Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing

So that's why I finally dropped this series: they dropped the "on:".

Obviously I didn't drop this comic book because they dropped the "on:". The first thing I did was rename this comic book so I didn't have to include that stupid shit in the title! But then I was a different person thirty years ago. Maybe thirty years ago, I couldn't abide having a comic book change its title in the middle of its run. No, no. I already disproved that when I bought fifty more issues of The New Teen Titans after it changed its name to The New Titans. Maybe dropping this series after the Nightwing issue is simply proof that I fucking couldn't stand Nightwing for the first forty years of my life (granted I wasn't really reading comic books throughout my thirties. I took a break after Cerebus ended, continuing only by reading collected editions of Fables and The Walking Dead. I restarted again when I turned forty because I hate myself.

That probably sounds like a slam against comic books and it is but in my defense, have you read most comic books? They're fucking garbage. I don't know why so many people are trashing their reputations to join a shadowy white supremacist comic book movement that touts to make comics great again when the majority of comics never were great. I understand that I'm a forty-seven year old cynical jerk who's unwilling to continue to see comics in the same way I did when I was younger. But that's my prerogative, right?! Yes, I loved comic books growing up. I remember a lot of comic books fondly. But I can also admit, upon rereading comic books that helped shape the person bashing comic books that I am today, that a lot of those comic books don't hold up now and they didn't hold up then and only my naive innocent stupidity made them seem as great and inspiring as they were. Sure there were great artists and writers who invented an entire art that captured the imagination of generations of kids! But those people are easier to panegyrize in general terms. Kirby created vast vistas and engaging worlds. Stan Lee brought to life dozens of characters that would remain popular across multiple generations. Neal Adams wrote stark and realistic accounts of daily life but didn't know when to quit. Grant Morrison did something with some Baker and everybody shit their pants or something. Whoops! I started getting too into the particulars there! Anyway, great artists and great writers have simply made it easier to defend all the shit creators who fill the rank and file comic book jobs needed to keep the cash coming in. And yet even the Lobdells and Nocentis have their place because a lot of naive innocent stupid people, like I once was, will always be around to love Jason Todd or Green Arrow or Katana or Arsenal or Catwoman, no matter how fucking terribly they're actually being written.

All of that really doesn't say as much about comics as some people getting ready to send me a expletive-filled response might think. That simply says a lot about me! Why then, if that's my attitude, am I willing to reread all of the comic books in my collection from the last forty years? What kind of a sick, perverse self-hater am I?! Why would I waste my final years of this short and finite life doing this to myself? Come on! That's easy to answer! It's fun! I love writing and I love thinking thoughts and I love putting them on the Internet for sixteen people to enjoy! Oh, sure, I have over a thousand followers on Tumblr but I'm fairly certain most of those accounts were deactivated when Tumblr stopped allowing titties.

You might have forgotten that the biggest gang in Gotham in 1987 were the Jewish Surrealists.

I don't even care how many people don't know what the fuck I'm on about. Did you know this world is on fire?

Batman is busting a cocaine shipment into Gotham in the prologue of this comic book. According to the cover, he's about to be crucified. I guess the Jewish Surrealists are still micro-managed by Caesar's Hand.

Speaking of unbelievable things in comics (this segue works because I believe I was speaking about it fifteen hundred commentaries ago when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up the wall of a building), how does Batman always wind up unconscious and in some form of complicated trap and yet, in all the time it takes to put him there, nobody ever takes the mask off. Not one henchman is curious? Not one henchman binding Batman to the cross ever thinks, "If I knew Batman's identity, I could quit this henchman gig, sell the information, and retire"? I don't believe it. My theory is that thousands of henchmen have tried this plan but Alfred intercepted all of the blackmail notices, hired Jason Bard to find who sent them, and then hired Tommy Monaghan to kill them.

I would just like it on the record that I spelled Tommy's last name correctly before looking it up.

The Jewish Surrealists capture Batman because they had a sniper with a tranquilizer gun on overwatch during the deal. Batman gets drugged, blackjacked, and spit upon before nobody thinks to take off his mask.

At least I hope that's spit.

I guess if that isn't spit, I now understand why nobody took his mask off.

"Are ya kiddin' me, Rudy?! Put yer fuckin' dick away and help me schlep this bastard into tha van! The boss can take tha fuckin' mask off. Ugh."

Alfred calls up Dick Grayson when Bruce doesn't show up for morning stitches. Dick sighs, hangs up the phone, and goes off to do a literally thankless job because Batman thinks expecting people to be there for him is the same thing as gratitude.

I hate complaining about the art because I never complain about the art. So when I finally complain about the art, that means I really fucking think the art sucks. And, well, I'm complaining about the art now.

"Fuck dinosaur references! I got this!" -- Stan Woch

This is some of Woch's earliest work with DC so I shouldn't be too hard on him. Plus he's still alive and he might read this. Although wouldn't it be worse if I were criticizing the work of a dead man? Also, he draws a pretty decent studio apartment and jizz dribble.

Nightwing heads off to save Batman even though he knows Batman doesn't need saving. If Batman seems to need saving, it's only because Batman misses Nightwing and this is the only way he can see him without admitting that he misses him. "Oh no!" says Batman as he tries to remember what it's like to feel sleepy from tranquilizers or to feel concussed from a blackjack to the back of the head. "My legs are all, um, wobbly? I'm, um, falling now, right? OH! I'm helpless! I just peed a little too!" Then he lets the bad guys kidnap him and waits for Alfred to worry way too soon and call for backup. And of course Batman would choose a night when Jason Todd is off in California and Superman is off on Oa and Wonder Woman has her anniversary dinner with Steve Trevor.

Oh, just because he's suddenly half-robot, I'm supposed to believe some high school football star can now design high tech contact lenses?! Fuck you, comic books.

Dick finds a vial of acid left behind as Batman as a clue to who murdered him. I mean kidnapped him, probably! Who would kill Batman when they had the chance? I mean if they actually had a chance and Batman wasn't completely faking and ready to start breaking kneecaps the second somebody tugs at his cowl or tries to put a bullet in his brain. Anyway, the acid vial reminds Dick of that one case which was the only one ever in which Batman used a vial of acid which leads him to Drakkar, a Gotham drug lord. This is less evidence that Batman was in trouble and realized Nightwing would come looking for him and more evidence that Batman wasn't in trouble at all and was expecting Nightwing to come looking for him because Batman misses him.

With all the Batman themed stuff in this picture, that marquee obviously says Debbie Does Batman.

Nightwing threatens to beat up some cowardly punk named Skates who Batman apparently beats up every time he needs information. And even though Skates always gives up the information, he somehow hasn't been killed by any other Gotham criminal. Skates tells Nightwing that Batman is going to be killed at midnight in the graveyard. It's going to be a huge party. But instead of thinking, "I'll go to the graveyard and stop this!", Dick wastes precious time tailing Skates hoping he'll lead him to Batman or Drakkar. When Nightwing loses him due to Nightwing's fandom crowding around him, Nightwing thinks, "Wait. What did Skates say? Oh yeah! He gave me everything I needed to know! But now it's so close to midnight, I might not make it in time! Shoot!"

Drakkar's plan is to auction off the right to unmask Batman and put a bullet in his brain. So, you know, almost the plan I proposed when they first knocked him unconscious! Stupid greedy thugs! Now Drakkar won't be rid of Batman or rich because Nightwing has found him! And he saves Batman in the nick of time! Time for hugs and demonstrations of familial love and intimacy!

Oh Batman!

Nightwing should know Batman cares because he didn't disappear the instant Nightwing looked away. Batman does smile at the end but not until Dick leaves. Only the reader gets to know Batman is capable of the tiniest bit of joy! And that joy probably wasn't due to Nightwing telling Batman that he's proud to have been Robin. The joy was probably in getting away with not thanking somebody for saving him yet again.

Teen Titans Spotlight #14: Nightwing Rating: C+. If I had written this issue, it would have been from Batman's point of view. And all along the way, Batman would be thinking things like, "I'll drop this acid vial which will remind Dick of the Great Dragon caper which will lead him to Drakkar and the subway graveyard where I'm certain Drakkar will take me to kill me!" Then Batman will think, "I bet Dick and Alfred are brainstorming how to find me right now!" And later, as the gun is being put to Batman's head, he'd be all, "The lights should go out just about now! Dick will save me in the nick of time which I'll totally razz him over. Should I say, 'Cutting it pretty close, Boy Wonder' or 'Jason would have been here five minutes sooner'?" Then the final panel of Batman's life will be a bullet passing through his head as he's unmasked. The final page would show Dick Grayson sitting in his apartment listening to Cat's in the Cradle with the phone off the hook.

Grayson #17

What the fuck is Dick allergic to and why then would he smear it all over his lips? No wait. I just realized what the answer is. I just got it. Totally makes sense.

Rating: No change.

Guest stars aplenty this issue: Frankenstein, Grifter, Maxwell Lord, Rubber of the Japanese Metal Men. It's enough to make comic book fans read that list and go, "Enh." More likely they'd say "meh" but I refuse to use that term because it's the rudest response and everybody who uses it knows it. It's merely said to point out that the person the "meh" is directed at has made no point or comment worth reading ever. I'd rather somebody respond to something I write with "You're a fucking cunt."

I also can't stand when somebody responds to somebody with a response that the person previously mentioned they can't stand. So go ahead and respond to this in that way. You're only hurting yourself by being funny in the way 99% of people are funny. It's the equivalent of seeing somebody mopping a floor at the store and then pretending to slip. You're an idiot.

Hmm. This is a lousy review, isn't it? Since I'm on the internet and I'm supposed to be writing about Dick Grayson, I feel like I should be way more passionate about it. I should make gifs of me jerking off while watching Young Justice. I should write in-depth essays on the psychosexual growth of his character from Batman's sidekick to leader of the Teen Titans to Nightwing on his own to super spy. I should litter this thing with footnotes and stolen images simply to prove that I'm a huge fan and I have something important to say about him that only a true fan would figure out. I feel like I should change my URL to fuckyeahdickgrayson except that (and every variation on it) is already taken by people yearning to prove that they are the biggest Dick Grayson fan at the expense of every other good thing in their lives.

Here's my super analytical piece concerning Grayson: his name is an anagram for R Gay Son. That probably won't make it into his Wikipedia page, will it

Speaking of Wikipedia, I have a feeling that I would never be able to be friends with anybody who spends a lot of time updating the site. Just read the discussion on whether or not Dick should be referred to as "Dick Grayson" or "Richard John Grayson" in the article if you want to instantly hate two people whom you've never met.

Grayson #16

When Neil Gaiman said to "Finish things," he was talking about doing adult coloring books, right?

Rating: +1 Ranking.

I don't normally care what other people like or dislike. And I really fucking hate people who judge your life and say shit like, "I pity you." But you know what? I pity everybody who doesn't find this comic book utterly charming. I pity you! Christ. That's such a condescending thing to say, isn't it? Or "I feel sorry for you." Or "You don't live a life exactly like mine so you're wasting your life, you pathetic excuse for a not-me human being."

But seriously. If you didn't find this issue adorable, there's something wrong with you. It might be your heart. Your heart might be miscalibrated. How can you not enjoy what is basically a Marx Brothers/James Bond mashup?

Whimsy is life! LIFE I TELL YOU! Stop being angry about everything and be like Dick! You like Dick, right? Who doesn't?!

Batman and Robin Eternal #6

More like "Out of the ass!" Batman is totally farting on Robin.

This comic book comes out weekly so I probably don't need to recap what happened last week. We all remember how that one kid did that thing that caused some other thing to thing, right? Okay then!

This issue, it's time to learn a little something about Jason Todd. This is probably the best place to currently learn about him. You don't want to get your Jason Todd information from Red Hood Loves Arsenal because that comic book is a satire. I think. Anyway, you also don't want to get your information from the 1985 Who's Who comic book. This is my favorite line from Jason Todd's Robin entry: "His reasoning and detective skills are weak". Ha ha! Insulted by his own biography!

Actually, I meant to say "poor, sweet little Jason" and not "ha ha" if you're a Jason Todd fan. If you aren't, go ahead and read it exactly like I wrote it.

Maybe I was too quick to dismiss the Who's Who entry.

Dick and Jason are investigating the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer by a Whirlwind because that's where Harper and Cass were recently attacked by Orphan. That's also where Batman and Robin tracked down the Scarecrow several years ago but then lost him. It's also where my mind boggles at who congregates at this church! I did some extremely limited research with Lord Google but that only led me to some sites about the Carmelites and then to photos of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara, California. I grew up across the street from it and it continues to fascinate me. But I don't think they were worshiping any Thunderers. Although for a few months, some graffiti remained on the outside wall directly across the street from my house that read "Satan worshipers," so you never know!

Dick remembers back when he and Batman were trying to stop the Scarecrow from escaping to Prague in his prop plane. But it's not a story that he should probably tell to Jason because it ends with Dick almost, but not actually, being blown to pieces. He especially shouldn't bring it up because it apparently led to an around the world chase because Batman couldn't allow the Scarecrow to get away with almost killing his sidekick! Hearing that might hurt Jason Todd's poor little heart. (If you're a Jason Todd fan, just go to the next paragraph now.) Are all the Jason Todd fans gone now? Okay, now we can all laugh at him and call him a big baby! Wah wah! Batman likes Dick Grayson so much better! Nobody loves me! Boo hoo! Hmm, that was probably a little much, wasn't it? Now I just sound like an asshole! I can't help it! I don't want to hate Jason Todd but my hands are tied! DC has chosen to give me Scott Lobdell's Jason Todd and nearly no other representation of him! I would be a fool to care about him! Or Tim Drake for that matter!

Batman catches Robin in the Batwing instead of letting Robin fall to his death. That probably could have gone unmentioned, right? Since Dick is alive in the future and just remembering this part? Although Jason Todd is also alive in the future and he had his brains knocked out by a crowbar before being blown to tiny little bits and he's still around to remember stuff!

This is part of the memory that Dick doesn't remember but the reader gets to enjoy because this Maxwell guy is super suspicious! Aren't all characters introduced casually near the beginning of a mystery always the person behind it all?!

Maxwell tells Bruce about his wife Alicia. It turns out she's just one of Mother's products. Is Batman and Robin Eternal based on Futurama?

Maxwell is all, "Dude! She's been programmed to do anything I want! You should get one!" And Bruce is all, "I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Except he just says that part in his head and tries to remember to punch Maxwell in his disgusting face later after he puts the costume back on. Maxwell also mentions that he picked Alicia up at the Perfect Wife store in Prague! Bruce is all, "Oh! I've always wanted to go to...um...Germany?" And Maxwell is all, "Um, yes or the other country. The one next to it. Spain? Um, anyway, Mother owns that store and you should probably be realizing that Scarecrow was going there right about now and putting all of the variables into a satisfactory equation that equals justice!"

I find it unsavory that Maxwell is comparing grooming Dick to endanger himself in the fight against justice to purchasing a woman lacking any free will as a sex slave! I think.

Oh! So that's what this story is about! You know how fully 75% of Batman stories (I did the math on the calculator in my brain!) are about comparing the bad guy to Batman to show how Batman differs by the thinnest of margins (even though those thin margins are noble and shit)?! This story is about justifying what Batman did to Jason and Dick and Barbara and Tim and all the rest he took under his wing and turned into vigilantes! Now we get to see the evil side of doing the same thing. When it's all said and done, we'll be left feeling relieved that Batman did what was best for these kids instead of how we all feel now which is that he's a monster endangering children and using them to balance the suicidal darkness within!

Later that night, Batman decides to check up on Maxwell and his wife since some big thuggish guy was giving Maxwell the creep eye after Maxwell blabbed about Mother. After hacking into the security cameras at Maxwell's place, he discovers Orphan running around throwing knives at cameras. That's vandalism! Batman gears up and rushes out to stop that jerk! This is also the moment when he first creates the file on Mother. The file which none of the Batkids knew anything about. The one Cassandra Cain had along with her Batgum which she gave to Dick. This must be why Batman never told Robin about it. Because the things he and Mother were doing were too similar and he felt weirded out by it. Plus Mother was in Prague and they were already going there to find the Scarecrow, so why just confuse matters by mentioning it to the kid?

Batman does some research on Alicia and finds that when she was known as Gwendolyn, her family were shot before her eyes. She was kidnapped to be used as a product for rich men later in life. She--and many others--were purposefully orphaned to be shaped into products for Mother.

Since you decided to do it at least two more times, I'm going to guess that you eventually decide you're not guilty of that.

Back to the present, Dick makes the realization that it was the moment they left for Prague when Batman began concealing the Mother thing from him. He then tells Jason Todd that he's going to Prague and that he's not going to tell Harper or Cassandra about all of this mess. Jason Todd, being much smarter than the Who's Who gives him credit for, says, "You realize what you're doing, right? Do I need to make a chart so you can see how you're making all of the same mistakes Batman made? Should I draw a picture of you wearing bat ears? Maybe you should, you know, be honest with everyone? Let us all work this crap out together?" And Dick is all, "No time! No time! I have to get to Prague!" But then he thinks better of it because he knows Babs won't kiss him if he reminds her too much of Batman and he heads out to pick up Harper and Cass on his way.

Mother gets a one panel cameo at the end of the issue but I don't recognize her because she was drawn by Tony S. Daniel but she had lines on her face which totally confused me because I was all, "Is that a man? Is Mother a man? Twist!"

Batman and Robin Eternal #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the issue that reveals what to expect for the next 46 weeks! Batman is on trial for being a creepy old guy manipulating the lives of children and brainwashing them to act in ways they never would have acted on their own! Or...is he?! Once again, Batman faces off against a twisted mirror image of his own life! Joker! Wrath! Scarecrow! Catwoman...um, probably! And now Mother! Will Batman be found guilty of being gross?! Or will he be judged innocent of creepy intent?! Only a jury of Batkids can decide! Hopefully after they engage in multiple sexual escapades!

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Grayson #13

Time to start the seduction, Dick!

This issue begins with Dick Grayson naked. It's standard policy at Spyral to go over every inch of an agent who has an impressive and completely hairless body. During the exam, Helena assures Dick that Spyral cannot take control of his body via the Hypnos and they will work on preventing others from being able to hijack them. Lies! All lies! But Dick pretends to believe her so he can get Doctor Netz's hands out of his asshole already.

Agent One and Agent Thirty Seven have made up since they both had their asses handed to them by Agent Eight. They're back on missions together. This time they're after Tiger Shark. He's basically Mr. Burns in that episode where he sings "See My Vest."

If everybody knows Batman is dead, why is Gordon even bothering with the Honey Bunny Bat Armor?

The mission goes as easily as you'd expect when the bad guy is a guy named Tiger Shark whose entire goal is to fill his house with the skins and skulls of the most exotic and rare animals on Earth. Hopefully he'll somehow be shipped off to Belle Reve so he can die on a mission for Task Force X. He's exactly the type of villain they need to fill their ranks. He's even got enough of a personality to possibly keep him alive and turn him into a villain that everybody loves. The mission is easy enough that Dick spends most of his time speaking with Red Robin about Dick's new Spyral Nemesis, Agent 0 aka Luka Netz.

Red Robin has run a facial recognition program of his own creation to find that Luka Netz appeared in the background of a bunch of New 52 comic books over the last few years. Of course she wasn't really there! I checked! Too bad DC Comics doesn't have The Joker photoshop technology where they can break into my house and touch-up Batman #1 so that she's actually in the background in a cell! I stopped looking after that though so she might actually be in some Court of Owls scenes simply because, in those scenes, she'd simply be a black haired woman with an owl mask. She could be based on any old extra in a Court of Owls scene! She looks like she might be Lois Lane! Maybe she's just doing a lot of research on a Batman book.

Maybe Luka Netz is immortal just like The Joker!

Midnighter!

Meanwhile Helena calls a meeting with the heads of all of DC's covert organizations except for Checkmate because the meeting is to point out that she doesn't like Checkmate anymore. Any of the other organizations found to be helping Checkmate will be dragged out into the light by Spyral. Grifter is apparently one of the leaders of one of the groups. I don't know what groups still exist in the DC Youniverse but I'm sure they're organizations like Task Force X, Blackhawks, Black Razors, Stormwatch (which might just be the God Garden at this point), NOWHERE, AMMO, ARGUS, SHADE, The Crimson Men, and the Corvus Group. I'm probably missing a bunch.

Grayson drops a note to Midnighter to drop a note to the God Garden that something's afoot in Berlin so that the God Garden will open a God Door into Berlin causing Spyral to want to investigate which means Grayson gets his ticket to Berlin to seek out Luka Netz. The God Garden's agent is Ladytron. I don't think she matters. She's just a pawn with a nuclear uterus.

Midnighter has arrived to check out what Dick's up to but then just goes to a cafe for some cheesecake and coffee. Sitting at the cafe is Luka Netz reading some romantic twaddle! She's alerted to Ladytron, Dick, and Tiger who are battling each other in her secret lair.

Grayson #13 Rating: No change. This issue was rather flat after the previous couple of issues. Plus it forced me to read some Shelley. I didn't know it was Shelley when I began reading it but I did know that my brain was hurting. I don't really have much else to say about this issue. It was just one of those issues that was disappointing because it didn't compare to previous issues. It wasn't bad so I don't have any reason to insult it. That would normally fill up a few lines in the review summary. I guess you have to occasionally suffer through merely good issues if you want to keep reading a great comic book. Maybe if I'd met Tom King or Tim Seeley, I'd have endless amounts of praise for them and feel the need to attack anybody who criticizes them at all. But I haven't met them. And besides, those kinds of fans are fawning idiots and assholes without any clear perspective. I've met Scott Lobdell and I didn't let that sway my opinion on his writing ability!

Batgirl #45

What is the traditional time during the reception to fuck in the closet?

Dear Diary,
Today I was the hottest bridesmaid in all of the land. I was so hot that Alysia and Jo were probably upset that they invited me to be in their wedding. I also didn't wear any underpants! Not for sexy reasons! It wasn't like anybody was going to get an "accidental" glimpse of my goodies when I bent over to pick up whatever I fake dropped next to the cute boy anyway with all of that chiffon in the way. I didn't wear underpants so I could just swing the entire dress over my head and simply sit down when I needed to pee. And I was going to have to pee a lot because I was planning on drinking one whole glass of champagne! Oh! I also planned to do the dress over the head trick after the reception when I sat on Luke's face! My worst fear was that I was so eager to have anything with testosterone touching my lady petals that I was going to scream at the officiant to just hurry the fudge up with the vows cause I got a date with an orgasm!

Okay, yes, Diary. Alysia looked pretty hot. But she was supposed to look hot! She was wearing the wedding dress! I was in Prom Reject Formal and I was still killing it! Although one misstep with the not wearing underpants, Diary? I didn't realize how nice it was going to feel when the dress rubbed against my bare ass all night. And then dancing with Luke! And then later when that other thing happened that I'll get to! Constant fear that I was leaving a trail around the reception hall like some super horny garden slug. I hate to throw a spoiler about how the night went, Diary, but I have to say that there's no way sex is better than walking around in a constant state of anticipating sex! It's like my entire body was an erogenous zone and everything at the wedding was an erect penis!

I was lying! My most important job of the day was milking Luke's penis until he died of dehydration.

After helping Luke tie his stupid nerd tie, I came within twenty seconds of being defiled! Is that how long men usually last? The way I'm constantly wound up, I probably only need about three seconds before I explode. But just when Luke and I were about to untie that stupid tie so I could rub my vagina all over his naked chest, stupid Dick Grayson slipped through the window and interrupted.

I may have had an orgasm at this point. It may have been caused by seeing one Dick and feeling another. On another note, my shoes were ruined.

So Dick climbs in the window and he's all, "Who are you, hot African American youngster with the obvious erection in your slacks?!" And I was all, "He's the guy who's going to take my innocence later tonight! If you, you know, want to help, I suppose that would be okay." And Luke was all, "Blargle flargle dargle whut whut WHUT?!" See, Diary, he hadn't heard that Dick Grayson had only faked his death like a big jerk. I mean, if you're going to fake your death, you don't do it the Batman way! You tell your friends! Especially your friends who want to have that benefits deal! You definitely tell that friend! Maybe you even whisper it sweetly into her vagina! Maybe you write a romantic poem about how much it's going to break your heart to have to leave and remain out of contact for awhile! Maybe you take pictures of your lonely penis and send them to a secret email account that this erotic friend registered to house all of her clandestine and adult missives! What you don't do is leave and not say anything which totally causes you to miss your chance at deflowering the most beautiful ass in Gotham because she's moved on to a guy who--let's face it--is actually much hotter than Dick Grayson! And possibly too hot for me! Good thing I have the superhero gimmick to bump up my hotness by a few points!

My mouth said no while my vagina said, "GURGLE SPLOOSH GARGLE WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR WATERFALL!"

Look, Diary. This is not the time and place for intellectual and philosophical quandaries! You're not where I write my code and work on my college thesis! I was at a wedding today! You're going to have to forgive me if my mind seems to be a bit more on getting laid than it usually is (which is usually a lot). I was in the testosterone cloud of two very sexy men! If the room had had a fainting couch, I would have fainted all over that thing! Probably immediately after hiking my dress up over my head while yelling, "You both have consent!"

AnySwayze, Diary, you won't be surprised when I tell you I went out the window with Dick Grayson. I mean, I was definitely going to be straddling Luke's muscular thighs later that night so I should probably give Dick one last chance at being my first! I deserved it! He didn't deserve it but I'm pretty sure I deserved it! Dick was always the most nimble and agile and competent Batkid. We all knew he would one day take over Batman's job and Gotham would be better for it. So there's no way he isn't also super duper competent at making clitorises swoon.

Oh my god he touches his penis with that finger!

Yes, I sparred on the roof in my bridesmaid gown with Dick. Don't start trying to guess how this story ends, Diary! I'm sure you're thinking I lost the ring and didn't realize it and almost ruined the wedding but then Dick surreptitiously gets the ring back to me just before Alysia murders me with her eyeballs. I'm telling this story and you'll learn how many people I had sex with before I'm done! Just hold your pages!

Dick took the ring right off of my neck, Diary. He did it so that I'd chase him. He never could just have a simple conversation. It was always sentence, jump onto a roof, half a sentence, back flip into midair, half a sentence, swing on a pole, two sentences, land on awning, half a sentence, triple flip to sidewalk, finish the sentence, super hot smile. I knew I couldn't chase him across Gotham in my dress so I quickly got into my Batgirl suit and went off after him.

I would like to say it ended in super awesome sex but...well, you've read my other entries, Diary. You know how hurt I was when he barely acknowledged me while alive, how much my heart broke when he died, how much I found out my heart still could break when I found out he was alive...and now he was reaching out to me. Now. After he saw me with another guy. Has he been spying on me with his Spyral eyes?! Anyway. Why now, Dick? Why admit that you've had feelings for me all this time? Why tell me when...Christ, Diary. Just...just fucking Christ.

Oh yeah. He's got it bad.

I forgot to mention that Grump Canary was playing the wedding and reception. At least now that Dinah has the music gig, she's stopped giving me a hard time about burning all of her raggedy clothes!

AnySwayze, I made it back in time to be the hottest bridesmaid of the year! Dinah was all, "When I have a wedding, I'm going to call my bridesmaids 'birdsmaids!'", and nobody laughed! Well, okay, maybe some people laughed. But I totally didn't! Although I have to admit that would be a fun wedding. Strix and I would ruin that wedding cake! As long as Dinah wasn't getting married to that idiot Condor! I'd probably have to decline to be in that blasphemy of romance.

So then the wedding happened and it was all, "I do!", and "I do!", and big gay kiss! It was super romantic if you're into that kind of thing and everybody was weepy and joyous and all that crap. If you want the details, you should probably contact Alysia's or Jo's Diary, Diary. I'm not going to go into all the details of somebody else's big day that totally didn't involve me at all and made my vagina feel like a cavernous death trap that no man dare enter. I mean, the ceremony was cute and whatever.

And then I came home early in the morning and wrote this entry because Luke Fox is a gentleman. Ugh. Why am I always meeting gentlemen?! Before Dick arrived, he was all "I have a one track mind!" and "I like to say things that sound like I'm suggesting we fuck but I'm really just talking about things that aren't fucking at all! Ha ha!" And then Dick knocked Luke off of his game and now here I am all alone! Stupid Grayson. He owes me one huge orgasm!

Batgirl #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is cute even though I would like it to be dirty. It is entertaining but needs more fucking in it. Sometimes the crime happens and Batgirl must change into her outfit but she never gets out of her underpants on-panel. That is a mistake that should be corrected. Luke Fox never showed his penis and that was okay but more people would have purchased this issue if he showed his penis. DC Comics should listen to my advice and make their comic books with more sex in them. Sometimes the sex could even be boring and take place in only the missionary position with the woman on the bottom. I would even enjoy that even though no animal on Earth does it in that manner. Maybe that is proof that mankind has a soul! Because they fuck in a weird and awkward position. You should read Batgirl even though it never attempts to make the reader horny. It is still a good comic book to enjoy.

Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How dare The Scarecrow interrupt blow job time.

This would be a fun comic book if it were just about Dick Grayson remembering his early adventures with Batman. Maybe a present day story introducing Cassandra Cain could also take place but why does it have to be some kind of crazy revelation to Batman and Robin's history? DC doesn't remember that the word "subtle" exists in the English language. What did we learn from Batman Eternal? I know it's hard to remember what it was about because it took 52 weeks to complete but let's try and remember. What we learned was that Batman is a shittier detective than DC Comics would like us to believe. He was nearly beaten by Cluemaster. No, let me amend that statement! He was beaten by Cluemaster! He would have been killed by Cluemaster if Lincoln March hadn't come along and accidentally saved Batman by killing Cluemaster. So after fifty-two weeks, we learned that Cluemaster is the greatest Batman villain of all time. I would have accepted that story if Steph had been the one to kill Cluemaster though. Then Batman would have taken her under his wing to train her because he would have seen a spark of genius and the ability to survive. He would have wanted to save her because her father was just gunned down! But she would have been a seriously flawed Robin because she would always worry that she wasn't good enough because her last action before becoming a Robin was killing even if it was to save Batman's life. That I would have accepted. Having Cluemaster's financier save Batman? Almost as ridiculous as having Cluemaster beat Batman!

What I'm trying to say is I really hope this comic book doesn't try so hard that it's bound to disappoint. I just want to see young Dick Grayson working with Bruce Wayne. Hopefully when Dick finds out the crazy super secret that Bruce never wanted Dick to know, he'll just shake his head and mutter Bruce's name and forget all about it.

This issue begins with The Orphan about to kill Harper Row. He's toyed with her the appropriate amount of time that will ensure he'll fail. Villains really need to learn to pull the trigger quicker. You know what kind of villain would be a great success? A premature ejaculator! Just about all of the villains in comics right now are delayed ejaculators who never get to experience the money shot before their partner falls asleep tired and frustrated.

I was going to scan the panel where Spoiler inevitably flies through the window and beats the crap out of The Orphan but it wound up spanning two pages and that's just too much for my tight little scanner. Also it was Cassandra Cain and not Spoiler. So instead I'll scan a picture of The Orphan crying like Teleman after Death Rock fart's loudly in Teleman's face and then Death Rock blames it on Teleman and everybody calls Teleman gross for farting.

The tears are from the humiliation and the powerful sting of Death Rock's butt wind.

I wonder if I could convince Death Rock and other members of the Galactic Hero Corps to write some comic book reviews for me? I could work on all of my novels if I could talk them into doing this work for me!

Harper Row has a Mucous Membrane poster on her wall which proves she's actually the coolest of all of Batman's sidekicks. I wonder if she'll add some occult mumbo-jumbo to some of her future technological marvels?

Dick Grayson arrives at Harper's place because he's following a hunch he got after chewing the Batgum Cassandra gave to him. He flips and flops up the side of the building while Steph watches from outside and slowly unzips her pants so she can get her whole fist in there.

Splorch! Squorch! Splotch! Squarsh! Shplorph!

I hope I spelled the sex sounds right! That's how they sound like they're spelled whenever I listen to Nice Alice and Death Rock having sex in Insectorama's bed. Some of the sounds might be wrong because they're mixed with the sound of Insectorama's muffled screams because they usually do it while he's still in the bed. Death Rock says he comes harder when "some Jovi fan is struggling for breath with my knee on his throat."

Between Cassandra and Harper's taser, The Orphan gets knocked out the window. Dick catches him because he forgot about Batman's rule where if you forget to catch the bad guy as they fall to their death, it isn't your fault. Dick gets one of The Orphan's knees to his face for his efforts which probably would have made Batman laugh! He would have been all, "You forgot page six hundred and seventy nine of my Manual of Not Ever Being Blamed for a Bad Guy's Death!" Cassandra goes after the escaping Orphan as Dick checks on Harper and Stephanie struggles to remove her fist from her vagina.

That's her catch phrase? "Spoiler Alert"?

Here's a spoiler alert for you, Spoiler! If you want to maintain the integrity of your secret identity, maybe don't announce who your roommate is when you're in costume and your roommate isn't in costume and also when you are in your flat.

Cassandra knocked the tubes out of The Orphan's mask as they were fighting and now Dick Grayson smells fear gas. It sends him into a sweet nostalgic flashback when he was Robin and working with Batman. They had chased Doctor Crane into a cornfield outside of Gotham.

Thanks for the unnecessary information, Batman!

Maybe the information about crop circles isn't extraneous information! Maybe Batman will discover that The Scarecrow's fear toxin is what makes people create crop circles! Maybe the circles are representative of their greatest fears!

Dick Grayson experiences his first dose of fear toxin when The Scarecrow ambushes them. His revealed fear is that he's too jolly and upbeat for The Batman and that he's just not good enough. I can see how he would worry about that when he's just starting out. But by now, he's probably the only Robin who knows better. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dick Grayson actually realizes he's better at being Batman than Batman is, although he'd never say so out loud!

Tim Drake stops by Harper's apartment so that she can put a fist in her vagina too. I hope this issue ends with a big sex party! What was the rating on the cover? Darn. Rated T for Teen! Stupid teens aren't ready to know about sex so there won't be any sex in this issue. You'll have to learn somewhere else how guys and girls do it. And when you do, send me a message so I can confirm whether you got it right or not. Maybe send pictures too?

Dick realizes that the first four people on the cartoon that came with the Batgum are almost all currently in the apartment. The only one missing is Jason Todd. So they give him a call only to discover he's hanging out at Noonan's Sleazy Bar and pointing a gun at Cassandra Cain. I guess The Orphan got away. Maybe The Orphan is Hacken!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've been wanting a comic book that focuses on all of the bat children for quite some time and this issue did a good job of shoving them all into the same space. Tim and Jason didn't get much time but maybe next issue will really get these kids working together. Poor Batman. I think he's best on his own or with the Justice League. He never really works great with his sidekicks because, inevitably, the writer will make him treat them like garbage. But he raises some interesting kids who truly care for each other (sometimes. Like, you know, when Jason Todd isn't threatening to shoot them all). I like how this comic is getting Harper right in the mix, and getting Steph and Cassandra back into it. It won't satisfy the people who believe the history and stories of characters are rendered non-existent once DC changed continuity. Only maturity can rectify that as they realize that comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist. It's just best to believe that all stories you love are true, all the stories you hate never happened, and never, ever take your cue about what to believe from the people in charge.

Grayson Annual #2

Yay! Superman is finally going to be written well!

Look, Grayson Annual #2. I don't mean to complain because more of a good comic book is always a good thing. But you do realize that Grayson is only on issue twelve, right? So why the fuck do you exist, Grayson Annual #2?! You are not taking the meaning of the word "annual" very literally. I suppose if you wanted to be an Actually Nerd, you would point out that the first annual came out during the first year of the series and this one, technically, has arrived just after the first year was finished. You might also point out how annuals aren't a yearly thing anymore and they're just a way for DC Comics to continue to make money every week during months that have five Wednesdays. You can say any of these things but you still wouldn't wash away the feeling that two annuals in the first year of a comic book's run is just plain wrong.

Of course I forgive you, Grayson Annual #2! Especially since you've allowed Superman to join you. He's been having a tough time lately where he's been written like a total jackass. He'll probably be hardly recognizable in this issue! People will probably read it and think, "Who is that compassionate man full of patience and why is he wearing a Superman t-shirt? Is it a clone of Dick Grayson? I am confused!"

The issue begins several years ago when Dick Grayson was still Robin. Blockbuster has been rampaging down the East Coast from Metropolis to Gotham (which is a pretty short rampage, really. Like one bridge or something) and it's now up to Batman and Robin to stop him. Or to help stop him. I'm sure Superman didn't just shoo Blockbuster out of Metropolis and return to the coffee shop to finish his article on dirty local restaurants.

Don't worry, Superman. You can remind Batman of this conversation in a few years when Gotham is destroyed at the end of Batman Eternal. And then again after Endgame. It won't be very satisfying though because Batman is an Actually Nerd and will point out that, technically, it was his enemies who destroyed the city while trying to destroy him. You'll just have to be satisfied with the knowledge that you know Batman is just as culpable as The Joker when The Joker takes out his frustration on Gotham and its citizens.

As Batman and Robin leave Superman to deal with clean up and actually talking to people, Batman badmouths Superman. He calls him the worst insult a control freak like Batman can come up with: an unknown quantity. He also whines about how Superman is untrained and young. How does Batman know how untrained Superman is? Oh wait. Batman knows everything! I should probably just assume that if Batman is saying it, it must be true.

Batman ends his lecture about Superman by saying "He is most certainly not 'just a guy.'" So this story is called "Just a Guy" because Batman is sometimes wrong no matter how many times DC tells their fans that Batman isn't ever wrong and he's the greatest super hero to ever live and he could defeat Superman because he's so smart even though every comic book fan knows Superman would have to be a complete idiot to not be able to beat Batman. So in other news, DC Comics believes that Superman is a complete idiot. That's not breaking news to people who have been reading Superman since The New 52 began.

The story jumps forward in time to just before Dick leaves Gotham after letting his Bat-Siblings know he isn't really dead. He's putting the Spyral back in his eye and he's ready for some good old fashioned spy adventures.

The whimsical attitude Tim and Tom have given to the Spyral Organization is a nice touch. Unless Morrison already had that as a feature. Who can remember? I mean, I can't remember. I know a bunch of you nerds out there will remind me.

Dick finishes his statement on the next page by saying "with one last dance" after which he dives off of the building to do some of his signature crouch swinging about the roofs of the buildings. What happens next makes me laugh longer and louder than I've ever laughed reading a comic book. It's just done so beautifully! Superman swoops in to save the man he thinks is committing suicide. That man says "Clark?" which gets Superman's attention as he sees the man's face is a mass of spiraling flesh. This startles Superman causing him to drop Dick who simply says "Awwwww, man!" because now he's falling all uncrouched and graceless!

The only thing about the previous scene that would have made me love it better was if Superman's identity were still secret and hearing this guy speak his name was the cause of Superman dropping Dick. Anyway, great moment. Dick saves himself while Superman flips the fuck out about having probably just killed some guy. Dick turns off his hypnos and let's Superman know it's his old pal Robin!

This is how a compassionate person reacts to finding out somebody they loved wasn't really dead. You can be a dick to them later over coffee when you bring up how fucked up the whole faking your death thing was.

Dick and Clark catch up on all the weirdness that has been going on in their lives. I guess Dick has been too busy to watch the news or read Lois Lane's blog because he had no idea what was going on with Superman. It's probably best that he remained ignorant of all of that bullshit anyway. Better to just pretend that the Tim Seeley/Tom King Universe is its own place.

The reunion is interrupted by The Fist of Cain because they want to earn points for killing an alien. Everybody knew Superman was an alien before all this shit went down, right? Lois's article must have really played up the part about how he was losing his powers and he's totally vulnerable to being killed now. She's the worst!

Dick learns more about what's happened to Superman during the brawl, like how he's no longer faster than a speeding bullet and also how that speeding bullet can hurt him. He also learns that bit about Lois being a real jerk! Although I still think Lois did the absolutely right thing with HORDR_ROOT trying to use Superman's secret against him. I think she just panicked and did it before talking it over with Clark. They could have come up with a plan that left everybody feeling happy and secure instead of fearful and ignorant.

I wonder if that's how Dick used to describe Batman?

Since Dick and Clark are worth so many points, they decide to take the battle away from the urban center to avoid destruction, death, and chaos. You know, the way heroes would do.

Batman has the same problem with his sidekicks.

Dick directs Clark to drive to a piece of highway still under construction after it was destroyed during the fight between Batman and the Jokerfied Superman. Come on, Superman! This is why Batman and all the other fearmongering assholes have an argument about you being dangerous! Every time somebody fucks with your head, it's another potential apocalypse! Either figure out how not to be possessed, mind-controlled, and brainwashed, or go live on Mars!

Yes! Mellow at best! When is the last time we've seen Mellow Superman?! Okay, that time he stopped the guy with the gun in the alley while he had no powers. But he only did that because he had no powers! He should be acting that way even with powers!

Superman can't actually be careless in battle. He's so powerful that he never knows exactly how hard to hit his opponent without killing him. Which is actually another reason why he shouldn't be striding into conflict throwing punches! Although when it does come down to fisticuffs, Superman has to do a lot of math. He has to throw a lot of soft punches to calibrate how hard he needs to hit the person to simply knock them unconscious. It's a mental strain to brawl if you're Superman.

The Fist of Cain goons are sucking down some Venomade while they fight so they aren't as easy to defeat as Dick thought they would be. Although the woman biker was taken out by Dick turning off his Hypnos and flashing her a smile. I guess she wasn't a lesbian. Or smart. But then, none of these Fist of Cain goons seem very smart. And they just keep getting dumber because the next Fist of Cain member they meet is their newest recruit: Blockbuster! Superman ghost rides the motorcycle (actually named "Lana" for probably psychosexual reasons) with a Spyral bomb on it into Blockbuster. Dick and Clark get away in the chaos of the explosion to find some way to defeat Blockbuster. It can't be too hard to do. Batman has been known to do it and he's no better at fighting bad guys than Dick Grayson! Although he's way better at fighting bad guys than depowered Superman.

Clark once wrote a bio on Blockbuster for The Daily Planet so he reminds everybody about Rob Liefeld's story in Hawk and Dove #6! Oh such good times!

Superman has an idea! Maybe Dick Grayson, partner to Batman for hardly any time at all, can build one of those Hypothalamus Inhibitors that Batman used on Blockbuster during the encounter told at the beginning of this comic book. Surely Dick Grayson learned about electronics and gadgets and car engines during that time, right?

Sure you're just a guy, Dick! But Batman is just a guy too! It's just he's a guy with Lucius Fox's phone number!

Hey bad writers! I know a lot of you read stories written by good comic book writers and think, "But that's exactly the kind of stuff I write! Why does Twitter hate me?!" This book is a good example of the little details that lift up a story and make it more than just a hero beating a bad guy. See how King and Seeley's use of symmetry ties together both halves of this story while simply and organically comparing Superman and Dick Grayson? It's elegant! Well, it might not be elegant exactly. It's kind of a standard writing technique. But it's standard because it fucking works! Earlier Batman said Superman isn't just some guy. And now Dick is claiming that he's just some guy. But Superman is going to point out how he's way more than some guy while Superman literally is just some guy right now! Also that Nightwing story was a nice touch. Also also, Superman once ran around in disguise as a Kryptonian superhero called Nightwing based on Batman, so that ties it together even more for the huge nerds reading this.

Superman wants to call in help from Lex Luthor. But Dick Grayson has integrity! He would never be caught working for a criminal like Lex! Unless Batman asked him to nicely and he was just working undercover and he had an opportunity to bang a bunch of hot college girls. I think it's okay then.

Seriously though, Lucius Fox would be an easier call to make.

Clark makes the call and Lex plays the hero. Although he's a creepy hero who still doesn't believe Lois Lane's article about Superman being Clark Kent. Mostly he doesn't believe it because he didn't think of it himself. But I think he also doesn't believe it because Lois Lane's blog is terrible, if her articles in the Doomed story arc were anything to judge her work by.

Clark and Dick subdue all the now depowered bad guys and leave them for Commissioner Batman to pick up. All that's left is for Superman to say goodbye to Grayson in a way that I can't really be snarky about.

Although I can bitch about Alfred having two hands. I bet Lucius Fox built the new one for him!

Grayson Annual #2 Non-Ranking Annual Rating: This is where I'm supposed to say something that begins with "If you're not reading this comic" and then ends with something like "I hope your newborn baby gets cancer." But I won't write that because you should be reading this comic book. And if you aren't, it doesn't bother me at all. You're just depriving yourself of a really good super hero comic book written by people who know how stories work. One other thing I liked about this story is that Superman and Dick Grayson reached out for help when they needed it. They knew what they needed to stop the bad guys and they didn't let their egos or personal reasons for hating Lex Luthor (like how he murdered Dick and attempted to murder Superman several times) interfere. Too many writers think writing a super hero is just about making him a bad-ass with tough one-liners. This issue may have been called "Just a Guy" but it's about two guys who act like heroes. Unless the reason it was called "Just a Guy" was because Lex Luthor was supposed to be thought of as just a guy Superman is calling to deliver a package. No big deal! No reason not to call him. He's just this guy, you know?!

Grayson #12

Finally!

It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Midnighter #4

Meet Midnighter's sidekick: Dick!

This is the last magnetic poem I wrote years ago. It's probably still on the fridge because I haven't recorded it anywhere. But now I'll record it here so I can get rid of it and make some more magnetic poetry!

Untitled

listen listen
let that dog explode
coax the blisters
from her sacred yellow sanctuary
struggle with her secret admonition
the observation firmly murmuring

between spring and winter
there shined a light
she used to know it
but you caught it for yourself

Now I can take it down and begin again! I wonder where all the packs of magnet words are? Probably on top of the fridge behind the biggest wok in the world. Back when I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, and we had just purchased the Tabloid Magnetic Poetry set, I created my favorite magnetic poem which is this:

Untitled

Your fuzzy thoughts of post-Madonna yesterdays
Have little to do with your vanished passion.
Your borderline thinking and corduroy dreams
Have you as neurotic as a two-headed Michael Jackson.
Forget the therapist, child.
Who can know how far into Marilyn monster secrets
You are willing to hide.
Like Freud says...
No!
Like Oprah says,
"We need to unite our father Atheist with our mother Pope."
That Loch Ness hate you harbor in the Jungian litter box of your soul
Makes me rot like a hooker Queen with a neutered Kennedy.
An alien abduction of Bigfoot's butt is the anatomy of your runaway life.

I might have gone a bit overboard with the Tabloid words. But it was the new set! It had to be done!

This issue begins with three drunk Russians visiting a place called "The Inn of Guire Grando." It's a place where you pay money to get a private Karaoke room with a vampire chained to the wall. Then you get to stake the shit out of that vampire and high five each other because you've just saved the world! Remember how Midnighter found out that some Russian was selling stolen God's Garden technology? It might be that guy running The Inn!

This issue is called "Midnighter" without any punctuation which makes it totally different from the previous issues which were called "Midnighter" but ended with some kind of punctuation. I have no idea what this means.

Midnighter has kidnapped Dick Grayson to help him discover the man who runs the "Thrill-Kill Clubs" in Moscow. So obviously that means doing undercover research in a sauna.

With his powers, I wonder if Midnighter already knows exactly how he's going to fuck Dick Grayson?

Dick and Midnighter play some good cock/bad cock and manage to get the vampire killing douchebros to reveal the location of the Thrill-Kill Club. They have some delightful banter which causes readers to think, "That was a good scene!" Although some readers might be thinking, "That was way too much Dick Grayson nipple!" I wish I could read more comic books that make me think, "That was way too much Catwoman nipple!" It's not fair that women's nipples aren't allowed in Teen Plus comic books. Why are so many people against the creation of heterosexual boners? Lucky gay boners popping up all over the place because of Dick and Midnighter.

The guy running the Thrill-Kill Club is a vampire himself. He kidnaps homeless people, turns them into vampires, and then charges wannabe macho dumbasses for the experience of staking a helpless confused initiate vampire. Dick and Midnighter are here to shut this shit down. Partially because it's wrong and homeless people are being exploited and murdered (the murder part is so bad that I probably didn't need to add the "exploited" part). But Midnighter probably just wants to shut it down because it's connected to his stolen God's Garden technology.

That's a poor analogy, Midnighter! You know that sometimes the mongoose dies, right?

Midnighter kills the guy behind the club and Dick begins freeing all of the captive vampires. Midnighter wants to just stake them but Dick believes they should try to find a way to save them. But he can't. The tech that turned the captives into vampires was booby trapped so that they would die when it's tampered with. Dick tampered with it. They all died. That's all it takes for Dick Grayson to keep hanging around with Midnighter until they can stop Akakyevich the Black Market Fence of God's Garden Technology.

Midnighter #4 Rating: No change. This issue may or may not have been an allegory about the evils of glory holes. I like to think that it was because Midnighter and Grayson found the location to the Glory Hole Club in a bathhouse. The Glory Hole Club was a place men go to feel masculine by sticking phallic objects into waiting receptacles. Then something explodes and guys high five each other a lot. It's also less probable that it was a story about sex trafficking. But that's less fun and more depressing so I'm going to stick with the Glory Hole Theory. Besides the entire plot, Midnighter didn't do anything gay in this comic book so dude bro fanboys should feel safe purchasing this issue. Granted there were no females performing the Boob-Butt Showcase but what do you expect from the gayest comic being published by DC Comics after Batman Loves Superman and Red Hood Loves Arsenal? If you want a comic book that services your male gaze, you have plenty of others to choose from. Might I suggest that one with Alice in Wonderland with the huge breasts and the really short skirt published by Zenoscope? I should review those! Multiple times!

Grayson #11

Now kiss!

Lately, Dick Grayson has been killing spies from other covert organizations. Except it isn't actually Dick who's been doing the killing, as everybody knows. If you work in a black ops organization, you know that Occam's Razor can be thrown, carefully, out the window. It's turned on its head because disinformation is the main tool of the trade. So the most obvious conclusion is no longer the most obvious answer. The most obvious answer is the conclusion which the other black ops organization wants your organization to come to. So every single head of every single covert organization in the DC Youniverse who have demanded that Helena put a stop to these murders knows that Dick Grayson is simply a patsy. But they also don't care. If somebody wants to turn Dick Grayson into a scapegoat and Dick Grayson gets crucified, that'll probably end the murders of all the other spies anyway. And that's all that everybody really wants. Just a little peace and quiet and to not be murdered by some Dick Grayson look-a-like.

Currently, Fake Dick is beating the shit out of Agent One trying to get him to say aloud, "Dick Grayson is the traitor." But Number One is like the top spy ever (you can tell by the way he's called Number One) and he knows when he's being manipulated by a stinking Dick Grayson look-a-like. He'd rather die than betray Dick Grayson! No, wait, that's probably not why he's not saying anything since he kind of hates Dick right now. I think Agent One (Tiger to his friends) is just being stubborn and manly. Too bad he's going to be saved by the real Dick Grayson because being saved by an ex-Robin isn't manly at all. It's the opposite of manly which is a word I don't know because I don't think English has a word for "twelve year old male on the brink of puberty filling out a Dungeons and Dragons character sheet." I bet German has a word for it.

I bet Tiger is pretty embarrassed that he's losing a fight to Dick Grayson. Imagine how horrible he's going to feel when he finds out it's not even the real Dick Grayson! Although maybe that's more of a relief? At least you know the look-a-like probably never went by the name "The Boy Wonder."

That's because those pants don't fit right.

Dick Grayson's initial guess is that his look-a-like (that's such a poor word compared to doppelgänger, right?) is Clayface. That's a pretty smart guess! Being that they're in Italy and not Gotham though, it can't be right. My guess is that it's actually Dick Grayson's evil twin and this book is about to go old school soap opera on our chest and faces and a little bit in our hair.

Dick's speech to his look-a-like is particularly clever but since it spans two pages, any scan I make of it and resize to fit within the borders of my blog (hell, the pictures I size for Tumblr are still too big for Blogger (and most other people's Tumblrs since I expanded my main section's borders) will shrink the font down to a practically unreadable size. And then it just looks like I'm scanning in the pictures to admire Dick's face and muscles which I totally wouldn't do because I'm not gay for Dick Grayson. I'm not even College Gay for Dick Grayson. I need men who hit on me to have obvious flaws so I don't accidentally have sex with them.

Dick mentions how in these doppelgänger situations, just once he'd like the villain to be Killer Croc in a mask instead of Clayface. So guess what's going to happen twenty or so issues down the line? We'd better get a fucking Killer Croc in a mask story! Tom King and Tim Seeley have this writing shit under control and you don't set something like this up and not collect on the future payoff. I bet it'll be in the next annual, actually. And Dick will spend at least one full page just laughing his ass off. And I'll spend a full page calling myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader and patting myself on the back.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Now I'm fucking pissed. I just read this page and now I'm steaming! I'm so fucking angry at everybody writing Superman and Batman and Green Lantern and...and...well, and just about everybody! You know, writing them like raging, humorless assholes who punch first and then punch later too! Dick Grayson has no super powers. He's not full of angst and rebellion and Daddy Issues and More Daddy Issues and sadness and despair and rage. He's actually enjoying fighting for justice and helping people. Go fucking figure. He's having a blast! Why isn't Superman like this? Superman cannot die. Why isn't Superman cracking jokes as he speed walks up to criminals trying their damnedest to harm him and failing miserably? Why doesn't Superman smile as he simply picks the villains up by the back of their underwear and hauls them off to jail? Why is Superman's life so fucking hard?! Dick Grayson is the only real hero in the DC Youniverse. Addendum: Dick Grayson and Maps are the only real heroes in the DC Youniverse. I guess Batgirl is having more fun too now that she climbed out from the shadow of Batman and moved across the river.

Fake Dick surprises Grayson by mentioning Barbara and Koriand'r. That kind of throws a wrench in his good times because now he knows this guy knows his friends and family. And Fake Dick has shown he doesn't mind killing to mess up Dick's day. So the joking might have to be put on the back burner for a little while. Now it's time to go Batman on this guy's ass.

Is he Jacques de Constamment, Acrobatics Teacher at Hadrians Finishing School For Horny Young Women?

Fake Dick begins questioning Dick Grayson's joyful, exuberant way of fighting and now I'm pissed again! Don't make him feel bad for being happy! Don't remind him that he couldn't think of anything funny to say when the Joker beat Jason Todd with a crowbar! How dare Fake Dick try to turn Grayson into a bitter old clone of Bruce!

Actually, Fake Dick is kind of funny too!

Is this the issue where people who hate that Dick isn't completely serious learn a lesson about why Dick's humor makes him a better crime fighter? I hope this is the issue that puts those people in their places! I bet those places are really boring and smell like sour milk. I bet those are places where people read things like Deathstroke and Twat Lobo and think, "Yo! Bad ass! Booyah!" I bet those are places where laughter doesn't exist! Man, I hate those places.

Fake Dick takes control of Dick's hypnos and begins telling him a bunch of garbage about how he's weak because he doesn't take anything seriously. Fuck you, Fake Dick! Not taking things seriously is my entire approach to life! It's why I hated Dick Grayson for years when he was whining and moaning on the Teen Titans. It's why, since coming back to DC at the start of The New 52, I discovered that I love Dick. He quickly became my favorite character because he enjoys himself! And Batman fucking respects him and--Goddammit--he looks up Dick Grayson! Batman fucking knows Dick was a better Batman than he could ever be because Dick wasn't compelled by an obsession to do the job. I hope Dick Grayson defeats this impostor with jokes!

I hope nobody quotes me out of context with that "I discovered I love Dick" quote.

Fake Dick says the magic word to shut down Dick Grayson and his hypnos. He collapses just as Tiger sits up and rips the hypnos from his eyes so he can see who Fake Dick really is.

Surprise! It's a girl!

Alia and Tiger have a chat that the readers are not privy to. The next scene begins with Tiger and Dick being debriefed by Helena. Tiger tells the story exactly how it happened right up until the point after he ripped out his hypnos. That's when he leaves his ex-partner out of the story and claims that Fake Dick was Maxwell Lord, head of Checkmate. At that point, Dick resigns. His mission has been over for awhile now and he has no interest in playing spy games where a bunch of spy organizations just continuously compare dick sizes. Plus, he's not all that enthralled by the thing where Spyral can make him do whatever he wants through his implants. Time to get Batman back on the horn and get the fuck out of Spyral and Hadrian. Dick calls Bruce one last time just to tell him that he's coming home.

The person behind driving Grayson away with this entire Fake Dick thing is--big surprise--Otto Netz's daughter, Doctor Netz. Doctor is a weird first name but whatever. And apparently she has a sister with the weird name of Agent Zero Netz. They're the ones really controlling Spyral and the reasons why Dick will probably be pulled back in. But first, Dick needs to tell everybody in Gotham that he's still alive! Nobody has to be sad anymore!

Not that anybody really seemed very choked up about Dick being dead. I mean, maybe one or two panels where a few people cried but not much more. I think he'll be met by mostly a bunch of shrugs.

Grayson #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. The main problem with telling people that a comic book is the best comic book a company is publishing is that most people don't fucking care unless the book stars a character they're already huge fans of. It's why Marvel tends toward having a lot more super hero books in the top twenty. They have way more iconic characters, especially since their movies made a bunch of their B-list heroes into big names. And I'm not talking about the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm talking about Iron Man and those other Avengers that aren't Spider-man or The Hulk or the one with the hair. DC Comics has put most of their time and effort into Batman and Superman with the other Justice League members getting a bit of a lift but generally just when they're all together. So if I say, "Dick Grayson is the most entertaining DC comic on the racks right now," anybody not into Dick or Nightwing or Robin will just ignore the suggestion and miss out on a really great comic book. I hate that we comic book fans are so into following characters. I get why people like characters and choose to invest all of their time and money on their favorites. But I also wish that comic book fans would be more willing to branch out and pick up a book that's getting great word of mouth just because it's a good fucking story. I get that Grayson isn't quite in trouble in this case because Dick has his fans. But I hate that The Omega Men is so Goddamned well written and yet it's going to keep selling like shit because most people are simply going to scoff at it. And yet--and this drives me crazy--we will continue to buy a book with our favorite character in it for years even when it's a piece of shit! As fans, we need to stop blaming the shitty quality of comic books on the publishers and start looking in the mirror. But not my mirror. I do everything right! I supported Demon Knights and All Star Western while y'all were buying Ann Nocenti's shitvomit Catwoman and Scott Lobdell's puppy massacre Red Hood and the Outlaws. Please support this book and if you like it, just realize that The Omega Men is also written by Tom King. It might not be a coincidence that both books are killing it.