Green Lantern #37

Why is the moon exploding while Xagyg attacks Earth? And why are Earth's continents different?

Last issue, Hal Jordan recruited Black Hand in his battle against the New Gods. That's always a smart move! Because everybody knows that the enemy of your enemy is your friend, at least up until you've defeated your mutual enemy and now your old enemy's enemy has all of the weapons you lent him and knows your strategies and, well, probably hates you too. Sometimes it's best just to remember that the enemy of your enemy is probably your enemy and you should just crush them all at the same time.

This issue begins by introducing me to The Singularity Stockade. It's the New Gods' multiversal prison which I've never heard of before. It's possible that it's brand new and everybody is hearing about it for the first time right now. It looks like a huge golf ball because that's the most aerodynamic form ever created. Unless you don't manage to hit it with absolute pinpoint precision, which is near impossible, and then it tends to fly off into the water or the rough and lots of people laugh at you.

Aboard the New Gods Prison Planet are most of the Green Lanterns and the Star Sapphires and the more important Yellow Lanterns and the only Blue Lantern and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, who is a Green Lantern but deserves special mention for being so adorable. I don't see any Black Lanterns though, so at least these idiots have hope of being rescued. Although they'll have to live down being rescued by Hal Jordan who won't let anybody forget that he saved the day. Especially Sinestro. Boy is Sinestro's nose going to be full of his own piddle soon!

You idiot, Kilowog. Green is right in the center of the spectrum! And it's closer to yellow than indigo! Go back to Seventh Grade Art Class, dumby! Wait. That won't help! Those color charts are different for some reason. According to that class, willpower is the result of hope mixed with fear!

John Stewart attempts to use his ring to escape only to be reminded, once again, that the "greatest weapon in the universe" is just a novelty piece of shit.

Aww, my sweet 2-6-8-1-7-9-5! And a nice burn by Sinestro! Kind of. I mean, really, what does it say about Earthlings that they've had five of them chosen to be Green Lanterns? You'd think it was the only planet in Sector 2814 with those kinds of results.

Sinestro tries to use his Parallax as a means of escape but it refuses to stay erect. Sinestro's shame and impotence is exposed for all to see. Even though the rest of the Lanterns remain trapped after Sinestro's defeat, they're all kind of glad that he fucked up the escape. Who wants that bastard lording it over them that he saved the day? Fuck that guy. Although Sinestro does finish his "gloat at my failure if you want to be a dick about it" speech by pointing out that only one thing could be worse than Sinestro himself saving your ass. Now they are all relying on Hal Jordan.

Speaking of Hal Jordan, he spends some time trying to convince Black Hand to help him until he finally discovers the proper incentive.

Not just any space war! A multiversal space war!

Hal and William head to the Source Wall where they were supposed to meet Sinestro. Instead they meet Orion and a battalion (or squad (or regiment (I don't know military group sizes!))) of Highfather's Divine Guards. Apparently the Divine Guards are no match for g-g-g-g-g-ghosts because Black Hand's Black Lanterns make short work of them. Right up until Black Hand becomes distracted with the realization that the Source Wall is a mass grave and he stops projecting his Black Lanterns into the fray. I guess that's okay because he just discovered a whole new army to bring against the New Gods. An army that has intimate knowledge of The Life Equation!

Green Lantern #37 Rating: No change. Now I wish Black Hand had gotten his own comic book instead of Sinestro.

Green Lantern #36

I wonder how many covers throughout DC's two hundred year history involve a gigantic hand grabbing a hero? I bet the majority of those covers are giant hands grabbing Hal like this one or the giant hand is The Spectre's.

Across the last few issues of Green Lantern, the Green Lanterns have been learning that their most powerful weapon in the universe is a dime store novelty in the face of New Gods technology. And yet the New Gods themselves are treating the rings as the most powerful weapons in the universe. Which leads me to believe that all of the Lanterns are using their rings incorrectly and have no idea what the fuck they're doing. That isn't much of a surprise seeing as how Mogo has lost his ring and not one fucking Green Lantern has offered to give up their ring to save their own fucking headquarters. Somebody could at least pull the Sinestro trick and create a ring for Mogo! I'm beginning to believe that Sinestro isn't an arrogant asshole at all! He is the only person that knows how to use a fucking ring.

I'm going to adapt this speech for use at Thanksgiving on my own father!

Orion might be a loose cannon but even a loose cannon points at the right ship twice a day. Those rings are bullshit! I don't think Highfather needs them to defeat Darkseid at all! I think Highfather just wants a fancy set of cock rings.

Meanwhile the Green Lantern Corps are rushing off to ask Sinestro to teach them how to best utilize their power rings. Too bad they're headed to Sector 3502 instead of Sector 3567 where New Korugar actually is. Can't they do anything right?

Somehow, the Green Lanterns still manage to find New Korugar even with Venditti and his editors constantly fucking up its location. Unless Cullen Bunn fucked up its location! I have no idea where New Korugar really is now!

The entire universe is about to go down the toilet, Bohemian Guardians. Don't fuck up your only chance at saving it by insulting Sinestro!

Don't worry, Sinestro! As I've already pointed out, I know you're the most powerful Lantern in the universe. Kyle Rayner? Most powerful? Don't make me rant!

Hal Jordan's plan for battling the New Gods is to ask William Hand for assistance. The Bohemian Guardians forbid Hal Jordan from recruiting the Black Lanterns to his army. But what right do they have to tell Hal Jordan what to do? They aren't real Guardians! They have no authority here! Which is why Hal Jordan, according to the cover, is probably just going to ignore them.

Sinestro, being Hal Jordan's truest friend and most hated enemy, gives him a good pep talk that involves very little pep and lots of punching. But it serves its purpose! Sinestro convinces Hal Jordan to do what Hal Jordan does best: do something completely irrational!

Dammit! I don't want to find common ground with Hal Jordan! But I think this is why my uncle, an engineer for Lockheed Martin, enjoyed playing Chess with me when I was a stripling. Because my game playing was such a terrific, thoughtless mess that it made it a challenge to beat me.

Sinestro takes the Green and Yellow Lantern Corps to Qward to hide from the New Gods until Hal Jordan can bring back some fodder for the upcoming battle. And that fodder will be given to him by Black Hand and the Black Lantern Corps.

The Black Hand is busy on Earth being the lovable, B-list villain loser he's always been at heart. He's just hanging out in Coast City waiting for Hal Jordan to resume his old school adventures battling villains that never should have posed him much threat as they robbed banks and mugged joggers. He's decided to enjoy an old fashioned circus while he waits for Hal to return to his old school ways.

Why isn't Dick in the act? Oh my God! Dick Grayson isn't really dead!

Hal Jordan asks Black Hand to gather up his ridiculous army and join the fight against the New Gods. I'm sure he'll say yes.

Green Lantern #36 Rating: +1 Ranking simply because Sinestro and The Black Hand were written to my liking. But the Green Lantern Corps themselves aren't doing much to help the ranking of their own book! The jerks abandoned Mogo when they could have easily helped the big guy out! Stupid assholes. Hal Jordan should have marched up to one of those asshat Green Lanterns that refuse to use their ring because of Relic's Peak Emotion Theory, snatched the ring off of their finger, and given it to a great big lovable planet that wants to use the ring for good. Poor Mogo. Nobody fucking cares about Mogo.

Futures End: Pandora #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, while humans try to get on with their lives by broadcasting meaningless nonsense into the ether, another species has been given the chance, quite by nuclear accident, to make some kind of meaning out of universal chaos. Those creatures, just as familiar with civilization as humans, being those urban marauders we once called raccoons.

Skeezer: "Zip Billy, zip Billy! Uph! Uph! Seek sides! Sees? Sees? Top swarmers! Tip top swarmers! Teeth 'em! Teeth 'em! Nit! Nit! Too tip top! Spin off! Skip off! Make big! Slowp, slowp! Make big!"
Billy: "HSSS! HSSS! Flop off, swarmers! Slowp down, swarmers. Gots? Gots chew? Nit teeth ya gots chew! Gives off. Hey! HSSS!"
Goggles: "Hullo, hullo. Now, now. Calms down, ever duster. Give 'em some room. Make it easy on 'em. Dey ain't gonna try nuffin' mit dis here scattergun pointed up dere cute little noses, sees it?"
Skeezer: "HSSS! Gives off sting stick, swarmer! Gives off! Billy? Zip Billy! Zip har!"
Billy: "HSSS! HSSS! Skip off! Zip har ya, Skeezer!"
Goggles: "Ain't no duster gonna teef no ovver duster here, ja? Keep calms, ya fuzzers. Ain't no use teefin' us, see? Gots chew right her, Old Goggles does."
Skeezer: "*SNIFF SNIFF* Rand chew! Resher chew! Give off, ya? Give off!"
Goggles: "Go on. Youse can haves it, see? Whole bag a kitten chow, ja? None us desperate enough ta eats it yet."
Skeezer: "Make big! Big! Gives off!"
Goggles: *dumping big bag of kitten chow across the road*
Skeezers, Billy, and half a dozen other mutant biker raccoons hop off their bikes and begin rubbing the kitten chow around the road.
Goggles: "Any duster here speak raccoon? Or dey jess got dese here single dozen words dey gonna use over und over 'gain?"
Archivist Melville: "Why don't we just spread out the rest of the bags of cat food and go around them while they're eating? Maybe we can leave Weasel with them as well? I think he's gonna be a goner from infection anyway."
Goggles: "Naw, las' fing we need teachin' dese here raccoon men dat man flesh as tasty as it is. Donna need no competition on dat front, sees? Jess dumps out all dat kitten chow we been hoardin' and let dese fings feast, ja?"
Archivist Melville: "Wasting all of that food on mutant biker raccoons will not please the lower voices, Goggles. They're already grumbling about your rationing."
Goggles: "What else can we do? Corpse and eat dese fings? Dat meat cain't be no good, ja? Radioactive y merde."
Archivist Melville: "Hmm. Yes, I think we can convince everybody giving up the cat food is in our best interests. The lower classes have traded in urban legends about the raccoon bikers for enough years to make them superstitious and frightened about aggravating them. I'll organize the caravan to go around if you want to dump out the food. They seem to like you."
Goggles: "Fuckity. Ja, ja. Okay."
Goggles walks around to the trunk of the limousine which Archivist Melville pops open before heading back to where Goggles' throng wait nervously. He begins organizing them in two separate groups to head around the raccoons on either side of them. Goggles begins lugging big bags of dry kibble cat food into the road, tearing them open, and spilling the contents amidst the frenzied raccoon men.
Skeezers: "All chew, swarmer! All chew!"
Goggles: "Yeah, yeah. All the fuckity chew for youse and yer pals."
Goggles empties the trunk of cat kibble, slams it shut, and tosses a Futures End: Pandora comic book into their midst.
Goggles: "Here. Enjoy sum readin' material while ya eat, ya fuckity fuzzers."
Skeezers: "HSSS! HSSS! Skip off!"
Goggles: "Yeah, yeah. Old Goggs be skippin', sees it?"
Goggles gets into the front of the limousine, puts it into gear, and slowly edges around the feeding raccoons, eventually merging with the caravan slowly passing to either side of the gang as the lower voices gawk and stare at one of the more insane sights The Dusty Stretches has to offer.

Skeezer stands up, nose twitching, lips pulled back, sharp teeth bared. Billy sits upon the colorful book Goggles tossed at them. "Give off, Billy. Give off!" Billy looks up, stands, and hisses, baring fangs covered in cat food mush. Skeezer takes a swipe at him, bloodying Billy's nose. Billy drops to all fours and scurries off behind his bike where he begins eating kibble from off of the road again. Skeezer sniffs at the Pandora comic book and cautiously reaches out a paw. He touches it with his right paw, then his left, then his right, then his left. He sniffs it a bit and then touches it again, alternating paws back and forth. He stares off at the others, or through the others, or off into some place nobody else can see. Eventually, his ritual finished, he picks up the book and gives it a lick. His tongue scrapes across the lenticular surface, making a sound like a record needle skipping across a bumped record. He sniffs it again, then sits back with his legs sprawled out in front of him. Carefully, he opens the comic, and begins sniffing at the pictures.

Skeezer sounds out the words, slowly, cautiously. "Balty-more. Mary-land."

"HSSS! Reading City! Reading City, swarmers begs now!" screeches Billy from over his shoulder, standing up and looking down at the comic book. He carefully licks the blood dripping from the side of his nose as he paws obsessively, maybe intimately, at Skeezer's shoulders. Skeezer snuffles and nods, carefully tasting the next group of words somewhere along the sides of his tongue.

"Do ya sees lig hit?" Skeezer doesn't remember when he first began to recognize the symbols painted on every hideaway built by the swarmers. It must have been before the growing time though. He and his family would listen, and watch. They would wait in the underground built by the swarmers, eyes peering out into the darkness, waiting for the swarmers to lie still before stealthily making their way into the swarmers' world. Skeezer remembers nights when he and his sisters and brothers would chase hundreds of cockroaches from the underground and up into the lights. They would drive them like the swarmers' cattle, grasping and chewing and teething and feasting. But what he really enjoyed were the rubbins. They would knock them over and dump the contents across the world, always finding treats and chews, tasties and belly fillers. And, it seemed, he was learning a great deal even then. Becoming more than just a four legged night dweller trespassing on the swarmers' secrets. But it wasn't until the growing time that he found he could speak the swarmers' symbols, and open the swarmers' hideyholes, and ride the swarmers' zip zips. Most of the knowledge the raccoons possessed, they had already gathered before the growing time. Once the change had occurred, they found it easy enough to put their knowledge to use. Some would say the raccoons had mutated and were thus able to enter the world of men. But they had entered the world of men many, many decades hence, learning and stealing for years and years.

Skeezer works his way through the entire comic. He has time; there is much food and it will all be eaten before dark. While there is light, he struggles through the swarmer book.

Billy grows bored quickly, leaving Skeezer to go snuffle up more kibble for himself, rolling over in it, rubbing individual pieces between his paws, eventually falling asleep sprawled out on the road. Skeezer continues to concentrate, to try to understand. Why do the swarmers put down the symbols? Do they point to a hidden cache of food? What else is there? If not food, what then? This Pandora character...who is she? Is she a raccoon as well? She, like Skeezer, repeats the same actions, over and over and over. But Pandora sees a flaw in this way of life. How could finding food, eating, sleeping, fucking, living, finding food, eating, sleeping, fucking, living, finding food...how can that be flawed? That is life. That is the way of things. But Pandora changes the pattern. And she finds happiness and hope in changing the pattern. Why?

Skeezer chews at the inside of his mouth. Something worries him intensely. He feels as if he just dropped down the inside of a fence to find a great barker drooling at him. He wants to scramble up something, or dig down below. His tail poofs, his hackles rise. He looks around and hisses at nothing, at everything. What is there to change? Why should Skeezer change? Is there...is there more? Something else? How could there be more? What more is needed?

Why do the swarmers make the symbols?! Skeezer drops the book and stands up, as tall as he can make himself. He hisses loudly but the others continue to snore or eat or fuck. He has awoken a barker that he cannot see but he can feel all around him and he doesn't know where to flee. He looks down at the comic and defecates on it. He scratches at it and kicks it away. He is panting now, and the world has gone blurry as it does when the sky wet comes down and mattes his fur. But the sky is blue and the ground is unwatered. Skeezer glances over at Billy. Something is missing. Something has been lost. Something has been awakened. Skeezer drops down on all fours and scurries to Billy's side. He sniffs at Billy's neck, and rubs his face with both paws, alternating one after the other. Billy fidgets but does not wake. Skeezer howls, drops his paws, and slowly, carefully, curls up against Billy's stomach. Billy puts an arm around Skeezer's shoulder, pawing, washing, fidgeting. And suddenly Skeezer feels calm settle down on him once again. His panic subsides. Some kibble sits near his nose and he flicks out his tongue, pulling it into his mouth. He crunches it slowly, sleepily, and eventually falls asleep enfolded in Billy's fuzzy embrace. For the first time, he dreams of something other than eating, other than fucking, other than the ritual. He will not remember the dream. But it will have an effusive, mysterious lasting effect. He does not know why but it makes him happy.

Pandora #14

Yes! That fucking whore Supergirl can go fuck that lame Michael all she wants if Tig appears in this comic book! Um, I called Michael "lame" because he's a stupid girlfriend stealing douchebag and not because he's in a wheelchair. That would be wrong and I never say insensitive things. Except for maybe that whore comment. But that's understandable because she broke my heart and I have to condition myself to hate her or my pillow will forever be soaked in tears!

I was watching some Big Brother earlier tonight because it's the best show on television. And that's coming from the voice of the resurrected soul of John Steinbeck, Jim Morrison, and George Eliot, so you have to weight the merits of that statement with that in mind. The part I want you to keep in your mind is how you'd listen to and respect the opinions of the people I just named, so you should respect my opinion too. Don't keep in your mind that nonsense idea that I suddenly believe in a transmigratory soul that jumps from human being to human being like a sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, I was watching Big Brother and took some notes on some commercials I wanted to discuss.

First, they've released a new television trailer for A Dolphin Tale 2, possibly in my response to the feelings it generated in me which were substantial enough to arouse my ardor and rewrite the trailer for them. I may have used some words incorrectly in that last sentence. Now instead of a trailer showing a bunch of white people (plus Morgan Freeman, who, come on, is pretty much a white guy) patting themselves on the back for fixing a white person problem (namely helping a captive dolphin not be lonely or some shit), the trailer shows a bunch of white people who love a dolphin very much but realize that they have to "release it from captivity" if it's going to survive. So now they're patting themselves on the back for freeing an intelligent animal from a cage even though they loved it very much and it was hard to give it its freedom because they would lose their good shiny feelings forever. Way to go, White People!

The second commercial is the Best Foods Olive Oil Miracle Whip Commercial where some guy in a firehouse has just made sandwiches for the rest of the firemen. They're digging in, biting deeply into sandwiches with white, gooey goo dripping out the sides and running down the corners of their mouth when the guy who made them says, "That's not Miracle Whip in your sandwiches!" And they keep eating! Nobody fucking spits that cum sandwich out and begins vomiting all over the table! I'm surprised the guy that made the sandwiches wasn't fucking beat down before he could get out the second sentence which is, "That's a different kind of Miracle Whip in your sandwich! Um, surprise? No? No big deal? Enh, I jerked it on the bread, you dildos."

The last commercial I wanted to discuss is an Esurance commercial. Those commercials have really gone downhill since they fire Erin Esurance as their mascot. She was cuter than Supergirl! But not Tig! Anyway, some woman is standing on the roof of her house with a megaphone shouting about how she needs help fixing her house. Her neighbors stand around judging the way she's going about her business. One says, "That's not how you do that." No? That's not how you have a mental breakdown? Because your neighbor is fucking losing it and you're trying to point her to some insurance website? Go fucking calm her down and get her off the roof, you asshole! Before she starts shooting kids off their bikes!

That's it on my current round of commercials that get me muttering like a madman at the television while the Non-Certified Spouse just looks at me and says, "Why do you even bother watching television?" Although she probably feels like she's getting a break from my ranting when it's just commercials playing on the screen. You should see me froth at the mouth when the local news is on! Holy fuck I hate those idiots!

Oh wait! I forgot one! That trailer for November Man looks good, doesn't it? What was the pitch meeting for that movie? "Imagine this: the best killer ever. Now imagine this: the other best killer ever. Now--are you imagining?--imagine this: they're trying to kill each other!" Jesus Christ. Enough with the movies where the protagonist manages to be missed by five thousand bullets in two hours.

Okay! Now the Final Issue of Pandora starring, hopefully, Tig! Although I didn't like the art in the last issue at all and it's the same art team of Portela and Dalhouse this time. Maybe I don't want to see them draw Tig? I'm so nervous!

Oh my God! What did they do to you Tig?!

Ha ha! Just kidding! That's a picture of Will Arnett. Or Amy Sedaris. Definitely not Alison Brie!

Pandora currently has a problem. SHADE Agent, Agent Kincaid, took away her healing powers. Now the immortal can't heal and she can't die, so she's kind of fucked up. But she has a plan and it involves becoming a vampire! Maybe. That seems to be where the story is headed after reading the first two panels. Maybe she'll become Harvest?

Pandora, Shade Agent Agent Kincaid, and Giganta have become vampire hunters! They might even be better vampire hunters than that cheerleader that had a television show for a few years.

Really? I was going to say AIDS.

I hope nobody uses the phrase "the big bad" during this issue.

One of the vampires turns into mist and gets away because they do that kind of thing in comic books. Real vampires can't turn into mist though. That's just superstition! Real vampires wear lots of mascara and black clothing and sit on the park bench furthest away from everybody else on their high school campus rolling their eyes at the fools that enjoy being around other people.

While Pandora searches for the misty vampire, she meets Andrew Bennett.

That's going to suck, what with the not being able to heal and all.

Once the misunderstanding is over, Bennett and The Mother of All Monsters begin hunting together.

I see Pandora's clothes still retain most of their healing ability.

Meanwhile, SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid hires Giganta to join the Creature Commandos. She can be the incredibly shrinking woman! Of course she shrinks down from giant size to normal size but you have to stick with the classic name, right? Also, can Giganta go smaller than her normal height?

The Big Goods encounter lots and lots of vampires including one that is probably referred to as a vampire king since it's like a bunch of vampires all tangled up into one grotesque, piss-smelling vampire. I can see how that would be good if you want to scare the shit out of someone but it doesn't seem like it would be particularly advantageous in a fight. Too many arms and legs spoil the soup or something. Why do we talk in cliches and idioms? I blame Jesus for never being able to give his disciples a straight answer. It was always "parable this" and "allegory that." And his disciples never understood anyway so Jesus always had to explain what he meant by the story anyway. No wonder he allowed himself to be killed. Who would have wanted to spend another day with those assholes after they got trashed and blacked out at Gethsemane?

They defeat the vampires and not a sign of Tig. Poopsicles.

SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid extends her offer of employment to Pandora as well to do good by hunting monsters. That's a good idea! Get the Mother of All Monsters to lead the Creature Commandos! Is that comic book going to fire up again next year with a new roster? Pandora, Mother of All Monsters! Giganta, The Incredible Shrinking Woman! Dr. Jekyll and Missus Hyde! Nina, the Lady Creature from the Black Lagoon! And Agent Kincaid, The Dark Half! Hmm, maybe this should just be the roster for the next Birds of Prey.

Pandroa #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. Possibly -10 Ranking. Was this the final issue? What the fuck was the point of Pandora? Her entire connection with Flashpoint and the reboot was never followed up in this series. Or was it? Did I sleep through significant revelations? It's possible I didn't notice what I was reading because I was trying to think up some new dick jokes. Speaking of dick jokes, take another look at the cover. Is Andrew Bennett wielding his cock? His hand looks uncircumcised. Um, anyway, I guess that's the end? Or something? For now! Because, you know, there's a Futures End issue next month which you can forget about by October since it takes place in a future that will never come to pass. Probably.

Pandora #13

I'm not even going to pretend I understand how her right arm is doing what it's doing.

This issue begins with more art with which I'm not entirely pleased. I'm not even close to not entirely pleased. I'm way over on the dis side of pleased. But what can I do? I suppose I could go on Twitter and tell Francis Portela to draw more betterer. Why can't good old Francis draw more dynamic characters the way Rob Liefeld does it! Or used to do it? You know, I've never actually read a Rob Liefeld drawn book with dynamic characters and yet that's the way most of his fans defend his style. I remember it far differently! Nearly every character was posed like an action figure with three points of articulation!

Andrew Dalhouse might be part of the art problem too. His coloring is flat and boring and not at all pink and lively! Why is everything gray and brown? When there is a color like red or yellow or orange, it's actually Nearly-Red or Nearly-Orange or Nearly-Almost-But-Not-Quite-Yellow. Or it looks like I'm viewing the colors through plexiglass on a foggy day.

See?! Oh wait. The colors actually look brighter and more vibrant in the scan! Maybe I should scan every page before I read it!

That little building with all the smoke is where Marcus lived in 1800 BCE in Greece. Even back then, he was Pandora's weapons maker. Although his skin was a bit pinker and he had more hair. But in a few panels, he's just as dead as he is in July of 2014. But an old Greek woman teaches Pandora the proper way to burn Marcus so that he will be reborn with his most important aspects intact. Those aspects are his weapons making ability and the other one that Pandora likes so much. Oh, you know the one I'm hinting at! The one that most guys don't like doing! Cooking! And I don't mean on a grill! I mean proper cooking with recipes and ovens and pots simmering over and sometimes even baking which is somehow different than cooking but still quite important.

Oh! I almost forgot! To properly perform the Ritual of Reborning, Pandora must speak these words in Old Runic Portugese [sic]: "Do it, yo! Shebitch."

Once Agent Agent Kincaid patches up Pandora's wounds, Pandora explains to them that she must burn Marcus's body so that his soul will be reborn. Then she must find him again, and raise him to be her lover. Um. Ew. I'm less concerned that she seems to kidnap him from his real family than I am that she acts as his mother until he's old enough to do it to. No wonder SHADE thinks she's a monster!

I know you've lived through various cultures with various beliefs, Pandora, but can we please try to make it at least seventeen years before the hanky and the panky?

Giganta and Agent Agent Kincaid help Pandora with the ritual although Pandora gets the Old Runic Portugese [sic] words wrong. It still works because "Do it, yo. Shebitch" are probably outdated magic words and offensive to modern magic sensibilities. Although her new magic chant is "Come back to me, you retarded nigger faggot" which seems the tiniest bit insensitive. It's possible I'm purposely mistranslating her Old Runic Portugese [sic] because I'm an asshole.

Pandora has a vision that Marcus is currently being born in Okinawa to loving parents that are going to be majorly traumatized in the near future.

Once the ritual is over, Agent Agent Kincaid offers Pandora and Giganta a chance to be dropped from SHADE's most wanted list. It seems Baltimore is about to be overrun with a vampire infestation and if they help, she'll pull some strings and SHADE will leave them alone.

The Vampire Cult is run by a super sexy Vampire Queen who might be Bloody Mary. She also might be completely racist since all of her vampire brethren are white. I think.

Come on! This is Baltimore! I'd expect at least half of these vampires to be, um, more urban!

Pandora #13 Rating: No change. This comic book didn't answer the question, "Where did Vandal Savage land?" I hope Marcus is born to a family that lives in a haunted apartment complex where people have transplanted eyes that see the dead and live in apartments where somebody did something awful and a vengeful spirit has remained behind! Or maybe somebody watched a cursed video tape and then forgot to make copies of it and force other people to watch it and so the scary well girl began coming out of television sets and killing people all over the place. Now I want to stop reading all American comic books and just read Japanese horror comics.

Pandora #12

Why is there an interrobang after "death"? It's not like adding "death" to the end of the phrase "battle to the" is a surprise! Now if it were "battle to the orgasm," it might call for an interrobang.

Sometime during the last issue, Pandora had her regenerative powers negated by SHADE agent, Agent Kincaid (who is a werecrow (and a white woman (and a horrible person))). Then Vandal Savage arrived to take advantage of Pandora's sudden vulnerability.

This issue begins with Marcus Aurelius forgetting to say something really wise before he dies.

"Aaaargle baaarrrggle" isn't the most memorable final saying but I suppose it's hard to come up with anything good when your neck is broken.

Pandora tries to save him with some of her World Merging power. Unless the power she used was her Visiting Sad Places power. It could also have been her First Issue Cameo power. Whichever power she uses, she fails. But I think she's able to channel Marcus's actual last words in Runespeak! They're much better than "Aaaargle baaarrrggle"!

His very wise final words are these: "F yo eyes, punk!" So beautiful.

A battle ensues and for the first time since The New 52 began, I'm not enjoying Vandal Savage. He's been written so well in all of his other appearances and now he's just a douche teasing Pandora because she's sad about losing Marcus. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with him teasing her because she's shown weakness. All weakness should be attacked and mocked. Why else would they teach that experience in high school if it wasn't an important value to our society? If it was a bad thing, teachers and other students would step in when someone is humiliated for showing any sign of weakness. So I'm not upset that Vandal is teaching Pandora that crying is for stupid jerks. I'm upset at the below par cleverness of his taunts. They're repetitive and weak. Somebody should come along and start hassling Vandal Savage for using such weak insults. That'll show him.

Oh. There we go! Nice one, Werecrow!

Agent Kincaid's one-liner might not seem that witty but it's fitting. She brings the whole love is weak thing back around and turns it on its head when she makes Vandal weak while expressing SHADE's love for him. It's a bit sloppy but I get the point! And now the playing field is even between Pandora and Vandal.

Once Vandal gets beat up a bit and is tossed from the top of the building, he begins to regain some of his devilish pomposity. Agent Kincaid and Pandora also fall from the building though, and they take it a lot worse than Vandal. I think his anger and his arrogance are what fuel his immortality and there isn't a creature on Earth that can battle against the force of his will.

I bet people think Vandal Savage would be a great lay after all his years and experience on Earth. But I bet he's the worst. He probably treats all intercourse as just another method of masturbation and satisfying his own needs.

Savage toys with Pandora a bit more before she repeats Marcus's last words and blinds him. Of course that only stalls him for a few seconds to allow Agent Kincaid to step in and threaten Pandora. Wait, what? What kind of stupid move is that?! Pandora is broken and dying and not a threat at all at this point! Yet Vandal Savage seems as strong as when the battle began. Point the gun at him, you stupid morphy!

Sorry! Sorry! I let my passion get the best of me. I apologize for using a shapeshifter slur. I don't know what got into me. I've never used the M-word before in my life! I know an apology isn't going to make up for all the shapeshifter's who had to read that word in print which caused them to...um, well, you know. Have hurt feelings? Be disgusted with me? Feel righteous indignation when they called me a typically disgusting one-shape? Make them weep uncontrollably because of a word in print? Well, I'm sure the shape-shifting community will feel good once they've tarred and feathered me in a public forum and ruined my life for the poor judgment I had in typing a single word. I totally deserve it.

Kincaid doesn't kill Pandora and Vandal Savage doesn't kill anyone because Giganta arrives to save her new best friend!

It's good to see a powerhouse like Giganta actually get to act like a powerhouse for once.

Giganta demands that Pandora be given back her regenerative powers or else Kincaid is going on a fantastic voyage, if you know what I'm saying! And if you don't, you probably just think I mean Giganta is going to throw her into the ocean like she did with Vandal, so it really doesn't matter because that's something, I guess.

Pandora #12 Rating: -5 Ranking. I don't know why this comic book is as high in my rankings as it is and so I'm fixing that right now. Especially since the art has been sub-par over the last couple of issues. At least I got to see Vandal Savage topless!

Pandora #11

Vandal Savage is going to be in this comic book and he didn't make the cover? I guess DC doesn't want to sell very many issues.

Hey Pandora! Are you completely embarrassed about how shitty your story has become? You were like the biggest big deal in The New 52 before this shit even began! You were all making cameo's in Flashpoint when the worlds merged and shit. People were all, "Whoa! Who the fuck is that woman?! What does she have to do with DC fucking up their shit?" And then you made an appearance in every single first issue of The New 52. All the fans were ruining their underwear with sexual juices of the female and male kinds (you know the kinds! The sexy kinds that happen for sex!) and screaming on the internet, "Who is this mysterious person?! What does she have to do with anything?!" Unless they weren't. It's probable that everybody already knew from the solicits and the big mouths at DC that it was Pandora and that she would be an integral part of Flashpoint and The New 52.

But where are you now, Pandora? Is your skull still going to be valuable?! Are you going to fix it and open it again and create the third weekly comic book, Multiversity? I'm not sure anybody else really cares what you do next. DC squandered your potential. They obviously decided the Trinity War wasn't going to work very well and opted for Forever Evil instead. It was a real amateur card trick they pulled there! A real magic boner!

Can you imagine a magic boner? It would be all twinkly and pigeons would fly out of it and then it would disappear only to reappear in a magic consensual vagina!

Last issue, Pandora got beat down hardcore by Giganta. It was thoroughly as entertaining as it sounds and possibly more so. This issue, hopefully she gets beat down hardercore by Vandal Savage. And hopefully it's thoroughlyier more entertaining than that sounds.

It looks like Agent Kincaid wants to do some beating down of her own. Hopefully she doesn't accidentally hit Vandal Savage!

SHADE doesn't want to kill Pandora anymore. I don't know why they wanted to kill her in the first place. I suppose they bought into the same hype that Agent Kincaid has recently purchased. She believes Pandora is the "mother of all evil" and that Forever Evil was her fault. I don't think it's right to continue blaming her for finding the Crime Syndicate's Portal Remote Control and accidentally pressing the open button. If it wasn't her, it would have been the next idiot to come along. Although she still might be to blame for Flashpoint and The New 52, so I suppose she should be killed just for that. Even if the evidence is entirely circumstantial and The Flash may be just as much at fault as Pandora. The amount of people who are still upset by The New 52 probably means somebody should be punished even if it's the wrong person. And if the person punished isn't Dan DiDio then it's almost certainly the wrong person.

This is the romantic part. It takes place after the action part and before the grim death match part. According to Hollywood, it is a necessary evil to keep females engaged in the plot.

After the romantic part, all hell breaks loose as Pandora is shot by the God Killer Gun and Vandal Savage tears into the parking lot in an ambulance and forgets how to open the door. It's always more exciting when doors, walls, and windows are abused by the characters.

What's the matter, Marcus Aurelius? No last words of wisdom?

Pandora battles Kincaid who turns out to be a Werecrow because SHADE Agents are all kinds of monsters. Kincaid is no match for Pandora in hand to hand combat but it doesn't really matter because Pandora's ability to regenerate has been neutralized by the God Killer Gun. That'll make Vandal Savage's job a bit easier.

Pandora previously told Kincaid she could cure her Werecrowism if Kincaid wanted and Kincaid responded, "Do I look like I want to be cured?" But Kincaid doesn't offer Pandora the same choice. Who's the real monster here, hunh? Oh yeah! It's probably the Werecrow.

And this is when Vandal Savage arrives for the beat downings. But it'll have to wait until next issue, dammit.

Pandora #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. That ranking is for the art. It looked fucking sloppy and flat this issue. Pandora's trenchcoat costume didn't even look like it's the best outfit in the DC Universe this issue. So disappointed.

Pandora #9

According to Bioshock Infinite, being born again makes you a big fucking dickhole racist dirtbag piece of shit.

In the last episode of Forever Evil: The Blighted Years, Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft teamed up with Trigon's sons, Belial, Orcus, and Demogorgon. They are now on their way to destroy the Thaumaton which they probably won't do any time soon because the big evil person the Thaumaton was created to destroy won't be revealed until Forever Evil #7. I imagine. So we should just sit back and watch DC's magic users tread water for a few more weeks.

Also John Constantine was currently on his way to Hell while Nick Necro lay bleeding out on the floor beside the pit to Hell. And Swamp Thing was flipping the fuck out because "flipping the fuck out" and "Whoops!" are like my catch phrases and shit! I probably have more but who can remember them? It's actually easier to spit out new phrases than to remember phrases that I should constantly use. I was going to keep bringing back Batgirl's advice when she asked herself "Am I being a jerk right now?" but I never did that! Another stupid quote I wanted to keep coming back to was when Deathstroke said, "I don't know why but I feel a 'Your mom' joke coming on." I mean, that's A++ Gold Material, right?! I think that idiot Liefeld wrote that one but I wouldn't bet my masturbation time on it.

I don't think there's going to be much to talk about this issue. It's just going to be a decently written, issue long mystic battle in Nanda Parbat. Maybe that's a good thing! I should just embrace not needing to comment on every little thing in the comic book and just throw out some bullet points! It's not like this issue is going to advance the Forever Evil: Blight story line by anything but the most minutest of measurements! So let's hit the main points.

Constantine is saved by Zauriel before this Rhymer Demon can finish his quatrain with the word "fuck."

Black Orchid makes me think disgusting thoughts and ponder if IKEA sells Thaumatons for home use.

If that hairy demon in the above panel were wearing roller skates, I'd swear on my life I once saw him back in the 80s on James Gabbert's KOFY-TV 20 Dance Party.

The Swamp Thing becomes the gigantic mystery creature that Nick Necro saw attacking the Thaumaton in his earlier visions. I think. It might not matter because Faust blasts the Swamp Thing into mulch with his magnificent machine powered by 500 young boys and/or magic users. Faust also casts his final spell which gives him the power and knowledge of all the magic users in the DC Universe. Why would he save that as his last spell? That seems like a pretty useful bit of magic! I bet it's a last ditch spell because it ends with his head exploding.

Once again, Faust tries to convince the Mini-Justice League Dark that the Thaumaton was built to save the world and by trying to destroy it, they are allowing humankind to fall to whatever has followed the Crime Syndicate to New Earth. But fuck Faust! He's a hideous looking ghoul which means he must be lying! Only good looking people can be trusted to save the world!

Faust says some interesting stuff that I might want to remember some day, so I'll just leave it here.

So what is Pandora? If she's not human, is she fictional? If she's not from this universe, is she from the Preboot Universe? She was there at Flashpoint and witnessed the merging and changing of the Preboot worlds. Faust doesn't actually give anybody any new information here. This is really just a general reminder that Pandora is more than one of the Trinity of Sin; she's more than just a woman that brought The Seven Deadly Sins into the world. She's a key figure in the creation of The New 52 and I think her real part to play has barely been hinted at.

Faust begins to magically rebuild the Thaumaton while simultaneously re-enslaving all of his former captives. But Constantine whacks him on the back of the head with what I can only assume he calls a tally whacker, knocking Faust the fuck out.

See the title? Just like I said! An issue long battle! I think that's just enough experience points to raise my Comic Book Reader Level! You're now looking at a Master Comic Book Reader of the East Wind!

Pandora #9 Rating: No change. Next issue is the conclusion to Forever Evil: Blight! Also next week, the conclusion to Rogues Rebellion and Arkham War! The end of Forever Evil is in sight! Huzzah! For your information, I only say "Huzzah" ironically!

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Pandora #7

Wouldn't this cover look great in crayon?!

I thought about doing the rest of the Forever Evil: Blight issue commentaries in crayon but then decided it would just feel like trying desperately to hold on to the magic of my Constantine #10 commentary. Plus I need to buy more crayons. Preferably one of the large boxes with the built-in crayon sharpener. Although I have a feeling that if I did the crayon version of every comic book I read from here on out, this blog could become a huge hit. That's the kind of gimmick that people love to see one time and then never remember seeing a few months later. But who needs longevity in this day and age, right? I don't think that actually exists anymore.

Part of my theory for the Blight story line was that Chris was a Christ-figure and he was going to have to be betrayed by The Phantom Stranger and martyred in order to save the world. But now with this cover, it looks like "Light" is what is going to be needed to defeat "Blight." I guess one doesn't negate the other. The Light of Chris will defeat the evil in men's souls. But probably not women's. Their evil is always so much more personal and hurtful! Men are like, "I'm going to be super evil because I want the most shit and power! Whoever gets in my way will be struck down!" And women are all, "I'm going to be super evil to just you, on the down low, because you didn't notice my new hair cut. And I will fucking destroy you for it, no matter how long it takes." Children are just plain, "I'm fucking evil, motherfucker! Give me all the attention and all the candy! Fuck your needs and desires! Deal with me!"

Last time we saw The Mini-JLD, they had just returned to heaven with a new partner: Zauriel. He has decided to help Constantine in his quest to save Zatanna because he believes in love. What a naive bitch.

They're like a bunch of tarot cards. Or a new Chess Set. Hmm. I wonder if I should design a chessboard game pitting these seven against Blight and the last six Sins?

Pandora reveals that when she was in Heaven, she was simply asked by Dog, "What are you?" She seemed to know who she was at various points along her 10,000 year life but now she's at a loss. What the fuck is left of a person after 10,000 years? Can you continue to grow or do your edges just get constantly worn away year after year by tedium and entropy? What kind of goals can you have when you have all the time in the world to obtain them? Seems like whatever you wanted, you could eventually get. Whatever you believed would eventually not make any sense as the world changed around you. According to notes made by my first grade teacher on my report card, I'm roughly the exact same person I was at six that I am now at forty-two. And every new generation that appears really isn't any different than the one before it, no matter how much more wise they like to think they are with modern thoughts. But they'll learn. We were all at that peak of youthful passion at one point or another. We all thought the same thoughts and knew how the world should be and how we'd all get along. But as the years pass, you see yourself betrayed by your own generation, stabbed in the back by the power hungry and materialistic masses that never felt the same way at all and continued to perpetuate the institutionalized bullshit that you thought your generation was going to change. Imagine seeing how human culture never really changes either, even after 10,000 years. I imagine I'd feel pretty weary and bitter by this time. Youthful optimism would be long gone, leaving me just a mass of bristling, resentful, raggedly raw nerves. Completely cynical. Angry. Hateful. Burnt out. Hell, fuck ten thousand years! That sounds like me now!

At least Pandora still has her looks.

This is pretty close, in a metaphorical way, to what I was just saying!

This brings to bear the one truly new thing that I hope can make a difference. The internet. Before the internet, the lights were mostly isolated. People cultivated friendships with others that felt the same way about positive change. But they were still surrounded by mostly shallow, uncaring people. Ideas could be shared but it took a lot more effort and they had to fight across vast expanses of darkness to alight on like minds. But the internet enables all like minds to connect. Maybe that will be a good thing. Although it might also be bad, seeing as how movements tend to fracture and split over petty differences. Perhaps the internet will just increase the pace that movements devolve into multiple movements that share basically the same goal but bicker and fight over the particulars. I know I see this all the time on Tumblr and I like to think most of it is just youthful passion looking for any opponent and that that will be tempered with time. I know that I've been written off by people quite a few times simply due to my facetious nature on this blog and I don't always treat certain subjects with the proper gravitas others believe is required. That's fine. Every individual can only interpret things the way they interpret things and if I anger somebody, I can't be upset at them for lashing out at me. I often say stupid things for a laugh, say crass things for satirical purposes, and can get plain disgusting in some people's eyes if they think masturbation should not be talked about (and celebrated!) in a public place.

In the end, the only thing I really hope for all of us looking to improve our society is that we concentrate our attacks on the darkness rather than trying to prove that our light shines brighter than the other lights.

Oh look. Fawkes continues with the lights as well.

You should just ignore all of that previous shit. Just remember this: Scott Lobdell is the true evil.

Pandora comes to the conclusion that she can become host to the Light just as Chris is host to the Blight. That's nicely symmetrical, right? And she believes that the world still has a chance to be saved as long as there is still hope. But Chris's last name is Esperanza which means hope! So as long as Chris lives, Blight can be defeated! The Justice League Dark must take care to win Chris the Redeemer back to their side so that he can banish The Blight from his body.

This new incarnation of the Seven Soldiers of Victory meet Blight and his army in the middle of the George Washington Bridge in New York. But the real crux of the battle is the hand-to-hand combat between Pandora and Chris, Light and Blight. Pandora uses the light of everyone around the world with any kindness within them. In Constantine #10, Pandora said she was shown the goodness within each of her companions. And now she uses that knowledge to help make her stronger. And she's able to drive The Blight away.

For now! This Crossover is far from over!

Pandora and The Phantom Stranger take mercy on Chris and let him live. I believe that's the right thing to do although Constantine wants them to kill him. And he's kind of proven right when The Blight retakes Chris who begins choking the shit out of The Phantom Stranger. But that's just because this story has many more issues to go. Like keeping Gollum alive in The Lord of the Rings, the team will eventually only defeat The Blight by keeping hope alive. Hope being Christ the Babysitter!

Blight dissipates The Phantom Stranger before being tackled off the bridge by Pandora where they both sink to the bottom of the river. John asks himself, "What do we do now, John?" and Zauriel answers, "What do you think?" What he thinks is that they need to finish the fight once and for all, so it looks like they're going to have to take a dip into the river. Or get Deadman to fish Pandora and Blight out.

Pandora #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Another good chapter in The Blight Crossover even though it didn't really afford any opportunities for vulgarity and mean-spirited comments.

Pandora #6

I really should compile a list of all the different characters and voices I've created during the life of this blog. At the top of the list would be, of course, me. Not to expose the magic behind it all but, yes, you guessed it. The voice of this blog isn't my actual voice! Many of the opinions expressed within this blog aren't my opinions at all (yes they are. I'm just saying that to cover my ass (no, no. Seriously. I say a lot of shit I don't believe (no I don't (I do! (you fucking don't (Fuck you!))))))! I realized I really need a list when I just reread my commentary on Pandora #5 and fell in love with the character of Philo Sophocles! A character I had no memory of writing! How many other characters have I created on a whim, merely to forget about them as soon as I hit the Publish button?! And how could I leave Cowboy Joe behind?! That guy was a masterful creation! I just wish he hadn't been murdered on the street by some random asshole that thought he was the Punisher of the homeless. Poor Cowboy Joe.

Now I feel like a dick! I just killed one of my most beloved characters! I take it back! I take it back! I didn't mean it, Cowboy Joe! Everybody just thought you were dead but you're just in a coma and most likely going to pull through! Please don't die, Cowboy Joe! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't! I'm so sorry!

Speaking of Cowboy Joe, I just reread his commentary on Green Lantern #17 (which I linked to and which you should probably read if'n you ain't never read it) and fuck me. Just. Just fuck me. Cowboy Joe, how could I ever have forgotten you? Thank you for the words you laid down nearly a year ago. They're just what I fucking needed to hear. Holy shit.

My past self just made me fucking cry. Jerko.

So when we last saw Pandora, she was battling the Mini-Sins and The Blight in New York City. Way back in one of the Trinity War issues, she learned how to kill the sins. That's when she killed Envy. But she hasn't had a chance to try the trick out a second time until now. But will she remember that she had that power? I'm betting she doesn't!

Oh yeah, and Constantine was about to be eaten by The Blight while whinging on about how much he loves Zatanna and how much he took her for granted and how poorly he treated her and all that bullshit. Those feelings don't mean anything when you're about to die, John. Feel the same way when you're calmly having a conversation over a cup of coffee with her and maybe they'll be true. Do you only feel love for her when she's not around? When she might be in danger? When she's telling you to sod off and walking away with another man? Yeah, that isn't love or caring, you selfish prat. So shut the fuck up and get back on your feet. You know, after Pandora saves your ass.

Oh, she does remember! That must be why Mini-Envy is not represented. Still dead (but on the mend, I'm sure!).

I'm getting the distinct feeling that this is going to be another issue where nothing much happens except a bunch of punches are thrown as the Mini-JLD get their asses kicked by The Blight.

Hell, for most of the comic book, they don't even get their asses kicked! They just run around saving New Yorkers from certain dragon breathing death. The Mini-JLD's only plan is "don't die." And they're barely pulling that off! It's crazy how quickly a comic book story can take me from "super duper twelve year old kid interested" to "get to the fucking point already or I'm going to fucking have a wank." About the only thing that can win me back at this point is if Etrigan were summoned forth to save the day!

This story is actually reminding me quite a bit of Swamp Thing #50 by Alan Moore from 1986! All of DC's magic types gathered together to defeat some huge rampaging evil which eventually turns out to be simply a necessary part of reality. It just became more violent and ruthless depending on how mankind judged it vile and thought negatively about its role in the universe. Perhaps Swamp Thing needs to do to The Blight what he did to the Bad Thing way back in the Preboot Universe! Swamp Thing! Try telling it this since this worked before:

"I have nothing. I came in resignation. Whatever you are, I cannot fight you. But I cannot stand and watch. I cannot. I am not the one you seek. I have tried to make sense of that darkness and I have failed. I have seen evil, its cruelty, the randomness which it ravages innocent and guilty alike. I have not understood it. I asked the Parliament of Trees whose knowledge is older, greater than mine. They seemed to insist that there was no evil. But I have seen evil and their answer was incomprehensible to me. And yet...and yet, they spoke of aphids eating leaves, bugs eating aphids, themselves finally devoured by the soil, feeding the foliage. They asked where evil dwelled within this cycle and told me to look to the soil. The black soil is rich in foul decay yet glorious life springs from it. But however dazzling the flourishes of life, in the end, all decays to the same black humus. Perhaps...perhaps evil is the humus formed by virtue's decay. And perhaps...perhaps it is from that dark, sinister loam that virtue grows strongest? I...do not know. I do not know...what they meant."

See? Change the perception! Change the battlefield! Teach The Blight it is necessary and part of the entire cycle! It is neither bad nor good and, thus, it should not feel anger or betrayal at the way people choose to fight against it. It is necessary and its opposite is necessary. And if it destroys everything, it destroys itself! Teach it, Swamp Thing! Teach it!

You could also, possibly, just play ten million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it that everything is futile. Then it will give up and stop acting like a fucking prick.

Also, I should state, if it wasn't entirely clear from context, that the above blockquote was written by Alan Moore in that issue of Swamp Thing I mentioned earlier.

Oh! Speaking of Swamp Thing #50 and the Preboot universe, you know who was in that issue that I hope fucking returns to The New 52 at some point? Steve Dayton! Mento! Beast Boy's father! That guy was a nutty fucking dirtbag!

Constantine has a plan to use the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen! I don't know what that means! But they all need to be marked so it might be like the seance the magic types used in Swamp Thing #50! The seance that burned up Zatarra and Sargon! But this time, there aren't any hit eaters in the group that can be wiped from the New 52! Hmm, except Nightmare Nurse, right? No, no. Don't even think that! I'd miss her way too much! I'd rather have Pandora or The Phantom Stranger die!

Okay, now see this? This is more of the type of stuff that will keep me interested while they battle the beast! Just watching them stop dragon breath and get slapped around by Mini-Sins won't do it for me.

Although, depending on how the battle progresses, sometimes mere physical violence can hold my attention.

Like this here when Constantine loses his head for the first time ever. At least metaphorically. I think he's probably been decapitated before.

Well, I was hoping somebody would die but this is unbelievable! And a death in a comic book that is unbelievable doesn't really cause any kind of dramatic tension. But it was a nice surprise panel anyway! I suppose the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen will be the reason Constantine isn't actually dead. Although he's going to have a great big magic bill to pay off for casting the kind of spell that allows him to survive severe head loss.

Blight easily kills the rest of the Mini-JLD on the following page. Oh! I think John meant to use the Mark of Dun-Won-Ken! Whoops! Oh well. I guess Forever Evil: Blight is over!

Oh no! Wait, wait. Like an NFL Referee who...no, wait...like all NFL Referees all of the time, I called the play dead too early. It looks like being killed was just the first half of the plan! Pshaw! Like I didn't actually know that already! What do you think I am? A Novice Comic Book Reader?! I'm an Immaculate!

I hope Terrance Thirteen recognizes the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen before he has these corpses littering his house cremated.

Pandora #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, this issue almost lost me for a bit. Last chapter of The Blight (Constantine #9?) just felt like a great big filler issue and this issue felt like it was going the same way. But it really brought up its game and cleaned up its act and took a shot of penicillin in the second half. They finally came up with a plan and took some action! Plus Constantine's head went flying 2D6 feet away! That was a pretty awesome critical hit.