Year of the Villain: The Riddler #1

My shadow is always an asterisk.

Everybody knows Batman villains were all named to represent pedophiles except slightly changed so as to not be blatant about Batman's anti-child fucking theme. So The Riddler is The Diddler and The Joker is the Poker and The Penguin is the creepy uncle and Man-Bat represents the National Man-Boy Love Association and Hush is "Don't tell your parents about this" and Bane is an engorged penis and Robin is the intended victim whom Batman must constantly keep safe (and not Batman's secret sex partner, you disgusting assholes who think it's so fucking funny to point out that Batman and Dick Grayson totally tongue kiss each other and call it "Bat Snogging"). Catwoman obviously represents the pussy that all the pedophiles ignore in order to get some of that sweet, sweet Dick Grayson. Poison Ivy, also a better choice to pursue than a young boy, is so named because all the kiddie diddler villains would rather avoid her touch. This whole paradigm was set up in the mid-twentieth century so you'll have to forgive them for thinking a "normal" relationship is one that's between a woman and a man (I mean, you don't have to forgive them. But calling them out on it isn't going to create a time vortex which will fix their outdated and patriarchal attitudes! You're just going to have to accept that's the way it was! Unless maybe the Scarecrow was the male version of an appropriate partner for the adult gay villains (it was the 40s! Of course the gay villain would be seen as scary! (and also the Scarecrow could have been scary because he was just another pedophile (and also the gay villains were pursuing Robin because they were pedophiles and not because they were gay!)))).

That doesn't have anything to do with this comic book. I'm not sure why I even brought it up since even the least comic book savvy person already knows it! It's a better known fact than the one about how Aquaman is only useful for interviewing fish witnesses at scenes of crimes.

Remember Brave and the Bold #68 in which The Riddler left clues like "If a man makes a spectacle of himself, what crimes will lurk in the heart of the ice palace?" and "What's totally illegal but so, so satisfying?" and "How many pairs of Robin's underwear can I fit inside of my mouth?" Some of Batman's other pedo gallery members appeared in that issue too. But luckily Robin was safely away on a mission with the Teen Titans. Instead, Batman had Metamorpho take the shape of a young innocent boy to trap all of his disgusting foes. Man, comic books were totally weird and inappropriate!

I only bring up this ancient history most DC fans don't like to bring up because this issue begins with The Diddler up to his old tricks.

The answer to this question is easy if you were alive for the Dead Baby joke trend in the eighties.

Batman knows some good Dead Baby jokes too!

A baby impaled on a globe!

The Riddler is upset because Lex Luthor hasn't asked him to join the whole Year of the Villains extravaganza. Of course Lex didn't! Why would he want anything to do with a pedo Batman villain? Okay, sure, he's working with The Joker. But that's probably because he's seriously afraid of The Joker. Also, maybe he's working with the one of the two Jokers (out of the three!) that aren't pedophiles.

But Lex Luthor does pay The Riddler a visit!

Hopefully Lex just came by to out The Riddler and punch him in his disgusting face.

I don't know what's on The Riddler's trophy that Lex is holding but I'm sure it will be important on the last page of the comic book. Sort of a Rosebud surprise that explains why The Riddler is the gross, incompetent jerk he is. I hope it's first place in a Dead Baby joke telling contest.

Lex tells The Riddler a story that's supposed to help The Riddler figure out why he's such an incompetent jerk. It's a riddle of sorts so The Riddler should be able to figure it out by the end of the issue. I hope he does because I'm sure not going to figure it out! It's not like Scott Lobdell wrote this issue where I'd have it all figured out by the third page (after the first two pages were done recapping the last issue and also changing some things that Scott apparently didn't like and figured nobody would remember a month later (that being said, his trades must be hell to edit together)). This was written by Mark Russell! I mean, I wouldn't say Mark Russell is smarter than me. But I would say that he thinks differently than me in a way that "society" might "deem" "more intelligent."

Tut (not King Tut because that would probably create legal troubles between whoever owns the television series characters and DC Comics) decides to join forces with The Riddler so they can catch Batman in an Egyptian-themed riddle trap! This is where I think up a bunch of dead baby jokes where the answer involves being able to fuck the dead babies but I'd rather not do that because everybody on the Internet will judge me. They'll be all, "Who would think up a joke about comparing a stack of dead babies to the pyramid at Giza and how you'd break your dick trying to fuck the pyramid?! Ugh! Cancelled!" I don't want to be cancelled! I don't want my last tweet to be, "Et tu, Internet?"

Tut and Riddler prepare for capturing and killing Batman so they can get their filthy hands on young, innocent, hairless Dick Grayson by sending a missive to Commissioner Gordon.

I don't know if this should make me feel closer to Mark Russell as a writer or closer to Mark Russell's idea of Tut who is a terrible writer?

While Batman walks into Tut's trap (which maybe should be in quotation marks because all traps should be in quotation marks when Batman is walking into them?), The Riddler thinks about the trophy and what it meant to him. It was awarded to him for solving some class mystery in under a minute. And it represented respect. But Lex says some sort of AA hoodoo about the mistake of living for the past and trying to prove you're not who you used to be rather than just getting on with living for the future which eats away at The Riddler until he just up and quits being The Riddler.

But what will he become?! Can any other writer figure out the answer to that riddle or has Mark Russell ensured that he'll have at least one more gig at DC in the future?! Maybe Tom King can answer the riddle. And I bet Brian Michael Bendis can make the riddle not matter anymore and just bring The Riddler back like he was. And maybe Dan Jurgens can answer the question by bringing back the 1986 version of The Riddler while ignoring the events of this comic book completely. Or maybe Geoff Johns can bring Scrooge McDuck into the DC Universe to fix The Riddler by offering him loads of gold to continue being The Riddler? Or maybe Garth Ennis can be hired on to make The Riddler step up and actually come out as The Diddler in a Vertigo Diddler series that would show The Diddler fucking up kids in ways that would make all the shit that happened to Herr Starr in The Preacher look like a fun day out at the local water park!

Or maybe The Riddler will just come back as a hero who asks villains riddles where the answer is almost always, "A kick to the groin, asshole!" I guess that version would be written by Mark Millar!

Year of the Villain: The Riddler #1 Rating: A+. I think I promised to always rate Mark Russel and Tom King books as "A+" because who else is writing stories of this quality in the DC bullpen? Fucking nobody, that's who! Okay, maybe Bendis but I'm not reading Bendis's books anymore. Except for Batman Universe which stars The Riddler but dumber (he's dumber because something in the story is clouding his mind and not because I'm criticizing how well Bendis writes The Riddler. Although making him dumber for plot reasons is a great way to obfuscate Bendis's terrible ability to come up with good riddles! So it's both smart and stupid in a way!).

The Flash #51

The Flash versus The Riddler? This is supposed to be a compelling match-up?

The Review or Whatever
The Flash has been on a pretty terrible run of issues lately. Get it?! I said "run" while discussing The Flash! I could totally write this comic book. I bet I could even write a good time travel story for The Flash even though The Flash's time travel stories are generally terrible and cause a lot of problems. I would have The Flash time travel back to when he first time traveled so that he could kick himself in the balls. But he'd do it so fast that he wouldn't even notice and then he'd try to run super fast on the Cosmic Treadmill but his balls would hurt so badly that he'd decide it wasn't possible and completely give up on time travel. Although that would really reset the DC Universe in disastrous ways, right? How many years of continuity would be destroyed if The Flash never finds out about Earth-2?! Then he'd have to go back in time to kick himself in the balls before he could kick himself in the balls so that time could be put back to normal!

Oh! Guess who isn't doing the art on this issue? Brett Booth! CONFETTI!

How the hell does The Riddler say so many things before The Flash has him bound and gagged?! Comic books are so silly!

The Riddler's riddle is an old riddle? I guess it's from back when people were long winded and asked terrible riddles! I've never heard that old riddle before! It sounds like it was made up by Van Jensen! "I am fast but you are slow! Nothing is as fast as I am because I am so fast you won't believe it! So fast! Fastest thing there is! You'll never guess! Super fast! Whew!" The answer is light which is a big twist to the usual hack writer way of defeating The Flash by declaring that "nothing is as fast as the speed of thought!" But here's the problem with The Riddler's plan. He can set off all of his drones to kill a bunch of random people all over the city whenever he wants. But he explicitly tells The Flash that he can give the command. But in the time it takes for him to even explain that, The Flash should have knocked him unconscious. The Riddler isn't as smart as he thinks he is because no writer is as smart as The Riddler should be.

The Riddler informs The Flash that if he uses his speed or attempts to touch The Riddler, the drones all over the city will begin killing people. So The Flash just stands there waiting to get his ass kicked. You know what he should do? Run all over the city super fast and stop as many drones as possible. Sure, some people will die. But that's not on The Flash at all! That's on The Riddler! Plus The Flash will have stopped whatever worse plans The Riddler has in store!

Oh! You know what else The Flash could do? He could open up his Justice League Communicator so that Batman can hear what's going on! Then Batman and Wonder Woman and Supercorpse can come save the day while The Flash distracts The Riddler. But I guess he's got too much pride to call in the other Justice Leaguers.

The Pied Piper rolls up on his motorcycle to save The Flash. I guess The Flash escaping doesn't constitute an infringement of the rules because The Riddler doesn't start killing people.

Oh no! What if Wally starts using his new superspeed powers! The drones will detect it and start killing people! Oh my! I hope that doesn't happen! I'm so nervous now!

The Flash and Piper head into the sewers to recruit a whole bunch of rats! Meanwhile, Captain Frye learns that he now works for The Riddler because he's made a ton of stupid decisions lately. He deserves everything he gets! What a tool!

The Riddler demands that The Flash turn himself in or else everybody begins dying. He thinks that's a plan by a smart guy? That's the same old plan that always gets pulled out and fails! Fucking Riddler is as dumb as ever!

The Flash gives himself up and he also reveals his secret identity while doing it. I don't remember that being part of The Riddler's demands but whatever! Good job, Barry! Hopefully you called Batman before surrendering because I don't think Pied Piper's sixty thousand rats are going to save the day. I mean, they might. People get really creeped out by rats!

Batman #33

This is less like a finale and more like a fine ale. Or something.

This is the end! The end of our story! This is the end! The high-priced extra dollar end of our story!

This final issue comes down to a personal battle of wits between Batman and The Riddler. Batman must answer twelve riddles where the answers will be things like "Scorpion!" and "A goat!" and "Green Arrow!" If he answers them all correctly before Gotham is blown to bat-pieces, he'll get to punch The Riddler in the face. But I think Gotham will still be blown to pieces. So the only difference in answering the riddles is the satisfaction of breaking The Riddler's eye sockets. Gotham City must rely on the police commissioner and an inventor and a handful of black ops military men to save it now. But when has that ever been enough? I tell you when! Never, that's when! Gotham needs the Batman!

This paragraph is in invisible ink that can't be read by Batmen because I didn't want to hurt his feelings but here's the truth: Gotham City doesn't really need Batman at all! What it really needs is a good bombing! Barring a good bombing, it could probably make due with an aquatic super hero who's also a writer. He could write scathing articles about the corruption on the police force while stopping all the illegal weapons and drugs from entering Gotham through the harbor. Of course, being a water super hero, he'd have to make sure the Gotham airport was shut down and the train tunnels filled in. And I say "he" because I really mean Grunion Guy! Give a guy a chance, okay, DC Comics?

Anyway, on to the most important part of this issue, the Game of Riddles!

The answer to The Riddler's first riddle is "louse." I could be The Jeezly Crow Batman!

That one was easy! House without the "H," lies without the "ies," stitched together to become "louse." I haven't read Batman's explanation yet but I did see he said louse on the next page. After coming up with it myself, of course! I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all! Okay, so that doesn't translate to Master Riddle Answerer but it's close enough. I solved the DC Challenge after the first issue! Although none of the other writers solved it so it didn't resolve the way it should have and my solution became null and void since the other writers of the series were idiots!

Also, I probably only solved this riddle because it was wordplay. If I am The Batman and The Riddler asks a riddle that forces me to think around a corner, Gotham is dead.

I see Batman discovered the riddle had more clues pointing to the answer plus Eddie dropped a further hint before even asking the Riddle. So many clues to come up with one answer? The Riddler must be calibrating The Batman's ability with the first question.

How am I supposed to play along at home if Batman keeps interrupting?! Jerko!

Batman must have trained under a Grandmaster Riddler Asker on his travels around the world to become the best at everything because I certainly wouldn't have jumped to the "bee" conclusion so soon! I was leaning toward a baseball game! But that's because I can only answer riddles generally asked by third graders. Here's a horrendous riddle I heard in fifth grade that I remember because I didn't fucking get it: "Why can't The Go-Go's get pregnant? Because their lips are sealed." I just thought that it meant they couldn't get married because they couldn't say "I do" or answer "yes" to a proposal which meant they could never get pregnant because that kind of thing doesn't happen out of wedlock! I bet the kid that asked me the riddle didn't actually understand it either. I also didn't know what boner was slang for, so there were some other jokes I didn't understand.

The Go-Gos?

Does the answer to this riddle have something to do with the incorrect way he phrased it? "My greatest of my strengths"? Is that a hint? Shouldn't he give more hints?! His first riddle had a dozen clues! This one has two lines? The only thing that knows its own worth is the brain. But how does it hug itself tightly at every birth? Because it's squished coming out of the birth canal? Maybe the answer is a kitten! Kittens surely know their own worth! And they're always getting hugs! Practically all the time!

See?! That's a clue, right? It's kittens!

Unless the clue part of that statement is the tongue part! Maybe the answer is a French kiss! Or a scream! Or a philosophical statement denoting the pain and ecstasy of sentient life?

I guess that's the end of the riddle game!

Like Alexander the Great and WOPR, Batman realizes the only way to win the game is to not play it at all. It looks like Lucius figured out a way to jam The Riddler's robot bodyguards leaving Batman free to break some bones. "Riddle me this, Riddler? How many broken bones can a human have while still remaining alive? Let's find out the answer together! ONE! TWO! CRUNCH!"

Meanwhile Jim Gordon grabs a reflective surface, paints a bat on it, and then uses it to try to blind the fighter pilots so they crash before releasing their bombs. The pilots aren't blinded but they do notice the bat painted on it and decide to stand by for new orders while the officers back at the base try to figure out what it could mean.

Once The Riddler has been curbstomped by Batman, Batman has to reboot the city by sticking some doohickey on his chest and sucking down 1000 volts of voltage. At the same time, he's having a memory of going through electroshock therapy. Is that something that was touched upon earlier in the story that I've forgotten? Are we about to learn that Batman's entire existence was just a sanitarium dream, like in that episode of Buffy or, years previous to that, the issue of Doom Patrol where Crazy Jane is stuck in an asylum hallucinating the Doom Patrol and the Kingdom of Chairs? Is DC Comics going to retire Batman completely here and show that he's always just been a nobody inmate in Arkham Asylum?! Will DC destroy its cash cow for the sake of one story?!

I think I should probably just keep reading to find out why Bruce decided to go through electroshock therapy!

But first, Alfred needs to save his life.

I'm glad Alfred was smart enough to know that you don't start a stopped heart with the defibrillators that Batman used to stop his heart! You restart a heart with CPR! I mean, of course Alfred knows that! What kind of a genius battlefield surgeon would he be if he relied on television medicine?

Oh, and Gotham never gets bombed. Even though Bruce could have made a shit-ton of money helping to rebuild! That's an opportunity squandered. Anyway, everybody gets around to rebuilding after Bruce Wayne says some really inspiring things and hires Lucius Fox to help run Wayne Enterprises and makes friends with the new Commissioner. Gotham is about to go through a renaissance and not be plagued by horrible madmen at all! And all it took was one small death wish and a whole lot of elbow grease!

I hope the electro-booted Bruce and his fake Alfred exist on one of the other Earths.

Lastly there's a bit about Alfred's dreams being crushed under the heavy heel of The Batman, and thus begins, well, you know.

Batman #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue is the perfect issue to jump on board if you don't know anything about The Jeezly Crow Batman! What's that? What about the "finale" right there on the cover? You're afraid you won't understand it and you'll need to read the previous five hundred issues of Zero Year? No! Don't worry about that. All you need to know is right here in this issue! Everything from Bruce's realization that he needs to realize stuff to Alfred's codependent beginnings to Jim Gordon's coat's origin to Lucius Fox's raise to the importance of the Batcave's giant penny to even more declarative statements separated by the preposition "to." It's a cavalcade of cavalcadian proportions! Although the one thing that won't be explained is the cover. When did Batman go roaming about the city with a pride of lions?! Maybe the cover is simply a memorial for the lions who died earlier in the series. Or maybe it's a riddle!

Batman #32

The Riddler's spider has been drinking too much coffee.

My life needs to be reorganized. I can't remember the last time I finished reading a real book. Okay, so I've reread three out of the five Hitchiker's books so far this year. I'm currently on So Long and Thanks for All the Fish which may have been my favorite of the original four unless I'm misremembering my childhood. I know Life, the Universe, and Everything is my least favorite and I always forget the plot of it until the next time I begin reading it and am reminded of the robots from Kricket. I think it would have been a better book if the actual hero of the book, Trillian, had a lot more pages devoted to her. My favorite subplot of the entire series which resolves itself in Mostly Harmless is in Life though. It's the part where Arthur meets the creature he's been unknowingly killing over and over again across his life. And then Mostly Harmless eventually became my favorite book because I love its take on manipulating multiple timelines to create ones own desired timeline.

When did I become such a lazy reader?! I don't know what to blame but I'm willing to blame Scott Lobdell! Or Rob Liefeld. Or the large amount of time I devote to my Lord and Master, Satan.

This issue begins with Bruce Wayne hiring a new butler.

Cue Beavis and Butthead laugh.

If I were the street performer, I'd tell Bruce to shove it. "I don't need your lousy job!" I'd say, "I've got this fat stack of hundreds!" Although maybe I'd first find out what that one thing I'd have to do turned out to be. It could be playing video games! Or eating too much candy! Or swimming in a private swimming pool that hasn't been adulterated up by all the neighborhood children! That word really should be "childrenerated" since it's kids that really fucking mess shit up. Although kids don't mess up the important stuff, so I suppose the word can stand. Fucking adults and their selfish desires for power and need to prove to their fathers that they aren't wussy baby nobodies that aren't worth any hugs or bedtime kisses!

Finding out about Bruce's new help will have to wait because the story decides to change dates and locations so that we're now back to Batman, Jim, and Lucius's attempt to storm Riddler's headquarters. Or their attempt to fall directly into The Riddler's trap.

Success!

Do I even need to mention that Batman escapes? Not only is this story from Batman's past but, you know, it's the Jeezly Crow Batman! And not only does he escape but he rides one of The Riddler's flying machine gun robots back to where Lucius is hiding out just in time to save Lucius from being killed! He's terrific. Just marvelous! What a bat!

Although Jim Gordon and his band of hit-eaters are still patrolling The Riddler's sewers, so I figure a bunch of them are going to die in a few pages.

In the meantime, Batman figures out The Riddler's plan but he's still not sure where The Riddler's holed up. He has a guess but I don't have a guess because he's not showing me the pattern of The Riddler's electronic pings. My guess, although it seems way too obvious, is that the pattern is a question mark and The Riddler is holed up in the dot. Batman heads after him leaving Lucius and Gordon to somehow stop the air strike that will be hitting the city in forty minutes.

I don't know what destroying the city will do for The Riddler. I suppose all he really wants is for people to respect his intelligence. And if an entire city has to die so that other cities will say "Boy, Eddie, you sure are smart!" then by god that's what has to happen!

If Batman's "ONE CHANCE!" doesn't pay off, he decides to leave a message for Alfred.

Sexual harassment! Oh wait. Alfred doesn't work for Bruce anymore. I guess it's okay then.

Batman discovers The Riddler has been using the Egyptian wing of the museum as his headquarters. Because Edward is the Sphinx asking the riddles. And now all Batman has to do is break about two dozen of his bones to get him to give up control of the city. Although this is young, idealistic Batman. So he probably thinks he can talk his way out of this one. Another good reason for talking is that The Riddler might blow everything up if Batman lays a hand on him.

The Riddler has been one step ahead of Batman throughout this entire story and this final encounter isn't any different. He expected Batman to eventually find him and so he set up one last game to play. Batman will now have to walk the Seteh game board and win the day by answering riddles. Unless I'm misremembering how the game is played. Probably not though since Batman's adversary is called The Riddler!

Batman #32 Rating: No change. Zero Year has gone on for quite some time now and I'm ready for it to be over. Although I'm really enjoying the actual game between Batman and The Riddler now that's it's finally been set up. The problem is that Zero Year was not actually a Riddler story. It had several chapters detailing several different aspects of Bruce Wayne's early transformation into The Batman. But it was touted as a Riddler story from the beginning, so it's really felt extra long being that it took so long to get to the meat of the conflict. I've really enjoyed the story even if I complain sometimes about it dragging on. Here's the main reason I feel it's dragging though: I like shorter Batman stories mainly because I like seeing which crazy villain he's going to encounter next. So when he basically encounters one or two villains over an entire year, I feel cheated! And Detective Comics wasn't helping with all of that Man-bat crap going on!

Batman #31

I see the Batman creative team finally decided to get off their asses and put a picture on the cover.

With nearly eight issues of Batman Eternal between this issue and the last Batman issue, I'd forgotten that The Riddler was trying to take part in an epic tale. Do I even care about this story anymore? Do I care about Batman?! I think I have Batman Diabetes! I can't feel my feet!

Batman has learned that The Riddler will walk away from Gotham if any citizen can ask a riddle that he can't answer. I've got one that Batman should ask him! Batman should walk up to The Riddler's Riddle Asking Square and say, "What did your mother say when I fucked her in the ass?" The answer is "The same thing as your father!" Even if The Riddler knows the answer to that riddle, he'd have to answer, "The same thing as my father!" And then every citizen in Gotham will laugh their asses off at Batman's sexual humiliation of The Riddler through the defilement of his parents' butts! The Riddler will be seen as a laughingstock and the citizens will rise up and overthrow him! Only afterward, when everybody is celebrating and excited to be safe and free again, will people begin to question the appropriateness of Batman's riddle. Did he just save Gotham with a rape joke? Some will act offended and some will act disgusted and some will blatantly state that Batman is an asshole. But they'll have the freedom to call Batman an asshole and Batman won't give a fuck about his reputation! He only cares that everybody is free! Also that he makes a billion dollars on cleaning up the vegetation with his new company "Wayne Gardening and Yard Debris Pick-up."

But for now, it looks like Lucius Fox is going to challenge The Riddler!

"What is that circle of fire?" That's your riddle, Lucius? I don't think you can ask a riddle with more than one answer and then insist the answer is not whatever The Riddler answers. He's the master riddle maker! He already knows that trick!

Batman has come up with a conclusion. His conclusion is that The Riddler is a big stupid cheat and that the Riddle Game is a smokescreen. It's that bit about giving people a little bit of hope so that their suffering is far grander. Maybe. Maybe he just pointed out that it would be easier to find The Riddler and punch him in the face than to ask a riddle he can't answer.

Batman's plan is to trace The Riddler's feed when he appears to answer a riddle. Batman will be the bait pretending to ask a riddle while Lucius and Gordon do all the other fiddly work needed to trace the signal. The trace will take ten minutes so Batman is going to have to think up a riddle much longer than the one I thought up for him.

Riddle me this, Batman! What has two wheels and flies?! A shitcycle!

Maybe to keep The Riddler talking, Batman will ask him why the chicken crossed the road. Then Edward might have to obsessively think up every answer to that riddle he's ever heard and even make a few answers up just in case. That should leave his feed open long enough to track back to his location.

Or else he'll just ask him, "Who the fuck am I?" That might keep him interested!

Batman's question has a little bit of the humiliation I suggested in my fucking Ed's parents riddle and a little bit of the who is Batman too. But it's mostly, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Edward?" I also think maybe my feelings are hurt, Batman!

Edward doesn't even come close to figuring out Batman but it doesn't matter. He still drops Batman in the trap where Batman has to fight lions. But Batman also knows he can keep Edward on the line to comment on the spectacle. What good is watching Batman torn apart by lions if you can't Rifftrax over the entire thing?

Batman takes his time defeating the lions so that Edward's signal can be traced. And then Batman asks a really stupid riddle. He asks, "Is that all you've got?" I expect that riddle from Superman but not Batman! The answer to that riddle is almost always, "Why no, sir, it is not all that I have got." The Riddler answers this one correctly, of course, and tries to drop dozens of cars on Batman's head. But Commissioner Gordon saves his ass by offering an escape route out of the Lion's Study. I think the lions die though. Batman can't save everybody!

And then the final page tells me that there are only two issues left of Zero Year! Hooray! Although this issue was exceptionally good. Probably because it's finally gotten around to the confrontation.

Batman #31 Rating: No change. This issue was exceptionally good because it has finally gotten around to the confrontation. See? I was correct about why it was better than it has been lately! Master Comic Book Reader!

Batman #29

Riddle me this, Batman: What has more bones than a theater full of priests watching Oliver Twist and rhymes with Tossuary?

Last issue was apparently an advance copy of Batman Eternal #28, so let me try this again:

Last (regular) issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

You know, if I spent more time writing fictional stories based on the shit I come up with to poke fun at DC Comics, I might have an actual writing career! Bah, fuck writing careers! I'm no sellout! I'm punk rock, baby! If you redefine punk rock to mean a movement characterized by individual freedom and a lack of respect for established authority! Oh wait! I am punk rock!

Riddle me this, Batman: Why do people still think punk rock groups exist just because they borrow some of the same sounds and sing about sticking up their middle finger at the suburbs?

Batman's reaction to reading any article by a so-called music critic. How many different names are they going to come up with for musical genres?! Stop expressing how unique a band is by labeling them with as many pseudo-genres as possible! "Cryptic Toadstool is this year's triumphant blend of post-punk hillbilly death-camp psychotronic synthmonster butter-topped Otter pop."

Batman is off to answer The Riddler's Riddle that I've forgotten. I think it had something to do with the city's bowels and the city's immune system and the city's belly button. I think the city's belly button is Wayne Tower, so Batman is sending James Gordon there to pick out the lint.

Meanwhile Batman is heading off to deal with the immune system. I think.

Riddle me his, Batman: If a comic book company is going to self-censor "Goddamned," why don't they just replace it with Jeezly Crow? "It's the Jeezly Crow Batman!" I'm in!

Batman and Alfred just happen to have a conversation a few pages in which finally explain everything! Good thing because I suck at riddles! I mean, I'm so good at riddles that I always come up with too many answers that fit the parameters! So I'm so good at riddles that I suck at riddles! Whew. That was a close one! I almost admitted to being stupid!

Here's the gism of the story: The Riddler stole a bunch of hacking technology that will allow him to take control of the city. He's shoved it all into a weather balloon to float above the super storm where nobody will be able to get to it and shut it off. Nobody except The Jeezly Crow Batman!

Batman makes it to the weather balloon by jumping through the redesigned cover of Frank Miller's The Dark Knight only to find Mr. Bonerman already on board the weather balloon acting as sentry and/or bridge troll.

Riddle me this, Batman: When is an arid dell not an arid dell? When it's a red oracle quest chin!

Have you gotten a good look at yourself, Mr. Bonerman? Nobody is going to want to be saved by your work. Most people like being able to close their mouths without stabbing themselves in the eyeballs with their teeth.

Batman is as skeptical about Mr. Bonerman's work as I am. Call us judgmental, shallow bastards if you must. But it just doesn't seem like a serum that turns bone production on overdrive the way cancer does is a fix to any problem except the problem of not having bone cancer.

Batman loses his jammer over the side of the weather balloon which means he has no easy way to stop The Riddler's plan. Mr. Bonerman chooses that moment to be a sarcastic bitch which might possibly go down as the worst choice of his life. Even worse than injecting himself with Super Bone Cancer. You just don't mock the Jeezly Crow Batman when he's already feeling low.

Oh yeah, Mr. Bonerman! It looks like you've solved nature's problem with healing too slowly! "Hey mom! I've got a cut on my finger!" "Well, son! Try some of Mr. Bonerman's Patented Heal Qwik Product!" "Gee, thanks! I've always wanted my finger to grow five feet too long in a big, rickety bone mass of nastiness!"

Mr. Bonerman explains the opening scene in that issue where a lounge singer was singing Tokyo Moon to a soldier. It's a long winded explication of the song and his family's history and how it all ties in to Bruce Wayne and seems like a crazy thing to bring up during this battle. But the essential bit is that Mr. Bonerman believes the song is about looking up at a white circle of light in the sky and realizing nobody is going to actually help you. So, you see, that's exactly the opposite of what Batman's soon-to-be white circle in the sky means! It all makes sense now! Thanks, Mr. Bonerman!

Riddle me this, Batman: Why is everyone telling their Bruce Wayne stories to you?

The issue ends with Batman failing to stop The Riddler from taking control of the city. He destroys the retaining walls around Gotham Bay and floods the city. Bruce's parents get killed yet again in another flashback because they just can't get any peace. And little Bruce learns that he needs help. Although he's also learned that he can fight cannons with swords, so that'll help him out later in life.

Batman #29 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now we're back into the thick of it! And we get to see how wrong Mr. Bonerman was in his estimation of Bruce Wayne. Although we already knew that, really. Bruce Wayne looked like he fled the disaster that was Gotham but he was really going around the world seeking help from those that could make him the best protector of the downtrodden that he could be. Plus he always has Alfred to help him out. And Batman may seem like a lone wolf but he gets lots of help from lots of people! Unless the only person that really matters (besides Alfred which should have gone without saying but I'm saying it before other people point out that I didn't say it) is Lucius Fox and his ability to make wonderful toys. But now Batman is learning that he needs Gordon's help as well! So I guess I forgot about Gordon! He probably needs Dick too.

Batman #28

Is Batman Eternal going to be stories about the Legacy Batmans that take over after Bruce Wayne? Like that one in that big fat expensive issue of Detective Comics?

Last issue ended with The Riddler flooding his old lab to destroy all of the evidence of his next big crime. Drowning Batman was probably just an incidental mishap about which Edward probably feels really guilty. That means this issue will probably begin in Czechoslovakia in 1935 as a railway worker walks down the track shooting feral dogs with an old German pistol from the Great War.

No, it actually starts with Harper being hassled by Gotham Cops (possibly) in riot gear. I'm sure she deserves it because look at her asymmetric haircut and all of her face piercings! Definitely up to no good. If she doesn't think she needs to show her respect for society by looking like a law abiding citizen, then what other things is she disrespecting? I bet she shoplifts! And has premarital sex with people of different races! I bet she's never once stepped foot in a church except to blaspheme Christ! This piece of trouble has Ouija Board written all over her! But at least she doesn't have a tattoo on her neck, so she probably doesn't murder children.

The police long to beat her but she says some secret spy phrase about Gotham making the bees get on their knees or something and instead of putting her in the hospital like a couple of good bad cops, they escort her to a fancy party.

You can't tell from this scan but there's a big fancy dress party taking place in a cave with giant cat statues on the other page.

I should probably mention that this story does not take place in the "NOW" time but in the "SOON" time! It's also called "Gotham Eternal."

Turns out Harper is working with Batman to infiltrate this place. And Batman is working with a woman back at the Batcave doing Alfred's job. So genius that I am, it's beginning to dawn on me that this story does not take place six years ago at all! It may as well have been about a Czechoslovakian gunning down wild dogs for as much as either of them have to do with The Riddler story that had been taking place.

Batman and Harper break a few skulls together. Batman is surprised to see that Harper has been training instead of being a good civilian character that screws with the electrical grid and she points out, in a round about way, that Batman's sidekicks have been training her. So Batman has sidekicks now! And by now I mean soon! I hope he has about a dozen of them. Eventually the owner of the club grows tired of Batman and Harper raising her insurance premiums and she steps out of the shadows to reveal herself in the biggest non-surprise of the year!

I mean, really. Giant cat statues? Although I guess it could have been King Tut but fuck him! Whenever I stumble upon an old episode of The Batman television series and the villain is King Tut, I lose my chubby immediately.

Catwoman has taken over the Gotham Underworld and now controls the city. She's more powerful than Batman or The Court of Owls or Bane in his wet dreams. Selina gets Batman down on his knees and says she'll give him some vaginafor. And Batman says, "What's a vagina for?" And Selina goes, "I thought you'd never ask!" Oral sex ensues.

Or this happens. Take your pick.

Batman tells Harper to lay off his ex-fuck buddy but he calls Harper "Bluebird" as he does it. So I guess Harper becomes one of Batman's sidekicks! Perhaps Carrie Kelley is the other sidekick back at the Bat-cave. And apparently Batman is not encouraging Harper to seek out physical combat training from Carrie (or Robin (or whatever name she'll take)).

Meanwhile the reason that Batman has sought out Selina's help to stop whatever outbreak is taking place above ground is revealed: Stephanie Brown, aka Spoiler. She seems to know how to stop whatever is going on. And that's it for that story which will be continued in Batman Eternal #1.

Batman #28 Rating: -3 Ranking. I don't care if this was an entertaining story or not (it was!). But this issue was basically Batman Eternal #0. So fuck you and your marketing bullshit, DC. This might as well have just been Batman Eternal #1, you thoroughly ravished glory holes. But instead, you shove it into a book that's in the middle of a very long story arc which is selling very well in the hopes of getting people excited about your stupid weekly series that already has Batman in the title anyway so why would you be worried about it not being picked up? Why did I just pay $3.99 for an advertisement of Batman Eternal in Batman? Sure, I get that it really isn't much difference. I would have picked up Batman Eternal #1 alongside Batman #28 anyway. You'd have gotten my money either way. But fuck you for delaying The Riddler story in the middle of the arc. I'm especially angry at you for forcing me to be fake angry at something so fucking inconsequential as having been forced to read a Batman story in a Batman comic book! Jerks!

Batman #27

If only this were the actual Batman.

Commissioner Gordon: "Batman! We need your help! The Joker was seen gassing strangers at the downtown cineplex!"
Batman: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Batman? Batman? Downtown! Danger! Evil! Help!"
Batman: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKKKKKKKKK!"
Commissioner Gordon: "Hey, um, Harvey? Do you, by chance, have you the number of Batwoman? Batgirl? Robin? I'll take a Robin at this point!"

This issue begins in Tokyo in 1946, of course. Why the fuck not?! Has anybody checked on Scott Snyder lately? Who's turning in his scripts? Does he have a habit of getting blackout drunk? Does he even fucking remember that he was busy with a Riddler story? I guess The Riddler is like caulk. He's just filling in the gaps between The Red Hood and the Doctor Boner stories. And now maybe he's starting a new story over in Japan.

Is she making a Bat Signal or an Owl Signal?!

Maybe Snyder didn't like that, in his $3.99 book, he has to write two pages more than the other lazy writers at DC so he decided to fill them with stories that don't make any fucking sense! Last issue, it was some secret hidden base in the desert with giant Ben Wa Balls that house prisoners. This time, it's a foxy lady singing to American GIs overseas. Oh, I'm sure it'll all make sense at some point. If it is indeed Snyder still writing this comic book!

Seriously. Has anybody spoken to him face to face recently? I'm worried.

After the detour through Tokyo, the comic begins where the last one left off. The police are shooting the shit out of Batman and they know all of his getaway tactics. He can't get Alfred on the radio and he's desperate to find a way to retreat. He manages to blast his way out to sea underwater using an air tank with the nozzle knocked off. And that's where he meets the guy that's going to become a pretty good friend. Eventually. And lover. Probably eventually.

Jimbo Gordon!

Batman was shot at and nearly blown up so many times in the last few pages that my suspension of disbelief short-circuited. So now I'm left with rationalizing how he survived this set-up by the Gotham Police and I can only come to one conclusion. He did not survive. He was killed and his body floated out to see where Gordon, now insane from the long hours and the criminals use of strange gases and having to deal with nearly complete corruption in the force, pulls Batman's lifeless body onto his boat while hallucinating that Batman is still alive. In other words, Batman died six years ago and Batman is Commissioner Gordon's Tyler Durden. Bruce Wayne still exists because, after months had passed and Bruce failed to come home, Alfred knew he was finally, truly gone. So he found a homeless man that looked like Bruce Wayne, cleaned him up, and tells him what to do for a nice weekly salary. Alfred figured as long as people thought Bruce was still alive, the paychecks would continue to clear. Especially now that Bruce had seen fit to give him a 10,000% raise.

As Gordon drives Batman's corpse back to the shore, he tells it about when he first met Bruce Wayne. It's the perfect story to pass the time because it's the coat that Gordon received that day which led Bruce to think Gordon couldn't be trusted years later. Of course, Gordon probably keeps the coat as a reminder to stay warm and dry.

Gordon finds what you'd expect to find: clothing, cops, and dog fighting.

As Gordon finishes his story, he turns around to find that Batman's corpse has fallen out of the boat. Gordon believes he somehow stealthily disappeared which is why Gordon always thinks Batman suddenly appears and disappears when he's really just a fucking figment of his imagination.

Back at the Batcave, Alfred lays a theory on Bruce that Bruce doesn't want any help from anybody because he's angry with them all and he's punishing them by making them watch him save everybody and nearly die every night. But I don't know how to keep up the ruse that Batman is dead when describing this scene or scanning it so now I'm angry at it. How dare it ruin my fun? Why wasn't somebody there to stop it from ruining my fun? Why couldn't Scott Snyder write it in such an ambiguous way that I could continue to live out my Batman is Dead ruse? I'm so angry. I'm going to punish my comic book. I'm going to make it watch as I masturbate every night, dangerously and angrily and out of vengeance and darkness!

Oh! Also, Alfred explains what was happening out in the desert with Bruce Wayne inside the giant Ben Wa Balls! Bruce Wayne had been sighted and Uncle Phil was sending mercenaries to pick him up. So Alfred spent all of his money out of his Secret Tin to hire a courier to get a phone to Bruce Wayne so that Alfred could warn him that somebody was coming to drag him back to Gotham and force him to become a boring fucking business man. So that's what that was all about. I still don't know what was going on with the singer in Tokyo and the American G.I.

Batman has a hunch he knows where Doctor Boner's hideout is located, so he heads to some Catacombs and finds a lab. But instead of finding Doctor Boner's big plan, he finds The Riddler's big plan which is just a bigger plan on top of Doctor Boner's big plan since Doctor Boner is working for Edward Nygma.

I'm finding making dick jokes about Scott Snyder's Batman is difficult. Notice I didn't say hard? That would have been inappropriate to the gravitas of this comic book. What is gravitas? Is that like gravy?

The Riddler floods the lab and believes that The Batman has drowned because this is the first time The Riddler has ever attempted to kill Batman. He'll know better next time (and even more better the time after that!) that The Batman is not an easy person to kill. And maybe he'll make his riddles a little extra harder because of it. But at least The Riddler left a few more clues so that Batman can stop his major plan which is some kind of Doomsday Machine in Three Parts. The Riddler's clues are "Gotham's Bones" which might mean its foundation and/or its penis, "Gotham's Blood" which probably means the electrical system, and "Gotham's Bowels" which is obviously the sewers.

Batman #27 Rating: No change. The Next Month Blurb mentions a glimpse into the future of Batman Eternal. DC, your Weekly Comics had better count as four each out of the fifty-two or else I'm going to have to begin making some cutbacks. Um, also, Batman was pretty good but I still wish I were reading the entire story at one time.

Batman #26

Idiot. Owls stand on finger bones. Bats hang from them.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne was stabbed in the neck with a syringe by Lucius Fox because Lucius isn't a good friend. Or else maybe there are other reasons, super secret comic book reasons, why Lucius knocked out Bruce Wayne with Knock Out Juice. Maybe he was actually saving Bruce Wayne's life because he knew Dr. Death was lurking in the shadows. That's probably the most probable of all the reasons although it's still Zero Year in this comic book, so maybe Lucius Fox just doesn't really know Bruce Wayne that well. But I'm sure Fox was just helping in a really strange and inappropriate way.

Well, that explains that. Fox injected Wayne with a vaccine which has to be delivered in a solution of Ether and Ketamine. See? He was saving Bruce! And everybody thought Lucius Fox had gone evil! Well, I mean, nobody actually thought that at all so it was kind of a weird cliffhanger to end on. Sort of if Alfred had slipped some Rufies into Bruce's tea and the issue ended with Alfred undressing Bruce and leering. Everybody would immediately not think, "Oh my God! Alfred is going to rape Bruce!" They'd just think, "Hmm, Alfred must have a perfectly good reason for this and it's going to save Batman's life."

Doctor Death is super excited that Bruce Wayne dropped by because he has a great big secret to tell him about something that happened a long time ago! So it's probably either about Bruce's parents or Jesus. Also, Doctor Death probably should have taken a name more evocative of his powers like The Bone Man, or Titties Bonerificus, or The Fluffer. Personally I like The Fluffer.

Speaking of fluffers, did y'all know that Build-a-Bear Workshop has a station with a sign hanging over it that says, "Fluff Me"? A picture of me in my trench coat with my arms spread out like a Christ figure while standing under that sign was the original header picture for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. That was long before it became my New 52 Blog. Then it was just random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wanted to read. Now, it's random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wants to read but they slog through it anyway so they can stay current on DC's characters without having to give money to a company that doesn't give a shit about its fans. Also, I think some people read it for the occasional dick joke. They're all high-brow dick jokes, of course! I wouldn't debase myself with common or vulgar jokes about phalluses.

Some people might think my "Titties Bonerificus" joke is just low brow pablum but that's because they just don't understand how it's a call back to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus which is all about an impotent man just trying to get his boner back. Or maybe I was just thinking about Damian's dog and erections. Bruce Wayne was stripping off his belt at the time and I'm only fucking human.

Bruce manages to suck Doctor Death through a jet engine but it just isn't enough to keep The Bone Man down.

Doctor Bonertime should market this serum to gorillas to increase the size of the bone in their penis! How do you send spam email to gorillas?

Bruce's skull is almost crushed but he's saved by the Commissioner ex Machina. Mostly by the Commissioner ex Machina's gun. Seriously though. Where did Gordon come from? Is he following Bruce? I wouldn't blame him. Bruce has been acting pretty crazy since he's come back to Gotham.

Later, Gordon and Bruce have a rational discussion about the past and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. They both decide that maybe now isn't the right time to start a partnership and Bruce leaves Jim on amicable terms.

Okay, okay. What really happened is that Bruce flipped the fuck out, told Gordon to shove himself up his own asshole, and then walked out of the hospital with a fractured skull.

The issue ends with Batman being shot up by the Gotham Police at the scene of yet another boner inducing catastrophe.

Batman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. Seriously. What the fuck is up with this comic book right now? It just feels like not a lot is happening and I've just got next to nothing to say about it. Plus I really fucking dropped the ball and stopped paying attention to the page count on DC's $3.99 Comics at some point. This is the second time I've paid attention to it and instead of being 20 pages with an 8 page back-up feature, they've now become 22 pages with silky glossy covers. Fuck the gloss covers, bitches! Give me back my longer stories! I suppose all of the intrigue about Batman's past is interesting, like what the fuck is going on in the desert with Bruce Wayne locked in a big metal ball in some underground cavern while he receives a phone call from his long dead father? But it would be more interesting if I were reading this story arc all in one sitting instead of having to get these tiny little tantalizing moments from month to month so that I'll completely forget how they all fit together by the time they make any sense.

Anyway, -1 Ranking doesn't mean it's a fucking bad comic book. It just means it's not doing the shit that needs to be done to me to retain the top two spot overall. Where's the butt play? The nipple sucking? Why isn't it trying to get its tongue straight up my urethra? Come on, Batman! Let's get this party going!

Scarecrow #1

Those must be self-hating Crows to be working with the Scarecrow.

I'm going to start with something that has nothing to do with anything because I've had this quote in an open notepad note for about a week now. And every time I want to open an old notepad file, I have to copy it before opening the file. Then I paste it back in to notepad after I'm done with the old file. Mostly because I don't need to save this quote for any reason but I did want to talk about it. So now I'm talking about it!

This is from the comment section from the CRPG Addict's blog after he wrote about why he likes crossword puzzles rather than sudoku:

When you get to Might & Magic's Xeen series, you will get your crossword puzzle in one of the dungeons. Of course, I forget if it is in Clouds or Darkside at the moment :) When you complete it, be ready for an "Interesting" reward.

It's comments like these that boggle my trying-to-live-a-spoiler-free-life mind. I know the commenter is just trying to connect and engage in dialogue. But the need to ruin even the surprise of a crossword puzzle being encountered in an RPG hurts my non-existent soul. It's a well-meaning comment but ruins so much of what makes discovery enjoyable. And to top it all off, he adds the "be ready" part of it. It's like going to see Empire Strikes Back and somebody saying, "Hey, you like twists? Be ready for a good one about Luke's father near the end!" Actually, it's really just like every movie trailer that says, "You won't believe the shocking twist ending!" Great. Now that you told me there was a twist, I'll have it figured out in the first ten fucking minutes. Assholes.

I know I'm being overly sensitive to this shit. But it's a truly ruinous comment in innocuous clothing, so I felt I needed to say something to somebody. You were the lucky somebody!

I don't know yet who's writing this issue but the "self-delusion is underrated" is a pretty fucking accurate statement. Ignorance is bliss for the person bathed in ignorance. Obviously if fucking sucks for everybody who has to put up with that asshole. But sentience is definitely a curse.

I recently mentioned how I don't go in for that whole "dissatisfaction with getting all you ever wanted" crap. I'm more of the Willy Wonka type and the living happily ever after once you've gotten everything you ever dreamed of. It's too fucking American to always want more and to think ambition has no ceiling. It's a travesty to teach people that they must continually grow or need more. Don't you know that happiness is being happy your needs satisfied? If you're dissatisfied with getting everything you've always wanted, you obviously have yet to get everything you've always wanted!

On the next page, I see Peter J. Tomasi is writing. That's a good thing because I really liked some of the shit coming out of the Scarecrow's mouth here and I didn't want to accidentally praise a writer I can't stand! That would have been embarrassing! I already feel like I failed my readership by liking Tom DeFalco's Shadow Thief story and actually giving a thumb's up to H'el's origin!

There sure are a lot of words in this comic book!

The panel above made me happy. Sometimes things just make me giddy and make me smile and make me love comic books. I love the idea of the lunatics of Arkham splitting up Gotham under the auspices of The Penguin. Sure, there's no way this peace can last. But I'm sure they'll all have fun trying to pretend for a day or two. And then Bane will think, "Why the fuck am I not kicking Cobblepot's ass?" And Poison Ivy will need another few acres to grow some gigantic Venus Flytraps on. And Mr. Freeze will accidentally flood Zsasz's killing fields as his ice melts in the noon day sun. Except there is no sun because the eclipse has eclipsed the entire world in the way comic book eclipses do. But the ice will melt anyway because Gotham City really isn't that fucking cold.

The Scarecrow is visiting all the districts to spread some gossip that will, hopefully, cause fear in the people that hear it. The news is about Blackgate Prison so I hope the news is that Emperor Blackgate is going to try to take over The Penguin's job. Again!

According to The Scarecrow, I must be insane.

I don't really think of dealing with the world as it is or as I think it should be. I just deal with my life as I want to live it and fuck all to what anybody else thinks.

Apparently "Would-Be World Conqueror" is still a regular occupation in The New 52.

The Scarecrow wanders about Gotham discussing the New World Order and how his peers fit into it with his new buddy Hudson, a guard from Arkham. As I said before, there are a lot of words. It's a very dense comic book as Scarecrow wanders about psychoanalyzing everything. And it's pretty fucking entertaining shit. Example time!

Hamlet: "Veggie or Meat-lovers? That is the question. Whether tis nobler to the stomach to suffer the pangs and bloating of Little Caeser's or link arms and forgive the shitty policies by patronizing Papa Johns?"

The Scarecrow visits The Riddler next who, like Mr. Freeze, declares that he's not crazy like all of the others. But unlike Mr. Freeze, he declares that he will remain neutral in any upcoming battles because he has everything he wants. But he does mention "bane" in a Riddler sort of way, so it's possible he already knows something is brewing and Bane is at the heart of it. Or I'm just acting paranoid trying to make sense of all of the crazy crap The Riddler says.

While The Scarecrow is looking for Poison Ivy, Hudson's cousin from Blackgate that he tried to kill attacks them.

And he's pumped up full of Venom! Looks like The Riddler was dropping a hint about Bane.

I forget what all the Forever Evil tie-ins are going to be but it seems like this is building up to some kind of Forever Evil Gotham War. I know there's an Arkham one and a Rogue's one. This must be the lead-in to the Arkham War or whatever it's called.

Killer Croc shows up long enough to put down the Venomized guard and then disappears back into his turf: the sewers. Although the Sewers now has to contend with Ann Nocenti's fantasy realm, Under-Gotham. I supposed I should get some of that in the Joker's Daughter issue later. And more Croc stuff in the Killer Croc issue. And Bane's plan over in the Bane issue. I think Gotham City has more escaped lunatics per capita than anywhere else in the world. Even Los Angeles!

The Scarecrow finishes his rounds and kills off Hudson because Hudson was just standing in as The Scarecrow's therapist. And The Scarecrow doesn't need him any more because he's talked through all of his problems and he's ready to take over Gotham. Just like, I'm sure, every other inmate is ready to do as well. Like I said: none of them are actually going to be happy with their tiny parcel of Gotham.

Scarcrow #1 Rating: This issue was really quite entertaining even if it was merely a prologue to Akrham War. I really hate writing this last paragraph where I sum up my thoughts on an issue because reviewing these things isn't really my intention here. So let me just end with one more piece of good advice from The Scarecrow instead of a coherent rating:

Just don't be a dick about it.

Riddler #1

What a smarmy bastard.

What's brown and sticky?
Wrong. A turd covered in semen.

I don't really know any riddles except really stupid shit like, "What two letters cause a car to stop running?" "M T!" Holy shit, that was bad. But I was one of those jerky kids that bought joke books during the school book drive instead of actual books to read. Not that I wasn't reading books! I read a lot of shit. But I always bought dumb joke books or books with paper cut outs that you would fold up to create wacky monsters. Since I don't know many riddles, I'll tell one of my favorite jokes three ways.

First and Regular Way:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a John Smith?"

Second and Better Way:
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a Tom Collins?"

Third and Super Hero Way:
Batman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you!" Batman replies, "Really? You've got a drink called a Bruce Wayne? OH FUCK!"

I also really like the joke about Jesus being able to see Peter's house from here.

Surprise! The Riddler begins this issue with some riddles.

Here are my answers: Panel One: Me. Panel Two: Microsoft. Panel Three: Helena from Boxing Helena with five broke-ass broke assistants. Panel Four: The sock that wasn't jerked off into the previous night. Panel Five: My mom.

I'm pretty confident in my answers although I'm wondering how The Riddler knows my mother.

The Riddler is currently causing chaos during Ultraman's Eclipso causing prank so that he can infiltrate Wayne Enterprises Tower. As he swipes his specialized tricked-out security card to get past security, he says that the answer to his first riddle was "a card." Well, sure! If you wanted to choose the easy answer that wasn't about me! Anyway, time for a riddle of my own!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walking into the bar across the street and wanted to see the punchline.

Bruce Wayne allows his security to use guns?

Security attempts to apprehend the Riddler but fails to do so when the Riddler offers up the answer to his second riddle. That answer is "electricity" while I answered "Microsoft." I'm going to give myself that one since it's pretty close! While I'm at it, I'm going to give myself a point for the first one because I am a card!

Here's another riddle!

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two but I don't know how they got in there.

My fingers have an issue with being thought of as the "servants" of the hand. Fuck it, they barely have anything to do with the palm. Bitch ass lazy shit. What is it good for? Clapping? Slapping? Rubbing the sha...oh yeah. It's important.

After Edward's first three riddles, his entire plan is going pretty smoothly. He's completely under control and looking dapper. He smoothly goes from one speed bump to the next, having everything planned out to the second. Calm and cool. He's got everything under control so you have to wonder why would he wind up in Arkham Asylum every time he's captured?

Oh yeah. That's why. That's some motherfucking psycho Blue Velvet shit right there.

I'm glad this scene is in here so that we can see how quickly the Riddler loses it when somebody fucks up his well-laid out, precise plans. Also when somebody touches him, I suppose. It's one of my favorite scenes so far in Villains Month although it doesn't quite beat out the final moments on Krypton between Zor-el and Alura in Cyborg Superman #1.

The Riddler needs to take a time out and do some breathing exercises to restore his calm. He's interrupted by an old acquaintance: an Arkham security guard from years ago that now runs security in Wayne Tower.

After seeing that last display, it wouldn't surprise me if George were the reason The Riddler were here to get even for stealing his cards in Arkham.

The Riddler repeats his riddle as he fights George although after reading the Riddler's Who's Who entry and his fighting abilities, my money is on George in a hand-to-hand encounter! But the Riddler has a literal trick up his sleeve! Drink! I said, "Literal!" Oh! Drink again! Anyway, the trick is an explosive dart and it helps answer the fourth riddle!

This riddle was unfair although we did get to meet George's right arm for a brief panel early on. Still, I think without knowing enough about George, I'm going to say my sock answer was good enough!

I'm beginning to think that "My mom" is not going to be the answer to the final riddle. Maybe the answer is The Joker!

The Riddler climbs to the top of Wayne Tower and continues with his game of solitaire that George interrupted four years ago. As the Riddler says, he's just killing time until Batman gets back. And solitaire is just about the perfect metaphor for killing time. Plus the entire issue is a game of solitaire as the Riddler matches wits with nobody. He simply invades a building that's nearly impossible to break into, fucks around a bit, and climbs to the roof to waste some time.

The Riddler #1 Rating: This one probably ranks in the top ten somewhere. The best part of his issue was when Ray Fawkes' name was spelled wrong in the credits. Ha ha! Good job, DC Comics! Oh, some other stuff was really good too! But the last thing I was confused by was the "To Be Continued in Batman #25." What about issue #24? What's happening in that issue? Will it be a one shot about Titus, Alfred the cat, and Batcow? Or does the comic just mean that the Riddler's card game will be continued in Issue #25?