Action Comics #976

I accept neither of these as the real Superman. Where the fuck is the spit curl?

If this cover says what I think it's saying, it's kind of a spoiler for the end of the story, right? Preboot Superman is Superman Blue, the Superman who thinks his way out of situations. New 52 Superman is Superman Red, the Superman who prefers punching first and then punching later too. And if they are Superman Red and Superman Blue then they're just two halves of the same Superman. That means the ending of this story will be the merging of the two Supermen which will result in Superman being the better Superman who can also claim to be Batman's friend. And while you are all standing and applauding the use of Red and Blue Superman in a novel way to explain some pretty fucked up Superman history, please try to ignore the Blue and Red Lois behind the curtain. It probably makes sense somehow. I bet after Superman split himself in two with his kryptonite-powered Dopplegänger creator invention (which he totally didn't invent because he wanted to fuck himself), Lois wandered in to totally not dust it because that would be sexist and thought, "Hmm. I wonder what it would be like to fuck myself?"

So that's probably the end of the story! I guess there's some details I'm missing and, hopefully, some flashbacks to Lois fucking herself (and Superman too! It's not that I don't want to see that as well. I just want to see Lois on Lois action a little bit more).

The story continues with New 52 Superman and Lois being freed from Hell by Jon. He doesn't realize they're not his parents though because he's yet to see Superman punch a helpless normie criminal in the face while Lois writers a terrible article on how heroic Superman is rather than how violent and debauched. Preboot Superman and Lois fell off the side of the building and are presumably dead. Unless what's really happened is that Superman and Lois have just finally forgotten everything the way Mr. Mxyzptlk wanted them to forget because they already merged with Red Superman and Red Lois aka the New 52 idiots.

Look at this bully! He even pushes himself around.

As Superman and Mxy argue, Jon notices a couple of blue spheres floating around now. It looks like the red versions of Superman and Lois just kicked the blue versions out of their homes. So now they just need to merge and they'll have beaten Mr. Mxyzptlk. Plus Dan Jurgens doesn't need to think of a way to trick Mxy into saying his name backwards because Mxy has a signed contract that says he'll agree to go home if Superman makes it to the end of the board game. And anyway, Mxy wants to go home before Dr. Oz takes notice of him.

I probably could have left this review with my interpretation of the cover because the details really don't matter! Mxy bails because he's afraid of Dr. Oz while Superman and Lois embrace their blue (Preboot) and red (New 52) halves to fix DC continuity. I probably should have put fix in quotes because every time DC tries to fix something wrong with their continuity, they just make it worse. It would be so much easier to just embrace my fix: denial! Just fucking pretend everything works and stop worrying about the discussions on rabid fangender forums about the minutest continuity problems!

It looks like DC might just be taking my approach but with this story as a kind of Pilate washing his hands of it all moment. Here's what Dr. Oz says: "This changes everything. A new, existence-wide, single reality, rebuilt from two. A timeline and history both familiar and new with lives realigned. Consistent with the memories and experiences of all. Everything solidified. Locked in so it all fits." There you have it! Exactly what I was hoping Rebirth would be (although it took long enough for DC to get around to it. And, in fact, I don't think DC intended this fix, exactly, from the beginning. They probably read my blog and were all, "That Tess is right! Let's just create a universe where it all works simply because we say it does! But we need a story to get us there! Oh! I know! How about instead of just a Red and Blue Superman, we have a Red and Blue DC Continuity! Merge them and then all stories are true!" Then Greg Rucka was all, "But what about what I'm doing in Wonder Woman! You're going to ruin my story with your shortcut!" And DC was all, "Oh, go to hell, you pretentious twat."

Dr. Oz marvels at Superman's ability to rewrite reality without the go ahead of his editors. Then Dr. Oz thinks, "Speaking of editors, I wonder what Big Blue will think about this! And I don't mean Superman!" Then there's a shot of Mars. Stunner!

The Ranking!
+1! I have to give this a plus one, at least, because it's done the only thing I really wanted out of Rebirth. It's simply allowed for all stories (Pre-Crisis, Post-Crisis, Zero Hour, Infinite Crisis, New 52, Rebirth) to be as true as the reader wants them to be. Don't like a story? Forget about it! It doesn't need to exist! Love a story that was wiped from existence by some reboot or another? It's part of continuity if you want it to be! All you have to do is ignore the ravenous fangenders who will obstinately bring up moments that contradict the moment you love! This issue is a loudly shouted "FUCK OFF!" to those dicks!

Superman #12

The Frankensteins are coming for dinner!

The first thing I noticed is that Lois rides a boy's bike. I get that girl's bikes were designed for skirts but we all realized as boys, fairly early on, that girl's bikes would have been preferable for boys as well. It just takes one accident where you rack yourself on the frame to realize you wished you had had the balls to buy a girl's bike before you lost them on the boy's bike. Of course, now that there isn't any stigma against a woman riding a bike like a man (meaning riding a bike like a normal person would ride a fucking bike if it weren't for social conventions created by horrible and uptight people), it's no big deal. But I still noticed it! Lois is such a man!

Even though Lois has accepted the job at the Daily Planet pretending to be Lois Lane, Lois Smith still needs a job of her own. So she's going to be working for the Hamilton Horn, Hamilton County's local paper. And she gets her first big story during the interview as Frankenstein crashes through the wall.

Frankenstein thinks the editor in chief is somebody named Outcast. He also mentions SHADE which is usually when I begin suggesting possibly reverse acronyms for it. Super Humans Against Dowdy Editors?

Lois Lane keeps one of Batman's Hellbat gloves in her backpack. I would say she stole it but if Batman has yet to reclaim it, the only reasonable assumption is that he doesn't mind Lois having it. She uses it to put down Frankenstein so she can help the editor escape. The editor must be evil because why else would Frank target her? Other than the fact she's an editor. I mean, that alone is reason enough to destroy her and send her to Hell.

I might have an irrational hatred and bias toward editors. Although maybe it's not irrational. You would probably hate people who constantly "tsk-tsked" your manuscripts as well. What do editors know about art anyway?! They look at the Chicago Manual of Style as the Mona Lisa of grammar. More like a gigantic snoozefest of boring rules and impossible to follow regulations!

Lois and Candice, the editor (can you read the word "editor" as if it's in some kind of gross, dripping font every time you see me write it? Thanks!), escape in Frank's hovercycle he brought to the scene of his attempted justicing. See that last sentence? That's pretty good, right?! Totally conveys the point I'm trying to make. But an editor (dripping font, remember!) would be all, "Justicing is not a word. Change it. It should make sense." But it does make sense! Everybody can sense the fuck out of it! Except stupid editors.

Frankenstein hops on the vehicle as Lois uses it to escape. But then Superman appears because the title of this comic book is "Superman" and not "The Adventures of Superman's Wife, Lois Smith".

Last issue, Superman fought Swamp Thing. Now he's fighting Frankenstein. Let me guess: next story, he's going to beat the shit out of Kermit the Frog!

Frank shoots Superman in the face with his magic pistol and then crushes Superman under a tractor. Then he walks away as if that's all it takes to defeat Superman. I don't think Frankenstein has been doing his SHADE homework again. Stupid Homework Always Drags Endlessly?

Guns don't kill Frankenstiens. Mobs with pitchforks and torches kill Frankensteins.

Superman returns to punch Frank in the face again but not before Frank uses his Remote Control to call back his hover vehicle. It returns with Lois still at the helm and smashes into the back of Superman's head. Hopefully it's made of technology and not magic or else Superman might have a super-concussion.

Frankenstein cuts off Candice's face revealing she's a Manhunter. Or a robot or something. You know, like I said, she's a fucking editor. They all deserve to get their faces cut off!

Candice turns out to be Kroog, some kind of alien murderer. Now Superman needs to figure out if he should stop Frankenstein or not. And Lois will have to figure out what the Frankensteins eat when she cooks them supper at the end of the next issue, after the Bride of Frankenstein arrives. I know she was on the cover of this issue but she didn't quite make it before the first part ended.

The Ranking!
+1! Come on! Frankenstein has come back! That alone is worth the cover price. But also, the editor was revealed to be a hidden monster! And guess who edits this book? Eddie Berganza! Coincidence? I think not!

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Batman Loves Superman #32

This has "international incident" written all over it.

The Review!
See that number five on the cover of this book? Just take a black marker and cross it out. Then take your copy of Action Comics #52 and, using your black marker, replace the six with a five. Because you don't need to read this comic book. You don't want to read this comic book. The only thing it accomplished for me was making me hate Superman and Wonder Woman. They act like entitled children in their visit to China (which, I suppose, makes them no worse than most America tourists). The only thing you need to know from this story is that there is now a Chinese Superman flying around China. That's it. Nothing else in this story matters. Although looking at the cover and seeing that the entire Great Ten are on it while only seven of the Great Ten appear in the book makes me wonder about one of the worst lines in the entire book. It's when Wonder Woman first responds to the Great Ten telling the heroes to leave China. She haughtily proclaims that they can't count because there are only seven of them. Why put all ten on the cover and then just bring seven to the battle so that Wonder Woman can be a dick about it? I'm going to blame this bullshit on Eddie Berganza. He probably decided ten were too many characters to throw in the mix and then added Wonder Woman's shitty line to the script to address the missing members. Whatever is happening in this comic book, it's all horrible. Maybe Tomasi should just stick to writing Alfred, Bruce, and Damian. Working under Berganza is making him look like a shitty writer.

The Commentary!
For most of you, Superman has either already died or been miraculously saved because you've read the Superman #52. I won't be reading it for another two weeks or so because I'm so busy that I'm falling behind reading my comic books. Never mind what I've been busy doing! Curing cancer and playing video games can both be described as "being busy!" Also, in the immortal words of Rush, "If you choose to do nothing, you're still busy doing nothing." So suck it, judgmental nerds! Is this a case of protesting too much?

Okay, so Superman is dying. But he isn't concerned with finding a cure. He never read that poem about not going gentle into a perfectly reasonable night which totally proves that life is worth living or something. Although I wrote a poem called "Rage, Rage Against the Person Raging Against the Dying of the Light" which totally proves that it's better to just shut up and die and stop bothering everybody else with your problems. So, you know. I'm just as great as that Dylan Thomas guy! What else did he write anyway? Like anybody knows him for anything else! That'll teach him for writing one thing that was so much better than everything else! Or, if not better than other things he wrote, at least it was mercifully short. Nobody has time to read your stupid plays, Thomas!

It's cases like Dylan Thomas's that move me to write tons and tons of mediocre bullshit. That way nothing I write can ever outshine the rest of what I write and nobody will remember me for only the one thing! Instead they'll say things like "Grunion who?" and "Tess ate what? What the fuck are you talking about?" and "People who waste time reading comic books are probably stupid fucking assholes who never get laid." The imaginary people of the future are hurtful.

Why wasn't Bruce Wayne prescribed Dionesium years ago?!

Why doesn't Batman tell Superman about this thing called Dionesium that can cure even death? Does he not want his friend to live? I'm sure Superman can tunnel down under Gotham and find whatever's left of the stuff, right? I bet Batman is selfishly hoarding it just in case any more of his sidekicks die.

Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are currently headed into China to investigate the person who hacked the Fortress of Solitude and sent Chinese Zodiac monsters after Superman. That means they're going to ignore international borders because they don't have time to go through the proper legal channels like everybody else who wants to visit China. It must be nice living a life where you think the laws don't apply to you. Oh, you know what? It is nice! I'm one of those people! Although I think we're all really those people. If there's a law that's inconveniencing us at the moment, most of us will simply ignore it because, at the moment, it's obviously so stupid that it should never have been a law in the first place and we're modern day Henry David Thoreaus! We're taking a stand against injustice! Plus I really just needed to get across the street and am an adult and don't need a properly designated crossing to tell me when it's safe to cross! I'm a rebel! Plus I remember that thing where you look one way and then the other and then the other way before proceeding!

The Great American Trinity cross into China and are immediately brought down by some kind of force power. They're greeted by August General in Iron and the rest of the Chinese National Superhero Group, The Great Ten. Wonder Woman decides being told by another hero that she isn't allowed to cross international borders willy-nilly is the best time to point out a person's poor counting skills. It seems to me the American heroes should be apologizing profusely and explaining themselves rather than acting like they own the entire fucking world.

Christ. I'm American and now I hate Americans too! I think American tourists are worse for the United State's image than their atrocious foreign policy and imperialist attitude toward solving world problems!

Wonder Woman is from Themyscira and now lives in London so I'd understand if somebody wanted to argue that she's not American. But she's representing America by wearing the flag as a leotard and being an abrasive asshole, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to claim her as one of ours. That whole living in London to distance yourself from America isn't fooling anybody, Madonna! I mean Wonder Woman!

So apparently it's okay to beat the shit out of people enforcing their international border if they tell you that you should not be crossing illegally into their country. How dare they?! Maybe if I draw some Starros on Superman and Wonder Woman's faces in that previous scene, I'd be more inclined to buy their attitude. If Superman hadn't been so jovial in the opening scene, I might also chalk his attitude up to being desperately in a hurry because he's dying. But he doesn't really seem all that bothered by dying. I think he's just in the mood to kick some Chinese ass because he's upset about the trade disparity. America! When things don't go our way, we knock the Monopoly board on the floor and blame everybody else for ruining the game.

You never even tried to ask them anything! You just started mouthing off and acting like you owned the place, you asshole! How should they have reacted? With obsequiousness?

I guess if Tomasi wanted to write a story which made me hate Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, he's succeeded! What makes this worse is that Batman worked with August General in Iron in Justice League International. You'd think Batman would have kept that line of communication open just for these moments when he needed to be in China at a moment's notice. If Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman actually wanted to ask questions, they could have gotten in contact with August General in Iron. And since they didn't do that, I have to assume they really did just want to physically prove themselves superior to the Chinese heroes.

To prove that they're indeed friends and have come in peace, Batman puts the August General in Iron's life at risk so that Superman can save it. Everybody knows that that's the point where the opposition says something like, "You...you...you saved me life? Why?!" Then the heroes can be all, "Because we're heroes and we didn't want to fight you! But you were all, 'We're going to fight you!' So we had to be all, 'Oh yeah?! Well we're defending ourselves!' And so we had to fight!" And the opposition usually doesn't say but probably always thinks, "But that's not how it happened at all! Not at all!"

So now that the entire misunderstanding has been straightened out by the brusque, obnoxious assholes having proven that they're actually good people and not the dickfart frat jerks they first presented themselves as being, the Chinese and American heroes can discuss the situation rationally. At this point, I really don't fucking care if this Superman dies. And he may as well take Wonder Woman with him. Assholes.

No, August General in Iron, it does not. Do not allow these assholes to get away with their behavior! Do not compliment him on saving your life when he and his friends first endangered it! They could have approached politely and had this discussion instead of being insulting and aggressive.

The Great Ten escort the Big Three to Doctor Omen's lab where they discover she's created her own Chinese Superman by collecting Superman's FWASH power particulates or something. It's all quite scientific and inscrutable. Doctor Omen isn't a fan of being questioned by Americans so she frees Chinese Superman and he flies off to do whatever Chinese superheroes are taught to do. I'm not even going to speculate because I'll invariably say something insensitive or racist like how he's probably off to pee in Cokes. No way I'll be tricked into typing something like that!

The Great Ten explain that they will deal with Chinese Superman as long as he's in China and then kick the Americans out. August General in Iron does agree to remain in contact with Superman even though he never stayed in contact with Batman. I'll just assume that was Batman's fault. Although Batman isn't the type of guy to lose contacts or burn bridges. He plans for every possibility! Like the possibility that one day he'd need to enter China to deal with something and having a powerful Chinese ally like August General in Iron is something Batman wouldn't just toss out like a smeg-covered egg salad sandwich from a stranger.

Meanwhile, Impostor Superman has decided to visit Lois Lane at her apartment. Maybe Lois will get the scoop on this guy since that's what she does.

The Multiversity: Ultra Comics #1

Yay! I finally have a copy of a cursed comic book! Come and get me, Gentry!

This issue takes place on Earth-33 which is Earth Prime which is the fictional Earth of the DC Universe that represents the real Earth in which the DC Universe was created. I'm sure this entire plot will just be as confusing as that last sentence.

In my commentary on the first issue of The Multiversity (and a slight revisionist tweaking of them in the second issue), I pointed out that we, the readers, were going to be the heroes of this series. Because the only way the heroes could win the day and defeat The Gentry is if we continue reading the story to the ultimately heroic conclusion. That's why The Gentry want us to stop reading the comic book by writing "NOT" in big red letters on the cover of the comic book. They don't want us fucking up their plans by putting eyes to paper and setting the probable into the palpable.

I hope this is a Choose Your Own Adventure comic book! Or a Mad Lib! I want to be more than just a passive observer! I suppose I could get a pen and just draw dicks on everybody.

The issue begins with Ultra Comics telling me that he's from 38 pages and 24 hours into my future. Is that an insult? I may read slow but it doesn't take me a full day to read a forty page comic book! Asshole. He then tells me not to turn to the last page or "it's all over." Really?!

Ha ha ha! Fuck you, Ultra Comics!

Ultra also mentions that the comic book is indeed cursed. But with my help, he thinks he can stop the curse from spreading. But not the rest of you jerks! He tells the rest of you jerks not to turn the page or else your worlds will become infected too! And you don't want that because you can't handle it the way that I can. I'm a hero!

Except then some vines or centipedes or guts or something grab Ultra by the brain and he screams that the comic book is a trap called The Oblivion Machine and that I shouldn't turn the page.

I wonder if by "YOU!" he means me because I turned to the last page of the comic book when he told me not to? Maybe I'm the opposite of a hero! Whatever that is!

Ultra Comics says, "Do not turn the page for it is a trap, sir!" What do you do? If you turn the page, turn the page. If you choose not to turn the page, punch yourself in the genitals for wasting five dollars.

I choose to turn the page because I don't want to hit myself in the genitals again!

I wonder if I could have just given Grant Morrison five bucks to jerk off directly into my mouth?

Holy shit! This comic book is blowing my mind! There's a comic book character speaking directly to me! And everything he's saying is true! When I read his word balloon, it is like his voice is right in my head! And the comic book is a physical object! I've never had such a real and meaningful comic book experience in my whole entire life! Except maybe that time Groo ate some cheese dip. Ha ha! That was hilarious! Then somebody called him a mulcher and he got offended! Classic!

This guy tells me that I'm the secret identity of Ultra Comics. Me! He also says Ultra Comics has "thousands of secret identities" which kind of ruins the whole effect for me. I don't want to share this hero business with anybody with five bucks to blow on this comic book! I mean, one of those people could have been a girl! Eww!

On the next page, Ultra Comics rises out of a Four Color Printing Machine. He also has a big tube attached to his crotch because his cock must be massive! People are going to look at that and think, "Holy smokes! His secret identity must be that one guy with the massive cock!" They'll never guess it's me! I mean, they'll probably guess it's me!

Ultra Comics is all, "You can be a hero too if you just read this comic cover to cover!" But I'm all, "You just told me not to turn the page or to read the last page or to do anything, really!" And he's all, "That was probably a future version of me that doesn't know anything! Forget about him! It'll all be different somehow now!" And I'm all, "Bullshit! Comic book pages don't spontaneously change! It takes effort and a Sharpie and a lack of care for the potential future value of the comic book!"

After Ultra Comics is created, he only gets two pages to develop a history. So he saves Bruce Wayne's parents thus defeating Batman the only way he can be defeated! Then he saves Lois Lane from some Daemonites or something. Then Ultra Comics Boy Or Girl dies in a catastrophic crisis on infinite Ultra Comics unless it was just the Death in the Ultra Comics story. And then he goes all grim and modern and pulls out the intestines of some villain. He also gets an attitude with me, his secret identity! Hey buddy! I can stop reading at any time!

NO! Fuck you, Ultra Comics! FUCK. YOU. Right in the ass bone!

Ultra Comics merges with everybody reading the comic book and we all come in our pants with our various junk. He comes gushing waves of four color ink all over the floor of the lab where he was created. And suddenly he's ready to fight crime with the power of my imagination! I'm going to get him laid!

Ultra Comics heads out on his first adventure called "Out of His Box!" Since he's powered by my imagination and I want to get him laid, I Sharpie in the rest of the title: "...And Into Hers!"

The guy in the suit interrupts my comic book to tell me that Ultra Comics has been led into a trap. And then he adds that I have been led into a trap as well. Duh! I am Ultra Comics, buddy! You told me that! Why can't this guy remember what he already said?

While searching the strange, parallel world he's been sent to for his first adventure, Ultra Comics discovers he can hear his secret identities' thoughts as they read the comic book!

Oh god! I'm so embarrassed now!

Ultra Comics hasn't been led into a trap at all! He's the fucking cursed comic that's bringing the HIT (Hostile Independent Thought-form. Or a really super successful comic book) to all the other parallel worlds and/or our brains! Kill yourself, Ultra Comics! Kill yourself now!

See, it's annoying when you have somebody yelling at you to do as they say, isn't it, Ultra Comics?

I think what Ultra Comics is trying to say is that ideas are dangerous and yet we have no great security system to protect us from ideas. But he's wrong! We have the ultimate security to protect us from ideas! It's called bigotry and prejudice and close-mindedness and adamantly believing that whatever we believe is the best thing to believe!

Ultra Comics helps save a young woman from the Jussssstissssse Sssssossssssiety. That's a hissing joke because they're lizard people. I think. They might also be part spider people but I don't know what kinds of sounds spiders make because they're always drowned out by people screaming about how hideous they are.

After saving the young woman, she introduces Ultra Comics to her friends: The Neighborhood Guard! It's a bunch of kids fighting for their lives in a dystopian future where lizard people rule the wastelands! The kids have found one of Luthor's Transmatter Cube things and Ultra Comics helps deliver it to the grownups. I hope Ultra Comics doesn't wind up cursing the box and sending copies of his cursed comic books to all of the other worlds! Oh, of course that wouldn't happen. What will probably happen is Ultra Comics will talk to me some more and then blame me for cursing all of the other worlds because he's a fucking asshole that can't take responsibility for his own actions so he's going to blame the comic book readers.

The adults on this planet are all named Ultra. Even Ace Ultra from Justice League United is here! And for once somebody besides me calls him "Ace"! I really am in this comic book!

Oh, also? They're SUPER CANNIBALS!

Ultra Comics is captured so that he can be consumed by Ultraa! Ultraa was the original one and only Earth-Prime superhero who was the only survivor of a space ark that crashed into our sun. Controlled by a super computer named Maxitron, it sent Ultraa to Earth Prime to be the last survivor of his race. Eventually he was kidnapped to Earth-one by the Justice League of America because Earth-Prime just wasn't a great place for super heroes. Plus they fucked with all of our minds and erased all knowledge of him from our history! Those bastards! What gives them the right?!

Anyway, Ultraa tries to eat Ultra's brains. Instead he just eats the Crystal of Imagination! NO! That was my creativity, you...you...Oh! You you!

Ultraa prepares the Transmatter Cube and then Ultra defeats him with the power of his imagination. He's like Eddie in It with his asthma spray that becomes acid because he thinks it into being. But it's too late because one of The Gentry has started to come through the Transmatter Cube.

Well, at least it ate the dick in the suit.

Ultra battles Intellectron by trapping it inside his comic book which he claims is subject to criticism which will help defeat Intellectron. I have to say that the in-comic criticism is pretty shitty stuff. Come on, Grant Morrison! Critics aren't just mindless assholes who can only type things like, "The big bad is an egg? DER!" and "A 5-Dimensional evil egg! LOL!! DER!" and "This guy's raped my wallet way too many times! DER!" Well, that last one might be fairly accurate. Except you're being way too hard on yourself! If you meant for this to be a completely shitty comic book so that you could laugh at the people criticizing it because they helped to defeat the bad guy by criticizing it, then you fucked up because it's not that shitty! It's got Ace Ultra and Ultraa in it! That's...okay, so that's not actually great. But it is interesting? Plus super cannibals!

Wait! I shouldn't be defending this comic book because that makes me the villain! Dammit! I want to be the hero!

And then Grant Morrison calls comic books the Oblivion Machine and that they're wasting my precious life! What a jerk! How dare he...oh wait! I bet he was just talking about Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti comic books. Yeah, I agree! Total waste of my time. I couldn't describe their comic books better than "Oblivion Machine!" And I think, ultimately, the way to defeat The Gentry is to stop reading bullshit comic books and only pick up comic books written by Grant Morrison! And I'm now infected with a HIT so I'm off to get a shot of penicillin now.

Seriously though, does this mean that the Ultra Comics comic book is cursed because it lures The Gentry to any world where the comic is read but then the comic is actually a trap to catch The Gentry that is lured to the world? And then The Gentry become a comic book character for an Earth-Prime comic book where all of the readers are fucking asshole trolls who then punish The Gentry with their ridiculous criticism?

Justice League #35

Do any criminals in the DC Universe still rob banks?

I'd like to begin by thanking DC Comics for publishing two issues of Justice League and two issues of Wonder Woman this month because it was really fucking bothering me that they were on issue #34 while everybody else was on #35. Except for all those later generation comic books. Those things are all over the place.

Last issue, Grodd lactated all over Metropolis while battling Superman and Lex Luthor. It looks like Grodd's titty milk is a Level 5 Biohazard (that's if Level 5 is the highest in the imaginary biohazard ranking I just made up).

Somebody needs to judge those who do or else those who do will continue to think that those who don't find comic books written by Scott Lobdell acceptable.

It's rather annoying how often thin-skinned creators lash out at people who criticize their work, especially with this idea that people criticizing their shit are lazy, unimaginative, bitter assholes that can't create art themselves. Okay, so I accept I'm bitter. But I think creators need to realize that people do things that they enjoy. And some people deconstruct comic books in a hyperbolic manner instead of writing comic books because they enjoy critiquing things more than they enjoy creating the types of things they enjoy critiquing. Understand, J.T. Krul? I mean, Scott Lobdell? I mean, Geoff Johns? Yes, you happen to get paid for writing comic books and television shows and believing in Aquaman. But that only works if you're good at what you do (or if you can cultivate a fandom so that they'll buy anything that involves a character they love no matter how long it is written by Scott Lobdell). And even artsy fartsy creators need to be know when they're just jerking off the donkey and calling it a finished script. I will agree that it depends on the level of criticism and the effort put into it as to whether it's worthy of value on its own merit. Somebody posting online with "Geoff Johns sucks!" probably isn't adding anything of value to the comic book community. But if they say "Geoff Johns sucks because he wrote Lex Luthor acknowledging that it's hard for normal human beings to find a way to save the world because they're not heroes. And since he was in the same boat and felt the same way, he found a way to help! He joined the Justice League and became a hero! Wait, how does that help again? Thanks for the advice, asshole!"

Oh wait! He goes on!

That's communist talk!

Just like me, always jumping to conclusions and inserting my own digital narcissistic individuality into the conversation! How silly of me to think I'm a unique snowflake with a perspective that might have something to add!

Okay fine. I admit it! I don't have anything positive to add to our cultural conversation about making the world a better, kinder, gentler, nicer place! I guess I'll just shut up and go back to reading my comic books which aren't all about violence and women in skimpy outfits and narcissistic individualistic writers that can't stand it when somebody points out they're not very good at their job.

Anyway, Lex is saying all of this at a public press conference, so you know it's all lies. So, um, good job, Geoff Johns! This is exactly the type of bullshit Lex wants people to think he believes. It's also the kind of bullshit Bruce Wayne wants people to think he believes as well so that they never question why he's making so much money every time Batman cleans up part of Gotham and the area becomes gentrified. How have no investors not noticed that dangerous areas of Gotham where Bruce Wayne has purchased lots and lots of cheap real estate soon become targeted by Batman for cleanup? Are they not paying attention? If anybody could figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman, it should be the real estate flip floppers!

Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor have now become partners. And by "partners," I mean two billionaires trying to steal as many ideas from the other billionaire so that they can crush them under their gold plated boot.

It's always a good idea to discuss secret identities and Justice League business out of costume in a huge crowd of people. It's probably not as good an idea for Clark Kent to be seen with Wonder Woman, even if she is in her sunglasses disguise.

Luthor begins to win over the crowd so Bruce Wayne bawls like a baby recounting a story about his parents because God forbid Lex Luthor steal any attention away from Bruce Wayne.

The entire Justice League are hanging out in civilian clothes ready for Bruce's word that he's found some of Lex's dirty diapers. Is that what you call criminal business activity?

For some reason, Aquaman is stationed on the roof. Probably because he brought the trident on a covert stakeout. Or because Cyborg just really wanted to say that Arthur will "dive in" if he's needed.

He won't be needed.

Lex gives Bruce the tour as Bruce desperately finds some evidence to punch Lex in the face.

"Look at all the shit I can use to kill Superman! I mean, um, Zod!"

Lex has a point. Superman keeps an awful lot of dangerous bullshit in his Antarctic Arctic Fortress just because he can. Hell, he doesn't even keep it locked up and safe anymore! Now he's off giving fossil fuel dependent monster plants to his girlfriend! Superman isn't a menace because he may one day turn on the human race. Superman is a menace because he's a careless, irresponsible asshole.

The tour is interrupted by a person named Neutron breaking into LexCorps and trying to kill Lex Luthor. Or he was just a distraction paid by Lex to interrupt the tour before Batman found that super duper illegal something that Lex is obviously hiding from everybody.

There it is! Right there, Batman! Arrest him! Arrest him now!

Justice League #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is far more interesting with Lex Luthor as a member of the team.

Batman and Frankenstein #31

How come you assholes didn't support Frankenstein's book? Well, now that he's in a Batman book, you're probably buying it. Jerks.

Batman might not actually be searching for Robin's body right now. He's adventured with a water breathing fish king from Atlantis, an Amazonian of legend and daughter of the God Zeus, and now a fictional reanimated corpse. I think he's strapped to a bed and thrashing about raving like some of Gotham's most famous residents, being pumped full of anti-psychotics which obviously aren't working at all because his bloodstream is full of anti-Scarecrow drugs. So he's gone around the bend and imagining he's having adventures with a bunch of seriously unbelievable characters.

Batman sure is careless in his hallucinations. Unless maybe the dog is driving.

I wonder why Titus didn't make an appearance in Batman Loves Wonder Woman #30. Are dogs not allowed on Paradise Island? Maybe that's how the island got it's name! Because there are no fucking dogs on it!

That last pair of sentences make a subtle anti-male comment! I thought I'd mention it because I don't want to be one of those pretentious writers who couch all of their most important messages in subtext and allegory. All of my shit should read like Everyman. If some character is going to represent Death or Charity or Hatred of Men, that character will be named Death or Charity or Hatred of Men!

Batman and Titus almost run over two Chinese fishermen because they're traveling to Nanda Parbat. Little does Batman know, Nanda Parbat has Nanda Pargone. If you're a first time reader, that's about as clever as I get! If that wasn't good enough for you, you should probably go watch Two and a Half Men. Also, fuck you.

Oh! I probably should have made a Nanda Parbatman joke of some sort! Shoot! Missed opportunity!

It's like I have no idea what "editing" is!

Batman isn't as good at all the stuff I'm used to him being good at because a five hundred pound, eight foot tall living corpse sneaks up on him in the snow.

Down, Titus! Down! You're going to get sick if you eat that!

Frankenstein bullies an apology out of Batman but even when Batman is faced with dismemberment at the hands of a fictional character, he still takes a full panel beat before apologizing. What a cocky bastard! He was probably thinking through his options during the silent panel and finally figured that apologizing would be the best way for Frankenstein to live through this encounter.

As Batman and Frankenstein catch each other up on what they've been doing, all I can think about is who will be next month's guest star! It's such an exciting feeling, this not knowing! I bet it will be Batman and Ra's al Ghul. They'll probably have a rational discussion over what to do with Damian's body as Batman tries to escape from whatever death trap Ra's has death trapped him in.

Because Batman insists that he only wants Damian back so that he can rebury him, Frankenstein decides to help Batman find al Ghul.

Speaking of al Ghul, I need to pick up The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night again and continue reading it. Why can't I finish anything longer than a twenty page comic book anymore? I think it's because I know my time is limited! Stupid mortality!

Batman agrees with me!

Frankenstein is interrupted because he and Batman are attacked by an Impossibility of Yetis. They're probably hungry because they haven't been fed since Nanda Parbat disappeared. They're also angry because they've just gotten their asses kicked by Ra's al Ghul and his Man-bats. Batman, being the smartest detective this side of Smallville, realizes the Yeti are just protecting themselves and that they could really use a Snickers bar. So he surrenders to them and makes friends. Now he has an army of Yetis to battle Ra's's army of Man-bats!

Batman doesn't realize that "grahh" is the most insulting word in the Yeti's language for "human."

Batman, Frankenstein, and the Yetis travel down into the mountain where another of Ra's al Ghul's secret Lazarus Pits is located. But when they open the door to stop al Ghul, Batman says, "No...I'm too late." And then the comic book ends. So maybe next issue will actually be Batman and Robin again!

Batman and Frankenstein #31 Rating: No change. Frankenstein didn't really get to do much this month. But at least he and Batman did clear up that business with Batman chopping Frank into pieces. It's good to see these kids getting along once more. The book also could have used more Titus.

Justice League #29

Good thing both The Metal Men and the Justice League only have one female each on their team!

Someone posted some excerpts from Mii Conversations on Tumblr that showed guys complaining about Super Smash Brothers suddenly having too many female characters in it. Somebody posted that these guys were complaining after only five females were revealed for the next game while fifteen males had been revealed for the roster. Then somebody came along and posted that those numbers were interesting because studies show that when a group reaches 33% women, that's when men begin to think the women are the majority. I hate to have to point out that these men in their Mii Conversations were already flipping out when the percentage of women characters was at 25%. Word problems. They ams the hard.

I just posted that previous anecdote to show how much better I am than one random person on the internet. Fuck you, random person! You made a mistake! Ha ha!

If you ever really want to feel superior to the rest of the idiotic people living on this planet, you should follow Literally Unbelievable. This is why trolling on the internet has become such a fun pastime for assholes. People love to point out how much smarter they are than other people (take my previous two paragraphs as my experimental proof of this theory!), so if you post ridiculous satire and parody like The Onion does, you're going to get a literal shit ton of people exposing their stupidity by trying to expose the article writer's stupidity. Or something. Did that sound stupid? Fuck. I should erase it from the internet! The last thing I need on the internet is more proof that momma raised a moron.

The issue begins with Doc Magnus shitting all over two fine American cities!

Picher might be toxic, Doctor Magnus, but have you been to the Dairy Queen out by Route 29? Delicious!

The Metal Men are given their bodies back and immediately begin writing notes to slip to Cyborg asking him to save them from the abuse they've suffered at the hands (and sphincter) of Doc Magnus while they were just helpless little Ben Wa Balls. Except for Platinum and Tin who are too busy wondering if Cyborg's penis looks as fantastic as the rest of him.

Doc Magnus breathing a sigh of relief as he realizes The Metal Men don't remember anything that happened since they lost their bodies.

Seriously. Doc Magnus was seriously fucking worried they'd remember Happy Stuffed Up Colon Time.

I don't know what mistake Platinum is referring to! Did she already fuck Superman when she attended the Justice League tryouts?

I think a few more "mistakes" are about to be made.

Have The Metal Men always been sex crazed robotic fucking machines?

This issue is really proving my theory that Doc Magnus deactivated his Metal Men not because they wanted to exterminate mankind but because they wanted to fuck them all.

After all the flirting winds down, The Metal Men agree to help Cyborg defeat Grid. It's possible they think Cyborg is inviting them to fuck Grid. But either way, they'll probably accomplish the same goal and put Grid out of commission.

Cyborg hacks into Grid's system to wave his ass at him. Grid cannot resist that ass and leaves his place at the Crime Syndicate Command Center to fuck Cyborg's shit up.

The Metal Men need some work on their one liners as they enter the battle against Grid. They also need to modernize their pop culture references.

Is Geoff Johns eighty years old?!

Grid pulls Mercury's Responsometer out of him, sniffs it, and says, "Where the fuck has this thing been?" He also gets a bit jealous when he realizes these inferior, piece of crap robots have somehow accomplished the ability to feel, the one thing that alludes him. He'd pout if he could but he can't which causes him to wish he could pout even more. Instead, he summons The Fearsome Five, Doctor Psycho, and Hector Hammond to fight by his side. That's actually a pretty shitty group of villains to face off against The Metal Men.

Grid shoves his hose into Cyborg and they become linked in a digital universe where Victor has to learn to accept his robanity in order to truly defeat Grid.

Bwa ha ha ha ha! Holy shit. "I feel afraid." Seriously, Johns? Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I'm crying. I knew the Metal Men were going to be funny but who knew Grid would have the funniest line in the issue!

Grid is knocked offline and trapped in Cyborg's old body. Then Steve Trevor traipses up with Killer Frost and says, "Hey guys! I have a rope!" And then Volt appears and blasts the fuck out of Steve Trevor. That leaves Cyborg to head over to Forever Evil #7 alone to help save the Justice League while The Metal Men battle a new group of villains that I really can't be bothered to try and recognize.

I don't even know why they had to appear at the end. Just so Forever Evil #7 isn't overloaded with Metal Men and Steve Trevors and Killer Frosts?

Justice League #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Metal Men make more interesting leads than the actual Justice League. Can we just switch the name of this comic to Metal Men and kick out the fucking big named assholes?

Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.

Justice League #25

It's hard to write a decent synopsis of the story so far when the story has been split up in a bunch of other comic books. So I guess I'll trust that the cover is portraying the main event in this book and just update what was happening in Dick Grayson's life: he had the ever loving fuck beaten out of him and he was being held prisoner by The Crime Syndicate. The only reason he was alive was because Owlman was acting sentimental. Everybody in the world also found out that Bruce Wayne's first ward, Dick Grayson, was Nightwing's secret identity. But nobody has moved on from "I wonder if Bruce Wayne knew about this?" to "Holy fuck! Alfred Pennyworth must be The Goddamned Batman!"

Last issue began showing the origin of the little shit Ultraman and how his dickbag parents sent him to Earth 3 to become the all-powerful ruler of everything. It was romantic and sad as Jor-il looked over at Lara as they realized they would never see their son again and yelled, "Shut up, Lara!" Now we get to see how little Owlman's life began.

Hmm. Nothing out of the ordinary.

That little shit Bruce pusses out of the plan to kill their parents and wrestles the gun away from his brother Thomas. While they're wrestling, good old Alfred Pennyworth walks up, picks up the gun, and shoots Martha and Thomas Wayne. Then he chastises Bruce and puts a bullet in him too. He may have gone a bit further than New Earth Alfred but he seems to maintain the same sense of loyalty and willingness to get the job done. But since this is backwards world, he probably makes a shit cup of tea.

Alfred, always knowing exactly what his Master wants, made sure not to kill Bruce outright. Now, Thomas puts a bullet in his head as he hears an owl in the distance saying, "What the fuck? Seriously?!"

Back on New Earth, is that fucking Plastic Man?!

That was a rhetorical question because how many people can there possibly be named "Eel?"

Eel is hanging out with all of the Chicago mob families as they discuss how they're going to get in on The Crime Syndicate action. Being normal, everyday, regular criminals, they realize they don't really have much to offer which means they have to get creative. Ha! I bet the last time a mafia guy was creative was when he let his wife fuck on top. I hope no mafia guys are reading this and thinking I just called them all unimaginative because of the way they consistently use violence and force to get what they want! What I meant was they're more cerebral and intellectual than they are whimsical and creative! Don't shoot me in the head and drown me in concrete shoes just because you misinterpreted my words, you stupid lunkheads! I mean, um, all of these comments are only meant to describe the criminal masterminds of New Earth! All you mafia guys on Earth Prime, you're all right! Keep up the good work! Don't mind me!

What am I worried about? Like mob guys can read or use computers! Pshaw!

Owlman, Narration Boxing from who the fuck knows where (a tree limb hanging over the proceedings? But upright on the limb! Not upside down like a stupid bat!) mentions how he likes to use the infrastructure already in place in a city. So you'd think he'd like to work with these Mob guys and continue to let them run things! But I sense a but coming up! And probably some explosions!

No wonder I sensed a "but" coming up! Because I'd already read it on the previous page where he says, "But sometimes that doesn't work!" The explosions I did guess though!

Oh! Oh! And look at those oil drums in the warehouse! I bet they house the chemicals that Eel will become doused in to become Plastic Man! This story isn't about Owlman at all! It's about that big fucking goofball, Plas!

Okay, okay. I guess it can be about both of them in equal measures. Speaking of equal measures, maybe I think I'm going to pick a random recipe tomorrow and do some cooking! Look out, stomach! And colon! And toilet!

See! Do I get some experience points for recognizing Eel O'Brian's nearly identical origin from the pre-Crisis universe?! Sure I do! But not enough to gain another rank. I'm still a Brother Comic Book Reader, brother!

Owlman kills all the leaders and then chooses the one that doesn't insult the fuck out of him. After that, he's off to speak with Nightwing about a job offer. One that Nightwing can't accept!

Hunh. I guess he needs the money more than I realized. This is why you should avoid debt at all cost! Because when you're desperate, you wind up working for a prick like Owlman! Or me! I should get some interns!

Maybe before Batman died, he told Dick Grayson, "Keep your enemies close and your friends closer. Because who wants to fucking hang out with their enemies all of the time? But if your enemies want to like, go get pizza or something and they're willing to pick up the tab, why would you refuse? Hang out! Enjoy it! You know how many times I've gone to the local porn theater with The Joker? Ha! Good times. Although better times when I go with Alfred! So remember, friends closer, enemies close, your left hand closest."

So Richard joins up with Thomas in the hopes that he can defeat Ultraman. Since that guy seems to be the biggest threat (simply because nobody wants to think about how threatening Deathstorm and Johny Quick might be), it seems like a good plan. Plus he can learn all of Owlman's weaknesses by bonding with him, like how Owlman loves Superwoman, and how Owlman has helped make a baby inside of her. I bet Ultraman would be plenty angry to find out about that! Which is, you know, why Owlman needs to build this plan to defeat Ultraman. Before Ultraman notices the fetus isn't half-Asshole Kryptonian and he decides to crush Owlman's head. And Superwoman's too, for good measure.

Justice League #25 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wonder if Plastic Man is going to become all dark and gritty for The New 52! Maybe he'll have a really black sense of humor and he'll turn himself into torture devices invented by The Inquisition and shove himself up bad guy anuses so he can expand ever so slowly until all of their insides fall out through their ass. That's the kind of Plastic Man I want to see! Who needs that goofy guy always cracking jokes and turning into gigantic paper airplanes?! Comic books don't have a place for that kind of silliness anymore, Plas!