Thursday, June 30, 2016

Cyborg #12

Wasn't this the cover to Issue #11?

The Review!
I'm assuming this is the last issue because it said "The End." at the end and also I'm eating cake. You've got to celebrate the little things. And the things that are a little bigger than even the little things like not having to read this comic book anymore. I'm fairly certain it's dried up my levels of serotonin. Which might also be the reason for eating all of that cake. As for the actual review of this issue, it was a structurally sound comic book where the good guy defeats the bad guys while also showing empathy, compassion, and muscles. But it suffers from poor editing, especially at the end when the world is destroyed. Or should have been destroyed. Maybe the world is saved by bad editing because the editor didn't go, "Hey, Marv? Are you sure you wrote this ending correctly? I think the world would collapse into a black hole the way you've written it." But since the editor didn't say that, the world lived! Hooray for bad editing failing to catch bad writing! Or something?

The Commentary!
Just as Cyborg's twenty-four hours in a test tube are coming to an end, STAR Labs suffers a break-in by a super couple. Their outfits are like space suits or scuba gear and their skin is pale, so I'm guessing they're somehow sick. I bet they're love sick! They're probably lovers whose super powers won't allow them to do it and so they've come to STAR Labs for a cure! Their names are probably Rome and Jules. Cyborg just got done learning a lesson about jumping to conclusions last issue so let's see if he applies it to this situation! Maybe these two aren't breaking into STAR Labs? It must be the Fourth of July weekend because nobody seems to be around to answer the door so the two just snuck in using their powers. Maybe the lesson Cyborg learned last issue was that when he suspects somebody is a villain, he'd better make damn sure they're white so he doesn't feel guilty later.

If a reader couldn't tell the two lovers were white people, they mention their names are Parker and Autumn. Autumn accidentally kills the one guard on duty so now Cyborg is really going to think they're bad guys! Because bad guys kill people! Although they are white, so he probably won't rat them out to the FBI and ruin their lives until he's sure that they killed the guard with malice, intent, and forethought. I bet Afrooz and her fiance's life is more ruined than these kids' lives will be and they killed somebody.

Sure. Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe the covers of Issue #11 and Issue #12 were similar for a reason! They're supposed to make the reader think they're basically the same issue. But in one, Cyborg sees an Afghani Muslim and instantly blames her for everything that is going on and reports her to the FBI to put on their Terrorist Watch List and completely ruins her life while she's just sitting around minding her own business. But in this issue, two young white kids break into STAR Labs, kill a guard, and assault Cyborg but he still thinks he can talk them out of trouble and send them back to being good little white citizens. Why is Marv Wolfman making Cyborg the face of racist authoritarian thought?! It seems like a fishy message to me!

Because Cyborg is willing to talk to these two criminals, he learns that they've simply come to STAR Labs to steal something. But in a good way! They're dying and the something was built by their father and STAR Labs killed their mother and, hey, Cyborg, did you notice they're skin tone? I'd say they deserve the benefit of the doubt and lots and lots of second chances, wouldn't you?!

Cyborg listens to the kids' story which has something to do with how lax security is for the Red Room but I'm not concentrating very well because I kept thinking, "This brother and sister are lovers? Gross!"

Cyborg learns that the kids just want to live normal white lives where nothing sad ever happens. But instead they have a disease that's killing them which is totally not fair at all. Cyborg is all, "Yeah! I totally get that! I also have lived an unfair life full of non-fairness! I mean, I was a high school football star and my parents were rich scientists and all the cheerleaders dug me. But then I was killed and I was all, 'Oh man! This sucks! Life is the worst!' So I totally get where you're coming from and I will totally help you and not once think of turning you into the FBI because I understand that you are individuals with an individual problem and do not represent all of the evil ever."

Sarah Charles and Silas Stone burst into the room after Cyborg administered an experimental cure to Autumn. Sarah is all, "Why weren't you responding to my texts?! You should be instantly responding to my texts! I just gave you a nineteen hour hand-job and you have the nerve to not respond to my fucking texts immediately?!" And Silas is all, "Oh, and by the way, these kids murdered a guard so maybe you should think about the other side of the coin of prejudice, privilege, you dumb skunk." It's at this point that everybody panics and a fight breaks out.

During the fight, Cyborg learns a lesson.

When Cyborg says "Maybe he could've preserved more of what I was," he means his penis.

Cyborg's father's love is proved beyond a shadow of a doubt when they learn that the criminals' father's cure has actually turned them into potential human black holes.

To contain the black hole, Autumn makes an impenetrable cocoon around Parker. I might accept that Autumn could make a strong enough cocoon to contain a small black hole created inside of a human being except for one small issue: Autumn is the one turning into a black hole. So, you know, whoops! World over! Everything sucked into Autumn as she encased her brother/lover! But at least Cyborg and his father have cleared up a few Daddy Issues. Except now that his Daddy Issues don't exist, neither does this comic book! It ends because Cyborg has nothing more to work through! And that's that for Cyborg! Except for the final surprise ending twist!

Oh my god! So tense and drama-like!

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Cyborg #11

Diversity at DC Comics! Present Cyborg as the angry black man who can withstand fire! Such stereotypes!

The Review!
Isn't it about time to give up on Cyborg? He's not as fascinating as DC wants me to think he is. But I guess they don't have a great history of black characters to turn into star characters. My preference would be for Black Lightning. He's got a lot more personality and as long as the colorist remembers to make his lightning bolts black, his name isn't really racist! Of course, DC wouldn't have this problem of Cyborg not being interesting enough to be a star if they just had a more diverse cast of heroes who were popular. The problem is trying to make any character as popular as Batman! It's like there's no formula for how a character gets super popular that they could follow! I mean, Batman isn't anything like Harley Quinn! And Harley Quinn isn't anything like Lobo! Except for the really white skin. But you know what? That isn't going to work here! That's about the extent of my wisdom on this subject!

The Commentary!
My friend and yours, Marv Wolfman, is finishing up the Cyborg comic book because Walker's version wasn't radical enough. Probably because DC didn't want to alienate their angry white male readers by presenting an angry black man who discovered he wasn't emasculated at all and could bang all the white women he wanted. Not that Victor was necessarily only into white women. I think his main kink is women named "Sarah". Anyway, since Marv Wolfman invented Cyborg (I think? That's the best fact checking you'll get out of me!), he must truly understand the character! Like the way he's constantly saying "Holmes!" in 2016! Has a black man ever been portrayed more earnestly? Not that any one black character could represent every black person in the world! I would never say that! Probably 80-90 percent though, right?

Normally I would look at Cyborg and think, "That's a robot!" But I guess now I look at him and think, "That's the black character DC Comics has decided will be as popular one day as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman!" They really keep trying and he really just keeps coming off as boring. I had high hopes for the Walker run but forgot about my high hopes almost immediately when the series caused me to nod off and spill my tea. Now I really don't have high hopes about Cyborg's future if he's back in Marv Wolfman's hands!

Whew! That's enough discussion about race! I think I may have solved racism in America! I'm going to go outside and see if all of my white neighbors congratulate me!

Currently, Cyborg is being experimented on by his father. Again! While his body is down, Cyborg decides to interface with the Internet and deal with all of the world's problems at once.

Such insightful political and social commentary!

Cyborg discovers a plane's electronic systems have been hijacked and he begins trying to figure out how to get control of the plane back. He knows the flight number immediately but doesn't realize it's Sarah's plane even though the first thing he did before his body was put in stasis was check on Sarah's flight. He's not the smartest computer in the server room! Did that make sense? I probably should just assume it made sense instead of calling attention to it just in case it doesn't make sense.

Cyborg can't seem to get control of the plane and he can't contact the Justice League because they're all in space on a mission. Funny how they're constantly in space on a mission when somebody needs them and yet I never read any stories where they're in space on a mission.

Cyborg notices there's a woman from Afghanistan on the plane so obviously she's the terrorist. Uh oh! I think Victor might be about to learn a little something about prejudice!

Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list when he came to this woman, Afrooz Abad. Is he crazy?! There might be other people from Afghanistan on board who might be the real terrorist!

After Cyborg stopped checking the passenger list because he obviously found the terrorist, he checks the passenger list to discover Sarah is on the plane. Even though he should have already known she was on this plane, remember?! I wonder if Cyborg will get nicknamed World's Worstest Detective?

Cyborg begins to investigate Abad and discovers she's totally clean. Which only makes him more suspicious! She must be the culprit!

Sarah begins acting even more strangely than Abad but nobody has security wrestle her to the ground because she's speaking English and isn't wearing a hijab. Unless it's called something else because remember that thing I said earlier about my fact checking! Sarah rigs up the entertainment system to distract everybody on board with Facebook. I'm surprised they're calling it Facebook in a DC comic book. Isn't the DC Universe filled with bad clones of real products?

Along with the plane catastrophe, Victor notices a bunch of warehouse fires around the world with similar modus operandi. Modi operandi? I really should see if I can rehire Pickle Boy to do the fact checking around here! Anyway, the warehouses that are all burning seem to be run by criminal syndicates. So it's a good thing! Except for the workers trapped in the warehouses and about to die because they don't know how to open an exit door.

This is a bad thing! Unless they're complicit in the crimes happening in these warehouses. Then it's a grey thing!

Cyborg alerts the authorities so they know that there will be burned bodies in the ashes of the burned down buildings. I assume that's why he alerts them since he already knows help is on the way but they're stuck due to the traffic lights all being down and chaos ensuing in the streets. Does he think the authorities will somehow get around that chaos because he told them people were trapped in the burning buildings? Maybe he should fix the traffic lights while he's doing everything else.

Cyborg realizes that everything happening isn't a terror threat but a gangland protection racket thing. I guess it's only terrorism if the wrong people use violence and destruction against the white people. I mean right people. But the plane is still having trouble for some interrelated reason, so Cyborg turns his attention to saving Dr. Charles. Plus the other people.

I wonder if by the end of this story, Cyborg is going to apologize to Afrooz and her fiance for getting them on the FBI's Terror Watch List?

So Cyborg's powers are sufficiently technological as to be magic now. Awesome.

Cyborg discovers that the real bad guys are Dark Net people. Ooh! The Dark Net! Now there's a good bogeyman for Cyborg to constantly battle! Although it might not be good material for a comic book since ninety percent of the time, he'll probably be busting child porn rings.

Cyborg makes sure to feel really badly about his prejudice. Lesson learned! That lesson was that black people can be racist too, right? Is that what Marv was saying?

And finally, 19 hour handy time!

We Are Robin #12

This comic book needs something to make it interesting but I haven't given it enough thought to know what. Probably sex.

The Review!
This is the last issue of the series and, of course, it's probably the best and most interesting. Why is that? Why can't comic book writers figure out what makes a final issue where they wrap everything up so much better than the issues where they're trying to build the world? I think it's that whole 'in media res' thing! This should have been Issue #1! I bet most comic book fans would read this as Issue #1 and hate it because people like to have their hands held and bottoms powdered as their full of shit opinions diapers are changed when they are being entertained. I suppose some changes would have to be made to this issue if it were the first one but not a lot. I mean, this one works due to the call backs to previous issues the Robins have had in their struggle. But even call backs to previous history can work when the reader isn't privy to that history. If only writers would write to the intelligent and the curious instead of making sure everything is understandable to every dull-witted, slack-jawed moron who might pick up a comic book, maybe first issues would be far more interesting far more often.

The Commentary!
Most of the New 52 comic books left in my stack are mediocre books that I'm not super interested in reading. I've kept a few in the mix that I'm looking forward to, books such as Legends of Tomorrow and whatever that Dark Knight one was that came out a couple of weeks ago. But mostly it's just boring crap. And I don't mean that the stack only got boring after I finally read Sinestro #23! The stack was super boring when that one was still in it! Here's what I've got left and how I feel about it:

Cyborg: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull Victor is.
Martian Manhunter: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull J'onn is.
Doctor Fate: I hope I don't shoot myself in the face so that I don't have to read about how dull Doctor Fate is.
Lumberjanes Loves Gotham Academy: Okay. I'm looking forward to this one! I can't wait to see why Kyle needed to bring his tennis racket to the woods!
Constantine: I forgot this was still in the stack. This is a decent reprieve from the shit I know is coming up after it.
Earth 2 Society: Oh! I hope they make Earth Too a better place! I'm so invested!
Black Canary: This comic book lost me when it went from Indie music scene to time travel sci-fi alien space opera. I know that sounds exciting but I guess Fletcher did it wrong.
Legends of Tomorrow: Sugar & Spike are my favorites.
Swamp Thing: This is like reading the old comic books I've been reading so I'll probably get confused about what year it is and have nightmares about picking a topic for my senior thesis.
New Suicide Squad: Oh! I forgot I finally like the Suicide Squad thanks to Tim Seeley. Maybe I should put this one on top of the stack!
Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade: I have no idea what this is. Batman or something.
Robin, Son of Batman: I really liked this before Fawkes took over. Now I just sort of kind of like it somewhat.
Teen Titans: This was pushed back because the New 52 Titans are horrible. But Bedard made them fun and interesting last month, so I won't be disappointed when I get to this.
Poison Ivy: Dull. So dull. Dullsville, man!
Gang of Harleys: I've had my fill of Harley. I've reached my Harley threshold.
Bitch Planet: I can't wait to read the back cover! Always so good!
Legend of Wonder Woman: This is a good Wonder Woman story with fantastic art but it still doesn't feel like a real comic book. I guess I have a bias against Digital First stories.
Bombshells: Speaking of digital first comics! The amount of Bombshells books I have just keeps growing and growing. For the reason why, see "Wonder Woman, Legend of".
Harley Quinn: Ugh. Even more Harley Quinn! Ugh! UGH!

So that's basically it. I didn't mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Daredevil because I'm mentioning them here instead for no reason.

Now that I've basically reached my target word count, I don't have to worry about saying anything about We Are Robin which I also find dull! I'm such a lazy cheater!

Although since I don't really have a word count and just write as much as comes to me as I read, I've really just written more than I had to.

You know what the death knell of interest is on the internet? "I've written more than I had to." People only want to read as little as they can get away with. You know what else is a good way to be irrelevant on the internet? Yeah, I don't know either or else I'd switch things up to stop being that!

Does anybody remember when I used to sprinkle sketches throughout my reviews? I wonder why I stopped doing that? I bet it has something to do with something I don't understand! Like my brain.

Here's a picture of Damian as a Robin that I drew in ten seconds. It isn't funny at all but it's thematic.

Cisco, also known as Redbird16 to people in his We Are Robin Group Chat, has recently learned that his father is terrible at business. Wayne Enterprises keeps bidding more reasonable bids to help rebuild Gotham in areas that can't afford bids that won't put other construction companies out of business. I mean, the other companies are going out of business even faster because Wayne Enterprises is taking all of their business. But it's not like they'd get the business with profitable bids anyway because most people in Gotham are poor due to Wayne Enterprises hogging all of the money. Could Batman fix Gotham simply by flying over the city and making it rain hundred dollar bills instead of what he usually does where he covers Gotham in a fine mist of his piss and blood? I know he only does that to save the day but it's still gross.

Because Cisco doesn't like seeing his father cry all of the time, he decides to take down Wayne Enterprises for the Greater Good. I guess Cisco's definition of the Greater Good is rationalizing his actions to seem to be helping the city while actually just trying to get his dad to stop being a baby. What kind of a grown man cries?! I mean because he's having business trouble. I don't mean like when a kitten is dying or he's watching The Bridges of Madison County.

I'm surprised there's still a thing as juvenile detention. If the scared morons of this country had their way, everybody would be tried as an adult. Let's just ruin all of the lives with our terrible policy of treating people who have made mistakes as irredeemably evil pieces of shit and then continue to pray to Jesus because we have no idea what that whole "cast the first stone" business was about anyway.

Isn't it odd the way Christians will believe that Jesus changed everything about the Old Testament when it comes to their own selfish salvation and how he died for their sins and they can be forgiven and redeemed for anything they've done (up to and including murder) as long as they accept Jesus as their lord and savior. And yet when they get the chance to condemn people to Hell for their sexuality without any chance of forgiveness, redemption, or salvation, they ignore Jesus's promise of redemption and label them as unforgivable abominations. Jesus wasn't making a point about how we're all sinners and who are we to judge because only god judges with that cast the first stone thing. That was an anti-death penalty argument for exactly the reason that sinners are allowed to redeem themselves and be forgiven. When you kill somebody, you take away their chance at redemption. And since everybody, according to Christianity, is a big dumb sinner until they accept Jesus, killing somebody takes away their chance to accept Jesus.

Don't fucking get me wrong and read that last paragraph as if I think queerness of any kind is a sin that needs to be redeemed, you want to be offended asshats. I'm just working through the logic through their own supposed system of logic and morality. I'm an atheist. And by atheist, I mean "somebody who knows The Bible better than most Christians who also isn't a judgmental bastard (unless I'm judging Christians and Muslims and Jews who treat the religion as religious as opposed to a cultural affectation and anybody else that puts an afterlife before this life (I mean, you can be those things and I don't fucking care. But don't expect people who aren't those things to follow your stupid fucking rules. As soon as you become that kind of religious person, I put on my black robes)).

Cisco doesn't want to have anything to do with illegal activity so he begins to walk. But then this guy Iggy who wears trucker caps non-ironically pipes up about how he's got a plan to rip off Bruce Wayne. Cisco's eyes light up and he's all, "That's the guy that made my old man cry!" That makes all the criminals uncomfortable and they look down into their Chinese food and begin shuffling their shoes and Iggy clears his throat and says, "That mean you're in, kid?" And Cisco is in because this issue began with him robbing Wayne's place.

Why this close-up of Riko's dildo? Will it be important later?!

Cisco drops a message to Shug about how he's breaking the law for all the right reasons. Those reasons are sticking it to that jerk Bruce Wayne for making his daddy cry! But he's not going to tell anybody else that after he saw how uncomfortable it made his new friends, the criminal gang. Shug is still working out but has she gotten into condition to actually take on more of an active role as a Robin? I hope so! Unless it means she's going to die!

Duke answers Shug's plea to the Robins with "what's ^." No question mark? And I'd argue it's quicker to type "up" than a carrot! That "6" key is in the worst position on the non-computer keys part of the keyboard! Although he's typing on a phone so I guess that's different. But he still has to change the keyboard he's using to get to the carrot! Just hit the u and the p, you poseur!

Shug does go out into the field this time and Dre is all, "Hey! You ain't fat! You look good!" She looked good before she started working out, Dre! Mostly because "comic book fat" is still really sexy and never unattractive. I'm not even sure "unattractive" exists in comic books unless the writer and artist are making a point about how evil a person is.

Cisco big score falls apart when his criminal gang find a "Nice try!" note in Bruce's safe and then Alfred walks in on them and asks if any of them would like some Justice Tea.

The Robins swing across to the Wayne building and none of them fall to their deaths because I guess they've all been working on their grip strength. And then the big fight begins! Action! More action! Some other action that's different than the first and second action! Throughout it all, Alfred manages to keep his hand covered so continuity nerds don't get all pissy about when this story takes place. Not that they aren't already pissy over when this story takes place. I think continuity nerds just read comics to find errors in continuity. It's their jam!

The issue ends with the Robins all jumping to their death because they don't have any experience at all with base-jumping and Alfred didn't give them any pointers on how to do it. Although Shug is smart enough to not strap a parachute to her back and jump to her death trying to stop a two-bit criminal. It's a bit ironic because the Narration calls back the whole bit about "the problem with youth is the inability to accept your own mortality" bit from Issue #1. I guess people are right because a bunch of Robins just splattered themselves across the streets of Gotham. Presumably! I mean, the series does end here! I think that's evidence that they all died. They just winked out of existence and their story ended. What a great ending!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Sinestro #23

"Let them use cock rings!" -- Famous French Clueless Royal Person Who Gave Out Free Cock Rings and Sparked a Revolution. Seriously. I would tell you to Wiki it but, I mean, someone probably accidentally deleted the entry or something. That's why I don't remember his name. He was an interesting figure because he thought no matter how little the people had, sexual pleasure could make up for most of life's disappointments. But he failed to take into account that most of the poor, unwashed masses he was tossing the cock rings to didn't have any sexual prospects. These losers were already really angry about how life was not only violent and hopeless but it was also withholding from them one of the few things even animals seemed to enjoy willy-nilly. Putting a cock ring in their hands just exacerbated the problem and it wasn't long before royalty, leaders, good looking guys, and fit women who said no were getting their dicks and vaginas chopped off in the public square. It was a time of great unrest although Fedora manufacturers and sellers made a killing.

The Review!
I should probably put this review behind a pay wall so that Cullen Bunn doesn't accidentally see it and get butt hurt over people having opinions! I can see why he would get upset about my reviews of his work though because my opinions are so close to facts as to be indistinguishable. Was that sentence okay? Did I need a "from them" at the end of it? Why do words and sentences have so many rules? No wonder Cullen Bunn has trouble writing! I wish my Writing Assistant and Editor and Run To The Shop To Buy Sandwiches Boy, Pickle Boy, were still around to fix my writing mistakes. But no! He's gone off to have a family and live a life and grow old and have enough money for a funeral and a grave. What a show off! So now I have to try to make fun of Cullen Bunn's ability to write with a poorly executed and hardly refined writing style! It makes me look like a fucking joke, Pickle Boy! How dare you leave me! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?! I'm so hungry for a sandwich!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Sinestro thinking about things that never existed before this moment because they didn't exist before this moment. But now Sinestro needs to make some kind of point about life or something, so now New Korugar is a really harsh place to live. Before now, the Korugarians just wandered around the rocks pissing on Sinestro's reputation. But now they're all running about wildly while a massive dust storm rages around them and the shelters they are not in. Sinestro calmly watches them from a cliff protected in a yellow bubble with his motivational plot device and vagina, Lyssa. Not once does he think, "I guess I don't really fucking care about my people, do I? Has relying on a woman who sees the future crippled my ability to have any insight into my own self? Am I incapable of admitting that I made a mistake seeking out the last of my people? Being angry and a victim seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I'm burdened with a responsibility I never wanted. I just wanted people to not only stop criticizing me but to also maybe praise me for my compassion! By the way, remember to look up 'compassion' in the dictionary to see if I'm doing it right." I suppose this all makes sense because Sinestro is a serious Type-A Personality Dickfuck and will always be a Type-A Personality Dickfuck. He thinks anything he does is the absolutely right thing that should have been done and anybody who disagrees with him is a dumb cunt with delusions of rationality.

Oh! Excuse me! I meant a "dumb barn owl with delusions of rationality." I forget that some people have problems with words but they don't mind if I replace that word with an innocuous word but still infuse it with all the same meaning of the original word. Mostly because not many people know that when I say "barn owl", I really mean "cunt". Most of the time. The other night while driving to one of the stores I clean at about eleven at night, a huge bird swooped down and landed in the opposite lane. I slowly passed by and it was a barn owl just calmly looking at me. You shouldn't read the barn owl in that anecdote as a secret code! I don't think.

Sinestro believes he is making his people strong by making them suffer. Remember that part where I mentioned he was a Type-A Personality Dickfuck? Yeah. Anyway, his people are going to really grow strong in adversity soon because the Red Lanterns are on their way to shit lava and vomit blood all over New Korugar. Oh! I think this story is an allegory about Cullen Bunn and his time at DC Comics!

Soranik takes a bunch of Yellow Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn and meets a bunch of Red Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn to fight in space so a bunch of Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn die.

The fight doesn't last ten years because Geoff Johns isn't writing it. It only lasts a page or two because this is the last issue and Cullen Bunn needs to pack. Besides, the whole point of the fight is to get some terraforming thing that I didn't remember the Red Lanterns had so that Sinestro can prove that he finally looked up compassion in the dictionary.

Ugh! I like him better when he's the hero of his own delusional story and just a Type-A Personality Dickfuck in everybody else's.

The book ends with Lyssa telling Sinestro that she still sees the future that sucks hard. Sinestro is all, "Shucks! I brought order to the entire universe and nothing wrong is happening anywhere in it because of me and my greatness but now something is coming to destroy all of my hard work that didn't seem that hard when you think about it like maybe I didn't actually do what I like to think I did? Anyway, I guess I have to end my story for now with the most cliché ending where I hint at drama and tension and Armageddon to come just as the story ends with the word 'end' followed by a question mark. Get it?! It's like, 'Is the story really over?! Who knows?!'"

Monday, June 27, 2016

Deathstroke #19

Why does the Lawman want revenge against Snakebite's crotch?

The Review!
This comic book made me think bad things. Really bad things! Bad things that no person ever wants to admit to thinking if they want to win the Holier-Than-Everybody-Else War that is going on in the world! But guess what? I survived! Survived to think more inappropriate things next time! That's a good thing because the next comic book I'm going to read is Cullen Bunn's Sinestro and I know I'm going to need a lot of inappropriate words and phrases to describe the writing in that one! As to describing this book, it was the usual crap it's been since David Finch took over. Or was it Tony S. Daniel who was writing it? Whatever. They're basically the same guy. Both of them draw fish-mouthed men drenched in shadows. Both of them draw woman who look like fourteen year old girls. Both of them love using double splash pages. And neither of them can fucking write. I can't really criticize James Bonny too harshly here because he's just remaining true and emulating Daniel's style. Unless it was Finch.

The Commentary!
Deathstroke has been mishandled for decades now. The most fascinating part about him isn't the love he has for his children. I hate stories that have his kids in them. If Jericho and Rose and Grant were so fascinating, why don't they get their own stupid comic books?! How about letting Deathstroke's book be about Deathstroke's life? His kids just keep getting in the way! They're liabilities! But for some reason, Marv Wolfman had no idea how to keep Douchéstork motivated without involving the kids. Even after Grant and Joseph were dead, Slade pouted about for about fourteen issues before discovering he had a new, still alive child! What a mistake! Now instead of reading macho man-stories about a bad-ass mercenary who kills wantonly, I have to read about a guilt-ridden father trying to prove his pretend love by keeping his children who hate him safe. I wish Slade would just kill Jericho again!

Currently, Ra's al Ghul is offering to let Rose die for the low, low price of having nothing whatsoever to do with Deathstroke ever again! I'd take that deal, Slade! I'd even throw in Joseph! But no! Slade wants Rose to live so now he has to trade his pretend love for his kids for Rose's life. Lame.

When looking online for a model of Rose for this shot, Paolo must have spelled "dying woman in pain" as "woman having orgasm."

Ra's just happens to have a panacea in his hip pocket. I wanted to type "a panacea for everything" but everybody would think I'm stupid instead of referencing the stupid local news reporter I once saw whose flub has now entered my and the Non-Certified Spouse's lexicon.

I am not going to ask what the panacea is made from. Looking at it, I already know.

Ra's confirms my suspicions that the elixir is his semen when he tells Deathstroke, "The effects are temporary. She will require a daily dose of the elixir, provided by me." I guess that's why the first dose is in a tube. The second dose is going to require consent.

More Dead Bastards begin showing up so Slade agrees to Ra's al Ghul's rapey terms. Jericho has to help hold Rose's mouth open so Deathstroke is on his own in the fight to come.

I realize as Slade kills another five guys that I've been forgetting to keep track of his Kill Count! I guess it doesn't matter since Rebirth will probably cause him to remember ten years worth of other kills he made in the past and screw up the whole system.

"Take the panacea, Rose! Take it all!"

Jericho enters Rose's mind to coax her back to the world of the living. She's hanging out on a mind-beach in the same outfit has Haley of the Bloodlines Gang: half a pair of shorts and white paint in the shape of a tank top. Jericho is all, "You have to live again, Rose! Can you smell that salty ocean air? Inhale it! Gargle it! Swallow it all!" And just like that, she's alive again! At least until she refuses to suck Ra's al Ghul's cock tomorrow.

Back in the non-rapey part of the story, Lawman and Snakebite have crawled out from under the rubble and challenged Deathstroke to hand-to-hand combat. Deathstroke does not pull out his guns and shoot them in the face. Instead, he drops his weapons and agrees to their after-school terms.

Snakebite stands aside for some reason and waits for Deathstroke to kill Lawman before he gets a turn. The fistfight goes something like this:

Deathstroke: "You're a doody head!"
Lawman: "You are!"
Deathstroke: "Nuh-uh!"
Lawman: "Are too!
Deathstroke: "Take that back!"
Lawman: "No way!"
Deathstroke: "Ewwww! I'm so mad!"

Between their witty banter, they punch each other a lot. Slade's mask breaks early into the fight so the reader can see him grimace. It wouldn't be the same without the grimace! I would be all, "I wonder what Slade is feeling? Is he upset? Happy? Noncommittal?"

A slight feeling of annoyance that you had to drop everything in your life to go after her so nobody would think you don't care which you totally don't?

Slade finally gets the upper hand and is ready to kill both Lawman and Snakebite when Mystasia finally figures out how to reform from mist. She blinds Deathstroke so that Lawman and Snakebite can kill him easier. But she also makes sure to tell Deathstroke that the blindness is temporary. Was that a joke? Temporary because he'll be dead soon? No, I think that was just so the readers know Slade's vision will return after he kills everybody while blind. He has heightened senses, remember!

Jericho and Rose appear and Victor commands the Dead Bastards to retreat. I don't think they were that scared of Rose and Jericho. I think it was Ra's standing behind them that made them flee. Luckily Victor yells out the latitude and longitude of Danger Island so that everybody can easily find them.

Everybody heads back to Nanda Parbat (the Arrow television version and not the real one that actually exists in the DC Universe (you know what I mean by real!). There Slade discovers that the deal with Ra's to work for the League of Assassins included Rose and Jericho. He's actually surprised and upset by this! How did he think Rose was going to get her daily tonic if she were working as a waitress in Eureka?

Team Titans #1: Mirage

Mirage was a good kid brainwashed to be a bad kid who finally remembered she was a good kid. Along the way, she killed the boy she loved and learned a little thing about freedom from a bloody feather. I only threw up twice reading it.

In the main story, the Team Titans finally team up with the regular Titans while Lord Chaos helps Donna Troy give birth to himself. Along the way, they make a lot of faces utilizing the power of Kevin Maguire's long nights of practicing drawing sour looks.

At one point, Deathstroke mentions it's time to move on from his mourning the death of his other son. You know what that means! Slade can't be allowed to not have to deal with his children. Guess whose origin gets told in Total Chaos Part Four?!

The Coming of the Supermen #5

Superman should have lunch before breaking up this fight. It might solve at least his future Luthor problems.

The Review!
Most artists who can draw probably also think they can write because writing is the easy part! You just draw a panel of Gambit throwing a card at a Sentinel and make him say a card game pun! The thing about comic books is that so many of the writers are so mediocre that companies may as well have the artists write the comic book as well. Which may be the reason we have this debacle by Neal Adams. The writing is terrible. It's terrible with so many "very"s in front of it that I should probably think up a better word to describe it so I can drop a few veries. How about atrocious? No wait! Abominable! It is an abominable travesty! I bet the only person who is enjoying it is Denny O'Neil. There's no doubt now who was the brains behind the Green Lantern/Green Arrow team-up tales! Was there any doubt before this? People were probably just all, "Denny did a great job on the writing and Neal did a great job on the art and I would never consider giving either one credit for what the other person so obviously did!" But if that wasn't the case, now we know definitively that Neal Adams did not do any of the writing on that series. Unless some of that series was terrible. I mean abominable. All that shit was before my time.

The Commentary!
I've just passed the Gertrude Stein section of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition!) and I've come to a radical opinion. She's a fraud. She's a big fat fucking fraud and I was frauded by her all this frauding time! Fraud! A fraud! Fraudulently a fraud. I mean, the opposite of that! She was honestly a fraud! Although I still have to read The Biography of Alice B. Toklas to get a real sense of her fraudgility because she sort of breaks all of her own rules in that piece and might actually make some sense in it. Even if I eventually come to remain of the never-before-thought-of opinion that Stein is a fraud, I will still always love Melanctha. She nailed that shit to the wall. Through the wall even! Maybe when all is said and done, my critical opinion will be that she can't quite be a fraud simply because she wrote Melanctha. Although I've never been able to get through Melanchta a second time, and I really don't know if that's a positive or negative criticism of it. I should explain more about why I think she's a fraud or else I just come off as an unthinking moron with no ability to back up their gut opinion which is probably also a stupid opinion. You know, like everybody.

So what I was thinking while reading "A Valentine to Sherwood Anderson" was "Is this clever and I am not clever? Why doesn't this make any sense? Do I need a supplemental class on Gertrude Stein and the literary movement of pseudo-ex-patriots writing in an American vernacular while partying in Paris with painters? I can see why James Joyce avoided Gertrude's salon! No wait! Maybe he avoided her because their styles were so similar! Is that true? Have I ever managed to read anything by James Joyce? I did once begin to read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Does that mean I'm an expert on James Joyce? Probably! I also know he wrote Odysseus! Do I have to put the name of a book in italics if I've gotten the name completely wrong? Since this is supposed to be what I was thinking I can probably do away with the italics altogether since I don't think in fonts and styles. At least not usually." Did that clear anything up? Um, maybe what I was trying to express was how if I read something and it doesn't make any sense, I know the fault is with me and I should read it again. Because the artist almost certainly had a quite specific reason for writing the piece the way they wrote the piece. If I read it a second time and it doesn't make any sense, I still know it's my fault and I should maybe think on it and read it again later. If I read it for the hundredth time and it's still nonsense and it will always completely be nonsense until I read in Gertrude Stein's own words what she meant and what she was trying to do, then it is a work perpetrated by a fraud. It is as worthless as anything created by a student in art school.

Unless it isn't. It probably isn't! I'm going to go back to assuming I'm too stupid to truly get it until after I've read "Tender Buttons" five thousand more times.

You might think a discussion on Gertrude Stein doesn't belong at the beginning of a review of a Superman comic book. But that's probably because you haven't been reading it and avoided being thoroughly confused by the dialogue of The Coming of the Supermen.

This is the best dialogue so far!

Superman is going crazy searching for the boy he kidnapped who was kidnapped by Kalibak. He's acting like a crazed lover! It's so untoward! People may begin to talk. Like me! I'm a people and I'm talking all about how Superman kidnapped a young boy to live with him and now has gone mad with lust-rage because the boy has gone missing. I'm not sure Neal Adams understands the character of Superman. I also might be projecting my edgelord beliefs onto Superman.

Superman eventually discovers where Rafi is being held when he tells a Parademon to both talk and shut up at the same time. No wait. Maybe I read the dialogue bubbles out of sequence. I think it made more sense than that. Although maybe not because Neal Adams seems to like writing dialogue which constantly contradicts itself.

Well, which is it, Granny? Nasty boy or goody two-shoes?

Lois shows up and does something untoward to Granny Goodness with a large staff. I wonder if I use "untoward" a few more times, I'll understand what Gertrude Stein was getting at!

Besides Lois, Kalibak also shows up even though I thought Orion took care of him earlier. It doesn't really matter because Mister Miracle and Big Barda also show up to take out Kalibak once and for all. Maybe. How everybody realized that needed to be in this scene at exactly this moment, I don't know because I don't understand writing and contrivance.

What follows are a series of incomplete sentences forming a discussion about divvying up New Krypton into thirds.

Superman: "Can New Kryp...?"
Mister Miracle: "Sure! Take a look at...."
Superman: "Wow! A planet can be divided three ways and shared?! Who would have thou...?"
Big Barda: "Boom...Tube...unsafe...penetrate...anything...."
Superman: "I see!"

And then Metron appears because what is going on?

Where are they that they can't pass? What is The Jaunt? Why can't Superman speak smoothly?!

Metron's new purpose is "freedom." Apparently he's running an underground railroad for people who want to leave Apokolips which is basically everybody. Too bad Metron's underground railroad ends in explosive death for the people yearning to be free. Superman stands aghast to Metron's untoward method of rescue and Metron is all, "Freedom is death! Duh! Why are you so dumb, Superman?!"

Wait! I shouldn't be so glib about the conversation because the conversation is better than any glibness I can glib all over it! After Metron blows up all of the Apokoliptians, he says, "It's a kind of freedom...isn't it?" And Superman replies, "The very worst kind." Touché!

But wait! It was all a hoax perpetrated by Metron to fool Darkseid's death machines into thinking they've killed the Apokoliptians! Metron tricked them into seeing the Apokoliptians die so they'd report back to Darkseid and give up the chase. Superman decides to believe that it was all an illusion because the thought that Metron just murdered hundreds of innocent people is too disturbing. But now that the death machines have reported back to Darkseid, they can be destroyed. So the Supermen smash the robots to pieces.

Do grown reporters have an aversion to appliances being smashed?

Superman desperately tries to convince the Supermen and Mister Miracle that the Apokoliptian refugees are a danger to the real citizens of New Krypton. Rafi must be playing with Isa because he doesn't begin hating Superman at all after hearing that opinion.

Mister Miracle mentions that the refugees will be able to choose where to live once New Krypton is sorted into three parts: New Krypton, Apokolips, and New Genesis. Even if Big Barda pointed out earlier that New Genesis won't be safe even using New Krypton's force field due to Boom Tube technology. She adamantly stated New Genesis will not be part of New Krypton. It might still be that way. I really have no idea what's going on in this comic book except that Superman kidnapped a child.

Now that Rafi is safe, Superman decides to go after Darkseid and Lex to stop whatever their evil plans are. Destroying New Krypton to take up two-thirds of the planet, I think. Lois insists on going with Superman even though he explains that he is invulnerable while she is not and it would be easier to fight Darkseid while not having to worry about keeping a her safe. Lois calls him a rat and tells him she's going with him even if it means more work, worry, and stress for him. Lois is an asshole.

I don't even know.

Apparently Muhammad's "Daddy got to go to war" argument convinces Lois to stay behind with Rafi. It's either that or Superman telling her that the real scoop is Rafi and his dog, Isa (Jesus!), but she won't be able to write it because Superman would then be arrested on molestation charges. Superman begins to head off to battle while Neal Adams shows just how much enthusiasm he has for this project.

I'm with you, Rafi. We've got the 'tude.

Meanwhile, Darkseid and Luthor continue to act like buffoons. Darkseid threatens to Boom Tube in an army to kill Luthor and Luthor goes insane. Lex laughs in Darkseid's face for six panels without killing him.

The seventh panel.

Superman arrives in time to see Luthor disintegrated by Darkseid. Luckily Superman doesn't care about Lex Luthor. Or maybe Superman knows this is another trick of Metron's. Or maybe Lex Luthor has a force-field like the one on the cover and we all know he's not really dead. Or maybe Lex Luthor has been transported back in time. Or maybe none of this matters because it is terrible and out of continuity anyway?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Bloodlines #3

I wonder if spikes come out of Haley's secret piercing?

The Review!
Don't think there was any real action in this comic book simply because the cover depicts a huge battle. No battles happen here. Somebody gets an MRI. Somebody goes shopping. Duncan the Urban Hunter proves to everybody that his name is just as dangerous as it sounds. But there isn't any huge battle at all. It's almost as if comic books are immune to laws about false advertising! But if you like books about young teenagers getting super powers and you don't want to pick up any of the other teenage super group comic books, you might like this one. Eventually. You know, when the action begins.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with a man making the wrong choice in an ethical dilemma.

I wouldn't kill my family simply because they grew wings and tentacle fingers! Although if I hated my family, I suppose this would be a good excuse to finally pull the trigger.

I normally wouldn't judge somebody for killing their wife and child because who can say how terribly they were? But since the narrator asked if I could do the unthinkable, I'm going to respond with "No. No, I couldn't do the unthinkable because, by definition, I wouldn't have thought it. Ipso facto quod est verum. Aut aliquid." I know "jumped the gun" is a racing idiom but it's kind of becoming literal in this day and age. "Jumped the gun" can easily describe what cops do on a near daily basis. What I'm getting at is I think this guy jumped the gun by going straight to his gun to solve his problem. So his wife grew wings! And his son's fingers are now vomit-inducing penis substitutes! Big deal! They've obviously been inflicted with something and I don't think euthanasia is most people's go-to solution for battling disease. That threatening approach your wife is making as she totters down the hallway with her glowing red eyes and her arms extended? She might just want a hug and she can't walk straight because her feet have become claws and her eyes are glowing red because her tear ducts now produce light instead of tears! That's not a reason to shoot her in the face! I mean, it's a reason but it's not a great reason.

The guy who just murdered his family is Duncan the Urban Hunter. I guess "Urban Hunter" sounds better than "Violent Euthanasia Expert". Now that he killed his family, he has to justify their murder by going around the country murdering everybody else's families. He'll probably say things like "It's for their own good!" and "Putting them out of their misery is compassionate!" or "It'll cost way too much to nurse them back to health so putting them to sleep is the best option!" I'm glad he's the bad guy! Although he'll probably be kind of a good guy since bad people who gain Bloodlines powers should probably be slaughtered without any right to justice. Although he'll probably be a bad guy because he won't discriminate between good and bad people with Bloodlines powers. He probably just shoots anybody who looks slightly strange.

There's a mark on Blake's chest which I thought was just a third nipple. Apparently it's a sign that he was bitten by a Bloodlines Parasite because Duncan freaks the fuck out and begins trying to kill him. See? Duncan the Urban Hunter is the real Urban! I mean monster!

"What an awful, horrible perverted kid!" he said disingenuously.

Albert and Eddie track down Dana to get her to join their super group full of teenagers although neither of them have ever actually spoken to a woman so it's practically the team's first big hurdle. Meanwhile, Duncan goes around killing more people. I think he might be schizophrenic.

Haley, the woman who isn't like other woman, is sitting around her house in half a pair of shorts and some paint that looks like a tank top. She's visited by Blake for a reason other than to have sex with her. I know! She can hardly believe it herself! She's all, "You don't want to put your package in my drop box?" And he's all, "I don't want to blow up your drop box!" And she's all, "What an ego! Anyway, I'd probably cut open your package!" That's when they realize they both have horrible new super powers which makes it okay for the package to go in the drop box.

This is where the sex scene would have been scanned if the stupid narrative hadn't cut back to the nerds.

The nerds have broken into an MRI lab at the hospital. Albert is a genius so I'm assuming he has a good reasoning for running an MRI on himself and his teammates.

What the hell is Dana worried about? That they might see her pancreas?

The MRI reveals that there is some kind of alien parasite living inside of them. Wow! Good idea, Albert! I'm glad that panned out and you weren't just wasting comic book pages. I was sort of pissed that Albert just happened to know exactly what to do to figure out what was wrong with them. But then I knew I would be more pissed if the story had to work through a bunch of dead ends before they figured out what was going on. Plus, Albert is a genius, remember!

Eddie hulks out and smashes the MRI. Hopefully the kids can get out of there before they're caught and then nobody will get in trouble! Unless the hospital tracks whose card was last used to enter the lab and since Albert stole his dad's pass to gain entry, I guess Albert's dad is fucked.

Meanwhile, one of the people killed by Duncan the Urban Hunter crawls out of the morgue. I guess the alien parasites don't really care if the host is alive or dead.

Justice League 3001 #12

The Legion of Super-heroes if they were cool.

The Review!
According to some anonymous person on the internet (and who can we trust more to give us insightful analyses of our intensely personal selves?!), I'm an "edgelord". I could guess by the context what that meant but figured I should get the specific, community-voted on and approved definition, so I consulted Urban Dictionary for the factual facts.

A poster on an Internet forum, (particularly 4chan) who expresses opinions which are either strongly nihilistic, ("life has no meaning," or Tyler Durden's special snowflake speech from the film Fight Club being probably the two main examples) or contain references to Hitler, Nazism, fascism, or other taboo topics which are deliberately intended to shock or offend readers.

First off, somebody needs to edit that entry! Who thought that commas needed to be added before parenthetical references? Why isn't some Grammar Nazi combing through the Urban Dictionary with a lice-ridden fine-toothed comb to make it look better? Anyway, the first way in which I'm not an "edgelord" is that I do not post on Internet forums. I have my own blog where I get to spew my nihilistic garbage! Secondly, I'm not a nihilist. I'm an existentialist. More specifically, I'm a Situational Individualist. Fourthly, I never deliberately write anything to shock or offend. If I do shock or offend, that's the reader's issue for being so stodgy. But more importantly is the word "deliberate". I'm not deliberate in anything I do! I don't know how any single sentence I'm typing will end until it's already ended! I mean, you can tell where some of them are headed pretty well. Like that one about how sentences end. That was obvious where that was going.

But wait! There's a second definition! Maybe this one is closer to who I really am!

Fedora tipping, fat fuck that spends his life on anime cartoon message boards being a worthless pile of shit. Nobody likes this guy but he acts like he doesn't care. He's a pathetic, lost kissless virgin that should just kill himself.

Um, this one isn't anything like me either in lots of way that I don't have time to point out because I have to go lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and weep uncontrollably.

As for my review, nothing really resolves in this final issue. I guess Rebirth made it even more pointless than it already was. But at least there's hope for Batgirl 3001 to become a regular player in Rebirth Continuity!

The Commentary!
Hopefully this series will end with the destruction of the entire universe. Then Ambush Bug will stick his head out of the leftover imploded mass and say, "That's all folks!" Then he'll stick a carrot out of the side of hs mouth and waggle his eyebrows and say, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" as he runs into the void.

Colleen Doran is doing the art for this final issue so it only looks a little tiny bit like the art in the series overall (except for Issue #6). Not that Kolins looked like Porter or Porter looked like Bautista or any combination thereof. So I guess having Doran finish up the final issue is consistent enough, especially if you're into patterns. She apparently is doing every 6th issue.

This issue begins back when the Terries were still themselves.

I don't know what's going on here but it's one of two things! I hope it's the sexy one!

After Teri finishes doing whatever she's doing, the narrative returns to the present where Justice League 3001 are battling The Legion of Super-Not-So-Much-Heroes and Eclipso. It's a good thing the Legion are there or Eclipso would get his ass kicked immediately. Who thought he should ever be more than just a minor threat? Who decided this guy was a force to be reckoned with? He's just a vampire with a stupid hood who has replaced biting people in the neck with diamonds and anger! But DC couldn't leave him alone as a minor villain. He had to become a godlike threat. Although can a person be a godlike threat if they can be defeated by a nice day?

See? Batgirl knows what's what!

The main conflict this issue is between Teri and Terry. One of them is now The Flash and the other is now Eclipso. One is trying to make the universe a place where everybody is free to do what they choose, the other is trying to make it not that. I don't know which is the good guy because on the one hand, I like being able to do whatever I want. On the other hand, I think it's the cause of all of my problems and anxieties. Maybe The Bible was right! Paradise is not having free will! Paradise is when the biggest choice in your life is getting to choose which animal you want to fuck! Personally, I'm glad Adam didn't choose any of the animals God offered and held out for another human being. I'm so mad at Adam and Eve right now for blowing it for everybody! And by "blowing it for everybody", I suppose I mean blowing it for themselves since they never would have had children if they hadn't blown it and I wouldn't be bothered with any of this. Also, I'm angry at two fictional people now. I should be angry at my parents for wanting a second child! I could be content in oblivion right now! Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!

Eventually, after all the beatings and one-liners, Lady Styx reveals that the Wonder Twins Teri and Terry are her children. That explains everything! I guess. Somehow. I suppose it explains why Lady Styx doesn't want either of them dead. And to make sure Teri the Flash doesn't wind up dead before Lady Styx can get her ducks in a row, she sends her back in time to the 21st Century where she can be relevant to DC Continuity! And just so she's not lonely, she sends her back with Batgirl! I hope Batgirl winds up at Gotham Academy!

The issue ends with a "To be continued...?" because I guess at the time of cancellation, Geoff Johns hadn't yet decided if he wanted Giffen and DeMatteis mucking around in the Rebirth Universe. That's probably why they were given the Scooby Doo assignment!

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Action Comics #958

I trust the Superman that doesn't have the glowing red devil eyes!

The Review!
"Action Comics is putting the action back into Action Comics! Also the comics! It's a really aptly named comic book!" I wonder if DC would use that blurb for the next Action Comics Trade Paperback? I wonder if Dan Jurgens is getting paid for rewriting the Death of Superman? Usually when I get something wrong at work and have to redo it, my boss just gets really angry and makes me stay until it's fixed even if I'm off the clock! I wonder if I can send my original copy of Death of Superman back to DC for a refund since it was obviously defective and needed upgrading. Not that I think Superman is going to die this time so technically it isn't a new version of The Death of Superman. It's more like The Death of Superman That Never Was Because He Didn't Die This Time by Dan Jurgens, 80s Robot. I wonder if Dan Jurgens speaks like Max Headroom? I wonder if he fucks like Max Headroom? I wonder what Max Headroom fucks like?! Anyway, if you like action and you like comics, you probably should have realized that this comic book is right up your alley.

The Commentary!
Some writers look back on their past writing and cringe. I look back on my past writing and think, "How me write well so good?" I thought getting more and more practice doing something was supposed to make you better at that something! What am I? Bizarro Writer? Every single thing I write now is shit! It's worse than shit! It's shit that ate bad shrimp and got diarrhea and shit an even worse shit! It's the kind of shit that makes that shit that shit it think, "Holy shit! I need to get my shit to a hospital!" At least I get to reward myself with masturbation after finishing a page. Or a paragraph. Or right back!...sentence.

Maybe what's wrong is that I've written too much! My writing has always been purposely terrible and off-kilter. Maybe I've written 10,000 hours worth of writing and now I can't not write bad! Crap! That's my entire gimmick! Oh man. I need to think of a new gimmick! A good gimmick would be to write really smart and insightful things. But then I'd have to be smart and insightful. I wonder if I'm any good at pretending to be smart and insightful? Or I can just steal other people's insights!

Oh! I came up with a really good insight the other day while not reading the comments section of one of my commentaries! I was thinking, "Grunion?" That's what I call myself! Tess isn't my name, dum-dums! It's just the name of the blog! It makes sense if you say it out loud to your mother. You might not understand what you're saying as you say my blog's name but your mother will slap you. Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "King Beauregard...I mean, Grunion! What if New 52 Superman isn't actually dead at all? You know how he turned to dust? Maybe that was the Quarmer Superman! You know, the one made out of sand! Holy switcheroos! That would mean the real Clark Kent really is the real Clark Kent! And he probably lost all of his powers because the Quarmer took them all! So now there's a Clark Kent character that's the real Clark Kent and he's going to get to date the Superwoman Lois Lane and it'll be this whole role reversal thing where Clark gets to be in the crotchless panties and Lois gets to be on top eating deep dish pizza!" See? I'm so insightful and I didn't steal most of that insight at all!

This issue begins with Preboot Superman saying, "Hey! Remember all that stuff that happened in the previous comic books? Well you should because I just reminded you! Now let's get on with the story! Hopefully it won't be a repeat of the last time I met Doomsday or this will be the shortest run of Action Comics ever!" You might be thinking 958 issues isn't really a short run but it's the only run of Action Comics, so it's the shortest! I'm not going to complicate the issue by pointing out how Action Comics was renumbered for awhile and how we're all pretending the renumbering never happened now.

Why would you want a copyrighted image going viral?! You'll never collect royalties from all those dum-dum Facebook users! Besides, won't Lex own it? I bet he forgets to even credit Jimmy in the Daily Planet!

Clark is all, "Viral?! This could make the Special Edition of a hard copy of a newspaper that nobody reads anymore! You'll make a few bucks!" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah, but how do you expect to write it when you're a part of the story?!" Pshaw! Like that's ever stopped Clark before!

Dr. Ozymanhattan continues to watch the action on his multiple television screens. If I were smart and insightful, I'd come up with a reason his staff looks like it looks. What is it? A fermata on the end of a staff? It doesn't look enough like one but that would make sense. I bet Dr. Manhattan's atom symbol on his forehead has worn down a bit so that it now looks like a fermata. That would be a smart thing, right?!

Lois and Jon are watching the battle at home which means news cameras are filming the entire fight. So I don't know why Jimmy thinks his still photography is going to make him famous! Those stills will be yawnsville by the time he gets them developed!

I'm so smart to have read that thing you don't need to know about that caused me to figure out that Quarmer angle!

Doomsday and Superman battle for a bit. At least Jurgens remembers how boring he made the fight last time he wrote it so he intersperses it with scenes of other people. Lex is all, "Clark Kent?!!" And Lois is all, "Enough television, young man! You'll ruin your supper!" And Jon is all, "I can fly! I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!" He sings it really campy for some reason. Oh wait. That was me singing it out loud. Never mind.

The issue ends with Doomsday about to crush Lex's head. Not in a funny Kids in the Hall way either! More like in a funny while smoking pot and watching Faces of Death way! And, of course, Dr. Voyeur continues to monitor the situation. I bet he jerks it constantly under those robes.