Green Lantern #29 (Late September 1992)

It's not often you can see a character's cock through their leotards.

Olivia Reynolds is one of Hal Jordan's exes. I know this because when he was trying to fuck Carol Ferris, he was all, "I once fucked a toymaker. Does that get you hot?" That's probably why Hal has a chubby. When he turns into Green Lantern, his Corps uniform just covers up whatever he's normally wearing. Then when he drops the Green Lantern persona, he just returns to what he was wearing. Olivia was probably warming his cock just before the toys attacked.

This issue begins with Olivia Reynolds at a toy convention to show off your next huge toy idea: talking Green Lantern action figures.

This guy should sue DC for making his Hawk figures worthless because Monarch was supposed to be Captain Atom!

I'm just kidding! The case would get thrown out of court! The judge would be all, "Okay, if Hawk hadn't turned out to be Monarch, how many of these figures did you think you were going to sell without Dove?! Who would kids have Hawk fuck?!" Also, why is the guy suddenly despairing at this toy convention? Did the reveal that Monarch was Hawk take place the very weekend that this story takes place?!

Some greasy guy at the con says the kids are going nuts for Green Lantern now that Hal Jordan is back on Earth. Apparently everybody bet on The Ray and Black Condor and, I don't know, The Jaguar and The Fly? They didn't realize Green Lantern was going to be the hot toy on the market so nobody made any figures. I mean except for Olivia but nobody knows that until this next panel.

Do the people of Earth know about the Guardians of the Universe?

Sure, Rose and the other hicks of Hope Springs know about the Guardians. And I suppose Olivia could know about them since she used to mount Hal's face on the regular and I'm sure he told her all about them. After she got off his face, of course. But wouldn't the greasy toy salesman just ask, "Who's the fucking smurf with the gigantic head?"

The Sinestro prototype screams about bringing order to the universe. The Hal prototype screams about sending Sinestro back to the anti-matter universe. The Guy Gardner prototype curses and says, "Bwa ha ha!" I don't know what G'nort says because the gross as hell toy salesman refuses to listen to it.

What parents are going to complain? "Where's the Green Lantern that got billions and billions of aliens killed due to his hubris?"

Since last issue, Hal Jordan has appeared in a story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #2 where he dropped Evil Star off in some kind of star power detox program. And he appeared in Mosaic #5 to brawl John for the hand of Rose. I guess he lost that one because now he thinks Arisia might be his last chance to get laid. Luckily he doesn't know where she is because she's like fourteen. I guess that's why he's going to get involved with Olivia Reynolds this issue. This guy is super fucking horny.

Hal learns from Sue Dibny that Olivia Reynolds is looking for him and that she said, "Time is of the essence." So Hal pops that particular kind of boner one pops when they hear from an ex with whom they had great sexual chemistry. Man, that's always a really good boner. It's like one of those videos where somebody raised a lion in Africa and they go back to Africa 20 years later and the lion races across the savannah to hug and lick them. The lion is the boner in that analogy.

Now that Hal's heard from Olivia, time is of the essence before his balls turn blue and explode.

Some aliens are headed to Earth to beat the shit out of Green Lantern. I guess they've got an old grudge against him. They just seem like generic aliens though so they probably aren't much of a threat. Especially since Hal Jordan has a big crossover with Flash beginning next issue where they battle Grodd. That means these aliens only have about two-thirds of this issue to cause trouble.

Apparently Hal isn't rushing off to rekindle a relationship with Olivia Reynolds. He thinks as he flies to New York to meet her, "I'm assuming something's happening with her 'U-mind.' That odd force in her unconscious that sustains the lives of the Lenglyns." Umm, whut? The editor has a note to "See Flash #191. Way back in 1969." Okay, but how the fuck am I supposed to see Flash #191 if it was from 1969? I wasn't even born yet! At least explain it a little more rather than expect a reader in 1992 to have access to this story from 1969. Especially when the story is full of fucking weird-ass gobbledygook that doesn't make any fucking sense. According to Hal, even Olivia doesn't know about the "U-mind" or the "Lenglyns." I guess it's possible this is some kind of Babadook situation where the Lenglyns are actually her grief from the terrible break-up I'm sure Hal put her through.

Olivia doesn't know Hal Jordan was Green Lantern. She worked with Hal selling toys and only encountered Green Lantern when the Lenglyns were giving her seizures. I'm guessing that was post Hal Jordan breaking up with her and ruining her life. She just wants Green Lantern to give her and her new partner Mr. Greasy Voorhees exclusive rights to make Green Lantern Corps figures.

Why even ask then? Just make some fucking knock-offs. It's not like she's attempting to ask Guy Gardner, Sinestro, or G'nort.

Green Lantern refuses to help Olivia even if she goes ahead with the toy line. He's honorable or something. But then he hears what the figure says and he's all, "That doesn't sound manly at all! What women will want to fuck me when they hear that bullshit coming out of my face?!" And Olivia is all, "Well, you could record some sexy lines for us if you played ball." But then those aliens flew down over the city demanding that Green Lantern come out to face them. Dammit. Olivia's fucking hot. I was hoping they'd close the deal with a little wah-wah, woo-woo, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I don't blame you. Don't despair, though! You'll get some wah-wah, woo-woo some time!

I wish a woman would look at my crotch the way Olivia looks at her Green Lantern figure and say, "What a market."

The aliens seem to want to speak with Green Lantern, not fight him. That makes sense because they arrive with only about six pages to spare. They're just checking to make sure the local space cop isn't a huge alien racist who will refuse to help them when they need help. Green Lantern assures them that once he's set up on Earth, he'll visit the other planets in Sector 2814. Or maybe he'll send the dog around. G'nort still works here too, right?

Hal winds up leaving Olivia with some fucked up dolls that have been corrupted by his ring. Now they only say whatever he wants them to say which could be a liability to the toy company, especially when they make the Arisia doll. Better to just dump the Green Lantern line and maybe mock up some prototypes of Deathstroke and Terra.

Green Lantern #29 Rating: B. This issue was about how Hal Jordan objectifies all the women in his life. This is mirrored in the way Olivia makes objectifies him and makes toys out of him. With Evil Star, we saw how power without control can ruin a person's life. Here, we see that objectifying the people you're attracted to is bad for business and never gets you what you want. Hal has mostly objectified Carol, seen by his repeated anger when she won't let him remove her underwear. But also in how he won't let her help him the way a person would let another person who is a friend help them. He doesn't see Carol as a partner or an equal or a powerful individual who can help him simply because he needs help. He also sees the waitress who serves him as a possible conquest. And he just returned from Oa where he learned Rose isn't interested in him anymore which makes him consider pursuing Arisia which screams objectification in that she's underage and the power dynamic there is fucked up beyond belief. And then Olivia re-enters his life so that he can see that objectification of another person is wrong. Especially when they're going to make millions of dollars off of it! Now if only somebody could pull that trick on Hal that he pulled on Olivia and her Green Lantern dolls, maybe he'd stop thinking of all the women in his life as simply cock warmers.

Green Lantern #28 (Early September 1992)

I recognize the look of a man about to stick his dick in a magic lantern.

I almost continued that caption with "surrounded by fit toddlers" but then remembered Gerard Jones wrote this book and I creeped myself out. Sorry for the self-censorship! I promise I'll never do it again.

Last issue ended with Evil Star's Starlings stealing Hal Jordan's power battery before he could charge his ring. See? This is the kind of fucking trouble you can get into when you don't store your Power Batteries on some hick planet, giving so much meaning to their lives that you basically commit genocide when you end the contract to store all the batteries there. Also maybe they began relying on the energy of the batteries too much. I don't remember. Not that anybody in the Corps gave a shit about the "pocket dimension" their batteries were stored in. They were just glad their batteries were safe from a band of roided-out nose-miners climbing through your hotel window to steal your superhero shit.

Hal Jordan's ring runs out of energy after he fends off the Starlings and he plummets into a river. I thought he was in Los Angeles but this river is lined with dirt and not concrete with drag racing happening along it. So I guess his motel is in Coast City. Anyway, he almost gets killed by a bunny rabbit now that he's got no power.

Whew! That was a close one!

Hal Jordan is so fucked up from falling out of the sky when his power ran out that I think the bunny could have taken him. He manages to stagger in the direction that the Starlings took his power battery, having received one last trace of it from his ring before it died. He chose that over surviving a fall from fifty feet in the air. I guess it was a good choice because he survived anyway with only a lacerated liver and three punctured lungs. But being that his super power is actually willpower and not the ring, he'll probably hike all the way to Evil Star's cavern hideout before he dies.

The Starlings deliver the Power Battery to Evil Star who immediately shoves his dick into it. Moments later, Goldface walks in on him and catches him fucking it.

Some of you might be thinking, "There's no way Evil Star is actually fucking it because the cover credits didn't say 'Gail Simone' on them." But come on. You have eyes. Probably.

Does anybody know what Goldface is wearing on his head? Do you think the Who's Who describes how he accidentally spray painted one of his mother's tchotchkes while huffing Metallic Gold spray-paint, passed out, and woke up after one of his friends had Superglued it to his head? Is this even something I should be curious about when Evil Star just stuck his motherfucking dick in Hal's motherfucking lantern?

Somehow Evil Star, without a ring or any connection to the Green Lantern Corps, manages to use the lantern as a weapon on its own. Is this the first time anybody has ever done that? Or has it already been established that the Power Battery can also be used to blast villains in their spray-painted faces?

Even though Evil Star made a yellow flying shark to attack Green Lantern earlier and purposefully imprisoned him in a yellow bell jar, he's still surprised when the blast from the power battery has no effect on Goldface. Perhaps Evil Star is like 75% of my readers: too literal. He knew Green Lantern's ring didn't work against yellow but Goldface isn't yellow! He's Metallic Gold! It's right there on the label of the dozens of discarded spray-paint cans lying around the cave!

Oh, okay. That explains it. Evil Star is an idiot.

While Evil Star and Goldface battle for the power battery, Hal Jordan steals a plane. He has no choice! He can't walk all the way to Evil Star's hideout while bleeding internally. Better to take a plane, bleed out in the sky, and crash down into a Malibu apartment complex. Usually I'd complain about a hero endangering others simply to get back the power they lost. But remember: Hal isn't a hero; he's a space cop! Collateral damage means nothing to him.

Hal manages to walk away from crash landing the plane, climb the mountain, and enter the cave where Goldface's intergalactic criminal enterprise has been hiding out.

Good thing Hal found a dry cleaner on his way up the mountain to clean all the blood off of his shirt so they can't see how wounded he is.

Hal Jordan informs Goldface that he knows about Evil Star and the power battery and that he knows all about the Green Lantern Corps. Before Goldface's muddled huffer brain can piece together that this must be Hal Jordan, Evil Star and his Starlings rush in to learn how to use the battery from this obvious nobody. That gives a Hal a chance to charge his ring just enough to defeat Evil Star in just a few panels. As Evil Star and the Starlings fall unconscious, Hal collapses from his injuries and dies.

But then Hal wakes up because the ring healed him, I guess. He gathers up the hot toddlers and Evil Star and flies them off to Oa to be thrown into a Sciencell. Goldface and the other D-listers get away because they ran as soon as Hal Jordan turned into Green Lantern. Cowards.

Green Lantern #28 Rating: B-. The point of this story was to compare Hal Jordan, a man with loads of power and the will to control it, to Evil Star, a man with just as much power but not an ounce of will. The reader sees what could become of Hal Jordan if he ever lost his willpower, how dangerous he could become. Maybe even dangerous enough to murder the rest of the Green Lantern Corps? But we also learn that without willpower, real power means little. Evil Star has no control and no direction. His only motivation is more power. And what kind of life is that? But then remember how shitty Hal's life was with tons of willpower but no power ring? He was lost and unhappy and unable to fuck Carol Ferris. So maybe the point of this story is that you need both willpower and power or else you're going to be a lonely incel loser your entire life.

Green Lantern #27 (August 1992)

Why that one little fucker looking at me? Ain't gonna sleep a wink tonight.

Why does Hal Jordan look like he's enjoying being tied with seaweed by a bunch of toddlers in starfish masks? Is this kink canon? I wouldn't be grinning diabolically if this happened to me. Have you ever felt seaweed (especially the ones with big air-filled bladders) brush against you in the ocean? I'd rather a shark bite off my calf.

What this title is telling me is "Yes, the kink is canon."

Green Lantern has repeatedly mentioned that he wields the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet he somehow got tackled by a half-dozen toddler on the beach and tied up with seaweed. If I were a lawyer and had to prosecute the case of "Hal Jordan coming in his pants while wrestling with children on the beach," I'd simply point out to the jury that he could have stopped it from happening at any time. Of course his lawyer would be all, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you know how this most powerful weapon works? It must be charged every 24 hours. And unluckily for Hal Jordan and his cum-stained underwear (which, I might add, he came in while sitting next to Carol Ferris in her underwear the night Eclipso attacked), his ring had just run out of charge between the moment he sent Carol back to the hotel in a bubble and the attack of the hot little star children in tight pants." Then I, being a terrible fucking lawyer, would be all, "Fuck! Why would he say that? How am I supposed to debate that charge?! He's fucking got me!" But then later, after Hal Jordan was found innocent and I was walking back to my car in the garage, I'd think, "Oh shit! I should have pointed out that Hal Jordan is a full grown man and those little sexy fucks were just toddlers! He could have thrown them in the surf and held them under until they drowned instead of being seduced by them and their seaweed bondage!"

Apparently, Evil Star has some kind of power that keeps Hal Jordan from acting on his own volition. But once Evil Star begins thinking about living among the stars again, and he puts a hand down the front of his pants, Hal Jordan is able to use his ring again and break free.

Holy shit! Those toddlers are fit!

I bet Gerard Jones owns the original art on this issue. Perhaps those were some of the images that got him in trouble! "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury! My client, Gerard Jones, does not jerk off to fit toddlers. Those images were used as research for the Evil Star three-part story! Did you ever read it? It was fucking disturbing. I was like, 'Is Gerard Jones a pedo?' But, um, then I was all, 'Of course not! Um, he's totally the opposite of that! Which is being into older women with dementia!' I rest my case!" Man, Gerard Jones shouldn't have hired me as his lawyer!

Ha ha! Blasted that one in his little cock!

I'm assuming if Evil Star gave his little fellas hot bodies that can be seen through their skin-tight suits, he also gave them realistic genitalia.

I just want to point out that not only are these little fit toddlers fictional, they're not even toddlers. They're simulacrums created by Evil Star to fuel his evil deeds (which he must commit because of the star band he wears that grants him immortality and nearly limitless power (as long as it's fueled by starlight)). That means it's okay for me to make jokes about them being hot toddlers with hard pecs and rippling six packs. They're also mindless so they can't consent. So I won't joke about anybody actually fucking them because that would be wrong. I think. I mean, a watermelon can't consent and they get fucked all the time, right?

Look, I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Who can tell? Nobody, really! I mean, everybody on tumblr seems to be able to tell. But usually they're all fighting among themselves about who can tell the most. So who the fuck knows, right?! They also all loved Neil Gaiman and look where that got them!

Evil Star's power is nearly identical to a Green Lantern or Sinestro ring. But it's an armband powered by starlight so that makes it totally different. Anyway, he makes a yellow light construction of a flying shark which causes Hal Jordan to shit his pants. Because how the fuck is he going to stop something like that? A flying yellow shark is basically checkmate against a Green Lantern.

But it's not a checkmate against Hal Jordan who actually thinks of a way to stop the flying yellow shark that I stood up and applauded for.

That's bad-ass, Hal Jordan! Sacrificing a child to save yourself! Kudos! You have finally earned my respect!

Evil Star banishes the flying yellow shark because he hates winning. He could have defeated Hal and all it would have cost him was one of his homunculi! That's basically 1/300,000,000 of one quick tug of the old Johnson! Just let the shark eat it! Or maybe Evil Star is a total homophobe and he's all, "I won't have my not-gay shark eat my jizz child! Begone, heterosexual flying yellow shark!"

After the shark disappears, Hal Jordan shows why he's not as good as Kyle Rayner.

What the fuck kind of toy is that?! Kyle would have made a Shogun Warrior or a Transbot!

"Transbot" isn't meant to be any kind of commentary on the trans community! I was just riffing on how DC always comes up with fake brand names and figured they'd go with a Transformer/Gobot mix!

What kind of fucking toy did Hal Jordan just create? He was probably a child of the '50s or '60s by 1992 so that makes sense. They had weird fucking shit for kids back then. What was this supposed to be? A joke inhaler that knocks out your friend's front teeth when they're having an asthma attack?

While Hal Jordan congratulates himself over his witty light construction, a Starling flies by and knocks him out with his tight buttocks.

Get a whiff of this!

I wonder if my friend Stephen would be disturbed by this issue because those Starlings look exactly like his son. Except in better shape. So fit!

Evil Star remembers how he once trapped Hal Jordan way back in Green Lantern #37. Not Volume One with Alan Scott. Alan battled The Trapper in that issue! No, Evil Star is talking about Green Lantern #37, Volume 2 from June 1965. I suppose he traps Hal Jordan in a jar in that issue because that's what he does here. Specifically a bell jar so that Hal can say, "And me without my Sylvia Plath." As if Sylvia Plath is a thing Hal normally carries around with him. I guess Hal learned about his nouns from a different Schoolhouse Rock song than I did. "It's every person you can have: like a starling or a hostage or Sylvia Plath."

Evil Star isn't confident that Green Lantern won't escape from the yellow bell jar (like maybe using his ring to tunnel out through the dirt and sand under his feet) so he threatens to drown two children he's kidnapped if Hal tries to get away.

And I thought I was making this story weird and uncomfortable!

Evil Star's demands are that Green Lantern send him into space so he can recharge among the stars. For some reason, Hal refuses. Even though that would remove the threat of Evil Star from Earth. He'd be the threat in some other stupid Green Lantern's turf.

Green Lantern agrees to help Evil Star. When Evil Star makes a hole in the jar big enough for Green Lantern to teleport him into space, Hal Jordan shoots a beam out that takes out all the Starlings and Evil Star. But only long enough for the jar to dissipate and for Hal to save the children who are now drowning and having seaweed brush against their legs. They'll never fucking be the same.

Hal saves them but Evil Star gets away, drained from the battle. He only has a little bit of energy left because the smog in Los Angeles doesn't let much starlight through. He'd be much better off moving to Colorado or Montana. But maybe that's the point! He's only a slave to the power because he fears death and the power makes him immortal. But the power demands to be used in evil ways. So by living under the smog of Southern California, Evil Star can live forever but not have enough power to destroy the Green Lantern Corps and drown children. Maybe Hal should just leave him alone. After making sure he Evil Star gets a vasectomy, of course. Enough with the horrid Starlings, man.

Hal returns to Carol who was understandably distraught and concerned. But he's all, "I'm Green Lantern, baby! Fighting to the death is what I do!" Then Carol is all, "Well, this is why we can't be in a sexual relationship." And Hal is all, "Fuck you, you dirty cunt!"

Well, he doesn't say it in so many words. But look at his face! He was definitely thinking it.

Dude has got some real anger against women issues. Later, to prove he wasn't trying to fuck her at all, he explains that he's already dating somebody else anyway. A woman named Rose. Carol is all, "Oh, well, um, that's nice, I guess." And Hal is all, "Yeah! She's currently on Oa but she's totally real and not fucking John Stewart at all! We're totally in love and she's going to let me put my power rod in her love snug when she gets back to Earth."

Even after Hal's "Don't do me any favors" outburst when Carol says they can't be intimate any time soon, Carol speaks rationally and treats him like a human being. If I were Carol, I'd point out that this is also why they can't fuck. Because he acts like a child and she has to be the fucking adult in the room to calm him down. Afterward, Hal acts like a real woman hating jackass and storms out of her hotel room to go rage jerk off in his own room.

Hal sounds like a writer here. "Oh well, nobody wants to fuck me and I don't currently own a cat, so now's the time to get some writing done!"

Obviously a real writer would also have to make sure the house was clean and the dishes were done and they'd masturbated two or three times and they'd had a little snack and their 18 notebooks were all stacked nicely by some unsharpened pencils and they'd spent five hours scroll Twitter. But the Hal thing was just a minor observation, not meant to be an exact comparison!

Evil Star returns to some place outside of Death Valley to soak up some starlight and explain to his Starlings how he's going to get Green Lantern's power instead of the power of the stars because they're basically the same thing. The Starlings then dance around him like fit little monkeys, grinning maniacally. They're so fucking creepy.

The next day, Hal Jordan gets so distracted about the loan meeting for his business (which he fails to get, of course) that he forgets to charge his ring. By the time he goes to charge it, he only has a precious few minutes of power left. But before he's able to charge it, the Starlings zip in and steal the lantern from him.

That's as close as DC can get to saying, "Green Lantern Fucked Up the Ass (and Not in a Pleasant Way)!"

Green Lantern #27 Rating: A-. I think this whole story is still some kind of parable about Hal Jordan's fear of children and inability to commit to a monogamous relationship. He throws a child into a shark, endangers two children by allowing them to come into contact with horrible seaweed, and shoots one in the dick with his power ring. Plus he has no idea how to just be friends with a woman which means he has no foundation for any kind of actual relationship. He almost accidentally fucks a waitress in this issue the day after Carol is all, "You ain't gettin' near Little Ferris Air, buddy." And then it all ends with him feeling powerless and out of control. Because he's not forging any kind of future. He's still living in the past, refusing to get help from others, and kicking multiple children in the face. Any therapist could see that he's spiraling.

Green Lantern Annual #1 (1992)

I wouldn't mind getting behind that moon myself. Literally. To have sex with it.

Usually when you see that much ass cheek on a DC cover, it's because I did some horny Photoshop. But that's an actual DC cover and that's Star Sapphire's actual ass with very little cover. I'd say it's one of the best covers I've ever seen except I just now noticed that Hal Jordan is punching Carol in the face. That kind of ruins it for me. Not even Eclipso smiling joyfully at the misogyny can bring me back around. Almost! But not quite.

But what I actually find the most interesting thing on this cover is the little symbol in the corner that reads "Approved by the Comics Code Authority." Out of all the rules they have about things that can't appear in comic books, they're absolutely fine with a woman with most of her ass revealed kneeling in front of a man whose dick may or may not be out as he punches her in the face. Were they just not as strict as I was lead to believe? Or had they completely lost all of their teeth by 1992? Or were they less concerned with violence against women than they were about vampires and werewolves. I'm actually surprised it took until the 2000s for comic book companies to completely abandon the practice. I have a feeling that by the '80s most comics with the code on the cover barely had any scrutiny by the "Authority." And if they did, the publisher simply left the damned thing off, like with Watchman and Swamp Thing and, I think, pretty much all of DC's Vertigo line.

Anyway, it's useful to know that a bunch of uptight pricks who wanted to control a whole category of artistic expression was okay with whatever's happening on this cover. I have to say, I'm really only okay with the right hand side of the cover. You know, from Eclipso to the naked butt cheeks.

The issue begins with Kilowog training a bunch of the new recruits. There's one I don't immediately recognize although I think his name might be Jack or Charlie or something lame like that. He definitely wasn't one of Hal's recent recruits.

I thought Kilowog was supposed to train them for encounters on the battlefield, not encounters in the bedroom.

One recruit is noticeably absent from the training: Amanita, the little mushroom guy. That's because he began saying something before training began and he's only now finishing the sentence now that training is over. That sentence is, "I feel something hunting Green Lanterns." Hmm. Maybe somebody should listen to the little Star Sapphire ass.

Dammit! I keep getting distracted by the cover! I might have to rip it off and hide it under the mattress so I can finish reading this issue!

This is probably the thing hunting Green Lanterns and/or Star Sapphires butthole: Eclipso's fist.

This is the image on the page opposite the Eclipso's fist page:

I was 20 years old when I got this issue. How is it not covered in dried semen?!

The placement of that advert across from Eclipso threatening to fist the next asshole that comes near him had to be on purpose, no?

Eclipso doesn't actually want to fistfuck Green Lantern. He just wants the power of the most powerful weapon in the universe after the color yellow. But Eclipso can't manifest except in extremely rare instances (like a full eclipse and then only at an Oreo factory). Instead, Eclipso rains little Black Diamonds all over the Earth. Anybody who comes into contact with one of them becomes possessed by Eclipso. Right now, Eclipso is using Starman to try to track down Green Lantern. I guess Starman's powers aren't cool because they don't manifest through a gaudy piece of jewelry. Eclipso's D&D treasure type is whichever treasure type was just gems and jewelry.

Starman doesn't know where Green Lantern is so Eclipso has him give the Black Diamond to some homeless man. But he doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so he gives the Black Diamond to a prostitute. But she doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so she gives the Black Diamond to some pervert. He heads into a strip club where I'm sure everybody will be all, "Oh, Guy Gardner? Yeah! He was just here!"

Look all this nudity! I suspect even the Comics Code Authority hated reading fucking annuals.

The pervert tosses the Black Diamond to one of the strippers and guess what? She's seen Guy Gardner recently! Who could have guessed?! Other than me, of course!

Guy Gardner has just recently lost his ring to Hal Jordan which is fucking crazy because I never know when to read these annuals and I just happened to read this annual at exactly the right time! Guy's trying to figure out what to do next and briefly considers getting a gun. But he's no Simon Baz so he drops the idea immediately. Instead, he picks up a Black Diamond tossed to him by a stripper. Guy Gardner is always angry so I'm sure he transforms into Eclipso in record time. But the scene shifts to Carol and Hal's bedroom.

Gross.

Okay, maybe I'm reading the annual a little too soon if Carol is letting Hal do this to her already.

Hal didn't actually spunk on Carol so I don't know why Andy Smith drew that. She just woke up from a nightmare and Hal raced in to save her. He then listens to her and comforts her and makes sure she feels safe and waits until she falls asleep again and then resents her for not offering to fuck him right there and then. No, really! That's not just me being facetious! At least I don't think it is.

Hal defines "impossible emotional gymnastics" as being super nice to babes and then not getting to fuck them.

Just outside Hal's motel room, Guy Gardner waits, hiding behind a palm tree. That's really all they're good for. Eclipso realized Guy didn't have the power he wanted. But Guy did know where Hal Jordan was currently holed up. So he uses Guy to drop the Black Diamond off for Hal to find. Then Guy just goes back to the strip club thinking he's done his job. But he didn't count on Hal being too concerned with his blue balls to notice the gem on the ground. So instead, Carol, still in her underwear, finds it when she exits her motel room while going to apologize to Hal.

Oh, she's going to apologize to Hal because she told him her dream in which she was mean to Hal. That's also why his feelings were hurt. Because she had a dream where she hated him. Christ, he's a loser. But now that she found the Black Diamond, she's going to go kill Hal while in Star Sapphire's underwear.

Star Sapphire's underwear is just her regular super outfit. Like Superman and Batman.

Eclipso wants Green Lantern as his Eclipsed Slave but he falls into his own trap: he can't fully take over Star Sapphire until she commits her act of rage and revenge. And for Star Sapphire, that means killing Green Lantern. It took Eclipso thousands of years but he's finally learned about Catch-22. It's a hell of a catch, that Catch-22.

Star Sapphire flies off to destroy Ferris Air because she couldn't find Hal Jordan around the corner at the motel's soda machine. Star Sapphire somehow thinks that ex-employees of businesses give a shit if somebody later vandalizes the business. I suppose in this case she may be right only because the ex-employee is also a super hero.

At this point in the comic book, I'm exactly halfway through. That means this "review" will suddenly become a five sentence synopsis of the last 28 pages. It's my brand!

Starman shows up still under Eclipso's influence because Eclipso now has to battle himself so that he doesn't kill Green Lantern while possessing Star Sapphire. Bruce Gordon and his Eclipso hunters arrive with their solar guns to save the eclipsed heroes. Guy Gardner, still under Eclipso's influence, also attacks. And then the Green Lantern Corps arrives to save Hal's ass. It's a real clusterfuck.

Is this lesbian pornography?

Green Lantern Annual #1 Rating: Sexy! I'd explain how the clusterfuck turned out but I'm not sure I know. Hal and Carol remained under Eclipso's power so they could go fuck with Batman in the Detective Comics annual. Guy Gardner hitchhiked into Guy Gardner Reborn #1. Starman headed over into the Superman annual. And the other Green Lanterns all pretended they weren't just humiliated. I think Kilowog explained what happened in a panel near the end but, well, have a look:

Maybe this was the page my 20 year old self's spunk landed on after jerking it to that cover!

Green Lantern #26 (July 1992)

Guy Gardner may have been bad at his job but he never attacked a preschool.

According to the cover, Hal Jordan returns to protecting Earth by locking Carol Ferris in a massive bubble and kicking the asses of fifty toddlers. Believe me, I'm pro both of those things. The only real issue I have is that Carol Ferris still has her pants on.

Based on this description of Los Angeles, I'd wager Gerard Jones was from Northern California.

Looking at Gerard Jones Wikipedia, my theory is proven correct as he was raised in Los Gatos and Gilroy. Los Gatos was where I spent most of my early twenties getting black out drunk. Gilroy was where I never went but you could always smell garlic on the air late at night in Santa Clara if the wind was right. Did that makes sense? Gilroy was full of garlic! I think I finally understand why my college teachers were always writing "Expand!" on my papers.

Hal Jordan goes on and on about how terrible the Earth is and how it needs him as its protector but also that it's gorgeous and shit. He then eats a burrito and goes to a Dodgers game where the Giants are kicking their asses. I may have been from the Bay Area but I was definitely a Dodgers fan in the late '70s and early '80s (before I just stopped giving a shit about baseball somewhere around when I discovered Warhammer. I mean girls! I totally meant girls!). After the game (which he arrives to late and leaves early because he's a shitty supporter), he goes to see how Carol is doing. I probably shouldn't complain about how little "protecting" Hal Jordan is doing since he just got back to Earth and maybe deserves a little down time but the way he keeps going on and on about how much trouble there is and how much he's needed, it kind of bugs the shit out of me. We all know you picked a fight with Guy Gardner not to get back to the boring space cop job. You just missed burritos and baseball and banging Earth chicks. Just be honest about your desires and motivations, you dumb jerk!

Christ. I thought the whole point of the first story arc was to move Hal out of his midlife crisis. But he's just gone from depressed and lost to manically trying to regain his youth.

I guess Evil Star lives in the suburbs of Los Angeles (or Coast City?) because, as you can see in the last panel, he watches Hal Jordan fly over his mother's house. I'm assuming it's his mother's house. He seems a bit like a fucked up loser whose midlife crisis would be equal to five of Hal's.

Carol Ferris has taken up residence in a country club sanitarium to recover from her delusional life as Star Sapphire, space temp. Hal visits her and finds her reading a money making magazine. He immediately begins yelling at her. I guess he not only doesn't want Carol to be Star Sapphire, he also doesn't want her to be whoever she wants to be. Motherfucker already trying to make her decisions for her and control her! Luckily Carol remains level-headed and is all, "I'm not reading this for me! I'm reading this to help you with the small flight school business you were thinking of starting!" Once Hal realizes she's devoting her life to making his life better, he calms down.

This motherfucker, I swear!

Carol offers to give Hal a loan but he refuses. He'd rather be in debt to a bank than to a woman. He says "to a friend" but we've seen enough of Hal to know he's way too sexist to let a woman have any kind of power or leverage over him. Not that Carol would take advantage or manipulate him. She seems eager to just help out a friend she cares for. I just don't think Hal is capable of seeing Carol as an individual and a friend who just wants to help. I've read too much of Gerard Jones' version of Hal in the last 25 issues not to know the real reason Hal won't take Carol's money. It's cause he's a woman hating space pig!

Hal won't take Carol's loan but he does offer her a job as his secretary. He claims it's because she needs a low stress life for now but I'm pretty sure it's because he wants to punish her for being a CEO and his boss for so many years. Hal's just trying to put her in her place!

Meanwhile, Evil Star learns of Green Lantern's return to Southern California. That little guy on the roof wasn't Evil Star himself. It was just one of his little Evil Starlings (as seen on the cover). I don't know what kind of shit Evil Star has gotten into since Crisis on Infinite Earths but it doesn't look good if he's being written by Gerard Jones and working with an army of children.

Evil Star's also working with a tiny little Legion of Doom. Its members include Evil Star, Jocasta, Piston, Repo, and Goldface. I'm only familiar with two of them. I suppose they're all old pre-Crisis Green Lantern foes. They've got some non-Green-Lantern plans in the works. Unlike all of the villains in the '80s and '90s Teen Titans whose only plans were "Destroy the Teen Titans."

I don't like the way those Starlings are clinging to Evil Star like he's a barbarian and they're lusty fur-covered barbarianettes.

Hopefully Evil Star's Starlings aren't children at all (or any kind of individual). Maybe one of Evil Star's powers is to jerk off and have his sperm grow into mute little sticky men. They're just suburban medieval homunculi. And possibly Evil Star's sex toys. Does spunking into a creature made out of your own spunk violate any physical laws? Would that be some kind of CERN creating a black hole situation?

Goldface seems to be the leader of this little operation (a fact we may have learned in that issue where Guy Gardner battled him but I read that like several days ago or something and, being 53, I'm all out of storage for new memories, especially new memories to replace old memories I'd long ago jettisoned as useless). He points out that going after Green Lantern will just expose their Intergalactic Criminal Organization and get it shut down (and also get their asses beat by Hal Jordan). But Evil Star's anxiety gets the best of him and he lashes out at his new evil teammates.

"Babies." Sperm theory confirmed.

Goldface, being the only adult in the cavern, screams at everybody until they stop roughhousing. Um, roughcaving. Ultimately, he realizes that Green Lantern could be a problem and agrees to have his henchmen monitor them. Goldface's henchmen dress like they've just been to a Village People concert in 1978.

Apparently, some time in the past, Green Lantern destroyed Evil Star's ability to gain power from his evil star (or whatever. Who the fuck knows? Based on his mask, I would have guessed he gets his power from starfish). So Evil Star doesn't give a fuck about Goldface's order to not go after Green Lantern. Evil Star has to go after him! He needs his power back so he can make more babies.

Evil Star under a UV light after making his babies.

Meanwhile, Hal and Carol go out for a romantic evening after working all day to set up Hal's new life that Carol might get to be a part in if she plays her sexy cards right. They wind up walking on the beach under the moonlight, almost certainly about to bang in the freezing cold Pacific surf. But then Hal sees a mood killer out of the corner of his eye!

Another man's cumshot!

Hal Jordan immediately sends Carol home in a bubble without any explanation. So that's something she's going to have to learn to deal with if they begin a new relationship. With Carol gone, Hal chases the child down the beach, only to be ambushed by even more children who had buried themselves in the sand. He recognizes them as Evil Star's whatevers just as Evil Star appears and demands that Green Lantern give him his power back. And that's where the issue ends! With Hal Jordan being held down by a bunch of children while a man covered in dried semen attacks him.

Green Lantern #26 Rating: B+. What the fuck is this story about? Is this Gerard Jones' version of Eraserhead? Is this about Hal's fear of having children with Carol? That he'll have to give up some of his power by taking on such a responsibility? Or is this allegory about Carol? How she suddenly sees who Hal really is? A giant toddler himself, obsessed with his carefree younger days? A man who steals the power from anybody who gets close to him and tries to control their every waking minute? That's what makes him such a great Green Lantern, right? His ability (and need!) to restore order in everything (his order, in particular). Everything that makes him good at his Space Cop job ultimately makes him a terrible romantic partner. I bet once Carol sees Hal punch a little Starling kid in the face, over and over again, she'll lose all her lustful thoughts towards Hal.

Oh! I just had a thought. Is fucking in the surf supposed to be an analogy in itself? You know how I mean! The surf being the natural lubrication process of the woman's sexy bits creating a landscape where sand can actually be comfortably fucked upon. But then when Carol sees how Hal beats the shit out of Evil Star's children, her "beach" will become and arid desert. I bet the last part of this story takes place in the desert! And that's where Carol will be all, "I don't think this is going to work, old chum. My first clue should have been how you keep calling that poor friend of yours 'Pieface.'"

Green Lantern #25 (June 1992)

Neither Ralph Dibny nor Ted Kord would bet on Guy. So what was the actual bet?

The way Ralph and Ted are holding up their fingers, they either bet on how many times Guy would call Hal a cunt or how many times Hal Jordan would make Guy Gardner his absolute bitch. Unless the bet has something to do with the enormous tree stump Blue Beetle is sitting in.

By the way, where is the lower half of Ralph Dibny? Down the back of John Stewart's pants?

This issue is extra long for some reason. That reason probably has something to do with how many people loved seeing a brain-damaged man get his ass beat by a fucking cop. Back in 1992, I would have thought, "Who would admit to wanting to see that?" Here in 2024, I think, "I can't believe how many people vociferously declare they want to witness that."

You can't claim the cop didn't know the man he was about to beat the shit out of has brain damage.

Not long after admitting his disdain for somebody with a severe medical condition, Space Cop Hal Jordan basically calls one of his supposed friends the Inuit N-word.

I didn't even know this slur until I was in my 40s! And I only learned of it because of this fucking bastard's use of it!

Chapter One of this issue, the chapter where Hal searches out Guy Gardner so he can pop him one, was drawn by Tim Hamilton and inked by Gary Yap. I have never heard of either of those artists.

I'm not going to caption this "With good reason" because I am not a big jerko.

I'm sure Tim and Gary had a long and healthy career. Looking Tim up online, I haven't noticed his art has improved over the years. But I did laugh out loud at a number of his New Yorker cartoons (which is a huge compliment because, you know, New Yorker cartoons! Ick!)! I didn't look up Gary Yap because I'm 53. I don't have time for this shit. Can't I just casually insult somebody's most personal work and move on without making myself feel guilty by realizing they're full-fledged actual human beings with hopes, dreams, and careers far greater than anything I'll ever accomplish?! Can't I just be bitter sometimes?!

Borrowed without asking from Tim Hamilton's Webpage

As Hal knocks on Guy's door, Hal thinks to himself, "Maybe Guy Gardner is more than just a brain-damaged fool and he'll see reason when I drop in and threaten to utterly destroy Guy's life by demanding my old job back. Surely I can reach the non-brain-damaged part of his brain!" Guy invites him into his apartment for some tea and intellectual discussion.

I've said all I've got to say about Tim Hamilton's art. But I won't stop you from thinking some really hilarious insults about Hal's proportions!

Don't look too closely at Guy Gardner's kitchen table or else you might notice that he's sewn a makeshift vagina into the tablecloth. For fucking, probably.

It's not fair that I'm insulting some of Tim Hamilton's early work. How would I like it if you were to get your hands on some of my early work?! Did you want some of my early work? You want have a good laugh at my expense? Well, too bad! I thought I had a folder of it somewhere in my office but I can't find it right now. The only thing I can find is my poem, "Being There", which I wrote probably around the time I was reading this comic book! 1992? Possibly. It's in my office because I've transcribed it before in a different review. I'm not going to do that again. But I will scan it!

Check out that groovy dot matrix printer font!

If you thought I was being mean criticizing Tim Hamilton's early art then you can't laugh at my early poem, you hypocrite!

Guy's first instinct when Hal says he's taking back Earth is to tell Hal to go fuck himself. It's a good instinct! Hal's argument is that he wants to be on Earth. Guy's argument is that Hal should suck his fat cock. Hal then explains how he was chosen by Abin Sur and was the first to get the gig. Guy points out that he was also chosen but further away and that his ass could use a gentle licking. Hal's next point is that he battled all the villains for a long time. Guy points out that Hal fucking quit to pout around America while Guy took on the responsibility. Hal argues that Guy did the job wrong. Guy counters by calling Hal a pussy.

Oh? Did that strike a nerve? Pussy.

Guy answers Hal by saying that Hal always wants to talk things out instead of fighting. Um, what? Guy Gardner really is brain damaged if that's his view of Hal! Or else I am because Hal hates to talk! He loves to act! He's a brawler not a negotiator! But, at least this time, Hal refuses to be drawn into a fist fight. He's desperate to work this out through dialogue. Probably because he knows he won't be able to convince Guy through debate and they'll wind up fighting anyway. But he can't be seen as the person who threw the first punch. He needs a legitimate claim to the position on Earth and he knows he won't have that if he simply beats the shit out of Guy without discussing it.

But Guy doesn't immediately take the bait either. I'm pretty sure he knows the game Hal is playing. So instead of getting angry (being that he has every right to the position and all the power at the moment), he chooses to frustrate Hal Jordan with continuity errors and plot inconsistencies.

Come on, Guy. Wait until Zero Hour helps clear up some of the fucked up DC history left behind by Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Ultimately, Guy can't escape his tragic flaw of needing to be the best. Instead of pointing out that the job is his and the conversation is over, Guy challenges Hal to a fight to the near-death, winner take Earth, loser quits the Corps. Guy fell right into Hal's stupid trap. It's the biggest proof of all that Guy is brain-damaged. Who else would fall into a stupid fucking cop trap?!

Hal pretends he doesn't want to solve the problem through fisticuffs but he's only pretending to himself. Guy and the readers know Hal basically came to Earth to win the job in a fist fight. Guy probably decides to challenge Hal because Guy obviously thinks he's the better Green Lantern (he's not wrong in the way he's a more entertaining Green Lantern and better but he is wrong in that he's not the best body for the fascist cop program). Guy's too anarchic to be a good soldier. But he truly believes he can kick Hal's ass and by kicking Hal's ass, the matter will be solved once and for all. See? His tragic flaw! We know he's going to get his ass beat! It's what all the dumb comic book readers want! What I mean by that is that most comic book readers are dumb.

Chapter Two begins with a panel of Hal punching Guy in the face. So he does throw the first punch! Guy was counting on it. Not because it makes Hal look bad but because Guy just wanted to get the fight started already. So he called Hal a loser and a cuck and a gutless idiot and a whiner. You know, all the things Hal is but Hal doesn't want to hear that he is.

Earlier, Fire and Ice realized some shit was about to go down. So they gathered up both Justice Leagues to the scene of the brawl. But Hal also contacted the Green Lantern Corps to come help solve the dispute. The Green Lantern Corps keeps the Justice League from interfering. It's a Corps matter for who gets to protect Earth which means nobody living on Earth gets to have a say. Superman and John Stewart decide they should, at least, keep the two Lanterns from destroying the city as if they were a bunch of Teen Titans settling some Daddy Issues.

It's a good thing they're going to simply brawl because both of them regarded the other's use of Green Lantern constructs as "tricks." They must fucking hate themselves every time they create a giant baseball glove or cricket bat.

Both Hal and Guy point out the other is using "dirty tricks" when they use their rings which makes me think of my most favorite book of all time ever: Sam and the Firefly. If you want to trace my love of anarchy and chaos but also friendship and justice down to one defining piece of media, it's that book by P.D. Eastman.

Am I fucking delusional?! Am I the only one who realizes all Hal Jordan does is solve problems with fist fights?!

The third chapter begins with Guy punching Hal in the face. But this time, no rings! It's all hand-to-hand, baby! Hal's advantage is his military training and experience with punching people in the face. Guy's advantage is teaching gym and physically manhandling juvenile delinquents. And also maybe his brain damage? My money would be on Guy except I know Hal wins and I don't want to lose my money. So, sorry, Guy! I can't support you in this fight! My mother didn't raise no loser! I'm not saying I'm not a loser. I'm saying my mother didn't really put much effort into raising me.

Hal's chastises himself for getting punched so quickly by Guy. He thinks, "That was stupid. He's kept himself younger than me." Um, what? How does a younger person "keep themselves younger" than you? Sometimes I truly forget how fucking stupid Hal Jordan is (which is weird because I often think, "Man, Hal Jordan is so stupid!").

Guy kicks Hal's ass for many, many pages. But then Hal stops fighting because he remembers that issue of Catwoman by Ann Nocenti where she explained what a rope-a-dope was. And even though she explained it entirely incorrectly, Hal manages to rope-a-dope Guy into wearing himself out so that Hal can land the final punch for the knock out. It's not a bad fight at all. It gives Guy some dignity. It shows he's a fighter with a strong will who can channel all the rage and anger that fuels him. But he's arrogant and he defeats himself. I'm just glad Gerard Jones didn't use this opportunity to just make Guy into yet another stupid punchline.

For Guy's part, he admits defeat and, in the end, he gives up his ring without a complaint. See? Dignity! Later, off-panel, he might go dropkick a stray dog into a dumpster. But for now, he handles the defeat like a man who made a challenge and lost. Also he might have a lead on a Qwardian power ring.

Green Lantern #25 Rating: A+. I didn't expect this issue to be much more than a big brawl showcasing how much better Hal is than Guy. But it wasn't that at all. Jones handled the conflict elegantly. Hal obviously knew they'd battle but tried to avoid it. Guy could have kept his position by simply refusing to hear Hal out and sending him on his way. He had no need to justify the challenge to the position on Earth. But Guy couldn't resist a chance to prove he's better than Hal. It was the only way to get these two to fight. And once the fight began, I thought for sure Hal would best Guy easily. It's how Guy's been written by so many other writers who just don't seem to like Guy at all. But Jones allowed Guy to control the fight. To have Hal realize Guy was winning, that Guy could win, that Guy was ultimately more powerful than Hal. And then Hal won due to Guy's arrogance. It might seem like a centuries old trope but it worked out well. Hal's experience gave him a slight upper hand in the conflict and he beat Guy. He also took Guy at his word and forced him to resign from the Corps. Which, once again, could have been a really humiliating moment for Guy. But Guy sucks it up, gives up the ring, and simply declares he'll be back one way or another. But best of all, even though everybody roots for Hal to win, Ice never wavers in her support for Guy. She's the fucking best, isn't she?!