Batman #43

Catwoman #43 was on top of Batman #43 in my comic book stack and now I'm super turned on.

After that initial caption, you might be wondering why I'm reading a comic book instead of masturbating. You also might be wondering why I'm reading Batman before Catwoman if Catwoman was on top. Well, it's because I wanted to read Batman. You also might not be wondering anything at all except whether this was a good comic book and you're waiting for me to tell you if you should like it or not. You also might be wondering how many typos I'll make this time since my commentary on Batman #42 was riddled with them. Holy shit. I thank everybody reading for not jumping all over me and my incompetence!

Bruce Wayne continues to live the life he never could before by working at the children's center in the narrows and engaging in a romantic relationship with a woman named Madison (MADISON!). He should probably thank The Joker for allowing him to have a real life. I suppose he'll get back to being Batman when Madison winds up dumping his ass because he's emotionally withdrawn and constantly asks her to wear clown make-up in the bedroom. But until Madison comes to her senses and/or winds up next to the lettuce in the crisper, Bruce refuses to participate in the Robo-Batman Project. Gordon stops by to see him and ask for help but Bruce is all, "What?! Why are you coming to me? How did you connect me to The Batman? I'm totally not that guy! I'm just trying to live a broke-ass life! Leave me alone!" But Jim Gordon is all, "Wink! Wink! Okay, Bruce! Wink, wink! I'll leave you alone! Wink, wink! But here's some evidence from a new villain in town, just in case you feel like helping save the city. Wink, wink! Do you get why I'm winking, Bruce?!"

Outside the community center where Jim is hassling Bruce, Alfred and Clark Kent sit in a car discussing what happened to Bruce.

I knew it! Batman is the second coming of Christ!

Alfred explains to Clark how Bruce was dead but the dionesium brought him back to life. But it changed him. It took away the Batman and left only Bruce. So Alfred had to help Bruce remember his life again. Didn't this already happen? Wasn't there a story about Bruce losing his memory and needing to be reminded about his parents' death and how he became an obsessive monster? And in it he was told about the death of his parents but he had no emotional connection to them so it didn't really mean anything? Wasn't that a story and why can't I remember what it was from?

Alfred tells Bruce everything right up until becoming Batman when Bruce stops him and asks, "Are you trying to seduce me, old man?" Then thirty-three year old Bruce leaves for two days but rises again on the third to tell Alfred that he understands they once had a relationship and parents and lots of money but that he doesn't feel connected to any of it anymore. And that's when Julie Madison stops by to give Bruce a couple of jobs (helping kids, and hand, not necessarily in that order).

Superman hears Alfred's story and says, "Alfred, if you won't ruin Bruce Wayne's new chance at a happy life, I will! Because if you haven't heard lately, I'm a total idiot and dick in my own comic book. It super sucks and I'm glad you invited me to be in a good comic book for awhile but I plan on ruining this one too because everybody loves Batman so fucking much! Why don't they love me that much, hunh?! Can you answer me that?!" But Alfred pulls out Bruce's kryptonite cockring and says, "Tsk tsk. I wouldn't do that if I were your ass." Alfred points out that the Dionesium healed Bruce so completely that it healed the trauma which created Batman. Everything Bruce learned to be The Batman is gone. Although I'm sure that one instant of trauma will bring him back! So who's going to do it to save the city? Who's going to shoot Julie Madison in the face right in front of Bruce's eyes, hunh? Will it be Clark? Alfred? Damian?!

Alfred shows Clark the final Bat-Invention which proves that Batman was an insane monster. It's a machine that, if ever finished and perfected, would grow a twenty-seven year old human from Bruce Wayne's DNA and fill the new clone with all of Bruce's memories so that it would willingly become the next Batman. It's the fetus of the Eternal Batman story seen in earlier stories. I guess somebody is going to have to perfect the memory part of it and trick Bruce into sitting in it if nobody has the guts to murder Julie Madison.

It's all kind of sweet. But I'm sure Alfred will eventually realize he's acting selfishly and he'll have to give his boy back to the city.

But that's enough with old Batman. Now that everybody knows what happened and what will eventually need to happen to set everything back to normal, we can just sit back and follow the adventures of Commissioner Batman until he completely fucks it all up.

Commissioner Batman has currently left the Honey Bunny Bat Armor behind because he's doing some stealthy investigative work. He's infiltrated the lair of the Devil Pigs to find any information he can on Mr. Bloom, the flower faced monster. The mission is being run with Julia Perrywonth and without the knowledge of the Powers Company, so Commissioner Batman can't use any of the suit's tricks without alerting his corporate overlords. And that means it all gets to fall apart because nobody knows where these two are now. Well, Commissioner Batman winds up trapped in an industrial furnace being cooked to death while Julia is attacked by a Devil Pig while leaving the communications van to help Gordon. It looks like curtains for Commissioner Batman!

Elsewhere, Duke Thomas breaks into the Youth Center's files and steals the inactive Mr. Bloom seed Jim gave to Bruce to investigate. This looks like a job for We Are Robin! Duh duh dun dun duh duh dun!

And finally, The Penguin meets Mr. Bloom. The Penguin tries to kill Mr. Bloom. The Penguin learns that not all problems can be solved with a single bullet. The Penguin learns that he's not as important as he thought because The Riddler has had a nice long story in Batman and The Joker has had a nice long story in Batman and even Clayface has had a bit of a story in Batman. But all The Penguin gets is stabbed in the stomach by Mr. Bloom after only two pages of a guest appearance. Sorry, The Penguin! You're just not worthy of a story in the main Batman book. Sad penguin emoji. Winking Killer Whale emoji.

Batman #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. Snyder must have found a great deal at the cliffhanger store because this issue was jam packed with them! Oh god. I'm starting to sound like an actual reviewer! I came up with a stupid fucking tag about non-existent stores that sell things that are never actually for sale because I don't actually have anything intelligent to say about this comic book! Anything I say would be just pointing out the things Snyder already wrote much more eloquently and with less swears than I could ever write! Like the bit about the Dionesium healing The Batman out of Bruce Wayne's head because The Batman was created from scars and trauma and things that can be healed! And that bit about how Bruce's new life with no knowledge of The Batman is like a peaceful afterlife that Batman has earned for his long sacrifice! Or how Julie Madison has a flower tattoo on her arm that seems an awful lot like Mr. Bloom's flower print! Oh wait, that was something that Greg Capullo drew and not something Scott Snyder wrote. See? I can't even write better than Capullo draws! Jesus, I don't even know if I can write better than Rob Liefeld draws! I think my writing is more on par with Marat Mychaels' art! I'm going to go cry now. Um, read Batman! It's good!

Batman and Robin #40

Please let something take over Aquaman's mind so that Damian can kick his ass!

Does everybody have their tear bibs on?! I feel an emotionally powerful father-son moment in the next twenty pages of comic book goodness! If I were a good writer, I would write about the time when I was thirteen years old and my father took me on a trip up to his sister's house up in the mountains outside of Truckee for a week. I'd talk about how he tried a number of times, out under the stars, to have a heart to heart talk with me about...well, who the fuck can remember? I just felt awkward and weird and didn't really have much to say. Years later, I look back on that trip and think that, quite possibly, he was trying to say goodbye to me. He had been an alcoholic for many years and his life was really falling apart. Either he felt he wasn't going to live much longer or, possibly, he had been contemplating suicide. Then again, having never asked him about the trip, it's possible he was just up there to score as much weed as possible from Cousin Bill (his nephew). At one point while at Bill's place, Cousin Troy (Bill's brother) stole one of Bill's Penthouse magazines while my dad and Bill were in a back room smoking pot. Before leaving Truckee, I stole the Penthouse from Troy and perused it for many years afterward. Porn was hard to come by back then and this was a major find! Although, come to find out later, it was child pornography. That was the Penthouse magazine that featured Traci Lords when she was sixteen. Luckily I was younger than she was so I don't think it was as illegal to own as all the other perverts who owned it! I threw it out (along with all of my other random porn magazines) when I went to college at seventeen. Because college! Who needs porn in college?! Only nerds and losers, that's who!

And, as it turns out, I did. Stupid college.

Um, anyway, the Justice League have found their way to Ghost Island which is under attack by one of the enemies of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Oh Superman! That only works for Billy!

While Robin battles the reject from an episode of Ultraman, he learns that he has heat vision like Superman! Well, not like Superman since Superman's heat vision comes from the solar energy stored in the vitreous humors in his eyeballs. Robin's heat vision must be the first inkling of an Omega Beam since his powers are from Apokolips. Robin slices off one of the monster's fists and then begins using the fist to punch the monster in the face because Damian is ten years old. There's nothing funnier to a ten year old than making somebody hit themselves with their own fist! Although the creature must regrow its hand or take it away from Damain and reattach it since a few panels later when it vomits pink puke on everyone, it's got both hands.

While the adults are gagging on monster vomit, Billy and Damian finish the monstrous robot off by shoving a radio tower through its head and calling down magic lightning to fry it.

Tomorrow's headlines: Captain Marvel: Childlike Man or Man to Keep Away From Your Child?

You know, I can still recall, clear as day in my mind's eye, some of the photos of Traci Lords from that Penthouse. Is that illegal?!

It turns out Batman set up this whole Monster Island fight to try to drain Robin of his powers. It was just a video game simulation with Cyborg controlling the robot. Is this the first time we really get to see Victor's love of video games? I guess Robin doesn't have super-hearing because he didn't hear Batman discuss the plan with the others while Robin waited in the back seat of the Batplane.

Back at Wayne Manor, Damian scarfs down a ton of food and passes out giving Alfred and Bruce some time alone to figure out what the fuck they are going to do with this kid.

I was just going to scan the bottom half of the page but then I wouldn't have a record of the finished family portrait which they all posed for so many issues ago.

The next morning, Damian wakes up and immediately gets a paper cut. Just like when Superman was human for the day! I guess paper cuts are shorthand for "this motherfucker ain't got no more motherfuckin' powers, bitches!" The second thing he does is fall out of the second story window trying to fly. Just like Superman 3000 from Justice League 3000! I guess falling out of a window because you thought you could fly is shorthand for "stupid dumb idiot moron!"

Bruce and Damian have one of those stupid father-son heart to heart talks that I've never experienced because I wasn't really paying attention when my father tried to have one with me that time I mentioned earlier. My dad was all, "Life...you know?" And then he lit a cigarette and I fidgeted uncomfortably while gazing at the stars through the tall trees. Then he was all, "Do you have any questions about it or anything?" And I kicked some pine cones and dry thistles and muttered, "No," while thinking, "I wonder what they're watching on television inside?" And then my dad probably asked me if I knew he loved me and I probably turned red and said, "Yeah." And then we sat in silence while he finished his cigarette before we headed back inside. Those heart to heart talks are stupid.

Bruce asks Damian if it's so bad that he's just Damian now and Damian says, "I guess not." Of course Damian guesses not! Damian already thinks Damian is the greatest super hero that ever lived, powers or no powers!

But then the Bat Signal interrupts and it's time for the Dynamic Duo to hit the streets yet again! Nobody hugs anybody but Batman does kind of freak Robin out by smiling like a lunatic while swinging around the city. And that's it!

Batman and Robin #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's interesting that this comic book ends right when the dynamic between this duo is finally at the most Batman and Robinesque of the entire series. This final page:

shows them finally comfortable and content with each other (and kind of Batman '66ish, no?). Batman is happy to have his son back with him, alive and normal. Damian is just as excited as he was on all of the early covers of this series where he's grinning ear to ear because he gets to go out and fight crime side by side with his dad. Throughout the beginning of the series, Batman was afraid he was going to lose Robin to Robin's al Ghul side. He was afraid to trust his son. Then he lost Damian when Damian proved himself to be as heroic as Batman had hoped he would be: learning that his son had the heart of a hero, learning that he could be allowed to trust his son, to have faith in his son's decisions, came at the expense of his son's life. Batman was nearly inconsolable having gained the son he knew Damian could be too late. And then once he brought Damian back to life, he had to contend with Damian's super powers. But they were actually a gift. They were a kind of litmus test to see if the lessons Damian learned while not having super powers stuck. And so Batman tested him on Ghost Island to find that his son could follow orders, and could maintain control of even Superman level powers, and could work well as a team with even somebody as annoying as Shazam (okay, that was a cheap shot. I would actually like to see a lot more of Billy and Damian hanging out together). And with Damian's powers now gone, Batman can finally feel happy and relaxed, having faith that his son will make him proud no matter what. In the end, Batman learned his son was actually a pretty good fucking kid. And, holy shit, that's kind of what my dad said to me that time in Truckee! That he was happy that I'd turned into a really neat and interesting person and that I was a pretty good kid.

Pshaw! As if he knew any better! I was about to steal Troy's Penthouse!

Batman Eternal #31

Best Brave and the Bold Team-up that never was. But is now!

Oh, poor you! Did I hurt your feelings because I said your favorite hero sucked? Get over it! What if Sailor Moon had such thin skin? Would she ever have...wait, she did have really thin skin, the fucking cry baby. But she still saved the world over and over again because she never let assholes like me get her down! Buck up and stop caring about what an idiot on the internet says! You do know about 95% of this blog is facetious irreverence, right? Oh, of course you don't know that! Because everything has to be taken so fucking seriously! You kids have a difficult road to, um, pave if you're going to stop every three feet to lecture someone on not paving the way you think they should pave. And then instead of moving forward, you stand their tapping your toe waiting for an apology?! Jesus fucked! Don't let anybody else define you or what you love or how you pave! Just fucking get....

What the hell am I talking about?! I guess if I don't know, how are you going to know? I think I must have gotten my feelings hurt and decided to take it out on whatever random reader was sensitive enough to think I was talking about them! Ha ha! Take that, you mystery innocent! I sure feel better now!

On to the comic book! And don't worry, Aquaman isn't in it so there's a 50% chance that this commentary won't devolve into pointing out how idiotic he is! Oh stop trying to defend him! We all know he's super strong and dense and bullets bounce off of him and he can smash cars with his testicles! That's not an argument against why he's stupid! Those are just deflections so you don't actually have to think up a reason why he's not stupid! Whoops! Sorry about that! I guess there was only a 20% chance that I wouldn't start bashing Aquaman.

It's about time! I've been jonesing for an all out Arkham breakout!

Too bad Batman cleans up the riot in about one page. What kind of a lame ass version of Knightfall was that?! It's supposed to be a challenge when Batman has to battle all of the escapees from Arkham! I feel cheated by DC! Again!

Forget about Batman beating down the escapees. That's all old hat. And it's especially not interesting being drawn by Fernando Pasarin. I just can't get past how he draws such elongated torsos and squinty, weasel eyes on everybody! Anyway, there's that bestest Brave and the Bold Team-up to read about! And I know I'll love it even with squinty weasel eyes on Alfred!

Ah ha ha ha! You scamp, Bane!

I hope they have a song and dance number! It's not beyond the realm of possibility since Alfred is currently hallucinating. But instead of a gay romp through the sewers, Bane and Alfred are overwhelmed by black hand demon people. It's not as hilarious as the dance would have been.

Batman does some stuff and Hush does some stuff and Spoiler does some stuff and some of the stuff mixes in with some of the other stuff. And then the dance number happens although it's a bit weird without any music.

Now kiss!

Alfred leads Bane to an underground Batman cache and computer room. Bane never realizes it  though because the entrance is trapped and Bane is gassed. Alfred finally gets back in touch with Batman and Penny-Two and a pitiful, whining, nearly dead Batwing. "Help me! Help me!" he moans. Does it always have to be about you, Batwing? This is Alfred's moment!

And that other Hush, Batman, and Spoiler stuff I mentioned earlier? Nothing really happens with it. I guess Batman will have to save Spoiler from Hush next issue.

Batman Eternal #31 Rating: No change. Remember how in the television show, Alfred would occasionally dress up as Batman to fool everybody into thinking that Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't the same person at all even though all of the evidence pointed towards that conclusion? And simply posing as the Batman was all he could really do because he was a frail old man that would probably die immediately if he took one punch, even from Burgess Meredith? Well I think the comic book Alfred can put on the suit and do just as well as the regular Batman! Alfred might even be better at being Batman than Dick Grayson! Why isn't that a comic? Arkham Manor is a comic book! They can do a year's run of Alfred Pennyworth, Batman.

Arkham Manor #1

I have no idea what the fuck this title is about but at least it isn't Tony S. Daniel's Deathstroke. Ugh. That's next!

The issue begins with that minor incident that just took place in Batman Eternal #29. You know the one? The one where God's Wrath (or Man's Wrath (or, let's face it, just plain old Jim Corrigan's Wrath)) shot up through Arkham Asylum from underground where Deacon Maxie Blackfire Zeus cast some spell on old Jimmy. It's probably Corrigan's fault for not releasing The Spectre earlier like Batwing kept suggesting. Instead he kept it pent up inside until he couldn't contain it anymore. And now that Arkham has been destroyed, where are the crazy people (or the even crazier people that think getting off on an insanity plea in Gotham is better than going to Blackgate) going to live?

Oh! Wayne Manor! I get it now! I guess with Batman busy chasing down Hush, and Alfred busy hallucinating his ass off in the ruins of Arkham, and Penny-Two having always wanted to open a Bed and Breakfast, everything has aligned to make Wayne Manor the perfect place to rehabilitate the criminally insane!

But first, everybody needs to argue about whose backyard will have all the entertaining new neighbors in it.

This series is going to be an entertaining, joke-filled look at mental illness, right? I can't wait!

Mayor Hady, using the vile, evil right of eminent domain (a "right" that probably cost me millions of dollars in inheritance money since my grandfather's family owned a bunch of orchards along Wolfe Road in Sunnyvale but had to sell at a low, low cost of pennies on the pennies because the government is, and always has been, full of assholes) decides Wayne Manor is the place the insane outta be. Sounds good! Although I hope the Batcave has its own bathroom or Penny-Two is going to have to poop in the Batmobile.

A note says that this issue takes place after Batman Eternal #30 which I haven't read yet! I hope I don't get any spoilers! I knew I should have violated the sanctity of the comic book stack and read Batman Eternal #30 this morning!

Uh oh. I think I just read a spoiler about "the idiot son" having lost the family fortune! I think he still had all of his money at the end of Batman Eternal #29! Did Hush steal his debit card and guess that the secret pin was 537154? That's as close as I can get to making Catwoman's name out of numbers!

Batman does some Narration Boxing so that the reader understands that he allowed this to happen. Sure you did, Bat-Genius! Unless it's all explained in Batman Eternal #30! If it is, then I'll apologize for calling you a Bat-Genius.

Nobody noticed the secret staircase behind the grandfather clock? Or the firemen's poles that appear when you push the button in the bust of Christopher Marlowe?

Apparently Batman filled the staircase with concrete. And I think he got rid of the poles years ago because they were just too campy. It seems he doesn't mind giving his house over to Gotham so the criminally insane have a safe place to live. And also a place to keep the rest of Gotham safe from them. He seems to really care about the needs of Arkham's old inmates, mostly because his father wanted the mentally ill of Gotham treated better. Usually Batman doesn't think twice about putting a mentally ill person in the hospital. But for now, he's pretending he cares. I can't wait until he drops the facade and starts making jokes about schizophrenia!

No wonder Batman is afraid his secret identity will get out. Just think of all the lawsuits that would be filed against him for criminal assault!

Bruce Wayne has rented an apartment somewhere in Gotham that he has yet to gentrify. Alfred is there getting drunk because, having recently been pumped full of Scarecrow's special "Piss and Children's Tears" Fear Formula, he's realized life's too short not to throw it all away in nightly bouts of drunkenness. Also, Alfred's back?! Spoiler!

Alfred informs Bruce that something has happened back at Arkham Manor that Batman should probably look into. Did they forget to bring Batcow? One of Alfred Pennyworth the Cat's catnip meeses? Alfred's twelve inch butt plug? Penny-two?!

Oh. The Scarlet Sodomite was killed in Alfred's old room. I guess Batman should investigate that.

Bullock reveals to Batman that another inmate was killed earlier as well. And that's when Batman realizes it's time to institute Plan "This Plan Always Works" Plan. You know the one! The one where Batman (or Nightwing) pretends to be somebody else and gets admitted to Arkham? It's the best way to solve cases! I think it's also the reason inmates constantly broke out of Arkham. Because they'd stumble upon one of Batman or Nightwing's secret escape hatches that they used to get out once they solved the case from inside Arkham.

Arkham Manor #1 Rating: I think I'll enjoy this series for as long as it goes because it's something different and enclosed within a small world. It's kind of the exact opposite of Batman Eternal. But they'd better start making jokes at the expense of the mentally ill already so I can have something to be pretend angry about! This one can begin in the middle of the pack to sink or swim on its own merits.

Futures End: Batman #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs gonna start dis here broadcast mit a prayer ta The Goddess mit her prayer randomizer, sees? Mos'ly acause Old Goggs forgits 'bout all dis prayer nonsense now dat da fuckity prayer gong been burnt ta da groun' and she out roamin' upsdown all dese forgottens backroads roundbout Old York.

"Bringem forth him what cussed up da camps, sees? Lets alla dem all dat heards him spout off, layem dem hands updown his head, let's da congregated dusters gather up stones and bonks him in da heads. And da Muses shalt sing up on da kinderen of The Real, saying, 'Whosoever sayem da GD-word shall bury sin. And he what sayem dat word dat shouldna even be said as "da GD-word" acause dat jess as bad as sayin' da fing itselfs, dat bonger shall Shirley be put to deaf, and everduster mit a stone gonna make sure of it. Dis donna jess go fer alls us believes dis partikular hooey, neither. Dis goes fer dem Resurrectionists und dem femignostics and dem believers in da Ways of the Liard und dem dats won't be named for want a keepin' yer head and da Apeists und da femimystics and alla dem ovver peeps I cain't be bothered ta fink of. And he dat corpse any duster shall Shirley be corpsed hisself. And he that corpse a beast shall be all, "Yo, 'pologies, heres...takem one a mine, feels?" Und if a womans squeezem a neighbor's blackhead, so dat woman gonna git one a hers squeezed too. Bitch fer bitch; I for I; truth for truth: as she caused dem pimples, so she gonna git dem too. Ya knowit, likem I jess saids it like uno sentences ago.' So da Muses spokeded ta da kinderen of The Real afore dey all got down ta some proper killin' a dat jerko what said da GD-word which pobably should be calt somefing else now dat ever duster goin' 'round finking it's okay ta stub dey toe and say, 'GD-word!' The Goddess knowit what be in yer hearts, dumb dumb!"

Amens ta all dat, whatevems it means. Now dat Old Goggs feel all self-righteous y spirychal, she gonna git on mit da littyrapture funfun horsedick what stitches dese here broadcasts togevver so ya all fink she gots somefin actual ta blah blahs about.

Batsman so far up his own ass, he fink he da onny duster can keep da world safes.

Batsman cain't trust da safety uv nuffin ta noduster but hisself. So what makem him fink one of his clones gonna da as good a job? Dat clone might has his DNAs and it even gonna git his thinks and thunks updownloaded inta its brains but dat clone still ain't gonna be Batsman! If Batsman really bein' dis obsessed mit safin' da world, and knowin' he da onny joker be able ta safes it, den he should be flushin' all dis clone nonsense. Go git yerselfs a Lazarus Pit, ya dumb dumb. Ra's al Ghul dis shit and dictator up, ya fuckity control freak. How does dis fucker not trust no duster but hisselfs anyways?

Goggles thunked dat she knew alls 'bout trust, way back minutes ago in dem Saint Lois days. Kep some peeps close ta her bosoms and proclared dat she trust 'em. But she didna truly unnerstand what trust meaned. It weren't jess not fearin' dey gonna rush off ta tell her secrets. It weren't jess knowin' dey gonna be dere fer her ta do whatever she assed em ta do. Old Goggs fergetted dat ta truly trust someduster, ya gots ta lissen ta what deys says, und help dem mit what dey needs, und be dere fer dem as well, no questyshins asked, sees it? Goggles thunked dat askin' peeps ta trust her and be dere fer her were da onny side of trust dere was. "Trust me" uz almays comin' outta my mouf. But did I ever jess lissen ta somefin Skates or The Prof or Alice B Toklas, Goddess bless her smile, be sayin' und respond mit a, "Sures! Of Course!" Naw. Goggs almays responded mit a "Why for?" or a "Not now" or a "Does dat really seems importants now?" Weren't until Buzztown dat Old Goggs learned da true power and freedom of trust, sees? Dat power and dat freedom...? Dat gonna be da way forward, truths. Dis Batsman shit awhere he refusem ta let go? Dat way jess bigbig troubles.

Batsman breakem inta Lexcorps ta git him some fink designed by Niles Caulder dat gonna give Bats da 'bilities ta clone hisself for ever and ever y dust affer dust. But Lex Luthor ain't one ta not notice when some duster, even Batsman, be stealing his shit.

Lex Luthor mayhaps be da brainsiest man on Earf, but he ain't gots a Batscomputer.

On da uvver hands, Luthor does gots a Bizarro. Sures, it jess a half-ass, mos'ly raw clone a Superman but den Batsman be onny half a Batsman rights now anydusts, seein' as how he gots a brokened back und weak heart und foal's legs. But dis here bein' a Realfeel™ DC Comic, Batsman gonna haff ta win. Even if dis here be an alterny-future story. Dose da bess kinds ta show how kick ass da Batsman be, anydust.

Course Batsman escapes aldough he donna kick Bizarro's butt like some dusters might spected. Lex Luthor's failsafes kilt all da Bizarros whilst Batsman crawls outta da wreckage mit da Niles Caulder Cloning Kit. Den deres dis final scene what pobably comes closest ever ta Batsman and Alfreds conceiving.

"Little sperm has found a way to make a baby and ruin your day."

Fuckity kinderen, rights? One fing peeps still feel like doin' in The Dusty Streches be each ovver. So kinderen ain't never in short supplies, feels it? But not allsa you alls wants em, sees? Dat's why no-go places like Upper Kinder Camp extanted demselves, sees? Abandoned kinderen what never knowed love and onny ever knowed want? Dose em da mos' dangerous peeps in The Dusty Stretches, believe. They ain't never known civilization. Dey jess knowed hunger and thirst and loneliness and need need need. Unfulfilled desires am dere language since dey mos'ly never been taught anuvver. Da older kinderen, da ones what run dem nightscare places like Upper Kinder Camp...dey make goodgood koku takin' peeps unwanteds und bringin' dem out ta Upper Kinder Camp heres outsides Old York, or Death Carousel outside of Portantland up norf, or Dick Scary's Busytown jess outside Reading City. Dese places...dey ain't fer us, sees? Dey ain't never been fer nobody but kinderen born ta be monsters frough no fuckity fault a their own. Jess careless, senseless, selfish pricks dat jess wanted ta fuck und soon got stuck mit responsibilities dey ain't wanted. Upper Kinder Camp und places like it...dey might be deaftraps, fer sures. But dey also might hold somefin mos' us lost long time back. Fer da brave, und da compassionate, und dose what wants a new way in no way similar ta da mess what come afore und turned everting inta dust...dose places might hold hope.

Goddess keeps yer crack warm, und Old Goggs talk at ya nex' time.

Batman Eternal #21

Why doesn't Bruce take issue with Alfred's use of guns?

The caption to the cover was a rhetorical question. Bruce wants Alfred to use guns so that Alfred takes the blame for killing any intruders. That means Bruce keeps his secret identity safe because he doesn't act like Batman and it also means Bruce isn't responsible for the bullet ridden dead person on the floor. It's a win/win/win/win/win situation! Those are rare situations, the five win situations. I don't know exactly what they all represent here and I'm not willing to make up the things they represent, so I probably shouldn't have even typed out five wins. Now I've exposed my laziness when it comes to writing! Maybe one of those wins should have been a lose.

This issue begins showing a side of Jason Bard that Batman suspected was there but he hadn't seen yet. You see enough squares in your day and you know when you're not dealing with a triangle. Or something. Also, Batman might just have tangled with Two-Face enough to know about this thing called an "ulterior motive." You should look it up. It's a fascinating read. Did you know that sometimes when people say they're doing something for a noble reason, they're actually doing it for selfish ones? What a crazy world we live in.

I'm still waiting to see the other side of Vicki Vale! Her underside! I was going to say her inside but that's fucking gross.

Commissioner Gordon has just been convicted of a whole bunch of counts of manslaughter because the jury just happened to consist of Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, Duela Dent, Pamela Isley, Tommy Elliot, Roman Sionis, Harleen Quinzel, Jervis Tetch, Basil Karlo, Arthur Brown, Victor Fries, and Harvey Dent. His only shot at not being convicted was a fifty percent chance at a hung jury. But Harvey's coin said guilty and so, Gordon has been sentence to life in Blackgate. And since Jason Bard and Vicki Vale already took care of interim commissioner, Commissioner Asshole, Bard has now been tapped for the commissioner's job himself. Vicki and Jason celebrate by rubbing their genitals together vigorously.

As Gordon heads back to prison for a nice long vacation, Carmine Falcone walks out. He's being extradited to Hong Kong and leaving this weekly grind. But first Batman wants to have a little chat with him.

Batman: "I am the World's Greatest Detective and I know that you are behind Gordon's frame up!"
Falcone: "Ha ha! You are not so good as you think you are, for I am not that person!"
Batman: "If you are not that person, then what person are you? You must tell me so I can have some clues!"
Falcone: "Here is a clue that I had the whole time! It is a poorly formatted invitation!"
Batman: "Yes, you are correct. It is indeed poorly formatted! Who is capable of such a thing?"
Falcone: "You find that out and you will find the person behind everything! But you should hurry because people think they like answers more than they like questions!"
Batman: "But they do not! They only think they do but when the questions begin getting answered, people realize the writers are much better at making up questions than they are at making up answers. That is a very astute observation, Falcone!"
Falcone: "Yes! I was a fan of Twin Peaks and The X-Files, so I know how it can be when the writers answering the questions are not as clever as the writers who asked them!"
Batman: "Well, it was nice interrogating you, Mister Falcone. I hope you have a nice time in Hong Kong. I must get back to solving my case now! Off to the printer!"
Falcone: "Good luck, Batman, my friend! I hope every step of your journey is as uneventful as the journey not taken! Is that a saying of my ancestors? I hope that it is because I needed to build some character! Maybe I should come up with a gimmick like The Penguin so that someday I might be in one of your movies."

Just wait until Batman finds out that Jason Bard got a poorly formatted invitation too!

Back at Wayne Manor, the alarms go off and the Batcomputer stops listening to Alfred unless he gives it the special Blue Rose override. What's the meaning of the Blue Rose? I can't tell you about that.

Alfred opens up the safe room with a secret button in Shakespeare's head because, well, you know. Then he knocks out his daughter, takes her gun, and locks her inside. Now it's time for Alfred Pennyworth to go all Die Hard on the invaders! I wonder if the invaders are the residents of Arkham since isn't one of the new comics coming out in October Arkham Manor? Anyway, Alfred heads off to find the intruder and finds him lickety split! Although he'd probably have liked to have gotten the jump on him.

Oh look! It's little Tommy Elliot straight from the court house where he and his other jurors just delivered the guilty verdict!

Alfred's daughter, Julia, finds her father flipping the fuck out on the floor of the grand foyer. He tries to tell her how to get down to the batcave by setting the clock to ten forty eight but he spells forty "fourty" so she doesn't understand, even though she's British and she's used to extraneous "u"s.

Meanwhile, Jason Bard heads to Blackgate to release The Architect so he can, I don't know, blow up some bridges or something? He calls Hush to let Hush know that The Architect is ready to go. He also calls Hush "Mother" for some kinky reason. Then he destroys the evidence that would have set Commissioner Gordon free. I knew that if comic book justice was anything like real life justice, that evidence wasn't going to do shit!

Apparently next issue, we get to find out who Gotham really belongs to! It better not be Tommy Elliot because we already saw him! Who is the only person capable of printing up poorly formatted invitations?!

Batman Eternal #21 Rating: No change. I hope all the Jason Bard fans aren't disappointed that he's a big jerko! That was a joke because I don't think there are actually any Jason Bard fans. Although there must be since he was a big enough name to have a half-page entry in DC's early 80s Who's Who! And what's going to happen to Alfred now that he's had Fear Toxin injected directly into his brain? Holy shit, he's in for a bummer of a bad trip. Now that Julia almost knows about Bruce Wayne's secret, I suppose she's going to become that extra sidekick that was seen in the Batman Eternal preview issue in Batman earlier in the year. For those of you that think this is any kind of review, I guess I should say, "I'm enjoying this series and I think you will too! If you like Batman and chaos, you should pick it up at your local library!"

Batman and Robin #34

I don't know which chapter of Robin Rises this is because I got the Selfie Variant! I hope it's Part Two!

Apparently Batman has sent out notes of apology to all of his Bat Kids because they've now gathered in the Batcave to help him get his dead son back. Although apologizing doesn't sound like a thing that scares cowardly lots, so maybe the Bat Kids have decided to come because they care about Damian and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred Pennyworth Cat. Red Hood might just want to earn some extra miles by taking a trip to Apokolips. Also that's a chance to shoot to kill! No way to pass up that offer! Batman had better not start shouting "Aim for the knees!" once they start facing off against parademons. Bruce is a bit of a control freak.

I hope Titus gets a cowl for the trip. He'd look so cute!

Being that those apology cards seem to have been lost in the mail, the Bat Kids are a little apprehensive when it comes to trusting Bruce.

Bruce is fucked. When they find out that Nightwing is still alive, I don't think they're going to accept "That secret was before the Pact of Truth!" excuse.

The stupid Bat Kids believe Batman is going to be open and honest with them from here on out, so they agree to help him. Dumb dumbs! Fool them once, ha ha! Fool them twice, they're a bunch of idiots because he's going to fool them again!

That counted as an apology? Cripes! I've been doing them wrong all along! Also, why is Bab's ass buzzing?

Batman shows him his Mother Box. None of them crack a joke, not even Jason Todd. Then he explains that it opens up a portal to a place called Apokolips where Batman says he "once paid a quick visit to." No, you once made three quick visits to it. Once to rescue Superman and twice because Cyborg's teleport power relies on Boom Tube technology and misfired a couple of times. Why do I remember that? Because I'm Jonni DC, dammit!

Bruce explains to them what he's been up to lately (leaving out the Nightwing stuff, of course! And his daily masturbation routine) before telling the Bat Kids that they're not going on the mission to Apokolips with him. He just wanted to let them know that he cares. And probably put tracers inside their sandwiches.

Once they leave, Dick Grayson shows up to eat some tracers too.

Great. Now Titus has a tracker in him too.

The four people Batman wants to distract do not include Superman because he's battling Brainiac or something. Maybe he's writing a blog post for Clarkcatropolis.com. While Aquaman (why did he need to distract him?!), Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and Shazam are chasing holographic tails, Batman sneaks on board the Justice League Satellite to steal his Hellbat suit. Luthor remains on the satellite because Bruce and Lex needed a chance to have a bit of a heart to heart. You know, one billionaire to another. No other member of the Justice League knows the pressures and stress of being incredibly wealthy.

How touching. Does this mean Luthor is currently doing whatever it takes to resurrect Bizarro?

Then Batman Boom Tubes to Apokolips to get into a fist fight with Kalibak. Probably.

Batman and Robin #34 Rating: No change. So the fallout from Death of the Family is officially over which is good because otherwise it was just sort of sitting their in the hallway like a forgotten umbrella to which nobody knows whom it belongs. Death of the Family seemed like it was really going to put a major strain on Batman and the Bat Kids but barely anything came of it. And now it's forgotten! Everybody is best friends again! At least until Dick Grayson shows up to the next Bat Family portrait alive and kicking. Hopefully Batman is practicing his surprise reaction. "Oh my god! Can you guys believe it? Look who isn't dead at all? Wow, I'm floored. Just utterly shocked! I'm embarrassed to think of myself as the World's Greatest Detective now. Wow. Just...wow. Oh my gosh. Babs! Babs, are you seeing what I'm seeing? I think I need to sit down for a second."

Batman #33

This is less like a finale and more like a fine ale. Or something.

This is the end! The end of our story! This is the end! The high-priced extra dollar end of our story!

This final issue comes down to a personal battle of wits between Batman and The Riddler. Batman must answer twelve riddles where the answers will be things like "Scorpion!" and "A goat!" and "Green Arrow!" If he answers them all correctly before Gotham is blown to bat-pieces, he'll get to punch The Riddler in the face. But I think Gotham will still be blown to pieces. So the only difference in answering the riddles is the satisfaction of breaking The Riddler's eye sockets. Gotham City must rely on the police commissioner and an inventor and a handful of black ops military men to save it now. But when has that ever been enough? I tell you when! Never, that's when! Gotham needs the Batman!

This paragraph is in invisible ink that can't be read by Batmen because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but here's the truth: Gotham City doesn't really need Batman at all! What it really needs is a good bombing! Barring a good bombing, it could probably make due with an aquatic super hero who's also a writer. He could write scathing articles about the corruption on the police force while stopping all the illegal weapons and drugs from entering Gotham through the harbor. Of course, being a water super hero, he'd have to make sure the Gotham airport was shut down and the train tunnels filled in. And I say "he" because I really mean Grunion Guy! Give a guy a chance, okay, DC Comics?

Anyway, on to the most important part of this issue, the Game of Riddles!

The answer to The Riddler's first riddle is "louse." I could be The Jeezly Crow Batman!

That one was easy! House without the "H," lies without the "ies," stitched together to become "louse." I haven't read Batman's explanation yet but I did see he said louse on the next page. After coming up with it myself, of course! I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all! Okay, so that doesn't translate to Master Riddle Answerer but it's close enough. I solved the DC Challenge after the first issue! Although none of the other writers solved it so it didn't resolve the way it should have and my solution became null and void since the other writers of the series were idiots!

Also, I probably only solved this riddle because it was wordplay. If I am The Batman and The Riddler asks a riddle that forces me to think around a corner, Gotham is dead.

I see Batman discovered the riddle had more clues pointing to the answer plus Eddie dropped a further hint before even asking the Riddle. So many clues to come up with one answer? The Riddler must be calibrating The Batman's ability with the first question.

How am I supposed to play along at home if Batman keeps interrupting?! Jerko!

Batman must have trained under a Grandmaster Riddler Asker on his travels around the world to become the best at everything because I certainly wouldn't have jumped to the "bee" conclusion so soon! I was leaning toward a baseball game! But that's because I can only answer riddles generally asked by third graders. Here's a horrendous riddle I heard in fifth grade that I remember because I didn't fucking get it: "Why can't The Go-Go's get pregnant? Because their lips are sealed." I just thought that it meant they couldn't get married because they couldn't say "I do" or answer "yes" to a proposal which meant they could never get pregnant because that kind of thing doesn't happen out of wedlock! I bet the kid that asked me the riddle didn't actually understand it either. I also didn't know what boner was slang for, so there were some other jokes I didn't understand.

The Go-Gos?

Does the answer to this riddle have something to do with the incorrect way he phrased it? "My greatest of my strengths"? Is that a hint? Shouldn't he give more hints?! His first riddle had a dozen clues! This one has two lines? The only thing that knows its own worth is the brain. But how does it hug itself tightly at every birth? Because it's squished coming out of the birth canal? Maybe the answer is a kitten! Kittens surely know their own worth! And they're always getting hugs! Practically all the time!

See?! That's a clue, right? It's kittens!

Unless the clue part of that statement is the tongue part! Maybe the answer is a French kiss! Or a scream! Or a philosophical statement denoting the pain and ecstasy of sentient life?

I guess that's the end of the riddle game!

Like Alexander the Great and WOPR, Batman realizes the only way to win the game is to not play it at all. It looks like Lucius figured out a way to jam The Riddler's robot bodyguards leaving Batman free to break some bones. "Riddle me this, Riddler? How many broken bones can a human have while still remaining alive? Let's find out the answer together! ONE! TWO! CRUNCH!"

Meanwhile Jim Gordon grabs a reflective surface, paints a bat on it, and then uses it to try to blind the fighter pilots so they crash before releasing their bombs. The pilots aren't blinded but they do notice the bat painted on it and decide to stand by for new orders while the officers back at the base try to figure out what it could mean.

Once The Riddler has been curbstomped by Batman, Batman has to reboot the city by sticking some doohickey on his chest and sucking down 1000 volts of voltage. At the same time, he's having a memory of going through electroshock therapy. Is that something that was touched upon earlier in the story that I've forgotten? Are we about to learn that Batman's entire existence was just a sanitarium dream, like in that episode of Buffy or, years previous to that, the issue of Doom Patrol where Crazy Jane is stuck in an asylum hallucinating the Doom Patrol and the Kingdom of Chairs? Is DC Comics going to retire Batman completely here and show that he's always just been a nobody inmate in Arkham Asylum?! Will DC destroy its cash cow for the sake of one story?!

I think I should probably just keep reading to find out why Bruce decided to go through electroshock therapy!

But first, Alfred needs to save his life.

I'm glad Alfred was smart enough to know that you don't start a stopped heart with the defibrillators that Batman used to stop his heart! You restart a heart with CPR! I mean, of course Alfred knows that! What kind of a genius battlefield surgeon would he be if he relied on television medicine?

Oh, and Gotham never gets bombed. Even though Bruce could have made a shit-ton of money helping to rebuild! That's an opportunity squandered. Anyway, everybody gets around to rebuilding after Bruce Wayne says some really inspiring things and hires Lucius Fox to help run Wayne Enterprises and makes friends with the new Commissioner. Gotham is about to go through a renaissance and not be plagued by horrible madmen at all! And all it took was one small death wish and a whole lot of elbow grease!

I hope the electro-booted Bruce and his fake Alfred exist on one of the other Earths.

Lastly there's a bit about Alfred's dreams being crushed under the heavy heel of The Batman, and thus begins, well, you know.

Batman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue is the perfect issue to jump on board if you don't know anything about The Jeezly Crow Batman! What's that? What about the "finale" right there on the cover? You're afraid you won't understand it and you'll need to read the previous five hundred issues of Zero Year? No! Don't worry about that. All you need to know is right here in this issue! Everything from Bruce's realization that he needs to realize stuff to Alfred's codependent beginnings to Jim Gordon's coat's origin to Lucius Fox's raise to the importance of the Batcave's giant penny to even more declarative statements separated by the preposition "to." It's a cavalcade of cavalcadian proportions! Although the one thing that won't be explained is the cover. When did Batman go roaming about the city with a pride of lions?! Maybe the cover is simply a memorial for the lions who died earlier in the series. Or maybe it's a riddle!

Detective Comics #31

The new Detective Comics logo is much better. Probably because Manapul and Buccellato are better artists than Tony S. Daniel.

The above statement contains the assumption that the original Detective Comics header was designed by Daniel and that the new one was designed by Manallato. But assuming things is so much easier than researching things so I'll stick with doing a lot of assuming in my commentaries.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne had made a new friend and "business" partner. Business is in quotation marks because she really just wanted him to use his money to help the less fortunate. I didn't major in business in college because I'm not an asshole, but I believe that's a bad investment. I suppose it's a good investment in people but that won't buy you a new wing to your mansion. Although it would probably make the new wing to your mansion safer by helping raise people out of poverty. There's another assumption in that last statement about how poor people commit crime. Even if that were true in some places (and I don't have the research to back up that statement), I think most of Gotham's crime is due to mental illness.

Now that I think about it, I bet mental illness is behind a lot of crime in real places too! Somebody should look into that!

Dammit! I brought up Bruce's new business partner to make a point and then I got distracted by the word "business" and went off on a cosine. As I was about to say, Bruce Wayne's new business partner combusted from doing too much Icarus. Right on his front porch! Drug users should have more respect for people and not die on their property. Now CSI: Gotham is going to be combing Bruce's house with a fine toothed detective's comb while Alfred follows them around saying, "You're not the world's greatest detective, you know."

I know, I know! Most of you are thinking, "No way in hell anybody is that good at reading comic books! He must read ahead and then pretend he guessed in the same way that everybody on the fucking internet pretends they knew shit that they didn't really know until they asked Lord Google for help." But you'd be wrong! Because here's the proof! Yet again, I guess the opening scene of a book before even opening the book! Genius!

The truth is, I don't write these commentaries to help me remember what's been happening in every comic book I read from month to month. No, the real truth is that I want a public record of how often I predict where each plot is headed. Granted, this was an easy one! But every grain of sand helps to fill up the butt crack. The butt crack in that proverb represents my ego!

Detective Bullock hassles Bruce Wayne about where the Icarus came from and where he hid all the DJs and decorations for the rave he was having. Detective Bullock is a shit detective some times and some times he's a great detective. It really depends on what the story needs to move the plot along. He's a dependable character because he doesn't mind looking like the bad guy or looking stupid if it makes for a great story. I can totally get behind that.

Oh, Happy Mother's Day, by the way! If one of you could please pass that message along to my mom, that'd be great. Thanks!

I bet after Bruce said "You're the detective, Bullock," Alfred whispered under his breath, "Not the World's Greatest though."

Bullock thinks Wayne was partying with Elena when she immolated, so he wants Wayne to provide a urine sample. Is that such a good idea, Bruce? What if they realize it's the exact same sample as the urine that Batman sprayed on the city a few months ago to cure everybody of The Scarecrow's Child's Tear Fear Toxin? You could blow your secret identity! I bet Bruce isn't going to provide him with his own sample anyway. He probably has Alfred piss in cups every day just in case a situation like this arises.

After Detective Bullock leaves, the World's Greatest Detective goes over the crime scene and figures out exactly what happened immediately. Of course, he didn't have his stupid cop intuition getting in the way and trying to convince him that a person he doesn't really like did the crime.

See? I came up with nearly the same conclusion Batman came up with! Which means I'm practically the World's Greatest Detective!

Instead of filling my commentaries with guessing easy to point out plot points before they happen, I should probably be filling it with heady intellectual readings of the subtext of the story. I should probably be referencing great writers like some of those writers you always hear people referencing that I can't think of right now, or quoting historical sources from historical people like Cleopatra or that other one. I should write three pages on the title alone!

This story is called "Icarus." It is an obvious reference to the Iron Maiden song, "Flight of Icarus," where a young boy flies too close to the sun and burns to ashes. Oh! That's like what happens when people take the drug, Icarus! I think I'm on to something! Also, the word "Icarus" can be broken down into three parts: "I", "Care", and "Us". That probably means something if you want it to. The "U" in the word Icarus is a mere outline while the other letters are filled. This represents how you, the drug taker, are taking the drug because you do not feel complete. It also could mean the artist ran out of white ink.

Just as a side note for those people actually interested in DC Continuity, this story takes place while Commissioner Gordon is locked up over in Batman Eternal. As if Batman didn't already have enough to deal with!

As Detective Bullock's lead dies (ha ha! That's a joke because the perps he has in lockup tied to the Icarus are dead!), Batman goes undercover to get shot in the chest! He also puts a bat tracker on the car of the person that shoots him in the chest, so Alfred will at least be able to find out who killed him.

I wish more cops had less instincts then maybe less innocent people would get thrown in jail.

Later, Batman follows the tracking device to the docks where he frees a bunch of people from shipping containers. He also winds up inside one of the containers fighting a large man with the Icarus Tiger tattooed on his stomach. Icarus Tiger says, "It's greeeeeeeeeeaaaaat to get fucked up on drugs!" Actually, Tony the Tiger's message wasn't really very different if you consider sugar a drug. And have you ever had Frosted Flakes? That shit is addictive as shit that's addictive.

The battle with Sumo takes place in the pages of Matt Wagner's Grendel.

Sumo winds up nearly paralyzed but it isn't really Batman's fault this time! Sumo is the one that tackled Batman out of a shipping crate hanging eighty feet in the air. Batman was only saving himself by landing on top of Sumo. Totally understandable. Sumo eventually wants to walk again, so he rats out Squid as the man behind the Icarus. Batman leaves and, probably, calls for medical attention to help Sumo. Meanwhile some other guys in hazmat suits are loading a shipping container onto a truck. Inside the container is some person so hyped up on Icarus that he looks like he's about to blow. Maybe the guy is Icarus and the catheter shoved into his penis is where the drug comes from.

Detective Comics #31 Rating: +3 Ranking. Manallato sure do make good looking comic books! They also tell stories I'm interested in reading. Detective Comics is finally in really good hands. Seeing as how it's DC's signature title, you'd think DC would have made efforts to have it look and read this good from the beginning. But instead they tapped Tony S Daniel to write and draw it after the Reboot! DC is so fucking stupid sometimes!

Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.