Friday, July 31, 2015

The Flash Annual #4

Yay! Aside from the cover, no Brett Booth art in this issue!

This annual must be about how Professor Zoom recruited these super villains to his crew so that they can appear seamlessly in the pages of the regular series.

The issue begins in 1520 in the Aztec Empire which was being properly transformed into a civilized and religious world by my great Spanish ancestors! An Aztec woman ages a bird with magic and some"Liberators" (Conquistador sounds so harsh!) spy her horrible witchcraft! They say, "Usted ve con sus propios ojos. Ella es una bruja! Ella debe morir!!" I don't know Spanish very well but since I'm half-Spanish and was often called "mal niño" by my Grandmother, I think I'm pretty good at translating the language. Translated, the Spanish hero is saying, "Y'all saw that with your proprietary eyes, right?! She's an illusionist! She has to die!!" And she's all, "Ooh! How do you dye your clothing black?! I'll teach you how to dye clothing purple if you show me the trick to getting it black?!" And they're all, "Oh! Fancy!" But then Professor Zoom kidnaps her and the good Spanish lads are left disappointed.

But before Professor Zoom kidnaps her (which I assume he's going to do because he travels through time and why else would the story begin in 1520?!), the Spaniards have more Spanish wisdom for me to translate!

"She is either dangerous or a gross dog! Prepare your weapons!" "Hope!" "What do you want, old fart?" "Pardon me. I only wish to speak with her, playful squidman." "Very well. Dog ten cities."

This woman, Magali, makes Eobard Thawne young in exchange for his protection which he provides by killing the heroic Spanish Liberators. Magali offers her services to Eobard in his hunt to save the world from The Flash. But first they must collect more people throughout time who have been touched by the Speed Force. This should be boring or exciting!

Eobard's next stop is in Southern Africa in 1883. I am not part African or Dutch or whatever nation the heroic and not racist at all according to most text books Liberators were, so my translations skills will not be useful for this section of the comic book. Sorry!

Wow, these liberators are kind of dicks! But they speak English, so they must be the good guys. How dare that worker, probably compensated well for his time and hard work, try to steal from the company!

The thief is the Folded Man and he's stealing the diamonds to stick into his own mine. I guess he'll dig them up later and show them to the white guys and say, "Hey! Look what I found in the mine on my land which you didn't kick me off of and won't kick me off of now because it's just business, right guys?!" And they'll all clap him on the back and say, "How lucky you are! Here! Have a great fat cigar on us! Welcome to the rich man's club!" But before that plan can come together, Eobard and Magali show up to recruit him for their time travelling circus.

The white European people (who are being made out to be the bad guys for some reason!) seem to be responsible for burning the Folded Man's village and killing everybody within it. The Folded Man offers to join Eobard in exchange for getting revenge against the Europeans who just made a simple mistake, probably. I'm sure there's a rational explanation fro why the village burned. But Eobard the white guy convinces him that they can get revenge against all white people across all time if he joins the team. So he joins and they all time travel to find the next indigenous person that has a beef with the Europeans.

1957. Australia. A Maori woman is working in a circus sideshow and not being exploited at all. She is an immovable object unless you call her a Maori witch and then she'll move all over your stupid face. I suppose that means she somehow manipulates time so that she can lock her body into a moment. If there's no time, there's no movement! I think. That sounds about right.

Speaking of Maoris, I saw Jemaine Clement's What We Do In The Shadows last night. All I have to say is "Superb." Not only are all the actors who play vampires geniuses in their roles, Rhys Darby makes a serious attempt at stealing the entire movie as the Alpha Werewolf of a group of "werewolves not swearwolves" encountered by the vampires. I'm fairly certain I can say this is not only the best vampire movie ever made but the best vampire movie that will ever be made. I love Jemaine Clement's under-delivered performances. They really make the scene where the young vampire eats a chip. The delivery of his warning not to eat the chip is genius compared to the consequences of eating the chip. Fucking magical.

Once The Human Block is rescued from the circus, Eobard explains everybody's powers even though most readers probably have them all figured out by now.

I was close enough about The Human Block's powers.

According to the cover, Eobard still has two more people to rescue! The next one he takes from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, in 1982. So is Eobard actively only recruiting indigenous people who have been granted Speed Force power so he can point at white Barry Allen and say, "There he is! Another white man trying to take what's yours!" He's treating these recruits like trained dogs! Who's the real racist here?

Don't say I am! Jerks!

The scene in Oklahoma plays out like something from X-men or the Inhumans. A kid with super powers has been shuttled off from one boy's home to another. But Professor Xavier Thawne is there to help! "You aren't a freak. You're special. You have unique powers. You have a family. Blah blah blah." Hugs all around. Another member recruited. Next!

Maybe don't spin then?

The fifth person on the cover is Hairy Potter, aka Selkirk. So I guess the band is complete. Time to rock The Flash's world!

But the police hate him! And everybody warns to get out of his way when he's around! He's unloved and unappreciated! I'm pretty sure now is the perfect time to kill him!

Does the Speed Force allow people to learn new languages quickly too?

Eobard Thawne reveals his face to the others when Magali questions how Professor Zoom knows so much about The Flash. But since Brett Booth isn't drawing the face that is revealed, I have no idea if I'm supposed to gasp at the revelation. Is it Bong Dazo's version of Henry Allen? Maybe! Or it could be Captain Frye! It's also possible it's Bruce Wayne! Shouldn't there be an editorial box telling me who it is I'm supposed to recognize?!

The last few pages show how Thawne manipulated events in each of his crew member's lives so they would wind up at a place where they would feel obligated to help him. It's a real shocker to find out Eobard Thawne isn't the caring guy he was making himself out to be!

The Flash Annual #4 Rating: I don't rate annuals. But The Flash probably wishes that I did because this was much, much better than the ongoing title. I'm absolutely not a fan of the Eobard Thawne using time travel to set up events to bring down The Flash because it's not going to work even though it should work because time travel! Keep doing it until you get it right or you break reality! But don't just lose! Losing is for people who can't time travel! I wonder how much more I liked this issue simply because I didn't have to look at Brett Booth's goofy art and screwy panel layouts?

The Flash #42

When The Flash catches a bullet, where does all the excess energy go?! Oh right. "The Speed Force." Never mind.

Apparently you can't have philosophical discussions about The Flash's power because of the addition of the enigmatic speed force to his abilities. The Speed Force explains away anything that doesn't make sense. And the idea that the Speed Force can be turned off and on so Barry can live in a normal speed world without going absolutely mental explains everything else. I would think playing with all of these grand ideas about physics and time and velocity and space would be the most interesting things about writing a Flash story but in reality they just get in the way when you want to have The Flash say something funny at superspeed and have everybody around him laugh at what he said instead of going, "What is that weird buzzing sound?!"

I just bought tickets to the Alice Cooper concert here in Portland in December and holy fuck concerts have gotten expensive! I remember when you had to line up at a Ticketmaster location in the hopes of the best seat you could get for exactly the same twenty buck ticket as the chumps who got the shittiest seats. Now you pay according to where you sit? We need another punk rock to kick pop culture in the teeth. Also playing is Mötley Crüe but fuck them. If I were a member of Mötley Crüe, I'd do a concert where I play covers of all the other hair metal bands of the eighties instead of our own garbage we wrote. And not the good shit from the era! No, I'm talking "Cherry Pie" and "More Than Words" and "Carrie" and "Love Bites."

I wanted to jog my memory of bands from the eighties so that my brain would go, "Holy shit, remember that song by them!", so I asked Lord Google to tell me who were the worst hair bands of the eighties. Lord Google decided that the top article would be by probable literal idiot (so I probably shouldn't be making fun of him, right? he can't help it if he doesn't understand anything) Corey Deiterman of the Village Voice. His article listed "The 10 Worst Metal Bands of the 80s." I'll let him slide on calling the bands in his list "metal" because in the eighties, we thought an awful lot of music was hardcore. If you look back now, you'd realize that Prog Rock groups had more edge than most "heavy metal" bands of the time. But that's because prog rock groups were actually interested in music and most "heavy metal" bands (now more properly referred to as "hair bands") were just into getting laid. Anyway, this Corey guy's list merely reveals that Corey most likely didn't live through the eighties and is more than likely just naming ten bands that had one song which he remembered hearing and thought was stupid. And I'm not just saying this because I disagree with his list. I think he got a few right. But he put Def Leppard on the list, for God's sake. And while I hate just about everything from Def Leppard after their drummer lost his arm, they are in no way one of the ten worst hair bands of the eighties. If Def Leppard made a worst bands of the eighties list, there should be at least fifty to sixty more bands on it. And then it would basically just list the eighties as an awful time for rock and roll. Also nobody could sincerely argue with that list. He also has Tesla at #10 which makes me think he never actually listened to a Tesla album and only knows them for whatever song that was that they had a video for. I can't even fucking remember and I really liked Tesla! I saw them with Mötley Crüe back in 1989. That was another concert I went to where I didn't give a fuck about Mötley Crüe!

The bands on his list I agree with are Winger and Warrant and maybe WASP. Poison and Twisted Sister are on the list but they had strong presence and were pretty fucking entertaining. I never gave Stryper a chance so I have no idea how they compare to other bands of the time. Corey puts them on the list because they dressed in black and yellow. I suppose after that spectacular bit of hard hitting journalism, I should realize that Corey doesn't even fucking care about the real merits of his list. This is just another one of those lists by people who have decided they're writers and are writing the easiest fucking thing they can on the internet: a list that doesn't matter just so they can make jokes that aren't funny (like calling Stryper "bumblebees"). This is also the kind of list that's sure to get people talking although this was from two years ago and only has two comments on it. One from a WASP fan who has no room to speak because he's a WASP fan, and the other from somebody who was so boring I don't even remember what they said at this point. But now I'm talking about it! And if I'm talking about something, it must suck!

One last thing about that and I'll get to The Flash: Corey has Anthrax on the list. ANTHRAX!? The only part of the list he got right was putting Anthrax on a list of metal bands. But worst? Please. He's basing the entire "worst" part on the fact they released a jokey punk rap song.

One last, last thing about the list: the guy puts a band I don't remember on the list at #2 for being "too proficient." I rest my case!

Somebody put a stop to Brett Booth. There is no reason for this kind of stupid panel layout. Two people are just speaking! It adds nothing! Also, you are not Kenneth Rocafort! Knock it off, Brett!

Even though Director Singh and Captain Frye don't want Barry around to investigate the scene of his dad's prison escape, they somehow don't mention it to any of the guards at any of the entrances to any of the secure locations from the front gate of the prison to the entry into the cell block. Instead Captain Frye is on the scene to stop Barry at the cell door which he does a horrible job of anyway. This allows Barry to run around the cell at superspeed on his too long legs which are now also too thick (see picture below) and investigate anyway.

It's taken me far too long to come to this conclusion but I think Brett Booth is DC's current Rob Liefeld. He even has the horrible grimaces down pat (not shown here!).

Iris meets Barry in the prison because they have a revolving door policy for anybody with a badge that doesn't look like it was made in Microsoft Paint. She gets to inform Barry that the comic book is now even closer to just reworking the scripts from the television show because she's now on The Flash Beat at her paper. She informs him that DC Comics has really been sucking at handling super heroes lately.

Haven't you heard, Barry? Super heroes are evil rotten jerks and nobody likes them! Ptui!

Boo fucking hoo, Barry. Nobody likes you. Although that's no surprise when you're drawn by Brett Booth. I can barely stand to look at you and your freakishly long (and now thick!) legs.

I don't even know why I'm reading most of DC's super hero comic books anymore! What happened to super heroes being beacons of hope and shining examples of triumph over the worst of humanity's evils?! Why the fuck do I care about a world that hates heroes who are trying to help keep the world safe?! Here's an idea! How about writers forget about how the lazy writers turn heroes into magnets for trouble because they don't know how to write a villain with any motivation except to get revenge against the hero? Just shove those garbage fucking stories out of your mind and stop trying to write the reaction of that world where heroes are the cause of all the trouble? Knock it the fuck off and write some super heroes I can rally behind and cheer for! Enough with the heroes trying to do good and then pouting their fucking faces off because nobody fucking appreciates them anymore. When I want to read about an emo super hero, I'll ask Robert Smith to write a comic book.

One...two...three...four...okay! I'm calm again!

So Iris tells Barry that she had to lie to Wally about where she was because he's so freaked out about his Uncle Daniel being incarcerated in Iron Heights. Now wait a second. Who the fuck are Wally's parents?! Iris is his aunt, right? So that means Iris and Daniel have another sibling? I thought they were the only two kids? Although that's only based on the flashback stories where Daniel was trying to go back in time to kill his dad. It's not like I've done any genealogical research on the West family.

Anyway, Iris mentions lying to Wally so she can say this, "That's how it goes with family...sometimes you have to compromise your morals to protect the ones you love." Oh fuck you. I suppose that was said to set up this theme of Barry's father compromising his morals to break out of prison to protect his son. But all she fucking did was tell Wally she was going out for pancakes or something instead of going to the prison for a news story. Holy shit! Somebody call the Pope! I've never seen morals compromised so fucking hard! I'd probably kill myself if I ever did something this horribly against my own set of ethics.

Meanwhile, more lazy writing and stupid story ideas (sorry Rob and Van! But I can't compromise my morals by holding my tongue when y'all obviously don't give a shit about your jobs) take place at the distribution center for Medi-Barn Supplies, Inc. That's where Barry's dad and his cellmates are currently stealing a bunch of shit to help stop Professor Zoom. But Professor Zoom is onto them! And he knows just how to stop them: pull the fire alarm!

This must be the stupidest security guard in Central City. Did the think he was going to stop a fire with his gun?

My school must have been doing fire drills wrong because I was never taught to run into a building when the fire alarm goes off. Maybe that's part of gun safety because I've never had gun safety either. Or perhaps it's all explained away by the incompetent security guard who is obviously incompetent because he stutters and he's fat and he's a security guard. Don't you dare say I'm being offensive and insensitive simply because I'm pointing out what the comic book creators are doing through their pictures and words!

Professor Zoom rushes in, puts a gun in Henry's hand, and forces Father Allen to pull the trigger before zipping out of the room. Forgive me if I'm wrong but at that speed, I'd think Henry's trigger finger would probably be crushed. It should at least be sore! Which would be a clue as to what happened! And remember from last issue how exciting clues are?! I'm already beginning to chub up!

Professor Zoom says a lot of shit in the nanosecond he forces Henry to murder the security guard. One of those things is that Henry used to work with Eobard Thawne. That's probably important to the story somehow.

I'm not even halfway through this issue and my brain hurts. The real problem for my brain is how I'm going to read the The Flash Annual immediately after this! Ha ha! Take that, stupid brain! That'll punish you for making me pop inappropriate boners throughout middle school!

Girder heads to his grandma's house after the disastrous robbery. But The Flash also thinks of Girder's grandmother so they have to destroy Girder's Nan's house in a big tussle. The tussle reveals that The Flash sucks at using his super powers because Girder smashes him through a wall. You'd think that with super speed, you'd be able to get out of the way of any attack that was coming at you at normal speed. Except I keep forgetting about that turning the Speed Force off and on thing so I guess it makes sense or whatever.

So if you're not going to believe a convict, don't ask him any fucking questions. Asshole.

The Flash doesn't get anything out of Girder so he goes to the prison guard who was in on the escape (which is probably where he should have gone first if he wasn't going to believe a convict). The guard helped them escape because Henry Allen promised to find a cure for the guard's wife's cancer. The Flash remembers how Iris told him about people compromising their morals to protect family and he lets the guard off the hook. But the guard has to help him find Henry Allen! He won't abide the guard not doing that!

On his way home, The Flash encounters Professor Zoom. But this time Eobard allows Barry to see and speak with him.

Oh, Barry Allen is angry? I never noticed that! Has that been a part of his character? Have I not been paying attention?! I thought he was the kind, boring guy who constantly had to talk Hal Jordan out of a fistfight!

The issue ends with The Flash finding himself in front of his childhood home where his mother was killed. Then it doesn't say that it's continued in the annual so I guess the annual will just be an addendum to this story in much the same way the Deathstroke annual was a crusty footnote to that story. But I guess I might as well read it now and get it out of the way!

The Flash #42 Rating: -2 Ranking. My biggest problem with this comic book is actually my own distorted suspension of disbelief. I'm all in on believing in super heroes! Sure, I'll point out egregious math errors and stupid science but I'm on board with super powers. So when The Flash can't defeat all crime all over the planet in just a few hours which he should totally be able to do (although the caloric intake he'd need to accomplish this might cause a larger world hunger problem), I get annoyed. The Flash has the one super power which should enable him to never lose any battle ever. I guess that's why he keeps fighting people faster than him now. And he has to deal with time travel. And he often battles psychic gorillas because "nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" Ha ha! I'm sure that dumb bullshit will be used many more times in comics with speed-based heroes. This issue mainly gets the -2 Ranking for that stupid security guard who thought he could put out a fire with a gun and yelling at it not to move. What an idiot! Oh, and also because of the art. Pee-yuke!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2

This cover is unrealistic. Harley's left hand should be cupping Power Girl's right boob.

When we last saw Power Girl and Harley Quinn, they were stranded on the planet Let's Fuck, Baby. They needed to find some perv named Lord Vartox so they could borrow his teleportation ring and get back to Earth. But there's an invading force of puritanical acne-faces who want to stop all of the guy boners and lady boners (I can't wait to find out what a lady boner is!) in the universe. Plus a lot of "-olees" were added to the ends of words.

After some bawdy humor, this "-olee" happens.

The Mechadentist is actually Killy-McHappybot 2.0. It's not as cute as Carl the End-of-Life Bear. Carl gives out drugs and brownies that probably have drugs in them and banana pudding that kills you. Killy-McHappybot 2.0 sews orifices shut. I know which robot I'd rather meet! Although I have a friend who hates bananas so much, she might actually choose to encounter the orifice sewing robot. At least then Carl couldn't shove any banana pudding into her.

While Power Girl battles lots and lots and lots and lots of Puritans on Speeder Bikes, Harley Quinn searches for a weapon to defeat Killy-McHappybot 2.0 before it sews her Holee holee up.

Harley forgot to add "-olee" to something!

Harley makes a hard light sledgehammer of the usual proportions so she can battle Killy-McHappybot 2.0 amid broken sex statues of asses, nipples, and hands with fingers in Standard Fingering Position #1.

Harley takes her hammer and refashions Killy-McHappybot 2.0 to look like her beaver.

On the surface of the planet, Power Girl has been knocked unconscious. But she's rescued by Fuck Me, Baby's protectors, the XXX-Men (who are mostly women although we all understand how "men" can often be used in a way which does not denote gender, right?).

The Triple-X Men are actually the XGF which is probably Ex-Girlfriend Force or just Ex-Girlfriends if you want it to be non-super-heroic sounding. That's probably why they're mostly female. Cherub must be from Lord Vartox's college years.

This is a glimpse into Midnighter's future if he keeps tagging everybody he bangs with communicators.

Harley rejoins the group and they all rush off to the moon of Lustox to rescue Vartox who has become a mindless sex slave of Oreth Odeon!

Harley Quinn Loves Power Girl #2 Rating: No change. This comic book is exactly what you would expect it to be so it really doesn't need to be reviewed by anybody. Everybody will know whether they're going to like it or not as soon as they see it on the shelves. It's silly and bawdy and Harley is Harley and Power Girl could probably loosen up just a tad although I understand that she needs to be the adult in this relationship so I forgive her. I hope next issue somebody fucks somebody else! I'm all worked up from all the bawdiness! I think. When you're stomach growls, it means you're horny, right?

Aquaman #42

Who is this guy and why is he wearing Arthur's Boner Belt?

Last issue, Aquaman didn't speak with any fish. That's the best part about Aquaman! If he isn't speaking with fish or telepathically convincing them to sacrifice their lives to solve his problems, then he isn't Aquaman! He's just some guy with blonde hair like the stranger on the cover! He could be anybody! Cullen Bunn could have used this story for any DC hero he was allowed to write. Lone hero battles back dark forces from another world while on the run from the government of his home nation. He'd better speak with some frickin' sea life this issue or I'm going to question Cullen Bunn's knowledge of Aquaman!

This issue is called "The Other Atlantis" because the DC Youniverse needs another place for Arthur to be responsible for. He can't even take care of the regular Atlantis without everybody constantly second guessing his decisions and questioning his loyalty. Maybe this other Atlantis will be full of Atlanteans who will respect Arthur and his amazing ability to convince Killer Whales to beach themselves for the greater good.

The issue begins with Aquaman having a stupid memory just like how John Stewart begins his issues with stupid memories and how Sinestro begins his issues with stupid memories. I smell a pattern! Aquaman's stupid memory is about how some weird kid who wasn't even Arthur's friend or else he probably would have said "I had a friend back in high school" instead of "there was a kid in high school". This fucking nerd was always slobbering all over Arthur trying to get him to play Magic the Gathering but Arthur was all, "Dude. Stop wasting your fucking time with that pussy drying bullshit. Get a fucking life, nerd. You're a nerd, nerd. Fucking nerd." But now that Aquaman is battling summoned armies from another dimension, he's thinking maybe Magic the Gathering would have given him a "little useful knowledge" in his current situation. Well, I guess! For one, if you saw five of the same type of monster attacking you, you could call the judge over to declare a rules violation. Or if you'd played, perhaps you'd now be a better fighter due to the experience of wonder the game filled you with right up until your first asshole friend brought around a Scrye magazine which showed the values of all the cards and it destroyed any sense of innocent fun in the game and caused all the players in your group to begin hoarding their valuable cards and stop playing for ante. Playing Magic the Gathering would have taught you that people are generally greedy assholes who will cheat if they can manage it although, technically (a word they'll use a lot because lots of gamers who think they're really good at a game are really just pushy assholes), they're just playing quickly and they didn't force you to miss a point where you could have played a card, you stupid slow minded moron. Perhaps Aquaman would have learned though that perhaps one out of fifteen strangers you meet playing Magic the Gathering in public locations is actually a really terrific person who enjoys playing the game as much as you do and will patiently wait for every move and consideration because the fun of the game isn't in winning due to mistakes but winning because you played the best or put together a fantastically crazy deck using a theme nobody had ever thought of before and wasn't copied from other people like 99 out of 100 decks you wind up playing against. Fuck. No wonder I stopped playing Magic the Gathering.

What I'm trying to say is that Magic the Gathering would not have helped Aquaman at all and an intelligent person like Aquaman would never have even considered a card game could have helped him in actual battle. So this is just an excuse for Cullen Bunn to mention Magic the Gathering and how he was always too busy to waste his time playing it. Well la dee da! Should I just refer to him as His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire from now on? So busy with important things! No trivialities for him!

Don't try to tell me that I'm confusing the character with the writer! I already pointed out how the character should never have had this thought in the first place! Fuck you! His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire is awful!

Goddammit. I'm only two pages into this thing and my heart is racing and I'm sweating profusely and there are four new holes in my wall and did anybody know knuckles bleed this much?!

Arthur is in another dimension rescuing more people to take back to his Jungle Sex Shanty Hideaway. A wizard is helping him so that's why this is so much like Magic the Gathering! Plus alternate dimensions which is part of it or something. The Dark was my favorite Magic set. The game never really felt the same after that set because Fallen Empires could have been released as a hastily scrawled note from Richard Garfield saying, "Ha ha! I got you addicted now here's a bunch of bullshit crap laced with my semen, you junkie!"

Arthur has a flashback to where he left Mera in charge of Atlantis while he went to investigate the other dimensional toe dipping itself into his waters. Mera is all, "Remember how the Atlanteans hate me?! They'll never want me in charge!" And Aquaman is all, "I'll take care of it! Obey Mera, okay? Done!"

No seriously. I'm not exaggerating. That's what happened. Look for yourself!

Most of these Atlanteans still don't even trust Aquaman! This is going to be a disaster!

You know what? Now that I've showered and calmed down, I want to apologize to His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire for believing he never played Magic. He looks like the kind of guy who not only played a lot of Magic but is also the kind of guy who would casually cast "Winter Blast" as an instant as if he didn't know any better or who would cheat in a Sealed Deck League and claim he opened a pack of The Dark that had only U1s in it except also a Maze of Ith, of course.

Sorry for the Magic the Gathering speak.

Arthur assures Mera that she'll be fine even though she should know she'll be fine. She's worrying an awful lot for the strong badass fuckmonster she is (I'm assuming she's a fuckmonster because I'd definitely be cowering under my covers if she came out of my closet to bang me. I mean, I want it but I know I can't handle it). Arthur leaves Mera in charge and rushes off to become Atlantis's Most Wanted for some reason.

Maybe the reason is that he's not really him! These are two different guys, right?

Last commentary I made a joke that the Atlanteans were trying to capture or kill Aquaman because he wasn't saving Atlantis quickly enough. It turns out that's actually the case. He isn't destroying the world that is leaking into our world because innocent people are currently being held captive in that world. So he needs to save all of the innocent people before destroying the world. Not one other Atlantean has any empathy and could never understand why Aquaman is delaying destroying the world, I guess. Or maybe only Mera lacks empathy (which she doesn't but, you know, let's go with what we have to work with) and she's commanded the Atlanteans to kill Arthur for not hurrying and they must listen to her because Arthur told them to. Although I still think Mera wants to kill Arthur because he put his dick in Ya'wara's secret panther.

Seriously though, DC. Nobody cares that Aquaman's new costume is just a huge boner?

Back to the flashbacks, we learn that the first huge incursion under the water that threatened Atlantis was a ruin that housed the Warlock of Atlantis, Extriax, and a bunch of others seeking asylum from Thule. They are Atlanteans that cannot breathe underwater because they're from an older line or something. I guess they left Atlantis for Other Atlantis in another dimension before the main Atlantis sank. Unless the main Atlantis is the other Atlantis. That seems more in keeping with the kind of twist that His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire enjoys.

Anyway, Arthur learns that he can't just destroy this other world like he really wants to. He has to save all of the innocent people because he's "also the guy who stands up for those who can't protect themselves." Oh, is he? Is he that now?

His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire really fucking loved his "dipping the toe" analogy so he uses it again this issue. No wonder my comic book smells like semen!

As Arthur battles the remnants of ancient Atlantis invading Earth up in Alaska, he looks different yet again! He's three people! He also has many more powers. Last issue he froze a bunch of creatures in ice. This time he makes large stone pillars rise up out of the ground. But he still hasn't commanded a seahorse to let him put a saddle on it.

While Aquaman is saving Alaska, he's confronted by an underwater version of the Suicide Squad (led by Aqualad, I think? Did Garth already appear in The New 52? Sometime with Tula?) sent by Mera to kill her cheating fucking bastard fiance. At least King Shark is among them! Although I doubt he'll be an entertaining King Shark because this story is serious and dark and there is no time for silliness or games of Magic the Gathering here.

Aquaman just met Garth for the first time and Garth accuses Aquaman of betraying Atlantis. So what other conclusion about Garth could Arthur come to except for "The kid's smart...and he's got a good heart." Arthur might have brain damage. Or maybe it's just my intense cynicism that thinks Arthur should have come to the exact opposite conclusion!

Anyway, Aquaman has one final thought as a huge ancient Atlantean golem rises up out of the ground and the issue ends.

I'm paying attention! And none of it makes sense! So His Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire probably doesn't really want anybody paying that much attention.

Aquaman #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. The only explanation for Mera turning Atlantis against Arthur is that he had sex with Ya'wara. But if that's the case (as the Aquaman Futures End issue from last September would suggest), then Arthur knows full well what Mera is thinking even though he states in this issue that he doesn't know what Mera is thinking. He knows she's pissed. If that's not the case, then this story doesn't even make the most feeble of sense. If Mera and the other Atlanteans are upset that Arthur wants to delay the destruction of Thule to save innocent Atlanteans still on that world, then it makes no sense for them to spend all of their time and manpower trying to stop Aquaman from saving Atlanteans. Even if Mera captures or kills Aquaman, how does that stop Thule from destroying Atlantis? They should be letting him do his own thing while they find a way to destroy Thule themselves. If the Atlanteans are upset that Aquaman is saving other Atlanteans, then fuck them all because they're entitled bigots. I suppose Mera could have been infected with the poison from Thule and brainwashed but that's far less interesting than her being upset at Aquaman's infidelity. But in either case, whatever motivates Mera, why are the Atlanteans just rolling over and following all of her insane orders? They already didn't trust her in the first place and are only following her orders on the word of the man who she's commanding they kill! Am I wrong or is this book stupid?

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Deathstroke Annual #1

Dammit, Diana! Deathstroke isn't pointing that way!

Remember when Kyle Higgins was writing Deathstroke fairly competently with at least some kind of story arc and a decent amount of motivation? It may not have been the best comic book DC was publishing at the beginning of The New 52 but it certainly wasn't bad enough to be handed off to Rob Liefeld and skullfucked for seven months. I know comic books don't have skulls but we, as human beings with skulls, can imagine how awful that must be and that amount of awful is what Liefeld ass-sprayed all over Deathstroke. Then Justin Jordan failed at making Deathstroke interesting. Deathstroke had an appearance in the Green Team which was possibly his best appearance since Higgins (possibly inclusive of Higgins as well but I don't want to shit all over Higgins decent enough attempt to write a villain as the main character of a monthly series). Deathstroke shined in that appearance most likely because that's where he should be relegated. I'm not sure he should have his own monthly title. At least not until somebody can figure out a plausible framework for how he continues to exist as a hitman in a world full of superpowered beings. If Wonder Woman read Deathstroke's Justice League file, why is she now working with him to save the world? Shouldn't he be locked up immediately? Or let's assume she needs his help (hardy har har)! At the end of this Annual, he needs to be in Belle Reve (and not as a member of the Suicide Squad! Blech!).

Even though Deathstroke #8 came out last week, this issue begins with a lot of Narration Boxing to make sure any readers who don't follow the monthly series know what's going on. Although do people still pick up annuals to test the waters on a monthly issue? My guess would be they don't since DC's annuals constantly just act as another issue in the series. It's confusing and stupid. At least label this comic book "Annual #1 aka Deathstroke 8.5".

This issue is called "Fifty Shades of Slade" because barf.

Iapetus (you know what? I refuse to be a party to ignorance by continuing to call the Titan "Lapetus"!) has reformed and he's ready to destroy everything! The world! The Universe! The Omniverse! All of the Panverses! Everything! So Wonder Woman has decided to team up with Deathstroke to stop him. Once again I feel the need to question Wonder Woman's thought process here. Why team up with a murdering psychopath when you can call the Justice League! If it's a psychopath you need on your team, Batman is always available!

Last issue, Wonder Woman insisted that it was too late to stop Iapetus from forming so she busied herself with kicking Deathstroke's ass. That was the slightest reason given as to why Wonder Woman was acting so out of character. But Iapetus destroys that notion immediately.

Whoops! I guess Diana could have stopped him before he reformed! But Deathstroke had to be lectured so I guess Diana's hands were tied.

Iapetus doesn't want to get his ass kicked immediately because this annual cost $4.99, so he uses his super magic better-than-god powers to send Diana and Slade to a fiery pit of fire and monsters and pits. He also takes away Wonder Woman's flight. The reader learns this when, immediately realizing they're in some kind of hell, Slade says to Diana, "Why don't you do that flying trick of yours?" You mean the flying trick where she flies? That trick? It's a good thing he asks her though or else readers would be thinking, as they read this, "Why doesn't Diana do that flying trick of hers?"

And just in case the reader missed that part about flying, it's brought up again on the next page immediately after it was brought up on the previous page.

Did Diana think Slade was going to say, "Some 'god' you turned out to bitch"?

I'm truly glad Tony S. Daniel got a chance to write Wonder Woman and correct the belief that she's a compassionate person with endless amounts of patience. This is the real Wonder Woman! She's a woman who threatens physical violence if anybody says anything that she disagrees with! Especially if what was said disrespects her.

Slade and Diana have the kind of comic book repartee that is often used to fill dozens and dozens of pages but isn't clever or interesting at all. It's just verbal sparring for the alpha position in their little duo. And as they bicker, dozens of monsters close in on them and wait for the bickering to end before they attack.

During the obligatory page full of gore, Deathstroke thinks, "Damn. She's as beautiful as she is deadly." Oh! What a sweetie! I bet Wonder Woman would be glad he noticed. He really should have said it out loud because I'm sure she'd love to hear how pretty she is! Can I get a variant edition of this comic book where we get to see Diana's thoughts? I bet she's thinking, "Damn! I wonder if his cock is as big as his sword?" Probably!

Oh wait! Deathstroke also thinks this bit that I must repeat for those of you who didn't waste $4.99 on this comic book: "This place may not look like reality but it sure as hell feels real." What a turn of phrase! It's like silky dark chocolate melting over my cerebral cortex. Literally. Because I think that would be really painful and unpleasant.

The demons all run away because an even bigger demon arrives on the scene. It's a good thing it arrived because otherwise Slade and Diana were going to die. I'm glad another monster saved their lives because the main character and the God of War were incapable of saving themselves. It really adds depth to their characters knowing they're fallible and incompetent to boot!

What does that mean?! Is Diana making a joke? Perhaps they've having two different conversations because the monster's roar is drowning out their voices?

I could kind of understand it if Slade had said, "What the hell is it?" Then Diana's statement sort of works as a kind of joke? Maybe? Anyway, it's got an asshole for a face so it's probably a really unpleasant creature. I hope we get a double splash page of shit-vomit!

Beyond the arse-faced beast, they spy a convenient portal back to Paradise Island. I guess Iapetus's magic is the kind that only works if you allow the victims a chance of overcoming it. But since Diana can't easily fly up to it, she and Slade jump off of a cliff to certain death instead.

Oh wait. Whatever.

At first I thought Deathstroke mentioned Butch and Sundance because they were jumping off of a cliff. But Butch and Sundance were jumping into a river. So then I realized Deathstroke must be alluding to the end of the movie where they **SPOILER WARNING** run out into a hail of gunfire and certain death. But Butch and Sundance didn't get lucky and learn how to fly so they could have escaped.

Also, how old do you think a person has to be to recognize a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid reference? Slade is old as dirt so I get him referencing it even if he looks young now. But shouldn't Wonder Woman be all, "Who and what now?"

After learning to fly (and holding hands for some inexplicable reason), Slade and Diana are sucked into different portals for Chapters Two and Three of the Annual.

Slade winds up in Istanbul where Hessia is waiting for him. Sitting across from them are Rose and Joseph as children. Slade still calls Joey "Jericho" because he's a horrible dad who doesn't actually remember what he named his son. Some terrorists or something have also arrived which means something or other. I guess Slade's love for his children will be tested while he murders dozens of people. You know another way to test the love of a parent? Ask them if they know their children's names!

Diana winds up in a demolished London where sickly Superman points to other figments of Diana's imagination and says, "Look at how they suffer because of you!" Diana's all, "Oh no! Because of me?! Oh my!" And Superman is all, "I'mma gonna quote Oppenheimer here who was quoting, like, the Bhagavad Gita or something." And Wonder Woman is all, "I'll kill you for saying things!" And when she stabs Superman, he disappears in a fart and she realizes it was all a dream! Then she falls back through a portal or something. I guess she learned her lesson! I think it was to not stab Superman when he says things.

Meanwhile Slade is confronted by his children. Well, by Rose anyway. I'm sure Joseph really, really wants to tell him his real name but Slade never bothered to learn sign language so Slade is all, "Stop making shadow puppets and talk to me!"

Oh yeah! I forgot Jericho was only mute during that last Liefeld story with Stillborn. Or was it a Team 7 story?

Diana is confronted by Hippolyta but she's too smart to be fooled by this cliche plot point where dead relatives accuse their family members of being horrible failures. Slade isn't smart enough though and allows his figments of his imagination children to kick the shit out of him. But Diana pulls them away and tells Slade that the only way they can get through this is if they fight together! How sweet! I suppose this moment will help her forgive him of the 938 people he's murdered.

And then Tony S. Daniel writes a page that if I had been given a choice to either read this page or let Tony S. Daniel piss in my mouth, I would have taken the piss. But it's too late for that choice now! I already read it. Now you can read it too! Sharing this with everybody feels like that first time I sent somebody to look at, way back when the internet was still young and innocent.

Firstly, you made it personal by taking out a contract to murder Iapetus. Secondly, he didn't want the fight! You brought the fight to him because you took a contract to murder him. Thirdly, I'm pretty sure Iapetus has already met mortality since he's the freaking god of it!

You know, after rereading that page, I'm actually glad nobody allowed me to choose a mouth full of piss because the page wasn't so hard to stomach. It wasn't good! But it wasn't swallow somebody else's pee bad!

Diana and Slade kill the arse-faced beast and manage to make it through the portal to Paradise Island just before it closes. Oh, was it closing? I should have guessed that since it's more dramatic that way! Whew! That was exciting!

Back on Paradise Island, Deathstroke gets to say his catchphrase!

Ha ha! This was my favorite moment of the comic book! It wasn't a difficult choice to make since it was between this or nothing.

Deathstroke Annual #1 Rating: This comic book is slightly better than getting poo flung in your eye. I should apologize for calling this Annual "Issue #8.5". It definitely stood on its own and as a regular reader of Deathstroke (you sickos), you wouldn't have to pick this up. You also probably shouldn't pick this up. Don't even touch it. If your comic book store allows you to bring in lighter fluid and matches though, you might consider burning the place down just so nobody else reads it. I'm trying to tell you it's not good!

Deathstroke #8

Wonder Woman lounges around Paradise Island in her old costume just like I lounge around Paradise Apartment in my boxers!

Last issue while hunting the titan Iapetus Lapetus (get it?! Deathstroke is still hunting Titans!), Deathstroke was tricked into destroying a statue of Apollo which was a bad thing for some reason. I'm not even sure why he destroyed the statue when his contract wasn't to kill a statue. It wasn't even a statue of Iapetus Lapetus! I'd understand the mix-up if that had been the case. But now Wonder Woman has gotten all pissy about Deathstroke vandalizing Tartarus and she's decided to make a guest appearance so that Tony S. Daniel can draw some double splash pages full of cheesecake. He's going to make so much money on the original artwork!

I hate that when reading a Tony S. Daniel comic book, I know everything takes a back seat to how much money Tony can make on the original artwork of double splash pages. It's like 3-D movies in the eighties! They were written to the special effect instead of the special effect being a nice (if cheesy headache inducing) addition to a quality movie. The writers didn't care about plot and character so much as they cared about the next scene where they could shoot a harpoon at the camera or sling a spider into the audience. I wouldn't be surprised if Tony S. Daniel planned his books first by drawing two different splash pages and then writing the story to fit those scenes into it.

I haven't called myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader in quite some time, so let me do that again. I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. This is what I wrote at the end of my commentary on Deathstroke #7:

I wonder if David Finch is pissed that Tony S. Daniel is getting his pencils all over his girl? He’d better not double splash her next issue! Although what percentage chance could it be that the 2nd and 3rd page of next issue are not one big shot of Wonder Woman and Deathstroke charging each other? Zero percent? Or maybe zero? Possibly zero, right?

I present to you Pages Two and Three!

My favorite part of this double splash page is not Wonder Woman's huge boobs but how the two of them are attacking each other while having a conversation which really should take place before the violence. I wonder if Wonder Woman has ever considered being an American police officer?

Wonder Woman wastes precious moments sword fighting with Deathstroke and chastising him for smashing a statue deep in Tartarus instead of immediately dealing with the real problem which is the destructive force Deathstroke unleashed. I suppose it's easier to beat up the patsy who let the really dangerous criminal out of prison though. Also it's a lot of fun. How often do you get to beat the shit out of somebody while feeling completely righteous about it?! It must be so satisfying! Like Tweeting, "I'm usually against internet lynch mobs but fuck that lion killing dentist guy!"

Slade reminds me, via well placed and thoughtful Narration Boxes, that it wasn't his fault that he broke the statue. He was possessed by a magic sword! And since Wonder Woman just punched him across the island where he dropped the sword by his side, I'm going to assume that he's not going to pick it up again. Although he still has a contract to kill Iapetus Lapetus, so I guess he's going to be forced to work with the sword until the contract has been fulfilled. But how is Deathstork Deathstroke going to defeat Iapetus Lapetus with Wonder Woman refusing to stop kicking his ass?

Great. He gets the upper hand in the fight exactly one time in eight pages and he thinks Wonder Woman should give up. Plus he calls her "princess"! She's a queen, you pig!

Deathstroke continues to call Wonder Woman "sister" or "lady" or "princess." I guess "Wonder Woman" is a mouthful. Should that sentence have aroused me in the way that it did?

Deathstroke goes from "The blade spoke to me--caused me to act impulsively. Almost as if it had a mind of it's [sic] own and an agenda" to "Not gonna lie, it's pretty cool. I might take it home with me" faster than a Southern boy can spout a homespun comparative clause. I guess Deathstroke doesn't mind being manipulated as long as he has a fancy weapon created by the gods that can change into any tool he needs to complete a mission. Can it turn into a condom?

Once again, Wonder Woman tries to remind Deathstroke that the world is about to end due to the release of Iapetus Lapetus. I'm surprised she's so concerned with the Titan but isn't doing anything to try to stop him. Some fucking hero she turned out to be.

Here's a thought! Instead of having Deathstroke point out how not heroic Wonder Woman is acting, how about having Wonder Woman act heroically!

So Wonder Woman would rather give up trying to save the world in favor of punishing Deathstroke? I think Tony S. Daniel might be writing Wonder Woman worse than Meredith Finch!

Deathstroke finally realizes that Wonder Woman is not going to stop attacking him so it's up to him to save the world from the Titan. He offers the sword to Wonder Woman so that she can use it to kill the Titan. All he wants to know is where to find Hephaestus so that he can kill him instead. Except he just gave up his god killing sword so that probably won't happen. Wonder Woman decides to insult Deathstroke some more instead of saving the world. She's losing precious time here! It's as if the only thing she cares about is making sure Deathstroke feels awful for destroying the world. She's almost ecstatic that the world is ending and she gets to heap all the blame on Deathstroke!

This can't be Wonder Woman. What kind of editor would allow Tony S. Daniel to write a character this poorly? Oh, look at that. Eddie Berganza! Carry on.

I'd say that DC screwed over any Wonder Woman fans by putting her image on the front cover but any Wonder Woman fan who buys a comic featuring Wonder Woman that's written by Tony S. Daniel deserves the poorly thought out, ill-defined Wonder Woman they wind up with.

Slade was killed in the first issue by some idiot moron named Possum and here he thinks the God of War can't kill him? It's because she's a woman, isn't it?

Hessia arrives to try to stop Wonder Woman from killing her old fuck buddy Deathstork Deathstroke. Wonder Woman judges her good friend on her friend's past choices and then knocks out Slade so she can tie him up and look at his silky smooth testicles.

Wonder Woman interrogates Slade with the Lasso of Truth and discovers that he was used by some higher power. Who the fuck cares?! Shouldn't somebody--anyfuckingbody--be trying to stop Iapetus! I mean Lapetus! Also, DC Comics, can you get a fact checker next time some asshole writer comes up with the name of a Titan that doesn't exist? Maybe do a Google search for "Greek Titans" when your "Lapetus" Google search doesn't come up with any results about Greek titans or gods or salads or anything Greek at all.

Deathstroke reminds Hessia and Diana that he can't swim or something so since he can't leave Paradise Island, he might as well battle Lapetus. Diana is all, "Yeah, that makes sense!"

Really? Diana will kill because of that kind of disrespect? Remember when she just used to threaten castration? Orion does!

While Diana and Slade were busy fighting, Lapetus found all of his body parts and has reformed. I don't want to second guess Wonder Woman but I have a feeling she could have found maybe one of his body parts before he did and kept him from reforming? No? Not a possibility? I know Slade had to be chided and derided and chastised and blamed and threatened. That was really super important too. But, I mean, she couldn't even bother to grab one of his toes or something on the way to beat the shit out of Slade?

The story continues in the annual which came out two minutes ago by my Pacific Standard reckoning, so maybe I'll walk over to the comic shop and pick it up to read next. I can't wait to find out what happens!

Deathstroke #8 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate to do it because that means Twat Lobo is no longer the worst comic book DC publishes every month but this book is utter shite. But go ahead and keep buying it because the art is good, jerks! Keep comic books horrible by thinking the art is the best part of the medium! The only time the art is fantastic and better than the writing is when the writing is actually better than the art. That should make sense to smart people.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Prez #2

Taco Soldiers are the best soldiers.

This issue begins with Corndog Girl Beth Ross still not president of the United States. She'd better hurry up and win the election because this series only has ten issues left after this! It really can't spend more than two issues getting her elected! Since she isn't in the White House yet, she still has to attend classes at Paris Hilton Community College. That's hot.

While learning about why Rome fell because it probably fits in to the story thematically, her asshole classmates take pictures of her because she's Youtube Famous. Also she's a candidate for the presidency but I have a feeling that's less important.

She's the most adorable character since Maps who was the most adorable character since 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 who was the most adorable character since Vampire Tig (who I still haven't forgotten! I love you Vampire Tig! Please suck me!).

Beth is wearing a Trans-Vaginal Mesh shirt which I'm sure is a band. It's also something that I dare not ask Lord Google about! I probably know enough about it from the constant commercials about how trans-vaginal meshes have destroyed billions of lives and somebody needs to be sued over them.

Beth's father has the dreaded Cat Flu which is worse than Cat Scratch Fever which is actually a real thing and not just a Ted Nugent song. My cousin Jason had it once and he thought he had cancer because it creates a hard lump in your lymph nodes under your chin or on your neck or something. He was really scared until he found out it was Cat Scratch Fever. Everybody was relieved that they didn't have to be sad and could make fun of him instead.

I wish Carl would become the main character in Action Comics.

Carl the End-of-Life Bear appears for a total of six panels and he's way more interesting than Superman has been for two and a half years! I think I might want to fuck him.

Beth's father begins to hallucinate but it sounds a lot like wisdom and encouragement so Carl the End-of-Life Bear holds off on mauling him to death. Dad is all, "Beth! Your brain is brainy! Go get it!" Then Carl the End-of-Life Bear gives Beth's dad some Banana Pudding and Beth's dad dies. I think maybe Beth has a lawsuit against the hospital! Although I think if you eat anything from somebody with the title "End-of-Life," it's your own fault. No lawyer in the world can defend that kind of stupidity. Although I would probably smoke some of Carl's Mary Juana. I bet Carl would be the best friend ever. I'd totally suck his dick.

Why don't animal peeners have hair on them? That's probably proof of Intelligent Design. God was all, "I can't hide those hot little pink lipsticks with hair! Will Pablo Picasso cover his masterpiece, the Mona Lisa, in feces?! No way!" Then God remembered Picasso will be hanging around that Gertrude person a lot and decide that the Mona Lisa probably needed a better model and decided that other guy would paint it. Whatever his name was. Probably one of the Ninja Turtles, right?

Man, if you believe in God, I probably think you're dumb. Now hold on! I know that sounds arrogant! But just wait until you stop believing in God! You'll realize how stupid you were to believe in God and you'll think, "Oh yeah! Hey! Tess was right!"

You know the best way to get somebody to believe in God? Destroy their life when they don't believe in God! You know the best way to get somebody to stop believing in God? Destroy their life when they do believe in God!

Meanwhile in the House of Representatives, the vote for president continues to fail to pick a winner. But Corndog Girl is gaining ground because all the representatives have begun to vote for Corndog Girl so they can negotiate with the other candidates for their votes. But they hold out too long and Corndog Girl winds up president of the United States. Tacos for everyone!

Carl! Make that seven panels he appears in!

A guy named Preston Rickard picks up Beth before she can be mobbed by reporters at the grave of her dad. He's going to be Beth's Yoda because he's been through this before. I mean almost been through this before! Sometimes fans of certain comic books have to forget that they know things because of those comic books. They have to shut their stupid holes and just take it. Prez offers to be Beth's vice president because everybody apparently hates Preston Rickard more than Corndog Girl. Although they don't really hate Corndog Girl! They just hate the idea of her being president. I don't know why! If she were giving a State of the Union speech, I'd finally sit through one!

Also, I bet Preston "Prez" Rickards is working for Boss Smiley! Somebody has to be!

Prez #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Guess how many Narration Boxes this comic book has? Zero! Now guess how good it is? The opposite of zero! I think that math proves that using Narration Boxes is lazy and never, ever needed to write a good comic book. The art is super duper cute. And the story is actually story-like! If you are not reading this comic book, I weep for humanity.

Cyborg #1

My interest would be better piqued if the cover read "Man Inside of Another Man!"

I've never been that interested in Cyborg. Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans taught me that he was a life support system for a White Noise Blaster. The Teen Titans cartoon taught me that he was 50% man, 50% garbage disposal. And now that my mom told me on the phone last night, "When I die, you're going to inherit a lot of money," I'm not interested in Cyborg at all! Life just became a waiting game! I wonder if I can get my mom excited about engaging in risky behaviors like base jumping and Russian Roulette?!

Um, just kidding, mom! I love you very much and would hate to see any harm come to you or my new inheritance!

Did that seem sincere?

Last night when I spoke with my mother, she mentioned that she finally got around to seeing Mad Men. She watched all seven seasons in about a two week period because her binge game is on point for an old woman! As we began discussing it, she said, "Let me get my notes!" Notes! I've never been more proud of my mom! She loved it but she had some minor nitpicks about her memories of the era. Most of them came down to what I believe was her experience living on the West Coast as opposed to the East Coast. We've always been more laid back out West so there was less hitting of other people's children and less unconscionable littering and way less Jews (when I talk about the "West Coast," realize I never include Southern California. That's a completely different country altogether!). We had less Jewish people in my Senior class than African-Americans. And we had less white people than Vietnamese. We may have had more Nguyens than all the other minorities combined. I don't know how many Mexicans were in my class because I don't see race.

One of my best friends in Junior High was Khoa Nguyen. He wrote in my 9th Grade yearbook: "Remember to keep on tasting the Jefference with Jif!" I used my real name there because "Tesserence" doesn't make any sense. Not that what Khoa wrote made much sense. I think maybe he was hitting on me?

Cyborg begins with some Technosapiens in a distant galaxy confronting some guy named Tekbreaker. Unless "Tekbreaker" is his race or religion and the Technosapien is being horribly racist. Or just sort of racist, I guess. Horribly racist would be if "Tekbreaker" were a slur and he also threatened Tekbreaker's life while saying it. Oh yeah! He also threatened Tekbreaker with death so I guess I can ratchet the racism up to horrible!

But that's only a two page introduction to get everybody wet and hard. After that, the action moves to Earth. Although it concentrates on scientists so "action" might be too kinetic a word.

You're a super smart science guy and you don't know?! They want transparency, douchebag! They want accountability! They want to stop dying from attacks revolving around the STAR Labs building! Dick.

Oh! I just realized that with this issue, I am caught up to the comics that came out last Wednesday! Woo hoo! Where's my sake?!

Hmm. Now I'm too drunk to get caught up! Stupid sake.

Psyche! I'm not drunk! Or I'm drunk! Not! Do people still say "psyche" and "not"? And by "people," I mean persons who you would actually spend time with as opposed to spend time running away from while screaming. Burn! High-five!

Victor Stone has stopped by STAR Labs to visit his father Silas. I think he just wants to show off his new "non-dad" created look and say, "I don't owe you anything anymore, DAD!" Then he'll run off down the hall crying and flailing his super arms.

Is this symbolism? Vic's dad being reflected in his crotch? Also note how generous his body was while rebuilding his machinehood.

Victor replays the Cyborg Sneak Peek for his dad and acts a little too lighthearted about his death for Sarah, his future romantic entanglement (also past but that universe doesn't really exist anymore, does it?!). She storms off feeling self-righteous while the men study the data of Cyborg's resurrection. Or maybe Sarah just didn't want to do any extra work. I probably would have stormed off too as I counted my future inheritance chickens.

I wonder if my mom's inheritance comment is just a ploy to ensure that I don't yell at her anymore? I hope it doesn't mean that I have to go to Golden Corral with her! Ugh! I hope I never feel that obligated to anybody!

Meanwhile in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens capture one of Tekbreaker's buddies who has been installed with some of Cyborg's hardware which they stole in the Sneak Peek. The Technosapiens are all, "Mmm! Yummy! Need!" At least the ones that aren't speaking in untranslatable Old Portugese [sic].

Back at STAR Labs, Victor gets frustrated at his father and yells at him. When he does, his arms become crazy weapons that hopefully aren't just fancier White Noise Cannons. It seems even Victor's flesh is now some sort of organic metal that can change shapes and is impervious to blood draws. So if his skin can look like metal or skin, can he look fully human if he concentrates? Although the only reason to look fully human is to do it with Sarah and he'll probably lose concentration and turn into a death trap once she touches his wiener. But I think he had the same thought and he's willing to put Sarah at risk!

I should remember what happened in Atlantis but I don't. Did Mera make a move on him?

Cyborg is waylaid by an old football rival and he loses all interest in possible sex to tell old football stories about his glory days which were about two years ago. That's so sad, Vic!

Back in that other galaxy, the Technosapiens are all, "Where do we find more of this awesome tech?! The cover says 'Cyborg' so maybe we should find this 'Cyborg'!" So they'll be invading Earth soon to destroy Cyborg so--and I realize it isn't Victor's fault that he was turned into the machine-man he was turned into--all the death and destruction that happens is Vic's fault! Jerko!

Cyborg #1 Rating: It's decent and well-written enough to overcome my disinterest in Cyborg, so I guess I'll give it a few more issues to see how things progress. Ha ha! Just kidding! I'll read it until it's cancelled because that's kind of what I do! I just hope it remains entertaining and I never have to feel bad for some name I wind up calling David F. Walker for making me read awful, boring things. If you don't respect your own career as a writer, David, try to respect my life as a reader! I want to keep reading good stuff and not bad stuff. So do your best for me and not for yourself or your loved ones. Stop being so selfish. Also can we get a Shaft/Cyborg crossover? Please?

P.S. Is it racist when I typo Cyborg as "Cybrog"?

Monday, July 27, 2015

Martian Manhunter #2

In this issue, J'onn battles some villain in a Superman t-shirt.

Rob Williams probably pitched this book by saying, "You may not have noticed but J'onn's hero name is Martian Manhunter. What if he was created to be...wait for it...a hunter of men!" Then he probably nodded smugly as he stroked his chin and imagined the room was full of audible gasps as opposed to bored yawns. Somebody waved him away and said, "Yeah, yeah. Great. Whatever. Just make sure he beats up Superman or something." He went out into the hall where the janitor he imagined was waiting around expectantly to hear the news but was really just mopping and said, "Nailed...wait for! High-five, my man!" The janitor high-fived him because he couldn't leave such an awkward, pathetic man hanging even if it meant a small loss of his own dignity.

I have now painted a picture of Rob Williams that is no doubt highly inaccurate. I should apologize to those who love him. And maybe Rob as well.

I said I should! I didn't say I would!

The Earth has recently erupted in wars across its entire surface. Martian Manhunter has decided it's time to show the world that his name isn't representative of who he is. He may be a martian but he's actually a manhelper!

Thanks for the layman's terms so I didn't have to look up "annihilate" in the dictionary I was going to have to rush out and purchase.

I like how casual Helen Demoff is. "Oh, we're just mucking about with this thing here that disintegrates anything we put in it. It's actually supposed to transport people across the galaxy but since we don't actually have anywhere to send anybody, we're just enjoying sticking stray cats inside of it." Martian Manhunter is less joyous about the toy. He says, "It's a weapon." And Helen begins to sweat and is all, "Um,, no! We, uh, don't make weapons here! It's for travel! And party games!" But Martian Manhunter doesn't believe her! He's all, "This is too dangerous for the world! Can you imagine how dangerous it would be if you were to lure everybody in the world here to this room and somehow trick them into climbing inside of it, like maybe putting up a sign that reads 'Free sex!' or something?!" Helen changes the subject back to that thing J'onn said earlier about wanting her to kill him because she doesn't want J'onn breaking her Localized Wormhole Creator which vibrates oh so right when it's turned on.

Superman arrives to not really but sort of kind of accuse J'onn of being responsible for the terrorist attacks. He must think that because he knows J'onn is a telepath and he asks him how he knew about the attacks before they happened! But then J'onn, having never realized that Perry Mason isn't actually true and nobody ever fucking gets convicted if they just keep their damn mouth shut and keep from confessing, confesses. He's all, "You got me! I helped plan the attacks!" That must be why they wind up fighting!

See, the reason J'onn wants to be killed is he knows he's dangerous and being manipulated by evil beings. Now that's class, J'onn! Those are some seriously well developed ethics! You know who else should be asking to be put down?

That's right! Spaceman! I mean, Superman!

This issue is called "Weapon!" with an exclamation point so I'm super fucking excited already! Although poor Eber Ferreira was credited as Eder Ferreira here. Sad trombone!

While Superman and Martian Manhunter are preparing to find out who is more powerful (Spoiler Alert: Superman has heat vision! Oh wait! Better Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter has Super Tele-hypnosis or something. Afterthought Spoiler Alert: Martian Manhunter's name is on the cover so, you know, do the cover math), Mister Biscuits has a train to catch! Or eat. I think he might be having trouble with his verbs. The children who feed him Oreos are helping him even though some of them are doing it reluctantly. But Alicia is their leader so they have to do whatever Alicia says. She has pigtails!

Meanwhile Pearl is being chased down in Dubai. I don't know who Pearl is. I think she was in a scene in the first issue where she was trying to steal from a prince but instead saw the prince get eaten by a Martian. But since I didn't mention it in my commentary on Issue #1, I can't be sure of that. My memory is not to be trusted. What I think she saw was a Martian eating a person of power so that they could take that person's place! You know, the way David Icke's lizard people do it. That might also be why Mister Biscuits wants to eat the train. He thinks he needs to eat things to use them properly.

The aliens catch Pearl and tell her that they're going to melt her down into the others, so that totally explains that.

Meanwhile, Superman tries to keep J'onn from killing himself because Superman would never kill himself even though he's just as dangerous as J'onn when controlled by people with evil intent.

Oh Clark! Just hop in the Wormhole Extractor with J'onn! It'll be for the greater good!

Flash, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg arrive to help Superman stop J'onn from killing himself. Also I think they want to find out what the fuck is happening with all of these wars. Maybe after J'onn debriefs them, they'll let him take a Wormhole to Nowheresville.

In Dubai, Pearl is learning she's a superhero with some kind of telepathic connection to Martian Manhunter. I just had to type that because I learned my lesson about not even mentioning Pearl in my last commentary! You're welcome, future Tess!

Superman wakes up and sees the other Justice League members standing around slack jawed. He realizes J'onn implanted the battle in their heads so he could sneak away and kill himself.

Luckily Flash is too slow or else Flash would die along with J'onn on the next page.

94% of Martian Manhunter is vaporized and/or sent off to another part of the universe by the Wormhole Generator/Annihilator. Back on the train tracks, Mister Biscuits feels J'onn's death. He grabs up Alicia and runs off to save the world from the Martians. After they eat some cookies, of course. There's always time for cookies.

Worst police ever!

Martian Manhunter #2 Rating: +6 Ranking. This comic book series is far better than I gave it credit for after Issue #1 where I just didn't have any real feel for it at all. Well, it's definitely much better than the six comic books currently ranked above it (and possibly more but six seems like a good enough lift right now). Mister Biscuits is my favorite. I once worked with a guy named Tim Cruikshank who the Non-Certified Spouse called Mister Biscuit. So I feel like I already know Mister Biscuits!