Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Supergirl #26

Why the fuck did Twat Lobo have to come and ruin this comic book?!

I was so upset by the filth and bilge and other words meaning filth and bilge during my last commentary that I forgot to end with a shot of Supergirl's Bum! I can't remember the last time I forgot to do that! Fuck you, Scott Lobdell! Keep your filthy fingers out of my Supergirl!

Oh, while I'm fantasizing speaking with Scott Lobdell, I should ask him one more question! Why haven't you Tweeted since you were exposed as a horny horned-person that can't stop talking about the vagina of the woman sitting next to you to the woman sitting next to you on a public panel? Are you going to delete yet another Twitter Account?! I MISS YOU!

So, Supergirl! It's almost a new year! What are you going to do with it?! My guess is first you're going to visit a Luffa Farm and pick the biggest, sturdiest Luffa Fruit from the most glorious Luffa Tree of them all. You'll take it down (I'm assuming Luffa's come right off the tree ready to go to work!), soak it in a vat of Hydrochloric Acid (you'll probably want a hardy acid but not one that's too strong! Use one they actually let Junior High School kids work with!), and take a nice, long shower, scrubbing the taint of The Return of Krypton from your beautiful, Mahmud Asrar-drawn booty. After your done, you'll probably get out of the shower, towel off, look in the mirror, and, hopefully, be greeted by your beautiful, lithe, supple Yildiray Cinar body! If I remember correctly, he drew a pretty fucking hot Swamp Thing. So fingers crossed!

My "friend" Doom Bunny wanted to make sure that I credit him for coming up with "Twat Lobo." First off, if that's true, it's not exactly the Theory of Relativity. I suppose if I were also a parent living in a suburban wasteland who puts up Christmas-themed inflatables in my yard during the holidays, I'd be pretty fucking proud of every tiny pseudo-creative accomplishment I could grasp. I asked my lawyers what I should do and they responded with "Ergo Cognitor Sum blah blah blah fuck you." I don't speak legalese but I'm not sure I like the tone of that response. Whatever. Fine. Doom Bunny came up with the term "Twat Lobo." Congratulations! Good job! You're a fucking genius, Robot-Man! Not to be confused with Cliff Steele, Robotman. Oh man. Hey lawyers? Do I have to worry about DC suing me?

Oh shit. I forgot that Twat Lobo's catchphrase was the rallying cry of every young, racist narcissist on Twitter: "Sorry not sorry." But Tony Bedard is writing Twat Lobo as opposed to Marguerite Bennett, so maybe that won't carry over. Please don't let that carry over. Please.

The issue begins in Bangkok. Hee hee. I bet nobody in any American High School ever learns anything about the history of Bangkok because what teacher is going to continually try to say the name of that place multiple times in one class period? It would start a riot!

Silly Twat Lobo. I want a bowl of Trix.

Twat Lobo is a bit upset with his employer (whose name is either Rhialla or Sugar) because she gave him that old intelligence. That sounds like a Frank Sinatra song. "That Old Intelligence." No wait. Maybe I meant an Art Garfunkel song. Which one is the guy that paints happy trees on PBS? Oh! Bob Ross! That's what I meant. It sounds like a Bob Ross song. Twat Lobo would really, really, really (hmm, maybe not that much forget that last "really") like to kill her but she has a contract that forbids him from killing his employer and you know Twat Lobo, right kids?! He always honors a contract!

I wonder how many brainstorming sessions DC had to come up with Twat Lobo's look? If Twat Lobo is supposed to look tough, it really makes me wonder about DC's image of kids today. Is Twat Lobo the type of person they'd avoid when walking down a dark alley? Because Old Lobo was! But if I passed Twat Lobo while walking down a dark alley (you know, like I do all of the time while engaging in perfectly legal activities (well, legal in most of the non-southern states)), I'd probably think, "I wonder what venue that guy is playing tonight?" or I'd say, "You've got a little blue something on your face. Right there. No, there. Here. There. Yeah, almost. No, over more. That's it!"

Twat Lobo is having difficulty finding The Real Deal Lobo because The Real Deal Lobo has either been transported to the Maroon Timeline or been killed by Deathstroke. I think the Maroon Timeline is the least ridiculous possibility because that timeline is more real in The New 52 than any story written by Rob Liefeld.

Twat Lobo's employer is going to send him to a new source that she's worked with before: a human that isn't entirely human anymore! And that person is...(umm, probably)...

Doctor Nakamura! I mean, Doctor Hansen! No, no! It's Doctor Truth, The Everything Scientist!

It looks like Dr. Veritas's lab is so hard to get to (being in the center of the Earth) that other Earth scientists can only visit by sending their consciousnesses down into clones of Dr. Veritas. Maybe she just steals their minds, leaving a Charlie-like replacement on the surface, desperately trying to solve mazes before a rat does.

Supergirl tells Dr. Veritas what has happened to her recently. It's like a great, awful but needed purge of everything horrible that has sat in her bowels for a week needing to be expelled. She gives an account of her H'el on Earth time and her Krypton Returns adventure in one big double-page splash that will, hopefully, be the last we ever hear about that bullshit. There, there, Supergirl. It's over now. Scott Lobdell can't hurt you now.

Twat Lobo treats his source like shit so she rats him out to Dr. Veritas. Veritas mentions to Supergirl that Twat Lobo is a Czarnian, a nearly extinct race. Hey! Remember when Liefeld had the Thanagarians battling the Czarnians! Ha ha. He and his editors were stupid jerks! That's like DC History 101! Unless I'm wrong somehow and there was probably some kind of explanation that explained it all. But that's so improbable as to be nearly impossible! Me? Wrong? Pshaw!

Wait a second! Rhialla said Twat Lobo is coming for you, Shay! Why are you automatically assuming Supergirl is going to protect you? You just got done basically telling her you aren't even her friend!

When Twat Lobo meets Supergirl, he Narration Boxes, "Well, frag me runnin'...." So Twat Lobo still says "Frag!" I think Bennett was really trying to get away from all his old-school slang terms but it looks like Bedard just can't help himself. At least he hasn't been sorry not sorry yet!

Whoops. I spoke too fucking soon. Sorry. Totally sorry.

Stupid Twat Lobo and his sorry not sorry bullshit! I had the perfect caption for that panel before I had to mention that I spoke too soon! It was brilliant! Utter genius! And then I couldn't use it. But I'll tell it to you now because it's comedy gold! Here it is! Ready? "You're a Zerellian Razor-ape!"

Oh, I forgot to mention that, once again, Supergirl decides not to punch somebody in the face when she meets them! This is the second time in her life she's decided to forgo immediate violence and, once again, it's finally one of those times she should have come out punching. She's not very good with first impressions. But she changes her tune pretty quickly and breaks Twat Lobo's skinny neck with her next punch.

You would think that if Dr. Veritas cared about Kara at all, the first thing she would have told her was to be careful because a Czarnian's best, hottest, tightest, boner-inducing feature is their regenerative abilities.

Yay! Jennifer Lopez guest stars next issue! Speaking of which, am I the only person in the world that actually liked Jersey Girl?

Supergirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking because Supergirl is the cutest thing ever and she just broke Twat Lobo's neck. I know it won't take but it was still an enjoyable moment. Also when Kara punched him super hard, a bit of blood shot out of his mouth. I wonder if Twat Lobo still has his power to make another Twat Lobo from every drop of his twat blood? That would be the besterest!

This was the only shot of her bum in the whole issue! And it might just be her shadow's bum! Sure, there were some nice side butt shots featuring one well-muscled cheek but it felt like cheating using one of those.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Batman and Two-Face #26

OMG! Batman IS Two-Face! I knew the whole Bruce Wayne thing was a sham.

So in previous issues of Batman and Robin, a really convoluted plot was taking place involving Two-Face and Erin McKillbody and Bruce Wayne and Matches Malone and Commissioner Gordon and the Batsignal and Batman and Harvey Dent. But not Robin. Which is why the comic book isn't called Batman and Robin anymore. Somebody at DC really needs to fix that already!

What the fuck am I saying? When have I ever wanted more Robin?! I must be in a really fragile place. I wonder which corner would be the best to cry in?

No, no! I won't give in to the pure bliss of despair brought on by the understanding and acceptance of the finality of death and an empty package of Oreo Cookies. We must continue the daily struggle of existence no matter how difficult it may seem! Well, I guess we don't have to. Which is why I recommend everybody should own fish. Because then no matter how much you may want it to end, you'll always have that last niggling thought in the back of your mind: "But who's going to feed the fish?" And then you realize, they're just fish. They won't live forever. You can probably tough it out until the fish die before flushing yourself down the toilet. And by the time the fish do die, you'll probably have a much cheerier outlook on life. Or, at the very least, more fish.

Actually, I would never own fish. To me, the amount of work they take to keep alive versus the amount of payoff they give back to me is the worst fun to work ratio in the world of pet ownership. Cats have the highest fun to work ratio because they practically take care of themselves. You can't think "Who will feed the cat?" to keep yourself from committing suicide because after you die, guess what? You'll still be feeding the cat! Nasty little monsters!

I just looked at my cats and scowled, "Don't you dare eat Daddy!"

I almost opened the comic book to begin reading and my first thought was, "I wonder if Bruce Wayne and Erin McKilleverbody have had sex yet?"

Hmm. According to this page, they might have just?

Erin doesn't appreciate being sprung from prison and forced to live in a gigantic mansion with great food and surly butler service. She'd rather take her chances in Gotham facing off against Harvey Dent and whatever stupid goons have decided that a life of crime as a madman's underling is better than welfare and unemployment or a job at Taco Bell.

There's a flashback that back flashes even further back than the previous bashflackers. This time Shannon McKillagain gets her first on-panel appearance. I think. Anyway, she and her sister (remember her? Erin!) are in jail serving a 25 to life sentence and they believe it's because Harvey Dent did some unethical and illegal things during the case. Not pedophilia or credit card fraud! But some lawyer thing that lawyers aren't allowed to do with other lawyers. Sodomy, maybe? Short story shorter, Erin wants revenge! I wonder if she'll get it?

Oh yeah! She does! These stories being told backwards leave me so confused!

But Shannon and Erin come up with a plan so they can escape prison!

Although only one of them gets to do it alive.

It seems they could have come up with a better plan than one of them killing themselves to cause a distraction. Perhaps the guard that is helping them to escape, the one whose son needs a life-saving surgery, needs an organ which is why one of them had to die to be a donor. Otherwise I'd try a few other plans first like smearing feces on the wall or pretending my head is stuck in the toilet.

As the story continues, I see what's going on. They're twins! Erin is going to escape in a body bag! Hmm, I still would have tried some other things first.

Erin leaves Wayne Manor but not before Bruce Wayne tells her that story about the wolves fighting in the dream and the feeding of the one over the other. Oh, you know the story! You've probably seen it going about Facebook at some point in the last few years. That's probably where Bruce heard it. Alfred posted it on his wall on his Facebook page with a note, "Good thing you were rich enough to feed both, right Master Bruce? LOL!"

Once Erin leaves Wayne Manor (with Battracking Signal, of course!), her cousin betrays her and leaves her at Harvey's wife's grave. Where Harvey is waiting for her. Why can't these two just call it even?! Shannon's dead, Gilda's dead, both of their lives are in complete shambles. Does everybody have to have the last word? You know what Gandhi said: "Everybody having to have the last word leaves the whole word speechless." Or something. Maybe it was something else about eyes. And maybe it was Marilyn Monroe or Buddha who said it.

This is exactly like the alternate ending to Of Mice and Men where George gives up Lenny to the angry mob because he didn't learn the shoot your own dog lesson!

That "VRRRRR" at the end of the page must mean that The Goddamned Batman is arriving! Even though he ordered the Batcycle to go into "silent running." I guess it can only keep silent before it can't contain itself anymore.

Batman arrives in time to keep Two-Face from being gunned down by all of Keiron's men. Batman manages to defeat them all (of course he does!) while pinning Erin to a tree and Two-Face to a statue. But Two-Face pulls out the comic book physics and blasts the marble statue in half with his machine gun allowing himself to escape and causing the statue to fall on Batman, trapping him in a grave. Now that only Erin and Two-Face are left, I suppose they'll be talking out their problems next issue.

Batman and Two-Face #26 Rating: No change. All these advertisements for the Arrow television show composed of topless men with amazing bodies keep fooling me into thinking that the Milk: It Does a Body Good ad campaign is back. I suppose it's better than the television show stealing that other, ubiquitous milk ad campagin: Got Arrow? Or maybe, Got Loser? Got Boring Ass Fuckturd With A Bow And Arrow? I have yet to watch the show although it is on my Netflix Queue (along with about 499 other shows and movies) but I just don't know if I can bring myself to watch it. I just can't accept my Ollie without the stupid facial hair! I know he's much younger in the show but it takes place in Seattle, right?! And Seattle is just like Portland except sexier and in better shape, right? And just about every young idiot here in Portland has stupid fucking facial hair! So come on, Ollie! Get to growing that shit!

Animal Man #26

On Earth 16, Darkseid is a goat.

As if Buddy Baker didn't already have enough shit raining down on his life already, now he has to deal with being teleported to a strange planet to help some aliens with a pest control problem? And, according to the cover, those pests are Darkseid Goatmen. Fuck, man. You find one Darkseid Goatman in your house, you've got thousands of Darkseid Goatmen in your house.

Hmm. Maybe one Darkseid Goatman is problem enough.

What is it with Animal Man's name that causes me to instantly start singing some song or jingle using his name? I understand the last couple of issues where I was singing Animal Man to the tunes of Spider-Man and Particle Man. But today I picked up the cover and started singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Break me off a piece of that Animal Man!" Really, Tess? The Kit Kat Jingle? I completely understand singing it to Spider-man because that theme song has been stuck in my head for over thirty years. On the way to get some Iced Tea a few days ago, I was walking along singing, "Man-Spider! Man-Spider! Does whatever a Ma-an does! Wears a suit! Goes to work! Walks around like a big old jerk! Look out! Here comes the Man-Spider!" But I don't normally wander about singing the Kit Kat song. I don't think. Holy shit. Maybe I do!

Soon, Animal Man finds himself fighting side by side with the aliens speaking in the crazy fonts against Darkseid Goatman. I wonder if these guys are with Justice League Canada?

Animal Man and his new alien buddies run for cover, hiding in a tiny cave which the gargantuan Darkseid Goatman cannot fit into. Buddy decides he should probably make friends with the other creatures trapped in the cave with him.

Why would you try to shake its hand? You just ripped off one of its tentacles with that hand! How does it not see this as a threatening gesture?! I would pull out my penis and swing it around to mime, "See? I've got tentacles too?!" No, on second thought, it might decide to get even and rip it off.

Animal Man uses his powers (his really kind of shitty and boring powers, actually. If I were Animal Man, I'd spend all day channeling a ferret so that everything I encountered all day long would be the most amazing fucking thing I'd ever discovered) to channel a Darkseid Goatman to defeat the Darkseid Goatman. And I guess he passed whatever fucking test he was yanked off of Earth to take because he's visited by a creature whose name translated into "Suck the Root."

I mean "Bridgewalker"!

I bet Bridgewalker's instagram is filled with pictures of his Starbuck's cups where they've spelled his unpronounceable name incorrectly. Do those pictures of Starbuck's cups with the purchaser acting indignant because their name is spelled wrong on the cup piss you off as much as they piss me off?! Who the fuck do people think they are nowadays? Is everybody some Goddamn royalty and we're all expected to know how their so fucking creative and imaginative parents spelled their name, as opposed to terminally guessing at that shit? You do know that names don't have a standard spelling and if you're pissed at the way your name is spelled on your cup, I guaran-fucking-tee you that your name isn't even close to the most used spelling variation and/or Michael! Stop acting as if people are idiots because they didn't know there were three fucking "Y"s in Bryttyny! By the way, if your name is spelled creatively, it's probably a sure sign that your name is the most creative thing your parents have ever done and they're completely fucking proud and smug about it. Get the fuck out of here with your baby names! I always wanted to name my kid Jack and spell it Xqkktvyxplf.

The name Bridgewalker sounds like the English translation of a euphemism for gay that's used by people in a foreign country. Like how in Germany one of their phrases for homosexual is "he's from the other side of the shore." Bridgewalker sounds maybe like its a literal translation of this alien race's slang for bisexual.

Bridgewalker goes into a long spiel about how Animal Man has now been chosen to be the next Bridgewalker on the Seed Planet which is the source of all the power behind the Red and the Green across the entire universe and how if the Seed Planet ever dies all life will die and how the Bridgewalker keeps it safe and blah blah fucking fuck me blah blah blah. It's all layers, man! You thought you were the shit master of everything, didn't you, Daddy-o? But nooooo! You later learned the Totems were the big boys on the block! But guess what?! Even they don't know that there's something greater! A living planet of semen, bitch! Your ass is now master of the Planet of Seed! Now keep it safe or else everybody in the universe will be shooting blanks when they orgasm and females will be releasing little shells of nothing into their uteri each month! Unless it works differently on other planets which why should it if there's a Master Seed Planet behind them all?! Right?

Maybe! But Buddy Baker responds with a "Fuck that shit!" and Bridgewalker is all, "NO?! Did you just refuse, motherfucker?!"

And then Bridgewalker is all, "Oh, yeah, I see your point. Fuck. Sorry, dude."

Buddy and Bridgewalker come to an understanding. If Buddy will just promise to give up everything at some random point in the future when The Bridgewalker dies to become the Bridgewalker's replacement, and if Buddy will drop some Cosmic Acid to become closer to The Universal Red, Buddy can return to Earth and save Maxine from Brother Blood. I guess that's a pretty good deal because Buddy was having a tough time getting back to the Red to help out and now The Bridgewalker gave him a direct access pass and dropped him right in Brother Blood's Totem Pal's Lap.

Animal Man #26 Rating: No change. Bridgewalker is a fucking idiot. He calls together a bunch of Green and Red Avatars from all over the Universe to fight in some kind of cosmic deathmatch to see who will replace him. And for some reason he calls Buddy and Buddy wins. Buddy isn't even an Avatar of the Red! He's just a chump! A tool! A nobody! It should have been Maxine that wound up on The Seed. I suppose news travels slowly in The Red and The Green since even The Seeder still thought Buddy was the Avatar when he decided to try to kill him. There might also be an age limit to live on a planet made of semen, eggs, seeds, and pollen. What if Buddy had allergies? I bet a visit to The Seed Planet would have made his head explode.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Pandora #6

I really should compile a list of all the different characters and voices I've created during the life of this blog. At the top of the list would be, of course, me. Not to expose the magic behind it all but, yes, you guessed it. The voice of this blog isn't my actual voice! Many of the opinions expressed within this blog aren't my opinions at all (yes they are. I'm just saying that to cover my ass (no, no. Seriously. I say a lot of shit I don't believe (no I don't (I do! (you fucking don't (Fuck you!))))))! I realized I really need a list when I just reread my commentary on Pandora #5 and fell in love with the character of Philo Sophocles! A character I had no memory of writing! How many other characters have I created on a whim, merely to forget about them as soon as I hit the Publish button?! And how could I leave Cowboy Joe behind?! That guy was a masterful creation! I just wish he hadn't been murdered on the street by some random asshole that thought he was the Punisher of the homeless. Poor Cowboy Joe.

Now I feel like a dick! I just killed one of my most beloved characters! I take it back! I take it back! I didn't mean it, Cowboy Joe! Everybody just thought you were dead but you're just in a coma and most likely going to pull through! Please don't die, Cowboy Joe! I didn't mean it! Really, I didn't! I'm so sorry!

Speaking of Cowboy Joe, I just reread his commentary on Green Lantern #17 (which I linked to and which you should probably read if'n you ain't never read it) and fuck me. Just. Just fuck me. Cowboy Joe, how could I ever have forgotten you? Thank you for the words you laid down nearly a year ago. They're just what I fucking needed to hear. Holy shit.

My past self just made me fucking cry. Jerko.

So when we last saw Pandora, she was battling the Mini-Sins and The Blight in New York City. Way back in one of the Trinity War issues, she learned how to kill the sins. That's when she killed Envy. But she hasn't had a chance to try the trick out a second time until now. But will she remember that she had that power? I'm betting she doesn't!

Oh yeah, and Constantine was about to be eaten by The Blight while whinging on about how much he loves Zatanna and how much he took her for granted and how poorly he treated her and all that bullshit. Those feelings don't mean anything when you're about to die, John. Feel the same way when you're calmly having a conversation over a cup of coffee with her and maybe they'll be true. Do you only feel love for her when she's not around? When she might be in danger? When she's telling you to sod off and walking away with another man? Yeah, that isn't love or caring, you selfish prat. So shut the fuck up and get back on your feet. You know, after Pandora saves your ass.

Oh, she does remember! That must be why Mini-Envy is not represented. Still dead (but on the mend, I'm sure!).

I'm getting the distinct feeling that this is going to be another issue where nothing much happens except a bunch of punches are thrown as the Mini-JLD get their asses kicked by The Blight.

Hell, for most of the comic book, they don't even get their asses kicked! They just run around saving New Yorkers from certain dragon breathing death. The Mini-JLD's only plan is "don't die." And they're barely pulling that off! It's crazy how quickly a comic book story can take me from "super duper twelve year old kid interested" to "get to the fucking point already or I'm going to fucking have a wank." About the only thing that can win me back at this point is if Etrigan were summoned forth to save the day!

This story is actually reminding me quite a bit of Swamp Thing #50 by Alan Moore from 1986! All of DC's magic types gathered together to defeat some huge rampaging evil which eventually turns out to be simply a necessary part of reality. It just became more violent and ruthless depending on how mankind judged it vile and thought negatively about its role in the universe. Perhaps Swamp Thing needs to do to The Blight what he did to the Bad Thing way back in the Preboot Universe! Swamp Thing! Try telling it this since this worked before:

"I have nothing. I came in resignation. Whatever you are, I cannot fight you. But I cannot stand and watch. I cannot. I am not the one you seek. I have tried to make sense of that darkness and I have failed. I have seen evil, its cruelty, the randomness which it ravages innocent and guilty alike. I have not understood it. I asked the Parliament of Trees whose knowledge is older, greater than mine. They seemed to insist that there was no evil. But I have seen evil and their answer was incomprehensible to me. And yet...and yet, they spoke of aphids eating leaves, bugs eating aphids, themselves finally devoured by the soil, feeding the foliage. They asked where evil dwelled within this cycle and told me to look to the soil. The black soil is rich in foul decay yet glorious life springs from it. But however dazzling the flourishes of life, in the end, all decays to the same black humus. Perhaps...perhaps evil is the humus formed by virtue's decay. And perhaps...perhaps it is from that dark, sinister loam that virtue grows strongest? I...do not know. I do not know...what they meant."

See? Change the perception! Change the battlefield! Teach The Blight it is necessary and part of the entire cycle! It is neither bad nor good and, thus, it should not feel anger or betrayal at the way people choose to fight against it. It is necessary and its opposite is necessary. And if it destroys everything, it destroys itself! Teach it, Swamp Thing! Teach it!

You could also, possibly, just play ten million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it that everything is futile. Then it will give up and stop acting like a fucking prick.

Also, I should state, if it wasn't entirely clear from context, that the above blockquote was written by Alan Moore in that issue of Swamp Thing I mentioned earlier.

Oh! Speaking of Swamp Thing #50 and the Preboot universe, you know who was in that issue that I hope fucking returns to The New 52 at some point? Steve Dayton! Mento! Beast Boy's father! That guy was a nutty fucking dirtbag!

Constantine has a plan to use the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen! I don't know what that means! But they all need to be marked so it might be like the seance the magic types used in Swamp Thing #50! The seance that burned up Zatarra and Sargon! But this time, there aren't any hit eaters in the group that can be wiped from the New 52! Hmm, except Nightmare Nurse, right? No, no. Don't even think that! I'd miss her way too much! I'd rather have Pandora or The Phantom Stranger die!

Okay, now see this? This is more of the type of stuff that will keep me interested while they battle the beast! Just watching them stop dragon breath and get slapped around by Mini-Sins won't do it for me.

Although, depending on how the battle progresses, sometimes mere physical violence can hold my attention.

Like this here when Constantine loses his head for the first time ever. At least metaphorically. I think he's probably been decapitated before.

Well, I was hoping somebody would die but this is unbelievable! And a death in a comic book that is unbelievable doesn't really cause any kind of dramatic tension. But it was a nice surprise panel anyway! I suppose the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen will be the reason Constantine isn't actually dead. Although he's going to have a great big magic bill to pay off for casting the kind of spell that allows him to survive severe head loss.

Blight easily kills the rest of the Mini-JLD on the following page. Oh! I think John meant to use the Mark of Dun-Won-Ken! Whoops! Oh well. I guess Forever Evil: Blight is over!

Oh no! Wait, wait. Like an NFL Referee who...no, wait...like all NFL Referees all of the time, I called the play dead too early. It looks like being killed was just the first half of the plan! Pshaw! Like I didn't actually know that already! What do you think I am? A Novice Comic Book Reader?! I'm an Immaculate!

I hope Terrance Thirteen recognizes the Mark of Dun-Kon-Wen before he has these corpses littering his house cremated.

Pandora #6 Rating: +2 Ranking. Okay, this issue almost lost me for a bit. Last chapter of The Blight (Constantine #9?) just felt like a great big filler issue and this issue felt like it was going the same way. But it really brought up its game and cleaned up its act and took a shot of penicillin in the second half. They finally came up with a plan and took some action! Plus Constantine's head went flying 2D6 feet away! That was a pretty awesome critical hit.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Harley Quinn #1

This looks vaguely like Harley Quinn. Maybe it's her stunt double?

Last issue (if I wasn't so used to comic books and their gimmicks and their love of Zero Issues, it might be weird talking about the last issue when I'm commenting on Issue #1. Has a company ever put out any negative issues? Seems like after all this time, that should definitely be a thing), Harley Quinn received a building in Brooklyn from a client at Arkham Asylum. So my guess was that she's going to open a Detective Agency for the Criminally Insane. What else would you do with an office building in a major metropolitan area? Brothel for the Criminally Insane? Game Store for the Criminally Nerdy? Hospice for the Terminally Insane?

Oh! Maybe she'll convert it into a Roller Rink for the Criminally Insane!

Am I typing "Criminally Insane" too much?

Harley and her companions.

Harley's making the move on her motorcycle with her half-burnt beaver buddy and her newly acquired Sausage Dog which she kidnapped from a well mustachioed hipster. Oh, and the place she inherited was an apartment building. So it looks like it'll be Housing for the Criminally Insane! I hope she turns it into a halfway house where Batman villains can stay and try to make a go of normal life after escaping being released from Arkham.

As Harley is entering the city, she is beset upon (or just followed or attacked or threatened or chased) by Ghost Rider that forgot to light his face. He just happened to be sitting on the freeway with a Wanted Poster of Harley Quinn in his hand checking it against all the people passing by. He must have a really shitty memory or he's a face-blind bounty hunter if he needed to keep Harley's picture on hand to make sure he recognized her.

I'm four pages in and Chad Hardin's art alone is enough to recommend this book. I knew he'd do a bang up job after his work on Demon Knights.

I have a feeling human life isn't going to be portrayed as being worth much in this comic book! Which is fine by me! At least she cares about the widdle animwals.

Harley winds up knocking the guy's head off with her humongous mallet. And then she packs everything back up on her motorcycle and continues on her way. Because this is just the kind of wacky, crazy antics that happen when you've got a bit of a chemical imbalance and you're not always sure about the reality of your reality.

Harley arrives at home.

The bottom floor is the house of wax and murder! The second floor houses eight freak show tenants. The first tenant she meets is Danzig but he's going by the name Big Tony. Although he's identical to Danzig (right down to the height) so I think he might just be lying low until his career rebounds or he finally agrees to play the County Fairground circuit. She meets three other tenants: Queenie, an African American Gypsy; Giles the Goat Boy; and Spic & Span, the two-headed kid. I might have made up some of those names since formal introductions were not proffered. Third floor is storage and lumber so her Beaver will probably live there. And the fourth floor is her apartment. Seems like a pretty cool setup! A very suspiciously cool setup! Who left the place to her? Who's the bald lawyer? What's the name of the Sausage Dog?

Oh man. I'm thinking like a stuffed beaver. I think it's time to retire from Comic Book Commentary!

Apparently Harley is responsible for the back taxes on the place as well as insurance and upkeep. The tenant's rents pay for about half the cost of maintaining the building so it's a good thing she doesn't mind committing a crime here or there. Or she could just raise the rents! Or take out insurance on the tenants and murder them. It would serve them right living in a place called The House of Murder.

Hey, that's my joke!

Harley interviews for two jobs: therapist at an assisted living facility and Roller Derby Death Dealer. Lucky for Harley, the assisted living place has dangerous clients that she'll be able to make even more dangerous! And then at the Roller Derby Arena, she'll be able to solve crimes because there's always somebody being murdered or things being stolen or crazy plots being enacted at the Roller Derby!

By the end of her first day in her new place, Harley seems to have everything under control.

With a little help from Big Tony and his little friend (his gun. His gun is his little friend).

Harley Quinn #1 Rating: +2 Ranking. Most of that +2 in the ranking is due to the art. It pleases my aesthetic sensibilities. Hopefully she'll have some run ins with some more familiar assassins soon. I also appreciate a title character that's pretty much an amoral nutcase but with a streak of sentimentality behind it. So you know Harley is going to protect the people of her building and her beaver and her dog but not really give much of a shit about bystanders and strangers and other innocents in the area. Fuck 'em! It's hard enough keeping oneself alive in the big city without having to worry about all the collateral damage that can crop up when you're an escaped mental patient and ex-Task Force Xer! I have pretty high hopes for the entertainment possibilities of this comic book.

Vibe #10

I can remember Vibe's brothers' names, Armando and Dante, but I can never remember Vibe's name. I think I've run out of ROM. Oh, is Rom his name?

Last issue Vibe had been turned into a bomb to blow up Mordeth's wife whose name I can also not remember. I think it was also Mordeth! Oh! But I did just remember Vibe's name because his last name Ramon popped into my head and then Cisco followed immediately after. What the fuck is wrong with you, brain? Are you outfitted with a time delay to prevent me from being robbed by Knowledge Muggers? "Quick! What's the capitol of New Hampshire?!" "I'm sorry, you're going to have to wait three minutes for that information." Here's how I watch Jeopardy: *Answer is read by the pompous bitch Alex Trebek that can't help correcting everybody's French* Me sitting on the couch in my pants (the British style), "Oh yeah. I know that." Contestant gives the answer. I say, "Yep. That was it."

Anyway, Vibe was being dropped on top of Queen Mordeth (how does somebody trust their King and Queen when their name is "More Death"? I guess in Piradellese, "Moreth" probably means "gumdrops") to stop her from invading Earth by opening up Gypsy like a portal. The Queen's husband, Breacher (or King Mordeth if you're nasty), betrayed Vibe but he did it for good reasons. I think. If somebody decided to give up my life for a goal, I would probably think all of their reasons were mostly shitty.

Back on Earth, Amanda Waller was about to recruit Dante onto her team because his nanocites inside of him were about to give him super powers. I'm sure he'll take the name Inferno instead of Purgatorio like I'm hoping. I used to be pretty sure that he'd spit Waller's offer back in her face and become ARGUS's biggest enemy, just after Omega. But I'm beginning to think all Waller would have to say is, "It pays well," and Dante will sign the contract.

This issue begins with Waller doing paperwork when Vibe appears and puts Rupture's sickle through her desk. Well then! I guess everything turned out okay on Piradell! Except maybe Rupture died. And everybody else.

Preboot Waller would never have asked nicely! Preboot Waller would have lost a boot up Vibe's colon.

Vibe begins to tell Waller his story but because he's telling the story instead of the comic book beginning with the story, it's really kind of unreliable, isn't it? Vibe could simply be telling Amanda a complete lie about how the story ended! So that adds an interesting twist to beginning the comic this way as opposed to just beginning this issue where last issue left off.

Back where last issue left off (since I was just talking about it), Vibe was about to blow up! But Rupture saves his life by ramming his sickle into his chest. It totally makes sense because weapons in comic books only do what they're supposed to do and very rarely ever pierce hearts or damage internal organs. Even Batman's weapons which cause injury every few pages never do any serious harm. And by serious, I mean nothing the criminal can't live with with just a few minor adjustments to their lifestyle, like a wheelchair or a burning hatred to get revenge.

Next, Vibe describes how he and Rupture fought and Waller acts concerned about their fight causing interdimensional rifts back on Piradell like it did on Earth. But she only acts concerned so she can point out how she already knows why Piradell wasn't ripped to shred by portals in the way The Circus was when Rupture and Vibe fought.

I guess it goes "universe," "multiverse," "omniverse." Although I think Omniverse is just a stupid way to mix them both up. "Universe" means one stanza. Multiverse means "multiple stanzas." And Omniverse means "every stanza." So Amanda Waller doesn't know as much about the workings of the DC Universe as Dr. Veritas and every single character written by Scott Lobdell.

During the battle, Vibe winds up with Rupture's sickle and destroys all of Mordeth's raptors, her army. He also knocks the righteous fury out of his brother. But that's when Emperor Palpatine begins filling Vibe full of lightning force bolts. Darth Rupture watches, climbs to his knees, and says, "No."

Oh yeah, he also killed her. Or should I say dismantled her?

And then Armando learns the price that must be paid whenever somebody strikes down someone like Emperor Mordeth.

I believe this is called a "frommage."

I'm not exactly sure if Sterling Gates is referencing the Star Wars Franchise here or if he's going all the way back to the original source material that George Lucas lifted nearly verbatim from The Book of Matthew.

Now that Armando is feeling better, he realizes he has to stay behind to try and defeat Mordeth before she completely takes over the planet. Or he really just knows he can't live with the knowledge that he killed so many Piradellians. So he shoves Vibe and Gypsy (who they rescued! Did I mention they rescued Gypsy? Oh yeah! They rescued Gypsy!) throw a portal back to Earth and remains behind to die. Or to appear again later as Rupture in the pages of Justice League of America in a few years. It'll probably some huge crossover called The Rupture!

Back in Waller's office, Gypsy appears to threaten Amanda with a knife for one second. I think it's a just a bit of the old "I could have killed you" to make Waller feel a little more human and out of control. Although I'm fairly certain Waller knew Gypsy was there all along and only acted surprised to make Vibe think he had the upper hand. Have Waller and Constantine had a real confrontation yet? I'd like to see that as they both let their lines go completely slack trying to lure the other one in. It would probably end with each of them slitting their own throats and trying to out bleed the other to get the upper hand. Somehow. I don't know how that would work!

Vibe decides to keep working for ARGUS as long as ARGUS works on a way to get back to Piradell to save Armando. But he'll only work with Agent Gunn. So that would have been a good direction for this comic book to go if more people had been buying it.

And then Amanda texts a message to her new agent whose job is to keep a close eye on Vibe 24/7:

Purgatorio! He's not the blue monster thing.

Vibe #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Agent Gunn is now in the field with his husband as they're working with Vibe and the comic book is over? Dante has become Waller's pawn which means he's Vibe's nemesis which I pointed out from page one of issue one although Dante's super "hero" name has yet to be revealed. Although Inferno was my prediction and it was mentioned in a Next Month Blurb an issue or two ago. Although I still think Purgatorio would be fine. I bet all the agents he's supposedly killed (probably when he Super Powered Out for the first time in the hospital when Waller came to talk with him) are actually just suspended in some alternate purgatory-like dimension. Oh, I should probably level up as a comic book reader due to that! So now I'm back to the rank of Immaculate Comic Book Reader! Just one more level to go before I'm a Master again!

Overall, this series was much better than anybody wanted to think it would be since it was starring Vibe and all. This was a well portrayed version of the character. I hope he gets a mini-series sometime soon concentrating on the next chapter of his story working with Gunn and Klebba and learning about Dante.

Friday, December 27, 2013

Superboy #26

I remember a time when I would have been pleased to see Marv Wolfman's name on the cover of a comic book but after Trigon #1 where he rapes his way across all time and space, I have a bad feeling about this.

One issue with writing a blog like this is you get people responding to what they think are things that I said but are actually misinterpretations based on their reading my words as if I'm a fucking idiot. Not that I try to present myself as anything but a fucking idiot, so it's not really anybody's fault but my own. But I made a rule a long time ago while working on No Apologies! Press dot com around the turn of the century: do not get sucked into debates on the internet. Sometimes I allow myself a single response and then gather up all of my willpower and not respond to the inevitable response that follows. Because most conversations on the internet are mostly just two people willfully misunderstanding each other and then trying to clarify their position to the other person's willful misunderstanding while willfully misunderstanding the other person's clarification on the previous willful misunderstanding. If you understand. And besides, any time you try to clarify a point you made while rambling like a fuckhole, you only wind up sounding defensive and abrasive.

Not that I'm currently bristling with any indignation over rebeccamartin2's comments on my Constantine #9 commentary! They were mostly fair and completely understandably misunderstood since most of that commentary was the rambling, half-formed thoughts that had been in my head upon waking which I hurriedly tried to vomit forth into my blog. But as for the clarifications which I just can't restrain myself from expressing:

When I talked about an "institution full of douchebags," I did not mean DC Comics. Totally understandable how you would have thought that since it's a fair assessment of their public corporate policies regarding their treatment of characters and their seeming hatred for their fan-base. I just meant, you know, the general bad institutions that continue to make the social environment hostile to so many people. And, yes, technically I'm backing DC Comics although I think I'm providing a service to other comic book fans that is well worth the dollars I'm giving to them. Besides, I think there are some talented writers and authors that are doing some pretty good work at the company.

Yes, I like Brian Azzarello's Wonder Woman. If that version isn't Wonder Woman to you, so be it. That's fair enough. But telling me I'm crazy from disease simply because I'm enjoying a well-written story seems a bit harsh. I might expect that from Scott Lobdell, but from you, Rebecca? I'm hurt.

Lastly, I never suggested John Constantine could not be black and English. I merely wondered how many people would be up in arms if he were cast that way in a film. That one really was a willful misunderstanding, wasn't it? You just don't like me, is that it?! Well, now I'm going to be in a hurt mood while reading Superboy and take it out on Marv Wolfman!

I can't wait!

Wait a second? Who is this? Is this Superboy? Is he a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.? I'm confused.

Something is mindspeaking to him and calling him Jon, so that at least clarifies that this is Jon-el and not Kon-el who is lost in time and dead and stuff. So you can see how I really shouldn't have been confused at all! But the next page kind of is confusing! No hyperbole this time!

Oh Marv. You really have gone around the bend, haven't you? Just be glad I didn't scan the lower half of this picture!

Jon-el receives some psychic message about how he was previously killing super heroes but his genes were killing him and the psychic voice is the only one that can keep him alive. But first, Jon-el must kill all the monsters! All of them! I think by "monsters," the psychic voice means "Teen Titans." Jon-el becomes violent and wakes up choking Wonder Girl. That's where things had left off in Teen Titans when everybody heard Wonder Girl scream and Tim Drake said, "Oh, just ignore that."

Jon-el is confused for a second but the psychic voice (which I'm going to begin calling The Green Voice) tells Jon-el to read Cassie's mind so that he can get his bearings.

Whew! There it is! I've become so conditioned to that specific Narration Box that I was beginning to go through withdrawals.

Jon-el taps into Cassie's memory of Legion Lost #16 which is hardly firm continuity since so much time travel happens around that moment and the plot seems to suggest that Harvest is not Tim Drake. Hell, the plot of that comic book suggests Harvest is some guy named Captain Adym from the Echo Police who may or may not be a shard of the actual Captain Atom who exploded in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or something! I think Harvest should just slink right out of The New 52 Universe because he's giving me a headache.

Jon-el realizes that the Teen Titans think he's Kon-el and that he can use it against them to destroy them! And then he thinks, "Starting now!" and begins fighting Wonder Girl. What a fucking idiot! You don't come to a realization like that and then jizz in your pants immediately! You use that information to create a well-structured plan of attack!

Oh no. E.C.H.O.! That means Harvest is probably on board in his human guise and he's probably responsible for sending Kid Flash back to the past! Possibly to ensure that Tim Drake gets bitten by that vampire!

For some reason, Cassie and Jon-el have lost their eyeballs. That either means that they're being controlled by The Green Voice or they've become vampires. I wouldn't put any money on which it is because it really could go either way.

I think the other option is that the colorist was just being fucking lazy.

When Jon-el realizes he's currently too hurt and weak to stand a chance against Cassie (at least that's what he tells himself. I think she could take him even if he were at full strength), he pretends to be Kon-el and acts as if his memory has just returned. He also thinks, "It would be best to first heal, then plan and then take all the Titans down." Yeah. Just like I said, you pants-jizzer.

Jon-el passes out from genetic failure only to be awakened by the rest of the Titans in ECHO's medical lab.

I really hope The Green Voice isn't Trigon. I imagine it must be Harvest of 2933 that Lobdell wrote about in Superboy #19: Colonel Harvest! He's the one whose kid, Venn, was killed by super heroes (Kid Flash, maybe?!) so he decided to infect himself with a Chronal Virus that made him go back in time to kidnap Superman and Lois Lane's baby, Joke-el (damn, I forgot that's what I was calling Jon-el! Joke-el!), and raise him as his own. So The Green Voice must be Colonel Harvest! Although why he would somehow know so much about Jon-el and the Teen Titans doesn't make sense. I guess since he's in the future, he gets to know anything he wants about the past.

Jon-el decides to get out of bed so that he can destroy all the medical information the ECHO doctors now have on him.

Why would this guy travel all the way to Phobos to hunt? That's in our solar system and this isn't our solar system. Although I have no idea where it is. It'll probably wind up being retconned into our solar system!

Jon-el kills a doctor that has super powers and feeds off her meta-human life force. He also remembers things Harvest taught him because he was raised by Harvest in the past but in the future of DC's Now continuity. Anything associated with Harvest is pretty crappy, so I'm not really looking forward to following the adventures of Joke-el.

Jon-el accesses Kon's database and learns that he helps to form the Legion of Super-heroes. The Green Voice responds to this as if they're going to have a good time now. Maybe The Green Voice is Saturn Girl, twisted from the changes in the timeline due to Kon-el's death? Whatever the case, The Green Voice isn't revealed this issue which is lame because I don't know if I can care about it too much longer.

Superboy #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hated any comic book that Harvest was in and now I have to deal with Harvest's son he kidnapped from Superman and Lois? Ugh. Oh yeah! Also, Jon-el might not be simply Lois's son! While looking at his medical records, he realizes his DNA from his father is Superman but his genetic material from his mother is from a number of female meta-humans. So his parental situation is just like Freddy Krueger's! Except, you know, the opposite!

Constantine #9

This is Constantine presenting to Ultraman. That's why the word fight is in "quotes." I put "quotes" in quotes because the word fight isn't really in quotes; it's metaphorically in quotes by being set in a different font and color. I also didn't put the word "fight" in quotes in the two previous sentences to avoid confusion when I wrote about the word "fight" not being in quotes.

I had a really brief statement that I wanted to share but then I decided maybe I should preface that statement with a whole lot of rambling. So before I say the thing that I want to say (which is not any major, earth-shaking revelation of any kind but just a simple statement of something I'd like to see but I thought I should put the statement in context anyway), let me put the statement in context. Hmm, I'm really beginning to rethink the need for that parenthetical reference (whenever I first type "parenthetical," I always spell it "paranthetical." Never fails! 100%! Good work, brain!).

I know a lot of people are really mistrustful about things they read and are always concerned with ulterior motives behind the statements being made. Especially on Tumblr where delving into inappropriate humor can be quite a dangerous pastime. I know a lot of people prefer humor that doesn't come anywhere near offending anybody but I believe that if we ignore humor that can wind up being offensive, we avoid satirizing the truly offensive among us and who the fuck said they can get off from being made fun of? That means I tend to lose Followers on occasion because as I'm trying to mine for humor in these dangerous areas, I sometimes hit a natural gas vein or release a Balrog or two. It goes with the territory. That being said, I try to avoid being a complete dick because who wants to be a backer of a shitty institution full of arrogant douchebags? But sometimes you hit a mine when you decide to tap dance across the minefield.

I'm actually playing up my flaws a bit here because mostly I'm rational and level-headed and don't fucking fly off the handle at the first hint of one, single, non-essential mistake that I find in a comic book I'm reading. Nope! Not me! But I do find a common bond in the discomfiture and self-demeaning humour of a good British comedy. So one of my favorite things to do is to say something somewhat racist or misogynistic or homophobic or some other -ist or -ic that I totally can't stand people being and then, by means of explaining myself, dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole of completely offensive asshole. That, to me, is funny even though I wind up being the bad guy and looking like an asshole. It's the discomfiture, directed at myself, which makes me laugh.

True, it can also be seen as trolling since people will get angry at me. But I'm really just writing to make myself laugh. But trolling is trying to make somebody angry for the specific goal of making a fool out of them. They take the bait and you get to go, "Ha ha! Calm the fuck down, moron! Any smart person could have seen that was a joke!" And I don't engage in that bullshit. If somebody gets mad at me for something I said, I don't respond that it was a joke. I respond by pouting and hating on myself and feeling like a complete twat for a period of, usually, no longer than two weeks. So if I say something offensive, never call me on it because it makes me feel bad! Stop picking on me!

Okay, now why the fuck did I just ramble on about all of that bullshit? It's because I wanted to say something and I wanted everybody to know that it's genuine interest in the appeal of the idea that causes me to say it. Even after I say it, one might think, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything he just said?" Well, yeah, anyway. I just wanted to say, "I think the next reboot of the X-men movie franchise should be a completely gender-swapped cast." And not in a tongue-in-cheek way. And not in a way that changes the characters so that, say, Wolverine suddenly starts acting differently. The characters should absolutely remain true to their comic book counterparts. Just imagine how uncomfortable Emmet Frost would make a huge portion of the audience!

But this is a DC Blog. I should probably be talking about a Wonder Woman movie instead of a new X-men franchise. I bet Hollywood is ready for a gender-swapped Wonder Woman movie! I bet they'd think they can make that movie sell! Although I think the Greek Island of Themyscira might cause them a bit of trouble on how to portray that to an audience they think of as being entirely composed of young, teenaged, straight boys that tend to get wildly uncomfortable at any hint of intimate bonds shared between two (or more!) males.

Which brings us, somehow, to Constantine and his Mini-Justice League Dark! They have recently been evicted from The House of Mystery by The Blight who has managed to exit the Collective Unconscious and enter Chris "The Babysitter" Esperanza.

Meanwhile, Pandora has decided this would be an appropriate time to indulge in some self-gratification.

Blight is rampaging about New York with its own Mini-team, the Mini-Seven Deadly Sins. Or maybe just six because Pandora killed Envy. No, no! Seven! Because Evil Aquaman, the King of the Seven Deadly Seas, was recently shown coming back to life in some Forever Evil related comic book. Which means Envy is back, baby! Although only six Mini-Deadly Sins are shown on the big two page splash title page.

Oh no! I'm wrong. Seven are shown! I was just assuming the main one that was drawn closest to the reader was Blight. But I think that one is probably Mini-Pride. Blight, it appears, is a gigantic black amorphous serpenty blobby mist monster thing.

That's The Phantom Stranger's weakness? He can't battle what he can't categorize? Can't understand what he can't compartmentalize? He really is a tool of the Patriarchy and Christianity.

Constantine tries to point out that it's only a monster which isn't helping matters any. His imperialist British background is showing!

I wonder how many people would be upset if Constantine were played by a black man in a film? Or a non-smoker! For me, I think the only essential bit of Constantine is that he remains British. When I first typed the non-smoker thing, I instantly thought, "Yeah. You have to keep the smoking." And then in the next space of random thoughts, I simply asked myself, "Why? I think he'd work just as well without the fag." And then my brain said, "You mean cigarette. You're an American, asshole. You can't casually call them fags." And then my brain said "Sorry! Sorry!" to that first part of my brain that I like to call "Mary Poppins." She keeps me in right order, she does!

I bet my British readers just read that and thought, "Blimey, I knew it, bloody Mary Poppins. By the Queen's pants, I knew that twat established his entire idea of who we are from that movie. Pip pip! Cheerio!"

Back to the comic book, it seems that lead Mini-Sin I thought might be Pride might actually be The Blight, thanks to the clue from The Phantom Stranger about the dragon/man business. So now that I'm thoroughly unsure as to the existence of Envy, I suppose I'll just move on and ignore it until the comic book tells me definitively what's going on.

Meanwhile somewhere else some "withered old bore" is forcing some smart mouthed kid to help him with some Project that has Sargon the Sorceress strapped to a Magic Sucking Machine. My first thought was that the kid was Vibe but I don't think Vibe can pull off the attitude that this kid pulls of in a few lines. It could be The Crime Syndicate's Hostage although I'd suspect Vibe over The Hostage since I'm certain The Hostage will be playing his or her role over in Forever Evil.

Back in New York, The Mini-Justice League Dark begin to gain the upper hand after they teleport away for a nano-second to regroup. It works! They pin The Blight Babysitter to the ground while Pandora chases the Mini-Sins away. They now have the upper hand! They're going to win!

Oh no. Strike that. Reverse it.

Completely reverse it! Swamp Thing gets chewed in half and John gets bitten and stung and whipped and beat. He begins moaning like a love sick puppy that's never going to get to see his sweetheart again. It's totally disgusting! And then, like the cover shows, he fights the Crime Syndicate!

No, no. Just kidding. The Crime Syndicate never show. The issue ends with John about to be killed by The Blight. TTFN!

Constantine #9 Rating: No change. This was my least favorite issue of The Blight but I'm not sure if it's because the comic didn't really resolve much or because Christmas has left me feeling like shit due to spending Christmas Eve with my dad and sister and spending Christmas with The Non-Certified Spouse's father and his new wife and her grown children and finding I have no feelings or bonds to any of these family members. Plus I lost one of my clients on Christmas Eve because their 7-11 was taken over by Corporate and Corporate brought in their own crew. So that always feels like shit. Yesterday I was hoping sleeping all day with the cat would help and it has kind of dulled the edges of impending doom! I bet Tater Tots would make me feel better! Tater Tots and a nice long hug from Mommy!