Aquaman #27

Here we see Aquaman (Lamus Oceanic Rex) battling the ultimate monster of the sea, The Karaquan (Coitus Giganticus).

Last issue ended when Arthur created a telepathic link between himself and this creature which caused him to trip his highly pressurized balls off. This issue we will probably learn what that was about and enjoy a battle.

The secondary plot arc was about a reporter who speaks in run-on sentences looking for a scoop on Aquaman. I'm not judging him for his run-on sentences since I don't even know if "run-on" needs the dash or not! If only I could find my Atlantean Style Guide. This reporter can't get anybody to talk to him though because nobody finds the topic of Aquaman very interesting. What's there to say? He speaks with fish and his color choices are questionable at best. Boom! We've exhausted the topic!

The title of this issue is "Life & Death" so I'm expecting it to get very philosophical!

Hmm. What's the difference between "very philosophical" and regular old "philosophical?" I think, as a Writer with a capital "W", I'm not supposed to use the word "very." I should probably also commit to whether I'm going to keep punctuation inside closing quotes or outside of them!

Fuck! Where the hell is that Atlantean Style Guide?!

Oh! I think "philosophical" is where one person says something they think is profound and the other person continues eating their delicious cake without pause and "very philosophical" is where one person says something they think is profound and the other person pauses, makes a bit of a frown while looking at a space between themselves and the corner of the table and does a slight head nod before continuing eating their cake. "Super Philosophical" results in a cake spit take and the cake-eater spending the rest of the week unable to sleep.

And philosophical is what happens! The brawl has come to a stop (Definition of "brawl?": barely philosophical) as The Karaquan communicates its secret origin telepathically to Aquaman.

Arthur learns The Karaquan is a conscientious objector that was forced to fight Atlantis's battles.

This is a "very" good turn of events! I'm always bitching about how Aquaman forces sea creatures into fighting for him with no reward and definitely with no option of telling Aquaman to go fuck himself! What is going to happen when Aquaman realizes he can't just summon a bunch of sharks willy nilly to breach the surface and eat disgusting tasting parademons? Is Aquaman going to have to befriend all of the sea creatures and ask politely? What good is that power if he can't even rely on the creatures around him to help out? I think I can suddenly see the future as clearly as Madame Xanadu and it's an image of Aquaman handing in his Justice League card as Batman mutters, "Ugh. We thought you were useless before...."

Aquaman goes back to battling the Karaquan, severely maiming the creature by cutting off all of its tongues. That's pretty fucked up, Aquaman. While I realize you were saving the people that look most like you, I thought you were King of the Sea? Doesn't that mean you have a responsibility to all sea creatures no matter how large and grotesque and hungry they are? You may have just destroyed this creature's ability to feed. You can't know that its tongues will heal. Also, would you save a bunch of dolphins from being eaten by this creature? When is it wrong for a creature to eat another creature to maintain its life? Is it only wrong when the creatures being eaten look like you? Is that it? You speciesist bastard.

And then we get some explanations as to why the creature suddenly appeared.

Even Dr. Shin gets the irony of his being the moral compass.

Also on board Triton Base is some guy named Coombs. Lord Google tells me he's the secret identity of some Aquaman foe named Creature King who is not documented in either of my Who's Who comics. So he's either newer than 1993 or way super duper older! With a name like Creature King, I'm guessing he's ancient history.

At some point during Aquaman's battle, he's hit so hard that he remembers an old memory of his father. A happier time when the lighthouse was his entire world and Black Manta had not yet caused the death of his father. Stupid Black Manta. Taking away Arthur's childhood innocence! Figuratively, I mean! That would be illegal and disgusting if I meant it literally. I also might figuratively mean the already figurative meaning of it but that begins to get too confusing. So let's just say that Arthur was always happy up until his dad died.

Anyway, his dad taught him the importance of being the Keeper! He must protect the land from the sea and the sea from the land! From his phallus on the shore of a wide, wet expanse, he must make sure that no hankey-pankey takes place. Especially the unwilling kind of hankey-pankey which should be referred to as neither hankey nor pankey!

To save the people of Reykjavik, Arthur shoves his trident through the Karaquan's brain. I don't know if he killed it or he lobotomized it but he definitely didn't win this battle. All he did was kill an innocent sea creature that didn't know its own strength, a creature that had woken up confused and hungry and couldn't be responsible for its own actions. Hopefully Aquaman will think on this and change the way he treats his fellow sea creatures.

Um. Ew. How little respect does this guy have for his King?! If Aquaman wants to defile the defeated creature, that's his business and nobody should sarcastically comment on the appropriateness or inappropriateness of the defilement.

Aquaman did kill the creature and he has no regrets because he knew if it wasn't stopped, it would have eaten everybody in Iceland. I don't know. I know they're a nice people and run a respectable country but would it really have been that big of a deal? Afterward, the creature probably would have moved down to Scotland, deep fried some Scots, ate them, and died of heart disease.

The creature immolates and Neol the Judgmental proclaims that is the way of all the "Avatar Beasts of Atlantis." So there are more? I suppose Creature King will eat some of the Karaquan's brain the Triton Base guys collected and he'll gain the power to control the remaining Avatar Beasts.

Aquaman also gets thanked by some of the local fishermen for saving their lives. Oh, now they're Aquaman fans! I bet they were making Aquaman fucking fish jokes right before all this shit went down! No wonder Aquaman doesn't even respond to them. He knows what's in the hearts of land dwellers! And so do I! More Aquaman jokes!

Aquaman senses the Karaquan's stolen brains moving away and decides to investigate. Meanwhile at Triton Base, Coombs the Once and Future Creature King is about to be attacked by sharks.

Aquaman #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aquaman had a bit of a run there where I didn't find it very interesting. It really felt like rehashing every Aquaman story that always gets rehashed. This story feels like its going in a new direction (well, not totally new if they're reviving an old Aquaman foe named Creature King!) and I hope Parker really delves into Aquaman's relationship with the sea creatures he commands. Or would that just cause things to get too complicated? No! What is "too complicated" in story telling? That just means more enjoyable!