Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!