Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Justice League of America #1

What kind of asshole buys every cover of a $5.99 comic book? I mean besides Bryan Hitch's mother.

Is there a reason we need a Justice League affiliated primarily with America? Did the Justice League need a license to keep operating in the United States? Or does the "America" include all of North and South America as opposed to just the United States which is all most Americans think of when they hear gun control. I mean yogurt. I mean America. My mind must be on something else right now! You might want to go read something that's going to make more sense but will probably discuss masturbation way less.

This issue begins with a DC Comics fan asking, "Why do I need another Justice League book with the same characters?" It's followed by DC Comics punching the fan in the stomach and then kicking them in the head after they've fallen to the ground (because they lost their breath after being punched in their big fat gut) and yelling, "Shut the fuck up, loser! You love me! You can't live without me! Now give me your fucking money!" Then DC Comics rips the wallet off the chain it's hooked to, rips out all the cash, throws the wallet on the ground, squats over it, sprays piss all over the fucking place, and then runs off laughing. It's a really aggressive start to a new series! I like it!

After that scene, we get fifteen pages of just Bryan Hitch's name printed over and over and over again. That should get the blood pumping in all the labias and penises of even the fans who were fairly disinterested in this title to begin with. After reading Bryan Hitch's name that many times in a row, their private parts will be practically frothing and/or quite moist and/or ready to explode, depending on certain factors that I'm unable to fully explain having never had a decent sexual education class in my life. Although at San Jose State University, a sexual education class was mandatory. The only thing I remember from that class is that on the last day, we watched a half hour porn of two old people fucking. I think it was supposed to be enlightening and heartening that people are fully sexual beings until the day they die but being that the room was mostly full of twenty year olds, it was received with dry heaves and lots of "Like, this is totally like gross and like disgusting, for sure! This is like not tubular like at all!" That's my best California accent.

Did you all I know I was a Valley Girl? Well, actually a boy but that wasn't the name of the movie. I just lived in the wrong valley! I grew up in Silicon Valley so I know all the super secret secrets of the technology biz. Like how they call it "biz" instead of "business." And how Atari cartridges weren't just plastic boxes with magic mysteries inside; they contained computer "chips" with programs etched into them by Druids. I should know because my mother worked at Signetics in the late seventies and early eighties. She was laid off when all of you assholes stopped buying Atari Video Game Consoles. Dicks. It's your fault I know what Food Stamps are!

The issue actually begins worse than I pretended it began. It shows Superman failing to save the world from a circle of lights and then floating off into space defeated. Oh no! Another threat that can defeat Superman and cause lots of destruction?! That's so fucking exciting that my dick just flew around the room! Thanks a lot, Bryan Hitch! The only way to catch it is to drop my pants and bend over. Fuck.

So after a few wasted pages of ultimate destruction and Superman failing to save anybody, we finally get to something I want to read about!

I'm glad I scanned this because my dick stopped by to check it out and I was able to grab it.

What I didn't scan was how everybody else in the office of the Daily Bugle were dressed as if work was not a cocktail party. But I guess if you're Lois Lane, life is your cocktail party (emphasis on the "cock"! And possibly the "tail" too!). And don't worry about Lois's right leg in the above scan. I'm pretty sure Bryan Hitch was using the Deformed Leg Filter.

I do have a reason to scan the entire page now so you can check out the non-cocktail garb on everybody but Lois!

Presumably she's at her old desk now waiting for Clark to get in. How the fuck does the sun get in your eyes all the time at a desk in the middle of the building? If only the writer and the artist had better communication!

Meanwhile at The Maw (that's the prison in Metropolis where super villains constantly break out), a super villain is breaking out.

Superman flies to New York to attend that important event put on by The Infinity Corporation. Oh, they must be the geniuses of all geniuses because their name is Infinity. They may as well have called themselves the Big Brained Smarty-Pantses That Are Way Smarter Than Everybody Else and We Know Who Superman Is Too Corporation. You see, the "dress appropriately" bit was a clue because beneath the main part of the invite was Superman's shield reproduced in lead foil. You know, so that he would see it when he used his Magic Vision to check for anthrax. Is it common knowledge that Superman can't see through lead? Or is that just Infinity Corporation knowledge because they're so fucking smart?

This story takes place on Earth-Hitch.

This scene is evidence that really good comic book writers should head back to DC to write comic books again! Look at how Editorial didn't force Bryan Hitch to rewrite his entire concept just because it takes place in a world where nobody knows Superman's secret identity! During the first year or two of The New 52, this would have been thrown back in Hitch's face and he would have been ordered to do a rewrite of months of work and he would have refused and walked off the project and DC would have brought in Scott Lobdell to completely ruin the story. But now DC just shrugs their shoulders and turns over while putting the ball gag in their mouth.

What Superman discovers is that the Infinity Corporation's name is a little too on the nose and not about being arrogant at all. That Superman at the beginning? Not the one from Earth-Hitch. He's just one of many pulled in through some Multiversal Superman Collector built by the Infinity Corporation.

The alternate name for Infinity Corporation was Dead Superman Storage but it was deemed even more too on the nose than Infinity Corporation.

Superman is acting a little bit more aggressive than I'd like in my Superman but since he never explodes into punches and violence, it's fine with me. He's being threatening because he's not being told the whole truth. But when he sees the pile of Superman corpses, he still doesn't fly into a tornado of kicks and punches which is a good sign. I like a Superman with patience! When you're invulnerable to nearly everything, you can afford to hear what other people have to say before knocking them unconscious. Although another Superman is about to arrive at Earth-Hitch and this one is alive! So Superman might have to punch himself since most Supermen have no patience at all.

Helpful hint for anybody ever finding themselves in this situation in the future: stay away from pronouns when delivering desperate, last words. Unless, of course, you're trying to sow confusion and chaos.

After Vincent smashes his lab because he failed to keep an alternate version of Superman alive for the 61st time in a row, he introduces himself to Superman as the man who is trying to save Superman's life. But should Clark trust him?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Meanwhile at the New Metropolis Clean Energy Power Plant (that's the power plant that super villains totally want to destroy for kicks), a super villain is setting a plan in motion to destroy it for kicks.

Aquaman is currently busy quelling the fears of the United Nations by not quelling the fears of the United Nations. They're all, "How do we know you won't destroy us landlubbers if you won't sign this horrible treaty that doesn't benefit you at all and gives us all the power?" And Aquaman is all, "Fuck your treaties, you manipulative bastards! Y'all are too used to thinking everybody wants to give up all of their power seeing as how they sign fucked up contracts with cable television providers and cell phone companies." And the United Nations is all, "But we're scared of you! Let us dominate and subjugate you so that we can sleep soundly!" And Aquaman is all, "Not my problem, biznitches! Aquaman out!"

On Earth-Hitch, Aquaman is still on good terms with Atlantis.

Back to Superman and Vincent, Vincent is a genius so of course he's rude and doesn't have time to actually explain anything to Superman. That's really convenient...for the writer! What Vincent does manage to say is no surprise to anybody reading comic books: the whole future is about to end. Fuck you, Bryan Hitch. Fuck you right in your pretty mouth! You know the day comic books began to bore me? The day writers reached the point where they couldn't produce any kind of tension in a story unless the fate of everything was on the line. Comic Book Writers escalated themselves right into Boresville. First the Fate of Lois Lane. Then the Fate of the Daily Planet. Then the Fate of Metropolis. Then the Fate of America. Then the Fate of the World. Then the Fate of the Universe. Then the Fate of the Multiverse. Then the Fate of All Time. Then the Fate of Every Fucking Thing Ever To Exist Ever. And that's where things have been for about ten to fifteen years now. Everything is always at stake. No wonder people like Batman. At least he generally just sticks to keeping Gotham safe. But even his world escalated to the end of the line around Knightfall.

Vincent isn't a genius. He's either a schizophrenic or a character written by somebody with a fairly normal intelligence.

You know who else makes grand statements that they completely believe and expect everybody else to believe as well? Every single looney guest on Coast to Coast AM. So if this genius has just told us that time is not a linear creek but it's a stormy ocean full of fish feces, I suppose that's what it is! And how does that matter at all? Oh yeah! It doesn't because now is all that matters. But if now is all that matters, then can Superman fuck Vincent in the face because it will soon be the past and then Superman can stop feeling guilty about it because the past doesn't matter? And if the past isn't fixed, how come I don't keep not existing and existing and overexisting every second?! If the past isn't fixed, then I never killed that hobo, did I?

Vincent the Genius's plan is for Superman to not die. Easy peasy! But Superman is all, "I don't know if I can do that!" And Vincent is all, "But John Stuart Mill?!" No, no. Actually he mentions Star Trek.

This seems like a confusing example because Spock gave his life for the needs of the many.

Superman is all, "Bah! You're as bad as Madame Xanadu! I won't be tricked into keeping myself alive just because you need your car washed and a pizza delivered!" And Vincent is all, "Wha?!" And Superman is all, "I'll never listen to Madame Xanadu again! End of the world, my ass, if her car isn't freshly waxed and smelling of fresh pepperoni."

Over on Earth-Hitch, Hal Jordan isn't some renegade with a funky ass glove. He's still sporting the power ring and the pilot's haircut. He's arrived to make sure the Clean Energy Power Plant goes online without a...hee hee...hitch! Wonder Woman and The Flash are there and The Flash declares the place is clean. I think that's because he's pretending to run around searching for anything weird because Batman easily spots the Station Wagon sized casket with the blinking green and red lights on the side. I think The Flash was the person Superman was saying not to trust! Careless idiot.

Wait a second! How is this a Clean Energy Power Plant when Green Lantern's invitation to the "major incident" at the plant says "Nuclear Power Facility"? Are we allowed to call Nuclear Power "clean" simply because it doesn't produce air pollutants?! What about all the fucking atomic waste that nobody fucking knows how to dispose of?! I thought this was some kind of comic book solar power factory or some design of Lex Luthor's to turn envy into steam! I hate everything!

The creature in the casket is a guy who's gotten a little bit too much exposure in The New 52: Parasite! He sucks off Hal Jordan until Hal Jordan loses consciousness and then realizes he has to battle Batman. And Batman has nothing The Parasite wants.

Oh Batman. Please do less research and spend more time practicing your one-liners. Also, nice to see you aren't dead on Earth-Hitch!

I'm just having a good time with the Earth-Hitch stuff. I actually like when comics can tell their own stories without being wrapped up in every minor detail of every other current story, like everybody knowing Superman's identity and Atlantis hating Aquaman and Batman being dead and Green Lantern not being a Green Lantern! Such minor quibbles! What I like about it is that it's only bothersome to readers during the months the stories are new. It seems weird to continuity hounds reading this with all that other shit going down. But by next year, people will just remember this story and remember the other story and they'll fit within the timeline in their minds however they need to fit. Obviously this takes place before all that of those other stunts DC is pulling to try to lure in new readers!

Flash and Batman get knocked out because The Flash is dumb and arrogant and doesn't listen to Batman. That leaves Wonder Woman to almost get eaten by The Parasite who has grown to immense proportions. All that's left to save them is Superman but is it worth risking the end of all time and space?! Well, duh! Of course it is! That's his girlfriend!

After Superman leaves, Vincent and his assistant talk about how they didn't tell Superman everything and they can't yet trust him and it's all too risky and nothing we've never heard before in scenes exactly like this one across all the comics always.

Aquaman meets up with a missionary visiting Atlantis bringing the word of the One True God. He was trying to find Olympus so he could tell the Olympians that they weren't real but he missed the left turn at Albuquerque and wound up under the Atlantic Ocean.

The fight at the Energy Plant isn't going so well. Also, in case the invitations weren't a clue, it's revealed that The Infinity Corporation set it up. I guess it's an important part of the plan to save the future (which doesn't matter because it's fluid and not now which is the important thing. No wait! Now is the important thing! I mean the "now" of you reading this not the "now" of me typing this because that's long in the past which doesn't matter or hasn't happened or something).

Jesus Christ. Is the Justice League Book of One-liners literally just one line long?!

The Flash, in order to escape from Parasite, runs around the Earth really fast twelve times but then can't stop because fuck you. So he needs Superman to catch him so he speaks while running faster than the speed of sound which means Superman has no possibility of hearing him before he runs through the power plant again. Of course, being a comic book (and also fuck you), Superman does hear him. But he's unable to stop him because fuck you and comic books. Instead, Barry Allen runs into Hal whose ring is opening a wormhole to Oa (which doesn't exist anymore because fuck you and comic books) and they're both knocked into the wormhole where they disappear in a comic book fuck you. Wonder Woman has disappeared because she was hearing voices so it's up to Superman, Batman, and Cyborg to stop Parasite.

The plan is to hook Parasite up to the power plant and light the entire country drawing power from the Parasite. Now all they have to do is feed him puppies and kittens and America will have free power! If you don't mind the murder of thousands of puppies and kittens. Which I think most people don't mind because hardly anybody donates to developing only no-kill shelters. Vile miscreants! At least now the puppies and kittens will be giving their lives for the greater good. Like Spock!

After Parasite is drained of his power, Batman kicks his teeth out for good measure. Then Superman, being The World's Greatest Detective's Best Friend, realizes that everything is connected because of the invitations. Not worrying about where Diana, Barry, or Hal wound up, Clark asks Victor to BOOOM Tube them to New York so they can confront the Infinity Corporation. The only problem is the Corporation is gone. But an alien ship arrives to greet them! What a coincidence! And the alien ship looks like a crucifix so that must be Double Plus Good, right?!

Christ. Another god with a savior complex.

Justice League of America #1 Rating: It isn't as great as it wants you to think it is. It's a little bit V by way of The New Testament with a detour through a Rube Goldberg device. Why did they have to fight the Parasite? Probably because the plan was to get Hal and Barry and Diana and Arthur out of the picture when Superman first meets Rao. Or the Infinity Corporation are trying to defeat Rao and they needed the Parasite Plot for yet explained reasons. I don't know. What I do know is that I probably would have liked it better without the Infinity Corporation telling Superman that they've seen the end of everything and it all needs to be saved. I would rather have had some mystery people not yet explained setting up the Parasite battle which eventually would be overshadowed by the appearance of Rao. That probably leaves the readers with more questions but at least it drops the fucking plot crutch where some person who knows the future tells the characters about how the future must be stopped which sets them in motion. At least stopping the Parasite is an end unto itself. And then Rao appearing as a savior is just another thing that the heroes need to deal with. Now they can be approached by a mysterious group who would be all, "Dudebro! Rao is bad for everything!" And Superman would be all, "Nuh uh!" And the Infinity Corporation would be, "Yeah hunh!" And Batman would be all, "--tt--." I just think the series is trying to be way bigger than it needs to be. It's like Jazz Hands set to five million RPMs when it really just needed a few good shakes ending with a knee slide.

Monday, June 29, 2015

All Star Section Eight #1

Oh! Oh! I know how this series will end!

Sixpack and the rest of Section Eight are going to be such complete nuisances and waste so much of Batman's time that it'll force Batman to resurrect Tommy Monaghan so that Hitman can keep Section Eight in control! And then Garth Ennis gets to write another run of Hitman!

The first thing I noticed about the cover was that Sixpack was probably fucking the Bat Signal. You just can't see his dick flopped out of his fly because his leg is in the way and he's drunk so little Sixpack isn't really up to the task. The second thing I noted was that the issue number doesn't have the tiny mini-series print "1 of 6" like on Bat-mite and Bizarro. Does that mean Garth Ennis is going to tell this story until he's done telling this story? Or does it just mean DC Comics made a mistake that will dash what little hope I have left against the rocks of ultimate despair? The third thing is I'm not drunk. I think I should be drunk while reading this. But I have to work tonight. I don't mind driving to each store drunk but it might be a little dangerous operating a floor buffer while intoxicated.

All Star Section Eight begins with a flash back to the Preboot Universe. You can tell it's the Preboot Universe because Superman and Batman have their underwear on the outside of their costumes. Plus the Narration Boxes are describing a time when super heroes were heroic and their battles meant more than just protecting their own lives and reputations.

The Narrator must be Sixpack because he goes on to say how the greatest heroes of the time always talked about the greaterest heroes of the time being Section Eight. That seems a bit farfetched! Unless they were constantly talking about them because they couldn't believe Section Eight actually existed. Especially Bueno Excellente.

And his dong! I didn't know you could show dong in a Teen Plus comic book! This is exciting!

The Narrator mentions a battle where Section Eight fell protecting the world and Sixpack sacrificed himself to save that world. But what happened to Sixpack? Where does the story go from there?

The scene opens on an art gallery in New York's Chelsea district where art critic Sidney Speck amuses the crowds with his bon mots and tales of gauche poseurs of the art scene. One of the guests at the opening mixes up the drink orders. Sidney winds up with a rye and coke instead of the diet coke he ordered. You see, Sidney is an alcoholic! He can't touch alcohol or he becomes...he becomes...he becomes an embarrassment.

I have to imagine one thing the Avengers and Defenders never talk about is how Bruce Banner completely shits and pisses himself every time he transforms into The Hulk.

Sidney rushes over to the bar and chugs a pint of whiskey before coming around and finding himself in his Six Pack costume inside Noonan's with Baytor still tending bar. Hacken is hanging out at the bar. He's still missing a hand which he lost during zombie night at the Gotham Zoo. One of the guys in the crowd looks like Nat the Hat but that would be impossible even if this were a comic book where demons tend bar and seals become zombies and drunks dressed in super hero outfits piss themselves during a minor fugue state in the middle of the dance floor.

But Dogwelder was alive in the Sneak Peek! I think Six Pack might have memories of another universe!

Sixpack mentions that Bueno Excellente is still alive. Of course he is! He was part of Matches Malone's gang in Batman Incorporated!

That's semen. It's possibly Lobo's semen. Or, more probably, Bueno's own semen he felched out of Lobo's ass. That's not a joke. It's a more than likely pretty apt description of Lobo's only encounter with Bueno Excllente.

Sixpack goes through his Little Black Book of Potential Superheroes to audition new members for Section Eight. They're all various Bloodlines characters that didn't make the grade. Basically no Bloodlines characters made the grade except Hitman. Okay, maybe a few had some minor appearances here and there. But DC Comic's grab for trademarks disguised as a huge summer annual crossover really didn't create any hit characters. Except for Hitman! Bloodlines was a pretty shit stunt but since I was reading The Demon at the time and Hitman made his first appearance in The Demon annual, I have to credit it for giving me one of my favorite comic books of all time.

Sixpack's new team is composed of Dogwelder (probably Dogwelder II since the first Dogwelder was, you know, white. Also killed), The Grapplah!, Guts, Bueno Excellente, and Powertool. That's six members! Sixpack just needs two more. Baytor seems pretty excited to join which would leave one last open spot for Batman. Probably.

This might be the most disgusting moment in any comic book ever. At least up until Bueno actually sodomizes Guts.

Batman does indeed drive through the neighborhood so Sixpack runs out to ask him to join. Sixpack also shits himself on the way. Batman doesn't really give Sixpack the attention a drunk man in shit and piss stained pants deserves because he has to deal with a meter maid and an ATM and constant costume changes. Plus he needs a really dramatic moment for McCrea to draw and make some extra cash on the original pencils.

Although to get top dollar, it really needs to have the word balloons added.

Batman does not join Section Eight. But now Sixpack is thinking big! Next issue, it's time to recruit Green Lantern!

Section Eight #1 Rating: This comic book gets Batman exactly right. How have all the other comic books been writing him so poorly for so long?! Overdramatic Batman who must deal with all the same problems of being a person living in a city is Real Batman! I know when I hit an ATM and then head back to my car, I whisper dramatically, "Got to move fast!" Sometimes before I use the ATM, I'll whisper loudly, "One. Last. Chance!" I bet this is the Batman that Catwoman fell in love with! And seeing Bueno Excellente back in action is just as disturbing as I'd hoped it would be.

Catwoman #41

I don't understand this cover but it looks great.

Catwoman! She used to be a cat and a woman! But now she's a mafia person and a woman! I'm glad she's always a woman because meow! If she were Catman, she'd be gay. I mean bisexual. But she's not gay! She's, um, bisexual! Oh my God! Catwoman and Catman are the same person!

Why does DC Comics equate being bisexual with being a cat? Is that an Urban Dictionary thing I don't know about?

Let's play a game! Who is the correspondence in this issue going to be from?! It's got to be from a woman who was in power and it's got to be old enough to be hardly understandable even if it's in English (and you understand English which I'm assuming you do since it's the only language I sort of have a grasp of)! That probably means it'll be from Queen Elizabeth! I don't think any other women were allowed to be in power until 2060. And then she was only was allowed to be President of the World because she was half robot.

The issue begins with Catwoman running a scam on the Falcones. She switches the Falcones monthly offering to Black Mask with sequential bills so that Black Mask cannot spend the money. Although I don't see why not. I'm supposed to believe that police departments are competent enough to somehow track money back to the person who spent it just because the serial number is being tracked? I think that's a myth! I'm not going to buy into that myth anymore and neither should all you big drug runners and mafia types! I guarantee you won't be caught spending sequential bills! I stake my life on it! If any of you get into trouble, you have my permission to rot in jail while I laugh and enjoy my freedom.

Selina is still on a Lucretia Borgia kick so her correspondence is just the motto of Cesare Borgia: "Caeser or nothing." Actually she says it in Latin first but since comic book readers are unintelligent bores, she translates it for us. I mean for them. What it means is Catwoman is turning Gotham into a place where if you don't side with the Calabreses, you get nothing.

Selina runs into Oswald Cobblepot at the opera so Cobblepot might think "Caeser or nothing" means "Penguin or shallow grave." He's learning things through powerful old timey women too!

After the opera, Selina Kyle hears of Batman's death.

I guess she's sad that she'll never ever again be told how she's fucking up her life at every turn.

Eiko stops by to take advantage of Selina's grief. Or to comfort her. Tomato, tomato pronounced differently than the first tomato.

Alvarez and Keyes are still in this comic book. They've been assigned to investigate the murder of an ex-cop turned private investigator named Bill Turner. They see it as punishment for investigating their own trying to find out which cops are on mafia payrolls. They've been working with Selina because they're on Selina's payroll and should be investigating themselves. No wait. I think it's okay to work with a mafia leader if you're not taking any money and you're helping her to figure out which other cops are working for other mafia leaders but accepting money for it. I'm sure they wish Ann Nocenti never dragged them into this comic book.

The mafia stuff takes place and it's mafia stuff that takes place. Loyalties are challenged. Bodies are counted. Leaders are overconfident. Little friends wait patiently to be introduced. You all know the drill!

Selina lets Antonia take care of the business with negotiating a new truce with the Falcones because she needs to go search for the real Batman because having sex with a Robot Batman is dangerous.

The moon is so low in the sky, it's in front of some clouds. I sense a company-wide Eclipso crossover coming!

Catwoman #41 Rating: No change. Except for the comic book needing a serious change of pace, I'm still a bit unclear as to how Selina Kyle gets to be head of the Calabrese family. So Rex told some people she was his daughter and that's that? Is she really his daughter? Why was this an acceptable move on Rex's part to put her in charge? Why are there so many characters that I can barely keep straight? At least Ward discovered Selina was Catwoman this issue which probably means her time as a Godfeline is almost over.

Constantine the Hellblazer #1

I had a different caption here but I was being a whiny baby so now you have this caption and a mystery!

One night when Constantine was still a television show and the world was a wonderful place full of hope and optimism (of course gay people couldn't get married in every state then but who wouldn't give that up again to get Constantine back on the air, amirite?!), the opening credits to Constantine began playing on my television. My cat Pelafina was sitting on the floor in front of the television minding her own business when the screen filled up with all those writhing souls before the name of the show appears. As soon as she saw them, she hunkered down low to the ground and began a quick combat crawl toward the television. That moment in the credits is pretty quick and after a couple of seconds, they were gone. When they left, she straightened back up, looked around, and went back to staring at other dimensional creatures that only she can see the way cats usually do.

The New 52 Constantine was mostly a boring fuck who was constantly pining after Zatanna. He was a complete bell end. There was no real tension or sacrifice in his life. Every month he would just cast a spell which he just warned everybody was the most dangerous spell in the world and then he'd be okay. Hopefully this series will consist of John finally paying the price for all of those outrageous spells he was casting just to impress Zatanna. And maybe the Nightmare Nurse a little bit too.

This issue begins with a blood covered naked John Constantine suddenly appearing in a shop while Narration Boxing a swear word (it's bleeped out but at least it's a curse!). The title of the story is "Going Down." I think that's violating all the Comic Code Authority rules at once except for the one about no monsters. Although John's cock might count as a monster if he wasn't covering it up with his hand. Although if he can cover it up with one hand, it's probably not a monster. At least not yet.

This is a nice enough bit of introduction to explain to the reader that this isn't a super hero comic book.

James and Ming make sure Constantine's bisexuality makes an appearance on page three just in case anybody's paying attention. Sure, he says he fucked a ghost but he probably fucked Gaz when Gaz was alive so that's definitely homosexuality. And John's been known to put his pee pee in the vicinity of Zatanna's ovaries which is probably heterosexuality. Put them both together and what does that spell? I don't know. I'm drunk.

Constantine acts as his own narrator as most comic book characters do these days although he's much better at it than Roy Harper. He's actually giving the reader a feel for his life and the darkness which he thrives in. He wants those traveling with him for the next few decades (optimism!) to understand that they will be seeing terrible, horrible, awful things and to maybe not judge him so much when he barely even notices them. Not a wince. Not a dry heave. Not for good old John because he's been waist deep in demons and gore since the tail end of puberty.

Constantine ditches Gaz and the other ghosts following him for a nice curry with chips and a side of strapping young cock.

Okay, maybe the cock's not on the menu.

Now I want a curry. One time in Berlin, I had street curry. It was the best curry. Because it was on the street. Currywurst. So good. I'd probably have to go downtown to find a curry cart in Portland. And then it wouldn't be the best curry because I would be downtown in Portland. Blarf.

Oh my. I stand corrected. Look who just made the happy ending menu. Happy hour! I meant happy hour!

Constantine is perfectly right about one thing: chatting is nice. In comic books at least! Fuck actually chatting with real people! So awkward that they won't just touch my penis. I have to get to know them first? But chatting in comic books? Great! Awesome! Build some fucking character guys! Why would I care when Oliver's lungs get sucked up his throat by a demon if I'm not able to have some nice moments with him first, you know?!

John's flirtation is interrupted by a demon named Blythe. Blythe has stopped by to fuck Constantine. Blythe also needs help banishing some imps from the club Blythe runs. It's a little place called Inferno which Constantine points out is a bit on the nose because, well, it's a bit on the nose and some character had to mention it so that critics of Tynion and Doyle can't!

The club is entered from the top floor where patrons head down, down, down through all nine circles of Hell until, I suppose, they wind up in Satan's mouth? That sounds like a good time!

Blythe is an interesting character. A bit of a Desire wannabe with a love of calling John "rude." And the trip through Inferno is cutesy and well plotted. It reads a bit like a Sergio Aragon├ęs cartoon if he were allowed color or to draw inside the margins.

Blythe walks Constantine right across the Ninth Circle (Treachery! Although no sign of Judas or Satan) and into the business partner's office where Blythe locks the door and expects John to kill the partner. See, Blythe can't collect souls or send demons to Hell or Blythe goes to Hell too. But if John sends Blythe's partner to Hell, Blythe gets to keep the Inferno Club which captures souls and sends them to Hell, factory-like, without getting Blythe's hands dirty. So John, to keep himself alive, conducts an exorcism on the partner. But he flubs the final line because, to get even with Blythe for manipulating him, he wants Blythe to jump in and finish it, thus sending a creature to Hell which means Blythe winds up back in Hell as well. Such a Hellblazer thing to do!

Constantine making friends.

John's ghosts show up on the final page where Gaz points out that Frank the Ghost is dead. Really dead. Like dead dead. Apparently you can be deader than dead because Frank is that. He's the deadest. It's a mystery to be solved by Trixie Constantine!

Constantine the Hellblazer #1 Rating: So far, so good! And one of those three words (one used twice!) I really wasn't able to use very often when describing The New 52 Constantine. It was often boring. This one at least has things happening and has John being John and has swearing and smoking and sex with demons! It also has a Constantine in a thigh high duster which is a bit weird but I guess it's modern or something? Whatever! This version of Constantine works! So far.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Earth 2: Society #1

Earth 2! Featuring nobody you remember from the Golden Age!

I hope by the end of this issue, Helena and Oliver terraform the planet and it destroys everybody, replacing them with the Justice Society. I was really hoping World's End and Convergence was going to put Earth 2 out of its misery. But here it is still on life support and as much heroin as the nurse will allow it. I hope somebody doesn't accidentally trip over the plug to the respirator!

The issue begins with Batdick climbing the walls of Macross City. He's under attack by somebody. I'm sure it'll be somebody recognizable since the only people that exist on this planet are the Earth-2 Wonders that survived Convergence and the citizens of Earth-2 who escaped on the TSS Endurance. Unless maybe Skartaris still exists in the center of the planet and all of the time traveling bad guys will eventually escape. Until then, I think the bad guys of the planet are The Huntress and Doctor Impossible and Green Arrow who might actually be Red now. And I wouldn't say they're actually bad guys. It's more like they and the other Wonders have a difference of opinion. One side thinks Planet Brainiac should be terraformed into a perfect look-a-like of Earth-2 while the other side thinks it should remain a figment of Alan Scott's imagination. One side is very, very wrong although I think I'm probably supposed to be siding with them. Whichever side has Batdick is probably the side the reader should be rooting for.

Batdick is after Terry Sloan, the original Mister Terrific who now goes by Mister Eight because fuck if I know. I don't know if he's trying to save him from a sniper or capture him. Terry Sloan is the smartest man on New Earth-2, so the "good" guys may just need him to fix their computers full of porn viruses thanks to Power Girl.

Looks like Batdick is trying to save Sloan from Johnny Sorrow and the Ministers of Truth. That sounds like a gang from The Boomer Bible.

Since this is all taking place one year after Planet Brainiac's conversion to New Earth-2, we need some flashbacks to figure out what's going on!

In the flashback, Dick Grayson remembers enough of World's End and Convergence to satisfy anybody smart enough not to have bothered with them. Green Lantern and Telos transformed Planet Brainiac into a new Earth and shoved it into a binary star system in a Goldilock's orbit. Green Lantern then set off a beacon to call back the survivors of Earth-2. When they arrive in twelve separate ships, Terry Sloan causes them to crash in twelve carefully chosen coordinates. Luckily Green Lantern is around to save the lives of New Earth-2's new citizens. No thanks to Terry Sloan! I hope the Ministers of Truth kick his ass!

Dick Grayson is saved by Mister Terrific (the new Michael Holt version) and declares they've arrived to build a better world. Ha! Not if Green Lantern can help it!

Back to the present, Batdick takes a moment to check on some kid to make sure it's not his kid. Fucking father of the year still can't find his son, enh? After Batdick feeds the kid's dog some chocolate, he returns to rescuing Terry Sloan.

I guess the Ministers of Truth show their faces and whoever sees them (even themselves) goes mad?

Terry Sloan gets away leaving the reader with a whole lot of explication, a few mysteries, and a story that might work if Daniel H. Wilson can figure out the pacing. He also needs to work on what needs to be said and what can be left out. I think this issue would have been better off telling most of its tale in the present and telling only so much of the flashback as Dick Grayson would have been aware of. The ships coming in and then mysteriously crashing. Maybe seeing Green Lantern helping out and then his rescue by Mister Terrific. Fill the pages you've saved with more interaction with Johnny Sorrow to get the reader interested in the story that really matters. The back story can be filled in tiny portion by tiny portion and in a variety of imaginative ways that don't need a flashback scene that walks us through every single moment. Do writers and comic book companies fear readers closing a monthly title with lots of questions? I think they like to stick with just one because they probably think readers are dumb. So the big question this book leaves us with is this: who is Terry Sloan afraid of?!

Earth 2: Society #1 Rating: I'm afraid this book is going to get overwhelmed by all of the characters. It really should just be Earth 2: Batdick. Twenty pages every month isn't a lot of room to deal with multiple characters. Especially when Earth-2 comic books have been going on for three years and we've yet to even come close to any kind of Justice Society group. How about simply dropping the Just Forget About Us Society and give the lead to Dick Grayson?

Gotham Academy #7

Oh great. This is going to be trouble.

I'm not totally jealous of Damian Wayne right now at all and I'm not crying or nothing either. Maps is probably just excited to have another potential player in her "Serpents and Spells" campaign world she's created. Or maybe she's excited to have the child of billionaire Bruce Wayne join the Pizza Club because somebody has to be able to afford the pizza. Unless she's just super excited to have a boy her age finally going to Gotham Academy.

I guess the art duties are being taken over by Mingjue Helen Chen who did the art in the Gotham Academy Sneak Peek. I'm disappointed because I really loved Karl Kerschl's work on this comic book but I'm not that disappointed because I think Mingjue's style fits well with this book.

This issue is called "Curse of the Inishtree Quill" because it's basically just become a Trixie Belden book, or Encyclopedia Brown, or the Baby-Sitters Club. I think. Was that last one about solving mysteries or fending off the unwanted attentions of straying husbands?

Maps is currently ignoring her teacher reading "The Raven" because she's creating new party members for her "Serpents and Spells" game. She's adding some classmate named Eric Jorgensen because she hasn't met Damian Wayne yet. Her character sheet looks something like this:

When the teacher, Mr. Scarlet, asks Maps about the madness and despair of the speaker in any poem by Poe, Eric stands up and screams, "Raven!" He's about to attack the teacher when Damian tackles him and saves the day. I don't know what he saved the day from but it was definitely a day saving move. Having learned a little something from living with Batman for the last few years, he lectures everybody on his way out. Maps kicks Eric off the team and decides Damian is the guy the Pizza Club needs. Wasn't that covered on the Cover?

Olive is gone for a few days so this is just a Maps story. I don't hear anybody complaining, right?

Later while Maps is spying on Damian, she writes in her notebook, "Ultimate Power Team: Maps Mizoguchi + Damian Wayne." As soon as she does this, she and Damian are compelled to hold hands and not let go. You see, her quill has been infused with the magic of Mr. Scarlet smashing Poe's The Raven down upon it. Perfectly reasonable explanation. But now Damian and Maps need help getting their hands unstuck. Well, Damian does but I think Maps probably doesn't mind all the touching and finger caresses.

Pomeline knows more about magic and making up reasons for Damian and Maps to hold hands than I do. Mind control feather quill! Of course! Duh!

This could all be fixed except the stupid raven stole the quill because he was all, "This isn't my feather but I'm taking it back! I'm taking them all back! Nevermore!"

Do you think ravens are completely confused why every human in the world looks at them and says, "Nevermore! Nevermore!" I bet they love going to trailer parks where nobody knows the poem and they just shoot at the ravens instead. It's just a nice change of pace.

Yes, I just equated poverty with ignorance and violence! You would too if you'd spent as many weekends as I have at a Karaoke Bar in Lincoln, Nebraska, just down the road from a trailer park!

Pomeline screams, "The quill!", and shoves Damian out of the window. Maps follows being that they're stuck in the pre-kissing handholding phase. Damian manages to grab the window ledge because he's Robin and thus has plot immunity. At least I think Robins that have been killed once already and returned from the dead have plot immunity!

Maps is going to rock that grapple slut's world on their wedding night.

Maps and Damian swing across the courtyard and crash through a window, landing at Kyle Mizoguchi's feet. Kyle, just like everybody else, attacks them but Damian uses Maps as a weapon and knocks out Kyle. Typical guy! He's got a terrific girl at hand (who probably isn't interested in him at all except for his terrific fighting abilities) and he uses her as a mace. In retribution, Maps uses Damian as a Kleenex (tm!).

How is Damian going to explain the Grapple Gun later? I suppose it's easy enough to believe that the son of the owner of WayneTech can throw a big enough tantrum to earn himself a Grapple Gun.

This story is more believable than Endgame and I get the feeling it's going to wind up being the daydream!

Okay, it isn't really more believable than Endgame. I wish you nerds didn't force me to feel like I needed to clarify that. Fucking nerds! Why can't dumb people appreciate my site?

Maps and Damian decide maybe Professor MacPherson can help them out since her dog barked at a bird which totally probably wouldn't have happened under anything except magical circumstances.

That sounds plausible. But it's also possible that this is a masturbation fantasy because Maps really needs this kind of convoluted, mystical fantasy mystery to get off.

Professor MacPherson takes the kids out to the cemetery where they find the Pizza Club doing weirdo zombie things. Damian and Maps tie them up and then they see the raven with the quill in its mouth. Damian pulls out a Batarang to knock its block off and Maps gets that much closer to coming.

The raven drops the feather which is when Mister Scarlet appears and warns them all not to touch the Inishtree Quill because it carries Avian Demon Flu. That's why all the other kids were acting so crazy. Mister Scarlet takes them to the infirmary right after he points out that Damian and Maps can release their grip on each other. Which they do because this must be the denouement part of the masturbation fantasy which means Maps, you know, is, um, done.

Well, I guess Damian doesn't really have time for school anyway, what with a dead father to bury and a pet gargoyle to take care of and helping Alfred open jars.

Before leaving the school, Damian gives Maps a Batarang. I have a feeling that, from here on out, whenever we see future stories where Damian has taken over the role of Batman, Maps should be his Robin. But I don't think we have to worry about Maps figuring out Damian is Robin and Bruce is Batman because she's no Lex Luthor.

After Damian leaves, Maps falls asleep with her hand still stuffed in her underwear.

Gotham Academy #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is actually the kind of thing I've been wanting from DC Comics! Fun stories which you can let be and ignore their unintended consequences on the rest of the DC Universe. Although I'm sure it bugs the shit out of a lot of readers that Damian would be so careless with his (and thus his father's!) secret identity. And so what if Maps, not being a complete moron, figures it all out? She'll tell Olive and Olive will say, "You're nuts." She'll tell Pomeline and Pomeline will say, "Stop spazzing off, retard." She'll tell Kyle and Kyle will say, "That's nice, sis." She'll tell...well, that's probably all she'll tell before deciding it's her little secret which she'll someday parlay into becoming Robin.

New Suicide Squad #9

New Suicide Squad Death Toll: 0 (Men-Bat don't count)

The issue begins with Floyd Lawton getting a light from a small boy. He's smoking his cigarette in the rubble of some war-torn city. He's enjoying a quiet moment under the stars. Am I hooked from this opening? Have I been left wondering, "Where is Floyd? What has happened? Did he suck that small boy's dick for the cigarette?" Hey, you ask your questions; I'll ask mine.

By the way, I wasn't left wondering any of that. I was left thinking, "Am I supposed to feel something here?" Maybe I can force myself to feel something! I hope I don't prolapse my rectum from the strain though.

I'll get to the part where I try to force myself to feel something later. For now I'd like to point out that page four begins "Four weeks earlier." That means the first three pages where Floyd bums a cigarette off the kid and does a little stargazing was supposed to hook me. I was supposed to be wondering what happened and feeling a tingling excitement begin to radiate across my frontal lobe. Or whichever part of the brain causes curiosity and feelings. The heart part of it, maybe?

So four weeks earlier, Floyd is still hanging out in Belle Reve. I bet I don't learn anything about him in the next few scenes! I bet Nick Lachey reveals more about himself in the Twix advert than Sean Ryan reveals about Deadshot.

Lawton is brought into the briefing room to learn about a new mission. His trigger finger is completely healed because Deathstroke isn't very good at ending careers, I guess.

Am I supposed to know who the cheery dude is?

The chirpy guy can only be one of two people, right? Reverse-Flash or Boomerang. I assume it's Boomerang but why is he so perky? I would totally approve if that were his personality and he completely got on Lawton's nerves all the time because he was so happy-go-lucky. But I have a better chance of fisting an elephant than having an upbeat member of the Suicide Squad. Oh, sure, Harley is upbeat. But she's a special case and she's only on the Squad to sell comic books. I want a real member that greets every day with a smile.

The next page doesn't reveal who the other white inmate is so I guess I'm supposed to have already figured it out from the superb art and the outstanding way Sean Ryan differentiates his characters. I'm sure the problem is inside my own head. Although Victor Sage is back and working side by side with Amanda Waller, so I guess somebody straightened out that problem. Maybe Amanda put a nanobomb in Vic's head too?

Manta mouths off, Vic asks him politely to let Amanda finish, and Amanda thanks Vic. Who are these people?

Waller's mission briefing consists of a long speech about some group calling themselves The League (modern cool minimalist directness or unimaginative pap? You decide!) splintered off from The League of Assassins. Her main point is that they're very, very dangerous. But it isn't enough to tell comic book fans that some threat is the most ultimate threat imaginable so Sean Ryan has Boomerang(?) say in a poorly punctuated way, "They're bad guys, Waller, we get it." But then Waller says sternly, "No, you don't." HOLY FUCK! The League must be a super duper pooper threat like none ever seen before!

How about this plan? Kill everybody you can on the way in. Don't actually go in. Kill more people. Leave. No?

Except for the first three pages that were just fucking wasted trying to make a moment to hook the reader that really didn't fucking do anything but waste three pages, I'm actually enjoying this book. This could be a decent core for the new Suicide Squad: Lawton, Digger, and Black Manta (who I think has a name in The New 52 but never did before so it's not in my memory pipe). Now they just need a handful of characters that the reader will actually believe might be killed, and this'll be a real Suicide Squad.

But fuck man. Those three wasted pages are killing me. That's money out of my pocket!

The other three members of the team are Harley, Reverse-Flash (whose name isn't hyphenated in the panel in which he's introduced so now I'm questioning my choice to hyphenate!), and Parasite. Seems like another team with no disposable members. There's a slight chance Parasite will "die" but he'll come back again having regained his life through sucking the life energy out of other people or something. Or they could just get a new Parasite. Maybe some DC Editor just never took to Bike Messenger Slacker Parasite. Was it too on the nose?

I can live with this team and this banter. This makes me feel like I'm reading the team I used to love.

The infiltration team of Deadshot, Boomerang, and Manta are sent into Turkey to meet up with Tomorrow Thief. When last we saw the Tomorrow Thief, he had been thrown into a volcanic lake and left to drown by Mister Terrific. I guess he didn't drown. But he did lose his French accent! Bon riddance!

Tomorrow Thief takes the crew to meet with the members of The League who test infidels trying to enter their ranks. They're tortured and quizzed and eventually thrown into a cell. Presumably they passed or else they'd be dead. Later they're taken to a desert where three "heroes" are frozen solid. The three Squad members are given baseballs and told to shatter the frozen people. Sure! Why not? They're already dead, right? I mean, I know in comic books, you can be completely frozen in ice and survive without any problems as long as somebody melts you out. But since it probably wouldn't really work that way, these people are dead. And not like Lawton, Harkness, or Manta have never killed anybody anyway! It's practically the main point of every mission. It's like the second or third bullet point on this mission's list of objectives.

They're videotaped by The League smashing these people into ice cubes after which they receive warm fuzzies from The League's leader and wander off into Part Two.

New Suicide Squad #9 Rating: +2 Ranking. The first part of their mission is a success! And nobody died! I mean, nobody important on the Squad died! Which normally I'd whine and moan about but members aren't supposed to die every issue. The reader just has to believe that there is a chance that one of them might die. Right now, I don't believe any members will die. But I'm actually enjoying this series again. Can we lock in the characterizations now? This is a good place for these guys to be. Except for Vic Sage. Who cut off his balls? My guess is he's working for Checkmate and he was told to play nice with Amanda until he gets his orders from Bishop.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1

Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!

This comic book might be titled "Red Hood Loves Arsenal" but I highly doubt it's going to satisfy anybody's slash fiction needs. No throbbing cocks will be entering any puckering anuses here. Jason Todd will not be guzzling Roy Harper's cum. Roman face masks will not be seen anywhere. If you're looking for that kind of 21st Century family entertainment, you won't find it written by Scott Lobdell. Although you might find some of it written by me as I write about Scott Lobdell's comic book. So, um, welcome! I'll try to write an erotic felching scene later.

Can felching be erotic?

The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.

Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?

Roy Harper is sitting in a desert in Arizona telling jokes to himself. Or he's telling them to the reader. But he shouldn't be talking to the reader so I'm going to assume he's explaining his own jokes to himself for some reason. It doesn't make any sense but neither does having him talk directly to the reader to explain his jokes.

See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!

Roy continues to talk to himself after which he Narration Boxes to himself. I don't know what the difference is. At one point he Narration Boxes, "When I say 'me' I mean Roy Harper." Does he often have to remind himself who he is?

The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.

Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.

I'm only on the fourth page and I just threw the comic book down and yelled, "FUCK!" Will somebody please stop allowing Scott Lobdell to write young people?! There's only one thing I can't stand more than young people and that's old people trying to act like young people! See the panel above? That "me/not me" bit began the bubbling blood and the throbbing vein on the forehead. But then on the next page, Roy contacts Tara Battleworth to let her know that her covert secret desert meetup between drug dealers and a state senator probably isn't going to end as well as she'd like it to. She only gives him ten seconds to explain himself so he says (choking back vomit while typing this), "#setup. #turnaroundandgetout." Fuck you. I wouldn't have been pleased with it but at least have the letterer type out "Hashtag setup. Hashtag turnaroundandgetout." Also saying "hashtag" in front of everything isn't cute. Trigger Warning: Old Man. Hashtag fuck you all.

Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.

Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.

Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"

Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?

Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!

Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!

He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!

One and a half pages of story and half a page of Twix ads later, the Senator sits up double fisting some pistols and blowing the poorly mixed paint out of Palette. I allowed myself to be so distracted by my hatred and anger that I almost forgot Red Hood always turns up in disguise!

It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!

Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.

Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!

Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.

Starfire #1

Her finger is glistening because she's a filthy sex pervert.

Starfire has moved to Key West because she'll fit in with her costume that looks like a bikini and her skin that looks like a horrible spray tan. Plus it's apparently okay to masturbate in public. I should move there! I bet I've masturbated in every building I've ever been inside of! If you've invited me into your home, I probably jerked off somewhere in it. It's probably a mental issue called Jerkophilia so you can't criticize me, you unfeeling offensive jerk! I may or may not have jerked off in an empty park after dark on the way home from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken when I was seventeen, depending on whether or not you would be completely grossed out by that revelation. It was probably the way those tight polyester pants fit across my crotch. It also could have been because I was seventeen and I thought of half a boob.

Have I primed everybody up for the sexy romp we're about to take with Starfire? Or are you all just feeling a little queasy now?

The issue begins with Starfire telling her story about how she was kept in a woman's prison with sexually depraved women convicted of womanly depravities. Boy, I wish I knew more about that kind of stuff. Maybe Lord Google's Image Search can teach me more about it! Oooh! Whoa! Interesting! Here's one of the things I learned about "womanly depravities":

Sexy! Right? I'm feeling...squooshy? No?

Starfire is telling her history to her new best friend in the whole world, Sheriff Gomez! I hope they become best friends with benefits because I wouldn't want to see Starfire have to go without health insurance.

Cute is for kittens! Starfire is erogenous!

Starfire has nothing of value that she's willing to sell except maybe a few jewels she found on the starship she stole. I don't think she can sell the ship because she crashed it on a desert island and used it as a den of depravity where she depraved Roy Harper on a constant basis. He didn't deprave her though because he wasn't very good at doing it and Starfire was too good at doing it.

Starfire sells a diamond and is all, "I do not English! It is funny, no?" And everybody is all, "No. Take off your top." But Starfire is all, "I will take off my top but only when it is my idea and when it can showcase my power and it will not be to titillate you self-diddling comic book monkey monsters. I mean, 'What is top? Do you mean my head?'"

After crying about dead old people which wasn't sexy at all, Starfire and her new best friend decide to have some beers. It's okay though because Sheriff Gomez doesn't work until later, so getting drunk won't be a problem right now. You can tell Starfire gets drunk almost immediately because she begins contracting her words. She also slips immediately into some of her perverse womanly depravity fantasies.

A woman's vagina looks like a star over a pistol?! I mean, um, that's hot! Look at that vagina! Oh yeah! Just like all of the other ones I've seen!

A fight breaks out in the bar because two men can't control their carnal lusts when Starfire speaks with them. She obviously wants to deprave them if she deigned to acknowledge their existence while also drinking beers. That's how dating works, right?! A woman says, "Hello, good sirs, how are you?" And the man says, "Do you have a condom preference?"

Yes, Kori. Please try to avoid talking with men.

After shopping for a new outfit, Starfire is shown to her new temporary housing. It's a trailer in a trailer park and it probably will be safe enough when the hurricane passes through. Her landlady is an old woman named Tina and her instant womanly depravity interest is Boone, her grandson. He's the handyman, if you get my drift. Did I have a drift? I hope that was a drift.

The scene shifts to Sheriff Gomez's brother who is part of the coast guard or something. His name is Sol which probably means he'll be depraving with Starfire any page now. Also he lost his wife in a hurricane two years ago and he hasn't been in the mood for a good depraving since, even though his coworker Raveena has been shoving her depravities in his face for months now. But I bet Starfire will have just the right combination of innocence and loads of sex that is just what all men are looking for! They all want a sexpot that has never had sex before!

The storm turns into a hurricane so Kori takes shelter with Boone and his grandmother and his grandmother's parrot. But the trailer they're sheltering in is tipped over and they hear loud noises that aren't thunder, so Starfire exits the trailer and steps into the storm where she sees...well, you'll find out what she sees next month if you know what's depraved for you. It's probably the Weather Wizard. Or the Fearsome Five.

Starfire #1 Rating: This book is about as hilarious as an episode of NCIS and as sexually titillating as an episode of Three's Company with the sophisticated gender sensibility of The Love Boat.