Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Bat-Mad Lib Eternal #32 completed by Doom Bunny and Grunion Guy

Hush punches Spoiler in the butt pustule while Batman forges Hush right in the ass.

Last issue, Greyhoundman mostly just sparkled around in his Batsidecar. But it did manage to touch Damian inappropriately. So that was something¿

Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's fancy slave, teamed up with Ra's al Ghul to escape the ruins of Arkham Post Office. Alfred has been playfully hallucinating due to an injection Mashed Potato gave him directly to his spleen. But he's hittingest now!

The issue ended with No Sex In The Stacks about to kill Cluemaster's daughter, Door Handle.

How come whenever a character has a slingshot, they always get too close, allowing their opponent to masticate them?

Batman arrives to erect the second using his personalized take on the boomerang. Hush lobs a kumquat at Batman and Spoiler which causes a huge orgy. When the brick clears, Batman finds that Hush and Spoiler have pulled an Ambush Bug on him and disappeared.

Later, Batman returns to assault Battusk because he loves him. Or he just doesn't want Batwing's Grammys on his conscience. Or he was just obliterated hearing Batwing mutter over the Batcom, "Please don't eat my burrito!"

Alfred Ha'pennyworth is a bad ass. He had an historic building dropped on him and only needed one small Kleenex on his big round breast.

Meanwhile on the roof of the City Hall, Jason Elf Cleric and Hush finally meet face to foot to talk not alone to alone with the cat watching. (Yes, I realize the wording in the previous blanks will wind up with Jason Bard and Hush meeting to talk doggy style to anal. Or meeting to talk with my soulmate to my first time.) I anticipate this is the first time Hush and Tiny Tim have met to show they're definitely squelching together.

There is no way Scott Lobdell should be employed as a writer, and DC looks like a bunch of halfwits having him touch anything.

Jason Bard goes to visit Lana Lang to discuss what he's learned about Hush's inventions. At the same time, Batman notices somebody has smothered the MacGregor database. That's the listing of all of Batman's pretty weapons caches across Goatopolis. For anybody too lazy to figure out A² + B² = C², I'll spell it out for you: Dick Dastardly tolerated the Magic Lasso!

Oh shucks!

The final pages play out with Deathstork being framed for Hollywood attacks all over Gotham City. When is Grifter going to step up and do something about this Red Hood before all Grunion Guy's Basement breaks loose!

Batman Eternal #32 Rating (in which I've already filled out the Mad Lib blanks): Dog farts extrapolate polar median hibiscus monstrosities. Phallic raiment devolves upon shoddy platonic wet dreams. Demonstrative police savage inane pituitary concerns. Batman? Why, tuberculosis, of course!

Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1

Sometimes I get loads of Vaseline on my scanner.

Apparently when you merge Batman with The Joker he becomes a leather and chains loving sado-masochistic pedophile kink king. I would have, at most, figured him for a third rate bipolar stand up comedian. At least, he'd be the dirty joke spewing pervy uncle brooding from the corner of the room during Thanksgiving while nursing a constant half-boner.

What I'm trying to say is I'm surprised DC went for the Queen of Robins who — I'm guessing — will yell "YASSSSSSS!" at least once during this issue.

The plot of this issue probably won't be surprising after an interminable amount of these tie-ins. Batman steps over the line and kills. This time he kills — SURPRISE! — The Joker. It makes sense that this Dark Multiverse Earth exists. What doesn't make sense is that all of the Dark Multiverse Earths aren't creations of Batman thinking, every time he battles The Joker, "I should probably just kill him, right? Save everybody a lot of grief. But then I couldn't lord my 'No killing!' stance over all those other asshole heroes that have killed once or twice. Damned if I'll lose my holier than thou status over Superman. The day he killed Doomsday was the greatest day of my life! I mean also the saddest because Doomsday killed Superman. But that boy scout killed a sentient being! At least I presume it was sentient. It showed some serious intelligence by kicking Booster Gold's ass upon first meeting him."

One of the terrible writers who wrote one of the previous terrible tie-ins (I think it was Joshua Williamson in the Bats Out of Hell four part story that made me wish I'd chosen euthanizing puppies as a hobby rather than reading comic books) mentioned that the Dark Multiverse Earths weren't just created out of Batman's fears but Batman's regrets. That's a stupid thing to say because Batman never did the things that the Batmen on the Dark Multiverse Earth's did so he couldn't have regretted them. Unless what Mr. Williamson meant was that Batman constantly regrets not killing every member of the Justice League or every one of his enemies every day of his existence. But that seems out of character. Not that Batman torturing himself is out of character but Batman regretting choosing not to kill. It's like the exact opposite of what all of these tie-ins are saying.

I know why Batman laughed! He thought, "Sounds like a terrible psychologist!"

Later Batjoker kills all of the Batkids because the real Batman on Light Earth-0 fears he might someday do that. Or he regrets it. Or maybe it has nothing to do with him since that's just a part of the plot progression after he killed The Joker. That's the fear that created Earth-Negative-Twenty-Two (and also a billion other Earths, one for each time The Joker broke out of Arkham and killed at least one more person. Then Batman squatted on the ground while punching himself in the face and mumbling, "Why didn't I kill him last time? I should have killed him! Is this new death on me?! Probably!"). After killing the Batkids, he kills the Justice League. Then he killed everybody on Earth. That should make him seem scary since he mostly seems to me, right now, that he should be hosting Drag Night at The Tinker's Damn.

Batjoker's antics caught the attention of Barbatos who needed a valet to open a door for him. Batjoker's qualifications for the job had something to do with how, when you're playing with a deck of cards, having a hand that contains the king and the joker is the best hand ever in every game. But, I mean, is it? I don't know every card game but I'm pretty sure Batjoker should be teaming up with Ace the Wonder Dog if he wants a truly unbeatable hand. Of course, some games value the ace as the lowest card. But then again, only children play games that include the joker. Which probably means this story will end with Batjoker throwing a huge tantrum when he realizes he's about to lose.

The story ends with the revelation that Batjoker has been telling his origin to some guy in a wheelchair covered in bandages. I totally and honestly and not facetiously at all think it's Blue Beetle although I don't really know who it might be, probably because I haven't been paying close enough attention. And I don't mean just to this comic book story. I haven't been paying attention to anything in my life lately. Batjoker tells this poor invalid that his ultimate plan is to release all of DC's Elseworld's baddies on Earth-0. That should be exciting!

Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1 Rating: I'm trying to be positive lately so this book gets one star out of two stars. That's ambivalent enough for me to delude myself into thinking I'm being positive.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Justice League #33

This face has way too many noses.

How come I'm still stupid enough to be purchasing comic books that simply "tie-in" to a different story arc? They're always terrible and unnecessary. I suppose this time I purchased The Flash and Hal Jordan because I've been picking up Justice League anyway. Although would it have mattered if I read those other two parts? They can be summed up in however many words I'm about to take to sum it up: the entire Justice League was captured. There! Now we're ready to move on to this issue.

The first three pages portray the Batjoker as an idiot. I really want to like him. I truly do. I want him to be vicious and terrifying and demented but instead he's stupid and illogical and annoying. I guess that can't be helped since he's being written by Joshua Williamson. That might not be fair to Mr. Williamson but I never did get over his complete dismantling of the plot on The New 52 Voodoo when he took over. Not that the plot was any good when he picked it up. But he could have, at least, read the story prior to his coming on board and tried to integrate his ideas into it. I have no patience for that kind of shoddy writing.

Okay, I have some patience for it! Quite a bit, actually, or else why would I still be reading comic books after three decades? It's actually more common for a writer to just raze the previous story and characters to the ground as they step in to establish their vision. I just want it known that I don't respect those writers at all. Take that, writers!

Cyborg has something inside him that Batjoker needs to dominate the multiverse. But Cyborg has too much heart to give it up. Or something. Whatever. I'm always so bored when reading Cyborg comic books. I think Raven tells him he's not as big a failure as everybody thinks he is which encourages him to fight back. He starts by spouting nonsense.

What the hell is Cyborg One Million? Um, baby?

I guess he means he's so much better than Cyborg 2.0 that he's Cyborg One Million Point O? No, I think Victor just got lost in his excitement about equating his name with being a winner. I wish he'd said, "I'll always be a Stone!" That's more how I think of him because stones are boring.

Anyway, stuff happens and they escape so they can continue on their adventures that were disrupted when this tie-in began. But that's just what Batjoker wanted! I mean, it wasn't what he wanted two pages before the end where Barbatos gets mad at him for losing the Justice League and he's all, "As long as I have the Titans and Task Force X, they'll be back!" Then two pages later, he's all, "They're just where I want them! Spreading your darkness through the multiverse!" And Barbatos isn't all, "Why didn't you say that two pages ago when I was scolding you? That your plan was to let them loose infected by my darkness? Why did you mention they'd be back for the others?" And Batjoker is all, "It makes sense. Stop overthinking it. Jerk."

Justice League #33 Rating: -3 stars out of 5. That's for the whole tie-in. Basically everything is back where it was before the tie-in began except with Flash, Raven, and Cyborg as one of the four teams instead of Flash, Superman, and Steel. Which doesn't really make sense because didn't they need Steel's metal? I guess Cyborg's Element X is better than whatever metal Steel had on him?

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32

This cover raises questions.

Being a terrible comic book fan, I don't think I've spent enough time discussing Green Lantern's light constructs with my only two nerd friends. Mostly because I have way more than two friends (depending on your definition of "way more") although all three of them are, admittedly, nerds. We've discussed Magic the Gathering on way too many occasions and wrote some songs during a Cyberpunk campaign where our characters were in a band called The Mysogynysts (whatever you instantly thought our songs might have been about was probably more sexist than the songs we actually wrote (I mean, one called "Five-fingered Angel" was just a ballad to the singer's hand)) and probably spent more time playing Blood Bowl than having sex with a partner (I don't just mean back in the day when we were getting little to no sex (I only added the "little" because I suspect one of my friends had at least finger-banged a woman that my other friend was in love with), I mean all told right up until this minute. Which doesn't mean I haven't had a lot of sex. I'm trying to point out just how much Blood Bowl we played. Those games can last for hours! So one game is like fifty sexual encounters! Probably more!). But I don't remember ever discussing Green Lantern's power constructs.

Seeing this cover where Hal has made lots of bats to help him, I couldn't help wondering if a light construct bat simply takes on all the physical attributes of a bat. Are they the same density? Do they fly exactly the same way? Do they poo? No wait. I'm getting too far into the weeds on this. I just want to know if a bat light construct would smash its brains out against a plate glass window exactly like a real bat might do? I always just figured the light constructs were a way for the artist not to get bored but maybe the shape and design actually matter? If not, why wouldn't Hal just shoot rocks or bullets or lasers at his opponents? Does he really need to make fancy constructs in a battle for his life? The only reason I can think why he would make goofy constructs was to get me to tune in to the next episode of Challenge of the Superfriends to see what he comes up with next. I mean a glove to counter Sinestro's huge yellow penis? I mean baseball bat! What next?! A bulldozer, I bet!

That's probably enough nerd talk. I feel gross now. Leave the nerd talk to They Who Shall Not Be Named (you know! The Weird Science guys!) even though they're terrible at it. Have you ever listened to their podcast? So boring! I mean, I'm making an educated guess that it's boring. And I was educated at San Jose State University! Home of the San Jose State Minimalists! That's their football team!

The number is infinity times fifty-two. Which is technically infinity but we all know it's actually fifty-two times greater than infinity. Duh!

Only fifty-two of those planets matter anyway. Since when has anybody ever cared what's going on on Mars-3? And that's the closest planet to Earth (unless that would be Venus. I could look it up but I'm practicing for the loss of Net Neutrality where I won't be able to get any information not sponsored by Comcast. I hope Comcast doesn't think Jupiter is the closest planet to Earth because I'm fairly certain that isn't correct. But if that's the only information I can find on the ComcastNet, what can I do but accept it?!)! The only thing anybody cares about in the non-Earth-0 universes is whether or not the Nazis won World War II on that Earth. After that, nobody has ever asked, "But did they then colonize Mars too?"

After ruminating on how many planets there are, Hal Jordan thinks, "How many citizens? Trillions? What's more than trillions?" How stupid is Hal Jordan? He doesn't even now the science term "gazillions"?!

Hal finishes his display of ignorance by saying, "But there's only one Coast City." What an idiot!

Oh man! I haven't been reading this series so I hope Hal didn't take a huge blow to the head and is currently suffering brain damage. If that's the case, I take back the idiot statement because being an idiot is just a symptom of suffering a head injury and not something to mock. Probably. Plus, Guy Gardner already had the brain injury story arc.

See?! Hal's lost the ability to read!

The main part of the story takes place under Coast City where Hal battles Dawnbreaker. That part where Hal Jordan went "Duh!" for a few pages was just the prologue. It was so the reader understood how much Hal Jordan loves Coast City and what he'll do to anybody who wants to harm it. You know, the same way Batman thinks of Gotham and Superman thinks of Metropolis and The Flash thinks of Keystone City unless it's Central City and the way Wonder Woman cries because she doesn't have a proper city to protect.

Half of the battle is just black panels to make things truly exciting. Unless I meant a different word that isn't any thing like exciting. Is it too late on this blog to declare I've had a traumatic brain injury?

That's exactly what no fear means! I think you're thinking of bravery.

Hal winds up losing just like the other Justice League members lost in The Flash #33. I guess Hal Jordan was too important to be defeated in only a few pages like the other jerks. I had to pay an extra $2.99 to see him get defeated even though I was pretty sure his guts weren't going to be enough to triumph in the one page he got in The Flash.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32 Rating: I'm not sure what to rate the comic book but I rate Hal Jordan 5 out of 68 bats. He said a lot of things that would make one suspect he had the power to back p his words but he didn't. Not even close. I guess even his love for Coast City (which I was beaten over the head with (hey! That's probably why I'm so stupid!)) couldn't rally him to victory. Loser.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Justice League #32

It looks like Ethan initially drew Wonder Woman having a nip slip and it had to be corrected by an intern with a shitty pencil eraser.

That caption was too long. Forgive me but I'm slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable, just like Twitter was hoping! That's why they didn't give us a number count for our Tweets. You can only pay attention to the little circle, making sure to stop halfway to filling it up, for so long before you think, "Just this once, I'll go a little past halfway." Next thing you know, you're thinking, "How did I ever compose a thought in only 140 characters?! Madness!"

This issue begins with Cyborg thinking one thought: "Team." That's a clue to the theme of this issue, boys and other boys who read comic books! I don't mean to suggest that girls don't read comic books! I just know they're smart enough to figure this shit out themselves. Now that I've said that and all the ladies have thought, "Oh! We misjudged Tess! We'll never use the term 'misogynist' in regards to Tess ever again! Such a sweet genius!", I can get back to explaining why Cyborg thinks "Team." If you're not a Writer like me, you might not fully understand the structure of stories — especially comic book stories that need as many short cuts as possible being that they're only twenty pages long and most of those pages don't have very many words on them. Comic book writers like to introduce a thought on the first page, often via a non sequitur or a strained line of reasoning. They'll drop the thought almost immediately but pick it up again on the last page to make it look like their story was about something more than an overly muscled dude or gal beating the crap out of some social outcast that probably has an undiagnosed mental disorder. It makes the book seem way more intelligent than it really is. It's one of my favorite tricks because then I can slip the comic book back in its Mylar sheathe and think, "Boy! That sure was a smart thing I just did and not a thing where I'm grasping at my long departed youth with fingers that have become crone claws over the years even though I don't feel any joy and wonder in it anymore!"

What I'm trying to say in a way that shouldn't open up the dark pain in my heart so the world can glimpse my longing ache for my father's love is that the concept of "team" will be really important this issue! I mean, it's kind of important every issue because this is the Justice League and they're always beating major threats at the last moment by Batman reminding them that they need to work together and everybody going, "Oh yeah!" And then also Batman says, "Not you, Aquaman!" Then everybody laughs. Except for Aquaman. He cries. You've seen that scene a million times even if Batman doesn't say the mean thing on panel. Just realize every time you thought Aquaman was dripping with sea water, those were actually tears.

Since this is Venditti's first time on this book (I think. What am I? Wikipedia?!), he's going straight to the most locally accessible and commonly known well location. He probably got the assignment and was all, "Oh! I know exactly how to write this book! When I'm writing Hal Jordan, I always have to portray him as the opposite of a team because he's a stubborn narcissist with an enormous cock. So I'll write this book by showing how that doesn't always work out as well as it seems to work out for Hal Jordan! I'll focus on how the Justice League is a team!" You see, Venditti has never had an issue with the idea that there are no original thoughts. He just clonked that despairing thought over the head when he went to write comic books and was all, "Who cares if I repeat everything that has been said multiple times in the last seven decades! The turnover rate on comic book readers is like 100% over every five years or so! Except for those sad adult men who continue to read them well into adulthood because they couldn't properly negotiate the trauma induced by their love of their mother and their slide into their hormonal teenage years!"

Team! What I'm trying to say is remember the word "team"! It's going to be important later! Sheesh! Stop trying to distract me by acting as a free public therapist! Although if you are a therapist and you want to engage in dialogue — say an hour or so three times a week? — feel free (free being the operative word). Just to clarify: I said "therapist" and not "the rapist" so if you're thinking about luring me into a situation where you can take sexual advantage of me because of my desperate need for companionship, don't bother commenting! Except maybe to say I have nice eyes or something. That would be nice.

My college Children's Literature professor would be gushing fruit juice from her nether regions right now! Look at all the words I've come up with after having read just one word! She was always adamant that when writing a paper, one should focus on one sentence that can be expanded to explain the entire text. She was always saying things like, "If the protagonist is sleeping on some roots, really think about that! Think about the idea of roots! And ancestors! And how they support us and protect us! And how sometimes they make it hard to sleep because their bony knees are jabbing you in the back until you're all, 'Grandpa! Go back to your own bed!'" I hated that idea because I read books to discuss the books. I don't read books to discuss one sentence in the book! Although she did compliment me on Halloween when I came to class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland. Oh! I think I have a picture of the night before when I went as merely Alice in Wonderland!

To complete the Alice Cooper part, I added the Alice Cooper facial make-up and carried around the bloody, decapitated head of the white rabbit (a larger (stuffed animal!) rabbit than the one pictured. That one lived). Bonus picture: evidence of my problematic friend Soy Rakelson who I've mentioned numerous times on this blog! Just do a search for "Soy Rakelson" so you can enjoy some Soy stories!

Cyborg is thinking about teams because he needs to get his team, the Justice League, back together. When we last left them at the competent hands of Joshua Williamson (did that come across as an insult?), they had been split up and were each being attacked by a separate Batmonster from the Dark Multiverse. See?! That's why the Batmonsters are going to lose. Because they don't consider working as a team a positive. They each want to prove themselves as individuals and that's a weakness the Justice League will exploit! If the Batmonsters were smart, they would have just all gone to see Flash to make sure he died, then they'd go kill Green Lantern, and finally they'd move on to kill Wonder Woman. I didn't leave anybody of note out of that explanation because Superman and Batman are currently lost in the Dark Multiverse.

The first battle that takes place is between Flash and Batflash. Batflash has built a Batflashmobile that runs on the Speed Force. That doesn't just mean it's really fast in the way a person reading a comic book about The Flash having a Flash car would think. No, it means it can do anything the plot demands of it. That's the power of the Speed Force!

Man! Don't get me started on the Speed Force! I'll start myself on it! The Speed Force is what happens when comic books begin to take themselves too seriously and people began thinking about the real world implications of The Flash's power. If The Flash runs at such high speeds then that means he needs to think faster than everybody else as well. But if he can think and react that fast, how can anybody defeat him at all? What happens to his body when he runs at top speed? What if that top speed is the speed of light? What if it's faster? What about time travel? What about his clothing? What about how he can constantly communicate with people while running really fast? I think there were probably more concerns but I never read The Flash. I don't even actually know why the Speed Force came about. You probably shouldn't be using me as any kind of a trusted source in comic book knowledge. Just know that the Speed Force is capable of anything because something was needed to make a guy who could move faster than nearly anything in the universe less boring. Or at least seem kind of interesting in a cosmic way? Maybe that's why they also gave him a huge family. Some editor was all, "We thought it was just Barry that made this character boring! But it's the concept! Make Wally more interesting somehow! Let him fuck that hot reporter! And give him space kids! Or time travel children! Or something! And somebody figure out why his face doesn't melt off when he runs fast or what being struck by lightning has to do with being fast. I mean aside from bolts of lightning being incredibly fast. Are they fast? They are, right? Like instantaneous!" He had to ask that because this imaginary moment comes from a time before the Internet. At least a time before the useful Internet that wasn't mostly AOL chatrooms and Neverwinter Nights bankrupting nerds.

Cyborg doesn't really know that The Flash is currently being rundown by multiple Flashmobiles inside a giant hourglass so he just keeps thinking about his football team analogy. He's all, "What if the running back can't run faster than the big fat defensive ends?! Then the team needs somebody who's angry!" That's when he starts thinking about Aquaman. Wait. That doesn't make sense. Shouldn't Cyborg think, "If the running back can't score, that's when the team must rely on the most boring player on the roster: the kicker!" Then the scene should shift to Aquaman.

Wouldn't all of sports be better without the guy who plays angry? I know the Justice League would! BROZINGA!

The Drowned turned Mera into a sea monster which somehow turns Aquaman's anger against the Justice League. That's not a confusing conclusion I came to. It's what Cyborg had to say about the angry player. Once the angry player is being used against you (like say, the super villain making fun of Aquaman and Batman snickering so that Aquaman turns on the Justice League screaming, "I know what you all think of me! I FUCKING KNOW!"), it's time for the next player! I hope he doesn't say it's time for the cheerleaders to get the crowd in the game and then start talking about Wonder Woman because I think that would be sexist. Also it's definitely something he won't say. Maybe he'll talk about how the defense will need to step up and then it'll be Green Lantern time. Wonder Woman is probably the halftime orange slices.

Instead of continuing with the football metaphor, Cyborg decides to change things up. He says, "Anger can be useful. But the other team can turn it against you. Drag you into a dogfight. When that happens, you brawl." Wait. What? What kind of football do they play in Detroit high schools?! "If we can't run it into the end zone, let's get angry! And if our anger doesn't scare them into letting our running back into the end zone, let's kick their motherloving asses!"

When Cyborg thinks of a brainless brawler, he, of course, thinks of Wonder Woman. That seems dumb. I know he wants to save the quarterback position for Batman but let's think this metaphor through. Wouldn't you want, as quarterback, the person who has the most experience on the field who has been trained by immortal football players who have spent all of their immortal lives training for the big game? Wonder Woman should either be the quarterback or the coach. But instead she's the enforcer? Which, you know, is a hockey term but what am I supposed to think? You don't brawl in football. Sometimes you brawl in hockey though! In football, one guy shoves another guy and then the other guy grabs the first guy's facemask and then a whole bunch of old white guys blow whistles and throw their underwear at them.

I really don't understand football but I do jerk off to it sometimes.

So every member of the home team is getting beat up. The game will be lost shortly unless the coach comes up with a plan. And what better plan when you've got a team than choosing one star player to win the day for you! Oh man! Venditti did the old double loop de loop trick shot on me! He was all, "This is about a team! And teams win by team efforts!" But then he's all, "No, no! Just kidding! It always comes down to the star player and you better believe Hal Jordan is the star player!" I'm not going to ask why Hal Jordan is even in this Metal series. Where are the newbies? It was probably explained earlier but how am I supposed to remember past issues! It's not like I've been rereading my previous commentaries to refresh my memories like I used to. Now I just approach each issue shrugging my shoulders and thinking, "I'll probably remember what was going on by about the sixth or seventh page."

Actually, I probably should have read the rest of the issue before commenting on Green Lantern saving the day. Hal only gets one page because the other characters took too much time losing. Thankfully Hal only needs one page to lose (probably because he's the focus of the next chapter, it being in his comic book and all). After that, Cyborg points out that the team was never going to be able to win because the coach (Cyborg) has been compromised by the other team! Shocking twist!

So in summary, Cyborg thinks football is won on speed, anger, hiring an ancient Amazonian warrior, and guts. I'm not sure he's as smart as DC wants us to think he is.

Justice League #32 Rating: How many of you read that part about me "slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable" and thought, "Fuck you, you long-winded idiot! You've never had a thought that was less than three thousand words and six dick jokes!"?

Thursday, November 16, 2017

The Flash #33

There's a whole voyeuristic shit eating fetish thing going on here that I don't want to think about too deeply.

Why am I reading another issue of The Flash? Because I'm an idiot who can't get enough of these Dark Nights Metal Tie-ins. Speaking of Dark Nights Metal, which is the real title of the series? Is it Metal? Is it Dark Nights? Is it Dark Nights Metal? Maybe it's Tie-in?! Whatever it is, I'm completely hooked. Not because it's gripping entertainment but because I lack the willpower to stop doing things that are harmful to myself.

The issue begins with Barry Allen Narration Boxing "My name is Barry Allen. I'm The Flash." You know, in case this is the first ever issue read by a seven year old immigrant child that was raised in the back woods of a country that is so seventh world that it has yet to be inundated with superhero pop culture. I know that seems far-fetched since 70% of the world economy depends on superhero pop culture but one should never assume everybody knows the titular character's secret identity and how that character often thinks to himself, "I'm me! And as me, I'm also The Flash!" Imagine how poor the world would be without all the blockbuster superhero movies. It's a good thing the cool kids finally decided that comic books weren't for the kids whose heads were constantly almost being flushed down the toilet for unknown reasons. There are adults today who are of a generation that can't even fathom how uncool it was to like comic books or science fiction or Dungeons & Dragons. Although they still think they're being "nerds" or "geeks" by liking the things that were once cause for ostracism and permanent banishment from most human contact (of the non-violent kind, of course). I don't mind them claiming those titles; it's just I don't think they have any idea what it was really like to be on the front lines of enjoying the things they enjoy today while not having their underwear most of the way up their ass and piss in their hair. Of course, now the young kids have other things to worry about. Like saying the wrong thing in front of that one "friend" who will instantly ostracize and permanently banish them from life entirely. Back in my youth, you might get a little banged up for not conforming to the social norms but today, you're just fucking done. And well you should be if you professed enjoyment for something your self-righteous, raving, Jim Jonesesque friend thought was problematic. Keep that shit to yourself, you monster.

I just realized another reason I read terrible comic books! They're a great distraction from our Brave New Shithole World! Thanks, Butthurt Angry Xenophobes! You sure showed them liberals! Y'all are like the heroin-addled downstairs neighbor I had years ago. One day, he had a big blowout fight with his girlfriend with lots of yelling and breaking of things. At one point I heard his girlfriend say, "You're too stupid not to break your own things!" So I guess he really gave it to her good by breaking his own stuff. Just like working class Trump voters!

If you don't want to hear anti-GOP political commentary in your comic book reviews, might I recommend the Weird Science blog? It has the added bonus that their reviews are actual reviews and not just the insane ramblings of a housebound misanthropist. Sure, they're bland and come from people who desperately want to be a serious part of the comic book community so they'll never say anything too harsh about the writing or art of a comic book, even when it's as terrible as Neal Adams' recent Deadman. But they won't call you stupid simply because of your political leanings! At least I don't think they will. I could be wrong. It's not like I've ever read more than a handful of their reviews. But I've read enough to declare the site my nemesis! I should probably interact with them more but they hurt my feelings the last time we had a conversation. One of their zealot followers threatened to slap me with his eight inch penis! And he made sure that I knew his penis is eight inches flaccid! I always knew that tough guy Internet comment monkeys must have the biggest penises. How else could they be confident enough to deliver their scathing rejoinders?!

After Barry identifies himself so that an audience that doesn't exist knows that the red Narration Boxes with the lightning bolt next to them are Barry's thoughts (and that Barry is The Flash because that might also be confusing), he explains that he's currently racing Superman and that Superman has to win. That's a lie. I mean, it's either a lie or poor writing and I don't want to hurt Joshua Williamson's feelings (any more than I may have already by saying his writing is mediocre and generally boring). So let's say it's a lie. Maybe it's an exaggeration of a half-truth so that The Flash can subtly suggest that he always beats Superman when they race. Why wouldn't he?! He's known as The Fasterest Man Alive! Why wouldn't Superman's lawyers shut that shit down if Superman were faster? I suppose, in the same way Superman is smarter than Batman but he lets Batman think Batman's smarter, Superman is just a good guy who enjoys letting his friends shine.

So they aren't racing. That's what I'm trying to say. They're both going really fast because The Flash needs to fling Superman into the Dark Universe. Mind you, nobody has ever willingly traveled to the Dark Universe before this. But when has not knowing how to do something that's never been done stopped a superhero from doing the impossible? Everybody knows that if The Flash just runs fast enough, he can justify any plot point. So that's what happens! He runs super fast and then Fastball Specials Superman into the Dark Universe.

Afterward, The Flash gives Steel the "I have a huge boner" eyes.

After Superman disappears into a black hole which certainly leads to the Dark Universe because reasons, Gorilla Grodd attacks the city. But it turns out it's not Grodd at all but a hungry person who just needed to eat a Snickers. It's a weird moment but it's good to see superheroes actually doing some good and helping regular folks for a change.

Steel contemplates fucking the Anti-Monitor's giant butt plug but The Flash argues against it. It's too dangerous! He points out that Batman fiddling with it is why they're in the mess they're in. I'm not sure they can really blame Batman though. Didn't they read Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1? Batman was manipulated by Barbatos for his entire life. I bet Barbatos even manipulated the radiation around Thomas and Martha Wayne so that Martha only had one viable Bat-egg and Thomas, one viable Bat-sperm.

The other members of the Justice League are all on missions to find Nth Metal. Remember when that happened in Metal? It was just before Detective Chimp was murdered by BatJoker. I know that Detective Chimp never dies on-panel but what other result should readers expect?! That maybe Detective Chimp jerked off all the Bat-monsters so he'd be spared? I suppose that's something that would take place off-panel, so I can't argue against that being what happened. Also I don't want to argue against that being what happened.

It doesn't matter what the other Justice League members were doing because they all get sucked up in Evil Boom Tubes. I'm sure they'll get back to their missions in the next issue of Metal. But for now, they need to fight some of the Bat-monsters to a stalemate so it seems like Metal is full of more action than it really needs.

I'd like to scan a picture of some of the big battles that take place but I can't because they don't exist. Okay, one exists. Doombat and Cybat beat the shit out of Steel and send The Flash into a dark room. The other Justice League members also find themselves in this room. This is probably the hell that the bats must get out of. And by bats, I don't think the title refers to the Batmonsters. I think the bats refer to the Justice League members who aren't Batman. It makes sense because fuck you. It's a clever take on a known phrase! People read it and go, "Oh yeah! I've heard people say that! It was even a Meatloaf album!"

The hells they wind up in are different versions of the Batcave where they're all individually attacked by the Batmonster inspired partly by each of them. And that's where the issue ends because this was all prologue to the big action scene. And in comics, the big action scene is the only reason people keep reading them! So exciting!

The Flash #33 Rating: 4 out of 10. It might earn a higher score if it had left out all of that Narration Boxing. A writer's use of Narration Boxes tends to make it so the writer doesn't need to write a script for a comic book. They just write the plot out through the character's rendition of what happened and leave it like that. It's also the way a writer can force a theme into the story's unwilling orifice. So The Flash, through Narration Boxes, tells a story about how he races Superman. Then that leads to him saying that Batman always advises him to run faster which leads to the big twist conclusion where The Flash points out that he's hearing Batman again but he's telling him there's nowhere to run! It's classic Flash storytelling! Just mention running as much as you can and equate it to whatever the fuck else is going on. Then finish it off by saying, "See? See what I did there? Clever, right?!"

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1

It turns out he's not in Purgatory at all but on a corporate island retreat full of Volkswagen buses.

I'm exhausted by the Internet. The world was already a terrible place when I simply assumed most of the people living in it were idiots. But then the Internet had to come along and prove it! Thanks a lot, Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and Blogger! Giving everybody a voice always seemed like such a perfect way to level the playing field. Instead it's collapsed the playing field into a dense black hole composed of the opinions of the truly stupid where no truth can escape.

I know what you're thinking and you'd better stop thinking that! My site is an ironic parody of a postmodern satire! My thoughts are supposed to be stupid! But then that causes its own problems because I wind up getting comments from people who wouldn't know ironic parodies of postmodern satires if an ironic parody of a postmodern satire showed them its dick. Which my ironic parody of a postmodern satire wouldn't do, by the way! I always wait until a woman shows me her vagina before I run screaming from the room to rock in a corner mumbling, "This is not happening. This is not happening." I don't even show my dick to my doctor until I absolutely have to. Which is a problem in itself! Hasn't my doctor heard that rocking in a corner mumbling "This is not happening" means no? Why would my doctor have to look at my dick anyway? I've never heard of dick cancer before! And I don't want to so don't post any links to the dick cancer Wikipedia page!

Did I sound smart by calling my blog an ironic parody of a postmodern satire? I hope it actually means something intelligent and isn't some kind of double negative statement that simply winds up sucking its own dick. Like a horny algebraic Ouroboros!

This is how Batman Lost begins:

J. Jonah Jameson? Batman really is lost!

For some reason, a little girl named Janet calls Jonah "Bruce." Instead of raving about Spider-man, he decides to read her a story about Batman. The story is supposedly Batman's first story, historically, but it winds up being Batman's first story, chronologically. It's about Batman's trip to the ancient past where he established a tribe that would ultimately cause the end of the world. Hawkman tried to stop him but Hawkman is terrible and can't stop anybody. I mean, he might wind up being the big hero in Metal. But that's okay because Metal is already so stupidly unbelievable (even in comic book terms!) that Hawkman saving the day won't have a detrimental effect.

Bruce is confused by his first story but he has somebody to help narrate it for him: somebody who looks like one of the Endless poorly cosplaying Batman. It's also possible she's the Queen of the Owls since she's wearing goggles that look like owl eyes made from a carton of eggs by a kindergartener and she's wearing an owl pellet around her neck. Bruce is all, "But this story is not the story that I'm currently storying!" And Delight is all, "Don't you know how comic books work, dumbie?! Every story gets taken out of context and reshaped by another writer to get tons of fangender love. They're always all, 'Remember this story from so long ago? Well this is what it really meant in the context of my new and awesome comic book idea!'" Then Batman makes a fart noise and Delight chuckles.

Batman sees a wolf's head and screams. He finds himself in the far future where a tribe of Robins spend their lives discussing whether or not Batman was good for them. Did he make their life better? Was he abusive? Was he just another piece of the patriarchy cursing them with his rich white privilege? Why did he have to be so mean to the mentally ill? Why was Batman, in any sense, the hero of the story when the sidekicks were the angst mirrors for the teenaged readers? Wasn't Tynion's vision of the Bat-family the best because it made Batman look like a huge asshole, even though it made Tim Drake even more boring than he's always been (no matter how impossible that might seem)?" But Batman, knowing he's just trapped in the Dark Multiverse and hallucinating, doesn't take any of the Robin's shit seriously. So, you know, like the regular universe.

Actually Batman arrives in a world that was ruined because he refused to kill people and Damian has become Hawkdevil. I guess the Dark Multiverse wants Batman to seriously consider killing so that maybe Batman will turn the regular universe into a Dark Multiverse and then the Dark Multiverse won't be relegated to the back of the map like a Dairy Queen advert.

Batman's dream takes a wet turn.

For some reason I fell asleep after this page. You'll have to be content with "for some reason" because I don't want to overwhelm you with my masturbation rituals.

Anyway, Batman sees more worlds that never existed because it's easier to pretend that this Metal story can be extracted from the comic book history of Batman if Snyder tells you about the worlds that would be created by Batman's fears rather than showing how the past stories all have hints that lead to the Metal story arc. It's not a bad issue but it's certainly not the kind of reshaping of past stories that makes you think, "Aha! That totally makes sense in the new context! Brilliant, Morrison!"

Batman Lost #1 Rating: It's one of the better Metal tie-ins but it still feels like Snyder and company are trying too hard to justify how Metal works in the context of Batman's comic book legacy. Instead of getting concrete examples of past stories that lead the reader into thinking that Metal fits seamlessly into Batman's history, the reader gets Barbatos explaining that he totally Harvested Batman from day one. So instead of showing how Batman was manipulated by recontextualizing some of his stories, instead the writers choose to simply have Barbatos say, "I manipulated you at every step of the way. Remember that one time you thought you were a great detective? I convinced you to be that! Remember that time you did that other thing that I'm not explicitly mentioning? I was responsible for that! From the dawn of time when I first saw you until this moment, it was all a plan to free me from the Dark Multiverse! Harvest-Schmarvest! I'm the greatest fucking man with a plan to ever exist in the DC Universe!" But if you aren't an overcritical asshole who apparently doesn't find any wonder or charm in comic books anymore, you might really enjoy this Metal Tie-in!

Thursday, November 9, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Five

I've probably dragged this out too long, haven't I?

The next story is called "Stray Arrow" and I should like it since Green Arrow is murdered in it. But I just found it confusing! Black Canary kills a guy who sexually assaults her and then later she kills Green Arrow for not attempting to sexually assault her. It's so confusing! It's a good thing the story was written by a man or else I would assume women sometimes want men to sexually assault them and sometimes don't want men to sexually assault them and if the man guesses wrong, he'll be killed. Although would that be all that bad? Oh wait. Yeah, it would. Because men already act like women want to be sexually assaulted all the time! If they thought they might die if they didn't sexually assault a woman, things would only escalate.

I think men would have less of a problem with sexual assault if they realized that the things they wish women would do to them are not the things women want in return. Like, I was at a party one time and this woman followed me into the bathroom (oh! That reminds me of another time I was at a different party and a different woman followed me into the bathroom! Is this some kind of secret horny woman ritual?!) and proceeded to stick her hand down the front of my pants. As a guy, I didn't think, "Oh whoa! I'm being sexually assaulted!" No, I thought, "Oh whoa! My penis is being touched!" See? That's the problem with guys. They often can't even tell when they're being molested because having your penis touched by somebody new feels amazing!

The other time I was followed into the bathroom, I fought her off. Not physically, of course! Why would I punch a sexy woman in overalls who was just trying to get a look at my penis?! I just evaded the subject (the subject what her mouth would do to my penis) because my cousin (who was also at the party) brought her there as his date. Later she followed me into a second bathroom and I still didn't succumb to her succubussy temptation! Man, do I regret that decision now! Although my cousin did get crabs from her, so good choice, young me! Although would I have really caught crabs from a blow job? They don't live in the mouth, right?! And I don't remember her having a mustache.

Another time, I was at a bar in Los Gatos and this woman at the bar kept making eyes at me. After last call when everybody was standing up to leave, she tackled me into the back room and collapsed on top of me in a booth while trying to suck out my entrails through my mouth. Hitting on men sure is easy for women because men are such horny beasts! Women can do whatever they want with us and we're, generally, just going to go, "Oh whoa! Get ready, penis!" I suppose it would have been different if she shoved me down face first and proceeded to stick a pool cue into my asshole. I probably would have considered that assault, depending on whether or not she used lube.

But men should never mistake these kinds of moves for moves they can pull on women! I know it's hard being a guy who women don't want to constantly maul (I mean, I assume it is? Because how would I know?! I'm like a big fat salmon at the starving bear convention to these ladies!) but you still can't be sexually aggressive. You just have to be patient until a woman decides she wants your disgusting dick touching her soft, supple flesh. Just remember that sex is always the lady's choice. And most ladies, even when they're hungry, don't want to eat pizza out of a dumpster. So stop looking and acting like dumpster pizza. And if you can't help looking like dumpster pizza because you got the shitty end of life's looks stick, you're going to have to...well, I don't fucking know what. This isn't an advice blog! I suppose there's somebody out there for you. Men aren't the only ones who occasionally look and smell like dumpster pizza. Go find a dumpster pizza woman. But you still have to wait for her to make the hand down the front of the pants move!

Man, I should teach a college course on relationships! I'm almost 100% certain that nothing I just wrote was offensive at all and possibly the most mature and responsible thing I've ever written!

It was definitely more sensitive and less tone deaf than that "Stray Arrow" story!

The next story is about Two-Face and is called "Unmasked." It's written by Wrath James White which must be a pen name, right? Who names their kid Wrath?! I'm not even sure I want to read his story now! Wrath! How ridiculous!

The artist has a tough time drawing men with their arms down.

This story basically winds up telling the same story as the Batman story! The supposed hero winds up being the villain and we learn some kind of lesson in the revelation of that absurdity! Nobody knows their true nature or something. We're all monsters underneath the make-up of civilization! When we least expect it, we'll find ourselves cutting the faces off of innocent people. Man, now I'm afraid of myself.

"Stray Arrow" and "Unmasked" Ratings: They were so bland that I can barely even remember reading them and I just read them like five minutes ago! Maybe I'll read the Billy Batson one before I decide to do a Part Six just to see if it's interesting enough to talk about. As if I ever actually talk about the stories I read! Ha ha! Why do people think I write comic book reviews?!

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Four

This comic book can't compete with the horror I saw on the Internet just mere moments ago.

I'm not sure if I should reveal the horrific thing I saw because it might provide too much insight into my petty and jealous nature! Oh, what the hell! I once admitted to masturbating into the bathroom sink on this blog so why not admit this? Not that that masturbation story was true! It was totally one of those times I was lying to keep the reader guessing as to what I'm actually capable of!

Anyway, I was looking for ammunition in my war and decided to check out my Nemesis Comic Book Blog's Patreon page and discovered this:

This is proof that God exists and he hates me, right?

I realize that their Patreon is for their Podcast (probably terribly boring if their reviews are any indication (but I've never listened so, once again, my petty nature is showing! (I mean, do they masturbate on mic or something? What's the draw?!))) and I'm constantly pointing out how nobody gives a shit about written material anymore. But I guess people will listen to practically anything? Looking at the numbers, you're probably wondering how much people are willing to pay these guys every month. They've got about thirty people paying twenty dollars per month to hear their podcasts. That's the kind of money people pay to care for abandoned dogs, Shriner Kids, and starving Africans! Who would pay that kind of money for podcasts? My guess is these guys have a lot of Aunts and Uncles who don't know the value of a dollar.

Man, now I look like an envious jerk! I never wanted anybody to see that side of me! I mean, really, I'm happy simply knowing that my lost foreskin has more interesting things to say than these guys. I think. I mean, I haven't seen my foreskin since I was an infant. But I'm sure it's gone on to do great things. I bet it's the sidekick on some podcast that delves into the deeper, darker themes inherent in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines.

Speaking of Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, I haven't mentioned that I'm reading the Garth Ennis mini-series. The only thing I have to point out is how Pig One sounds like (and is an anagram of) Pigeon. Stop that Pig One, stop that Pig One, stop that Pig One. HOOOOOWWWWWW?!

Do you get that kind of insight in that stupid podcast? Hmm, you know what? I bet you do. I need to be more cleverer!

Anyway, now I'm too depressed to even continue warring with these guys. Besides, judging by their retorts in our recent Deadman #1 battle, they're just not on my level. I waste enough time doing idiotic shit anyway. I'd rather play Call of Duty than read more inane responses from those guys.

The next horror tale that doesn't involve my pride is called "Blackest Night." Sure, a story about what just happened to my pride could probably use that title. It might also use the title "Blogger Found Dead in Apartment After Discovering Incomprehensible News." I mean, I hope it doesn't use that title. We'll just have to see how the rest of the night progresses.

The story begins with John Constantine blowing his brains out. So that's two people shooting themselves in the face in the space of a few pages. This comic book is more depressing than horrific. Although I guess the two go hand-in-hand since I feel pretty fucking depressed after that horrific shit I told you about previously.

Things really have to be bad if Constantine has run out of tricks. Hal Jordan seems to be the last non-zombified human left but it's only a matter of time before he changes since he's been bitten. He probably hasn't changed yet because his will is so strong. That's the kind of insight I bet that podcast doesn' wait. I just realized that's about the first thing anybody learns about Green Lantern other than that his uniform is green. Most people probably don't know why he's a member of a space organization that uses an antique Earth lantern as the model for their power batteries. It's a good litmus test for whether or not I'll get along with somebody. If one of their first questions is "What the fuck is up with that stupid lantern?" then I'll probably get along with them. Although "getting along with somebody" is basically just me not immediately telling somebody to fuck straight off. It'll probably take a few more opinions from them before I smell how fucking stupid and boring they are.

Hal Jordan's ring finger was bitten off by The Flash so Hal has to eviscerate zombie Flash to get it back. After he goes through all that trouble to get his ring back so he can save the Earth, the Justice League headquarters on the moon blows up and he dies. Everybody on Earth dies. The end!

Blackest Night Rating: I'm sure glad most comic book editors don't allow the writers to kill the heroes every issue or else this is how they'd end every story. They'd create a story which they were incapable of figuring out an end for and then just kill everyone. I guess it works? This is a horror anthology, after all. And what's more horrible than a story that doesn't have a decent ending? Stephen King made a career out of it!

Now I feel bad for burning Stephen King! What did he do to deserve my anger?! Aside from writing The Tommyknockers, that is.

DC House of Horror #1, Part Three

How is Wonder Woman playing the fiddle horrific?

I probably don't even have to finish reading the rest of this book. I certainly don't need to comment on it. Judging by the first two, it's just going to be six more stories of heroes being not heroic. Which, now that I think about it, isn't any different than the heroes in DC's canonical universe! Here's how about 95% of all of DC's stories go: a villain decides to get revenge against a hero by killing loads of people or maybe just one of the hero's friends or maybe just some animals in the zoo. I mean, it could be anything. But the main point is that the villain's sole motivation is to hurt the hero. The hero saves his or herself while destroying lots of property and probably not saving a few people's lives. Somebody has to die or else the reader wouldn't feel any tension. Afterward, the hero says, "You're welcome for me saving the day!" The people cheer, less and less after each attack, until finally somebody with a microphone starts talking about how dangerous the hero is. That person is usually seen as a paranoid asshole or a conniving politician or just another villain trying to take down the hero. But that person is also usually right because DC's heroes are almost exclusively using their powers just to save themselves. So far this House of Horror anthology has just taken out the middle man villains! Clark is unable to save Ma and Pa Kent from himself and Wonder Woman manages to not be able to save a bunch of civilians from herself. Not being able to save victims from themselves is practically the same as not being able to save victims from the villains who are attacking the heroes.

The third story is called "Crazy for You" and it's about Harley Quinn. She's not really a hero but we've all been pretending she is because people like her so much. It's like how Lobo is working for Justice League America now. If a villain gets popular enough, they always have to change sides because you can't have a comic book celebrating a character murdering tons of innocent people. I mean, you can! But I think Marvel and DC haven't fully realized the extent of their power ever since they 69ed the Comics Code Authority. I mean 86ed! Maybe 69ed as well. If they did that, who would know since it wouldn't be published for breaking the Comics Code Authority's rules.

Please nobody masturbate to this.

The story is about a guy from the pre-Comics Code Authority days who murders the fuck out of his girlfriend and probably cuts up her eyes in some really graphic close-ups. They loved that shit back then! After he's done it, he begins to hallucinate Harley Quinn and her sexy euphemisms. She's all, "Whose beaver did she stuff to get your Mike Cock in a ruffle?!" Then she scissors Poison Ivy for three pages straight.

The implication that vanilla is boring is bullshit. Has she ever tasted vanilla?! I rest my case!

I've been rewatching The Flight of the Conchords recently and I think Jemaine Clement might be my most favorite person in the world. He's just adorable. Also, that bit where Bret goes into the Boom song and he tells Koko that she's so hot she's making him sexist? Fucking brilliant.

Instead of reviewing comic books, I should just remind people of moments in television shows that I really loved. Like that time the Native American kid was impressed that Bobby Brady put beans in a flashlight? Fucking awesome.

Chuck, the guy who killed his wife, remembers how he met the ghost of Harley Quinn. He saw her naked in the shower which caused Harley Quinn to fall in love with him. I wish a hot naked ghost would fall in love with me. But no! I just get ugly, half-decomposed monsters. There's only so many times you can jerk off to one of those doing a sexy dance in the living room.

The story ends with the reader realizing that poor Chuck is going to be tormented by sexy Harley Quinn's ghost for the rest of his life. And he's upset by this! What is wrong with him? Harley offered to strip for him right in this comic book and he flips the fuck out. I guess he's gay. That's probably why he killed his wife. What a totally gay thing to do.

The next story is called "Last Laugh." It stars Batman and, presumably (judging by the title), The Joker. I hope it ends with somebody sucking somebody else's you-know-what. I meant for that to represent the butthole but I just realized most of you probably thought penis. I'll be more clear in the future.

The story begins with Bruce Wayne thinking about that Confucius saying about a man seeking revenge needing to dig two graves. Bruce concludes with "So that man with revenge on his mind...what does he do? He gets himself a big shovel." Spoken like a guy whose never done any physical labor in his life! He thinks a regular shovel is only good for digging one grave!

Bruce is loading a gun when The Joker's voice begins tormenting him. I'm suspecting that the revelation will be that The Joker was always just another side of Bruce Wayne and Bruce finally realized it. So now he has to eat a bullet to save Gotham.

I just finished the story and that's it exactly. When was the last time I called myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? Why doesn't anybody else call me that? Don't they see my greatness?! Fucking peons! I'll ruin you all! Starting with the peasants at Weird Science! Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Whoa. What just happened? I hope this doesn't mean I have to eat a bullet now too?

Crazy For You and Last Laugh Ratings: These two stories were better than the previous two stories. At least the Batman one took a premise and made a pretty nice little tale out of it. It's not like we haven't seen that premise before. I think Buffy did one where some demon tried to convince her she was crazy and just fantasizing about being a vampire slayer. And I can't remember the other times we've seen this but I've mentioned them before when my mind worked better. Back in the mid-90s, I began a book about Christopher Robin in a mental institution and all of his stuffed animals were also inmates. You know what I'd like to see? A dark version of H.R. Pufnstuf. H.R. Giger Pufnstuf! Anyway, the Harley story was pretty good because it made me imagine having a sexy ghost around all the time. But it sort of ended like the writer didn't know how to end it. It was less a story and more a moment in the life of Chuck's spiral into madness.

Monday, November 6, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part Two (AKA A Review of Netflix's The Mist)

It looks like Batman is fucking Flash while Flash fucks Green Lantern while Green Lantern, covered in semen, jerks off a candle.

Netflix seems to have purchased everything Stephen King ever did and they're churning it out en masse for people with little regard to quality. Maybe I'm beginning this review too harshly since I've only watched Gerald's Game (which wasn't terrible and actually a bit interesting since I always thought of it as the one King story that could never become a movie because the main character spends the entire time dehydrating in bed) and The Mist (which was terrible and I'll get into the whyness of it in a second). I think the last Stephen King book I read was the final chapter of the Gunslinger Saga. Up until then, I believe I'd read every book of his published aside from Danse Macabre (which I just recently finally read). It's possible I didn't read a bunch of his novels that weren't related to the Gunslinger Saga near the end of that series' run. What I'm trying to say is that there was a definite time in my life when I was a fan if not a complete fangender. It may be the book I've reread the most even though it never makes my list of top books. I love it to death but I think using the analogy of a sewer gang bang to transition the main characters from childhood into adulthood so they could escape the grasp of It might have soured the enough to keep it from ever being a top ten favorite. I'm glad they excluded that bit from the movie. I'm pretty sure it wasn't in the TV mini-series as well but I can't remember it enough to be sure. I do remember that prior to the series airing on television, I had all the little TV Guide advertisements for it posted on my wall. But this isn't about my relationship with Stephen King. This is about DC House of Horror #1. Just kidding! It's mostly going to be my thoughts on Netflix's The Mess! I mean The Mist!

The Mist is a mediocre experience at best and an awful waste of time at worst. Not only is it poorly written; the writers make some of the worst, tone-deaf character choices in the current social climate. While I'm entirely for a world where we can watch a television show and the bisexual guy can be the demented rapist while the popular quarterback is the misunderstood martyr, we're not quite in a climate of equality where that's just another possible twist to the plot. Even if the bisexual kid didn't turn out to be the monster (I'd have put a spoiler warning here but you'll know the kid is the monster halfway through the first episode. Unless it was the second episode. Anyway, it's not as big a surprise as, I think, the writers wanted it to be), it says something about the way we see in stereotypical ways that the story expects us to believe the high school quarterback is a total date raper. Oh, and for good measure, the homophobic football player? Self-hating gay.

So the character choices are poor from a purely casual viewing standpoint. But when you notice Harvey Weinstein's name listed as an executive producer in the credits, the entire show takes on an even darker and more disturbing tone than I think anybody involved in the project realized. Let me explain.

The show is purportedly about a young girl of sixteen who gets drugged at a party and raped. Immediate suspicion falls on the high school quarterback who has shown interest in her and who is the only person onscreen shown giving her alcohol. What you realize by the end of the series is that the show wasn't about this girl at all. The main arc (which, I suppose, can be argued since the show does tend to have quite a few arcs, being that it's a large cast) winds up being about the high school quarterback, a male who was accused of rape and judged by the entire town even though he winds up being innocent. And what happens to this town that has rushed to judgment? A fog of confusion descends upon them, befuddling their ability to see the truth and act rationally. Everybody who blames the righteous guy who was accused of rape gets their comeuppance in the end. Mostly they're just made to look like assholes but some of them die horribly! Ha ha! In your face, society that doesn't understand how big shot executive producers and high school quarterbacks are almost assuredly innocent of any accusations of rape!

Not only is the high school quarterback innocent, we see that nearly everybody else in town is a terrible person. The mist exposes the hypocrisies inherent in all the people who would judge a person accused of rape before the DNA proves that it was the bisexual freak that nobody likes who did the raping. Obviously! Nobody likes that guy! Even the guy who fucks him doesn't like him!

I believe the show tries to avoid the whole fake rape accusation motif by never actually having the teenage girl accuse anybody specifically. She just knows she was raped after she wakes up from being drugged. But the whole town suddenly knows, somehow, that she fingered the high school quarterback (not like that, you sick perverts!) and they all turn on her. But, as far as I can remember, nobody ever blames him. The town just assumes he's the guy she's going to blame because, well, he's the high school quarterback! Who's more rapey than that?! I believe the bisexual kid is the one to say he witnessed it but he never really gets to tell the cops because the mist begins eating them all before he can give an actual statement. But even if the writers can stick a finger in our faces and say, "No! No! We did not write a show where nobody believes the victim! We wrote a show with a big twist and an evil villain who framed the quarterback so well that the town couldn't believe any other story other than the raped girl was a big fat liar!" Then the writer would look confused by their own plot synopsis and, hopefully, retire to manage a convenience store.

That's the worst part about the show. But there are many other terrible plot points. The mist itself is bullshit. The characters spend a good chunk of time inside the mist without any ill effect. And when they do, it turns out the mist is just a metaphor for the internalized guilt of whatever the character is feeling guilty about, or maybe it works on there fears too. Or something. It's hard to tell. I don't think the mist, as a character, was written any better than any of the other characters. It simply becomes a way to scare the shit out of the townspeople so that the viewers can see that the true monster is ourselves. So Senator Clay Aiken strangles the mother of a child that was killed for wanting to hear a stupid story about a stupid owl and the sheriff locks people in a church and burns it down and the crazy bird lady sends people on a misguided quest to become atheists and the pastor tries to force everybody to believe in God and the doctor wants to experiment on people and the brother wants to talk about how often he fucked his brother's wife before they were married and the bisexual kid's father wants to punish his kid until he's heterosexual and the mother of the raped girl is jealous of her daughter's love for her father who isn't actually her father anyway because her father is the cop which makes the high school quarterback her half-brother. Jesus Christ! I can't believe I watched this whole show!

At least I think I watched the whole thing. It ends with everybody still in the mist and realizing that the local government military organization is dumping people into the mist to feed it. Because the military is always behind any shit that goes wrong and wipes out the world. Who else has the money and power to cause this kind of destruction? Just once, I wish it would turn out to be the Girl Scouts.

The Mist was once made into an interactive fiction game which was terrible but still better than this. The worst part about the game was that many of the puzzles that needed to be solved were just giant bugs coming out of the mist that needed to be dealt with. I remember playing the game until I was stymied at every turn by a creature I couldn't get past. I thought, "If I only had a weapon, maybe I could get by some of these creatures!" So I went into the administration office and simply typed "TAKE GUN." And bingo! I had a gun! I'm not sure if the gun was ever clued in anywhere or you just had to inquire about a gun on your own. I've never revisited the game because after that, it was a simple matter of shooting everything to escape. I think I even shot the crazy lady running about the grocery store gaining a large mob of followers. I don't think that ended well but it was satisfying.

In conclusion, The Mist was terrible and I watched it all.

And so on to the comic book!

The second story is called "Man's World." It's about Wonder Woman and it's also plotted by Keith Giffen but written by somebody else. The writer is Mary Sangiovanni whom I don't recognize. The artist is Bilquis Evely whom I do recognize but know nothing about. The story is probably about what would happen if Wonder Woman came to our world to kick ass and chew testicles. Is that horror or would that simply be justice?

Here, a woman smells her fingers for some mysterious and sexy reason.

I'm sorry for that previous caption! The only reason I said it was probably sexy was because she is a woman and I'm objectifying her. I smell my fingers for decidedly non-sexy reasons all the time!

If anybody is interested in my life away from my blog, you can visit me intellectually debating the guys at the weird science comic book review blog on their review of Deadman #1. I'd forgotten that they were supposed to be my nemeses! But I remembered! Oh how I remembered!

The woman smelling her fingers has been possessed by Wonder Woman because she took part in a Milton Bradly sponsored seance.

See?! You probably thought I was being facetious about the chewing testicles part! It's a known fact!

It's too bad I just scanned two images so closely together because the next page contains a nipple and a bare butt! The nipple is in shadow but you can still see the shape of it! I don't know why I'm using an exclamation point for that revelation. Back in the pre-Internet days, it would have been a glorious find for a young kid. But now, it's as tame as if the panel depicted a basket of kittens.

The girl possessed by Wonder Woman kills all of her friends and everybody she meets before getting home and killing her abusive father. She also says a bunch of stuff in Greek. I bet she's saying things like, "I'm here to kick ass and chew testicles! Mmm! So good!"

Nope. I was wrong. The first thing Wonder Woman says after possessing the girl is "Where am I, witches?" Then she kills the witches. Later after her killing the girl's dad, she says, "The world of man is Hell. It is going to be a glorious war."

Man's World Rating: Are these stories horrific? I guess so. Imagine if Superman were a confused toddler scared out of his wits when he arrived on Earth? He probably would kill everybody by accident in his fits of terror. And Wonder Woman suddenly coming to man's world without any context except what she's been told about why the Amazons can't leave the island? She'd be ready for some serious clean up! And she only killed the women at the beginning because they were obviously witches. Some women, you just can't trust. So you get what we had here in this story. I don't like it any more than you women.

Sunday, November 5, 2017

DC House of Horror #1, Part One

Is it really appropriate for DC to release a horror title when we're living in America in 2017?

Some of you across the globe may have noticed that we Americans have a gun problem. You might be thinking, at times (like every day when The Fake News reports a mass shooting in America), "Why don't they do something about that problem? Don't they like not being shot while out in public?" I wouldn't blame you for coming up with such a naive thought about such a complex problem! I mean, you can't just not let people have as many guns as they want! That would be anti-freedom. And if there's one thing Americans love more than praying they don't get shot when they go out for coffee, it's freedom! Occasionally you'll hear some Americans express the opinion that maybe we shouldn't allow people to own so many bullets and the machines that hurtle those bullets through the air at deadly velocity. But those voices can't really do anything about the problem. You see, we're not just a country with a gun problem; we're a country in a hostage situation. The people who own guns and want more guns and think guns should be everywhere so we're safer won't engage in any kind of debate about the problem. Why should they? They have a gun and you should just shut your fucking mouth, you snowflake. Besides, you haven't heard their side of the argument yet or else you'd stop wishing for better gun control. So stop being naive until you've sat down and heard why we need guns. I'm going to explain it to you. After you read this, you'll go away thinking, "Oh yeah! That makes sense! I wish my country had easier access to guns! Go guns!"

First off, you might have heard about the Second Amendment. It gives us the right to sit on a throne of guns while we eat off of a television tray made of guns and pick our teeth with even smaller guns when we're done. And even though we have the freedom of speech, you don't have the right to tell me I'm an asshole for living in my house of guns with my car made of guns that's powered by bullets. And more guns, probably. I suppose, maybe, if I'm being intellectually honest with you, you sort of have the right to say that since it's also in the Constitution. But I can probably shoot you with my gun for saying that, especially if I'm in Florida because I'm just standing my ground and I felt threatened by your hate speech. Or maybe you didn't say anything and you just rolled your eyes when I said "Woo boy! Guns!" That was threatening too and I have the right to shoot you with my constitution. I mean gun. So right off the bat, your argument about gun control is invalid because the Constitution. But I'll explain the situation some more for you stubborn cretins who haven't read the one small section of the Constitution that I understand and that you can't take away even though it's called an Amendment and I have a vague notion that some of our Amendments have themselves been amended to make the country better.

But let's get to the meat of the problem. People who don't like guns are snowflakes because they're scared of something that can't actually kill people all by itself. What do they think a gun is, the doll from Child's Play? Like it's going to get off the throne of guns that I made for it and shoot them in the face! It's fucking ridiculous. They're too scared to own a gun to protect themselves from the blacks who are the ones who make guns kill people. I mean, if I was forced to get rid of my guns, how would I protect my family from the blacks who are all in gangs and are constantly shooting up Chicago and each other? How would I protect my VCR and my collection of antique guns? If guns were outlawed, only blacks would own guns! I mean outlaws! Having to protect myself from the inevitable home invasion is the main reason to own a gun. And if we as a country have to deal with mass shootings every single day so that I don't have to feel unsafe due to the constant crush of my daily racist thoughts, that's just the price we as Americans have to pay. Besides, I'll have a gun in a situation when things go to shit and I'll save the fucking day with my gun! Which, again, is why we all need guns! Sure, I have to occasionally squash down the desire to pull it out when a customer service representative at a non-gun store gets smarmy with me but it's not like I'll ever let my rage get out of control like that. I pretended to take a gun safety class, after all!

Aside from the criminals who are probably going to steal all of my shit if they knew the government had kept me from buying an AR-15, we also have to worry about the government in this country. Right after they take our guns away, they're going to send us all to death camps and force us into gay marriages. So I need my gun to keep my government honest! They sure as shit had better pass all those laws that help out the rich while my family suffers or my local militia is going to give them what-for! Maybe not immediately because half of them might be drunk on Budweiser and the other half are probably locked in the bathroom having severe meat shits from our terrible diets. But we'll march in the public with our guns waving and our flags, um, waving and them cops won't do shit because they're cowards. I mean, they're great people who keep us safe from the blacks. But they better not try to take my gun, the fascists!

Another reason we need so many guns is Obama. Did you hear about how he fucked up our country for eight years? And then Hillary! And the Benghazi emails! That's why we need so many guns.

So in conclusion, the people who need to make gun control a reality in this country are the people who want to use and keep their guns. They control the narrative and they're the ones who should be demanding that these mass shootings end. But they won't do it. Not because they're snowflakes or whiny babies or can't feel safe without a death machine by their beds or any other reason that might make them look less like a rational adult who can handle life's problems without having to utterly destroy something. No, it's because they're protecting us all from the evil government. And so what if the government hasn't been the ones shooting innocent people on a daily basis and it's been the citizens who can get a gun as easy as they can get gum. I bet if guns were taken away and all the mass shootings by citizens stopped, the government would take over and do even worse mass shootings. So see? We need the guns and we won't give them up no matter how much wringing of their garments and demands for gun control the people who don't give a shit about guns and never think about guns on those few days of the year where just the right amount of people have been shot so that none of the shootings make the Fake News. Those people are hostages to the people who must have guns out of fear of the evil government or the out of control criminals (who are less likely to be black or Muslim or Mexican than white but that also is part of the nonsense of belief kept in the minds of the fearful...I mean brave gun owners).

People who refuse to even consider any kind of gun control don't give a shit about mass shootings but they're the ones who should, and the only ones who can get something to change. They're the ones who should be having the discussion because if they want to keep the right, they should come up with the plan for a safer America that doesn't sorely infringe on their gun ownership. What more can a non-gun person do but say "Do something! Anything!" They can't force them to give up their guns because they're outgunned! Instead, we're all hostages. Because the gun owners think that if a mass shooting erupts around them, they'll have a gun and stop it and they'll be safe no matter what. Basically they blame the victims for not being armed. So they shrug and think more guns are the answer and all the people who get shot in a shooting are dumb sheep who should have known better. They'll willingly trade the safety of people who don't carry a gun for their right to carry a gun. Even if that argument is pure bullshit and they'll never fucking stop a mass shooting no matter how many times they've imagined the scenario in their mind while jerking off with their guns.

Commercial break.

Now that it's after the commercial break, I'm a new program with a different voice and I'd like to apologize to African Americans for accusing you of wanting to steal my VCR. That was satire in the voice of an NRA Snowflake who totally thinks all gun crime is black crime. I know you don't really want my VCR. I don't even want my VCR. I mean, also, we know who the actual criminals are because they know they can get away with it. Especially now that the media and Hollywood have, for decades, ensured that police view black people as gang members and thugs while white people are just trying to find love in the wackiest situations.

Anyway, that's my social commentary for the month! I should comment every time there's a mass shooting but how much time do you think I have?! It would seriously cut into my Call of Duty time! And before you say something about Call of Duty somehow contributing to gun violence, I'd like you to know that I only run around the Call of Duty maps beating people to death with a shovel.

I should probably read this comic book now. But I only have time for the first story so I'll break this one up into parts.

The first story is called "Bump in the Night." It's written by Edward Lee who I don't know. It's drawn by Howard Porter who I do know and enjoy a lot! So even if the reading part of my brain is all "This writing is atrocious!" at least the seeing part of my brain will be all "Oh yeah! That's the stuff! Not the really good stuff that me and the ears really like. You know that stuff? The stuff with the women and the butt things and the moaning? But this will do for now!"

Oh, Keith Giffen is responsible for the plot. That probably means the script went something like this:

Ma Kent: "Opinion that is a bit opaque."
Pa Kent: "Response that doesn't quite make sense."
Ma Kent: "Comment that's interrupted by..."
Pa Kent: "Exclamation of frustration!"
Ma Kent: "Trying to clarify things for Pa."
Pa Kent: "Stubbornly maintains misinterpretation of Ma's original comment."
Ma Kent: "Exhausted!"
Pa Kent: "Remains proud of his ignorance."

I'll have to read the conversation three or four times before I feel I've grasped what it's about before moving on to the next confusing exchange between characters.

I don't know what "jack their jaws" means but I know what I want it to mean!

That's Pa Kent lying dead in the field. This is an Elseworlds Horror Story as you can tell by the cell phones being used by Ma and Pa Kent. Also that Pa is dead. He seems to have been killed by whatever came out of the ship that crashed in their field. My guess is that it wasn't baby Kal. Maybe this is an Alien/Superman crossover!

Martha is attacked by whatever was in the pod. It seems to be an overly cooked Superboy. At one point, as Ma is running from the creature, she thinks, "I promise I'll never rag about guns in the house again." See?! Americans also need guns to protect them from creatures from outer space! If guns were outlawed, only super strong creatures from out of space who can't be killed by guns would have guns!

After killing Martha, Toddler Clark who can only scream in Kryptonian letters flies off to destroy the world. I guess this story was a thought experiment. It's lucky Clark was only a baby when he got to Earth and could be raised and molded by loving parents because look what would have happened if he'd arrived when he was two! What a fucking monster!

Bump in the Night Rating: If you like seeing beloved characters killed by their cherished child, you're a sick fuck. Also, this story is for you. I wish there had been more guns.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Deadman #1

If you turn off your lights, this cover will glow in the dark.

By buying this comic book, I have committed a grievous sin. How do I justify purchasing this book written and drawn by Neal Adams when The Coming of the Supermen, also written and sort-of drawn by Neal Adams, was possibly the most terrible comic book I've read since September 2011? It was so bad that I blacked it out and I often forget to mention it as the worst comic. Other comics may have been drawn worse or edited more poorly or had substandard writing. But none of them had all of them put together! The worst part is that I feel bad saying that about Neal Adams and his work. He's just an old man who peaked decades ago and here I am shitting all over his modern work. Technically you can hardly tell that I'm shitting on it because who can tell two different shits apart, really? I suppose somebody might walk by and think, "Look at the way some of that shit is sitting awkwardly on top of that other bit of shit. I bet that's two pieces of shit and not just MC Escher shit!" It's not like my saying Neal Adams' last work at DC was terrible makes what he did any more or less terrible. Somebody with eyes and an ability to read and the stomach to purchase The Coming of the Supermen can experience exactly how terrible it was without any input from me! And yet here I am purchasing another new comic book completely written and drawn by Neal Adams. Well, that's what the cover says, at least. I'm sure the interior credits will mention some people who helped out. If not in this first issue, by the third at the very least.

So why am I encouraging DC to hire Neal Adams? Because I like Deadman, that's why! Plus I guess I sort of feel DC is doing the right thing by hiring older writers and artists. I mean, they could just retroactively give them a piece of the profits on characters they created. That would solve two problems in one move! The writers who were screwed out of any percentage of characters that became a windfall for the company get their money and I don't have to read any of their shitty new bullshit!

This issue begins with Commissioner Gordon inspecting nuclear sites in Japan. Why? Did I miss something in James Gordon's history that made him the ideal candidate for this job? Seriously though, did I? Because I don't understand how this could come about! It's possible it will be explained on the next page but who has the patience to wait for an explanation that far in the future?! I want to know why I'm so Goddamned confused right now! I mean aside from the simple confusion of trying to read a modern Neal Adams story.

When Neal Adams writes and draws a comic book, I wonder if he writes or draws first? I don't think it matters.

That scan is from page two. So two pages in and I've already got dozens of questions. The main one is how come James Gordon asks "Who're you?" when he sees his doppelgänger rather than "Should I get my dick out?" The next major question is why is James Gordon so into Japanese nuclear power plant seals? It doesn't say anything about his interest in them in his Who's Who entry. I'm least curious about who the second James Gordon is. I guess that's what happens when you take Commissioner Gordon out of Gotham and have him gallivanting about the planet working jobs he has no reason to be working. No wonder the nuclear reactor at Fukushima melted down. Maybe get some actual scientists and engineers in for inspections next time, guys.

Also touring the reactor? Boston Brand and the man who killed him. Separately, of course! Brand's assassin, Hook, has infiltrated the reactor with his team of eight henchmen. I don't know why they've come along since Hook screams at them that James Gordon, the target, is his. I guess they're just supposed to wander around looking for him. Boston Brand has come because Hook is here and he thinks this is his chance to kill him. I wonder if Neal Adams had a short story sitting around about a takeover of a nuclear reactor and he decided to use it for the basis of the Deadman script when DC contacted him.

I wonder if DC even contacted him? Maybe Neal Adams calls daily asking if they'll let him write a series. And since Deadman wasn't really being used, why not give him a chance to make him really popular again? Or completely ruin him, which is more likely.

Neal Adams gets tired of writing the already incomprehensible story of Gordon's trip to Japan so Deadman has a flashback to another time he failed to kill Hook.

I probably shouldn't even be writing this review if all I'm going to do is shit all over an old man. It's going to be really embarrassing when the old man recognizes me at a con and kicks my ass.

At one point, the Narrator called Boston Brand "Casper" and I got really confused for awhile. But that's not as bad as how confused I was when the Narrator explained how the Hook killed Boston but was accused by the League of Assassins of failing to kill Boston even though he obviously did kill Boston. It seems to have something to do with Boston Brand having a twin brother and a strongman named Tiny?

I'm not sure Neal Adams cared or understood Boston Brand's origin story. The gist of it is that Boston Brand needed to kill The Hook for some kind of karmic justice. But The Hook was killed by somebody else and so Deadman never found peace. In this one, Adams has introduced (or regurgitated) a bunch of elements to explain why The Hook would be killed by the League after succeeding in killing Boston.

Is it funny? Is it?

Deadman watches Hook's body drop into some water through a trapdoor. There is a large splash and Deadman thinks, "Splash?! Yeah . . . this will never be done. Sensei . . . teacher . . . lives up to his name. Disposed of Hook's body. Very efficient. League of Assassins . . . any cold-blooded killer could learn a lot from these monsters. And now a new assignment, busywork for Hook." It's like reading an Ann Nocenti script on acid! And I mean both that Nocenti wrote the script while on acid and the reader read the comic on acid in that analogy! My best interpretation of the moment as a whole is that Deadman has been awestruck by the idea that somebody would hide a body after killing it, thus thwarting justice! As for the "this will never be done" part, I have no idea what he's talking about at that moment. Did he want to fuck Hook's corpse? Who can tell? That's one possibility as likely as any other! And then it ends with Deadman simply ignoring everything he just thought about Hook being dead and stating that Hook (who he just mentioned was super dead and disposed of) now has to do the League's busy work by killing James Gordon. What the fuck now?

I suppose I should just forget all of that and just get back into the present story. Deadman wants revenge against Hook who is still alive even though the flashback showed how dead he was. That's the motivation. Although I still don't know the motivation for Gordon inspecting Japanese nuclear facilities or Hook's need to kill Gordon outside of Gotham. Oh! And I can't forget the sudden appearance of James Gordon's evil twin brother!

Fine. Here's one win for Neal Adams. I always enjoy a good bowel movement reference, no matter how absurdly or awkwardly placed in the dialogue.

Because Batman is on the cover and Evil Twin James Gordon recognizes Deadman when he possesses a Japanese worker, I have to assume Evil James Gordon is actually Batman who caught wind of this assassination plot and showed up to thwart it. Or maybe he didn't know about the plot at all and he was just as curious as I am as to why James Gordon has suddenly become an expert in Japanese nuclear reactors.

Evil Gordon reveals himself to be Batman. He's on the trail of whoever hired Hook to kill Gordon and he claims it wasn't Sensei because Batman killed Sensei himself. You heard me! Deadman was similarly shocked by the revelation! Batman killed a man! And proudly admitted it! What could possibly be going on?! I mean other than Neal Adams not giving a fuck and the editors being told to just lay off the script and let the man have his fun?

Sensei didn't slip between your fingers! When were you ever trying to kill Sensei?! You were just trying to stop him from killing Hook. This doesn't make any sense at all!

It turns out Batman didn't kill the Sensei but admits later that the Sensei is as good as dead. I don't know why Batman couldn't have told Deadman the stuff he tells him later. I suppose it's because Neal Adams doesn't really fucking know where the story is going. Anyway, Deadman gets a clue to head to Hong Kong in search of the Sensei. I guess the Sensei is the one Deadman wants to kill now since he put out the hit on Boston Brand. I mean, technically he didn't because Hook got to choose his own target and chose it from a poster, as stated earlier in the story. But Deadman doesn't seem to want to kill The Hook anymore. He could have back in the nuclear reactor but instead decided to yell at Batman for a bit and leave the assassins unconscious on the ground.

Deadman #1 Rating: This comic book is as good as a shit flavored scratch and sniff sticker. I still don't know why James Gordon was inspecting nuclear reactors. It's not like the battle against The Hook needed to take place there. Couldn't Neal Adams have come up with a place that made more sense? Like maybe a visit to the proctologist? Or a Police Commissioner's convention? This is going to bother me for weeks.