Batman #28

Is Batman Eternal going to be stories about the Legacy Batmans that take over after Bruce Wayne? Like that one in that big fat expensive issue of Detective Comics?

Last issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

No, it actually starts with Harper being hassled by Gotham Cops (possibly) in riot gear. I'm sure she deserves it because look at her asymmetric haircut and all of her face piercings! Definitely up to no good. If she doesn't think she needs to show her respect for society by looking like a law abiding citizen, then what other things is she disrespecting? I bet she shoplifts! And has premarital sex with people of different races! I bet she's never once stepped foot in a church except to blaspheme Christ! This piece of trouble has Ouija Board written all over her! But at least she doesn't have a tattoo on her neck, so she probably doesn't murder children.

The police long to beat her but she says some secret spy phrase about Gotham making the bees get on their knees or something and instead of putting her in the hospital like a couple of good bad cops, they escort her to a fancy party.

You can't tell from this scan but there's a big fancy dress party taking place in a cave with giant cat statues on the other page.

I should probably mention that this story does not take place in the "NOW" time but in the "SOON" time! It's also called "Gotham Eternal."

Turns out Harper is working with Batman to infiltrate this place. And Batman is working with a woman back at the Batcave doing Alfred's job. So genius that I am, it's beginning to dawn on me that this story does not take place six years ago at all! It may as well have been about a Czechoslovakian gunning down wild dogs for as much as either of them have to do with The Riddler story that had been taking place.

Batman and Harper break a few skulls together. Batman is surprised to see that Harper has been training instead of being a good civilian character that screws with the electrical grid and she points out, in a round about way, that Batman's sidekicks have been training her. So Batman has sidekicks now! And by now I mean soon! I hope he has about a dozen of them. Eventually the owner of the club grows tired of Batman and Harper raising her insurance premiums and she steps out of the shadows to reveal herself in the biggest non-surprise of the year!

I mean, really. Giant cat statues? Although I guess it could have been King Tut but fuck him! Whenever I stumble upon an old episode of The Batman television series and the villain is King Tut, I lose my chubby immediately.

Catwoman has taken over the Gotham Underworld and now controls the city. She's more powerful than Batman or The Court of Owls or Bane in his wet dreams. Selina gets Batman down on his knees and says she'll give him some vaginafor. And Batman says, "What's a vagina for?" And Selina goes, "I thought you'd never ask!" Oral sex ensues.

Or this happens. Take your pick.

Batman tells Harper to lay off his ex-fuck buddy but he calls Harper "Bluebird" as he does it. So I guess Harper becomes one of Batman's sidekicks! Perhaps Carrie Kelley is the other sidekick back at the Bat-cave. And apparently Batman is not encouraging Harper to seek out physical combat training from Carrie (or Robin (or whatever name she'll take)).

Meanwhile the reason that Batman has sought out Selina's help to stop whatever outbreak is taking place above ground is revealed: Stephanie Brown, aka Spoiler. She seems to know how to stop whatever is going on. And that's it for that story which will be continued in Batman Eternal #1.

Batman #28 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't care if this was an entertaining story or not (it was!). But this issue was basically Batman Eternal #0. So fuck you and your marketing bullshit, DC. This might as well have just been Batman Eternal #1, you thoroughly ravished glory holes. But instead, you shove it into a book that's in the middle of a very long story arc which is selling very well in the hopes of getting people excited about your stupid weekly series that already has Batman in the title anyway so why would you be worried about it not being picked up? Why did I just pay $3.99 for an advertisement of Batman Eternal in Batman? Sure, I get that it really isn't much difference. I would have picked up Batman Eternal #1 alongside Batman #28 anyway. You'd have gotten my money either way. But fuck you for delaying The Riddler story in the middle of the arc. I'm especially angry at you for forcing me to be fake angry at something so fucking inconsequential as having been forced to read a Batman story in a Batman comic book! Jerks!