Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress (1991)

The Huntress wasn't even supposed to be here today.

Not only was The Huntress not meant to be at work on the day dozens of old fashioned gangsters attacked the Justice League, she wasn't meant to be on the team at all! Flipping Maxwell Lord used his psychic mind control powers to get her to join which I could describe as rape but nobody wants to hear me discuss rape! First and foremost, I'm too facetious to write about anything that other people hold as profane or sacred, like The Bible or The Koran or rape. Second and almost more foremost than the first, nobody wants to read any serious and intelligent essays on rape, especially from an emotionally immature male dufus. But still! We all know mind control is a rape metaphor so this entire book emits the grossest vibes possible. It could only be worse if it were written by Gerard Jones. No wait! It could also have been drawn by David Finch! He'd have The Huntress getting out of the shower at least three times!

Just to clarify, I don't think women taking showers is gross. I think it's the opposite of that in that it's pure and clean! It's also quite sexy if you happen to live beneath the bootheel of the male gaze (which I do!). And nobody wants to be thinking "sexy" and "rape" at the same time! Therefore, grosser than gross. And if you don't know why it would be super grosser than gross if Gerard Jones were writing this book, just go read his Wikipedia page. I'll wait.

This issue was written by Joey Cavalieri. I've written thousands of these "reviews" and I don't have an extant tag for Joey Cavalieri (meaning I've reviewed no books written by him!). But that doesn't mean I don't know who he is! You should also know who he is because he wrote The Oz-Wonderland War starring Captain Carrot and the Amazing Zoo Crew! That's one of the first comic book series that I ever owned, second only to Crisis on Infinite Earths (which really catapulted me into the world of comic books). I don't remember if what Joey wrote was really any good but the books of Oz and Wonderland were some of my favorites in elementary school. So I remember the series fondly even if I don't totally remember the series.

This issue begins by lubing up my male gaze with a shot of Helena relaxing in her yard while reading a book and minding her own business.

Now I'm all raring to tube the esopus!

Helena is living in upstate New York with the child genius James and his robot invention. She recently gave him The Wizard of Oz to read but he was all, "Why was that interesting?" And Helena was all, "I never read it." That's probably something writers do called "building character." We now know that Helena is illiterate and the Brainiac child she lives with has no childhood sense of whimsy. Later a young white man is introduced but I don't know if he lives with Helena and James. I think Helena is Catholic so it would probably be a sin to live with a man outside of marriage. He probably just drops by for anal on the weekends.

Turns out the guy is The Huntress's sidekick but I don't know who used to kick the side of The Huntress. He probably thinks of himself as her partner but if I don't know who the fuck he is, he was definitely a sidekick. Plus he's got Dick and Jason vibes all over him.

Helena sees some giant Robocop dude in the papers and decides she needs to go back to New York and alert the Justice League. I guess it was a picture of Robo-Mob. That's the opposite of Robo-Cop, at least on the East Coast.

Oh, sorry. She doesn't want their help; she just needs a babysitter.

The Robo dude is some guy named The Hunter and he's killing cops and high level mob bosses while working for some other mob guy named Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati. So it's a mob story. I never liked comic book mob stories. That's probably why I didn't read The Huntress comics much and I tended to be wary of Batman comics. Some writers of Batman didn't seem aware that he has dozens of crazy and off-the-wall villains to battle and would usually just have Batman fighting plain old regular mob bosses. I couldn't stand any story that starred Falcone, even if he were battling Penguin or The Black Mask. Unless it was that New 52 run of Catwoman and then it was okay for a variety of non-mob-boss-related reasons (the number one reason of which was "no longer being written by Ann Nocenti").

I'm not familiar with The Huntress and her various cast of characters so while Huntress fans might have been excited to see a couple of pages of some Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucker telling his wife about cop stuff, I almost put the book down to go do something more interesting. Like maybe go in the other room to grab the shredder and see if it can take a full annual in one go. This cop tells his wife that some vigilante is killing cops and she takes the news pretty calmly. Probably because it wouldn't be much of a loss to lose a Jimmy Olsen looking motherfucking husband.

I always keep a sense of humor when it comes to cops being killed!

That caption was a leftist joke. I just want to point that out in case Elon Musk is reading this because he thinks humor is outlawed on the left. But he's wrong. We actually have all the really funny and insightful jokes! The only reason Elon Musk and his idiot fans think humor on the left is dead is because nobody on the left looks at a skinny kid on a playground and calls him a fag. Those are the only real jokes they have: playground bullying. It's all they find funny! And while I admit that some playground humor is funny, like when you fart on your friend's face and catch him with his mouth open, the really mean stuff that's the foundation for racism and hate crimes isn't particularly humorous to me. If you make a well-crafted joke that calls me fat, I'll probably laugh and then go cry in the bathroom in private for five minutes. But if you just call me fat and turn to your friends and high five them as they laugh their asses off (not because "You're fat!" was a good joke but because you just hurt somebody's feelings (which is the only thing they seem to find funny)), I'll just cry right there in front of everybody for even longer then five minutes because he'll probably punch me in the mouth for quickly replying, "Your mother is fat!"

Violence and mean-spirited humor is all the right thinks is funny. Sometimes I also think those things are funny. But I also find loads of other things funny too! Like that speech in Hamlet where he's all, "I'm so sad! Should I kill myself?! Boo hoo! Nobody's ever felt worse than me right now!"

The Huntress comes into the cop's apartment through the window leaving her shampoo and body lotion smell all over the room so when the cop's wife comes in and asks, "Who are you talking to?", she'll smell Huntress all over this guy and stop trusting him. She just ruined this guy's marriage. Unless I'm supposed to believe The Huntress is completely without smell! I guess that's not the most important part of the scene to the writer. The writer just wants to give The Huntress all the information the cops have on this Hunter guy so she can begin her investigation.

I'll skip her investigation and get right to the part where she catches The Hunter and unmasks him!

Who the fuck is this guy?

Oh! That's the guy from the beginning. I didn't know who he was then either. Then I put the comic book down for several days and didn't recognize that it was the guy I didn't recognize earlier. Man. Who the fuck is he?! Dick Grayson's stand-in?

A bunch of mob guys descend on Huntress and Hunter after Huntress saves the cop Hunter tries to kill. Then the NYPD rush in shooting anything that moves. One of the things that moves which they shoot is The Hunter. Huntress is all, "I'll get you to a hospital and dump you off in the lobby before skedaddling so I don't have to answer any questions that might cause me trouble. I hope you survive!" But Hunter is all, "No time! I'm dead!" Then he dies and The Huntress thinks, "Fuck this investigative shit. I know whose ass needs kicking and I'm just going to go kick it." The ass she's talking about belongs to Angelo "The Brick Wall" Brancati, mob boss.

I get why you made that whole "brick wall" metaphor, Angelo. But that part where people are lining up behind it doesn't really make sense. This is sounding like Nocenti dialogue.

Angelo's metaphor is messed up in a number of ways but that's what happens when somebody fixates on something to this degree. The Brick Wall is his whole identity! So begins by talking about a structure which has a brick wall on top. Doesn't make any sense, buddy. He's the cement that holds the entire structure together (or just the brick wall) but then he's also the brick wall itself. I suppose it's a minor quibble to say "cement" over "mortar" since mortar uses cement but a brick wall isn't just stuck together with cement itself. I'll let that pass. But to stand there acting tough and explaining how he's the cement and the brick wall one sentence after the other? He's a fucking lunatic! Then he finishes off by saying how when there's a brick wall, people either line up behind it or get shot up against it. It's like he worked the entire metaphor out just to get to the point where he can say, "If you're against the brick wall, you're about to be shot!" Which is a fucking good line! That I wrote! He should have just said that! But no! He has to say you're either against the wall getting shot or lining up behind it. But who lines up behind a brick wall?! A bunch of guys who need to pee?

Meanwhile, the Justice League (because this is a Justice League comic book, remember) has been spying on her and they figure maybe they should help her out of this mess. They probably also want to protect some cops but I don't like that part as much so let's forget about it.

Blue Beetle's bug comes flying in to the rescue just as The Brick Wall drops that line about The Huntress being on her own. It's like this thing were written by a writer who has never learned the word subtlety. The mob guys, also never having learned the word subtlety, beginning firing all of their tommy gun bullets into Beetle's flying bug. Beetle decides a hail of bullets is the best thing to jump into and heads to the ground in the middle of one. Ice clings to his chest because I guess she hasn't learned that thing that Iceman does where he just constantly builds ice ramps to slide all over the place. I know civilians hating the X-men was a metaphor for racism but thinking about how Iceman probably flooded so many buildings just so he could swoop around on ice ramps has me hating the X-men too.

The battle takes place on a bridge already falling apart due to New York's infrastructure completely falling apart (it's been a theme of this issue that I haven't commented on because it was boring and too close to the truth). The battle makes the bridge fall apart even more.

The cover shows Fire and Martian Manhunter taking place in this fight because DC's covers are constantly full of lies.

Is this the scene where The Huntress lets the mob boss fall to his death to show how different she is from Batman? I hope so! Even though Batman could let somebody fall to their death during a fight in which he took part that helped weaken the bridge that collapsed under the person falling to their death and still pretend like he didn't kill that person. Batman likes to pretend his no-kill policy is black and white but his no-kill policy is actually all kinds of gray. It's just nobody wants to argue with Batman about it because he debates like a fucking dick and wins most arguments because people just get so frustrated and annoyed while arguing with him that they give up.

It's also possible that this is just an easy way to end this conflict. The Brick Wall dies through no fault of The Huntress and thus she can't be hounded by the law for killing a guy. And The Huntress doesn't have to worry about this jerk making her life a living hell because he's been killed. But he'll also have fallen into a river so is he dead? Will he come back for a new mini-series? If this issue sold well, I'm sure he did.

The Brick Wall plummets into the river and his body is never found. Nobody tries to save him because he's a gigantic asshole. You know Ice could have done something if the writer had wanted her to. And J'onn wasn't in the fight but he was flying the Bug so he could have done something too. I don't think Beetle could have saved the guy though because Beetle is useless.

The issue ends with The Huntress throwing her costume into the incinerator. Does that mean this was the final story with Helena Bertinelli? At least until The New 52? Did a new woman take over being The Huntress? I have no idea because I never really read many of her comics.

Justice League International Special #2: Featuring The Huntress Rating: C. It's lucky to get a C! The Justice League was hardly in it. The antagonist was hardly in it. The Huntress was hardly in it. How did I even just read 38 pages of comic book when every single character that made up the plot was barely even in it? I think most of the pages were taken up by Helena which I don't count as The Huntress. And the Justice League didn't do a single thing worthy of their name. That one panel I scanned where Beetle and Ice are battling mobsters is the only action they took part in! The Huntress threw maybe two punches and one kick before the bridge collapses under The Brick Wall and kills him. Her partner who caused this entire story to unfold never even gets identified as anything but some guy she was working with! I'm probably wrong but I don't think he even got a name! And why was she living with some genius orphan? Oh, probably because DC has genius orphans coming out of their buttholes. Every main character needs at least one. This comic should have been called The Huntress Special Barely Featuring The Justice League because only The Huntress fans would recognize any of the bit players in the story. I sure didn't know who any of them were! I wonder if I can sue DC thirty years later for the blatant false advertisement that this was a Justice League comic book? I'm so angry now! Why did I fucking re-read this?!

I just realized the first special was exactly like this but using Mister Miracle instead of The Huntress. That one also wasn't a Justice League comic book! It was more of an offshoot of Mister Miracle's monthly book. And now they did the same thing with The Huntress. Wait a fucking second. This wasn't false advertisement at all. It was simply an advertisement! These fuckwits at DC convinced young me to pay $2.95 for a fucking commercial for a different one of their comic books! At least this fucking advert ended with The Huntress throwing her costume away so I didn't think, "I should read more The Huntress comics!" Instead I probably thought, "Good riddance!"

Convergence: The Question #2

Brrrrt!

That caption was a fart noise. It's also the noise my high school dungeonmaster used to make whenever he was leaving. Or making a pizza. Or rolling dice. Or, and I'm just extrapolating here from prior evidence, fucking somebody.

When we last left The Question asking questions like "Who am I?" and "Why is Two-Face so mean to me?", she had just teamed up with Batwoman and The Huntress. I think they want Two-Face to join their group so they can call their team TBQH, or "To Be Quite Honest." Unless they'd rather be known as QHTB, or "Quit Humping The Bagels."

Now that we've caught up to The Question, she's asking more philosophical questions like "If we're all going to die in the end, why do we bother?" She states it as "If life is conflict, why do we bother?" You know why we bother? Because we were born without any regard to our choice in the matter and lived long enough to become aware of our mortality. That causes us to realize we'd rather struggle and mourn and lose love and curl up on the floor in a ball crying our eyes out over a dead pet and stub our toes and get cavities and struggle with breast cancer than to not exist at all. Even persons of faith fear death because no matter how much you declare your faith is strong because it's basically a sin to not have faith, there's constantly a small doubt that your beliefs are based on bullshit. Or, and this might actually be scarier to those of a religious bent, that you didn't impress your god enough and will be spending eternity being punished for that brief faltering of your faith. We struggle with all of the bullshit because it's better than not being here.

At least, that's how most people feel. People do choose to kill themselves. And whether it's a trick of their brain chemistry that duped them into believing non-existence would be better than struggling or if they were simply and truly tired of the quagmire of life, they still, somehow, face the dissolution of their ego into the void of eternity and take the bravest (or most illogical (or, perhaps, sickest)) choice anybody can make. I'm tired of a lot of it. But I can't imagine be so tired that I choose to never be able to imagine anything ever again.

The Question will probably come up with something more optimistic like we put up with the struggle for love and family and friends and j;mily.... Whoops! Sorry! I couldn't help making jerk off motions with my hand and it fucked up my typing. If you're Batman or Sherlock Holmes, you now know which hand I use to masturbate.

No bickering! There's plenty of Question to go around.

Two-face is busy recruiting gang members to follow him into battle to defeat the other Two-face. I wonder if the other Two-face's face will be a mirror image of this Two-face's face? Or maybe the Harvey Dent he has to battle never had acid thrown in his face at all!

The Question continues her internal monologue about shit that relates to her dying father. That previous stuff about why do we struggle? That was about her dying father (and the human condition as a whole but, I mean, that's just because her father's struggle with cancer is just one example of what he all ultimately have to face). Then that thing about keeping a sense of humor? About her dying father. Now she's thinking about a guy named Charlie she knew who died badly of cancer which makes her think about dying with no regrets. I have a feeling she's going to say some shit about dying with regrets that I previously said in my Convergence: Atom #1 commentary.

Renee calls people who die with no regrets "stupid." I called them "lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes." We petty much agree!

The Question tracks her Harvey to the Gotham Courthouse where he's confronting other Harvey. Other Harvey's face is pristine. I bet he still doesn't call himself stupid like "One-Face." Fucking David Finch. That was the worst ending of all the first issues of The New 52!

The Question's Harvey asks Other Harvey if he can still tell right from wrong and tosses him his coin. Other Harvey says he tries to tell right from wrong but unless you're Ayn Rand or a fan of hers, you understand the majority of the world is grey. Or gray. Which is right?!

I suppose Post-Zero Hour Harvey Dent can lose his battle (you know, by shooting himself in the face) and it won't mean the end of Post-Zero Hour Gotham. Since so many people are fighting, it must be a final tally of fights won which indicates which city survives. Of course Renee isn't going to let any such thing happen. Not on her, and her ex-girlfriend's and "roommate's," watch.

Sex with a roommate isn't sex! It's just part of the chore wheel.

Renee walks in on the Harveys engaged in a legal discussion about the right to kill to save their cities. Is it defense? Or is it murder? It's the court case of the century! Whatever century they're in. But ultimately, Harvey is simply trying to convince Other Harvey why Other Harvey should be the one to live. This isn't murder at all; it's suicide.

Except that Renee jumps in front of Harvey Dent as Other Harvey pulls the trigger and takes the bullet herself.

Ouch. My heart. And my penis! Stupid tight boxers.

Renee's suit was made out of Kevlar so she's just fine. And even better now that she and Kate are kissing again. And she'll be even betterer later when they do whatever it is lesbians do with each other. Watch action flicks?

Harvey asks Renee, "What do I do now?" First off, you stop looking at the Question for answers! Ha ha! No, but seriously, Renee answers, "Be the good man." Then she leaves with her ex-roommate and her girlfriend while Harvey stand staring at his coin on the floor. I guess he's paralyzed by the choice about whether he should pick it up or not since it's on the floor and he can't flip it to determine if he should pick it up.

Afterward, Renee goes to visit her father and I don't feel a thing and you have to believe me because there isn't video evidence of my tears.

He's so fucked up on morphine that he probably forgot she was gay.

The issue ends with Renee realizing life is about the conflict and about the questions and about making mistakes and about getting the chance to make them right again. She also winds up with Two-Face's coin, so I guess he's gone on the straight and narrow. Or maybe he's just advanced to a six-sided die.

After Other Harvey shot Renee, he was sucked into a vortex. Is that because he was deemed the winner even though nobody died? Telos is a pretty shitty judge if that's the case. Maybe he was deemed the loser because he shot the wrong person and didn't kill them and no fight really took place! Whatever happened, it didn't matter because the Convergence shit was just an excuse for Greg Rucka to write this story about love and reconciliation and regrets and homophobic fathers.

Convergence: The Question #2 Rating: After reading this issue, I see how the first issue was as much of a set-up as it needed to be to truly tell this story. But the heart of this two issue series was in this issue. The Convergence stuff didn't matter at all. It just formed the set and the location for this story to take place. It even ends without any resolution to the Convergence fight which is just fine by me. That crap will probably be settled unsatisfyingly in the pages of the Convergence weekly. I'm sure everybody will wind up living together in some kind of peace and harmony on this world or, perhaps, all of their universes will suddenly exist within the non-space and non-time of the planet Telos and the Bleed. Anyway, this was a terrific story and I can't imagine any of the other Convergence stories will be better so I'm ranking it as the best of them all! I doubt I'll cry twice during any other books. Theoretically!

Divergence: Starfire

The new Starfire monthly is going to be written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner while being drawn by Emanuela Lupacchino and inked by Ray McCarthy. I think I just came in my pants like eight times. That's a good fucking team right there!

The sneak peek begins with Gen 13 answering an unasked question to an unknown person. It's quite obvious (and not meant to be a super secret mystery) that the person asking the question was Starfire and the question was, "Where should I live, Gen-13?!" Other people Starfire consults? Roy Harper. Tim Drake. Essence. Zatanna. And Cheshire, for some reason. Maybe she's been captured by Cheshire in that last panel and decided to pick her brain before she escapes.

She's obviously going to pick Metropolis! That's where solar-charged hero's live!

Starfire heads to Metropolis but to ask Superman for advice since he's an alien as well. She mentions she has no interest in being a super-hero and I still really have no clue as to why she was "an outlaw" over in that other shitty and forgettable comic book she starred in.

Starfire might fit in in Miami! Or, being she has orange skin, the Jersey shore!

I'm glad she didn't ask Batman.

Starfire's choice of places to live is Key West. And her first friend is Sheriff Gomez! Although Sheriff Gomez doesn't quite know it yet. To be continued in Starfire #1, yo!

Secret Origins #7

"Featuring The Flash and more"? How bad must the other origins be for DC to not want to include them on the cover?

The Flash
This origin is easy! Barry Allen gained his powers on that day he bumped into the shelves housing all of the chemicals and they went crashing down against each other like dominoes, spilling dangerous mixtures and shattering glass containers all across the floor of the police lab. When his Sergeant came in screaming, "What the fuckity fucking fuck is fucking going the fuck on in fucking here?!", Barry Allen panicked and said, "Er...lightning!" Then the Sergeant said, "Well, don't fucking let it happen again!" And stormed out of the room, slamming the door. And then Barry Allen was struck by lightning while standing in the chemicals and all the windows shattered and furniture exploded and Barry somehow survived. His Sergeant slammed the door back open and yelled, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!" Then Barry looked at the camera and shrugged his shoulders while holding up his outstretched palms and Captain Singh played his sad trombone somewhere in the station.
[[MORE]]
This version of Barry's secret origin begins with the most important part of Barry's origin that I can't believe I left out: PUNS! I mean, just mentioning running or being fast or being late or being quick or slow or whatever isn't really a pun but I don't know what else to call it! Sucking up to the Speed Force? Anyway, Barry likes to remember his mother on the day he had to run a race in school. See? They mentioned running! Where's my niece so I can slap her? Because that was a real niece-slap'er! Now that's a pun!

It's also the last thing Barry's mom ever said to him!

Barry is portrayed as a real momma's boy with a flair for the dramatic and a serious penchant for worrying! Maybe that's just because Barry is remembering the story of that day through an adult that knows the story ends with his dead mother all dead and stuff. Killed! Murdered! Some would even say it was...WIFEACIDE!

The police showed up to the murder scene and told Barry's father, "We're gonna run you in! Get it?!" And Barry's dad said, "That was some quick thinking, you guys!" And the cops were all, "Us cops got ta work on our race relations!" And Barry's dad was all, "Before you run me in, can I hug my son real fast?" And one of the policemen said, "Speed it up, buddy!" And Barry was all, "OH MY GOD MY MOTHER IS DEAD AND MY FATHER IS GOING TO JAIL AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Was that a pun? Calling it an "open and shut" case when the door was obviously not opened or shut properly? Also, why is this kid noticing evidence at the scene that the police didn't notice?

Barry puts police tape all around the house where his mother was murdered so he can preserve the crime scene until after he grows up and gets a degree in forensics. That's what he feels he has to do after seeing the way the Central City Police arrived on the murder scene and said, "Who here isn't a dead body?" Then when Barry's dad raised his hands, they said, "Whelp, you must be the killer then."

Then one day, Barry Allen was struck by lightning and doused by chemicals! He had become...THE STREAK! I mean, THE FLASH!

As a Crime Scene Investigator, Barry has all the skills he needs to design a suit that can resist huge amounts of friction and can shrink down to fit inside of a ring. Probably. I don't know where else he got those skills. He spends some time jerking off police officers with his words. Hey Barry! Don't you think it's time we all stop worshiping the ideal of what a police officer should be and start facing the reality of what they've actually become? Shouldn't we start noticing how the only people they're protecting and serving are themselves? Don't look up to cops, Barry, to find your inspiration. Be better than them.

The Flash Secret Origin Rating: I feel like I just rewatched The Flash pilot on the CW! At the end of The Flash's story to his dad, he has a memory of seeing some person standing in the shadows in the room where his dad was cradling his mom's dead body. I bet that was Pre-Flashpoint Flash! That jerk ruined everybody's good time while trying to save his mother from getting killed! And why would he want to save his mother anyway? Does he not want to be The Flash anymore? Does he hate being a Forensic Scientist? Does he hate having to take a day out each month to go visit his father in Iron Heights? I know that would drive me crazy! And then once you're there, you have to pretend to care about this person simply because he's your father? Ugh! I'd rather sleep in!

The Huntress
Does Earth-2 The Huntress even need a Secret Origin? Isn't her secret origin simply this: Helena's father is Batman and her mother is Catwoman. Boom! Secret origin! It would only be surprising if she somehow lived a normal life.

"Happy 5th Birthday! You're a sidekick now! Stop staring at my boob!"

On the night Helena's mom died (as seen in that comic book issue that the editor doesn't remind me of with his little box of reminderation), Helena met Supergirl!

Don't mind the way Supergirl's hair slides behind her eye. It's a Kryptonian thing.

Earth-2 Supergirl's suit is cuter than regular Supergirl's suit which often makes it look like she's wearing a diaper. Earth-2 Supergirl's suit makes it look like she's wearing teeny, tiny panties. Or a jockstrap. But Karen would soon change that, just as Helena needed to change her suit.

Catwoman just hadn't been feeling like herself for the last two years for some inexplicable reason!

The Huntress Secret Origin Rating: Nothing terribly new or different in this origin. All it really did was make me remember how much I miss Worlds' Finest starring the Super Besties. Stupid DC Comics.

Superboy
This last Secret Origin should prove interesting since Superboy's history has become convoluted after a string of bad writers all took their turn at making something sensible out of his past. Instead of mentioning how awful most of that was, I'm going to agree to forget all of it and allow this story, no matter what it says, to take its place. Here, for the first time after six or seven times, is the Secret Origin of Superboy!

It begins with Kon hanging out at STAR Labs trying to figure out who he is. First thing he knows for sure: he was created in a lab. After that, things get a little muddled.

As were we all, Kon.

This Superboy's history goes through H'el on Earth where Superboy didn't die but was recruited by that stupid cosmic piece of shit nothing, Oracle, and continues during the last story arc of Superboy by Aaron Kuder. It's nice to know he doesn't have to remember any of that bullshit future crap that happened in Teen Titans when he wasn't actually himself but Joke-el.

Superboy leaves having finally figured out he's Superboy. After that, his DNA results come in! It turns out he's 45% Kryptonian, 45% Human, and 10% Other! Oh no! So, um, pretty much what we already knew before this. How about revealing that final secret, you stupid dumb fucking shithole Secret Origin?! God curse you and your loins, Frank J. Barbiere! And your editors too! I'm not letting them off the hook! I'm also not going to name them because fuck editors.

Superboy Secret Origin Rating: It was actually nice to get a concise history of Superboy all in one place that just quickly focuses on the various plot points that were important in his horrendous comic book run. This story could have been better if it took place in LA since the title was "Lab Rat" which could be read two ways if, you know, it were taking place in Los Angeles.

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Batgirl #34

In her spare time, Batgirl fires up the Batgirlcycle to do doughnuts inside her living room on top of Batman comic books? Weirdo.

I'm going to read this entire comic book without once mentioning the red-headed elephant in the room. I don't mean to call Gail Simone an elephant! I mean, I do but not because I've seen her bathe herself with water shot from her nostrils! I mean, I haven't seen her do that! Did it sound like I was saying I saw that because I didn't see that! I also didn't mean to imply I've ever seen how she performs her bathing rites! I meant this being her final issue is the elephant in the way that people call things elephants when they aren't going to talk about them but everybody is thinking about them and so the thing that nobody is going to talk about tramples all over everybody's good time and squashes it into jelly anyway! Also, I think this paragraph constitutes talking about how this issue is Gail Simone's final issue since I basically mentioned it by saying I wasn't going to mention it. Or something. That's called apophasis! Or something else, maybe.

Wow. That was an awkward start to this commentary. Perhaps we should just forget it ever happened and move on, never mentioning it again? Just like that elephant!

This issue begins with Bonerbreaker trying to tell Charise how much she wants to fuck her but Charise misunderstands.

I know Simone really likes Pasarin and Glapion's art but here are two little tips to them from me, a middling artist: 1. Shorter torsos. 2. Bigger eyes. Now that I've said "bigger eyes," I also want to recommend "smaller mouths" for some reason!

Batgirl has borrowed Big Daddy's boat and has taken her Mini-Birds of Prey (actually better than that Condor infested other Birds of Prey team) to beat the shit out of Knightfall on her yacht. I wonder if all the Oracle fans were thinking Babs was going to become paralyzed again by the end of this story? The name Knightfall goes hand in hand with broken bat spines! Speaking of broken bats, you know what bat I'd love to cork? Batgirl! That was a disgusting fuck joke. I want to fuck her.

I probably shouldn't objectify a fictional character, especially since I don't know how old she is. She isn't under eighteen, is she? She doesn't look like she is although you can never tell how old a character is because comic book artists are wildly inaccurate at portraying age. If David Finch were drawing this comic, I might think that Batgirl and her friends were still in middle school. If Chris Burnham were drawing this comic, I might suspect every character had had sub-dermal yogurt injections. If Rob Liefeld were drawing this comic, I'd probably consider seeking out a professional attorney and pursue a fraud lawsuit against him and DC. I may not be able to define "art" but I know it when I see it!

This issue is called "Crash and Burn" because a bunch of middle schoolers with tiny eyes are about to smash their boat into some long-waisted woman's yacht.

Why is she pointing out her men are mostly females? Her name is Obscura! She should be giving out less details!

As the Mini-Birds of Prey board Knightfall's yacht, Gretel blows up the Batmanboat with a rocket propelled grenade. I wonder what Bruce's policy is on people damaging items he's loaned them? I can't imagine anybody out there is willing to insure Batman's vehicles. And Bruce can't be taking on all the financial responsibility no matter how rich he is. Batfamily will begin taking advantage!

Wait. Her name isn't Bonerbreaker? Why didn't anybody tell me! Oh my god. This is so embarrassing.

Charise has gone off to change into her Knightfall suit so that she can come back out and break Batgirl over her knee!

Nearly speaking of Oracle, I read the Ostrander Suicide Squad run while it was on the shelves. It's one of my favorite comic series ever and I remember how surprising it was to find out that Oracle, this mystery person that had been helping the Squad for months, turned out to be Batgirl. I don't know if it was Ostrander's idea but it was genius storytelling. It was such a great way to bring Babs back into fighting crime after Joker and Alan Moore had taken her out. Of course, The Killing Joke was supposed to be an out of continuity story but I guess it was just too good not to become canon. I also read The Killing Joke off the shelf! That was just as big a shocker as finding out Oracle was Barbara Gordon. What was so great about the move from Batgirl to Oracle was that you very rarely saw serious changes like that in comic book characters. They just kept a fairly regular status quo for years. This was historic shit! I mean, as much as funny books can be called historic! Pop culture historic! That shit's even more important than political historic!

I told you she wanted to fuck Charise.

Remember earlier where I said I wanted to fuck Batgirl? That was a joke. I'm not attracted to Batgirl at all. Never have been. Not even Yvonne Craig Batgirl! Although Julie Newmar Catwoman? Holy smokes! Anyway, Batgirl just doesn't do it for me. Also, I could never betray Tig from I, Vampire. Or Amy from Futurama. Or Nightfall from Elfquest. Not Knightfall from this comic book! This Knightfall is the ugliest person I've ever seen because she's ugly underneath her skin. I mean, we're all ugly underneath our skin. But I mean it more figuratively than literally. Charise Carnes is ugly because she's a jerko.

While the Mini-Birds of Prey battle on Knightfall's yacht, Obscura and her army, along with Officer McKenna and the Gotham Police, battle the mercenaries Charise hired to murder all the criminals.

She also hired criminals to help murder all the criminals. Did I mention she was crazy?

Bolt keeps getting cameos but he hasn't been a major villain yet in The New 52. That disappoints me. Maybe he'll get more on-panel time since he does seem to be in a leadership role here!

Batgirl and Obscura hired a few superheroes to help out. Fairchild appears with Starfire. Unless it's one of Fairchild's clones. Or one of her clone's clones. Also Raven helps out too. Probably in exchange for some juicy information she can use to betray Red Robin and the other Titans.

No, no. Sorry! That was the old, Lobdelled Raven I was thinking of. I think this one is entirely new. I hope this one is entirely new. I hope the entire Lobdell run of Teen Titans has been shot in the head and buried in an unmarked grave.

Other female heroes that make the Battle Royale: Batwoman (taking down The White Rabbit who might be the crappiest villain to have been created in The New 52 but who I can't wait to see more of!), Vengeance Moth, Tremor, Katharsis, Virtue, Mouse and Burden (honorary females), Misfit, Wonder Girl, Skitters, Katana, Catwoman, Zatanna, Bleez, and Rainmaker. How Obscura got Bleez's contact info, I couldn't say. I couldn't say how Obscura does anything! But it's not my fault! Her name is Obscura!

Batgirl takes a page out of Wonder Woman's crimefighting book and beats Charise by hugging it out. Oh, Sweet Mercy, you scurrilous scamp, you! What are you doing in comic books? The good guys are supposed to win by punching and kicking! Oh well. Charise is grateful that Batgirl shows some compassion and lets Babs know that her brother James is not dead. That makes Batgirl happy and happy is what Batgirl has needed for a long time.

She also asks Tiny Eyes Alysia to go with her. I hope they don't go to Chicago!

Batgirl #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's nice to see somebody in Gotham treating a mentally ill person as if they need treatment more than a broken jaw and a jail cell. I guess Batman doesn't have time to care why people are running around in clown make-up murdering other people. He just knows he didn't choose that life and they did, so they deserve what they get. It's also nice to see Barbara moving past her anger and hurt and self-doubt. Go get a studio apartment in New York and hit the clubs, girl. You and Alysia need to fuck your way right through that town!

Worlds' Finest #25

Do I have to think up stupid nicknames for The Huntress and Power Girl now? How about "Super Cousin" and "The Other One. You Know, The Brunette. The One That Was Scowling All Night In The Corner." Maybe I'll work on those.

People don't really like to read anymore unless you number the paragraphs and start out with a headline that assures people that they will be done reading in just a few easy steps. So I'm going to just start writing my own Cracked articles but not submit them to Cracked because I hate that fucking site. Why don't they just write funny lists about advertisements or lists of links to other articles about advertisements? Not that I'm above making money! If I knew what the fuck I was doing, you'd be reading a pop-up ad right now instead of my stupid bullshit! Anyway, here's my Cracked Article that doesn't appear on Cracked!

Top Five Literary Sequels If The Author Used Current Sequel Naming Conventions!

Before I get to Number Five (you do these lists backwards, right? If not, just renumber them the way you'd like them to be renumbered. But in your head! Don't try to hack my site and change the source code, asshole!), let me just say that the title could probably use some improvement. But from what I understand about Cracked, the article writers don't get to name their articles anyway (unless they come up with an exciting and clever way of introducing their list which makes sure readers know they're reading a relatively short list that will be split across at least two pages of ads)! I think they have Article Naming Monkeys that know the exact formulas for Link Baiting. I don't have access to a deep reservoir of business geniuses, so I just had to come up with my own title. You shouldn't have been expecting much if you'd read my new nickname for The Huntress.

5. Two Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey
After the legend of Bromden's successful escape attempt at Wacky Acres Loony Bin for People Society Can't Stand to Look At or Listen To Anymore, two new inmates decide to attempt an escape of their own! Wacky hijinks ensue as Nurse Ratched doesn't just lose her top this time because naughty bits really need to escalate in the sequel! The entire book is narrated by lobotomized McMurphy in an artistic tour de force of style by, possibly, a thoroughly inebriated Ken Kesey! Did you ever see his play about the environment starring the characters from The Wizard of Oz? What the fuck was that mess?!

4. Bitter Friday by John Steinbeck
So you couldn't get enough stories about Doc living down on Cannery Row, hunh?! Well here's one more! This time, Doc wakes up one Friday afternoon from a blackout induced by too many beer milkshakes the night before. What did Doc get up to the previous night? Who did he offend? How many stories can this setting really bear? Some might say not this many! Learn the mystery of the otter wearing the women's undergarments! Marvel at the amount of times Steinbeck tries to describe the smell of the ocean! Try to figure out the five levels of subtext that he's jammed into the story of an old man with pissy britches!

3. Houses of Leaves By Mark Z. Danielewski
If you thought the book with just one house was confusing, try a book about a whole suburban development full of crazy houses! Just trying to figure out how to read the book is a mystery since it's published on six interlocking Möbius strips with text that can be read backwards and forwards with no perceptible starting point! White font on barely off-white paper will have you not only wondering what the hell is going on in this book but if there is even a book to fucking read! Art for art's sake has never been so artsy!

2. Catch-23 by Joseph Heller
Fuck yeah, I know Catch-22 already had a sequel! But it should have been named this! And it should have been different because it was less of a one trick pony than Heller's one trick pony, Something Happened! If he had titled the sequel Catch-23 instead of Closing Time, then at least people might have realized it was a fucking sequel! I'd have more to say about this if I could remember anything more about Closing Time other then it was about hard water or something.

1. Dante's Infer-YES! By Dante
Don't get all uppity with me! I know it was actually called Commedia! But nobody ever reads anything but Inferno in The Divine Comedy anyway! It's like all you readers want to do is argue! Just fucking read my shit and get over yourself, okay? Anyway, the sequel to Dante's Inferno, Dante's Infer-YES! is about the protagonist (Dante? Was it Dante? When did I last read this shit?! How long ago was college? How many mushrooms was I on?) returning to Hell with a van full of kegs and weed! It's PARTY TIME, BITCHES! Get your head out of that barrel of shit and drink up, fuckers! Thaw out Satan and tell him to spit out Judas so he can shove some jello shots down his damnation hole! And don't anybody mention this rager to the suicides because we're trying to get our happy on down here and don't need any of their depressing bullshit killing our unrighteous buzzes! FUCK YEAH DUDES!

So that's the end of my Cracked Article that nobody will ever read because it's actually titled "Worlds' Finest #25" and that will only interest people that want to see scanned pictures of Power Girl's boobs.

Oh yeah! That's the stuff!

Mmm-hmm! Here's more of the stuff!

And the stuff just keeps on coming!

Holy shit! Cupcake tonguing?! Now I'm coming!

There were more pictures but suddenly I'm not so interested for some reason.

Power Girl and The Huntress are preparing to head home by doing things like giving their money to their former assistant's daughter and pouting about how they're not invulnerable and will probably die quickly back on Earth-2. Well, they're not both doing those things. One is doing one and the other is doing the other one. And while they walk around the park on their last day on New Earth, they both have the same sized breasts for some reason. I mean, Desaad is also planning on going back to Earth-2 with them.

Back at the lab, Gerhard and Spears prepare the equipment to send Karen and Helena (and Desaad) home.

I guess, technically, stealing technological secrets from Michael Holt doesn't discount her "self-made" status.

Finally, there's a big battle where Power Girl knocks Desaad into the ceiling and then she and The Huntress walk through the portal back home. Seems a bit irresponsible to leave all of her money to Tanya Spears and then to also leave Desaad in the lab with her. Seems like a waste of lawyer fees. Anyway, Desaad would rather go through the portal than stay behind and possess Tanya Spears. But if he can't make it through the portal, I'm sure Tanya will pay the price.

Worlds' Finest #25 Rating: No change. I really thought this would be the last issue with Power Girl and The Huntress but it looks like we need an issue where they get acclimated to life back in the war zone that is everywhere on Earth-2. I've got to say that I really liked the art team of Tyler Kirkham and Joe Weems/Art Thibert. I can't tell which inker I liked more because they weren't credited for specific pages even though you could see the look of the book did take on a different look in a few places, most noticeably in the lab. Although the cover is a pisser for fans of Earth-2 that were expecting part of the story, at least, to take place on Earth-2. I guess the covers got ahead of the story a bit. Anyway, I've really enjoyed most of the run of this comic book with Karen Starr and Helena Wayne. I've read that the next pairing will be Earth-2 Superman and Batman (not Replacement Batman and Val-el but the originals). That's really not very exciting since we already have enough Superman and Batman books, even if these are technically different characters than the guys in the other books. Hopefully the World's Finest pairings will change a lot more often now that they're establishing that the series won't revolve around just the besties from Earth-2.

Batgirl #33

Why do so many people want Gotham so badly? Is there a secret cache of gold hidden in the walls?

Why is everybody constantly fighting for control of Gotham? What's so special about Gotham? Or is it just that nobody respects The Batman and the Batfamily? Nobody battles for control of Metropolis like this! Is that because Lex Luthor and Intergang and Superman and the Legion of Newsboys are too formidable? I think it's because Metropolis runs so smoothly. Suicide Slums is the only place with cheap real estate and nobody's trying to improve it because that will drive the poverty stricken, desperate people that love the thug life into other parts of the city. Property values across the rest of the city are probably pretty stable. But I bet there is a fortune to be made on real estate in Gotham! Buy property in the crime infested areas of town, wait for Batman to clean them up, sell high as the area is gentrified, and repeat as another part of town collapses under the weight of thugs dressed as clowns. Batman could probably clean the place up but Bruce Wayne likes making money too much. Batman should be the poster child for gentrification.

But enough about Batman! Apparently this comic book is about Batgirl. She's anti-gentrification which is why she's after Nightfell. I think. Maybe she's after Nightfell because Charise is crazy, runs a crew of super powered thugs, and keeps people as pets. Of course she's also rich and powerful! I bet Bruce Wayne would love it if Batgirl brought down Charise Carnes once and for all. He'll buy up all of her property for pennies and then make sure to install skylights in all the buildings.

This issue begins with Batgirl going mental on The Huntress because Batgirl is prejudiced against people from Earth 2. Who wouldn't be? Damn Twofers. Go home! Don't bring over your diseases we're not resistant to, you grubby schmucks! Stop trying to take our New Earth jobs! Look at poor Helena Bertinelli having to take a job with Spyral because you stole her gig! Boo! Hiss!

Lucky for Batgirl she didn't fight back! This Huntress has Earth 2 Catwoman training!

Once Batgirl calms down, she and her extra long torso decides to tentatively become allies with The Huntress and her extra long torso. Mostly at the insistence of Black Canary and her extra long torso who realizes that Nightfell is really a Birds of Prey type of problem. But not so much a Birds of Prey type of problem that they need to tell Condor about it. Black Canary's probably just trying to find ways to get away from that jerk. I bet as soon as she saw The Huntress appear with that crossbow, she was thinking of ways to arrange for a little crossbow accident involving Condor. Okay, maybe that was me thinking that.

Batgirl's plan of attack is to get information on Bleak Michael from Alysia since Alysia was hired by him for that job that got Ragdolled.

I knew she knew! It's the smell! You don't room with somebody and not know all of their smells! Unless it was the way Babs always mutters "I'm Batgirl!" whenever she successfully opens a jar.

I guess Alysia isn't as smart as Lex Luthor like I was hoping because she merely thinks Babs works undercover for the Gotham Police. Anyway, she helps Babs get a lead on Bleak Michael.

Instead of using whatever information Alysia has, The Birds of Prey decide to ambush him in the Three Towers Parking Garage. Seriously, they needed Alysia for that information? I guess they needed to know which car he drove so they could set up the attack. I bet his license plate says "TOXIC" or "GASMAN" or "ACDFTSH". They catch him easily enough because The Huntress has Earth 2 Batman training!

Come on, Birds! You know how it works! Bleak Michael won't talk until Knightfall tries to have him killed so that he won't talk!

Nightfell's men try to kill Bleak Michael and then he talks! See, Batgirl? You have to remember how these things always go down! That way, you could have just created a scenario by paying some of Alysia's friends to pretend to try to kill Bleak Michael. This way, you had to rely on Nightfell's time table.

Is everybody thoroughly annoyed yet that I keep calling Charise Nightfell? It's a holdover from earlier Batgirl Diary commentaries that I just can't drop!

Bleak Michael informs the Birds that in fifteen hours, Charise is going to have all the criminals in Cherry Hill killed because she's hired an army of mercenaries. So Batgirl calls in some favors with Detective McKenna, Katharsis, and the woman that has her own army trying to take down Charise Carnes. She also calls up Batman to borrow some of his equipment even though she's kind of been treating Batman like crap since Death of the Family. But that's okay. Batman expects his Batkids to be angry with him more often than not. And let's face it, he's not one to let emotions get in the way with protecting his city, is he? I'm just glad nobody made a call to Condor.

Batgirl #33 Rating: No change. I wonder how Charise is going to feel about Katharsis joining the fray on Batgirl's side? I hope Katharsis meeting Black Canary leads to Katharsis joining the Birds of Prey and Condor getting the boot! Or better yet, the axe! Right in the face! Multiple times! Over and over and over! HACK HACK HACK HACK! Um. I'm not a fan of Condor.

Worlds' Finest #24

Power Girl seems to get all the cover love. There are two main characters in this book, DC!

A final sacrifice for the Earth 2 Besties and a final two tidbits that I found interesting while looking through my old school papers which my mother thought were important enough to keep. The first one was my elementary school was apparently sponsored by Carl's Jr. "Fuck you! I'm learning!" The second was that I missed 24 days of school in ninth grade. That's more than one full month of classes! I did not have mono or surgery or a deadly illness. That was just 24 days where I didn't feel like going to school and told my mom I was staying home. I think that's where I learned responsibility and self-reliance! My mom didn't feel like she needed to micromanage my schooling. If I felt like I could miss a day or two days or a full month, she believed me. Or she just didn't have the time to fight with me. I'm a pretty stubborn piece of shit.

Normally I'd use the last line of the previous paragraph for a clever segue into the comic book but I don't want to call The Huntress or Power Girl a piece of shit. Although I guess I can call the guy stealing radioactive material from MIT and holding Power Girl's employee hostage a piece of shit!

Yeah, that works! Pretend I did that without all the other extraneous stuff!

When The Huntress chooses to jump off the bridge as the piece of shit suggests, she Narration Boxes "Well, this may not be Austin, but..." for some reason. Am I missing something? What is this a reference to? Do people love to jump off bridges in Austin so they can keep the place weird? Even though she clings to the bottom of the bridge, the piece of shit and the woman possessed by Desaad get away in a hijacked car. That leaves The Huntress to call her friend that can fly. Too bad her friend is busy.

Oh my God! It's the Schoolhouse Rock song "Electricity" come true! Only better!

I say "only better" because the Schoolhouse Rock song says we could just get rid of our reliance on burning coal for power generators if we could find a super hero to turn the crank on the generator to produce power. But I always thought, "That super hero is going to have to power himself with food. How much food energy is he going to need to produce all that electricity?" But Power Girl is fueled by the sun! She could be our solar power!

The Huntress winds up having to follow the piece of shit on foot. She can't even swing around the city since she lost her crossbow in the river. No big deal for the daughter of Catwoman and Batman though! Even though the PoS has a car, The Huntress still manages to catch up to him just a few seconds after he exits the car with his hostage. In the scuffle, the hostage takes a bullet to her upper shoulder and the PoS escapes up an elevator on his way to blow up Boston with his nuclear goodies.

The Huntress catches up to the PoS who continues to shoot at her even though she already showed him once that she can knock his gun out of his hand easily enough.

Good thing she took those classes with Batman or she might never have realized a rock might make a decent weapon.

It's interesting that The Huntress makes such a big deal about finding an improvised weapon with which to knock away the piece of shit's gun at this time when she just did it so casually while saving the hostage. I guess using her tracking device as a weapon doesn't count as an improvised weapon because she probably practices destroying bad guys with every single thing she carries on her person.

Can I end my commentary now? Everybody knows The Huntress is going to stop the bad guy and save the day, right? And Power Girl is going to get the guy and the other guy and maybe a third guy. And then while congratulating everybody on saving the day, they'll forget Kara's employee was currently bleeding out from a gunshot wound.

Enh. It's probably better if she bleeds out since she's full of Desaad.

Worlds' Finest #24 Rating: No change. I'm sure solicits have spoiled who the next Worlds' Finest team is going to be once Power Girl and The Huntress head home. I hope the next Worlds' Finest pairing will be Blue Devil and Black Lightning. The West Coast needs some love! I think I've also run out of non-comic book material to rant about. I'm going to start a new feature called "My Not So Super But Athletically Fit and Hyper Rich So That's Practically A Super Powered Opinion." Or maybe something catchier. So y'all should send me suggestions about subjects you don't give a shit about my opinion on but I'm more than willing to tell everybody what I think, okay?

Worlds' Finest #23

I truly do not understand the fascination with finding a way home.

I suppose home, for me, was my grandparents' house. My mom raised me and my sister on her own and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. They were my favorite people in the whole world. My grandfather died about ten years ago. He spent about a week in the hospital before he died, so I was able to fly down and be with him a few more times before he went. His most pressing concern was what the weather was like in Portland. I held his hand and told him everything he wanted to know. Later, after he was gone, my cousin and I sat up all night drinking some kind of alcohol we'd found stashed behind his desk that housed his Ham radio (XXXXX was his handle (I just looked it up online and found his name and address under it, so I censored myself. It seems his license expired in 2010 though)), playing cribbage, telling stories, and crying our asses off.

Speaking of his HAM Radio, my grandfather had an antenna tower in his backyard that must have been fifty feet high which he installed himself. When I was in high school, he purchased a Commodore 64 because one of his ham radio friends had homebrew cartridges that could be hooked up to a telegraph key so he could practice his Morse Code. I spent many days during high school sitting next to him as he talked on his Ham radio and I played computer role playing games on the Commodore 64. He was always very excited to make contact with people in new places or to occasionally catch messages from the space shuttle.

I only knew one person more kind and caring than my grandfather, and that was my grandmother. The last few times I spoke with her on the phone, she had to keep asking me who I was. But she also kept assuring me that she loved me, whoever the fuck I was. I shouldn't swear while saying that! I don't know if I ever heard her say a curse word. My grandfather would occasionally let one slip when frustrated with some machine or another and we'd embarrass the hell out of him by pointing it out. My grandmother was constantly curious about the world although she never made it very far in school before having to go to work in the orchards and the canneries. Being first generation Spanish American, she was brought up Catholic but I don't think she believed much of anything that had to do with the religion and the church in her later years. She wasn't the type to apologize and make excuses simply because she had been raised a certain way. I remember her telling me once how she couldn't understand why the Catholics were always speaking so poorly of the Jews and that it really made her question the values of the church and its members. Her wedding photo with my grandfather was in formal wear because they were married in the courthouse. Eventually they got married in a church due to the pressures of the church and the times about having children that would be perceived, by some, out of wedlock since they hadn't had a church wedding. She had two children six years apart in a time when Spanish and Catholic families generally had large families. I never asked her but I have a feeling there were some non-church approved methods of family planning going on.

My grandmother tried to instill discipline in her grandchildren by threatening us with the big wooden decorative spoon that hung on the wall. Mostly she just hissed "mal niño" or "mal niña" at us. But she was too nice and couldn't stand to see her grandchildren unhappy or upset. Until the day she died, I could always make her feel bad by reminding her how she made me get up and walk to the back of the house to brush my teeth when I had shingles in second grade. I'm sure she thought I was being overly dramatic about how much it hurt but I assured her the pain was excruciating. And I assured her a lot through the years! I may have just liked teasing her but I think I also loved seeing how much she cared about me by how much that memory hurt her. Not that she'd weep over it when I mentioned it! She always laughed and got a kick out of it but you could hear in her voice how sorry she was that she had any part in causing me any kind of pain.

Anyway, they're all dead and stuff now, so let's talk about something that matters! Like Power Girl's outfit!

So cute! Although I don't know why Power Girl's outfit has made me tear up so much! So weird!

Karen Starr has decided that she doesn't have time for secret identities anymore! She has to find a way home even if it brings TMZ rushing to her lab's doorsteps. Starr Industries has one lab left because all of Power Girl's resources are now being directed at opening a portal home. She saw it done by Kaizen Gammora Jr, so she knows she can eventually do it as well. Especially if The Huntress finds a way to steal all of Kaizen Gammora Jr's files about Project I'd Better Do As Flip The Fuck Out Superman Commands.

Dude, when's the last time you saw a woman with eyes where her vagina should be? Eyes up top, perv!

Karen and her German boytoy test out the equipment and, coincidentally, Boston has a huge blackout. And to make matters worse, Darkseid's boytoy, Desaad, has decided he'd like to prank Boston while their power is out. What a huge joker! Also a massive dick sucker. He just loves massive dicks! Like Darkseid's!

That last paragraph may have seemed like I was immaturely using homosexuality as a way of belittling Desaad but I assure you it was not. It was just facts! Desaad is totally Darkseid's lifemate! Not in the way two loving people become a couple and live the rest of their lives together. But in the kind of way where Peppermint Patty is so charismatic and powerful that Marcy decides to give up everything in her life to wait hand and foot on Peppermint Patty and to, you know, give her adult pleasure when she's feeling tense. Or horny. Or hungry. Or world dominate-y. You know. Whatever. Mr. Burns and Smithers have that kind of relationship too! As did Dick Cheney and George W. Bush! Whoops! That time I was using homosexuality as an immature way to belittle someone. I sometimes find it's worth throwing my ethical values out the window just to see the look on some total asshole's face when I call them gay. Sorry! I'll try to work on that. Unless money is involved. Then fuck my ethics because I'm getting paid!

Meanwhile, The Huntress is breaking in to MIT to steal their Telnet server so she can log in to TinyEARTH2. During the blackout, she runs into three other people breaking into the university to steal their supply of radioactive material. So now she has to deal with that.

This is a thing that is happening as well. Karen's assistant Tanya gets possessed by Desaad. Make your own joke for that. I didn't even want to mention it but thought it might be important later.

As you can see in the panel above, The Huntress's pursuit of the bad guy with the radioactive lunch box brings her into Tanya's story. Even though she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman, the Huntress winds up caught off guard when the car crashes. At least she lands on her feet thanks to her mom's cat skills which she has for some reason. I think it's because her face was once licked by a radioactive cat. That gave her cancer and she died but the lick also gave her new cat powers which enabled her to live again eight more times! Another one of her cat powers was to have a litter with kittens from different fathers. So The Huntress probably has a half-brother out there whose dad is Superman. Anyway, the evil doer takes Tanya hostage and tells The Huntress to jump off the bridge or Desaad gets it.

Worlds' Finest #23 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this comic book series is the interaction between best friends Power Girl and The Huntress. And that didn't happen this issue, so I can't like it as much as I usually like it. But I did like it because it was a good story decently told. Although Desaad could have been a little creepier. And Power Girl could have had sex with somebody for three or four pages. Very slowly. And then hard! And fast! And then slow again! So slow! And then quicker! Quicker! Quick...hmm, I've lost interest now for some reason.