Earth's secret archaeologist's hide outside of the light. And thus inside the Batman.
Planetary/Batman: Night on Earth (June 25th, 2003)
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, David Baron, and Wes Abbott
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier
I believe one of the reasons I was good at avoiding pointless and mindless debates with awful people on the Internet from the very beginning is that I was inoculated early in my life against that kind of dialogue thanks to my Catholic and Conservative friend in high school, Soy Rakelson. He completely disappeared from my life in 2016 when Trump was elected as president and I have my suspicions that it was because he completely agrees with every ideology Trump espouses (if you can call anything that comes out of Trump's mouth an "ideology" and not "diarrhea mouth vomit") but just didn't want to have to justify agreeing with it. Because Soy always believed he was living in a righteous and logical world behind that thin veneer of plausible deniability and dog whistles. But once the dog whistled message simply became the message, he understood it would be harder to agree with the message while maintaining his righteous and intelligent and "good" persona. I put good in quotes because he was never truly good; he was a selfish sociopath who merely wanted to be seen and understood as a good person.
Living through my teenage years with Soy was very much like being vaccinated against a disease. Once I was online and somebody came at me with the familiar Soy tactics, I would simply respond once. If I sensed they were actually confused by something I had said and weren't just being an asshole, I would respond with a quick clarification. Other times, I would just mock them and be done. Sometimes I would do both at once, like that time somebody on tumblr asked me if I was pro-domestic violence. What an absurd thing to ask somebody, I thought. So I simply responded, "If you thought I was for domestic violence in that passage, re-read it again while thinking, 'Tess isn't for domestic violence.' That should clear it up!"
Sometimes I refer to myself as "Tess" even though the name has nothing to do with me and is just part of the play on words in the title of my blog. Usually I'm Grunion Guy!
What got me thinking about this was a response from Soy to a Facebook post in 2010 (I'm going through my old emails! Nostalgia!) where I mentioned how I didn't want to "debate" him anymore because of his "ready-made arguments and attempts at logical traps." And then Soy, in his attempt to get me to drop my stance of not arguing with his idiocy, wrote, "How much can we learn from people with whom we vehemently agree? ;^)". Which, I'm sure, I didn't respond to because, you know, my rule of not arguing with choads on the Internet. You may begin to understand whom Soy is by that response because it's one you hear all the time from terrible people with terrible politics and the worst ideas about the world when they're trying to accuse other people of being in echo chambers. But my response is simply, "How much can we learn from people with whom we vehemently disagree?" I won't attempt the snide emoticon which, I guess, Soy thought was cute and friendly but, at least to me, looks like the look somebody gives you right before they commit sexual assault. Another response to Soy's inauthentic and meaningless question could have been, "How much have you ever learned from somebody with whom you vehemently disagree, Soy?" I'm sure it was and always will be nothing. Because the people trying to get people to debate them think that they're teaching the rest of the world some kind of capital T "Truth". And you can't argue Truth! You either succumb to its Truthiness or you remain a heathen blaspheming Godless piece of shit.
Yes, Soy. I chose heathen blaspheming Godless piece of shit rather than what you chose: "Defender of Western Civilization and Purveyor of the Truth." Both of those, really, are just synonyms for authoritarianism.
One last comment of Soy's from 2010 because I find him endlessly fascinating. Not likeable! Just fascinating! "I mention politics, and [Grunion Guy] emerges. Calling me names, no less! Welcome, brother! My point was this: The author seems to blame most of our ills on Republicans. I think that's a bit too simplistic, since we vote our representatives into office. So, with all of his contempt for our representatives, perhaps he should be blaming America's esteemed voters themselves?"
Here, Soy poses a question at the end that he thinks is some kind of logical trap. "Oho! I have replaced the target of his ire with a target that people would look down on him for targeting! Plus I called them 'America's esteemed voters' so that should really put him in a pickle if he dares to answer that with, 'Okay, yeah, fine. I blame the voters.'" Which is exactly how I would have answered that! Sure, fine! I will blame the voters! Now you have every reason to attack me directly because I've shown myself to be angry or against America or something. It's been awhile but I bet back in 2010, I could have predicted exactly how Soy would have answered me if I agreed with him that the voters should be blamed.
Enough about that authoritarian! Let's read about Batman! And Gotham City. Let's begin with a quick Gotham history lesson from Elijah Snow:
By Warren Ellis, John Cassaday, David Baron, and Wes Abbott
Cover by John Cassaday
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier
I believe one of the reasons I was good at avoiding pointless and mindless debates with awful people on the Internet from the very beginning is that I was inoculated early in my life against that kind of dialogue thanks to my Catholic and Conservative friend in high school, Soy Rakelson. He completely disappeared from my life in 2016 when Trump was elected as president and I have my suspicions that it was because he completely agrees with every ideology Trump espouses (if you can call anything that comes out of Trump's mouth an "ideology" and not "diarrhea mouth vomit") but just didn't want to have to justify agreeing with it. Because Soy always believed he was living in a righteous and logical world behind that thin veneer of plausible deniability and dog whistles. But once the dog whistled message simply became the message, he understood it would be harder to agree with the message while maintaining his righteous and intelligent and "good" persona. I put good in quotes because he was never truly good; he was a selfish sociopath who merely wanted to be seen and understood as a good person.
Living through my teenage years with Soy was very much like being vaccinated against a disease. Once I was online and somebody came at me with the familiar Soy tactics, I would simply respond once. If I sensed they were actually confused by something I had said and weren't just being an asshole, I would respond with a quick clarification. Other times, I would just mock them and be done. Sometimes I would do both at once, like that time somebody on tumblr asked me if I was pro-domestic violence. What an absurd thing to ask somebody, I thought. So I simply responded, "If you thought I was for domestic violence in that passage, re-read it again while thinking, 'Tess isn't for domestic violence.' That should clear it up!"
Sometimes I refer to myself as "Tess" even though the name has nothing to do with me and is just part of the play on words in the title of my blog. Usually I'm Grunion Guy!
What got me thinking about this was a response from Soy to a Facebook post in 2010 (I'm going through my old emails! Nostalgia!) where I mentioned how I didn't want to "debate" him anymore because of his "ready-made arguments and attempts at logical traps." And then Soy, in his attempt to get me to drop my stance of not arguing with his idiocy, wrote, "How much can we learn from people with whom we vehemently agree? ;^)". Which, I'm sure, I didn't respond to because, you know, my rule of not arguing with choads on the Internet. You may begin to understand whom Soy is by that response because it's one you hear all the time from terrible people with terrible politics and the worst ideas about the world when they're trying to accuse other people of being in echo chambers. But my response is simply, "How much can we learn from people with whom we vehemently disagree?" I won't attempt the snide emoticon which, I guess, Soy thought was cute and friendly but, at least to me, looks like the look somebody gives you right before they commit sexual assault. Another response to Soy's inauthentic and meaningless question could have been, "How much have you ever learned from somebody with whom you vehemently disagree, Soy?" I'm sure it was and always will be nothing. Because the people trying to get people to debate them think that they're teaching the rest of the world some kind of capital T "Truth". And you can't argue Truth! You either succumb to its Truthiness or you remain a heathen blaspheming Godless piece of shit.
Yes, Soy. I chose heathen blaspheming Godless piece of shit rather than what you chose: "Defender of Western Civilization and Purveyor of the Truth." Both of those, really, are just synonyms for authoritarianism.
One last comment of Soy's from 2010 because I find him endlessly fascinating. Not likeable! Just fascinating! "I mention politics, and [Grunion Guy] emerges. Calling me names, no less! Welcome, brother! My point was this: The author seems to blame most of our ills on Republicans. I think that's a bit too simplistic, since we vote our representatives into office. So, with all of his contempt for our representatives, perhaps he should be blaming America's esteemed voters themselves?"
Here, Soy poses a question at the end that he thinks is some kind of logical trap. "Oho! I have replaced the target of his ire with a target that people would look down on him for targeting! Plus I called them 'America's esteemed voters' so that should really put him in a pickle if he dares to answer that with, 'Okay, yeah, fine. I blame the voters.'" Which is exactly how I would have answered that! Sure, fine! I will blame the voters! Now you have every reason to attack me directly because I've shown myself to be angry or against America or something. It's been awhile but I bet back in 2010, I could have predicted exactly how Soy would have answered me if I agreed with him that the voters should be blamed.
Enough about that authoritarian! Let's read about Batman! And Gotham City. Let's begin with a quick Gotham history lesson from Elijah Snow:
I'm disappointed that he doesn't mention the goats the hamlet was named after. They were probably on drugs too.
Jakita introduces Elijah to two of the Gotham City office Planetary staff: Dick Grayson and Jaspar. Jaspar looks suspiciously like The Joker. Like identical. I suppose even before this moment — perhaps the moment I picked up a comic book merging the Wildstorm universe with the DC Universe — I should have realized this was an Elseworlds title. It doesn't say Elseworlds anywhere on the book but in 2003, DC was still playing fast and loose with continuity and canon. I think they believed fans would understand the difference and nobody would be too bothered. I'm not sure why they would have thought that because even without the Internet, rabid continuity fans would bombard their offices with letters mentioning any suggestion that something happened differently than it had appeared to happen before. But with the rise of the Internet and too many fans being able to contact DC's offices and creators way too easily, they probably figured they needed to make every out-of-continuity and non-canon story extremely well-documented as such.
This issue also feels like it's the Gremlins of DC Comics in that the cover didn't have any kind of Mature rating on it but the content within immediately winds up being more mature than you'd usually see in a Batman funny book. Like The Drummer fucking a television set showing ant porn.
This issue also feels like it's the Gremlins of DC Comics in that the cover didn't have any kind of Mature rating on it but the content within immediately winds up being more mature than you'd usually see in a Batman funny book. Like The Drummer fucking a television set showing ant porn.
Maybe Cassaday just had something in his contract that stated his covers couldn't be modified even with Elseworlds or Mature Content labels?
I know it was mentioned multiple times that The Drummer enjoys fucking gadgets and gizmos but is this the first time he's shown actually doing it? And you know he's got his dick inside an A/V connection (possibly the tight little RF input!) because Jakita tells The Drummer to "zip it up"! Meaning his pants! His dick is out of his zipper!
What I was trying to point out with that Gremlins reference is that DC probably got yelled at by some Karen somewhere (not Berger! She was cool!) about their comics needing a stricter rating. Or any at all, apparently!
I just remembered in the previous Planetary Loves the Justice League, Batman wanted to destroy Planetary. For good reasons! They were more like the Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in that book. So now I'm wondering: is this version of Planetary the good guys or the bad guys? Is Batman, whatever they are, their opposite? Does The Joker make a good bureaucrat?
Planetary have come to Gotham to seek out John Black, the son of a man who was experimented on in City Zero. That means he likely has powers, perhaps god-like powers, and they, being diggers up of information, would like to know what kinds of powers he might display.
What I was trying to point out with that Gremlins reference is that DC probably got yelled at by some Karen somewhere (not Berger! She was cool!) about their comics needing a stricter rating. Or any at all, apparently!
I just remembered in the previous Planetary Loves the Justice League, Batman wanted to destroy Planetary. For good reasons! They were more like the Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in that book. So now I'm wondering: is this version of Planetary the good guys or the bad guys? Is Batman, whatever they are, their opposite? Does The Joker make a good bureaucrat?
Planetary have come to Gotham to seek out John Black, the son of a man who was experimented on in City Zero. That means he likely has powers, perhaps god-like powers, and they, being diggers up of information, would like to know what kinds of powers he might display.
I was going to joke that that's not a power but based on the zero people I've killed and the belief I couldn't kill any, I have to admit it's a power!
A lot of psycho people (especially men but women are psycho too. Think Kristi Noem) fantasize about killing other people. Most of them think they are good people so those fantasies of murdering somebody are ensconced in the narrative of a home invasion or somebody threatening their lives. But the impulse is still to imagine yourself murdering another human being. I don't even have that! I figure the only way I would murder another human being would be to save one of my cats. I probably wouldn't even bother with my own life because thank you, murderer, for setting me free!
Maybe I should add an addendum to people having fantasies about murdering people because I'm giving a lot of them too much benefit of the doubt with the "home invasion" fantasy. There's a direct line from Soy Rakelson arguing that it's wrong for liberals to call Republicans names (those were some of his arguments in the Facebook thread I was recently revisiting. That liberals pointing out that Republicans are selfish bastards is the real problem (sounds familiar, right?! Yeah, they haven't really come up with any new arguments other than "What if we just dropped the dog whistles? Those take too much imagination and most of our voter base are too stupid to hear them")) to Republicans now believing that liberals are so awful that murdering them is actually a righteous position. You can argue that's cynical and hyperbolic if you want but I'll just point out how many hand jobs Kyle Rittenhouse has gotten from Conservatives since he murdered a guy with a skateboard.
Fair warning: I'll probably be referring to a lot of my old emails as I nostalgia my way through 16 years of saved emails.
The Joker and Nightwing continue with the "John Black" debrief.
Maybe I should add an addendum to people having fantasies about murdering people because I'm giving a lot of them too much benefit of the doubt with the "home invasion" fantasy. There's a direct line from Soy Rakelson arguing that it's wrong for liberals to call Republicans names (those were some of his arguments in the Facebook thread I was recently revisiting. That liberals pointing out that Republicans are selfish bastards is the real problem (sounds familiar, right?! Yeah, they haven't really come up with any new arguments other than "What if we just dropped the dog whistles? Those take too much imagination and most of our voter base are too stupid to hear them")) to Republicans now believing that liberals are so awful that murdering them is actually a righteous position. You can argue that's cynical and hyperbolic if you want but I'll just point out how many hand jobs Kyle Rittenhouse has gotten from Conservatives since he murdered a guy with a skateboard.
Fair warning: I'll probably be referring to a lot of my old emails as I nostalgia my way through 16 years of saved emails.
The Joker and Nightwing continue with the "John Black" debrief.
Dick Grayson outs himself as a secret Brit with the whole "body with prints on" bit. Next he'll be saying he was stood nearby the body or that it was found not wearing pants. Meaning underwear, of course!
The next crime scene photograph Dick shows them consists of three victims all seemingly merged at the torso. Elijah Snow assumes it was caused by some kind of alternate reality temporal disturbance but he's forgetting he's in Gotham and that just might be some weird Batman villain named The Rat King or something. Elijah mentions he was somewhere he wasn't supposed to be in 1986. If I had to think about somewhere I wasn't supposed to be in 1986, the only thing I can come up with is at Shoreline Amphitheater at a Bon Jovi/Cinderella concert. My first concert if you don't count The Country Bear Jamboree or a weekend at Chuck E. Cheese!
The team heads to Crime Alley to do some investigating the way Elijah Snow learned to detectivate from Sherlock Holmes and Dracula.
The team heads to Crime Alley to do some investigating the way Elijah Snow learned to detectivate from Sherlock Holmes and Dracula.
By "deliberate and clearly defined arc," Elijah's talking about John Black's character arc, right? Because John Black is Batman, right?
If there aren't any detectives to catch John Black then John Black is Gotham's greatest detective! Right? Is that Logic 101? Hmm. Okay, maybe John Black isn't Batman. But I had to write it just in case it turns out to be true so I can be all, "Ha ha! I knew it!" But if it doesn't wind up true, we can all simply forget I suggested it.
While in Crime Alley, Planetary stumbles upon John Black and a half-dissolved hooker. That's an old-fashioned term for sex worker! That's the kind of crack detective work that Sherlock Holmes would be proud of! Once you eliminate anywhere the criminal isn't, you'll accidentally be where the criminal is! Maybe that was more luck than detective work.
John Black manifests a kind of temporal reality field similar to the thing Ambrose Chase can do. After the field's gone, John Black staggers away while Planetary realizes they're suddenly in a completely different Gotham. One that contains The Batman!
This is where I'd usually scan the picture with Batman but you know what he looks like. Dark cowl. Cape. Bat on his chest. Pants on the outside of his trousers.
Jakita tells Batman they're dealing with the man who killed the hooker but Batman, being a control freak, is all, "Not in my city, you won't!" And then they fight. Should I have put fight in quotation marks? Because how can Batman stand up to Jakita Wagner? Sure, he can defeat all of his friends in the case they go mental but that's because they've all leaked their weaknesses to him. How can Batman beat a super fast, super strong woman whom he knows nothing about?!
While in Crime Alley, Planetary stumbles upon John Black and a half-dissolved hooker. That's an old-fashioned term for sex worker! That's the kind of crack detective work that Sherlock Holmes would be proud of! Once you eliminate anywhere the criminal isn't, you'll accidentally be where the criminal is! Maybe that was more luck than detective work.
John Black manifests a kind of temporal reality field similar to the thing Ambrose Chase can do. After the field's gone, John Black staggers away while Planetary realizes they're suddenly in a completely different Gotham. One that contains The Batman!
This is where I'd usually scan the picture with Batman but you know what he looks like. Dark cowl. Cape. Bat on his chest. Pants on the outside of his trousers.
Jakita tells Batman they're dealing with the man who killed the hooker but Batman, being a control freak, is all, "Not in my city, you won't!" And then they fight. Should I have put fight in quotation marks? Because how can Batman stand up to Jakita Wagner? Sure, he can defeat all of his friends in the case they go mental but that's because they've all leaked their weaknesses to him. How can Batman beat a super fast, super strong woman whom he knows nothing about?!
OH! Through pure sexiness is how!
Before Jakita bends a couple of pipes into weapons to beat Batman to death, she mentions how beating men in fetish bat costumes is one of the things that keeps her going and, well, apparently one that fights back is exactly what she's looking for in a partner.
Jakita goes easy on Batman for a number of pages because women love foreplay. But then John Black does his alternate reality thing again and suddenly old-school Batman turns into Adam West Batman and Jakita loses her lady boner almost immediately.
Jakita goes easy on Batman for a number of pages because women love foreplay. But then John Black does his alternate reality thing again and suddenly old-school Batman turns into Adam West Batman and Jakita loses her lady boner almost immediately.
I didn't even read this page before saying Jakita lost her lady boner. I just understand her character arc. And her fetishes.
I don't know what Batman sprays in her face to drive Jakita away but it's probably Cougar Repellant. Get it?! See, she's, inexplicably, much older than Adam West was when he played Batman. So her trying to fuck the alternate '40s Batman (who was probably even younger) makes her a cougar! And we know Batman keeps sprays on him that repel certain animals. Plus not only would he never hit a woman, he would never allow a woman to suck him off. Loser.
Oh wait! The next page shows the name on the can and, well, let me just be the first to congratulate me on being exactly right once again.
Oh wait! The next page shows the name on the can and, well, let me just be the first to congratulate me on being exactly right once again.
Not about the cougar repellant, obvs! But about how Adam West Batman wouldn't let a woman suck him off!
Since Jakita isn't exactly a villain, I'm assuming that repellant simply works against any woman at all. And Robin.
If you're wondering, "What Batman could possibly appear after John Black's next temporal seizure?", you're showing you ignorance on comic books. Because we all know it's going to be Frank Miller's Dark Knight. I mean, sure, I saw it on the opposite page. But it's what I would have guessed anyway!
Miller's Dark Knight does a little ass kicking because he's actually more like Midnighter. That makes it believable that he could stand toe-to-toe with Jakita and Elijah anyway. After he bests Planetary, he's changed again by a time-shift and becomes the Batman I think of as the Mike W. Barr/Jim Aparo Batman. Is that just pre-Crisis Batman? Post-Crisis Batman? Crisis-Crisis Batman? He's definitely the most detective-like and probably the one most willing to listen to Planetary.
This Batman does take the time to listen to them. And he almost gives in and allows them to deal with him but, you know, he's still Batman. And he's all, "Things must be done the right way! First arrest. Then Arkham. Then escape. Then loads of dead citizens. Then a fist fight. Then another arrest. Then Arkham. Then escape. Then loads of dead citizens. Then a fist fight. Then arrest. Then Blackgate. Then forgotten. Then years go by. Then Johns or Morrison or Gaiman make him even scarier. Then escape. Then loads of dead planets. And so on." So while he doesn't fight them, he does delay long enough for one more alternate reality shift.
If you're wondering, "What Batman could possibly appear after John Black's next temporal seizure?", you're showing you ignorance on comic books. Because we all know it's going to be Frank Miller's Dark Knight. I mean, sure, I saw it on the opposite page. But it's what I would have guessed anyway!
Miller's Dark Knight does a little ass kicking because he's actually more like Midnighter. That makes it believable that he could stand toe-to-toe with Jakita and Elijah anyway. After he bests Planetary, he's changed again by a time-shift and becomes the Batman I think of as the Mike W. Barr/Jim Aparo Batman. Is that just pre-Crisis Batman? Post-Crisis Batman? Crisis-Crisis Batman? He's definitely the most detective-like and probably the one most willing to listen to Planetary.
This Batman does take the time to listen to them. And he almost gives in and allows them to deal with him but, you know, he's still Batman. And he's all, "Things must be done the right way! First arrest. Then Arkham. Then escape. Then loads of dead citizens. Then a fist fight. Then another arrest. Then Arkham. Then escape. Then loads of dead citizens. Then a fist fight. Then arrest. Then Blackgate. Then forgotten. Then years go by. Then Johns or Morrison or Gaiman make him even scarier. Then escape. Then loads of dead planets. And so on." So while he doesn't fight them, he does delay long enough for one more alternate reality shift.
Oh no! Original Batman with a gun! I though, culturally, we were all supposed to have forgotten this one!
The Drummer taps into the memories in Crime Alley (which they're all still in!) and learns about Batman's origin. This causes a shift to Idealized Future Batman! He's the Batman that has made the world a better place through doing the right thing and not using a gun. This version of Batman listens to Planetary and realizes giving John Black into their care is the only compassionate option that also makes the world better and safer.
Inspirational Batman is the best Batman!
Batman chooses not to use the weapons of his enemies (you know, guns!). But Inspirational Batman takes it one step further. He chooses to use the weapons that his enemy could never use: compassion, empathy, kindness. I love Idealized Batman!
And so does Jakita!
The Ranking!
Excellent! I love alternate reality comic books. I think comic books that don't need to rely on continuity and canon make for better entertainment. And yet, they rely on that continuity and canon to make their stories so impactful. You have to understand the lore of Batman to understand this comic book (I mean, sort of. It's not like this is Gravity's Rainbow). So I guess I have to acknowledge that continuity and canon stories are needed so that I can enjoy the occasional non-canon story out of continuity! It's a Catch-22, isn't it? That's some catch, that catch-22!
Excellent! I love alternate reality comic books. I think comic books that don't need to rely on continuity and canon make for better entertainment. And yet, they rely on that continuity and canon to make their stories so impactful. You have to understand the lore of Batman to understand this comic book (I mean, sort of. It's not like this is Gravity's Rainbow). So I guess I have to acknowledge that continuity and canon stories are needed so that I can enjoy the occasional non-canon story out of continuity! It's a Catch-22, isn't it? That's some catch, that catch-22!
