All Star Batman #10

The new Robin is a bit rough around the everything.

• What do you have to do to get a Batman story that stops jerking itself off over how great Batman is and begin dealing with his adult healing from a childhood trauma? The guy is fucked up! The Who's Who entries in the DC Universe should include the stat: "Bat-enabler?" Somebody should get him some non-Harleen Quinzel therapy.

• I just sang the Narration Boxes as an operatic dirge to my cat Pelafina. She's purring so I think that's a good review.

• Alfred Pennyworth is narrating this story. He assures us that this Batman story is unlike all of the other Batman stories. Oh good! Just like I wanted in that first bullet point! I can't wait! Although, I mean, Scott Snyder began last issue saying that he wasn't writing a Batman story. And then the big twist at the end was that it was a Batman story. So I'm not holding my breath about this story being any different from all the others.

• This story takes place in London's past which totally doesn't explain the cover at all.

• Scott Snyder has done something few writers ever do! Usually when I like a writer, I like just about everything they do until the day they die tragically. But Scott Snyder has gone from writer I thought was terrific to shitty hack with pretentious underpinnings. Here's how he begins this story: "[This story is] different from the rest. Of course, it starts the way the others do. The angry young man, far from Wayne Manor. Lost. And like the others, it's a mystery — a detective story about the distance between the boy he was then and the man he is today." Well, thanks, Scott! I'm glad you informed me early that this story isn't like all the other stupid comic books because this one is smart and has a theme and shit! And knowing comic book readers are stupid fucks who are only hoping to see Batman punch somebody in the face, it's a good thing you're letting us know up front that this story is better than that! I'm sure I would have completely missed all of the smarty pants stuff you were up to if you didn't clue me in. Although, I'm suspicious now. You got me trying to think about why the last story wasn't a Batman story only to end with "Surprise! It's a Batman story!" So why should I think you've put any more work into making this story different? I think maybe you just tell people at the beginning how smart and different your stories are so that you don't actually have to make them smart and different!

• This story also takes place in Miami's present which probably explains the cover completely.

• Something called the Genesis Engine is being auctioned off on the black market. Batman probably wants to get it for himself so he can make billions of dollars with it.

• A bunch of shit goes wrong when Bruce meets with the dealer. Bruce finds the dealer dead in a manner that reminds Alfred of his youth when he used to graffiti a symbol all over London. That's when Alfred explains to the reader that this mystery isn't about Bruce at all. It's about Alfred.

• In other words, last story actually was a Batman story. But this story actually isn't a Batman story. So it really is different than other Batman stories being that it isn't a Batman story at all. But Scott Snyder couldn't have begun two issues in a row saying "This is not a Batman story," right?

• This story didn't have any alligators or crocodiles in it. I guess Alfred and Batman killing animals in a swamp will happen next issue.

• This story was much better than the last nine issues of this comic book. Except maybe for the part where they explain the name of the place where the guy selling the Genesis Engine lives. That's pure Snyder! He over-complicates things to give a vaguely Umberto Eco-ish atmosphere. So the place is Latin for a right because the thief was crucified to the right of Jesus and the guy who runs auctions out of the place is a thief who is descended from pirates and only works with other people descended from pirates. For being a whole pirate theme, it's weird that Snyder decides to start with the Latin and the Jesus and the thief stuff. I mean, the only way they really tie in is that pirates steal things. Oh but the atmosphere it creates! So mysteriously esoteric!

Batgirl #4

Yappy dragons are the worst.

Dear Diary,
Did you hear about Jennifer Lawrence scratching her butt on a sacred rock?! So disrespectful! And you know there's nothing worse in the world than disrespecting other people's irrational beliefs! I mean, sure, I get having an itchy ass in a wet suit because you might not have wiped particularly well that day since, you know, my Batsuit is practically a wetsuit and I've also had those kinds of days when I get undressed and reach down the back of my underwear for a good scratch and then bring my fingers up to sniff them and they're covered in poo! But I'd never wipe my ass on a sacred rock! That's like burning a flag or drawing Mohammad or having an abortion! These are things other people don't want other people to do for reasons that I suppose we should all just agree with because they're so passionate about them. Not that I believe any rock is sacred or that burning a flag is dishonoring servicepeople or that drawing Mohammad is a form of idol worship and therefore against Allah's word or that having an abortion is killing a baby! But other people believe those things and I guess I should respect those beliefs? I mean, unless I strongly believe the opposite! Like how if a rock killed my grandmother and now I had a sacred duty to wipe my ass on all rocks!

Anyswayze, who really cares, amirite?! I suppose people who can't get enough with finding faults in other people because it gives them righteous indignation boners. Although in her story, Jennifer Lawrence did admit that the real curse is white people, so why is everybody so mad? She was, like, admitting that thing we all knew already!

Also that thing I said about sniffing my butt fingers was just a joke. Ha ha!

So this week, I met these supervillains who were really into researching American dropouts. Weird!

These criminals were Asian dropouts which is like the worst of the worst when it comes to dropouts! Unless that's racist! I mean, even if it is racist, it's probably sort of true. Not that they're the dumbest dropouts out of all the dropouts! Heck, a Korean dropout is probably thirty times smarter than an American high school graduate! Um, that's probably a racist assumption too! But if I can't make racist assumptions in my own Diary, Diary, where can I make them?! Oh! I know! In Trump's America! Hmm, this Diary might be a best-seller if I leak it to the right American publisher!

Oh man! Speaking about racial stereotypes, how about those Korean gamers?! Holy crap, those guys are serious! I'd wipe my ass on a hundred sacred rocks before I disrespected a South Korean gaming clan in an online game! Especially if it's one with PvP because if you attack one member and defeat them, you'll suddenly find yourself attacked and destroyed in the most massively coordinated attack in the history of coordinated online gaming attacks! I've experienced in a game called Archmage that I played when I was like six! People tried to warn me! But I was all, "No, no! I can take them down!" And then I was attacked by fifty people at exactly the same time thereby bypassing the cool down time for getting attacked once you've been completely destroyed. Bastards!

More Asian dropouts attacked and I had to get out of there because I felt bad beating them up when they were victims of a social attitude that demands excellence in academics that not everybody can achieve. They weren't the monsters! The culture they lived in was the monster! Wait. Is that racist too?! I mean, can I, a white woman, judge the value of another society if that value causes unwarranted pain and hardship among the populace? Or should I just keep my white nose out of it?! I'm glad this Diary is private and a whole bunch of judgmental assholes won't be reading it! Can you imagine, Diary, if you had a comment section?! Eep!

Meanwhile this was happening to Kai although I didn't know it yet! Sigh. Look at those abs! Why am I suddenly reminded of the Hoover Dam?!

I needed some help with The Mystery of Whatever the Mystery Was (I Think It Had To Do With A Martial Arts Tutoring Program That Kai Ran Afoul Of?). I really do need to work on my Mystery Names. How am I ever going to market a series of Young Adult novels about a super hip chick with a majorly fine ass who goes around the world solving mysteries and fucking hunks if the name of the mystery can't even fit on the cover?! I think the first book should be called "The Mystery of the Penis Filled Orifice!" Hmm, I'm thinking about the Hoover Dam again!

Anyswayze, I called Frankie to help me out with my mystery. She was all, "That Biowhatever you're whosit now whatsit thingy was created by the what's-his-name who was accused of stealing and publishing some other chick's research but the accusation was never proven." And I was all, "Gross! Shouldn't the accusation have been enough to prove the research was stolen?!" And Frankie was all, "Right?! The guy who stole it barely graduated so he totes couldn't have come up with that shit himself!" And I was all, "So gross!"

Frankie found all the clues I needed to put this Mystery (and Kai!) in bed! To bed? Whatever! The bio-encrypted drugs or whatever that Kai was somehow involved in transporting were going to be used to make all of the stupid Asian kids smart enough to pass their tests so their parents would give them oral stimulation of their genitals! That's a thing, right? Oh man. Don't tell me. Racism again, right?! Egads!

So anyway, Teacher stole the bio-crap out of Kai's stomach and then the bio-crap left in his stomach was destroyed by antibiotics when he ended up in the hospital! Now he's going to be killed by some Asian gang and I'm probably never going to learn what his man-meat tastes like! Probably like licking a sweaty foot, right? So gross! Now why am I thinking of the Mojave Desert?!

Before leaving Kai for good, I, as Batgirl, advised him to get a real job and then maybe Barbara Gordon might want to date him. If he had guess that I was Batgirl at that moment, I totally would have done him! But he didn't because he's just as dopey as I remember. Too bad! His body was good enough to do ethically terrible things! Now I see why Batman lets Catwoman get away with everything just short of murder! Or does she murder now? I think she murders now, right? Or is that just a red herring?

Anyswayze, following the trail of clues I worked super hard to get Frankie to discover, I found the Super Villain Cram School run by Evil Teacher! My first act was to batarang the shit out of her Evil Study Drugs which shattered all over her and turned her into the Bane version of my seventh grade English teacher! Or maybe a different teacher. My 7th Grade English Teacher was Mr. Sousa and he had a weird obsession with Romeo and Juliet, so much so that we spent one entire quarter doing nothing but reading and watching different versions of the play. The ballet! The pop art modern take! That old movie that showed tits! A version of it in the park! I suppose if he sucked down some Venom, he'd just boner rage down to the closest Shakespeare Festival.

So I was just about to get into a fight with Mrs. Bane when I realized I was bored with my life abroad. I mean, I still kicked her ass and all but that story will have to go unheard by any Diary. I mean, I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore! Sorry, Diary! I need to concentrate on my vagina before it dries out!

The Review!
I'm more interested in this series than I was the last time I read an issue but it's too late. I've taken it off of my pull list! It's a shame, too, because Batgirl is the only character in the DC Universe who knows how to handle a thought bubble! Also she has a great ass!

Batgirl #3

"Taste my thumb! TASTE IT!"

The Commentary!
• I used to write reviews of Batgirl in the voice of Batgirl writing her diary. I think it's only fair to Batgirl to let her take a stab at writing my diary for Thusday!

Dear Diary,
I have a penis! Look at my penis, Diary! It makes a lot of my decisions! Or stops me from making decisions, even! Basically every decision I make, the first question I have to ask is, "Will there be a possibility that somebody will gaze upon my flaccid member?" If there is then I don't do that thing! I mean, if they were going to look at my erect penis, no problem! It looks good! And, sure, sometimes my flaccid penis looks okay too! It looks normal adult-like! But sometimes, it looks like a little boy's penis! Not that I spend a lot of time looking at little boy penises! But I was a little boy once and sometimes I think my penis forgets that I'm not a little boy anymore! Sometimes it's like, "Here I am naked! Nothing remarkable or unremarkable to see here! Just a guy and his penis!" And then sometimes it's like, "Don't look at me! I look like the statue of David! Why couldn't the ideal flaccid penis size have remained the same as in Greek and Roman times! I'm a monster!" But luckily, this being Thursday, I didn't have to make any decisions like that!

AnySwayze, me and my penis woke up around four in the afternoon. We ate Burgerville for breakfast and then watched American Horror Story Hotel until about eleven at night. At first we were all, "I don't know if I'm going to care for this one. A hotel? Whatever!" And then I was all, "This one might be the best put together AHS series yet! I mean, if you like throats being slashed and butts. I'm pretty sure this season is 50% throats being slashed and 50% butts. It's pretty good!" Then I read a couple of comic books. Then I went to Taco Bell to get dinner because I am a mad nutritious eater. After that, I watched the first episode of Luke Cage and now I have a secret crush on Luke Cage. That motherfucker is one motherfucking charming motherfucker.

That's about all I did so far today! It's now four in the morning and I'm writing a diary entry in the voice of a girl obsessed with the idea that I have a penis. That is all!

• This issue begins with Batgirl knocked the fuck out because she got knocked out by The Moth. Batgirl might be great at kicking ass when she's fighting thugs in Gotham but she's not so great against professional fighters, it seems. I hope no professional fighters ever become Gotham criminals!

• When I use the word "thug", I'm using it in the comic book vernacular. That's a totally acceptable word to use to describe anybody Batgirl is kicking in the face. I am most certainly not using it like conservative politicians and their lackey talking heads use it! You know how they use it! They use it as a synonym for another word that I'm totally not going to type even though to type it in this context where I'm simply discussing it would certainly be appropriate! I'm even going to simply move on to something else before I make a wildly inappropriate joke about it!

• I didn't mean to suggest that I have a joke in mind! I just meant that I write these things in a stream of consciousness fashion and sometimes my unconscious speaks up louder than my conscious and before you know it, I've typed something truly terrible into the commentary! And apparently I love everything I write so much that I never use the backspace key.

• Speaking of the unconscious, I was dreaming last night the way that I dream every night. In my dream, somebody mentioned the word "stairs" in the title of something and I pictured a staircase before realizing that the person meant the word "stares". And in the dream, I thought about how that could happen when I was dreaming and realized that it totally made sense because my unconscious comes up with the dream and then surprises my conscious with it. So it's like my conscious mind is a little kid being read to be my unconscious mind. Then I continued to dream forgetting that I was dreaming.

My friend Paul once knocked himself out jumping off of a train trestle into a river. He almost drowned but was rescued by two teens doing mushrooms who were hanging out on the bank of the river. Afterward, he repeatedly asked me what happened. I was worried he was severely concussed so I asked him, "Do you know who you are?" He answered, "I'm Batman!" That's how I knew he was fine.

• Paul is the friend I mentioned previously who has only ever read three books in his life. Of course, he may have read more since high school. I should ask him! Although if he only read three in school, I can't imagine he really got interested in it afterward!

• Barbara learns that The Moth is deaf which was totally obvious to anybody who read last issue and who has also had an experience in their life where they completely embarrassed themselves by screaming at a deaf person because they were upset that the person wasn't paying any attention to them.

• Two girls come up to Babs after the fight and scream about how cool she was. I guess they love watching people get humiliated in the ring! I know I do!

• Barbara can't remember the fight because she got knocked out and she probably has a concussion. That's kind of how those things work. But apparently, in the world of comic books, she can remember the fight by purposely bypassing her short term memory to check the fight on her long term memory which is totally okay because she has that eidetic memory thing. Yeah, that's how that works! I mean, it might be! What am I? A neurologist? I don't even know how to spell that!

This translation isn't accurate. I don't see any punctuation in that tattoo! Stupid American rules about punctuation and quotation marks!

• For some reason, Batgirl realizes Kai is in danger. I thought he was on an airplane headed for China? I guess Batgirl wasn't knocked out long enough to miss him. I still don't know why she knows he's in danger! Just because The Moth had the same tattoo that the Sailor Geisha had? I guess her realization is better than suddenly seeing a news story on a television set in a department store window that was describing Kai being attacked by ninjas.

• Just as Batgirl surmised, The Moth, dressed up like a ninja, is attacking Kai! Or locked him in a closet, anyway. I guess she just wanted him to miss his flight?

• Batgirl punches The Moth out of a window of the skyscraper. I guess she assumed that The Moth could fly because her name is The Moth. Luckily, her assumption was right and The Moth glides to safety, even if it's by a completely insane circuitous route where she bounces off of a bunch of well-lit windows on her way to the ground.

• Barbara gets annoyed at Kai because he won't tell her that he's really a supervillain. I'm not saying he is one! But Babs only gets angry because he won't admit to being one.

• Batgirl does a lot of thinking in thought bubbles which makes her look way old. Doesn't she know that the cool thing to do is to think in Narration Boxes now? What an old timey loser!

• I actually prefer the thought bubbles. They make more sense. You never get a character using thought bubbles to think, "My name is Barbara Gordon. I'm Batgirl. You might remember me from television and comic books."

• Batgirl figures out what Kai is up to when some guy on the plane to Korea tries to sell her some probiotic additive. She realizes Kai is working with somebody who majored in bioencryption so he must be smuggling information in his gut flora! Or something. It totally made sense to Batgirl when she miraculously made the connections.

• Once in South Korea, Batgirl's first stop is to search The Moth's locker at the gym without a search warrant!

Yeah! What's a stupid blockheaded fighter doing learning science!? So suspicious!

• Batgirl heads over to the other location she was investigating due to the clues she was following so she could solve the mystery. But the only mystery she solves is The Case of the Batgirl Who Fell Into A Trap! But at least one of the Students setting the trap for her tells her where teacher is: Shanghai! But that's where Kai went! OH NO!

The Ranking!
0! I have no feelings at all for this issue. I didn't hate it or like it. I bet if I ran into the wall headfirst and completely forgot about having read it, I wouldn't feel any different than I do right now!

Batgirl #2

This hardly looks like Batgirl at all!

The Commentary!
At least for close to forever, I'm hanging up the Batgirl Diary entries. Here's the last bit I wrote to start this commentary before looking around for my Writer's Card to tear it up and shove it up my own ass. Luckily I was never issued one so my ass is still card-free.

Dear Diary,
Last night I had a sex dream that I was sexing this guy really good! It was my first time and I was understandably nervous about giving a good performance. Luckily, Josie Long was standing by the side of my bed giggling and giving me tips and encouragement. She was so cute that I stopped having sex and went out for coffee with her. Then I woke up and had to change my sheets in the dark before Kai woke up wondering why everything was moist and musky. I should set my alarm to wake up before Kai more often because I'm pretty sure he had an erection under the blankets! I mean, it could have just been the way the blankets were rumpled. But I'm going to choose to believe it was his penis straining to see my vagina as it leaked all over the bed.

I think I've written enough of these entries to get my point across. If you didn't know what my point was and don't want to read anything ever (no matter how hilarious it is), here it is: teenage girls think about sex. Most of the females who just read that are probably saying, "Der!", with one hand stuck down the front of their trousers. I think the other people who already totally had that information were really good-looking teenage boys.

Batgirl has found herself in Singapore with her totally platonic friend Kai. I guess "platonic friend" is defined as "the shadow on the wall of a friend who you can never really know and if you did, you'd probably be too horrified to be their friend." When I was in Singapore, I went on some quick bus tour to take us to the bar where the Singapore Sling was invented so we could get drunk on famous old timey drinks. Here was the tour guide's joke: Singapore! It is a fine city!" Then he laughed and explained how you get fined for everything. I wish he'd gotten fined for that joke.

Batgirl has decided that she wants to be different from all of the other superheroes so she has come up with an invention: the thought bubble!

Everything is not brand new! It's just clean because nobody can litter, spit, chew gum, spray paint walls, scuff their shoes, urinate in public, or cough too loudly without being fined or caned or worse!

The drone Batgirl is after was trying to spy on her and Kai in their hotel room. Oh my! Maybe they're less platonic than I realized! Why else would the drone be spying on them? To shoot video of them reading books on opposite sides of the hotel room?

Batgirl follows the drone back to its source and finds a guy jerking off in front of his computer with all the porn his drone went to the store to buy. Drones can do that? I've got to get a drone! I totally want to...oh! I see what he was doing! Just pretend all of the stuff I already typed was me trying to convince everybody that peeping is a terrible thing to do. I mean, it totally is! But it is a little exciting to see somebody naked in a window on accident! So I might be able to see how it would be exciting to have that happen not on accident too! Although, yes, yes, that's creepy and an invasion of privacy and not a cool thing to do, bro. But still exciting!

Batgirl remembers her memories to get her next lead on the "Kai attacked by Sailor Geisha" mystery. She remembers that Sailor Geisha had an awful tattoo on her left bicep in Chinese that meant "student". Why would anybody get that tattoo?! What do you do once you graduate and become a master?! Batgirl doesn't care about that. She just begins to wonder who the master is and if the master has a tattoo that says "Master". At least that one is probably pretty easy to turn into "Grandmaster".

Then Batgirl makes a face like somebody just stuck a finger up her butt.

Why did I scan that picture when the very first panel on the very next page is of Batgirl in the shower?! What a missed opportunity! But I guess I'll just have to live with my decision because I can't put two scanned pictures so close together. If you want to see Batgirl in the shower and then in a robe that's totally hanging open in nearly all of the right places, you'll have to get your own copy. Or just Google "Batgirl Rule 34". That might actually be better.

I just googled it. It's not! Maybe my Google is broken because it was a relatively mild selection of images. Is there a new SafeSearch setting? "On", "Off", and "No, Really, Turn It Off. I Want To See The Inside Of A Butthole"?

Babs has some research to do concerning Sailor Geisha even though Babs doesn't have any idea what that's about. Her friend Kai is in some kind of trouble and Fruit Bat, the Japanese Batgirl from the 40s, pointed Babs to a martial arts tournament in Singapore. Babs goes to sign up with a gym but the Cobra Kais turn her down because they're sexist dicks. That leaves Babs to find a gym run by a woman named May Hao. They're going to show those boys a thing or two! Did that sentence arouse anybody else?

Babs decides to go undercover in the mixed martial arts circuit and uses the alias "Amy Beddoes". That's her old Suicide Squad alias! I have nothing else to say about that!

Babs discovers Batgirl isn't as good at Mixed Martial Arts as she thought she was. So she trains for a bit in preparation for maybe getting into the tournament before heading back to the hotel where she finds Kai has upgraded them to a super expensive suite in a place called the Marina Bay Sands. I guess that's fancy? Now Babs is really suspicious of Kai because he just keeps showing more and more evidence that he's a super villain.

Possible super villain what now?

If fucking a super villain is good enough for Batman then it had damn better be good enough for Batgirl too! I hope Kai's super villain name is Catboy.

After kissing Kai, Barbara decides to overthink where their relationship is going for an entire week instead of just diving in and living life. One week of her life doesn't have to be fifty years! Trust your sexual arousal, Babs! Although when Kai says, "When I look at you, I see a whole future," my first thought is, "Whew! Good thing Babs didn't sleep with him!" The problem with ditching a guy who is enamored with you is that if you don't have sex with him, he'll continue to pursue you no matter how many times you tell him you aren't going to have sex with him. And if you do have sex with him, it just gets worse! Guys in love are impossible! It's like you're just going about your life and then suddenly you've stepped in a bear trap and you can't escape and that bear trap is some nerd who thinks you're made for each other! Although Kai is good looking enough to lose himself in a whole bunch of meaningless sexual conquests. The real trouble is when you're kind to a nerd who isn't charming and attractive and that nerd somehow gets his leechy mandibles attached to you. Good luck convincing some other female to take that bullet for you!

Friday comes around and Kai is preparing to leave for Shanghai while Babs still has some fighting and investigating to do. If she doesn't get her bell rung too hard at her fight against "The Moth," maybe she'll still have time to lose her virginity before Kai leaves. Or maybe she'll need to severely get her bell rung for that to happen?

Babs notices The Moth also has a student tattoo. She's found a new lead! Which is followed immediately by being knocked out in the ring and probably losing all respect in the Singaporean MMA community. Plus she'll probably still be unconscious as Kai's plane leaves. Oh well. Maybe Rebirth isn't the DC Universe for Babs to get laid in.

Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.

Bizarro #5

I hope this issue breaks into a music video chase scene.

Here's something to think about: consensual sex among citizens of Bizarro World would look like rape to us.

Somehow Bizarro, Jimmy, Chastity, and Bizarro's Penis have wound up in Area 51 jail since the end of the last issue. Maybe it happened at the end of the last issue. Look, I read an awful lot of comic books every month. Take into account I'm also watching all of the super hero television shows, trying to finish reading the six thousand plus page Richard Burton edition of 1001 Arabian Nights, working through a fuckton of 20th century poetry, not to mention (although mentioning) whatever books I read to relax, and snorting a lot of synthetic cocaine (or possibly Styrofoam beads?), I have a hard time remembering everything I've consumed from month to month. Which is a total shame because what are we other than our memories and experiences? If I can't remember anything I experience then who the fuck am I?

Right now I'm the guy who wants to go roller skating and eat cotton candy with Michalie Portenberg!

Isn't she adorable?!

The Non-Certified Spouse just spent three hours morphing different celebrities with each other or herself on Morphthing.com. I decided she should morph Natalie Portman and Michelle Trachtenberg together because I knew it would be super cute.

Oh wait! I'm feeling a little bit better about my memory because the comic book flashes back to three days ago when Jimmy and Bizarro first met Spooky-not-SPOOPY-you-fucking-idiots Mulder and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Alien-Butter Scully. Although I feel bad about my memory again when I realize I should have known there would be a flashback scene because this is a comic book and comic book writers have yet to realize that that trick is so old and stupid that I should probably think of a joke denigrating Republicans to finish this statement but I'm being lazy so....

I remember when Area 51 was super mysterious and exciting! Especially Hangar 18!

My grandfather received a mysterious commendation from Kelly Johnson, the man responsible for Area 51. My grandfather worked at the Skunk Works but it was all hush-hush secrecy so the only thing I know for sure that he worked on was the SR-71 Blackbird. He probably helped reverse engineer anti-gravity technology from the crashed space ship at Roswell!

The team accept the job to get their asses shot breaking into Area 51 and head to Las Vegas.

This dealer is terrible. Bizarro said not to hit!

I guess there are only like two or three jokes you can write about Las Vegas so the action returns to Area 51. They still have at least one autopsy joke left to make there. Maybe they'll even make a "What happens in Area 51, stays in Area 51" joke, right? That's something people who have been anally probed like to say, right? Anyway, in Area 51 prison, Jimmy points out that they have to anally probe the toughest alien in captivity to show their prison dominance. They might also have to mutilate a cow, depending on which aliens they're trying to impress. Those gray aliens sure have some weird hobbies.

It turns out Bizarro's Penis, Colin, is the scariest thing in the prison. That makes sense.

And then the story is back in Las Vegas! I guess they forgot to make a dead hooker joke because those are always hilarious. It's like "Oh no! I paid to have sex with a woman but that isn't the horrible part because sex workers in many situations are competent businesspersons who should not be made to feel shamed for the choices they have made. The horrible 'oh no' part is that I killed her (probably on accident) and now she is in the trunk of my rental car! This will surely break down into a series of dramatic events in which I'm almost caught but escape through quick thinking and clever dialogue. Finally I will never wind up having to pay for killing the hooker because she was just a hooker, right? Also it is Las Vegas where this kind of thing is expected and probably hilarious."

Oh! This is the part of the story where the one best friend discovers the secret being kept by the other best friend about how the best friend isn't really the best friend of the best friend because the best friend secretly doesn't even like the best friend! But later we'll learn that the best friend has learned to love the best friend and they'll reconcile and probably fuck.

Back in Area 51 prison, Bizarro gets in a fight with a sentient squirrel. I mean, a H'lvenite! It's wrong to call alien lifeforms by words describing the Earth thing they look like. Although that didn't stop Guy Gardner when he was partnered up with Zilius Zox.

The fight was pre-planned so that Munk the H'lvenite could detach Bizarro's power draining collar. Then once Bizarro was back to normal, the group could escape Area 51 Prison! But first the soldiers drive a tank into the prison and shoot Bizarro with it at point blank range.

Why do people keep building prisons with fairly easy access to destructive weapons and technology?

Bizarro chooses an old Superman outfit, Jimmy picks up some Thanagarian wings and a mace, and Chastity Hex does not find crotchless lace underwear like I was hoping. She winds up flying around with a jet-pack and a couple of lasers. I hope she gets her own series after this series ends. But I hope it's written by Neil Gaiman.

General Lane stops the brawl and insists that everybody do everything he say immediately because he's a general in the United States Army! That's practically the ultimate authority. If you're human, of course. Our Lizard Overseers wouldn't give a shit about General Lane. But Lane learns of a bigger authority than himself when Jimmy points out that he's been recording everything and sending it to Lois Lane! She'll blab anything! If General Lane wants to keep any secrets, he's going to have to do what his daughter wants! Although if Lois refuses to publish what she's learned in exchange for something she desires, she's doing a disservice to her readership!

All of the aliens are set free and Lois doesn't publish the story for some reason. Or maybe she'll just publish it later. Chastity goes off into space with Kilowog's cousin. And Bizarro's Penis catches a lift with some gray aliens. I guess that means everything worked out how it was supposed to! Or not how it was supposed to. Or maybe it all just ended the way life just ends. Although one issue is left so that's the issue where Jimmy is going to have to apologize to Bizarro for hurting his feelings.

Bizarro #5 Rating: No change. DC Comics should remember how convenient four issue miniseries were. They were just enough to get a story told without overstaying their welcome if they weren't the most interesting things in the world. Don't worry about how a four issue series doesn't quite hit the sweet spot on the page length and pricing chart for a collected edition. Instead, realize that a lot of people will commit to a four issue mini-series without even caring about the overall quality! This Bizarro miniseries was interesting enough with one or two funny moments per issue but it's really running long at six issues. We get the joke. I say not only forget doing six issue series but forget doing open-ended series altogether! Stop giving writers who have nothing to actually say a book that is expected to run for as long as it can (for example, Scott Lobdell with Doomed). Instead, give more writers who pitch a coherent, intriguing story four issues to tell it. Seriously though, I have so many four issue miniseries in my collection that I've probably never read because I just picked them up to read after they were all out and then never got to them. Four issue miniseries are potential goldmines!

Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.

Animal Man #27

I wonder if DC has a thesaurus in their offices somewhere. Hey! Any DC Employees reading this? Check around. See if you can find the office thesaurus. It might be in Ann Nocenti's office. When you find it, make sure the page with "unleash" is still inside it. Then photocopy that entry and hang those copies up all over the fucking place.

Believe it or not, I did not get a song stuck in my head with the Animal Man cover staring at me! Although now that I type that sentence, I've got the theme from "Greatest American Hero" rampaging through my brain. "Believe it or not, I'm Animal Man! Whoever thought I could feel so raccoony! Charging away like a rhino or bear! Who could it be? Believe it or not, it's my daughter Maxine!"

Last issue after a really strange interlude where Animal Man did some serious space traveling and negotiating with alien dickwads, Animal Man finally made it back into The Red! Probably because all the Totems that banned him have been killed by Brother Blood and his Pet Totem, Cunty Discharge. The Parliament of the Red have some really disgusting members: Smegma, Placenta, Phlegm, Anal Leakage. The human body is the grossest temple ever.

I was just over at Facebook which I really don't pay much attention to. But I see Facebook interrupts the Newsfeed to show you some celebrities you might want to Like! The first one on my list? Eliza Dushku. I wonder what formula Facebook uses to think Eliza Dushku is that one celebrity that I need to spy on? Maybe I've been saying "Five by Five" too much?

Now I'm back to Tumblr where all the people I truly love live! Which is actually kind of a lie because I type these entries out on Blogger and then copy and paste them into Tumblr. But that's because I have 45 times more Followers on Tumblr than I have on Blogger. Suck it, Blogger! Even though I prefer your HTML Editing page. So, sorry for the "suck it" comment. I love you too.

It's 8:00 AM and I've already been out and purchased a two cent Jalapeno.

So this issue begins with Ellen Baker punching a reporter in the face. Man, I hope I get the opportunity to do that some day. I don't even care if they're asking me inappropriate questions! If I just see a weather reporter out on the street, I'm going to run up and slap the fuck out of them. Then I'll stand over the person and scream, "That's for thinking everybody in the city wants to be part of your idiotic family! Please pass that slap around to everybody back at the news room. And tell them their Twitter feeds all suck." Actually, I probably would never commit physical violence against a local news person although on the continuum of people who deserve to be attacked, they're right under "Fascist Dictator" and "Conservative Talking Head." But I do dream of the day one of them sticks a microphone in my face for a live man on the street interview and I can fucking cunt up the airwaves! "So, this fucking cunt came fucking cunt running right up the cunting fucking fuck cunt street! I fucking saw it all!" Maybe my appearance will even be autotuned! Should "autotuned" be capitalized? Where's my Portland Manual of Style? I'm definitely not going to trust that bullshit one from Chicago!

Horns as eyes doesn't seem like the best evolutionary path.

While Buddy Baker channels Space Monkeys to beat up Blood's Totem, The Warriors of the Red (some of them being the "Squirrelonauts of the Up High," possibly the best battalion ever) are ready to make their last stand against Brother Blood himself. Maxine and Socks are making a run for the Edge of The Red where nobody has ever dared go before. But before they get there, Maxine has to take a time out to have a little cry over her brother Cliffy.

The only hope left for Cliff is that he'll come back as a super villain.

Later there's this part where Animal Man points out that the good guys always win because they have something to fight for, like family and dinner at Applebees. But the bad guys have shit to fight for too! Like power and glory and lots and lots of sex from raving groupies! Also money. Did I mention money? Plus they probably have families too! Brother Blood even has a familial word-thing as part of his name! I wouldn't count out the bad guys just because you have a family, Buddy. So naive!

And then there's the part where Ellen gets thrown in jail for punching the Paparazzi. I thought it was legal to punch Paparazzi within Los Angeles County? No? That isn't a law yet? That's a shame. The police are on Ellen's side but figure she's probably safer in a jail cell right now with all the crazy shit going on around Animal Man, her husband.

And then Maxine discovers that if you're trying to find something, never fucking follow a cat's lead.

I prefer Concrete Blonde's version of "Little Wing" over Jimi Hendrix's. I like Jimi's version as well! Just not as much.

Brother Blood kills Shepherd when he's distracted and then grabs Maxine around the neck. And the issue ends with next month's blurb: "The End"! Oh noes! I hope Maxine doesn't kill Brother Blood! If he were still the whiny version from The Ravagers, I wouldn't mind. But he's been a much better character under Lemire. And of course I don't want Maxine to die! I bet Socks leaps onto Brother Blood's face the way cats always do. And then Brother Blood will throw Socks against a rock the way people that remove cats from their faces always do. And then Socks will cough up blood and say, "Maxine. Pretend I'm saying something uplifting before I die!" And Maxine will yell, "No!" And then Maxine will channel a Honey Badger and fuck Brother Blood's shit up. And Socks won't die.

Animal Man #27 Rating: No change. I really like the look of this book. It reminds me of spending time with my friend Philip Newby and his family when I was in elementary school. The look of this comic and its characters is how I see Philip and his family and their apartment in my mind's eye. Philip's house was the first house I knew with a real piano. His father kept his Playboys stacked up behind the door in the bathroom. His oven had the coils that heat up which I'd never seen before since my house had gas burners. His fridge always had generic beer in it. Yellow cans in a six pack with big, black bold lettering that said: BEER. He had a ping pong table in the garage. And we could roam the neighborhood at all hours of the night when I would stay over. His family mostly watched PBS so I heard all about Monty Python and Dave Allen and various other comics and shows I'd never seen before, laughing uproariously at the lunch table in elementary school as he recounted the crazy things he'd seen on these shows. He once played "The Old Dope Peddler" by Tom Lehrer for me on a vinyl record. He introduced me to Kitty Pryde and Wolverine. He borrowed my Atari Cartridge for Pitfall II which his mother wound up throwing away with Philip's entire Atari system. His family eventually moved out of their tiny apartment and into a big house which always seemed bare and empty as their meager apartment furnishings could barely fill the space. Philip told me the joke about Peter and Jesus and Jesus seeing his house from here. We played a game of tag called "Ticker" where you had to stay on the painted lines in the playground at recess. He was the first person I ever sincerely apologized to, after school one day, when I had snapped at him during recess. I miss him a lot.

Animal Man #25

Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Bloody Faced Man!

I can't remember what happened last issue. Oh, that's right. Because I forgot to read my commentary on Issue #24. Be right back.

I'm back but I don't know how much I remembered since the entire time I was singing, "Animal Man! Animal Man! Animal Man fights Butterface Man!" Yes, I changed the antagonist although not on purpose. My subconscious tends to have its way with my conscious because my conscious is a weak-willed piece of shit.

Maxine was battling Brother Blood for control of The Red while Buddy Baker had an awards ceremony to save. Oh, that was easy. I guess I did remember everything.

I decided to waste time scanning this picture so I could say this: I first read it as "Hollywood's royalty all basking in your own bloated beauty and poop."

Animal Man gets the message which The Church of Blood knew he would because not a single space in any Comic Book World is lacking a live video feed of important events. He heads off to save the day with his new sidekick, Ellen Baker.

And now for the rare part where I talk about the art. I'm fucking digging Rafael Albequerque's shit. Although the signatures every few pages is a bit much. Don't worry! I won't forget who is drawing the comic book!

I will! I will! Choose me as your priestess! Me!

Buddy Baker comes Polar Bearing in from Stage Left desecrating and blaspheming the Church of Blood all over the fucking place. He's a little bit pissed off that his daughter's missing and this High Priest of the Church of Blood mentioned how dead Cliff was earlier in the broadcast. So Buddy is ready to get some payback on the universe and he doesn't fucking care whose teeth pay the price. That sentence probably would have been marked up in red by my high school English teacher. Enh, fuck him. What did he ever give me but an A- and a bladder infection? No wait. That was somebody else.

Backstage, Ellen has been ambushed by an Acolyte of the High Priest of the Church of Blood and a starlet whose been a card carrying Bloodite for three whole years! Lucky! But Ellen isn't just a fucking victim. She's a sidekick, remember? No wait. I just said she isn't a victim. So she's better than a sidekick! I think she might be her own Goddamn Batman!

Spoiler Warning: Best fucking Best Actor Winner reveal ever.

That spoiler warning was a general warning for the rest of your life. Shit will get spoiled. You will pout and kick non-existent things while muttering, "Phooey." That's just life, kids. Although if you ever spoil anything for me, I will hunt down your grandmother and win her love and treat her nice and take her to fine restaurants and write her poetry and caress her thinning but still beautiful hair before I break her fucking heart on Christmas morning by handing her a beautifully wrapped, blood soaked present with your head inside.

Baker continues to beat the crap out of the High Priest while millions watch. It's the audience The Church of Blood is after so that they can commit suicide on camera and everybody watching can see their souls ascend into The Red which will hopefully make them believers and they'll join the church. Hey, you didn't have to go through all that trouble! You had me at Brother Blood's Preboot costume with the snake hoodie and the big collar and the flowing white cape. The shiny black diaper was a bit much but the gloss really classed up the entire look!

The High Priest's last action is to try to get Buddy Baker to kill him on television so he alludes to the fact that he's going to fuck Cliff when he gets to The Red. But Ellen is there to stop him. Maybe now Buddy will begin to realize his family is his team and not just targets he needs to protect. I think Ellen needs to realize that too! I wonder if they can convince Ellen's Mom to join Team Animal Man? She's pretty good with a shotgun.

Buddy and Ellen share a kiss as Buddy promises he'll get Maxine back. And then he's suddenly sucked off to an alien planet where some strange creatures begin yelling at him. I think the aliens Googled his name in the Morphogenetic Web and he was sucked off into space to save their day. Or night. Or daynight.

Animal Man #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I tried to translate the alien's speech at the end of the issue but the patterns just don't make any sense. If it isn't just gibberish, I think some of the icons must represent letter pairs. But then I'm just an Apprentice Comic Book Reader now, so maybe I've just lost my skill at translating. Never again will I be able to read Old Portugese [sic] or understand anything Doop is saying. I'll have to rely on *gasp* the internet.

Animal Man #24

I'm Team Brother Blood! That's a cool thing all the kids do, right? Make teams out of characters and shit? When I was a teenboy, we would say, "Golly gee, I sure as heck really respect Mr. Brother Blood! I wisht he were my uncle!"

I got into a bit of an argument with my downstairs neighbor a few nights ago about his late night music. As part of his evidence as to why I was wrong, he pointed out that I had horrible social skills. To which I said, "I know I do! I'm an anti-social recluse!" I don't know if he expected me to agree with his point but he was correct! I then called him a dick but he didn't find that characterization particularly apt. Man, I hate engaging with people and I particularly hate confrontations like this. I wonder what it was like on his side, arguing with a neighbor who could barely make eye contact with him? I just want to be left alone, dammit! Don't draw me out into the neighborhood to request some peace and quiet!

Apparently the greatest crime you can commit when living in a neighborhood is not interacting with the other people in that neighborhood. I should go to the next block party just to find out what the local legends are about me! I should also carry a big leather bound book covered in dried blood! Then when anybody says anything to me, I can scribble furiously into the book while occasionally glancing furtively over my shoulder.

One of my big fantasies when I was a kid was living in a completely abandoned city and exploring the houses of all the people that had suddenly gone missing. So that was my dream life. To be left alone while being able to explore the stories of the people that I didn't actually want to interact with previously. I like stories about people but I don't like to have to interact with people. I suppose that's why I have five times as many Tumblr Followers as Facebook friends.

Buddy Baker getting the good news!

Brother Blood may have infiltrated The Red by using Buddy Baker's blood but that's just the beginning. Blood has the backing of one of the Totems in the Parliament of Limbs and now it's time for them to go to war against the others. I hope there isn't too much battling between Creatures of the Red. Can we just get straight to the one on one cage match duel to the death between Brother Blood and Maxine? I may be an Initiate and Biggest Fan of Brother Blood but I really want to see him get his ass kicked by a five year old girl. So I guess I'm Team Maxine now!

The war kicks off with Brother Blood and his Totem Backer kicking the shit out of all the friendly, cute, benign animal Totems in the Parliament of Limbs. They don't put up much of a fight because they're peace loving peaceniks full of peace and love. Singing All You Need is Love might work to win a war in a cartoon but this is a fucking comic book! You need muscles and throat punches to win here!

See? This Totem gets it!

That Totem does get it too! His head ripped right off of his body! And then all the other Totems fall because it's The Red's turn to run amok and destroy the careful balance between Red, Green, and Grey. Except none of that can happen until Brother Blood murders a five year old girl. So good luck with that, Brother Blood, because even though this is a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I don't think little girls can be killed until you're in a Mature Rated Comic Book.

While war is breaking out in The Red, Buddy Baker gets a call from his wife Ellen informing him that their daughter has disappeared. And since she's a precocious little anti-hero, Buddy Baker probably knows that she's goofing off in The Red trying to save her brother Cliff. It's pretty much the only conclusion a person can come to.

Meanwhile Maxine and Socks and the Shepherd get the news that war has come to The Red. They need to find a place to gather their strength and their troops so they can make a stand. Which means they have to stop their search for Cliff. I must say, I didn't think Lemire would leave Cliff dead but I think that's what he's planning.

Even as The Avatar of the Red, she can't save everyone. It's an important lesson for Maxine to learn early.

I think this is a subtle difference between the lesson DC's big heroes learned and the lesson Spiderman learns. Superman learns through the death of his parents that he can't, ultimately, save everyone from everything. Batman spent his whole life understanding this which is why, I think, he's less traumatized by the piles of corpses left by the bad guys of Gotham. But Spiderman kind of realizes the opposite. He did have the opportunity to save his Uncle Ben and ignored it. The DC heroes learn about futility while Spiderman learns about responsibility. Ultimately, although tragic and sad, Spiderman's origin is more hopeful than the others. Unless it's all different somehow.

The Splinterfolk are sucked into The Red to be Blood's army. Back on Earth, The Church of Brother Blood has begun hunting down Buddy Baker to kill him. At first I thought Buddy would enter The Red to help Maxine, but she might be on her own. Buddy Baker recently had a falling out with the Totems and, I believe, was banished from The Red. So Buddy will have to make war on Earth while Maxine takes care of business in The Red. I guess. Maybe Buddy will just forget the whole thing and just enjoy his time at the award show.

I can't wait until The Chicken Thief movies are actually made.

Brother Blood's acolytes take over the award ceremony and send a message to Buddy Baker. They'll kill everybody at the show in an hour if he doesn't give himself up to be executed publicly. If Buddy doesn't give himself up, the movie industry will be ruined! Or maybe it will just save a lot of money as all the big name, big money actresses and actors are murdered by the Church of Blood. Movies still have to be made and now you can pay lesser stars less money and most likely get the same quality of acting (or better even!). Way to go, Church of Blood! Although what the fuck do I care?! It's not like that savings will get passed down to the moviegoer!

Animal Man #24 Rating: No change. There's a feel about this comic that brings me back to reading comics in my youth. A big part of the reason is that the bad guys have clear motivations that really don't rely on the hero of the book. Sure, they want to kill Buddy Baker and Maxine but that's only to help solidify Blood and his new Totem Master's power. Their main goal is to make The Red the most powerful force on Earth while they pull the strings. It's a fairly standard evil villain motivation but it makes more sense in this context than just a vague "I want to rule the world" mentality. Brother Blood has a perfect connection to The Red that I suppose I have to thank Howard Mackie and his editors for setting up. At least something decent came from The Ravagers comic book although Blood's character has been completely revamped here. Thank God! And by God I mean Lemire and the editors at DC that made the decision to change Brother Blood and not some unknowable cosmic entity that made it possible.

Batman #24

I don't mind so much that this issue costs $6.99. What I mind is that it's going to take a long ass time to write about. I hope this commentary is more coherent than last issue's. I think I was whacked out on cold medicine.

Batman came up with the idea of being a Batman last issue although he's yet to run to Alfred screaming, "Alfred! Alfred! I have the best idea! Have you ever heard of bats?!" This issue, Alfred is probably going to get roped into sewing the Batsuit. Unless Batman learned some ancient Tibetan sewing techniques while he was on the road.

The issue begins with Bruce having already made a few forays against The Red Hood Gang as the Batman because a bunch of them are worrying about him already. One of them convinces the others that he's a myth, a horror story. He says in Gotham, it's always something after which he adds "bats" and "witches" to the list of mythological terrors that also includes "owls." So when are we going to get our Coven of Witches controlling Gotham story? Anyway, Batman wants everybody to believe in him! He's no faith junkie. If they need proof of his existence, he'll Goddamned give them proof.

Come on! This is at least as good as anything Banksy has ever done!

The Red Hood doesn't seem particularly happy about The Batman although it does afford him a chance to sink the failing members of his gang to the bottom of Gotham Harbor. So, you know, always look on the bright side and all that. I suppose at this moment in the story, everybody thinks Bruce Wayne is dead. Again. So Bruce is free to spend his time with Alfred outfitting the Batcave, creating his terrifying persona, and creating the formula for Batlube. I don't know what The Riddler is up to yet.

"Why, Bruce, didn't you know? They've taken my butt cherry and my left testicle."

Well, Bruce being dead didn't last very long by comic narrative standards. But he and Alfred did get a lot done during Villains Month. They have some kind of gigantic furnace down in the Batcave. Batman has his costume. Batman has the Batmobile (or some version of it since all I've seen so far are the headlights coming out of the secret Batcave entrance). And his myth is already beginning to grow.

Currently the Batcave is composed of a rope ladder, a gigantic furnace, and a laptop with five hundred meters of extension cord. Alfred and Bruce finally figure out exactly what The Red Hood is going to do and when he's going to do it but they don't let me in on the secret because I can't be trusted. Bruce also determines that The Batman can't stop The Red Hood. It's time for Bruce Wayne to step up and take the city under his wing.

Bruce Wayne calls a press conference to discuss what he knows about The Red Hood Gang. Commissioner Loeb doesn't want to deal with it, so he sends in Detective Gordon. Isn't Gordon going to get his own Zero Year over in Detective Comics? I suppose Batman can share some of the spotlight with him here.

"Because whatever your answer is...it isn't worth it! Get out now! Get the fuck out! Flee for your lives! This place will devour your soul and fuck your rotten corpse in the throat! Run, people of Gotham! RUN!"

Bruce Wayne proceeds to deliver a passionate speech to the people of Gotham about why he thinks they put up with the horrible, mean, dirty city.

I imagine he'll finish this up with, "Also, those of you working fast food and retail and all the other shitty, minimum wage jobs...well, I suppose you're here because you simply can't afford to leave."

The Red Hood Gang showers the press conference with rocket propelled grenades but I think everybody survives thanks to the casually bored Jim Gordon who rolls his eyes at just the right time to see some Red Hood Gang members on the roof of ACE Chemicals. During the chaos, Alfred manages to hack the security gates around the plant and Bruce Wayne rushes in followed by Gordon and some police officers. Too bad Bruce is found almost immediately by The Red Hood and held at gunpoint while Gordon and the cops are locked out of the main warehouse where a bunch of vans are being loaded with radioactive explosives.

Oh, just shoot him before listening to all of his moralizing!

But just before The Red Hood can pull the trigger, Alfred hits the fucking lights on a certain-shaped portion of the city.

Maybe he's the tiniest bit obsessive.

During the blackout, Bruce makes it look like Batman saves him with some really spot on shadow puppetry and trick clothing which he learned from a Master Shadow Puppeteer on a small island off the west coast of Japan. The lights come back on as The Red Hood removes his hood so he can get a glimpse of The Batman with his uncovered, beautiful green eyes. It's love at first sight and the beginning of another tiny obsession in another crazy Gothamite.

The next part is the big brawl part which I rarely talk about except when the hero pulls some Xena shit like this:

And now we reveal my obsession: people running on the tops of other people's heads.

Just after this, Red Hood gets a bead on Batman with his pistol but Red Hood 347 (Uncle Philip!) bounces a bullet off of The Red Hood's helmet to stop him. Uncle Philip is then killed almost immediately which sucks because I'm fairly certain he had a bit to say about power and responsibility. Also, Philip's bullet ricocheted into one of the explosive gas canisters, so that's going to suck.

All hell breaks loose as the canisters begin exploding. Alfred hacked the doors so the trucks can't leave. Gordon trains his gun on Batman because that's what you do to in Gotham. And the Red Hood runs up some stairs with one canister left to blow up in his face and give him a permanent smile.

Or The Goddamned Batman will stop him.

Batman also fails to keep him from falling in a vat of toxic chemicals with a great big crushy lovey smile on his face. And that's why everybody paid $6.99 for this issue. Because you got the origin of The Joker. During most of the previous Zero Year stuff, I questioned whether The Red Hood would become The Joker or not. But when he said "...Hello...there." in that earlier panel, it was confirmed (in my mind) that he was The Joker. And he is so in love with The Batman.

Although that white carnation...oh, well. No matter! Time for the back-up story where we learn why nobody will ever guess that The Batman is actually Bruce Wayne and that The Riddler has decided it's time for his shot at Gotham!

Batman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. Insert your own reasons for liking or disliking the comic book here and pretend that I completely agree with you. Gotta go!