Robin War #1

I was really surprised that the Robin War was beginning in Robin War.

Robin War #1 Rating: Look, it's only going to be around for two issues so I'm not adding it to the overall DC Comic Books Ranking chart! But it was good, okay? Probably really fucking good because Damian was in top form. And though I felt like I've had enough Court of Owls to last for a few more years, I still love the concept of them and I think this story is a great way to bring them back to the forefront. Especially because I think Kyle Higgins pulled off one of those things comic book writers rarely get to do: he added to the origin of a character that didn't retcon the character or change it in any fundamental way but added to his history and made him more interesting. It also tied Dick to Gotham in much the same way Bruce Wayne is tied to Gotham. Higgins made him Gotham Royalty too. And the Court of Owls history with Dick Grayson makes their part in this story more interesting still. The Robin War is simply the smokescreen to get their talons into their lost gray son.

Please enjoy and support my unabridged reviews of Robin War #1 and all the rest of DC’s comics over at Patreon! It would make a great Christmas present for your non-Christian friends!

Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.

Justice League Dark #39

Stop being so adorable, cover.

Some people would nitpick this cover to show what huge pop culture brainiacs they are. But I'm cool with them genderswapping Velma and having Scooby Doo wear a trenchcoat.

Don't try to make sense of that last paragraph! I'm in a mood!

This issue starts off explaining how nothing turned into something and that something it turned into was God so that God could start making some things that make sense from a human perspective. But never mind that part about God being created from nothing because that's just nonsense. As every believer knows, something can't come from nothing. And something can't just have always existed without an explanation. It's better just to assume an intelligence so infinitely superior than ours has always existed and, for some reason, that intelligence didn't decide to make us until it had already existed for infinity. It couldn't love us that much or it would have created us as soon as possible! Which would have been after an infinite amount of time had passed. Just imagine how many other creations this infinite intelligence created before getting around to us! And we're a pretty shitty model, so you've got to assume that we were just another practice batch. The infinite intelligence is probably still trying to work out the kinks, like cancer and racists. And free will, probably, because that shit really fucks up the bake.

When did Swamp Thing get so knowledgeable about universal matters? Stick to bulb facts, Rooty!

This issue is called "Pralaya" for some reason. Isn't that one of those Denny's breakfast promotions? "Come in for Pralaya! All month long! All you can eat pancake stacks! Get 'em before they disappear in an unending miasma of entropy and butter!"

Justice League Dark are attacked by dark creatures of a dark so dark that they are what darkness was before we gave it a name and exposed it to the light. It's like dark that no human eye has never not seen! It's the kind of dark that lies behind the darkness that you can't see! Somebody should have brought a flashlight. I wanted to say "torch" so that I'd sound British but then I figured my American readers would believe I meant an actual torch and then they'd be all, "But wouldn't Frankenstein freak out?"

I don't really care what my American readers think anyway! So I should have just stuck to my blunderbusses and said torch!

Some vast, dark creature is narrating as it watches the Justice League Dark torn apart by its dark darklings. It marvels at how these creatures fight even though they're insignificant motes in an infinitely vast eye. It just makes the Narrator sound naive! As if every one of us, once we realize our lives don't matter, should put a bullet through the roof our mouths. Look, Narrator! Even if I knew my life wasn't just insignificant but actually harmful to all existence, I still wouldn't kill myself because only when I'm dead will there be no time for another cookie. But while I live, cookies!

Oh! Oh! I know what's happening!

When the Justice League Dark left the Land of Imagination at the Beginnings of Time, they teleported into John Constantine's toilet! Now he's been watching them struggle to battle his turds as he laughs about how insignificant they are in his eyes! His turds are full of curry which is why they burn when they touch, dissolving Frankie, Swampy, Orchid, and Boston. Now John has flushed and he's sending them all down around the bend. I bet as they start to whirl around the bowl, they'll begin to be attacked from above by the yellowest of yellow drippy creatures!

The Justice League Dark begins to fight back because how embarrassing would that be if they were taken down by a bunch of floating turds? Deadman rallies like never before as it finally dawns on him that he's a ghost. And one of the special powers given to ghosts by God is the ability to turn into an army of ghosts. Ectoplasm is an infinite resource, I guess.

It's shit like this that has caused me to grow weary of this book.

The mystic whatzits are always super powerful and nigh on unbeatable for mystic reasons. But then the Justice League Dark all individually rally back using whatever power they have so that it looks like they're going to defeat the mystic whatzits with their ingenuity! But then the mystic whatzits redouble their efforts and Justice League Dark falls to the mystic whatzits. Then they're captured and have to free themselves which they do because this time they decide to put their all into their magic because they were just half-assing it last time. And they rise up to defeat the mystic whatzits with the exact same magic they had at their disposal the whole time and in a way that isn't ingenious or imaginative at all. They just put more "oomph" into it!

The way they save themselves this time is something they always do as well! Somebody mentions a spell (this time it's Tempus Durant, Time Stop) and the others all say, "But that's so dangerous! Do you think we should?!" And then the one that's about to attempt the spell says, "We don't have any other choice! We're dead either way!" And the others all go, "Good point! Why did you even bring it up for discussion then and waste all of this time? Just cast it already!"

Always what? Always remember Paris? Always hate him? Always appreciate that he took the time to satisfy your needs before pulling on his pants and heading outside to have a fag?

The Nightmare Nurse refuses to let Zatanna die because she has really decent health insurance. Once she's all better, it's up to these three ladies to save the entire multiverse from the Dark Narrator!

Also, the Dark Narrator introduces herself before they get to the final battle which probably won't happen until the last issue anyway. For now, she's just a big naked hottie named Pralaya and she's out of pancakes.

"Party's over! Everybody back inside!"

Zatanna likes the sound of heading back inside the womb so she dissolves the Time Stop spell and allows Pralaya to consume them all (using her vagina, I'm assuming. Her own words!).

Once everybody is consumed and everything is dark and quiet, a new House comes blasting out of Pralaya's vagina! It's the House of Hope! Unless her IUD just slipped out.

Justice League Dark #39 Rating: No change. I guess JM DeMatteis has decided the DC Universe needs one house for each color of the spectrum? The House of Secrets is probably based on greed. The House of Mystery is based on fear. The House of Wonder is based on love. And now the House of Hope is based on hope. I can't wait to see all of the other houses! Somebody should really paint them in their appropriate colours.

Justice League Dark #38

Maybe help the lady out, Flash?

I actually left the house and went on an adventure downtown yesterday! First I stopped by Billy Galaxy's which has tons of cool old toys and old comics and old Dungeons and Dragons materials but everything is way overpriced. It's still a neat little store to browse through and, if you don't mind paying a premium, you might be able to find the missing piece to some old toy collection. I like the store well enough and decided to support them so I paid nine dollars for a loose Super Powers Hawkman action figure. For thirty years now, I've had a Hawkman with a broken wing he received while riding shotgun in the Batmobile. Batman must have been drunk that day because he thought it would be a good idea to drive the Batmobile straight off the back porch. The car flipped upside down and landed on Hawkman's wing, snapping it off completely. I figured it was about time I replaced him.

I also stopped by the Doc Martin's store to see if they had any bright pink Doc Martins. They did! I asked an employee if they might possibly have any which would fit my feet and she said the largest size they make them in is a man's ten. I said, "Perfect! Bring them out!" As I opened the box, I knew they'd fit lengthwise but my feet were going to be too wide. I tried them on and still almost shelled out however many clams they'd cost (I never asked the price) but common sense told me the width would be a problem. So once again, I had to forgo bright pink Doc Martins because the world isn't ready for a world where shoes for men aren't completely boring and more boring. The employee sympathized with me and said, "I don't know why they don't just make them in all sizes." And I said, "Right on, sister!" Except I didn't say that part. I just said, "Thank you," and left.

Next I met the Non-Certified Spouse at Powell's where we each bought a book even though Powell's is the most expensive used book store in the history of used bookstores ever. People might think living in Portland is the bees knees because they have the biggest used bookstore ever and it's super famous and let's all jerk off over it, but they never consider the downside. Most of the books in Powell's aren't used. And even the used books are priced way higher than they should be. And because Powell's is so popular, smaller used bookstores find it harder to stay in business so there is a dearth of cutesie, affordable used bookstores with cats living in them here in Portland. Fuck you, Powell's! Although I still kind of love Powell's too. I think I'm in an abusive relationship with Powell's.

Finally we ate at the McMenamins under The Crystal Ballroom. I don't know what that one is called because I really wasn't paying attention. We prepared ourselves for a long wait punctuated by infrequent visits from an obnoxious server but were pleasantly surprised to get the one member of Mcmenamins' waitstaff who was friendly and timely. He did throw a few more thumbs ups at me than I was comfortable with. I was beginning to feel like I owed him a quick suck and tug by the end of the meal. Living in Portland, I guess I'm just not used to friendly service anymore!

And that's what happens on days that I actually venture out into the real world! I wind up ignoring Justice League Dark completely!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing, Frankenstein, Nightmare Nurse, and Andrew Bennett sailing across the seas of nothingness. I hope I don't have to read twenty-two pages of J.M. DeMatteis conversation between these characters. I mean, what else could possibly happen? They've sailed past the edge of everything and are now outside of all space and time!

Don't worry, guys! It's just the Zatanna tree!

Over in the Realm of Now (no, Now! Now! Now! Now?), Deadman, Black Orchid, and Madame Xanadu also become consumed by the Zatanna tree. Now Justice League Dark will all be together again and they'll return to the point in time where the House of Wonders ceased to be. And everything will return to normal and this comic book will end and life as we know it will never be the same again. Also, a bunch of people will begin buying DC Comics again simply because "The New 52" label is finally going to be dropped and they all believe that means "The New 52" has been cancelled and they're going to get their precious fictional characters back. Pshaw. They'll get what DC gives them and they'll like it! Or they'll stew and pout and bitch and moan about change just like old white men constantly do.

In my day, DC Comics destroyed infinite worlds and we liked it! We didn't have any of this "internet" in which to find other like-minded people with which to commiserate. Although to be fair, DC Comics really kind of sucked before Crisis on Infinite Earths. So it's not a good analogy to The New 52 because DC actually had some good shit going on before obliterating it this time. But, like always, things change not for the better or for the worse. They just change. So The New 52 has some shitty stuff and some really fucking good stuff. And the good stuff keeps getting better. I've been wondering when DC was going to finally drop The New 52 from the covers. I think that, and Conviviality, and all the new books beginning in June, will bring back a bunch of readers. It'll be up to DC to keep up the quality and maintain the new readers after that.

I'm particularly looking forward to the revamp because I've been saying all along that DC needs to concentrate more on individual stories and less on continuity. It looks like they're going to try that for a bit.

Anyway, Zatanna has now made friends with a face-tree living in a psychedelic miasma.

The Justice League Dark all wind up in Zatanna's land of imagination. Everybody hugs and enjoys celebratory cupcakes (except for Boston because he can't eat them and nobody will let him possess them to enjoy his cupcake and Frankenstein sat on it anyway). "Unnnh," he said, "I have cupcake on my pants." Then everybody laughed and the credits rolled.

Okay, maybe they didn't laugh. But they did have a long, boring discussion about whose little adventure was the worst and the pain of fantasy. And no matter how much I wished it, the credits refused to roll over any of it. Hopefully they'll get back into the House of Leaves and figure out what they're up against. And the World Tree decides to make it easy for them by creating the house right before their eyes.

Yggdrasil equals Zampanò's House of Leaves equals The House of Mystery. I'll buy that.

The House of Mystery takes the Justice League Dark to a place called The Heart of Chronos where time is created. And to their dismay, they find it ass-full of Time Gremlins! I think they're also known as Langoliers.

Zatanna manages to kill all of the Time Gremlins by expelling all the magical energy she's collected while living in her fantasy world. But she fails to seal the leaks in the Heart of Chronos. That might be a problem for the team next issue.

Justice League Dark #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. This story, "The Amber of the Moment," has had four parts so far. Two were interesting enough to entertain me and two were horrible enough for me to throw up in my mouth two or three times while reading them. And the Justice League Dark is still in the dark about what's going on. Is that where they get their name?

Justice League Dark #37

This is my favorite Darwyn Cooke cover yet because it has Rac Shade on it. Kind of.

I've been rewatching the Friday the 13th movies over the last few days and it makes me nostalgic for the days when female nipples poked through shirts. We don't get enough of that in magazines and television and movies today. Nipples have been wiped off the face of the Earth thanks to photoshop and overly concerned mothers! Actually, it was probably overly concerned wives tired of their husbands watching Three's Company with their hands down their pants. And if I were one to notice (which I'm not because I'm all man!), some of the pants and shorts on those guys are pretty fucking snug!

I'd forgotten how truly boring and not very frightening the first movie was. Probably because I first saw it when I was ten years old, so I just thought it was terrifying. It has a variety of scenes that don't take place in the Camp and don't involve young, beautiful people, and aren't scary in the least. And those scenes are oddly compelling. Like when the police officer is in the diner flirting with the middle aged proprietor. Nothing fucking happens in this scene and I really don't know why it, and several other scenes, are included. It was almost (I'm not going to say "Lynchian" like everybody likes to say to describe something weird but I'll say something close to it!) Twin Peaksy. It could have been Dale Cooper sent out to investigate Camp Crystal Lake! Now I want to see that movie!

The second film was a little scarier but it's still the kind of scary reliant on a quick and gory death scene. The music ramps up just enough so that you know exactly when the blade is going to fall. The characters check the door that you're sure the killer will be behind, thus ensuring that the killer won't appear until the room is checked out and the door is closed again. The only time it gets somewhat scary is when it's down to the last woman (the Survivor!) and she's being chased by Jason.

In both movies, there was a moment that seemed to be leading up to a big, gory death scene but ends in just a cut away. Later, the victims are seen as corpses. I wonder if that was planned or if the special effect to kill the person just didn't come out right and so ended up on the cutting room floor?

I'm currently in the middle of Friday the 13th Part III in 3D! This is the era where 3D movies were written around the concept of 3D, so every few minutes, a character throws something or sticks something or knocks something directly into the camera. Even though it's not available in 3D on Netflix (why not?! I have old 3D glasses!), I still make certain to jump when a stick or weapon flies into my face, or act grossed out when a human eyeball or a rat nearly climbs out of my television screen.

The timeline for the movies is weird too! The first one takes place in 1980. Then the second one takes place five years after the 1980 massacre at Camp Crystal Lake. So it's kind of a sci-fi thriller! Taking place four years after the release of the movie! Then the third one takes place the day after the second one. So Saturday the 14th, I guess? Maybe this was a year that had two Friday the 13ths in a row. That happens sometimes, right?

Since this is technically a comic book blog, I should get around to talking about Justice League Dark. I think in this issue, we're going to find out what happened to Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (my favorite!).

Old people and unborn babies? Worst world ever!

Madame Xanadu, Deadman, and Black Orchid meet a winged man in a floating chair named Arif, Lord of Now. No, Lord of Now. No wait, now! No, now! Now?

I don't know. It's one of those nows. But only one of them! Arif points out that where he lives, there is only the one moment but it lasts for eternity and kind of acts like linear time, as everybody may have noticed by the fact that his sentence began with one syllable and ran through a whole bunch more syllables and then ended on a different syllable. Instead of, you know, all of the syllables being blatted out in a bunch. Because of the one moment. So instead of, "I am Arif, Lord of Now!", it probably would have sounded more like "💬!"

They're fed a meal? But if there is no later, how are they going to shit?

Imagine if you were about to sneeze and you were suddenly transported to the Land of Now! You'd spend eternity on the verge of sneezing. How would you get anything done?! What if Madame Xanadu had just sharted from fright as she entered the World of Now? Stuck forever with shitty panties! What if you were orgasming as you entered!? Awesome! And messy!

Madame Xanadu decides to cast a spell to find a way out. It works about as well as you'd expect an incantation that needs to be recited in linear time would work when attempted in a single moment.

There are laws to magic? Why bother?! I thought it was all shortcuts and freebies! You know, as long as you can find some sap to absorb the price.

Madame Xanadu wanders off to spend time with Arif, a guy she's known forever whom she just met. Deadman and Black Orchid decide to go investigate the Beyond Beyond, a place beyond places. No, more beyond. Beyonder than that! Way, way beyond!

Madame Xanadu's date is super boring. Especially since it's mostly Xanadu Narration Boxing how much fun she's having. You would think if there were only the one moment, they'd just get on with the fucking already.

Deadman and Black Orchid encounter a guardian keeping them from the Beyond Beyond. Well, that won't do! It's time for the big fight scene!

Before? Before when? Before now? But that was now!

Before the fight can finish, Deadman sees something coming out of the Beyond Beyond. I bet it's a magic sailing ship full of vampires and demons and monsters and swamp things!

Xanadu kisses Arif and he dies of old age. I knew Madame Xanadu would be the worst at kissing! I think she once did the same thing to Jason Blood! Maybe. I might just be making that up to ruin her reputation.

After Arif dies, Deadman and Black Orchid come surfing in on a big wave of Beyond. And Zatanna winds up in a tree or something.

Justice League Dark #37 Rating: No change. This was the worst chapter of them all "The Amber of the Moment" chapters so far! I didn't feel like I was in a timeless place at all! I just felt like I was in a place where people talked about time as if it didn't exist but it did exist and they were just too stupid to realize it. This issue did remind me that Black Orchid is fucking adorable with those freckles and eyelashes. Also, her name is Alba Garcia. Did we know that yet? Well now we do! No, now we do! No, now! Now?

Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

Justice League Dark #34

Ain't no party like a Pantheon party!

I wish I were dumber than I am. I'm not even claiming to be particularly intelligent! I just want to be dumber! Because if I were dumber, I wouldn't be annoyed every time I see a commercial for a television show that I can't even type the name of correctly because it's filled with symbols that HTML will interpret incorrectly and I'd have to type something else to get the symbols to show but I can't even type that to show you what I mean because then you'll just get the symbol that's used in the title of the show, but I think you'll recognize the show if I use shorthand and just call it Scorpion. That show is about a group of "geniuses" that the government coerces into working for them because the "geniuses" are obviously idiots. In one clip of the show, a guy brags about his IQ being higher than Einstein's, as if it mattered or was somewhat impressive. Who the fuck cares what your IQ is, asshole. If you want to be better than Einstein, do something with your fucking smarts so that people will begin to use your name sarcastically when they refer to some dumb idiot.

The problem with writing a show about geniuses is that the writers aren't geniuses. So they can only project their inferior, stupid, moronic selves onto the genius to have the genius act how they, stupid peasants that they are, think geniuses would act. I have a feeling that the geniuses are going to learn a little something about life and common sense by hanging around with some good old regular folk, right? You know why? Because regular folk can only stand the idea that people much smarter than they are exist by believing that geniuses have no common sense, or that geniuses lack street smarts, or that geniuses cannot interact properly with other people. I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about how shitty this show is going to portray geniuses! I bet Agent John Doggett teaches them a little something about what it is to be human!

Now I might have to watch the show to gain more fodder for bellyaching in future commentaries.

Pantheon is gross.

Do I even need to comment on a comic book where nothing really happens? Because nothing has really been happening in Justice League Dark lately. I guess they kind of made Nightmare Nurse kind or something last story arc. Who could tell because I liked her the way she was. And now they're doing something for Boston Brand. But will anything really change? What will be the outcome of Boston Brand's adventures in Nanda Parbat That Was? Will he learn to love his intangible self? And will he get to bone the Nightmare Nurse?

Blah blah blah, magic is dangerous.

I've had it up to my bunny rabbit with magic being dangerous in the DC Universe. Why does anybody practice it if every spell is so dangerous? Every time somebody casts a spell in this comic book, two or three other people point out how fucking dangerous the spell they just cast was. Yet the spells keep on working and nobody has really paid much of a price for casting any of them. Can't somebody just be a happy go lucky magician?

Boston, unaware his teammates are bound nearby, meets up with his blue friend, Brahma Dass. Also, Boston is human again. If I were Boston, I'd remove the Deadman outfit so, if I were to die again, I wouldn't be stuck in that stupid getup. Even if it meant I was naked for the rest of eternity, it would be less humiliating. Unless being dead is really, really cold. Then I'd have to explain my teeny, tiny wiener to everybody I met every time I saw their eyes check me out downstairs. "The afterlife is freezing balls!"

Brahma Dass reminds Boston how he used to kidnap Boston when he was a child.

Back in the desert, Swamp Thing breaks everyone free by becoming a majestic dragon worm plant. Then he speaks with the dirt and learns the history of Nanda Parbat and Pantheon. It's a story of love and betrayal where Nanda Parbat loved Pantheon but then found a new love and forgot all about Pantheon. But Pantheon never forgot about Nanda Parbat. After Forever Evil: Blight, Pantheon awoke from a long, deep sleep and became determined to regain its love.

Meanwhile Deadman, for the second time since the Reboot, loses another body. He's too careless to have a body of his own. Anyway, he meets back up with Justice League Dark and now the story can end already! Let's just assume they kick Pantheon's ass, save Nanda Parbat, and return home. Maybe Nanda Parbat follows them back and begins a sexual relationship with the House of Mystery.

Can you die from sappiness?

Justice League Dark #34 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic has been mediocre and boring for a long time now. My favorite characters in the DC Universe have always been the magicians and now J.M. DeMatteis is making me not care for them at all. I don't even hate them because DeMatteis isn't giving me anything to hate! I might as well have cleaned up the house a bit instead of reading this comic book. It would have been just as interesting and at least I would have felt like I accomplished something. Is it possible that reading a comic book increases the plaque build up on your teeth?

Justice League Dark #33

I thought this said "In the grip of the goose!" up until I scanned it.

Remember last issue when Zatanna quoted that great poet with the line, "Limitation isn't an impossible invitation, it's a delicious cookie"? The reason she didn't attribute it like she should have is because the quote was from J.M. DeMatteis himself. This is where a lesser blogger or one of Scott Lobdell's characters would say, "That's so meta!" But it's where I say, "What a fucking egotistical bastard! Quoting himself? Who fucking does that?!"

I can't wait to find out who this Goose character is!

This issue begins with Swamp Thing playing chess against John Constantine and Deadman theorizing about me.

That's so meta!

Deadman questions why Zatanna has feelings for John Constantine as Zatanna looks at old family photographs with the answer to that question.

Daddy issues!

I don't know how anybody gets any work done while connected to the internet! I'm supposed to be providing hilarious comic-book themed entertainment by writing fake angry commentary on DC's New 52, but instead I'm on Skype with Doom Bunny making fun of Hollywood movies. That could be an entertaining blog all by itself! Our Skype chats should be like a radio station where people could log in to read the feed. It's probably the funniest thing most of you will read all morning. I'm not bragging. If I were bragging, I'd have mentioned how big my cock was. But if you go back and reread the paragraph, you'll notice I didn't say anything like that at all!

I was going to ask why guys brag about the size of their penis when it's not really an accomplishment when I realized that somebody with a big penis would probably already know why they brag about it, so I should pretend I already know! So never mind. I totally know the answer to that question! Big time! Wink, wink!

Now you're probably demanding proof that Doom Bunny and I have entertaining Skype chats. I should probably just let you imagine how funny they are because reality is never as good as imaginity! But I'll give you a taste anyway because it fills space and keeps me from having to think up new things to write.

Me: "Do porn movie plots ever resolve?"
Doom Bunny: "I don't know! Does anyone ever make it further than five minutes in?"
Me: "Pornos should just tack on the wrong ending to all the movies. 'Hostage crisis that turns into gang bang. After gang bang, the zoo is saved!'"
Doom Bunny: "I think after about five minutes, the actors just get up and walk away. No one would ever know!"
Doom Bunny: "It would be awesome if the pizza guy still demanded his money afterward."
Me: "And then is pissed about the size of his tip. Brozingo!"
Me: "Then the cops bust in because he's underage. Then she fucks the cops. Then the zoo is saved!"

I've trademarked the term "Brozingo!", by the way. So don't think you're going to steal it and market it on poorly made Hong Kongian t-shirts! It's what I always say after I say something really stupid but I want people to think it was really funny! I totally didn't rip it off from anywhere at all.

And then the zoo is saved!

Deadman can feel whatever the body he's possessing feels, right? So I'm sure he possesses people at least once a day to rub one out. Sometimes he'll possess Zatanna; sometimes Constantine. And occasionally, when he's feeling really nasty, he probably possesses Swamp Thing and goes off to fuck a pumpkin.

As Deadman begins fantasizing about feeling a really good fuck for once in his death, he's transported to a place with lots of snow and screaming faces. I guess he's going to have to host a new episode of In Search Of: The Mystery of Nanda Parbat.

Everybody continues to treat Constantine like shit, and while I'm not saying it isn't without reason, I am wondering why the fuck Constantine sticks around to suffer the abuse. Ditch these fucknuggets, John! You're better than they are! They're just a bunch of poncy twats playing at being illusionists. They wouldn't know real magic if it pulled them out of a hat! I'm just going to believe that Zatanna has unconsciously commanded the House of Mystery to keep Constantine locked inside. And John knows this but he's just being polite and not saying anything because now he knows Zatanna wants to see his penis happy. Even if she doesn't know she wants to see that. All that matters is that the House of Mystery knows she wants to see that. And the House might actually want to see that too.

Deadman's friends can't help him so he begins his quest on his own which is the way quests were meant to be taken. Unless you have a gardener that loves you so much that he'll eavesdrop on your conversations and carry your poisoned ass halfway across the world. I think it's acceptable to go on quests with people like that as long as they don't try to call themselves the hero.

Deadman begins his quest at home. Then he meets with the wise man that vaguely explains the outline of his quest. Then he's set on a journey to travel to his quest. This includes a dragon and some magic and stuff.

While Deadman gets on with his life, his friends continue to bicker and remain totally useless.

Back to Boston's quest, he finishes his journey and arrives at his destination. He didn't have any battles to fight or puzzles to solve along the way because I think his friends are dealing with that part of the journey. But he does realize that his journey has taken him from home and back again! He's home in Nanda Parbat! But he didn't face any difficulties or conflicts along the way. He didn't defeat a Humbaba or master the Force or drag a corpse around a city wall just for the fun of it. He didn't go to hell or Mt. Doom or the other side of the island. He simply put one foot in front of the other and soon found himself walking out the door and into Nanda Parbat! That was the worst heroic journey ever!

And apparently the reason everything was so easy was because the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (the pants part of this Evil Mr Smarty Pants are purely metaphorical) was hitching a ride on Deadman the entire time!

They're called Pantheon and they smell so bad that they evolved a skin growth that covers their nose so that they don't have to smell their own festering belly wounds.

Justice League Dark manage to follow Boston Brand and his new friends back to Nanda Parbat. That's when they encounter a destroyed paradise and Pantheon the thought-form projection mind-worms of a mind so vast and complex that Zatanna doesn't have enough time to explain it before Justice League Dark is attacked by Pantheon(s). During the brief battle (which is less a battle and more of a one-punch knockout), Zatanna casts one of her backwards spells that, when reversed so it can be read correctly, becomes "Dleihs fo Ollopa." I don't get it.

Anyway, Justice League Dark wind up unconscious and Deadman winds up alive. Poor bastard.

Justice League Dark #33 Rating: No change. The main thing I dislike about this book is all the commentary between members of the gang about the situations they're in and the dangers they're facing. I already pointed out Zatanna's discussion of the thought-forms and the mind so vast, and the individual projections, but there are so many more moments of clunky, explanatory dialogue that doesn't really explain anything nor does it seem to have a purpose other than to have characters speak. So at one point we get "the spells originated here--in the ruins of Nanda Parbat? Here...and not here." Profound! Then there's the hole in space-time that keeps shifting around them but it doesn't cause them any trouble and they enter and follow Boston with no consequences (okay, Swamp Thing gets cut in two. But that's not really a consequence when he just regenerates his body and nobody really comments on it except Swamp Thing himself). There's the battle against the "embodied spells" which are "living enchantments" that seem like maybe they'll be some kind of serious threat until Zatanna just dissolves them with one quick spell. It just seems like DeMatteis peppers this book with all sorts of exclamations by the characters about how magicky and super magicky everything is but none of the dialogue matters or means anything in particular. It's all just too much mustard smeared on a sandwich already covered in a disgusting amount of mayonnaise. And you figure, "Well, I already paid for it!" So you bite into it and suddenly realize that the mayo isn't mayo at all but J.M.'s love sauce! Not that I have anything particularly against people enjoying other people's love sauces! It's just I'd rather not be surprised by it, you know?

Justice League Dark #32

At least John gets to keep his cigarette.

Tumblr's random page feature is bullshit. Haven't they heard of Random.org? Get with the program, Tumblr! I'm sick of using my link to a random page on my site and only getting posts from March 2013! Do I have to wait until 4 PM before I can start randomly getting posts from April?! Your random number generation system is worse than Apple's!

Hey! Did you all know John Constantine is bisexual? Reader Locke wanted to remind everybody since John was sleeping with three women last issue. Actually, reader Locke wanted to remind me since, through experiential evidence from my eyeballs and my brain, I had noticed that he was sleeping with three women. Apparently I should have remembered that John was bisexual and pretended that one of the women was a man. Just to keep things straight. Um. So to speak.

I might have just sounded a little bit pissy in that last paragraph and my attitude is sure to be taken as if I have a problem with bisexuals because some people just want to preach at other people and point out that they're not as good people as the person doing the preaching even if the people doing the preaching have got the wrong end of the stick. But I just sounded pissy because I don't write the comic books. J.M. DeMatteis is on Twitter if you feel he should be reminded that Constantine is bisexual. I only report what I see! Also what I think I see! Also sometimes things I wished I'd seen but had to make up instead.

Okay, fine! I'm untrustworthy enough to have lied about John being with three women! But I don't like people assuming that I'm an Amateur Comic Book Reader! Haven't you read all of those times I've proclaimed that I'm a Master Comic Book Reader? You should trust that I know what I'm doing!

I also don't think John is a bisexual. I don't think he'd want to be labeled when it came to his sexual choices. Bisexual is too limiting for John. I'd make up a word here that describes his sexuality but, as I just said so recently there's no way you've already forgotten it, I don't think Constantine would want to be labeled. As a free thinking individual, he can give a toss what other people think of him or how other people want to control him through mundane categories. He's just John Constantine! Even that's probably too much label for him!

I like when reader's give bits of condensation nuclei to get my ranting bubbling to the surface but it often comes at the expense of sounding like I have something against the reader! I totally don't! I love Locke! And Natalie! And the other person whose name I can't remember but it sounded like I was a jerk to that person when I responded to that person in a commentary but I totally wasn't being hostile or mean-spirited at all and sorry that I can't remember your name [I think it was rebeccamartin2!]! Now do I have to list every other reader and say that I love them as well because I just don't have the time nor the inclination! How about I just say, "I love you all!" And I mean that in the most insincere way possible. I mean, it's sincere enough if you take "I love you" to mean "I'd gladly nod in your direction if you called out my name in public and waved at me like a maniac."

Well, maybe I love Artya. Or miss Artya. One of those.

Anyway, this was the basic conflict currently troubling the Justice League Dark.

Does it seem like Justice League Dark fights more amongst themselves than against other foes? Well they're doing it again! Luckily it doesn't last long before Constantine ends the fight by making all of their lives worse. He winds up trapping them all back in the Between. That's where stray thoughts go to not exist anymore. Or to both exist and not exist. Oh, who am I kidding? I don't know what it is! It's some kind of philosophical lint trap! And who am I to discuss philosophical topics when I dropped out of The Philosophy of Science after one day in the class because I realized I can't fucking stand wannabe philosophers. The whole first class was spent discussing whether or not what we see through the window is actually what's through the window. "Why don't you fucking jump out of it?" I muttered under my breath and began doodling penises and vaginas on my binder.

What I learned from my one day as a philosopher is that the greatest philosopher in the room is always the last one to ask, "How do you know?" The person resorting to punching the greatest philosopher in the face is not the greatest philosopher in the room although that person might be the biggest hero in the room. And I'm against all forms of physical violence! Unless the person committing the violence is wearing a cape. Then it's fun.

This is the new conflict after they sort out their internal issues.

Justice League Dark are now battling to not exist as the Between erodes their identities and slowly erases them from reality. Why fight it? Just let nonexistence wash over you! Let it embrace you. As the great poet Dylan Thomas wrote, "[G]o gentle into that good night." That's good advice!

Instead of letting them all stop existing, The Nightmare Nurse takes it upon herself to give the others time to get home. That's because she took some kind of a nursing vow at Nightmare Medical University to protect people in need. So she's going to remain in the Between to try to show it life is worth living and it's kind of a dick move to go around forcing other people to not live life in the same way that you do. Or don't. One of those.

So Zee is into three-headed parasitic demons! As the great poet Paris Hilton wrote, "That's hot!"

Did Nightmare Nurse and Zatanna spend an entire lifetime in Zatanna's head while Nurse was possessing her? Did they have a long relationship and a happy family? Did Zatanna learn how to play the flute? If not inside Zee's head then when did they get so close? Probably not during the Preboot!

Justice League Dark escapes and Nightmare Nurse returns to nothing. She says she gives her final power to her father. I don't know if she's speaking directly to the Between or she's speaking to a long lost father that filled her with Daddy Issues before setting her loose on the world.

Or maybe Asa isn't dead because Zatanna seems to have been keeping her under her tongue.

Which poet?! I've been correctly attributing my quotes! I'm going to guess it was either Rudyard Kipling or Nicole Richie.

Asa returns to Alice Winter's body but this time with Alice's permission and a promise to not bury her personality beneath Asa's voluptuous ego. And then everything is hunky dory! Even John seems to be welcome for the moment.

Justice League Dark #32 Rating: +2 Ranking. This was a well told issue that sorted out the Nightmare Nurse and her position on the team nicely. Although I'm still wondering about her father. Is he nonexistence? Or was he somebody else from long, long ago. Maybe Trigon the Rapist! I'm still not a huge fan of John being on the team since he's always been such a loner but maybe he'll work out okay in a support role and not as the leader. The one reason for him to stick around is to explore his connection to the House of Mystery and his room full of New 52 secrets. But I have a feeling that subject will never be broached again. It was probably just a little something for Forever Evil and now John just doesn't give a shit about his hero research anymore.

Justice League Dark #31

If Constantine were on this cover, it would segue nicely into my rant about Vapers with which I'm going to begin this commentary.

I saw a Vaper take a hit of his Cigarette Computer just before he walked into a vintage shop on Hawthorne today. Fuck you, asshole. Just because there aren't any laws against Vaping anywhere, it doesn't mean you should still be a righteous dick about blowing your vapor in everyone's faces. You know why cigarettes were outlawed from public places? It's not because second hand smoke is harmful. Sure, that's probably the only reason the law was as easy as it was to put into place. No, the real reason everybody needed it to be illegal for assholes to smoke in movie theaters and airplanes and restaurants is because the fucking asshole smokers were never going to realize that they were being complete and utter dicks by filling every fucking locale with their disgusting smoke. And now the Vapers suddenly think, "Shit. This shit ain't illegal and it ain't harmful, so what the fuck is the problem? I can Vape this righteous Bubble Gum Flavored Water Vapor anywhere I want!" Fuck you. You're being a dick. Nobody wants to suck down water vapor that you just hacked up out of your disgusting lungs. Learn about consideration, you assholes. I may have to change my diet so that I can fart the nastiest smelling farts at will. Because if I have to suck down your leftover water vapor, I'm going to make sure that you suck down my misty excretions. And I won't be shy about it. My ass will be centimeters from your mouth when I let one go.

How long before a Ray Fawkes writes a story revolving around Constantine's switch to eCigarettes? Probably not long now that I mentioned it!

Currently, Alice Winter, formerly known as The Nightmare Nurse, has appeared in The House of Mystery. It seems she's got some Jason Blood/Etrigan type arrangement with Asa concerning her body. Not a legal arrangement nor a friendly one. It's more of the "that fucking demon keeps stealing my shit" kind of thing.

Also, the Mystery Girl is still in the mirrors.

Zatanna has magic at her disposal so she doesn't see why she needs to believe Alice Winter's story at all. No reason to have a discussion with her or to try to get to the bottom of this situation through civil or normal means. Might as well go right for the magic even though Constantine is constantly pointing out how there is a price to pay every time for utilizing the short cut. I suppose if I could do magic, I wouldn't do anything the normal way! I think I'd practice Synchromancy! That's the art of causing everything you want to happen at the moment you want it to happen to happen at that moment. Like right now, I really want Indian Food. So suddenly there would be a knock at my door at three in the morning and it would be a guy delivering Indian Food. I'd say, "But I didn't order any Indian Food?" And he'd say, "Oh, it's already paid for and supposed to be delivered to this address! I'm also supposed to eat out your asshole as you enjoy the food." And then I'd say, "That's why I answered the door naked!" Synchromancy!

Inside Alice Winter's mind, Zatanna discovers a memory from eighty years ago where Alice was sick and an old woman named Asa was tending to her. So you know, she discovers some stuff that she could have figured out just by making some tea and asking Alice a few simple questions. Ugh, that sounds like work! I'd do the magic as well.

I guess Alice was the girl in the mirror previously because now Asa is in the mirror and she's watching Constantine fuck three women at once. How many penises does he have? I never find out because Asa pulls him into the mirror to explain her current problem.

Shocker! Turns out he really can't leave.

A sentient cosmic nothingness attacks John and Asa in the land behind the magic mirror. I think I've met that cosmic nothingness before! I'm pretty sure my sister dated it in high school! No wait. I don't think I could categorize that bit cosmic of nothingness as sentient.

John and Asa return to The House of Mystery so that Asa can get back in her body. Zatanna and Swamp Thing believe Alice Winter is the victim and refuse to allow Asa back in. So will there be a huge magic battle or will a rational dialogue take place? I know which one is easier to write! And, as such, I'm placing my bets on the magic battle!

Once again, not enough time to explain but there will be plenty of time to battle! Fuck you, J.M., and every other writer that keeps pulling this old fucking trope. I need to practice swearing at J.M. DeMatteis since I'm going to read Larfleeze next.

During the battle, Asa tries to reenter Alice. But Zatanna jumps in the way and winds up the living vessel of The Nightmare Nurse instead of Alice. Now the Nurse is going to have to give all of her prescriptions backwards.

Is she casting the spell "ON" or just saying "NO"?

Justice League Dark #31 Rating: No change. For a 22 page comic book, nothing much fucking happens. The cliffhanger ending can pretty much be guessed at by the cover by even the most Amateur Comic Book Readers out there. A slight House of Mystery mystery was dropped in the middle which I ignored because it didn't go anywhere. It just did that comic book thing where somebody says, "I know this!" Then somebody else says, "Yes? Yes?! Explain!" And then the first person goes, "I can't remember!" What a hook! I can't wait to find out what the thing I don't even know is winds up being! This was just one more mediocre DC Comic book that wasn't fun enough to read because it was so awful and it wasn't mind blowing enough to ruin my pants because it was so good. I think I was more bored reading it than I was staring at the wall and digging in my ears.

Justice League Dark #30

I'm disappointed to see Constantine on the cover. Hopefully that's a mistake.

Don't misinterpret my caption! I love John Constantine! I just don't think he should be part of a group like this. Occasionally, Constantine can get caught up in some kind of DC Magic Crisis on Infinite Planes or something. But he really should be obsessing over whether or not anybody likes him while locked away in a dark cellar somewhere in London. Oh wait. This is The New 52. He's tied to New York now. Whatever.

Swamp Thing probably shouldn't be palling around with a bunch of magicians either. At least not flesh magicians! What makes Swamp Thing any more magical than Animal Man? Why can't Animal Man be on this team and Swamp Thing be on Justice League Canada? I bet it has to do with his looks!

At least the issue begins with John exactly where I said he should be! I'm going to raise my Comic Book Reader Level for that!

Deadman possesses a waitress so he can kick John's drunk ass. Partly because John trapped him in the body of Evil Aquaman, but also partly just because Constantine is a dick and ran away at the end of The Blight and because he's always fucking blowing smoke in everybody's faces. But there's no joy in kicking the ass of a man that's busy kicking his own ass, so Boston Brand leaves John to stew in his own gravy.

Oh Boston! That's the only way you can tell if you're John's friend! If he uses you for his own ends!

The House of Mystery finally decides to earn its name. While The Nightmare Nurse hits on Zatanna, neither notice a young girl appear behind the mirror trying to escape. The most important part of that last sentence was the part I didn't mention where Asa and Zatanna were naked! The House of Mystery seems to enjoy creating rooms where its occupants get naked and have sex. The House of Mystery is kinky!

Deadman tries to prevent Frankenstein and Black Orchid from leaving the group. I wouldn't mind Frankenstein getting his own title where he's not an Agent of SHADE and is allowed to roam the world doing his own thing. I also don't mind Black Orchid leaving the group because she really needs her own mini-series. She needs some alone time to establish her character and her mystery before being relegated to the background in some group comic book. Boston Brand doesn't feel the same way as I do. He's a bit hurt by their need to leave, Black Orchid to find herself (hopefully in a mini-series!) and Frank because he just likes to be alone. He also needs to travel the world telling people to stop acting so pretentious and stuffy by correcting people when they refer to Frankentstien's Monster as Frankenstein. Most people know this and don't give a shit because popular culture has proclaimed it an acceptable method of referring to the monster.

I'm only scanning this panel because Black Orchid is incredibly cute in it.

That doorbell is Constantine drunk doorbelling the House of Mystery. He's come to speak with Zatanna but he doesn't mind fighting with his old teammates if they stand in his way. Which they do. So, you know, a fight breaks out.

Constantine easily puts the others in their places because he's a man that works with knowledge and secrets. He knows enough about them to put them down easily, one at a time. But they just want to blast him, stab him, or punch him. Zatanna arrives to break it up even though John has already mopped the floor with her team. She agrees to speak with him in private and everybody pretends that Constantine didn't just beat Justice League Dark single handed.

See John?! That's exactly what I said you should have told Zatanna in my commentary on Justice League Dark #29! I'm going up Comic Book Reader levels like crazy here!

John and Zatanna break up much more nicely and then Constantine leaves. Finally! Don't let the House of Mystery hit your ass on the way out!

Justice League Dark has now been left with three members. So Zatanna calls Swamp Thing to the House of Mystery to see if he'll join. He says, "No." And "Stop pulling me into this house against my will." And "Fuck off." But before Zatanna can make an offer or send him back to the Swamp, Nightmare Nurse bursts into flames. After the flames die down, she claims her name is Alice.

Justice League Dark #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. The group is a little short on members but maybe that's for the best right now. The members who left probably shouldn't have been on the team anyway. I still don't think Swamp Thing should be with the group either but that's kind of up in the air right now. Hopefully the team will get some good paranormal characters in the crew in the future. Maybe Blue Devil. Or Detective Chimp.