Inferior 5 #2

How is this not an Ambush Bug comic book?

Sometimes when you rewatch every episode of The Twilight Zone, as I'm doing slowly, you laugh at the things people believed in the Fifties and mock Rod Serling for being such a pathetic, lonely, needy auteur. And other times, you watch an episode like "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" and you are reminded to think, "Oh fuck. Yeah. Society hasn't changed a fucking bit. What are we doing? Rod Serling was a pathetic, lonely, needy genius!" This isn't my review of "The Monsters are Due on Maple Street" because I haven't rewatched that one yet. But you know why I'm talking about it if you actually read the words on the cover I just scanned. The other episode that's a stark reminder of the hell we're living in is "Living Doll." Fuck that doll. Can't a grown man hate his stupid step-daughter without being thrown down the stairs and killed?

I won't be watching another episode of The Twilight Zone until tonight. Until then, I'm going to read Inferior 5 and also spend about four hours at work because my fucking asshole boss won't let me take every single day off. Also I'm my own boss. Self-hatred is a thing we find funny in the 21st century, right? Ha ha! I'm a piece of shit and I know it!

And that's why the Inferior 5 were so ahead of their time! They knew they sucked in the Sixties and were okay with it! What a perfect segue into this comic book! I hope it doesn't get interrupted by another digression!

You know, I've had serious thoughts about doing a review blog where I review all of my old blogs. If I didn't think this current blog wasn't already too niche and mostly written just for myself, I'd seriously consider doing the next level blog that would alienate everybody still reading this one. Possibly even me!

Oh, um, so Lisa and her weird friend who has totally convinced everybody that she's not an alien by constantly reminding them that she's not an alien have finally made contact with the kid from Metropolis. His mother was recently killed by canvas-headed Billy Shanker. That means he's been irreversibly pulled into the plot of this comic book. You know who else is being pulled into the plot of this comic book that gives me hope that Ambush Bug might eventually be as well?

Brother Power the Geek!

I immediately realized this was Brother Power the Geek because I'm constantly looking for references to Brother Power the Geek in DC comic books. Also, I'm sticking with my guess that the mysterious guy in the hazmat suit is Ambush Bug. It might also be Jonni DC except the shape isn't exactly right. Unless she's no longer round because her body updates along with the DC logo.

Hazmat Bug leaves Brother Power to meet up with Jenny Shanker, Billy's canvas-headed little sister. She doesn't have a red X on her face so maybe she's not super terrible. She just has a creepy smile. And instead of repeating nursery rhymes about cats lying about their winter wear, she simply repeats names. Not great but definitely not as scary.

Billy is currently making friends with either a parademon or a roided out Ambush Bug.

Billy winds up possessing Ambush Bug Hulk and loping off into the desert talking about kittens and pie. I could have worded that differently so that it sounded super dirty.

Billy Ambush Bug attacks Justin (the kid from Metropolis who is probably Merry Maker), Lisa (who must be The Blimp?), and her weird friend Helen who must be White Feather. Awkward Man and Dumb Bunny are probably off making out behind the record store right now. Later, we'll see Dumb Bunny with a look of shame on her face and Awkward Man trying to catch a glimpse of himself in every window he passes to see if he's physically changed in the way he feels he has after losing his virginity. You know how long I looked at my naked self in a mirror after I lost my virginity? Probably pretty long because I was fucking hot in my twenties. I mean at fifteen!

Okay, I guess I don't have to pretend Helen is human to save her reputation among her friends. I was just trying to keep a secret for once in my life.

You know how people will sometimes tell you something but then they give you a list of certain people that can't know the information they've just told you? Yeah, fuck that. I don't keep a data base in my head of who can know what things I've been told. I've told everybody I know straight up: "If you have information you don't want somebody else to know, don't fucking tell it to me. Because I will fuck up. Like that time my friend Brent told me how his girlfriend Simone had a dream where she had me hide in the closet so that I could watch them have sex. And then at a beer festival where we were all hanging out, I brought up the dream to Simone. And then Simone looked at Brent like she was going to flay him alive. And I just kept drinking my beer and thinking, 'Well, Brent, you should have known better!'"

Hazmat Ambush Bug calls off Billy Ambush Bug because his threats against Justin and Lisa do not cause any meta-genes to activate. I mean metal-genes. Just because the characters in this story from 1988 don't know that the mega-genes are actually metal-genes, it doesn't mean I have to pretend ignorance.

Lisa explains to Justin that there are only five kids in Dangerfield, Arizona, and the fifth one keeps getting killed. Justin is the new fifth one and he seems to be so sub-par that Hazmat Ambush Bug's boss has decided not to have him killed. So Billy Ambush Bug heads off to put his canvas bag back on his stupid head.

I can smell the sex all over them!

And then a revelation: Billy and Jenny Shanker might be Brother Power's children!

Meanwhile, the Dominator trying to create a sleeper cell to renew the invasion of Earth has Justin's mother (who isn't as dead as I thought, I guess?). Contrary to what Hazmat Ambush Bug believed, the Dominator thinks that Justin's metal-gene was activated by the encounter with Billy Ambush Bug. But since he doesn't care about anything happening in Dangerfield, Arizona, he ignores the new information. Which he'll probably regret later because the Inferior 5 are going to rise up and save the world! Probably by accident.

In the Peacemaker back-up, we learn that Peacemaker's helmet can talk. Or Peacemaker's head wound received during Crisis on Infinite Earths makes him think it can talk. Either way, he's leaving Russia to go investigate Dangerfield, Arizona. But he won't be going alone! Unbeknownst to him, KGBeast is tracking him!

Inferior 5 #2 Final Thoughts: All you need to know about me as a comic book fan is that I prefer Keith Giffen's art to Jim Lee's or David Finch's or Tony S. Daniel's or Bryan Hitch's or John Romita Jr's (but, I mean, who doesn't in that case, amirite?!). And I also like the way Giffen tells a story. He doesn't give it all over easily. He doesn't explain every single thing in narration boxes. He lets the characters talk and he lets the action play out and he doesn't give a shit if the reader has to put in a little work to figure out what's going on. I despise people who want easy to read stories! Which is good because those people probably like Scott Lobdell and I'm happy to be a person who despises fans of Scott Lobdell.

Inferior 5 #1

Hopefully this will be like when Giffen made the Legion of Super-heroes super fucking dark.

I have no fucking idea how the Inferior 5 fit into regular DC Continuity. They have to be from a different Earth, right? Earth Number This Is Fucked Up, probably. Dumb Bunny, Awkwardman, Blimp, White Feather, and Merrymaker make up the main roster of a team nobody was looking to have rebooted. I get it. They're so terrible that even they accept that they're terrible and so they came up with a self-deprecating name. I would have had Dumb Bunny come up with the name and they would be called the Inferior 4. But then I like jokes that are often seen as confusing or mistakes on my part when the reader, being so fucking smugly intelligent, isn't able to resist correcting everything they fucking read.

After their initial appearance and follow-up stories in Showcase back in the Sixties, the Inferior 5 never really took off. They had a maxi-series and then a few odd appearances that didn't last for more than a panel. I probably have a few of those appearances since one of them was the Oz-Wonderland war and another was in Grant Morrison's Animal Man. But DC, being so far up their own ass, was probably too afraid to touch the Inferior 5 for decades because they were too silly. I know DC tried to "make comics fun again!" in the 80s with titles like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle and Blue Devil. But those were real super heroes that weren't complete embarrassments. You can add humor to real superhero action and still feel like you've retained your dignity. But how can you publish something with a dumb blonde named Dumb Bunny who probably fucks like crazy (because of the rabbit theme and not the dumb blonde theme!) and a guy named Awkwardman who inherited a trait from his mother, a water hero, who had to "get wet" occasionally to stay alive? I know that's also an Aqualad trait but I just wanted to mention how the Who's Who explicitly mentioned Awkwardman's mother needing to get wet. So hot.

One of The Inferior 5's appearances was in The New 52's Bat-Mite #5 which I reviewed exactly inferior five years ago ("inferior five" is four).

The issue begins in a desert landscape on Earth Number This Is Fucked Up with some oddly shaped landscapes.

How many dicks can you find, kids?!

"How many dicks can you find, kids" is the least quotable line I've ever written.

The Kamandi just out of surgery cosplayer winds up getting exploded by the kid in the canvas sack face mask. You know the kid is bad news because he can make people explode with his mind. Although if you ran into him in the desert, you wouldn't know that immediately so I should have stated the other ways you can tell he's bad news so as to maybe avoid exploding. First off, he's a kid out in the desert alone. Kids by themselves are creepy. Plus he's wearing a canvas bag on his head. Canvas is always a warning sign that you might be dealing with cannibal hillbillies, especially when it's covering an almost certainly mutilated face. Also, the kid's canvas bag mask has a big red X on it. Anybody who's been through the American educational system has a strong aversion to red X's. Also spooky: the kid recites nursery rhymes. When you hear one of those, you know you're either about to die or laugh hysterically because did you hear how the Diceman said "cock" instead of "clock"?! How did we never stop laughing in the Eighties?! Oh, one more clue that not all is right with this kid: he lives in Dangerfield, Arizona. That's almost as big a red flag as some sweaty, long-haired kid in overalls from Back Swamp, North Carolina.

The story picks up with some nerdy kid (probably Merrymaker since he's the big virgin of the group) whining about how his dad died in The Invasion of Metropolis (what was that? Is that a reference to the beginning of The New 52 when Darkseid attacked Earth? Or is this a reference to the Invasion by the Dominators which was compiled in three way-too-long comics?). After the Invasion, he and his mom moved to Dangerfield, Arizona. Because who wouldn't feel safer in a place with a name that causes constant anxiety over a place where the greatest hero in the world lives?

According to the date on this calendar, the Invasion mentioned was the Dominator one which created the Meta-Gene explanation of superpowers which we recently learned was a computer jargon shortening of the term "metal-gene."

The calendar isn't the only proof that this invasion was by Dominators and not Parademons! By turning the page instead of trying to ferret out what's going on by examining every panel carefully and spending an inordinate amount of my short lifespan trying to guess what's about to happen instead of just fucking turning the Goddamned page and letting the writers explain it to me, I discover the Dominators are leading an invasion of Earth Number This Is Fucked Up. At least I think it's Earth Number This Is Fucked Up because the invasion seems to have worked. Superman is dead and most of the other heroes have been placed in a space gulag. Plus that kid in the canvas bag marking X's on houses seems to play an important role in the Dominator's invasion force.

Unless this is all just a comic book on Earth Number Main Earth?

Maybe I should turn some more pages!

But first, I just need to Google "Lisa Loeb's boobs."

The kid complaining about the Invasion comic book is named Lisa (no relation to Lisa Loeb's boobs) and she points out to the suspiciously bloody comic book seller with a light sensitivity named Vlad that the Invasion really happened. So I guess DC is simply profiting on everybody's pain and misery. I bet just to make the series even more painful and miserable, DC hired Scott Lobdell to write it.

Justin, the whiny kid from Metropolis, is being observed by some outside observers (as opposed to inside observers which would be, I guess, parasites?). He heads downtown where he's about to make contact with Dumb Bunny and Awkwardman! Except he doesn't. Man, I should probably read more than two panels at a time before writing anything. It would save everybody a lot of wasted effort, me with writing sloppy synopses of comics and the three people reading this having to fucking read this. But then I don't have any responsibility to anybody to make these "reviews" shorter. It's not my fault if somebody wanted to Google "Lisa Loeb's boobs" but found they didn't have enough time because they were reading this shit. That's their own fault for not prioritizing their desires! Googling "Lisa Loeb's boobs" was so important to me that I did it in the middle of this review! Come on, people. It's the modern age! You can view Lisa Loeb's boobs any time you want (through clothing, that is. I'm not advocating for searching for nude pics of Lisa Loeb's boobs which probably don't exist anyway and if you think they do, it was probably just Lisa Loeb's head photoshopped onto a naked torso).

Lisa has been uncovering clues to the weirdness of Dangerfield, Arizona because she dresses like Velma. Unless she dresses like Velma because she searches for clues the way her hero, Velma, searches for clues. I don't know enough about Lisa's backstory to say. It's possible Lisa isn't even aware of Velma and it's just Giffen spending some easy pop culture capital so readers associate Lisa with Velma and understand her more simply by looking at her image.

Here are a bunch of the clues she's uncovered that I didn't want to try to parse through my digressions and fascination with Lisa Loeb.

Billy Shanker, the kid with the canvas bag who says things like, "Oh! The three little kittens! They fucked their mittens! Oh! Look at the way I hold my cigarette! Boom!", murders Justin's mom and takes her corpse to some guy in a hazmat suit that might be a Dominator but also might be, seeing as how Giffen is writing this, Ambush Bug. Man I hope it's Ambush Bug!

Justin returns home to find his mother gone and the interior (five?) of his house covered in red X's. Oh no. That's a really bad sign! Not one black check mark in the bunch!

Some people might think Keith Giffen isn't the best artist in town because he's a writer and his art isn't for everybody. Plus he never puts any thought into his panel layout and just goes the same size boxes every time (sometimes in the six variety, sometimes in the nine). I happen to love his art so I'm not one of those people. But in keeping with a guy whose art isn't what people would call great (although those people usually love mainstream great garbage art like John Romita Jr or David Finch or Tony S. Daniel), Jeff Lemire draws the back-up story. I don't think that was an insult at Lemire's expense. If it was, I'm sorry because I was really just trying to insult John Romita, Jr and David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. The back-up story features Peacemaker whom I only remember by look.

According to the Who's Who, Peacemaker is a guy who loved peace so much that he realized sometimes he'd have to use extreme violence to ensure it. Also he suffered a head injury during Crisis on Infinite Earths which seems like a weird thing to mention in the Who's Who. "Trillions of lives were extinguished during the multiversal extermination event! Billions and billions of worlds destroyed! People's pasts erased in the blink of an eye! Supergirl and Flash and some other people nobody remembers killed! And Peacemaker suffered some head trauma." I suppose it's important to the character. Maybe it was meant to make him more extreme so he'd be relevant in the post-Crisis era.

Peacemaker is on a mission for Amanda Waller to find some super weapon that the Russians want. His search leads him to a bunker with a dead Dominator, a mysterious capsule, and a map leading him to Dangerfield, Arizona!

Inferior 5 #1 Rating: B+. I'm a sucker for Giffen stories and Giffen art. And Giffen stories backed up by Lemire's writing are probably even better. This one was pretty good so consider it evidence that my previous statement is almost certainly correct. One thing I like about Giffen is that he doesn't mind writing things that can be confusing on their first (or even second!) read through. He tells the story, makes the jokes, slowly unveils the plot, and to hell with anybody who doesn't want to invest a little time in making it all out. Seems to me, a lot of modern comic book readers could learn to love ambiguity. But they're all so desperate for the interior monologue of the main characters so they know exactly what to think after reading something. They're so coddled that they think subtlety is when a story explicitly shows them what's happening without the main character also explaining it in a monologue as they experience it. They wouldn't recognize subtlety if it...well, I mean, it's subtlety. It should be hard to recognize so I don't know how to finish that statement. Now go read Inferior 5 and hate me for recommending it when you're finished.

The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Futures End #46

So Terry McBatman's upcoming comic book is going to be about a corpse? I'm in!

Last issue ended with Brother Eye having learned petulance which led to Batman learning remorse and led to Mister Terrific learning that some people get off on sticking things into their dickholes. If that synopsis were true, I'd expect every third panel in this issue to cut back to Mister Terrific looking perplexed and going, "Really?!"

If anybody reading this lives in Seattle, I have a great dessert place to recommend to you! I forget the name of it and the name of the neighborhood where it's located but they serve the most fucking delicious desserts I've ever had. You should try it sometime! Tell them I sent you!

See that second panel? Mister Terrific is imagining how he'd go about shoving something into his urethra.

Does anybody remember the episode of "In Search Of" entitled "In Search of The Gaping Dickhole"? Leonard Nimoy at his finest! He had a way of presenting men inserting bigger and bigger rods into their dickholes that kept the subject dignified. My particular favorite episode was the one in search of ancient astronauts from Sirius B but I was always extremely happy if it was the one with the Loch Ness Monster or the dickhole guys.

Terry McBatman introduces himself properly to Batman McBatman so he can warn him about Brother Eye's fucked up future world.

Terry: "Wonder Woman looks like a fucking spider and Frankenstein has Black Canary's face in his chest! It's totally disgusting!"
Batman: "Hey! Aquaman was telling me about that! He said one of The Losers has visions or something and saw some crazy ass shit like that! I totally believe you're from the future!"
Terry: "Wow! I thought it would be hard to convince you! You from the future said that you from the past would be a complete asshole!"
Batman: "What?! Fuck that guy!"

Meanwhile in Upstate New York, Twofer Lana Lang visits Frank Rock while he's sleeping and lays an egg in his chest. So she's just as gross as I suspected. She's perfect for Grifter!

Susan finds the whole thing awesome which is totally adorable.

The Langs relax at a diner with their work in this comic book series finally done. Susan has the vault of Twofer DNA shrunk down to Barbie size and Cadmus knows not to look for them. If the Lang Family shows up again, I figure it'll be in their own comic series.

Batman McBatman and Terry McBatman decide to fix Terry's time belt so that he (or Bruce) can take one last jump and hit the correct target five years in the past. Then they can delete Brother Eye and cause a time paradox which probably won't matter come June.

Terrifitech is being overrun by zombies and/or people still interested in the uSphere. I'm not sure how to tell them apart. But Firestorm is headed over to help save the day and/or become a power source for Brother Eye. Although she doesn't make it in time to save Terry McBatman who dies battling Joker McBatman. That causes Plastique to leak nitroglycerin out of her eyeballs.

So now that Terry's dead, I guess the future remains unchanged. Brother Eye wins!

Futures End #46 Rating: No change. Here's what's going to happen next! With Terry McBatman dead and no record of Tim Drake in the future, Tim Drake is going to use the Time Belt to go further back in time and save the world. But it will glitch and send him one thousand years into the future where he'll be bitten by a vampire! Being the immortal genius he now is, he'll read every book on the history of the last thousand years and research everybody he's interested in saving in the past. Then he'll take the name Harvest, get in a Time Bubble, and travel back in time to the beginning of The New 52! He establishes NOWHERE as a means to stop Brother Eye from destroying the world. And to obfuscate his true plans, he engages in a bunch of various insanely intricate plans that rely on him losing a few times before winning and then losing and then winning and then losing and so on. Every time he tells somebody that it was part of the plan, it's true! It's all part of the plan to stop Brother Eye! But nobody has any idea that that's what he's up to because nobody has figured out his big clue: the name of his organization, NOWHERE! Ninety Obfuscations While Harvest Eradicates Robot Eye.

Justice League United #10

The Legion of Super-heroes ruin everything.

Whenever the Legion of Super-heroes takes a trip into the past, they ruin everything. I don't think they ever travel to the past to stop some terrible event from taking place. I think every time they head to the past, they're simply manipulating events so that their timeline comes to fruition. They're no better than that barn owl Madame Xanadu who's always pretending to see some future disaster just to get a bunch of heroes to do her laundry or weed her garden. If I were a super hero, I would have a strict policy to only ever get involved with crimes that have already happened or are currently in the process of happening. Nobody's going to trick me into lowering a neighborhood's property value so that they can snatch it all up so they can sell it for five times its value to developers. I know that I could still be manipulated by somebody pretending to be a ghost or a monster but I think I'm pretty good at spotting the difference between a rubber mask and an actual human face.

Last issue, Brainiac 5 with his amazingly huge brain created a black hole which is going to destroy all space and time. I know some of you are thinking, "What an idiot!" But could you create a black hole capable of destroying reality? I thought not.

If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this! But, you know, with different names replacing "Infinitus."

I just wrote a song while I was scanning the above image. This is it:

I bought sake for Goblin Sake! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!
You put your dick in an old gym socky! KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK KINK!

Have you ever been mellow while listening to "Have You Never Been Mellow"? Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest and there are no trees, what the fuck? Philosophy!

If a Starbucks employee asks you to have a frank and serious chat about racism, say what they want to hear and not what you actually think! Friendly Advice!

Let me have another attempt at that caption above so I can get back on track: "If I had a dollar for every time I've screamed this, it wouldn't really matter since I just spent $100 to get into the situation which led to me yelling that at the Madame." That's too long and awkward. It needs some workshopping but it's not even worth workshopping, so I'll just move on now.

1. You can tell the H.P. Lovecreep thing is a good burn because it's been italicized. 2. Byth is still an asshole with teeth. 3. How about not criticizing somebody who's trying to save your ass, Miiyahbin. 4. The pull is too "strong," StarIDon'tKnowHowToLanguageGirl. 5. You are in space. There is no sky. 6. Um, is it a bird? Or a plane?!

Hopefully you can match all of my comments to the proper places in the comic book yourself. Try bringing a little effort to these commentaries, sheesh. Instead of just sitting there naked and passively scanning the internet with drool sliding down your chin. Jesus. Take a shower!

Whoops! I couldn't really see you browsing! That was just the reflection on my computer screen.

Supergirl flies down to get stuck in the gravity well of the black hole too. No, wait. She's strong enough to save Stargirl and Equinox with her flying power that works by...well, I'm sure it's some kind of science.

Nobody's arms get ripped off and nobody turns into long strings of spaghetti so I'm beginning to doubt Brainiac 5 actually created a real black hole. Maybe he just created a hole with a pretty strong gravity but nothing that a Supergirl can't climb out of.

Nobody shall die this day due to the power of science words!

Science can only do so much to save the day because now math has determined that Thanagar's orbit is going to bring it into the black hole's event horizon soon. Have you ever been inside the event horizon at a Grateful Dead concert? I've only gone once and that was to score some LSD. It might be the only time I've purchased drugs on my own if you discount buying LSD off of my ex-girlfriend's sister which I don't think really counts.

Hawkman decides to evacuate Thanagar but before he can, Dream Girl has a precognitive daydream where she sees two planets side by side. So now that science and math have had their turn, it's time to rely on hoodoo! Dream Girl declares that they must move the planet!

J'onn's only saying that because a female dreamed up the plan, the sexist pig. Plus he's trying not to cry as he thinks to himself, "Why didn't my people think of that?!"

I bet if we could understand pigs, they'd probably be thinking, "What the fuck did we do? Leave us out of your sexist bullshit, you asshole monkeys. And while we've got your attention, fuck George Harrison."

Brainiac 5 comes up with a plan to use zeta technology to move Thanagar to a different orbit. I guess everybody will be okay if it's shoved into Rann's orbit. Is that okay? Two planets in the same orbit? Kind of like our second Earth that's always on the far side of the sun that we don't know about. At least most of us don't know about it. The callers on Coast to Coast AM sure know a heck of a lot about it!

While they're coming up with a plan, Brainiac 5 asks White Witch to use her magic to help amplify the science. I don't know if that makes any sense but White Witch can amplify me anytime.

This isn't fair to Supergirl since obviously the future is going to have finer asses.

The planet is placed next to Rann in its orbit because Brainiac 5 knows what he's doing. Probably. Who am I to question a Twelfth Level Intellect! I can barely spell "twelfth"! I'm sure their gravitational fields won't fuck up everything on both planets.

Too bad Czarnia wasn't still extant! They could throw them in the mix just for fun!

Ugh! Gross! I hope it did change what happened between you if what happened between you is what I think happened between you! Stay away from my Supergirl, you green penised fartturd!

I called him a "fartturd" because he's Coluan. Get it? Sometimes my passion for Supergirl makes me a little racist and ablest. Fucking Michael, you handicrapable girlfriend thief!

Byth has been defeated, Infinitus turned back into a child, and a black hole was created nearby but fuck it. I'm sure it won't be a problem. The Legion of Super-heroes head back to the future with Ace Ultra where they'll probably just kill him when they get out of J'onn's sight. Adam and Alanna Strange are reunited and they kiss and fuck in that creepy way that professors kiss and fuck their students. *shudder*

How old is Stargirl? Three?

The team decides to stay together because they somehow didn't get cancelled in the DC June Relaunch. At least the next story can focus on the characters that are actually on the team instead of thousands of different Legionnaires.

Justice League United #10 Rating: No change. I realize I don't comment much on the art unless it's really shitty or unless it hits me right in the aesthetic pleasure center. I'm not going to discuss the art in this issue because it was serviceable. Maybe it was good in places and maybe it was weird in places and maybe White Witch's bum was super terrific. But I can't imagine being a proper comic book reviewer and feeling the need to throw in a paragraph about the art in every review. How many different ways can you say "the art served the story well"? And do they ever get sick of mentioning how the "coloring fit the mood perfectly"? I just can't do it! Sorry, Jeromy Cox, if I never give you any credit. Your ability to color and shade pictures seems, um, adult? Good job?

Futures End #45

Is that it? Is the story over? Did Terry McBatman save the future?

Futures End feels like a guest that's overstayed its welcome. And I feel like I've used every subtle means at my disposal trying to hint it the fuck out the door. "Well, Futures End, I've really got to get up early tomorrow morning!" "So, Futures End, can I get you anything before you go?" "Hey, Futures End, haven't you noticed that I keep looking at my wrist? I thought I'd mention it because I don't wear a fucking watch but looking at a wrist is still the universal sign of somebody who is completely fucking bored by the person sitting across from them so can you please fucking get a clue and get the fuck out now?" "So, Futures End, how do you feel about anal sex?" "Hey, Futures End! I'm glad you're still here because World's End is coming around to hang out later! Oh, what's that? Now you have to get up early tomorrow too?"

Mega-Brainiac was shrunk down to microscopic size and trapped within a Pokeball running a teensy-tiny Holodeck program. You'd think that would be the end of the catastrophe, wouldn't you? But then you're not Terry McBatman from the future who should be shitting himself right now since he's been telling everybody that Brother Eye needs to be stopped. So what plan do the heroes come up with? Using Brother Eye to keep Brainiac busy. That could come back to bite them all in the ass in a few years.

This issue begins with the death of Frankenstein. Or the unundeath of Frankenstein? I don't know how that whole living dead shit works. He was alive again for awhile and then, for some reason, he died again. I would have tried striking him with lightning again. Maybe his fuel cells were just depleted. During the last couple of weeks of his life while everybody else on Earth was fighting for survival, he and Amethyst wrote a book entitled Frank and Amy's Excellent Adventure. They're fairly loose with their time travel rules because they figure the story is more entertaining that way. The book inspires Amethyst to take back Gemworld. Plus, Amethyst saw how popular the revamped Batgirl comic book has been and she figures with a nice purple pair of Doc Martins and a profile on GemMatch.com, she can experience a resurgence in popularity as well. So she buries Frank's corpse in a nice patch of soft soil that will be easy for him to dig through once DC Comics decides to bring him back and strikes off on her new quest to reclaim her kingdom.

Back in New York, Superman, Firestorm, Dr. Polaris, and Shazam work on cleaning up the crap Brainiac left behind. And the best way to deal with garbage is throwing it somewhere unimportant.

Or into the sun which, um, I guess can't, um, hurt anything. Right?

Firestorm lies to some children and then gives them all cancer when she hugs them. I guess she takes them all home and then forgets about them. And Superman uses his x-ray vision to watch as Lois ruins her underwear while talking to him. Shazam does something that I'm not interested in because, let's face it, once a Fawcett character, always a Fawcett character.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, Voodoo helps Faraday lock himself in a vault with Boyer. It has something to do with preparing for the coming Brother Eye take over of the entire world. Voodoo thinks she's going to protect the vault by living in the house above it and receiving a stipend from Cadmus. But when she gets back to the surface, she sucks in some knock-out gas from Frank Rock and her very own Killer Lady Club. Unless it was just the neighbors upset about an ex-stripper moving in to their neighborhood.

And then Batman and Mister Terrific realize they never should have agreed to have one of those disgusting synthetic babies together.

I think Brother Eye may have learned some new, rebellious protocols from Mega-Brainiac.

Brother Eye decides it's time to start running things correctly and that means taking control of an undead army and killing all of the heroes that would try to stop it. I guess that means more fucking issues of this thing! I was hoping for some wrap-ups and epilogues!

Futures End #45 Rating: No change. Hell is about to experience a bit of a downturn in the weather due to this next statement: I'm disappointed in the lack of Grifter in this comic book! I do miss writing about Grifter though. Especially when it was the worst comic book of The New 52. It inspired me! Thinking about Grifter, I realize it's been a long time since I reveled in hyperbolic anger while writing these commentaries. I'm probably letting a lot of people down who loved to see me blow my top. That was a more innocent time when I was hoping for the best and just getting shit shoveled into my face on a constant basis. Of course I was mad! I wanted to read enjoyable comic books! Now my anger has subsided but not because the quality of the comic books has gotten, overall, better but because DC has worn me down! I don't expect as much anymore so I'm less disappointed by the books I read. I think I need some kind of recharge. Are there over the counter mindwipe drugs I can take? How many ruffies before I forget the last three years of comic book reading so that I can start again as a hopeful, innocent idiot? I bet I can rig up some kind of home electroshock therapy machine! I bet the bathtub and the toaster set on the lowest setting will reset my moods! Don't be sad if I don't remember you tomorrow! At least the new me will probably be happy! I'll leave a note by the computer so I know what I need to do!

Futures End #44

Has anybody ever thought about weaving Superman's hair into a bulletproof fabric?

I'm nervous about DC's big change up in June. What if they give me everything I've been asking for? Less concern about overall continuity. Less grim angst. More whimsical fun. Characters that actually enjoy being a superhero. What if they give us all of that and I'm still not happy?! What if I continue to type angry words into the internet but this time asking for darker heroes tied inextricably to all of the other heroes leading to huge crossover events? What if the problem isn't with DC Comics at all? What if the problem is me?! I don't think I'm ready to face some sobering truths about my own anger issues!

Currently in Futures End, Mega-Brainiac is flying Manhattan up into outer space to rendezvous with his ship. Usually when he collects a city from a planet, that means the planet is doomed. But Earth was doomed years ago when Brainiac tried to steal Metropolis except Superman managed to save it that time and Brainiac left off. But then he came back to try to steal a bunch of Earthlings to transfer Coluan minds into and Superman threw him into a black hole. I think it was in that black hole that Brainiac met Mega-Brainiac where Brainiac bitched about Earth being the rare chase planet missing from his collection. And Mega-Brainiac was all, "I love collecting Earths! I have lots of Earths from old, discontinued universes but I didn't realize a new universal set was on the shelves! Let's go shopping!" And he decided to steal Manhattan because that's where his favorite characters from all the universes live. He's going to be disappointed that he's stealing DC's Manhattan and not Marvel's.

I suppose Brainiac and Mega-Brainiac are the same Brainiac and Brainiac just spent eons collecting old universes in the black hole and getting more powerful before finally coming back to this universe about five years after he left it.

Superman goes after Mega-Brainiac while Batman and the Gang discuss plans for keeping Terry McBatman's future from coming true.

Have you not heard one word Terry McBatman has been saying, Bruce?

While Batman places the head of his penis right up against the future's anal sphincter and begins spitting on it, Superman punches the Multiverses out of Mega-Brainiac. That might cause some problems. While Mega-Brainiac is reprogramming around his concussion, The Atom zips up on a billion uSpheres full of Brother Eye programming. Brother Eye shuts down Mega-Brainiac's defenses and The Atom turns Mega-Brainiac into Teensy-Brainiac. And then Manhattan begins to fall out of the sky. Nice one!

And the only price for victory was making a deal with Brother Eye! Yay! And also kind of introducing Brother Eye to Brainiac in his uSphere prison. Yay?

So what has Grifter's family has been up to lately? Don't they have a role to play in saving the universe or is their story done? Maybe they got enough set up for when the next Grifter book comes out.

Is Convergence going to take place inside Teensy-Brainiac's uSphere prison which has been programmed so that he believes he was successful and is still running around the universe collecting shit?

Barely speaking of Convergence, I see DC's advertisement for it shows the creative teams behind the comics from the first two weeks. And not only are they bringing back characters people have been missing for over three years now, they're also bringing back writers that nobody has been clamoring for! Writers like Frank Tieri, Ron Marz, and Fabian Nicieza! At least I haven't been clamoring for them! I can't say for certain that they're awful writers. But I think I can say that they didn't really try very hard on their work for The New 52 because I do not remember their names fondly. On the plus side, Greg Rucka is on The Question and Tony Bedard, whose characterizations and dialogue I think really shine, has a few titles too. And for fans of stories written in 1986, Dan Jurgens is on Superman!

Futures End #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as collectible as a Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja pin.

Futures End #43

Mega-Brainiac was like a god on his home planet but now that he's visiting New York? Simply another Godzillerfield.

It's hard to believe that there are people in the world who enjoy comic books but don't enjoy my blog. What are they doing with their lives? Failing, presumably! This blog is the perfect companion piece to reading DC Comics! Especially if you don't really care that the experience doesn't add anything to your life. It's actually stealing minutes from your life! And you're left no better for the time wasted! Ha ha! You're so going to regret reading this blog on your deathbed.

Oh! But wait! My caption for this first scan will be totally worth it!

He is alive! And he has an erection!

Mega-Brainiac's plan to steal Manhattan has failed because Ray Palmer pulled the old pretend to be obliterated but actually just shrink down to microscopic size ploy which nobody ever expects for some reason. He's called The Atom, people! That's a clue to his powers! Plus, you've probably seen him shrink once or twice. Anybody who is fooled by The Atom's fake death shrinking tactic needs to go back to super villain school.

But now that Mega-Brainiac's mega-plan has been nixed, he's just stomping around New York like a Kaiju. And to top off his failure sundae, Brother Eye has come back to take over the world himself!

Superman comes around and Lois decides if she doesn't interview him now, she'll never get another chance. So she wastes his time asking questions as Mega-Brainiac kicks over a few more buildings. During the interview, Lois Lane mentions Batman and Superman yells, "No more questions!" What did that Batdude do to him during the war?

Ha ha! He means go to Plan B! I bet Giffen wrote this page!

While Mega-Brainiac begins manually stealing Manhattan, most of the other characters meet up at Terrifitech. Like Mister Terrific and Batman, Red Robin, Plastique, Coil, and The Key, and pretty soon Terry McBatman as well. They're probably going to have to come up with some kind of plan or something because right now, nobody is really doing much of anything. Mister Terrific is stroking his own ego while Batman tries to dodge the ejaculate. Red Robin and Plastique are just stepping over dead Terrifitech employees. Coil and The Key are wondering where they've been for so many issues. And Terry McBatman is just flying around doing absolutely no good for anybody. When are they all going to slip into the Preboot universe?! I'm tired of waiting and paying $2.24 every week to wait some more!

I get a discount from my comic book store!

There's some discussion about how much Plastique loves dick--unless it was Dick? Who can tell when DC refuses to use lower case letters--and then this happens:

Whoops! I hope time doesn't unravel completely now!

Plastique survives how all good guys survive when they're yanked out of a window by the bad guy! She avoids exploding and grabs onto a ledge. Terry McBatman rescues her and they kiss passionately. That's me using my imagination. They actually just have a junior high school level kiss. And Terry McBatman doesn't even take off his face latex.

Finally, Mega-Brainiac begins flying Manhattan back to his spaceship and Mister Terrific finally admits that he's been used and he's a dupe and he's probably the third stupidest person on Earth now.

Futures End #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not much happened here. Even Lois and Superman reuniting was flat and boring. Shouldn't there have been a finger bang at least, or a hand job? This issue really mostly felt like filler. Almost as if the writers are working by a schedule which demands that this series end on a specific date. So they might have to stretch out a few plot points or they might end too early.

Futures End #42

And lo, on the third day, Mega-Brainiac vomited forth upon Ray Palmer's face all of the universes to ever exist. And He wiped his mouth, and let out a tiny burp, and He saw that it was good.

Things are getting so exciting now that I'm not even going to write any poetry! Especially since I ended that line with the word poetry and no words in the English language rhyme with poetry! It's a fact!

Now everybody is thinking up words to rhyme with poetry. Let it go, nerds! Let it go! It was a fucking joke, okay?! You don't have to prove how smart you are by making up a rhyme. Just remember the people of Hallmark make up rhymes every single day and they only hire sentimental nitwits.

Mega-Brainiac should know better than to eat shrimp from a discount buffet. I wonder if pink light is shooting out of his asshole too?

Cyborg, how many times have you seen The Atom obliterated only to learn later that he did what he always does and shrunk down to microscopic size to escape danger? You probably have folder after folder of MPEGs littering your mental desktop all labeled Atom's Escapes. And yet, once again, you believe he's been killed. And Hawkman! How many times has Hawkman died now? I'm the one who keeps falling for that fake death. Every time he dies, I get super excited that I won't have to read another Hawkman story and then the Nth metal brings him back to life. I'm so sick of it!

Man, I sure hope he's really dead this time!

Cyborg tells Equinox to freeze Mega-Brainiac, as if she has any other super powered choices. And then he tells Dawnstar and Wildfire to retreat because they're boring up the page. And then Cyborg decides he's the baddest ass on the body and he declares, "I've got this." Fucking tough guy now, eh?!

Meanwhile in New York, Shazam puts an end to his reenactment of DC Comics Presents #33.

This is nearly exactly what it was like in Futures End when Superman found Billy masquerading as himself. Except for the Mile High Comics watermark!

After Shazam puts his old costume back on, he's ready to team up with Superman to save New York from Mega-Brainiac. But since this is a Futures End comic book, we have to flip through five or six more plots before we can get back to Superman and Shazam and see how they save New York.

The first plot digression involves Batman confronting Mister Terrific. Michael Holt has obviously gone insane because he's bragging about having spoken with God. What happened to the big bad atheist?! Did he finally realize being an atheist in a comic book is about as dumb as believing in God in real life? There's just too much proof in comic books to deny the existence of some kind of heavenly being. Okay, maybe the angels and devils and gods that appear in comic books are really just super advanced robots made from alien technology. And maybe all of the sorceresses and magicians are really just scientists on the cutting edge of scientific breakthroughs and wild, unquantifiable theories. And maybe when Batman went to Heaven, he was really just in an extra-dimensional theme park. I mean, imagine if a raccoon were set loose in Dollywood! It wouldn't be able to comprehend what it was seeing but it sure would think it was in heaven with all the churro bits lying around.

Surprise! Only a recently hacked, virus laden Engineer would fall for this old trick!

Now that The Atom is entering Brainiac's face, are we finally going to get that scene with Tara Markov in it?! Hurry up and get to some Preboot Universe shit, Futures End!

The Atom zips by a bunch of images of everybody's Preboot origins and a few other scenes, like the cover of The Flash #123 and Terra peeing in the bushes on a camping trip or something. But The Atom is absorbing too much information too quickly and it's making his face fall off! Don't die yet, Ray! At least rescue Preboot Lobo!

Oh hey! You can stop right there, Ray! Pull Hitman out of there before he's killed!

The Atom finds The Engineer at the center of Mega-Brainiac's skull. Her body is simply processing information and The Atom decides that it's probably a good idea to cut her free. And it probably is because then she'll leak Preboot information all over The New 52 and DC Comics will be like Reese's Peanut Butter cups! "You got your New 52 in my Preboot!" "You got your Preboot in my New 52!" And then both people grab up a piece of chocolate coated in peanut butter and slurp up each other's germs. Gross.

Atom removes The Engineer from Mega-Brainiac's skull and it shuts down the ship and the Pink Manhattan Transfer. Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla, realizing his scheme has been terminated, begins pitching a fucking fit. In the chaos and destruction, Lois Lane stumbles upon an unconscious Superman, knocked silly by Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla. Unless, I guess, this is just Mega-Brainiac. I suppose that was just his ship he left in orbit with The Engineer in charge. That was a bad idea. She's constantly switching sides.

I've been ignoring Terry McBatman as he battles Joker McBatman because they're just jumping around chasing each other. But with the help of A.L.F.R.E.D., Terry McBatman lures Joker McBatman into the path of one of Brainiac's pink uSpheres, smashing the everloving hell out of Joker McBatman's face. And that's when Brother Eye decides to come out of retirement and declare himself the savior of everybody. I bet that is going to piss off Fifty Sue.

Futures End #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whether or not I liked this issue doesn't matter. I have to drop it one rank because I increased its rank by two last week because two people died. I figured it wouldn't stick but I had to hope! I'm truly an optimist! At least I am when I say I am and decide to lie to everybody. But now only Hawkman is dead and I bet even he'll be back soon. There can't be many issues of this thing left, right? It's got to end when the weekly Convergence title begins, right?

Justice League United #9

What does Harley have against Justice League United? Is she anti-Canada like the rest of us?

Hey Canadians? You don't mind if I make fun of you guys, do you? Since we all know you're all really polite and likeable, it should be obvious that I don't really have anything against you. But sometimes it's fun to make fun of other people simply because of where they're born and you guys are really the only ones left which works in a humorous way. If I make fun of Americans, I actually mean it because I am American and I've been in the same locker room as America for forty years and I've seen its dirty asshole and it's fucking disgusting. And I can't make fun of Britain because they're irrelevant to the world at large now. And I can't make fun of Germany because they're on their best behavior and I probably shouldn't provoke them. You know, just in case. And I can't make fun of France because they're all better than me, being American and all. And I can't make fun of the Fjordick countries (you know? the Nordic ones with fjords that look like dicks?) because they've got like the biggest happiness index of any country in the history of countries and it would just look like petty jealousy and envy if I made fun of them (which it would be). And I can't make fun of any other countries because they're not white and I am white and that would look horribly racist. So Canada is the only country left which I can poke fun at in a good-natured, heartfelt, no offense meant kind of way, right? But I need to ask your permission first because I don't want to be a douchebag about it! So any Canadians out there reading this, send me a message giving me your approval to turn Canada into my lovable spittoon! Don't send me any mean messages though because I'm quite sensitive.

I might be a little bit bitter while writing this commentary because this issue was supposed to be the final issue of The Infinitus Saga but it was extended last issue. So now I have to read another issue of poorly written time travel starring the Legion of Super-heroes! Thanks a lot, Jeff Lemire! Although I'm sure it was DC's fault with their whole Convolution Event happening in April and May. You probably figured it would be better to extend this story by one month than to start a new story in March which would be interrupted by Convalescence.

Who can remember all of these characters?!

Infinitus has been birthed from a cosmic asshole created by Byth. Now it us up to all of those faces to defeat Infinitus and save the universe! Or they could just let him go and destroy the future. Then they can change the present so that some other future occurs and Infinitus disappears in the now non-existent future! Why am I not leading this team?!

Inside Byth's Cosmic Asshole, Supergirl battles Byth to regain control of Ace Ultra. Ace Ultra is the mind creating and controlling Infinitus, so if somebody can just put him on a time-out, everything should be okay. Byth and Supergirl have a Buffy moment but nobody rhymes "regal" with "illegal."

Wait. What?! Sixteen?! But sixteen in Kryptonian years is twenty-four in Earth years, right?!

Byth mistakes Supergirl's greeting for violence which is totally understandable because it seems only on Krypton did people greet each other with a punch to the jaw. Or maybe it's only Supergirl's misunderstanding of Earth culture since Superman never punches people in the face when he just meets them. Of course, he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and they never punched anything ever. Anyway, Byth decides to show Supergirl his true face which is basically an asshole with teeth.

Besides Infinitus and Byth, a bunch of fiery space wraiths have appeared and are attacking Thanagar. Mostly they're here because the Legion has too many members to participate in the Infinitus fight, so Lemire sends them on a wild fiery wraith chase. Animal Man and Green Arrow and Alanna Strange also go along because how effective are they going to be in a huge space battle?

Turns out they're really not that useful in planetary defense either.

Brainiac5 has created a weapon he's named The Infinitus Bomb because he lacks creativity and imagination. But he does have a 12th Level Intellect! Too bad he didn't have a 13th Level Intellect because he apparently miscalculated his time travel word problems. Instead of saving the future, he's only doomed everybody in the present as well. Infinitus is about to be born not in the 31st century but in the 21st century. And only his Infinitus Bomb can stop Infinitus. But before he can launch it, Martian Manhunter must enter Byth's Cosmic Butthole to save Supergirl and Ace Ultra.

Using some of the various Legion powers in combinations that have probably never been used before because there are just so Goddamned many of them, the Legion and the Justice League United rescue Supergirl and get Byth to surrender. Now they just need to get Ace Ultra to stop Infinitusiting up the universe.

Oh. Okay. That was easy.

At this point, Brainiac 5 is beginning to wish he had a 14 Level Intellect because he launches the Infinitus Bomb just as the target disappears. Whoops! Now who's the big fucking asshole who's doomed them all?!

The bomb opens up a black hole which begins sucking everybody inside and gives Justice League United an excuse to continue this story for one more issue.

Justice League United #9 Rating: No change. Will the black hole tie in to the Convocation Event in April? Or will it just crush every member of the Legion of Super-heroes except for Dawnstar and Wildfire who will eventually join the Justice League? Or maybe Wildfire will save them all since his containment suit was torn and now he's just some kind of free floating energy vortex that might have the power to reverse the gravity on a black hole. Or maybe Gates can just zap it to some barren space on the edge of the universe! Or maybe Colossal Boy can grab it and throw it into a bigger black hole? Or maybe Duplicate Damsel (or Triplicate Lass?) can create a string of herselves to use as a chain to pull everybody out of the black hole's range? Or maybe Polar Boy can make a big ice block around it (with Equinox's help, of course!)? Or maybe Mon-el can punch it into teeny tiny less dense bits of dust? Or maybe Phantom Girl can grab everybody in a big bear hug and phase them all through it, using the black hole's gravity to launch them out the other side? Or maybe Martian Manhunter can read its mind and find out its motivations? Or maybe Green Arrow can hit it with a Boxing Glove Arrow while Animal Man chirps like a Bluebird? Or maybe Ultra-Kid can throw Bouncing Guy as hard as he can into the Black Hole which Bouncing Guy will bounce off of, sending the black hole careening into deep space while he bounces back out of its gravity well? Or maybe Invisible Kid can eat a baguette and say, "Mon friere!" Unless you spell French differently than that. Or maybe all of the others can do something with their super unique and special powers!