Rogues Rebellion #6

Remember people! This is the ROGUES Rebellion and not the ROUGES Rebellion. The Rouges would be Captain Cold Cream, Make-up Trickster, Heatwave Hair Treatment, Weathered Face Wrinkle Remover Wizard, and The Mirror Master.

What I have learned from this cover is that the sun is still eclipsed and that Grodd is a bigger bad-ass than Amazo, The Fearsome Five, Parasite, and all of Firestorm's enemies combined. I suppose that makes sense since he is a super fast gorilla. Nothing can beat a super fast gorilla.

This issue begins with The Pied Piper talking with an unconscious Glider. He's supposed to remain out of the fight protecting her but he's currently working through an iron clad argument for why he should leave her unguarded so he can go battle along side his old friends, The Rogues. He's also reminiscing about how much he liked hanging out with The Rogues but felt he never really fit in.

I don't want to really judge or anything but maybe you didn't fit in very well with super villains is because playing a flute at somebody isn't the most threatening act.

The three Rogues that are currently left in this series (Weather Wizard, The Trickster, and Mirror Master) are holding their own against about a baker's dozen of super villains. Mostly that's because Weather Wizard has the ability to blast multiple people with lightning while blowing another half dozen down the street with hurricane force winds. But he's still just one guy and even one guy of the super villains isn't just one guy! That's because he's Multiplex and he finally forces Weather Wizard into the defensive position that brought each of us into the world and the one which we're most likely going out in (especially if we're being kicked to death by multiple versions of the same guy): the fetal position.

But The Pied Piper flutes into the battle to save the day by fluting! And looking kind of cool for a guy armed with a lousy flute.

Can you think of a less intimidating weapon? Perhaps a box of chocolates? Or a kitten? Or a three month old infant?

Luckily for The Rogues, the Crime Syndicate didn't quite think think through their plan of sending lots of super villains to kill The Rogues. The Super Villains feel just as comfortable beating on each other as beating on The Rogues. It's not like they got a message telling them what to do anyway. If any of these villains missed the memo that The Rogues had a price on their heads, they might just think they were suddenly teleported into town to destroy the lumpy pink idiot with the lamprey face. And if they don't jump to that conclusion (which seems like a fairly jumpable conclusion), Pied Piper can always Flute Control The Parasite so that he attacks the other villains.

But at the end of things, the numbers just can't be denied. Too few Rogues; too many non-Rogues. It's a simple algebraic equation, really. They're simply overwhelmed and beaten to death. Or would have been beaten to death if not for The Pied Piper's Flute poking Glider awake.

She saves them with her tassels.

Since Captain Cold isn't here to come up with a plan, the job falls to his little sister, Glider. Mirror Master creates a huge mirror that Weather Wizard blows all the bad guys into while The Glider makes them all intangible so that the wind won't blow them in as well. Then The Trickster gets to break the mirror. Maybe all the really bad guys are now involved in the Arkham War.

Afterwards, The Rogues stick around to be thanked because they never learned from The Jeezly Crow Batman that you're supposed to disappear immediately after saving the city.

After this there's some sappy ending about family and looking down their noses at bad guys that kill. Nobody likes a holier-than-thou judgmental criminal!

Rogues Rebellion #6 Rating: +4 Ranking. This has easily been the best part of Forever Evil. These guys easily head a successful monthly title. As long as Buccellato wrote it! Or maybe Garth Ennis! Although that would be a whole different kind of clusterfuck for these poor guys. The Trickster already lost an arm. Who knows how many more body parts he'd lose if Ennis were writing it.

Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!

The Flash #18

It's either because of the bag full of diamonds or his twelve inch penis.

I think I'm going to go through my pre-Crisis on Infinite Earth's Who's Who comics and add "Penis Size" as a category to all of the personal information. If they can guess at something as useless as a character's weight, I can guess at the length of their manhood. "Penis Size: (Flaccid) X (Erect) Y". I hate to speculate as to whose might be the biggest in the Who's Who but I suppose it would be between Darkseid and Mister Terrific. And that isn't a "black men have big penises" joke since the Pre-Crisis Mister Terrific is white. But the stupid name had to come from somewhere!

Oh! And look at that! He was Terry Sloane who is now Mr. 8 on Earth 2! I did not know that!

And here's more proof that he's got some serious goods in those tights from the back cover of Issue XVI.

Night Girl is simply aswoon at the possibilities. If she's this into big dick, it could suggest that Cosmic Boy is also packing a mighty magnetic anaconda in his future tights as well.

Why am I discussing Super Hero Penis Sizes instead of reading The Flash? Perhaps his hilariously inappropriate name threw me off track.

The comic begins with a long shot of the Keystone City skyline with cranes on just about every building. I guess those monkeys really did a number on the infrastructure. The camera pans in closer to reveal a quiet street in the Diamond District. Moving inside a building, the camera reveals a lone security guard eating chips and watching porn on his laptop. And then the silence is broken with a loud KAAAA-THOOM as an explosion rips through the building! A shadowy figure with a hammer moves into the smoking ruins. The only sound is the security guard's rasping breath as he slowly bleeds out from shrapnel. The figure moves in, smashes a case full of diamonds, and an alarm sounds! The thief escapes with...wait a second! What the fuck kind of shitty security system did this jewelry store invest in? The entire front of the store is blown open and no alarm? Even if that explosion somehow took out a security system for breaching the store that is separate from an alarm system for the cases, the explosion smashed a bunch of jewelry cases as well! Perhaps the security guard was outfitted with a deadman's switch which would trip an alarm only after he died! And then it was just a coincidence that he bled out just as the thief smashed the case with the diamonds!

Whew. Good thing I thought up a totally plausible reason for the weird alarm system or I wasn't going to be able to get my mind back on the comic book.

The Flash has been busy helping rebuild the city since Grodd's invasion. I don't know if this is such a good idea. I know he's fast so he can do everybody's jobs for them while they sit out of work because they're too Goddamned slow, but he isn't actually a carpenter or a drywaller or a bricklayer or an engineer now, is he? He's definitely not union.

No, it's also about putting skilled laborers out of work. I'm not sure I'd allow my kids to play on that.

When people walk at normal speeds around a city, they sometimes bump into other people while turning corners or not paying attention. Does The Flash ever round a corner and suddenly bump into someone? I know his reactions are supposed to be super fast but even he can be surprised if the timing is just right. Would he simply explode right through them? Do you think he'd tell anybody? Or are the Gem Cities' papers filled with reports of people mysteriously exploding into a fine mist?

Barry Allen is dating (or possibly living with. But that's just extreme dating anyway) Patty and he's allowed her to retain the memory that he's The Flash. That's pretty magnanimous (and unsafe!) of him. If I were Patty, I'd totally love fucking The Flash suspect every friend Barry brought by the apartment was another Super Hero. He'd introduce me to his friend and every time I talked with the friend, I'd probably use a lot of air quotes. "So, 'Bruce', how do you know Barry? Did you meet him on a 'business trip'? Would you consider yourself a 'super friend'? You're Batman, right?"

Currently Barry is suspended without pay from the Central City Police Force due to being dead. But now that he's not dead, he's waiting to see if the union will allow him to come back. If they knew he was The Flash and he was taking other union jobs, his union might not look too favorably on his request to be brought back to life. I wonder if Deadshot is having the same problem with the Suicide Squad's union.

Ha ha! That's really funny. The Suicide Squad having a union! Ha ha! See what happens when unions are crushed?! The bosses stop caring if you live or die while at work! And fuck child labor laws! Add the Teen Titans to the roster! No fire exits in your sweater making factory? Fuck you! You're all going to die! Oh la dee da! You want changes made so that you don't die? You're fired, asshole!

While Barry waits to hear about his real job, he has a non-real job serving beer to Central City's Rogues at the Keystone Saloon. Currently The Trickster is drinking beers acting down on his luck. My guess is that he didn't do the diamond heist! At least he's not dead from having an arm torn off by a talking ape.

Cut him off, Charles! You know he's had one too many when he can't even say "Ape-ocalypse" correctly. Other than stumbling on the word, that was a good pun!

Does the Keystone Saloon pay off all the cops so that the place isn't continuously being busted? The Rogues hang out in full costume all the time! Perhaps only Barry Allen is hip to the hideout due to his amazing powers of observation as a Central Keystone City crime scene investigator. Is there a super villain called the Investi-Gator? There should be. He could be Detective Chimp's rival!

The Trickster really is pretty drunk since he just won't shut up about his criminal activities. And his new arm!

My letter to DC must have worked! Puns left and right! Mostly right with this one.

If I were The Trickster, I'd call my new hand a "her" as well, if you know what I mean! I think we all know what he means by "test drive" as well. I'd be afraid to get that cyberhand anywhere near my penis though! And here's the rest of the page just to show that I'm not being inappropriately vulgar!

I'm pretty sure they are talking about masturbation! Also, I think the trick thing counts as a double pun! It references The Trickster's name and trick as in a sexual act provided by a prostitute!

Those men with guns that know The Trickster's name? They're cops. Yeah, I guess everybody knows this is where the super bad guys hang out. They want to arrest The Trickster for robbery and murder. I'm fairly certain that The Rogues and thus The Trickster have always tried to avoid murder. They just don't need the extra heat from a crime like that. But who could the shadowy diamond thief be then? If this were a Scott Lobdell comic book, he wouldn't tell us for another five issues. Being that this is a normal comic book by a decent (if not actually quite good) writer, I'm guessing we'll learn the bad guy's identity by the final page. If I'm wrong about that, I'll owe Lobdell an apology. I won't give it to him. I'll just throw it on the pile with the rest of them.

The Trickster escapes by losing a hand and slipping out of the cuffs. Don't worry, he just lost his new fake robot hand. It's probably just a big plastic, lubed up fist. I'm sure he has plenty of cheap replacements for it. The arm is where all the actual technology lies.

Before Barry can change into The Flash and go after The Trickster, the two new guys from the cover show up to nab The Trickster. They call themselves Speed Force. The guy in the football jersey is Sprint and the guy on the rocket powered Segway is Turbo Charger. I guess their powers are sprinting and charging turbos. I guess those are better powers than spinning like a spaz. I mention that because these are two of the guys sucked into the Speed Force many issues ago. And just like Turbine, they seem to have gained super powers while inside the Speed Force. I wonder if Iris West has any herself?

The Flash manages to capture The Trickster and prevent Speed Force from hurting anybody or themselves. But they're pretty crappy as super heroes, so The Flash decides to lecture them after handing The Trickster over to the authorities. Or putting him in a shed for safe keeping. I'm not sure what he does with him yet.

The Flash's lecture basically comes down to "stop using your powers, you stupid douchebags. I'm the hero here!" I may be interpreting what he said a bit liberally. Who gave The Flash the right to say who can and cannot use super powers? Fuck him! What a dick! He steals contractor jobs and now when someone threatens his job, he tries to put a stop to it? Barry Allen is a big jerk! Maybe a bigger jerk than Superman and Batman! And I liked him up until now!

Well, I still like him. I'd put a stop to some stupid guy flying around on a rocket Segway too. And a lummox in a football jersey that can, well, sprint fast? I guess? They simply speak in generalities about their powers during the conversation, so I don't really know what these two idiots can do. Maybe Sprint will become a bad guy now that The Flash has pissed him off when he got Sprint's girlfriend involved.

Meanwhile some post-ape-ocalyptic group known as Outlander Nation (I think these guys live in the Badlands and were associated with Mob Rule in an early story) are threatening to storm the city and free The Trickster from Iron Heights if he isn't released. They claim he's a citizen of Outlander Nation and thus not subject to U.S. laws. I'm sure that will go over well.

The Flash decides to prove The Trickster is innocent of the diamond heist before more hell breaks out in Central Keystone City. He checks out the police report and the warrant and finds the evidence lacking. So then he decides to speak with The Trickster in jail. I guess vibrating-through-walls powers come in pretty handy sometimes. His discussion with The Trickster leads him to go after a sample of The Trickster's bombs to test them against the explosives used at the scene of the diamond robbery.

Oh Trickster. You do not want to get into a copyright fight with a massive corporation like Holt Industries!

While The Flash is in the prison armory checking out The Trickster's balls (will that joke ever get old?), Outlander Nation attacks the prison. And The Flash slams into the wall as he tries to vibrate out to fight them. His powers have just disappeared. And they've disappeared because of the moment I've been waiting for for months!

Way to go, Nelson and Roxie! Now I'm tempted to move Dial H #11 up in my stack!

The Flash #18 Rating: +2 Rating. This comic book really captures an aspect of comic books that I can't quite communicate. It's something visceral that brings me back to when I first began reading them. It's a very comic booky comic book, if you get my meaning. If you don't, well, I don't have the words to make it any clearer. I might be able to find them but that would take effort! Anyway, I enjoy reading this comic book. It's building a great character and a great cast. Every issue feels like it's not just built on one or two previous issues but it's standing on the spines of all the other issues, ruining their near mint condition. Stupid comic books. Stop standing on each other! Get back in your polybags! Also, a regular New 52 character finally had their powers taken by the Dial H Dial! Yay! Oh yeah! Go read Dial H, nerds! If the best comic books get cancelled because you're all reading shitty comics that star characters you love from the cartoons, I'm going to be really angry with all of you!

The Flash #12

Does she slow him with her super power power or her super hot body power?

This issue begins with Glider breaking Captain Cold and Heatwave out of the armored vehicle taking them to jail. Since she gathered up Weather Wizard a few issues ago, it looks like Glider is getting the old team together for the New 52. And since the Flash Annual mentions The Rogue's right there on the cover, I'm about 60% positive that's what she's doing. One of the Rogue's on the cover of the Annual is the guy who spins around like a moron that The Flash rescued from inside the Speed Force. That guy is hilarious!

After reading the first page, it looks like Glider actually just wanted to break out Heatwave. She leaves her Brother strapped into the vehicle as it crashes through a barricade and plummets over the edge of a highway off-ramp. Sisters! Weather Wizard sweeps Heatwave into his car as he passes by the accident as Glider flies off to deal with another part of the plan. Captain Cold is saved at the last second.

I looked up the Pied Piper in my Who's Who from 1991 and was surprised to find that he was openly gay even back then. It seems he came out after reforming sometime after Crisis on Infinite Earths. So he was out of the closet sometime between 1985 and 1991. Very nice. Although I still think it's a bit weird to make the guy that plays flutes gay.

So The Pied Piper takes leaves Cold hanging. But Captain Cold isn't up there for long. Another member of the Rogue's Gallery happens along to help him out.

I don't know what Leonard did piss off his sister and Heatwave but I'm guessing it'll all come out in the Annual. Unless it's Pre-New 52 history! I wouldn't put that past DC.

The Rogue's Minus Captain Cold plan on getting even with Dr. Elias for doing something. Have I not been paying proper attention to this comic book? Glider puts a piece of shrapnel inside Elias which causes him to collapse in The Flash's arms in front of a bunch of reporters at a press conference. Elias was reporting on his new Green Monorail system which Heatwave and Weather Wizard are busy sabotaging. They send it off the rail and through one of Mirror Master's portals in the side of a building. I guess that was their plan? Steal a monorail?

Oh! I guess there was a little more to it!

The only thing left to do is escape through Mirror Master's portal. The Rogue's jump toward it and then smash their faces on a wall of ice. Don't fuck with Captain Cold, bitches!

I have to like this guy since he's the only super character I've ever cosplayed. As an adult, anyway!

The Flash #12 Rating: No change. This issue was fun but it just seemed all prologue for the Annual! I'd read that immediately just because they tie in but I only have two more comic books left of the regular New 52 before I'm all caught up (not counting Batman Incorporated #3 which my comic book store hasn't sold me yet! Jerks!).