Justice League Dark #29

Touching the Sphincter of God.

I think this is the end of Forever Evil: Blight! And since that's what I think, I'm probably wrong. For all of my Master Comic Book Reading Skills, I still can't tell when a particular story is ending. Or when a comic book has been cancelled. Or why Scott Lobdell still has a job.

At the end of the (probable) penultimate installment, Constantine had just brained Felix Faust with his tallywacker. The day had yet to be saved though because all of the DC Magic Users were still trapped within the Thaumaton. And, um, that's where we begin. I guess.

Oh hey! Guess what! That thing that happened last issue? Forget it. It was different! Fucking comic books.

I would guess that this Constantine Doppelganger was actually Nick Necro but if Nick Necro can so easily replicate the trench coat, why is he trying so hard to get the one back from John? Hell, why doesn't he just go down to the local used clothing shop! I found an apparently valuable Burberry for $20 down at Buffalo Exchange! I thought I was just buying a shitty ass trench for a Philip K. Dick costume. But I liked it and wore it around all the time until people started informing me that it was expensive. It was only then that I realized Burberry was a thing and then I realized Agent Scully wears one. Now that impressed me!

The fake John that steals the power from Faust and dies giving it back to the DC Mages is one of John's little Psychisms, one of his inner demons. It escaped from The House of Mystery and found itself in an after-school special where it learned to love! And then it gave up its life to save Zatanna and the others. Just like Constantine would never do. Must suck when one of the shittiest aspects of your personality outshines you in front of the woman you love.

Zatanna: "That was so romantic! Why can't you be romantic like that, John?"
Constantine: "But Zee! I am! I mean, that was me! Just imagine how much love the real me has to give if my penchant for kicking puppies can learn to love so strongly!"
Zatanna: "Really? That's what that aspect was? You actually...enjoy kicking puppies?"
Constantine: "Of course not! I mean, not anymore, obviously."

Well, he could have said what I just had him say above this panel!

While Justice League Dark tries to have a bonding experience over the last remnant of Constantine's empathy dying on the floor, Trigon's sons decide to switch teams. Zatanna sighs, "What next?!" Then she leads the team into battle because nobody really liked listening to Constantine's orders anyway. It's just that he had such a cool house and they were kind of mesmerized by his accent. Also he had all those embarrassing secrets about them all hidden inside his little Room of Secrets in the House of Mystery. Does that mean the House of Secrets has a tiny little Room of Mystery in it? Probably but it's a secret.

Constantine throws a fit when he realizes how disappointed Zatanna was that he didn't actually die for her. I can see that. How the fuck do you win Zee's heart? If you die for her, she'll love you forever but what good is it? If you don't die for her, she resents you for not dying for her! That chick has some seriously backwards thinking!

Constantine probably isn't abandoning the Justice League Dark anyway. I mean, I wouldn't mind if he did! He's a loner at heart. He should be doing his own thing in his own comic book and leave the team stuff to other mages. Zatanna thinks he's doing what she thinks he does best: putting his own needs above everyone else's. But he's probably actually doing what he actually does best: a little misdirection! He'll probably come back and destroy the Thaumaton and kiss the girl. Although, seriously, I really do hope he's running out on them to pout and despise himself and go on believing he doesn't deserve friends over in his own comc book.

After John leaves, everything comes to a grinding halt. No fighting. No demons. No magic. No demons. No Constantine. No demons. Everything just comes to a grinding halt. Because the souls of Nanda Parbat have fed on Angel Wings and are ready to move the entire place to a dimension in a better neighborhood. So Zatanna risks everything because magic has risks or something and teleports them all away before Nanda Parbat disappears. And by all, I mean the main members of Justice League Dark and the Trinity of Sin and their buddies. I guess Blue Devil and Shade the Changing Man had to fend for themselves.

Although I'm not sure why John is there. Artistic error?

And so Forever Evil: Blight is over! I think. Did it just end? Really? That was it? Hmm, I guess that's what happens with these DC tie-ins. I think Geoff Johns wants all the surprise twist glory holes for himself. The story may not have really done much to change the landscape of the DC world, but it did finish Constantine's time with the Justice League Dark and his (totally phony, amirite?) love for Zatanna.

Fuck the House of Mystery! It's the more bullshit house anyway! Go get the House of Secrets, John! But you have to let Rain live there with you, okay?

Justice League Dark #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. It doesn't get any positive ranking points for how Forever Evil: Blight ended. I think if you look up anti-climactic in the dictionary, you get a free copy of this issue under the main definition which is my sexual prowess. The great part of this issue was Constantine leaving the team and completely ruining any romantic relationship between Zatanna and himself. Also, Zatanna leading the Justice League Dark from inside the House of Mystery just works so much better since she's always been a staple of the regular Justice League. I actually prefer a more super hero Justice League oriented Justice League Dark! This also should improve Constantine's comic now that he's back to being an unlovable loner.

Pandora #9

According to Bioshock Infinite, being born again makes you a big fucking dickhole racist dirtbag piece of shit.

In the last episode of Forever Evil: The Blighted Years, Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft teamed up with Trigon's sons, Belial, Orcus, and Demogorgon. They are now on their way to destroy the Thaumaton which they probably won't do any time soon because the big evil person the Thaumaton was created to destroy won't be revealed until Forever Evil #7. I imagine. So we should just sit back and watch DC's magic users tread water for a few more weeks.

Also John Constantine was currently on his way to Hell while Nick Necro lay bleeding out on the floor beside the pit to Hell. And Swamp Thing was flipping the fuck out because "flipping the fuck out" and "Whoops!" are like my catch phrases and shit! I probably have more but who can remember them? It's actually easier to spit out new phrases than to remember phrases that I should constantly use. I was going to keep bringing back Batgirl's advice when she asked herself "Am I being a jerk right now?" but I never did that! Another stupid quote I wanted to keep coming back to was when Deathstroke said, "I don't know why but I feel a 'Your mom' joke coming on." I mean, that's A++ Gold Material, right?! I think that idiot Liefeld wrote that one but I wouldn't bet my masturbation time on it.

I don't think there's going to be much to talk about this issue. It's just going to be a decently written, issue long mystic battle in Nanda Parbat. Maybe that's a good thing! I should just embrace not needing to comment on every little thing in the comic book and just throw out some bullet points! It's not like this issue is going to advance the Forever Evil: Blight story line by anything but the most minutest of measurements! So let's hit the main points.

Constantine is saved by Zauriel before this Rhymer Demon can finish his quatrain with the word "fuck."

Black Orchid makes me think disgusting thoughts and ponder if IKEA sells Thaumatons for home use.

If that hairy demon in the above panel were wearing roller skates, I'd swear on my life I once saw him back in the 80s on James Gabbert's KOFY-TV 20 Dance Party.

The Swamp Thing becomes the gigantic mystery creature that Nick Necro saw attacking the Thaumaton in his earlier visions. I think. It might not matter because Faust blasts the Swamp Thing into mulch with his magnificent machine powered by 500 young boys and/or magic users. Faust also casts his final spell which gives him the power and knowledge of all the magic users in the DC Universe. Why would he save that as his last spell? That seems like a pretty useful bit of magic! I bet it's a last ditch spell because it ends with his head exploding.

Once again, Faust tries to convince the Mini-Justice League Dark that the Thaumaton was built to save the world and by trying to destroy it, they are allowing humankind to fall to whatever has followed the Crime Syndicate to New Earth. But fuck Faust! He's a hideous looking ghoul which means he must be lying! Only good looking people can be trusted to save the world!

Faust says some interesting stuff that I might want to remember some day, so I'll just leave it here.

So what is Pandora? If she's not human, is she fictional? If she's not from this universe, is she from the Preboot Universe? She was there at Flashpoint and witnessed the merging and changing of the Preboot worlds. Faust doesn't actually give anybody any new information here. This is really just a general reminder that Pandora is more than one of the Trinity of Sin; she's more than just a woman that brought The Seven Deadly Sins into the world. She's a key figure in the creation of The New 52 and I think her real part to play has barely been hinted at.

Faust begins to magically rebuild the Thaumaton while simultaneously re-enslaving all of his former captives. But Constantine whacks him on the back of the head with what I can only assume he calls a tally whacker, knocking Faust the fuck out.

See the title? Just like I said! An issue long battle! I think that's just enough experience points to raise my Comic Book Reader Level! You're now looking at a Master Comic Book Reader of the East Wind!

Pandora #9 Rating: No change. Next issue is the conclusion to Forever Evil: Blight! Also next week, the conclusion to Rogues Rebellion and Arkham War! The end of Forever Evil is in sight! Huzzah! For your information, I only say "Huzzah" ironically!

Constantine #12

I wonder who was the first person to say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out?" Abraham Lincoln? Benjamin Franklin? No, no! I bet it was W.E.B. Du Bois!

I heartily dislike the character Nick Necro. He's a manifestation of Constantine's id out of control. He is a perversion of Constantine; a Constantine without mercy or empathy. Unless Constantine is the perversion of Necro? Perhaps he's simply the victim! Like the magician in Frosty the Snowman just trying to get back his magic hat, Nick Necro simply wants his jacket back. In Necro's world (as in all of our worlds), he is both protagonist of all stories and victim of an uncaring universe. Constantine stole his magic trench coat and his magic girlfriend and he just wants things set right. But I don't care about any of that! I'm the champion of my own story and I want a story about a me that doesn't have to read about Nick Necro! You hear that, Universe? That's the sound of me shaking my fist impotently at you! Yeah, well, it doesn't really make much of a sound which is why I had to explain what I was doing.

The issue begins with Necro divining the future. It doesn't look good. Giant creature attacks. Thaumoton blows its head off. Lots of people die. Necro mentions that it's inevitable. But Necro is a flaming twat. His mind is clouded by silent tears. He currently has clowns in his coffee. He couldn't divine the future if a teacher's edition instruction manual with all of the methods of divination (along with all of the answers printed in the back) bit him in the ass. He's no barn owl!

Look, I can't hold your hand while reading this commentary and explain every single thing I say! If you're a regular reader of my commentaries, you know exactly what and who I mean by "barn owl." I suppose I could have easily explained it in far fewer words than it took to explain why I wouldn't explain it. But I think I'm standing on principal here! I've never done it before so I'm not sure if this is it or not.

Necro Karate blocks philosophically on the nature of Hell.

So nearly exactly like visiting family during the holidays? Or posting on Facebook?

After Necro chats with Constantine, he's off to film a sitcom pilot with Felix Faust called Daddy Issues. The premise is that a young sorcerer named Felix Faust can't afford tuition in a prestigious magic school in Nanda Parbat. So he trades away his youth to rescue a young, bitter New Yorker from the depths of hell to serve as his roommate. Faust feels like he can constantly tell the new kid, Necro, what to do because he saved him from hell. But Necro can't stand some old jerk bossing him around which causes a lot of friction and some really hilarious mishaps! In the first episode, Necro wonders why he has to pay such a high percentage of the rent when Faust has about two dozen other boarders strapped to a Thaumaton in the guest room who are living there for free. Necro gets a job at the local mini-golf course while he tries to get to the bottom of Faust's plans. Realizing the premise of the show might be a little weak, network executives decide to cast a bunch of crazy characters as Nick's coworkers at the mini-golf course as a pilot within a pilot for a show called The Putting Life.

Constantine escapes from the Thaumaton with a little help from Nick Necro burning him in the chest with his cigarettes on a constant basis. It's an old trick they learned back in the heady, carefree, drug-fueled days of post-punk New York. As they watched the suits and ties take over every inch of their old, garbage-littered stomping grounds, Nick and Johnny began wearing ties and buttoned shirts to mock those money hungry monsters invading their turf. The look was part of their misdirection, just another parlor trick to hide who they really were and what they were actually practicing. Just as Clark Kent's real power as a secret identity is his clumsy, awkward, fearful nature that would lead nobody to guess he's Superman no matter how much he looks like him, Constantine learned that an underwhelming appearance of power was the best mask a powerful magician could don.

Although you'd think after years of people thinking they've nearly defeated Constantine only to find he manipulated them through their own arrogance, people would have gotten wise. I guess that's the problem with pride and arrogance! You just never consider that the person with their throat under your boot actually wanted to be in that position.

Anyway, back to Constantine's escape!

Hey Necro? If you really want to kill Johnny, you've got a harpoon on the other arm.

Instead of the Sea King's fist exploding through John's face, Constantine Sign of the Devil's Deadman out of Sea King's body. You'd think if anybody would remember that when Constantine is just about to be defeated he's actually at his most dangerous, it would be Nick Necro. There's that pride and arrogance fucking things up all over again!

Constantine begins to realize that Nick is up to something more than trying to murder John. Nick could have easily killed John on the Thaumaton, so why did he set him free instead? Could it have something to do with that experience Nick, John, and Zee all shared six years ago at magic camp?

Magic Camp: more blasphemy but less sexual experimentation than Bible Camp!

The memory serves to show that Nick and John were bound by sex and blood which makes John an ideal candidate to offer to Hell in exchange for Nick's survival in the final chapter of Forever Evil: Blight. The issue ends with Constantine falling into Hell, Swamp Thing flipping the fuck out and tearing down the Thaumaton, and Nick Necro lying on the floor with a magic crystal in his chest. Not really a happy ending for anybody. Except maybe Deadman! He's now free of Sea King's fishy corpse.

Constantine #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I still don't like Nick Necro but I'm glad to get a little more of the history between John and Zee and Nick. Also he might be dying. Again! But probably not.

The Phantom Stranger #17

Trigon and his entire family, including Lobdell's version of Raven, make any comic book in which they appear 300% worse. Hashtag I did the math.

Hey society? Do we have to hashtag everything? I know I'm late to being annoyed by hashtags but then my Twitter account is like an unflushed loo at a rarely visited rest stop. But now that they're everywhere, I can't avoid them. I don't claim to know what we, as a collective group of assholes, should and should not be doing with our culture. But when I'm watching something as mind numbingly mind numbing as The Amazing Race, do I really need to participate in #SomebodySaidSomething? When I'm watching a commercial for auto insurance, do I need to take part in the national conversation with a gecko or Flo? Although I am glad that millions of moronic assholes constantly identify themselves as such with things like #SorryNotSorry and #NotaRacist. I like Tumblr tags because they aren't intrusive and they're fun to use. They're like footnotes. You can take them or leave them depending on how much of a complete experience you must have. But hashtags on Facebook posts? Well, you know what? I don't really mind those because as soon as I see a hashtag included I know that post isn't worth reading. Fuck, I already know 95% of all Facebook posts aren't worth reading. Sorry, friends and family but, well, hashtag truth hashtag bitches.

I do like that things are being tagged so they're easy to find if you're looking for something particular. But is anybody really going on Twitter and looking up Hashtag Barista Problems? Or has Hashtag Circumcision Won't Stop Bleeding really proved useful to anybody? Although if you really want to fall into a deep, dark despair of bitter anger and disappointment with the world, just go on Twitter and search out the #SorryNotSorry or #NotaRacist tags. Whee.

None of that has anything to do with The Phantom Stranger although the title is an anagram for Hashtag NPR Ottermen. Is their a liberal conspiracy to replace the human race with Ottermen? If there is, I just discovered it.

This issue begins with the resolution to The Phantom Stranger's encounter with The Spectre last issue. Basically it doesn't come to much more than Chris the Redeemer giving The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft some kind of gift, a vision of their past and future connected. Maybe Cassandra Craft is Mary Magdalene? Anyway, after that nonsense with Chris, Dog, and the Spectre (nonsense that feels like a pilot for another project secreted safely within this issue to set the stage for a monthly Spectre comic) is finished, everybody heads to Las Vegas to meet up with Trigon's sons.

Her psychic eyes don't seem to notice that her tits are falling out of her shirt.

Maybe Cassandra likes her current look with the too small shirt. I certainly like it. What is the process of choosing your dress when you're blind? Comfort? Feel? Physical descriptions from sighted people? I know it would be easy for me since my fashion hasn't changed since high school. Jeans. Thermal long-sleeved shirts under t-shirts. Boots in winter; Birks in summer; barefoot whenever or wherever I can be. Cassandra seems to have a bit of that fashion sense. She's just keeping things loose and easy. The Phantom Stranger and Pandora should be taking fashion advice from her.

The mini-Trinity of Sin (fuck The Question! If he isn't going to take part in these crossovers, he can go fuck himself. Cassandra Craft should get the job) makes their way up to the 13th Floor (you know, where evil and ghostly shenanigans always take place) to meet with Trigon's sons and ask them to help save the world. Because without the world, where are they going to find souls to gamble with?

As debauched devils and sons of the Universe's Greatest Rapist, their sexual desires seem pretty vanilla. They're demons. Why are they sticking to just females? And humanoids? And animate objects?

If I were an Incubus, I'd run around naked with my erect phallus flailing around in front of me, banging and rubbing it on anything and everything I encountered, leaving streams of burning jizz on everything I passed. As a Succubus, I'd do pretty much the same thing except the jizz part would be girl jizz and I'd probably shove a lot more things up me since I'd have two nether orifices instead of just the one. As either, I'd probably be fairly easy to defeat or capture because there would be like a 90% chance that I'd be masturbating when encountered. I'm not even a sex demon and that percentage is probably accurate for my normal life.

Here's an aside for people reading this that keep thinking, "Why the hell does Tess keep talking about comic books? Get to the boring, mundane shit about real life!" It's 9:20 AM in the morning and I just received a package of chocolate from Germany. Okay, the Non-Certified Spouse actually did. But I answered the door where the old timey DHL delivery guy was busy covering the package with a garbage can lid to protect it from the rain! Also last night, I laughed Sierra Mist out of both nostrils. It was refreshing!

Once again, a bunch of arrogant prick asshole losers need to be convinced that The Crime Syndicate is bad for business. You'd think people would notice this kind of thing. I guess I'm just too optimistic about the intelligence of people (and rapey demons). Why would any evil or amoral person think, "Hey! More evil and amoral people! They're just like me! We'll probably get along great!" Well, if you're one of those evil and amoral people (like me!), you'll understand the flaw in that logic. If you're a goody-two shoes ratfink jerkoff, you might think, "I love being around people like me! Why wouldn't evil people like being around other evil people?" I don't know. Because community doesn't work when you're setting your neighbor's house on fire and coveting his wife's ass? Pretty much every evil jerk in the DC Universe that had any aspirations to live life by their own free will should be against The Crime Syndicate. I can understand losers like Giganta or Blockbuster or Copperhead following them. But Deathstork Deathstroke? Vandal Savage? Gorilla Grodd? These are individualistic leaders that would see this kind of disruption of their world as a seriously bad thing. I can see these devils not noticing at first because who cares what fucking humans do? But eventually they're going to have to deal with how unbalanced the world has become.

Why would The Stranger ask these guys for help when he already knew what they would ask in payment and he wasn't ready to give up the coins? I bet that's why this story is called "The Gamble"! Because there's a secret part to this plan!

Eventually after a lot of fighting and threats to ordinary people, Belial gets The Phantom Stranger to reconsider the deal. The Phantom Stranger gives up his Necklace of Coins in exchange for help from Trigon's sons. I have a feeling the Necklace of Coins is a Cursed Artifact that can give much power but also demands much from the wearer. The Phantom Stranger, having just declared his independence from Dog, probably used this opportunity to also rid himself of the Necklace of Coins by tricking Belial into demanding it as payment. Now Belial is Dog's Servant, right?

Belial decides to help The Phantom Stranger because he's obviously OG if he can wear that necklace without breaking down like a little bitch the way Belial just did.

Everybody heads off to Nanda Parbat to save the world or something.

The Phantom Stranger #17 Rating: No change. I can't think of a reason Cassandra would be connected to The Phantom Stranger unless she's somehow Magdalene. Who else could she be? Oh! Jesus himself! Except Chris the Babysitter is the Jesus figure in this story. But The Phantom Stranger didn't fall in love with him, so he's not actually Jesus. Just a divine substitute! Cassandra Craft could be Jesus though! Would J.M. Dematteis write Judas/Jesus Slash Fiction for a major comic book company? I would!

Here are Cabbage Patch Batman and Robin showing off half of the German Chocolate delivered today.

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Constantine #11

Seems rational.

I don't think Constantine is in love with Zatanna at all! He's not even in love with the idea of being in love! He's in love with the idea that he might possibly be able to love somebody even though he's destroyed so many lives in his selfish need to become more powerful (while lying to himself that he's actually just trying to keep balance in the magic realm) and also in love with the idea that a good person might possibly be able to love him back if he hides his true self to her and himself. Or he might just really love the feeling of his penis in Zatanna's vagina. That's a pretty distinct possibility.

This issue no longer has the Forever Evil label on it but they're still going after The Crime Syndicate's Thaumaton to save their magical allies. Did DC just forget? Or did they figure they could drop that after Blight was defeated and Chris the Redeemer was brought forth unto the world? You know what. I don't care.

Remember last issue when I did it all in crayon? That was pretty good, hunh? I'm not doing that this time!

So Justice League Dark have found themselves in Nanda Parbat infiltrating The Crime Syndicate's secret magic weapon headquarters thanks to Deadman's cover as The Sea King. That probably won't last long though before Ultraman hears about his return and comes to investigate.

That's what I wrote in the last Phantom Stranger issue! That if they'd just taken the time to discuss the whereabouts of their missing magic friends, they'd have realized Nanda Parbat was the only place they could be! You know, after San Francisco!

As soon as the Mini-Justice League Dark enter the temple where Zatanna and the others are being held, they trigger a trap by Nick Necro (whom I might hate even more than Condor) that causes everyone but Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse to disappear. That's okay! All of the others minus Zauriel have their own comic books! They don't need to be running around this one for no pay.

The Nightmare Nurse looks like Sailor Boner here!

And here as well! Vampire Tig who?

While I'm busy falling in love with The Nightmare Nurse, John and Asa break through all of Felix Faust's mystical traps to find themselves at the doorstep of the Thaumaton. Strapped to this huge device are all of their mystical friends, enemies, and acquaintances: Black Orchid, Cassandra Craft, Shade, Enchantress, Blackbriar Thorn, Blue Devil, Papa Midnite, and more. Any magic person who is any magic person in the DC Universe is here. Except Zatanna. That's when Constantine turns on The Nightmare Nurse, punches her, and asks who she really is! Of course it's Nick Necro in disguise.

Well damn! No wonder I was suddenly all lustful for The Nightmare Nurse! Before this issue, I thought she was cute and adorable and sexy in that devil may care that she's a devil kind of way! But that mostly had to do with her character. Okay, sure. The cute little devil nurse outfit may have intrigued me a bit! But suddenly after the initial trap was sprung, she was Male Gazed up to the gills! Because that's the only way Nick Necro has ever seen her! As a sexual object! So when he tried to portray her himself, The Nightmare Nurse was suddenly causing man and lady boners to pop up all over the place! That's probably how Constantine knew it was really Necro in disguise.

Nick Necro: "Let's see. How do I convince everybody I'm The Nightmare Nurse? Short skirt which means multiple glimpses of my underwear! Oh yeah, that's fucking hot. My nipples need to show through my thick leather clothing. That's a must! Legs about a third longer than normal so it's noticeable but I don't look like a freak. Big heeled boots will help give a boost to my height and ass! Let's see...what did her hair and face look like? Damn. Fuck if I know. I mean, I remember she had tits. And lips! And tits. Bah, it'll only be John I have to fool! I'm sure he's never really looked Ana in the face either!"

John and Nick tussle for a bit before John disappears for a moment to get his bearings. Or his teammates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nicky baby. Remember this isn't a Vertigo title anymore. You can't just go sticking your dick into any old magician you want while a nearly naked woman in bondage watches.

John beats Nick Necro easily because Nick Necro sucks. The only way I might be willing to read another comic book with Nick Necro is if he joins some kind of Loser's Club with Condor and Warrant. But Constantine forgets about Felix Faust who reappears and knocks out John. Although this is John's best tactic, right? He lets the other magicians punch themselves out before he comes back and kicks their asses. If only Ann Nocenti were here to remind me what that is called!

Or maybe Constantine really got caught with his dick out this time.

The rest of his team are close by because they've also been securely locked into the Thaumaton.

Constantine #11 Rating: +4 Ranking. I don't know if it's my fault recently for not enjoying Constantine or if Constantine just has been getting the shitty chapters of Forever Evil: Blight. But whatever was going on, that's in the past with this issue! I really enjoyed it for some unquantifiable reason although the art was a big quantifiable plus. ACO (or Aco? (Or aco?)) really got the job done! Especially those parts with Nick Necro wearing female undergarments. Ha cha cha cha!

The Phantom Stranger #16

Hopefully this cover means Etrigan is on his way.

First off, Wii Fit is a little bitch. Fuck that knob-gobbling piece of shit (no offense to knob-gobblers! Blessed are the gobblers of knobs and the munchers of rugs!)! So I hooked up the Wii Fit a few days ago because I wanted to remember what it was like to sweat and I prefer not to do anything in public where I might actually have to interact with human beings. So it weighs me on the first day and tests my balance and all that bullshit. Then on the second day, it weighs me again and says I've lost two pounds. It then goes on to say that weight often fluctuates by about two pounds every day so be sure to weigh yourself at the same time each day! As if I eat and shit on a strict schedule. So then it weighed me again today and I was up one and a half pounds from yesterday. Which I figure is part of that two pound fluctuation. But does the Wii Fit say "You know, weight often fluctuates by up to two pounds!" today? No! The fucking Wii Fit says, "Why the fuck did you get so fat, fatty?" And then it brings up a list of reasons to choose from so it can shame me on my choices! And was one of those choices, "I did everything right so it must be that fluctuation thing you told me about"? Fuck no! It was all "Snacking" and "Eating too much" and "Being a gross pig" and "Lazy bastard" and "I eat like a fucking monster." Fuck you, Wii Fit! Although I did have to admit that my snacking was a problem the past two days since the Mother-in-Common-Law sent a big box of Valentine's Day cookies.

I should record my comic book reviews and release them as podcasts for people who don't have three minutes of free time to read them. People like listening to shit and exerting no effort for their entertainment, right? I think that was one of Wii Fit's choices as to why I'm so Goddamned fat: "Cannot bring myself to spend calories on reading and can only hit play button with long stick from lying position in pool of congealed lard."

This issue begins with John Constantine in a straight jacket in The House of Mystery. I don't know why that is and it causes a bit of anxiety that maybe I missed a Forever Evil: Blight issue somewhere along the line! Blight had just been defeated and Chris the Babysitter had become Chris the Redeemer. Constantine could feel Zatanna and the other magic users being held by The Crime Syndicate in some thing called a Thaumaton. Perhaps that's why he went crazy? I hope the story explains itself fairly quickly because I hate reading comic books with that nagging sense I should know what's happening but possibly don't because of my memory. The whole reason for this blog was to never feel that feeling again!

Oh, thank you, Nightmare Nurse! You have cured me of my crippling anxiety!

While Constantine is out, Justice League Dark doesn't have much to do. He's the one that knows where they need to go next. Now they just have to kill time until he regains his sanity and can tell them where to go. I don't know how Pandora and the Swamp Thing are filling the long stretches until they can get back to work but I kind of hope they're doing what The Phantom Stranger and Nightmare Nurse are.

Even the House wants them to fuck. Speaking of fucking and The House of Mystery, does it ever get laid? Does it pound its chimney into The House of Secret's backdoor? Is it weird that I'd pay good money to watch that porn?

Instead of Nightmare Nurse getting a little Phantom Stranger, they decide to take a trip into Constantine's mind. The Phantom Stranger totally pusses out because he has (mocking trill in my voice) a wife and family. Sure, they're dead and they weren't really his wife and family anyway but he still uses it as the excuse for why he can't hoist the mainsail. I think that's bullshit. I bet kissing Christ ruined The Phantom Stranger for every other person in existence. Where do you go after that? I suppose where you go is second base with Christ but the fucking Romans ruined the moment. Garden of Gethsemane? More like the Garden of GetSomeIfYouKnowWhatIMean!

Meanwhile Pandora, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and Zauriel aren't going to be any help if they can't even ascribe the speech bubbles to the proper speakers.

The Phantom Stranger remembers an episode of Degrassi Junior High he once saw where Caitlin thinks she might be a lesbian and that she's in love with her English teacher and that maybe her English teacher loves her back because she gives her good grades and she winds up having sex dreams about her teacher. And then The Phantom Stranger realizes that isn't going to help in this situation, so he tricks John into fighting his own demons and Constantine drives away the madness. And they all lived happily ever after for the next five minutes as John got dressed. And then they got back to work looking for Zatanna and the other magic users. I hope they don't find Madame Xanadu. God I hate that barn owl.

The group realizes The Crime Syndicate's evil little plan is taking place in Nanda Parbat because that's the first place that anybody would have guessed they were holed up doing their little magic experiments. No, maybe the second place. My first guess would have been San Francisco, possibly Berkeley. Nanda Parbat would have been my second guess. But for the magic loving freaks of the DC Universe, this is where they would have picked if they weren't busy with all that making shitty plans fighting Blight business. If they had just sat down at a table with some Earl Grey and biscuits to discuss the matter calmly, one of them would have said, "If I were a mega-evil bunch of dopplegangers from a mirror world, where would I go to most effectively use the magicians I've kidnapped?" And Constantine would have snapped his fingers and pointed at Swamp Thing and, in unison, they would have said, "Nanda ParliamentofTreesbat!" And Swamp Thing would have said alone, "Oh yeah. Your answer makes more sense. They're probably in Nanda Parbat." And so that's where The Phantom Stranger takes them with his Mysterious Ways Power.

Fuck you, Zauriel! Like The Phantom Stranger wants this fucking bullshit power crap anyway! He's only been trying to figure out how to lose this job for 2000 years! And now you tell him all he had to do was abuse his heavenly expense account?! No problem!

John's plan now rests on Deadman's shoulders. As The Sea King, he's able to walk up to the front door and ask nicely to be let inside to take a look at the project. And everybody is supposed to say, "Oh hey! You were dead and shit but this isn't weird at all! Come on up!"

Felix Faust and Nick Necro are fucking chimps. I mean chumps! Damn typo! Now I'm picturing Faust with his dick in an ape's ass as it howls away and jerks off Nick Necro's dick painted like a banana.

As Sea King is let inside, the rest of The Justice League Dark follow invisibly after. Success!

The Phantom Stranger #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't have time to say how much I enjoyed this comic book because I have to get ready for work now. If only I had a patron to support me, I wouldn't be leaving this end statement half finished.

Justice League Dark #27

Who the fuck cares? The Sins have been utterly useless up until this point.

Last issue, Justice League Dark had realized that Chris the Babysitter couldn't be saved. At least Constantine thinks he realized that. The rest of the soft-hearted fools still think he can be saved. They've been listening to Gandalf again, haven't they? Gandalf is pro letting evil jerks live! And just because he was right in that one instance that saved the world, it doesn't mean his theory holds true across other situations.

If God can work in mysterious ways, why can't we work in mysterious ways too? I want to be able to commit crimes and use the defense that "I work in mysterious ways!" The judge should nod knowingly while sticking out his lower lip in contemplation of a well-told defense, and then he can instruct the jury to take into account that the defendant "works in mysterious ways" when deliberating. Why does God get to be special? Aren't we made in his image?

I was walking past a Carrera yesterday (it's a car!) and thought, "Cool! I want to drive a Gamera!" And then I reread the name and thought, "Stupid lousy font."

Is that enough rambling? Should I read the comic book now?

So anyway, things weren't going well at the end of Pandora #7.

Fight evil with evil? Does that mean...ETRIGAN?!

Zauriel, The Phantom Stranger, and Pandora have all faked their deaths again! Now they're inside of Blight searching for Hope. By Hope I mean Chris Esperanza just like I've meant it in every fucking Forever Evil: Blight commentary I've written! Try to keep up. What am I saying? Why should you keep up when I can't even keep up and I'm writing this shit? That's asking way too much of anybody. You know, asking someone to pay attention to something that's not about themselves. Oh! I bet that's why my only Follower is me!

Since The Phantom Stranger and Pandora and the Angel are resorting to an old plan, John decides to do the same thing. Once again, Swamp Thing and Deadman hit the front lines as distractions while he and the Nightmare Nurse make a little magic. If you know what I mean.

No, seriously. See? That's what I meant!

Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse give birth to their most vile thoughts and deeds. Blight versions of themselves are released into the world to battle Blight. This might be a case of introducing an invasive species into a non-native environment for the sole purpose of rooting out another invasive species. It's definitely not the plan I was hoping for! You know the one. The one where Nightmare Nurse drunk dials Etrigan and says, "Hey babe. We've got a situation. And you owe me, like, ten thousand or something. Can you Gone Gone The Form of Man your way over here? Thanks! Kisses!"

Meanwhile deep inside Blight's bloated belly, Zauriel stops Pandora and The Stranger from freeing Hope because, as Zauriel says, Hope isn't done yet. It needs to bake for another five to ten issues before it can emerge as a new Earthly Savior to save everybody on Earth. Hmm. Redundant!

Zauriel tells Pandora and The Stranger to follow their hearts while he battles Blight's inner defenses. Can't you be more clear? It's those fucking mysterious ways again, isn't it? Why does God even bother going through the motions if he's omniscient? Linear time must be so fucking boring for God. It's like sitting through Star Wars for the eleventh trillion time. I wonder how many times I've seen Star Wars? Has to be at least five.

Back in reality, John's beast-self is about to destroy Blight's host when The Nightmare Nurse's vile-self stops him. So, once again, Justice League Dark almost defeats Blight but somebody stops it from happening because they can't allow Chris the Babysitter to die. You know what? Fuck Chris the Babysitter! He died once already and was brought back to life! Just do that again! Unless it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why Jesus Christ is never coming back! Because you only get one do-over! So forget about the Second Coming, people! Since technically the Second Coming would be the Third Coming. I think. The Bible is confusing.

But at least I understand enough of it to have realized that Chris the Babysitter was the Hope and the Light of Mankind. Just as The Phantom Stranger and Pandora finally realize when they awaken Chris with their love. Love is a synonym for genitalia, right?

I think this is the meaning of the Rainbow Connection! "The lovers! The Dreamers! And Chris! Babysitting all of us jerks! We know that he's probably a pedo!"

I also just understood why he was a babysitter! Because he's here to take care of all of us! And we're all babies in God's eyes! Except for me! I'm a man! With man feelings! Yeah yeah yeah!

And so Chris is free to redeem mankind. And since that's how I've been calling it for about twenty issues now, I've earned another level to my Comic Book Reader Class! I'm now a Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons!

And so, with Blight defeated, the psychic static clears and Constantine can once again feel Zatanna and the other magic users of the DC Universe. He knows where they are. They are cogs in The Thaumaton! That is θαυμάτων in proper Greek! Which means Wonderland! I think. Boy, I sure am wishy washy on everything I think I know!

Justice League Dark #27 Rating: No change! I went out to breakfast this morning and when I got home, a package was waiting for me from my mother. It had various surprises in it for Valentine's Day but this was the best one:

Yes, it's a pirated version she purchased from eBay. But fuck if you can find a legally purchased copy anywhere! She also sent me linguiça. Which is odd. But appreciated since I haven't had it in a very long time. My grandmother used to make it for me so it's a very special sausage. Shut up.

Pandora #7

Wouldn't this cover look great in crayon?!

I thought about doing the rest of the Forever Evil: Blight issue commentaries in crayon but then decided it would just feel like trying desperately to hold on to the magic of my Constantine #10 commentary. Plus I need to buy more crayons. Preferably one of the large boxes with the built-in crayon sharpener. Although I have a feeling that if I did the crayon version of every comic book I read from here on out, this blog could become a huge hit. That's the kind of gimmick that people love to see one time and then never remember seeing a few months later. But who needs longevity in this day and age, right? I don't think that actually exists anymore.

Part of my theory for the Blight story line was that Chris was a Christ-figure and he was going to have to be betrayed by The Phantom Stranger and martyred in order to save the world. But now with this cover, it looks like "Light" is what is going to be needed to defeat "Blight." I guess one doesn't negate the other. The Light of Chris will defeat the evil in men's souls. But probably not women's. Their evil is always so much more personal and hurtful! Men are like, "I'm going to be super evil because I want the most shit and power! Whoever gets in my way will be struck down!" And women are all, "I'm going to be super evil to just you, on the down low, because you didn't notice my new hair cut. And I will fucking destroy you for it, no matter how long it takes." Children are just plain, "I'm fucking evil, motherfucker! Give me all the attention and all the candy! Fuck your needs and desires! Deal with me!"

Last time we saw The Mini-JLD, they had just returned to heaven with a new partner: Zauriel. He has decided to help Constantine in his quest to save Zatanna because he believes in love. What a naive bitch.

They're like a bunch of tarot cards. Or a new Chess Set. Hmm. I wonder if I should design a chessboard game pitting these seven against Blight and the last six Sins?

Pandora reveals that when she was in Heaven, she was simply asked by Dog, "What are you?" She seemed to know who she was at various points along her 10,000 year life but now she's at a loss. What the fuck is left of a person after 10,000 years? Can you continue to grow or do your edges just get constantly worn away year after year by tedium and entropy? What kind of goals can you have when you have all the time in the world to obtain them? Seems like whatever you wanted, you could eventually get. Whatever you believed would eventually not make any sense as the world changed around you. According to notes made by my first grade teacher on my report card, I'm roughly the exact same person I was at six that I am now at forty-two. And every new generation that appears really isn't any different than the one before it, no matter how much more wise they like to think they are with modern thoughts. But they'll learn. We were all at that peak of youthful passion at one point or another. We all thought the same thoughts and knew how the world should be and how we'd all get along. But as the years pass, you see yourself betrayed by your own generation, stabbed in the back by the power hungry and materialistic masses that never felt the same way at all and continued to perpetuate the institutionalized bullshit that you thought your generation was going to change. Imagine seeing how human culture never really changes either, even after 10,000 years. I imagine I'd feel pretty weary and bitter by this time. Youthful optimism would be long gone, leaving me just a mass of bristling, resentful, raggedly raw nerves. Completely cynical. Angry. Hateful. Burnt out. Hell, fuck ten thousand years! That sounds like me now!

At least Pandora still has her looks.

This is pretty close, in a metaphorical way, to what I was just saying!

This brings to bear the one truly new thing that I hope can make a difference. The internet. Before the internet, the lights were mostly isolated. People cultivated friendships with others that felt the same way about positive change. But they were still surrounded by mostly shallow, uncaring people. Ideas could be shared but it took a lot more effort and they had to fight across vast expanses of darkness to alight on like minds. But the internet enables all like minds to connect. Maybe that will be a good thing. Although it might also be bad, seeing as how movements tend to fracture and split over petty differences. Perhaps the internet will just increase the pace that movements devolve into multiple movements that share basically the same goal but bicker and fight over the particulars. I know I see this all the time on Tumblr and I like to think most of it is just youthful passion looking for any opponent and that that will be tempered with time. I know that I've been written off by people quite a few times simply due to my facetious nature on this blog and I don't always treat certain subjects with the proper gravitas others believe is required. That's fine. Every individual can only interpret things the way they interpret things and if I anger somebody, I can't be upset at them for lashing out at me. I often say stupid things for a laugh, say crass things for satirical purposes, and can get plain disgusting in some people's eyes if they think masturbation should not be talked about (and celebrated!) in a public place.

In the end, the only thing I really hope for all of us looking to improve our society is that we concentrate our attacks on the darkness rather than trying to prove that our light shines brighter than the other lights.

Oh look. Fawkes continues with the lights as well.

You should just ignore all of that previous shit. Just remember this: Scott Lobdell is the true evil.

Pandora comes to the conclusion that she can become host to the Light just as Chris is host to the Blight. That's nicely symmetrical, right? And she believes that the world still has a chance to be saved as long as there is still hope. But Chris's last name is Esperanza which means hope! So as long as Chris lives, Blight can be defeated! The Justice League Dark must take care to win Chris the Redeemer back to their side so that he can banish The Blight from his body.

This new incarnation of the Seven Soldiers of Victory meet Blight and his army in the middle of the George Washington Bridge in New York. But the real crux of the battle is the hand-to-hand combat between Pandora and Chris, Light and Blight. Pandora uses the light of everyone around the world with any kindness within them. In Constantine #10, Pandora said she was shown the goodness within each of her companions. And now she uses that knowledge to help make her stronger. And she's able to drive The Blight away.

For now! This Crossover is far from over!

Pandora and The Phantom Stranger take mercy on Chris and let him live. I believe that's the right thing to do although Constantine wants them to kill him. And he's kind of proven right when The Blight retakes Chris who begins choking the shit out of The Phantom Stranger. But that's just because this story has many more issues to go. Like keeping Gollum alive in The Lord of the Rings, the team will eventually only defeat The Blight by keeping hope alive. Hope being Christ the Babysitter!

Blight dissipates The Phantom Stranger before being tackled off the bridge by Pandora where they both sink to the bottom of the river. John asks himself, "What do we do now, John?" and Zauriel answers, "What do you think?" What he thinks is that they need to finish the fight once and for all, so it looks like they're going to have to take a dip into the river. Or get Deadman to fish Pandora and Blight out.

Pandora #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Another good chapter in The Blight Crossover even though it didn't really afford any opportunities for vulgarity and mean-spirited comments.

Constantine #10