Monday, May 30, 2016

Starfire #12

Remember when all of these things happened?!

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue begins with Starfire's Vagina being more self-aware than she ever was when she was a member of the Titans.

• If writers could be bothered to think up better motivations for bad guys than "Let's kill the heroes who are an impediment to doing the crimes we never do because we're always just trying to kill the heroes!", maybe Starfire's Vagina wouldn't have this issue.

• I spent all day yesterday watching 1970s Celebrity Bowling on Decades TV. I'm willing to admit that if they were still running it today, I wouldn't be reading this comic book right now. I recorded several episodes featuring Charles Nelson Reilly which aired while I was at work and I am never deleting them from the DVR.

• Starfire's Vagina uses the phrase "I am truly blessed" and now I have to clean vomit off the cat. Sorry, Pelafina.

• The story is almost about Starfire's Vagina taking a shower but it's unpleasantly hijacked by a PSA on Multiple Sclerosis. The more you know, the more I don't give a fuck!

• I want to say I remember a time when people actually did real things instead of just feeling raising awareness and inspiring people were enough but I don't remember those times at all. I think those were in the 50s or something.

• After the PSA, there just isn't any room to include Starfire's Vagina's shower. Well poop. Way to go, Multiple Sclerosis! You've finally found a way to affect my life too! Now I see why everybody wants to cure it!

• Starfire's Vagina kidnaps a dolphin from the aquarium. I mean, she liberates a dolphin from the aquarium. I forgot I'm an animal lover more than a capitalist for a second there! Fuck aquariums! Down with the man! Suck off a dolphin!

• Starfire's Vagina soon discovers she has no job, no boyfriend, no place to stay, and the sheriff thinks she's a danger to the community. Since everybody suddenly has an aversion to Starfire's Vagina, she decides it's time to leave Key West. But first she throws a beach picnic for all of her new friends whom she will probably never see again once she joins the Teen Titans. Not because she'll be busy fighting crime but because she'll be busy fighting statutory rape charges due to banging Damian.

• Starfire's Vagina invites Atlee's Butthole to come with her but Atlee's Butthole's home is in Key West. Atlee's Butthole will probably be forgotten by everybody but me!


• Superman's Machismo stops by to tell Kori he'll help her get settled with a group of superheroes whenever she's ready to leave Key West. He knows this really sour guy with a dangerous kid who might have a position open in a new super group he's forming!

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Catwoman #52

Did Inaki Miranda forget that New 52 Catwoman's zipper was broken and could never zip all the way up?

The Review or Whatever!
Let's all give Frank Tieri a hand for taking on the responsibility of putting this cat down. It's been sick for a really long time. Maybe that's why Tieri's stories have been so bland and uninteresting. His style of storytelling is supposed to suggest the act of euthanasia! Damn, he's smarter than I gave him credit for! What a brilliant way to end Catwoman! Just bore everybody reading it until they gently fall asleep forever.

Catwoman's ex-boyfriend from her late teen years was introduced to the readership about one issue ago. He was apparently killed by Black Mask's father and the readers all went, "Oh. Okay. Whatever." Then it was revealed that the new leader of the False Face Society, White Mask, was actually Selina's old boyfriend, David! I'm assuming everybody exclaimed at the same time while rolling their eyes, "OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!" Look, writers. We've all had enough of the thing where you introduce a new character and then you introduce a new mysterious bad guy and then they wind up being the same person. We get it. You can't introduce fifty new people every issue so that the reader won't be able to guess who the bad guy is. It's not like a movie where you can have a whole bunch of faces in the background and have them all speak one or two lines to the main character so that when the bad guy's identity is revealed, you can use the flashback of that one moment the hero interacted with them and have the hero go, "Oh my god! It was that minor nobody all along! GASP!" I suppose audiences are such that they feel cheated if a story has a mystery element that they never had a chance to guess. Even in the first season of True Detective, they had to have the casual run-in with the killer before realizing he was the killer. I prefer that a movie either acknowledge from the beginning who the killer is (Silence of the Lambs) or just let the identity of the killer be revealed when it's revealed without every needing to have shown the person earlier (I can't think of a movie that does this. Probably a bunch of paranormal slasher films?). Rarely have I found myself saying, "I knew it was the guy in the background tightening the bolts on the air conditioning unit in that scene where they were arguing about opening chess moves!"

Frank Tieri has decided that Catwoman should be a totally unlikeable character that nobody fucking cares about because he begins the comic with her crashing through a window while White Mask fucks two women (with his tighty whiteys still on, of course) and says, "So sorry to break up this little party, folks. Oh wait. I'm totally not." Really, Tieri? A not joke? I get that everything you write you've cribbed from some decades old source to help give your readers that feeling like they're slowly falling asleep in a folding chair while watching another school play where the kids shit all over the source material. Disrespectful bastards. Although now I kind of want to do an elementary school stage production of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Um, anyway, should I be happy that Tieri at least updated the "NOT!" joke by making it sort of a #SorryNotSorry joke too? No, no. Of course I shouldn't.

I'm left thinking, "I can't believe they've been reunited after all these years! Or, you know, after he was introduced one or two issues ago!"

Several years ago (according to the prologue of this story, it was fifteen years ago. But that was obviously ridiculous, so now it's several years ago), Selina and David were forced at gunpoint to demand thirty thousand dollars in cash to steal the Faceless Mask for Dick Sionis. I mean, they were being held at gunpoint by Dick who wanted them to steal the mask or die and Selina demanded thirty thousand dollars and to not die. Dick, being an awful negotiator, accepted the deal. Although Selina, being an ever worse negotiator, didn't get any of the cash up front. I have a feeling she's not going to get paid and David is going to be killed.

I know he's not really going to be killed! I just scanned in a picture of him fifteen years older! I mean several years older!

Back in the present, a new artist must have taken over and nobody told them that David was in his underwear and Selina had the mask off and was holding the gun in her other hand and had a gigantic television screen in the background.

Black Mask and his men interrupt the reunion as do all of Selina's Narration Boxes. Her boxes provide the same information that is in the artwork so I can't imagine why anybody thought they were even needed. With an image of Black Mask standing behind Selina with a gun pointed at her head, why do I need Selina's Narration Box of "Black Mask is behind me with a gun pointed at my back"? I realize that the reader can see Black Mask holding a gun to Selina! I sort of get that you wanted everybody to know that Selina knew it was Black Mask before turning around. But you took care of that on the other page with the Narration Box: "I hear the voice and I don't even have to turn around." Then you show the panel with Black Mask standing behind Selina and everybody fucking gets it. We get it! We don't need the other fucking box!

I'm fucking sick of comic book writers who should probably be writing something else. Your words do not have to be plastered all over the comic book. Just write the story that the artist should draw and write the dialogue. Maybe write a few Narration Boxes if something needs clarifying, or you're doing something where the words are from present day Catwoman layered over scenes from the past, or at least for some reason other than you can't let a page go without your fucking precious voice being all over the finished product. The product, the story, is your voice! It's a collaboration between you and the artist! Stop making the art less important than your needless words. It's a fucking comic book! They've been around for like eighty years! Trust that there's a reason for their longevity! Take fucking advantage of the medium!

Back to the past, David and Selina steal the mask. They never get their money because David decides to threaten Dick Sionis for more and gets shot. I'm going to imagine Dick was never going to pay them anyway and this is how it would have gone down even if David had kept his dick in his pants. As David lays dying, Selina is forced to leave before the police show up. She storms off saying, "I love you, David." Oh. Well now I feel silly that I haven't given this story the weight I should have been giving it. I didn't realize Selina was in love with this guy! Now the emotional impact of it all is beginning to overwhelm me!

Back in the present, Black Mask realizes the end is nigh so he begins the comic book explication. David's death was faked because Dick Sionis needed somebody to run his criminal empire in Europe. And who better than a thief he doesn't know who tried stealing from him? Perfect! So he convinced David to ditch Selina and come work for him. Oh no! But Selina loved him! Such tragedy!

I wonder how many dozens of people in Dick Sionis's organization were miffed that he hired his new manager from outside the company? Not cool, man.

Black Mask allows Selina to leave David to die just like his father allowed her back in the past! And she does! Again! Ha ha! She leaves for the same reason as last time too! Because the David she knew and loved is dead. Then she steals the Faceless Mask on the way out because it was just lying around, I guess, and that's the end. Catwoman wins again! Black Mask loses like the loser he is! And I'm left hoping this really is the final issue of Catwoman. I can't imagine any of the New 52 books are going past Issue #52, right? I know what you're thinking right now, nerds! You're thinking, "Well, Detective Comics and Action Comics are!" Shut up.

Friday, May 27, 2016

Lois and Clark #8

Do I really need to read the rest of these Prebirth stories now that I've read Rebirth?

The Review or Whatever!
I'm paying the price for making a joke about listening to Hallelujah while reading Justice League #50 because the song has been stuck in my head all day. Of course, I don't really know the lyrics so I've been making up my own. Things like "The cat is hungry, here she comes! She wants to bite off both my thumbs! She's down beneath my feet just trying to trip me! Pelafina! Pelafina! Pelafina!" That's my cat's name and not a nonsense word I made up. She's named after the mother in House of Leaves. I guess I'll just have to live with this song being a part of my life until I die.

I hope we learn the name of Superman's cat in this issue. Every other panel, somebody is all, "Ranger this! Ranger that!" But is anybody interested in the cat? Fuck no. Assholes. Although I don't think it matters anymore because the pets were dropped to their deaths in The Final Days of Superman story.

Jon has recently discovered he has superpowers and his father is Superman. Now he's going to be impossible to be around, just like every other kid who thinks they're special. I always hated those kids because they wouldn't stop talking about how special they were to listen to me tell them how special I was. Jerks.

Preboot Superman has rushed off to battle Hyathis who is cuckoo for Oblivion Stones. Apparently Superman has half of one in his Prison of Semi-Solitude. The other half was eaten by Hank Henshaw. Although he must have passed it since then because it's in his pocket.

Superman fights off Hyanthis who decides this fight might go better in the Afterbirth Universe. Superman goes back home leaving Hank with one half of the Oblivion Stone so that he can eventually become a menace.

Back home, Clark and Lois finally have the talk with Jon. The same talk Ma and Pa Kent had with little Clark years ago. So you know I don't mean the sex talk, right? It's the one about coming from space. But before, Ma and Pa Kent had to say, "You came from outer space, son." Now Clark and Lois get to say, "We came from outer space, son." They might even add, "And it's all your fault!"

This scene feels like a big fuck you to the writers of Arrow!

You know how sometimes you can get annoyed when somebody likes the thing you like but they like it in a different way than the way you liked it? And you're all, "You're liking it wrong!" That's how I feel about the way everybody hates Arrow. They're all hating it for the wrong reasons! They should have hated it long before Laurel was killed or Felicity and Oliver broke up (they should have hated it for them being together, actually!)! That show is a mess! The writing is about on par with a third rate soap opera. Every conflict is simply, "You lied to me! I hate you!" Then later that person loses somebody in their life because they lied to them! And then somebody lied to that person so they go ahead and write that person off. It never ends! Nobody understands why somebody might keep something from them! Everybody expects that they're the one person that should always know the truth! It was so bad in the last three episodes (I don't remember exactly what happened in which episode because I watched them all about the same time) that Felicity's mom was upset that Laurel's dad (I'm horrible at remembering names!) was going to lie to the police review board about not knowing Laurel was Black Canary. Who the fuck cares?! Get over it, you asshole! Let him lie to get his job back because that shit doesn't matter! I get that it matters on some stupid "we're on a television show and we have to make a point about how disrespectful it is to deny Laurel's heroic life!" or some shit. But holy fuck, I would have ended the relationship right there because that lie doesn't fucking matter! Oh, and god forbid somebody doesn't get the point that the last episode is all about hope! Better put in a mention about hope every fourth sentence or the audience might not get that Arrow is inspiring the people of the city and giving them hope! Fuck, he even gets them to calm down and feel hope with a nuclear warhead twenty seconds from vaporizing them. Talk about a time to actually have no fucking hope! The people of Star City are fucking morons.

Spoiler alert: Jon isn't trying to shit his pants in the above panel. He's trying to fly. And he does! Yay! And the series is over! And they never fucking mentioned the cat! Dan Jurgens, I hate you. You better make this right! I mean, maybe you didn't even know the Whites had a cat! I mean, a cat never made an appearance in this comic book before (I don't think). The cat was only seen in Action Comics by Tomasi and Eaglesham. I think maybe Eaglesham made the cat up! I bet the cat wasn't even in Tomasi's script! If that's the case then I think Eaglesham is my kind of guy! Fuck Ranger! I hope he gets hit by a semi! Bring back the nameless cat, Jurgens! Or else!

I don't know what my "or else" may be but it probably has something to do with me seething quietly and never actually doing anything about it until I totally forget I was mad about something.

DC Universe Rebirth #1

First there was the Pre-Crisis Universe. Then the Post-Crisis Universe. Then the Zero Hour Touch-up Universe. Then there was the 2000s with about two dozen crises. That became the Preboot Universe. Then came the Reboot Universe. Then the DC Youniverse. Now after Rebirth, it will be the Afterbirth Universe.

The Review!
I can live with this change. I can't say for sure but it sounds like DC Comics is finally taking my advice that I've been giving for free for five years now and decided to go with a really loose continuity. Everything happened if a writer wants the thing from the past to have happened and wants to use it in their story. And since Wally keeps mentioning how he's forgetting things, he's helping frame the universe in a way that defies explanation. "Well how did that come about?" "I don't remember! Because if I remembered, it wouldn't make any fucking sense!" This is the kind of continuity I like. You know what? Forget even that word: continuity. It's history. It's the history of the DC Universe that makes the characters who they are and DC is once again acknowledging it. Let the Fangenders who need a consistent world that makes sense day by day struggle for a change. I just want to be able to read a comic book and think, "This is the world where Shade the Changing Man took place. At least until he got the Vertigo label, I guess! Same with Doom Patrol! I can now have the Cliff Steele who was friends with Crazy Jane and mentor to Dorothy Spinner. Although Booster Gold is still AWOL. Maybe he'll be the final fix to the universe. Actually, if Booster Gold were the Narrator in this comic book and it was Ted Kord who remembered him and brought him back, I might have actually cried. But as it was, I don't really have any emotional attachment to any Flash that ever existed. All in all, I like the direction the DC Universe is headed. I mean, since it's a universe, it's headed in all directions. Which isn't exactly true either because it's just expanding but not really moving! Or something.

The Commentary!
This comic book has a lot of pages for just $2.99! I don't mean that as praise that DC has held the line at $2.99 because they really haven't. They only do it when it suits them. Like with Rebirth! This is like handing out ecstasy at the local Junior High School. You know those kids won't be able to spend their lunch money fast enough for more of that shit. Of course, if the comic book is awful, DC could give this away with free hand-job or digital manipulation and nobody will be back for more. Hmm, even I wasn't convinced by that. If I got a free hand-job with this comic book, I'd ask my local comic book store to order more.

Okay, I'm going to take a serious guess as to whose hand is coming out of that bright light! I'm not going to make a bunch of jokes just to cover for my ignorance so that afterward I could be all, "Oh, ha ha! My guess was so obviously a joke because I totally knew who it was but who wants to read page after page of me bragging about my Grand Master Comic Book Reader status?! My guess is...

Jonni DC!

It would be just like Johns to turn Jonni DC into a dramatic character whose much more important than anybody first suspected! If I'm wrong, I'll never do what I would have said I was going to do here anyway so I'm just going to forget I said it.

The issue begins with somebody talking about a watch they received from their uncle which had been in the family for generations. Is Geoff Johns trying to make us think of things shoved up people's asses on purpose? That would make a good category on Jeopardy. I bet I'd do really well with that category.

The Narration Boxes are yellow and red so I'm going to guess they're Wally West's thoughts. Plus the Narrator mentions meeting a hero and becoming a legacy. Also because fans of Wally West have never been able to shut up about his disappearance from the DC Universe. Are there worse fans out there than Wally West fans? Of course! Look at the barely human monsters who like Deathstroke! Wally West fans are just over-enthusiastic! And whiny!

Nonexistent Wally West has decided that maybe Batman can help the DC Youniverse remember him because Batman can do anything. But Batman is currently obsessing over The Joker. Better yet, he's obsessing over three Jokers! This must be Batman's best day ever! Finding out there were three Jokers! My theory is that Rebirth is going to allow all events in DC's history to be part of continuity. Nothing has been labeled an Impossible Tale. Nothing has been Retconned. Nothing has been forgotten and thrown into the bin. It can all be referenced because it all happened. How it all happened doesn't fucking matter, you nerds! Just let it be! Let it all lie in a big disgusting mess on the floor like some forgotten, vile, stinking Afterbirth. Oh yeah! I mentioned my theory to continue with the three Jokers thing! I bet it's Geoff Johns way of explaining the various Joker-type stories. You have Joker stories where he's just a goofy flirt. And you have Joker stories where he's a dangerous, murdering, maniacal madman. And you have Joker stories where he puts things up Commissioner Gordon's butt while taking pictures. Hmm, maybe that falls into one of the first two categories. Anyway, I think you can probably think up a third type of Joker story better than I can because I'm barely paying attention to anything. I mean, I just farted a really long fart and am still giggling about it.

Great. The tomato goblin is back.

So is this how things stand, DC Comics? If I whine long and hard enough, you'll bring back my favorite character, the original Sgt. Rock? I don't mean an old guy who lived through World War II! I mean the same guy who was in the World War II comic books but is now alive in the modern era after having lived through World War II and all the intervening years without aging somehow. You figure it out! You're the comic book writers! I guess I just have to complain loudly enough until I get my way! Let me practice with some of the things the Wally West fans probably said to get this moment again.

"I will never accept that black kid as Wally West!"
"I can't believe you Blackwashed Wally West!"
"Wally West was my favorite when he wasn't a black and a criminal and not a white!"
"I hate when things change and they're not the way I wanted them to change! Plus some derogatory stuff about black Wally West! Like referring to him as Kanye!"

Okay! I think I got the hang of it!

I know people weren't simply upset that DC brought back Wally West as a totally different colored person (who was black). They were upset long before DC tried to bring Wally back as a totally different person. I guess I just don't understand the kind of love and loyalty a person can generate for a fictional character. Especially one with red hair.

Look, Afterbirth is messy! I'm going to ruffle some feathers here with some real honest facts like how redheaded people aren't actually people but some kind of meat-vegetable hybrid.

As an aside, people should remember a few words as they read my comic book "reviews". Those words are "hyperbole," "facetiousness", and "genius".

Wally is currently in a place where he remembers Flashpoint and probably all of the other stories he's ever been a part of. He's in the DC Afterbirth! Some people call it the Speed Force but I call it the Afterbirth. Mmm-hmm.

Two identical workplace accidents?! I bet OSHA was all over that.

Wally goes on to explain, in story terms, how The New 52 (and stories preceding it and Flashpoint) were huge mistakes that needed to be set right. But they needed to be set right in story terms! So instead of a bunch of editors taking the DC Universe and fucking it in every orifice they could until the Universe oozed from every pore, the DC Universe would have to be set right by the heroes from within! They would have to pretend the bad guys weren't the editors at all and were actually fictional supervillains or space aliens or time monsters who had to be stopped at all costs! It might not return the universe to something that fangenders can make sense of but it will hopefully return all of DC's history that was once lost. It has to be that way because look at what Giffen is doing in the Sugar and Spike comic book in Legends of Tomorrow! He's got DC's whole history as his playground and he's making full use of it! I mean, in Issue #3 he brought one of DC's Impossible Tales into actual continuity! If Rebirth is doing that, I'm all for Rebirth! Even if it means this idiot Wally West is back!

Just kidding, Wally West fans! Sheesh, you're so easy to piss off! It's like taking candy from a baby and then punching that baby to death so it shuts up about the loss of candy.

Chapter One ends and I realize I'm going to be writing a novella about this thing. I hope you're comfortable and have plenty of Oreos to eat while you read this. Speaking of Oreos, I'm going to go get a Ho-Ho now.

Next, Wally visits an old man in a facility for the elderly. If he's tied to the Speed Force, might it be some version of Jay Garrick who's still tied to the Afterbirth so he realizes something isn't quite right with the world?

Oh! It's almost Jonni DC, right?!

Johnny Thunder can't help because he's old and has lost the genie. So Wally continues his search. While traveling to his next destination, he feels somebody else lost outside of time whom he can't reach. Probably Booster Gold. He's been missing for quite awhile and he's supposedly important to straightening out all of these time shenanigans.

Some blonde member of the Legion of Super-heroes has also arrived in the present DC Youniverse to speak with Superman. The Legion of Super-heroes has about five million members and a good portion of them are blonde, so I don't know who it might be. Saturn Girl? One of the other ones I don't know the name of? Infectious Lass? Is she one of them?

Next there's a scene with Ryan Choi so I know Gail Simone just got some bonerses.

Ray Palmer has discovered a new universe that he's dubbed the Microverse! I'm snickering because I can now see "bonerses" and "Microverse" next to each other. Apparently the Microverse has something to do with how time has been fiddled with and The Atom has gotten lost investigating it. He needs Ryan Choi to once again become The Atom and to try not to die this time. Did he die the first time? I don't remember because time may have been changed and I can't trust my memories! Also I've never read a single comic book that had "The Atom" boldly printed across the cover.

The next legacy character to be visited is Jaime Reyes and his mentor, not dead Ted Kord. It's about time New 52 Ted Kord made an appearance as Blue Beetle and not just as some guy considering going into business with Lex Luthor!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been able to do this again! Although I think I only used to do it when Jaime was in costume.

Jaime flies off to school while Ted is visited by Doctor Fate. Not that namby-pamby Doctor Fate who won't take his job seriously! This is the Doctor Fate that everybody wants to fuck. His voice is! He explains that the Blue Beetle scarab is magic and not created by a race of aliens like everybody and their animated universes would have you believe! It's more of a Dan Garrett Scarab!

Elsewhere in the soon-to-be soup of Afterbirth, Damian turns thirteen which makes him eligible for the Teen Titans, Jessica Cruz has decided that what would make her costume really stand out is a Green Lantern Insignia monocle, and Aqualad is into boys. Thankfully! I always thought he was a fish-fucker.

Chapter Two ends with Pandora exploding into dust and smoke, much like what happened to Metron and Owlman on the moon. Good riddance! She never played the part she was supposed to have played anyway! I don't think. It's hard to say. All that Trinity War stuff was legerdemain. DC was all, "Look! Look! The Trinity of Sin! This is about them! Or is it about Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman! Oh, oh! We fooled you all! It was really about Earth-3! Which isn't actually a trinity unless you include it as one part of three Earths. Which you shouldn't because Earth-2 never came into play in that story! By the way, fuck you, you stupid fans! Ha ha!"

They lost a chance at a one night stand is what they lost. And besides, what are Green Arrow and Black Canary doing at the site of Superman's death? Especially Black Canary! Shouldn't she be rocking somebody's face off right now?

Clark White and his family are hiding out in a hotel room trying to figure out where they go from here. Clark runs into the enigmatic Mister Oz last seen in Geoff Johns' run of Superman. I think. He's all, "I sent a blank Superman notebook to Superman! So funny! Maybe! I'm mysterious! Maybe it was foreboding! Things aren't what they appear! Or are they?! Oooooh! I can't say too much! Gotta go!"

On a deserted island somewhere, Aquaman asks Mera to marry him. Is this Didio and Johns' way of saying they were wrong and they realized all the things that they stole from their universe with The New 52? Because I can think of better ways to go about it than by making Mera miserable! Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as Aquaman's wife?! How humiliating.

Finally at the end of Chapter Three, Wally finds Linda Park and asks her to help him. But she doesn't remember him and he fucks off back to Afterbirth. Ha ha! I can't believe some Tumblrer thought this would make me cry! I don't give a shit about Wally West and Linda Park and their "true love!" Those quotes indicate you should read "true love" in a mocking, sing-song way. This story had better come with something a lot sadder than Park not remembering West!

Chapter Four explains who the new Wally West is. He was never meant to be a replacement for old Wally West. And by that I mean, he obviously was but now Geoff Johns has thought of a way to make him Wally's cousin Wally. Although he says that New 52 Wally West is Daniel West's son which isn't true at all. Or at least it wasn't true. I guess it's true now. But since this is Afterbirth, we have to hold both possibilities as true! Because every story DC has ever told has now happened! Even if some of them had glaring errors in them. Like this one I'm reading right now that says New 52 Wallace West is Daniel West's son.

After Linda forgets him and he sees Kid Flash is in good feet, he finally decides to confront the guy who caused all of this to happen (or, at least, gave the mysterious villain the opportunity to cause it). He really should have gone to see Barry Allen first. I know Batman is the go-to guy to solve every problem but when time is fucked up? That's all Flash.

Still not sad. If Wally really does die before this is over, still won't be sad. Might even have a little dance.

The Flash manages to recognize Wally and pull him back into the world. Or it was a mistake and he thought it was New 52 Wally he was rescuing. Either way, it worked! Preboot Wally West is back in the world! Now he can tell everybody about the danger and they can stop it by the end of this issue and the DC Youniverse can turn into the DC Afterbirth! Or it could go another way. It could go the Geoff Johns' way where nothing is really explained but he keeps on baiting hook after hook after hook for ten years telling his story without ever satisfying anybody because he keeps changing direction every year or so. You know, it'll probably go that way.

The Flash suddenly remembers everything thanks to remembering Kid Flash. He now knows lots of things that don't add up or make any sense if thought about for too long. So don't think about them! Just remember that all of your favorite Flash stories happened at some point. Every single one of them. Even the bad ones happened! But you don't have to acknowledge those if you don't want to. Because it's all right there. DC acknowledges that they all exist. All of it. No matter how hard it is to explain things now.

The way Wally West tells the story about the people who want to destroy the universe just make it sound like he's talking about DC's editors and readership. I suppose he could be but that would actually suck because I don't want that kind of meta-bullshit invading my mainstream superhero comic books! Although I suppose the bad guys might just be aliens called "Eddortors" or something.

The last page of the main story has Batman finding the Comedian's button with the blood on it in the wall of the Batcave. Well, that explains why Johns made the first page so reminiscent of the Watchmen.

The Epilogue takes place on Mars where Ozymandias and Doctor Manhattan are having a conversation as Doctor Manhattan fixes Wally's lost watch. It sounds like Adrian, once again, manipulated events to save everybody from themselves. Instead of a giant exploding space octopus in Times Square, he used Flashpoint to change shit so that DC Comics wouldn't go bankrupt. Or something. I don't know. He's way smarter than I am! I'm sure he had a reason!

Justice League #50

John Romita Jr. is the worst. I submit this cover as proof.

The Review or Whatever!
The Darkseid War is finally ending! Now the only thing to do is decide which shitty version of that shitty song "Hallelujah" to play during the final pages! I'm going to cue one up on YouTube to start playing as I get to the denouement! I'm choosing Kelly Clarkson's version!

Since Wonder Woman is giving her version of events since the beginning of The Darkseid War, how about I give you my version?! The Darkseid War begins with Darkseid dying. But that didn't end the war! That only started it! See, you were probably thinking, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war against Darkseid!" But you're stupid because what you should have been thinking is, "The Darkseid War? That must be a war caused by the death of Darkseid!" So after that happened, Geoff Johns threw together a bunch of plot points he came up with while high on cough syrup, like making The Flash into Death and making Lex Luthor into New Darkseid and making Batman into the Laziest Fucker in the Universe. After all of those plots coalesced into whatever the next phase of The Darkseid War was, it was time for the Justice League to stop the guy who killed Darkseid, the Anti-Monitor! To do that, they needed to recruit Superbaby! But he hadn't been born yet so they brought Superwoman to give birth in the middle of the battlefield. But she was too slow giving birth because she refused to take off her pants and so Super Horny Steve Trevor arrived and killed the Anti-Monitor instead. Which was totally unexpected because why should plot threads actually mean anything when you can just write whatever you want into the story? Only losers retain cause and effect in their fiction!

So now the Justice League find themselves battling Grail and Steve Trevor instead of Darkseid and the Anti-Monitor. I totally guessed this was how it was going to end! I mean, of course I didn't, but I wanted to sound cool and smart for once in my life.

Come on, Diana. You know what he's asking for. What always put Steve instantly to sleep in the past? That's right! Wonder Hand Job!

Oh! I just thought of more proof for why John Romita Jr. is the worst! Here's a quote by him from his All-Star Batman interview: "Gotham is always a moody place. I love the reality and the grit of the place. It's like New York, but not New York, you know?" Fucking insightful, dude! I mean, I just never thought of it that way! He's like totally right and shit!

Now it's time to play a little game I like to call "Why DC Comics Probably Totally Needed To Rebirth Itself!" The Green Lantern Corps appear to help defeat Grail which causes a little bit of confusion over the entire continuity of the DC Youniverse. And Hal is apparently still a member with a normal ring and everything! So is this all before Superman lost his powers and the Green Lanterns disappeared? I suppose if you were a bigger nerd than I am, you could figure out when they got back from the other universe while Superman was still alive and had powers. But I don't really care. The people who do care eventually just kill themselves. Like the person who was running Canonology, a site that tried to piece together every story and put it along a single timeline. I don't know for certain that they killed themselves but I know I would have. The page hasn't been updated since March 2014. I suspect the Canonology's neighbors found the body by now.

Superwoman reveals that the father of her child is Alexander Luthor from Earth-3. I guess that makes the baby Reverse Shazam or something. Although when Superwoman says "Mazahs!" and the lightning hits the baby, the baby doesn't turn into a grown man wailing and pawing at her tits for some reason. How come Billy Batson gets a man's body when he transforms but Superbaby is stuck in his stupid baby shell? Even if he's got all the power in the universe, I don't think he's going to be very effective. All it takes is for one super powered person to curb stomp him and he's done.

Grail just became the most likeable character in this book in my eyes! The number of times I wish I could have done this in public spaces!

Next, The Flash and Black Racer are separated so that Geoff Johns can remind everybody that he thought up this idea of Flash literally outracing death. See how I used literally there, kids? That's the proper way to use it. Nobody ever needs to say, "I literally just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." Of course, if saying "I just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich" is actually something sexual on Urban Dictionary then I take it back. Then you really do need to add literally to that.

Shazam loses his "Power of All Gods" too which leaves him with just the "Power of Some Gods". How is everybody losing their powers? Grail is using the Baby as a laser weapon. Every time she points it at somebody and blasts them with it, they return to normal. So I guess that's how Batman is finally going to be convinced to get out of his Goddamned chair. Who knew all you had to do was point a baby at him?

I don't know. I just...I don't fucking know what Geoff Johns thinks binary is and how it can change by adding the number "fear" to it.

Jessica gets control of her body for one second and saves The Flash's life by intervening and getting groped by death herself. She dies. Or, more probably, Volthoom dies. Now she just needs to get back in control of her body so she can star in Green Lanterns Rebirth #1.

The Justice League regroups and attacks Grail all at once. Batman is still sitting in that motherfucking chair.

Grail's Baby Laser absorbs the Anti-Life Equation from Steve Trevor after Batman points out he wasn't the first man to step foot on Paradise Island. And when the baby absorbs the Anti-Life Equation, it turns into Darkseid. I wonder if it's Darkseid but with the mind of a baby? I hope so because that means there's a better than average percent chance that Darkseid shits himself.

What is it with comic book artists so often relying on hiding feet behind rubble or some shit? I know they can draw feet (well, most of them) so why are they so adverse to drawing feet standing on the ground? Do better, artists. I'm tired of seeing characters standing in holes in the ground.

Hal lets Bruce borrow his Green Lantern Ring so that Bruce can get a boost of willpower to get out of the chair. It works but now Hal is helpless. Luckily Barda chooses that moment to return from Apokolips with the Female Furies and Kalibak and Steppenwolf. As soon as Batman gets out of the chair, Owlman gets into it because he's desperate to do everything Batman does. Grid ditches Cyborg's body and enters the chair before Owlman BOOM Tubes away. He probably won't be back until Afterbirth.

Some more fighting takes place but none of it matters. Apparently all it takes, according to Batman, is for Grail to separate the Anti-Life Equation from Darkseid. Which then...well, I don't know. I guess that's the final answer to ending the battle which needed many different answers to end different parts when the battle changed from being one thing to being a totally different thing. Like battling Darkseid and then battling the Anti-Monitor and then battling Steve Trevor and then battling a baby and then battling Baby Darkseid and then battling Grail's self-esteem. Ultimately though, it turns out Grail had severe Mother Issues. And there's no place in the DC Youniverse for a character with Mother Issues. It's all Daddy Issues up in this house. So Grail disappears in a puff of logic.

Is it time for me to start playing Hallelujah yet? I think probably!

Oh god! It's so terrible! But it totally works over the denouement! I knew it would! It seems to work over the denouement of everything! Especially shitty dramas with a touch of melancholy! Like every CSI ever! And all of the clones!

See? Just play Hallelujah over this page! Totally works. In that horrible way that adding a song people find emotional to a montage seems to work for mediocre people.

Oh, and see? Jessica is fine! And now instead of being shitty old Power Ring, she's a real Green Lantern! Although for some reason, the ring gives her a man's Green Lantern outfit. Where is all the skin, Jessie?!

Barda returns to the Furies and it's really emotional for some reason! Oh yeah! Enough of that crap. I'm shutting off the song!

Darkseid is not trapped in the body of a baby and being raised by a powerless Grail. So now Darkseid is going to have Mommy Issues! DC Afterbirth is going to be such a different place! No more Daddy Issues! Only Mommy Issues from here on out! I can't wait because those are my kinds of issues!

Lex Luthor returns to Apokolips to start a revolution. For some reason. I guess he saw a money making opportunity. Plus he's getting a new Superman-inspired set of battle armor!

Batman reveals the answer to the question "What's the Joker's real name?"

I told you it didn't matter, angry Tumblr user who called me arrogant because I said we would never be told who The Joker really was and Geoff Johns would think up some bullshit reveal that would show Batman didn't learn his name. So suck it! Also, Hal, Batman actually said, "That's not possible," dumb dumb.

Wonder Woman learned from Myrina's dying words that she has a twin brother! She doesn't know what happened to the baby but somehow she knows it was named Jason. Also she hinted that the island is full of lies or something. Whatever.

Those were a lot of epilogues but they weren't the most important one! The most important one was of Owlman sitting in his new chair speaking with Metron on the moon. Just as Owlman's about to learn the secret of everything, somebody appears and turns him and Metron to dust! Oh no! Who could it be?! Who has returned to set DC Afterbirth into motion?! I really hope it's Ambush Bug.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Superman #52

Fucking Lois! Stop making everything about you and your scoop! You're putting people's lives in danger for your stupid story!

The Review!

The Commentary!
I've changed my mind about waiting to read Rebirth! I'm going to read it after reading this, Lois and Clark #8, and Justice League #50. I doubt it will spoil any of the other New 52 books coming to an end. And if it does, I'm sure I already have those endings figured out, being that I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and all. I'd also like to get all of these read before the night is over, so I should probably just write about the comic book and not write about how I'm going to read the comic books. Especially since that information was so fucking boring.

New 52 Superman is currently engaged in the final battle of his life. Unless he gets to live to die in Rebirth. Or maybe he'll get to move on to Comic Book Purgatory with all the other failed characters who never had a chance. Some of them failed due to being stupid, while others (like New 52 Superman!) were written so poorly that the only merciful thing to do was to take them out behind the barn and shoot them in the face. The death of New 52 Superman is squarely on the shoulders of Scott Lobdell and Eddie Berganza.

The first half of this comic book is simply Superman and Impostor Superman punching each other while Imposter Superman continues to claim he's the real deal. I'm not sure the reason for this whole ex-con turned into Superman plot point. How does it relate to Doctor Omen and Chinese Superman and Superman's new power and the New Death of New 52 Superman? I suspect it's to set up the eventual return of New 52 Superman, just in case he needs to be brought back for some reason. If his FWASH Power releases sentient energy that is basically his memories and his personality, it can be used at a future point to return New 52 Superman to life. I don't know why anybody would want him back though. The DC Universe has plenty of Supermen to choose from and most of them are much more interesting than New 52 Superman. I'd rather have Electric Superman!

Impostor Superman beats up Superman and Supergirl and Wonder Woman and even Batman! But New 52 Superman isn't giving up the way he's already given up on trying to find a cure for his Kryptonite poisoning. He decides a good idea would be to take Impostor Superman into space. You know what? I have a better idea! What happened to Superman's usual go-to plan of throwing every problem into the Phantom Zone?!

New 52 Superman can't quite keep Impostor Superman in orbit so Preboot Superman arrives to lend a hand!

And maybe a dick? Is this position in the Kama Sutra?

Once they're all in orbit, New 52 Superman punches Preboot Superman in the face in the way Kryptonians apparently do to friends and new acquaintances. Somehow weak-ass dying New 52 Superman still has enough strength to knock out super, overpowered Preboot Superman with one punch! As a comic book nerd who is really fucking picky about what I will and will not believe, this strains the credulity of my comic book logic receptors! Have some internal consistency, comic book! In my version of this scene, New 52 Superman's hand would explode in a bloody, bony mess while Preboot Superman said, "What was that? I think a piece of paper hit me in the face!"

New 52 Superman uses his FWASH Power at the same time that Impostor Superman explodes from whatever chain reaction he was undergoing. New 52 Superman absorbs the explosion and plummets to Earth. But he doesn't die yet because Preboot Superman catches him so he can die in a more dignified way in Rebirth. Probably.

No wait! He gets to die here! He says goodbye to everybody and then turns into a man-shaped pile of ashes. I hope somebody remembers to throw those ashes into the sun so that Lex Luthor doesn't gather them up and turn them into something really entertaining.

After Superman dies, there's an epilogue showing a bunch of supporting cast members and their reactions to his death. Noticeably absent is Shay Veritas, Omniologist! And Krypto! Lois gets a full page because she's now writing Superman's biography. I wonder if DC Comics would let me write that! I know I could do it because Lois Lane is an awful writer and I've had loads of practice writing terrible things!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #29

DC has finally read my letters and listened to my suggestion to turn this book into Supergirl Loves Wonder Woman (And Pegs Her Too!).

The Review!
A lot of this Final Days of Superman story has been padding to extend the story until Rebirth. I guess this is the last of that padding since Superman and Impostor Superman are finally battling their final battle. I don't think there are enough pages to deal with Chinese Superman, so he'll probably be an issue sometime in Rebirth. Hopefully he'll get his own comic book and it will all be in Chinese. That way I can make up everything that's being said and write my own Narration Boxes for it. I'll definitely make it extremely pervy.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Fire Line". I liked it better when it was called "Burning Love" and was about Supergirl and Wonder Woman. Remember how Supergirl used to masturbate with her Kryptonian Sun Crystals in the early issues of her comic book? Oh yeah. Those were good times. Should we reminisce a little more? Let's have a flashback picture!

Oh yeah! That's good comic book!

At the end of Action Comics #52, Impostor Superman was about to be declined membership of the Justice League. This issue will probably revolve around the declining. And by declining I mean punching. Lots and lots of punching. I figure Impostor Superman should probably be defeated this issue so that Superman can spend the entire time dying in Superman #52.

While New 52 Superman and Wonder Woman battle Impostor Superman, Preboot Superman, his wife, his son, his cat, and his dog are off to find a place where they can be safe from Impostor Superman.

Hmm. I guess Ranger and the Unnamed Cat were dropped to their deaths.

The family sans pets wind up in Clark's Fortress of Secrets. I don't think he's allowed to call it the Fortress of Solitude since that's Kara's place now. Clark decides it's finally time to tell Jon his family history.

What the fuck kind of stupid advert is this, DC? Is Rebirth aimed at the asshole demographic?

Impostor Superman manages to defeat Wonder Woman and Superman. He kidnaps Superman and flies off to murder him. But Supergirl has heard the news that her cousin is getting his ass kicked, so she's on her way to save the day.

I didn't mention Batman at all because his job was babysitting Lois Lane.

Action Comics #52

Why do the police still hate Superman?

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "The Great Pretender" because Superman is a big phony. Unless it's Wonder Woman who is the big phony because she's pretending she still loves Superman just because he's dying. It's also possible the pretender is Impostor Superman. That seems too straightforward though, right?!

Before I start scanning a few panels in which Dale Eaglesham really worked long and hard on Wonder Woman's tits (I mean, seriously, they're perfect!), I want to discuss a serious problem I have. I currently have forty unread comic books in the stack on top of Rebirth #1. That means I've got at least two weeks (and probably three!) until I get to it. There's no way I'm going to avoid spoilers for that long! Especially when people seem to think that I read every comic book as soon as it hits the shelves at 11 in the morning Pacific Time! How hard is it to understand that I read the comic book as I write the commentary? So if you want to know if I've read a book yet, check the fucking index on my home page! It's not like these "reviews" read like I've already read the comic book and thoughtfully considered the themes and changes in character! When have I ever written anything scholarly on any of these stupid funny books? I think it's fairly obvious from reading any one of my "reviews" that I'm actually reading the comic book as I'm writing the stupid thing. How can people not notice that?! Did they all score First Grade Level on their Reading Comprehension Tests?!

See? It's digressions like that which keep me from reading more than maybe two comic books per day! And I need to read at least that many just to keep up from week to week! But then I go away for a weekend or wind up doing my civic duty while also still working and I miss reading comic books for three or four days so then I'm even further behind! I wish I had that Fermata power! Although I'd probably just use it to molest people on public transportation as well instead of doing any actual work.

I wonder what the current generation would think of Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. On one hand, it's a book about a guy who constantly sexually assaults strangers. But on the real hand (which is the thematic hand and the one which needs a reading comprehension greater than that of a first grader), it's really about writers and writing. I suppose it could be about any profession but since Baker is a writer (who is also a writer's writer, if that's a thing. Is that a thing?), The Fermata is only about writing. If you think differently, you're probably wrong.

Um, so, Impostor Superman is currently trying to get into Lois's yoga pants.

Oh! Oh! I think I know his secret!

Hmm. I was wrong. His secret wasn't his cock.

For the first time ever, Clark White appears in one of New 52 Superman's books! That's probably not a good sign for New 52 Superman. Clark White lives in Salinas, California, which is where John Steinbeck lived! I've been in his house! I saw where he spent hours at his typewriter practicing writing because he wanted to be a writer! I kind of felt like the tour guide was rubbing it in a little bit. Who spends that much time practicing writing?! Not a Writer with a capital "W"! Who needs to practice?! Steinbeck should have been more like Hemingway and just declared he was going to be a great writer and then write a bunch of shit that people think is great because Hemingway said he was a great writer. This is probably where I point out that I have never read anything by Hemingway and so don't actually know what I'm talking about. But I have read everything by Steinbeck (except maybe Travels With Charlie because I was disappointed Charlie wasn't a cat), so I can probably safely say that Steinbeck was a way better writer than Hemingway! Hell, Gertrude Stein was a better writer than Hemingway and she was a shitty writer on purpose!

Impostor Superman's secret is Clark White. So it kind of is a cock! Har har! The only secret I want to know about is the name of Clark White's cat. Why do they mention the dog is named Ranger but nobody thinks to identify the cat?! I hope it's name is Streaky. Impostor Superman starts a fight with Clark White before the cat is introduced.

Meanwhile, New 52 Superman can't die fast enough. Just die already! Everybody thinks he's dying of Kryptonite Poisoning but I know what he's really dying from. He's got Lobdellitis. He's been too tainted by shitty Lobdell story lines. There's not saving him. The only way to return any dignity and respect to the character is to destroy this version of him and never speak of it again.

The New 52 Trinity notice the action in Salinas as they fly back from China and stop to check it out. New 52 Superman meets Clark White for the first time but it's a short meeting because Clark has to go rush his wife, kid, dog, and cat to safety. That leaves New 52 Superman and his friends to deal with Impostor Superman who thinks he's about to join the Justice League.

I guess I'll read the rest of The Final Days of Superman out of order because I just want to see Superman die already!

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Batman Loves Superman #32

This has "international incident" written all over it.

The Review!
See that number five on the cover of this book? Just take a black marker and cross it out. Then take your copy of Action Comics #52 and, using your black marker, replace the six with a five. Because you don't need to read this comic book. You don't want to read this comic book. The only thing it accomplished for me was making me hate Superman and Wonder Woman. They act like entitled children in their visit to China (which, I suppose, makes them no worse than most America tourists). The only thing you need to know from this story is that there is now a Chinese Superman flying around China. That's it. Nothing else in this story matters. Although looking at the cover and seeing that the entire Great Ten are on it while only seven of the Great Ten appear in the book makes me wonder about one of the worst lines in the entire book. It's when Wonder Woman first responds to the Great Ten telling the heroes to leave China. She haughtily proclaims that they can't count because there are only seven of them. Why put all ten on the cover and then just bring seven to the battle so that Wonder Woman can be a dick about it? I'm going to blame this bullshit on Eddie Berganza. He probably decided ten were too many characters to throw in the mix and then added Wonder Woman's shitty line to the script to address the missing members. Whatever is happening in this comic book, it's all horrible. Maybe Tomasi should just stick to writing Alfred, Bruce, and Damian. Working under Berganza is making him look like a shitty writer.

The Commentary!
For most of you, Superman has either already died or been miraculously saved because you've read the Superman #52. I won't be reading it for another two weeks or so because I'm so busy that I'm falling behind reading my comic books. Never mind what I've been busy doing! Curing cancer and playing video games can both be described as "being busy!" Also, in the immortal words of Rush, "If you choose to do nothing, you're still busy doing nothing." So suck it, judgmental nerds! Is this a case of protesting too much?

Okay, so Superman is dying. But he isn't concerned with finding a cure. He never read that poem about not going gentle into a perfectly reasonable night which totally proves that life is worth living or something. Although I wrote a poem called "Rage, Rage Against the Person Raging Against the Dying of the Light" which totally proves that it's better to just shut up and die and stop bothering everybody else with your problems. So, you know. I'm just as great as that Dylan Thomas guy! What else did he write anyway? Like anybody knows him for anything else! That'll teach him for writing one thing that was so much better than everything else! Or, if not better than other things he wrote, at least it was mercifully short. Nobody has time to read your stupid plays, Thomas!

It's cases like Dylan Thomas's that move me to write tons and tons of mediocre bullshit. That way nothing I write can ever outshine the rest of what I write and nobody will remember me for only the one thing! Instead they'll say things like "Grunion who?" and "Tess ate what? What the fuck are you talking about?" and "People who waste time reading comic books are probably stupid fucking assholes who never get laid." The imaginary people of the future are hurtful.

Why wasn't Bruce Wayne prescribed Dionesium years ago?!

Why doesn't Batman tell Superman about this thing called Dionesium that can cure even death? Does he not want his friend to live? I'm sure Superman can tunnel down under Gotham and find whatever's left of the stuff, right? I bet Batman is selfishly hoarding it just in case any more of his sidekicks die.

Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are currently headed into China to investigate the person who hacked the Fortress of Solitude and sent Chinese Zodiac monsters after Superman. That means they're going to ignore international borders because they don't have time to go through the proper legal channels like everybody else who wants to visit China. It must be nice living a life where you think the laws don't apply to you. Oh, you know what? It is nice! I'm one of those people! Although I think we're all really those people. If there's a law that's inconveniencing us at the moment, most of us will simply ignore it because, at the moment, it's obviously so stupid that it should never have been a law in the first place and we're modern day Henry David Thoreaus! We're taking a stand against injustice! Plus I really just needed to get across the street and am an adult and don't need a properly designated crossing to tell me when it's safe to cross! I'm a rebel! Plus I remember that thing where you look one way and then the other and then the other way before proceeding!

The Great American Trinity cross into China and are immediately brought down by some kind of force power. They're greeted by August General in Iron and the rest of the Chinese National Superhero Group, The Great Ten. Wonder Woman decides being told by another hero that she isn't allowed to cross international borders willy-nilly is the best time to point out a person's poor counting skills. It seems to me the American heroes should be apologizing profusely and explaining themselves rather than acting like they own the entire fucking world.

Christ. I'm American and now I hate Americans too! I think American tourists are worse for the United State's image than their atrocious foreign policy and imperialist attitude toward solving world problems!

Wonder Woman is from Themyscira and now lives in London so I'd understand if somebody wanted to argue that she's not American. But she's representing America by wearing the flag as a leotard and being an abrasive asshole, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to claim her as one of ours. That whole living in London to distance yourself from America isn't fooling anybody, Madonna! I mean Wonder Woman!

So apparently it's okay to beat the shit out of people enforcing their international border if they tell you that you should not be crossing illegally into their country. How dare they?! Maybe if I draw some Starros on Superman and Wonder Woman's faces in that previous scene, I'd be more inclined to buy their attitude. If Superman hadn't been so jovial in the opening scene, I might also chalk his attitude up to being desperately in a hurry because he's dying. But he doesn't really seem all that bothered by dying. I think he's just in the mood to kick some Chinese ass because he's upset about the trade disparity. America! When things don't go our way, we knock the Monopoly board on the floor and blame everybody else for ruining the game.

You never even tried to ask them anything! You just started mouthing off and acting like you owned the place, you asshole! How should they have reacted? With obsequiousness?

I guess if Tomasi wanted to write a story which made me hate Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, he's succeeded! What makes this worse is that Batman worked with August General in Iron in Justice League International. You'd think Batman would have kept that line of communication open just for these moments when he needed to be in China at a moment's notice. If Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman actually wanted to ask questions, they could have gotten in contact with August General in Iron. And since they didn't do that, I have to assume they really did just want to physically prove themselves superior to the Chinese heroes.

To prove that they're indeed friends and have come in peace, Batman puts the August General in Iron's life at risk so that Superman can save it. Everybody knows that that's the point where the opposition says something like, " saved me life? Why?!" Then the heroes can be all, "Because we're heroes and we didn't want to fight you! But you were all, 'We're going to fight you!' So we had to be all, 'Oh yeah?! Well we're defending ourselves!' And so we had to fight!" And the opposition usually doesn't say but probably always thinks, "But that's not how it happened at all! Not at all!"

So now that the entire misunderstanding has been straightened out by the brusque, obnoxious assholes having proven that they're actually good people and not the dickfart frat jerks they first presented themselves as being, the Chinese and American heroes can discuss the situation rationally. At this point, I really don't fucking care if this Superman dies. And he may as well take Wonder Woman with him. Assholes.

No, August General in Iron, it does not. Do not allow these assholes to get away with their behavior! Do not compliment him on saving your life when he and his friends first endangered it! They could have approached politely and had this discussion instead of being insulting and aggressive.

The Great Ten escort the Big Three to Doctor Omen's lab where they discover she's created her own Chinese Superman by collecting Superman's FWASH power particulates or something. It's all quite scientific and inscrutable. Doctor Omen isn't a fan of being questioned by Americans so she frees Chinese Superman and he flies off to do whatever Chinese superheroes are taught to do. I'm not even going to speculate because I'll invariably say something insensitive or racist like how he's probably off to pee in Cokes. No way I'll be tricked into typing something like that!

The Great Ten explain that they will deal with Chinese Superman as long as he's in China and then kick the Americans out. August General in Iron does agree to remain in contact with Superman even though he never stayed in contact with Batman. I'll just assume that was Batman's fault. Although Batman isn't the type of guy to lose contacts or burn bridges. He plans for every possibility! Like the possibility that one day he'd need to enter China to deal with something and having a powerful Chinese ally like August General in Iron is something Batman wouldn't just toss out like a smeg-covered egg salad sandwich from a stranger.

Meanwhile, Impostor Superman has decided to visit Lois Lane at her apartment. Maybe Lois will get the scoop on this guy since that's what she does.

Batman #52

I bet we get Happy Batman for only one issue and the Rebirth will provide him with plenty of reasons to be sad and justice-obsessed again. Besides, we already have Happy Batman and his name is Dick Grayson.

The Review!
If Issue #51 was Snyder's epilogue, Issue #52 is Tynion's footnote. That doesn't mean it's less important! Footnotes are quite important to the overall understanding of the complicated thing being read. Or the wanting to be postmodern thing being read. Whatever. Anyway, it's a pleasant little story about how Alfred helped focus young Bruce's obsession so that the search for justice wouldn't consume him, and he'd always keep in mind that he was doing it for his parents. Or something. Maybe I didn't understand the story as much as I could have had I not been punching holes in my wall while screaming, "Why didn't you ever show your love, Daddy?! Why couldn't you die while I still had an untarnished image of you, Mommy?!" Reading this will probably be a different experience for most of you. Aside from the damaged sheet rock, it was an enjoyable story!

The Commentary!
Thanks to Jury Duty, I'm even further behind in my comic books than I already was! What shit timing because Rebirth comes out in about ten hours and I won't be able to read it immediately. Which means somebody, somewhere, is definitely going to spoil the entire thing for me. I guess I'm just going to have to ignore my Message Inbox for a few weeks. Luckily, nothing exciting happened during Jury Duty. It was so many levels of boring greater than I remember boring being. The best part was when a guy approached me because he must have thought I was poverty-stricken. He came up to me on the second day during lunch and said, "Excuse me, sir. I noticed you didn't go out for lunch yesterday either. Would you like a sandwich?" He then offered me what looked like a homemade egg salad sandwich which obviously means it's also a homemade germs from his unwashed dick hands sandwich as well. I politely declined and then chuckled to myself. See, I have this Burberry trench coat that I've been wearing for nearly a decade that I call my bum coat. I purchased it for less than twenty bucks at a Buffalo Exchange for a Philip K. Dick costume. Now ten years or so on, it looks even more like a hobo trench coat because it's severely in need of a good dry cleaning. It probably has more unwashed dick hands germs on it than the guy's Smeg-Salad sandwich.

Anyway, the final issue of New 52 Batman! I guess Scott Snyder couldn't be bothered to write fifty-two issues because he's a highfalutin la-dee-da dandy-pants. It's a good thing James Tynion IV is his thrall. "Larksadaisy, I think I've got a touch of the vapors! Somebody get Squire James on the horn and tell him another opportunity for greatness has arisen! He may write Batman once more! Oh, and whoever made this sweet tea? Kill them."

The issue begins two weeks after Martha and Thomas Wayne were murdered. Doctor Leslie Thompkins decides to pay Alfred and Bruce a visit. She also believes it's a good time to make jokes about acquiring the Wayne's grandfather clock. Alfred also explains why Wayne Manor wound up creepily being the home of just a butler and a young boy for so long. Alfred had to fire the other staff because he always hated them.

Doctor Leslie's professional advice to young Bruce was to make a list because she's the psychological equivalent of Cracked dot com. But Bruce is too young to realize that making lists is a stupid fucking way to organize content. It's much better to simply label something in a completely misleading and incomprehensible way so that you can disguise the place where you actually tell your most secret inner failings and life-shattering existentialist fears. Then people will stumble upon it and think, "What is this nonsense? Oh! I think it's about a subject I enjoy! Plus it's funny! I think. I mean, what's with all the wallowing in death anxiety and obvious abundance of Mother Issues?"

The first thing on Bruce's list must be "Watch more television." The second thing on his list is "Learn something mystical and wise from an Oriental mystic." Don't side-eye me! Bruce is the one who uses terms like "Oriental!" Didn't you see how I put that in quotes? That means it was based on the character and not mired in my racism!

After those two seminal moments of Bruce's past (which must be the most seminal moments ever or why did the story begin with them?), the story returns to the present where Batman is continuing his obsession with making lists.

This must be a new list because "Disappear." is totally different from "Watch more Great Space Coaster!"

Batman is hunting a new villain named Crypsis. It's also possibly an old villain. How should I know? Is this called Eee! Who's Who Ate Chai Tea? Of coruse it isn't! That doesn't make any sense, dumb-dumb.

I'm not ashamed that I had to look up on the Internet what "crypsis" meant. I am ashamed to say I've already forgotten because the Internet is full of naked people.

Batman fails to stop Crypsis from stealing Safety Deposit Box 1047. That number probably means something. But if it has anything to do with October 1947, I don't know what that would be because the covers of Batman and Detective Comics for that month are just the usual silly bullshit featuring Penguin and The Joker. The case has something important to Bruce Wayne inside of it. Maybe it's his original Recovery To-Do List! It could cause some real embarrassment for Bruce Wayne if Vicki Vale were to get her hands on it! You all know how embarrassing your earliest attempts at writing were, right? I mean, I don't know because everything I've ever written has been spun gold. I mean, it hasn't actually proven to be valuable at all. But some day, I'll be regarded as the more reclusive Emily Dickinson!

Another entry: #3 See How Small I Can Make My Penis.

Batman continues to remember his list and I have to admit, it is funnier than most of Cracked dot com's lists. "Disappear. Feel nothing. Let go of everything. Make them feel what I feel (which is, by the way, nothing if I'm doing the list correctly. Don't worry! It probably makes sense! My mind is damaged from trauma, remember! Gosh! Stop being so judgy!)."

There's another flashback and it makes my tear ducts think that they might be needed later, so they begin firing up the machinery.

Does Leslie Thompkins actually have a degree? What the hell has she been telling this kid?!

Bruce tears out the page with Alfred's addendum to his list. Oh, I bet that's what's in the stupid safety deposit box! Just that one page! And I bet Alfred wrote something stupid like "#99: If you insist on masturbating into the hand towels, please rinse them out yourself." Or maybe something more helpful and heartfelt also.

The entire notebook is inside the box. But I bet Alfred's page is Scotch taped back in! And I bet it's covered in baby Bruce tears!

Uuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggghhhhhhh! Whew. Whew. I did it! I avoided tacking on "and semen!" to the previous paragraph! I have the willpower of Hal Jordan!

Dammit. That didn't make me cry at all. Shut'er down, tear ducts! You won't be needed again until we pass another dead raccoon on the freeway!

Don't get my caption wrong! It's a nice bit of writing and a touching sentiment and blah-de-blah-blah-blah! It's just I've never given a fuck about how proud or not proud my parents were of me! Proud? Who the fuck cares about proud?! You know what did mean the world to me? The unconditional love of my mother's parents who never would have expressed their affection in such a cold way as "being proud." You know who says things like "We're proud of you no matter what you do"? Assholes parents who are really just saying, "Well, you're a fucking failure, but I guess we have to love you anyway." Look what needing somebody to proud of them has done to this poor lonely, damaged, and frightened child?! He had to become the greatest hero of all time just to think maybe he could make his Mommy and Daddy proud!

You know what? I could just be arguing semantics! But I really feel it's an important distinction to make sure your kids know you love them and want them to be happy and fuck all this pride nonsense. It's what makes corporate monsters!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #2

Awesome! Tickle fetish comic book! Where's my dick?!

The Review or Whatever!
I have jury duty Monday and Tuesday and many other days if they actually choose me for a jury. I don't imagine I'm good jury material though. I'm fairly certain most lawyers, prosecutors and defendants don't really want a cynical bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything except staying alive another miserable fucking day being placed on their jury. Should I tell them outright that if I'm on the jury, I will be rolling my eyes every few sentences and constantly making jerk-off hand motions as people give testimony? Or should I just let everybody be surprised by that? I hope they ask me how I feel about police because I've got a prepared statement for that one! They don't mind people clearing their throats and pulling a ream of crumpled papers out of their pocket to read, right? Do they ask jurors to swear on a Bible for anything? Do courts still do that? How does that keep people from lying? Is the fear of an imaginary underworld full of torture and monsters supposed to keep people from lying in a courtroom that, if there were a God, God would not give two shits about? Human law? What the fuck does God care if somebody lies in a human court of human law?! You think he cares about rational human laws? Have you read Deuteronomy?!

This issue begins with Harley about to get raped by a thug while tied to a chair. Okay, okay. Nobody actually mentions rape. Some dialogue is added so the creep actually says he wants to knock some of her teeth out. But the vibe is implicitly rapey and he approaches Harley with his hand on his belt. And then, of course, there's this panel:

I had to check the cover after this scene to make sure this comic wasn't called Gang Rape of Harleys.

Of course, the point of this scene is for this guy to get his comeuppance for being a sexual predator (or a tooth-knocking out predator, if you're into literal readings of words and not the sly wink-wink reading between the lines thing). Harley Sinn (Ugh. Typing that is my Vietnam) makes sure to stop the violence before it gets started. Harley Sinn is the person who kidnapped Harley Quinn because even anti-heroes need to battle reflections of themselves on occasion. Harley Sinn also might need to find a costume that actually fits her.

Whoops! I think her labia majora is showing!

Harley Quinn believes she recognizes Harley Sinn. She was probably one of the candidates for the gang who didn't make the cut. If this were two years ago, I'd probably dig through my short boxes to find the interview issues but I just don't have that kind of passion any more. I'd figure out exactly who Harley Sinn was and then constantly remind people how I guessed who it was immediately. Maybe I should demote myself from Grandmaster Comic Book Reader if I'm not willing to put in the work?!

Maybe Harley Sinn is the candidate who I wrote "had sores all over her body and is obsessed with death"? Or perhaps it's the one that I described as being able to lick her own asshole? It's also possible she's the podcaster because we all know how demented podcasters are.

Harley Sinn's gang of sex clowns is called the Sinn-dicate. That's so clever that I'm retiring from the being clever business! See how not clever that statement was? Because I'm retired!

If you weren't entertained by the near rape scene at the beginning of the comic book, perhaps you'll enjoy the near gay bashing a few pages later? A bunch of bikers harass Harvey Quinn as he walks by. Why would Frank and Jimmy want to portray bikers as homophobes? That's an awful stereotype! #NotAllBikers.

Harvey beats up the bikers but not because they were slinging insults at him. He beats them up because one of them shoves an old lady down. Now that's more like the bikers I know!

For some reason, Harley Sinn calls off the hits on all of the Harley Gang just in the nick of time! She saves their lives! I mean, sure, after she put their lives in danger. I'm not sure if that counts or not.

If you weren't entertained by the near gay bashing, perhaps you'll enjoy the racist bit where a bunch of youths are assumed to be muggers simply because of the way they look? Oh wait! I guess that bit is a commentary on how bigots jump to the worst conclusion of people based on superficial reasons. And I guess the gay bashing scene was a commentary on how gay bashing is bad. And I guess the near rape scene was a commentary on how rape is wrong. So I guess this is an entertaining comic book after all! And it has lessons to learn! We now know that stereotyping, gay bashing, and rape are things that only jerks do! Thank you, comic book! I'm a better human being already!

Instead of the Harleys all being killed by individual assassins because one of the assassins was killed trying to rape Harley, Harley Sinn waits until they all meet up at Bolly Quinn's family restaurant. Then she has Edna Sinn blow up the restaurant with a rocket launcher. Oh great. So now I'm supposed to believe firing rocket launchers into restaurants is bad too, right?! Sheesh. Whatever. Stupid morality tale.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Legends of Tomorrow #3

Gross. Mercury is like a goldfish dragging a turd around the bowl.

The Review!
Legends of Tomorrow is a throwback to DC's old super-sized anthology series. I guess DC is hoping fans of Firestorm, The Metal Men, or Metamorpho are willing to pay this kind of money to support a book with their favorite character in it. I am a fan of the idea although I think DC made a slight misstep. While this book works and the stories being told are probably better than average (or just average which in today's mainstream comic book climate sometimes seems better than average), I think they could really use one solid lead story featuring a character DC knows will sell. Yes, I'm actually proposing they shove a Harley Quinn story in this thing. Or, at least, this would have been the perfect vehicle for The Gang of Harleys story. I wonder how many more copies this would sell if they replaced one of the current stories with a Lobo story? And I'm not talking about Twat Lobo! I mean an old school, Alan Grantesque (or Keith Giffenesque, I suppose) Lobo story! I also think at least one of the four stories should always be a single issue story whose lead character gets rotated out for a different character each month. Just that kind of variety alone would probably bring in more people willing to give each month a new shot.

The Bullet Points!
This book is too long for a normal commentary! It gets bullet points or else I won't have time to eat today. Not that I need food! Thanks to a year of mourning and not caring about anything, I think I have enough Oreo energy inside of me to last a decade!

• Speaking of mourning, the grave of my cat and used-to-be-best-friend-until-he-ditched-me-for-the-comfort-of-eternal-nonexistence is in my backyard. I've turned Judas's grave into a statuary garden with a big wooden fish and a peace symbol made from beer caps inset into concrete and an angel from my Grandmother's house and a spooky human head and a rock with the Cheshire Cat on top of it and a Sailor Moon figure and a Sailor Mercury figure and a Chibi-Moon figure. Last weekend, the property manager sent a crew of assholes to do some yard work around the place. I would have sent professional landscapers but I guess assholes are cheaper. After they were done, I went outside to find all of the statues piled up in the center of the space as if a poltergeist had taken up residence there. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury were nowhere to be found but judging by the dismembered pieces of Chibi-Moon I discovered, it didn't take Columbo to figure out what happened to them. Who the fuck does yard work and decides not to give any fucks about what is obviously a purposeful installation and not just a load of garbage lying in the dirt? Besides, I keep Judy's grave nice and neat, so they didn't even need to bother with that patch of ground! Luckily for them, I find it more amusing than anger-inducing that such unrepentant douch├ęstorks live in this world and just replaced the lost figures with another Sailor Moon figure, a Xena Warrior Princess figure, and Jigglypuff. I should probably dig around for more figures in preparation for next time!

• When we last left Firestorm, I was thinking, "I don't care about Firestorm. Why did I pay $8 for this book?"

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond are once again Firestorm. Fans of old things and nothing changing cheer while they pull their cocks and vaginas and lighter-fluid-covered crosses out in preparation for the return of their apparent savior, White Wally West.

• The Firestorm story is called "United We Fall" because isn't that clever. See how they turned the old adage inside out? You know what else I'd like to see turned inside out? A clown.

• The story begins with Firestorm battling Major Force. Major Force is a hero only by the most technical of definitions and only if you're an American and only if you're a warmonger. That sentence was a sentence I could never get away with if I changed Major Force to anybody in the military, even if the sentence would still be true.

• General Eiling wants to turn Firestorm into a weapon under his control so he made up some bullshit reason to bring Firestorm in. And since Firestorm knows it's bullshit and refuses to comply, Firestorm will now be arrested for the most bullshit reason of all: resisting arrest. That's just something some genius "peace" officer came up with to give them a reason for beating the shit out of anybody who doesn't respect them any time they want.

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond learn to trust each other quickly because nobody wants to keep buying $8 anthology books to see them bicker month after month. Plus we've seen this before many times. If DC has decided they want old fashioned Firestorm back together for some reason, it's best to just get it over with quickly.

• Multiplex has decided that retaining a vendetta against Midnighter is bad for his peace of mind, so he's now venturing forth on a new project! That project is to break quantum entanglement so that every aspect of himself is a pure, unadulterated individual. That seems like a really stupid fucking idea. But then Multiplex seems like a shortsighted idiot, mostly based on his need to attack Midnighter more than once.

The Hollywood Theatre is not in downtown Portland. It's on the east side of the river, dumb dumbs.

• I used to actively avoid any movie at the Hollywood Theatre if I could help it (it plays independent and obscure films, so it can't totally be avoided if you're interested in movies that don't just string fifty scenes of explosions and bullets together) because it was always so fucking cold. I saw I Don't Know Jack there years ago, and handful of other movies since then. Just last year, I went back to see that documentary made by the brother of that guy in The National and the place has been completely refurbished. No more cold stone concrete floors and breezy everythings! Plus they have a pie window now! Although you have to pay for them. You can't just sneak up and steal them as they cool on the sill.

• Firestorm is captured by Eiling and Major Force. I guess this wasn't yet the issue where things turn around and the hero wins. Maybe next time?

• Last issue, Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg were transported to another planet (or time (or dimension (or plane of existence))). This is a fitting thing to happen in a Metamorpho story because he's fucking weird. It's not a fitting thing to happen in an Aquaman story. I mean, I guess it's okay in an Aquaman story because everybody has huge boners and engorged labias over Ancient Astronauts. So why can't the people of Atlantis also be aliens from another planet! It totally makes sense! I mean, if you believe in fictional things and in things that make less sense than rational explanations of those things.

• This story is called "Brave New World." Sometimes, I fantasize about going back in time to stand over Shakespeare's shoulder as he writes The Tempest and say things like, "You sure you want to use that phrase? 'Brave New World'? Maybe something less likely that people will glom onto in the future? How about 'Check this shit and the weird people in it!'? No? Hey! Bill! You know how you're spending all this time agonizing over word choices and characterizations and stage directions? Guess what will be way more fucking popular than anything you ever write? Guess what more people will parody than your Romeo and Juliet balcony scene? You're totally going to lose your shit over this. Ready? 'Got milk.' Seriously. 'Got milk.' People go fucking nuts over that! Twenty years and people still fucking change the 'milk' part to whatever they're doing and believing they're fucking comedic geniuses! Sorry to bring you down, Bill. I like your shit. Keep up the good work!"

• I fucking hate people who add shit to Wikipedia. I looked up the "got milk?" campaign just to see how old it was. And just because I love to wind myself up and ensure that one day I'll die of a stroke, I scrolled down to read the "Parody and References" section. At first I thought, "Well, there's not enough room on the internet for that shit!" But there were only four examples, probably because "got milk?" isn't usually parodied in Anime. But the last entry by some thick-skulled moron who thinks every fucking thing that they remember while baking themselves on the couch is important was this: "In the Daria episode 'Psycho Thereapy', Jake Morgendorffer, when his efforts to get a glass of milk are thwarted by his wife Helen, roars, 'Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!'." What the fuck?! Who fucking cares! Imagine if everybody who ever saw or heard one of these "got milk?" references added them to this page, it would be bigger than the rest of the Internet together! How about I add this blurb: "On the freeway between Snoqualmie and North Bend is a restaurant called 'Got Rice' which is a subtle reference to the 'got milk?' campaign."

• Metamorpho and Sapphire meet the Ancient Astronauts who became the Egyptians. I think. I mean, they're awfully Caucasian looking to be descended from Ancient Egyptian Astronauts. Except the one guy who isn't! So maybe I'm wrong. Except Rex mentions they sound like they're speaking Ancient Egyptian. So maybe I'm right!

• How does Rex know what Ancient Egyptian sounds like?

• Kanjar Ro and his men follow Rex and Saph through the interdimensional planetary otherworldly transport. Remember how they want to use Metamorpho and the Orb of Ra for fuel?

• Saph's ass is my new favorite character.

• Metamorpho is, of course, the Chosen One. I would have chosen Sapph's ass but then I'm a feminist.

• Metamorpho and Sapphire learn that the Egyptians were indeed Ancient Astronauts led by a madman named Dagan Ra. Their first reaction isn't, "Well, that's nuts since everything was already so self-explanatory via all the evidence found by archaeologists." Instead it was, "Oh yeah! Totally. That makes sense! The other stuff we thought about the Egyptians was obviously pure hoodoo nutso nonsense!"

• To thank Sapphire for helping him and believing in him and caring about him and having such a smoking hot booty, Rex makes a diamond from his left testicle and gives it to her. She loves it!

• The story ends with Rex, Saph, and their new friend, Princess Neith, adventuring to find the Orb of Ra. I mean, it ends with a bigger cliffhanger than that, of course! But unless I scan the final page, telling you they encountered a Wolvengot isn't really going to mean anything.

Sugar and Spike!
• Now it's time for my favorite part of this anthology! Although I will say a rare positive thing about Legends of Tomorrow: it's telling stories with beginnings, middles, and ends! I appreciate when writers have a point to their stories and it helps if they know their story will have a definite end. Legends of Tomorrow doesn't feel like the kind of book that is just going to keep on and on with the four different sets of characters they're currently using. Either it'll end when all these stories are told, or it'll keep going with a new character whenever one of the current stories ends. I prefer that kind of comic book than one where the writer just keeps writing and writing and writing and thinking up new stories while sort of forgetting what the old story was to go in a new direction that completely contradicts the old story. I don't have any particular Scott Lobdell in mind when I say that.

• In this issue of Sugar and Spike, Private Investigations (Metahumans a specialty), Wonder Woman needs some help sorting a possible embarrassing situation from her past that she wouldn't want to resurface and ruin her credibility. I can't wait to find out which Golden Age story this is about! According to the cover, she's looking for an annulment from Mr. Monster!

• I think this is another one of those secret messages to me! Hi Giffen! Hi!

• The only real issue I have with Giffen's Sugar and Spike stories is that they rely pretty heavily on a great big wink from Giffen regarding the original Golden Age stories (okay, some Silver Age too, maybe?) they're based on. The story relies on the reader knowing about Batman's weird fucking costumes he's worn in the past, or that Superman once made an island in his own image, or that Wonder Woman almost married a monster. Sure, you can read it without knowing DC once told these stories. But I think much of the fun of the series is that Sugar and Spike are dealing with stupid shit that has been relegated to the dustbin of DC Comics history. But that's also what I truly love about them. Before this, when has anybody written a story that flatly states Wonder Woman's near marriage to Mister Monster is fucking canon? Even if all of the other versions of herself were at the wedding!

The Metal Men!
• The Metal Men story begins with the biggest impossibility I've seen in a DC story in a long time. No, not Robotman being a human brain in a robot. No, not the Metal Men being intelligent metal that can change into any shape at all and do pretty much anything the writer wants them to. No, the impossibility is how The Metal Men pick up actual news reports on an analog television set without an HD Adapter. I suppose the part where I said the Metal Men can become anything trumps my complaint since Tin must have simply turned into rabbit ears and an HD Adapter.

• The short amount of television they pick up is about Red Tornado going nuts at Six Flags. I don't mean he's eating tons of elephant ears and corn dogs and riding coasters until he pukes. I mean he's threatening to kill everybody. Probably because he got drunk at one of the adult food stands.

• The Metal Men borrow one of Niles Caulder's flying inventions and leave the most interesting character in this story behind. I guess Cliff Steele doesn't mind since he's more of a reluctant hero. But I'm sure going to miss him! Now the rest of the story is just going to be inane nonsense bandied about by the stupid Metal Men.

• Red Tornado isn't in control of his actions. His destruction is due to a guy named Nameless! He's a clever re-imagining of the real life hacker group, Anonymous! That was a free fact for stupid people.

• The Metal Men, having empathy for another robot, defeat Red Tornado without tearing him limb from limb like usually happens.

• The story ends with the United States Army surrounding the Metal Men to take them back into custody. They should have said, "You're going to capture us? You and the United States Army and what army?!"