"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."

Trinity of Sin #6

The Question asked "Who am I?" one too many fucking times.

I just rewatched the first half of Season 7 of Mad Men in preparation for the second half of Season 7 beginning next week. It's possible that episode 7, "Waterloo," made me tear up more times for different plot points than any other show or movie I've watched. I'm sure I've cried more over other things but not for so many different reasons. I mean, every time I cried during The Fox and the Hound was due to society trying to bully the individual into giving up their individuality and act as irrationally as everybody else simply because that's the way society has always done it. Fuck you, Farmer! Just allow your hound to be gay in peace already!

Now it's time to consume a piece of media that will make me feel nothing at all! Good job, Trinity of Sin! I know my emotions will remain at a level state for the next two hours!

It doesn't take me two hours to read one comic book. But it usually takes me two hours to read and write about the comic book I'm reading, especially since I'm doing it on the internet and look at all the fun distractions on the internet that are more interesting than Trinity Sin! Also porn!

Oh Pandora. Go suck a cock.

Here's what I've learned about being broken: most people don't know when they are. They get chipped and dented and dinged and cracked by dozens and dozens of tiny, daily traumas. These are the sorts of "traumas" which if told to even the best of friends may elicit not much more than an eyeroll. They're the kinds of things that we're told, from an early age, are just part of life. They're the reasons we're assured that life isn't fair. Enough people seem to accept them so everybody else is told to accept them as well. And the underlying message of that, of "life isn't fair," is that nobody should ever try to make it so. Enh, what can we do? It's just life! And it's not fair! So buck up, fill out your resume properly, get a job you fucking hate, and deal with it, hound. And so eventually we don't even realize we're broken and, at least to ourselves, worthless until it's too late.

I don't think the breaking is that bad. That's a sign that you're in danger. But being told that a little glue will fix it is the problem. By focusing on how a broken person needs to get put back together to be accepted back into society, we ignore the real problem of how society broke the person in the first place. When we glue the vase because some asshole was playing ball in the house, that doesn't fix the problem of the asshole who is still playing ball in the house. You want to stop planes being driven into the ground by broken people? Well, I can't help you with that. It's a side-effect of the life everybody seems to want to live. And life isn't fair.

Okay, I'm back to reading the comic book and I should apologize for telling Pandora to go suck a cock because she's not the Narrator. The Narrator hasn't been identified yet but it's probably Doctor Thirteen or the transexual angel. I forget hir name. Zauriel! (Um, thanks Lord Google! Fuck you, brain. You idiot.)

The Trinity are currently prisoners of Venna the Triple-Faced Queen of Dark World. Apparently Quackers was just Venna's John the Baptist and now it's time for her to lose her head. Mostly because she did such a good job of bringing back the Dark World that everybody in the Dark World think that it had never fallen. So nobody is going to pin a medal on Quackers' chest. That's too bad for Quackers the Cosmic Duck. I thought she was going places.

The Trinity of Sin are down and out and everything is going wrong but then they eat their spinach!

Duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN! Duh duh duh duh DUN DUN DUN!

While the Trinity make muscles with cartoons of warships in them, I should talk about what I've learned about darkness! No matter how benevolent and enlightened a person thinks they are, they're still full of incredible darkness. At times, it's hard to see from within. We want what we want so badly that often we ignore the price that other people pay in order for our own desires to be fulfilled. I would love to believe that as a person ages they grow less likely to commit atrocities (of varying degree! I am using the word lightly. We're not all committing genocide on a weekly basis) but then I've seen what rich old white men think of other people. It's horrific. And look at how much "evil" (I put it in quotes because, again, I'm using the word lightly. I don't mean some all-consuming dark entity pulling the strings of puppet people that have yet to find Jesus. In fact, I'm about to accuse a whole lot of Jesus lovers in acting evil!) is being perpetrated by the self-labeled religious set. They're simply using their religion to attain their own selfish desires. They don't want to accept money from gay people so they hide behind some ambiguous texts (texts with many, many other ambiguous rules that they don't even bother to follow or even probably know about) to defend their assholery. People will go to great lengths to convince themselves that they're not being mean-spirited dickmonsters.

Hey! Here's an idea! How about the United States Government begin printing two separate sets of currency. Make half of it pink and the other half green. Then these asshole people that don't want to accept gay patrons can stay away from all gay money! Then the rest of us can stick to using pink money (of course, we'll use green when it's given to us as change. Whatever. We're not the bigots! I don't think. Maybe I am! But I'm only really against those asshole foxes trying to befriend all of our hounds. No wait. That's exactly the opposite what I said earlier. Nevermind). Let's see how quickly they start accepting gay money when the pink currency begins gaining value over the green currency.

The Trinity of Sin realize during their fight against Quackers and Venna that they'd have to absorb all of the darkness of Dark Earth. Then they'd have to live with darkness and sin in their hearts! They'd have a real reason to be the Trinity of Sin instead of the stupid reason where they were convicted by a bunch of old wizards for crimes they didn't even commit or couldn't even remember. Then they got to walk around for thousands of years going, "Why the fuck am I being punished again? Curiosity? Helping a friend accomplish his goals? Who am I?" Now they'll get to walk around thinking, "I saved the world!" And while they were walking around thinking that, people will spit on them and call them evil whores.

Earth is regained and Quackers is transformed back into Nimraa.

Nimraa sounds like my old high school friend Soy Rakelson after attending college for a bit. "What the?! Things aren't just black and white? All this gray is bullshit! I'm going to go back to the comfort of my C.S. Lewis books now."

Nimraa leaves a magic sword behind which The Phantom Stranger ultimately claims without any debate on the subject of ownership. The Question steals the darkness from Pandora and The Phantom Stranger and ditches them. Pandora...I don't know. She goes back to her relationship with a baby?

The magic sword was the one that held Doctor Thirteen's soul. So, and this is so obvious I shouldn't even mention it, stabbing him in the chest with it restored his soul and brought him back to life. It's like regaining your memory by smashing your head into a ceiling beam! Total medical fact. And Doctor Thirteen admits to being the Narrator. But then we already knew that, didn't we, readers who pay attention even when they want to be doing something else?

The issue ends with The Question disappearing in a puff of question marks. Then the book says, "The end...?" Yes the end! Just put a fucking period on that statement, you assholes! Enough with your Trinity of Sin garbage! The next time The Question appears, he or she had better have a fucking good reason for it! And since that next time is soon with Greg Rucka writing it, I'm going to guess that there will be!

Trinity of Sin #6 Rating: No change. See that, Trinity? That's called a gift! Merry Whatever! Here's your no change in ranking even though your comic book didn't have a point! Don't let the pellets from my shotgun hit you in the ass on the way out the door!

Trinity of Sin #5

Is this what it's like, as a woman, to sit between two men on the New York subway?

I don't have to admit but I'm going to anyway, thinking about getting a glimpse at the other side of that cube is kind of turning me on.

The Trinity of Sin have gotten themselves trapped inside the Cube of Redemption which has no AC and no rent control. Also, the individual units are crucifixes. And the landlord is a gigantic cosmic duck. All in all, it's more accommodating than any truly affordable apartment in San Francisco.

This issue is narrated by The Question, so be prepared to read the phrase "Who am I?" two or three dozen times. Apparently he doesn't have to phrase every single thought in the form of a question even though that's the way the words come out of his mouth when he speaks. Could The Question be Alex Trebek? No, that's ridiculous. I've never seen The Question correct anybody's pronunciation of French.

The Question goes on and on and on (much like The Phantom Stranger before him!) describing his ordeal while hanging on the cross. Glass vultures attack them which is probably symbolic of something my ignorance keeps me from noting. Then they're attacked by glass turtles and lizards and scorpions and snakes. Crawling beasts of the earth. Once again, der! Duh! Why don't I know about more things?! It's probably Biblical! Didn't Joseph once brag to his brothers that he had a dream in which he had a huge, erect cock and all of his brothers had tiny limp cocks? And Joseph shot hundreds of gallons of his seed into grain silos or something? While hot, naked Egyptian women danced around him seven at a time? Does that have anything to do with glass vultures and glass turtles?

The Question decides that since he's narrating this thing, he'd better be the one to break free from the crucifix and help the others. It would be a little bit embarrassing if he had to narrate watching helplessly as Pandora or The Phantom Stranger broke free as he whined and moaned.

The Question is unable to help the other two sinners, so he decides to run across the desert instead where he runs into a bunch of annoying, naked philosophers.

I swear to you that I did not photoshop all of those "Who am I?" questions just to make my earlier prediction of seeing that question asked two to three dozen times come true. Probably.

The Question recognizes these naked philosophers as aspects of himself from the past so he drives them all away at the point of his Spear of Destiny. That probably would be annoying, being accosted by past versions of yourself. I don't even think I'd be able to stand me from just three days ago. Ugh. What a disappointment!

An angel appears and begins lying to The Question. "All men have souls! All men can be redeemed!" Who is this fucker? The newest coach on The Biggest Loser? The angel's name is The Caretaker, so maybe he is! Or she is! I think angels are sexless because the last thing God wants to keep him up all night are thousands of angels banging the crap out of each other.

Here's the scene where they meet:

Caretaker: "Ques! Ques! Can I call you Ques?"
Question: "Who am I?"
Caretaker: "Who you are is not as important as what you do! You are your actions! I mean, you are what you think of the person that is capable of acting in the way in which you acted! You are not your past because who wants to remember that time you touched your dog's wiener? You are not your past because you might never touch your dog's wiener again! You are who you are now! Right now! In this moment! Hey, Ques, are you listening to me?"
Question: "Sorry! I was just over here touching this dog's wiener."

Oh, I forgot the most important part of their exchange! The Caretaker tells The Question that this comic book is called "The Trinity of Sin" and not "The Question" so get the fuck back to his friends and help them. He finds them still on the their crosses engaged in a riotous pity party.

And from that day forward, The Question knew that not knowing was the greatest knowledge of all!

The Question stabs his cohorts in the heart with his Spear of Destiny which rescues them because philosophy. They then find themselves in a garden where they're welcome to stay as long as they want. Which would be fantastic if not for that whole "leaving Earth to rot at the winds of Quackers" thing. So they choose to go back to Dark Earth and kick some duck ass.

Trinity of Sin #5 Rating: No change. I hope this series ends with The Question figuring out who he is so that he's able to move on. And then he'll leave his hat somewhere for Renee Montoya to find. The Phantom Stranger should find that he was set up and was never Judas at all because duh! Just look at his skin color! Pandora should just join the Justice League where every day, Batman can make some condescending remark about her guns. Mostly, I just hope DC drops this whole fascination with this Trinity of Sin bit that has never really been very interesting and just keeps getting more boring the more they write about it.

Trinity of Sin #4

The Box of Redemption is a toilet!

Is this the issue we find out who The Question is? I bet he was the first sentient person to have a moment of free time because other people were hunting the mammoths and gathering root vegetables and protecting the tribe while he was sitting on a rock trying to avoid the myriad tasks his people needed to keep them all alive for another winter. And suddenly he had a moment of pure unadulterated luxury, free from worry and death and cold and hunger and strife, and he thought, "Who am I?" (In his own prehistoric language, of course!) The question was so foreign to him that he spoke it out loud as another member of his tribe was passing by. The tribesman turned to him and said, "You Zok!" And Zok said, "No, no! But who is Zok? Really? Who are any of us?" And the other tribesman, not realizing that Zok had just invented philosophy, failed to smash his skull and save us all from pretentious bastards sitting in coffee shops centuries later saying, "What's outside this window? Is it just a fantasy? What is reality? How can we ever know anything? What if it's all just zeros and ones?"

Just as the Trinity were about to recover the Redemption Box at the end of last issue, The Question turned on them! Quackers the Cosmic Duck appeared in the sky with a battalion of monster bugs to recover the Redemption Box for herself. If all of these people want so desperately to be redeemed, why don't they address what they did wrong and work to make amends to the people they hurt? Why does everybody think there's an easy fix for everything? That Box is probably just full of snake oil and dog turds.

The first few pages are filled with a lot of The Phantom Stranger's mental masturbation.

Taking The Question prisoner, Pandora and The Phantom Stranger flee from Quackers and enter the heart of the mountain where the Redemption Box is kept. But they can't open the box until The Phantom Stranger fills a few more pages with his pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Why doesn't J.M. DeMatteis just write a novel? Why is he writing a comic book when he seems to invest most of his energy in telling the tale through the eyes of The Phantom Stranger, Narration Box after Narration Box. The visuals are rarely needed and most of the plot points come down to the Trinity either overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers or not overcoming an obstacle using their vague powers. It makes for a fairly boring comic book. But DeMatteis seems to be most interested in documenting The Phantom Stranger's thoughts and his inner struggles. I think that would work much better as a novel where he could spend pages on the inner struggle of each character. That way, the mundane plot points would be better spread out and perhaps feel less like trivial moments that exist simply to create a false sense of the characters' forward progression.

The spell was unbearable! But they bearabled it anyway!

The three eventually touch the Redemption Box together and say, "Taaruu!" Instead of turning into a God so they can defeat Quackers, they're sucked into the Redemption Box where they're crucified upon a bleak, barren plain. Quackers shrugs at their disappearance, takes the box, and heads home.

Trinity of Sin #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. What is the fucking point of this comic book? What is the fucking point of Trinity of Sin in The New 52? Weren't they supposed to have some kind of important part to play? If they're not the cause of the Convalescence, then I'm just going to be left baffled by this entire series. So far, they're just victims that have done nothing but react to Quackers taking over the world. It's mostly just a lesser version of The Blight storyline minus a babysitter as Jesus character. If I felt emotions, I'd be angry that this comic book were stealing so many precious moments of my finite lifespan!

Trinity of Sin #3

"Oh god! What are all these monsters?! And why are we all so overdressed?!"

My 2015 New Year's Resolution is to start shoving a twenty sided die up my ass just before I shit so that I can yell, "Critical!" as I poop.

I reread last month's commentary last year, so I do not remember what had been taking place in this comic book. My memories are currently a hazy collage of shimmering alcohol, sweaty naked flesh, and blood. Holy Christ, so much blood. But I do think Quackers the Cosmic Duck was making trouble for the poor, misunderstood Trinity of What The Fuck Did We Do To Deserve This?

This issue begins with Pandora remembering that time she was visiting the Winslows when she opened a box that released all the evil into the world and then said, "Did I do that?" But eventually she realized that she was just a prisoner of a mediocre catch phrase and she rose above being typecast as the Mother of All Monsters to become The Ray of Hope and Light! Or something. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Does anybody understand this comic book? Do they want to tell me what profound, thematic conclusions they've reached while reading about the Trinity of Sin? I think this series is trying to teach people not to rat out their best friend even when he totally wants you to, and not to open unmarked boxes, and to always be asking, "Who am I?" The problem is I'm always going to rat out my friend if that's what he needs, I'm certainly going to keep opening unmarked boxes, and I'm never going to ask "Who am I?" because I know I'm not the type of person that needs other people to see how fucking introspective I am. I fucking know who I am! And I'm a bad-ass motherfucker!

I bet The Question is pointing at something he doesn't recognize and asking, "Who am I?"

The Trinity have found themselves on Earth That Was or Will Be or Has Become or Something. Quackers the Cosmic Duck is using the guilt of the Trinity of Sin to reshape Earth into Shadow Earth, home of the Cosmic Duck People. But The Phantom Stranger digs deep into the wellspring of his personality which is composed entirely of not wanting to be punished and constantly rebelling against Dog to say, "What if I kill myself before the spell is finished? Will it save the world?" And then The Question said, "Hey! You stole my dialogue! I can tell because it ended in a question mark!" And Pandora said, "I have these guns!"

Quackers the Cosmic Duck quickly gets to first base with The Phantom Stranger because she remembers he's totally into kissing people he's going to betray. Quackers is all, "Mmm! Mmm! Did Christ use any tongue? Should I use tongue? Do ducks have tongues?" The Phantom Stranger loses his mind which is the appropriate reaction to having been kissed by a Cosmic Duck that's actually kind of sexually appealing. Everybody is captured. But Pandora is less attracted to female Cosmic Ducks than the other two, so she breaks free and later frees them from their captivity as sex slaves.

I don't know what kind of contraption The Question is in but I think I want one.

The Trinity wind up in the Woods of Uncertainty outside of Quackers' domain. It's pretty exciting stuff if you're into boring fantasy books that exceed five hundred pages because they're filled with scenes that don't fucking matter. So far, this story feels like J.M. DeMatteis is filling time until he can figure out what this story is supposed to be about. At least I hope that's what he's doing or else Quackers the Cosmic Duck is just a re-skinned version of Blight with some minor tweaks to her history.

And to continue the Fantasy Book Theme J.M. seems to be going with, he gives The Trinity a quest! A quest to find the Box of Redemption!

If this where the Shannara series instead of a twenty page comic book, this page alone would comprise five different books.

Oho! The Box of Redemption, is it?! It will save humanity but, coincidentally, it could also save them! Because don't the Trinity of Sin need some kind of redemption? I mean, I don't think they do. But the characters themselves and everybody they encounter seems to think they need redemption.

I bet Quackers also needs it! Why else would Quackers allow them to go questing for so long without stopping them?

Surprise!

Trinity of Sin #3 Rating: No change. What's in the box? What's in the box!? What's in the BOX!!? WHAT'S in THE box!!!? WHAT'S IN THE BOX!!!!?

Trinity of Sin #2

God is a gigantic Kitten?! Hallelujah! I believe!

Last issue ended with the surprise revelation of Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might be the most powerful DC Villain not created by Jack Kirby. I say "might be" because I know nothing about Quackers the Cosmic Duck. She might also just be another boring character created and written by J.M. DeMatteis. I wish I knew how to write comic books so I could give J.M. some pointers to help him create believable, likable, and interesting characters. I'd say, "J, bro. Can I call you J? What the audience is looking for is three dimensionality! They want to believe that these characters are feeling the feels forced on them by the situation they're in! You can't just have The Phantom Stranger's entire character be 'He wears a fedora and a trench coat.' You have to think up aspects of their personality which cause them to constantly make poor decisions, or to love too well, or to listen to witches, or to believe gossip from the dumbest and least likable of his three daughters. Here's what I do when I want to make a believable character, J. I make a Master List of Personalty Traits. Then I hang that list on the wall so I can refer back to it when I'm writing a scene containing that character. Let's say it's the nineties and I just created a comic book character named Bloodageddon. I'd list his personality traits like so:

1. Enjoys storing things in pouches.
2. Likes to shoot guns.
3. Has an eyepatch or robot eye or something wrong with one eye.
4. Kills wantonly.
5. Comes from the future. Probably. Maybe the past!
6. Always talks tough. Especially when it seems like he's going to die!
7. Best killer ever.
8. I mentioned the guns right? Lots and lots of guns!
9. Cool hair.
10. Muscles and/or bangs chicks a lot.

See? Now I know what motivates Bloodageddon! And I can write issue after issue without ever forgetting what makes him who he is! Maybe you should try that, J. If you do, you owe me $50 for the lesson. This wasn't free advice!"

She's Quackers the Cosmic Duck! She'll fill your ears with yuck after yuck! She'll philosophize and harmonize and tantalize and eat your fries! Then she'll make you question humanity's ephemeral and insignificant place in the chaotic and ever changing univeeeeeeeerse! Quackers! *QUACK*

Quackers sends Pandora and The Phantom Stranger to a place called the Shadowlands. That's right next door to the place souls go when they lose a game of Yu-Gi-Oh. Waiting for Pandy and Phanty are Quackers, Landminotaur, She-Serpent, and The Dolphin King. I think J.M. DeMatteis was told to write a script for a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

A fight breaks out but since it takes place in the arena of Quackers' mind, Pandora and The Stranger never have a chance. But Quackers still needs The Question if she's to use their powers to turn Earth into Dark Earth. See, Quackers is the last of her kind and she's angry that humans get to have parties and eat cakes and dance and fuck and play and eat more cakes while she's had to sit in the dark alone for billions of years. She'd probably have friends as well but God put up a big sign that says, "Don't feed the ducks. Bread is not, and never has been, a part of their natural diet, you stupid humans."

Quackers easily tricks The Question into coming over to Dark Earth because he can't resist a good mystery. He likes to find out the answers so he can say, "The Question knows!" Unless it's the Shadow that knows! Maybe he just likes answering questions. Who knows?

The Sha...SHUT UP!

The Question makes his saving throw against pseudo-philosophical bullshit.

Quackers catches The Question as well and transports the Trinity of Sin to the Rock of Eternity where they first got railroaded in a sham trial put on by asshole wizards. Quackers uses the Trinity's three artifacts to open up a portal of sin and cover Earth in darkness. Essentially it's the same thing that was happening in Forever Evil: Blight only this time Blight is a Cosmic Duck with hooters.

Trinity of Sin #2 Rating: Who am I? And who am I? But even if you can answer those questions, you still have to wonder: who am I? It's times like these that I wish I knew who I was! Or that there were more questions than just that one so that I could get some fucking answers!

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The Question...um, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?

Futures End: The Phantom Stranger #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs hopes dat youse alls pickin up dis broadcasts, ja? Sees it, yer ol' pal Goggs hadda movem dat tenna down onna lower balcony und cover 'er allup inna garbage sacks and brokeded furnichairs. Seems dem Long Boxes gits windy that Goggs graspin a gargaton collection of dem Formertime comics. Dems Long Boxes jacked dem a Dynamite distribution drone what been combin' da sky touchers fer signs of broadcastin quipmens, feels? Dem NB-words sayin ta demselfs and each others, "That shtupid shlut Gogglesh, she thinksh she'sh sho fuckin' great shitting up there in her fucking palash, untouchable, free to shay whatever she fuckin wantsh. Fucking bitch gonna fucking pay! Get our drone down to the corner of Fifth Shquared and have it follow her recording drone back to her hidey hole. Then we'll fucking show her what a real fucking comic book fan can do!"

Ja, ja, Old Goggs know youse wonderem how she knowit what dem monsters uz sayin, bets? Old Goggs gots more techknowhow den recortin' drones, I tells ya true. Dem Long Boxes fink dem da onny fuckin dusters what can apprecilike dis here littyrapture. Gotsta keep tabs on dem and dere nonsenses, sees? Dey mostly inta all dem spank trades by HerSimone anydust, sos Goggles knows dey jess affer her cause she a girl got more brains, muscles, wits, and cajones den dey gots. Hecks, Old Goggs pobably gots a biggertop long john bonger den alluvem puts togedder, feels? Dey also pobably still bits and pieces sore acause a dat raid by The Deep Stacks. Loss mos' a dere bop books and ain't got noways ta see some titties.

Anydust, story shorterfied, Old Goggs hadda blow da recortin' drone ta take outs da Long Boxes Dynamite Drone sos dey coulda na striangulate her. Apologems ta da lower voices fer da short rad and HerSimone porn shower.

Anydusters git dems grubbers onna copy dis here Phantom Stranger Old Gogg jess misfortunate nuff ta have read? Boy, dis here be merde, no? Crapageddon! Why be DC still lettin Dan DiDio fink up dis pseudo-philodogma bullscat? Woulda funk DiDio be done pennin' stink onafter he gettem hisdelf stuck inna comic book in dat lenticulation axdent. Guessin someduster figger DatMatteis able ta translate crapshit inta words what noduster wants ta read anydust. Guess wes ain't gots much choice nohow nopaths anykind seeins how dem DC Delivery Drones jess drops downdown whatevems dey drops and wes jess gotsta suck up dere leavins ifn we specta haff somefin ta reads. Anydust, check some dis fuckfuck, feels?

Ever time, Gogg swears, ever fuckin' times. Youse get bunches a murdermens sittin' bout und dey begins callins each uvver liars. Y'all fuckin murdermen, ya Massengills! Acourse ya all liars too!

Dis here minds Goggs of dis urban been spreadin' updowns da sky touchers last few minutes. Seemin, mayhaps, someduster be organatin a meetin' a da Old York Gangs fer some secret reason (not a Secret reason! Ain't got nodustergang up here Old York way give any calculation a shits bout The Goddess, ya feels?). Mos' paranauts finkin' da big mens behind da ruse be The Illumimasons. But everduster knows dem fucks donnit existem at all, ja? Murder stories fer kinderen, wut dat bein'. But stills, Old Goggs fink dere mayhaps be somefin to da urbans. She gots some friendies allupin da Techknow Ratfinks and she hearded more den one sordid bout shadowy meetings in dem darkdark alleys. Old Goggs ain't got the knowit right now but she keepin open her aurals, what?

So dis here funfun littyrapture book be all bout followin' orders and feelin' obligatored ta acts outta guilt and a desires fo da 'demption. And if'n ya does yer duties and follow dat straights an' arrows, ya gonna git full up riches when ya corpse it. What a loada bullscat, sees? How da fuckity did dat Formertime civilzation fall for dem Ways of the Liard blahblah fer so many round trips? "Don't 'spect nuttin' in life and ya gonna git da major windyfalls post-grave, dumb dumbs!" How dey all fall fer dat scat but all fought The Secret was some upup-nose nonsenses? Old Goggs knows dat dis life be sumfin, even if it jess mosly llusions and missed erections and shiz. Old Goggs feels dis here breathin' and sufferin' and orgasmin good times, feels her? So why she gonna miss out on alla dat fer a skeezy promise from dat cannibal zombie cult? The Secret of The Goddess tellin us all dat goodness be ours heres and nows, sees? Takes it up, puts it on Da Boards, and fink on it til its in yer hands, ja?

Now, Old Goggs didna jess a'cept dat Goddess stuff mitout everdence, aight? No, no. She applicated it early on when da Dusty Stretches didna seem likely ta be all dat long. She gits out a board and she writes, "Old Goggs wanna be Major of Saint Lois so she can tell da councils ta tear down dat stupid fuckity arch." And guessem whats, Scanners?! She and Prof and Skates and Little Tokyo and Cummerbund and Shizgiggles and Tallyforth and Alice B Toklas, we fuckin does it, see? So dats when Old Goggs begin finkin, "Whats if, ya know? Jess whats if?" And she applicated da lessons she membered fum da Goddesses three PM churching, and she beginned gettin ever fing she ever desirem. She gots some shiz manerfestations up onna her board now dat she hopin' gonna come frough real soon, feels her? Real fuckin' soon.

Fuck yo 'ternal sweet rewards. Old Goggs gonna take it all right here y now!

Dat's it for dis week, what? Not much ta say bout dis Dan DiDio Way of the Liard propaganda, sees it? I be 'sposin' DiDio's ideas haff allwaysever been as flat and pretendy dimensionals as he's become now what he bein' a lenticulated represension of his Formertime self. Member, Scanners, keep The Secret! And keep yer kidney shields on straight when venturin' out mongst the lower voices lest ya find yerself a victim of Shivilization!

The Phantom Stranger #22

The Phantom Stranger wages a war against his own sexuality atop God's Penis.

Writing two blogs per day is time consuming! I've had to start seriously curtailing the amount of time I spend masturbating just to keep up on all of my DC Comic books. I have a stack of Ms. Marvel that I'd still like to comment on when I read them even though I've basically given up commenting on Marvel because God didn't make enough time for human beings to do all the things they want to do. What a jerk! I can't wait to look Him in the eye, point my finger right at His nose, and say, "Please don't send me to Hell." But I'll be thinking, "You Jerko Jerk of the Jerkiest Jerks!" God can't read minds, can he? Maybe I shouldn't think that when I meet Him! Maybe I shouldn't have thought that at all! Maybe I shouldn't have put it down in writing?!

Maybe I'll just thank him for that time he aborted my dear child so that I never had to come to the decision myself. God does answer prayers! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

I mean, Goddamn Himself for taking my baby! Fuck His mysterious ways! I didn't learn any lesson at all that was worth the loss of future love and debt!

Sometimes it's fun to pretend to believe in God!

I picture the Christian God as more of a Comic Sans kind of deity.

You know what kind of people I could never be friends with? The kind that read or hear something and determine the source was "trying to be shocking." People like Rusty Brehe! It's the kind of statement one makes when they're offended by something but don't want to give the originator of the offense credit for making them feel offended. You know when I'm trying to be shocking? Never! Because when I write something that makes me laugh, I assume it will make other people laugh. Writers are looking for an audience that take enjoyment from the things they write. Right?

I figured I'd just put that previous paragraph here since I was trying to be shocking earlier. I mean, funny! I was trying to be funny!

The Phantom Stranger curses and wonders why God didn't appear to him as a tiny dog that he could kick across the desert scrub brush. Instead God had to appear as The Font in the Sky. How do you defeat floating words?!

Whose mercy kept him from the fires of Hell? Who's the giant Prick that sends people to Hell? This is like some drunk asshole calling you a name and then threatening to beat your ass for being a dick when you respond with some choice names of your own.

God fights dirty. Instead of punching The Phantom Stranger in the eye so that The Stranger can punch God in His "I", God sends The Stranger back into Philip Stark's body and life the night after The Sin Eater turned everything upside down by stealing Stark's family and killing the babysitter.

The entire story is told using so many Narration Boxes that the panels don't even need to be there. I think the only reason for the art is to replace the "he said" and the "she said" of the dialogue. You can tell even Fernando Blanco was bored drawing this comic book by the slack expressions on the faces of everybody. They all look too stupid to understand what's happening.

Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand what's happening?! Is this how God fights all of his battles? I remember He tried this trick once in that book by Nikos Kazantzakis! This must be The Last Temptation of Philip J. Stark. It's the only way God knows how to test people.

God: "So? You think serving me your entire life was so bad, do you? Well, let me show you what your life would have been like if you'd had a spouse and some kids! You'll be begging to by my puppet again!"

I think most people share common ground in their understanding of good and evil. The only person's take on good and evil that I find confusing is God's!

I've resized it to fit the parameters of my blog (Tumblr, not Blogspot. Sorry, Blogspot! My pics tend to be a smidgen too big for the site) but when I originally scanned it, it was 666 pixels! Spooky!

I'd also like to point out how hell is created by each individual person. If you noticed that I had God speaking in Comic Sans above and were annoyed by it, it's your own fault. If you never want to see Comic Sans again, delete the fucking font from your computer! You've had the power all along!

The Phantom Stranger is learning about imposing Hell on himself too! Why do you feel you have to be exposed to Comic Sans, Stranger? Because of what you did to Christ? Come on! Christ wouldn't blame you. He used you, you dumb dumb! You should be angry at him, not yourself!

Dog finally appears when The Stranger has had enough of hallucinations and madness and cries out to Him for help. He explains to The Phantom Stranger that thing I got to first about Hell being created by each individual. Dog has never punished The Stranger. Some strange mystic council has never punished him. The Phantom Stranger has always believed he needed to be punished. It is Judas Iscariot's greatest sin: the belief that he could sin so greatly that he could never be forgiven. Christ forgives all; Christ redeems all. So to think one is above redemption puts one above Christ himself! And so, The Stranger accepted any punishments and tortures given to him by jerko DC writers and editors.

The Stranger offers to trade his life for Zauriel's and thus wins the battle against Dog. Or The Font in the Sky. Or himself, actually. Anyway, Zauriel comes back to life but gets to appear as a woman because The Stranger hasn't accepted his homosexuality. Or maybe, I guess, he's not gay at all. And Zauriel wants to fuck The Stranger, so he appears with the genitalia that The Phantom Stranger finds sexually enticing. Then The Phantom Stranger and Zauriel fly off to find a new life! Oh, and Terrance Thirteen tags along because they're all into that kind of thing?

The Phantom Stranger #22 Rating: No change. Like The Phantom Stranger himself, this book lost its way a long time ago! Mostly it was just Dog fucking with The Stranger. But now that Dog's had his fun, it's time for The Stranger to figure out if DC can finally come up with a good story for The Trinity of Sin since it's gone nowhere multiple times now. Do Pandora, The Question, and The Phantom Stranger have anything in common or has DC just thrown their hands up in the air at this point and said, "Fuck it!"? I guess we'll see at some point. But not in this comic! It's over, right? Except for the Futures End issue! Right?

The Phantom Stranger #21

If The Phantom Stranger is actually Judas Iscariot, why is he such a goddamned white guy?

I might have to reread this entire series because I'm suspecting, judging by this cover and last issue, that it's been a homoerotic romance novel this entire time. The only issue I have with that plan is that I don't actually want to spend any more time going back and rereading this series.

The Phantom Stranger has finally defeated the man whose life he stole, Sin Eater, and now feels guilty for having ruined the guy's life and having taken everything from him. So he's beginning an adventure to help redeem the serial killer, Philip Stark.

Come on, Stranger! You're not doing this for Philip Stark! You're doing this for yourself! The Phantom Stranger just can't live with the guilt of having stolen Philip Stark's family. Even though Phil was going to kill his family and The Stranger saved them by destroying Stark. So The Stranger doesn't owe this guy anything. Look, Stranger. Haven't you realized yet that nothing you do ever makes you seem like a good guy? Dog is manipulating you at every turn and you always wind up betraying and hurting somebody. Can't you just live with being a dick since Dog says it's for a good reason?

You know how people say God works in mysterious ways? That's such a fucking cop out! Not because they're basically shrugging their shoulders and accepting whatever crap God throws at them. But it's not an answer that points out that God is always working for the greater benefit of the human race. Somebody's family gets killed by a tornado and they accept it because God works in mysterious ways. Sure, if God planned the tornado to kill your family, you definitely don't know why he did it, so it's mysterious. But why do you accept that it's mysterious for a good reason?! Maybe he just fucking can't stand to look at your smarmy face and wanted to hurt you as badly as he could!

The Stranger brings the naked Sin Eater to the room of teenage babysitter, Chris the Redeemer.

No, it just speaks volumes for how far he'd go to soothe his guilty conscience.

I hate Chris the Redeemer. Not for any logical reason. I just think he's a shitty character and a shitty idea.

J.M. DeMatteis: "Hey! I know! Let's set up a character that's analogous to Jesus Christ!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Doesn't Know the Difference Between the Arctic and Antarctica: "I don't know. We might step on some toes and then we'd have to apologize because that's what you have to do if you accidentally step on somebody's toes or else they'll try to get you fired and turn the entire world against you."
J.M. DeMatteis: "What?"
Stupid DC Editor Who Thinks Ann Nocenti Has Writing Chops: "Oh, um, nothing. I mean, what's the twist?"
J.M. DeMatteis: "Okay, okay. Get this: his name is Chris Esperanza and he's a babysitter!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Tells Lobdell To His Face That His Run on Superman Was Epic: "I don't get it."
J.M. DeMatteis: "Chris! As in Christ! And Esperanza! Which means Hope? As in redemption? As in Redeemer?! Chris the Redeemer! And he's a babysitter because he's taking care of everyone!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Loved Rocafort's Design for Twat Lobo: "Um, sure. Okay. Hey, do you and Giffen have time to do another title? I was thinking of rebooting Boy Commandos except they'd be forced to have a girl join and wackiness could ensue as the boys have to deal with a girl trying to get by in the wilderness! Great idea, right?"
J.M. DeMatteis: "Have you looked at a calendar lately? 2014. Not 1961. Two thousand and fourteen!"
Stupid DC Editor Who is Stupid: "Come on! A great idea is a great idea! I can already picture one scene where the girl's tent falls down on her in the rain! Ah ha ha ha! Why aren't you writing that down? It's gold!"

I should submit a pitch for a rebooted Boys Commando comic book! Although I'd probably fill it with pedophilia jokes, so it'd probably fare better at Image.

Speaking of pedophilia jokes, I like how the florist in Bob's Burger's town is called Petalphilia. Speaking of puns, I like how the food cart down the street from my house is called Fried Egg I'm in Love.

The Stranger heads back to Terrance Thirteen's penthouse to find that he couldn't even handle taking care of one angel. He may be rich but I don't think he has a toilet big enough to flush Zauriel. So instead, he's handing the body off to a bunch of freelance angels.

So "What's grosser than gross? A truck full of dead babies" is another person's truth? And "What's grosser than that? The live one eating its way out" is somebody else's? People are weird!

Zauriel's body is taken to a ghost town in Utah where The Phantom Stranger and the angels cremate it. After that, the Mormons convert Zauriel to Mormonism.

The angels point out that Zauriel was also a fallen angel since he went against Dog's commands when he chose to help The Stranger put together an eighteen issue crossover.

Homosexual romance novel!

Apparently Zauriel was Judas's private guardian angel. He followed him from his birth. He was even there when he took up with twelve other white guys on some Canadian camping trip or some...oh wait! That's when he was a disciple of Christ! Why are they white guys?!

To bring Zauriel back from the dead, a human champion must fight for him. But The Phantom Stranger is all, "But I'm not gay!" Then he turns into a tornado and disappears. But Terrance Thirteen steps up and accepts the challenge! That seems a bit foolhardy. He's no Phantom Stranger!

Terrance Thirteen and The Phantom Stranger should star in a remake of television's Perfect Strangers. I wouldn't watch it but it's an idea!

Terrance Thirteen learns what his challenge is: spend a whole night in a haunted house without leaving. Or try not to be killed by a gaggle of evil angels. One of those.

At first Terrance seems to be doing a pretty good job but then he hears creaking on the stairs and a rattle of chains and then he sees the eyes move in the portrait over the fireplace and he says, "G-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!" As he runs out of the haunted house, The Phantom Stranger returns to clear things up and to convince everyone he isn't really a homophobic jerk.

I mean, he is. But he doesn't want everybody believing it!

In the end, The Phantom Stranger is told to forget the haunted house and the evil angels because he's going to be battling The Font in the Sky!

The Phantom Stranger #21 Rating: No change. I really feel like I've gotten a hell of a lot softer as a comic book reviewer over the last few years. This comic was decent enough to hold my interest and nothing about the story or plotting or writing annoyed me. So, you know, good job this month, J.M. and Fernando and Cliff and Gabe. But I feel like I'm not hating on DC Comics enough! I think they've warn down my feisty attitude! That's why I can't wait until this fall when they release the multiple disasters they're going to release! Twat Lobo! Deathstroke by Tony S. Daniel. Klarion the Witch Boy by Ann Nocenti! It'll almost be like the days of Rob Liefeld! Oh the joy! The anger! The unrepentant personal attacks on the family members of the writers and artists merely trying to earn a living! My heart swells with joy at the thought of it all!

The Phantom Stranger #20

That necklace has too many pieces of silver. Fucking DC! Stop making such stupid mistakes!

Just for the new people in town, that caption was hyperbole! See, DC makes a lot of mistakes. But I really wouldn't go so far as to expect them to remember that The Phantom Stranger only began with thirty pieces of silver and has, since then, lost some and given one away. Fuck, I wouldn't expect most people reading this comic book to bother counting the pieces of silver. But since I'm a Biblical Scholar of Some Note, I couldn't let a moment like this pass without being a bit condescending and didactic about it.

It seems The Phantom Stranger and Madame Xanadu are still dealing with The Crack in Creation. This really sounds like a porn movie. And now The Spectre has arrived wondering if anybody needs any mystic pipe laid.

Bom chicka wah wah.

The Phantom Stranger is perplexed that The Spectre wants to team up with him and The Spectre replies, "I don't like it any more than you do." Does everybody else always hear that phrase in the voice of Strother Martin? Does anybody else know who the fuck Strother Martin is? Or do half of you simply assume the phrase was Axel Rose putting on a voice before singing a pretty decent song ruined by ending it with the line "What's so civil about war anyway?"

The Spectre points out to Madame Xanadu that he and The Stranger will be doing God's work now, so the women will have to stay behind. Madame Xanadu has probably seen some of the future and could probably offer The Spectre and The Stranger some advice before they go but she decides to remain silent because fuck them and their little misogynistic God.

The Spectre takes The Stranger to a secret place where they'll be probing some cracks. Don't worry! It's for the good of the universe! It's gotten to that age where it needs the occasional digital examination of its various orifices. During their examination, they discover a problem deep in the universe's colon.

Gross! I don't want those things inside of me! I wonder if I can clear them out with this gerbil?

Meanwhile Zauriel dies of being wingless while in Dr. Thirteen's care because he was too stupid to ring a fucking bell. Dumbass.

Back to the Universe's rectum, The Spectre and The Stranger are stripped of their mystical identities and also their clothing, laid out naked before Sin Eater and his master Natas the Rottweiler. Where is Dog the Scottish Terrier when you need him? Why is it always when you need Dog the most, he's off eating some other Dog's shit? He just allows people to believe that He's with them when random happenstance affects their lives in a positive way but then forgets that showing up when people actually need Him would probably go a lot further than pretending to be around when some team wins the big game. If Dog really wanted worshipers, He'd make a big show of healing the sick or striking down horrible people with bolts of lightning. Since those things don't happen, shouldn't we assume He doesn't give a fuck about being worshiped? I mean hypothetically since He doesn't actually exist, obviously! I've never seen a Scottish Terrier in my life so I why would I fucking believe in them?

Natas the Rottweiler (who is looking more and more like a Great Dane lately!) decides to give one of the two mystics a chance to live. But first they must fight each other to the death, naked! Also they must refute the Lord and live separate from salvation for the rest of eternity, damned for all time in a lake of hellfire and serving the Dark Lord until all time ceases to exist. But that part is in the small print in the contract, right after the part about fish feasting forever on their genitals.

Bom chicka wah wah.

I understand that naked men fighting isn't actually sexual. And when I look at it and project sexuality onto it, it isn't because of an out of control porn culture. It's the exact opposite! It's because I was raised in such a fucking puritanical country of nonsense that all naked people are instantly sexualized. When you refuse to allow children to see nakedness, you imbue nakedness with mystery. When you tell children they're not old enough to see nudity (when they can see themselves nude constantly!), you create a sense of adulthood to nakedness. So now whenever a child first sees nudity, it's almost invariably in a sexualized context. And that was before the age of the internet. Now any child or teen or adult can see any nudity they want on the internet even if they're constantly told it's a bad thing. And, once again, most of the images of naked people are sexualized because that's where the Goddamn money is.

Look at it this way. Now if kids want to see naked bodies, they go to the internet. In the eighties, you stayed up late watching cinemax. Before that, National Geographic was a pretty good place to see naked bodies. Now those weren't sexualized at all. But because of our culture that shames nudity and frowns upon children seeing nudity, kids looked at the images and found them sexual. But they were of people who lived in societies where nakedness was matter of fact. So now I'm stuck with this mindset that when I see two naked men wrestling and straddling each other, I automatically think they're engaging in sexual activity!

See? Bom chicka wah wah! Um, it is kind of weird that the dog is watching though.

Hmm. Apparently I wasn't very far off on the gay subtext in the previous pages.

This is so romantic!

Once The Spectranger begins defeating all of Natas's army, Natas skedaddles, leaving Sin Eater to face the wrath of The Spectranger! Or maybe just The Stranger since the two of them separate once the army of lost souls is defeated. And The Stranger is too soft to be full of wrath. So he punishes Sin Eater by leaving him as a morsel for the Lost Souls only to recant his decision when his soft, unmanly feelings bubble up from his uterus. But it's too late! Philip the Sin Eater is nothing more than a babbling, naked, bald madman. The Spectre says, "Good job! I didn't think you had the manly parts for that! Those parts being the non-uterus parts since obviously feelings come from the uterus!" Madame Xanadu probably saw that part earlier which is why she didn't want to help out anyway.

Now that the universe is saved, The Spectre goes back to hating The Stranger and The Stranger decides to walk off into the sunset with a naked man.

Bom chicka...okay, even I think I've done that enough already. And I love a good, oft-repeated callback!

The Phantom Stranger #20 Rating: No change. There were a lot of naked people in this comic book! But no actual nipples or genitals. So it really wasn't different from any other comic book where the super heroes wear skin tight clothing that makes them naked everywhere except for in the crotch and the nipple area.

The Phantom Stranger #19

Hey! Hey! Listen to me! I have a really funny joke! "Sometimes it sucks to be the Phantom Stranger!" Get it? His mouth is wide open like he wants to suck a dick! OH! Also, he's being sucked down some mysterious hole!

Sometimes people don't know what to write about but they still want to think of themselves as a Writer. I don't know why anybody would want to be a writer if they didn't have anything to write about. Stop dreaming about being something useless! Go play video games instead of banging your head against a blank notepad saying, "I have Writer's Block!" Here's a quick assignment to help you get past your Writer's Block! Go to Wikipedia. Hit the random article button wherever the fuck it is on that page. Then write a story about whatever topic comes up! You can do it a few times if you need more help. Here, I'll give you an example! I'm headed over to Wikipedia right now!

Main topic of story: Kilum-Ijim Forest.
Now that you have a main topic to write about, use your imagination!

Brokeback Kilum-Ijim Forest
By Grunion Guy

Deep in the heart of whatever continent the Kilum-Ijim Forest lay in (or lied in! Fix that up in post!), there lived a guy that didn't know he was gay. Unless he was a monkey. Can I use gay and monkey right after each other? I think I can unless that's bestial homoeroticalism! Anyway, he was definitely a monkey because being a monkey is going to be a metaphor for being gay to trick homophobic people into feeling empathy with homosexuals when they feel their hearts break because of the monkey's sad story that you are going to hear soon.

The monkey whose name was Roman lived in a tree deep in the heart of the Kilim-Ijim Forest. He was living with a monkey without a cowboy hat but it didn't feel right because he had to close his eyes when he did it with that monkey. And when he closed his eyes, he always pictured a monkey in a cowboy hat. Oh boy did he want to do it to the monkey in the cowboy hat really badly. But the other monkeys frowned on monkeys doing it to monkeys in cowboy hats for some reason. It was probably because their monkey Bible said doing it to monkeys in cowboy hats was the worst sin ever! Even worse than the list of ten sins that were supposedly the main sins! Why wasn't the doing it to monkeys in cowboy hats sin on the list of the worst sins if Monkey God hated it so much? That was nearly the biggest mystery in the Kilum-Ijim Forest!

But the biggest mystery deep in the heart of Roman was where he could find a monkey in a cowboy hat. But that mystery would be solved by the end of the story! Because this isn't one of those stories written by depressed Germans like Kaka and Neatsheets where Roman would die never ever finding a monkey in a cowboy hat to bring meaning to his existence because there is no meaning ever in anything! Why even tell a story like that?! What's the point except making readers mad at you for being an incompetent storyteller?!

A biggerer mystery deep in the heart of the Kilim-Ijum Forest was where Roman got his cowboy hat that he kept hidden in the closet. But that mystery won't be solved with this story because some monkeys are just born with cowboy hats and nobody knows why because monkeys aren't that into science and DNA and gnomes and stuff.

So one day while Roman was just hanging out in the Killem-Ijum Forest eating bugs off of a stick, a monkey smoking a cigarette swung into the Kilium-Ijit Forest! But the cigarette wasn't the important character trait of the new monkey (at least not until the super sad ending)! The most important character trait was the cowboy hat that he was wearing on his monkey head! Roman was very happy to see the new monkey and also did not have anything in his pockets. The new monkey's name was Ramon.

Deep in the heart of Roman's closet, the cowboy hat box was empty because Roman decided to put it on his head and go up into the tallest tree in the Killium-Ijium Forest with Ramon. You see, Ramon also liked doing it with monkeys in cowboy hats which Roman had discovered through his use of Cowboyhatdar. Up in the tree, Roman and Roman did it in that special way that they wouldn't do it if one of them wasn't wearing a cowboy hat. It was romantic. It was steamy. It was disgusting. Except it wasn't disgusting because they were wearing cowboy hats! It was disgusting because they were monkeys!

After they did it in the special way that cowboy hat wearing monkeys do it (which is super different than the way I do it all the time! Loads!), Ramon smoked a cigarette. "Oh man, that's a good cigarette," he said. Roman ate a banana. Then they put their cowboy hats back on (which they took off so they could relax and not keep wanting to do it constantly) and did it again while looking lovingly into each other's eyes.

But then tragedy struck as a tree branch broke! Ramon fell out of the tree and tumbled to the floor of the Kilit-Ijit Forest where he broke his back! His cowboy hat and his cigarette fell just out of his reach. "Roman! Roman! Help me!" he cried out in agony and desire. Roman scurried down the tree where he found Ramon struggling to grasp his cowboy hat. "I can't quit...," he began before crying out in pain. Roman picked up Ramon's cowboy hat and put it on his head.

"I know, Raman, I know," said Ramon. I mean Roman. Ramon scowled and knocked the hat off his head and continued to struggle for something on the ground.

"No, Roman, no! Please...please...my cigarette! I can't quit...smoking," Ramon said and then died. Roman took Ramon's cowboy hat, kicked some leaves over him, and went back home to see if his previous mate might not want to wear a cowboy hat sometimes.

The End!

See how easy that is? Writer's Block, Shmriter's Shlock! Writer's Block is just a sign that you're lazy!

What was it I was ignoring to write my story? Oh yeah! The Phantom Stranger #19 starring Madame Xanadu the Phony Baloney!

That thick, obstinate saltiness, Madame Xanadu? I think it's called semen. I mean sea air!

This issue is called "The Crack in Creation" because there is a crack in creation. Superman almost flew into it last issue but decided against it because he stopped feeling like a murderer at the last second. Now Zauriel is lying in bed saying, "I'm losing my damn mind! I'm dying. Help. Don't let me die." But he's speaking Old Portugese [sic] so nobody in the room understands him. What they do understand though is that he's sweating profusely and shitting himself. So they've gotten the message. He's dying!

I know how to cure him! Ring a fucking bell already! He needs his wings back! Idiots!

Another crack is forming in San Francisco, so The Phantom Stranger takes the opportunity to pop in and flirt with Cassandra Craft some more. Little does he know that idiot Madame Xanadu is already there waiting to cock block him.

Or maybe some other mystical force has already set up a cock with which to block him.

Meanwhile in the outer reaches of Heaven, Sin Eater and his master, Natas the Rottweiler, speak their vile plans aloud! Sure, it's a bit unorthodox for an Evil Mr. Smartypants to reveal his plans without a hero strapped to some torture device in front of him. But you do what you have to do to make sure the reader knows you're behind all the horrible stuff happening in the universe. Not that anybody thought somebody other than The Sin Eater was behind all the current chaos in this comic book. But now we have a clearer picture of his plan which is to crack Heaven open like a piñata and rain angry ghosts down upon it. During the chaos, he and Natas will take over the world!

Meanwhile, although it wasn't mentioned on the cover, you can tell a really old school voice is writing this comic book by the way the characters are over explaining everything.

That voice this issue is Len Wein.

Anyway, The Phantom Stranger saves the world by kissing Cassandra Craft. Also, Zauriel manages to make his dying words not count by saying, "Tell him that I always lo--". Always what, Zauriel? Always lose at poker? Always look forward to the McRib? Always love a good reach around? What were you trying to say, angel?! Anyway, he might not actually have died. It's ambiguous for now!

Once The Stranger and Xanadu save Craft from the Crack of Heaven, The Spectre appears to kill everyone's buzz. "Let's get our vengeance on!" he screams as he flexes his pectoral muscles and fucks an Old Testament.

The Phantom Stranger #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. This entire issue just seemed like a bunch of stupid bullshit. Sorry, Len Wein! If you want to feel better about my criticism, just remember that I can't stand Madame Xanadu and I also seem to not like comic books as much as I thought I did! That's why the subtitle of this blog is "I Revile Comics!"