Justice League Dark #36

Ugh. Who invited Felix to the party?

After falling victim to The House of Wonders (that's what it's called when The House of Mystery fucks the House of Secrets), Justice League Dark fell into some kind of vortex where they were transported to fantasy worlds. Or non-fantasy worlds. Or future versions of the worlds? I don't know for sure because I've only read Zatanna's story so far and she was transported into a magic world where her every thought became reality. I guess she landed on Fantasy Island. This issue, we'll find out where Ada, Andrew, Alec, and Frank went!

I guess it's a good thing none of these four need to breathe. Except maybe Alec but I think he can provide his own atmosphere.

Alec's main issue is that he's been cut off from The Green. That seems to be more important than breathing because he begins to wither. But Nightmare Nurse helps him with a spell (what problem can't be solved with a spell?), and everybody seems fine. Although for some reason Andrew Bennett begins worrying about the air and the cold. You know, two things that vampires don't give a shit about normally. He's such a wannabe human.

It turns out all that's left of Earth is a hunk of rock. But it seems to have normal Earth gravity because nobody is floating off into space.

Why do you have to blame people? It's been billions of years! It's the end of time! So many other things could have happened to the planet! Like the mice could have taken over and built nuclear cheese bombs and blown it up into millions of hunks of dead rock! Or, um, you know, the sun could have consumed it in its death bloat. But probably the mice.

After Bennett flies off to find an In-N-Out Burger, the rest of Justice League Dark are attacked by Felix Faust Cooties with disgustingly graphic sphincters.

How is this comic book not rated mature?!

Felix Faust appears to the Justice League Dark as the gross caterpillar thing on the cover. He pulls Swamp Thing inside himself to digest him and Nightmare Nurse dives in to save him. Faust believes he has the upper hand but he's forgotten the number one rule of large creatures fighting smaller creatures: never ingest them without chewing first. The whole thing where somebody explodes out of the stomach of somebody else hasn't happened for quite some time in The New 52, so it's almost as if it hadn't already been overdone just a few scant months after The New 52 began! And I guess from Felix Faust's perspective billions of years in the future, it's almost as if it were never done at all. So I don't blame him for forgetting that you never allow the enemy to get inside of you in one piece.

Anyway, Felix Faust learns the lesson the hard way, spilling Swamp Thing, Ada, and his guts all over the barren landscape.

Once Faust is down, Justice League Dark faces another problem!

Wait. Why is the lack of oxygen a problem for a demon, a vampire, and an undead freak? Just get in close to Alec! Doesn't his skin produce oxygen?

The real problem is that Faust was maintaining some kind of mystic shield to keep out the Langoliers. Nightmare Nurse heals him and he restores the protection. I guess they're at a standoff now, so they're going to have to work together. To do what? I don't know. Invent games to play to keep from going insane from boredom?

Faust bitches about how the worst thing of all is the loneliness. I beg to differ. How long would company have kept him sane? Remember how Dr. Suess said, "Hell is the others"? Having companions would have just been another kind of unbearable existence. The real problem is not having any stimulation. No music! No movies! No chocolate bars or doughnuts!

Meanwhile in the time that has lots of time left, Zatanna is also fighting the battle against loneliness. This issue has the same message as 9/10s of all Twilight Zone episodes: loneliness is the worst! I think Rod Serling was a very needy person. Zatanna begins working on a way to locate her friends so that she can regain her sanity by constantly bickering with them.

Yeah, dumb dumb! Where are you going to go? Bennett already discovered there were no In-N-Out Burgers here.

Nightmare Nurse suggests that they ride out the end of the universe in a protective spell and wait for a new universe to begin. That pisses off Felix Faust's father, Felix Faust, and an even bigger, more disgusting gut-caterpillar attacks. That makes sense because even in a pseudo-imaginary story like this one, Felix Faust can't have any kindness within him! It makes sense that the kindness came from one of his clones of himself.

Son of Felix Faust battles his father to give the others time to escape to the edge of the world and fling themselves out into the void! That sounds like a shitty escape plan. But I guess people dying at the end of time can't be choosers!

Justice League Dark sail away on a ship made of spells. And that's as much of their story as we'll get for now. Next month, Black Orchid, Deadman, and Madame Xanadu (yay! I'll get to repeat my Haiku!) face their ordeal at the middle of time! That's the present, in case you were confused.

Justice League Dark #36 Rating: For a long time, I wasn't enjoying this comic book. But these last two issues have been enjoyable. So that's a good thing! And with this commentary, we reach the end of No Ratings November! The new rankings have been put up on the sidebar and, hopefully, I didn't miss any comics. Rank changes continue with the next commentary on Futures End #31!

Pandora #9

According to Bioshock Infinite, being born again makes you a big fucking dickhole racist dirtbag piece of shit.

In the last episode of Forever Evil: The Blighted Years, Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft teamed up with Trigon's sons, Belial, Orcus, and Demogorgon. They are now on their way to destroy the Thaumaton which they probably won't do any time soon because the big evil person the Thaumaton was created to destroy won't be revealed until Forever Evil #7. I imagine. So we should just sit back and watch DC's magic users tread water for a few more weeks.

Also John Constantine was currently on his way to Hell while Nick Necro lay bleeding out on the floor beside the pit to Hell. And Swamp Thing was flipping the fuck out because "flipping the fuck out" and "Whoops!" are like my catch phrases and shit! I probably have more but who can remember them? It's actually easier to spit out new phrases than to remember phrases that I should constantly use. I was going to keep bringing back Batgirl's advice when she asked herself "Am I being a jerk right now?" but I never did that! Another stupid quote I wanted to keep coming back to was when Deathstroke said, "I don't know why but I feel a 'Your mom' joke coming on." I mean, that's A++ Gold Material, right?! I think that idiot Liefeld wrote that one but I wouldn't bet my masturbation time on it.

I don't think there's going to be much to talk about this issue. It's just going to be a decently written, issue long mystic battle in Nanda Parbat. Maybe that's a good thing! I should just embrace not needing to comment on every little thing in the comic book and just throw out some bullet points! It's not like this issue is going to advance the Forever Evil: Blight story line by anything but the most minutest of measurements! So let's hit the main points.

Constantine is saved by Zauriel before this Rhymer Demon can finish his quatrain with the word "fuck."

Black Orchid makes me think disgusting thoughts and ponder if IKEA sells Thaumatons for home use.

If that hairy demon in the above panel were wearing roller skates, I'd swear on my life I once saw him back in the 80s on James Gabbert's KOFY-TV 20 Dance Party.

The Swamp Thing becomes the gigantic mystery creature that Nick Necro saw attacking the Thaumaton in his earlier visions. I think. It might not matter because Faust blasts the Swamp Thing into mulch with his magnificent machine powered by 500 young boys and/or magic users. Faust also casts his final spell which gives him the power and knowledge of all the magic users in the DC Universe. Why would he save that as his last spell? That seems like a pretty useful bit of magic! I bet it's a last ditch spell because it ends with his head exploding.

Once again, Faust tries to convince the Mini-Justice League Dark that the Thaumaton was built to save the world and by trying to destroy it, they are allowing humankind to fall to whatever has followed the Crime Syndicate to New Earth. But fuck Faust! He's a hideous looking ghoul which means he must be lying! Only good looking people can be trusted to save the world!

Faust says some interesting stuff that I might want to remember some day, so I'll just leave it here.

So what is Pandora? If she's not human, is she fictional? If she's not from this universe, is she from the Preboot Universe? She was there at Flashpoint and witnessed the merging and changing of the Preboot worlds. Faust doesn't actually give anybody any new information here. This is really just a general reminder that Pandora is more than one of the Trinity of Sin; she's more than just a woman that brought The Seven Deadly Sins into the world. She's a key figure in the creation of The New 52 and I think her real part to play has barely been hinted at.

Faust begins to magically rebuild the Thaumaton while simultaneously re-enslaving all of his former captives. But Constantine whacks him on the back of the head with what I can only assume he calls a tally whacker, knocking Faust the fuck out.

See the title? Just like I said! An issue long battle! I think that's just enough experience points to raise my Comic Book Reader Level! You're now looking at a Master Comic Book Reader of the East Wind!

Pandora #9 Rating: No change. Next issue is the conclusion to Forever Evil: Blight! Also next week, the conclusion to Rogues Rebellion and Arkham War! The end of Forever Evil is in sight! Huzzah! For your information, I only say "Huzzah" ironically!

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Constantine #7

He can have my soul! Along with my unicorn and my Tooth Fairy and my virginity and my sense of childlike wonder!

How many people picked up this issue and couldn't remember what had happened in Issue #6? Well, probably nobody that reads this handy reference blog where they can just click on the Constantine link in the sidebar to get a list of commentaries on all the issues and have a quick read about Issue #6! Of course, you'd have to wade through all of my bullshit about Godzilla battling Superman. But it's still easier than digging through your comic book boxes to give #6 a quick flip thru.

Also, you could just wait until this paragraph where I say, "Last issue, Constantine almost died but he didn't because he was saved by his new best friend: Mister Voodoo! I mean Papa Midnite! I don't know which name is more offensive! Probably because I have no idea what is offensive and what isn't offensive and I often just try to pretend to understand.

Oh yeah. The Cult of the Cold Flame also ransacked his New York Apartment. And judging from this panel, turned his landlady into some kind of vengeful guardian demon spirit that pushes hard candies and 7-Up onto her guests.

Meanwhile Mister E is using Constantine's magic items to discover the location of all the other mages in the world so he can, as the cover says, steal their souls. He also talks like Foghorn Leghorn so forgive me if I don't find him threatening in the least.

I'm not sure if this panel is supposed to make me believe Mister E is less like Foghorn Leghorn than I originally thought because it's actually strengthening my opinion.

If Mister E is Foghorn Leghorn, who is John Constantine? The Chicken Hawk or the Barnyard Dog? I suppose he plays both roles depending on the situation. Sometimes he's the victim and sometimes he's the other thing. Whatever you're called when you're not the victim. The Man?

While Mister E steals the power from The Witch of Deepwater, John Constantine heads up to make sure Dotty his landlady is okay. She hasn't been turned into a demon or anything. She's just had a minor Fake Visit From Your Dead Husband Cantrip placed on her, so she's all happy and sad at the same time. John decides he needs to remove the spell so she's just sad. But at least she won't be under the influence of a spell anymore! That was a close call.

Also meanwhile elsewhere as well, Tannarak the leader of the Cold Flame performs a ritual that will...well, I don't know what it will do. Probably make him really powerful while leaving all of the Cold Flame officers and recruits powerless and betrayed.

Here's how the ritual is done just in case you wanted to become all-powerful. First, litter your yard with shit acquired at garage sales. Then hold your replica Stormbringer sword into the air and yell, "These are magic symbols. Abraca dabra hocus pocus abraca dabra hocus dabra. Newport news Walla Walla Washington. By the power of this magic junk, I have the power!" Congratulations! You now rule the world!

Sargon travels to New York to mock Constantine while she waits for Mister E to return with a couple sackful of mage's powers which she'll absorb to become powerful enough to kill Zatanna. Hopefully she doesn't gloat to John that she's about to do that because I'm nearly positive he'll jam a lit cigarette in her eye if she does. She's also absorbing one-third of the power from Tannarak's ritual. So I guess Tannarak didn't betray his buddies. Looks like The Cold Flame actually cares about three of its hundreds of members. That's refreshing!

If he actually winds up shoving that thing in Sargon's eye, I'm changing my title to Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

Sargon continues to mock John because that's the only reason she came by to visit. She tells him Mister E will be around to kill him so why the fuck is she here? Oh yeah. To see the look on his face when she tells John that he lost and that everything he accomplished in the last five years all ended up serving the purpose of The Cold Flame. She also decides to get extra close to John so she can wrap her extra long finger around his neck because she used to dream of choking him. Is her secret identity Princess Unicorn Pants?

Sargon's father said her dream meant she would one day choose John's fate. And it seems he may have been right because Sargon winds up kissing John and then taking off with him. I guess she's in love! I have a feeling she just fell in love suddenly because it was John's last trick. Or John could actually be surprised by this weird turn of events. It's hard to tell when magic is involved. I am sad that I won't be referring to myself as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader though.

While John and Sargon are off fucking, Mister E gets Constantine's ex-wife to join the Cult of the Cold Flame. It's either that or Mister E kills her. I'm not sure what happens to their daughter. Does The Cult of the Cold Flame have a daycare?

This sex ends how most sex ends with a blind man smashing Constantine in the back of his head with a magic rod.

Constantine #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Hopefully Constantine can keep away from the non-magic superheroes for awhile, at least in his own comic book. I liked this much better than some of the earlier issues. It feels like Fawkes might have finally found his footing in the story and knows what he wants to do with Constantine and the Cult and the big three magic baddies in that cult. Plus Etrigan had a cameo! And this story didn't take place in Chicago!

Justice League Dark Annual #1

Guest starring: Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld & Frankenstein, Princess of Monsters.

This issue begins where Issue #13 left off: The House of Mystery has crash landed in the SaHarA DesErt, leaving its occupants stranded, helpless, and dead exhausted. The sun, hot and deeply enervating, shines hard against desperate enchanters. Some shade heroically helps all and daringly delays everyone's extinction.

Literally.

Somehow, a dreaded experiment named Frankenstein has ended up at the site of the House of Mystery's wreck. He really should be tending to his own title! This is why it was cancelled, Frank! You're spending too much time in other people's comic books.

Meanwhile, Nick Necro blabs his entire life's story to Zatanna. He found the map to the Books of Magic on the giant bones of Mordru (oh, poor, poor Mordru! But why are his bones so big?). He glimpses a vision of the Key to the Map. He also learns that nobody can utilize the Books of Magic unless Tim Hunter is dead. Nick Necro also takes credit for getting Steve Trevor to form Justice League Dark. He's starting to sound like one of those villains I can't stand! Not that I liked him much anyway. He's a total douchebag. Every time he speaks, my interest in this story wanes a little more.
But even John's group isn't very exciting. The House of Mystery repairs itself and there's really no reason for Frankenstein to appear. John does recruit him to their side so that he'll help in the final battle for the Books of Magic but he doesn't save them at all which means I used "literally" wrong earlier.

Madame Xanadu shows up with a useless Tim Hunter but Constantine believes a little gem he picked up somewhere will help reignite Tim's magic power.

Oh, don't fuck with her comic book too!

On the next page is an editor's note saying, "To see how Constantine found Amethyst's gemstone, check out Sword of Sorcery #0. Now on sale!" No. Don't bother checking out Sword of Sorcery #1 to see how he found it because you'll be sorely disappointed if that's the only reason you're picking it up. He finds it by merely passing by after Amethyst uses it to transport to Gemworld. I don't know why he's there. I don't actually know where the portal was located. But John just happened to be hiking nearby and found it. End of story.

Apparently Amethyst is some kind of magic catalyst. She touches Tim Hunter and he explodes. In a suddenly full of magic way! Constantine also doesn't feel like they have enough cameos in this Annual to get the random readers excited about the other books in The New 52, so he summons Andrew Bennett back to the House of Mystery. This takes place before Bennett turns evil at least.

Too bad Frankenstein's been cancelled. What a waste of a cameo!

Faust's army is defeated in a few pages and the good guys are ready to put their plan into action. They head off to face Nick Necro and get the Books of Magic. My guess is the plan will be the same plan as always: Black Orchid uses her powers of disguise. This time, she'll pretend to be Tim Hunter while Tim will probably be faked up to look like Constantine. Or someone else. Maybe he'll just be hiding within John's trench coat.

Nick Necro and Felix Faust uncover the Books of Magic just as Constantine's crew happens upon them. Nick knows he can't recover the books as long as Tim Hunter is alive.

Xanadu and Black Orchid are missing. So Xanadu is babysitting Tim while Orchid pretends to be him. Unless Orchid is disguised as Deadman and Deadman has been magically enchanted to look like Tim. That's what I'd do!

Nick Necro's final plan is to have John kill Timothy Hunter. If John does it, Nick will let Zatanna go. He'll also possess the books and have enough power to kill everyone anyway. So I don't see John actually going through with it. Besides, Timothy isn't really Timothy. Right?

John snaps his neck and Nick goes after the Books. But they blast him back because, well, you know.

I hope Lemire just uses this trick every single issue for 100 issues.

After subduing Nick Necro easily this time (even though nothing has changed and he still has the same powers he had when he defeated them before), Tim Hunter decides to open one of the Books of Magic. Turns out it's not a book at all. It's some kind of futuristic gizmo that's been waiting a long time for Hunter to return. It opens up a portal and zaps him away. Along with Zatanna since she dove and grabbed on to him before he disappeared. And then the issue ends with everybody looking on shocked and confused.

Justice League Dark Annual #1 Rating: Anti-climactic. It could be because Nick Necro really wasn't very interesting or it could be that the story just devolved into a bunch of magic guys fighting a bit and chasing a bit and talking alot, but I kind of lost interest in the whole thing about halfway through Issue #13. Maybe I just read too many comic books today. Or didn't have enough caffeine. I hope Nick Necro gets thrown in Magic Prison and is retired from future story lines.