Doctor Fate #18

This might be the first time I accidentally purchased a comic book with a penis on the cover. The word "accidentally" is important to that sentence.

Let me quote Shakespeare at the moment of this incredible event where I'm reading the final issue of this terrible comic book: "Let's git 'er done!"

The Internet is proof that everything has already been done so I'm not even going to check to see if somebody has performed a redneck version of King Lear. I know in my heart this has been accomplished.

The issue begins with Khalid admitting that his mother is a treasure-hunting, Imperialist looter of other countries national treasures.

I mean, it's no surprise. She is a white person who married an Egyptian, probably to gain access to places she could get her sneaky hands on more historic loot. But admitting she'd kill for them? Since Khalid seems to lack whimsy and imagination, I'm taking him at his word. His mother is terrible and evil.

Khalid encounters Thoth, the patron something of Nabu and the original owner of the golden helmet, who tells Khalid that his choices matter. Oh, thanks for such divine and unknowable wisdom, great God with he pointy beak. I hope this is all about Khalid choosing the wrong girlfriend. I don't want this Doctor Fate in control of anything more important than his own love life. Plus it's easy to see he's been making the wrong choice in that department for seventeen issues so far. So I can see it culminating in this huge psychedelic journey where he nearly goes insane from his blue balls.

Doctor Fate continues to express confusion on his inward journey. I get the feeling that Brendan McCarthy laid out this whole idea of a psychedelic inward spiritual journey that would teach Khalid how to master the powers of the Fate helmet and come to grips with taking the mantle. But then Paul Levitz took the script and old personed it. It didn't make sense to him so he stuck in all the Narration Boxes where Khalid states how nothing is making sense and how he's thoroughly confused by everything being plainly stated by gods and dream worms. The entire story loses any impact it may have had because Khalid is an imbecile with no ability to contemplate profound or interesting ideas. Not that I'm claiming any of this is profound! It might be! But that's for you to decide for yourself. I can't go around explaining the importance of every little thing to every single person because we all discover different bits of ourselves in different ways and through varied revelatory pop culture media. This garbage might actually be important to somebody. But they should probably be ashamed to admit it.

The Sphinx suggested that Khalid embrace the dreamspinners and their mother but Thoth calls them liars and deceivers. I guess maybe "embrace" was code for "crush them in a great big magical bear hug" because Doctor Fate decides to defeat the dreamspinners. But he's soon overwhelmed and finds himself back in front of Mr. Mind. I mean, Clothorooloohoo.

Khalid must have went to quite the religious school. It's called your penis, dear.

Fate is lowered into Mr. Mind's boiling cauldron. Maybe he finally realized this is what he's meant to do. He's meant to embrace his own destruction at the hands of a creature obviously created by the demonic love child of Dr. Seuss and H.R. Giger. Conversely, if I'm using that word correctly, maybe he's just going to die! Although I also wouldn't mind if after he's lowered into the cauldron, Khalid opens his eyes to see his neighbor leaning over him and wiping his semen from her hand. This entire series could have been like Jacob's Ladder except the main character wasn't dying. He was just getting a hand-job.

See? This represents sex, right? I guess Khalid is getting more than a hand-job! Praise Allah!

Ew. I just realized Mr. Mind's name in this story was Clot Horus. Gross.

Khalid wakes up in the park next to a pile of human feces buzzing with dreamspinners. Oh shit. I guess Khalid just had a random hook up in the park with a shit fetishist. I think that probably means he's gay because women tend to engage in sex with strangers in the park far less often than men do. I don't know if gender or sexuality has any bearing on whether or not somebody wants to include shit in their sexual escapades though.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm just glad this is over. And what an ending! Khalid stumbles through a few weeks of his life believing everything was a hallucination or he was going crazy. So then he wakes up in the park at the end of it all, puts his helmet away (see? sex occurred!), shrugs, and goes back to avoiding sex with the neighbor. The Doctor Fate helmet really chose its host poorly this time around. How the fuck did this comic book last eighteen issues? My guess is Paul Levitz sucked a lot of interoffice cock. Um, figuratively! My lawyer says I should point out that I meant that figuratively! Also, Pickle Boy is now my lawyer instead of my writing assistant and sandwich maker. He's really made a name for himself! I mean, it's drawn on a card that's meant to be a business card and he misspelled lawyer. But at least his services are cheap.

Doctor Fate #17

Fucking Christ. I can't believe I'm still reading this comic book!

I've been reading this comic book for a year and a half and I am not entertained by it at all. The only other things I've maintained for that length of time or more which brought me no joy were my relationships with family members. Ha ha! Just kidding, mom and dad!

Oh, who am I kidding?! Like they'd ever show any interest in anything I love! Although that's not entirely true. I love pizza and Oreos and my mom definitely notices when I'm loving those things. "Oh, you're going to eat all of that?" Yeah, mom, of course I'm going to eat a whole fucking pizza topped with Oreos. Now fuck off!

So, as usual, I didn't think much about the cover because I barely looked at the comic book as I picked it up sighing and rolling my eyes and hating the life I've chosen for myself. But then when I opened it up and saw the name of the artist, I perked up a bit. Brendan McCarthy? You mean, the Brendan McCarthy?! Not the one who co-wrote Fury Road! I mean, yes, that one! But I wasn't thinking, "Not the one who co-wrote Fury Road?!" I was thinking, "The guy who did the covers to Shade the Changing Man and the art for Rogan Gosh?!" And why, yes, it is indeed that Brendan McCarthy! I'm fucking stunned. I'm so glad I didn't simply give up on this comic book the way I'm giving up on so many others!

My feeling of pure unbridled joy doesn't last long. Fucking life. Fuck you! Can't I at maintain some kind of enjoyment for any length of time before you intrude and smash it all to pieces with more of the same Doctor Fate bullshit?! First off, the colorist looks like he just pissed all over McCarthy's art. It looks like a kid who just discovered the joy of creating light with an eraser. But on top of that, Khalid once more begins experiencing some weird shit and his first thought isn't, "This must be more magic! Like all of that other magic that has been intruding on my life! It's like I can't get a moment's peace or a handjob from the neighbor without magic fucking it all up!" No, instead when things get weird, he goes back to the whole, "Is there a weird but rational explanation for this? Are the cops drugging us? Is this a fireworks show? Am I having a stroke?"

The weird lights turn into multi-colored threads that pierce the tops of the heads of everybody at the rally he's attending. He thinks it's weird until one of them pierces the head of the girl who won't fuck him (so not the neighbor lady! The other one!). Now it's personal! Time to turn into Doctor Fate and have a strange psychedelic experience!

"At least not until I've known her carnally!"

Khalid winds up in some other plane that's really strange. He doesn't think, "Holy fucking hell! So cool!" No, he thinks, "This is utterly, totally, completely impossible." You are such a disappointing Doctor Fate, Khalid. You deserve to fail Medical School. And also Magical School. And also How Can You Not Have Noticed That Your Neighbor Wants To Suck Your Cock School.

Seventeen Goddamned issues of this attitude! Somebody revoke his Doctor Fate card already!

Here's how huge of a failure this Doctor Fate is. He just asked the weird bug thing what manner of being it is. It responds with a sound. Doctor Fate thinks, "Usually the magic works to translate--but all I'm getting is static...and the word dreamspinners... ...what are these things?" So he asks them what they are, they respond with dreamspinners, and then he asks himself again, "What are these things?!" You know what? He doesn't deserve a fucking handjob from the hot and horny neighbor lady. Khalid can live with his parents as a failure for the rest of his life for all I care. I think his next life choice should be getting a Playstation 4 and a medical marijuana card and just calling time on his ambitions.

Also, the punctuation in that quote is the fault of the writers. I wonder if they learned how to punctuate from Howard Mackie's School of Terrible--Really...Fucking, Terrible — and Awful; Punctuation..

Khalid loses Akila's thread and decides the best way to find it is to search at the other end. All the threads are entering a big dream egg, so that's where he heads.

Where he finds a giant caterpillar fucking a glowing cauldron.

The gigantic caterpillar is named Clothorus and it's been wanting to eat Doctor Fate for as long as it can remember (which I think is forever). But Doctor Fate does some whining and pleading to Nabu who comes to his rescue. I think. Khalid definitely doesn't do anything heroic himself. I know there's another issue but I can still hope that he gets eaten. The next issue might be twenty pages of Khalid digesting inside of Clothorus, right?

Doctor Fate escapes to another plane of existence where the pyramids were built by flying scarab ships. I guess it's the spiritual version of Egypt, or something even more profound that I'll never figure out in a million years because I'm constantly being distracted by my physical needs and desires.

Doctor Fate visits the Sphinx which tells him how to defeat Clothorus. It says, "If you would defeat the mother, you must embrace her and all her children." Then Khalid is all, "What?! Riddles! Just tell me how to defeat her!" And the Sphinx is all, "How can I be any more plain than that, you stupid fucking asshole!" Then Khalid, confused by the mere presence of words, is dragged back into the dreamspinner realm for the final fight of his life. Hopefully.

The Ranking
-1 Ranking. There have been some pretty shitty incarnations of Doctor Fate over the years and none of them can compare to the overall shittiness of Khalid. He's the fucking worst.

Doctor Fate #16

This had better be the last Goddamned issue! We've got a Rebirth happening, Dr. Late!

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with the sun not rising when it's supposed to rise. At least not in New York. I'm assuming the other side of the world has the opposite problem because I'm quite the scientific-minded person. I know how all of that sky garbage works and shit. Except this comic book is based on magic and not science so maybe the Earth didn't stop revolving since that would cause a whole host of other problems that might interfere with life on Earth. Like how everybody would fly against every wall as the Earth stopped, even if their mothers put out their arms to keep them from smashing their face into whatever she was also smashing her face into. Perhaps the magic antagonist just pulled down some space blinds. I'm sure Doctor Fate will sort it all out before the comic book is over.

• I wish this comic book were over! It hasn't been very good except for the few times it's been sort of not bad.

For some reason, Alan Moore makes a cameo. Those other people might be caricatures of famous people as well but I don't recognize them.

• The real Doctor Fate, Kent Nelson, and not the reluctant Doctor Fate who still probably thinks somebody slipped some acid in his tea, heads off to investigate a setting sun in a nearby park. It's probably a waste of time because if it were the Earth's missing sun, it would be too big to fit in a park. So it's probably somebody else's lost sun. Best to not get involved.

• It turns out Osiris is in the park and he wants his helmet back. But when he goes to get it, he finds Khalid has powerful friends like Bastet and I think Coyote and I think the Archangel Gabriel and I think Mohammad except there's no way it could be Mohammad because he was drawn on paper and everything. So it was probably a different prophet who really shouldn't have been drawn either. I mean, I'm sure Sonny Liew isn't Muslim so it's not like there's any reason he can't draw an image of a prophet of Allah! I mean, except for the reason that he probably doesn't want to be killed by some asshole who thinks everybody needs to follow the tenets of a religion they're not a part of.

• Anyway, Osiris lets Khalid live. Khalid is all, "I didn't even have to do anything! This gig is great!" But the readers are all, "Dude, Doctor Fate didn't even do anything! This comic book is terrible!"

The Ranking!
-1! And I'm going easy on it! Especially since this isn't even the final issue! I can't understand how this thing made it sixteen issues! I mean, even Ann Nocenti's Katana went six issues. So I guess compared to that pile of dog vomit, this one deserves ten more issues.

Doctor Fate #15

The Review!
This issue begins by making the reader think the real threat is a bunch of mummies. But in actuality, it is woman who is the enemy! I suppose "mummy" is a play on "fucking bitches, amirite?"

Exhibit A: Khalid believes women are mind-controlling manipulators who demand constant attention!


Exhibit B: Kent believes they are fearful, wrath-filled monsters who will make your life hell if you fail them.

Now that readers unambiguously understand the metaphor at play in this issue, I will assume that any comment about mummies is simply Paul Levitz and Sonny Liew's thoughts on women. Khalid first describes them as inarticulate. Just a bunch of blabbering monsters with nothing important to say! I mean, I suppose if Khalid would open up his male ears and really give what they were saying a listen instead of listening to the women around him while his mind screams "Blah blah blah blah blah!", maybe he wouldn't think women were just stumbling around the city going, "Unnnnnhhhhhhhhhh!" Maybe if their mouths weren't wrapped up and gagged by the bandages of the Patriarchy, Khalid would be able to hear what they were saying! Maybe they're the most articulate and men are just cavemen who language not good for. Oops! Sorry! I didn't mean to swing the pendulum that far to the other side and begin bashing men just to uplift women. We're all in this together! We need to lift everybody up together! You know what they say: A rising tide lifts all boats! Except, of course, for the boats with really short chains on their anchors. Those boats just get swamped by the rising tide and sink. I don't think you're supposed to think about that though when you hear the rising tide advice.

Khalid does mention that the "mummies" are "not ineffective." That's a compliment, right? I should use that one next time I see a woman accomplish something great. I'll be all, "Wow! You're totally not ineffective!"

Exhibit C: Just in case you didn't get the analogy from Exhibits A and Exhibits B! We can't all be Grandmaster Comic Book Readers! And by "we," I mean "you."

The women are completely overrunning the park while Dr. Fate tries to find Shaya, his girlfriend who won't have sex with him. That might be why he's so angry at women. She's all, "We need to be responsible and concentrate on medical school and we don't want any life choice mistakes messing up our plans!" And Khalid is all, "Come on. Just touch it!"

Meanwhile his neighbor Akila who can't think of anything but touching it is worming her way into his parents' hearts. So manipulative! She's pretending to be concerned about racism and organizing a march which she wants Khalid's parents to be involved in but it's so transparent that she's just trying to get Khalid's parents to like her so that they convince their son that she's the one he should marry. These mummies are so inarticulate and manipulative and frigid and whores too! Um, is what, um, Paul Levitz probably thinks based on what I'm reading here.

See? "Very adult work!" That's porn! Also note how sexist Mohammad Nassour is: "In these difficult times, we must be grateful to you women! Even if we don't want to be! Ptui!" He, um, was probably thinking.

Khalid, as Doctor Fate, saves Shaya and she's completely ungrateful. Not that she needs to be grateful or owes Doctor Fate anything like sex or whatever else women have of value. But it certainly shows Khalid's attitude toward Shaya. She treats him like shit during the entire rescue (perhaps because she finds him a bit presumptuous? And who needs to have some guy presuming shit right after you almost had your head ripped off by a mummy (or another woman, if I keep to the metaphor? Analogy? Transposition?) and all he can think after dropping her off is, "Well, she would have been sweet and not a total dick if she'd known it was me!"

The real Dr. Fate arrives to turn the women into dust which seems really misogynistic so maybe they were just mummies all along. Maybe I was just reading this story through the lens of my own sexism. Maybe I should work on my flaws instead of trying to point out those same flaws in other people. Maybe I should...what am I saying?! I'm an Internet denizen! The main reason to be on the Internet is to ignore your own flaws while pointing out or just plain making up flaws in other people! I'm fine!

And speaking of fine, this comic book has gotten way better than when it began although I still wouldn't really recommend it. Maybe if you're into Dr. Fate or you hate women. If you are, this comic book still hasn't ended. It's totally defying Rebirth!

Doctor Fate #14

Doctor Fate and Doctor Failure, amirite?!

The Review or Whatever!
If you're on the internet and I've ever said something that seemed to disagree with you when, in my own mind, I was just adding to the conversation but in your crazy cuckoo whacko mind, you thought I was gaslighting you, I just want to say I wasn't doing that at all.

The interesting thing about that previous sentence is that it actually began quite earnestly! I really meant to say something like, "I'm sorry if my enthusiasm for discourse led you to believe that I was being an overbearing dick and demanding that my opinions were the correct ones." I know I've done it before, and I'll do it again, even when I try not to. In my head, my response reads as an extension of somebody's thoughts and ideas and my take on them. But I realize after the fact that what it actually sounds like I'm doing is refuting the person's statement and shitting all over their brain babies. Then I think, "Oh shit. Should I apologize? I didn't mean it like that?! I'm a total dick, aren't I? I meant to just express my thing without making their thing seem stupid and trivial and pointless!" Then I don't apologize because I'm a coward. But I'd like to apologize to distractedbyshinyobjects because I feel like I did that when she brought up some stuff about Batman, Incorporated way back when. And I'd like to apologize to jenstansfield for piggybacking on her Harley and Joker post with my swinging dick of ideas. I can't apologize to them in private message because Tumblr is stupid and wants me to start a chat window which I totally won't do because remember the coward thing? Also maybe I don't need to apologize? Oh, who am I kidding! I also need to apologize to Scott Lobdell, Marcus To, Sterling Gates, Ann Nocenti, Rob Liefeld, Tom DeFalco, Howard Mackie, and my mother. Also, just so you know, mom, you can get at the end of that line!

I probably should just stop giving opinions on the Internet. It's like if a dinosaur learned to write and then could send their letters through time and found a method of delivering it to everybody's brain and then jerked off all over itself after expressing itself orally. That's almost exactly what it's like except for the time travel part! Although I am, technically, traveling through time! Just at the same rate as just about everybody else who isn't in a plane or on the International Space Station.

I just watched a documentary on PBS called Chuck Norris vs. Communism and it made me cry, just in case you weren't sure I had a capacity for emotion. The only problem is that the whole Irina Nistor "voice of the dystopia" was so cliché as to be unbelievable. I highly doubt this really happened!

This issue has two stories. The first story is about how Khalid figures out that magic in the DC Universe has no rules. That's a good thing because if there are rules, how is it magic? I think that makes sense. If it doesn't, just keep your mouth shut. I'm sensitive! During this adventure, Khalid can barely remember the name of Lewis Carroll or his sequel to Alice in Wonderland but he can quote Humpty Dumpty exactly. I'm not buying it! If he liked even just that one quote by Humpty Dumpty enough to memorize it, he'd have enjoyed a lot more of what Humpty Dumpty had to say. And he certainly wouldn't be unsure about the name of the book or its author! I was buying this whole story about magical worlds and dead people possessing helmets until that Lewis Carroll bit slapped me in the face and said, "This story is unbelievable, right?!"

Okay, I'm about to say something not very romantic, so you might want to cover your eyes for this next bit or it'll blow the whole image you probably have of me. "What are you doing with her, Khalid?! There's a horny neighbor down the hall who will let you play doctor, as well as lonely businessman, desperate junkie, and naive babysitter!

Speaking of the adult woman who knows what she wants whom I think Khalid should pursue, Akila is at the same memorial service as Khalid and Shaya! What does the Koran have to say about three ways?

The memorial service is protested by a bunch of racists, so Khalid feels this is a good Doctor Fate teaching moment. He decides racists are probably stupid and fearful (which is how they became racists, probably) so he conjures up a bunch of ghosts to make them all shit themselves. He may have had some other plan as well, to maybe make the racists think about something for once, but making them shit themselves works just as well. Too bad Akila doesn't know Khalid is Doctor Fate! If she did, she'd probably wind up...you know what? I'm not going to write the image that my brain came up with when I visualized how overpoweringly horny this would have made her, seeing as how she's already pretty poweringly horny. Mmmm. Boy, it's a good image though. I might have to use that one later.

Khalid and his family head home after services and Khalid's dad is all, "Racist stuff!" And Khalid and his family laugh and laugh as the scene ends!

You know what? I didn't hate this issue as much as I've hated some of the other issues! Which reminds me, I should probably apologize to Paul Levitz too. I don't have to apologize to Sonny Liew though because I bought his book, The Art of Charlie Chan Hock Chye. Giving cash is better atonement than saying words I don't mean! I mean, I totally meant every word I said! Except that thing about not believing that Chuck Norris vs Communism didn't really happen.

Doctor Fate #13

This cover makes this comic seem far more fascinating than it really is.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue was a major letdown after the ending of the last issue where Kent Nelson said to Khalid, "I believe you have something of mine." Because this issue begins with Nelson telling Khalid to keep the thing that was his which was Fate's helmet! How dare he betray me like that?! Khalid wants to be a real doctor, not a magic doctor! Let him go back to school! Take the helmet away from him! Have sex with his neighbor, Akila! Do all of the things Khalid is afraid to do and just let Khalid's Doctor Fate fade into obscurity! Chalk this up to a failed attempt to cash in on the popularity of Ms. Marvel! Remember, DC, the next time you take advantage of a trend, first understand what the trend is! Sure, Kamala is Muslim and so is Khalid! But Kamala is likeable! Also likable if you prefer the American English spelling which I don't! Khalid is barely tolerable!

At least Kent Nelson is still playing the role of Doctor Fate. It's just he's doing it without the helmet of Thoth. That doesn't matter to me because Kent still wears a replica helmet of Thoth and the look is all that matters. If he's still magic and he still looks like Doctor Fate and he's still mysterious and interesting and sexually adept at pleasing people's horny neighbors, he's still my Doctor Fate! Khalid can go suck a rock!

Doctor Fate #12

Deez nuts!

The Review or Whatever!
All of Khalid's dreams (and mine!) are about to come true by the end of this issue as Kent Nelson arrives to take back the Helm of Fate! For twelve issues, Khalid has questioned his sanity and refused to be the hero Nabu was looking for. For twelve issues, he also refused to have sex with his neighbor, Akila. Constantly she was coming over and saying things like, "Khalid! Do you have time to plumb my gantry?" And Khalid would be all, "What? No? What are you talking about?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Could you come help me! My fertile crescent is flooding!" And Khalid would be all, "Maybe you're hallucinating. Leave me alone!" And she would be all, "Khalid! I have three fingers in and have started without you!" And Khalid would be all, "Do you have a concussion? What do I care about your fingers?" And she would be all, "Khalid! Put your cock inside my asshole!" And Khalid would be all, "I must be dreaming because I thought you just asked me to perform sodomy on you. Now stop calling me!"

You know what? Don't listen to anything in that last paragraph because I actually made this comic book sound way more interesting than it actually is. The reluctant hero bit can work but I think the hero has to realize that the things happening around them are really happening. The whole denial angle got old fast because how many times can you deny your sultry neighbor's sexual advances before the whole comic book just becomes totally unrealistic? Once only, I would think! Maybe Akila will have better luck getting Ken Nelson's pants off!

Doctor Fate #11

Where's Perry White when you need him?

The Review!
I accidentally purchased two copies of this issue because my local comic book store is either full of sadists or smart ass practical jokers. Last week, I didn't consult my list of new comics closely enough and just made sure the number of comic books was the same as the number I was expecting. Lo and behold, it was! But I should have known something was up because Black Canary came out that week and my comic book store never fucking puts Black Canary into my subscription box. Instead they put in another copy of this fucking book. I don't mind taking the $2.24 (after discount!) hit. What I'm really worried about is that DC will think that this book sold more copies than it really should have and think that it's gaining in popularity! I suppose that won't happen since the book was already purchased by my book store and that's all that matters. Fuckers just figured out a way to get this shit out of their inventory by pawning it off on me! Bastards. Do I really need a proper review after the previous statements? I believe I've made my opinion on this book clear.

Doctor Fate #10

Doctor Fate isn't quite as imposing as he used to be.

Rating: Still ranked at 43 out of 51 DC Comics. This is one of those DC Comics where I'm just waiting for it to end. The entire premise seems to be "What if Doctor Fate were a boring, risk-averse medical student who lived at home with his parents?" It seems strange that nobody could have answered that question with "everybody would be bored" before putting out ten issues of this slog. How does DC not know that what sells is adorableness? You know the kinds of characters people wind up thoroughly loving? The kind who they either want to be or want to fuck (sometimes both!). And I don't mean "fuck" literally. I suppose I could have said "have some kind of weird crush on" but then I'd still have to explain further that the crush doesn't necessarily have to be romantic either and that sometimes it's just a strange longing to be near the character that you don't quite understand. I figured it would be easier to just say fuck.

• I couldn't remember what was happening in this comic book until I turned to the first page. And then I only vaguely remembered what the current plot was. The things I remember are these: Khalid won't fuck the neighbor who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid won't fuck his girlfriend who desperately wants to fuck him; Khalid didn't really give a fuck about his cat drowning in the flood. Those are also three reasons why I don't like this Doctor Fate.

• Doctor Fate has discovered that Egyptian ghosts are keeping people prisoner beneath the Egyptian Consulate. Although the way the comic has been going, maybe "discovered" is too strong a word. It's more likely that he believes he's hallucinating the ghosts and the prisoners and the helmet and his entire life. Also he might believe he's dreaming it or he's gone insane. Accepting reality isn't one of his strong suits.

See? Insanity! While I've got a few people's attention, I'd like to point out that color fade in the Narration Boxes of DC Comics? It might be my own ego and narcissistic tendencies but I'm fairly certain DC made that change during The New 52 because they got tired of my photoshopped Narration Boxes making their way around the internet and making their characters look like idiots. Not that it's stopped me. It's just more difficult to swap letters around when the background is a gradient and not a solid color.

• Doctor Fate is battling the ghosts in the basement of the Egyptian Consulate. So when he brings the roof down to crush some ghosts, it shows he hasn't thought about a single aspect of this battle.

• While Doctor Fate battles ghosts to save some protesters, the two women who want to be in his bed are desperately trying to find him. Maybe the earlier flood was a metaphor for the desire of these women? Have I been missing the entire subtext of this comic book?! Is it more fascinating than I realized? Is everything Khalid going through a metaphor for becoming an adult with responsibilities and sexual partners and leaving the toys of childhood behind? Probably not.

• Doctor Fate frees the protesters but is then caught by Roman ghosts and taken before Caeser's Ghost to be punished. I suppose this is probably just another dream.

• I would go back through this series and read it as a young man navigating the path to adulthood but I found it too boring to read the first time through. At one point in this issue, his father says, "[Khalid] is much too busy changing...becoming American...a doctor...whatever he'll be." Later he goes within himself, seeing glimpses of his family's past, and thinks, "But I'm mom too...why isn't any of that in me...or any of my own time, my own world...America...". So see? There's evidence that this is all a metaphorical trip into adulthood and one's own sense of self. I suppose if I were getting paid for this, I'd spend a few work days rereading Doctor Fate and writing about it from this angle. But I'm not so I'll just go back to waiting for this comic book to end.

Doctor Fate #6

I can't believe this many previous Doctor Fates were less capable than the reluctant tool currently wearing the helmet.

I know I'm going to be so bored reading this comic book that I should probably read something even more boring beforehand so it feels exciting and fresh. Come here, poetry of Rudyard Kipling! Let's see..."The Nurses" seems to be a salute to the ten thousand hours principle where the nurse, engineer, and ship's captain all use only forty percent of their brain when performing their tasks, saving the entire brain power for when things really get out of control, like when the nurse has to shake the baby to be quiet or the engineer is being screamed at by his boss and runs the train off the rails, or when the ship's captain is shitting himself because he hit that iceberg and his stupid fucking brain is expending 100% of its power screaming, "Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships! Captains go down with their ships!"

I also use only forty percent of my brain! Some people think that's a lot but then they're idiots who believe all of that shit about people only utilizing twelve percent of their brain power or whatever fucking bullshit number they've heard. It would seem stupid of evolution to continue to expand the powers of our brain while not allowing us to actually access any of that power unless we take a magic fantasy pill. What would be the point?! How would brains that have more abilities that can't be tapped somehow allow for better chances at passing along that person's big, useless brain genes?! Unless it's tied to a genetic marker for big cocks! That would totally be understandable.

Oh shut up, you Coast to Coast AM listeners! I hear you fucking mumbling under your breath at me! Saying stupid shit about how maybe we used to use more of our brain power when we were all magic fairy shaman bastards in touch with the reality that isn't really a reality because just fucking look around you, asshole! Now, I'm certain there is more to this universe than we know. That seems obvious since science still doesn't have answers for everything and mysteries are still all around us. But here's the thing, you illogical rodents. Just because you come up with a theory in your head about why something science doesn't understand is the way it is, that doesn't make your theory true. Or even possibly true. Or even not complete fucking nonsense. Your theories are not scientific theories. Your theories are what is called "idle speculation." I don't listen to Coast to Coast AM anymore because of that "AM" part. My car radio has decided to go with the life philosophy of "What the fuck is AM? That sounds fake." But I still do listen to Art Bell! Recently a woman called up and said something like, "You know how DNA has all those genes that nobody knows what they do and so they're referred to as junk DNA? Well, I have a theory that they house the memories of all of our past lives!" Luckily the guest was Dr. Michio Kaku so he could point out how many fucking neurons and connections in the brain it takes to store memories and how little actual information can be housed on our genes. He was definitely more diplomatic than I would have been since my answer would have been simply laughing for five minutes.

On a related note, I had to ask Lord Google Michio Kaku's name because I'm horrible at remembering names. Luckily Lord Google is just the right percentage of racist that I could simply type in "Japanese physicist" and Lord Google is all, "Oh. You mean Michio! Here's his complete bio since that's obviously the person you were asking about. Tut tut!"

The next Rudyard Kipling poem I'm going to read is called "We and They". But I just had enough minor racism in my night thanks to Lord Google (I'm not owning my own part in figuring "Japanese physicist" would obviously be enough information to get the right name!), so I'd better just set the poetry book down and deal with Kipling's thoughts of "we" and "they" later. For now, Doctor Fate!

Previously, nothing much fucking happened. Khalid got a helmet. Khalid spent five issues thinking his strawberry milk was spiked with LSD. Then he went blind and his nemesis--a stray dog--has gone off to drown the world. I predict Doctor Fate continues to believe he's dreaming and the world will end while the neighbor lady masturbates furiously.

Or did it heal you?! Maybe you just imagined it! Or the injury! Or everything?!

Khalid can't even put the helmet on his head. What this comic book teaches is that you don't have to be a hero to eventually not be a hero. Just fucking give up and remain a weak, boring asshole. But if you choose to do that, I have a suggestion to make! Don't make a comic book about it!

Oh fuck you! Accept your stupid fate, Doctor Dumbfuck!

This guy doesn't deserve to be enrolled in any college which believes in science. I can understand disbelieving some stuff when your world goes completely wonky. But day after day of this bullshit with talking cats and floating helmets and murderous dogs and world ending floods and did I mention the helmet also talks as well as flies? I get it. This is pretty crazy shit. If it were happening in the real world! But this is taking place in the DC Youniverse! I have to imagine that Khalid has heard of a few superheroes over the last eight or nine years, right?! He has to understand that his universe has a place for magic and weirdness! I can't accept a person in the DC Youniverse who is as cynical and stubborn as I am in this, the probably real, universe! It's like zombie movies where everybody is all, "Aaah! What is happening? The dead are walking! What should we call them that isn't the word everybody has been calling them for years?!" At least in Shaun of the Dead, they knew about fucking zombies! I mean, they knew about "fucking as an intensifier" zombies and not "fucking as let's have intimate relationships with these" zombies.

Paul Levitz has no idea what he's doing with this comic book. There. I said it. I have no based-in-evidence faith in him! For five issues, Khalid has refused to recognize what is happening around him. It's the same story over and over again. I feel like I've purchased the same book five times in a row. Just like you're probably thinking, "It feels like I've read the same paragraph five times so far in this commentary!" Well, fuck you! You're going to read that ad nauseam (if that means what I think it means. It could mean "becoming sick over stupid fucking advertisements") until this book changes!

Here's an example of how Levitz just keeps treading water or vamping or buying time or whatever he's doing that keeps him repeating the same shit over and over. On page two, Khalid tries to pick up the helmet and put it on. He fails and falls down in the rain. On page three, Khalid wakes up in the dark, determines maybe he's dreaming or hallucinating (again!), and decides to put on the helmet. He's successful this time although why couldn't he have been successful on page two? Because he was in the wrong location and Levitz merely wanted to mysteriously move him into his bedroom between pages? With the helmet on his head, he can see again. When he takes it off, he's blind. Is that finally going to be the reason Khalid decides to keep the fucking helmet on his head?! Did Paul Levitz finally come up with a way to coerce his main character to be the title superhero?! As opposed to, you know, having Khalid excited about being a superhero?!

If you haven't noticed, I think this book is terrible. Everybody probably thinks this book is terrible. If you don't think it's terrible, you're terrible.

Khalid's dad also finds himself at home because that's where everybody needs to be for the story to not continue to have a plot.

Oh fucking gross. Knock it off! It's not that I'm against old people having sex! Or mixed race intimate relationships (or the type of person who would have even noticed the mixed race aspect of their relationship if...um...my racist neighbor hadn't just come by to borrow a cup of sugar and looked over my shoulder and said that horrible thing he said that I didn't even understand because I'm so not racist!)! But I am against somebody's parents fucking on the couch in the middle of the living room when their son might come down at any moment!

Khalid decides to keep the helmet on so that he can see while he takes a test online. He somehow copes just fine with floating books and magic eyesight. His girlfriend, Soon-to-be-Hawkgirl, continues to try to get him to protest stuff while his neighbor is still trying to fuck him. I understand why he doesn't want to bother with going out in the flood to protest but his neighbor is right down the hall! Someday (like when his girlfriend breaks up with him because he doesn't care enough about the world), Khalid is going to regret never banging the neighbor. She wants it so badly!

Meanwhile, Anubis the Stray Dog continues to destroy the world. He can't do it fast enough, in my opinion (which isn't humble at all because it's the greatest).

It's been time for five previous issues! What makes anybody think he's going to rise to the occasion this time?

Khalid chooses to confront Anubis but only after a factory falls on him. I think that finally gets him angry enough to go kick the shit out of that stray dog. Except it doesn't. He does choose to lecture it though. "Why are you being so meeeeeaaaaaan?!" To which Anubis answers, "SUCK EYE LASERS, DOUCHETER FATE!"

Meanwhile Khalid's parents continue to soil the couch. Ugh. At least I know my mother never soiled the couch in this way since I'm not sure she's had sex since I was conceived. Hmm. That's kind of sad. But I bet my sister soiled the couch with one of her gross boyfriends! Ew! Although I guess that's fair because I'm sure I masturbated on it while pausing some titty shot on a VHS copy of The Clan of the Cave Bear. Seriously though, my mom should have been grossed out by that entire house by the time I got through puberty.

The book ends with, at the very least, Doctor Fate trying to defeat Anubis. Of course he fails and the giant stray dog eats him. It's too bad this wasn't a six issue mini-series because I would be satisfied with this comic book ending this way.

Doctor Fate #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. Nobody needs to be reading this comic book. Nothing is happening. Reality is constantly being denied. A stray dog runs amok unhindered. Khalid's neighbor lies in bed throbbing and wet with the anticipation of a cock that is too busy being attached to a loser. I suppose if somebody was a big enough asshole to defend this comic book, they could point out that Doctor Fate and Anubis do finally battle at the end of this issue. But I would answer thus: "Um. what? I wasn't paying attention. You said 'Doctor Fate' and I just tuned out. Sorry." My recommendation to Doctor Fate fans is to stop reading this comic book and just wait until DC decides to reboot Doctor Fate in a more exciting incarnation. At this point, "more exciting" could mean that he simply gets a job delivering pizzas.

Doctor Fate #5

I don't want to read about any of these Doctor Fates. Unless he's breaking up with Shaya in the lower right panel.

Paul Levitz must be really good at pitching comic books to have gotten the green light on this comic book. How did he make a story of a guy who never accepts being a hero, whines constantly about how hard school is, and believes he's been drugged sound interesting? Unless Paul Levitz ended his Doctor Fate pitch meeting with Round Robin Blowjob Time, I don't see how anybody was interested in this story. Although I think Quentin Tarantino has pitched practically the same thing multiple times although he makes it sound exciting by having every character yell "nigger" as many times as possible. Was there some secret Black Panther Illuminati NAACP meeting where Tarantino was given a lifetime pass to use that word that I typed earlier but probably shouldn't type again because I don't have one of those passes?

I'm quite aware of this need that modern comic book writers have to call attention to aspects of comic books that the audience used to just accept. Why would a normal kid with a scientific mind accept a magic helmet at face value? Why would he just suddenly wear it and think, "Cool! I can do neat stuff!" That doesn't make sense, right? So how about four boring as fuck issues of the character failing to cope with his new circumstances? Maybe it's more believable but so is a medical student trusting his observations instead of constantly wondering how he got on so many drugs and who might have clandestinely slipped them into his Yoo-hoo. Plus Doctor Fate's archenemy is a stray dog. Yippee. I'm trembling with excitement! Unless that's syphilis. Does syphilis make you tremble?

And the very worst part? He doesn't fucking care that his cat is dead.

The cat tells him to put the helmet on, shut the fuck up, and save the world. Hopefully that will finally put an end to all the nonsense since this issue is called "Confrontation." I'm pretty sure that by using that word as the title, something exciting has to happen by the end of the issue.

Doctor Fate is still not entirely sure he has the magic figured out so he decides to start his new career slow and boring. He catches some guys looting a television. So now his enemies include not only a stray dog but some looters as well. It's just as boring as it sounds. Although imagine if this scene were written by Tarantino! Heads would be exploding! Time wouldn't flow in chronological order! N-words would be raining down all over the place! Teenaged white male readers would be jerking each other off over that comic book!

This is usually where I'd say some interesting and possibly funny stuff but why bother? Paul Levitz isn't really trying, so why should I? I'm nothing if not petulant!

Oh, by the way, here's where the sex scene would go if this comic book were interesting.

And this scene where nothing happens ends just before she puts her hand down the front of her pants.

Meanwhile, Khalid has made it home from stopping looters and prepares for bed. He gets in his pajamas. He brushes his teeth. He thinks about how he isn't really a hero and can't save the world. He ignores the texts from his horny neighbor. I'm not saying my life is any more exciting than this but at least I'm not charging anybody three dollars to hear about it. Would that work? Would anybody pay three dollars to hear about what I did last night? It's actually more interesting than this comic book and I don't even own a magic helmet.

Luckily before Khalid goes to sleep and dooms the world, the helmet tells Khalid where Anubis is so that a confrontation can take place. Finally! Currently Anubis is threatening Khalid's father. But it's time for the big fight! It's going to be so exciting! Here it comes! The moment this comic book has been building super slowly to! The magic battle of the century!

Goddammit!

Khalid's not sure what to do with his father. I don't think it matters because no matter how many panels Khalid speaks to him and calls him dad, his dad doesn't say a word. But the helmet suggests that Khalid maybe try sticking around and fighting the stray dog. Which, once again, makes Khalid question reality.

I get it, Paul! I fucking get it! He's fucking reluctant and this is too crazy to believe!

The stray dog gets really big and blames all the world's evil on man's love of technology. And then Doctor Fate gives up. He offers to give Anubis the helmet if he'll restore his father's eyes. Anubis decides he'd rather take Khalid's eyes instead.

Doctor Fate #5 Rating: -2 Ranking. So that was the big confrontation with Anubis? Khalid runs, gives up, and then trades away the helmet and his eyesight. You keep saying you're not a hero, Khalid? Well congratulations! You're not! You're a boring piece of shit who really should be fucking his neighbor right now. I suppose if your life is so boring that reading about a boring person's life would actually keep you entertained, maybe you'd like this comic book. But anybody who has Bagel Bites or Tater Tots in the freezer already has more entertainment value ready to go. Just pop those suckers in the oven and stare through the window to watch them cook for forty minutes. Fun! To increase enjoyment, masturbate while watching.

Doctor Fate #4

Symbolism!

Our economy is like seats on an airliner. The corporations we're all destined to be shackled to throughout our life decide how much leg space we have. We accept or never fly (I've chosen not to fly! For now!). If corporations treat their employees kindly, we have lots and lots of foot room! We don't need to recline our seats or anything. Although if we do choose to recline our seats, it doesn't bother the person behind us because we all have plenty of room. But if corporations are assholes because some old fuckfaced jelly bean lover tore down the tax rates on the upper, upper, upper end of income because he didn't truly believe in "trickle down" economics ("trickle down" was actually already happening because when somebody is getting taxed at a rate of 99% on the upper, upper, upper end of their income, instead of accepting that 1% and giving up 99% to the government, they tend to put it back into the company which means higher wages for employees, better benefits, Beer Fridays, etc.) and actually believed in putting more money into the bank accounts of the already extremely wealthy, then the space between seats is reduced to a really uncomfortable and limited area. Now the only way to feel comfortable is to recline your seat which only makes the person behind you more uncomfortable and forces them to make a decision as to whether or not they're going to recline and continue the cycle. Now the workers are all fighting for scraps. Also the drink service sucks because the flight attendants are rabid dogs who have never learned how to open cans because they can't stop biting people. Also they're afraid of liquids.

I hate analogies no matter how fun they are to use to point out to somebody something which is too complex to state plainly and also might not make your argument look so good. So it's always better to think up a situation that makes your side sound so patently obvious that the other person would be a moron to not agree with you. Then you just change the analogy back to the original situation and yell, "AHA! You do agree with me!" Hopefully the other person says "Yes, I guess I do!" rather than choosing to punch you in the face for being a huge smart ass.

What I'm trying to say is that removing the burden of huge taxes on the extremely wealthy's upper, upper, upper end of their income (and not, as advocates for tax breaks on the wealthy would have you believe, the burden of huge taxes on all of a wealthy person's income. Everybody, rich and poor, are taxed exactly the same amount as everybody else on the money they make (excluding loopholes). Learn how taxes work, assholes) has destroyed the middle class by teaching CEOs and other high ranking corporate bastards that more money is simply more money! So not only did money not get reinvested into corporations by the Trickle Down Myth, CEOs realized they could make even more money (now that it wasn't taxed away to nothing) by lowering wages, removing benefits, taking away Beer Fridays, and et cetera. America!

What does any of that have to do with Doctor Fate? Well, nothing. It's just that I hate people who use umbrellas because they're taking up more space on the streets than they need, sending water that should have gone onto their heads onto me instead, and often don't realize how many times they almost pop open passersby's eyes. Selfish bastards.

Currently, Kent is in class learning about science! I think he's learning about science. I'm not sure I'd stick with this class if my "Medicine, Genes, and Cells" professor told me that "Being a doctor is part science, part theater, and a hint of magician as..." (her dialogue box fades out but I think I got enough). I want a doctor who believes being a doctor is all science! I don't want her reciting Shakespeare or pulling a rabbit out of my colon! Drop the course, Kent!

Holy fuck! His cat died and you're telling him to buck up while misquoting Through the Looking-Glass?! Don't just drop that course! Drop Shaya too!

For most of the rest of the book, Khalid--or Kent, I guess--learns how to use the helmet. He decides to go pray to some ancient Gods at a rebuilt and restored (stolen) temple in some museum in Brooklyn. He seems to finally give in and accept that he needs to learn to use the helmet to save the world. Of course after learning a bit, he tries to give the helmet back and declares he's not strong enough to be Doctor Fate. Then he goes back to believing that the whole fucking thing is a hallucination or some kind of drug-induced paranoia.

The caterpillar never asked Alice to smoke anything. Stop getting Lewis Carroll books wrong.

I get it! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero! He's reluctant! How many issues are we going to waste on this wishy-washy behavior?! Better books than this have gone to their graves dillydallying like this. You've got your point across. Khalid is unsure about his ability! Now just force him into a fight with Anubis already.

Oh hey guys! Khalid doesn't want to be a hero!

The Sphinx tells Khalid that to defeat Anubis, he must give Anubis what he wants most in all the world. Beggin' Strips?

Khalid saves some people on the way home because that's what he should be doing, even if it was a pretty boring rescue and not something I'd want to read about every month. And then he begins to wonder how Anubis is destroying the world when Jesus and Allah have so many people worshiping them. Yeah! And what about Krishna?! And Buddha! And me! We're all way stronger than Anubis! And most of us other gods spend nearly zero percent of our lives licking our balls. It would be exactly zero percent but occasionally Krishna drips some butter on his balls and just goes to town. That guy just can't get enough of that stuff.

Khalid somehow comes to the conclusion that God helps those who help themselves. Which basically means God doesn't do shit. Hey, guess what I do! I help those who help themselves too! Fucking philanthropist right here! After Khalid has this revelation (with the help of remembering Oh God), Bast reappears and tells Khalid it is time to Fate up. And the Next Month Blurb says, "Confrontation". Bullshit! That's what it said at the end of the last issue! I'm not going to wait around for it much longer! It's not like I was promised a blow job!

Doctor Fate #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Get on with the story, Levitz! So far you've written four issues of Khalid saying dopey shit like "Am I on drugs?" and "This can't be happening!" He's said it many different ways across several different panels throughout all four issues. I'm bored. I'm so fucking bored that I just broke the head off of my Doctor Fate Super Powers figure and screamed, "Do something! Just do something, asshole!" Now I'm sort of bummed that I did that because I don't think the Doctor Fate Super Powers Action Figure can actually do magic to restore itself.

The New Teen Titans #33 (July 1987)

The Teen Titans stop a bunch of Zandia terrorists from demolishing New York. They also manage to help the terrorists return to Zandia to make Zandia a better place. Unless they just threw them right into jail when the issue ended after acting compassionately toward them. It doesn’t really matter because the point was that the Teen Titans are back together and doing good! Huzzah!

I have no idea what act these two are about to engage in. Does anybody know ASL (Adult Sign Language)?

During this issue, Paul Levitz (I'm sure it was Levitz and not Wolfman because I can't trust Marv Wolfman to write an intelligent thought after having previously read 32 issues of this comic book) offers a salient moment about the balance between security and freedom.

But not only what the perpetrator is willing to sacrifice! Also what citizens are willing to sacrifice for the illusion of "100% secure."

Number of Issues Where The Teen Titans Do Something Heroic: 2 out of 33.

The New Teen Titans #32 (June 1987)

The Teen Titans go on a vacation and solve a murder that wasn’t actually a murder but just a med school prank. I hope Aqualad saved himself from Mento’s clutches in Spotlight on Teen Titans during the last six months because the Titans don’t seem to give a fuck about him. Not that I blame them. Who needs some guy hanging around who has to jump in a pool once per hour?

In this issue, Terry gets passive aggressive when Donna tells him she's actually going to try to do some good work for the community.

Don’t you need to have not been fired from your job as a professor for not doing your job as a professor to continue calling yourself a professor?

Number of Issues Where The Titans Act Like Bonafide Super Heroes: 1 out of 32.

The New Teen Titans #31 (May 1987)

I got excited when I read “The Last Battle” because I thought it meant the Titans were going to die in this issue. I’m the eternal optimist because the stack of 120+ Teen Titans comics to my left is proof that they just keep going and going. But I was hoping that those would just slowly fade out of existence after I read this issue. Instead, Brother Blood was defeated. And even though I had great hopes for The Teen Titans finally doing a second heroic thing in their comic book, Brother Blood only lost because Mother Mayehm cut off his power in a jealous rage.

Seriously, Blood. Can we talk for a second? You kind of defeated yourself when you tried to stick your dick in Raven on national television while your baby mama was in the control room directing your live performance. I realize you had to try, though. You feed off of emotion and passion; Raven amplifies and projects it. The sex would have been incredibly dysfunctional and disgusting. You couldn’t not go for it. So you defeated yourself, Brother. No big deal. At least the Titans didn’t do it (even if they get all the credit in the media because Bethany Snow is busted for being a shill for your cult and can’t spend 24/7 whinging on air about the Titans anymore). I’ll see you when you get better, buddy!

At some point in this issue (I read it some time ago and am updating the "reviews" while I bring them over from tumblr), Robotman's head gets welded onto Cyborg's body. How come I don't remember this? It seems like I should remember the best thing to ever happen in an issue of The New Teen Titans.

This reminds me that I should go back to reviewing episodes of Friends.

At the end of this adventure, the Titans stand around awkardly as Jason Todd admits that Batman spanks him.

My poor boy. Now I understand why you became such a monster.

It's also possibly when Jason Todd says "bottom lotion," he means the lotion he uses on the lower half of his body when thinks about Starfire's tits.

Number of Issues In Which The Teen Titans Do Something Besides Scream, “I HATE YOU!”, At One of Their Parents: 1 out of 31.

Sometimes I plug my nose and read the letters pages. Then I read a letter like this and think, "I wonder if my parents are proud of me?"

Gus Wilson, Inventor of Internet Comments.

The New Teen Titans #30 (April 1987)

Superman, Batman, Booster Gold, John Stewart, and some other heroes all gathered together last issue to save the Titans. But on the way to save the Titans, they realized Brother Blood was taking over the world and abandoned the rescue mission. Don’t any of those guys own television sets?! Anyway, Wally’s girlfriend Fran saves them while Jason Todd saves Raven by throwing her half-dead mother at her. I think the Titans are set to do something heroic next issue!

Jason Todd is always up to something disgusting.

Number of Issues Where The Titans Aren’t Merely Selfish Assholes Dealing With Parental Issues: 1 out of 30.

The New Teen Titans #29 (March 1987)

Brother Blood defeats the Titans so Magenta calls in The Batman and his friends to save the day. I don’t know why she had to call them when the Titans getting their asses handed to them was being broadcast all over the world. I can’t wait to see Batman scold Jason Todd for being there without permission! Maybe Bats will confiscate his Garbage Pail Kid stickers.

Kory! Now is not the time!

Number of Issues In Which The Titans Do Anything Heroic At All: 1 out of 29.

At the end of this issue, DC published this opinion piece by Julia Sabbagh.

This plea is radically of its time but I think it's important to see what was being asked of comic creators way back in 1987.


No shit, DC. That's why she fucking wrote it!