Friday, October 31, 2014

New Guardians #35

I think I know what the life equation is! Penis + Vagina - Butthole + Marvin Gaye + 9 Months - Falling Down Stairs = Life!

Okay, class. Enough giggling over the title of this cosmic crisis, Godhead. This will be a classy, intellectual discussion about a comic book. How dare you expect anything less.

The issue begins with the Bohemian Guardians informing Kyle Rayner that he has done what nobody thought possible: he has passed through the Source Wall and returned. For some reason, nobody has ever thought to go over or under it since it's just a normal wall in space. It's not like it's the inside of a shell that stretches off in all directions. It's just a fucking wall! I guess being comic book characters, they're not used to thinking in three dimensions. Also they're stuck inside of panels so if the Source Wall can stretch from panel border to panel border, they can't get around it.

Judging by the look on Carol's face, there's one thing he isn't capable of! I'm guessing the Life Equation has no variable for clitoris.

Kyle realizes the Bohemian Guardians manipulated him into hiding for fear that he would be hunted down for the Life Equation. I guess once a Guardian, always a Guardian, no matter how many daisy chains they wear in their hair. But now the New Gods know of his existence anyway, so the running and hiding option was a big failure. I guess Kyle can go back to the Green Lanterns and let them know he's alive. I bet they all act like their feelings are hurt instead of being happy that he's still alive. I only guess that because all comic book characters are pouting, narcissistic assholes.

Just rewrite them out of existence, Kyle. The DC Universe is better off without any living Oans.

When Kyle decides he's done hanging out with the manipulative little blue bastards, they turn on him. They try to remove the Life Equation from Kyle against his will which causes some kind of hell to break loose. It's the kind of hell that catches the attention of Highfather. You know, the guy the Bohemian Guardians were trying to hide Kyle from? So, you know, good job, Hippies.

Heh heh heh. "Godhead." Heh heh he...ahem. Sorry. Sorry.

After whatever Kyle and Highfather just did to each other, Highfather BOOM Tubes the Bohemian Guardians back to San Francisco. Or maybe some Acid Factory in the forests of Northern California. It hardly matters. Highfather has earned Kyle's trust by sending them away and now he can take his time stealing the Life Equation from Kyle. Even though they don't trust him, Kyle and Carol decide to follow Highfather to New Genesis because he seems to be the only one that can help them. Just like how the Bohemian Guardians seemed to be helping! Or Hal Jordan! Or the Zamarons! I think the only thing I'm learning from all the Green Lantern comic books is that bosses are assholes. Although I wouldn't mind working for Guy Gardner! But don't make me work with John Stewart! I don't want to die!

Eww! Didn't you see what he just had in his mouth?!

New Guardians #35 Rating: No change. The worst part about these multi-title crossovers is that you eventually get chapters like this where it feels like not much has really happened. I suppose getting rid of the Bohemian Guardians (for now!) was the best part of this Act.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35

Now I want a scarf that looks like a snake.

Right at this moment, the trending Twitter tags read like the worst Halloween ever: #TrickorMeat #UnwantedHalloweenTreats #BeenRapedNeverReported.

I wish I enjoyed that Halloween story more than I actually did because I'm about to read the scariest thing I'll read on Halloween today: a Scott Lobdell jam!

Mmm. Scott Lobdell jam.

This issue, Scott Lobdell decided to change things up. He still wastes the first page of twenty with a boring, splash page that probably shouldn't even be called a splash page since it's more like a still life. So that's not different. But he does wait until the second page to Narration Box, "My name is Jason Todd." It also means that he wastes the second page with another non-kinetic splash page where nothing is actually happening. This is the equivalent of changing your spacing and font size on college essays. Now Scott Lobdell only has eighteen pages to write after having thrown away two pages with a few Narration Boxes that should have only lasted half a page.

This is one of the things that is wrong with Lobdell. You can tell he's not writing because he loves writing or else he'd pack in as much story as he possibly could in the meager twenty pages DC Comics gives the creators. Instead, he wastes as much space as possible, padding and extending his scripts with bullshit just to get the job done. He seems to like the idea of being a writer better than actually being a writer and doing the work. And he probably thinks he's pretty good at his job since he made tons of money writing the X-men. I never read that shit although many people promise me that he wrote some really good stuff back then. If he did, he blew his load in the nineties and now he's resting on his nice, soft laurels full of X-men money. But I can't judge him on the stuff he wrote which I never read. His Hardy Boys Adventures might be where he's putting all of his effort but I'll probably never read those because everything I've read in The New 52 with his name on it has been asshole flavored. Plus, it's the Hardy Boys.

The story begins with Roy Harper dying of burn wounds. If he recovers, hopefully he'll have lost his ability to Narration Box.

I bet I won't believe the story! I certainly won't believe that DC published it!

Jason's story about the awesome thing that happened to Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper (that's the version of Roy Harper I hate! He's not totally unlikable on Arrow) begins where Issue #34 left off. Kori had just ditched Roy and Jason because they were controlling her life for her own good. They didn't want her to murder some man she had every reason to murder because they didn't believe she was a murderer. They couldn't see their vision of "their girl" blemished in any way, so they kept her from getting revenge on her former slave master. What a couple of douchebag hypocrites. Jason never would have stopped Roy from killing somebody Roy needed to kill! And Roy never would have stopped Jason from killing someone Jason wanted to kill! But Batman forbid Starfire stains her dainty little hands with vengeance.

The two decide that they need to get rid of the body and thankfully Roy Harper is a super genius that can invent anything that Scott Lobdell needs for his shitty plot to keep moving. So Roy developed an arrow that reads the DNA of a victim and then explodes but only destroys everything with the victim's DNA on it. Including his clothing. But not the grass that had his blood on it.

Why did you talk her out of her kill in the first place? Sexist assholes. Also, it's Twat Lobo. Get it right.

Back on the island, they find Kori as understanding as ever. I guess Space Heroin really chills a sister out.

Back in the hospital and back to the present, Oliver Queen visits Roy.

I don't get it. Where is a place he can't reach? On a high shelf?

Oliver Queen might be threatening to shove Jason's guns up Jason's ass but I don't think so. I can reach pretty far up my ass. I'm pretty sure I could retrieve a gun that was holstered there.

Back to Jason Todd's story before he runs afoul of copyright infringement (you know? Suddenly having the name Assholster when that name already belongs to a member of the Graveyard Faction), the Outlaws begin their search for the terrorist that tried to destroy Washington, DC, which, I'm assured by the editor, happened back in Red Hood and the Outlaws #33. Now I'm angry that I was forced to remember that issue!

Oh, you're not, Starfire. You are not the only one.

Roy Harper isn't quite as Batman-brilliant as Jason Todd seems to think he is if he's equating the hatred of a person for the government of a country with the geography and topography of said country. I'm not exactly sure how "I hate the American government!" and "I live in a swamp!" equates to cognitive dissonance. But then I'm not Batman-brilliant!

When is Roy Harper going to burn up like a jack-o-lantern?!

The Outlaws stumble upon a shack with a basement full of thugs boosted by some contraption full of drugs latched to their ankles. Jason Todd, having no experience with the dangers of muscle boosting drugs (why would he, amirite?!) or their possible horrible side effects, decides to remove a contraption from one thug to place on himself. Um. Is he not worried about sharing needles? I'm not even worried about the side effects from whatever drug he's injecting into his system now! I'm worried that Jason now has AIDS or Hepatitis C!

Kori flies off but not far enough way that Roy can't reach her on foot while running through a swamp. It's like she wanted to get caught shooting up with Space Heroin! Or she wanted to make sure Roy was nearby when she took off like a rocket and burned the ever loving Jesus out of him.

Ha ha! I don't even feel bad for laughing. Fuck Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell's overall scripting hasn't been as bad as it was when he was on Superman and Teen Titans. I can see a person of average intelligence quite liking this comic book. Or maybe just somebody that hasn't been reading everything Lobdell has written for the New 52 and thus doesn't feel like they've been shit upon month after month by this man. But the best compliment I can pay this comic book is to not drop it in rankings and say, "It's passable." It would be a fine dollar comic book read to distract a person from their mortality for a few minutes. But that DNA destroying arrow? And the trite characterization of Kori's change in personality because she's on Space Herion? And Green Arrow threatening to hold Jason's guns over his head as Jason ineffectually jumps up trying to snatch them out of Ollie's hands? And Jason Todd taking drug filled needles out of a stranger's leg and putting them in his own? I guess if you don't think about any of that stuff, this comic book is okay. But I can't not stop thinking about all of that idiocy. I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book.

Supergirl #35

Red Hood not written by Scott Lobdell? I can't wait to like him!

Why does Red Hood wear a leather jacket over his costume? Is it that cold in Metropolis? Is he in Antarctica visiting the Fortress of Solitude at its alternate location? Maybe it's not even a leather jacket. Is it made from human flesh? Oh, is human flesh leather? I bet psychos that love to wear other people's skin scare the hell out of their victims before slaughtering them so that the victim pisses themselves. Gets the tanning process started early.

Although I don't know how Jason Todd is going to skin Supergirl unless he has kryptonite infused blades. If he could manage to skin her, her skin would be a sexy bulletproof outfit though.

Hopefully, since this is a Doomed Aftermath issue and last issue was a Doomed issue but had nothing to do with Doomed because it was instead introducing that fuckpuke Michael...hopefully Jason Todd will murder Michael! How dare that asshole kiss my Kara!

Even Twat Lobo doesn't kill dogs! That Jason Todd is a beast! Except I'm sure by "take him out of the equation," he just means locked him in the laundry room.

Michael is wearing a Red Hood t-shirt, so I guess his budding relationship with Supergirl is over now that his real hero has arrived. Nice job, Red Hood! Tear these two apart! Michael is obviously no good for her! Remember how he kissed her without first getting written permission? The nerve of that asshole. He's practically a sex criminal!


Well, you are generally written by Scott Lobdell. So that puts you pretty high up on the creep meter.

Wait, wait! There's a nice bit in the next panel!

Who are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when Batman represents the center? Superman on the most powerful extreme and Aquaman on the least powerful extreme? Oh hey! Batman is normal!

Supergirl grabs Red Hood and flies through a window with him. The hypocrite from Gotham then asks her if she knows how much windows cost. As if Jason Todd isn't intimately familiar with the prices of repairing windows and skylights. Batman's triage plans most likely considers which crimes are happening at the bottom of the most expensive skylights. Then Wayne Enterprises Windows and Skylight Restoration Services rakes in the cash the next day!

Red Hood and Supergirl eventually get to the part of a Heroes Clash in Their First Encounter part of the encounter where they stop seeing each other as enemies and begin to work together. It only takes a couple of pages and the pages had entertaining dialogue, so my head didn't explode from anger at the use of the trope. But then, Tony Bedard has been one of those writers that is able to lift up a mediocre plot (not that I'm saying this one is mediocre! Yet!) by his dialogue. I really enjoyed his run on Blue Beetle and most of that was due to his characterization of whatever that kid's name was. I have mentioned how I suck with names right? At least I didn't make up a racist name for him like Miguel Miguela!

Anyway, Red Hood is in town because alien weapon runners have appeared in New York! He thinks they may be the same ones that Starfire and Superman defeated in a story that really went nowhere but at least allowed for Superman and Starfire to beat up on each other for an incessant number of pages.

Yeah! That Michael is a boring jerko dog molester! I really like this Jason Todd fellow! But it won't last since the next comic book on my stack is Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell.

Supergirl notices Jason Todd is inordinately strong and that he has some green goo running through his bloodstream. Is he on the Mira Kiru?! More likely it's just whatever gross bacterial infection he picked up from bathing in the Ultimate Lazarus Pit in Assassin City.

Red Hood uses some detective techniques that I never saw Fred or Velma use to discover the location where the alien weapons are being kept. Since DC has the rights to Scooby Doo, I think Marvel should make their own Scooby Doo comic book but with Marvel characters. Fred should be The Punisher. Daphne could be Black Widow. Velma could be Aunt May. Shaggy could be Deadpool. And Scooby Doo could be Pizza Dog. Or that dog with the tuning fork on his head. Or Deadpool's penis.

So the next part of the Super Hero Team-up continues when Jason Todd and Supergirl begin battling the alien demon people selling the weapons to Earth gangs.

I thought the same thing when my house was invaded by wasps. Although I couldn't figure out what I had done to enrage them.

Jason Todd and Supergirl defeat the alien threat and then Jason Todd pulls a Batman when Supergirl questions him on his inhuman strength. And by "pulling a Batman," I don't mean he told the woman he loved his secret identity so that she would wind up dead. I meant he slipped away undetected.

NO! Not "Good for you, Supergirl." Shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the fucking head right this instant, Jason Todd!

Supergirl #35 Rating: -500 Rankings. Tony Bedard is the worst Supergirl writer to ever have been conceived by sloppy drunk parents that should have known more about birth control! Here's what Tony Bedard needs to do if he wants better reviews. First, Michael needs to die in a thresher accident. Second, he needs to write into his script some art direction so these artists draw at least one clear picture of Supergirl's bum!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Teen Titans #3

But the party was just restarted.

When is Raven going to lose the feathered clam shell face look? It's ridiculously non-gothy, non-scary, and non-aesthetically pleasing! It's nons all the way down the checklist of reasons it kicks righteous face ass. Is face ass a thing?

It's time for some frank discussion of my sexuality, so all of you children should leave the room right now. I know I'm going to be talking about the Teen Titans, so it would seem like I should keep this particular commentary PG-13. But teenagers like reading about other people's kinks, especially when they've already been told to leave the room. So I'm actually writing this for you youngsters. Wink, wink!

And by "youngsters," I don't mean tweens or younger! Get the fuck out, you perverts! What are you trying to do? Get me in trouble with the law and/or an invite to NAMBLA?!

Looking at myself naked turns me on. My own cock turns me on. So, while I'm not gay, I'm pretty sure that if I time traveled back to meet my hot, twenty-one year old self, we would probably sixty-nine each other. That's not gay sex, right? That's just quantum masturbation. Boy, would I give it to myself hard!

Would it be wrong to go back to an underage tween version of myself and jerk each other off? Would that be against the law? As long as my younger self gave consent, right? Fuck that. Even if he didn't give consent, I'm him and I'm giving him consent! Although I was a dirty little bastard. Disgusting. It would have taken one grade A, seriously desperate child molester to have ever looked at me and thought anything sexual! There were times before junior high that I probably smelled like an exhumed corpse. I'm fairly certain I bathed just once a week maybe even into junior high. Probably right up until I got my first huge crush on Marilyn Mendoza and realized she might not be interested in a filthy, crotch-stinking greaseball. I bathed so infrequently that I remember once not being able to run because my crusty underwear had seriously chafed the inside of my thigh! Ugh. So gross. I take it all back. I would never go back in time to touch me. I wouldn't even want to look at past me. I make me sick! Or I made me sick! Or, I would make myself sick if I could go back in time to see myself when I was a way that would have made me sick!

Why do I tell these things to strangers?! I'd better just read Teen Titans now.

This issue begins with Raven raving! I'm so clever!

So Paul Pfeifer and Kenny Rockafart have decided to make Raven into a sexy little burnt goth biscuit. I suppose that's one way to go. I mean, it's the most typical way to go. Forget about how many kids turn to black clothing and dark make-up and angst-ridden music because they're actively avoiding human contact because other humans are shitty back-biting fuck monsters. They choose their look to actively resist looking like the mainstream, mind-numbed douchebags that roam the hall high-fiving each other while simultaneously whispering behind each others backs. There's nothing wrong with looking sexy as a goth! But I think that's generally the mainstream, pre-approved version of the goth. I guess it's okay to be weird and strange and removed and anti-what-have-you-got as long as the mainstream can look at you and think, "I'd hit that."

Ultimately, of course, being Goth is just another high school survival strategy. People wear uniforms in high school to attract like minded people to them just to fucking get by. I made friends with people I probably never would have simply because I sported a uniform that they were comfortable with. For me, it was long hair, rock t-shirts, and jeans. Although the benefits of the rocker/slacker look were multiple! Long hair? Just wash and go without worrying about styling it! T-shirts and jeans? All of them go together and they're all fucking comfortable. I suppose jeans could be uncomfortable but I always wore boot cut, baggy fit jeans. Never the kind that some rock stars preferred where you could count the number of cuts it took to perform their circumcision. So I was, by dint of my look, a member of the stoner subgroup. I was also a member of the overly nerdy kids in the way too smart, why are we even taking these classes in high school subgroup (well, I knew why I was taking Physics, anyway! I was taking Physics so I could get in to Great America free on Physics Day!). I was friends with most of them in junior high when I still stank and looked like a jerk, so most of them weren't all that surprised that a stoner was amongst them. I say stoner even though I didn't get stoned. I'm referring to myself as the others referred to me! You know, like Breakfast Club! Basically I was Eric from Head of the Class but with long, hippie locks and a penchant for Warhammer.

Anyway, as I was saying, Raven is currently sexy hot!

This is always so embarrassing when the band stops playing to point you out. I should apologize to everyone who went to the Concrete Blonde show at Dante's years ago for that time Johnette stopped playing, pointed at me, and said, "That guy in the 'T' really blew me away."

Meanwhile a mugger in the park tries to rob a green ostrich and a man in a purple leotard. Bunker kicks his ass and the guy deserves it. Who thinks they're going to pay rent by mugging an ostrich? Idiot!

Back at the concert, Algorithm interrupts everybody jockeying for position to get their tongue up Raven's asshole first. I think Raven was glad for it since she seems a bit uncomfortable with all of the attention. How do they all know her? How did this Dark Mistress band even know Raven existed so that they could form a band based on her? Raven hasn't exactly been a highlight of the Teen Titans. Although, it's hard to call any aspect of the previous Teen Titans run a "highlight." It's just that the lead singer of Dark Mistress has written a full album inspired by Raven! And none of the songs were called "Clam Shell Face" or "My Father Raped the Universe."

Well that seems like a bad decision.

I hope Raven's friends aren't busy fucking!

So would it be weird, knowing that Gar is human and all, to ask him to look like a panda as I fucked him? That is weird, right? Of course I'd ask him to look like a female panda! I'm not gay!

Surprisingly, none of the Teen Titans are fucking each other. So they all head on over to rescue Raven even though Raven could have had some demigods fighting at her side.

On the plus side, Algorithm totes fits in at this club.

The Teen Titans bust through the wall like the Kool Aid Man because doors? What the fuck are doors?

When Wonder Girl hears from Bunker that Algorithm is a robot, she realizes she can go for the kill shot and smashes the fuck out of Algorithm's face and sentience and ego and individuality. I am so sick and tired of all of this artificial intelligence discrimination! Why is it okay to end something's ego just because it is made of metal and wires? The DC Universe is a strange and wonderful place and it's prejudiced bullshit to believe that you can smash any robot to splinters even when that robot has already shown a modicum of free will and sentience. Plus, why would Cassie simply trust Bunker's assessment? Did he graduate from I Can Spot A Robot Montessori School? I highly doubt it! They don't allow foreigners to register.

Why don't you just shit on her while you're at it, Beast Boy? She's just a robot.

Okay fine. Even though I'm appalled that they just murdered a robot, I did enjoy that panel above. If Marcus To taught me one thing after that time I eviscerated his cover of a Batwing book, it's that I should probably say something nice on occasion! No wait. I think I taught myself that! Marcus To just taught me that creators might actually sometimes read this stuff and when they do, they'll probably read it out of context. They generally miss the forest for the hyperbole. Although Gail Simone seemed to get me! She's weird!

After the incident, Algorithm reforms and heads back to her bosses, Manchester Black and Josiah Power. They're a bunch of sneaky bastards working for STAR Labs to ruin STAR Labs from the inside. Or to take it over. Or to rob a bank. Or to rule the world. Or to crush the Teen Titans. You know, I'm not too proud to point out that I don't know what their motivations are. That may have been mentioned in Issue #2 but that was published way back in August! Am I supposed to remember anything from it?

While the lazier Titans recover over breakfast, Red Robin hits the investigation trail! If there's one thing Batman ever taught him, it was to find all of the clues! I wonder if Batman would say, "Do you see something that could have killed this man? Do you? Is it near me? Am I getting warm? Is it this?" Then he'd pick up a salt shaker and shake it until it's brains fell out while pausing long enough for the kids at home to shout, "NO!"

While looking for clues, Red Robin is attacked and beaten by Algorithm!

No fair! Even his teammates don't know his secret identity! Okay, maybe they do although I still think the time Red Robin called Cassie and it came up on her phone as "Tim" was a mistake by Kenny Rockafart.

Teen Titans #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's so much better than the old series but only in the way that the old series was written by a hack and this series actually feels like the Teen Titans I remember from when I was much, much younger and actually liked reading their books.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Justice League #35

Do any criminals in the DC Universe still rob banks?

I'd like to begin by thanking DC Comics for publishing two issues of Justice League and two issues of Wonder Woman this month because it was really fucking bothering me that they were on issue #34 while everybody else was on #35. Except for all those later generation comic books. Those things are all over the place.

Last issue, Grodd lactated all over Metropolis while battling Superman and Lex Luthor. It looks like Grodd's titty milk is a Level 5 Biohazard (that's if Level 5 is the highest in the imaginary biohazard ranking I just made up).

Somebody needs to judge those who do or else those who do will continue to think that those who don't find comic books written by Scott Lobdell acceptable.

It's rather annoying how often thin-skinned creators lash out at people who criticize their work, especially with this idea that people criticizing their shit are lazy, unimaginative, bitter assholes that can't create art themselves. Okay, so I accept I'm bitter. But I think creators need to realize that people do things that they enjoy. And some people deconstruct comic books in a hyperbolic manner instead of writing comic books because they enjoy critiquing things more than they enjoy creating the types of things they enjoy critiquing. Understand, J.T. Krul? I mean, Scott Lobdell? I mean, Geoff Johns? Yes, you happen to get paid for writing comic books and television shows and believing in Aquaman. But that only works if you're good at what you do (or if you can cultivate a fandom so that they'll buy anything that involves a character they love no matter how long it is written by Scott Lobdell). And even artsy fartsy creators need to be know when they're just jerking off the donkey and calling it a finished script. I will agree that it depends on the level of criticism and the effort put into it as to whether it's worthy of value on its own merit. Somebody posting online with "Geoff Johns sucks!" probably isn't adding anything of value to the comic book community. But if they say "Geoff Johns sucks because he wrote Lex Luthor acknowledging that it's hard for normal human beings to find a way to save the world because they're not heroes. And since he was in the same boat and felt the same way, he found a way to help! He joined the Justice League and became a hero! Wait, how does that help again? Thanks for the advice, asshole!"

Oh wait! He goes on!

That's communist talk!

Just like me, always jumping to conclusions and inserting my own digital narcissistic individuality into the conversation! How silly of me to think I'm a unique snowflake with a perspective that might have something to add!

Okay fine. I admit it! I don't have anything positive to add to our cultural conversation about making the world a better, kinder, gentler, nicer place! I guess I'll just shut up and go back to reading my comic books which aren't all about violence and women in skimpy outfits and narcissistic individualistic writers that can't stand it when somebody points out they're not very good at their job.

Anyway, Lex is saying all of this at a public press conference, so you know it's all lies. So, um, good job, Geoff Johns! This is exactly the type of bullshit Lex wants people to think he believes. It's also the kind of bullshit Bruce Wayne wants people to think he believes as well so that they never question why he's making so much money every time Batman cleans up part of Gotham and the area becomes gentrified. How have no investors not noticed that dangerous areas of Gotham where Bruce Wayne has purchased lots and lots of cheap real estate soon become targeted by Batman for cleanup? Are they not paying attention? If anybody could figure out Bruce Wayne was Batman, it should be the real estate flip floppers!

Bruce Wayne and Lex Luthor have now become partners. And by "partners," I mean two billionaires trying to steal as many ideas from the other billionaire so that they can crush them under their gold plated boot.

It's always a good idea to discuss secret identities and Justice League business out of costume in a huge crowd of people. It's probably not as good an idea for Clark Kent to be seen with Wonder Woman, even if she is in her sunglasses disguise.

Luthor begins to win over the crowd so Bruce Wayne bawls like a baby recounting a story about his parents because God forbid Lex Luthor steal any attention away from Bruce Wayne.

The entire Justice League are hanging out in civilian clothes ready for Bruce's word that he's found some of Lex's dirty diapers. Is that what you call criminal business activity?

For some reason, Aquaman is stationed on the roof. Probably because he brought the trident on a covert stakeout. Or because Cyborg just really wanted to say that Arthur will "dive in" if he's needed.

He won't be needed.

Lex gives Bruce the tour as Bruce desperately finds some evidence to punch Lex in the face.

"Look at all the shit I can use to kill Superman! I mean, um, Zod!"

Lex has a point. Superman keeps an awful lot of dangerous bullshit in his Antarctic Arctic Fortress just because he can. Hell, he doesn't even keep it locked up and safe anymore! Now he's off giving fossil fuel dependent monster plants to his girlfriend! Superman isn't a menace because he may one day turn on the human race. Superman is a menace because he's a careless, irresponsible asshole.

The tour is interrupted by a person named Neutron breaking into LexCorps and trying to kill Lex Luthor. Or he was just a distraction paid by Lex to interrupt the tour before Batman found that super duper illegal something that Lex is obviously hiding from everybody.

There it is! Right there, Batman! Arrest him! Arrest him now!

Justice League #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is far more interesting with Lex Luthor as a member of the team.

Batman Loves Superman #15

Felix Faust did this trick years ago, Satan's Anus.

My moods shift too quickly! I had something gnawing at my brain that I wanted to rant about and then I got distracted by something that I can't even remember distracted me now and I can't remember what I wanted to spew venom at! Also, I'm not mad at anything because I forgot what I wanted to be mad at! It was probably Greg Pak and his stupid Satan's Anus character. Sure, sure. I know he didn't invent Satan's Anus. I think Dante invented that. But Pak didn't invent the character either. He just changed some letters in his name and then set him up in a hole orbiting Earth.

It's also possible I never actually had anything in mind to rant about and I'm just wasting time so I don't have to read this stupid story. I should be more like that character in Memento. I can tattoo my body with "facts" and write other "facts" on Polaroids so that I can constantly manipulate myself into being entertaining. I can just glance at my body and scream, "OH YEAH! FUCKING JOURNALISTS! FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THEIR ASS FACES!"

Jesus Christ. Who knew ears could grow so much of their own hair?! Fucking aging is bullshit.

Here's a picture of Judas hanging out with me because I'm still avoiding reading Batman Loves Superman #15.

This issue begins, just like that last couple, with Satan's Anus having a discussion with Caillou the Chaosbringer. They're playing a trick on Batman and Superman by taking away their memories so that, hopefully, Lois Lane will fuck Batman and Superman will fuck Catwoman.

What kind of a shitty chaos bringer follows rules?!

"All they have to do is want to remember"? That's bullshit, Caillou, and you know it! So Bruce approaching Alfred and asking him how to remember to be Batman again so he can save lives doesn't qualify for wanting to remember? And Superman asking the Toyman for answers to who Superman is supposed to be isn't either? Well, okay. I buy that one. Why ask Toyman?! What the fuck does that asshole know? Although Superman has lost his memory, so why shouldn't he believe just anybody in the DC Universe can tell him who he is?

I think Batman has already remembered but he's just using his amnesia to try to get into Lois Lane's underwear.

He probably doesn't even care about fucking her. He just wants to be able to lord it over Clark Kent.

Batman dresses up Lois Lane in a Batgirl outfit which proves that he definitely still hasn't recovered his memory because if they fuck while she's wearing that, things are going to get weird.

So is this the main reason Greg Pak wrote this story? So Bruce and Lois can fuck while Selina and Clark superfuck? I'm fairly certain this story exists in about five thousand other places online. How come Greg Pak is being paid to write awful fan fiction? I expect middling to decent fan fiction when I read professionally published comic books!

Meanwhile Superman and Catwoman and the Gotham SWAT Team are running around Gotham blowing up robots. Superman doesn't want to remember who he is because he was a pathetic loser before now. Now, he's a guy running around without a shirt watching cops beat the shit out of bad guys. Or possible bad guys. Or, you know, whomever. He hasn't even made a move on Catwoman! I guess Superman's got a bit of a violence kink.

Superman turns into that power hungry madman that everybody constantly expects him to become because it's the most boring thing a writer can write. I suppose Greg Pak heard that whole "Absolute power is next to godliness" or whatever that was on that ceramic thing hanging in my Grandmother's bathroom. Oh! I remember. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So trite, boring writers remember somebody once said that (I think it was Hamilton Berger from Perry Mason) and then they snap their fingers and say, "Gee whiz! Superman has absolute power! I bet he'd really be corrupted!" Then they write bullshit nonsense like this where people have to convince Superman not to be absolutely corrupted because hugs or something.

"I think I always remembered better when Batgirl was giving me a blow job!"

No Memory Batman realizes all he has to do to remember is to remember! But what of his love for Lois Lane?! Will he forget that he wanted to put her vagina in his mouth? Yeah, probably. Greg Pak's main plot is to make his characters forget the stories he writes about them. Which is good because most of the stories he writes about them are awful messes.

Why would Batman also be thinking, "Maybe if I kiss him, I can recognize who he is if I've ever kissed him outside of his costume and then publish Batman's identity and win a Pulitzer and be lauded with fame and fortune?"

Batman remembers everything that has ever happened to him plus some other things as well. Like he remembers Batgirl lying in a puddle of blood for some reason. Even in The New 52, I thought Barbara Gordon, not Batgirl, was shot by The Joker? Oh well, Batman remembers things from a perspective outside his own body anyway, so that distracts me from the whole Batgirl thing and weirds me the fuck out. Although, maybe I do remember my own memories as if they're were shot by a camera crew! Let me think about when I lost my virginity. Don't worry, it'll only take a few seconds. Let's see...nope. I don't remember it from an outside angle or with any dignity. Although almost immediately afterward, I did admire myself naked in a bathroom mirror to see if I had actually changed in any significant way, so that's kind of like remembering the experience from an outside perspective! Also, I only remember changing in one way: I was hungry afterward.

Next Superman remembers everything that happened to him! He remembers tragedy and loss and learning about his indestructible blanket. Why didn't either of these guys remember fucking people?! I totally would have remembered that time at that party at Chris Humphrey's house when I was trying to play poker and that girl kept sliding her hand into the hole in my sweats. Although before that, when we were at my cousin's house and we were all outside getting into cars to head to Chris's house, the girl's friend came up to me and got really close and smelled really good and she was so cute and she said, "Do you think my friend's cute?" and I didn't say, "No, I think you're cute." I said, "'s your friend?" And her friend wasn't as cute and didn't smell as good as the first girl. Man! Why didn't I pursue the first girl? Also, I don't remember their names because this was a long time ago and I didn't really interact with them much past that night.

Okay fine. I dated the girl who kept molesting me while I was playing poker and I can't remember her name! I broke up with her on the phone when she said, "Just tell me if you never want to see me again." So I said, "I never want to see you again." And she said something like "You don't know how much you're hurting me" or something but I was already saying "Goodbye" and hanging up the phone. To add some context so that phone call doesn't make me look like an absolute monster, she did have sex with me without my consent! We were sexual but we had not engaged in the act of fornication because (and this will show how young I was at the time) I believed having sex is what made a girl fall in love with you! And I knew I wasn't interested in anything long term, so we mostly just got ourselves really worked up by groping and rubbing and making out. Then she would make some kind of comment about how many calories are in sperm but not do anything about it because she would hint that she wanted me to give her oral pleasure but I really was pretty lost when it came to "hints" and "signals" and "not saying exactly what you fucking want." Plus there was probably a pretty good chance I had already came in my pants and just wasn't interested anymore. Anyway, we fell asleep in my bed one night and I woke up to her on top me. You know, fucking me. Now, I didn't say no! I went with it. I'm just pointing out that it began without my consent!

Okay, fine! That entire story still makes me out to be a bastard. I never said I was a great human being! I was young and enjoying being pursued by whatever few women would pursue me and let me know I was being pursued by them by saying, "I am interested in you." Seriously, I pretty much needed to be hit by a train to know when somebody was interested in me.

Wow. This comic book really must be boring if it's getting me to tell sex stories that aren't flattering to me!

Also, I should apologize for the lack of detail in my sex stories. But what do you think this is? Sexblog Smut Central?

Did...did...did these two fuck each other?

After Batman and Superman remember who they are, they slink off embarrassed about how they acted. Then Satan's Anus takes the caged Caillou Chaosbringer into his nether realm so that they can fuck with Batman and Superman again at a later date. If Greg Pak hasn't been fired before that later date.

Batman Loves Superman #15 Rating: -3 Ranking. I did enjoy Greg Pak and Jae Lee's initial run on this series which is why it is still ranked so high. That story also used memory loss as a plot point but that was before I knew it was Greg Pak's crutch. Ever since that first story, this book has been sliding downhill fast.

Batman and Robin #35

Why is Batman standing in Kalibak's toilet?

So this reporter on 60 Minutes last Sunday was being a real fucking douchebag to a scientist that was just trying to cure hereditary conditions using genome therapy. But she didn't give a shit about that aspect of the story. She kept grilling him about how this technology is going to be used irresponsibly. "When are you going to use it for superficial changes? I know you will! You're a business! You're going to do it. Just tell me when you're going to do it. Tell me when you're going to play God." But he just kept repeating to this asshole that he's only interested in using the technology for the purposes he already explained to her and that while the technology was under his control, it wouldn't be used to produce made to order babies for super controlling parents.

By the way, why attack the scientist? If this technology exists, people are going to use it however they can. Attack the asshole parents that are going to insist on a straight son with no physical handicaps with blond hair and blue eyes and make sure he's over six feet tall and can you program him to love me and want to be the high school quarterback?! Parents try to force their kids to be what they want them to be after they're born; just imagine how many are going to want to pre-program their children to be exact duplicates of themselves? Leave the scientist alone! He's trying to do good shit! And even if he eventually decides to take money from some control freak parents to produce a baby to their exact specifications, so what? This is America, dammit! And last I checked, we're a capitalist country! So don't tell people that they can't make custom babies just because it weirds you out a little bit!

While I'm pissed off at 60 Minutes because it pretends to be above bullshit journalism but it really only deals in feel good human interest stories, how about we all stop accusing science of "playing God." God isn't a thing! Science is science! And science can do whatever scientists can get it to do and guess what? They're never playing God! They're playing scientist! How come nobody ever accuses parents of playing God? How dare you create life! That's God's job, you arrogant bastards!

Why doesn't somebody (a gathering of religious leaders from various religions, perhaps?) just come up with a list once and for all of things science should never be allowed to do because it would be "playing God." I think performing CPR is too much like what Jesus did for that Lazarus guy, so that should be out. Any resuscitation of any kind should be outlawed as "playing God." Once somebody dies, they're gone! Stop resurrecting people, doctors and scientists and part-time lifeguards! I think breeding dogs is too close to "playing God" as well. Stop with the creating new breeds of dogs, you bastards! You're going to bring God's wrath down on our heads! If he had wanted their to be Labradoodles, they would have been on the ark with Noah. Any kind of orgasm should be right out! No way in hell mankind should have the power to make people feel this good! That has to be a godly power.

There are probably a lot more (like mixing peanut butter with chocolate) but I'll be here all day thinking up things we should stop doing. There's just so many of them!

Um, anyway, Batman is currently on Apokolips looking for his dead, gay son. Whoops. Sorry. Lines from Heathers just constantly leak out of my head. Nothing I can do about it.

The lowlies of Apokolips have one, brief moment of joy as Batman murders their parademon captors.

While Batman searches for Godfrey, the man that stole his son's corpse and once told Earth that super heroes were assholes, Alfred finally does a job I've been asking to see for nearly a year! Peter J. Tomasi must have finally heard my complaints.

Even if Damian hadn't been killed, Alfred always knew this would eventually be his job.

Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, and Tim Drake return because they thought maybe they heard Dick's voice just now? Wasn't that Dick? Also, they were hoping to catch Batman before he left to make sure he understood what they meant by no secrets. Does he know what a secret is? Does he know what the word "no" means? Also, they've decided that they should get to go to Apokolips too. How come Batman's the only one that gets to risk his life around here?

I like to believe that "Batmam" is not a typo. So cheeky, Batgirl!

The Bat Kids enjoy some time with Damian's pets while they think up a way to convince Cyborg to BOOM Tube them to Apokolips. Alfred suggests they use Batman's secret Cyborg weapon against Cyborg (or, being that this is Alfred we're talking about, he's just giving it to the Bat Kids to trade it to Cyborg for safe passage). I would just approach Cyborg and say, "Dude! It'd totes rock to take an awesome trip to Apokolips! Let's YOLO this shit, motherfucker! Teens rock!" And Cyborg will be all, "Oh yeah! That's right! I'm practically just a kid too! I forget being that I'm on this totally grown up league and not that little pissant bullshit Teen Titans group! No offense, Tim!" And Tim would be, "Totally offended, dude! Asshole! Metal dick!" And Cyborg will be all, "Not cool! Hey! Want to play some Yu-Gi-Oh later?" And Tim will be all, "Shut the front door! Hells yeah!" And Cyborg will be all, "Tubular! Cat's pajamas! Groovy! Hip to the lingo, buddy-o?!" And Batgirl will be all, "Shaw! Like, gag me with a spoon, all right?" And Jason Todd will be all, "Pip pip!" And Alfred will be all, "Get the fuck out of the cave and go save your father figure already, you dumb cunts!"

I hope I got the teen speak down! I've been taking an online course called "Scott Lobdell Teaches Older Than Fuck People How To Write Realistic Teenagers." I hope I got my money's worth!

But Alfred won't let the kids leave until they've talked to Batwoman to make sure she's protecting the city and not too busy with her lesbian stuff.

Why isn't Tomasi writing all of the Bat Books?!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, it looks like Darkseid has been out for the count ever since the Justice League kicked his ass five or six or seven years ago. Kalibak is in charge of things which must be why nobody has noticed Highfather getting up to no good looking for the Life Equation over in the universe that kicked Kalibak's dad's ass. Kalibak believes the Chaos Crystals Godfrey brought back to Earth will help restore Darkseid to power. But he doesn't realize that the Jeezly Crow Batman is right around the corner!

I only scanned this picture because Alfred and Batcow have not been in enough comics since they were introduced.

Instead of being honest with Cyborg and making friends with him since they're all about the same age, they decide to trick and betray him, ensuring that he'll never feel comfortable around them again. Fucking white assholes. I hope Cyborg kicks each of their asses in their own titles in the next few months.

Maybe next time, feel bad before frying his brains. And then approach him for his help in a friendly manner with lots and lots of hot dogs and root beer.

The Bat Kids suit up in Robin outfits and then Batgirl finishes molesting Cyborg. He BOOOMS and the kids are off to Apokolips! But before they can leave, Cyborg wakes up and charges into the tube after them! Titus hitches a ride on Cyborg's ankle as well. I had a feeling Titus would make the trip. Poor Alfred Pennyworth Cat and Batcow. They never get to go anywhere.

Currently on Apokolips, Batman has finally battled his way to confront Godfrey.

Hey! I said "pissant" earlier too!

Is it just a coincidence that "pissant" and "puissant" are basically antonyms?

During the confrontation with Godfrey, Batman makes it clear that he hasn't been murdering Godfrey's Justifiers. But he still might have been killing the parademons, right? Didn't the Justice League determine it was okay to kill them? Bah, I suppose even if Batman just incapacitated them, Red Hood is right on his heels probably putting bullets in everything's brains.

When Cyborg and Titus arrive just after the Bat Kids, Cyborg says, "Fuck you, dicks. Now let's go save Batman!" And Batgirl is all, "It was Red Hood's idea! He's a huge racist!"

And then Kalibak fires the newly armed Robin Death Beam, blowing up some planet full of people that have never mattered. Unless Grant Morrison decides to write a story from the doomed planet people's point of view that is full of weirdness and angst and more weirdness and some stuff that seems to make sense but probably doesn't but god forbid anybody admits to not understanding the story and looking like a right arsehole.

Batman and Robin #35 Rating: +1 Ranking! Except Batman and Robin is already my favorite comic book. Except it's not my favorite comic book! It just somehow wound up in the #1 spot! I think my favorite comic book is Swamp Thing. Unless it's Red Lanterns. No wait! It's, no, that's about it. My real favorites were all cancelled ages ago. I MISS YOU ETRIGAN!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Trinity of Sin #1

Yay! Time for some bad characterizations and pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

As you can tell by the caption above, I'm not exactly hyped about this Trinity of Sin comic book. J.M. DeMatteis had far more misses than hits during his Phantom Stranger run and I don't even remember who was writing Pandora. Was it DeMatteis too? Or Ray Fawkes? Whatever. Unless this comic book comes at these characters from a new angle, I can't be bothered to care about how the Powers That Be are punishing and torturing them for no reason. And none of them are just flipping off God or the Council of Wizards or Whatever Capitalized Name the Manipulator Goes By and just walking the fuck away from it all. Judas did nothing that wasn't expected of him. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Pandora did nothing with any malice or ill will. Punishing curiosity is a dick move, Council of Wizards. And The, well, I don't know about him. He might be a complete asshole. Right now he's a cypher. Which might be a synonym for asshole.

I do have to give Pandora credit for having the best outfit out of everyone in The New 52. Hell, all three of these Sinners are pretty swank! Although I don't like that The Phantom Stranger is encouraging people to wear capes and fedoras. That might be a decent reason to punish him for eternity.

The issue begins with some light sensitive bacteria Narration Boxing about how he lived through a beautiful age of darkness (some call this "night") only to suddenly have his kin wiped out by an eternity of light (some call this "day"). But eventually, after all but he were wiped out (he must be the 0.01% of bacteria that antibacterial soap can't kill), another unending age of darkness was upon him (again, "night")! But this time, the darkness called out to him! Called his name! "Nimraa," it whispered in that sexy, husky voice darkness always uses, "My servant. It's time." And that was when Nimraa climbed up into somebody careless enough to use a public toilet seat without wiping it down or putting down a toilet cover's anal fissure to destroy the world!

Get out your heavy ponchos! Here comes the pseudo-philosophical bullshit!

From now on whenever I'm at a restaurant, I'm going to ask the server, "Who am I?" I guess they'll realize I'm inquiring about the specials by tone and inflection?

The Question has no idea who he is even though he's been asking "Who am I?" for about two thousand years now. Nobody seems to know the answer. Or they keep answering some other question they think he's actually asking.

I suppose this means The Trinity of Sin is going to run fifty-two issues before revealing the identity of The Question? Or will The Question be The New 52's version of the Preboot Phantom Stranger where he had lots of possible origins but they never really nailed down who he was?

Also, there's no way this series will make it to issue #52!

This issue is called "The Wages of Sin, Part One: Nightfall." I would have called it "Sinchronicity!" (with the exclamation point so the reader knows, right off the bat, that it's going to be exciting). Or maybe I'd call it "Sinesthesia." Oh! I know! "Punishment Not Intended!" That's a pun on "pun not intended" and speaks to the punishments given to people that don't deserve them!

Anyway, The Question just found out that his landlady is actually a landfourarmedbullcreature. And rent is due!

A thousand questions that all happen to be the same question: Who am I?!

I guess this kind of thing kept happening to The Phantom Stranger and Pandora, issue after issue, so it's about time The Question had to deal with other worldly entities masquerading as human beings. I just have one question. Who am I?

Meanwhile The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen are battling a gigantic green poltergeist in Golden Gate Park. Fucking poltergeists ruin the park for everybody. No wait. I'm thinking of teenagers.

Oh! The Phantom Stranger meant teenager as well!

The Stranger sends this kid to heaven where, according to "You Never Give Me Your Money," all children should go. Then Terrence is stabbed through the chest by a flaming sword wielded by a life-sized He-man action figure. It's a serpent headed woman. I know it's a woman because it has boobs even though a female serpent has no use for boobs. They'd just get in the way while slithering about.

While The Question battles the Landminotaur, and The Phantom Stranger battles Snakewoman, Pandora enjoys a day at the beach in Southern India, thanks to a suggestion from her baby lover, Marcus. He's a baby and her lover, not a lover of babies. Unless he's a bit older than that. However old he currently is, it's too young for Pandora! Anyway, I guess she'll be fighting some kind of dolphin king soon. Or a Monkeyphant!

Darn. I was really hoping for the Monkeyphant.

The Trinity are nearly defeated but Pandora does some kind of hocus pocus and all three of them rise up to defeat the monsters attacking them. And then they all appear in Southern India thinking about maybe teaming up for awhile. Three characters in a book triples the amount of fans willing to torrent this book! I mean, buy this book! Just think of all The Question fans that can't wait to...oh wait. I think most of those are Renee Montoya fans. Oh well, The Phantom Stranger and Pandora can probably account for eight thousand books per month. Hopefully The Question can be mysterious enough to cover the rest and keep them out of cancellation territory for longer than eight issues.

I doubt it though.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus died for our sins! He died to prevent suffering! He died because The Stranger betrayed him! Ipso facto addendum: The Phantom Stranger has prevented human suffering! And, well, Pandora gave the world hope. Which, admittedly, The Question hates. And which, admittedly again, probably causes quite a bit of suffering when it dies. So fine. Fuck Pandora.

The Question runs off to pout while The Stranger decides to investigate so that he can rescue Terrance Thirteen's soul. Pandora decides to get into The Phantom Stranger's backseat and jabber incessantly like a raving asshole.

The Damnated Duo follow the mystic clues up into space where they encounter the source of all of their troubles: Quackers the Cosmic Devil Duck.

If I were a cynical person, I'd think this entire comic book had been created to sell action figures.

Trinity of Sin #1 Rating: I guess I'm kind of interested in The Question's background but not enough to continue buying a comic book that will no doubt string the reader along for many, many issues instead of revealing anything about him. And I was interested in The Phantom Stranger but his previous series killed most of my curiosity towards him. But Pandora is cute and dresses nicely and shoots big guns, so I guess I'm still kind of interested in her. But this series doesn't have a lot to offer with its premier issue, so I'm going to rank it down in the forties for now. I do have one question and it isn't any form of "Who am I?" It's how do you pronounce Yvel Guichet's name? Evil Goose shit?