Detective Comics #28

In Which The Moon Crashes Down Into Earth

This is the story of Gothtopia. It is a city that has forgotten how to appreciate a good joke. When somebody says, "What did the snail say while riding on the back of the turtle?", somebody would say, "That is offensive to snails" or "That joke is too aggressive" or "You are being ableist" or "You'd better check your turtle privilege." In this new Gotham, if you are not entirely serious about a serious subject, you are taken to task for it. In Gothtopia, intellect is measured by how harshly you can criticize somebody else and how often you can deconstruct the most innocuous texts and find offense in them. In this perfect city, young people know everything and old people have no idea of all the great social strides the young are making and have never thought or fought for or acted on any of them before ever. In Gothtopia, everyone claims to be harder on themselves than on other people. And maybe that is true. Perhaps it is all true. Maybe Gothtopia is a better place for all of those things. But Gothtopians still often miss the jokes even if they don't realize why they can't stop being offended and why they can't stop perceiving flaws in everybody else's words and actions and, of course, why does Gothtopia have the highest suicide rate on New Earth? Why, Batman, why? Why have you not stopped that from happening, Batman? And I am not letting you off the hook either, Catbirdlady! But I think I know how to help! I know!

You need to find the joke that will make the whole world laugh! But do not accidentally tell the joke that makes the whole world cry! Because then you will have to cry to get the whole world to laugh! Which doesn't seem right, really. Especially in Gothtopia. Please do not laugh at the misfortunes of others, no matter how many banana peels they have slipped upon. It is not funny. Although if Batman put the banana peels there and slipped on them himself so that people will laugh, I think then it is okay to laugh. But the joke would be ruined if he pointed out that he was putting the banana peels there for a specific purpose to slip upon and fall down and look hurt for comedy. Jokes are very hard to tell! Especially in Gothtopia. But if anybody can think of a joke that will get the whole world to laugh and then to cry and then to live, it will be The Batman! He is good at...no, wait. He is not good at jokes. But he is good at saving people and the people need a good joke so he will be good at jokes this time! Go Batman! Go! Think of the best joke that does not offend anybody but is still very, very funny! Save Gothtopia, Batman! Make it worse than it seems because the truth is better than the lie which shall be seen as the truth but is in fact a lie!

What I am trying to say is that Gothtopia seems happy but it is not really. And false happiness is worse than real suffering because it keeps people from being able to actually end the suffering to be truly happy. Also, let us get to some jokes already.

Ha ha! This is a pretty funny joke because in Gothtopia, Batman is the only sane person but he is in a straight jacket while in Gotham, Batman is a crazy person but he is free to run loose at night! Ha ha! But not many people will see this joke because he is in a padded room and not on television.

Batman is going to have a very tough time with this job because it was his friends that put him in the mental institution for wanting to tell jokes that are funny. They said, "You just want to be able to tell Polish Jokes without anybody getting angry!" And Batman said, "No! No! That is not it at all! I will not tell jokes about African-Americans in boats with priests or rabbis walking into bars with Mexicans! Do not think all jokes are bad jokes! Please do not throw out the satire with the bathwater!" But Batman's friends said, "Oh no! You are just trying to tell us your offensive jokes are actually smart jokes but we will not fall for it. We will criticize your attempts to criticize Gothtopia because you have said some very insensitive things and it is not right, no matter how you meant it or what your intent was!" And Batman said, "Okay! Okay! I do not want to fight with you because when I fight with people they invariably wind up with very high hospital bills. I will go to joke prison for now! Maybe there I can think up a good joke that will convince you that something is very wrong with Gothtopia!" And Batman's friends said, "Now you are thinking rationally, Batman. You must go get help now with your horrible sense of humor."

"That is indeed troubling. The patient should see what we want him to see."

Batman's doctors need to cure Batman before he can come up with a punchline to his joke. Also before he can come up with a joke that needs a punchline. It is taking Batman longer than expected because he can't stop thinking up Dead Baby jokes. "What is the difference between Gothtopia and a pile of dead babies?" thinks Batman before he can stop himself. "No! NO! I am not in third grade any longer! Why am I thinking of Dead Baby Jokes?" Batman struggles against his restraints and says out loud, "How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?" He snickers and giggles and tries to calm down. "Those are not funny jokes that people will laugh at!" he thinks. "Those are unfunny jokes that children tell each other because they are still processing the ideas of death and aging and the possible pitfalls of their upcoming puberty! They are not proper jokes for adults to tell other adults unless those adults are high as fuck!" The doctors watch Batman struggle as the Chief Neurosurgeon, Professor Pyg, says, "Oh! Oh! I know the answer to Batman's blender question! I know right down to the ounce!"

Dr. Jonathan Crane heads up the Wellness Facility for Fine Tuning Senses of Humor and he is a very busy man. So busy that he is not able to take off Batman's Cowl and discover that Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, funniest man in Gotham. I think he is the funniest man because he is Batman's alter ego and Batman is the unfunniest man in Gotham. If Crane had done his due diligence, he would have realized the danger that his Gothtopia was now in! He had let Bruce Wayne into his facility! Now Bruce Wayne was free to think up a joke from the inside! That is the most dangerous kind of joke there is! The kind of joke that pierces the heart of injustice and brings down regimes in a single punchline!

As Batman is left alone in his cell, he begins to piece together his joke. He thinks critically about the way it must be crafted. It must draw in the listener as if they were listening to a true thing. The seemingly true thing must be simple and it must also be a lie that everybody has accepted as truth. He must state it as a fact in a very casual manner. It must go something like this: "What is up with airline food?" And people will think, "Yes. What is up with that?" And then Batman will tell them the truth about airline food in a very funny way that makes them laugh and nod their heads and say, "Yes! Yes! That is exactly right!" But his joke must not be about airline food but about something more meaningful. And that is the hard part for The Batman. What is the most meaningful thing he can make his joke about to prove that the people of Gothtopia are not happy at all! They are actually scared and miserable!

Hurry, The Batman! Hurry!

Earlier that day, Catbird visited Batman after she had suffered a severe head injury. She must have since that is the only way to explain how she was glad to be rid of Batman over in Catbird #27 but now she is telling Batman that she misses being with him. Hopefully it will not take her too many issues of her own comic book to recover from her head injury and be written by Sholly Fisch. Get better soon, Catbird! Everybody misses you! We miss us.

Batman needs to come up with his punchline tonight because he learned that he will be having brain surgery in the morning. The regular treatment for altering a sense of humor (by keeping a person locked up with no actual treatment at all) has failed and Dr. Crane has decided surgical correction would have the greatest chance for a successful cure. Brain surgery will be hard to conduct through the Bat-cowl though! And Batman does not want anybody finding out that he is really Bruce Wayne, so he would like to avoid the brain surgery if he can, even if it is going to be given to him for free. If he is going to come up with a good punchline, he is going to need help. Too bad his funniest friend, The Joker, had to go and throw himself off of an underground waterfall. Although his punchlines usually wind up in pretty dark territory and Batman does not think he needs a dark joke this time. He needs a very funny joke! So funny that it will cause the citizens of Gothtopia to remember they should be sad and scared most of the time! Enough with the fake smiles and phoney camaraderie! It is sickening to the stomach in the way that too many cupcakes are sickening to the stomach!

I know it is hard to believe that you could have too many cupcakes but, believe me, it is a true thing. It is also a sad thing because I would like to eat more cupcakes.

Since The Batman's funniest friend is unavailable for comment, he must find his next funniest friend: Poison Ivy. She is naturally funny if you get that pun! She is so funny that she punches Batman for rescuing her! Ha ha! You are mistaken, Poison Ivy! That is not what Batman meant by punchline! Although it is a pun, so it is kind of funny! But it is also too aggressive and nobody likes humor that is aggressive. Batman needs a careful blend of gentle and in your face humor. The kind of humor that plants display when they give you a rash or make your head stuffed up. That is funny to plants!

That is right! Perfect! Gentle and in your face just like I said! Ha ha!

With Poison Ivy's help, Batman comes up with a very good joke which he will tell Gotham. Then Gotham will see that Gothtopia isn't a shining city on a hill for the rest of the world to emulate. It is full of its own problems and dysfunctions and intellectual dishonesty. Gothtopia may have solved some problems but at the expense of ignoring the problems its solutions have caused. Currently when yet another citizen destined for Arkham points out the problems with Gothtopia, the Gothtopians respond with prepackaged, broad arguments to shut them down rather than looking at the specific situation and the individuals involved. These people are shuttled off to Arkham where they must stay until they learn to play by Gothtopia's rules no matter how ridiculous or arbitrary. The Gothtopian Ideal may be a good ideal to grow towards but it cannot be forced by madmen and evil geniuses and Professor Pyg (I don't know if that monster fits into any prepackaged categories!).

But before Batman can escape Arkham, he must get Killer Croc to laugh! That will be a difficult job, Batman! It has never been done before! Batman says, "How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail?" Killer Croc says, "By killing Batman!" Batman says, "That is not the answer, Waylon. That is not even funny. That is aggressive and you should not be that way!" After Batman says that, he knocks out Killer Croc because, let's face it, Killer Croc is not going to laugh at anything. But that was not the last hurdle for Batman to hurdle if he is to escape Arkham! He must also make his friends laugh! And not just his normal friends that he makes laugh all the time, but creepy scarecrow versions of his friends!

Oh boy. That joke Bruce and Pamela came up with had better be a laugh riot.

Detective Comics #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Let's face it. I never claimed to be a master of subtlety!