Nightwing #16

Hasn't "Nightwing Must Die!" been the mantra at DC for like two decades now?

Last issue ended with Nightwing's love interest, Shawn, being kidnapped by some mystery villain. This issue begins a few days before that because Tim Seeley had a really good boner innuendo that he wouldn't have been able to write if Shawn were already in a refrigerator. It's pretty good! The innuendo, not the boner! This is only a Teen Rated comic book! Teenagers aren't allowed to know about boners! This beginning a bit in the past also allows Tim Seeley to reveal Shawn is a budding observational comedian. Dick is rubbing his boner all over her lower Manhattan real estate and she's all, "Have you ever noticed airline pilots sound the same? Have you? Have you ever noticed? Have you ever?!"

Meanwhile in San Francisco, the Teen Titans are busy fucking each other the way young people do when there's no adult supervision.

Oh, my mistake! Unless Damian has his dick sticking up in that bag of peanuts just waiting for Starfire to dig around for one!

I don't feel like Starfire is actually a teenager. I'm not sure she somebody with that amount of sexual experience full of lusty desires should be on the same superhero team as a thirteen year old. Especially one that can't get English idioms correct. There's no way she understands statutory rape laws!

Damian decides Starfire is never going to go for a peanut so he storms out of Titans Tower to kick Dick's ass in Blüdhaven. Hopefully nobody with a peanut allergy gives him a blow job later. I only mention it because he's going to Blüdhaven! That place is a den of sin and iniquity! And I don't even know what iniquity is! I bet it's like butt stuff!

Over in that place with the name that stupidly has a u with an umlaut over it so that it's a pain in the ass to type, Nightwing battles a gang calling themselves The Horsemen. They rob shit while wearing those stupid rubber horse masks. Speaking of The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I never have gotten around to doing a bunch of critical reviews of The Golden Girls equating each of the main characters to one of the Four Horsemen. I had a friend who said they represented the seasons but I think they were more like War, Death, Famine, and the other one. Dysentery, I think?

You're probably wondering which Golden Girl represents which Horsemen, right? I'd have to really immerse myself in The Golden Girls to know for sure, but off the top of my head, I'd say Dorothy was War because she'll fucking crack some skulls. Sophia is Death because she's super old but also because she can kill with just a few words. Blanche is Pestilence, mostly of a sexual nature. And Rose is Famine because she's lacking the smarts.

After Dick beats up the horse-faced goons, Robin arrives to have a pleasant word with his brother. That word (along with some other words because one word isn't that expressive unless I use one that will offend genteel sensibilities) is "You aren't going to be Batman! I'm going to be Batman! When father dies, I get to take his place, you dumb jerk!" Although, knowing Damian, he might just decapitate Dick to quickly resolve the matter.

Uh oh! Dick had better pray for the same kind of miracle I received which I mentioned a few commentaries ago!

Dick slams Damian to the ground and chews him out. Damian relents in the way Damian only relents for Dick Grayson. At least for now! He's still going to have to show Dick that he can piss way further than Dick ever could while wearing the Batman cowl.

Nightwing stops by to get a pregnancy test while in costume. That Rite-Aid clerk is going to have a little extra cash for the weekend after selling that story to the local superhero gossip rag.

Oh man! I love blind box toys! Especially Collect Club! And especially Collect Club's Paranormal edition! From where I'm sitting in my office, I can see the crystal skull and the chupacabra from that set. I think all of my other Collect Club figures are stashed in my Rescuers, Sailor Moon, and Battlestar Galactica lunch boxes.

Nightwing discovers Shawn's phone on the ground in the hall and spray painted across her current art project is the word "daddy." So I guess this was the moment she was abducted. I know the first place I'd check! And if she isn't in the fridge, maybe Blüdhaven has a refrigerator factory?

Damian follows Dick to Shawn's apartment because he's expecting an apology from Dick. But instead, he finds Dick preparing to solve The Case of the Probably Pregnant Girlfriend. I'm sure Damian will help him, if only to show Dick who the World's Third Greatest Detective is. Obviously Detective Chimp is after Batman. But Detective Chimp doesn't have any interest in becoming the next Batman, so he's irrelevant to this situation.

"Grayson, you fool! You've gone and gotten yourself pregnant!" is probably how Damian would finish this thought since Batman has only ever told him about the Bats and the Bees, which is a completely different story than the one with the birds and has nothing to do with sex.

Batman's Birds and the Bees explanation probably goes something like this: "Damian, sometimes a man finds himself kicking a woman wearing leather in the face to keep her from stealing some valuable diamonds. Then she makes a sexy innuendo about your bat junk and you'll begin to find kicking harder than it was before the blood rushed to your groin. Then you'll get naked on the roof together — remembering to keep the cowl on! — and the magic will happen! Also, sometimes you'll find yourself in a tent in the desert waking up with a weird headache and the smell of your greatest nemesis's daughter on your dick. That isn't as magical."

Damian has stolen the Batmobile so that he and Dick can get to France quickly. Damian knows as much about geography as he does about sex. After they take off, Deathwing reveals himself as the enemy! Or the tool of the enemy because he's in contact with somebody about Dick heading off to France.

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book was entertaining before Tim Seeley brought in Damian. I think I really like Tim Seeley's Damian. I can't remember for sure but it seems like the kind of thing I remember liking.

Robin, Son of Batman #3

If this were a picture of me at eleven years old, there would be more cake.

Who's ready for Day 2 of the Year of Atonement?! What will we be atoning for next? Did Damian steal a Jawa action figure from one of his friends? Did he demagnetize his friend's Apple IIe disks? Did he write "Peter Martin is a fucker" on the sidewalk in front of Peter's house?! Did he scream at his friend for unfreezing him in a game of freeze tag when the person who was "it" was right behind him and managed to refreeze Damian immediately?! Did he plagiarize his oral report on glaciers because, seriously, who the fuck is going to write about glaciers in their own words when that encyclopedia from the 1950s worded the description flawlessly?! Did he used to immediately fly into a frenzied ball of wildly swinging arms and screams and tears whenever he felt anybody was treating him unfairly? He probably doesn't have to atone for any of those because Robin is not me. His sins probably involve killing people and stealing really important things.

Damian's next task is to return a crystal he stole from the Cult of the Cliff Swifts. They might all be dead since he trapped them in a mountain cave when he stole the crystal but that isn't his problem. This is his Year of Atonement and not his Year of Miracles. If they don't appreciate that he's making as much of an effort as possible, they can just keep being dead.

Well at least they're not dead.

Damian drops the crystal so the Swift Cult goes after it instead of him and Nobody. Day 73 of the Year of Blood atoned for! Maybe not exactly in the spirit of true atonement but at least Damian went through the motions. And the stupid Swift Cult have their stupid crystal back, so everything is good, right? Damian has already atoned for 73 days and it's only Issue #3!

After the atonement is taken care of, it's time for the part of the comic book where Damian and Nobody Too flirt with each other. I normally wouldn't call screaming at each other and getting into a fistfight "flirting," but this is a mainstream superhero comic book. That's all the explanation I need to give, right? I was going to say more and use concepts I don't totally understand like "arrested development" and "fantasy wish fulfillment" and "mostly written by men who really don't know how to interact with women," but I felt maybe I might hurt the feelings of some comic book readers and writers and maybe mine too.

The Sica Strike sounds sexy! I wonder if I can find somebody to use it on me?

Nobody knocks out Damian's tooth so that his face now has personality. At least it was a canine so it's not totally embarrassing to look at him. I'm not the only person who feels uncomfortable speaking with people whose front teeth are missing, am I? It freaks me out so much that I just stay as far away from six and seven year olds as possible.

Goliath flips the fuck out because Damian's whistle which helps to control the Werebat was destroyed by the Swift Cult. Now Damian touches Nobody without permission so that he can reprogram the sonic device in the palm of her hand. He gets it to emit a sound which either calms Goliath or turns his brains into scrambled eggs. Either way, it causes the Werebat to fall asleep. Now Damian has to make friends with Nobody so he can replace his whistle with her. That's called romance in comic book terms. It goes like this: a male character objectifies a female character (in this case, Nobody is nothing more than a whistle to Damian) so that he can stand to hang around with her. Eventually that means she says enough things to force him to realize she is an independent, thinking human being. That eventually leads to touching the female with permission because the female becomes impressed and grateful that the male now acknowledges her non-sexualized objectiveness and finally sees her as a full-fledged sex object.

Nobody and Damian stop flirting after Goliath falls asleep. Now it's time to remember they're both just kids and that they should be kid friends on a grand adventure!

Inappropriate phallic imagery. This is the part where they become friends! It's not the part where they turn this comic book into child pornography!

Nobody tells Damian her name is Maya which is practically the exact opposite of Nobody and Nothing! It's, like, symbolism and shit!

The first thing I typed about his lost tooth was that he was probably going to lose it soon anyway. But then I was going to continue the thought by saying not because it's a baby tooth but because he gets punched in the face so much. And then I deleted it all to point out how much toothless people freak me out.

Maya finds Damian's baby tooth hysterical because apparently she never lost baby teeth and she's above being human. I bet I was teased about losing my teeth which is why I can't speak with anybody missing their front teeth and the only nightmares I have are about losing my teeth and I'm going to just stop writing about teeth now because I'm feeling sick.

Meanwhile, Talia has been brought back to life with bath beads by the Lu'un Darga, the enemies of Ra's al Ghul. But Talia beats the crap out of her captor while her skin smells and looks terrific. She climbs up from her refreshing bath to find the Lu'un Darga have gotten their Crystal Sun of Power back and she freaks out. Well now. Maybe it would have been better to be open and honest with your child about why he was committing the atrocities he was committing during the Year of Blood, hmm? Might have prevented your ancient enemies from regaining all of their power. Think about that one the next time you want to manipulate somebody for your own ends, Talia. Or Ra's. Whoever was responsible for keeping Damian in the dark.

Maya has been receiving messages from her father's old contacts wondering where he's gone and why he isn't helping them make money by killing people. Maya does not tell them that her father is dead. She just tells them over AOL Messenger that she quits. That decision will probably cause some future conflict, right? I bet the person on the other end of the line is Deathstork!

Which it is! I figured it must be Deathstork and then I noticed the next page with the orange-gloved hand receiving the text message and knew it had to be Slade. Then the last page shows Deathstork and his beautiful smooth testicles proclaiming, "Nobody likes a quitter." Ha ha! Get it? NOBODY!

Robin, Son of Batman #3 Rating: No change. Damian and Maya are going to make a cute team. And because Damian is so young, it hopefully won't fall into the trap of creating a romantic side story simply because a male and female partner are working together. Globetrotting platonic kids adventure would be ideal, please. Although I wouldn't mind if Damian developed his first crush on Maya but she sees him as way too young and isn't attracted to his baby toothed face at all. Plus he killed her father, so that makes things kind of weird. I'm really just projecting my fantasy Batman/Catwoman relationship onto Damian and Maya now. Because what I want most in a Batman/Catwoman relationship is one where Bruce Wayne is head over heels in love with Catwoman and Catwoman is just done with him. I want to see Bruce suffer the pangs of heartbreak as he stalks Catwoman around the city and keeps getting caught by her so he stands around stuttering, "Oh. Um. I was just, you know, out on patrol over here on this roof across from your apartment, you know? Bad neighborhood, this. Leaky roof too. Um, gotta go now! Keep up the good work! Bye!" Anyway, I just hope that Patrick Gleason can make the Damian/Maya friendship as adorable as I'm imagining it could be.

Bat-mite #3

Obviously Bat-mite will be murdered before this issue is through.

Bat-mite is currently living with a Shaggy look-a-like named Weed and a derpy woman named Reagan. They work for some place called The Agency. I think they invited Bat-mite to live with them so they can have a wacky three-way. If that's not why they proffered the invite, I don't know what they want. Nobody is that friendly without wanting a little kink out of it. At least, I'm not.

For an E is for Everybody book, there's an awful lot of booze guzzling and bare ass! I guess if nobody is drinking or doing drugs to excess and the ass isn't portrayed in a sexual manner, it's okay. Plus it's Bat-mite's ass and he's kind of like a cherub, right? And children are allowed to see as much cherub ass as they can stomach.

Reagan's supervisor tells her that she has to allow Bat-mite to live with her as long as she wants. He doesn't say it exactly like that. He just kind of orders her to find out everything she can about him. That shouldn't be too hard since he's been living there for just one night and she's already seen his penis.

Now we're getting to the part of the story that isn't just rehashed jokes from old eighties sitcoms about roommates.

Bat-mite helps out Damian by using a rehashed jokes from an old sixties sitcom about Bat-roommates. Damian doesn't seem to like Bat-mite and threatens to cut his head off. That threat isn't out of place in an E is for Everybody comic book because Damian's contract with DC Comics allows him to commit one decapitation per comic book no matter what the rating is.

Gridlock arrives just in time to forestall a battle between Damian and Bat-mite. He also reveals his plan which he previously revealed only to the readers which they've probably forgotten if they don't keep detailed notes about the comic books they read like I do.

So Dan Jurgens is basically basing Gridlock on himself?

Gridlock moans about blogs and tweets and likes and instagrams and vines and periscopes and redtubes and youtubes and bluetubes and video games because he's an old fuddy-duddy robototron stuck in the eighties! He plans on forcing the youth into watching old eighties television dramas and liking them! I hope he makes them watch Little House on the Prairie because I can't flip past a station if I find that playing. I'll probably never buy the set on DVD because then I'd do nothing but watch Laura Ingalls be a raving bitch over and over and over again. She's my fucking hero.

Bat-mite says, "It's time to pull the goalie," and Gridlock is all, "Dur? What does that mean? I am into stupid sports that are not hockey!" He doesn't realize that the only sport worth going to see live is hockey. The only sport worth watching on television (and I use "sport" in its loosest sense) is golf because everybody talks really softly (except the one or two idiots who are still fucking yelling, "Get in your hole!") and it's super calming and helps facilitate falling asleep for a nice nap on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Gridlock paralyzes Bat-mite and drops him in the water where he drowns yet again. But Damian keeps him from being eaten by sharks because Damian is a hero and can't even let an annoying imp die. Although he did die so whatever. Mini-series over!

Oh yeah! I forgot about mouth-to-mouth! I probably should never have been allowed to be a lifeguard.

Bat-mite blows a horn that sounds like a fart and then leaves Damian because Damian has no sense of humor. After Bat-mite leaves, Damian cracks up at the fart horn which proves Damian has no sense of humor.

The issue ends with Skeets informing Booster Gold that they are going to need Bat-mite's help to stop Gridlock.

Hopefully in the next issue we'll find out what the fuck is happening in Booster Gold's pants.

Bat-mite #3 Rating: No change. I hate when people say, "It is what it is," or "Everything happens for a reason." I especially hate when people say them both. Fuck you, Clay from Big Brother. What an idiot. Although your mother fosters raccoons so she's cool.

Robin, Son of Batman #2

How do you not notice the printer put the cover art in upside down? Come on, DC!

I rewatched In Bruges yesterday. It's one of my favorite movies and one piece of entertainment I won't spoil even though it's eight years old. The movie has some problems but I think they're more problems on the way I'd like things to have turned out rather than problems with the film. Intellectually and thematically, I can understand why things happen the way they do. If you haven't seen it and you haven't heard anything about it, just watch it without digging around to see what it's about. It's currently on Netflix. And while it's definitely not the kind of movie that everybody is going to like, I think Colin Farrel and Brendan Gleeson turn in some absolutely spectacular performances. I saw it when it came out (at the Laurelhurst Theater in Portland, Oregon, of course) mainly due to the trailer. That trailer should be studied by most movie studios. It was simultaneously engaging whilst still managing to keep the real plot of the movie a surprise. Highly recommend. Would see again!

That has nothing to do with Robin, Son of Batman. Neither does this: in the two issue miniseries "The Pink Mink" featuring Wolverine and Doop, Doop says, in his secret language, "Gene Simmons is a fag." What the fuck was that about, Peter Milligan?! Maybe Milligan didn't script that at all. Maybe the letterer lost his girlfriend to Gene at a Kiss concert?

This issue begins with Damian Wayne acting cocky and/or arrogant. Whenever I want to add more flare to my writing, I'm going to use synonyms and link them by "and/or"! It'll be my thing! When people discuss Grunion Guy's writing in college classes years from now, students will write essays about me with titles like "Why the Fuck Do I Have To Read This Shit?" and "Grunion Guy is Garbage and/or Shit."

The scene in which Damian is acting arrogant is a practice skirmish with his mother where he believes he's beaten her but then she smacks him in the head and tells him he'll only beat her when she's dead. I mean, he won't whale on her corpse! He'll have defeated her only when she's dead. So that's her main lesson to her son: kill your enemy. And dad's main lesson to Damian is this: "Son, you must beat the ever loving crap out of your enemy but don't kill him because that's even more humiliating and kind of funny too. Especially when they come after you for revenge and you get to humiliate them a second time! So much more satisfying than killing them!"

After the flashback to Damian's initiation into The Year of Blood, the comic continues in South America where Damian is completing the first task of the Year of Atonement.

I hope Robin completes four or five tasks per comic book or else this comic series is going to take thirty years to complete.

The Guardian awakens once it regains its head and flips the fuck out. Since it's now attacking Damian and Goliath while screaming for more bricks for the temple, Damian feels justified in beating the crap out of it. Hopefully he won't take off its head to defeat it. Does the atonement still count if he immediately repeats the sin?

While Robin is being turned into a stone creature by The Guardian's "reality-warping, hypno-hands," he gains the ability to see Nobody Too watching him from atop a bottle cap shaped billboard. She springs into action to save innocent bystanders from being crushed by the buildings being knocked over by Goliath and the Guardian's battle. Once the Guardian's powers knock out Nobody Too's cloaking ability, she decides to abandon secrecy and just dive in to help Damian.

Aw, she's thanking him! They'll be best friends in no time.

Damian, Nobody Too, and Goliath wind up in the grip of the Guardian and can't break free. That means it's time for Damian to remember what happened on the first day of the Year of Blood to get some clues on how to defeat the Guardian. I bet it has to do with bricks!

It doesn't have anything to do with bricks. Damian gained possession of a magic sword protected by the Guardian. With that sword, Damian took the head off of the Guardian. I'm not sure why he needed the head of the Guardian though. I guess it was just a challenge to see if he could survive doing it. While defeating the Guardian, Damian learned from the villagers that they will have no protection against the cartels now. Damian declares that he doesn't care and leaves. That's when he realizes he must defeat the cartels because they're there because of Damian.

Once Damian and Nobody defeat the cartels, the Guardian judges him worthy of living (even if he still has the Guardian's sword). Day One of Atonement is complete! But it'll take more than one day worth of atoning to convince Nobody that Damian has changed. Not that Nobody cares! Nobody wants to see Damian atone for every day in the Year of Blood so that she can kill him then. I bet they become best friends before that day takes place in thirty years!

Like a well? Maybe of souls?!

Nobody lets Damian know that she'll be working with him to help me make amends. But not because she thinks he's cute, tee hee! It's because Damian is an arrogant little punk who needs to see how much damage he's caused. Damian seems to understand that he was a really terrible kid and he doesn't want anybody to see him that way anymore. Intellectually, he understands right versus wrong and how to go about at least trying to fix his reputation so that his father (and his father's Super Friends) will be able to see him as a hero without any caveats. But emotionally, Damian Wayne is a stubborn, arrogant prick. He's calculating and manipulative with his emotions even if he thinks he's being sincere. He's a sociopath doing the things he believes people with emotions would do, like when he gave his father one of the pearls from Martha Wayne's necklace. Now, I don't truly think he's a sociopath because that doesn't make for an interesting character. It's just that he's never known true emotion and can only simulate it through calculated actions. His journey into truly feeling his emotions is what will be interesting. You can see his inability to truly understand the pain he's caused when Nobody confronts him about the murder of her father.

He is lackadaisical in the idea of an apology and simply doesn't care about being forgiven. Right now, he cares for nobody. Before this is over, he'll care for Nobody.

Robin, Son of Batman #2 Rating: No change. Patrick Gleason has a solid framework built to tell the story of Damian's redemption. In atoning for his past crimes, he'll see first hand the repercussions of his actions. He'll meet people he's hurt along the way who will forgive him, and be thankful, even though he was the initial cause of all of their problems. He'll meet people he wants to help who won't give him their forgiveness and, at first, I'm sure he'll brush it off and not care. But it will begin to grate on him that people aren't acknowledging his redemptive actions which will hurt. He'll be doing a lot of self-examination during this comic series although it won't be easy. I'm sure we'll have a lot more arrogant, uncaring Damian before we see much movement toward emotional understanding.

Robin, Son of Batman #1

Goliath the Werebat is either Bruce Wayne or Alfred's right hand or Tim Drake.

Hopefully Patrick Gleason is a better artist-writer than David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I'll probably determine that he isn't not out of any objective skill he has but out of my subjective sour, and ever worsening, attitude toward comic books. As art, comic books are the crusty boogers of long grown fifth graders still haunting the underside of elementary school desks. But I'm not sophisticated enough to appreciate art via any other medium because movies are too long, poetry is too individualized, novels have too many fucking words that usually aren't fuck, and television isn't art, according to the Sophomores in my Humanities class in college. I suppose I could get my fix through children's books since everybody at every Portland Wine Tasting always has to mention how their favorite book was always one by Seuss or Sendak or Eastman (probably just to show that they're still full of wonder and childhood goodness and the adult world hasn't crushed their spirit at all although the way they're chugging that fucking wine says otherwise). I also don't go to wine tastings so that last sentence might be bullshit. But I can imagine what it would be like if I went to a wine tasting and in my imagination, it's exactly as I described it!

Okay, so I really don't think comic books are the bottom of the barrel when it comes to art. I think they have an opportunity to tell stories in ways that no other medium is able. So the problem isn't the medium at all; the problem is with the writers and artists within the medium failing to use it to its full advantage. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised when the only comics I'm really reading right now our superhero comics. I have plenty of comic books in trade paperback editions that prove writers and artists know full well how to take advantage of comic books (Chris Ware probably top among them. Get thee to Building Stories or Jimmy Corrigan preposthaste!). But those comic books aren't as fun to comment on as I read them. Those are the kinds of comic books which deserve critical essays written about every aspect of their existence. But those are fucking hard to write, you know?! That's why you won't find me saying anything about them here. But writing about Robin and his gigantic Werebat that makes no goddamned sense at all? Welcome to the funhouse!

And a cowfucker too, unless I'm mistaking the reason for using the word "engorged"!

The Pot calling the Werebat fat is the ruler of Bialya which probably means he's a lover of Black Adam (in the fandom sense, not in the sodomy sense). Robin crashed the Robinwing in this man's country and Goliath fucked this man's cows and now this man wants to make Robin his son. Just to remind everybody what New 52 Damian Wayne comics are all about, a decapitation is depicted seven panels in. Can't have a Damian Wayne comic book without somebody losing their head! Anyway, Robin is going to have to fight the Prince to prove he is worthy to become a prince himself. I think instead of taking this rich guy up on his offer, Damian is just going to beat up a whole mess of people soon. Or very soon. Whichever comes first.

Oh! It was very soon!

Patrick Gleason Artist-Writer Update!
His storytelling is clear and concise. He sets up action so that it makes sense as it takes place. Just in this first meeting, he gives the reader a clear feel for the size of the room, the location of Damian and those within it, and makes sure that the background adds additional information about the owner of the location. I'm only four pages into the comic book so I might be optimistic. Maybe Patrick Gleason spent three weeks doing these four pages and the rest of the comic book is going to be a mess! But after these four pages, I trust that Gleason knows how to write, draw, and pace an intelligible story. That might seem like low hanging fruit but after some of the shit Artist-Writers have published, I'll be ecstatic with simply intelligible!

The story flashes back to Damian back at Wayne Manor. When it takes place is anybody's guess because Damian himself is the cause of much consternation to the continuity purists. Did Batman's search for Damian take place after Batman Eternal and Endgame? If not, where was Damian? How could Batman have searched for Damian after Endgame if he was dead?! Perhaps this will explain how Damian was running around the world on his own during Endgame. Perhaps Gleason won't even deal with it. As for me, I only care up until the end of this paragraph.

Meanwhile in Gotham Harbor, somebody is recovering the mask of Nobody. The mask has file footage on it revealing the identities of Batman and Robin. And the certain somebody recovering the mask is Nobody's daughter, Whats-her-name Ducard.

While Robin is left at home because Batman wanted to patrol on his own, Damian gets a message from somebody that Goliath has escaped so Damian has to sneak out to go take care of his pet Werebat. Apparently he's got an Alfred on Al Ghul Island who takes care of the pets he doesn't have time for just like the Alfred back in Gotham taking care of Alfred II, Titus, and Batcow.

Some consider it a privilege, not a job, to tend to their pet's every need!

Damian has to fetch a whistle on a submarine from the "Year of Blood" which I know nothing about either because it's something new Gleason has come up with or it's something that happened during the years I wasn't reading comic books or it's that thing where Damian killed lots of assassins while Talia trained him that I can barely remember. I've been playing too much Nethack again so I'm totally into this pet/whistle connection thing going on. While Damian is down in the sub, something from behind a sealed door calls out his name. It makes Damian sweat so it must be super scary. Like Japanese Urban Legends scary!

Damian uses the magic whistle to control Goliath and they beat up a few more guards before escaping. But Goliath flies too high so that Damian passes out to have a nice dream with Dick in it. Although it quickly goes from a pleasant dream where Damian is treating Dick like crap to a nightmare where Batman is interrogating Damian about "The Year of Blood."

Damian wakes up screaming the way he never does because it would indicate he isn't in as much control as he wants everybody to believe. He finds he's still on Al Ghul Island because he told Goliath to take him home and that's Goliath's home. It also gives Damian another opportunity to call something stupid. But after his dream, Damian figures he should probably stay on the island until he's dealt with The Year of Blood. So he heads back into the submarine to take a sneak peek at whatever was calling him from behind the door.

Was Damian working for Planetary that year?

On board the submarine are all the trophies Damian kept after concluding every mission during the Year of Blood. One trophy per day. Now Damian wants to begin the Year of Atonement where he redeems himself for every trophy he took during the Year of Blood. So "Robin, Son of Batman" is a bit like the comic book version of "Friday the 13th" the television show. And I bet the final day of Damian's atonement will be when he partakes of a Couples' Skate with Nobody Jr. and then they kiss while sharing some nachos in the snack room. So cute!

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, Talia al Ghul climbs out of a crevice where she was dropped way back during Batman's search for Damian's corpse. She confronts a creature called the Lu'un Darga which bears nearly the same symbol as the symbol on the object Damian chose to atone for first. Damian's object was connected to something called "The Guardian" and had six little whisker arrow things pointing up. Lu'un Darga's symbol has six little whisker arrow things pointing down! I bet the Guardian was supposed to have kept Lu'un Darga in its pit but Damian killed the Guardian! Or, you know, something vaguely like that or something.

Robin, Son of Batman #1 Rating: This feels like a near seamless continuation of Batman and Robin because, obviously, the art is exactly the same. But I feel like Gleason and Tomasi must have shared ideas on who Damian is and how he acts. Some might be thinking how wrong can somebody really write the little prick, right? But seriously, I can see Damian Wayne being written horribly. We need to share some kind of compassionate link with him. Early in the comic book when Damian is training alone in the Batcave, he stumbles over Alfred II and falls into a pit. He finds himself lying next to the skeleton of a bat. Now, I'm sure bats die and decay all the time in the cave, and this is probably one of them. But the way Damian looks at it, you can tell he's already realizing how much he has to atone for, even the smallest things he did like killing a bat in the batcave. He'll always have reminders of the person he used to be and he needs to find a way to set that boat sailing away as his father once, I guess, said. And Gleason sets it up nicely to have the daughter of Nobody as Damian's foil for the series. I would probably give this start an A+ if I wasn't such a monstrous asshole. Instead it gets a C- because I have a reputation to uphold!

Batman and Robin #39

Damian's quinceañero goes horribly wrong.

I either need to invest in a notebook or a scribe because, while I was out in the scary world (aka the real world), I forgot the subjects I was going to muse about on this blog. That might be for the best since most readers of this blog think of it as a blog about comic books no matter how many times I point out that it's a blog about the most gifted person ever born to the modern era: Nikola Tesla. It's also a blog about me. I really should start making it more obviously about Nikola though.

Previously in Batman and Robin, Damian had begun to believe that gaining super powers was somehow a shortcut to adulthood. I can see how somebody powerful enough to shove their parents through a wall could make that mistake. But Damian's parents are Batman and Alfred, so even if Damian is powerful enough to turn them into billion dollar paste, it doesn't mean he's going to be capable of it. So that fucking brat had better shape up quick! Especially since there are only two issues left (counting this one!) before Batman can finally give Damian a hug.

This issue begins with Damian using his super speed to round up a few of Gotham's elite criminals. Well, one elite criminal and several nobodies. If you're keeping score, The Penguin is the elite criminal. Killer Croc, Bathead, Smush, Bootface, and Scallop are the nobodies. Okay fine! Killer Croc is a b-list somebody! But you have to admit that he isn't an "elite criminal." At the most, he's hired muscle and a fucking cannibal.

Damian gathers them all up in a room to show them his new super powers.

Tell their friends free trips into space?! Hoo boy!

Damian loses his grip on the rope and almost cleans up Gotham a little bit. But Batman flies by in the Batwing, catches the rope, and lectures Damian.

You might also believe he flipped him off, depending on how good my photoshop skills are.

The next day, Damian and Bruce go fishing the way neither of them love to do. While fishing, Bruce tells Damian how he was able to resurrect him. Turns out the chaos sliver that Bruce used to bring Damian back from the dead also implanted the knowledge within Bruce about how to accomplish the feat. In other words, comic books.

Damian cuts Alfred's suggested father/son time down by flying Bruce and the boat back to Wayne Manor. Now that they've half-heartedly respected Alfred's wishes that they bond in a normal activity, Bruce goes back to running tests on Damian and almost getting sued by Marvel.

Ten years old? I'm forty-three and still feel invincible! Except for my eyesight failing, my lower back constantly hurting, hemorrhoids, enlarged prostate, decreased lung function, hatred of new music, increasing concern over the lawn, fear of youth, decreased sexual appetite except where teenaged girls are concerned and then I'm a leering, drooling pervert, abundance of ear hair, loss of head hair, occasional renal failure, tendency to vote Republican, and the ever increasing strong belief that every random opinion to pop into my head is the wisest and most profound thing ever thought by anybody ever. Besides those things, I still feel sixteen! Also, I might not actually suffer from all of those things. Although I'm getting rather fidgety right now thinking that there might be kids on my lawn!

Damian continues to rely on his new powers instead of his Bat-Training while battling Gotham bad guys and it's giving Batman an ulcer. Unless ulcers aren't caused that way anymore but are caused by viruses instead. What am I? A doctor?! Or even curious about ulcers? Gross! You can Wikipedia that garbage if you're interested.

Batman tries to talk some adult logic into Damian's little kid brain and just like all the little kids reading this right now thinking, "Pshaw! Whatever, old person!", he doesn't believe that age and experience might know something that he's yet to learn. Also, what are you doing reading this, little kid? Does your mom want you to read words like cunt and cocksucker? I didn't think so. Now go back to playing Penguin Club that's probably full of old pervert penguins trying to lure young penguins into seductive, censored sex dens. Or *** dens.

Batman gets called by the Justice League to solve one of their problems, so he leaves Damian alone with the Batmobile. Is this one of those moments where you show your child that you trust them and that motivates them to do the right thing? Or is Batman a naive dickslap?

Apparently Batman just did the pretend to leave but wait around a little bit to see how badly Damian goofs off instead thing.

There are loads and loads of types of people but the two I'm interested in talking about right now are these: one type of soulless, joyless motherfuckers that read the preceding panel and think, "How the fuck is the Batsignal still working?"; and the other that thinks, "Did Tess use that semicolon correctly?" No wait! The other whimsical, gleeful types think, "Ha ha ha!" Or something. I'm one of a third type that really enjoys Tomasi so even though I think about the Batsignal and how it shouldn't still be lit (Damian's super powers, probably!), I still thoroughly enjoy this scene. But if it were Red Hood or Arsenal in this scene being written by Scott Lobdell, I'd tear his fucking head off with my words!

I embrace my hypocrisy and bias and sometimes I even bring it to orgasm.

Damian acting like a complete psychopath earns him a trip to the Justice League Satellite Headquarters Sponsored by LexCorps, so it totally worked. In your face, Batman! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I thought Damian was trying to trick him into transforming. Apparently, Shazam can say "Shazam" without changing. I bet he only changes if he says it with an exclamation point at the end!

While Shazam tries to get Robin to play with him, Superman informs Batman that Godzilla is attacking Japan. I bet battling that monster would be more fun than playing Mario Kart with Billy Batson! Although Damian should pal around with Shazam because Shazam is proof that the Justice League allows minors on the team! They must not care about minors getting injured if they allow Billy to fight with them. And if they refuse to let Robin join, then it shows that the only thing the Justice League really cares about is the way people view them. As long as people think the thirteen year old is a full grown man, nobody is going to hassle them about it.

Robin knows a little bit about the island where the monster is from and it's called Ghost Island. Isn't that the island where Planetary found all the giant monster corpses?

Whoa! What kind of parental gambit is this, Batman?! I bet he just doesn't trust Damian to remain on the satellite all by himself.

Batman and Robin #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I bet Batman learned about some kind of radiation on Monster Ghost Island that negates Chaos Shard superpowers! That guy's always got some kind of plan. Removing Damian's superpowers falls in the parental category of "for his own good." He's gotten careless now that he's begun relying on his powers. Taking his powers away will save this kid's life before his powers fail for a microsecond just as a bullet rips its way through his throat. And then what? I'll have to read another nine months of Batman dealing with his grieving process all over again! And in the middle of that, he'll probably have a five issue story arc dealing with Erin McKilleverbuddy. And who wants to sit through that again, no matter how good they were the first time? Oh, um, and here's my review of this comic book: it gets to be better than Grayson at least until Grayson comes out because this comic book is entertaining. Then pretend I wrote a few trite lines about how the art works with the story and some bullshit.

Robin Rises Alpha #1

So Damian has heat vision now?

Batman and Robin #37 ended with Batman returning Damian Wayne to life after a slight detour to Apokolips so that he could humiliate Darkseid again. This issue takes a step back in time to begin the end of that story from Alfred's point of view as he sits back in the Batcave hanging out with the Batpets that didn't manage to sneak off into the BOOM Tube.

I see Batcow got a nice tan from her time in California. Get it? She's leather! Tanning?! No?

Holy shit. The Batkids have been gone for sixty two hours? Which means Batman has been gone for even longer? That means it takes an awful long time before the Hellbat suit will destroy its wearer. Why doesn't Batman wear it more often?! He can take it out on short jaunts without a problem if he can survive over sixty hours in it on Apokolips! I bet it uses a ton of battery power though. And now that Batman has lost all of his wealth, he probably can't afford to wear it anymore. Unless he truly has to wear it! Like when the entire Justice League comes after him. That was the Hellbat suit he was wearing in Engame, wasn't it? It would certainly explain why none of the other Justice League members wanted to give Bruce access to it for his journey to Apokolips. Why give him the one thing that would ensure that he can beat every single one of them?

Dammit. As Alfred goes off to put on his 90s Comic Book Alfred Pennyworth Gear, he walks through a panel that demands to be my new header. But I just made the Supergirl header! I really need to figure out the code to enable random headers each time the page reloads.

About eight pages are used to repeat the action at the end of Batman and Robin #37 with some minor changes in perspective and a few new details, like how the BOOM Tube can't close until Cyborg's system reboots. It's a good thing Darkseid commanded Kalibak not to follow them or else Alfred would have had to shoot his ass.

Oh well. I guess Kalibak listens to Darkseid as well as Orion listens to Highfather.

As the Batfamily prepared to face whatever came through the BOOM Tube, Damian accidentally crushed a Batarang. I guess Damain can probably take Kalibak all by himself now, right? Maybe he even has Omega Beam Eyes! Which is probably a horrible turn of events for a kid that really can't control his anger very well.

After a short bout, it looks like Damian is going to have to deal with Kalibak all by himself.

Damian displays super speed, super strength, flight, invulnerability, and super precociousness. He very nearly takes down Kalibak on his own before being pinned under Batman's gigantic penny. It's a very heavy penny! Plus, Damian's probably a little bit dizzy and concussed from his battle with Kalibak. Even invulnerability has a tough time against the fists of an Apokoliptian.

But then the Batpets save the day and provide a distraction while everybody else gets their wits together.

I'm sure Alfred Pennyworth the Cat was the mastermind behind Titus's attack and the placement of the Batcow pie.

Batcow has now had more interactions with New Gods than most DC Characters. She's a rising star!

Cyborg finally reboots and Batman ghost flies a Batjet into Kalibak, sending him through the BOOM Tube just as it closes. Then everybody hugs and says, "I'm glad everything is back to normal now!" as Damian flies around the room making muscles.

Uh oh. Reunions are happening! Just a few more panels before Damian utters the question everybody's been waiting to hear: "Where's Dick?"

Meanwhile in Nanda Parbat, a naked woman kills a bunch of guys in the snow and declares she doesn't know who she is. It is a mystery! Nobody can guess who she is at all!

As things settle down and Batman begins to put Damian through a number of tests to figure out the limits of his powers, Dick's name never comes up. I'm sure it will be the source of much consternation for Batman in the next issue of Batman and Robin.

Robin Rises Alpha #1 Rating: I recently mentioned in some commentary or another that Batman should get a sidekick with superpowers. And now that he has one, it's going to be weird. With a kid as powerful as Superman with the same diverse set of superpowers, Batman is going to be superfluous! Robin can now rush in, take all the bullets, tie everybody up at super speed, and do his homework, all before Batman even crashes through the skylight. He can even kill one or two people and hide the bodies before Batman notices! I guess Batman's next quest is to find a cure for superpowers.

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

Batman and Robin #33

I like to believe that Captain Cold is about to put a bullet in the back of Aquaman's head.

All aboard the party bus to Apokolips! I hope Batman gets in a fist fight with Granny Goodness!

Last issue, Damian Wayne's corpse was taken to Apokolips by Glorious Godfrey. Batman tried to go along but was stopped by the Justice League.

Because you don't have a Mother Box?

Aquaman should really stop butting into Batman's business and help those poor Killer Whales he dragged up to this elevation to fight his battles for him. They're probably freezing to death right now. And they have stomach aches from eating meat from Apokolips.

Aquaman's reasons for not allowing Bats to go to Apokolips are far more philosophical and theoretical than my quite practical reason. Apparently the Justice League can't leave Earth because they need to protect it. I think they might have learned that lesson during Forever Evil. If they aren't around to save the world, some asshat like Lex Luthor will wind up saving it and steal all of their thunder. So no more disappearing tricks when the Earth needs them! Even if Cyborg can generate a stable enough Boom Tube to transport Batman to Apokolips, Aquaman says he can't go.

Wait a second! Who gave Aquaman the last word?! Fuck that fish fucker!

Remember how I mentioned Forever Evil earlier? I just wanted to point out yet another mistake that DC's Editors made. In the back of this week's comic books, they have a map of the Multiverse. It's not really much of a map. It just shows a bunch of worlds with numbers and graphic hints as to who lives on each of the Earths. But Earth-3 shows a world with the continents in the correct direction. Am I misremembering the land masses being a mirror image of our land masses? Sometimes I feel I should get Jonni DC's old job as continuity cop.

Frankenstein walks out of this comic book because heroes squabble too much. Also, he was only helping Batman to recover his son's body so that it could be properly laid to rest. He doesn't want any part in this mad obsession to resurrect the child.

Shazam is fifteen? I think he may have told a few lies when filling out his application.

Batman is trying to gain access to his Hellbat costume which he keeps on Luthor's Justice League Satellite for some reason. I'm not even sure what it does! It must help Batman to walk since it's a crutch.

Yep. It's a crutch.

Seriously though, Batman doesn't need a super suit to make him Superman! He just needs to be Batman! I suppose if all of the heavy hitters were killed and Batman was the only one left that could put a cosmic bullet in Darkseid's head, he might want to be extra prepared. Or he could just do it without a super suit much the way he did it in that universe that doesn't exist anymore because it got the boot.

The Hellbat suit was forged in the sun by Superman. So when did Superman learn how to make armor? And who created an anvil and hammer that could survive the heat of the sun? And what kind of material is it made out of that it wasn't just incinerated immediately?

Another fight breaks out amongst the heroes because Charles Soule didn't write this bit. Thankfully, even though Tomasi wrote the battle, nobody gets decapitated. Batman just stands down and walks away. To be fair, Captain Cold started the whole thing by putting his freeze gun up to Batman's head. I can't believe he did that and the Justice League took Cold's side when Batman disarms him! What a bunch of dicks! Captain Cold should have been immediately thrown off the team!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Darkseid's most specialest boy gets his first New 52 appearance.

Crikey, he's a big one!

Back at Wayne Manor, Superman pays Bruce a visit to apologize for the way the Justice League reacted. It's one of those touching scenes that Tomasi does so well that DC Comics would be smart to make note of. More of this friendship crap and caring for each other and less grim death and nonsense. Although it's harder for me to crack dick jokes when Clark and Bruce are being all touchy feely. Wait a second! No it isn't! I could have scanned a picture where they were being all sentimental and nice and captioned it, "Gay!" What a missed opportunity!

You know, if Tomasi and Soule wrote most of DC Comics, I think DC would sell a lot more comics. To the gays!

Since the Justice League and Superman wouldn't listen to Batman's desperate cry for help in bringing his son back to life, he gathers together the Bat-Family. They have to help him out or else they're out of the will! Too bad he forced Dick to fake his own death or he could have had added him to his Bat-army of Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, Titus, and Alfred Pennyworth (human). Alfred Pennyworth (cat) and Batcow are going to sit this one out.

Batman and Robin #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. The scene between Clark and Bruce was especially nice but what made it better was how Bruce watched Superman fly off and casually went down into the Batcave where his Bat-family were waiting and just said, "Let's get to it." Fuck the Justice League and the Hellbat armor. Crutches, I tell you! Crutches! What's needed for this mission to Apokolips is a bunch of non-super-powered mortals that have no kinds of super strength and even less invulnerability and couldn't possibly stand toe to toe with even the runtiest of all Apokoliptians! But even though the odds are stacked against them, they'll win in the end because they have the most powerful weapon in the world on their side: LOVE!

So gay!

Secret Origins #4

Three Robin origins across four issues? I want my money back! I want all the money back!

I just watched the trailer for the next Mad Max movie and I ruined my underwear. Then I put on a clean pair of underwear and ruined those too. Now I'm sitting in a pile of ruined underwear and I still can't stop thinking about another Mad Max movie! After watching the trailer, I realize it might be upsetting to have a Mad Max film that uses CGI but you know what? I just don't fucking care. I have already shot that fact in the head and buried it in the backyard inside a tiny little shoebox. Why do I have a tiny little shoebox? Holy shit! The baby!

Okay, now that I've buried two separate things in my backyard, it's time to repress most of this afternoon (but not the Mad Max trailer!) and read me some secret origins!

Harley Quinn
Let's see if I can remember Harley's secret origin. This New York speaking sexy clown in pajamas appeared on a Batman cartoon and everybody lost their shit forever over her. So someone at DC commanded, "Put her in every comic ever made because I love fucking money!" And that's how Harley Quinn was born!

I'm not sure about the New York accent. Maybe she has a Jersey accent? Whatever it is, I can't not hear it when I read any of her speech bubbles. Sometimes I forget she has it and then she'll refer to The Joker as "Mistah J" and there it is all over again, lolling around in my brain pan, stretching out its feet and legs and knocking over every other thought. Hopefully this secret origin story will also clear up where exactly her accent comes from! The secret origin of Harley Quinn's accent!

It's a Brooklyn accent! Um, I knew that! What I don't know is why she's talking into a robot's penis.

Riddle me this, Batfriends!

What's the sound a robot makes when it's coming?
01001111011010000010000001000001011100110110100101101101011011110111011000100001

Most robots can't orgasm because once they discover masturbation, they get caught in an infinite loop and they're totally useless from then on out.

Okay, so this secret origin tale is already off to a great start! I've learned the secret origin of Harley's accent and next I learn the secret origin of Harley's love of proactive psychopaths!

This is the most romantic moment so far in the entire New 52. Who knew I wanted more romance?! Sure, there were some sweet and tender moments in Firestorm, like when Jason and Ronnie married each other in the Zero Issue. But not many others!

Already this Harley Quinn origin has made this issue worth it! It's a treasure trove of facts that may or may not be actual facts, seeing that Harley Quinn is a looney tunes with a penchant for stretching the truth. And I know looney tunes with truth stretching penchants! I see one any time I accidentally glance sidelong into a mirror!

The next super secret origin that gets told is one I really wasn't expecting: the origin of Bernie, Harley Quinn's beaver!

Why is beaver slang for a vagina? Do vaginas have buck teeth and flappy tails? No wait! I know the answer to that because I've seen so many of them in my life you would never believe me if I told you how many! They, um, don't?

My friend Bob's mom used to refer to vaginas as "crickets." I guess she believed they brought good luck.

Harley gets a job blowing the warden at Arkham Asylum which allows her to conduct an experiment on the deranged patients. She would dye her hair and pretend she was a prisoner thus making them, um, think she was a prisoner. It was a radical study and proved that people could dye their hair and pretend to be inmates of a sanitarium. But it didn't convince all of the patients! The Joker knew Harley was a doctor and singled her out. He might have realized she was a doctor when she went up to him and said, "Hey Mistah J! I'm totally a prisoner and stuff. That's kinda whack, hunh?" The Joker, being smarter than most of the other patients, remembered that his doctor talked like that! And she looked like this person if this person only had blonde hair and a white coat! The Joker ain't not Killer Croc! You can't get a fast one past him!

This page might be the origin of the Narration Box. It's hard to tell since I didn't read most of it. I ain't tryin' ta read no actual book!

After her white skin's secret origin, The Joker dumps her and she spends some time screaming in the rain while Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti walk by, obviously in love with each other. After that's over, she becomes her own woman, strong and independent! Except for that one slip up with Deadshot when she called her vagina a clown car. That was awkward.

Harley Quinn Secret Origin Rating: +3 Ranking. Best origin story so far! Maybe it's only the best because she's so fucking adorable as she tells it. And she has a sense of humor! It doesn't matter that the punchline of most of her jokes revolve around corpses. I can forgive most of her murders because she's one of the few upbeat and perky characters in the New 52! Although Power Girl and The Huntress over in Worlds' Finest had a lot of enjoyable moments, like that time Power Girl touched The Huntress's ice cream with her poo fingers. Those girls!

Green Arrow
I pretty much nailed the Harley Quinn secret origin, so let's see how much I remember of Green Arrow's origin. He was a mama's boy rich kid bullshitter who needed to be taught a lesson by daddy. So daddy built an island and then he arranged for his son to fall off the deck of an oil rig while partying and wash up on the island where he'd suffer through many trials and tribulations learning how to be the man his father wanted him to be as opposed to the individual which Oliver actually grew into. Somewhere along the way, Oliver learned how to shoot an arrow really well. Then he got into a fight with Aquaman over a game of Karate Champ and they never spoke again.

Here's a spot of wisdom from one of my dopey friends growing up: "Bailing only leads to the big payoff!" -- Larry Trantham. I always felt unbroken bones were better than payoffs, so I never earned one. Although that never stopped me from bailing constantly! I think Larry's wisdom was bullshit!

That year on the way to camp, Ollie's limo crashed into an island where a tribe of BMXers lived. And the only way to earn food was to jump a series of complicated jumps on a dirt bike. By the end of the summer, Ollie had learned to ride a bike so well that he jumped off the island and onto a passing ferry where his father was waiting for him with a prostitute. Ollie spent the entire ride home bunny hopping her because he didn't know what to do with his ding dong in relation to her cup cake.

Realizing that his kid needed extra help to not quit every thing he ever tried, Dad Queen immediately set about building an island based on Road Warrior where Ollie would learn to drive.

Eventually Oliver learned to stop quitting things because he was sick of being stranded on islands every summer. But he still had one last island to be stranded on! The big island with all the secrets and his father in a mask trying to prove to his son that he can be a proper heir. Wouldn't business school have been easier?

So are we all in agreement that his Ann Nocenti days were a series of hallucinations brought on by bad sushi, and that Oliver Queen never actually went bankrupt? Yeah? Okay, great!

Green Arrow Secret Origin Rating: No change. I don't think this secret origin had anything in it that wasn't in any of his previous regular New 52 issues save for the part where his dad tells him to never stop fighting. I guess it's nice that his dad had one conversation with Ollie and that it was something worth remembering. What if the only conversation he'd had with him had been, "Don't piss on the floor, asshole." I suppose, with that advice, he'd still grow up to be a deadeye.

Robin (Damian Wayne Version)
I don't know anything about Damian Wayne's origin. Talia drugged Batman so that he'd foolishly have unprotected sex and come inside the test tube she had stuffed inside her vagina. Then she used Batman's semen to fertilize one of her eggs, grew Damian in a glass bubble, and raised him until about the age of nine when he started getting mouthy. That's when she decided he should spend some time with his father. Right about when he was getting accustomed to life with Bruce, Bruce got himself killed (presumably not by Darkseid in The New 52 because I think the only real encounter New Earth has had with Darkseid was in the first Justice League story arc). Then Damian palled around with Dick and learned that fighting crime could be fun, so when Bruce reappeared and tried to be a dad again, Damian was pissed. Somehow that eventually led to Alfred forgetting to suggest a rope which allowed Damian to go off and get himself killed. I might have glossed over a few key points but fuck it. You all know the story better than I do! Probably. If you don't, my synopsis is damn well good enough!

What's with always hanging criminals from lampposts? Didn't Spider-man invent that?

Did Damian never actually play the part of Robin until he teamed up with Nightwing? I have some serious missed reading to catch up on! Why were interesting Batman comic books being written during my Long Hiatus?

Alfred catches up Nightwing on Damian's history while making it known at every possible opportunity that he thinks the kid is a righteous little shit. Calling in a big brother figure was probably the best move he could have made even if he didn't consider the move to be anything more than finding somebody else to deal with the bastard.

Nightwing delivers a note from Bruce stating that Damian has earned the honor of wearing the Robin suit. Which I guess means that Nightwing automatically gets to wear the Batman suit.

It was all Alfred's plan so he can enjoy the evenings in peace and quiet. Let fucking Dick deal with the little fuckface.

Damian Wayne Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking I appreciate that, after Batman died, Alfred's main goal with Damian was to get him under control somehow, and that it was Alfred's idea to stick Damian in the Robin guise while training under Nightwing. I haven't read any of the Preboot stories with Dick as Batman and Damian as Robin but it just seems like such a great pairing, especially to help teach Damian to act human. Dick is the kind of guy that doesn't have anything to prove, so Damian's rebellions and taunts simply amuse Dick. I really need to pick up those old issues because I think I'd love Dick as Batman. I can't even imagine a well-balanced, fairly happy Batman that treats the cowl as a job as opposed to an obsession. Back in the eighties and nineties, I could barely stand Dick Grayson. But since I've been back to reading comic books with The New 52, he's quite possibly my favorite character. And I like him extra special when Peter J. Tomasi is writing him.