Justice League #34

If Doom wins then how come this issue isn't subtitled "Doom Risen"?

Ugh. How long has this Doom event been fucking going on?! My advice to Snyder: next time, make Lex Luthor smarter so his plan comes to fruition quicker!

Some of the Justice League are in the past hiding in Atlantis with the Justice Society as a captured Poseidon tries to destroy it. They need Vandal Savage's help to get the totality to the future so John Stewart convinces him by yelling, "Oorah!" Hourman and Alan Scott jizz their jeans over his masculinity and decide that maybe a negro member of the Justice Society wouldn't be such a bad thing. You might think I'm letting my cynical view of the world reinterpret the scene in a fairly unforgiving way but I assure you it doesn't come across much better than that. I wonder how they'd feel if John Stewart had convinced Vandal to help them using architecture metaphors?

Did I accidentally pick up the extra-gay version of this month's Justice League?

I think I accidentally stumbled into a new way for DC to make money. Forget variant covers and foil card insert. Why don't they put out extra-gay issues?! They could call one version the "Extra-Straight" version and the other version the "Extra-Gay" just so we don't get into the weeds arguing about why one is called the "Normal Issue." Although I think if two comic books existed that were slight variations of each other and one was the "Extra-Straight" version and one was the "Extra-Gay" version, it would totally be more gay to buy the "Extra-Straight" version. It sounds like that one is going to be full of shirtless men wrestling in totally non-boner inducing ways that are actually super boner inducing.

If DC won't take my super great moneymaking idea that will wind up selling a billion issues of Harley and Poison Ivy #1 (Extra-Gay version) then maybe I can trademark the idea of "Extra-Straight" comic books and sue all the Comicsgaters producing comic books. Do Comicsgate comic books have copy on the covers in huge fonts that say things like "No Gay Characters!" and "If a Character is Black, It's Totally Plot Related!" and "This Won't Pass the Bechdel Test. AT ALL!"?

I think I'm making Comicsgate comic books sound more interesting than they really are! I bet most of them are boring super hero punch ups where characters occasionally reference Pepe the Frog and fly through the air in a pose like they're heiling Hitler.

Back to the plot, is Barry Allen really interested in wearing his hair long? Why am I suddenly finding him interesting? I almost wrote "more interesting" but, you know, it's Barry Allen. The most interesting thing he ever did was appearing out of nowhere during Crisis on Infinite Earths and disintegrating.

Unless Barry was actually asking John if John thought he could rip Vandal's hair off of his head. Although that interpretation makes Barry more interesting as well. What I'm saying is this is the most interesting panel Barry Allen has ever been a part of.

Meanwhile in the future (if that makes any sense at all), Kamandi has gathered up heroes from various futures to RRHAAAOOOR! I'm told by editorial that "RRHAAAOOOR" means "kick some ass" in panther. How come it's usually okay to swear in a foreign language in an all ages comic book?

One of the "heroes" he brings is Lobo. So Brainiac is fucked.

An easy way to tell if a comic book fan is a psychopath is to gauge how angry they get at two things I love to write (largely for that reaction): Deathstroke is a pedophile and Lobo is the most powerful and most fuckable and greatest character to ever come out of DC. Along with websites that track known pedophiles in your neighborhood, I think we should also have a database of people who get irate at the idea that Deathstroke is a pedophile. They go fucking crazy defending a fictional character's reputation over something not worth defending! I might agree they have a point that using the term "pedophile" is misleading at best. He's more of a statutory rapist! But even that gets their Quixotic gears turning. Yes, I'm comparing myself to a majestic windmill.

The Lobo thing doesn't get people so incensed but it does bring out a lot of actually nerds who don't understand how much fun I'm having with my hyperbolic love of such a one trick character. My favorite thing about Lobo is that he looks cool in a way that doesn't look cool at all. How did they do that?! He's a hot clown! He's a MILF: mechanic I'd like to fuck! He's so over-the-top that I can't understand people who try to take him seriously. He's the greatest joke DC has ever played on their readers and I love him unironically. Also, you know Lobo leaves you satisfied after he fucks you. And I don't think it matters if you're female or male or space dolphin. He's gonna give it to you fucking good.

Twelve year old me would totally jerk off to this picture.

The pieces of the Totality are secured and all the Starmen throughout time are linked together psychically. It's their last chance! Perpetua is about to be defeated! I will ignore the cover and pretend that everything is going to work out and that Hawkgirl isn't going to fuck it all up with her desire to bash Luthor in the back of the head with her mace. Hopefully J'onn J'onzz will finally assert his will and get her back on track. Or else the multiverse is doomed! You know. Like Luthor has been trying to explain for forty-five issues.

Welp. Kendra fucked it all up. Perpetua is risen. All hail Doom.

Justice League #34 Final Thoughts: Okay, fine. The big plan failed and Doom won and Perpetua can now manipulate the multiverse however she wants. But there's one thing she forgot to do before declaring victory: she didn't kill Batman. What a fucking amateur move! The first villain to actually begin by killing Batman will be the first villain to completely take over everything. I guess that's why The Joker is the smartest villain in the DC Universe. He's doing the real work.

Justice League #33

I hate variant covers based on other current comic book stories.

You might think that if I hate a cover like this, I wouldn't buy the comic book with this cover. But that kind of thinking assumes I look at the comic books that the retailer shoves in my pull box before I buy them. That's a level of attention I rarely pay to anything in my life so why would I start with the comic books I'm buying? I also hadn't really noticed that all of DC's comics have crept up to five dollars. How is that fucking realistic? I'd rather they just shove more ads in! If the comic costs less, won't more people purchase it meaning more eyes will see the adverts meaning DC can charge more for ads?! I'm pretty sure I understand capitalism perfectly and that's the way it works. I also understand another aspect of capitalism which says I'm going to have to drop even more DC Comics from my pull list because my wallet has begun wailing intermittently and dripping blood.

I've been reading a lot of my newer comic books lately because I want to get to where I'm reviewing comics the week they came out and also because Eclipso is on the top of my old comic books to review stack and I wasn't impressed by the first issue.

This issue begins with the Monitor, the Anti-Monitor, and the World-Forger holding hands. Is it weird that the Anti-Monitor, who destroyed an infinite number of universes, now wants to save one? I suppose it's less about saving the universe and more about sticking it to his mother. I can totally get behind that.

I know you're supposed to say how much you love your mother and how your mother did everything for you and how she sacrificed and toiled and loved unconditionally so that you could be the person you've become. But can't we also acknowledge the hard times and the resentments and the screaming matches and the time you called her to thank her for the Christmas gift and she was all, "I know it's not what you wanted," and you were all, "No, no. It's totally what I wanted," and she was all, "But it's not the main thing you wanted," and you were all, "But it's totally what I wanted too," and then she was all, "You always have to be right, don't you?" and you were all, "What the fuck just happened?" and then you politely ended the call and didn't talk to her for another year or so. Because if you can't talk about the hardships, then where is the heart and meaning in letting go of the resentments and growing to appreciate that even if she started some seriously weird fights over nothing, at least she was there. Unlike that big fake, your father! Where the fuck were you, asshole?

Um. *cough* So.

Due to holding hands, they morph together to become the Omni-Monitor.

Is Scott Snyder suggesting children should band together and rise up to overthrow their parents? Even if it were to save the world, there's no way you'd get me to merge with my sister. Gross. Why is Snyder even suggesting such a possibility?! Weirdo.

John Stewart finally mentions he's an architect while speaking with Alan Scott. His days as an architect have been overshadowed by his days as a marine pretty much since the New 52 began. Although I'm not sure he's really concerned with his days as an architect when he follows up "I'm a soldier and an architect" with "Both work on the belief that every fight, every founding struggle, serves an overall climb." Maybe he's confusing a career architect with the more metaphorical use of architect when discussing the framers of the constitution or the founding fathers attempting to build democracy. I don't ever remember Mike Brady discussing his work as if every job were a fight or a struggle serving an overall climb. Mostly he was just desperate to impress his boss with new designs of theme parks as he pulled out posters of Yogi Bear.

The plan to defeat Luthor and Perpetua needs impeccable timing so of course one part of the plan fires off before it should. That part is Hawkwoman. Lex Luthor gets in her head and she flips the fuck out just the way a good Hawkperson always does. Now she might burn out all of her energy before Starman can set up a cosmic link between the Justice League in the past using the Conch of Arion to establish their position and the Justice League in the future getting their ass kicked by Brainiac One Million as Kamandi comes up with a plan to link with Starman. The plan is so complex I figured it needed an equally complex sentence to explain it.

Everybody in the past and everybody in the future are acting as if what they do is urgent. Why? Why is it urgent? The action happening in the present isn't happening at the same time as the action happening in the future and the past. The guys in the past can take years to get the job done and it wouldn't matter! Just because I, as an independent observer, am reading all of these story arcs at the same time, it doesn't mean the stories are happening at the same time. Starman can just contact the people in the future and the past exactly at the point they're ready for him whenever he thinks it's convenient to contact them! He doesn't have to wait until they accomplish whatever they're doing. Whatever they need done has already been accomplished! Especially the deed in the past but also the deed in the future, by the way all of this shit works. I mean, the future still exists for the Justice League to travel to so Starman must be successful in the present. Right?! Is that how time works?!

I know I'm discussing comic book time travel but I'd still like some kind of structure to the logic of it all!

It's always a bad idea to introduce more interesting characters as second stringers or background actors into the middle of an epic. Because now I don't give a fuck about Luthor and the Legion of Doom. I want more Vandal Savage and the Legionnaires Club stories!

Apparently everything is going wrong and the multiverse is going to succumb to doom. And only one kid can save it all: Kamandi, the last girl on Earth! But she realizes that she can't save the multiverse by herself because the multiverse can't be saved by just one person and also it can't be saved by just however many people compromise the current Justice League and Justice Society. No, the exact amount of people to save the multiverse includes Batman Beyond and his Justice League! Why they weren't helping before or why they exist in Kamandi's world, I have no idea. Maybe Kamandi jumped from one Brainiac jar to the next to find them? You know what, I don't care. I don't even care that Batman Beyond is entering into this comic book. I was never that interested in it and was even less interested in it when it turned out he was Tim Drake just before Tim Drake became a vampire and time traveled back to the twenty-first century to become Harvest.

Justice League #33 Rating: I don't know. Who am I to rate somebody else's work? If you enjoy comic book writing and art, this is probably an A. Unless you only like the specific comic book writing and art paid for by Marvel and then this is probably a big fat F unless you can think of a lower grade. Maybe you just love Snyder's work because you're James Tynion IV and then this is an Omni-A+. But then again, you might be a comicsgater who hates that there are so many female and black characters in this comic book which is obviously just pandering because when you think like a comicsgater, what else is there, in which case this is a big Cuck-F-Doodle-Doo! I don't fucking care what anybody thinks and I don't know why anybody cares what I ultimately think. Just read the stupid jokes I made about the comic and my parents and fucking be happy with that! I'm not here to tell you what to think otherwise! I'm probably even going to drop the rating part so that you jerks can start thinking for yourselves!

Justice League #14

"Okay! Everybody smile and look violent!"

Only one thing happens in this comic book that I want to talk about.

What hack writer put this fucking scene together? Let's see...oh, it was James Tynion IV! I suppose the Justice League is all about huge threats and terrible consequences. But does Superman have to be so stupid that he would suggest evacuating the planet as opposed to calling for his portal to the Phantom Zone? Or maybe just flying Starman into space? Or maybe asking a magic-user to send Starman to a dimension where he could cause a ton of destruction and nobody would care, like Gemworld? What about getting on the phone to Plastic Man to encase Starman in a Plastic Man cartoon-powerful invulnerable cocoon? Or maybe just have Batman solve the problem with a bat-thingy? I suppose I could continue to list options that would be much quicker than "evacuating the planet," but why am I over here trying to do James Tynion IV's job for him?!

I get this scene isn't really that important and it's just supposed to tell the reader, "Fucking hell! The Justice League must save the entire world yet again! But not this month! Ha ha! Huge cliffhanger!" But what the scene really does is just make Superman look stupid. And I'm tired of Superman looking stupid.

Grade: Fuck you. Other than that, it was pretty good because Hawkman was revealed to be a huge jerk again. And J'onn J'onzz got a martian boner and had to run from a dance. It was like watching Degrassi Junior High all over again!

Justice League #10

This is obviously going to be a terrible issue.

I'm not exactly sure why I continue to read all of the Justice League books. I suppose I still retain a small part of the comic book fan I used to be. The one that wanted to believe all of the hype surrounding every big change in the DC Universe, as if it were part of a larger story that would somehow, eventually, resolve into a coherent plot. It's like when you believe life means something because how could it not? Experiencing the beauty and tragedy of this world practically forces a person into thinking it must all be for some reason. But eventually, if you're paying any sort of attention and haven't been completely brainwashed and deluded by outside sources that want to control and manipulate your every action (or, simply, by your own selfish ego that insists on eternal existence), you see the truth and you say, "Fuck you, Keats! Truth is not beauty at all! What the fuck were you talking about?! Truth is a dark pit of despair washing away all hope and wonder and screaming in your face, 'Sentience is an accident that will ultimately betray you!'" And that's how I've felt about Scott Snyder since the end of "Death of the Family." The good shit he wrote was an accident and he, ultimately, betrayed me. Sometimes I'm thankful when he ditches a project to let James Tynion IV take over. At least then I get to write speculative conversations about what Tynion did to become Snyder's lackey.

This issue is the prelude to Aquaman Month. It's not a coincidence that Aquaman Month is taking place in No Nut November (which, by the way, I refuse to believe is a real thing since isn't everything now just the creation of some wayward posting on 4chan or Reddit? The dark monsters posting there have become our true gods now). And now that I've mentioned not nutting, I'm suddenly not interested in Aquaman! Not that I was ever interested in Aquaman. That statement itself is not a wild proclamation. It probably ever needs to be written. In any description of anybody ever (like say an About the Author blurb or a Grindr profile), I automatically, in my head, append "Not a fan of Aquaman." Being a fan of Aquaman is the kind of thing you have to state and then restate after the person listening to you finally hears something you're saying and says, "What the fuck did you just admit to?" Also, they weren't listening to you up until that point because I'm assuming that if you're an Aquaman fan, you're boring as shit.

Oh, don't get me wrong about my dislike of Aquaman! I hate being on the same side of a debate as the people who make fun of Aquaman because they know you're supposed to make fun of Aquaman. Everybody knows he's the joke character of the Justice League and it's okay to make fun of him. I am the kind of Aquaman hater that Aquaman lovers despise. I am a well-informed Aquaman hater. I was there during his four issue miniseries where he got the blue waves costume and everybody thought Aquaman was going to be the next big thing in comics. It is true that series was worth a lot of money for the length of time it took everybody to read all four issues. But it didn't do anything for Aquaman. He still sucked. Now he just sucked even worse because he starred in a series that was basically a therapy session that he mostly just weeps in. I was also there for Peter David's attempt to make him angsty by giving him long hair and a hook. I would explain how well that changed Aquaman's standing if I could actually remember any of the series. In any case, he's just one of those things that keeps on sucking, no matter how many memes show him commanding sharks to jump out of the water to eat parademons.

Oh, sorry! I was going to speak about not nutting when I was rudely interrupted by my lack of reverence for Aquaman. Apparently people think not nutting helps a person to retain their chi and, thus, have more energy to accomplish things. I think that line of argument is true but in a way that nobody talks about. Refraining from jerking off while also not being able to get laid does not mean you suddenly have more energy stored up to accomplish greater things. But it's not about the saved energy at all. It's more about the distraction. If you want to jerk off, you think about jerking off until you've jerked off. Once you jerk off, your mind is clear. The desire has been satiated and you can move on without distraction. No Nutters live in a constant state of distraction. They constantly think about jerking off because they won't jerk off. And to keep themselves from jerking off, they need to distract themselves even further. So they do things that aren't jerking off while thinking, "Holy shit do I want to bust a load." I'd rather interact with people who have freshly jerked off (one reason I'm against shaking hands, by the way) or gotten laid because I know that whatever we're talking about, it's what they actually want to talk about. But if you're dealing with a No Nutter, you're dealing with somebody who is thinking about busting a nut the entire time you're interacting with them. It's disgusting. Go fucking jerk off, you gross withholder of self-gratification.

Anyway, enough about jerking off! Let's discuss the jerk-off, Aquaman!

In the prologue to Drowned Earth, Aquaman learns that evil water heroes that have also been rejected by their planets exist throughout the universe. They're angry at people thinking they're useless, especially when it comes to space travel and interstellar conflicts, and they're going to teach every person on Earth that water-based hero aren't jokes! Will Aquaman side with them or we will swallow his dignity and help those who can't stop cracking talks with fish jokes?!

Grade: C. Sometimes I wonder why expect this comic book to be about the relationships between the greatest heroes on Earth instead of realizing it's just about making them fight threats to the entire world (if not the entire universe). Sometimes I wonder if I spend money on this book because, deep down, I truly fucking despise myself. Whatever's going on, you can be assured that I'll be reading entire Drowned Earth story!

Dark Nights: Metal #5

How many teeth do people from the Dark Multiverse have?

This series is only on Issue #5 and yet it started in the fall of 1992. It's spawned thousands of tie-in issues and forced millions of people to wake up one morning thinking, "What the fuck happened to Scott Snyder? 'Black Mirror' wasn't just a wet dream, was it? Did he wake up one morning thinking, 'I can't wait to do to comics what Geoff Johns did to comics' mom!'" Sometimes when I have a thought, I think, "That must be a thing millions of people have thought previously." Then I use that thought to back-up the previous thought with thought statistics. It's most of the reason why I know I'm the sexiest comic book critic alive. Although it's not most of the reason why I know I'm the greatest comic book critic alive. You just have to go online and read all the rest of comic book criticism to learn that.

I have noticed some people think I care more about comic books than I actually do. I'm constantly being sent questions about my feelings on various comic book characters and story arcs. What these people don't understand is that I mostly don't give a shit about any of this crap. Here is a question I got recently (twice!): "Have Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern ever had sidedicks? If not why if yes how?" Even if I knew every fact about the history of the DC Universe, how am I supposed to answer "how" Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern have had sidedicks. I mean, Martian Manhunter can have as many sidedicks as he wants, being a shapechanger. So I guess the question is easier to answer than I thought. But I don't want to answer questions like that! As I mentioned in my newsletter, "I'm not writing a history of comic books; I'm writing a memoir of my bitterness and hate." What people should be asking me are questions like "How many of your strokes is Scott Lobdell responsible for?" and "How many times have you hate-masturbated to Ann Nocenti's Katana?"

Here's another question I received that I apparently forgot to answer by not really answering: "Why does Wonder Woman treat Donna like a Pariah, she shows her no affection or care, she is a shitty mentor." First off, Donna is a pariah. Second off, she never asked to be mentor to a character created out of editorial stupidity. Third off, she hates Terry Long and disowned Donna the minute she started dating that monster. Fourth off, I don't fucking care about shit like this! You want the real answer?! Wonder Woman treats Donna like a pariah because the writer of the story line which caused you to think Wonder Woman treats Donna like a pariah probably hates Donna Troy! Maybe stop wondering shit like this and try to reflect on why your mother treated you like a pariah! I know it's true because you're a comic book fan.

I should probably begin proving why I'm the best comic book reviewer in the world now.

But before I do that, I should express a concern I have. I sometimes worry that if I ever meet Greg Capullo and one of my stupid friends says, "This is that jerk from the Internet, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!", I'm going to get my ass kicked. So nobody tell Greg Capullo how stupid I think Metal is.

This is so true. I wake up screaming every morning.

I don't actually wake up screaming. It takes a few moments for me to recall who I am and what my life has become before I begin.

After some superhero battles meant to extend the story by making it exciting, Bat-Joker reveals a new secret. "Endings are the loudest of all!" It's so Scott Snyder to begin the comic book by saying something that seems to make sense because he gave two examples to back up his ridiculous statement ("Beginnings are loud because the Big Bang and babies! Never mind that the Big Bang wasn't loud at all because nobody was there to hear it. That's philosophy!") only to reveal that the opposite of the statement is really true! What a twist! I feel so smart having read that! He truly knows how to manipulate narratives and fangenders!

The issue ends with all of the Justice League members losing their Nth metal to the Dark Knights. All hope seems lost! Except Batman and Superman have decided to take a plunge into the Forge of Worlds' magma pit because why not? And Wonder Woman takes the narrative spine of the story (you know, the thing about noise and loudness and screams and shit) and turns it on its head! She doesn't scream at all; she yells her war cry! OH MY GOD! I just busted my comic book nut. Scott Snyder is so fucking good at this!

I think I have a long enough history writing these things that I don't have to point out sarcasm, right?

Dark Nights: Metal #5: As comic book events go, this is a big one. You can tell it's a big one because the editors get off the Snyder's metaphorical dick and allow him to pull from whatever continuity and canon he wants, and to manipulate it to whatever ends he desires. Bring in Sandman from Vertigo? Sure, why not?! Use Plastic Man in a serious manner? Oh yeah! Big events practically call for that to happen! Age Batman thirty years in an alternate dimension and then have him back to normal by the end somehow? Pretty much standard big event fare, that. Create a timeline based completely on Batman being the center of everything and also the reason everything goes wrong due to his hubris that, being the center of everything, he can stop all the bad stuff himself? Well, come on! This is DC Comics, after all! This is the kind of shit comic book fans shove up their vaginas as fast as they can possibly lube themselves up. It's 98% marketing and 2% Scott Snyder's semen. But a lot of fangenders really seem to love that stuff. The marketing, not the semen. I mean, I'm sure some like the semen. It's James Tynion IV approved!

What I'm saying is, I guess it's stupid fun. And there's almost always room for stupid fun. Unless the current president is Donald Trump and practically everybody in congress has been bought by the NRA. Then maybe we should put aside the stupid fun and do something about this shit. Not me, of course! I'm too old and Gen-Xy! The newer generations need to fix this shit. We Gen-Xers stated right out of the gate that we weren't ever getting involved. We're Walter in Get Out. We might not be much help but we know what the fuck is going on and we'll be really funny explaining it.

Dark Nights: Metal #4

No. YOU got lube on YOUR scanner.

It's been five years since Metal #3 hit the stands but thanks to great planning by way of writing a blog entry about Metal #3, I remember exactly what was happening! Well, maybe not exactly since the plot points are punctuated by a bunch of dick jokes. I can't be certain, five years later, which dick jokes were actually part of Metal #3 and which ones I just made up. But at least I have a better than vague notion of what was happening!

This issue begins with the Sandman reminding everybody how the Metal story was interrupted by some stupid tie-ins that should probably have been left unwritten, ending their lives in his library of stories that were never told. I guess Sandman is in this tie-in because Scott Snyder was all, "You know what character would bring a bit of intellectual literary seriousness to this story? Plastic Man! Ha ha! Just kidding. Dream of the Endless! Why not give Neil Gaiman's coattails some riding time! We can give Alan Moore's a break for a week or two. Oh, that reminds me. Do we own any of Warren Ellis's characters and stories? We should monetize those too! And look in on Dave Sim and Gerhard's health. Cerebus is public domain when those fogeys die and I've got a great idea for a Cerebus/Ambush Bug team-up!"

Dream's prologue gives way to Batman being freed from imprisonment in the Dark Multiverse. His escorts off the Dark Multiverse battery are dark versions of Superman (one of them is electric blue Superman. He's now a dark dream of what might have been so I guess Rebirth couldn't bring that bullshit back into canon (although it did in that Action Comics Mr. Mxyzptlk story (sort of))). One of them wears a glove full of different colored Kryptonite because he's an idiot? I was going to begin a rant that starts out with "Who carries a weapon that can be turned against them so easily?!" before I remember police use guns. Maybe I can adapt what I was going to say as "Who carries a weapon that can only destroy a small percentage of people in the universe when you, the carrier of that weapon, are part of that small percentage?!" But I won't because that sentence is unwieldy.

You've probably already figured it out by my previous paragraph: Batman wrests control of this weapon (a glove, to be exact) to turn it against Superman. This is a comic book so I shouldn't ask for realism, especially when the story is already on such insubstantial footing as having Superman wield a Kryptonite weapon but can somebody please explain to me how Batman tears a glove off of Superman?! No wait! I can tell myself! This is what happens when you wear a glove practically made out of Kryptonite, Superman! Your hand becomes as weak as a baby's so that you can't even stop somebody from pulling it from your hand! Idiot.

Anyway, the battle never takes place because Batman (who has been strapped to the Dark Multiverse battery for thirty years and really, really needs to shit) calls to Dream for rescue. It's a good thing it's the Daniel version of Dream and not the Morpheus version of Dream. Morpheus never would have helped Batman. He would have just looked on bored and been all, "Really, really. I can't get involved. When I get involved, I cause...complications. I mean, I get involved sometimes but that's only if the thing I'm manipulating will eventually lead to my death. It surprises some people when they realize the entirety of the Sandman run was just one long, convoluted suicide." Daniel is more like, "I'm chipper and upbeat! Go go Sandman Dream Powers!" And just like that, Batman and Superman are pulled from the Dark Multiverse! Now if Batman could just get Destiny and Death to intervene, this story could end in just a few more pages.

With that done, the story returns to the heroes traveling the universe looking for Nth metal to save the day.

I get that maybe "gym selfies" represents pride but what does pushing nuns down stairs represent? Oh! Lust, of course!

Wonder Woman and her gang defeat the seven sins while Aquaman and Deathstork climb into Arion's crypt seeking the Nth metal below Atlantis. Over on Thanagar Prime (a planet heretofore unknown to even Hal Jordan (as if that's supposed to be surprising to anybody but Hal Jordan. He doesn't strike me as the studious type), Hal and Mr. Terrific learn that Lord Synn has taken over the planet with help from his buddy, Starro. Starro's big reveal is that he no longer needs the little stars to take control of the populace of a planet. That's just stupid! That was the best part of Starro! Plus it allowed him to control multiple planets all across the universe and it allowed me to rationalize it! But I can't suspend my disbelief if the little stars aren't stuck to people's faces and yet they're still being controlled while Starro is a thousand light years away micro-managing one of his other holdings. Lord Synn explains that he can't help them because he already knows how to deal with Earth after the Dark Multiverse has taken it over.

He does mean razing, right? If not, I don't know what he's talking about.

Scott Snyder's Starro speaks like a character from one of Grunion Guy's novels. He ends a lot of sentences with "idiot" or "moron" or "jerko!" Well, maybe not "Jerko!" since I've trademarked that. At least I told my assistant, Pickle Boy, to put in the paperwork. I'm sure he got around to it.

Back in The Dreaming, Daniel tells Superman and Batman a story which explains what's happening. At the beginning of the universe, a couple more beings than the Monitor and Anti-Monitor were created. One was the forger and the other was his dragon, Barbatos. The Forger created every world in DC's universe and Barbatos destroyed the ones that weren't selling well. But then Barbatos killed The Forger and forgot to keep doing his job, letting terrible worlds survive. That probably explains The New 52. But now he wants to destroy the Rebirth worlds as well! And DC can't have that because they've invested quite a bit of their reputation in fixing their stupid fucking universe that they keep breaking by way of fixing it. So, eventually, this fix will be seen as the next break that must be fixed. But for now, Barbatos must be stopped before he destroys DC Comics!

Wonder Woman's team's plan goes off the rails when...well, I don't want to say. If you haven't read this comic book, you'll be left thinking, "Why are you always making shit up, Tess? Can't you ever just explain the plot in as straightforward and boring a way as possible? You know, the way the Weird Science Blog guys do it?" And I don't want you thinking ill of me! I'd scan the scene in but I've been known to present some pretty amazing photoshops before so you still might not believe it. But maybe...just maybe...you understand how Scott Snyder writes comic books. He understands that they're supposed to be ridiculous and the more ridiculous they are, the more people he can convince that they're good. So considering that, I guess I'll mention what happens. Kendra whips out the Anti-Monitor's brain so she can whip it into the center of the Multiverse which will destroy the Dark Multiverse (along with Batman, Superman, and Hawkman). But before she can do that, she turns into Lady Blackhawk. Not the military Lady Blackhawk that is probably a lesbian but some weird Hawk and Dove type birdlike manifestation of god-like powers. Then she's all, "All roads lead back to darkness!" which totally isn't true because some roads lead to the light bulb factory. I mean, they must, right? Anyway, after that, Black Adam appears and incinerates Doctor Fate because the other things were just too boring to hold a comic book reader's attention.

And finally, Batman and Superman arrive at the World Forge in the hopes to save the world by, I don't know, forging a new world? But they find the forge has gone out. And guarding the forge, they find Hawman spouting nonsense.

So Barbatos the dragon has a dragon of his own in Hawkman? Okay. I guess!

Metal #4 Rating: I have two ratings for this book! If you're a big stupid comic book fan that laps up every exciting tie-in that you know is exciting because the people making and selling the comic book have gone on record as saying, "I haven't felt this good reading a book since I jerked off while reading a different book!" then you'll probably love this book. Five out of five stars! But if you're a person who has realized in middle age that maybe comic books are far less intelligent than you used to give them credit for, this comic book rates as two giant hawk turds out of however many hawk turds equals a good book. Two hawk turds means it's not a good book, even in hawk turd terms.

If you managed to read your way through this entire thing and somewhat enjoyed the experience, how about signing up to my Newsletter where I talk more about the comics I read but don't feel like making huge blog posts about? I also talk about other things that are more controversial than comic books. Like what you can and can't put your dick in when people are watching. You should sign up! I publish one per week so you won't be spammed by them. Plus, I've been notified by some people, you won't be spammed by them because they go right in your spam folder anyway!

Dark Nights: Metal #3

I'm trying to be more positive so I'd like to praise John Romita Jr. for how well he draws monster teeth. If he drew them, that is!

If John Romita Jr. actually had drawn them, I'd expect them to be boxier, like the monster had a mouth full of C batteries. It wouldn't surprise me at all if somebody else drew the monster teeth on this cover for John Romita Jr. I remember a time when I thought the guitarist for Extreme, Nuno Bettencourt, was one of the greatest guitarists of all time. Right up until I read the liner notes and discovered Dweezil Zappa played the solo in Play With Me and the entire Flight of the Bumblebee bit. Although now I can't find any verification of this on the Internet except for a couple of people on a wiki discussion page asking the same question about crediting Dweezil Zappa on Extreme's first album. Now I want to track down an old copy of the tape version of the album to see exactly what the liner notes said! I think maybe Nuno Bettencourt made a deal with the devil to change history so he wouldn't feel humiliated about that first album. Um, it's also possible that I'm remembering things incorrectly. I'm not going all in on my memory being sacrosanct and declaring this an example of the Mandela Effect! Although that's what the Mandela Effect is anyway! People declaring their faulty memories are more correct than proven facts. So, um, maybe I should! Dweezil Zappa totally did all the guitar work for Extreme, except for the part in "More Than Words" when the acoustic guitar is thumped. I think Nuno could take care of that.

Last issue ended with Batman being slapped between two pieces of cheese and becoming a wagon wheel. No wait. He became an entire wagon! The wagon thing was due to his name being Wayne which meant he was the wagon that would carry Barbatos to Earth-New-Earth. But before Barbatos can joy ride in, the Bat-inspired evil Justice League need to remake Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's kind of like when I reserve a hotel room and the staff makes sure the floors, walls, and ceiling are lined with tin foil and mayonnaise.

Superman and Wonder Woman, who were defeated by Batjoker, wake up thanks to Diana's lasso of truth (which she apparently has again? For some reason? I'm not currently reading Wonder Woman but last I read, she left it behind to help some stupid kid not die or something). Now they have to save the world! Although they really should know that this is Batman's story and it's going to be up to him to save the world. If I were Superman or Wonder Woman, I would just find a quiet place to ride this shitstorm out.

Wonder Woman seems to know what's up. That's probably explained in the issue where Doctor Fate gathers all the heroes together to tell them how to beat Barbatos. I don't know what issue that will be. Or was? I don't think I missed any issues but this beginning is a bit confusing. I guess the reader is supposed to be viewing everything through Superman's eyes since he has no clue what's been happening. He's just as surprised as I was to see Jimmy Olsen transformed into Most Definitely Not Superman's Pal, Doomsday Olsen.

Superman ditches Wonder Woman because why go into battle supported by somebody practically just as strong as you? Better to just fly into a rage and straight into a situation you know nothing about. It almost always works out anyway. Sure, sometimes you die for awhile. But that's barely a speed bump if you're Superman!

How come heroes always say shit like this? Have they never been around their friends when their friends are drunk? "Good" goes out the window pretty fucking easily.

The Flash races out of a giant ankh to rescue Superman from the Bat-inspired evil Justice League. He takes him to The Oblivion Bar where Detective Chimp reminds everybody that the DC Universe heartily sucked for a long while because Dan DiDio believed it wasn't a place for fun and whimsy. Of course, that's all being taken care of now with this Rebirth and Watchmen shit. Now all the idiots who thought Comics Shouldn't Be Fun Again are backpedaling and pretending it was the fault of everybody but the editors in charge. "It was the Watchmen! They changed it all for the worse!" "It was the fans! This is what they said they wanted!" "It wasn't Jim Lee, Geoff Johns, or Dan DiDio at all! Stop looking at us! I mean them!"

Oh! Tomorrow is Friday the 13th! I have to remember to play the Friday the 13th video game tomorrow because they have to do something special, right? Like maybe log the IP of everybody who plays and send Jason around to murder us all? How fun would that be! Seriously! Please somebody kill me. This country has gotten so terrible.

Racist! Or anti-golem? Whatever it is, it's probably gross, right? Am I doing youth correctly?

Other people hiding out in the Oblivion Bar are Steel, Mister Terrific, the Justice League, Green Arrow, Damian Wayne, and Plastic Man stuck in the form of a giant egg. But even as an egg, he's able to vibrate out a message. Wonder Woman translates it as "Oh. OH! OoOoOoHhHhHh! OH ZEUS YES!" Mister Terrific translates it as coordinates to deep space, beneath Atlantis, and the center of the multiverse. What kind of chart can graph those coordinates? An XYZZZZZZZZZZZ chart? I buy that Mister Terrific can figure them out but how the fuck did Plastic Man do the math on them? He's just a petty, clumsy crook turned accidental superhero! I don't remember him being a maths genius!

Plastic Egg also gives some negative coordinates and Mister Terrific is all, "These don't make sense! I may be a genius but I don't understand how coordinates work!" Luckily Superman is there to be all, "Nobody pay attention to this whole thing about negative numbers not being valid coordinates! He probably means the Dark Multiverse!" And everybody is all, "Whew! Good save, Superman! That certainly was a job for you!"

Deathstork arrives to help out because he has a Promethium sword. It's not Nth metal but it'll do the trick when it comes to hurting the Batjerks. Now everybody can split up and go explore all the coordinates Plastic Egg vibrated into Mister Terrific's ear. Ear? Yeah, it was probably his ear.

Steel, Flash, and Superman team up to rescue Batman from the Dark Multiverse. Mister Terrific, Green Lantern, and Plastic Egg team up to head into deep space. Doctor Fate, Green Arrow, and Wonder Woman head to the Rock of Eternity. And Aquaman and Deathstork head to the place beneath Atlantis.

Most of the teams have an easy job, following the coordinates. But Superman's team has to rely on Superman making up a theory as to how they can get to the Dark Multiverse. Luckily, it's a comic book so science that is pure speculation is usually good enough to get the job done.

Superman makes it to the Dark Multiverse but finds that it's a trap! Surprise! Batman was trying to warn Superman not to save him but Superman was too dumb to figure out Batman's genius code. So typical of Superman. He never does the smart thing. He should have listened to Nightwing. Everybody should listen to Nightwing! He's the only one that ever knows what's going on.

Not only is it a trap but it's part of Barbatos's plan. He needs Superman's body to be the battery for his gadget to turn Earth-Main-Earth into a hell dimension. It's too bad that all of the ancient texts Hawkman and Hawkwoman read didn't say something about Superman being the key to the rise of Barbatos. All the clues pointed to Batman! So once again, Hawkman fucked up. What an idiot.

Dark Nights: Metal #3 Rating: Not too bad. I mean, Mister Terrific, the world's third smartest man, made a stupid mistake. But that's to be expected when Not the World's Third Smartest Man is writing the comic book. It's hard to write a genius when you have to know things. Which sucks because writers are writers so they don't have to know stuff! You get to just make shit up! I mean, sure, you can do research. But what if you don't know you need to do research when you're writing about something like, say, coordinates?! Obviously all coordinates must be positive, right? How can negative coordinates exist in the world?! That doesn't make any sense! Which is why latitude and longitude are totally fake news. Those places in negative latitudes and longitudes either don't exist or are composed of pure evil.

Mainly I'm excited for the Aquaman/Deathstork team-up. I hope that becomes a forty-five issue maxi-series.

Dark Nights: Metal #2

I could tell this cover was by John Romita Jr. because of Batman's stupid batarang. I believe that's the specialized batarang used for attaching trees to super-villains¹.

Here's a recap of the previous Metal episodes: Scott Snyder saw a show discussing dark matter and screamed "Eureka!" so loudly that Scott Tynion IV stopped sucking his dick long enough to ask, "What the hell?" Scott was all, "Remember that idea I had..."

"WE had!" reminded James, lovingly fingering Scott's butthole.

"Yeah, yeah! That's what I meant! Don't worry, James. You'll always get credit on almost every story you help brainstorm with me. And you know what I mean by brainstorm, right? Wink, wink. I'm winking right now but I dubbed it so that you would know what I was doing seeing as you're kind of busy down there. Anyway, that idea we had! The one about Nth Metal being the meta gene and how it got all confusing to the scientists because the file was named META.TXT instead of METAL.TXT for reasons that I decided not to linger on for too long because they don't really exist? Well guess where I just decided Nth Metal comes from?! The Upside-down! I mean, the Dark Universe! Which is the same as the Upside Down but with scientific reasons involving dark matter. And since the word 'dark' is in the term, it will be a place of evil! Just like the Upside-down!"

"That's great, Scott. But you're going to write this story yourself, right? I'm kind of busy over at Detective Comics making sure that the young heroes treat Batman like he's the Patriarchy. Because, you know, he totally is. He's the worst!"

"Sure, of course I'll...wait a second. What are you doing? Are you fucking out of your mind?"

"No way! Millennials love this take! They tweet at me and tumbl at me all the time about how they've been reading my stuff via torrent and they love what I'm doing!"

"Whatever. Finish me off already. Just try not to turn Detective Comics into Batman and Robin Eternal."

That's the end of the recap! If you wanted the money shot to be included, go write it yourself! You can say something like, "Scott groaned meaningfully while mumbling 'Geoff Johns sucks donkey balls!' under his breath. Then surprise came across Tynion's face as Scott Snyder came across it too."

This issue begins with another entry from Carter Hall's diary. It's just to remind all the Fangenders (who don't actually need reminding except when something will be integral to the plot) how Krona created the Multiverse by opening a viewing window to see God masturbating. God's jizz flew through the viewing portal and seeded the universe with dozens of baby universes (maybe even an infinite amount of dozens, depending on when you began reading DC Comics). But the entry is interrupted when Superman notices Bat Symbols all over the Earth. He calls the Justice League to hunt down and kill Batman.

The Justice League tracks a half-dozen Batman's to the Amazon. Robin is also with them driving a VW minibus through the jungle. I don't know where all the Batmen have come from. Perhaps they're paid actors from Gotham Community College getting a few credits for this excursion? Anyway, I'd just ignore the Batmen on the Bat-cycles and go for Robin. He's obviously carrying something important inside that minivan and I bet that something is the real Batman!

The alterna-Batmans turn out to be other members of the Bat Family who have nothing better to do than jump when Batman says jump rather than asking why they should jump and what is Batman up to and why is he pissing off the entire Justice League and, you know what, I don't fucking want to be a part of that, Batasshole! Not only do they fuck with the Justice League, their entire plan is to piss of Swamp Thing so he'll keep the Justice League busy!

This is just cruel. Stop manipulating Swamp Thing into doing your dirty work, Batman!

Now that I know the Batmen were all members of the Bat-family, I want to know which jerk was captured by Aquaman. So embarrassing! I bet it was Red Hood.

It turns out Batman was in Robin's VW Minivan which is what they all should have guessed because I guessed it but forgot to mention it. Now you're probably thinking, "Oh right! I bet you did! What a liar!" But you should know I'm telling the truth because I could have just as easily (and more believably!) gone back and edited the review by saying what I was going to say before I got distracted! You know what? I'm going to do it anyway! Fuck your sense of reality!

Anyway, Superman figures it out and swoops down to threaten Batman. He picks him up and flies him into the sky saying, "All I have to do is barely squeeze. You can't even imagine how little pressure I need to add to my grip before your torso just rips like wet toilet paper. I mean, it's difficult not to explode you! You realize how many mathematical calculations I'm doing every minute just so I don't destroy everything I touch?! Imagine walking around a world built out of tissue paper and trying to navigate it without destroying it completely?! To me, you Earthlings are less substantive than a jelly doughnut!" But Batman is all, "If you squash me, you'll die because I drank a gallon of Kryptonite after getting out of the shower this morning! I'm like a deadly piñata!"

Fun Fact #1: To get the "n" with the tilde on it, I looked up "jalapeno" on Google so I could copy and paste the ñ. I don't know why I didn't just look up piñata!"

Fun Fact #2: When I just went to past in the ñ in piñata in the previous sentence, instead of typing CTRL-V, I typed CTRL-N and just about shit myself when my entire review disappeared! Luckily I realized pretty quickly that I'd just opened a new browser page.

Batman finally decides to explain everything to Superman instead of being killed by him. It's a simple choice, really. But it's not a simple explanation! On no! The explanation is going to go pretty deep into Scott Snyder's previous story arcs to try to explain the most glaring errors in each of them.

This is even more convoluted than I was expecting! Perfect!

Now it's time to speculate on the fifth element! I bet it's Plasticmannium! Or maybe whatever shit the Orb of Ra is made from. Oh! Maybe it's Kryptonite and Batman doesn't realize he's already become the doorway because he drank that gallon of it earlier!

Wonder Woman arrives to make Superman doubt Batman is being honest with him. Only Superman would ever believe anything out of Batman's mouth! He's so credulous! Even Ma and Pa Kent were fond of saying, "That boy'll believe a sack of worms if they told him they were a vagina!" That is so a Midwestern saying.

Since Batman is obviously lying, Superman takes a drastic measure.

Superman didn't do this to save the world. He just did it because he's fucking sick of Batman.

Before you start sucking your own dicks (both figurative and literal ones so that all genders are included!) everybody at Marvel thinking DC has just flushed itself down the drain by killing the only one of their characters anybody really cares about, it turns out it wasn't actually Batman. Superman just killed Clayface. Although Clayface can't really die, I don't think. He's like an Oompa Loompa: immortal and weary of life.

Meanwhile in Antarctica (unless it's actually the Arctic, seeing as how DC has had some poor history with keeping the two places straight), the Legion of Doom's headquarters rises from a lava pit. The Legion of Doom is currently staffed by all of DC's immortal characters. There's Vandal Savage and The Phantom Stranger and the other immortal guy and that other one plus the one that's immortal and also Cain and Abel and Lady Blackhawk and Morgaine le Fey and Shazam's wizard and all the other ones I can't think of. Their plan is to shoot the astral brain of the Anti-Monitor through the Rock of Eternity and into the core of the Multiverse. I don't know if that will save the world or it's just something they want to do for the lulz.

Superman and Wonder Woman finally track the real Batman to the tomb of Prince Khufu. Just before they get there, Dream gives Batman a little advice about how to find his way home when this shit all goes wrong. And it all goes wrong pretty quickly. After Batman pulls Baby Darkseid out of his backpack and threatens Superman with it, I think, "Wait. What?" Um, anyway, it's all a trap! Batman knows everything except where to find the tomb of Khufu because he actually entered the tomb of Hath Set! I know, right? What an idiot! Now the Strigydae are about to mantle the fuck out of him!

It's not as confusing as I make it sound, I assure you!

I mean, sure, the Court of Owls shows up and some black squiggles take out Superman and Wonder Woman after which the Court pours a substance called Batmanium all over Batman so that the doorway can open for Barbatos. But that's not technically confusing! It's just, um, ridiculous!

Batman turns into a cosmic doorway through which steop out eight Dark Batmonsters. One is Aquabat. One is Doomsbat. One is Cybat. One is Wonder Bat. One is Flashbat. One is Green Lanterbat. One is Jokerbat. And the last one is probably BarBATos. Unless he's The Phantom Strangebat. In other words, the Earth is fucked. Because if the Justice League can't even beat one Batman, how are they going to beat however many I just said stepped through the gate? What was it? Seven? Eight?

So that's the story of Metal! I bet you all wet your pants over it like I did, right? I mean, I think I just wet my pants because I took too long writing this and didn't get up to go to the bathroom. But I probably would have from the excitement and intrigue and Batman's ultimate failure! That part was really great!

________________________________________________________
¹I didn't just make that up. See whichever stupid issue of All Star Batman had that bit in it.

Dark Knights: Metal #1

I thought this series was going to be about how the meta gene is tied into Nth metal and not some fifteen year old metal head's idea of a cool black light poster.

In my version of how this began, Scott Snyder walks into pitch meetings at DC with a huge and obvious boner in his pants and the vestiges of vaginal fluids drying on his chin. This is just to get the heads of DC (whoever they are. DiDio? Johns? Lee? A penis in a three piece suit? two bears fucking?) frothing with excitement. He begins by throwing up his hands and belting out in his best Gene Simmons impression (Gene Simmons at the height of a Kiss performance and not Gene Simmons on Donahue discussing how many women his semen has ruined), "Imagine how much money I'm about to make you!" He then farts up a vague idea (immediately after which Geoff Johns leans over to Jim Lee and whispers, "I thought of that like two minutes ago.") that retcons something in the DC Universe in a clever enough way that the room soon fills with the smell of semen soaking into cotton. In this case, he pitched this: "What if the scientist who discovered the Meta gene only called it the meta gene because his file system was so antiquated that he could only use four letters instead of the five he needed since he really discovered the...wait for it...METAL GENE!" Then he made rock and roll guitar lick sounds with his mouth for five minutes.

"Wow!" growled one of the bears in mid-coitus. "Spuuuuuuuuuurt!" went the penis in the three-piece suit (and Dan DiDio as well). Geoff Johns suppressed a yawn while Jim Lee just kept scribbling all over some art he was working on that was already three months behind schedule. If you're wondering what the second bear thought, he was unimpressed.

"How much more do you have?" asked Geoff. "Perhaps the Green Lanterns can be in it and you can mention all of my great work on that franchise somewhere in there."

"Actually," informed Scott, "I don't have much more yet. I'm going to get James Tynion drunk this weekend and steal any ideas he comes up with. But I have figured out the cover of the first issue! Since it's called Metal, I thought the first cover should be the most metal thing you can think of. And what's more metal than Batman riding a fucking dinosaur!"

"Maybe if he were wielding a battle axe?" piped up Jim Lee.

"Shut the fuck up, WildCATS," blasted DiDio, which is really too bad because that was a really metal suggestion. DC really missed out on that battle axe bit.

"Maybe we can get Simon Bisley to do the cover," suggested the well-dressed phallus.

"No way. He'll stick a fucking dick on it and everybody knows dicks aren't metal." DiDio was always squashing the penis's ideas. Then again, the penis's ideas were always to get Simon Bisley to draw stuff. The penis really liked penises. He was as gay as two bears fucking in a boardroom.

That's the end of my scene. You can applaud if you aren't reading this in a library or on a bus. You know what? Fuck it. Applaud even if you're on a bus. Like that would be the worst thing happening at the moment. Although it might encourage the people doing the worse things, thinking you're giving them some kind of approval for their behavior.

According to the previous two issues of Metal (which were Forge and Casting or just two issues of Forge. Or something. I can't fucking remember. I think I wrote about one of them), the new reason for superheroes is going to be an infusion of Nth Metal into some people's systems. It was never the meta-gene at all! It was just metal in the body! Which seems like a strange mistake to make simply because one letter was left off of a file. Did nobody ever read the file? Did the scientist pass on his report saying, "Here's why people get super powers! I figured it out! It's in this file labeled "META" which for some reason I'm not going to explain any more than that right now or else it will ruin the future revelation that I couldn't actually name the file what I wanted to! Probably because I'm having a heart attack right now! Oh! Oh! I'm dead!" Then another scientist was all, "Oh shit! Don't read that file because it might give you a heart attack too!" And the other scientists all nodded and one piped up, "Yep! That's science!" Then one was all, "What do you think meta means?" And another one was all, "It probably has to do with genes or some shit. A meta gene!" And another one was all, "Can you believe how unrealistic Game of Thrones is this season? How are they all traveling everywhere so quickly?" And another one was all, "Why is that suddenly a fucking problem? It's not like time means anything in that Westeros (I'm glad I'm only speaking that so I don't have to worry about whether or not I spelled it correctly)! Winter isn't a yearly thing but then when it comes it lasts for years? What the fuck is up with the orbit of that planet?! And how the hell are those kids aging so fucking quickly when other people are only spending a few weeks doing their story arc?! And what's up with all the dire wolf ex machina?! I feel like the entire show is going to wrap up when a giant wolf marches in to devour all of the Whitewalkers!"

I guess there will also be some revelations about some kind of Dark Multiverse as well. Scott came up with that idea when Tynion slurred, "And what's up with all this fucking dark matter? Fucking dark matter. Fuck you! What are you?!"

Apparently time travel makes you vomit blood.

I thought the page after that scanned page was going to declare the new age was the Age of the Bat. But it didn't. It declared it was the Age of Metal! After reading that, you're supposed to make guitar noises with your mouth and bang your head and throw up some devil horns. You might even fuck a goat, if you're super cool.

I'm not sure when the Age of Metal began. There was the Golden Age and the Silver Age and the Modern Age (and maybe some other metallic ages I don't remember). Perhaps the Age of Metal just means the time when superhero comics began? Or did the Age of Metal start when Peter David gave Aquaman long hair and a hook for a hand?

Mongul currently has the Justice League battling for their life on his new Warworld. This takes place almost immediately after Mongul was punched into orbit by General Zod, so editorial demanded that Batman mention something about how this makes no sense, continuity-wise. He doesn't say it to help explain it! He just says it because editorial was all, "You know we're going to get buttfucked hard on this by the Fangenders¹, right? You need to get out in front of this shit." And Snyder was all, "Okay, okay. Batman will be all, 'This doesn't make sense!' But then Superman will be all, 'Stop over thinking things, you stupid fucking hypocritical moron living in your parents' basement and not adding any value to anything because all you do is destroy things with your Internet criticisms!'" And the editor was all, "Yeah, maybe that. But tone it the fuck down. You're sounding like Cullen Bunn anonymously defending his shitty Twat Lobo comics on harsh but hilarious blogs offering valid critical reviews."

The Justice League's powers have been rendered inert by...well, it doesn't really matter what by. It's the same old shit as usual. The heroes are too powerful so to create dramatic tension, you remove their powers. Snyder does offer a few ways that their powers can be dampened by invoking red suns and vibration domination technology and Gorgon pasties just so the Fangenders can nod enthusiastically and think, "Yep! Yep! They should have seen this coming! This is just like Justice League #45²! Idiots." Of course, those are the powers with fairly easy explanations for how to suppress them. He doesn't explain how he's keeping Cyborg from utilizing his Mother Box technology. Or how Green Lantern's ring isn't working (although, I mean, really? It's probably just out of charge like in 95% of Green Lantern comic books). And how did he stop Aquaman from talking to fish? Oh, you know what. Mongul probably decided Aquaman could keep his stupid power.

Oh, just so Scott Snyder doesn't feel like he was being too subtle, I got it. It's the Metal Age and the entire Justice League is being forced to wear armor by Mongul!

Some of it is super sexy titty fucking armor!

Toyman has also been captured by Mongul, probably because Scott Snyder needed enemies that the Justice League could kill without Batman getting on everybody's dick about murder. Toyman tells Mongul the name of the toys that will kill the Justice League is Fulcum Abominus. Mongul pulls out his dick and begins sucking it because he's smarter than me and that apparently means something to him. I shouldn't feel too stupid though because why should I have known what a fulcum is? I've never owned a Warworld and seemed to have missed the adolescent phase where Roman soldiers intrigued me as much as women's nipples. I suppose the name means the Justice League will be battling an abominable shield wall? A close formation made up of Yetis? Or maybe just a few transforming robots.

Judging by Mongul and the crowd's reaction, the Aegea Formation must be where the Justice League creates an illusion that they're running away. Either that or this is Greg Capullo's way of telling Snyder to fuck off because he's going to draw whatever the fuck he wants.

I'm not four years old so the crowd chanting "Do not run! Pain is fun!" doesn't amuse me. It does make me question why I've spent so much of my life reading comic books though.

It's at this point during the battle that I need to apologize to Scott Snyder. It's my first apology of the new season but it won't be my last. The problem with writing the critique as I'm experiencing the "art" is that I tend to point out flaws before the artist has a chance to finish. It's like when I'm in the middle of cleaning a floor and somebody thinks they're the next George Burns and says, "You missed a spot!"³ So, um, my apology is that I assumed Snyder couldn't think of ways to dampen the powers of the other Justice League. But he continues explaining how they've all been shut down. Green Lantern's gauntlet has a mini-black hole. And you know what they say about black holes when they're not making anus jokes, right?! Not even Green Lantern light can escape! Plus it's a mini-black hole so don't worry about how heavy and dense it is. Even though it must be even denser than a non-mini black hole if it can still capture light in its gravitational pull. And Aquaman has lost half of his strength to the vambraces made from glass forged in the heat of Apokolips!

Each creature in the Fulcum Abominus has been designed to counter one of the Justice League members. So not only do they not have their usual powers, they have to battle creatures that wouldn't care if they had those powers anyway! Wonder Woman can't even outsmart hers because it has a Cassandra Engine! And we all know what that means! Well, most of us do. Those who don't can always watch old reruns of Red Dwarf.

I hope the solution to defeating the Fulcum Abominus isn't to switch opponents because that's been done fifteen thousand times. Although it would be more original than just having Batman defeat them all after the rest of the Justice League are incapacitated. That's been done about sixteen thousand times. I can't think of any other way this conflict might end. Maybe it'll have something to do with the metal! Or maybe Toyman will have programmed the Fulcum Abominus to turn on Mongul once he's done sucking his dick. He'll be drained and distracted at that point!

Batman comes up with a plan to be eaten by Toyman's machines. He comes up with it the way Dr. House came up with solutions to his medical mysteries. You know how somebody would say just the right word and he'd sort of glaze over into a fugue state for a few seconds before snapping back and yelling, "I am a genius! You people are all idiots! And this show shits on the scientific process to pander to people who believe intuition is some magic panacea that comes out of the ether!" Anyway, Wonder Woman says "Formation" and Batman is all, "That's it! Formation! These machines were formated by Toymanster! If I reach into the gaping maw of this one, I'm sure to find a WayneTech Emergency Shutdown Switch!" Or something. I mean, there is a button in the creature's throat and it does have a bat on it and Batman does push it. But it doesn't shut the thing off at all. It just makes it eat Batman.

By pushing the buttons in the throat of the creature (which Batman realized by knowing that the command to form the fulcum formation was done by a cry from the back of the throat (because Batman knows everything (which means Toyman must know everything because you can't give subtle clues to people who know everything if you're a dumbshit like me...I mean Mongul))), the Justice League turn the machines into Voltron armor. This allows them to "form up" like the Roman formation and turn into a giant robot. Batman is the head, of course. Aquaman is the balls.

Is that why Snyder introduced the stupid rhyming chant earlier when it made no sense because the Justice League wasn't running? Just so Batman can act childish now? Eh, works for me! I mean, I'm the guy who chose to write that Aquaman was the giant robot's balls.

Instead of saying "ass" on the next page, Snyder inserts the title page and credits. Apparently the logo for Metal is a Satanic Hexagram. Can hexagrams be Satanic? They made it into a six pointed star but not so that it looks like the Star of David. It's got some bend to it. But the star is enclosed in a circle with symbols at each point. Those symbols are combinations of Justice League symbols and the bat symbol. So Wonder Wobatman and Superbatman and Aquabatman and Black Computer Batman and Green Lanterbatman and the other one. It's totally metal. Also the word metal is textured like the bumper on a pickup truck. Is that metal? I mean, it's metal, literally. But is it metal, 80's figuratively?

When the Justice League return to Earth, they find a mountain has appeared in the middle of Gotham. Apparently it didn't kill too many people because the city somehow made room for it. But Batman is still upset by it for some reason. Probably because he's thinking about how he vowed to never let anybody else be crushed by a mountain after his parents were crushed by that mountain in that alley.

The Flash finds a door inside the mountain with a pseudo-Challengers of the Unknown symbol on it. It's an hour glass with most of the sand in the bottom half. That's probably not a good sign, right?

Inside the door, they find a cryogenic pod with five people inside. I bet one is a white woman, one is a white man with blond hair, one is a white man with brown hair, one is a black man, and one is white man with red hair! Nearby the pod is Red Tornado. They don't seem to recognize him even though earlier somebody mentioned Aquaman's hook hand. If they remember that, they should surely remember Red Tornado!

The Blackhawks appear, led by Lady Blackhawk, Kendra Saunders. Get it?! She's still a hawk! Oh, Scott Snyder! You're so fucking clever! I bet Geoff Johns hates the fuck out of you. It always hurts to be usurped. I imagine. Nobody has ever been able to usurp me. Or wanted to?

Lady Blackhawk tells everybody that this is the start of an invasion but she can't tell them who is doing the invading. That's called dramatic tension! It's also called bullshit writing. Just fucking say it, you resurrected nutcase! Instead of revealing cool shit, she spends a few pages taking everybody to Blackhawk Island where she has a map of Grant Morrison's Multiversity. She's all, "Nth metal is this thing that's behind all these things. It's such a crazy thing! Hawkman, the most boring hero in the Multiverse after Aquaman, has been studying it his entire lives! Yeah, you heard me right! I said lives! He decided it didn't come from anywhere in the known Multiverse through assumptions and poor science. Unless over the course of all his lives, he had time to use good science? You know what? Who cares? Just believe me when I say it must have come from somewhere else. He didn't know where until he binged Stranger Things last year and Eleven turned over the Dungeons and Dragons map. That's when he was all, 'A-ha! That's the one place on the map I didn't search! The other side of it! The dark side of it! The Dark Multiverse! And now that I've decided that the known Multiverse is much like a two dimensional representation of it, the other side of the map must exist in reality! A Dark Multiverse!'"

"I'm not the worst," mumbled Aquaman.

Ha ha! Wanting proof! How silly!

I like how Kendra wanted proof of Carter's theory which caused Carter to want to prove her wrong. What the fuck does that mean?! You don't prove somebody wrong who just wants some evidence that your theory is reality! You just prove your stupid theory. I already hate this new version of Hawkman. Yes, I'm biased because I've hated every version of Hawkman so I didn't have far to go to hate this one. But I hate him more passionately than I ever hated the other ones and I haven't even met this one yet! The other ones I just sort of hated for no real reason. This one is a scientific idiot.

Kendra isn't much for science either. She just found the word wagon over and over again because a wagon would carry a dark beast named Barbatos from the Dark Multiverse into the Non-Dark Multiverse. And then she decided that Wagon was the root of the name Wayne (you know, wainwright? Wains! Wagons!) which must mean that the Wagon was Batman and he was the bad guy. That's when the Blackhawks pull their guns on Batman. But they don't shoot him in the face for some reason. Some heroes they are!

Red Tornado begins screaming about the door being left open which probably saves Batman's life. He then flips the fuck out which means he'll be dismembered in a few pages. His stories always end in dismemberment.

Batman steals Kendra's Nth Metal and races back to the Batcave to destroy the Multiverse in the pursuit of knowledge.

The Nth Metal reveals Carter Hall's diary hidden in Wayne Manor. It's there to tell Batman he was right to pursue whatever he's been pursuing. The mysteries of the Nth Metal, I guess. And once he's been proving right, he's visited by Dream of The Endless. Well. I guess Snyder can still surprise me without me needing to make a snarky comment about how dumb his twist is. I don't know why Dream has appeared but it's pretty cool that he's been allowed back into the regular DC Universe.

I'll say this about Metal: it's entertaining and interesting. But it's also built upon the dumb shit that Scott Snyder likes to build his retcons. So far we've learned that the Meta-gene is actually the Metal Gene because Nth Metal is behind all superpowers. We also learned that Nth Metal couldn't have come from anywhere in the DC Multiverse so it must have come from the other side of a two-dimensional representation of the Multiverse. I know that's just a metaphor but I bring it up because it's a metaphor from Stranger Things. The other big twist is that Wayne means wagon. In both the meta/metal and wagon/Wayne plot elements, we see the thing Scott Snyder bases almost all of his stories on. He starts small by looking at words and their meanings to expand those observations into a bigger story. Usually I'm just annoyed by them. But this time, he gets to really fuck around with the DC Universe by making this Nth metal/meta-gene connection and I'm always up for a good buttfucking of the DC Universe.

Oh yeah! How can I mention all the word play without mentioning the Dark Nights title of the series? Oh, probably because it's been used before. But this time it's the Dark Nights bring the Dark Knights of the Dark Multiverse! It's boner and/or lubrication inducing!

_________________________________________________________
¹"Fangenders" is my inclusive term for what was once thought of as Fanboys. Being an obnoxious comic book know-it-all knows no gender boundary.
²I don't actually know what happens in Justice League #45. But if you were instantly angry at my lack of knowledge, you're a Fangender. That was the whole point, dum-dum!
³I have a floor cleaning business. This isn't just an analogy of a thing I rarely do. It happens all the time. I'm getting angry just thinking about it! I should probably footnote George Burns as well but what's the point? You have access to the fucking Internet, lazy!

Dark Days: The Forge #1

Sometimes when I see John Romita Jr. artwork, I think, "What did I ever have against Rob Liefeld?!"

These are dark days, my friend! Although, technically, you're probably not my friend if you're reading this (that includes you, Doom Bunny!). I don't know why they're dark days (although I know why you're not my friend. I only have room in my life for one and he died a couple of years ago. I've yet to reopen my heart for a replacement) but the cover says it right there at the top: DARK DAYS! I added the exclamation point because I don't think the phrase "dark days" should end in a period. I suppose, occasionally, I've run into a wise old biker type who has looked me in the eyes, shaken his head, and said, contemplatively, "Dark days, my friend, dark days." That definitely ended in a period! But this is a superhero comic book so almost every sentence or phrase should have an exclamation point stabbed onto the end of it.

If you prefer "exclamation mark" over "exclamation point," your mother is probably fat.

That was a standard "your mom" joke so I don't think I can be yelled at for fat shaming. Also, if you yell at me for fat shaming, I'll just assume you're yelling at me for being fat so don't do it or else you'll be fat shaming, jerko! Touché!

I mean, I'm not fat! I'm super sexy and hot and macho! Va-va-va-voom is what you'd probably say if you saw me. Then your eyes would pop out of your head and your heart would crash through your rib cage and you'd die. But your last words would probably be, "It was worth it! So hot!"

Four out of the five creators names on the cover do not induce blood flow to the nether regions. Scott Snyder has been a disappointment lately although I still have high hopes when I see his name. Unfortunately, I don't feel we get his best when he's working with the next name on the list, James Tynion IV. It seems that Snyder comes up with an idea and then chains James to an office chair that is bolted to the ground and tells him to write the script. John Romita Jr.'s work nauseates me. As I pointed out earlier, it makes me long for Rob Liefeld. Liefeld's bad art was fun! It was so chaotic and terrible that I could spend days pointing out the problems and laughing at his mistakes. But Romita's art is all straight lines and boredom! Look at Batman and Superman on that cover. Romita basically took a couple of rulers, set them beside each other, closed the lower ends a bit so the characters would taper to the horizon, drew a couple of straight lines, and then drew Batman and Superman as trapezoids. The look on their faces is the bewilderment of just realizing that fart had a bit of liquid in it. And finally, Jim Lee! I truly admire Jim Lee for his dedication to his craft and the work he did to help create Image. I admire him for continuing to grow as an artist and to as a businessman working in a creative field. But I don't admire his penchant for scribbling on everything he draws.

The other people on the list, I have no beef with. Love Klaus Janson. Love Danny Miki. Love Alex Sinclair (I guess?). I'm not sure I really have much of an opinion on Andy Kubert. I bet he's a funny dude.

The comic book starts out promising!

Hawkman's final journal? Hooray! Go to hell, you stupid prick! And I thought these were going to be dark days!

Does anybody else find it weird that Carter Hall records his journal on Swiss cheese?

Many years ago (I guess? There's no time stamp on the opening scene!), Carter Hall recorded the crashing of a spaceship on his lunch. But since he didn't know the word "spaceship," he wrote "sign written in metal." That will probably be important later but for now, it's time to move the story into the present. And where better to begin an adventure story than The Bermuda Triangle! Wait. I should rephrase that. "Where better to begin an adventure story in the 1970s than The Bermuda Triangle!" Oh boy! Eight year old me just came in his pants! I mean if that were possible. Nothing but pee would be coming out of there for at least another five years.

You know you can read and reread the data once you get somewhere safe? Or did you not save your data to the cloud? Idiot. You should use both terrestrial and cloud backups!

That scientist sounds like me in high school after first hearing Mr. Crowley: "There's something in the metal!"

Batman rescues the scientist whose name is Dr. Madison (MADISOOOOOON!). Batman tells Dr. Madison that the only to safety is back through the volcano.

Batman: "The only way out is in!"
Dr. Madison: "Does that actually make sense? I don't think that makes sense."
Batman: "If we don't go back through the lava, we'll be covered in lava!"
Dr. Madison: "Do you ever listen to yourself speak?"
Batman: "Outside will also have flying debris! Inside is just, um, you know! Liquid hotness!"
Dr. Madison: "You mean lava?"
Batman: "If you want to get technical about it! Now get in my Liquid Hotness Proof Bat-mech (trademark and action figure pending!), sit on my lap, and don't ask me if that's a bat-grapple in my pocket or if I'm happy to see you! I'm never happy!"

So they had to go back through the lava to get to the ocean? Batman does know Dr. Madison was standing in front of a window overlooking the water, right? How was just crashing through that not an option? Especially since Batman loves crashing through panes of glass!

Whenever an editor tells Scott Snyder to make something more exciting, he should just say, "Shut. Up!"

Aquaman helps with the rescue and then he and Batman get into an argument about who's keeping bigger secrets. Batman probably wins that one because even if Aquaman had some really juicy secrets to tell, I'd never remain interested long enough to hear them. I'm already bored with this paragraph because I had to type "Aquaman" three times.

Apparently the Blackhawks have some super secret covert black ops shit going on again. Remember how they returned in All Star Batman? Oh, you got tired of reading that series too? Well, believe me. They returned there.

Meanwhile on Mogo, Cornelius the Guardian wants Hal to do something seedy to him.

"Don't tell Guy! I just got him to stop calling me gay!"

Oh sorry. His name is Ganthet. I must be thinking of Roddy McDowall's character from Scavenger Hunt.

Speaking of Scavenger Hunt, I caught an episode of Family Ties the other day when some actor walked on and I was all, "Hey! That's short sleeves, checkered shirt, black sneakers!" Plus his son in the episode was Chunk from The Goonies. Should I mark irrelevant passages like these with asterisks?!

Ganthet having once asked Hal to jerk him off is now canon.

Once again, everybody in the universe is gossiping about how Earth is going to destroy the universe. If only the Justice League would stop saving it already! Just let somebody destroy Earth for the greater good, you hypocrites!

Ganthet has pinpointed the threat to the universe in the Batcave so Hal Jordan decides to go invade it and not radio Batman saying, "Hey, buddy. I've got a possible issue that maybe you can help out with. Let's meet up in the Batcave." Instead he decides to sneak in and start going through Batman's things. I get it. It's the only way to ensure that a couple of heroes fight so all the fangenders can lose their shit over it. This part was probably Tynion's idea. "Hey! You know what I've read in comic books about five thousand times? That part where two heroes fight over a misunderstanding! Can we add that scene?!" And Scott Snyder snorts and wakes up and is all, "What? Whatever. Just write the script already! If I wanted to write it, I wouldn't have purchased you from your parents!"

Anyway, Batman isn't home so Hal has to fight Meadowlark. You know, Not-Robin. Duke!

What is Duke reading to get his Green Lantern information? The Who's Who books from the mid-80s? That's where I get all of my information too!

Is Green Lantern just fucking with Duke or is there something about the yellow flaw that I don't know about? I thought it was completely gone. Is this Snyder and Tynion trying to backdoor the flaw back into the ring but only if the person using the ring is inexperienced and stupid?

In the next panel, Hal Jordan says, "It's good to see Batman's still recruiting teenagers." Hey man. You better be careful with statements like that. At least he's not, you know, fucking them.

Duke Thomas admits to not having a code name yet. That's adorable. All this fucking time and he still doesn't have one. Why can't Snyder just spit one out already? Waiting to find out his superhero name is like waiting for Sting to come in your mouth. Not that I'd know and not that it was the worst sixteen hours of my life.

Meanwhile there's this place called The Campus underneath Philadelphia where The Immortal Men are headquartered. One of them is Immortal Man because of course it is. The other one is a guy in a robe with shaggy eyebrows that might be Carter Hall but I'm hoping is anybody else. Another one of their possible members would have been Elaine Thomas, Duke's mother. But she went crazy from Joker Toxin. They apparently know they need to save the world from something bad that's coming because it's always easier to tell a story about prophecy. It would be too hard to wedge these Immortal Men into the story if they didn't already know some huge Crisis was about to happen.

So the guy in the robes isn't Hawkman because Hawkman gets the next scene. He's been having visions during the times between death and reincarnation. Whew! I thought he wouldn't have some secret inside information to get him right into this upcoming Crisis! In his vision, he sees a gigantic Batman statue with lots of people tied to its legs. I guess somebody is going to have to kill Batman before he becomes evil!

After that scene, John Romita Jr. takes over on the art. I should probably snort some Ativan before continuing.

Mister Terrific is helping Batman with the Mystery of the Dark Days. Hopefully they'll explain it in long, large word balloons that cover up most of the art. Something has been interfering with the harmonic frequencies of Earth-Main-Earth and Earth-2 (which I guess is back to its normal self? Or maybe Mister Terrific just got off before he wound up in that whole World's End mess? For some reason, I can't remember the story well enough to know if Mister Terrific was in any of it. Thank Jesus!) but neither Batman nor Mister Terrific know what's going on yet. To help them figure it out, Batman decides they must let Plastic Man out of his prison cell. They say they agreed to lock him up because he was too powerful but I think they just got sick of his stupid jokes.

Back in the Batcave, Duke and Hal are investigating the Mystery of Batman Investigating the Mystery. It all started when somebody said, "That whole electrum in the tooth thing that resurrects the dead Talons is stupid! It's not scientific at all! Who comes up with such dumb shit?! DC Comics sucks!" Then Scott Snyder was all, "Wait! Wait! You haven't heard the whole tale of that! You shouldn't believe everything you see at first sight! You should wait for the second sight! Or maybe the third sight if everybody on Twitter complains about the second sight! But I don't think they will because this is going to be a huge Crisis! You'll love it!" So instead of electrum being in the teeth, Batman found a metal that shared the same energy signature as the helmet of fate, the quintdent of Aquaman, and the bracelets of Diana. To investigate this metallic mystery, Batman created a team that everybody forgot about. Everybody except me, of course!

Halo's costume is terrible. But Geoforce had better stay away from her anyway!

Duke has no idea who the wobbly speech bubble is. But that didn't stop him from saying, "Dick? Is that Dick? You know, Dick Grayson? Nightwing? Is that you?"

So the metal is probably Nth Metal which would make it more believable that it was resurrecting the Talons. Because nobody is going to say, "Nth Metal can't do that!" I mean, they might. But they'd be wrong because Nth Metal isn't real and it can do whatever the fuck it needs to do when the writer needs it to do it. Although if it were Dionesium, nobody would say, "Dionesium can't do that!" Because that's exactly what it was made for! It's just that Nth Metal works better, plot-wise. Why would Aquaman's five-pronged trident have Dionesium in it?

Deep in Batman's secret Batcave, Duke and Hal come to a door. Apparently the owner of the voice is behind it. I hope it's not The Joker. I hope it's Detective Chimp. I also hope it's revealed before this issue is over!

Batman has also been keeping another secret in Superman's fortress. With the help of Mister Miracle, he unlocks the unopenable room it was stored in. It's a big yellow tower that Mister Miracle recognizes but I don't. Maybe it's Qwardian! It could also be something from Final Crisis which I've never read. Or something from an obscure 1967 Batman story. Or maybe it's something that, when it's explicitly named, I'll say, "Oh yeah. Fuck. I totally remember that thing now!" Anyway, I don't think it's important enough to reveal this issue. Because The Joker needs to be revealed in the Hal Jordan scene!

Oh look! The Joker was the voice! What a surprise! Surprise! Are you surprised? Oh! You should also keep in mind how there were three Jokers, remember? That was a dumb bit that had to be thrown in so that Batman would say, "Impossible!", when he asked the Moebius Chair what the Joker's name was. Remember how that one guy on Tumblr got all pissy with me when I said they'd never reveal The Joker's name and how could I know that and I don't know what I'm talking about and all that shit? Fucking stupid kid. I didn't even get to say "I told you so!" to that kid when the reveal was that the Chair's answer was that there were three Jokers! Well, I'm doing it now! I fucking told you so, kid!

So that's the end of Dark Days: The Forge! Maybe that thing Batman revealed was The Forge. I guess the next stop in this series is the event, Metal. It'll probably be about Dionesium and Nth Metal and how, when combined, everything is destroyed! What will this Crisis be called? Not just Crisis in Dark Days, right? How about Alchemical Crisis on Earths Starring Plastic Man?

All Star Batman #10

The new Robin is a bit rough around the everything.

• What do you have to do to get a Batman story that stops jerking itself off over how great Batman is and begin dealing with his adult healing from a childhood trauma? The guy is fucked up! The Who's Who entries in the DC Universe should include the stat: "Bat-enabler?" Somebody should get him some non-Harleen Quinzel therapy.

• I just sang the Narration Boxes as an operatic dirge to my cat Pelafina. She's purring so I think that's a good review.

• Alfred Pennyworth is narrating this story. He assures us that this Batman story is unlike all of the other Batman stories. Oh good! Just like I wanted in that first bullet point! I can't wait! Although, I mean, Scott Snyder began last issue saying that he wasn't writing a Batman story. And then the big twist at the end was that it was a Batman story. So I'm not holding my breath about this story being any different from all the others.

• This story takes place in London's past which totally doesn't explain the cover at all.

• Scott Snyder has done something few writers ever do! Usually when I like a writer, I like just about everything they do until the day they die tragically. But Scott Snyder has gone from writer I thought was terrific to shitty hack with pretentious underpinnings. Here's how he begins this story: "[This story is] different from the rest. Of course, it starts the way the others do. The angry young man, far from Wayne Manor. Lost. And like the others, it's a mystery — a detective story about the distance between the boy he was then and the man he is today." Well, thanks, Scott! I'm glad you informed me early that this story isn't like all the other stupid comic books because this one is smart and has a theme and shit! And knowing comic book readers are stupid fucks who are only hoping to see Batman punch somebody in the face, it's a good thing you're letting us know up front that this story is better than that! I'm sure I would have completely missed all of the smarty pants stuff you were up to if you didn't clue me in. Although, I'm suspicious now. You got me trying to think about why the last story wasn't a Batman story only to end with "Surprise! It's a Batman story!" So why should I think you've put any more work into making this story different? I think maybe you just tell people at the beginning how smart and different your stories are so that you don't actually have to make them smart and different!

• This story also takes place in Miami's present which probably explains the cover completely.

• Something called the Genesis Engine is being auctioned off on the black market. Batman probably wants to get it for himself so he can make billions of dollars with it.

• A bunch of shit goes wrong when Bruce meets with the dealer. Bruce finds the dealer dead in a manner that reminds Alfred of his youth when he used to graffiti a symbol all over London. That's when Alfred explains to the reader that this mystery isn't about Bruce at all. It's about Alfred.

• In other words, last story actually was a Batman story. But this story actually isn't a Batman story. So it really is different than other Batman stories being that it isn't a Batman story at all. But Scott Snyder couldn't have begun two issues in a row saying "This is not a Batman story," right?

• This story didn't have any alligators or crocodiles in it. I guess Alfred and Batman killing animals in a swamp will happen next issue.

• This story was much better than the last nine issues of this comic book. Except maybe for the part where they explain the name of the place where the guy selling the Genesis Engine lives. That's pure Snyder! He over-complicates things to give a vaguely Umberto Eco-ish atmosphere. So the place is Latin for a right because the thief was crucified to the right of Jesus and the guy who runs auctions out of the place is a thief who is descended from pirates and only works with other people descended from pirates. For being a whole pirate theme, it's weird that Snyder decides to start with the Latin and the Jesus and the thief stuff. I mean, the only way they really tie in is that pirates steal things. Oh but the atmosphere it creates! So mysteriously esoteric!