Convergence: Action Comics #2

This commentary will be quite short.

Superman and Power Girl do some stuff and then there's an earthquake and then the story ends.

Convergence: Action Comics #2 Rating: Well, I can't really rate it yet since I haven't read it! So maybe I should read it although I'm pretty sure I just summarized it in that first paragraph.

The issue begins with Power Girl fitting into her old costume even though she supposedly gained fifteen pounds over the last year. It's a costume that I barely remember because it doesn't have a boob window in it. It's the kind of costume that she could wear for many years and then when it is redesigned to show most of her tits, comic book fans don't have a problem with it. But as soon as you try to change the costume back to a non-boob window variant a few years later, the pro-Power Girl's traditional outfit voices come out en masse! How dare DC Comics change Power Girl's outfit for no good reason! I mean, I realize it had changed for no good reason previously and nobody cared. But this time you can't see her gigantic mammaries! Fuck that shit!

As Power Girl flies off to save Metropolis, she's attacked by an Invisible Jet! I guess the "invisible" technology is too costly to stick on the missiles because those are super visible. But Power Girl has Super Vision which enables her to see the contrails left behind by the jet. Hey! I must have Super Vision too because I can see those!

Was this a "she loves me, she loves me not" petal pulling joke? Unless it was a "the turbulence turned the invisible jet into a washing machine which turned Wonder Woman's underwear into a swamp of love" joke!

Wonder Woman bails out of the plane (or simply falls out as it breaks apart. But that takes away her agency which would be unfeminist) and is caught by Power Girl. A single page depicts them crashing through a building and to the ground. That's not the way I would have drawn it. I would have filled about ten pages of close up panels of their boobs rubbing together as they crashed to the ground. I think that would have really ratcheted up the drama and the themes of loss of control that have been permeating all of the Convergence titles. Unless permeating isn't the word I really wanted to use there.

Once the woman and the girl land, Wonder Woman kicks Power Girl in the face, sending her flying miles and miles away where she lands on the barren landscape of Planet Brainiac.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane looks fashionable and upbeat in her beret.

Also, Lex Luthor becomes ruler of whatever country Moscow is the capital of and Joseph Stalin was the leader of. I think it was Communististan.

Power Girl and Wonder Woman's battle devolves into the same thing that always happens when a person from a capitalist country battles a person from a communist country: they make it all about the ideology they inherited from the country in which they were born.

Wonder Woman: "So! You have capitalist pig Wonder Woman in your world?"
Power Girl: "That's right, you communist dog! She's so much better because she actually has plenty of toilet paper with which to keep her beautiful butt clean!"
Wonder Woman: "Bah! Plentiful toilet paper is metaphor for your country's waste and excess! I spit on your toilet paper! Ptui!"
Power Girl: "Oh yeah?! Well I spit on your optimistic belief that people can get along by sharing all resources and looking out for the community as a whole rather than just a few individuals within that community!"
Wonder Woman: "Why you spit on such beautiful belief?! You and your 'video games' and 'comic books' and 'free speech'! It is grotesquerie!"
Power Girl: "I bet you don't even have a word in Russian for 'hobby', do you?! But you have fifty words for work!"
Wonder Woman: "Da! Work is hobby! Is 'da' word for yes in Russian? I forget because I am constantly speaking English in comic book!"

Lex Luthor reminds Joseph Stalin that he has nuclear weapons (or something even more outdated than all the super robotic crap Lex seems to have put together simply to find out about the nuclear missiles) and Stalin is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea!"

Back on the streets of Moscow, Wonder Woman has seemingly defeated Power Girl when the real hero of Action Comics arrives.

It took Superman longer to get here because he's old and flies way slower with his left eye blinking the whole way.

Superman tells the females to stop being so emotional and to think the situation through logically. Wonder Woman is all, "But that's so hard to do with this vagina!" And Power Girl is all, "I can't think with these boobs!" But Superman is able to crack the Illogic Field of their Femininity and convince them of the truth!

Wonder Woman expresses how she feels at a man being right. Again!

Meanwhile underneath Moscow, a mirror image discussion takes place.

Luthor: "My penis is telling me we have to launch these missiles that look like my penis!"
Stalin: "Da! My testicles rage at the thought of people living and loving at my expense!"
Lane: "You guys are idiots! We can't destroy the world to satisfy your male genitalia!"
Luthor: "I don't care! I mean, I can't care! At all! Testosterone eliminating all empathy within me!"
Stalin: "Penis stiffening at the thought of power through violence!"
Lane: "If you guys knock off this display, I'll show you my breasts."
Stalin and Luthor: "Okay."

Actually, Luthor plans on nuking Metropolis even though Lois is completely against it. And since they're married, he's already seen her breasts so that probably wouldn't stop him anyway. But Superman breaks through the wall to stop him using the logic of his fists, the ultimate weapon of mankind! And it works or something. The cities are saved somehow and I think it involves hugs or something.

I already did the closing part about ratings but not the rating so here it is: 5 Boob Windows out of 10.

Divergence: Sinestro
"Who is the traitor in the Sinestro Corps who has set New Korugar on a path to certain destruction?"

Um, the traitor is Sinestro, of course! Duh! Before Cullen Bunn even began writing the story, he just sat down and thought, "What if there were a traitor in the Sinestro Corps? Who would be the last person somebody would guess? Sinestro!" And then he wrote the story.

The Sneak Peek introduces the main Yellow Lanterns to any new readers. It also shows Sinestro is still making his way around the universe trying to save all of the lost Korugarians. Plus the Corps' new home seems to be Warworld so who cares if New Korugar is going to blow up, right? He also keeps mentioning how the Green Lantern Corps fell apart and abandoned its mission and I don't remember anything about that. I remember Hal quit and became a renegade. But I don't remember what happened in the final issue of the Green Lantern Corps! I should probably reread the commentary on that and see if it explains anything. Maybe we're just supposed to assume that everything fell apart because the universe hates them and Hal's gambit of turning into the scapegoat didn't work. How come DC is making me do all of the work in my head to explain this whole "The Green Lantern Corps has dispersed" bullshit?! Am I supposed to assume as soon as the comic book was cancelled that they stopped existing?!

Teen Titans #8

Lost Boys movie pitch: "Imagine The Outsiders...as vampires!"

When I notice a person on Twitter who follows more than three figures worth of people, I assume they don't read their Twitter feed at all. They probably only read replies and direct messages. I only follow people on Twitter whose tweets I'm interested in reading and at forty-seven people, it's too much. I suppose if I stop following Gail Simone, my Twitter feed would be cut in half. That's an option I'm considering because I can't seem to not read all the new posts from the day before when I first get online. I'm too interested in everything the people I follow have to say and it takes too much time which usually means I need to drop people from my feed. It's all or nothing for me, I suppose.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm using social media haphazardly and incorrectly. I've got the wrong attitude when I think it's about the other people. It's actually about me, isn't it? I'm supposed to make it completely about me! It's the way I approach my comic book blog which is the lamest "social media" experience there is! It's all about the tweets and the status updates and the animated gifs! If I can't boil my comic book commentary down to 140 characters or one hilarious reaction gif then I must be a long-winded witless bore and not very internet savvy. Fucking blogosphere. More like lame-ass-curmudgeon-sphere, amirite?

I think staring at these Teen Titans Lost Boys has gotten my old man dander up! "I don't fit into this world anymore! What's happening?! Why is everything moving so fast?!" Last year was the first year I finally felt like video games have begun to leave me behind. I'm forty-three and I've been gaming since whenever Stunt Cycle came out. Princess Wikipedia says Atari released home console versions of it in 1976.

Here is Stunt Cycle for all y'all that have never even heard of the fucking thing. As Princess Wikipedia notes, these were the years when Evel Knievel was everywhere jumping canyons and Las Vegas fountains and whatever the fuck he could find. I had an Evel Knievel doll with a motorcycle that you placed in this gizmo which you cranked up really quickly and then hit a button to release the motorcycle and he'd fly off whatever huge drop you could find to launch him over. That's probably the toy I most wish I still had.

Anyway, last November the new Call of Duty came out and it's so fucking twitchy that I can't stand it. It's the first video game I've played that I can tell was made for a generation that has completely different attitudes toward gaming. Titanfall had jump jets as well but the pacing and play was smoother and more streamlined. But the Call of Duty jump jets just make everything erratic and insane. But the kids seem to love it, I guess. I'm not horrible at it, so at least I know I still have my gaming skills at middle age. But I just don't like it. It's like trying to kill mosquitoes with a water pistol. I'm assuming. I've never tried that but that feels like it would be as annoying as the new Call of Duty gameplay.

I long for the days of print pornography! End old man rant.

Who's ready to find out what Manchester Black and his buddies are up to?! Yeah, I'm not really that excited either. But I'm sure Kenneth Rocafort's crazy ass lines drawn all over the comic book page will get me pumped up for it! It's like reading a High School year book from the eighties! "We're wild and we're young and we've got zig zaggy neon pink lines all over the place to prove it!"

Why is Bunker declaring New York the greatest city on Earth? He must have discovered Chelsea.

Manchester Black continues to evade actually answering any of Red Robin or Raven's questions so they shrug their shoulders and continue to trust him. Why not? He has a Union Jack tattoo covering his always bare chest, he smokes constantly, he's a tomato goblin, he's purposefully mysterious, and he tells half-truths in a fancy accent. If you can't trust a guy like that, who can you trust?

Manchester Black asks Raven to transport them to a surprise location where the Titans totally won't regret having trusted him at all.

The location winds up being a celebration in honor of the Teen Titans having saved New York City. Manchester Black's proof that the citizens of New York love the Teen Titans is that they made signs. And who bothers making anything in this digital age, amirite?! The art of sign making went out with dot matrix printers and Print Shop, right? Please! Of course it didn't. What does Manchester Black think people do at rallies or concerts or behind the Good Morning America studio? Hold up their iPads with dumb messages typed out on them? Pshaw!

Manchester Black calls Red Robin "Tim" which seems like a bad idea. Tim Drake is supposed to be super smart so why is he being so carefree about his secret identity which can be traced back to Bruce Wayne by anybody that has been paying attention to any news out of Gotham City. Doesn't he know he has a responsibility not to tie Red Robin and Batman to Bruce Wayne? What a jerk.

Although, I suppose only Lex Luthor is smart enough to make the connection.

After the celebration the main characters of the Teen Titans (Josiah Power and Manchester Black), investigate Brooks' (the bad guy the Titans supposedly just beat but if you ask Brooks about it, he'd say it was "all part of the plan") escape on his way to prison.

Oh yeah! Because a maniacal genius that managed to live to 104 years of age wouldn't have the ability to fake his own death to this degree. Start thinking like you guys are in a comic book, guys! Because you are! Sheesh.

Of course the fame begins going to the heads of certain Teen Titans. That plot point is as expected as the power corrupts absolutely plot that constantly creeps back over and over and over again. Besides, these are the Teen Titans of the Me Generation! I'm not sure it's particularly fair to label this generation the Me Generation when the Baby Boomers did everything for their own selfish desires first. I mean, who doesn't? But still, they protested Vietnam because it was the right thing to do and, oh, by the way, they didn't want to die either. That's not a criticism! That's a good reason to protest war especially when the war is bullshit. But then they abandoned all of those hippie philosophies that paid dividends in their youth for wall street and high paying corporate gigs which could pay dividends in their old age. They were the assholes that thought up that fucked up slogan about not having a heart if you're not liberal when young and not having a brain if you're not conservative when older. Fuck you assholes. But labeling the current generation the Me Generation does fit in the social media and fame context. Every generation has been obsessed with fame, the famous, and becoming famous. But this is the first generation that has been told anybody can become famous for way longer than fifteen minutes and for no particular reason at all and with barely any effort. You just need the right people to see what you can do or film the stupidest fucking thing for the internet or steal just the right jokes on Twitter to amass a huge following. And corporations make so much money on finding "talent" that they keep broadcasting the message that fame is the greatest thing a person can strive for and that the only way to get it is by being discovered on national television.

Um, anyway, Garfield Logan has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live (or whatever the stupid fucking DC Comics version of it is. Just use the real world names of things, you assholes) and he's getting all kinds of attention from stupid fucking pieces of shit that say things like "the business we call show!" I didn't mean to insult Hedwig with that line because I love Hedwig but come on! Just say show business!

Apparently the band based on cosplaying Raven has also become famous overnight. DUE TO A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

A riot almost breaks out at the concert but Raven stops it with her Feelies Power. Then the lead singer is all, "And people constantly ask me why we started a tribute band for her. I mean, actually they ask me, 'Who the fuck is Raven?' And I'd be all, 'You don't remember that person with the feathery clam face mask that nobody knew about but we somehow discovered somehow or something?' And they'd be all, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' And I'd be all, 'That night that demon attacked and nobody knew what was going on but the military died and everybody blamed the Teen Titans who nobody had actually heard of before that? You don't remember?' And they'd be all, 'Show me your tits.' And I'd be all, 'Ugh!'"

Later, Wonder Girl deals with a Glasshole.

Where do these superheroes actually keep their phones? For once there's a good reason to have at least one of those pouches from the nineties and they're nowhere to be seen! I guess Power Girl's teensy, tiny jacket probably has at least one teensy, tiny pocket somewhere on it.

If I were Wonder Girl, I'd be a little bit upset after kicking this guy's ass to look over my shoulder and see everybody checking their phones instead of watching my awesome body slamming moves. And they call themselves obsessed stalkers fans! For shame!

Last issue, I was happy that the Teen Titans were being recognized as a team of heroes fighting crime in New York. This issue, I'm saddened by the immediate turn it took into a look at obsessing over fame. Couldn't Pfeifer have dragged this out more? Did everybody have to instantly be skyrocketed into stardom fifteen minutes after saving the city? I suppose that's the way it seems to work nowadays and I'm letting my old man show again. But it's shit like this following panel that just annoys the fuck out of me:

Fuck you and "going viral." Nobody cares about actually creating anything anymore. They just want a million views for any fucking thing.

"Going viral" is a pretty apt term for internet fame. Just like a virus, nobody can guess who it's going to infect. And once infected, a person passes it on to everybody they come in contact with for a few days. Then they shake it off and forget about it and go on with their lives. I think the term should be called "shooting up." Because it shoots a person's fame into the stratosphere and makes them feel like they're on heroin. But the high only lasts so long before they need another hit.

And this idiot that is going to "become famous" for being a guy that ran up on stage and was beaten by Beast Boy? How does that fame work? Is he going to get future jobs where he gets beaten down by famous super heroes? Or is he just happy to be recognized on the street? The only thing this guy makes me want to do is to stop being lazy and shave. You now how fucking horrifying it is to walk around Portland with a huge beard? It's embarrassing! I haven't shaved since my cat Judas died. Not for any particular reason but I could barely be bothered to shave before he died and fuck if I care at all now. But when people see me and think my beard is an aesthetic choice as opposed to just not being able to bring myself to shave? Ugh. I feel like a creep!

Oh fuck off of my lawn already!

Everything that I find the Batgirl crew are doing right in their comic book by letting Batgirl interact with an actual modern Gotham City as she tries to find herself outside of the Batfamily and amongst the people of her generation, I find being used like a hammer here. I get it! People want fame! People want to exploit other people's need for fame for money! Beast Boy and Bunker are fame whores and idiots! People want to get beat up by Wonder Girl on camera for their YouTube Channel! Red Robin is probably going to start a podcast which will be an instant hit! I think I really am more interested in Josiah Power and Manchester Black now!

Speaking of Manchester Black, he's decided to go point out to Red Robin that all of Red Robin's friends have become instant celebrities and are enjoying their fame because they're stupid fucking assholes. And now he's wondering why Red Robin isn't having fun being a stupid fucking asshole too!

Red Robin, being a genius, is busy trying to fight crime and uncover secrets to stop future crime! He doesn't care about internet fame. But just wait until Trigon releases the Red Robin sex tapes he filmed while possessing him! Everybody will want an interview with Red Robin after that. But since iPhones have taken the place of the ubiquitous televisions in the background playing the news, Manchester Black has a new plot thread right in his hand!

To be fair to cell phones, finding out about plot threads via cell phones is way more believable than those fucking televisions constantly on everywhere reporting exactly the news that the heroes need to hear.

Teen Titans #8 Rating: No change. I actually want to drop this a few ranks but I think I'm too close to it! My bias is a radioactive cloud turning me into a sort of rampaging, half-hearted Hulk. Other people can determine if they enjoy this kind of portrayal of the Teen Titans. Power Girl, Wonder Girl, and Raven really didn't get enough attention this issue but I think they'll be more on Red Robin's side about all this fame being a distraction. But I can't stand to see Miguel and Gar treated like stupidly shallow, fame-obsessed assholes. Especially since their friendship is supposed to be a shining light in this comic book. But now Pfeifer is putting them at odds on their quest for fame. Bah. I don't need more friendships falling apart in comic books! I need more friends in comics backing each other up and always being their for one another and showing that their love for each other exceeds all other bullshit! Ugh. Whatever! I'm off to make a viral video that involves Star Wars figures and my asshole.

One last thing that pissed me off was the closing blurb: "Continued in the Teen Titans Annual!" Fuck. I was hoping with all this Convergence stuff that we wouldn't get fucking annuals in April.

Teen Titans #7

In this issue, Wonder Girl makes out with Beast Boy's tentacle. I hope that's his tentacle.

I'm going to start playing a lot of old school text and graphic adventures in my spare time, so I'm going to be asking you all for help when I get stuck. Like sometimes, I'll be all, "I don't know how to get past the overly talkative mime that keeps pretending I'm trapped in her invisible box with her. In my inventory, I've got a package of bubble gum, a forked stick, a telescoping claw, and a .44 magnum with no ammunition. What do I do?!" And you'll all be, "Oh! That's easy! Shoot the mime with the gun and the mime will pretend a bullet has been fired out of it and die dramatically!" And I'll be, "Oh! Thanks! Man, I should have known that!" And you'll all think, "That Tess is an idiot as well as a jerk."

I should probably save that puzzle for my the next text adventure I write! Nobody steal it!

The first thing I notice when I open the cover is that Kenneth Rocafort is back doing the art. I probably should have noticed that when I was looking at the cover but I only sometimes read the names of the creators. Usually I already know who they are and if it changes, I'll notice when I open the book. Like this time! Anyway, I guess I'd better prepare myself for chaotic panel layouts, weird lines drawn helter skelter outside all of the panels, and lots of people looking like they haven't washed their hair in five days.

Last issue, STAR Labs turned into a mushroom cloud. This issue, the Teen Titans head to the site to investigate. Don't worry. They're superheroes. Radiation either doesn't hurt them or just gives them more super powers.

Once at Ground Zero, Red Robin takes some readings and breathes a huge sigh of relief as he reports no signs of radiation. If he's such a super genius, shouldn't he have made sure of that first? I mean, the others would have been fine! Power Girl and Wonder Girl are probably immune. Raven can cleanse the air around her. Beast Boy can turn into a cockroach. Bunker could surround himself with bricks. But they still don't know who caused this! But they know a shirtless cool British smoker who knows!

Darn! I fooled myself into thinking it was going to be John Constantine minus his shirt!

Operation Paperclip is that operation where the allies scooped up all the horrible Nazi doctors and scientists so that they could benefit from all of the horrible knowledge they gained from gassing people. Are we still going to use Nazi doctors as antagonists? Do the Teen Titans even know who the Nazis were? That was like bunches of decades ago! And it had nothing to do with hip hop or pop music or Harry Potter!

I bet out of all these kids, only Red Robin knows about it and that's only because we have to, collectively, maintain the illusion that he's a super genius. If just one of us points out that his brain has no clothes, the entire illusion will unravel! So believe hard, boys and girls! Just remember that if Tim Drake is going to later become Harvest, he must be a super genius!

It's seriously bugging me that Manchester Black said "Of course you did" instead of "Of course you have."

I'm still not certain how the bad guys who set off the nuclear bomb survived the blast! But that's just because I'm a terrible comic book reader. I can believe in a boy that can change himself into any animal he can think of (but he can't turn into female versions of them. Arbitrary!) but I can't believe in a nuclear bomb that people standing at ground zero of the blast can survive. I guess I'm just not imaginative enough!

Wonder Girl kidnaps one of the bad guys and Raven reads his mind to find out that the bad men are going to erase part of New York City. The bad men also apparently have access to time travel. Also they can teleport because the bad man disappears. The Titans just stand around doing nothing, just like Power Girl accused them of always doing. Instead of rushing in to stop the people stealing the STAR Labs weapons while Raven interrogates the prisoner, they just stand around watching Raven work. Wonder Girl did inform the rest of them that a bunch of guys were stealing shit, right? No? Did she just keep that part to herself? Well, whatever happened, it's too late now! New York is about to get erased!

Oh, I guess they don't have time travel or teleportation. They just have a Fermata Device.

Before Manchester Black can finish his explanation of whatever bullshit he was explaining, the Bad Men (now with capital letters!) activate the Fermata Device again. I guess they want to molest some women on a subway or something before they activate The Eraser. Raven and Beast Boy are the only two not affected by the device because Raven is magical and Beast Boy comes up with a brilliant theory about how Mayflies must live in a slowed down version of time to make up for their twenty-four hour lifespan.

Wait, did I say brilliant? Just replace that with...oh, never mind. He can have that one.

Raven and Beast Boy discover the Fermata Device and Gar destroys it because he's not the smartest Teen Titan. I mean, really, I think the main danger was the Eraser! It would have been better to destroy that while he had lots of free Fermata time!

I think transforming from a mayfly into a whale breaks about a dozen laws of thermodynamics. Are there a dozen of those? Maybe there are only three!

Once time is restored, Raven teleports the rest of the Titans to their location to help destroy the Eraser. Of course, if Gar had left the Fermata Device alone, Raven still could have teleported the rest of the group into the space where time was working just fine. Just a little Monday morning quartersportsing!

Beast Boy turns into a rhino and charges into the Eraser, destroying it. Then the lead Bad Man begins chanting, "This is all according to plan!" Oh fuck. Not another one of these assholes. I'm so sick of asshole bad guys devising plans where they fail the first part of the plan and get their asses kicked before the part of the plan that will work kicks into gear. Do they just love getting their asses beat while they work? Why is this part of the fucking plan, you idiots?!

Raven shuts the guy up with her dark magics but since this was only Part One of the story, the team had better listen to that whole bit about this failure being part of the plan.

Beast Boy discovers that the hologram camera used to threaten all of New York was still up and running during the fight. So they all pose in front of it!

Now two (or more?) of you fuck for the city!

This is actually a good moment and one that this team has needed for three years. During all of Lobdell's run, the Teen Titans were never a public team. Perhaps the only time anybody might have noticed them was when they battled Trigon in the middle of New York. But of course, that was just used to turn the city and its inhabitants against the team. But then when this series began, the team was somehow popular enough that they have groupies all over the place. It didn't really make any sense. But this moment solidifies their place as teen saviors of New York and beloved local heroes! This might be the moment where I'm going to get all turned around on this series because this moment is so important.

So now that the city has a reason to love the Teen Titans, they can get to some serious work kicking ass! And now when people flock to them and copy them and worship them, I won't bitch about it anymore. They've actually become celebrities through the story instead of Pfeifer constantly telling us that they're celebrities.

Now I just need a flashback where Red Robin tells everybody that he's Tim Drake. Although even when he was keeping his identity secret, he palled around with his team without a mask on. Is he too stupid to realize that a thing like reverse image search exists on Google? I'm sure there are plenty of pictures of him at Wayne Enterprise functions hanging out with Bruce Wayne that any of the Titans could have found easily enough. I think they were all just letting him have his secret while all pretending not to know. And then between Lobdell's run and this one, he eventually told them and they all went, "Oh! We're so surprised!"

Also, Tim might have told them in Lobdell's run and I simply forgot all about it. I mean, he did have sex with all the female members that time he was possessed by Trigon (who, according to  the comic book Trigon #1, loves and adores rape).

The issue ends on an ominous note that threatens to make me take back everything nice I just said about it.

Burnyman McCracklingface is the new Harvest!

Teen Titans #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is this really what the Teen Titans needs? They get another shot at life after the mess Lobdell put them through and now they've got another Harvest on their asses? I liked this issue but I can't stand that whole according to plan bullshit. It's not ominous; it's just annoying as fuck. If these guys are such geniuses that they can devise plans where they get their asses kicked over and over and over again because that's what needs to happen to finally beat the good guys, how about just scrapping that plan and coming up with one where you never get your asses kicked in the first place? I think that would be far easier to plan than some kind of Rube Goldberg machine of getting your ass kicked where hundreds of thousands of pieces have to fall exactly into place for everything to work out just right. So many random things could go wrong at any moment! What if Superman had decided to get involved? That would have ruined the plan, right? What if The Eraser had actually worked! Would that have ruined the plan? Just knock it off with these convoluted plans, Bad Guys! Whatever happened to just shooting the good guy in the face with a flamethrower? I mean, that never works either but at least it makes sense that somebody would try it! You know, as opposed to going into battle with a flamethrower you never actually plan on using because you want to lose. "Whoops, The Batman! Look at that! I just dropped my flamethrower and accidentally kicked it into a storm drain! What am I ever to do?!"

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

Teen Titans #6

I think that's El Guapo in The Flash uniform! Where's his skateboard?

Last issue, the Teen Titans were battling a bunch of drug-crazed teenagers (is that redundant? Aren't they all hopped up on Loopies and Wackbombs?) while Manchester Black and Josiah Power watched. Manchester Black and Josiah Powers are some manipulative bastards who work for STAR Labs and want to have sexual relations with young teenage heroes (possibly! I'm glad libel laws don't extend to fictional characters). Beast Boy, who somehow changed from Red to Green during the Titans' hiatus which may have been explained away somewhere somehow although I'm sure it was changed because it was just stupid that he was red and nobody liked it at all, um...I forgot what this sentence was going to be about after that adjective clause. Maybe I should just get back to the fight!

Oh yeah! Also, Power Girl showed up to try out for the team.

With Power Girl's help, the Teen Titans defeat the drug-addled teens in four pages so I guess the cliff the team was left hanging from last issue wasn't very tall. After the battle, Raven teleports the team away because the crowd starts to get stalkery and weird. I hope Raven remembered to teleport Wonder Girl's mom along with them. Being that I'm an irresponsible lout, I can't tell if leaving the unconscious super powered teenagers behind without making sure the police were there to round them up first was poor form. I mean, one of the teenagers was invisible! When the cops arrive, how are they going to know to arrest that guy? Also, how are they going to know not to run him over?!

Back at Bunker and Beast Boy's apartment, the Teen Titans sit around interviewing Power Girl while nobody mentions Wonder Girl's mom. That's weird. Are we just supposed to forget that she was in the fight scene last issue? Remember how she almost got crushed by a truck but Power Girl saved her? Now nobody gives a fuck about where she went?

Power Girl tells the rest of the Teen Titans how she got her Power Girl powers and when she gets to the part about Desaad killing her mother, nobody says, "Oh, hey! What happened to Wonder Girl's mother?" And nobody even mentions how weird it will be to have a Wonder Girl and a Power Girl on the same team. That's Legion of Super-heroes weird.

After the origin story, Power Girl tells the Teen Titans how to do their job.

Yeah! You idiots should hire Madame Xanadu to tell you who to attack before they commit any crimes! Preemptive super heroing! Don't worry if it looks like you're beating the shit out of innocent people because they haven't done anything wrong yet! You'll know you're doing the right thing! Maybe. I mean, you'll have a little bit of doubt that maybe Madame Xanadu is just getting you to beat up people she has a grievance with. But just put that out of your mind! I'm sure prophecy is a real thing!

Power Girl totally makes sense if I choose not to purposefully misunderstand her though! I mean, all the Teen Titans have been doing (mostly back in Lobdell's run) was waiting for other people to attack them while they just hung out talking about how they were going to change the world or something. They were busy coming up with names and costumes and flirting with Superboy but they weren't ever actually trying to stop super villains. They were busy visiting Dinosaur Island and going into the future and fucking each other and battling Raven's father but they never really helped the world. Which is why it's so strange that they're suddenly so popular ever since this new Teen Titans series began. How is Raven popular enough to have a band based on her? How is Wonder Girl known by enough people to have a whole gang of Faux Wonder Girls running around New York beating up muggers? Why do I even care? I should just be happy Lobdell is off the book!

Meanwhile Beast Boy continues to explore STAR Labs as a little Green Mouse. I bet he gets caught by some crazy doctor and locked in a cage and forced to run a maze for sex cheese.

Then that band that loves Raven? They managed to record her chanting a spell earlier and they're going to add it to one of their tracks. But just like that episode of Constantine where the record summons demons and opens portals to hell and forces people to remember their first broken heart so they spin around the room blubbering like nobody ever blubbered before about the human condition, the Raven's spell track disturbs the neighbors.

This is just like me when the neighbor downstairs begins playing the only bass track he seems to know on his stupid fucking bass because he's probably trying to impress another methed-out lady he picked up at the bar around the corner.

People who love music suck. Look, Never Going To Make It As A DJ: we all fucking love music. It's just that some of us don't divest ourselves of an actual personality for it. Oh, you heard a band that nobody you know knows and they're fucking terrific? Aren't you just the next fucking Mr. Lewis and Mr. Clark of the Music Frontier? Being the first person to love a band is not discovering the cure for cancer. Hell, it's not even helping a friend move! It's not even politely allowing somebody to merge on the freeway! It's next to having done absolutely nothing. Liking a band before they're liked by the masses doesn't make you a super genius. It makes you a person that has nothing to say to anybody except, "Have you heard this?" Okay, you probably know all about the bands as well to prove how much of a super fan you were before the band hits it big. So you can also bore everybody with your in-depth knowledge of the equipment the band uses and the studio they play at and the producers favorite way to fuck wanna-be songwriters. Oh, and playing your music loudly from the porch of your house as you sit amongst a pile of empty Rainier cans impresses nobody except more insubstantial people like yourself! Get off my lawn!

The Girls Wonder and Power head over to Wonder Girl's apartment where we find Wonder Girl's mom safe and sound. Whew! I was worried she'd been written out of existence! I need an older woman in this comic book so that all of my boners while reading it aren't weird and perverse and possibly illegal.

Scott Lobdell had Roy Harper say basically this same thing about Oliver Queen. That doesn't bode well for my impression of Will Pfeifer!

If you bitch about somebody always thinking they're right when they usually are right, you're an asshole. If they're usually right, they don't think they're usually right. They just usually are right. Stop believing it's some random roll of the dice that always happens to be against you and realize that maybe the other person is pretty smart and perceptive and you are an unobservant dolt! Although Tim Drake is supposed to be some kind of super genius so writers have to write lines like this so the reader can understand exactly how super geniusy he is without actually being troubled by writing scenes where he shows his super genius. Much easier to have another character state the fact for us.

Someone knocks at the door and Wonder Girl explains why it's Raven and then it isn't Raven, proving that Cassie is never right about anything ever! I think one example is enough of a sample to make that judgment, right? Science!

If I ever answered the door to find some shirtless fool draped across the doorway with his disheveled leather jacket hanging loose, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from laughing in his face. If it were a woman, I'd probably go, "Ubba ubba ubba duh duh um blork!" Hmm, so maybe this actually works if the person is of a sex you want to rub pee-pees with!

Cassie's mom, Helena, asks Manchester Black where his shirt is and I admire her lawn greatly. Old people rule! Young people go to school because nobody wants them cluttering up the malls every single day of the year.

It turns out Manchester Black is only nineteen. Because even people practically running STAR Labs have to be teenagers in a teen comic aimed at teens whose heads instantly explode if they have to read a scene with two fucking adults in one room. Even if a nineteen year old running STAR Labs really doesn't make any sense, no matter how smart or ambitious Manchester Black is. Unless he inherited the company from a parent and was allowed, for some stupid fucking reason, to run it himself. Maybe he got the job because he's sucking Josiah Power's dick? Josiah Power is an old guy, right? Please let him be an old guy! A big old lemon partyer!

Manchester Black, being the young super genius that he is, manipulates Cassie's belief in preemptive strikes to convince her to join him in battling some unknown group that's driving his surveillance people mad just from snippets of conversation they've detected. I'm sure her and Power Girl will sign on because look at his nipples!

Sex-maze time for mousey!

Some gunmen break into STAR Labs and blow a hole in its securest of secure vaults with a handheld nuclear bomb. They all survive somehow and they expect some of the STAR Labs' personnel to have survived as well because comic books. I guess calling the bomb "an experimental" fission bomb is the explanation for people being able to survive the blast? Manchester Black tells Cassie to get the team together so they can stop these terrorists from stealing all of STAR Labs most dangerous things. Why he had to come to Cassie to convince her to help him fight whatever needs fighting when the Teen Titans are just going to react (again!) to the blast on Governor's Island is beyond me. Even without Manchester Black, the Teen Titans would have gone in to secure the area after seeing a mushroom cloud out in the bay. I guess he just wanted to prance around shirtless in front of the young girls.

Teen Titans #6 Rating: No change. So far, this series feels like the Teen Titans are really doing some super heroing but are they? Once again, they're just being targeted by an enemy (in this case, Manchester Black) and manipulated into doing whatever he wants them to do. Which means, once again (again!), the only reason anything bad is happening in his comic book is because the Teen Titans exist. If they were in San Francisco, New York would be much safer because none of this would be happening. Maybe it would be. I still don't really know what Manchester Black is ultimately up to. But it seems like his plan relies on maneuvering the Teen Titans into a specific position on his chess board, so I'm going to continue to blame the Teen Titans for everything that goes wrong around them. But what else is new, right? Didn't they have this same kind of problem back in the Marv Wolfman and George Perez days? If only I could remember them!

Harley Quinn #13

Harl E. Quiyote!

Boo! Hiss! Life!

Now that that's out of the way, comic books!

Remember how I ended my commentary on issue #12 by saying be here next issue when The Clock King gets his clock cleaned or The Sportsmaster courts disaster? That was pretty clever! I mean, the clock cleaned line is a gimme. But that "courts disaster" thing is the pizza of the resistance! If a publisher that wanted to purchase some books and they happened to read that line, they would have thought, "I should throw money at this person prompto!" So if any publishers missed it last time, there it was again! So clever! What a way with words that guy (me!) has!

Anyway, this issue begins with the Clock Queen about to get his clock kinged and the Courtsmaster sporting disaster! Gosh! So, so clever!

Shouldn't Sportsmaster be sticking to sports-related weapons? This seems like a cheat.

According to the rules and stipulations of comic book naming etiquette, Sportsmaster really should not be using a nuclear missile. Maybe if he placed a bomb in a badminton birdie or a jart or something, I'd totally be for it! I'd be all, "Oh yeah! Spike that birdie right into Power Girl's bosoms!" Or "Toss that jart way up into the air where it will most likely kill somebody exactly like it must have been designed to do because...hoo boy! Have you ever played that game? And lived to tell the tale somehow?!"

Can you believe kids today (and probably yesterday too!) have to wear helmets whenever they do anything that could possibly result in falling down. Even just standing up now, I think, like if you're in school or somewhere because who wants to get sued by a bunch of asshole parents who think their precious snowflake actually has something in its head that needs protection? But when I was growing up, parents actually purchased Jarts for us to play with. And not with adult supervision! Oh no. They shoved the box into our arms and said, "Get the hell out of my face! I don't want to see you back in this house before dinner is on the table!" And by "on the table," I mean in a McDonald's bag getting cold. Then we would go out to the school field across the street (or fifteen blocks away. Whatever! It was all the same, really!) and proceed to play with the Jarts in any way we could think of except the way the rules said we should play with them.

You know what one of my favorite games was as a wee lad? Kicking beer bottles at other beer bottles in the Redwood lined edges of the junior high school near my house. The mini-woods were full of bags of empty beer bottles left there by drunken teenagers. I probably caused dozens of severe lacerations over the years by littering the undergrowth with busted beer bottles. Not that they were really beer bottles! I mean, they were! But my cousin Jason and I pretended they were ships trying to sink each other by ramming into the other ship's broadside. That game was fun. But Jarts was probably more fun! Although throwing shurikens at each other as we stood against the garage door was fun too! Although nothing beat riding Big Wheels down the steep sides of Steven's Creek!

Helmets! Ha!

I wonder if not being able to remember names or come up with the exact words I'm looking for has anything to do with not having worn a helmet ever? Probably not!

The Clock King can time travel!? At least that's expected form a guy with that name! Take some notes, Sportsmaster!

So now a thermonuclear device has gone off in New York City! J. Jonah Jameson is going to be pissed if Peter Parker didn't snap a picture of it! I hope Superman doesn't find out that Power Girl was at Ground Zero or he might have to come lecture her about not taking the proper steps to stop the blast. He'll be all, "You sure remind me a lot of my irresponsible cousin! Did I mention she's a girl which is why I think she's so irresponsible? Hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if your answer is yes, which I think it might be or why would you be showing me so much bosom, right?, then could you wear this Batman mask?"

Thanks to Clock King's time travel tricks, he and Sportsmaster escape! Which leaves Power Girl and Harley Quinn plenty of free time to go back to their old life (which wasn't really Power Girl's old life but shh! Don't tell her because if we all stay really, really quiet and let Harley and Tony trick her, we might get to read about Power Girl and Harley Quinn having sexual relationships!).

Who ordered the Sex Omelet?! Hmm, probably everybody! Why would there even be anything else on the menu?

While Power Girl puts on her show which involves lots and lots of Spider Monkeys (which also reminds me I'm falling behind on my Friends watching!), Harley Quinn catches a news report on television that Clockmaster and Sports King are looting a sports store in Times Square.

Somehow Harley winds up in Central Park flirting with a mugger. She's all, "Look at my boobs!" And he's all, "Um, what?" And she's all, "Look at my butt!" And he's all, "Um, hokay!" And then he's defeated! After that little trip down tits and ass lane, Power Tits and Ass arrives hauling Sportsmaster and Clock King behind her! But they're not through putting up a fight yet! Sportsmaster still has some cheating tricks up his sleeve!

Although maybe that wrist blaster thing is regulation in Jai Alai?

After the case is wrapped up and Clock King wonders what happened to make him go from super serious character in Green Arrow to big joke in Harley Quinn, Power Girl asks Harley Quinn to fill in the gaps in her memory. Uh oh! That means Harley Quinn is going to have to make up a whole bunch of hysterical lies!

While Harley makes up her lies, a bird poops on Power Girl and she gets her memory back. Is anybody else beginning to think Amanda and Jimmy have some kind of Scheisse fetish? Is anybody else beginning to feel nauseated thinking about their honeymoon?!

But in the end, everything ends! And Chad Hardin says something nasty in French! About your mom!

Harley Quinn #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. Plus one for how much fun I've had adventuring with Harley and Power Girl. And plus one for the art because I really do adore Chad Hardin's style. I said as much when he first began working on Demon Knights! I hope Harley has lots and lots of guest stars! And I hope she even gets to do it to some of them!

Oh Christ, I think I'm going to hurl!

Harley Quinn #12

I'm conflicted! Lego characters are the least sexy characters of any characters ever. And yet, their hands are pre-shaped for giving handies!

Everybody knew a Harley Quinn book would sell like crazy no matter who was writing or drawing it. I'm surprised DC didn't give this series to Ann Nocenti. I would have loved that! Or maybe I would have hated it? It's hard to say. I think I'm just going through Ann Nocenti withdrawals since my comic book store forgot to put Klarion #2 in my pull box last month and I just realized I was missing it. Maybe they were just trying to keep me sane?

Last issue (not the smelly issue! The regular issue!), Harley Quinn and Power Girl had teamed up to defeat The Clock King and Sportsmaster. That doesn't sound like much of a challenge for Power Girl. One guy has a fascination with time pieces and the other commits crime wearing various pieces of sports equipment. They sound like the kind of criminals Adam West's Batman would have battled.

Should Clock King be so casual about referencing oral sex in a Teen Rated comic book? And why is Harley Quinn agreeing with him?!

Clock King has a teleportation device that sends Harley and Karen to another planet ruled by a massive Pug and his four-breasted humanoid queen. I didn't know teleportation came standard on wristwatches! Maybe I should look into wearing one again.

A human chained to a rock identifies Power Girl as a superhero of Earth. But before he can point out that Harley Quinn is a super villain, Harley Quinn blows him to bits with a gun she grabbed off one of the alien guards. Good thing she killed the guy before he could point out she is a killer!

Power Girl doesn't seem too fazed. I wonder how many more people Harley can kill before Power Girl gets upset?

The massive pug really is the four-breasted humanoid's husband. After he sits on Harley's face, King Pug decides to parlay with Power Girl and Harley Quinn instead of enslaving them. Partly because Harley killed his wife's lover but mostly because Power Girl is too powerful to be enslaved. Parlaying with the huge talking Pug reveals a way back home.

Earlier, the dog ate his wife. Power Girl, once again, doesn't seem fazed to be working with a murderer who engages in domestic violence.

Oh wait. Maybe I should have read the next page.

Although I can maintain the integrity of my narrative by believing that Harley is speaking the wife-eating bubbles.

Manos's realm is guarded by a huge sentient slice of pizza. Is that a parody of some Marvel character I don't know? The Cosmic Pepperoni? The Watcher's Dinner? Galactuslice? Maybe the pizza is Manos since it's underside does look like Thanos's chin.

The pizza isn't Manos because it's killed. Now somebody is going to have to explain to me why Manos was being guarded by a monstrous slice of space pizza.

Power Girl's plan was to talk Manos into letting them borrow the Teleportation Ring so they could get back home. But Manos destroys an entire planet while they watch which is just over Power Girl's line of acceptable behavior. Now she's going to have to kick his ass.

Or Harley will accidentally kill him.

Power Girl and Harley Quinn return to Earth roughly one second after they left. But then they get teleported back to another world and then return roughly one second after they left for that one. But since the comic book is only twenty pages, that adventure will have to be left to everybody's imagination. It was probably full of hot, steamy showers, lots and lots of orgies, cupcakes and doughnuts, and explicitly drawn oral sex between all manner of genders.

Anyway, be with us next time for "Clock King Gets His Clock Cleaned," or "Sportsmaster Courts Disaster."

Harley Quinn #12 Rating: Even though we're a full week into December, No Ratings November is still in effect. I've got about one more week left of November issues before my revamped rankings are ready to go. At that point, the rankings off to the side will shuffle around quite a bit to reflect some of the creative team changes in recent months. Harley will probably stay in relatively the same place. Unless she pisses me off with all of these extra issues she keeps starring in that cost way too much fucking money!