh, and don't forget to tithe!"

Batwing is probably pouting because he's just plain useless.

Who said an Irishman can't know Italian? Batwing needs to go fishing with his grandfather.

My Italian is a little bit rusty but I'll try my best to translate it: "Yo! Guido! Your mother, she worka in dis crazy place? Alla da time? 'Ey!" Hmm, maybe I need to book a fishing trip with my grandfather as well.

I apparently also think that the period translates to a question mark from Italian to English.

Batwing and The Spectre find Arkham trashed, the convicts missing, and the guards killed or missing. That just means it's Wednesday.

As he flies into Tokyo, Red Robin finally lets Harper Row know that he knows that she's aboard the Drakeplane. He probably should think up a new name for his plane before it gives his secret identity away.

Is Tim hitting on Harper? I love the Stress Position! Although I couldn't last nine hours. I mean, of course I could! But who would want to?! I have things to do that don't involve doing it all of the time, constantly and well!

Once they land, Harper Row dons a mask and invites herself to be Red Robin's sidekick. But her mask is basically The Grifter's mask! What is wrong with her?! I thought she was smart! Is she a fan of Grifter? I'm so disappointed in Harper right now. Grifter is awful! Just in case anybody skips this paragraph because it's too long and they're just skimming for tales of my unbridled sexual unbridledness, I'll say that again in a new paragraph.

Grifter is awful!

Back in Arkham Asylum, Batwing's systems discover that the air is full of human spinal fluid. That's not good, right? That's how the next Silent Hill game can differentiate itself from the rest of the horror genre. Come with an adapter that fits into the nose and squirts a fine mist of various human bodily fluids into your nostrils as you play. The Spectre (who I should probably be calling Jim since he's pretending to be human right now. But when have I ever been clear and concise and honest?) notices a magic spell on the wall in The Riddler's old cell and an upside down waterfall of blood in The Scarecrow's cell. Batwing comes up with a good idea though! Call Batman!

Oh bull poop! Batman is never busy! He's capable of guest starring in every comic book, every month, if he wanted to. If he doesn't show up to help, he's got a reason. I think his reason this time is that he just doesn't like working with Luke Fox. Or he hates the Goddamned Irish. One of those.

I just experienced a moment of déjà vu when I typed "the Goddamned Irish." That's either cool because déjà vu is always an interesting experience or it's disturbing because I type "the Goddamned Irish" way too much!

Batwing and Jim discover The Scarecrow being used as a magic blood pylon while he mutters some Niggaz Wit Attitudes song. Something about dying in a fire while on venom or something. Maybe it's just magic words. Mostly it doesn't matter because it's at this moment that ghosts attack Jim and Luke, Jim points out he knows who's behind this all (but he doesn't say. They never say. It would take one second to say. Does he say? No. He doesn't), and then Jim tries his best not to become the Wrath of God for some reason. Probably for the same reason Jason Blood hates to become Etrigan. Because he winds up sitting around in Hell for unknown amounts of time. Although, Jim would get to sit around Heaven, right? Maybe he hates harp music and overly nice angels that just want to make him feel at home.

Sorry, Batwing. The Wrath of God works in mysterious ways.

Batwing winds up face to, um, face? with The Joker's Daughter while Jim Corrigan meets the man behind it all: Mister Bygone!

Wait. Who?

Later there's a scene where Batman finally accepts Jason Bard's handshake. I guess that means he accepts Batman's way of catching criminals which means no killing. Sure, you can beat them within inches of death and, sure, occasionally the doctors lose one of them to their injuries later at the hospital. But that's an acceptable loss and can be attributed to medical error. You never see Penny-One lose a patient.

And later still, Batgirl discovers that she's not only working with Red Hood (unwillingly!), but now she has to work with Batwoman as well! Although she was super excited to work with Batwoman way back in Batgirl Issue Number Older Issue. I guess she's over the excitement of meeting a hot celebrity.

Batman Eternal #15 Rating: No change. I sure wish the person behind all the magic under Arkham had been somebody I recognized! Although then I would have been disappointed and ranted about how the chump couldn't have pulled off everything the person was pulling off. I just can't be happy with anything! I do hope he makes Jim Corrigan suck his dick though. No wait! I don't hope that at all because that's mean! Although I'm hoping it about fictional characters that can't actually undergo the trauma of the horrible things that happen to them. So I've changed my mind! I hope Mister Bygone does pull out his cock and drag it across Jim's cheek. But only that! That's acceptable, right? If it isn't, pretend I didn't hope for that and continue to respect me and not feel disappointed in me at all, okay dad? I mean readers!

Secret Origins #2

Oh shit. Who allowed Scott Lobdell to tell Starfire's origin?!

It's that time of the month! Time for more Secret Origins that nobody really fucking needs to read! Okay, maybe some people would like to know more about these characters. I shouldn't assume that everybody else has been reading DC Comics for the last thirty years as well! So shall we just fucking get on with it then?

Batman
The first story is about Batman's origin! That's an easy one! I can do it with just a few words! Zorro. Mugging. Death. Pearls. Sadness. Bat. Justice!

It looks like DC is going to be a bit long-winded about it.

At least DC's story has pictures.

I don't know who the Narrator is. It's just some Gothamite telling the story of how not just Bruce Wayne was changed by the death of his parents, but the entirety of Gotham! From that tragedy, they learned that random chance could cut any of their threads at any time! And that apparently sent Gotham over the edge and into madness! How can one's mind comprehend the terrible tragedy of a chaotically random universe?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Spoiler Alert: You never learn how to get there! You do learn how to attempt to stop the tide from coming in with your bare hands. But that other thing where nobody dies tragically in violent acts? Yeah, you never learn to stop that. Sorry!

Bruce travels the world to learn to stop random acts of violence and psychotic madmen. This one time, he trained under a monkey with cybernetic limbs. I wish this story was that story! But it isn't. Instead, this story is just a composite of panels inspired by back-up stories in previous Batman comic books. A panel which shows how Batman learned to fight to the death without any death and a panel where Batman learned how to solder from a silly monkey and a panel where Batman learned how to drive a stick shift. A page where The Red Hood teaches him an important lesson.

This is that lesson that we all eventually learn. It's the one about not being able to go home again. It's just that most of us don't get hit in the face with a mace when we learn it. Just me and Batman, apparently.

And so Bruce realizes what he's been doing wrong all along! He's been fighting without a ridiculous costume! That's the way to a world free from random violence! A man in a bat costume that carries away children that don't eat their vegetables! Well, actually, that part of the story from Martha can probably be changed a bit. Maybe carry away murderers or something. Anyway, the idea can be refined later! Right now, Alfred needs to get that fucking bat out of the house! It might be rabid! Eeeek!

Batman Origin Rating: No change. If there was anything new here, somebody else will have to explain it to me! I think the idea that he chose to be a bat not simply because a bat flew through the window but because his mother told him cautionary tales about them to get him to eat his vegetables, and because he once learned to shock his enemies. That might be the itty bitty twist that was put on the origin here.

Aquaman
Okay! I think I can do Aquaman's origin in just a few words as well! Woman. Grunion. Spanish Fly. Freak baby! No wait! That's my origin! I think Aquaman's has something to do with a man fucking a mermaid! That's nearly the same thing.

The best part of the origin takes place between the panels. You know! The part that takes place between the sheets!

The rest of the origin is really nothing new. It's already been covered in the pages of Aquaman except maybe with a bit less detail. Aquaman comes out the day of his high school graduation after which his dad dies, he kills Black Manta's father, and he ditches all of his friends. Then he meets some boring super heroes that he dubs "the Others" before ditching those friends to join the Justice League! Later, he ditches those assholes to become King of Atlantis and to stop all manner of monsters from eating anything at all. The end!

Aquaman Origin Rating: No change. This was pretty much a matter of fact retelling of the important bits of Aquaman's life up until this moment. The most important bit seems to be the part where Arthur's friend Danny basically set Aquaman on the path that would cause Aquaman to give up trawling with him. So why was he being such a whiny douche at the high school reunion about Art ditching him? Jerko!

Starfire
Starfire's origin is even easier to tell than the other two heroes! She was born an alien and thus has special powers that are natural to her alien race! There might also be some parts in there about slavery and not wanting to be a part of slavery (especially the slave part of slavery) or something. Probably a bit about how strong it made her and how it taught her to wear very little clothes.

That's the problem, Kori! You renounced your warrior ways publicly! That's basically like saying "Free slaves!" to the rest of the warrior races!

The Tamarans are invaded by The Citadel who are being controlled by the Dominators who have some kind of deal with Helspont. So, you know, whatever aliens Scott Lobdell could think up at the time he wrote this. And since he only writes while he's taking a shit, he didn't have a lot of time to think up any more aliens than this or else he would have thrown them omni in for super duper loads of excitement.

Just like it always happened, Blackfire is put on the throne as a puppet queen and Kori is sent into slavery to keep her in line and keep the people of Tamaran sad. Also Kori is kept sad too! Because of the slavery.

Some other stuff happens where she eventually gets sold into slavery aboard the S.S. Starfire. It's there that she fights back and leads the slaves to revolt and overthrows her slave masters! All in the skimpiest underwear any space princess has ever worn!

Starfire Origin Rating: No change. Once again, this story mostly covered old material without presenting any new or interesting themes. Relatively boring.

While the first Secret Origins showed some promise and made me think I was wrong to instantly despise this new series, this issue ruined all of that new found goodwill! It wasn't awful, so I'm not dropping its rank any. But it just didn't contain any sparks of insight or interesting themes. Batman's story was probably the most interesting. The other two just felt like rehashed hash. I know this series isn't really for me since I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I've read everything published with "The New 52" stamped on the front, but I was still hoping for, at the very least, some new perspectives on the characters. So far, Greg Pak's take on Superman from his two mothers' points of view was the best new origin and the one everybody else should look to on how to make these origins fresh.

Batman Eternal #4

This cover makes less sense than people who defend Aquaman.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I don't mock and deride Aquaman enough. I've really let him slide. But we've entered a time and place where there are more defenders of Aquaman than there are detractors. Aquaman fans have grown tired of keeping their love of the King of the Seas to themselves for fear of being ridiculed and wedgied. They were exhausted trying to explain to people why he was such an amazing hero only to have people point out he rides giant seahorses. But in the anti-bullying air of our modern world, they have finally decided enough was enough. They have risen up and shouted, "Enough!" "Aquaman is cool!" they shout! "Aquaman is strong and a king and bullet proof or something!" they passionately yell as they realize they're quickly running out of ways to make him seem interesting. "He talks to fish!" they shout at the same time the Aquaman haters shout, "He talks to fish!" Realizing that talking about Aquaman isn't going to prove that Aquaman is awesome, they have begun to deride those of us that know Aquaman is not awesome. They want to portray people who think of Aquaman as a joke as being outside the comic book fandom. They say people who hate Aquaman only do it to sound cool and to make friends with cool people and to impress good looking people who will want to kiss them after they hear them say Aquaman is dumb. Well, I'm not going to stand for that kind of shit! I am nearly a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and I am declaring that Aquaman sucks! Now who wants to kiss me?

Oh my god! I just had a great idea! DC should have Scott Lobdell write Aquaman! I wonder if Rob Liefeld has calmed down and is ready to work with DC again because he'd be the perfect artist for the job!

I also realized I have a positive thing to say about Aquaman! He's having sex with possibly one of the best characters in DC Comics, Mera! Also that thing about him riding giant seahorses? That's one of my favorite things about him! If Aquaman fans really wanted to win me over to loving Aquaman, they should point out how silly he was treated back when DC Comics didn't really know what they were doing. I think that was the first sixty years of the company. I like whimsical Aquaman! Also I like hard, dirty, bearded Aquaman by Peter David. Hmm. Maybe I like Aquaman?

I wish Aquaman had a weekly comic book! I would call it Aquaman's Undersea Adventures and Fun Time Sea-Pony Rides!

Enough about Aquaman! Let's point out how stupid Batman is now!

Gordon is still being railroaded by the corrupt legal system of Gotham.

Here's how you can tell the judicial system in Gotham is corrupt: a police officer is actually being treated like a criminal for firing his gun and getting people killed. That never happens! Cops constantly go around shooting people indiscriminately and never wind up paying for it! They might get some paid leave as the situation is investigated but they never wind up in court and they're never held in a jail cell! Ever! So when a police commissioner that's well known for actually doing his job fairly and well winds up in Blackgate Prison, you know it's due to corruption! The corruption that normally would let Gordon go free proves the corruption that's causing Gordon to end up in a cell in Blackgate!

Batgirl is a bit pissed off that her father has been arrested. Also because the judge declared that billions of dollars in damages were done to the city's infrastructure due to the subway accident. There's no way he's going to be able to reimburse the city on his commissioner's salary. So she heads out into the night to beat up on Pyg's thugs knowing that Batman will show up so she can ask him for a loan.

Meanwhile the new Commissioner's Number One Priority is to take down The Batman.

Ho hum. Yes, yes. Crooked cops hate Batman but love gang wars. Batman has never caused any deaths but he must be stopped for vigilantism before gangs filling the streets with drugs and death can be dealt with. Blah blah blah. So bored of this crap.

I guess this is the main story of Batman, whether I like it or not. There's a reason Gotham needs a vigilante. The cops are crooked and they suck and they just want to line their pockets. Sure, there are a few good ones like a bunch I can't name off the top of my head. You know, the fat guy and the brown girl and the lesbian and the new white guy and the ginger sitting in jail. But aside from those cops, the rest are smudgy little dingleberries. It seems like over half of Gotham's problems are committed in the name of stopping the Batman. Maybe Batman would do more good if he became Secret Batman instead of Symbol of Fear Batman! I think he needs less notoriety.

Batman decides to speak with Falcone by crashing through Falcone's skylight instead of ringing the doorbell. And then Batman is surprised when Falcone's thuggish secretaries don't want to let him into the office! Maybe Commissioner Forbes is right! This man is a menace!

For some reason, Batman doesn't smash Falcone's face through a table the way he did to The Penguin's face. I think Batman is playing favorites! Or he's afraid of Falcone. I think I'll go with that one! Batman is a coward!

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batgirl has decided running around smashing tables with The Penguin's face and kicking in Falcone's skylight is less effective than doing actual research on the Batcomputer.

She's really good with computers. I wonder if she's ever thought about doing it for a living?

Barbara finds a lead using the computer and Batman says, "PSHAW! If I didn't discover it, it won't lead anywhere!" And Batgirl says, "FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! YOU AREN'T THE ONLY HERO IN THE DC UNIVERSE!" Then I stand up and applaud.

And then the best part of Batman Eternal happens as Gordon is brought to Blackgate!

An appearance by Warden Agatha Zorbatos! SWOON!

Gordon is thrown into Blackgate's general population because that's exactly what you do with somebody awaiting trial who hasn't been convicted yet! Fuck the county jail cells. Just put him in with murderers and rapists and those guys that sold half a pound of weed in the eighties who are now watching as America increasingly comes to terms with the legalization of the drug while they continue to rot in prison for the rest of their lives. American Justice! It's the best!

Batman Eternal #4 Rating: No change. I think I'm going to stop doing commentaries on Batman Eternal. I think this comic book is going to drive me to hate Batman! He's like a guest that won't fucking take a hint and go home! He's like my old neighbor that used to come over to the window with a beer and stand there trying to talk with me while I was inside playing computer games. Go find somebody else to be friends with, Drunk Batman! Can't you see I'm busy and just want to be left alone?!

Batman #28

Is Batman Eternal going to be stories about the Legacy Batmans that take over after Bruce Wayne? Like that one in that big fat expensive issue of Detective Comics?

Last issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

No, it actually starts with Harper being hassled by Gotham Cops (possibly) in riot gear. I'm sure she deserves it because look at her asymmetric haircut and all of her face piercings! Definitely up to no good. If she doesn't think she needs to show her respect for society by looking like a law abiding citizen, then what other things is she disrespecting? I bet she shoplifts! And has premarital sex with people of different races! I bet she's never once stepped foot in a church except to blaspheme Christ! This piece of trouble has Ouija Board written all over her! But at least she doesn't have a tattoo on her neck, so she probably doesn't murder children.

The police long to beat her but she says some secret spy phrase about Gotham making the bees get on their knees or something and instead of putting her in the hospital like a couple of good bad cops, they escort her to a fancy party.

You can't tell from this scan but there's a big fancy dress party taking place in a cave with giant cat statues on the other page.

I should probably mention that this story does not take place in the "NOW" time but in the "SOON" time! It's also called "Gotham Eternal."

Turns out Harper is working with Batman to infiltrate this place. And Batman is working with a woman back at the Batcave doing Alfred's job. So genius that I am, it's beginning to dawn on me that this story does not take place six years ago at all! It may as well have been about a Czechoslovakian gunning down wild dogs for as much as either of them have to do with The Riddler story that had been taking place.

Batman and Harper break a few skulls together. Batman is surprised to see that Harper has been training instead of being a good civilian character that screws with the electrical grid and she points out, in a round about way, that Batman's sidekicks have been training her. So Batman has sidekicks now! And by now I mean soon! I hope he has about a dozen of them. Eventually the owner of the club grows tired of Batman and Harper raising her insurance premiums and she steps out of the shadows to reveal herself in the biggest non-surprise of the year!

I mean, really. Giant cat statues? Although I guess it could have been King Tut but fuck him! Whenever I stumble upon an old episode of The Batman television series and the villain is King Tut, I lose my chubby immediately.

Catwoman has taken over the Gotham Underworld and now controls the city. She's more powerful than Batman or The Court of Owls or Bane in his wet dreams. Selina gets Batman down on his knees and says she'll give him some vaginafor. And Batman says, "What's a vagina for?" And Selina goes, "I thought you'd never ask!" Oral sex ensues.

Or this happens. Take your pick.

Batman tells Harper to lay off his ex-fuck buddy but he calls Harper "Bluebird" as he does it. So I guess Harper becomes one of Batman's sidekicks! Perhaps Carrie Kelley is the other sidekick back at the Bat-cave. And apparently Batman is not encouraging Harper to seek out physical combat training from Carrie (or Robin (or whatever name she'll take)).

Meanwhile the reason that Batman has sought out Selina's help to stop whatever outbreak is taking place above ground is revealed: Stephanie Brown, aka Spoiler. She seems to know how to stop whatever is going on. And that's it for that story which will be continued in Batman Eternal #1.

Batman #28 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't care if this was an entertaining story or not (it was!). But this issue was basically Batman Eternal #0. So fuck you and your marketing bullshit, DC. This might as well have just been Batman Eternal #1, you thoroughly ravished glory holes. But instead, you shove it into a book that's in the middle of a very long story arc which is selling very well in the hopes of getting people excited about your stupid weekly series that already has Batman in the title anyway so why would you be worried about it not being picked up? Why did I just pay $3.99 for an advertisement of Batman Eternal in Batman? Sure, I get that it really isn't much difference. I would have picked up Batman Eternal #1 alongside Batman #28 anyway. You'd have gotten my money either way. But fuck you for delaying The Riddler story in the middle of the arc. I'm especially angry at you for forcing me to be fake angry at something so fucking inconsequential as having been forced to read a Batman story in a Batman comic book! Jerks!

Batwoman #24

This is Batwoman's comic series, so she should win this fight. But nobody beats Batman at DC! NOBODY!

Way back in Issue #5, I predicted that Batwoman and Batman would appear on the cover of Issue #11 beating the shit out of each other. Looks like I was thirteen issues off!

The issue begins with the Arkham inmates that the DEO set loose to draw in The Batman running wild in the streets of Gotham. This must take place some time ago in DC's chronology since Katana is still with the Birds of Prey and Nightwing is still hanging out in Gotham.

And David Zavimbe is still Batwing! I can tell because he really does look fat in his costume.

Batman shows up to battle Bane not because Batman doesn't want anybody else winding up with a broken back but because he's a fucking glory hog. I can't believe Bane agreed to get his ass kicked by The Batman just to lure him out into the open. The DEO must have offered him a small chunk of Gotham for his trouble. But even Bane's amazing acting abilities can't fool The Batman!

They don't call him the World's Greatest Detective because he knows how to please a woman's pleasure spot. You know what I'm talking about! That spot! There's a spot, right? Near the anus?

Bane taunts The Batman with Robin's murder during the fight which is just another clue to placing this comic book on the DC Timeline. Of course I don't know what any of those clues mean! I gave up trying to figure out what is happening before or after what about a dozen issues ago. If you want to know when events take place in relation to other events, you should see Canonology's site. If you want dick jokes, you're probably in the right place. That reminds me. I should probably make a dick joke soon.

Batman learns that Bones is behind the Arkham inmate riots when he injects Bane with a serum that turns his Venom into a toxin. That means Bane will be spending the next two weeks sitting on a toilet with a bucket in front of him. Which means the Talon story must take place at least two weeks after this story.

"Bane spilled his guts!" Bones made a joke!

Batwoman arrives and the brawl begins. Meanwhile, Hawkfire is busy infiltrating the DEO to rescue Alice so that Batwoman doesn't actually have to beat Batman and get his secret identity to save her sister. That's good! Because even though Batwoman declares she's going to cheat to win, she still isn't going to win! And she's definitely not going to learn Batman's secret identity unless he decides to just come out and tell it to her. And then the issue ends with Batman's hand around Kate's throat and Kate's hand around Batman's throat. Which is the last Batwoman panel to be written by Blackman and Williams.

Batwoman #24 Rating: No change. I suppose this ending to the original creative team is fine since no matter who is writing this comic book, they can't let Batwoman beat Batman! Maybe Batwoman will wind up marrying Batman and living happily ever after! I bet that's what will happen when the new creative team joins the book. Also, Nightwing will strip at Kate Kane's bachelorette party. Bones will be shamed into quitting the DEO and a depressed Sawyer will team up with a now unemployed Chase to start a Super Hero Dating Service. I'm almost positive that at least 75% of my guesses will come true.

But seriously. This was a really fucking good comic book and it sucks that editorial and the suits at DC had to muck it up with their opinions and egos and non-writer's ideas. Jerkos.

Poison Ivy #1

How many covers is Batman going to be on this month?

Have we discussed Poison Ivy's bush yet? I know! How immature! How childish! How Mallrats of you! But I've got to figure she's got a nicely sculpted topiary going on down there. None of that clean shaven bullshit for Poison Ivy. But exotic animals prancing about her pudenda? Oh yeah! Definitely. Probably with little blossoms popping up here and there. Maybe one of those Penis Mantraps. You know. Just in case.

You know why I'm talking about Poison Ivy's dainty bits, right? Because I just read her Who's Who entry and discovered her raw sex appeal! No wonder guys love to kiss her and die! She is looking pretty sexy on this cover. Look how high her boobs are! She probably has some kind of pushup kudzu bra deal going on in there. Her cleavage basically starts at her clavicle. Clavage? Cleavicle?

The issue begins with chaos in the streets of Gotham and Poison Ivy strutting about because she says there is no Batman. Does that mean this issue is actually taking place in the "Now" of DC Time with Batman having been disappeared by the Crime Syndicate? Creeper, Cyborg Superman, and The Joker have all taken place at some point in the past. Whenever it is, it doesn't stop Poison Ivy from, like The Joker, having a few nostalgic remembrances of her lovely childhood.

I don't think the New 52 Poison Ivy's parents are as wealthy as her Preboot parents.

These flashback scenes are beautiful. Between these and The Joker's flashback scenes, I'm wondering why DC doesn't allow more artists to use various styles on the monthly books. I suppose the art direction needs to keep the look of the comic books within some defined set of parameters because you don't want super hero fans picking up a book and getting beautiful art that looks too different from what they were expecting. Or it could be just to make things easier for pencillers and inkers to work together. I imagine some of the more beautiful work like this can only be done when you have one artist laying down the lines. And I don't want to shortchange what the colorist is doing here! Gorgeous. I just want more of this stuff! And the Joker flashback stuff! Stuff stuff!

Poison Ivy wanders about Gotham encountering people that remind her of her past. She runs into an abusive father which reminds her of her father and how he would manipulate her mother with flowers for her garden and she would always forgive him. Then she runs into a bunch of punks burning down the Gotham Botanical Gardens and she's reminded of her father losing control and killing her mother. She buries these punks alive in the Gotham gardens just as her father buried her mother's body in her garden so many years ago.

Poison Ivy's got them Daddy Issue Blues.

Poison Ivy got a job with Wayne Enterprises and was almost immediately fired when she approached Bruce Wayne with a plan to sell their products to everybody by using pheromones to make everybody want their product. Bruce loves money but he's more into real estate and weapon technologies that Batman can use, so the pheromones thing just wasn't what the company was looking for. Pamela tried to leave with her research and experiments and was caught. In the ensuing struggle, she was doused by her experiments, gaining the power to talk with plants, manipulate them, and resist all poisons. At least she didn't have to sleep with a skeazy French Professor this time around.

You mean until Katana killed you and it was never fucking mentioned ever again! Fuck you, Duane Swierczynski. Holy shit! I spelled his name correctly on the first try!

Poison Ivy is turning Gotham City into a jungle while Batman is away, so I guess that will have to be dealt with at some point. When that will be, I have no idea! I suppose the Villains Month books that are taking place in real time are happening after everybody joined the Secret Society of Super-Villains and given carte blanche to fuck up Earth Prime.

Poison Ivy #1 Rating: It was an average origin story with a few moments of eyeball candy flashbacks. Not horrible is about the best I can muster.

Suicide Squad #23

This issue looks like a lot of fun!

I've got other writing projects to work on, so I'm thinking about changing the way I do things here. Although changing my routine hurts me in the space in my brain where most people feel love and affection. I feel comfortable doing the same thing over and over again. Which many of you have probably noticed if you've managed to read my commentaries for more than one month in a row. Same old Superboy jokes over and over. Same old Scott Lobdell attacks. Same fucking swears, over and over and over. But that's why I was thinking about trying something new! I was thinking a way to make this less time intensive on my end was to do one comic per day in the normal way, writing the commentary as I read the comic book. And then for the second commentary of the day, I'd just read the book and comment on it afterward. The biggest problem with beginning this new format will be beginning the new format. I'll have to think about it for a bit. Maybe the next time I read a comic I've become bored with (like Batwing!), I'll do the commentary the new way.

Now that the boring business part of the commentary is over with, it's time for the boring commentary part of the commentary!

Last issue we learned that everybody was going to die because the Samsara Project was causing everybody to reject their souls. This issue, Amanda Waller has some 'splaining to do!

And James Gordon Jr. has some Foreigner to sing.

This is my art paragraph! So far, I really like the new artist! I think this is his first book for The New 52. That was my art paragraph!

Apparently John Lynch was behind all the non-Waller chaos of the last couple of issues. The reason it doesn't feel at all tacked on is because Waller was withholding the information the way she normally does. So it totally makes sense that Anarchoterrorists weren't really behind trying to flood Las Vegas with Shit Monsters or that Harley Quinn wasn't actually trying to break out of prison when she eventually worked out a Suicide Squad Benefits Package with Amanda. But anyway, John Lynch is their real enemy. You remember him, right? The dick leader of Team 7? The reason for all of this chaos? Not to test his Hypnotizing Billboard Technology. No, no. It's to fuck with Amanda Waller.

So the Suicide Squad is busy trying to infiltrate their way into Mingowee. The last time I had a Geography class was in 7th grade where I wrote an oral report about Icebergs by simply copying the text out of a sixties encyclopedia. Seriously, how could I not plagiarize something so fucking boring as icebergs? Was I supposed to punch it up with some dick jokes?

Oh, also, Comic Books tend to make up names for fake countries! So Mingowee is probably a fake name and Ales Kot made it up because it sounds like a hurt vagina in British Slang.

"Oh look! A pale white clown woman with a pie in her picnic basket! This should be fun and isn't suspicious or weird at all!"

There's a bit of a flashback where the details of Harley and Amanda's new benefit package are discussed. The neck bombs have been removed from the Squad and they'll all be released in a year to work as informants. So the deal is to become a snitch? Sounds like a pretty shitty deal. If they, you know, stick to it. I can't see King Shark (or Harley (or Deadshot!)) becoming informants.

Look out! She's got a pie! She's also looking mighty adorable!

I bet her pie is full of a slow acting poison that will give the guards horrible diarrhea and kill them in a day and a half. Or she might just use the gun that's next to the pie. Either way.

Cheetah runs around setting off landmines for some reason. I suppose to be a distraction? Because I doubt Waller is sending in any military vehicles to help the Squad out. And Deadshot is sniping John Lynch in the face.

Just like Call of Duty! One shot in the head doesn't fucking do a thing! At least John Lynch didn't lunge from this distance with his knife and kill Deadshot. Then it would have been exactly like Call of Duty! Also, where did that piglet come fro...oh, never mind. It's John Lynch's hand.

And then the expected Small Terrorist Nation Super Villain Team shows up! First up against Harley is Crow Jane. The Crow versus the Clown! She either has the ability to command crows, or she's really good with .32, .44, and .38 caliber pistols. She also might be talented at finding roadkill.

Or maybe she has bird vision and sees things slower so she can count bullets from an automatic weapon. You know what's easier than counting bullets, Crow? Listening for the gun to stop making POW POW POW noises! She probably burned through the entire clip in just a few seconds.

Next up is Lamplight. This guy looks like a second-rate Green Lantern and his Lamp is powered by a hand crank. He calls King Shark ugly because, and I'm just guessing here, Lamplight has never looked at himself in a mirror while wearing his ridiculous outfit.

Impetus goes after Cheetah because he's the fast one and the fast people always have to fight the fast people. That's stupid thinking! What I would do is have the fast villain go after all of the heroes except the fast hero. Then I'd have all the villains that are left team up against the fast guy. It might work if you're the one doing the ambushing! Nobody expects to be doing one thing and then to be tied up and naked and hanging from a tree one second later!

Lastly, Amaze pins Deadshot to the ground with her foot. So it looks like a Dollar Store version of the Justice League's big Five minus Superman. Maybe Lynch was saving Superman's slot for the day he could once again have Majestic under his control.

So Lamplight's powers are nonexistent and King Shark has powers I didn't know existed. Sonar? Really?

Isn't what King Shark describing simply really good hearing? I'm not saying he doesn't have sonar; it's just that he wasn't actually using it at this moment, was he? He just heard this idiot coming. And speaking of this idiot, did Lynch simply tell him he had powers that he doesn't actually have? Is this one of his hypnosis tricks? I suppose I actually just answered my own question when I called him an idiot.

Oh yeah! Lynch called for help from Titan when he was shot in the face. So Titan is the Superman equivalent on this team.

Impetus is defeated by Cheetah's landmine bees. Those are bees that smell dynamite and lead people to land mines. Or something. I don't know! I seem to have let my Great Moments in the Advancement of Modern Warfare Magazine subscription lapse. Even if the bees could detect landmines, I'm not sure why they needed them. Cheetah could have simply run across the entire field before the bees even found one mine.

Crow Jane ends up being less like Batman and more like Black Canary. I should have guessed by her Ross Dress for Less version of Dinah's old outfit. She actually looked more like Zatanna when I first saw her. But now she tries to scream at Harley and just gets hit in the face by Harley's landmine pie. Good thing the bees didn't set it off!

You know, this Super Villain team might actually be decent if they didn't have to scream their imaginary super powers at their enemies.

Deadshot defeats Amaze with kissies and doing its. Although before they can get to the doing it part of the plan, Titan cock blocks him. But then Deadshot proves that Titan's no Superman.

Too bad he uses up his one cock block for the day because he could have used it here.

Once Titan is down and Deadshot gets clear with Amaze, Amanda Waller has dozens of drones (and a stealth bomber!) bomb the crap out of Mingowee. Lynch seems to be somewhat immortal or something, so he'll probably be back. But for now, his plans of taking over a small nation state and using their oil and gold resources for his own ends has fallen through. And not just because most of the nation's super team has been beaten but because the Leader, Paris Mingowee, has been killed as well.

This page made up for all of the horrible jokes throughout the issue. Plus Harley is looking adorable again.

Suicide Squad #23 Rating: No change. I'm always wishing comic books would be more whimsical and fun. And then Ales Kot adds a lot more of that aspect to this book. Which I think it definitely needs. He nails it in that last page I scanned. I really liked the lightening of the mood in most places but I found some of his attempts awkward and ill-fitting of the mood. Like when he announces Mingowee in the Narration Boxes as "Some Country Somewhere Far Away" and then gives the president's title as a long joke title. I'm not against this kind of thing; it just didn't work for me here. I'm still not a fan of James Gordon Jr. being in love with Waller and not acting anything like a sociopath or psychopath. If it weren't for the fact that he's Narration Boxing all of his love feelings and his sudden philosophy of kindness, I'd believe he had some kind of ulterior motive. Perhaps Bab's Batarang caused some brain damage when it went through his eye.