Superman #22

Jon needs to learn to eat his Popsicles faster.

Some weird shit is going down in Hamilton County and I just figured out what it is! Rorschach's disintegrated atoms probably came to rest in the soil! So now it's all, "I'm not trapped out on the farm with you. You're trapped out on the farm with this cow's disgusting milk and a weird house in the swamp. Oh, and me!"

This issue begins with Lois Lane reminding me of a traumatic moment in my life.

I get it, Pat and Pete. You guys are sadistic assholes who don't want anybody to forget the murder of Goldie. Unless you're going to bring Goldie back from the dead, can you just stop reminding me of the death of my best friend? I mean the death of Goldie!

Since Batman is locked in a freezer covered in rotting cow's milk, Lois Lane is the only capable investigator left in Hamilton County. She heads out to solve the Mystery of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On. If anybody can solve it and possibly fall out of a helicopter while doing so and have to be rescued by Superman, it's Lois Lane!

During her investigation, Lois stumbles upon a bank of monitors set up in the basement of the Hamilton Town Hall. On every monitor are images of Jon at different points across his life. Even at times before they were living in Hamilton County! Is this is a new mystery or can I just stick it under the general heading of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On Mystery? See, it was pretty smart to name it so loosely, right?! You were probably thinking, "That title would never sell a single Goddamned Nancy Drew novel, you stupid cunt." Whoa, whoa! Why so hostile, imaginary reader? Sheesh! Bring it down a notch.

That King Arthur movie still looks fucking stupid.

Is this a modern retelling where King Arthur's a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood in Portland and pulls Excalibur out of a Marantz 6370Q turntable? It would explain the "from nothing comes a king" tagline.

Lois is discovered discovering the town's secret of knowing her family's secret. She rushes home to find the leaders of the town in her living room acting ominously. That was the opposite of hyperbole! I don't know the word for that because I rarely ever find it useful!

Lois escapes the weird town elders by slipping on her Batman Doomsday Glove and blasting the fuck out of them. Then the Batmobile pulls up to rescue her and she gets away. The Batmobile suggests killing the fuck out of the people chasing her and Lois is all, "Hells yeah, bitches!" So then missiles blast a bunch of town folk and the Lois Lane runs one of them over and somewhere Superman and Batman weep heroically. I'm guessing Lois Lane realized these town elders weren't really human, what with the being able to survive giant squid attacks and being able to be seemingly everywhere at once. Otherwise, Lois Lane had better find a good lawyer who knows their way around a murder in self-defense trial.

Lois Lane is finally stopped by Mr. Cobb the Dairy Farmer. That confrontation will have to happen in a later issue because it's time for the big surprise reveal of what Superman found in the House of Mystery in Deadman's Swamp! He stumbles upon a huge ship underground. Deep within it, he finds Batman, Robin, some criminal clowns, Frankenstein, and Lady Frankenstein all stuck in a bunch of vacuum tubes. Unless they're Bacta Tanks. I guess they didn't get every piece of Candice the Alien when they blew her up a number of issues ago. I'm pretty sure that was made explicit during that issue but hell if I can remember that far back! It's not like I remember she was called Kroog and she was capable of reforming from even a single misplaced bit of herself. Based on the black goo everywhere, it's possible a whole bunch of Kroog (or Kroog as a whole bunch of parts of itself?) have created a Kroog haven here on Earth. It's also possible it's different aliens altogether.

The Ranking!
You know what? Fuck ranking comic books. If you can't tell I liked a comic book, what does it matter? That's never been the point of this blog and I only stapled it into place on the finished product because people seem to expect that kind of thing. Maybe live with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whether or not I actually liked a comic book I read and made fun of! Maybe don't rely so much on other people's stupid opinions (even if those stupid opinions are coming from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader). Maybe just enjoy this diatribes for what they are: a huge waste of everybody's time!

Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Super sonS #3

ULTIMATE DANCE PARTY!

The Review!
-1 Ranking! Damian and Jon bicker and argue as they fight robotic versions of themselves created by Kid Amazo. Neither kid is likable in this context. Every time Damian meets a new person, do I have to be exposed to his penchant for being a complete and utter arrogant dick to them? I like Damian but I'm growing tired of the superficial, lazy way of writing his character. He's a blowhard who has to constantly state how much better he is than everybody else when I just wish he'd grow up (just a smidgen!) and prove he's better than everybody while keeping his fucking trap shut. And Jon is just portrayed as Damian's constantly kicked dog. How many issues did it take for Damian to supposedly become best friends with the Teen Titans? Can we just get to that point here as well? I want to see these two kids get along. If Damian really wants to be a better Batman, he can start by treating his Superpeer better than the way Batman treats his.

There was also a robot girl who's not entirely a robot because she's also a little girl (but a robot!). It's not as Japanese sexy as it sounds because did you not read where I said she was a little girl?! Pervert.

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Super sonS #2

How come sidekicks aren't constantly getting hauled in by local police for crimes like loitering and being young in public?

This issue has a prologue just like the first issue. And just like the first issue, it's about that kid who's a big jerk and lives in a movie studio. This prologue reveals he can become three jerks at once. He does that so he can murder his mother, father, and brother all at the same time. Too bad he couldn't become four jerks because his little sister makes a run for it while he makes sure the readers know his superhero name is Kid Amazo. Not that he's actually a hero. Most of them don't murder their family. They wait for the family to be murdered and then they become a superhero. I think if you do it the other way around like Kid Amazo, you're most likely a super villain.

Speaking of getting hauled in by the local police for youthful indiscretions, Damian and Jon have just been caught trespassing on the side of LexCorp's building by Lex Luthor. Being that he's still confused by The New 52 and Rebirth and Infinite Crisis and Zero Hour and all the rest of DC's universes that have come crashing down into the brains of every DC character in an effort to satisfy every fan except the most obsessed and virginal, Lex Luthor doesn't recognize Superboy or Robin.

Damian drops Superboy off the side of the building so that he can escape. He winds up on the roof and breaks into LexCorps to explore an unmarked level in the schematics he memorized. On the ground, Superboy kicks Luthor in the face and gets away. The only reason Luthor is having trouble battling a child is because he's supposed to be a good guy now. Normally, he would just shoot the kid in the pancreas and rifle through the kid's velcro wallet.

No wait. He catches him. How could I have ever doubted the world's smartest man?

I bet the world's smartest woman is Doctor Veritas the Omniologist. I know I shouldn't acknowledge her existence since she was created by Scott Lobdell but I can't help it. I'm compelled to remember the stupidest things ever written in comic books.

It looks like it won't be long before Jon isn't allowed to play with Damian anymore.

Damian and Jon get away while Lex tries to disarm a bunch of fake bombs Damian set up as distractions. I guess Lex Luthor isn't the smartest guy on Earth! He's not even the smartest adult in the room. It takes some doing to not be the smartest person in the room when you're the only person in it. But I've been there. Sometimes I sit in my office after typing a comment about how I'm going to suck Tom King's dick to thank him for The Omega Men and then Mark Russell walks in on us and is hurt that I'm not sucking his dick for Prez and I think, "I'm not the smartest guy in this room, am I?" I should hang my college degree on the wall so I can at least feel smart due to paying loads of money to read books for four years without somebody yelling at me to get a job.

Damian's plan was to steal Lex's security footage so he could get a glimpse of the person who broke into LexCorps a few nights ago. It's Kid Amazo! That probably shouldn't have sounded like such an exciting revelation. What did you think all those prologues were doing at the beginning of these comics? Obviously it was going to tie in to Damian and Jon's story!

When is Damian going to invite Superboy to join the Teen Titans? Is he too young to get a handy from Starfire?

Using some of Superboy's skills and some of Damian's skills, they determine the kid who broke into LexCorps was fourteen year old Reggie Meyer from Providence. The kid still has his powers from The New 52 Amazo Virus. That's why he can split into multiple versions of himself. I guess that means it's time to track him down.

Clark and Lois totally know Jon is missing by now, right? They're farm parents! They have to look in on their kid sleeping four or five times a night to smile lovingly and sigh.

Oh come on! Starfire is at least 34! At least she's as horny as a 34 year old.

Robin and Superboy find Kid Amazo's dead family. Superboy thinks they should call their parents but Robin is all, "No way! Fuck him! Did you hear what I just said? I said fuck! Nobody can stop me from swearing!" But Superboy doesn't listen. He leaves the scene of the crime and runs into Kid Amazo's kid sister in the woods nearby. He promises to help her while Robin continues to look for clues. Meanwhile, Batman and Superman have stopped by to say "-TT-" and "Your mother is worried!", respectively. Did I use respectively correctly? It's not like anybody would have been confused about who said what anyway.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm really upset for Superboy that Robin didn't invite him to the Teen Titans simply because he's not a teen. There's no way Starfire is a teen. Unless the planet Tamaran has a much longer orbit than Earth. I suppose she could be fifteen by Tamaranean reckoning even if she's definitely no less then 34 in Earth years. I'm also surprised nobody has killed an animal yet. Maybe Patrick Gleason is the one who has a boner for murdering animals. Hopefully Batcow won't be forgotten. Maybe she'll eventually go to live on the Kent's farm! I know they were the Smiths. But I figure since the Blue and Red Electric Superman and Lois Lane have merged, and Mr. Mxyzptlk has fixed Superman's identity problem, they'll go back to being Kents.

Superman #19

I wonder if most imps in the 5th Dimension have fairly normal names so they can't get away with pranking the 3rd Dimension as easily.

This issue begins with Jon slipping out of the 3rd Dimension and into Mxy's secret basement molestation lair. I'm sorry but it had to be said. We're all thinking that a little old man in an odd hat stealing a kid to hide him away and play games is obviously an analogy for a sexual predator but most of us have too much class and/or fear of being scolded by righteously indignant Internet users to say it: Jon is about to be diddleplked.

Lois has forgotten about Jon because she's lucky. She's also forgotten that she saw a bunch of 5th Dimensional beings pleading for her help inside a snow globe owned by Mr. Mxyzptlk. That's okay. Most visitors to the Fortress of Solitude soon forget the jar full of little people pleading for help too. It's easier to pretend you imagined something so horrific, especially when Superman's underwear is hanging off the rim of the bottle.

Superman wants to play the game with Mxy now but Mxy is still peeved from being forgotten. I think the game might be a bit more Saw- or Cube-like this time around. Did I punctuate that correctly? Oh, who the fuck cares? Judging by the amount of exclamation points I use, nobody thinks I'm a fucking grammar genius!

Mxy transports Clark and Lois to his newfangled, more dangerous gameworld. It looks far more dangerous than Cube. I think it's more like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Hmm. Is that the explanation for Cube? It was a modern day Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wonder what kind of candy the autistic guy began making after he won?

Superman didn't even read that contract. Does he think he can punch it into smithereens later if he just signed his life away?

Before Superman agrees to play, Mxy says some vague stuff about red energy in the other Superman and Preboot Superman's essence being blue energy. Great. Are we going to get a twenty year retooling of the reasoning behind red and blue electric Superman? That's nothing nobody has been not clamoring for. That may have been Bizarro speak, depending on what I meant and what it actually means. I probably shouldn't use so many negatives in one sentence. That sentence's glass was totally half empty, amirite?

In his prison, Jon meets two balls of red electricity that sound like Clark and Lois. Can't we just let New 52 Clark and Lois rest in peace? Do they have to somehow integrate with Preboot Clark and Lois? Is that something we really need? It's not like Golden Age Superman ever had to join with Silver Age Superman to make sense of the DC Universe. Although it made super sexy sense when they joined in my Goldver Age Superman Slash Fiction.

The game Mxy plays with Superman is just a double splash page of a board game with a giant Mxy over it screaming, "I win! I win!" That's terrible. Pete and Pat are skipping over the most interesting bit of this story! The fun part of a Mxy story is the game. It's the competition and the outwitting of the little imp. But in this issue, it's just Mxy yelling, "I win!" And then Superman and Lois looking deep into each other's eyes and saying, "Stay! Don't forget!" And then they win instead! So anticlimactic. This is the worst Mr. Mxyzptlk story ever.

But then, to be fair (even though I totally don't have to be!), Mxy isn't really in a game playing mood this time. He's just out to hurt Superman because Superman hurt his feelings. I guess it's going to work since Superman signed that stupid contract without reading it. It probably says that no matter what happens, Mxy gets to put six things of his choosing up Superman's asshole.

Jon gets the balls of red electricity to help him escape from prison. Once free, they take the shape of New 52 Superman and Lois. They're still covered in the red electricity. Let me guess: Dan Jurgens came up with the idea to bring back Red and Blue Electricity Superman, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I don't really mind if Preboot Superman was really just half of New 52 Superman or vice versa. I don't mind if they need to be merged to make Rebirth work. Just, please, let this story be the end of it and nobody ever again mention how Preboot Superman somehow doesn't fit into the Rebirth world. Let's just accept him as the real Superman who has always been Superman, the one who is friends with Batman, and just get on with our lousy, unsatisfying, comic book reading lives.

Superman #18

While Superman runs away crying and rending his garments, Lois and Jon look on bored.

The issue begins with these words which I'm too dumb to understand: "Time answers. Space questions. Matter questions. Energy answers." Why? Why do you think it works that way, Narrator? I can see how time answers because cause and effect only work through time. So it takes time to answer a question posed in a moment. I guess that moment is space and matter? Space and matter just sort of sit there not answering anything. I guess not answering means they're questioning. And then energy also answers because it takes effort to answer a query? Is that how it works? Or should I not be asking questions (being that I'm not space (although I am matter taking up space?))? Should I just nod along, take another hit of marijuana, and think, "Yeah! That fucking sounds right. Profound!"?

Well, this was just beginning to get sexy until Doctor Oz put a stop to the fun. Prude!

Tim Drake yells from his cage, "Someone got out!" Beside Tim Drake, in separate cages, are Doomsday, Prophecy, and probably Ambush Bug. Unless Ambush Bug is the one that got out? Oh man. I hope Ambush Bug is the one who got out!

Doctor Oz seems to know that he once lost a prisoner. And that prisoner has escaped to some blasted world with a broken obelisk (kind of like, say, a ruined statue that people should look on and despair?). Carved into the stone, over and over again, are pleas for Superman to save whoever scrawled the messages. Alongside the messages are images of Superman and Ma and Pa Kent and Clark Kent and the Daily Planet and the Superman logo. Who left these messages?! Probably Ambush Bug. He began his superhero career obsessed with Superman, remember?!

Back on Earth-Main-Earth, it's the Smiths' wedding anniversary! You know the Smiths! They used to be the Whites! Remember? And before the Whites, when they lived on a different Earth in the Preboot universe, they were the Kents! Come on, try to keep up!

While the family is busy opening gifts, Clark Kent stops by to drop off a gift of his own. Uh oh! Maybe I should finish the Mild Mannered story in Action Comics #974 before getting into this Superman Reborn story arc! Okay. I'm going to go do that first! Be right back!

Okay! I'm done with Action Comics #974. Basically all I needed to know was that Clark Kent has learned where Lois lives and that she's somehow betrayed him. For some reason, he thinks he and Lois are destined to be together. Since I left off with Clark Kent dropping off a photo album for the Smith anniversary, I realized reading Action Comics that the photo album probably fell through a DC Continuity wormhole from the Preboot Universe. Where else could Clark have gotten the idea that he belongs with Lois? The album is probably of Clark and Lois's Preboot wedding.

The album has pictures of Preboot Clark Kent's life. Unless it's Rebirth Clark Kent's life which looks just like Preboot Clark Kent's life! Whatever the case, Clark Kent disappears just like he disappeared going into his apartment in Metropolis. I thought Clark Kent's secret was going to be revealed in the Mild Mannered story but it wasn't. So now I have to wait until this four issue series concludes to find out who or what he is?! I'm sick of this guy!

After Clark disappears, the Smith family home goes up in flames. So does Jon! But they're not real flames. They're more like Langolier flames. They're erasing time and space that shouldn't exist. I know they'll figure out some way to stop the flames or else the Supersons comic book won't have an Issue #2.

The Smith farmhouse disappears and Jon goes along with it. Instead of being sad, Lois and Clark become angry. Because they know who's behind it which means they have an ass they can kick.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm surprised Pete and Pat didn't wipe out a whole bunch of animals along with the house and Jon. They could have introduced a cute little gerbil named Raquel and then BAM! Wiped from existence. HA HA HA! Take that, lovers of animals! Then they could have had a parrot land on Lois's shoulder and be all, "Love me! Love me!" Then BAM! Erased from reality! I bet that would have given Pete and Pat some serious boners. Jerks.

Superman #17

Solomon Grundy, right? It must be Solomon Grundy.

Based on the cover, this story is going to star Trixie Belden, right? The Mystery of Dead Man's Swamp! I hope her friend, Honey Wheeler, makes an appearance because she's a sexy whore who always winds up fucking the suspect (and Trixie too!). I think. I might be confusing the canon Trixie Belden stories with my Wank Fiction Trixie Belden stories.

Wank Fiction is a good title for my Young Adult series of books! Don't steal my idea! Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody but me will ever write a line of books marketed at young adults called Wank Fiction.

This issue begins with Jon's neighbor, Trixies Belden, stopping by to tell him about a mystery that needs solving. I wish these two character were older so I could anticipate some deep woods finger banging. But since they're just kids, I probably shouldn't have even mentioned finger banging because somebody is going to get the stupid idea that I'm interested in seeing these two kids play doctor. Don't be gross, you gross person who wants to feel self-righteous by misunderstanding what I wrote and calling me gross! I don't want to see two young kids getting sexy. Ew. I want to see two young adults getting sexy! Note the word "adult" in that sentence! See? Totally appropriate.

Maybe lead with "My grandfather is missing!" instead of "The cow got out of the pasture." I don't know. Just a thought. But who am I to judge, a person who wrote a sentence that included "kids" and "finger banging" (but not in the way that you're thinking after reading that, you criminal perv!)."

The kids hop on their bikes the way kids always do when they're off to solve a mystery or to save an alien from the government or to find a pirate's treasure or to save a number from the government or to save almost anything from the government. Why aren't kids all over America hopping on their bikes and figuring out a way to save America from the government? And by "government," I mean "Republican party who are so into being fellated by corporations that they've decided people employed by those corporations are greedy pieces of shit for wanting to be compensated fairly." Maybe I should buy stock in GT and Haro? Come on, kids! Get on your bikes and fight the power!

The neighbor, Kathy (not Trixie Belden like I first thought. Nor Nancy Drew like I second thought. Nor neither Tom or Dave Hardy like I third thought), explains that Bessie the Cow (Bessie?! That's the most unoriginal cow name in the entire world! It's so unoriginal that, I suppose, it becomes the de facto cow name. Anything else would cause comic book readers to lose their sense of disbelief in the story) would never go into Dead Man's Swamp. How does Kathy know what a cow would or wouldn't do? I'm fairly certain the only predictable thing a cow does is eat grass and shit. But then I'm not a farmer, so I apologize to all the farmers and ranchers out there actuallying me right now and telling me all about how cows have personality and how loving they are and how, duh!, they'd never go into a scary swamp!

Also, don't fucking actually me about the names of the Hardy Boys. Who really knows their first names?! At the most, you probably read Tom and Dave and thought, "Wait. Those can't be their actual names, right?!" Then you consulted Lord Google, found out their real names, and decided to throw your new facts into my face. Well, I don't give a shit about the Hardy Boys! They can go fuck each other in the shower at the YMCA for all I care! From now on, those fuckers are Tom and Dave Hardy!

Superboy was watching a scary movie before coming out to the scary swamp so he's likely to overreact and cut Kathy's grandfather in two with his heat vision when the old man comes lumbering out of the shadows. Oh! He's probably the monster that lurks in Dead Man's Swamp! Or maybe the monster lurking there is simply misogyny.

Eeep! The monster! It's the legendary Broccoli Brains! Of, um, New Jersey legend! Oh wait. This is New York. Never mind.

While running from Broccoli Brains (distant kin of Pumpkinhead), the kids run through that Incredibly Shrinking Fog that used to be a problem in the Sixties. After that, Pete and Pat decide to write to their strong suit again: hurting animals.

Fucking assholes. First you have Jon kill a cat and now you're having him brain a raccoon. You've now fucked with two of my three favorite animals. What's next? Is Jon going to finger bang a goat?

Yesterday, I went to pick up a grilled cheese at The Cup and Saucer around the corner. As I waited for my to go order at the bar, the server said, "I've been seeing your totem animal a lot lately around dusk." Usually I'm confused by statements like this. But I knew I was wearing my knitted raccoon-face tuque (with the ear flaps and hanging ties) so I knew exactly what she was talking about. It's also possible shed didn't even notice my tuque and just read my aura. I'm a total raccoon dude.

The kids rush to hide in an old house. Maybe the fog didn't shrink them. Maybe it just made the animals bigger. Or maybe it's all just part of The Mystery of Dead Man's Swamp! And hopefully, seeing as how this is a mystery, the house they just found is The House of Mystery. It would be nice to have it make a Rebirth appearance.

Jon does a couple of things that highlight his super strength and partial invulnerability but Kathy doesn't make the connection that maybe he's some kind of Superboy. Which is weird because she knows he can fire lasers out of his eyes. I guess in a world of superheroes, you take it in stride when somebody shows some kind of power. It's not like just having laser eyes makes you anything more than a poor man's Cyclops (who is already a Poor Man's superhero in general, being that he's a whiny douche).

The house starts to fall apart around them but they manage to get upstairs (which seems like a weird place to go when the house is collapsing) where they find Bessie screaming and dancing a jig before she belches up tons of milk. This is the worst Trixie Belden story I've ever read.

Jon and Kathy decide to hide in a well until the craziness passes. Eventually Bessie and Kathy's grandfather discover them. Kathy's grandfather tells them they were probably hallucinating on Swamp Gas. But at the end of the story, Kathy's grandfather stands creepily in a cornfield in much the same way Broccoli Brains stood! Who could he and Bessie actually be? I think he's Fiddler's Green back in the real world and Bessie is the cow that jumped over the moon and barfed out the Milky Way.

The Ranking!
No change! So, what monster lurks in Dead Man's Swamp? I don't know! This stupid comic book didn't answer the question! It just raised more questions about Kathy's grandfather and his dancing, bulimic cow! Hee hee! "Bulimic cow." That's a pun, right?!

Kamandi Challenge #2

I solved the mystery! Kamandi is actually David Lee Roth!

• The cliffhanger at the end of the last issue involved the stupid Tiger-Men deciding to set off a nuclear missile so they could absorb all of its power. Why would a race of tigers need a radioactive source to become more powerful? They're tigers! Just suck on each other's dicks and you'll be more powerful than they could ever imagine. And their boners will be so hard! It's like a positive feedback loop!

• Okay, so I guess I need to take a crack at solving the cliffhanger first. Kamandi has five minutes to disarm the nuclear bomb or everybody is going to die. He doesn't have the knowledge to disarm a bomb so he'll have to use all the tools at hand. One of those tools is Doctor Canus's erect dick slathered in peanut butter. Kamandi will probably suck him off and catch the load in his mouth. Then he'll run over to the timer on the missile and snowball the fuck out of it. Doctor Canus's semen, still sticky from the peanut butter and highly acidic from all the pineapple pizzas he eats, will adhere to the mechanism and short it out. Everybody will be safe! But Caesar will be upset that Kamandi ruined the ritual, so he'll probably throw him back in the arena. Or maybe he'll say to his son Tuftan, "Haven't you always wanted a pet that sucks dick? Take him!"

How does Doctor Canus get any sciencing done when he's constantly trying to buttfuck everything that moves?

• My second theory about how Kamandi solves the cliffhanger was that he'd simply run away and let the tigers die in the blast. But then I thought, "How far can he really run away? He'd be dead too! I know this is a comic book but that's so illogical!" By the third page of this issue, it seems Tomasi has opted for the Kamandi runs for his life solution. It seems a little bit like a cheat but at least it wipes out a lot of characters that don't matter. Just have Doctor Canus and Tuftan survive and call it good. Even Caesar doesn't have to live!

• Tuftan catches Kamandi before he can get away and drags him back to the missile. All of the idiot tigers stand around anticipating the moment the bomb blows so they can all scream "It's greeeeeeeaaaaaat!" together in a fiery, apocalyptic ending.

"I'll never even get to kiss a girl who isn't a robot or my grandmother!"

• It looks like Peter J. Tomasi is choosing the easiest way out of this cliffhanger: the bomb's a dud! I feel so cheated! Hopefully Dan Abnett, in his brief at the end where he explains how he would have solved the cliffhanger, uses the dog semen trick.

• Instead of blowing up, a sentient ape double fisting pistols pops out of the top of the missile. It was a Trojan Missile! And those stupid tigers fell for it! Although the ape is even dumber since his plan relied on the tigers setting off the bomb to free him so he could kill them. He could have just let them have a real bomb, I suppose.

• More apes descend on the city so Kamandi uses the chaos to steal his shit back from Doctor Peanut Butter Dick. He then rushes off to the Museum of War to find a weapon. Or to be killed by Jackdaws.

• I still don't know what the mystery is that I'm supposed to be solving before they do!

• The Jackdaws pick up some of the ancient artifacts housed in the museum to help fight the apes. The relics are all weapons of DC superheroes! I wonder if Cheeks the Toy Wonder is in the museum somewhere.

• Crashing down through the floor and into the Basement of Forbidden Jack Kirby Objects, Kamandi discovers Metron's Chair underneath an old tarp. I guess the cliffhanger will be how quickly Kamandi's head explodes after sitting in the chair.

• Doctor Canus and Prince Fuzzy-pants show up just in time to see Kamandi hop in Metron's Chair. They chase after him to try to stop him before the chair disappears. And even though Kamandi has been trying to get away from these guys, he decides to reach out, grab them, and pull them along for the ride. The chair takes off and I start singing, "All my life I've wanted to fly like the birds that you see way up in the sky! Making circles in the morning sun flying high in the sky til the day is done! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! Like a child in his fantasy punching holes in the walls of reality! All my life I've wanted to fly but I don't have the wings and I wonder why. I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY!"

Bogus!

• I hope Tomasi doesn't think the previous page will be used by the other writers! What writer is going to think, "Oh shit! Tomasi stuck that phrase into that Metron Chair bit that read 'If the Red Riders catch us, we're doomed!' I've got to incorporate that into my story! And remember he had all those comic books appear. What was that about?!" More likely, everybody will go, "Yeah, yeah. Fuck you Tomasi. I'm writing my own shit over here! Stop trying to be cute."

• Kamandi, Doctor Peanut Butter Dick, and Prince Fuzzy-Pants wind up in San Diego. That's where the big Comic Con happens! I bet they run into cosplayers in the Wild Human Reserve.

• Apparently the guards of the Wild Human Reserve are Manhunters. Even though they're called Manhunters, they shoot the dog and the tiger immediately. Then they say their trademark saying, "No man escapes the Manhunters," which alerts Kamandi to the danger he's in (just in case he thought the Manhunters were only interested in not allowing tigers and dogs to escape). So to get away, Kamandi throws himself over a cliff and presumably dies. Unless the next writers, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner, can think up a way to keep Kamandi from dying! I just don't see how they can. He's as good as dead!

• Finally, each issue includes an essay by the previous writer explaining how they would have solved their cliffhanger. This essay is by Dan Abnett and he describes how he would have had Kamandi survive the nuke. Hopefully he just says, "I was going to kill him. Let's see the next writer get out of that!"

• Dan Abnett's solution would have been to have Kamandi flee while the nuke obliterates Tiger City. I pointed out that was an option but the laziest one of all! At least for coming up with a clever solution. I would have also allowed the bomb to blow because it's a post-apocalyptic world where bad shit happens. But Abnett also solved DiDio's cliffhanger with a lazy solution, so I think Abnett just likes to take the easy way out when writing. That's probably why I'm not reading his Titans book anymore.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm grading this on a curve and Tomasi's solution was less creative than my sticky dog semen solution.

Super sonS #1

Why couldn't Jon have been a Martha?

Sometimes people wonder why I discuss Donald Trump. Mostly they wonder that because the things I write are less than flattering towards Trump and his supporters. But I'd like to point everybody to Trump's February 16th, 2017 Press Conference. It's evidence for why I often point out Trump is a moron and anybody who thinks otherwise can't be too smart either. I'll allow that some people support Trump even though they know he's a gigantic idiot, even if I have no idea what those people are thinking. But if anybody can listen to the guy speak and think he even has an average intelligence, they are obviously just as stupid as he is. I don't mean that as an elementary school playground insult. I'm not screaming "Ha ha! You're so stupid!" just to get a rise out of a person. I'm just stating a verifiable fact. The guy has no idea what he is talking about, ever. He lies about everything and then excuses his own lies by saying, "Well, that's what I heard." And he can't form one single coherent sentence whenever he's speaking off the cuff. Hell, even when he has a speech in front of him, he can't help interrupting himself and mangling the entire thing. The guy is a fucking idiot and anybody who thinks he isn't is also an idiot. Again, that's a fact and not an insult! You just can't be smart if you think he's smart because he so obviously isn't.

The Review!
This story has a prologue! It's about a kid who has a family. But the family is super scared of the kid. See, he's also a super son, probably. But he uses his super incorrectly. He's using it to induce fear! But not in the correct way to induce fear like Batman! He makes people other than criminals fearful which is probably bad for some reason that I'd totally know if I had any kind of a moral compass.

The kid and his family live on a movie set. That'll probably be important later. Like it'll be some kind of lame commentary on reality television. Are people still upset by reality television? Since it hasn't killed well produced and well written shows, shouldn't we have moved past it feeling like a threat to writers, actors, and directors in the entertainment industry?

After the prologue is over, the real story begins. That's the part where Robin and Superboy are fighting robotic versions of themselves in a jungle. It would be more exciting if one of them was a daughter (although it would make the title a bit confusing).

No wait. I spoke too soon. The battle in the jungle might be the real story but it doesn't really begin there. It begins two days earlier in Hamilton County. That's where Jon Smith gets into a snowball fight with a bunch of bullies. The bullies don't resort to slush balls (which I can't help but think of rape when I mention them. Thanks a lot, Cosby, for tainting all of the your funny bits!); they put rocks in the snowballs. That doesn't sound like a cute idea at all although I always laughed when Mei would say, "I'm putting a rock in this one," in Mei's Snowball Fight in Overwatch. So I guess it's kind of cute and funny.

Damian shows up to win the snowball fight and show Jon that it's fun to shirk the rules. I don't think Jon is buying it. I wonder if this exact same script would work for a regular Superman and Batman story, with a few minor cosmetic changes, of course! Like school would be, um, traffic school! And the snowball fight would be an adult snowball fight with cussing!

Later that night, Damian visits Jon in bed.

Imagine how titillating this scene would be with adult Superman and Batman!

Later, Jon lies to Damian.

It was Jon White. Then Jon Smith. Is this Tomasi's way of saying, "You know what? Fuck it. They're back to being the Kents." Maybe they changed their names in the most recent Action Comics which I have yet to read.

Damian convinces Jon to get his Superboy kit on and head to Metropolis to investigate a mystery at LexCorps. While they're climbing the side of the building, Lex Luthor flies by to chastise them. Or maybe more than chastise them since that's the cliffhanger ending. I don't think Lex will do more than scold them though. Even Lex Luthor wouldn't punch young kids in the face. Would he?

The Ranking!
About average. I figure a Tomasi book about the Super and Bat kids will have some moments that get me right in the tear ducts but right now, it's exactly what you'd expect. Superboy being a good kid and Damian trying to push all of Superboy's buttons because Damian is an asshole.

Superman #16

Why is Superman so angry at his logo?

• Superman's plan from last issue worked perfectly and like a charm as well. It worked so well that he's now powerless and in the clutches of Prophecy. But since that was the plan...success! Way to go, Superman!

• Since Prophecy is full of the power of multiple Supermen and Super Rabbits, he is five hundred feet tall. Also his head is on fire. That means he's full of energy, probably. Also because he's so powerful and Superman has lost his powers, Prophecy decides to tell Superman why he's doing what he's doing. What harm can it do? At the very least, Prophecy is helping Superman to understand that some sort of crisis, probably infinite in scale, is coming to destroy the universe. Usually I'd ask grumpily, "How the fuck does he know?" But his name is Prophecy so that answers that.

• Prophecy needs the powers of all of the Supermen to save his dimension (I still don't know what number it is. Probably 48). After he accomplishes that, he may save the other universes too. But only if he has time. When Superman hears that, he's all, "When you believe you're going to be the savior of the universe, you're always destined to lose!" I think he learned that from Sun Tzu's dumber brother.

• Superman is tossed into a giant grave which the Supermen of the Multiverse are digging. But not Captain Carrot, even though rabbits are great diggers. He's just sitting there looking adorable.

That grave is big enough for a five hundred foot tall Superman, hint, hint!

• Superman took the only ship that can travel across the Multiverse (aside from the Eye of the Storm, I suppose) so Red Racer has to build another one at superspeed. This winds up killing him because of physics or something. It might have had something to do with his being gay as well.

• With the new ship, Justice League Incarnate can follow the beacon of the original Ultima Thule's music. They can travel to Prophecy's world and rescue the cute little rabbit.

• With the arrival of Justice League Incarnate, all of the supermen and superwomen and superrabbits get their powers back for some reason. Physics, again, I guess. Probably not homosexuality this time.

• Prophecy's hand is removed by the Supers because that's where he was storing their power. Then he teleports away while claiming he's all that stands in the way of oblivion. Or Oblivion with a capital O, I suppose. Maybe he meant Obsidian. He's gay!

• And that's the end! Everybody lives...FOR NOW!

The Ranking!
No change! That ending was anticlimactic in the extreme. It was so extremely anticlimactic that it was sort of climactic! Because I was totally expecting a bigger, more thrilling fight! I was expecting a plan to come together! I was expecting something other than "Hey! Hey! We got our powers back now everybody punch Prophecy at the same time! Winners!" But instead I got something disappointing which was a total twist which means it was a surprise which means it was climactic, right? No? Anyway, Prophecy has found himself with Tim Drake, a prisoner of Doctor Oz(y(man(hattan)dias)). Apparently the biggest secret of the DC Universe is that no character has ever died ever in the DC Universe's existence. They're all just locked away in some afterlife zoo.

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Superman #14

Prologue to some kind of crisis of infinite proportions.

• DC Comics has no idea what they want their comic book universe to look like. Infinite Earths? Way too fucking confusing! How about just one? You know what? That kind of hampers Flash so let's give the universe some alternate Earths but not too many. Also, maybe we can call them different timelines which are totally different than alternate dimensions. But altering the structure of the universe alters the history of the characters and even tough we totally embraced having a world where both Wonder Girl and Wonder Woman coexist even if they were originally the same character at different ages, we'd better restructure everybody's pasts with some kind of zero hour re-origining. Oh, you know what? Dan Jurgens still thinks Booster Gold should be super important so lets do something with him and Rip Hunter to make the universe more interesting. Although more interesting also means more confusing so maybe we can fix some stuff by having Superboy punch the fuck out of all of it? There! Perfect! Except, you know what? Maybe we should just scrap it all and start over! We'll hire all of the shittiest writers from Marvel and tell them just one world with no alternate timelines and no time travel! Boom! Totally fixed. Hey. What the fuck are Lobdell and DeFalco doing? We said no time travel, you idiots! Oh? The time travelers are from a different future timeline where they can time travel? Makes sense! Go for it! I mean, Ann Nocenti is making Oliver Queen soliloquize on a rooftop so do we really give a fuck anymore? You know what! We do! We've heard a few vague whispers that maybe some people might possibly miss Wally West and the legacy heroes! Let's bring them back and restart starting over! We'll blame The New 52 on the Watchmen (read: fans) and be all, "Rebirth, bitches! This is the universe we wanted to write about but you all demanded something that sucked!" I imagine this whole Multiplicity thing is going to throw a few wrenches into the already broken machinery of the DC Universe.

• This issue begins with Clark Smith almost running over Russian Superman. Does this have something to do with Trump's presidency?

• The Russian Superman warns Preboot Superman that some guy named Prophecy is collecting Superman the way nerds collect Magic the Gathering cards. I only use that simile so that maybe I can work in how unpleasant Magic the Gathering players are. They totally are!

• To be fair, I should tell this story! An ex-girlfriend of mine (before she was an ex) and I were at the laundromat one day opening up some Magic the Gathering packs. The Dark had been out for quite a while but Fallen Empires had yet to be published. We were pretty new to the game. Some college kid (I say kid but he was about our age (I guess we were kids then too!)) noticed us and I saw him take off. We were near the Santa Clara University dorms and he probably rushed back to his room to get his cards. He came back and engaged us on the hobby. He saw our enthusiasm for this new game and was just as excited to talk to us about it. While checking out our cards, he gave us both a Maze of Ith from The Dark set. So, you know, not all Magic the Gathering players are selfish, unsanitary wastes of space. That Maze of Ith he gave me was the only one I ever owned, even after buying enough Dark pacts and making trades to finish the set.

• I don't like to offer evidence that disproves my broad brush statements! I'd rather just say terrible things and have people think, "What a fucking dick!" It's just more fun to write stuff like that! And if I don't care what my mother and father think of me, why the fuck would I care what some Internet nobody thinks of me?!

• Russian Superman escaped from Prophecy with some information! Not about who peed on what but about Prophecy's search for his next Magic Card: Kenan Kong! Oh no! Not New Super-man! He's my favorite! Asterisk!

• *: Kenan Kong is my favorite Chinese Superman and not my favorite comic book character. My favorite comic book character is Skywise.

• Prophecy collects his Supermen through the use of creatures he calls Gatherers. Like Magic the Gatherers!

You can tell they're from another dimension because they spell list with a y.

• Russian Superman came through the dimensional barrier speaking Russian. The Gatherers come through speaking English. Convenient!

• I bet they actually speak "Englysh."

• The Gatherers helpfully explain what Prophecy does with the people on the lyst. He processes them! He consumes them! He adds them to his deck! But Superman is all, "I have a punch and a hilarious battle retort for this whole lyst thing! Ready?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it?!

• The Gatherers don't seem confused by the mention of Santa Claus. I guess they know him!

• The Gatherers mention that Communist Superman is from Earth 30. So at least Rebirth is sticking to the Multiversity Guidebook. It's nice to know that the people in charge don't always throw out every good idea they have.

• Preboot Superman and Red Superman defeat the Gatherers just before the Multiversity House of Heroes appear. They have Red Racer from Earth 36 and Thunderer from Earth 7 and Obama Superman from Earth 23 and Lady Aquaman from Earth 11 and Mary Marvel from Earth 5 and Mecha-Armor Batman from Earth 16 and Abin Sur Green Lantern from Earth 20 and some Deathstork looking motherfucker from Earth I Don't Know. I'm happy to see Multiversity being picked up and used in Rebirth!

• President Superman explains that his team is called Justice League Incarnate. They protect the Multiverse from bad guys like the Anti-Monitor and The Gentry and Magic the Gathering players!

Boom! Nailed them all from the double splash page. Except Machinehead who is from the Marvel Universe Parody world of Earth 8.

• Kenan Kong is captured before the Justice League Incarnate can save him. But Preboot Superman manages to gather a Gatherer! They'll probably vivisect it to find the way to Prophecy's home universe.

• Elsewhere, Prophecy is busy constructing his deck. The next card he chooses is Captain Carrot whose power is consumed by Prophecy and Captain Carrot turns into a fuzzy little bunny who can't write comics at all. Probably. Also captured by Prophecy: Kenan Kong of Earth 0; Bizarro Superman of Earth 29; Vampire Superman of Earth 43; Prez Rickard's Pal, Superman of Earth 47; Super-Soldier of Earth 32; O.G. Superman of Earth 2; Lady Superman of Earth 11; Super Fascist of Earth 50; Pirate Superman of Earth 31; Golden Age Superman's super great grandchild of Earth 38; Super-branded Superman of Earth 45; Kingdom Come Superman of Earth 22; and Superman of the Earth One Prestige Format books. That's a lot of Supermen! Oh, and just for information's sake, Captain Carrot is from Earth 26!

• There will be a quiz.

The Ranking!
+1! Yay! I fucking love the Multiverse! DC made the biggest mistake of their lives with Crisis on Infinite Earths, even though it was the most exciting thing ever to be done at the time. The only fault with it is that the superheroes didn't exactly win since they only saved one Earth out of infinity. It was a much better idea (only thought of decades later) to have them save a few more than that.

Superman #13

This is no time to be taking a selfie, Supes.

The Review!
This issue is about love and reflection and monsters in love too. That last part is the best part. I don't care that Superman gets a renewed perspective on his family life. I just like Frankenstein and Lady Frankenstein at each other's throats. And I especially like that Frankenstein still pines for Lady Frankenstein even though he blew the relationship apart because she did something he did not approve of. Sure, that something was killing their only child. But it's not like she approved of that either! She didn't want that to happen! But her son begged her and, being his mother, and knowing that he was in pain due to the destruction and hurt he'd caused, and that once his moment of clarity ended he would go back to that, she killed him. For the greater good. And Frankenstein hurt her even more by not accepting that and not being there for her. Instead he decided to take out his anger and mourning on her when she most needed love and comfort. So when he asks her to return to him, she, quite rightly, tells him to fuck off. Now that's a love story I can appreciate!

The Ranking!
+1!

Superman #12

The Frankensteins are coming for dinner!

The first thing I noticed is that Lois rides a boy's bike. I get that girl's bikes were designed for skirts but we all realized as boys, fairly early on, that girl's bikes would have been preferable for boys as well. It just takes one accident where you rack yourself on the frame to realize you wished you had had the balls to buy a girl's bike before you lost them on the boy's bike. Of course, now that there isn't any stigma against a woman riding a bike like a man (meaning riding a bike like a normal person would ride a fucking bike if it weren't for social conventions created by horrible and uptight people), it's no big deal. But I still noticed it! Lois is such a man!

Even though Lois has accepted the job at the Daily Planet pretending to be Lois Lane, Lois Smith still needs a job of her own. So she's going to be working for the Hamilton Horn, Hamilton County's local paper. And she gets her first big story during the interview as Frankenstein crashes through the wall.

Frankenstein thinks the editor in chief is somebody named Outcast. He also mentions SHADE which is usually when I begin suggesting possibly reverse acronyms for it. Super Humans Against Dowdy Editors?

Lois Lane keeps one of Batman's Hellbat gloves in her backpack. I would say she stole it but if Batman has yet to reclaim it, the only reasonable assumption is that he doesn't mind Lois having it. She uses it to put down Frankenstein so she can help the editor escape. The editor must be evil because why else would Frank target her? Other than the fact she's an editor. I mean, that alone is reason enough to destroy her and send her to Hell.

I might have an irrational hatred and bias toward editors. Although maybe it's not irrational. You would probably hate people who constantly "tsk-tsked" your manuscripts as well. What do editors know about art anyway?! They look at the Chicago Manual of Style as the Mona Lisa of grammar. More like a gigantic snoozefest of boring rules and impossible to follow regulations!

Lois and Candice, the editor (can you read the word "editor" as if it's in some kind of gross, dripping font every time you see me write it? Thanks!), escape in Frank's hovercycle he brought to the scene of his attempted justicing. See that last sentence? That's pretty good, right?! Totally conveys the point I'm trying to make. But an editor (dripping font, remember!) would be all, "Justicing is not a word. Change it. It should make sense." But it does make sense! Everybody can sense the fuck out of it! Except stupid editors.

Frankenstein hops on the vehicle as Lois uses it to escape. But then Superman appears because the title of this comic book is "Superman" and not "The Adventures of Superman's Wife, Lois Smith".

Last issue, Superman fought Swamp Thing. Now he's fighting Frankenstein. Let me guess: next story, he's going to beat the shit out of Kermit the Frog!

Frank shoots Superman in the face with his magic pistol and then crushes Superman under a tractor. Then he walks away as if that's all it takes to defeat Superman. I don't think Frankenstein has been doing his SHADE homework again. Stupid Homework Always Drags Endlessly?

Guns don't kill Frankenstiens. Mobs with pitchforks and torches kill Frankensteins.

Superman returns to punch Frank in the face again but not before Frank uses his Remote Control to call back his hover vehicle. It returns with Lois still at the helm and smashes into the back of Superman's head. Hopefully it's made of technology and not magic or else Superman might have a super-concussion.

Frankenstein cuts off Candice's face revealing she's a Manhunter. Or a robot or something. You know, like I said, she's a fucking editor. They all deserve to get their faces cut off!

Candice turns out to be Kroog, some kind of alien murderer. Now Superman needs to figure out if he should stop Frankenstein or not. And Lois will have to figure out what the Frankensteins eat when she cooks them supper at the end of the next issue, after the Bride of Frankenstein arrives. I know she was on the cover of this issue but she didn't quite make it before the first part ended.

The Ranking!
+1! Come on! Frankenstein has come back! That alone is worth the cover price. But also, the editor was revealed to be a hidden monster! And guess who edits this book? Eddie Berganza! Coincidence? I think not!

Superman Annual #1

They're fighting over who loves the sun more.

Tumblr, I would appreciate it if you would stop filling my dashboard with advertisements for fetish sites.

No thanks!


Super no thanks!


Enough with the avocados already! I don't even like to eat them!

This issue begins with Clark checking the cabbages on his farm. But he's not wearing his glasses, so how is he going to see it clearly? Also he isn't wearing overalls and from everything I know about farmers is that they wear overalls. Unless they also wear flannel shirts. But if they're wearing flannel shirts and playing a bass guitar, they are probably not farmers but slackers from Seattle. Judging from the cover, it looks like Clark is going to either ask Swamp Thing for help and it will all go wrong, or Clark is going to use some kind of Monsanto seeds and face the harsh judgment of the alt-left. I mean Swamp Thing!

I'm not a farmer but I think Clark's problem might be trying to grow his cabbages directly under the elm in the backyard.

My guess is that the fields are super dry because growing Black Mercies takes a lot out Earth earth.

Clark decides to investigate the problem with his farm as Superman. Obviously there must be something strange going on if Superman can't grow a few cabbages. No way he's just an idiot when it comes to farming, right? He tears off his shirt and flies into the sky.

Has there ever been a story in the 60s or 70s where a tailor in Metropolis figured out Superman's secret identity simply because Clark kept bringing in all of his shirts to get the buttons sewn back on?

Superman manages to find Swamp Thing draining all of the water around the Smith Farm. Swamp Thing's first words to Preboot Superman are, "You don't belong here anymore!" Oh. I don't want to see these two fighting! They're one of my favorite ships!

OMG! So cute!

Swamp Thing has felt something wrong with The Green surrounding Preboot Superman's existence on Earth New Earth. Don't worry, Swampy. We all feel it! I keep hoping every Superman story arc I read is going to fix it. But then I also hope that each Superman story arc I read doesn't fix it because DC Comics has a tendency of fixing things in a way that just makes them more broken. I really think it's time they stop trying to tie up all the weird continuity ends and just say, "Fuck it!" I think that's a reasonable way to approach most of life's problems.

Although keeping the DC Universe in this state has one upside: it makes Preboot Superman one of my favorite characters. I love that he can reference all of the stories of DC's past that nobody else knows anything about. Except maybe Wally West. But I don't like Wally West for no particular reason at all.

See?! They're going to fight over who's a bigger fan of the sun! Like a couple of asshat Harry Potter fans on Tumblr!

Superman touches Swamp Thing, leaving a big blue hand-print on him. And then Swamp Thing begins to speak in Klingon. I mean Kryptonian. He says, "I'm Superman. And I can do almost anything. Except of course raise the dead." So he's not Jesus Christ. Big deal! He's better than Jesus. Bigger! More popular!

Swamp Thing continues: "I'm here to say goodbye, Clark. I know you are not coming back. You and your family are not what you believe you are." I hope Superman is lying to Clark right now because I don't want Preboot Superman to not be Preboot Superman. See what's happening? DC Comics is trying to fix shit and only making it worse! Because usually they're fixing the thing that they used to fix the last thing that was broken but meant to fix the previous thing that was broken which was the thing they used to fix a previous thing that was broken. And, of course, used to fix another thing. All the way back to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Every fucking time DC changes their universe, it's just another domino due to the 1985 Crisis.

More from Swamp Thing as he and Superman battle: "You may not be here in body but I know you are in apirit...". I think he probably meant spirit there. Superman does mention that Swamp Thing's accent and dialect make it so he can barely understand him. It does seem weird that the most obvious Kryptonian letter is the S because it matches Superman's symbol for hope. And yet that's the letter the letterer typos? I think it's a clue!

Superman drives Holland deep into the Earth so that Swamp Thing can take root and cleanse himself of the virus Superman gave him by touching him. It works and Swamp Thing stops spouting Kryptonian. That's too bad. I wanted to hear more!

After Swamp Thing is better, he decides to help Superman cleanse himself too. To do that, he wants to fuse with Superman. YES PLEASE!

Instead of relenting and eating one of Swamp Thing's Fuck Fruits, Superman decides punching is the better solution. I suppose Swamp Thing should get consent but since I want to see them fuck and I know they're fictional characters, I don't really mind that Swamp Thing is being so aggressive. Plus his "fusion" isn't really about fucking. But it still sounds intimate enough that he should stop and explain things to Superman instead of playing the "NO TIME TO EXPLAIN! WE MUST WASTE TIME FIGHTING NOW!" card.

Apparently Swamp Thing did have an actual timetable for fusion and it might have to do with the setting sun. Because after fighting a bit, Swamp Thing points out that they can't even fuse now. So instead, he eats Superman. I'm starting to see why my Tumblr Dashboard is full of advertisements thinking that I want to have sex with fruits. I'm still a bit confused about the baby with the codpiece.

Apparently Preboot Superman is drawing in too much solar energy around him. So that's why his cabbages keep dying! Of course it isn't because he sucks at farming! That would have been preposterous! What is also preposterous is the spelling of preposterous.

Swamp Thing finally gets permission from Swamp Thing to do the fusion thing. Although is it really consent if you've already eaten the person?

Swamp Thing says Superman has to forget the past to remain on Earth New Earth. See that? Fuck you, DC! You can't tell me to forget that this is Preboot Superman just because Swamp Thing tells him to forget that he's Preboot Superman! You can suck my dick, DC Comics! Just stop trying to fix everything already! This isn't going to make Superman fit better. Everybody else still knows he's a different Superman. I suppose if all of the editors tell all of the writers to just treat this Superman as the New 52 Superman, it gets rid of some of the stupid shit you pulled trying to fix New 52 Superman. But really you've just broken everything a little bit more. What will be your next fix that breaks things more by fixing one tiny thing? Idiots.

The Review!
Look, I hate the idea that this Superman somehow needs to be fixed by incorporating him into the New 52 world better. And that's where my vitriol comes from. But I actually liked this story by Tomasi and Gleason. Besides, they didn't go to the extreme that Swamp Thing erased Superman's memories. Swamp Thing just put the emphasis on Superman to look toward the future and simply accept Earth New Earth as if it were Preboot Earth One. That kind of works for me since I already think of it that way. And I think of it as Pre-Zero Hour Earth and Post Crisis Earth and Pre-Crisis Earth too. All the stories in my head, the ones I grew up reading, are what make the DC Universe, not what DC tells me about their Universe. They hardly ever know what they're doing anyway when it comes to editorial control. It's best just to love the stories by the writers you love and believe the characters have been built upon those stories alone.

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Superman #10

Now kiss! Not the kids, you whacko perv!

The Review!
I really need to just read a bunch of comic books and then write quick reviews on each so I can catch up. But how can I not express how my heart grew three sizes this day when I turned to the second page to see that the person Jon Smith bumped into at school is Maya Nobody?! This is almost the same feeling I get when I watch Degrassi Junior High!

It turns out Maya was sent to spy on Superboy by the control freak's son, Control Freak Junior. But Jon almost burns down a forest and Maya steps in and...well, they wind up in the Batcave so that Robin can express to Jon what I've been expressing to Tomasi and Gleason for months now.

You tell him, Damian! I mean, it's not really his fault. It's the fault of the writers, Monstrous Tomasi and Grotesque Gleason!

So the stuff that I usually talk about happens like Maya laughing at Jon's joke at Robin's expense and Alfred praising Jon for being so much more civil than the Robins he's known. Then I would usually have some terribly opinionated opinions about things and insult a good three percent of my readers. Then they probably never read another review I write which is okay because the terribly opinionated opinions I said would have made somebody with a keener sense of humor laugh and they would make up for my loss in readership. But for now, I just have to get by with a few quick words and a few scans. I'm over sixty comics behind and I just want to catch up to the weekly books!

Finally! My favorites! The Bat-Pets!

Robin's grin after that Goldie remark is only bested by the following page where Superboy wipes it off his face by punching him in the stomach. Like fathers, like sons, I suppose.

The kids get in a brawl and only stop when Superman and Batman glare mightily at them. I think I'm going to like these kids. I definitely like Jon a whole lot more than when I first pretended I hated him because kid characters are usually annoying. But I've liked Damian since he first appeared. It wasn't hard to choose Damian as my favorite Robin when the other choices are boring Tim Drake, fangasm Jason Todd, and run-of-the-mill Dick Grayson. I mean, I like Dick now! (You are not allowed to use that out of context!) But he was crap for a long time. And Jason Todd isn't the poor little poor boy hunka-hunka manbeef Jason Todd fans have deluded them into thinking he is. He's just an ass, and as of the last few years, a poorly written ass. But Damian is a firecracker! He's decapitated more people than all of the other Robins put together!

+1 Ranking.

Superman #9

Titano lives on Dinosaur Island? Now I'm interested!

My biggest question about a Donald Trump presidency is this: how are foreign leaders going to keep from laughing in his face, rolling their eyes, and pointing at him while looking at their assistants and saying, "Seriously? This guy?" Of course they'll probably say "Seriously? This guy?" in a different language! I mean, he'll probably get along with Theresa May. But I can't see any other foreign leaders taking him seriously! Although I don't really know any other foreign leaders being that I have the attention span and interests of a typical American. I have a vague suspicion that there must be other leaders of other countries but I can't be bothered to look into the matter. And now that Donald Trump is going to be our president, I'm too embarrassed to even Google any other leaders. As soon as I see their faces, I will simply imagine how disappointed they are in my country and I'll feel really embarrassed.

Thankfully I read comic books to help me forget about all of the terrible actions that a Republican controlled government will take to ruin the economy and social welfare of the people! Although I'm not sure a comic book about an island where dinosaurs run loose devouring anybody who can't defend themselves will be much of a help in that regard.

Superman and Superboy have discovered the home of The Losers on Dinosaur Island. Most of The Losers are dead (including Pooch as Pet Killers Tomasi and Gleason gleefully pointed out last issue). But one still lives! A one-eyed, one-legged maniac who shoots first and second and probably third and almost certainly doesn't ask questions because corpses can't talk. Although he'll have to come up with some questions this time because he's shooting first at Superman. I don't know which Loser this guy is because I don't know The Losers at all. Why would I read a comic book about losers?! I pointed out earlier that I read comic books to help me forget about my life!

The man's name is Captain Storm and he's probably going to tell a story about The Losers. If he does, it had better have Superman in it because I bought a comic book about Superman. I'll feel ripped off if the comic book is about Superman listening to a story about the actual stars of the comic book. I might even think poorly of DC Comics for about ten seconds.

Captain Storm's story doesn't take too long to tell. That's a relief! Although, to be completely transparent, I already thought the bad thoughts about DC Comics! Storm simply points out that The Loser were all killed. Although they also thought he was dead and had a grave for him already set up. So maybe they're all still alive somewhere on the island! Even if they just buried a skeleton that had been wearing Johnny Cloud's dog tags! Maybe even Pooch! Although Goldie is still dead. Assholes.

Captain Storm has a trained pterodactyl. I can already imagine Gleason and Tomasi chomping at the bit to kill it!

Captain Storm says he knows where Superman's Plot Device is. Superman needs the Plot Device to get him and Jon back to reality. In this case, reality is not a world where dinosaurs and World War II fighting men share an island. Reality is wear grown men dress up in tights, wear masks, and assume stupid monikers.

Superman discovers that the creature guarding the Plot Device is a gigantic white ape with a cybernetic eye like the one Cave Carson has. I mean, like the one the giant squid that attacked them in Issue #2 had! It probably ties in to the Watchmen, right? Creatures watching the world? It sounds like something Ozymandias would come up with.

I hope when the Watchmen do turn up (you know, after Didio and Johns can come up with an interesting and believable story about why they fucked up the DC Universe and how it is absolutely the fault of the DC readership), Rorschach is back to life. He and the Comedian were the only interesting ones and they were both killed! But the Comedian was a rapist so he can't come back to life. But what did Rorschach ever do to deserve death except stand by his ideals! Bring back Rorschach! Bring back Rorschach! Down with Trump! Down with...whoops! My chanting got out of control!

An upsetting number of pages are used for a fight with dinosaurs and monsters. I'm sure they don't upset most people because it's a comic book! What do I expect? Intellectual literature and high-minded philosophy?! Well, yeah! Didn't DC fill their quota on boring monster fights with that Monster Men story? It's possible I've outgrown comic books. It's also possible it took me twenty five years too many to come to that realization.

Superman and Jon recover the Plot Device and Superman also takes Titano's eye before the Plot Device kicks in and begins returning them to the real world. Captain Storm decides to stay behind because he knows the world has changed too much for an old soldier like him. He's much wiser than Steve Rogers! Not that Steve Rogers had a choice about joining the modern world, I guess.

After transporting back to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman discovers that the gorilla's eye and Captain Storm's wooden leg he was hanging onto have disappeared. He doesn't know where they've gone but the reader sort of gets to know! Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) filched them! And he's standing in his out-of-continuity lair staring at his next creation: the New York Alien Monster Octopus Times One Million! Is he going to crash it into Earth-New-Earth so that all of the universes in the multiverse put aside their differences to face a common enemy?! Probably not. He's probably just going to give it the mind of Doomsday, strap Tim Drake to its back, and send it to Earth-New-Earth simply to cause death and destruction.

The Ranking!
0! I'm beginning to wish that this issue had been a story about The Losers! Stupid DC! Give me what I don't know I want even when I think I want the opposite of what I want and you give me what I thought I wanted! Jerks!