Friday, March 31, 2017

Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

New Super-man #9

Bernard Chang: "I will too get DC to publish a cover with New Super-man jerking off while riding Superman's humongous penis."

Kenan has discovered that his super powers are tied to the I Ching. Thanks to Apple products, I constantly want to write that as the iChing. I'm surprised Apple hasn't marketed one yet.

Trigram 3: Flight. Trigram 4: Super-kicks. Trigram 5: X-ray Vision. Trigram 6: Super-Ventriloquism. Trigram 7: Dealing with Batman.

Lex Luthor has decided to visit the Justice League of China in their headquarters because he's up to no good. I bet he wants a sample of New Super-man's semen so he can create some Bi-zarros. Don't mistake them for Gay-zarros just because they're currently dating other Bi-Zarros. It's just that there aren't any Bi-zarro Lois Lanes yet.

The most important thing in the first two pages is not Lex Luthor's appearance or the revelation that New Super-man will ultimately only have eight super powers. The most important revelation is that Bat-man has a Rob-in sidekick. I think it's hyphenated as Rob-in because it is a robot. It could also be hyphenated as Ro-bin since it looks like it could be used as a trash receptacle.

Actually, Bat-man calls it Robinbot. That's stupid. It's Gene Luen Yang's first misstep on this comic book! I suppose the logic is that it begins with "ro" so why not end it with "bot"? You might think that if you were all logic circuits, thus missing your "No, that sounds stupid" circuit. A lot of people don't have either.

It's okay that Gene Luen Yang didn't spend enough time perfecting the Ro-bin name because he makes me forget it almost immediately with his wonderful dialogues and superb characterizations on the following pages. I mean, I haven't literally forgotten his misstep. I'm just pretending that I'm not letting it fester in that part of the brain that loves to eventually destroy everything good and holy.

Lex Luthor would like to bring Kenan to America as a consultant for LexCorps. But since he doesn't speak English at all and Lex is pretending to be terrible at Mandarin, Master I-Ching will be coming along to translate.

It may not be what he said to the letter but it contains the gist of what he said with some helpful life advice. All the best translators work this way.

Kenan doesn't want to go but the Max Lord of the Justice League of China makes him go. I forget her name. Miss Hannigan, maybe?

I can't wait until Master I-Ching and Alfred Pennyworth have a moment alone together.

Lex's plane looks remarkably like a stylized Lex-Soar 7 from the Super Powers action figure collection. Now I want to get it out and play with it. It's landing gear was a set of claws to capture Superman! Plus it had a huge hunk of kryptonite in the back. You know, just for looks. Or ballast. It wasn't ever used to hurt Superman. You should probably now forget what I said about the landing gear. Um, you know what? Imma call my lawyer.

As Lex shows off his battle suits, he reveals that he can speak Mandarin fluently. Yeah, whatever. Typical! I understand how that's the way to go with the whole Machiavellian language thing but I still like it better if Lex Luthor, even being the smartest man on Earth, couldn't get the hang of Mandarin. Master I-Ching has one of those "Oh fuck. Lex knows I've been mistranslating everything" moments and shits himself a little bit. But Kenan is all, "You're my hero! I mean, right after Superman, of course!" And Lex is all, "Speaking of Superman, what would you say if he wasn't your hero? Hanh? Hanh?"

Lex tries to shake Master I-Ching but Kenan is all, "No way, dude! You aren't tricking me with that whole 'let's get rid of the chaperone and slip into something more comfortable' routine! Unless that something more comfortable is one of those cool battle suits!" That's when Kenan discovers Trigram 3's super-power: The Super-Boner.

Lex reveals why he was interested in the Justice League of China. There's a Mandarin speaking speedster who's been loitering around LexCorps. At first he thought she was The Fl-ash. Fla-sh? Lex has some paranoid theories about why she's been trying to infiltrate his building. One of those theories is that she's trying to get a peek inside his Ox Horse Door Ring Portal. That is not a euphemism for his butthole. I know it sounded exactly like the kind of butthole euphemism I would come up with but I assure you that is straight out of Lex's filthy mouth.

Lex believes the doors open up on a dimension that will enable Kenan to learn his super-powers the easy way. Master I-Ching does the Chinese version of Batman's "-tt-" while Kenan continues to try to hide the evidence that he learned his Trigram 3 super-power. Master I-Ching's "-tt-" is completely ignored because Kenan hates doing things the hard way (that was a boner joke. Maybe).

Kenan decides to open the portal and boy is he glad he did!

I mean not glad!

That's just like Lex Luthor to keep a skeletal Superman inside a mystery portal to another dimension. What an ass.

Lex makes sure to shout "Oh, um, look at that! A physical manifestation of Superman's powers and not the animated corpse of a Superman victim I've been hiding in my portal! Gosh. Ha ha! Why would somebody think that?"

Now that the portal is open, Fla-sh decides to show up so she can punch Kenan in the face. Her superhero outfit is a pair of yellow gloves, yellow pants, and a red AC/DC shirt. You know, because it has the lightning bolt between the boobs. I mean between the AC and the DC.

Fla-sh informs Super-man that he just opened the Gates to Hell. She calls Hell "Diyu" for some reason that I can't be bothered to understand because I'm an American.

Appearing with Fla-sh are her super buddies: China White (leader and heroin lover), Snakepit (brawler and punching lover), and Dinner Party (food and etiquette lover). Oh wait. Dinner Party is actually named Strato the Cloud-man. I liked Dinner Party better. I'm sticking with Dinner Party. He'd be welcome at my dinner party any day with his lovely jacket and fancy gloves.

Dinner Party would have been a better name mostly because Superman crashes the party and somebody could have made a good joke about that. Anyway, leave it to Superman to butt in on a situation that isn't any of his business. I guess the cover of this issue was premature. Superman and Super-man will have to metaphorically fuck next issue.

The Ranking!
+1! Not that I can raise this comic book any higher since it's my favorite Rebirth comic book that doesn't star Lobo. And let's face it. The one starring Lobo doesn't really star Lobo enough to be as good as I pretend it is just because Lobo is in it. This is the DC comic book Marvel Zombies should be reading (if they could lower themselves to read a DC Comic Book, that is).

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Supergirl #7

I hate to complain about a comic book before I've even opened it but who am I kidding? Of course I love to!

You may have noticed the previous caption made no sense. Welcome to my blog, motherfucker!

You're just going to have to imagine what my initial complaint about the cover was because now I'm more interested in discussing the drop of wolf semen on Supergirl's face. Is that appropriate for a Teen comic book? Discuss! But not with me because I say, "Yes! Of course it is!" I'm pretty much up for anything. You hear that, Tom King's penis?

For some unknown reason, Dr. Shay Veritas, Omniologist, has become a main character in this comic book. Here is a list of reasons I hate Dr. Shay Veritas:

1. Her last name is Veritas. Please stop hitting me with the Not-So-Subtle Hammer.
2. She was created by Scott Lobdell who is terrible at everything.
3. She is an Omniologist which is a reminder that she was written by Scott Lobdell because he loves to stick the prefix "omni" on words to prove that he couldn't think of a better word.
4. She uses a cane. What a pretentious hipster.
5. She lives in the center of the Earth. Again, pretentious hipster.
6. She's a DJ. See annotations of point 4 and 5.

I hate to steal the homosexual slang terms because people might think I like to suck dick (don't read that sentence, Tom King's dick. You're different) but is this Supergirl throwing shade at Dr. V?

Dr. V does not stand for Doctor Vagina like you totally thought. It's Dr. Veritas, remember?!

Does anybody else have a problem with the DEO standing for Department of Extra-normal Operations? Wouldn't extra-normal mean even more normal than usual which would mean totally more boring and not more exciting like DC seems to think? If I described Thanksgiving as "extra-normal," people would think, "I guess nobody sucked any turkey dick this year." That's the exact opposite of what it would mean in DC's definition of "extra-normal."

I really seem to have dick sucking on my mind this commentary! Maybe it's because I'm just trying to raise awareness that there are dicks out there that need to be sucked. Go get 'em, dick suckers!

I guess Dr. Veritas doesn't live in her Time Cube in the center of the Earth anymore. She probably got priced out by Hipster Moloids trying to gentrify the DC underworld. Now the Omniologist works for the DEO in their monster containment lab. Need a monster contained? Dr. Veritas is your supremely intelligent person to do it! She might even be smarter than Lex Luthor. He's not a doctor of everything!

Boom! Truth bomb dropped by Dr. V! She really does know everything!

That's a pretty controversial statement, Dr. V. According to The Bible, God made two lights in the sky. Not one light and one thing that reflects the light of the first light. Blasphemer. Also, how does Dr. V explain Eclipso being just fine under the light of the moon, hunh?!

Dr. V's next question (after that panel) is "If moonlight affected Lar-on, why not the light reflected off our own planet?" Yeah! Why isn't by the light that hits him after it already hit him but after it hit Earth after hitting him?! Explain that, lycanthropes! My theory is that light picks up moondust when it bounces off the moon and it's that moondust that turns people into werewolves. Shouldn't the word be "wearwolves" since it's like they're wearing a wolf? But on the non-full moon days, they would be wherewolves because where are the wolves?!

I just wrote a better werewolf story than Twilight. Or whatever sequel of Twilight introduced the wolves. Breaking Moon?

Dr. V has some theory's about werewolves too!

The full moon just makes him angry! "Get out of here, bright light! It's night! It's supposed to be dark! Eeeeeew! I'm so mad! RAWR!"

To cure Lar-on of his Moon Anger (which is the preferred new terminology for his condition), Supergirl must venture into his mind! Why is this a technology that only exists in comic books and usually terrible movies? Why can't I enter the mind of somebody else already so that I can figure out their problems in a metaphorical world created by their personality and ideology? Probably...I started this sentence before wandering off to watch the new It trailer and now I can't remember what I was going to write. Also I need to change my underwear. Be right back!

Supergirl enters Lar-on's mind where he's currently processing Daddy Issues.

No one plans for Lar-on's mother's death? That seems...reasonable?

I've got it! The man in the moon looks like Lar-on's dad which is why he gets so angry he transforms into a wolf! Boom! I'm smarter than Dr. V!

Supergirl finds some other clues as well. She notices Red Kryptonite seems to be behind Lar-on becoming a werewolf. Oh yeah! That's so much the most obvious excuse that I totally forgot about it. Who uses Red Kryptonite in modern comic books? Basically it's only real use was to turn Superman into a stereotype! Or a cabbage. And nobody approves of either of those things anymore, except maybe the awful, terrible monsters who eat fish tacos.

You know what would help make things go as planned? By first making a plan, dum-dum!

After battling the werewolves of Lar-on's hopes and dreams, Supergirl follows mini-werewolf Lar-on into his father's Greenhouse Observatory. I know his greenhouse is red but you wouldn't know what I meant if I had called it a redhouse, would you? You would have been all, "Wait. His observatory is a barn?" Lar-on had dreams of exploring the moons of Krypton even though nobody on Krypton could leave Krypton because its gravity was so strong. Unless that isn't a thing in Rebirth? I don't remember. Maybe people have always been able to leave Krypton and I'm remembering one imaginary tale I read when I was twelve. Anyway, Lar-on's dad is all, "You suck, Lar-on. You're not smart enough to do anything. Although based on these super duper Daddy Issues I'm heaping on you, you'll someday be a DC Superhero! So take heart in that, you moronic twat."

Stop it, Supergirl! By curing his Daddy Issues, you're relegating him to an extra-normal life! OH! I finally get the DEO's name!

Lar-on's dream was to travel to Krypton's moons but his father was all, "That's a stupid dream." So I was as close I as I could come to the truth with the limited knowledge I had after reading three pages of this comic book! But then again, you could guess the answer to every mystery in a DC book was "Daddy Issues" and you'd be right one hundred and ten percent of the time.

I never said I was good at math. I think I even once said I was terrible at math! Also, I might have said I was actually good at math. Which is truth? Dr. V might know!

Supergirl flies Lar-on to the moons of Krypton in his mind. That should cure him of his Daddyissuesthropy! Now he can become Kara's faithful sidekick, Superwolfboy.

The issue ends with Superman paying a visit to Supergirl. Join us next time when Superman tells Supergirl how she's doing the job all wrong!

The Ranking!
+1! It earns that change in rank just for not being a Cyborg Superman story!

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #7

Oh, hello figment of Olive's imagination aka I was right from the beginning.

The Review!
Olive learns that her roommate isn't Amy the Roommate at all. She's a ghost named Amity Arkham, one of Olive's distant relatives. Or, according to Batman (and me, really!), Amity Arkham is just a delusion. It's weird that Olive's mental illness manifests in the exact same way her mother's did. Batman might be the World's Greatest Detective but he isn't really the most caring or sympathetic man when it comes to the mentally ill. Apparently the AA symbol all over the school stands for Amity Arkham instead of Wayne Manor (that makes sense if you saw the symbol. It also could be a W and an M! In fact, it looks a lot more like a W and an M).

Anyway, Pomeline discovers her ancestor was best friends with Amity who was Olive's great to the nth degree grandmother. It seems a bunch of people ruined Amity's life and Amity is still angry about it. So she began a career in possessing her descendants and giving them the power to burn Gotham to the ground. But that stupid Batman keeps stopping that from happening! And before Batman, I bet the Court of Owls stopped it from happening. Or maybe Jonah Hex. Or Booster Gold. Possibly even a Cobblepot or two.

I don't think anything else pertinent to future issues took place. Oh, the Scottish teacher has been secretly meeting with Batman to fuck in the barn and gossip about Olive. Also a few of the kids said "Oh my crap!" in that way they usually do. Plus Colton found a ton of treasure so he'll probably stop stealing everything now that he's rich. Oh, and most importantly of all, Pomeline did not get naked.

The Ranking!
No change!

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Lost Boys #6

Fuck The Lost Boys. I want a Young Guns comic!

The Review!
The vampires dies, the heroes go on with their lives, and there's the scene at the end that assures the readership that it isn't over yet. And also that Keifer Sutherland's character will continue to be the star baddie. The end!

The Ranking!
-3! I really thought I would be interested in this series. Not because it was The Lost Boys but because Tim Seeley was writing it. But I guess even Tim Seeley couldn't get me interested in this franchise. I only liked The Lost Boys for that short time that I thought the movie took place in Santa Clara, my home town. I wanted to live in the murder capital of the world too!

Super sonS #2

How come sidekicks aren't constantly getting hauled in by local police for crimes like loitering and being young in public?

This issue has a prologue just like the first issue. And just like the first issue, it's about that kid who's a big jerk and lives in a movie studio. This prologue reveals he can become three jerks at once. He does that so he can murder his mother, father, and brother all at the same time. Too bad he couldn't become four jerks because his little sister makes a run for it while he makes sure the readers know his superhero name is Kid Amazo. Not that he's actually a hero. Most of them don't murder their family. They wait for the family to be murdered and then they become a superhero. I think if you do it the other way around like Kid Amazo, you're most likely a super villain.

Speaking of getting hauled in by the local police for youthful indiscretions, Damian and Jon have just been caught trespassing on the side of LexCorp's building by Lex Luthor. Being that he's still confused by The New 52 and Rebirth and Infinite Crisis and Zero Hour and all the rest of DC's universes that have come crashing down into the brains of every DC character in an effort to satisfy every fan except the most obsessed and virginal, Lex Luthor doesn't recognize Superboy or Robin.

Damian drops Superboy off the side of the building so that he can escape. He winds up on the roof and breaks into LexCorps to explore an unmarked level in the schematics he memorized. On the ground, Superboy kicks Luthor in the face and gets away. The only reason Luthor is having trouble battling a child is because he's supposed to be a good guy now. Normally, he would just shoot the kid in the pancreas and rifle through the kid's velcro wallet.

No wait. He catches him. How could I have ever doubted the world's smartest man?

I bet the world's smartest woman is Doctor Veritas the Omniologist. I know I shouldn't acknowledge her existence since she was created by Scott Lobdell but I can't help it. I'm compelled to remember the stupidest things ever written in comic books.

It looks like it won't be long before Jon isn't allowed to play with Damian anymore.

Damian and Jon get away while Lex tries to disarm a bunch of fake bombs Damian set up as distractions. I guess Lex Luthor isn't the smartest guy on Earth! He's not even the smartest adult in the room. It takes some doing to not be the smartest person in the room when you're the only person in it. But I've been there. Sometimes I sit in my office after typing a comment about how I'm going to suck Tom King's dick to thank him for The Omega Men and then Mark Russell walks in on us and is hurt that I'm not sucking his dick for Prez and I think, "I'm not the smartest guy in this room, am I?" I should hang my college degree on the wall so I can at least feel smart due to paying loads of money to read books for four years without somebody yelling at me to get a job.

Damian's plan was to steal Lex's security footage so he could get a glimpse of the person who broke into LexCorps a few nights ago. It's Kid Amazo! That probably shouldn't have sounded like such an exciting revelation. What did you think all those prologues were doing at the beginning of these comics? Obviously it was going to tie in to Damian and Jon's story!

When is Damian going to invite Superboy to join the Teen Titans? Is he too young to get a handy from Starfire?

Using some of Superboy's skills and some of Damian's skills, they determine the kid who broke into LexCorps was fourteen year old Reggie Meyer from Providence. The kid still has his powers from The New 52 Amazo Virus. That's why he can split into multiple versions of himself. I guess that means it's time to track him down.

Clark and Lois totally know Jon is missing by now, right? They're farm parents! They have to look in on their kid sleeping four or five times a night to smile lovingly and sigh.

Oh come on! Starfire is at least 34! At least she's as horny as a 34 year old.

Robin and Superboy find Kid Amazo's dead family. Superboy thinks they should call their parents but Robin is all, "No way! Fuck him! Did you hear what I just said? I said fuck! Nobody can stop me from swearing!" But Superboy doesn't listen. He leaves the scene of the crime and runs into Kid Amazo's kid sister in the woods nearby. He promises to help her while Robin continues to look for clues. Meanwhile, Batman and Superman have stopped by to say "-TT-" and "Your mother is worried!", respectively. Did I use respectively correctly? It's not like anybody would have been confused about who said what anyway.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm really upset for Superboy that Robin didn't invite him to the Teen Titans simply because he's not a teen. There's no way Starfire is a teen. Unless the planet Tamaran has a much longer orbit than Earth. I suppose she could be fifteen by Tamaranean reckoning even if she's definitely no less then 34 in Earth years. I'm also surprised nobody has killed an animal yet. Maybe Patrick Gleason is the one who has a boner for murdering animals. Hopefully Batcow won't be forgotten. Maybe she'll eventually go to live on the Kent's farm! I know they were the Smiths. But I figure since the Blue and Red Electric Superman and Lois Lane have merged, and Mr. Mxyzptlk has fixed Superman's identity problem, they'll go back to being Kents.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Justice League of America #2

Vixen isn't struggling to get away from the chains so much as to get away from Lobo's boner.

Batman surrendered himself to Lord Havok at the end of last issue to save The Atom. I'm not sure what Batman's thought process was behind this decision. It's not like Lord Havok is going to go, "Oh! Cool! Hey, Extremists! Now that we have Batman, let's go back to our destroyed world. This totally worked out better than I expected!" I know what Batman's thought process definitely wasn't: "This will buy time until the real Justice League gets here!"

Am I the only one who wants to Photoshop Lord Havok's cock in Ryan's hands?

I had to put the comic book down to eat a bunch of pineapple chunks so to pass the time, I Googled pineapple on pizza memes. I don't care if people like pineapple on pizzas or if people don't like pineapple on pizzas. What I really hate is people acting righteously indignant while defending their personal preference. What is it about this battle that gets people so passionate? If somebody wants pineapple on their pizza, why should you give a fuck? Were you planning to try to mooch some slices, you dirtbag? I, for one, don't understand why anybody would put any kind of limit on what can go on a pizza. Stop trying to put limits on living, you fascists!

Okay! I'm done eating my pineapple and I'm hardly sticky at all!

Lord Havok agrees to let the Justice League of America live (not that Lobo was going to have any problem doing that no matter what happened) when Batman agrees to join The Extremists to help them save the world. But then an Extremist named Dr. Diehard flips the fuck out on Lord Havok. He's all, "Letting people live isn't extreme at all! This team sucks!" I bet Lord Havok teaches Dr. Diehard a little something about extreme measures (and also how apt Dr. Diehard's name is) on the next page! It would make sense to kill him since there are way too many characters to keep track of. Not that killing one will help clear up the panels much but at least it's a start. Also, Batman will have to rescind his offer to join when he realizes they kill.

I was wrong. This happened on the page after the next page. I wonder if anybody is going to make a joke about Dr. Diehard's name?

Based on the above panel, I think Lobo is ready to join The Extremists.

Are The Extremists supposed to be based on Marvel characters? Is Dr. Diehard Magneto? Is Lord Havok Dr. Doom? Is Gorgon Doctor Octopus?

After Diehard dies, The Extremists teleport to Kravikoras, the capital of Kravia. That's another one of those fake DC countries like Markovia and Qurac. It's where Lord Havok was born (but on his own Earth, of course -- Unneeded Clarification Tess!) and it's where Lord Havok intends to begin saving the world. I suppose saving the world means killing anybody who doesn't say, "Yes sir, Lord Havok, sir! Right away, sir!" Although he might as well just quit now that he let Batman know of his existence and then left Batman alive. That's always the big mistake the Villain of the Month makes. It's always "I would kill you but right now I need to wash my hair!" Just kill the hero, dum-dum! If villains would correct that one mistake and just kill the heroes when they have them up against the ropes in the first arc of every fucking story, the villains would be ruling the world right now! Never give the heroes a second act!

The women of the JLA stay behind in Saratoga to help clean up while the men go back to The Sanctuary to relax. I don't mean to suggest that The Ray is a woman because he's gay. I really just wanted to gloss over the fact that he stayed in Saratoga too so that I could advance my agenda to show that Steve Orlando is totally sexist. Maybe I can pretend Steve Orlando is suggesting that The Ray is a girl! Then I can advance my agenda to prove that Steve Orlando is homophobic too! There's nothing more satisfying than tearing down an ally with hot takes purposefully misconstruing a situation!

The Ray tracks The Extremists to Kravia so that they can continue their fight. At least this time, they won't be destroying an American city! Although, is it really okay for a team called Justice League of America to invade another country without proper visas and passports? They might be trying to save the world but is that enough reason to bypass bureaucracy?

That sounds like Guardian of the Universe talk!

That's Death Bat in the previous panel, by the way. Before the JLA can kick her ass, she's rescued by the Kravian military. Apparently they've arrived to shove that bureaucracy I mentioned down Batman's throat. The Extremists are now citizens of Kravia and under its protection. The JLA are kicked out of the country but at least they saved a bunch of refugees who refused to succumb to Lord Havok's rule. Now Lord Havok has his own country to rule where he sees himself as the only real hero of Earth. He's feeling more and more like Doctor Doom every page.

The neighboring country of Gardevia (See? It's like a garden! It's peaceful and powerless and weak!) don't want Batman's band of refugees. They've already heard about Lord Havok taking over the rule of Kravia and how he brought peace. It might be peace through authoritarian power and murder but it's still peace, right?! So they don't want any part of Batman's violent plans. But the Justice League of America just ignore the general and get busy making their own plans to help the people of Kravia win back their country.

Batman still doesn't call Superman.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is already the best comic book DC Comics sells. Although that's only because Real Deal Lobo is part of it. And he wasn't really in this issue too much. And the art wasn't too good either. I hate to point out that a comic book with Lobo in it isn't living up to Lobo's reputation so I won't say anything more.

Batman #19

Two-Face flipped his coin and discovered he had to use a water pistol from now on.

Batman has to keep Bane away from Arkham Asylum for five days while Alfred watches over Gotham Girl's treatments from Psycho Pirate. So why does Batman lead Bane straight to Arkham after their fight last issue? Probably because Batman guessed Bane would go there even if Batman didn't go there first. That Batman is a pretty smart cookie! And delicious, too!

For some reason, the inmates are wandering free in Arkham so Bane has to listen to each one rant as he stomps by. First up is Maxie Zeus who quotes Dante for some reason. Unless it's Milton. Or Shakespeare. What the fuck do I know? It could be Dr. Seuss for all my literature degree is worth!

Oh! I just figured out why he's quoting Through The Inferno and What Dante Saw There! It's because he's quoting that shit that's on the gates of Hell. I mean, I knew that's what he was quoting. What am I, not a literature major who took a few too many mushrooms during his college years? As if! I just realized I could answer the "for some reason" part. When I wrote that sentence, I was just breezing through the review so I could play some Overwatch. But then I stopped myself and I said, "Myself? Why are you even bothering writing about this comic book if you're not going to take the job seriously? People on the Internet who didn't want to spend $2.99 on a Batman comic book want to read a fairly clear and concise summation of this story (probably so they can pretend they read it and then regurgitate all of the clever things I say about it to their stupid friends who should be fucking reading my blog as well. They wouldn't be such suckers if they were!). So that's when I was all, "Oh! Bane is metaphorically entering Hell! How clever of you, Tom King!" That last bit about Tom King should be read sarcastically while making a mental note to not hit on Tom King when you next see him at a convention (unless he does something better than this trite Dante bullshit later in the issue).

Batman and Bane enter Arkham at precisely 12:00 AM so that this story can be called "Day Four" even though it takes place right after the fight between Batman and Bane during "Day Three." See how clever Tom King is? You can read that sarcastically if you want. I'm not really sure if it was sarcastic or serious. It's hard to keep track of what you really think when you're as facetious as I am about everything in life. What do I really like? What do I really hate? I have no clue anymore.

The next inmate Bane runs into is Two-Face. At least he doesn't begin the conversation with, "Call me One-Face!" Ha ha! That was terrible! Was it David Finch who wrote that line? What an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, I noticed Cullen Bunn's stupid name on the next issue of Trinity. It looks like I'll be dropping that piece of shit soon! I hope he at least has an editor who is willing to tell him when he is writing Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman incorrectly. Because that no-spine Brian Cunningham certainly didn't have the cojones to point out that Cullen Bunn obviously didn't understand the character of Aquaman (like the simplest character to understand! He swims and speaks with fish and is boring). In fact, Cunningham backed Bunn on the idiotic decision to make Aquaman a space traveler with every super power he could think of! And nobody on that book seemed to mind that Aquaman's new costume made him look like he was constantly running around with an erection. On the plus side, I did guiltily masturbate quite a bit to that comic book! Usually I like to look at or think about naked women when I masturbate. But Aquaman's penis was so stiff and throbbing that it totally got me sexually excited thinking, "That's probably going to go into Mera's vagina and/or butthole!" I may have also thought it would go into a dolphin's blowhole. Never mind if that got me excited too.

No no no! That's not how Two-Face makes decisions at all! Somebody give him a fucking quarter!

Bane simply punches Two-Face twice: once in the gut and once in the face and once in the floor. No wait. He hits him twice: once in the face and once in the floor. No wait! The fight lasts three hits! Bane hits Two-Face in the gut then he hits Two-Face in the face then Two-Face hits the floor! There it is!

Next Bane encounters Solomon Grundy and Amygdala. Why is Solomon Grundy in Arkham? Doesn't SHADE have a monster prison? I think he'd be better off in Belle Reve.

I just realized Batman let out all of the inmates and Bane just kicked the door down when he entered Arkham. I don't think Bane has been shutting and locking doors behind him as he goes. I think Batman's going to have another Knightfall on his hands when this ends. Except it'll be backwards where he gets his back broken by Bane first and then has to hunt down the rest of the inmates.

Whenever Bane meets a new inmate, they're all, "I am a thing!" Then Bane responds, "I am a thing!" I'm beginning to think somebody broke Tom King and he can only write first person declarative sentences now. That's why all of his Batman stories have begun that way. I am Gotham. I am Suicide. I am Fucking A Cat On A Roof. I am Bane. See?

Once Bane gets through that door, Scarecrow, I think the word you'll be thinking of is agraphobia.

Scarecrow sprays Bane in the face with his fear spray (almost certainly made out of urine and toilet water). Bane manages to strain his way through the fear to declare, "I don't have nightmares! I give nightmares!" Well, we know if Tom King ever stops writing comic books, he can make some money punching up B-grade action movies.

Meanwhile, Alfred is ranting and raving in much the same way I've been doing here. He's beside himself when he discovers Batman let the other inmates out and even armed them. Batman's all, "I didn't have a choice!" And Alfred is all, "Call the fucking Justice League!" Right?! That's what I said last issue! He's totally wasting Superman's time and talents asking him to babysit the Robins. Batman should have asked Superman to sit on Bane!

Bane has to work through nearly twenty-four hours worth of inmates or else he'll get to the final confrontation with Batman too early. Next issue can't happen until we get back to midnight! So after Scarecrow, Bane battles his way past Mr. Freeze, Firefly, Black Spider, Flamingo, Man-bat, Zsasz, Mad Hatter, Dr. Phosphorous, Hush, Copperhead, and Calendar Man. I'm surprised he didn't have to fight through the Ten-Eyed Man and Kiteman as well.

Oh! I get it! He's doing the Reverse Knightfall! Bane will be exhausted from battling all of the Arkham inmates so that Batman can easily break Bane's back (again)! Or maybe Gotham Girl will be cured when Bane finally gets there and she can break Bane's back (at the cost of a few weeks from the end of her life, of course!).

Bane finally comes to the door that's been waiting to imprison The Joker behind it. It currently holds Alfred, Batman, Gotham Girl, and Psycho Pirate. But it has a lock! Instead of smashing it the Bane way, he fetches The Riddler to figure it out for him. Riddler disengages the lock just in time for an 11:59 PM David Finchian double splash page of Batman facing off against Bane. The final fight is nigh! Dante said that too, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the first page of the next issue is Batman knocking Bane out in one punch. Then King can spend the final nineteen pages on fixing Gotham Girl who will probably be excited to go shopping for some new clothes which she'll have to try on which means she'll have to take off the clothes she's currently wearing! I may dislike most of David Finch's art but I know he loves to find any reason at all to draw a nearly naked woman! And his women all look like girls so even if Gotham Girl is a bit too young to be ogling in her underwear, how am I supposed to know? David Finch draws all adult women as if they were fifteen years old! The guy has issues!

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Mother Panic #5

I know wild rats are vermin that often carry disease on their beshitted fur but they're so fucking adorable I want to hug them!

I had a rat in high school and a gerbil in college (the answer to your inappropriate question is no). If it weren't for how lazy I am, I'd currently have either a couple of rats or a couple of gerbils. But you really have to make a daily effort to keep their cages clean so your house doesn't smell constantly of rodent piss. Gerbils aren't as bad as rats but it's still more work than I'm willing to do. Plus my cat Pelafina is a mouser so I'm fairly confident I already know how my rodent friend would eventually die: listening to me yell "Pelafina!" and sort of giggling at the same time because it would be cute the way my cat was mauling the rodent, and I don't think anybody deserves to be laughed at as they're being ripped to shreds.

I hope Shawn Crystal is the new permanent artist on this book because I'm in love with the art now. It definitely counteracts the pretentious art story about a girl whose father let his friends rape her so she had to murder him which caused her to be imprisoned in a boarding school run by sadistic nuns who experimented on her and turned her into a whacked out superhero who sees strange visions when she brawls. It feels much more lighthearted now!

You know what I haven't done in awhile? I haven't proven my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader credentials! Let's get that out of the way immediately.

Remember what I suggested this guy's name should be last issue? The Plastic Pauper! Say it together now: Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Okay, now that I've covered the most important part of this blog (stroking my ego), I can get to the boring bits (plot, characterization, Mother Panic's superb ass (I didn't scan the picture of it last issue but it's better than Nightwing's)).

Somehow Jody Houser forgot to use the term "uncanny valley" when describing The Plastic Pauper last issue. That's a shame since Ann Nocenti used it as often as she could in every incorrect manner possible. See, Gather House did so much plastic surgery on The Plastic Pauper that they made him looks so beautiful he looks fake and nobody can stare directly at him. So maybe this is less like the uncanny valley and more like the valley past the lake and over the mountains where nobody visits because it's unheimlich unheimlich. Jody didn't use unheimlich last issue either so I thought I'd use it here.

Violet's mom has made some new rat friends. They come by to chat with her and share their food. But Violet doesn't know about them yet. She just thinks her mother is talking to the roses which is just crazy. If she knew her mother was talking to rats, she'd be less concerned because that's totally normal behavior.

I'd like to get my bats in that belfry.

I'm trying out a bunch of new phrases that mean "I want to do it!" "I'd like to blow bubbles in that milk!" "I'd like to carpet bomb that Dresden!" "I'm going to clog that toilet!" "I'm going to punch that Nazi so hard!" "I'd love to play Global Thermonuclear War with that WOPR!"

After going out on the town to remind everybody that Violet Paige totally isn't Mother Panic, just in case anybody was wondering, Violet goes out with The Plastic Pauper the next night to take out their next target, Ashley Layton. He's just another on the list of people who ruined their childhoods. I might need a new name for The Plastic Pauper because he keeps spouting Alice in Wonderland shit. What is with super villains in Gotham being obsessed with Wonderland? Is Gotham a metaphor for Wonderland that I've totally missed all of these years and have never seen any evidence for at all? I mean aside from all those villains. Maybe the Gotham Public Library only had three books: Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, and The Autobiography of Bruce Wayne: Totally Not the Batman.

The Plastic Pauper wants to snipe the fuck out of Layton's child. But Mother Panic is all, "Whoa! I think you got the wrong idea about me and my ass, buddy! I'm trying not to get my jaw broken by Batman here. If you hadn't heard, Batwoman and I are practically finger-bang buddies. Killing a helpless child will probably get my fingers 69'd from that sweet vagina. 69'd? Oh! 86'd!"

Oh! The Plastic Pauper isn't just obsessed with Alice. He's into all the fables and children's stories too. So maybe I can call him the Pretty Pederast?

Back home, Violet's mom takes some cake to the basement to share it with Ratcatcher (or his loser brother?) and his rat buddies. I guess the shot at the end of the last issue that showed he was staying in the Pike Hotel was supposed to make me shout, "Oh! That's where Mother Panic's mom is staying!" But it didn't because who remembers shit like that from month to month?

In the back-up story, Miss Stoner, the producer for Cory Edgars (the right wing anti-Batman radio nutjob), meets a man with no eyes who tells her that Batman once saved his life. Maybe his eyes are on his fingers! If so, they're now full of bacon grease because he was feeding his dog bacon. Anyway, he wants to help Miss Stoner stop Cory Edgars from destroying all vigilantes which includes her dad, Odd Man. This back-up story is always just two pages long so that's all that happens.

The Ranking!
+1! This really is a much better comic book now that I'm in love with the art!

Mother Panic #4

I already believed this comic book was pretentious. This cover just confirms it! Just look at the name of that one creator: Jean-Francois Beaulieu! Who has that many vowels in their name?!

Almost immediately, I'm sorry I called this comic book pretentious.

Classic working class comeback!

Mother Panic's first nemesis was Gala, an artist. See why I thought it was pretentious? Art?! Pshaw! That's fancy boy stuff! And fancy girl stuff, too, I guess. But all girls are fancy when you get a peek under their skirt. Woo hoo! So fancy! But this nemesis looks like he's going to be more down-to-earth. Because who doesn't like a good "YOU'RE A WHATEVER!" burn? I use it all the time. Clerks are always, "That'll be $3.50." And I yell, "You're a $3.50!" Boom! Taken down a peg! That'll teach you for thinking you're better than me with your sick ability to handle money and do sums and tell nickels apart from dimes. La dee flippin' da!

So this mystery guy (I bet his super villain identity is The Playground Rascal!) is probably a Trump supporter. He already had that sick white working class put-down and he pulled a fire alarm! Who pulls fire alarms except stupid people who haven't studied for their money handling and doing sums final?! Although he also uses a cane with a skull on the handle which might mean he's a hipster villain. Double although, a woman looks at him and has a mental breakdown so he must have a working class face. You know the kind of face! The kind that isn't great to look at and, if you happen to stare directly at it, you think, "Minimum wage."

Wow! Now who's sounding pretentious! Probably not me! It was the way you read it and not the way I wrote it, you pretentious douche!

The Playgound Rascal blows the fuck out of the Rosemary Layton Memorial Wing of the Gotham Museum of Science and Other Fake News.

This hipster douchebag is upset for some reason. I guess he likes science. Or memorial wings. Spicy!

Mother Panic in her civilian guise goes on a talk show to do the whole I'm a drug-addled gigolo who likes to take her tits out in public and fuck other women raw shtick. She stole that from Bruce Wayne! While she's on the show, she decides to have a popular Tumblr opinion about Batman.

I an not happy about comic books being so socially conscientious! Don't fucking tell me your hot (well, lukewarm) take on Batman. Instead of judging Batman by his worst written stories, how about coming up with your own story about Batman and how he rationalizes the way he does things? I'll only be happy if Jody Houser allows Batman to change Mother Panic's judgmental view on him.

These words are just Violet Paige's act to get people to hate her so they don't think she's also a vigilante superhero. She probably secretly admires Batman and has all of his action figures on a shelf in her closet.

The other guest on the show is the Ashley Layton, the hipster douchebag. Violet recognizes his voice as he passes by. It turns out he's the guy who suggested to Violet's brother that she be sent to Gather House boarding school after she murdered her father. That's the place with the nuns who taught Violet how to be the superhero, Mother Panic! I guess she's not super happy about that so she decides he needs to be punished. I bet she pulls a thread on his sweater vest and unravels it a little bit. Ooh, he'll be so angry!

P.S. I really like the art in this issue. It might even make me like the comic book about thirteen percent more. End of P.S.

Don't tell me I'm using P.S. wrong! I know what I'm doing! This is just the Post-Post part of the commentary. Duh!

Violet goes to investigate Ashley Layton's software company. After breaking in, she encounters The Playground Rascal. I think I should rename him now that more of his character has been revealed. Apparently somebody gave him so much facial reconstruction that his face doesn't look real. It's why that woman was so terrified to look at it earlier. I bet somebody uses the phrase "uncanny valley" at some point! They might even say unheimlich!

I forgot to rename him in the last paragraph! He's The Plastic Pauper! Or maybe Fancy Lad! Hmm, maybe I'll just wait to find out who he really is. The main thing Mother Panic learns is that he also went to Gather House and he also wants to make them pay. So maybe he's Mother Perfect Face? Together, they blow up Layton's building and go home to reminisce about their terrible childhood.

Meanwhile, The Ratcatcher (or Ratcatcher's brother?) moves into the basement of the Pike Hotel. That'll probably be important later.

Double meanwhile in the back-up story, the producer of the Right Wing Radio Host who wants to put an end to Batman by making everybody hate him (which totally shouldn't work but, as we've seen recently in reality, totally works on the feeble minded and stupid). The producer wants to stop him but she doesn't know how. Luckily her father was a superhero named Odd Man and he still has the suit! It'll probably fit her or else this back-up story is going to be terribly boring.

The Ranking!
+1! That increase in the ranking is simply for the art. It's got the kind of personality I like my art to have! It's practically the exact opposite of David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. Their art is for the unthinking masses who love men with fish lips and women who look twenty years younger than they actually are. The art in this comic book is for smart, sexy, good-looking people who probably write comic book blogs.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Action Comics #976

I accept neither of these as the real Superman. Where the fuck is the spit curl?

If this cover says what I think it's saying, it's kind of a spoiler for the end of the story, right? Preboot Superman is Superman Blue, the Superman who thinks his way out of situations. New 52 Superman is Superman Red, the Superman who prefers punching first and then punching later too. And if they are Superman Red and Superman Blue then they're just two halves of the same Superman. That means the ending of this story will be the merging of the two Supermen which will result in Superman being the better Superman who can also claim to be Batman's friend. And while you are all standing and applauding the use of Red and Blue Superman in a novel way to explain some pretty fucked up Superman history, please try to ignore the Blue and Red Lois behind the curtain. It probably makes sense somehow. I bet after Superman split himself in two with his kryptonite-powered Dopplegänger creator invention (which he totally didn't invent because he wanted to fuck himself), Lois wandered in to totally not dust it because that would be sexist and thought, "Hmm. I wonder what it would be like to fuck myself?"

So that's probably the end of the story! I guess there's some details I'm missing and, hopefully, some flashbacks to Lois fucking herself (and Superman too! It's not that I don't want to see that as well. I just want to see Lois on Lois action a little bit more).

The story continues with New 52 Superman and Lois being freed from Hell by Jon. He doesn't realize they're not his parents though because he's yet to see Superman punch a helpless normie criminal in the face while Lois writers a terrible article on how heroic Superman is rather than how violent and debauched. Preboot Superman and Lois fell off the side of the building and are presumably dead. Unless what's really happened is that Superman and Lois have just finally forgotten everything the way Mr. Mxyzptlk wanted them to forget because they already merged with Red Superman and Red Lois aka the New 52 idiots.

Look at this bully! He even pushes himself around.

As Superman and Mxy argue, Jon notices a couple of blue spheres floating around now. It looks like the red versions of Superman and Lois just kicked the blue versions out of their homes. So now they just need to merge and they'll have beaten Mr. Mxyzptlk. Plus Dan Jurgens doesn't need to think of a way to trick Mxy into saying his name backwards because Mxy has a signed contract that says he'll agree to go home if Superman makes it to the end of the board game. And anyway, Mxy wants to go home before Dr. Oz takes notice of him.

I probably could have left this review with my interpretation of the cover because the details really don't matter! Mxy bails because he's afraid of Dr. Oz while Superman and Lois embrace their blue (Preboot) and red (New 52) halves to fix DC continuity. I probably should have put fix in quotes because every time DC tries to fix something wrong with their continuity, they just make it worse. It would be so much easier to just embrace my fix: denial! Just fucking pretend everything works and stop worrying about the discussions on rabid fangender forums about the minutest continuity problems!

It looks like DC might just be taking my approach but with this story as a kind of Pilate washing his hands of it all moment. Here's what Dr. Oz says: "This changes everything. A new, existence-wide, single reality, rebuilt from two. A timeline and history both familiar and new with lives realigned. Consistent with the memories and experiences of all. Everything solidified. Locked in so it all fits." There you have it! Exactly what I was hoping Rebirth would be (although it took long enough for DC to get around to it. And, in fact, I don't think DC intended this fix, exactly, from the beginning. They probably read my blog and were all, "That Tess is right! Let's just create a universe where it all works simply because we say it does! But we need a story to get us there! Oh! I know! How about instead of just a Red and Blue Superman, we have a Red and Blue DC Continuity! Merge them and then all stories are true!" Then Greg Rucka was all, "But what about what I'm doing in Wonder Woman! You're going to ruin my story with your shortcut!" And DC was all, "Oh, go to hell, you pretentious twat."

Dr. Oz marvels at Superman's ability to rewrite reality without the go ahead of his editors. Then Dr. Oz thinks, "Speaking of editors, I wonder what Big Blue will think about this! And I don't mean Superman!" Then there's a shot of Mars. Stunner!

The Ranking!
+1! I have to give this a plus one, at least, because it's done the only thing I really wanted out of Rebirth. It's simply allowed for all stories (Pre-Crisis, Post-Crisis, Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis, New 52, Rebirth) to be as true as the reader wants them to be. Don't like a story? Forget about it! It doesn't need to exist! Love a story that was wiped from existence by some reboot or another? It's part of continuity if you want it to be! All you have to do is ignore the ravenous fangenders who will obstinately bring up moments that contradict the moment you love! This issue is a loudly shouted "FUCK OFF!" to those dicks!

Friday, March 24, 2017

Superman #19

I wonder if most imps in the 5th Dimension have fairly normal names so they can't get away with pranking the 3rd Dimension as easily.

This issue begins with Jon slipping out of the 3rd Dimension and into Mxy's secret basement molestation lair. I'm sorry but it had to be said. We're all thinking that a little old man in an odd hat stealing a kid to hide him away and play games is obviously an analogy for a sexual predator but most of us have too much class and/or fear of being scolded by righteously indignant Internet users to say it: Jon is about to be diddleplked.

Lois has forgotten about Jon because she's lucky. She's also forgotten that she saw a bunch of 5th Dimensional beings pleading for her help inside a snow globe owned by Mr. Mxyzptlk. That's okay. Most visitors to the Fortress of Solitude soon forget the jar full of little people pleading for help too. It's easier to pretend you imagined something so horrific, especially when Superman's underwear is hanging off the rim of the bottle.

Superman wants to play the game with Mxy now but Mxy is still peeved from being forgotten. I think the game might be a bit more Saw- or Cube-like this time around. Did I punctuate that correctly? Oh, who the fuck cares? Judging by the amount of exclamation points I use, nobody thinks I'm a fucking grammar genius!

Mxy transports Clark and Lois to his newfangled, more dangerous gameworld. It looks far more dangerous than Cube. I think it's more like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Hmm. Is that the explanation for Cube? It was a modern day Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wonder what kind of candy the autistic guy began making after he won?

Superman didn't even read that contract. Does he think he can punch it into smithereens later if he just signed his life away?

Before Superman agrees to play, Mxy says some vague stuff about red energy in the other Superman and Preboot Superman's essence being blue energy. Great. Are we going to get a twenty year retooling of the reasoning behind red and blue electric Superman? That's nothing nobody has been not clamoring for. That may have been Bizarro speak, depending on what I meant and what it actually means. I probably shouldn't use so many negatives in one sentence. That sentence's glass was totally half empty, amirite?

In his prison, Jon meets two balls of red electricity that sound like Clark and Lois. Can't we just let New 52 Clark and Lois rest in peace? Do they have to somehow integrate with Preboot Clark and Lois? Is that something we really need? It's not like Golden Age Superman ever had to join with Silver Age Superman to make sense of the DC Universe. Although it made super sexy sense when they joined in my Goldver Age Superman Slash Fiction.

The game Mxy plays with Superman is just a double splash page of a board game with a giant Mxy over it screaming, "I win! I win!" That's terrible. Pete and Pat are skipping over the most interesting bit of this story! The fun part of a Mxy story is the game. It's the competition and the outwitting of the little imp. But in this issue, it's just Mxy yelling, "I win!" And then Superman and Lois looking deep into each other's eyes and saying, "Stay! Don't forget!" And then they win instead! So anticlimactic. This is the worst Mr. Mxyzptlk story ever.

But then, to be fair (even though I totally don't have to be!), Mxy isn't really in a game playing mood this time. He's just out to hurt Superman because Superman hurt his feelings. I guess it's going to work since Superman signed that stupid contract without reading it. It probably says that no matter what happens, Mxy gets to put six things of his choosing up Superman's asshole.

Jon gets the balls of red electricity to help him escape from prison. Once free, they take the shape of New 52 Superman and Lois. They're still covered in the red electricity. Let me guess: Dan Jurgens came up with the idea to bring back Red and Blue Electricity Superman, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I don't really mind if Preboot Superman was really just half of New 52 Superman or vice versa. I don't mind if they need to be merged to make Rebirth work. Just, please, let this story be the end of it and nobody ever again mention how Preboot Superman somehow doesn't fit into the Rebirth world. Let's just accept him as the real Superman who has always been Superman, the one who is friends with Batman, and just get on with our lousy, unsatisfying, comic book reading lives.

Action Comics #975

"Bizarro am looking at Superman's ass!"

You might be thinking, "Shouldn't it be 'Bizarro am not looking at Superman's ass'?" No! Because he's embarrassed that he was caught looking at it and he's denying that he was looking at it. Which sucks for Bizarro because most people who aren't bothered with trying to understand the whole "Bizarro speak terribly" thing (I don't know if I meant that in Bizarro or not. Bizarro speak really am good. Bad. Whatever) will just nod their heads in agreement and think, "Yeah you are!"

The good thing about being a full week behind on my comics (in a manner of speaking. I currently have 28 comics in the stack. At 14 per week and this being so close to a new week when I should have about 14 in the stack anyway, I'm one week behind. Maths! But then some of those comics are a month behind because of the odd way I've been reading them. Like how I have two Mother Panic issues to read) is that I get to read the last three Superman Reborn comics at once! Probably not at one sitting though. I'm already jonesing to play Friday Overwatch.

At the end of the last issue, DC included a page with a title something like "Who is behind Mystery Clark Kent?! It's not as surprising as you might think so here are five super villains that DC has been using way too much lately. Try to guess which one is behind the mystery!" Then, like this cover, it had a bunch of characters to choose from. I forget exactly which ones but I'm sure it was Doomsday and Cyborg Superman and Mongul and Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk. I'm sure Mxy was included because there's a bad thing about being a full week behind on reading comics too: I already saw Mxy on the cover of Superman #19. I'm glad he's the villain because he hasn't been as overused as the other ones. Plus it's easy to explain any inconsistencies in the plots since Rebirth if the person behind the story is Mxy and not just Dan Jurgens.

At the end of the last issue, Jon Smith was wiped out of existence. There's been a lot of that going on. He was wiped in Justice League too! To increase tension, DC Comics probably should have waited to release Supersons until after this story concluded. Now I know he's going to be fine or else the next issue of Supersons will be Superson. And that will be a little too confusing if it's a comic book about Damian Wayne and called Superson. People will begin thinking somebody was cuckolded.

Clark and Lois (the Smiths! Not the Kents!) head to Clark Kent's apartment in Metropolis to search for Jon.

No! No! Not the fridge! This is going to be grotesque!

Jon isn't chopped up inside the fridge even if that would have been the best Rebirth moment yet. Instead, it's full of junk food. If it wasn't for the cover with Mr. Mxyzptlk on it, I'd be guessing Bizarro was the culprit. But I'm also a card carrying member of the Trixie Belden School of Detectivanting (that's doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe) so I saw some huge clues earlier that Clark Kent couldn't be Bizarro. Like how he could conjugate "to be". Not that most Americans could conjugate "to be" if you asked them. "To be. To have been. To be better. To behave?"

Clark appears out of nowhere (he must have been in nowhere since Superman didn't hear his heartbeat nearby). Superman immediately resorts to violence while accusing Clark of taking their son. That's understandable, I guess. I don't know if I'd be angry if somebody took my son but if they took my cat, I'd throw punches first, ask questions later (after regaining consciousness from being beaten up because I suck at fighting). Clark responds with, "Oh, the son you never told me about?!" Why the fuck would Superman need to tell Clark Kent about his son?! This guy has an ego problem. Hmm. Being that Clark is really Mxy, that previous statement is pretty fucking obvious.

Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals his plan to Superman. He was just trying to help Superman regain his secret identity by pretending to be Clark Kent. And he wasn't just pretending! He cast a spell so strong that he truly believed he was. Well, he calls it a spell. But really, he's just manipulating three dimensional reality the way I...well, never mind what I was going to compare that to. It's personal.

Mxy reveals his plan but not his identity. He wants Superman to guess! Well, that should take the rest of the comic book seeing as how answering questions isn't as easy as punching faces.

Wait. So he is Bizarro? I'm confused!

Mr. Mxyzptlk finally reveals himself and tells Superman that he's going to make everybody forget about Jon the way Superman forgot about Mxy. That's cool. I'd be okay with the moment at the end of this issue where Lois says "Jon who?" being the end of the Superman Reborn story. I'm already forgetting about the little fucking cat murderer.

The Ranking!
No change! At least Jurgens didn't wait until the last possible moment to reveal Clark Kent's true identity. Also, I don't know why I'm doing this ranking bit when I haven't even mentioned the back-up story yet! Whoops!

The back-up story takes place in a world of doors. It's where Jon's being kept captive by Mxy. Maybe "captive" is the wrong word since they're just hanging out the way friends do. Although if my friend Doom Bunny ever dropped by unexpectedly, I'd feel like I was being held captive in my own home. So maybe "held captive" is synonymous enough with "hanging out with friends."

Mxy tells Jon a story about the last time he tried to come to Earth to fuck with Jon's dad. I mean play with him! I guess "fuck" and "play" can also be synonymous, right?! Anyway, when Mxy appeared, he was instantly captured by Dr. Oz. Mxy's feelings were hurt when Superman never came to save him. He really does have a huge ego, doesn't he?

Mxy lets Jon know that he's stuck in Doorland until Superman figures out how to beat him. How will Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards this time? I bet he just punches Mxy in the face until Mxy says "Uncle." I mean "Kltpzyxm!"

Scooby Apocalypse #11

Thanks for reminding me that Kenneth Rocafort's terrible art exists, comic book cover!

Apparently if you have anxiety about having a possible heart attack and feel an impending sense of doom, if you look up symptoms for a heart attack online, you'll find one of them is anxiety with an impending sense of doom! Who knew I've been having a heart attack for three quarters of my entire life!

That was Tess's Health Corner! Where the most likely not too healthy come to distract themselves from their impending thoughts of doom, tightness in the chest, and that incessant pain in their left arm.

The Review!
-1! I prefer Howard Porter's art to Dale Eaglesham's. That's a personal opinion that shouldn't reflect on my usually completely and utterly objective reviews of comic books. But since I was already disappointed in the art, it wasn't long before I was also disappointed in the story. It continues to have nothing to say. I'm not completely surprised by that since Giffen and DeMatteis have learned the secret of collecting easy paychecks. First you write a story with about five or six jokes in it. That's the first issue. In the second issue, you repeat all of the jokes and most of the dialogue and revelations from the first issue but in a different location. See how moving from one place to another makes it seem like the plot has advanced when really the characters haven't grown at all? So far that's been Scooby Apocalypse in a nutshell.

The good thing (I think you're supposed to add good things to critical reviews to make them seem non-biased although if something is utter crap, it seems unreasonable to expect a critic to figure out something nice to say. Nice people who don't think "This fucking sucks!" is a good enough review are ruining the world!) about this issue is it seems to finally put to rest the mistrust felt between different characters. Eleven issues in and the group has finally come together, declaring themselves friends and meddling kid detectives. Maybe now the plot can move forward!

There's also a back-up story that introduces Rufus Dinkley. He's the businessman brother of Velma and he's a huge turd. The good thing about him is he has a lot of money. See how I can say good and bad things, thus proving I'm an excellent reviewer! He's probably been introduced so the reader realizes the Scooby Gang has a goal. Find Rufus and help him! Or, more likely, kick his teeth in.

Justice League #17

No wonder Lex Luthor hates this asshole. Has Superman ever outsmarted any enemy other than Mxyzptlk?

I don't care if I spell the fifth dimensional imp's name wrong. It's not my responsibility to make sure everything I write is correct. My only responsibility is to my ego!

Although my belief in my ego is so strong, I'm pretty fucking sure I nailed the spelling.

The Justice League have been scattered all over time in a story I've been referring to as "Plotless" since I first thought of calling it that just now in this sentence. So the "been referring" bit might have been hyperbole.

Superman is in the far flung future negotiating with a giant techno-baby in the hopes of saving the world. Batman is in the future as well but Batman is scouring historic records in the library to discover how best to invest his money in the year 2017. You might think that's a selfish waste of time when he should be trying to save the world. But if he doesn't stop time from being rewritten, none of this research will matter. So now he has even more incentive than Superman to stop time from changing. And, yes, I know Superman's motivation is saving his family. But come on! Money!

How many of you would read a series of Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Books? They would be like those Fighting Fantasy books from the eighties but with more fucking. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start writing those. The first one will be called More Cock on Ginger-Topped Mounters.

Ooh! I might have to steal this for my Fantastical Fuck-Fighting Book!

I wish I were a painter. I think I'd do a series of historical figures jerking off.

The giant green Brainiac baby that looks like an old man also is named Tempus the Timeless Mind. For being a timeless mind, it's odd that he only seems to exist in the far future. I'm probably jumping the gun by making that criticism. I'm sure he's about to explain his name in the four large speech bubbles following the one where he tells Superman his name. That was as far as I got before I decided I wanted to see what I had to say about that and turned back to my blog. I hate to criticize my own work, but I could have probably put more effort into my reaction. If I weren't busy mentally composing my masterpiece of Joan of Arc masturbating at the head of a French army, maybe I would have thought up a good Tempussy joke.

In the second speech bubble, Tempus explains that his consciousness stretches from one end of time to the other. Pshaw! As if time has two ends! It only has one end! The other is a beginning. DUH! I only have a fifth grade education and I know that!

I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Literature but I really stopped paying attention to all of my teachers in fifth grade.

Tempus explains what's happening to Superman but, like me sitting in front of Mr. Melrose explaining history to me in sixth grade, he doesn't hear a word he says. Superman's only concern is where his family has gone. If he'd been listening, he'd probably know...well, I don't know what he'd know. I wasn't listening either. Which is weird because I was reading it! Of course it's hard to comprehend what you're reading when you're really just picturing a woman wearing only the top half of a suit of armor while on horseback with her hand shoved up herself.

Every time a writer has Superman resort to punching, I kick my friend Doom Bunny in the balls. I can't wait until he comes to visit for the Electric Six show in June! Boy do I have a backlog of nut kicks for him!

Superman only begins listening when he's overpowered by Brainiac Baby's personal bodyguards. I can't think of a worse way to portray Superman. Have him demand answers from somebody and then threaten to punch them in the face until they do as he says. Bryan Hitch is terrible.

The other Justice League members are still strewn about time fighting the Timeless. They all get a page to remind the readers that they're still helping even though Superman's role is probably the most important. The guy from the Infinity Corporation said as much last issue.

With moments like these, you can tell Bryan Hitch isn't really concentrating on the other Justice League members. I'm sure his script just read "Page 5: Something about Wonder Woman. Maybe allude to Rucka's series. Page 6: Something with Flash. Think up some speed puns. Page 7: Aquaman. Even just writing his name was boring!"

In the 30th Century, Brainiac 5 gives Cyborg a Legion Flight Bracelet. He was into jangly jewelry when he was a kid. But giving it to Cyborg makes him realize he should develop rings instead. Way to put your mark on the DC Universe, Bryan Hitch! What a fantastic bit of trivia for Fangenders everywhere! "Did you know that the Legion Flight ring didn't start out as a ring?" one will ask in the future, rubbing his fat goatee thoughtfully. His friend will respond with "I tap two mountains and a forest to summon my Draconian Elf."

I think the target audience for the Suicide Squad/Banana Splits Special might be me and me alone. Sorry for the interruption! But since I was interrupted by the two page centerfold Hanna-Barbera team-ups advertisement, you can handle being interrupted by my extremely limited comment on it.

Big Baby Brainiac reveals his plan to Superman because he thinks he's already won, the way baddies always do. But then stupid fucking Superman is all, "Oh yeah? Well my friends have been sent to stop it!" At which point, Tempus says, "No, they were wiped from existence." So Superman gets lucky because Tempus didn't buy that the plan to stop him was in full effect. But then Superman says, "No, no! They got away and are stopping your Time Bombs right now!" He's such a fucking douche.

Tempus's plan is to move Earth-New-Earth to the end of time where it can do its own thing without screwing up the rest of the universe. Molly's plan is to use the Justice League to stop that from happening. But Superman has a different plan!

Superman is your annoying friend who votes third party because they think they're so fucking smart and above it all.

The plan to stop both seeming threats was the exact plan the Justice League used in the first story, "The Extinction Machines," wasn't it?

Superman's new plan is to use force to stop Tempus from doing something Superman doesn't want Tempus to do. In this case, that's probably a good decision. But the way Superman is going, he's going to begin physically threatening Burger King clerks if they put mustard on his Whopper.

The Ranking!
-1! I haven't spent a lot of time analyzing them but I have a deep suspicion that all of Bryan Hitch's stories are really just the same story.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Justice League #16

Batman's fist is blocked because you know what he's doing.

The current Justice League story is stupid. That isn't a surprise because Bryan Hitch is writing it. Bryan Hitch is an artist who DC Comics hired to both draw and write the Justice League of America. But then they realized he can't make deadlines if he's doing both jobs so they decided to halve his workload. But for some reason, they thought things would work better if he did the writing instead of the drawing. That might have been a good decision if your main concern was deadlines but it was a terrible decision if your main concern was entertaining DC fans.

I wish more editors would carry Tasers on them so that when a writer decides to pitch a time travel story, the editor could just whip out the Taser and shoot the idiot writer in the neck. Most time travel stories are terrible and since Primer already exists, why even bother to write time travel stories anymore? I like that the title of Primer doesn't have to just represent the notes the main character keeps so that he can repeat the past correctly but can also be read as the writer saying, "Hey! All you other time travel writing fuckfarts? This is how you do it. Bitches. I'd drop the mic now but it was fucking expensive and I'm only an independent movie producer."

I guess this means fifteen minutes as experienced by somebody with their family at Thanksgiving.

Growing up, I had three Thanksgiving traditions: eating a ton of mashed potatoes, watching Ray Harryhausen films on Channel 36, and trying to fingerbang my cousin.

Time has been changed and that's a bad thing, I suppose. What do I know about good and bad? You read my Thanksgiving traditions!

Anyway, time doesn't change immediately like you'd think it probably should. Or maybe you don't think that since you probably think the arbiter of time travel rules is Back to the Future which proved that time changes slowly. Michael J. Fox had a Polaroid to prove that. So now that time has changed, the changes are rippling up through eternity, giving Batman ten minutes to save time! Although if he fails, everything will still exist except a bunch of people will go on the Internet to write, "Does anybody else remember superheroes being real? I remember while growing up, they were real! Is this the Mandela Effect?!" And a bunch of people will answer, "Oh my God! I remember that totally correctly too!" And nobody will write, "You people are idiots who are just remembering something wrong and have decided that reality is subjective and malleable rather than have to admit you remembered something wrong." Although in this case, they'd be right! I hate how comic books are always portraying things opposite of how they are in the real world. In comics, time can be changed but in the real world, no way! In comics, gods are real and all over the place but in the real world, Ha ha! Ludicrous! In comics, nice guys are actually nice guys but in the real world, they're men's rights activists who think women won't fuck them because the women have something wrong with them. THEY THINK IT'S THE WOMEN WHO HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM!

The Infinity Corporation needs Superman to fix the Time Crisis. Who are the Infinity Corporation, you're probably asking? More like "when" are they! OUCH! I just punched myself in the face!

The Infinity Corporation aren't being honest with Superman and Batman about who they are. But they make sure to have a conversation about how they aren't who they say they are so that the reader can grip the edges so hard that the comic goes from fine to poor while also shouting, "WHO ARE YOU?! I HAVE TO KNOW! ALSO, WILL I EVER HAVE SEX?!"

The other Justice League members have been sprinkled throughout time to stop Time Bombs from going off and changing everything. Aquaman is in Atlantis 47,000 years ago. Coincidentally, it's the day his beloved crystal zodiac figurines were created! The weird thing is that the Atlanteans created the same creatures in their zodiac even though it was 45 thousand years or so earlier than when the Babylonians created theirs. Surely Cancer would have looked more like a frying pan and Libra would have looked like a man drumming on a bucket outside of a department store. And why did they only carve twelve? What about the secret thirteenth symbol of the zodiac, the puking serpent?

The Green Lanterns are in 26th Century America. It's a fucking disaster. But everybody is a Green Lantern, so I guess that makes up for the sleeping in rubble living conditions and the dinners of deep fried rat asshole.

Cyborg is in Legion of Super-Heroes time and Barry is in Speed Force Creation Days and Wonder Woman is in Greece when the Olympians were created. Each of them has to disarm a Time Bomb or the world will change. So even if they fail, it's not like anything will be destroyed. It's just that new stories will be created! And none of those stories will have superheroes. Except they'll still probably have heroes like Batman and Green Arrow and Blue Beetle since those are just guys with lots of money and a penchant for vigilantism. So actually, it'll be DC Comics' accountants favorite world! Every comic published each month will basically have to star Batman!

It's how you build trust with everybody else! Hypocrite!

Superman, Batman, and the Infinity Corporation are far into the future where the time ripples end. They figure that's where the person behind it all resides. I guess that person's life in the future just wasn't good enough so they had to change some shit. I bet the whole point was to change everything just enough so that this person's dick would somehow be bigger. I can't explain how that would work! Time DNA or something!

The antagonist is a huge, gross baby? I hope Superman punches it!

I bet Batman's plan to save the world is to perform a Time Abortion!

The Ranking!
No change! This story feels timeless! And not in a good way! In the waiting in line at the Post Office only to realize when you get to the counter that you meant to go to the DMV way!