Superman #22

Jon needs to learn to eat his Popsicles faster.

Some weird shit is going down in Hamilton County and I just figured out what it is! Rorschach's disintegrated atoms probably came to rest in the soil! So now it's all, "I'm not trapped out on the farm with you. You're trapped out on the farm with this cow's disgusting milk and a weird house in the swamp. Oh, and me!"

This issue begins with Lois Lane reminding me of a traumatic moment in my life.

I get it, Pat and Pete. You guys are sadistic assholes who don't want anybody to forget the murder of Goldie. Unless you're going to bring Goldie back from the dead, can you just stop reminding me of the death of my best friend? I mean the death of Goldie!

Since Batman is locked in a freezer covered in rotting cow's milk, Lois Lane is the only capable investigator left in Hamilton County. She heads out to solve the Mystery of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On. If anybody can solve it and possibly fall out of a helicopter while doing so and have to be rescued by Superman, it's Lois Lane!

During her investigation, Lois stumbles upon a bank of monitors set up in the basement of the Hamilton Town Hall. On every monitor are images of Jon at different points across his life. Even at times before they were living in Hamilton County! Is this is a new mystery or can I just stick it under the general heading of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On Mystery? See, it was pretty smart to name it so loosely, right?! You were probably thinking, "That title would never sell a single Goddamned Nancy Drew novel, you stupid cunt." Whoa, whoa! Why so hostile, imaginary reader? Sheesh! Bring it down a notch.

That King Arthur movie still looks fucking stupid.

Is this a modern retelling where King Arthur's a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood in Portland and pulls Excalibur out of a Marantz 6370Q turntable? It would explain the "from nothing comes a king" tagline.

Lois is discovered discovering the town's secret of knowing her family's secret. She rushes home to find the leaders of the town in her living room acting ominously. That was the opposite of hyperbole! I don't know the word for that because I rarely ever find it useful!

Lois escapes the weird town elders by slipping on her Batman Doomsday Glove and blasting the fuck out of them. Then the Batmobile pulls up to rescue her and she gets away. The Batmobile suggests killing the fuck out of the people chasing her and Lois is all, "Hells yeah, bitches!" So then missiles blast a bunch of town folk and the Lois Lane runs one of them over and somewhere Superman and Batman weep heroically. I'm guessing Lois Lane realized these town elders weren't really human, what with the being able to survive giant squid attacks and being able to be seemingly everywhere at once. Otherwise, Lois Lane had better find a good lawyer who knows their way around a murder in self-defense trial.

Lois Lane is finally stopped by Mr. Cobb the Dairy Farmer. That confrontation will have to happen in a later issue because it's time for the big surprise reveal of what Superman found in the House of Mystery in Deadman's Swamp! He stumbles upon a huge ship underground. Deep within it, he finds Batman, Robin, some criminal clowns, Frankenstein, and Lady Frankenstein all stuck in a bunch of vacuum tubes. Unless they're Bacta Tanks. I guess they didn't get every piece of Candice the Alien when they blew her up a number of issues ago. I'm pretty sure that was made explicit during that issue but hell if I can remember that far back! It's not like I remember she was called Kroog and she was capable of reforming from even a single misplaced bit of herself. Based on the black goo everywhere, it's possible a whole bunch of Kroog (or Kroog as a whole bunch of parts of itself?) have created a Kroog haven here on Earth. It's also possible it's different aliens altogether.

The Ranking!
You know what? Fuck ranking comic books. If you can't tell I liked a comic book, what does it matter? That's never been the point of this blog and I only stapled it into place on the finished product because people seem to expect that kind of thing. Maybe live with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whether or not I actually liked a comic book I read and made fun of! Maybe don't rely so much on other people's stupid opinions (even if those stupid opinions are coming from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader). Maybe just enjoy this diatribes for what they are: a huge waste of everybody's time!

Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Superman #19

I wonder if most imps in the 5th Dimension have fairly normal names so they can't get away with pranking the 3rd Dimension as easily.

This issue begins with Jon slipping out of the 3rd Dimension and into Mxy's secret basement molestation lair. I'm sorry but it had to be said. We're all thinking that a little old man in an odd hat stealing a kid to hide him away and play games is obviously an analogy for a sexual predator but most of us have too much class and/or fear of being scolded by righteously indignant Internet users to say it: Jon is about to be diddleplked.

Lois has forgotten about Jon because she's lucky. She's also forgotten that she saw a bunch of 5th Dimensional beings pleading for her help inside a snow globe owned by Mr. Mxyzptlk. That's okay. Most visitors to the Fortress of Solitude soon forget the jar full of little people pleading for help too. It's easier to pretend you imagined something so horrific, especially when Superman's underwear is hanging off the rim of the bottle.

Superman wants to play the game with Mxy now but Mxy is still peeved from being forgotten. I think the game might be a bit more Saw- or Cube-like this time around. Did I punctuate that correctly? Oh, who the fuck cares? Judging by the amount of exclamation points I use, nobody thinks I'm a fucking grammar genius!

Mxy transports Clark and Lois to his newfangled, more dangerous gameworld. It looks far more dangerous than Cube. I think it's more like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Hmm. Is that the explanation for Cube? It was a modern day Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wonder what kind of candy the autistic guy began making after he won?

Superman didn't even read that contract. Does he think he can punch it into smithereens later if he just signed his life away?

Before Superman agrees to play, Mxy says some vague stuff about red energy in the other Superman and Preboot Superman's essence being blue energy. Great. Are we going to get a twenty year retooling of the reasoning behind red and blue electric Superman? That's nothing nobody has been not clamoring for. That may have been Bizarro speak, depending on what I meant and what it actually means. I probably shouldn't use so many negatives in one sentence. That sentence's glass was totally half empty, amirite?

In his prison, Jon meets two balls of red electricity that sound like Clark and Lois. Can't we just let New 52 Clark and Lois rest in peace? Do they have to somehow integrate with Preboot Clark and Lois? Is that something we really need? It's not like Golden Age Superman ever had to join with Silver Age Superman to make sense of the DC Universe. Although it made super sexy sense when they joined in my Goldver Age Superman Slash Fiction.

The game Mxy plays with Superman is just a double splash page of a board game with a giant Mxy over it screaming, "I win! I win!" That's terrible. Pete and Pat are skipping over the most interesting bit of this story! The fun part of a Mxy story is the game. It's the competition and the outwitting of the little imp. But in this issue, it's just Mxy yelling, "I win!" And then Superman and Lois looking deep into each other's eyes and saying, "Stay! Don't forget!" And then they win instead! So anticlimactic. This is the worst Mr. Mxyzptlk story ever.

But then, to be fair (even though I totally don't have to be!), Mxy isn't really in a game playing mood this time. He's just out to hurt Superman because Superman hurt his feelings. I guess it's going to work since Superman signed that stupid contract without reading it. It probably says that no matter what happens, Mxy gets to put six things of his choosing up Superman's asshole.

Jon gets the balls of red electricity to help him escape from prison. Once free, they take the shape of New 52 Superman and Lois. They're still covered in the red electricity. Let me guess: Dan Jurgens came up with the idea to bring back Red and Blue Electricity Superman, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I don't really mind if Preboot Superman was really just half of New 52 Superman or vice versa. I don't mind if they need to be merged to make Rebirth work. Just, please, let this story be the end of it and nobody ever again mention how Preboot Superman somehow doesn't fit into the Rebirth world. Let's just accept him as the real Superman who has always been Superman, the one who is friends with Batman, and just get on with our lousy, unsatisfying, comic book reading lives.

Superman #18

While Superman runs away crying and rending his garments, Lois and Jon look on bored.

The issue begins with these words which I'm too dumb to understand: "Time answers. Space questions. Matter questions. Energy answers." Why? Why do you think it works that way, Narrator? I can see how time answers because cause and effect only work through time. So it takes time to answer a question posed in a moment. I guess that moment is space and matter? Space and matter just sort of sit there not answering anything. I guess not answering means they're questioning. And then energy also answers because it takes effort to answer a query? Is that how it works? Or should I not be asking questions (being that I'm not space (although I am matter taking up space?))? Should I just nod along, take another hit of marijuana, and think, "Yeah! That fucking sounds right. Profound!"?

Well, this was just beginning to get sexy until Doctor Oz put a stop to the fun. Prude!

Tim Drake yells from his cage, "Someone got out!" Beside Tim Drake, in separate cages, are Doomsday, Prophecy, and probably Ambush Bug. Unless Ambush Bug is the one that got out? Oh man. I hope Ambush Bug is the one who got out!

Doctor Oz seems to know that he once lost a prisoner. And that prisoner has escaped to some blasted world with a broken obelisk (kind of like, say, a ruined statue that people should look on and despair?). Carved into the stone, over and over again, are pleas for Superman to save whoever scrawled the messages. Alongside the messages are images of Superman and Ma and Pa Kent and Clark Kent and the Daily Planet and the Superman logo. Who left these messages?! Probably Ambush Bug. He began his superhero career obsessed with Superman, remember?!

Back on Earth-Main-Earth, it's the Smiths' wedding anniversary! You know the Smiths! They used to be the Whites! Remember? And before the Whites, when they lived on a different Earth in the Preboot universe, they were the Kents! Come on, try to keep up!

While the family is busy opening gifts, Clark Kent stops by to drop off a gift of his own. Uh oh! Maybe I should finish the Mild Mannered story in Action Comics #974 before getting into this Superman Reborn story arc! Okay. I'm going to go do that first! Be right back!

Okay! I'm done with Action Comics #974. Basically all I needed to know was that Clark Kent has learned where Lois lives and that she's somehow betrayed him. For some reason, he thinks he and Lois are destined to be together. Since I left off with Clark Kent dropping off a photo album for the Smith anniversary, I realized reading Action Comics that the photo album probably fell through a DC Continuity wormhole from the Preboot Universe. Where else could Clark have gotten the idea that he belongs with Lois? The album is probably of Clark and Lois's Preboot wedding.

The album has pictures of Preboot Clark Kent's life. Unless it's Rebirth Clark Kent's life which looks just like Preboot Clark Kent's life! Whatever the case, Clark Kent disappears just like he disappeared going into his apartment in Metropolis. I thought Clark Kent's secret was going to be revealed in the Mild Mannered story but it wasn't. So now I have to wait until this four issue series concludes to find out who or what he is?! I'm sick of this guy!

After Clark disappears, the Smith family home goes up in flames. So does Jon! But they're not real flames. They're more like Langolier flames. They're erasing time and space that shouldn't exist. I know they'll figure out some way to stop the flames or else the Supersons comic book won't have an Issue #2.

The Smith farmhouse disappears and Jon goes along with it. Instead of being sad, Lois and Clark become angry. Because they know who's behind it which means they have an ass they can kick.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm surprised Pete and Pat didn't wipe out a whole bunch of animals along with the house and Jon. They could have introduced a cute little gerbil named Raquel and then BAM! Wiped from existence. HA HA HA! Take that, lovers of animals! Then they could have had a parrot land on Lois's shoulder and be all, "Love me! Love me!" Then BAM! Erased from reality! I bet that would have given Pete and Pat some serious boners. Jerks.

Superman #17

Solomon Grundy, right? It must be Solomon Grundy.

Based on the cover, this story is going to star Trixie Belden, right? The Mystery of Dead Man's Swamp! I hope her friend, Honey Wheeler, makes an appearance because she's a sexy whore who always winds up fucking the suspect (and Trixie too!). I think. I might be confusing the canon Trixie Belden stories with my Wank Fiction Trixie Belden stories.

Wank Fiction is a good title for my Young Adult series of books! Don't steal my idea! Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody but me will ever write a line of books marketed at young adults called Wank Fiction.

This issue begins with Jon's neighbor, Trixies Belden, stopping by to tell him about a mystery that needs solving. I wish these two character were older so I could anticipate some deep woods finger banging. But since they're just kids, I probably shouldn't have even mentioned finger banging because somebody is going to get the stupid idea that I'm interested in seeing these two kids play doctor. Don't be gross, you gross person who wants to feel self-righteous by misunderstanding what I wrote and calling me gross! I don't want to see two young kids getting sexy. Ew. I want to see two young adults getting sexy! Note the word "adult" in that sentence! See? Totally appropriate.

Maybe lead with "My grandfather is missing!" instead of "The cow got out of the pasture." I don't know. Just a thought. But who am I to judge, a person who wrote a sentence that included "kids" and "finger banging" (but not in the way that you're thinking after reading that, you criminal perv!)."

The kids hop on their bikes the way kids always do when they're off to solve a mystery or to save an alien from the government or to find a pirate's treasure or to save a number from the government or to save almost anything from the government. Why aren't kids all over America hopping on their bikes and figuring out a way to save America from the government? And by "government," I mean "Republican party who are so into being fellated by corporations that they've decided people employed by those corporations are greedy pieces of shit for wanting to be compensated fairly." Maybe I should buy stock in GT and Haro? Come on, kids! Get on your bikes and fight the power!

The neighbor, Kathy (not Trixie Belden like I first thought. Nor Nancy Drew like I second thought. Nor neither Tom or Dave Hardy like I third thought), explains that Bessie the Cow (Bessie?! That's the most unoriginal cow name in the entire world! It's so unoriginal that, I suppose, it becomes the de facto cow name. Anything else would cause comic book readers to lose their sense of disbelief in the story) would never go into Dead Man's Swamp. How does Kathy know what a cow would or wouldn't do? I'm fairly certain the only predictable thing a cow does is eat grass and shit. But then I'm not a farmer, so I apologize to all the farmers and ranchers out there actuallying me right now and telling me all about how cows have personality and how loving they are and how, duh!, they'd never go into a scary swamp!

Also, don't fucking actually me about the names of the Hardy Boys. Who really knows their first names?! At the most, you probably read Tom and Dave and thought, "Wait. Those can't be their actual names, right?!" Then you consulted Lord Google, found out their real names, and decided to throw your new facts into my face. Well, I don't give a shit about the Hardy Boys! They can go fuck each other in the shower at the YMCA for all I care! From now on, those fuckers are Tom and Dave Hardy!

Superboy was watching a scary movie before coming out to the scary swamp so he's likely to overreact and cut Kathy's grandfather in two with his heat vision when the old man comes lumbering out of the shadows. Oh! He's probably the monster that lurks in Dead Man's Swamp! Or maybe the monster lurking there is simply misogyny.

Eeep! The monster! It's the legendary Broccoli Brains! Of, um, New Jersey legend! Oh wait. This is New York. Never mind.

While running from Broccoli Brains (distant kin of Pumpkinhead), the kids run through that Incredibly Shrinking Fog that used to be a problem in the Sixties. After that, Pete and Pat decide to write to their strong suit again: hurting animals.

Fucking assholes. First you have Jon kill a cat and now you're having him brain a raccoon. You've now fucked with two of my three favorite animals. What's next? Is Jon going to finger bang a goat?

Yesterday, I went to pick up a grilled cheese at The Cup and Saucer around the corner. As I waited for my to go order at the bar, the server said, "I've been seeing your totem animal a lot lately around dusk." Usually I'm confused by statements like this. But I knew I was wearing my knitted raccoon-face tuque (with the ear flaps and hanging ties) so I knew exactly what she was talking about. It's also possible shed didn't even notice my tuque and just read my aura. I'm a total raccoon dude.

The kids rush to hide in an old house. Maybe the fog didn't shrink them. Maybe it just made the animals bigger. Or maybe it's all just part of The Mystery of Dead Man's Swamp! And hopefully, seeing as how this is a mystery, the house they just found is The House of Mystery. It would be nice to have it make a Rebirth appearance.

Jon does a couple of things that highlight his super strength and partial invulnerability but Kathy doesn't make the connection that maybe he's some kind of Superboy. Which is weird because she knows he can fire lasers out of his eyes. I guess in a world of superheroes, you take it in stride when somebody shows some kind of power. It's not like just having laser eyes makes you anything more than a poor man's Cyclops (who is already a Poor Man's superhero in general, being that he's a whiny douche).

The house starts to fall apart around them but they manage to get upstairs (which seems like a weird place to go when the house is collapsing) where they find Bessie screaming and dancing a jig before she belches up tons of milk. This is the worst Trixie Belden story I've ever read.

Jon and Kathy decide to hide in a well until the craziness passes. Eventually Bessie and Kathy's grandfather discover them. Kathy's grandfather tells them they were probably hallucinating on Swamp Gas. But at the end of the story, Kathy's grandfather stands creepily in a cornfield in much the same way Broccoli Brains stood! Who could he and Bessie actually be? I think he's Fiddler's Green back in the real world and Bessie is the cow that jumped over the moon and barfed out the Milky Way.

The Ranking!
No change! So, what monster lurks in Dead Man's Swamp? I don't know! This stupid comic book didn't answer the question! It just raised more questions about Kathy's grandfather and his dancing, bulimic cow! Hee hee! "Bulimic cow." That's a pun, right?!

Superman #16

Why is Superman so angry at his logo?

• Superman's plan from last issue worked perfectly and like a charm as well. It worked so well that he's now powerless and in the clutches of Prophecy. But since that was the plan...success! Way to go, Superman!

• Since Prophecy is full of the power of multiple Supermen and Super Rabbits, he is five hundred feet tall. Also his head is on fire. That means he's full of energy, probably. Also because he's so powerful and Superman has lost his powers, Prophecy decides to tell Superman why he's doing what he's doing. What harm can it do? At the very least, Prophecy is helping Superman to understand that some sort of crisis, probably infinite in scale, is coming to destroy the universe. Usually I'd ask grumpily, "How the fuck does he know?" But his name is Prophecy so that answers that.

• Prophecy needs the powers of all of the Supermen to save his dimension (I still don't know what number it is. Probably 48). After he accomplishes that, he may save the other universes too. But only if he has time. When Superman hears that, he's all, "When you believe you're going to be the savior of the universe, you're always destined to lose!" I think he learned that from Sun Tzu's dumber brother.

• Superman is tossed into a giant grave which the Supermen of the Multiverse are digging. But not Captain Carrot, even though rabbits are great diggers. He's just sitting there looking adorable.

That grave is big enough for a five hundred foot tall Superman, hint, hint!

• Superman took the only ship that can travel across the Multiverse (aside from the Eye of the Storm, I suppose) so Red Racer has to build another one at superspeed. This winds up killing him because of physics or something. It might have had something to do with his being gay as well.

• With the new ship, Justice League Incarnate can follow the beacon of the original Ultima Thule's music. They can travel to Prophecy's world and rescue the cute little rabbit.

• With the arrival of Justice League Incarnate, all of the supermen and superwomen and superrabbits get their powers back for some reason. Physics, again, I guess. Probably not homosexuality this time.

• Prophecy's hand is removed by the Supers because that's where he was storing their power. Then he teleports away while claiming he's all that stands in the way of oblivion. Or Oblivion with a capital O, I suppose. Maybe he meant Obsidian. He's gay!

• And that's the end! Everybody lives...FOR NOW!

The Ranking!
No change! That ending was anticlimactic in the extreme. It was so extremely anticlimactic that it was sort of climactic! Because I was totally expecting a bigger, more thrilling fight! I was expecting a plan to come together! I was expecting something other than "Hey! Hey! We got our powers back now everybody punch Prophecy at the same time! Winners!" But instead I got something disappointing which was a total twist which means it was a surprise which means it was climactic, right? No? Anyway, Prophecy has found himself with Tim Drake, a prisoner of Doctor Oz(y(man(hattan)dias)). Apparently the biggest secret of the DC Universe is that no character has ever died ever in the DC Universe's existence. They're all just locked away in some afterlife zoo.

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Superman #14

Prologue to some kind of crisis of infinite proportions.

• DC Comics has no idea what they want their comic book universe to look like. Infinite Earths? Way too fucking confusing! How about just one? You know what? That kind of hampers Flash so let's give the universe some alternate Earths but not too many. Also, maybe we can call them different timelines which are totally different than alternate dimensions. But altering the structure of the universe alters the history of the characters and even tough we totally embraced having a world where both Wonder Girl and Wonder Woman coexist even if they were originally the same character at different ages, we'd better restructure everybody's pasts with some kind of zero hour re-origining. Oh, you know what? Dan Jurgens still thinks Booster Gold should be super important so lets do something with him and Rip Hunter to make the universe more interesting. Although more interesting also means more confusing so maybe we can fix some stuff by having Superboy punch the fuck out of all of it? There! Perfect! Except, you know what? Maybe we should just scrap it all and start over! We'll hire all of the shittiest writers from Marvel and tell them just one world with no alternate timelines and no time travel! Boom! Totally fixed. Hey. What the fuck are Lobdell and DeFalco doing? We said no time travel, you idiots! Oh? The time travelers are from a different future timeline where they can time travel? Makes sense! Go for it! I mean, Ann Nocenti is making Oliver Queen soliloquize on a rooftop so do we really give a fuck anymore? You know what! We do! We've heard a few vague whispers that maybe some people might possibly miss Wally West and the legacy heroes! Let's bring them back and restart starting over! We'll blame The New 52 on the Watchmen (read: fans) and be all, "Rebirth, bitches! This is the universe we wanted to write about but you all demanded something that sucked!" I imagine this whole Multiplicity thing is going to throw a few wrenches into the already broken machinery of the DC Universe.

• This issue begins with Clark Smith almost running over Russian Superman. Does this have something to do with Trump's presidency?

• The Russian Superman warns Preboot Superman that some guy named Prophecy is collecting Superman the way nerds collect Magic the Gathering cards. I only use that simile so that maybe I can work in how unpleasant Magic the Gathering players are. They totally are!

• To be fair, I should tell this story! An ex-girlfriend of mine (before she was an ex) and I were at the laundromat one day opening up some Magic the Gathering packs. The Dark had been out for quite a while but Fallen Empires had yet to be published. We were pretty new to the game. Some college kid (I say kid but he was about our age (I guess we were kids then too!)) noticed us and I saw him take off. We were near the Santa Clara University dorms and he probably rushed back to his room to get his cards. He came back and engaged us on the hobby. He saw our enthusiasm for this new game and was just as excited to talk to us about it. While checking out our cards, he gave us both a Maze of Ith from The Dark set. So, you know, not all Magic the Gathering players are selfish, unsanitary wastes of space. That Maze of Ith he gave me was the only one I ever owned, even after buying enough Dark pacts and making trades to finish the set.

• I don't like to offer evidence that disproves my broad brush statements! I'd rather just say terrible things and have people think, "What a fucking dick!" It's just more fun to write stuff like that! And if I don't care what my mother and father think of me, why the fuck would I care what some Internet nobody thinks of me?!

• Russian Superman escaped from Prophecy with some information! Not about who peed on what but about Prophecy's search for his next Magic Card: Kenan Kong! Oh no! Not New Super-man! He's my favorite! Asterisk!

• *: Kenan Kong is my favorite Chinese Superman and not my favorite comic book character. My favorite comic book character is Skywise.

• Prophecy collects his Supermen through the use of creatures he calls Gatherers. Like Magic the Gatherers!

You can tell they're from another dimension because they spell list with a y.

• Russian Superman came through the dimensional barrier speaking Russian. The Gatherers come through speaking English. Convenient!

• I bet they actually speak "Englysh."

• The Gatherers helpfully explain what Prophecy does with the people on the lyst. He processes them! He consumes them! He adds them to his deck! But Superman is all, "I have a punch and a hilarious battle retort for this whole lyst thing! Ready?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it?!

• The Gatherers don't seem confused by the mention of Santa Claus. I guess they know him!

• The Gatherers mention that Communist Superman is from Earth 30. So at least Rebirth is sticking to the Multiversity Guidebook. It's nice to know that the people in charge don't always throw out every good idea they have.

• Preboot Superman and Red Superman defeat the Gatherers just before the Multiversity House of Heroes appear. They have Red Racer from Earth 36 and Thunderer from Earth 7 and Obama Superman from Earth 23 and Lady Aquaman from Earth 11 and Mary Marvel from Earth 5 and Mecha-Armor Batman from Earth 16 and Abin Sur Green Lantern from Earth 20 and some Deathstork looking motherfucker from Earth I Don't Know. I'm happy to see Multiversity being picked up and used in Rebirth!

• President Superman explains that his team is called Justice League Incarnate. They protect the Multiverse from bad guys like the Anti-Monitor and The Gentry and Magic the Gathering players!

Boom! Nailed them all from the double splash page. Except Machinehead who is from the Marvel Universe Parody world of Earth 8.

• Kenan Kong is captured before the Justice League Incarnate can save him. But Preboot Superman manages to gather a Gatherer! They'll probably vivisect it to find the way to Prophecy's home universe.

• Elsewhere, Prophecy is busy constructing his deck. The next card he chooses is Captain Carrot whose power is consumed by Prophecy and Captain Carrot turns into a fuzzy little bunny who can't write comics at all. Probably. Also captured by Prophecy: Kenan Kong of Earth 0; Bizarro Superman of Earth 29; Vampire Superman of Earth 43; Prez Rickard's Pal, Superman of Earth 47; Super-Soldier of Earth 32; O.G. Superman of Earth 2; Lady Superman of Earth 11; Super Fascist of Earth 50; Pirate Superman of Earth 31; Golden Age Superman's super great grandchild of Earth 38; Super-branded Superman of Earth 45; Kingdom Come Superman of Earth 22; and Superman of the Earth One Prestige Format books. That's a lot of Supermen! Oh, and just for information's sake, Captain Carrot is from Earth 26!

• There will be a quiz.

The Ranking!
+1! Yay! I fucking love the Multiverse! DC made the biggest mistake of their lives with Crisis on Infinite Earths, even though it was the most exciting thing ever to be done at the time. The only fault with it is that the superheroes didn't exactly win since they only saved one Earth out of infinity. It was a much better idea (only thought of decades later) to have them save a few more than that.

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Superman #12

The Frankensteins are coming for dinner!

The first thing I noticed is that Lois rides a boy's bike. I get that girl's bikes were designed for skirts but we all realized as boys, fairly early on, that girl's bikes would have been preferable for boys as well. It just takes one accident where you rack yourself on the frame to realize you wished you had had the balls to buy a girl's bike before you lost them on the boy's bike. Of course, now that there isn't any stigma against a woman riding a bike like a man (meaning riding a bike like a normal person would ride a fucking bike if it weren't for social conventions created by horrible and uptight people), it's no big deal. But I still noticed it! Lois is such a man!

Even though Lois has accepted the job at the Daily Planet pretending to be Lois Lane, Lois Smith still needs a job of her own. So she's going to be working for the Hamilton Horn, Hamilton County's local paper. And she gets her first big story during the interview as Frankenstein crashes through the wall.

Frankenstein thinks the editor in chief is somebody named Outcast. He also mentions SHADE which is usually when I begin suggesting possibly reverse acronyms for it. Super Humans Against Dowdy Editors?

Lois Lane keeps one of Batman's Hellbat gloves in her backpack. I would say she stole it but if Batman has yet to reclaim it, the only reasonable assumption is that he doesn't mind Lois having it. She uses it to put down Frankenstein so she can help the editor escape. The editor must be evil because why else would Frank target her? Other than the fact she's an editor. I mean, that alone is reason enough to destroy her and send her to Hell.

I might have an irrational hatred and bias toward editors. Although maybe it's not irrational. You would probably hate people who constantly "tsk-tsked" your manuscripts as well. What do editors know about art anyway?! They look at the Chicago Manual of Style as the Mona Lisa of grammar. More like a gigantic snoozefest of boring rules and impossible to follow regulations!

Lois and Candice, the editor (can you read the word "editor" as if it's in some kind of gross, dripping font every time you see me write it? Thanks!), escape in Frank's hovercycle he brought to the scene of his attempted justicing. See that last sentence? That's pretty good, right?! Totally conveys the point I'm trying to make. But an editor (dripping font, remember!) would be all, "Justicing is not a word. Change it. It should make sense." But it does make sense! Everybody can sense the fuck out of it! Except stupid editors.

Frankenstein hops on the vehicle as Lois uses it to escape. But then Superman appears because the title of this comic book is "Superman" and not "The Adventures of Superman's Wife, Lois Smith".

Last issue, Superman fought Swamp Thing. Now he's fighting Frankenstein. Let me guess: next story, he's going to beat the shit out of Kermit the Frog!

Frank shoots Superman in the face with his magic pistol and then crushes Superman under a tractor. Then he walks away as if that's all it takes to defeat Superman. I don't think Frankenstein has been doing his SHADE homework again. Stupid Homework Always Drags Endlessly?

Guns don't kill Frankenstiens. Mobs with pitchforks and torches kill Frankensteins.

Superman returns to punch Frank in the face again but not before Frank uses his Remote Control to call back his hover vehicle. It returns with Lois still at the helm and smashes into the back of Superman's head. Hopefully it's made of technology and not magic or else Superman might have a super-concussion.

Frankenstein cuts off Candice's face revealing she's a Manhunter. Or a robot or something. You know, like I said, she's a fucking editor. They all deserve to get their faces cut off!

Candice turns out to be Kroog, some kind of alien murderer. Now Superman needs to figure out if he should stop Frankenstein or not. And Lois will have to figure out what the Frankensteins eat when she cooks them supper at the end of the next issue, after the Bride of Frankenstein arrives. I know she was on the cover of this issue but she didn't quite make it before the first part ended.

The Ranking!
+1! Come on! Frankenstein has come back! That alone is worth the cover price. But also, the editor was revealed to be a hidden monster! And guess who edits this book? Eddie Berganza! Coincidence? I think not!

Superman Annual #1

They're fighting over who loves the sun more.

Tumblr, I would appreciate it if you would stop filling my dashboard with advertisements for fetish sites.

No thanks!


Super no thanks!


Enough with the avocados already! I don't even like to eat them!

This issue begins with Clark checking the cabbages on his farm. But he's not wearing his glasses, so how is he going to see it clearly? Also he isn't wearing overalls and from everything I know about farmers is that they wear overalls. Unless they also wear flannel shirts. But if they're wearing flannel shirts and playing a bass guitar, they are probably not farmers but slackers from Seattle. Judging from the cover, it looks like Clark is going to either ask Swamp Thing for help and it will all go wrong, or Clark is going to use some kind of Monsanto seeds and face the harsh judgment of the alt-left. I mean Swamp Thing!

I'm not a farmer but I think Clark's problem might be trying to grow his cabbages directly under the elm in the backyard.

My guess is that the fields are super dry because growing Black Mercies takes a lot out Earth earth.

Clark decides to investigate the problem with his farm as Superman. Obviously there must be something strange going on if Superman can't grow a few cabbages. No way he's just an idiot when it comes to farming, right? He tears off his shirt and flies into the sky.

Has there ever been a story in the 60s or 70s where a tailor in Metropolis figured out Superman's secret identity simply because Clark kept bringing in all of his shirts to get the buttons sewn back on?

Superman manages to find Swamp Thing draining all of the water around the Smith Farm. Swamp Thing's first words to Preboot Superman are, "You don't belong here anymore!" Oh. I don't want to see these two fighting! They're one of my favorite ships!

OMG! So cute!

Swamp Thing has felt something wrong with The Green surrounding Preboot Superman's existence on Earth New Earth. Don't worry, Swampy. We all feel it! I keep hoping every Superman story arc I read is going to fix it. But then I also hope that each Superman story arc I read doesn't fix it because DC Comics has a tendency of fixing things in a way that just makes them more broken. I really think it's time they stop trying to tie up all the weird continuity ends and just say, "Fuck it!" I think that's a reasonable way to approach most of life's problems.

Although keeping the DC Universe in this state has one upside: it makes Preboot Superman one of my favorite characters. I love that he can reference all of the stories of DC's past that nobody else knows anything about. Except maybe Wally West. But I don't like Wally West for no particular reason at all.

See?! They're going to fight over who's a bigger fan of the sun! Like a couple of asshat Harry Potter fans on Tumblr!

Superman touches Swamp Thing, leaving a big blue hand-print on him. And then Swamp Thing begins to speak in Klingon. I mean Kryptonian. He says, "I'm Superman. And I can do almost anything. Except of course raise the dead." So he's not Jesus Christ. Big deal! He's better than Jesus. Bigger! More popular!

Swamp Thing continues: "I'm here to say goodbye, Clark. I know you are not coming back. You and your family are not what you believe you are." I hope Superman is lying to Clark right now because I don't want Preboot Superman to not be Preboot Superman. See what's happening? DC Comics is trying to fix shit and only making it worse! Because usually they're fixing the thing that they used to fix the last thing that was broken but meant to fix the previous thing that was broken which was the thing they used to fix a previous thing that was broken. And, of course, used to fix another thing. All the way back to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Every fucking time DC changes their universe, it's just another domino due to the 1985 Crisis.

More from Swamp Thing as he and Superman battle: "You may not be here in body but I know you are in apirit...". I think he probably meant spirit there. Superman does mention that Swamp Thing's accent and dialect make it so he can barely understand him. It does seem weird that the most obvious Kryptonian letter is the S because it matches Superman's symbol for hope. And yet that's the letter the letterer typos? I think it's a clue!

Superman drives Holland deep into the Earth so that Swamp Thing can take root and cleanse himself of the virus Superman gave him by touching him. It works and Swamp Thing stops spouting Kryptonian. That's too bad. I wanted to hear more!

After Swamp Thing is better, he decides to help Superman cleanse himself too. To do that, he wants to fuse with Superman. YES PLEASE!

Instead of relenting and eating one of Swamp Thing's Fuck Fruits, Superman decides punching is the better solution. I suppose Swamp Thing should get consent but since I want to see them fuck and I know they're fictional characters, I don't really mind that Swamp Thing is being so aggressive. Plus his "fusion" isn't really about fucking. But it still sounds intimate enough that he should stop and explain things to Superman instead of playing the "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! WE MUST WASTE TIME FIGHTING NOW!" card.

Apparently Swamp Thing did have an actual timetable for fusion and it might have to do with the setting sun. Because after fighting a bit, Swamp Thing points out that they can't even fuse now. So instead, he eats Superman. I'm starting to see why my Tumblr Dashboard is full of advertisements thinking that I want to have sex with fruits. I'm still a bit confused about the baby with the codpiece.

Apparently Preboot Superman is drawing in too much solar energy around him. So that's why his cabbages keep dying! Of course it isn't because he sucks at farming! That would have been preposterous! What is also preposterous is the spelling of preposterous.

Swamp Thing finally gets permission from Swamp Thing to do the fusion thing. Although is it really consent if you've already eaten the person?

Swamp Thing says Superman has to forget the past to remain on Earth New Earth. See that? Fuck you, DC! You can't tell me to forget that this is Preboot Superman just because Swamp Thing tells him to forget that he's Preboot Superman! You can suck my dick, DC Comics! Just stop trying to fix everything already! This isn't going to make Superman fit better. Everybody else still knows he's a different Superman. I suppose if all of the editors tell all of the writers to just treat this Superman as the New 52 Superman, it gets rid of some of the stupid shit you pulled trying to fix New 52 Superman. But really you've just broken everything a little bit more. What will be your next fix that breaks things more by fixing one tiny thing? Idiots.

The Review!
Look, I hate the idea that this Superman somehow needs to be fixed by incorporating him into the New 52 world better. And that's where my vitriol comes from. But I actually liked this story by Tomasi and Gleason. Besides, they didn't go to the extreme that Swamp Thing erased Superman's memories. Swamp Thing just put the emphasis on Superman to look toward the future and simply accept Earth New Earth as if it were Preboot Earth One. That kind of works for me since I already think of it that way. And I think of it as Pre-Zero Hour Earth and Post Crisis Earth and Pre-Crisis Earth too. All the stories in my head, the ones I grew up reading, are what make the DC Universe, not what DC tells me about their Universe. They hardly ever know what they're doing anyway when it comes to editorial control. It's best just to love the stories by the writers you love and believe the characters have been built upon those stories alone.

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Superman #10

Now kiss! Not the kids, you whacko perv!

The Review!
I really need to just read a bunch of comic books and then write quick reviews on each so I can catch up. But how can I not express how my heart grew three sizes this day when I turned to the second page to see that the person Jon Smith bumped into at school is Maya Nobody?! This is almost the same feeling I get when I watch Degrassi Junior High!

It turns out Maya was sent to spy on Superboy by the control freak's son, Control Freak Junior. But Jon almost burns down a forest and Maya steps in and...well, they wind up in the Batcave so that Robin can express to Jon what I've been expressing to Tomasi and Gleason for months now.

You tell him, Damian! I mean, it's not really his fault. It's the fault of the writers, Monstrous Tomasi and Grotesque Gleason!

So the stuff that I usually talk about happens like Maya laughing at Jon's joke at Robin's expense and Alfred praising Jon for being so much more civil than the Robins he's known. Then I would usually have some terribly opinionated opinions about things and insult a good three percent of my readers. Then they probably never read another review I write which is okay because the terribly opinionated opinions I said would have made somebody with a keener sense of humor laugh and they would make up for my loss in readership. But for now, I just have to get by with a few quick words and a few scans. I'm over sixty comics behind and I just want to catch up to the weekly books!

Finally! My favorites! The Bat-Pets!

Robin's grin after that Goldie remark is only bested by the following page where Superboy wipes it off his face by punching him in the stomach. Like fathers, like sons, I suppose.

The kids get in a brawl and only stop when Superman and Batman glare mightily at them. I think I'm going to like these kids. I definitely like Jon a whole lot more than when I first pretended I hated him because kid characters are usually annoying. But I've liked Damian since he first appeared. It wasn't hard to choose Damian as my favorite Robin when the other choices are boring Tim Drake, fangasm Jason Todd, and run-of-the-mill Dick Grayson. I mean, I like Dick now! (You are not allowed to use that out of context!) But he was crap for a long time. And Jason Todd isn't the poor little poor boy hunka-hunka manbeef Jason Todd fans have deluded them into thinking he is. He's just an ass, and as of the last few years, a poorly written ass. But Damian is a firecracker! He's decapitated more people than all of the other Robins put together!

+1 Ranking.

Superman #9

Titano lives on Dinosaur Island? Now I'm interested!

My biggest question about a Donald Trump presidency is this: how are foreign leaders going to keep from laughing in his face, rolling their eyes, and pointing at him while looking at their assistants and saying, "Seriously? This guy?" Of course they'll probably say "Seriously? This guy?" in a different language! I mean, he'll probably get along with Theresa May. But I can't see any other foreign leaders taking him seriously! Although I don't really know any other foreign leaders being that I have the attention span and interests of a typical American. I have a vague suspicion that there must be other leaders of other countries but I can't be bothered to look into the matter. And now that Donald Trump is going to be our president, I'm too embarrassed to even Google any other leaders. As soon as I see their faces, I will simply imagine how disappointed they are in my country and I'll feel really embarrassed.

Thankfully I read comic books to help me forget about all of the terrible actions that a Republican controlled government will take to ruin the economy and social welfare of the people! Although I'm not sure a comic book about an island where dinosaurs run loose devouring anybody who can't defend themselves will be much of a help in that regard.

Superman and Superboy have discovered the home of The Losers on Dinosaur Island. Most of The Losers are dead (including Pooch as Pet Killers Tomasi and Gleason gleefully pointed out last issue). But one still lives! A one-eyed, one-legged maniac who shoots first and second and probably third and almost certainly doesn't ask questions because corpses can't talk. Although he'll have to come up with some questions this time because he's shooting first at Superman. I don't know which Loser this guy is because I don't know The Losers at all. Why would I read a comic book about losers?! I pointed out earlier that I read comic books to help me forget about my life!

The man's name is Captain Storm and he's probably going to tell a story about The Losers. If he does, it had better have Superman in it because I bought a comic book about Superman. I'll feel ripped off if the comic book is about Superman listening to a story about the actual stars of the comic book. I might even think poorly of DC Comics for about ten seconds.

Captain Storm's story doesn't take too long to tell. That's a relief! Although, to be completely transparent, I already thought the bad thoughts about DC Comics! Storm simply points out that The Loser were all killed. Although they also thought he was dead and had a grave for him already set up. So maybe they're all still alive somewhere on the island! Even if they just buried a skeleton that had been wearing Johnny Cloud's dog tags! Maybe even Pooch! Although Goldie is still dead. Assholes.

Captain Storm has a trained pterodactyl. I can already imagine Gleason and Tomasi chomping at the bit to kill it!

Captain Storm says he knows where Superman's Plot Device is. Superman needs the Plot Device to get him and Jon back to reality. In this case, reality is not a world where dinosaurs and World War II fighting men share an island. Reality is wear grown men dress up in tights, wear masks, and assume stupid monikers.

Superman discovers that the creature guarding the Plot Device is a gigantic white ape with a cybernetic eye like the one Cave Carson has. I mean, like the one the giant squid that attacked them in Issue #2 had! It probably ties in to the Watchmen, right? Creatures watching the world? It sounds like something Ozymandias would come up with.

I hope when the Watchmen do turn up (you know, after Didio and Johns can come up with an interesting and believable story about why they fucked up the DC Universe and how it is absolutely the fault of the DC readership), Rorschach is back to life. He and the Comedian were the only interesting ones and they were both killed! But the Comedian was a rapist so he can't come back to life. But what did Rorschach ever do to deserve death except stand by his ideals! Bring back Rorschach! Bring back Rorschach! Down with Trump! Down with...whoops! My chanting got out of control!

An upsetting number of pages are used for a fight with dinosaurs and monsters. I'm sure they don't upset most people because it's a comic book! What do I expect? Intellectual literature and high-minded philosophy?! Well, yeah! Didn't DC fill their quota on boring monster fights with that Monster Men story? It's possible I've outgrown comic books. It's also possible it took me twenty five years too many to come to that realization.

Superman and Jon recover the Plot Device and Superman also takes Titano's eye before the Plot Device kicks in and begins returning them to the real world. Captain Storm decides to stay behind because he knows the world has changed too much for an old soldier like him. He's much wiser than Steve Rogers! Not that Steve Rogers had a choice about joining the modern world, I guess.

After transporting back to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman discovers that the gorilla's eye and Captain Storm's wooden leg he was hanging onto have disappeared. He doesn't know where they've gone but the reader sort of gets to know! Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) filched them! And he's standing in his out-of-continuity lair staring at his next creation: the New York Alien Monster Octopus Times One Million! Is he going to crash it into Earth-New-Earth so that all of the universes in the multiverse put aside their differences to face a common enemy?! Probably not. He's probably just going to give it the mind of Doomsday, strap Tim Drake to its back, and send it to Earth-New-Earth simply to cause death and destruction.

The Ranking!
0! I'm beginning to wish that this issue had been a story about The Losers! Stupid DC! Give me what I don't know I want even when I think I want the opposite of what I want and you give me what I thought I wanted! Jerks!

Superman #8

The last time Dinosaur Island appeared in a comic, Superboy and Wonder Girl had a huge fuckfight on it.

The Commentary!
• Supergirl must have given Superman permission to use her Fortress of Solitude because Superman, Superboy, and Krypto are hanging out there building a plot device. Jon saw the specifications for the plot device in a dream (which is just another plot device to get characters to the plot device that will get the characters to Dinosaur Island!) which probably means somebody radioed the designs directly into his head. Somebody who needs Superman to visit Dinosaur Island!

• The plot device works its magic and suddenly father, son, and dog are on Dinosaur Island. But at first, they think maybe it's just Crashed Battleship Island!

• It's probably too many years past Lost to get a Lost joke, right? Although if Dan Jurgens were writing this, I bet there'd be a Love Boat joke!

• Superman is swallowed by a dinosaur fish as soon as they arrive. Not that dinosaurs can be fish. I know my science and prehistoric cartoons! I was just being descriptive!

• Superman proves he's Superman by finding a way out of the fish without punching his way out of its stomach. That's Superman! He even takes into account the life of a big dumb prehistoric fish when nobody would have blamed him for turning it into sashimi. That's how he should react to every situation. Take a moment, weigh his options, and figure out a peaceful solution. Unless, of course, the fish had been full of Kryptonite. That's the only time Superman should panic! I mean, it doesn't have to be a fish full of Kryptonite to be the only time Superman should panic. It just has to be a situation that involves Kryptonite.

• Along with battleships, tanks, and Japanese fighter jets, Superman and Superboy discover some dinosaur birds! They're probably Pterosomething-or-others. I probably could have named dozens of dinosaurs when I was eight years old. Now that I'm 45, all the dinosaurs I could name have probably been tossed in the trash heap of dinosaur history.

Krypto is eaten for the second time this series! And Jon's second pet to be snatched by a big bird!

• Jon makes mention of Krypto's penchant for getting eaten. Jon doesn't seem to realize that this situation was a lot like the situation where he killed Goldie! Why doesn't anybody remember Goldie?!

• Besides dinosaurs and weapons of war, Superman and his son find a bunch of corpses of The Losers scattered about the island. They also find a message on a cave wall written to Flag warning him of something--a spirit--even larger than the dinosaurs on the island. So I guess Superman will be dealing with that next issue.

The Ranking!
0! Like most stories that take place on Dinosaur Island, it was rather tepid. It's almost as if the idea of dinosaurs is supposed to be enough to keep a reader interested. "Holy shit! Dinosaurs?! In modern times?! CRAZY!" Instead it's more like, "I didn't even give a shit about Jurassic Park."

Oh, and just so everybody knows the score, Pet Murderers Peter and Patrick make sure that everybody knows Pooch, The Loser's dog, fucking ate it too!

Superman #7

I don't think the Smiths raise cattle so what the fuck is up with the barbed wire?

The Review!
I wasn't going to do any running commentary while reading this comic book (that's why it says "The Review!" up there and not "The Commentary!") but since I already mentioned the barbed wire on the cover, I thought I should point out, to myself, that the Smiths' neighbors have cattle. So I guess they put up the barbed wire and Jon probably defaced it because he's a little asshole. Also, the Smiths live in Hamilton County. So the Location Box in Justice League should have said "Smith Farm, Hamilton County." I suppose Hamilton County and Metropolis can still be the same place. It's not like DC Comics has a good grip on where Metropolis is anyway. Besides, they're the company that couldn't remember that the Arctic and the Antarctic were two different places. I guess nobody ever said you needed a geography degree to write comic books.

Maybe I'll just go back to bullet points for these comics that I want to read quickly but still might have stupid comments to make.

• Kathy, Jon's neighbor, thinks Jon is totally adorable in his new glasses. Mostly she's flirting with him because he's the only other kid she knows. Her first kiss has got to come from somewhere and it's either Jon or one of the cows.

• Some ugly guys are standing around outside the entrance to the fair so of course they're going to rob it. It's not like society expects better of ugly people. Sure, we all just wish they'd stay inside and stop bumming us all out but that would be unkind. It's much more kind to look at them and interact with them without showing that you're holding in your vomit. But just because we pretend they don't make us sick, it doesn't mean we have to give them jobs! So what else can they do except engage in petty crime? It's probably for the best. If they're in jail, nobody else has to look at them and think, "Oh god. I'm so glad I'm attractive!"

• No, I am not typing this from inside a prison cell! How dare you!

• The Smiths are having a nice day at the fair and Clark has promised Lois that tonight he wouldn't be Superman at all. Not even a smidgen! I mean, not at the fair! He'll definitely be Superman when they get home, if you get my meaning! I mean he's going to bang her good!

• Lois decides to ask about any jobs at the Hamilton Horn since there's a woman passing out Hamilton Horn papers at the fair for some reason. I probably shouldn't think about it too hard or I'll expose the delicate framework of contrivance needed to get certain plot points out of the way in the quickest manner. Lois needs a job at a paper and this is a good time to get that started! Plus it separates her from Clark and Jon so they can do some superheroing behind her back.

• Clark manages to restrain himself but he uses his powers to listen in on the ugly people's plan. Now he knows they'll be robbing the box office when the fireworks start so he can feign an attack of diarrhea and rush off to stop the crime without Lois being upset that he Supermanned without her permission.

Pshaw! That ribbon isn't blue!

• Clark meets the town pediatrician whom he'll never let near his son. That's probably going to be an awkward conversation. I suppose Clark can fall back on stupid religious beliefs as to why he doesn't give a shit about his kid's health.

• And then it's time for the fireworks!

Ha! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Clark makes it back in time to ride the coaster with his wife and son but his diarrhea cover is blown when the kids running the ride leave the microphone on as they talk about the guy with heat vision who stopped the ticket booth robbery. Lois acts like she's mad but I'm sure her labia majora are fully swollen. Unless Labia Majora is a character from Final Fantasy. I'm not that good with women's anatomy!

The Ranking!
+3! Now this was a Superman story! Hooboy, this is how a Superman story should be written! Save the big end of the world bullshit for Justice League. Make Superman about how he lies to Lois and his son so that he can fight crime without being scolded or whined at! Plus this is simply how you do a Superman story. You don't need an opponent who punches hard enough for Superman to say "Hey! I felt that!" You just need a B Story that interferes with Superman's ability to bring the A Story to an easy conclusion! This is fucking textbook, man! And it's far better than Superman pummeling a space beast for ten out of the twenty pages where he wins out in the end by thinking, "I just have to believe I can!" Then his punches get better and he wins! Fuck that shit. I like stories where Superman can easily defeat the antagonist because, you know, he's FUCKING SUPERMAN! So the actual conflict needs to come from another source. I suppose occasionally he can fight a Doomsday or something. But even then, make him use his fucking head more often than simply beating the shit out of the thing. Fucking loved this story! Bees knees! Triple Plus Good!

But I haven't forgotten that Peter J. Tomasi and Patick Gleason are fucking cat murderers. Bastards.

Superman #6

At least Eradicator isn't wearing an obviously unneeded belt.

The Facts!
• Last night I dreamed about the URL tiegue.tumblr.com. Unfortunately, it's just a tumblr page which exists without posts. Stupid dream head. Why couldn't you dream up an interesting tumblr?! Idiot.

• I often read in my dreams (not long texts! Just bits and pieces. Like URLs or signs or tumblr responses to putting tiegue in the search followers box to see if they follow me on tumblr) and occasionally I'll write as well. But while I often wake up remembering thoughts I've had which fuel later writing, I can never remember anything I physically write in a dream. Except for once! One time I woke myself up as I read what I had written and jotted it down before it could flee my mind. It was this: "Still the water continued to boil and churn, so much that even if a million hives of bees had been sunk there, it would not have been enough."

• This issue begins with Superman realizing that this is Issue #6 and that the story needs to end quickly so that it will fit neatly into the usual sized trade paperback. Up until now, he had no incentive to end the battle. I suppose trying to keep his family alive could be incentive but, I mean, is it really? Really?

Eradicator sounds like every Sea Lion on Twitter. "Why are you so angry, Superman? I'm just asking questions! Why don't you just answer my totally harmless questions that are simply based on mere curiosity and not on an agenda at all?!"

• I think it took me six issues to realize that The Eradicator is a racist! Previously, I was just all, "Oh yeah! He's just super proud of being Kryptonian! Nothing wrong with that! That's a totally normal and patriotic thing to do when you can't find any real reasons to love yourself or others!" And now I'm all, "Did he just use the term 'half-breed'? Why would he...oh. I see what Kryptonian Pride actually stands for!"

• Some of you might be thinking, "How the fuck did you not realize he was a racist, Tess?! He's called The Eradicator! He's been trying to stomp out Jon's human side since the beginning! He's violently Pro-Kryptonian!" To you I'd respond, "Are you familiar with my blog?! I lie about shit to say other shit all of the time! Obviously I knew he was racist! And to prove I totally knew, I'm going to go back and change my previous commentaries to make sure I've said it previously!"

• I hope I actually did mention it previously so that now those mentions themselves are totally suspect!

• Clarity is not something I care about. Obfuscation is fun! I put the fu...n in obfuscation!

• In his zeal to defend his family, Superman destroys the moon. I mean, technically it's still there. But now it has a big hole straight through it and a large chunk has collapsed in on itself thanks to Batman's lunar excavations. On the plus side, Eclipso's property values probably just went way down.

• Superman's plan to defeat Eradicator involves a term I assume I'm just now coining: Kryptokake.

• I wish I had coined the phrase "to coin a phrase."

• Superman left Krypto behind in The Eradicator to help defeat The Eradicator. It seems weird that a purity freak like The Eradicator would think of a Kryptonian Dog as just another Kryptonian soul. I guess even disgusting racist dickholes love dogs. I mean, I don't love dogs! Mostly because they're usually hanging around dog owners.

• Superman and Krypto kill The Eradicator. I think The Eradicator was probably mostly robot or something, right? One of those World Killers? And I suppose Superman thinks it's okay to destroy a sentient robot even if you don't think of yourself as a killer. It's easy enough to rationalize that The Eradicator's sentience was just programming. Plus it's hard to tell a story about a monster who can't be stopped if the hero isn't allowed to kill it at the end. Therefore, comic books find it acceptable to kill certain sentient beings: robots, weird aliens who don't speak English, those returned from the dead with a chip on their shoulder, Doomsday (who, I think, falls into the weird aliens who don't speak English category).

• The people of Earth look up to see a mushroom cloud on the moon. I would be so pissed if I missed seeing that!

• I took a break to go to the store and had the most emotional interaction I'll probably have with another human being all month. I was looking at the flavors of canned cat food when an old man walked up and said, "Gotta find something that damn cat will eat." I loaded some food in my basket and said, as I walked away, "Picky bastards!"

Ugh! Just like a Twitter Sea Lion! You think you've put it down and crushed it with logic and it continues to bray incoherently!

• You know, there's a huge part of me that wishes I were doing a subtle parody comic book review site for the Manosphere.

• Superman takes The Eradicator's cape and ties it around Krypto's neck. Then he puts a bandanna around his neck and renames him Harley Tats. Then I throw up.

• After nearly destroying the moon and risking major flooding around the globe in the process (that's my hot take on Superman actually being responsible and taking The Eradicator fight to the moon!), Superman fixes up the Moon Landing Stage Decorations and poses for a photo op. Now the world knows the new Superman is just as good as the old Superman (if not like five million times better because this Superman hasn't been written by Scott Lobdell!).

• Now that Krypto is back, how are Pet Murdering Bastards Pat and Pete going to bring back Goldie?! I won't forgive them until they figure it out! Jerks!

• Now that the battle is over, here's some cute stuff that I will also ruin with a hot take!

Someday in the future, Jon is going to have memories of wrestling with his nearly naked mom and it will cause...feelings.

• Superman decides it's time to finally introduce Jon to the Justice League. I wonder how long it'll be before Jon and Damian are experimenting with Power Showers?

• Batman discovers it's going to cost him ten billion dollars to fix his Lunar Batcave. Ha ha!

Come on, Batman! Cheer up! This is a Superboy we can all get behind! As opposed to that piece of shit New 52 Superboy who did nothing but ruin every single comic book he guest starred in (which was, like, all of them, I think).

The Opinions!
Is this the best Superman since The New 52 began or the greatest Superman since The New 52 began? If you think I should have thrown in a negative choice, get the fuck out of here! Your opinions are shit! If you're one of those people who defends their opinions by pointing out that all opinions are equal, you do realize that identifies you as a person with shitty opinions, right? Obviously some opinions are more well-informed than others. Like if there were two people with opinions on comic books and one of them was me, my opinion would obviously be the better one in most cases. I suppose if the other person were Grant Morrison or Gail Simone, our opinions would have about equal weight! But only in those cases! I can't think of a case where my opinion would be worse. Maybe if the other opinions were from Jesus?

Rating: +3!