Wednesday, September 30, 2015

We Are Robin #4

"Dear Diary. Where the fridge did all of these Garsh-Danged Robins come from?!"

I thought the Gotham skyline was crowded with Bat-family members before. Now the entire thing is awash in Robins! Fat Robins! Gray Robins! Sexually non-threatening Robins! Cool wait. Those don't exist yet. Anyway, there are a shitboat of Robins!

I'm thinking about upgrading from a Tracphone Burner to an iPhone 6s so that I have something to talk about every commentary. Jesus Christ people with iPhones. There are other things in the world to Tweet about other then how much your phone is the best thing in the world (while occasionally throwing in seriously minor quibbles to show that you're not just a FanGender) and how Androids are Satan's erect phallus (that's supposed to be a bad thing for those of you thinking, "Oooh! Why don't I have one of those?!").

I've really been slacking on reading comic books this week. That's because I've been busy doing nothing and sometimes doing more nothing than that. I watched an existentialist horror movie last night called Don't Blink. It's all about how we're all going to die and be forgotten and there's nothing we can do to stop it so we should probably pray to God or write messages on the inside of the cabinets below the sink to prove to somebody that we were here or build magnificent statues in the sand proclaiming our great deeds or drink or play strip poker or also not drink if that's what we want to not do as well. Unless the point was that all of those things are just a waste of time? Maybe the point was that they're all equal because none of them matter when all is said and done (especially the eternity part of all). I spent most of the movie thinking, "Man. I forgot all about Brian Austin Green!" Occasionally I thought to myself, "That's the brother with angry face from Titus, right?" And then I'd think, "Oh yeah! That's the non-attractive attractive woman from Wilfred! I knew I recognized that weird butt, disappearing chin, and smidgen too large forehead!"

This issue is called "Role Model" because Batgirl is practically a model of shipping Rabbits and Voles.

I like when the title of the issue is given at the beginning of the issue so that I can think about how it relates to the theme of the story. I hate when it's given at the end like the title is some kind of surprise punctuation that's supposed to give me some kind of boner. Usually it's an angry boner.

Troy Walker, one of the few Robins whose name I could remember because I would just think about my first football crush Troy Aikman and I'd remember his name. I meant my sister's first football crush. Don't quote the "my first crush" part without also including the correction that it was my sister's first crush because that would be poor and misleading journalism. And you can't claim the integrity and dignity of your position as a journalist if you're goal is to make money and get eyeballs with misleading quotes rather than reporting, as closely as possible, the truth of a situation. In other words, if you want to be a journalist, don't be like any of them you see on television at all. Or any you read on the internet. Or any you read in a newspaper. They're all whores.

You can believe everything I say about the comics I read though because I'm not a whore. Now if anybody was willing to give me a lot of money to say nice things about their comic books (*ahem*ScottLobdell*ahem*), I will get new business cards which read "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. Comic Book Reviewer Slash Whore!" on them. Try to remember that the "slash" means the punctuation mark and not that I'm into whoring it up with my penis touching other penises. Unless the money is good. Okay fine. Read the "Slash Whore" part any way you want!

The current news in Gotham proves the point that news agencies are terrible. If you have the nerve to point to comic book fiction as proof of the real world so you can say, "See? Argument valid!" Which I totally can do and will do all the time. What am I supposed to do? Actually read an issue of Time magazine to find proof of incompetence? I can just do a Google Image Search for covers of Time to prove that without having to even read any of their articles. Their covers are as clickbaity as Buzzfeed or Slade or Comic Book Resources.

Actual News: "A thing happened so we asked a bunch of random people their opinions on the thing and are now reporting all of the opinions as equal and valid! Enjoy being angry at some of them!"

Riko is one of the Robin's and she gets a little alone time this issue. First she's sitting in class talking to pretend Batgirl. Unless she's sitting in a vintage desk warehouse speaking with Batgirl because that is the weirdest fucking classroom I've ever seen. It's so strange that I can't articulate how strange it is. There's too much space and yet not enough space? The desks themselves are way too big and one kid in stripes is lying dead on his desk. Riko seems to think she's in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band but I completely approve of her shoes and wish I had a pair just like them.

Men's size 10 or 10 1/2. Message me for mailing address.

Riko is currently reading Lord of the Flies which probably means something if I'd only bothered to read it. But I'm a Writer! Reading is for lazy people who want to think they're better than people who watch television but they're all the same thing! Writing is an active activity! Reading is passive and dumb! Unless you're reading comic books, I mean. Comic books are different for reasons too complex to explain to mere Readers like you.

Riko heads out to patrol because she agrees that reading is dumb and boring. Um, probably. She sees a fire and runs across the rooftops to yell at it. It's not like she has a belt full of Bat Paraphernalia for stopping fires. When she gets there, she finds a group of kids have set the fire in the hopes of luring a superhero so they can catch it on Periscope. See, they're like Readers and Riko is like a Writer. The Arson Kids want to impress other people but they don't want to take the time to do something impressive themselves. So instead they decide to live vicariously through Riko who's actually doing something exciting. Then the Arson Kids can impress everybody they know without having done anything except post a video of some other impressive person on their personal site. They're so boring!

Don't you dare try to turn my words back around on me and my comic book review site, you jerks! Because this site isn't about comic books at all! If you think that, you're thinking like a Reader! No wait! You're thinking like a Television Watcher!

Hey! Speaking of Television Watchers, who watched Heroes Reborn? My friend Xan and I watched it while texting each other and we have now decided that shows no longer Jump the Shark when they've run out of ideas. From now on, they Unsheathe the Katana. Holy shit I can't believe they're doing MMORPG commentary on the new Heroes! Also it's racist that the Japanese characters are the ones losing themselves in video games. I just hope the Boss Monster in Evernow is an octopus.

I feel like I can't complain about the part of this comic book I really want to complain about because I'll just wind up hurting my own feelings. Oh fuck it. Let's do this!

Now I can't even avoid Periscope when I don't even own a phone?! Fucking Lee Bermejo! Who actively uses the second tier function of Periscope? I get that people want to Periscope the things they're doing because God forbid anybody miss out on anything you're doing at any moment during the day. But who watches what you're doing while commenting on it?! Do they have no respect for their own lives? Do they have no dignity?! Who comments on other people's shit and then expects people to actively read the comments they're making (OW! OW! MY FEELINGS!)?! Because now that's a third tier use of Periscope! People who read the comments of the people watching the other person live their life! I can't help that I'm partly to blame for having enjoyed Beavis and Butthead and Mystery Science Theater 3000 and At the Movies so much.

My real problem with Commenting Culture is not that we, as a society, are entertained by people commenting on stuff but that most people who comment on things are complete morons that don't add anything insightful, humorous, or interesting to the experience. So now in We Are Robin, instead of reading Narration Boxes from the main character (which I already mostly dislike), I have to read a barrage of stupid fucking comments from a bunch of fictional idiots?!

Oh god. That last sentence of that last paragraph hurt my own feelings so badly that I almost began to cry!

I guess the loser sitting at home living vicariously through Periscopers at least get a little excitement in their lives this night because Riko isn't the only person in a costume to show up.

Personally, I don't like fighting girls. But wrestling with? Oh yeah!

After Batgirl puts the Arson Kids in their place, she and Riko have a little chat about choosing to be a superhero. I like how Batgirl isn't just a version of Batgirl making a guest appearance in this comic book. This is Batgirl straight out of the pages from her comic book where she recently chastised Frankie for trying to be too much of a superhero herself. Here she's realizing that she really didn't have the authority to make that decision for Frankie and she'll probably bring that revelation back to the pages of her own comic book. That's probably a reason to thank the editor of the Bat Books, Mark Doyle, right? Wrong! I never thank editors for anything! Jerkos! I bet they'd read those last few sentences and instead of feeling insulted, they'd just be all, "Jerks. It's jerks. Leave off the 'o' because it's just confusing." Jerkos! Jerkos! Jerkos!

See?! Batgirl's advice is to be the Writer and not the Reader!

We Are Robin #4 Rating: No change. This issue was about the Robins getting Batgirl's stamp of approval even though they still don't have Batman's. And instead of getting another insidious Alfred Going Crazy Epilogue, the book has a minor Who's Who of the Robins clan. That might help those people who aren't reading fifty comic books each month and can actually remember names. One other thing! Before you read this issue, you'd better read Lord of the Flies because it's mentioned and several images of Riko are paralleled with the book. It's probably the only way to really understand this issue although I don't know what it had to do with anything because from what I remember, Lord of the Flies was about all of the Universal Monsters being stranded on an island where they created a form of democratic government where only the person holding Frankenstein's head was allowed to speak. Although it was kind of bullshit since nobody could understand Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, or Mummy even when they had Frank's head. I think the book was constantly on the Banned Book List because of all the gay stuff that takes place a few weeks into being stranded on the island.

Monday, September 28, 2015

Grayson #12


It's been one year since DC began publishing their best comic book and, somehow, they've yet to cancel it! Good job, DC Comics! And people say, often and quite loudly, how you can't do anything right! Well you hold your chin up high on this one! Just ignore all that shit people are throwing at you for cancelling The Omega Men and keeping Eddie Berganza on staff to ruin all of the Superman and Wonder Woman books. Don't let them ruin this minor and fleeting moment of feeling proud of yourself! You earned it!

Okay, that's enough. Don't get cocky. Go fix all the broken shit now. How about getting Batwoman back in monthly form with the Marguerites on writing and drawing? How is that not a thing that everybody on staff hasn't already snapped their fingers and yelled "Eureka!" about?

Page one. Page fucking one and my eyes are tearing up. Forget about Dick Grayson and how well Tom King and Tim Seeley get him, how well they write this kid. They're putting everybody whose written Alfred since The New 52 to shame in seven panels! Granted, Alfred has had some great moments thanks to Tomasi and Snyder. I'm not going to compare their efforts with what Tim and Tom have done right out of the gate here. Obviously this portrayal of Alfred is better though because it's more recent and affecting me right this moment!

I am literally figuratively standing up and applauding right now.

Before I continue with what will probably break my heart, let me give a quick review of Under the Red Hood! I'll get to Jason Todd's portrayal in a moment but first I want to say how impressed I was with the overall script. And not just the script but the animation as well. One of my favorite parts was when Nightwing first appears to help Batman take down Amazo. It's incredible how much character work was done just in the difference of the way Batman and Nightwing move around the battlefield. As for Jason Todd, this movie nails the character. This was the best version of Red Hood I've seen (of course, I've really only read Lobdell's versions of him so that isn't a shock). But not only is it easily the best I've seen, it's how I feel he should be portrayed. This movie allowed me to see the Jason Todd Jason Todd fans have deluded themselves into believing Lobdell's Jason Todd still is. How can anybody at DC not watch this movie and realize that Scott Lobdell doesn't know the character at all and is completely fucking up some really interesting and dark stories about this kid? I'd love a Red Hood book based on Under the Red Hood Jason Todd. Come on, DC Comics! I told you to stop gloating about Grayson surviving a full year. Fix Red Hood already before I start whipping batteries at you!

Dick and Bruce have an awkward conversation. It's hard having a conversation with someone you truly love who doesn't remember who you are. I remember speaking with my grandmother on the phone near the end of her life after her memory had really started to go. She'd occasionally ask, "Who am I talking to?" And in an effort to make sure I was not sad, or that I was okay, after being told who I was, she would remind me that she loved me very much. I don't know if she had any real connection to that love or just understood that she probably once loved me or, having a moment of clarity, she actually experienced that love. I suppose it made very little difference. Even at the end when she wasn't all there, she was the kindest, most giving, sweetest person I ever knew.

Dick simply wants to know if Bruce is happy. Bruce doesn't know if he's happy but he mentions to Dick how, at certain times when things are still and quiet, he feels joy. I bet all Bruce is going to feel when he gets his memory back is anger that nobody slapped him in the face and screamed, "You're Batman, asshole! Get to fucking work!" Especially after he sees how sales have dropped on Batman with Commissioner Gordon over there ruining the franchise!

Bruce seems to remember the bat crashing through the window and changing his entire life because he mentions that those moments of joy when he hears tapping at the window are nice "as long as the window holds." Somewhere inside his head, he seems to know that his peace and happiness will last only as long as he stays out from under the shadow of the bat. Man, I can't wait until he's miserable again!

Dick and Bruce's conversation is interrupted by a Spyral agent (probably Agent Zero Netz judging by her hair and red boots and crazy web-panel layouts) crashing through the window and shooting a tranquilizer dart into Bruce's neck.

Spyral wants Dick. Spyral doesn't want Dick. Spyral wants Dick. Spyral is like my first girlfriend.

After tea with Bruce, Dick heads out to let Jason Todd and Tim Drake know that he's still alive. Todd takes Dick how Todd takes everything: the hard way! Har har!

Dick takes Todd and Tim's abuse and accusations in stride because he plays the role of big brother well. He shouldered the responsibility of the lie he knew would hurt them because that's just the job of the big brother. He also brings gifts because that usually shuts up little brothers. He brings them Batman's original two batarangs. I bet they're actually Numbers Two and Three! I bet Maps has the original now!

Before Dick leaves, he tells Tim and Jason to "Break it" in his Cluemaster code. Does he mean the Batman Duplication Machine? Or the batarangs? Or the cycle of abusing young boys by sending them into dangerous situations?!

Next Dick has to go see Babs. He gives her a gift as well although it's not the one I was hoping he would give her (hint: it rhymes with his name. No wait. It's exactly his name). He also tells her to "Break it" in code. Probably the gift then. He must have left fortune cookie messages in the gifts.

Now kiss!

Finally, Dick goes to see Damian. I bet Damian kills him! Or else he'll be the most understanding! Maybe he'll do that thing kids do where he'll be all, "I totally knew you weren't dead. Duh! I wasn't fooled, you idiot."

Actually, I'd forgotten about Dick not knowing Damian was back! So they're both surprised to find the other alive and it's really sweet.

These two are the best together.

After Dick leaves, the others break open their gifts to find the fortune cookie messages inside directing them to do a few things for him. The others are tasked with breaking into Spyral's Hypnos system so that Dick has control over the Hypnos himself. He then communicates with them in that way that Jack Donaghy communicates with people on the phone and in person at the same time by making sure all of his responses work for both conversations. The others work the back-end while Dick talks with Agent Zero. Once her Hypnos are decrypted, she's revealed to be Luka Netz, Agent Zero. I guess she's simply the Reboot version of Kathy Kane since making it Kathy Kane might be a bit weird for continuity, no matter how non-continuity minded a person might be.

Grayson #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. This has been the best comic book DC publishes even with Dick Grayson alone and cut off from the Batfamily. And now he's back in contact with his family and doing the super-spy thing with their help instead of just Batman's? Jesus Christ, guys! Now you're just embarrassing the competition! It's like a kid's t-ball game that's gone out of control and nobody is stopping the winning team from running up the score. You've already KO'd your opponent and now you're taking a dump on their chest! Chill the fuck out! Do you want all of the other comic books to stop being bought?! Give them some hope! If I were Scott Snyder, I'd really start rethinking that whole thing with Commissioner Gordon being Batman right now. I'd be changing up my next script right now! Bruce Wayne would be back in the cowl immediately before nobody cares about Batman anymore and Grayson becomes DC's most iconic character! Shit, I wouldn't be surprised if it's inevitable at this point.

Sinestro #15

What a surprise. They've turned against each other!

Earlier in this series, Sinestro and Twat Lobo had a battle that wasn't really a battle. It was just a test by Sinestro to see if the most dangerous person in the universe was really the most dangerous person in the universe. Sinestro wasn't killed by Twat Lobo so Sinestro concluded everything being said about Twat Lobo was true. I didn't get it either but I think it had something to do with the Stan Lee Hypothesis. That's the one where if two characters of equal strength battle with each other, the battle must end in an unsatisfying tie so that nerds can continue to believe their favorite character is still the strongest which is what they believed when the story began and which is what they would have believed when the story ended even if their character lost, although they'd be pissed off and ready to write a letter. Stan Lee was a genius! Have you ever read the angry letters in comic books printed before the internet existed? My god! I would not have wanted to anger those fans either! Ties all around! No hero ever loses to another hero! They're all equally unable to finish a battle!

I guess the previous Sinestro versus Twat Lobo issue wasn't enough for the fans. They need serious resolution! So it seems they're going to have to fight again. And since Sinestro's name is on the cover of this comic book, he'll probably win (although that didn't stop Aquaman losing to Swamp Thing in Aquaman's comic book. Loser). And since Twat Lobo has regenerative powers, he'll probably be torn to pieces. That would be a satisfying resolution, right?

Since Twat Lobo failed to kill Indigo-1 last issue, he's moved on to an easier target.

Unless Saint Walker's head penis can say "Bueno," I think Saint Walker might be in serious trouble here.

Lucky for Saint Walker, Twat Lobo doesn't want him dead. Maybe all this time, unbeknownst to everybody, Saint Walker actually has the power to strengthen any ring so Sinestro wants him for the Sinestro Corps. Although probably not since it wouldn't make sense for Fear to strengthen Hope in the way that Will gives power to Hope. I guess it will work though because I'm sure some people sometimes say things like, "I hope I scare the shit out of my little sister!" See? Hope and fear working together!

Twat Lobo makes up another piece of The Code to justify what he wants to do once the inhabitants raise up arms against him to protect Saint Walker. The Code says, "Do not spare those who would piss you off even if they are desperate and thirsty." I totally agree, The Code! But Twat Lobo decides not to murder them all even though it would take three seconds since they're all weak and emaciated. Instead, he decides to scare them. And that, after all this time, finally earns him a yellow ring!

Great. Now he's a subordinate of the Void Whisper and Sinestro.

Twat Lobo cuts his finger off because he's The Main Twat! Nobody tells him what to do unless he wants them to tell him what to do because he's working an angle. Plus the Yellow Lantern uniform simply isn't his style.

Twat Lobo takes Saint Walker back to Sinestro. While he's visiting, Twat Lobo threatens Sinestro because Twat Lobo is sick of the yellow rings swarming him wherever he goes. Then he marches off to be propositioned by Lyssa.

Just a second. I have to check the cover. Hmm, it says Sinestro on the cover but it seems more like a Twat Lobo book. Sinestro has appeared for three pages in the first twelve. But I guess it's acceptable since Sinestro is doing the narration. Oh yeah! That's how I know it's not a Twat Lobo book! Because every page isn't filled with Twat Lobo Narration Boxes! In that way, this has become a better Twat Lobo comic than any in his own series! It's just too bad Sinestro is being overshadowed in his own title. Maybe that's why he's going to battle Twat Lobo again. Or it might be because Lyssa is throwing herself at Twat Lobo because who wouldn't? What a sexy, marvelous beast! I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to fuck the most dangerous, murderous, practically insane creature in the universe. Totally worth probably dying for, right? Although I'm sure the yellow rings can make vibrators so why risk it?

While Lyssa blows Twat Lobo in the Gender Neutral Bathroom, Sinestro propositions Saint Walker. Sinestro's Manhunters bring food and water to the populace of Arklu to show Saint Walker that he can put his hope and faith in the Sinestro Corps. He can hang out with them, charging their rings and healing them as they fly around the universe bringing order through fear. Seems like a good deal, right? There's just the small matter of serious and extreme experimentation that will have to be done on Saint Walker and his blue ring. Shouldn't be overly traumatic for a stitched together puppet man.

Sinestro #15 Rating: No change. The face-off on the cover wasn't as exciting as one would have thought. It was more just Twat Lobo making a toothless threat against Sinestro and then stomping out of the room to go fuck Lyssa. If I were Twat Lobo, I think I'd retire or find another job. He just doesn't seem happy with his current situation. At least Real Deal Lobo took joy in everything he did. He was fun to be around. Twat Lobo is a fucking buzzkill always bringing up The Code and how he has to follow The Code. He's always just...oops! This book was supposed to be about Sinestro. I should probably judge it on Sinestro's actions. Although now that Sinestro has Twat Lobo working for him, he doesn't really partake in too many actions. He's become the Grand Moff Tarkin of the Sinestro Corps. Of course he's also the Darth Vader of the Corps, so unless he's into autoerotic asphyxiation, he probably won't be choking himself. Oh! Autoerotic asphyxiation! That's what Saint Walker's head tentacle is for!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Harley Quinn #20

Yay! More location based humor from Connor and Palmiotti!

If you think things were wacky and funny when Harley Quinn was in New York, just wait until you see her in Los Angeles! I bet it's as wacky as Starfire living in Key West! This shit is about to get crazy! But first, let's learn some secrets about The X-Files!

Look at them! They're practically babies!

I found this TV Guide while digging around in the attic for the copy of our lease. Yeah, my organizational skills aren't great and now I have no proof of our original lease for the new property managing company that has taken over. Oh well! This TV Guide is more interesting. Let's see the twenty things everybody needed to know about The X-Files in 1996! Although the tidbits are from TV Guide so don't be too surprised if you fall asleep while learning them.

#1. "Mulder and Scully don't have a love life because they're too busy!" Okay, so I'm paraphrasing instead of quoting the entire thing but that's about the crux of it. And you thought it was because Mulder was addicted to porn and Scully was saving herself for marriage and/or an alien lover.

#2. "Mulder and Scully will never have a love life because fans don't want them fucking anybody but each other." That's true enough. One of the things I loved about the show was that it didn't force a romantic plot into the series. At least not until the series had already been fitted for an adult diaper and had been shitting itself on a regular basis.

#3. "Duchovny hopes for more scenes of Mulder playing basketball." Here's David's quote on the subject: "I don't see why we can't do something that plays to my strengths." Well, Dave, I guess you eventually got to show your strengths with Californication, didn't you?

#4. "Gillian Anderson has a beauty mark on her upper lip." Gillian's quote on why Carter insisted it be covered with make-up: "Chris felt that there wasn't enough room for it on my face." TV Guide used that quote straight while I'm pretty sure Gillian was being a smart ass. Because Gillian is the greatest human being on the face of the Earth.

#5. "Something about being skeptical or something." Most of these things everybody needs to know are apparently really fucking dumb. I kept the TV Guide for the pictures.

#6. "Mulder and Scully both prefer the Beatles over the Rolling Stones." Whew! I'm glad that's cleared up!

#7. "The X-Files theme has no words because it was written without having any words." It should have lyrics. "Aliens are coming now! Here they come to steal a cow! I think I saw some take my sis! We're almost at the part where we start to whistle."

#8. "If a TV is on in a scene, it is playing a sci-fi horror movie." Really, TV Guide? Every fan would already know that. Do you think amateur television watchers were fans of this show? Snort! I don't think so.

#9. "Sometimes there's subtext." That wasn't paraphrased. That's actually how #9 begins. "Sometimes there's subtext." Holy fuck, TV Guide! You really did your fucking homework on this, didn't you? Although the subtext they discuss is whether or not Scully and Mulder fucked in an elevator in the episode "Paper Clip". Jesus, Guide. Shipping subtext discussion? That's barely even worthy of Intro to The X-Files 101.

#10. "And sometimes there's no subtext." I would be dead right now after reading that if I owned a gun. I did point out at the beginning that this was going to be TV Guide level journalism!

#11. "Sometimes the show doesn't make it past the censors." Apparently Fox didn't want a character on the show who fucked corpses so the character became a death fetishist. But incest was okay! Kind of.

#12. "The episode names are purposefully inscrutable." Like I even knew what the episodes were called when I watched them airing for the first time anyway. I doubt I even realized episodes of television had names back when The X-Files first aired!

#13. "Gillian's worst experience was wrestling with a fake cat covered in rabbit fur." Suddenly I have an erection.

#14. "Duchovny finds maggots gross." The real story isn't that David finds them disgusting because that's just being a fairly typical person. The real story is why he finds them off-putting. It's because they're "so needy." That sounds about right.

#15. "Gillian never ate that cricket in that episode about freaks written by that guy who wrote the best episode of all time starring the master of everything Charles Nelson Reilly." The truth? She spit it out! Move over Woodward and Bernstein! Here comes TV Guide!

#16. "The best items Gillian and Duchovny received from fans." Okay, I'm going to just transcribe this entire one because it's quotes from Gillian and David, two of my favorite people on the planet (probably just under my mom's parents): "What kind of offerings do the starts receive from X-philes? A fan once sent Anderson a tape of a song he wrote called 'Oh Scully, When Will You Kiss Mulder?' 'It was this twangy hillbilly song,' Anderson says. 'It was fabulous.' Duchovny's most unusual gift? A sexually explicit jigsaw puzzle from a female admirer. 'I spent the whole afternoon working on it,' Duchovny says. 'It took me a long time to put it together.'" My god, they're both so droll. They say so much without saying so much! They're too smart for average fans!

#17. "Some famous people like the show." Famous fans include Stephen Spielberg and Tony Bennett. You would think they could have come up with a few more.

#18. "There will be a movie." Thanks, TV Guide! I was probably excited to hear about this when this came out.

#19. "Big named actors want to guest star in The X-Files but Carter won't cast them." Is that a slam against Charles Nelson Reilly because I won't stand for it!

#20. "Three things will never happen on The X-Files." Those three things are any paired relationship between Mulder, Scully, and Skinner. Probably because it would confuse everybody at every X-Files convention since somebody saying "Scinner" would just be confused for "Skinner" and "Skulder" and "Sculder" sound exactly alike.

I own one other TV Guide and it has the Tiny Toons on the cover. What surprised me most about the TV Guide is that people actually sent letters to them. But no editor took the time to answer them even though the letters seem to have mostly been written by idiots. I should just buy up as many TV Guides as I can find and answer the letters. Maybe I should just save that idea for a book!

One last thing. Here's almost certainly what I watched on the night of April 7th, 1996 on Channel 54 in San Francisco Bay Area: Blake's 7, Robotech, Robotech, Doctor Who.

Anyway, Harley Quinn has made her way back to Los Angeles. She didn't have much time for airport hilarity last time so she takes care of it in this issue.

Normally I'd say people demanding apologies are ruining the inherent idea of apologies as showing true remorse but here the lady did offer to give Harley one. She gets what she deserves: stuffed into a suitcase full of strawberry jam. Ha ha! Humiliated but not actually hurt. Good one, Harley.

Harley's mission is to save some girl named Sparrow from a cult. But the job was first offered to Deadshot who isn't happy to have been taken out of the loop without his hundred grand. He's got a point. He most likely lost other sources of income preparing for this job. Assassins and Mercenaries must be allowed the same rights other businesses have to protect their revenue stream. I always charge businesses who change the locks on their doors without alerting me prior to my scheduled floor cleaning visit!

Harley winds up at some naked guy's party and ends up in a fight with some home invaders. She winds up stealing a cop car and driving around with a guy dressed up like a cowboy named Cowboy. Look, it's Harley Quinn. If that all doesn't make enough sense, you should probably be reading Batman.

Mission accomplished!

I hope when Deadshot comes busting into the Motel, he makes a crack about that time Harley called her vagina a clown car!

After tying the girl up, Harley and Cowboy leave her in the motel room to go get something to eat. They pass by Grauman's Chinese Theatre so that Harley can interact with the actors in superhero costumes. She considers getting Batman and Superman to kiss, assaults the "Special Occasion" version of herself, and is propositioned by Wonder Woman. So you know, all the shit that's been written about already twelve dozen times in fanfiction.

Harley beats up a pink pussy while eating pink tacos. I think this might be one of those scenes with subtext. Unless it's one of those scenes without subtext. I don't think there are any other options.

After they eat, they head back to the motel where Deadshot arrives to shoot Cowboy in the chest which probably makes Harley's clown car flood.

Harley Quinn #20 Rating: No change. Does Harley Quinn's comic even need to be reviewed by anybody? Even if it maybe sucks sometimes or tends to be derivative of itself or is just a vehicle for commentary on comic book culture, it's still going to sell a ton of copies. I don't know what it would take for Harley to suddenly not be popular. Her fans are going to purchase anything she's in and I kind of get the feeling we're only going to see an uptick in her popularity when the Suicide Squad movie comes out. Although I think a lot of people are going to be confused when they realize comic book Deadshot looks more like Orange is the New Black's Pornstache than Will Smith. Maybe Deadshot will keep his mask on during this story to avoid confusion.

Bizarro #4

This magic trick is disgusting.

After three issues, I'm beginning to suspect that Jimmy Olsen isn't actually taking Bizarro to Canada. A road trip to Canada from Metropolis should have probably taken about six hours. But instead they've gone through Central City and Branson on the way to Canada? That doesn't make sense. I think Jimmy's taking Bizarro to Area 51! Jimmy Olsen really is the worst friend ever.

This issue begins with Bizarro having his fortune read by some psychic that thankfully isn't Madame Xanadu. If it had been, the reading would have told Bizarro that to save the world, he would have to give Madame Xanadu an erotic massage while Jimmy Olsen cleans out the garage. Instead, Madame Hoobeedtnozoff confirms my suspicions that Jimmy isn't taking Bizarro to Canada!

Oh yeah. Jimmy is just trying to get enough photos for a bestselling coffee table book. It must be the people following them who are from Area 51.

While in Branson, Bizarro decides that they should go see Zatanna. Jimmy Olsen hates magic because he hates things that don't follow rules. That makes me suspicious as to why he's Superman's Pal then. Maybe Jimmy doesn't mind when somebody breaks every rule of physics in the pursuit of following all the made-up rules imagined up by mankind. But if somebody is just seeming to break the rules of physics in the pursuit of making a living? Jimmy can't stand that shit.

Bizarro understands how Zatanna's magic works because do you really think I'm going to finish this sentence? We all get why he understands it. He uses it himself to make himself disappear which opens a portal allowing him to travel to a bunch of magical DC locations like the Rock of Eternity and Gemworld and The House of Mystery and Hell and the Parliament of Trees and Skartaris. Eventually he returns to tell Jimmy about his adventures. But Zatanna is all, "You can't do backwards magic! That's my thing!" And Bizarro is all, "Unh-unh!" And Zatanna is all, "Oh no! I lost my powers!"

It's all very E is for Everyone kinds of shenanigans. Except for the name of the psychic at the beginning. I think that was some kind of beating off joke.

Bizarro casts a spell which causes Jimmy to become a Bizarro version of himself and turns Bizarro normal.

Um, your boobs? I think your boobs have gone awry.

Jimmy Olsen begins to destroy Branson in an effort to make it as photogenic as possible. Zatanna and Bizarro are now powerless to stop him, so Zatanna calls in a friend to help. I hope it isn't that barn owl Madame Zatanna! Thankfully it's Deadman! He enters Jimmy, stops the rampage, and then leaves. Thanks for the quick fix, Deadman!

Once Jimmy and Bizarro realize they now understand each other, they return to normal. Then they fuck. Probably. But it's off-panel because this is an E for Everyone comic book.

After the dust settles, Agents Spooky Stu and I-Won't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter Mahalo finally catch up to Jimmy and Bizarro.

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Bizarro #4 Rating: No change. I feel ripped off. Based on the cover, I thought Zatanna was going to take a piss inside Jimmy Olsen's skull. Now I have to pull my pants back up over my disappointed wiener. Even Lord Google couldn't help out. Even if I split the terms up, Lord Google couldn't find any images of Zatanna peeing or Jimmy Olsen's skull! I must be subscribed to the wrong internet.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Constantine the Hellblazer #4

The Surgeon General reports that smoking will cause good times and death and getting laid and good memories.

Did anybody watch the new Muppets show on ABC and not receive a phone call afterward that told them they have seven days left to live? Was it supposed to be a comedy? I did notice some complaints around the internet that it wasn't kid friendly enough and it had too many references to drugs and sex. The people who were making those complaints must not remember the original show. You do remember that it starred a frog that was fucking a pig, right? Sure, it wasn't blatantly stated but what did anybody think was going on? And who didn't already know Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were all fucked up on drugs? Who was naive enough to believe they weren't just because it was never explicitly stated? Look, Gonzo was, and always has been, a chicken fucker and people just let that shit go! Apparently subtlety really does fool stupid people (and by "subtlety," I suppose I mean "not explicitly stating something outright but making it as obvious as possible anyway"). The original Muppet Show was written and played for adults. It was never meant to be a kids show. I mean, Alice Cooper guest starred on one show and tried to purchase their souls. Was that meant for kids? Sure, it didn't play anything in a way that kept parents from letting kids watch. But neither did the new one. Back when the original Muppets aired, parents seemed to understand that adult jokes were not going to be picked up by the kids. Parents nowadays seem to think that if they can understand a joke in an adult way, their child has just been corrupted. People, your kid didn't even notice.

The new Muppets really was a trainwreck though. It definitely wasn't funny enough (or at all?) to end with that serious breakup scene between Kermit and Miss Piggy. Was that supposed to be emotional? Because everybody has been screaming at that frog to drop that horrible pig for decades now! People should have been cheering at that scene! Kermit should have taken control of his life and eaten a bacon wrapped hot dog with extra bacon and a side of bacon right in front of her! He should have had her arrested! I wouldn't have minded if he'd sold her to the local butcher and beat it out of town.

The show takes a giant misstep filming it Office-style and being more about the behind-the-scenes of running the show rather than just airing it like a variety show with behind-the-scenes happenings during the show (like the old one!). Sure, maybe that would have sucked as well because, again, the writing was terrible. But I'd rather see weird acts by Muppets than Tom Bergeron acting like a sad sack. If the show gets any better, somebody will have to let me know because I won't be watching it again. Probably because I'm going to be visited by a girl climbing out of a well climbing out of my television in a few days.

And now on to our regularly scheduled broadcast which has to be better than discussion of the Muppets which did not have a single laugh-out-loud moment no matter what easily amused people say. Last issue, we met Georgie Snow. I hope she turns out to be Elijah Snow's sister! She, like everybody in the paranormal business, hates John Constantine and refused to be pulled into his shenanigans. She might still be since she was introduced but I think she might be sitting this story arc out from now on. Unless the ghost of her friend Veronica turns up to tell John he was a lousy lay (which would probably be a lie but then you don't go around telling the person who's probably to blame for your death that they were fantastic in the sack).

He can't be drinking "that" in here. Because you're only allowed to drink PBR and Old Milwaukee in record stores. Possibly Hamms and Rainer as well.

Constantine has decided drunkenness is better than heroics so he's going to just drink and drink and lose himself in memories of the past instead of helping a bunch of ghosts not get eaten by the Ghostbuster.

In John's memories, Veronica wants to quit the band (Mucus Membrane (probably not named for the ones in your nasal passages)) because they're getting too wrapped up in the magic. They're playing for demons instead of people now. She called home and nobody remembers her. She's freaking out but John doesn't want to hear it. He's deep in the thrall of the magic and it's all he cares about. Pretty soon he'll learn that he cares more about staying alive which will force him deeper into the magic and further away from caring about the welfare of his friends (at least when it comes to his life versus theirs, ya know?).

So far Elijah Snow hasn't appeared in any of John's memories. But it'll happen! It has to happen! Why name a character Georgiana Snow and not make her Elijah's sister?!

John, stop being a dick. These people have obviously chosen beauty over truth. Most people do. It's why religion is so popular.

A bunch of the ghosts following John around hoping he'll help them suddenly appear on stage with Constantine. And then the Ghostbuster appears and begins feeding on the poor, lost souls. The living people run screaming from the joint. Constantine just stands around wondering where his next drink is going to come from. I suppose one of two things is going to have to happen to pull Constantine out of this drunken spiral. Georgie Snow is going to have to decide to help him, or he'll run into Veronica's ghost which he'll care enough to save.

Constantine heads back to the Secret Library Wing at Cambridge where Georgiana studied the dark arts where he meets the old librarian who says he can answer John's questions. But John doesn't want questions answered. He just wants to wallow in his despair and misery and alcohol.

And write Magnetic Poetry!

Constantine remembers the last time he saw Veronica and how he abandoned her and how he broke not only her heart but her entire life. But mostly Constantine remembers how little he cared. Although now that it's too late, now that he's so far removed from that time and place, he's found he does care. Isn't that the way though? Isn't it always easier to believe you cared more about something than you actually did when you're suddenly steeped in the nostalgia of the thing? So John--saddened by his current place in life, distraught that he's lost the ghost of Gaz, disturbed by his memories of the way he treated Veronica, mind clouded by alcohol--has come to a point of despair. He calls out to the Ghostbuster and allows it to come for him. He stands his ground and allows it to consume him. He's ready for it all to end.

Bom chicka wah wah!

Constantine the Hellblazer #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Doyle and Tynion understand how to write Constantine. It isn't all about defeating the Bad Thing by casting the most dangerous spell in the world that has too high a cost to count! And then casting the spell and succeeding and then never really paying much of a price at all. Constantine is about the dark places he's allowed himself to travel. It's about living a life damaged by all of the prices he's paid along the way. Yes, he's cocky and arrogant and always has a trick up his sleeve. He's full of bluster and sound and fury to hide the fact that he's nearly always just flying by the seat of his trenchcoat. He's not just the guy who always finds a way out. He's the guy haunted by the things he did to find those ways out. Doyle and Tynion understand Constantine enough that they are succeeding despite the limits placed on this book due to it not being in the Vertigo line. If you were disappointed with the original run of Constantine after The New 52, it's safe to come back to the character now. I give this book the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Stamp of Approval.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Lost Army #4

I know John Stewart farted in your face last cover, Kilowog. But belching in Guy's face isn't going to improve the situation.

I remember being truly terrified of three things when I was a kid. The worst was the Sleestaks in Land of the Lost. Although it was less about the Sleestaks and more about the tension created whenever the Marshalls would go into the Sleestak caves. Many episodes when they went into the cave, the Sleestaks wouldn't even appear. Those days were the worst. Remember that feeling you had after seeing The Blair Witch Project? You felt nauseated and tense and gross and blamed it on the motion of the handheld camera? Well, I knew walking out of that theater exactly why that movie made people feel so bad. Because I'd experienced it before in my youth. It's the nausea of withheld catharsis. Being scared by the appearance of the Sleestaks was far better than having that tense knot in my stomach never released when the Marshalls got off easy. Blair Witch did the same thing but in longer form. You spent all movie waiting to jump at something scary and it never came. It was the movie going equivalent of being blue balled. The other two things that terrified me as a kid were the opening credits to "Tales From the Darkside" and the theme song to Doctor Who.

That wasn't a joke. That theme song creeped the fuck out of me. I remember thinking, "Why is this scary show airing in the middle of the afternoon?!" At least I knew I would only spy "Tales From the Darkside" if I stayed up too late. But that Doctor Who theme haunted me! It was probably years later that I found out it was a science fiction show. And I'd probably even watched some of it having turned the station to find it on, never knowing it was attached to that theme song that just provoked some visceral flight or fight response in my young system.

Anyway, Arisia was dying or some shit at the end of last issue. Good riddance! Nobody needs to be reminded that Hal Jordan was once a pedophile! And the best way to forget that shit is to disappear the victim! I mean, technically I guess the best way to take care of it is to put Hal in a Sciencell. I just scanned the DC Wiki on "Sciencell" to see if I should capitalize it or not. It seems I should. So was Sciencell the guy who created the Oan prison? I always just assumed it was a retarded...oh wait, sorry for the R-slur! Let me check my friend's daughter's Facebook to see the word I have to use instead...Oh! Okay, let me start over. I always just assumed it was a ridiculous merger of "science" and "cell." Oh hey! Ridiculous actually works well to replace retarded! That's crazy! Uh, I mean, that's unbelievable! Hmm. That one doesn't work as well to express my exact intent. So ridiculous. Wink, wink!

I'm so going to fucking ruin the word ridiculous that it's ridiculous. Wink, wink. You know what I mean when I say ridiculous, right? Stop being so ridiculous! Just like I now say "barn owl" and no barn owls complain about my god-awful language!

Oh yeah! Shit! Sorry, Arisia. I just left you gasping for breath for way too long due to that ridiculous digression.

Once again, the Green Lanterns are caught in a tense battle against the Light Pirates. I know it's tense because of the constant reminders that their rings' power level keeps falling. Everywhere I look on every page I see "50%" then "40%" then "30%". I know that's bad because the numbers keep getting smaller! When they get to zero, the Green Lanterns will lose! Will they be able to beat back their enemies before a "0%" appears on the page?!

I wish the Green Lanterns would battle enemies instead of constantly battling the amount of charge left in their rings.

Relic and Krona have also been attacked in Relic's ship. They're draining Relic's ship's shields just as fast as they're draining the charge on the Green Lanterns' rings! That means Relic and Krona have to escape before they die. And since neither of them give a shit about the Green Lanterns, they abandon them. And then all of the Green Lanterns lose power and die.

Since the Green Lanterns are now dead, I guess it's time for a John Stewart Military Flashback! It's time to learn how taking part in militaristic imperialist expansionism made John Stewart the man he is today! Or the man he was yesterday since he's dead now.

John's memory was about that time in battle when the one guy said to go on without him and John was all, "No way, buddy! We're all going to make it or else none of us will!" And then the guy who wanted to abandon the hurt guy gets killed because fuck that prick for wanting to leave a man behind. He totally deserved to die. But John surrenders after seeing his fellow marine shot in the throat because fuck getting shot in the throat, man! He surrenders in that way that Americans never surrender and is captured. No wonder he just died in space! The lesson he learned was to quit! Quitter!

Apparently John didn't die in space. He wakes up in a generic brand Sciencell alongside Salaak and some other alien prisoners.

Just like an American. He expects everybody else--even aliens!--to learn English.

Nemux (one of the new recruits) is killed in a demonstration of how the Light Pirates will be murdering all of the other Lanterns and Lightsmiths. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 speaks in binary as she mourns the death of her friend which is completely fucking stupid. Her race is good at math! They aren't machines! But what do I know? I'm just a fucking English Major! Arisia is all, "I know you can't understand me, Two-Six, but let me ask you a question after immediately pointing out how you can't understand me." Then B'dg is all, "I look like a chipmunk so of course I speak a language that sounds like an Earth chipmunk! This whole comic book is fucking racist bullshit man!" B'dg is acting excitedly because he's found a poorly concealed panel in the wall of the cell.

B'dg is saying, "Fuck you, assholes! I'm outta here!"

Somebody must have lost a nut behind the wall for B'dg to have found the panel. Oh man. I shouldn't have said that. I should have learned the lesson Simon Baz tried to teach everybody about how B'dg is a Green Lantern and not a giant anthropomorphic chipmunk! I should at least respect him as an individual since this comic book isn't going to. His language sounds like squeaks and chirps. So fucking derogatory, man. Just...just so wrong!

Meanwhile Guy Gardner is stuck on his ridiculous (wink, wink) argument about John ruining everything because he's lying to Relic. Hey Guy? If you haven't noticed, Relic isn't here anymore. This universe is long dead according to the matter that makes up your body which is just recycled matter from this universe. How about you just treat this universe as the leftovers it is and try to get back to your universe no matter the cost. If what you do somehow causes this universe to die, don't worry about it. Time being what it is, that's probably how the universe died before. You just didn't realize it because you hadn't reached that loop of time from your perspective. Just realize nothing you do at this point matters in the grand scheme of things because whatever happened here in Relic's universe already happened. Just fucking go with it. Unless, of course, you're just making your stupid arguments and complaining your dumbass complaints for added drama. Then carry on.

Don't be so stupid, Guy! Remember how Relic's light draining the universe theory was just a hypothesis without any actual proof? And remember how John lied about being from the future which was dying due to too much light being used? Remember how Relic took that as proof of his hypothesis? That's the only reason he believes his theory without any actual evidence! It's all bunk!

Stewart and Salaak sit around trying to count how many Lanterns have been captured. And that's when they're rescued! Um, kind of?

I'm fairly certain "Chrr-chrr-crk-squeak-chrk-chrk!" means "I am not a fucking squirrel, you racist piece of shit!"

Stewart makes a grand speech that only Salaak can understand. The other Lightsmiths probably think he's just ranting about how uncomfortable the cells were before they were infested with vermin. Salaak translates B'dg's glorious language and points out that B'dg knows where all the weapons are being kept. So he'll go fetch them and then everybody will break out of prison with a bunch of rings that have already been completely drained and, even if they weren't, would get completely drained again almost immediately by their captors' light-stealing technology. I can't wait to see how quickly the percentages fall next issue! Such drama! Such tension! Although it's no Marshalls in the Sleestak Cave drama.

Lost Army #4 Rating: -1 Ranking. If I were interested in watching people fight with the power draining out of their devices or people sitting around having inane conversation in a bleak landscape, I'd hang out in Starbucks all day. Somebody think up a new device to make the Lanterns interesting please. Until then, I'm changing the name of this comic book to Loser Army.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Wonder Woman #44

According to this cover blurb, Wonder Woman is evil.

The first thing I noticed about this cover is that David Finch is back. I can't say I'm entirely disappointed because when he was missing from last issue, the quality of the comic actually improved. And I'd rather do commentary on comic books in which I can find many, many faults. I like to feel superior by pointing out problems. I do not like to feel inferior by quality stories which cause me to think that I might be the worst writer on the planet. Not that every editor I've ever worked with hasn't already tried to make me feel that way. Not to mention all of the publishers who refuse to publish five page novels no matter how many they receive from you. And I shouldn't forget all of my friends and family who try not to look me in the eye when they see me with my Pee Chee folder and then all suddenly have to be somewhere else or are suddenly too blind to read or too deaf to listen. If only all of those things were different, everybody would realize how great a Writer I am!

When we last saw Wonder Woman, she had been shot in the shoulder by a magic arrow just after putting wax lips in her mouth.

Wonder Woman rocks the "Fuck Me Now" look while dying (and wearing wax lips).

Wonder Woman's cliffhanger is over by the second page where it turns out the arrow in the shoulder wasn't as big a deal as it seemed. She's also suddenly in the alley with an old woman as opposed to a young woman so I think we know the identity of the street urchin from last issue, don't we? She's the real Fate! Duh. The women in the Growler/Knitting Shop were all pretty much the same age anyway. No way they could have been the Fates. Plus they all had boob jobs which is probably not something they'd bother with. Because that's like changing your destiny and why would they encourage people to steal their job?

Wonder Woman pulls the arrow out of her shoulder and throws it into the ground where it disappears into a vortex or a portal or maybe just a glowing puddle. Now whoever is on the other side of that puddle has Wonder Woman's blood! That means they can, um, clone her? What can you do with somebody's blood besides drink it or smear it across you testicles in preparation for a fertility dance?

After the Wonder Woman pages, there's a page that takes place six months earlier about Aegeus's life falling apart. It's hastily drawn with little care because David Finch couldn't be bothered with a page that didn't spotlight Wonder Woman's bosom.

Aegeus just wants the day to be over so he heads home to play an illegal copy of Arkham Knight on his PS4. It must be illegal because it wasn't even out six months ago. But he can't play the unreleased game because he finds he's locked out of his apartment. And he loses his job which wasn't a great job anyway since it was selling stolen credit card numbers to other thieves. But his life going to crap is just the impetus he needs to finally believe his mother's dying words that he's got the blood of the gods flowing in his main vein.

I guess the reader can now sympathize with Aegeus because we see that he's not really a bad credit card thief at all. He's just being manipulated by fate (and by "fate," I actually mean "Strife") into a position which will eventually pit him against Wonder Woman. I hope Diana realizes it and hugs him really hard to save the day.

Remember how many times I've mentioned that David Finch is probably constantly bugging his wife to write Wonder Woman shower scenes? Remember how not having David Finch around led to Meredith's best issue of her run? Remember how David Finch is back drawing this issue? Remember all of that?

Shower time!

After her shower (which, surprisingly, wasn't a two page splash), Hera appears in the mirror to talk to Diana. She says, "Remember when you were once told that only blood could kill blood? You know, about how the gods could die? Remember that? Forget it! The only reason you were able to kill Ares is because the Fates got old and got breast implants and had to get a second job filling growlers in London. It made the gods less immortal (which is, technically, mortal)! And now that the Fates are dead, all of the gods of Olympus are just humans with delusions of grandeur! Unless they're on Olympus where they get to still be immortal for very complex and mythological reasons." Wonder Woman responds by taking off her bathrobe and rubbing herself. No wait! That's how she was fated to be drawn by David Finch but since the Fates have died, she just acts like a normal person and not Fan Service Eye Candy. Well, at least not totally like eye candy.

The arrow from earlier didn't just disappear in a puddle. Hera brought it to Olympus so Hephaestus could examine it. Unless she brought it to Olympus so she could use it to kill Wonder Woman but Hephaestus just happened to walk in the room as she plucked it out of thin air and he said, "What's that?!" And then Hera made up the thing about giving it to Hephaestus on purpose.

What kind of idiot savant can forge an arrow this complex but doesn't know the meaning of simple words?! Why would he have to define "God Killer" for that person? Besides, the killer forged a weapon capable of killing gods so I think the person knows the meaning of the term.

I would have named my God Killer sword "Postmodernism."

Meanwhile Donna Troy is walking around London in her Amazonian Clay Girl Threads and everybody is calling her names because everybody that isn't a main character in a comic book is either a xenophobe or a boring normal person that has no appreciation for all of the unique snowflakes who aren't actually as unique as they'd like to think.

That's not a selfie, asshole. That's called a picture.

Donna Troy happens upon the girl Wonder Woman met last issue. She's being beaten by a man so Donna Troy rushes in to save her. She easily defeats the guy because he's just a punk who wasn't magically born out of clay to be a great fighter.

Judging by his face, he may be suffering from some genetic defects.

After saving the girl, Donna Troy walks out in front of a bus because she was magically born out of clay to not have any peripheral vision. But the unnamed girl rescues her and they become fast friends. Probably. Maybe she'll become Donna Troy's sidekick. Maybe she's Terry Long's daughter, Jennifer! I bet that's why she's been so mysterious. As soon as she gives her name, everybody will know that Donna is about to meet her future creepy husband!

Okay. Stop it. Fuck you. We get enough of this bullshit from Starfire. I am not going to believe that Donna Troy has no problem with speaking English and suddenly doesn't fucking know what a park is.

The unnamed girl takes Donna back to her underground lair where she just happens to have an outfit with great boots in Donna's size. As least the new look doesn't have a giant "V" to indicate where her vagina goes.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Strife and Diana have an inane conversation that goes nowhere. Also Diana speaks about Pegasus as if it's a species and not a unique creature whom she killed a year or two ago in Batwoman. I get that Dungeons and Dragons have turned Pegasus into just another wandering monster to be encountered but this isn't a Dungeons and Dragons comic book. This is a serious comic book about an Amazon living in London who is also the God of War. I expect it to be fact checked and well researched, dammit.

It's like Aegeus crashed through the ceiling directly from a 90s comic book!

Wonder Woman #44 Rating: No change. This comic book has stopped being completely horrible. That's about the only positive thing I can say about it. Meredith is trying to redeem Donna Troy which is good because she never should have been created simply to need redeeming in the first place. I'm still having trouble figuring out why people love David Finch's art so much. I won't deny he's spectacular when he cares about the thing he's drawing (which means a young woman who is probably naked). But his men are the worst. They look like the fish faced residents of Innsmouth. Also, who's the new girl? Is she just Donna Troy's Zola? Are we simply going to get a revision of Azzarello's Wonder Woman but with Donna Troy and the unnamed urchin (who is--cross my fingers--Jennifer Long!)? I currently don't think this comic book is awful but I don't really have any reason to recommend it. Read at your own risk, I guess.

Doomed #4

Poor Wonder Girl! She thought she was free from being written by Lobdell!

Last night I put away my huge stack of comic books from the last few months. I also reorganized the six short boxes which housed the current DC titles (along with a bunch that had been cancelled since last I put comic books away). I used two of the boxes to to hold cancelled titles and four of the boxes for the current titles. When I was done, I was left with a stack of comic books twice as tall as when I had begun! I think I broke some laws of physics last night!

Before I begin commenting on Doomed, let me present a cheat sheet for how I'm discussing it so that anybody reading this isn't confused. This is obviously Scott Lobdell's DC version of Spider-man. So I'll be calling the main character Peter and his monstrous alter-ego, Doomed-man. The girl he works with at STAR Labs is Mary Jayne (I think her real name is Jayne?). The homeless girl he almost had sex with is Gwen. And his old, decrepit aunt is, of course, Aunt May. I just wanted everybody to understand this so they didn't accidentally think I was doing reviews on Marvel comics which would negate my exclusivity contract with DC Comics and kill my Mountain Dew endorsement deal.

The comic book begins with Doomed-man being punched over and over again by Wonder Girl. The action scene is ruined by Doomed-man thinking too many poorly written thoughts to himself. He thinks things like "That hurt. A lot" and "This girl is hardcore" and "She punches like she's got two battleships taped to her wrists!" That last one was so clever that it needed an exclamation point. What kind of horrible, awful, sexually harassing editor who loves to blackmail people would allow this kind of shoddy writing to make it to publication?

This would reflect poorly on Wonder Girl's character if she had even just once since The New 52 began acted heroically.

This scene began with a "NOW" caption so I'm afraid I'm going to be forced to read the situation that led up to this battle that means nothing. Why are Wonder Girl and Doomed-man fighting? No reason! It's not like it's going to move any kind of plot along because the fight between them is, most likely, the entire plot. So sit back and enjoy a bit of story which probably took less time for Scott Lobdell to write than it takes for Eddie Berganza to come in his pants while rubbing up against women at the crowded office Christmas party.

The flashback comes (just like Eddie on a crowded subway!) just as the fight between Doomed-man and Wonder Girl was not getting any more interesting. One half hour earlier, Peter decided it would be a good idea to ring Aunt May's doorbell while still looking like Doomed-man. I bet he gets hit with a purse! Or a broom!

Doomed-man doesn't actually reveal himself to Aunt May. He chickens out at the last instant and heads over to the abandoned amusement park. Metropolis sure has a lot of abandoned places to not bring your kids. A zoo last issue and now a park. I bet the Collateral Superman Damage Insurance was just too expensive and shut a lot of places down.

Don't worry, Peter. You'll only have to put up with this crap for a couple more issues. And then you'll cease to exist because who the fuck is going to care about this character ever reappearing in the DC Universe?

Doomed-man blows his load and creates a huge crater in the abandoned amusement park. Since his transformations take place when he gets sexually excited, it only makes sense that he turns back into Peter after he orgasms. He passes out in his "webstuff" and is then approached by Gwen. She speaks "monstre" to him (that's the stupid name of the stupid language that Peter suddenly knows how to speak as Doomed-man) and he transforms back into a naked boy.

This is about par for Wonder Girl's characterization since the Reboot. So unlikeable!

At the end of the last issue, The Elite arrived to help take care of the Metropolis Monster. But being that Scott Lobdell simply begins writing new stories every month instead of continuing the stories from the previous month, he's now decided he only wants to write Wonder Girl in this issue (Alternate Theory: Eddie Berganza was too busy groping women to do his job). So the explanation for Kid Flash and Power Girl not appearing in this issue? Wonder Girl "ordered them away." And never you fucking mind where she sent them! What does that have to do with the plot of Doomed-man fighting Wonder Girl? That's just extraneous bullshit that doesn't add drama or tension.

Other people who take off their containment suits while scrubbing down a quarantine room full of weird ass shit do fucking deserve it. You know, like you do. Totally fair. Asshole.

As Peter tries to cover up his shame (his nakedness, not his horrible characterization), Wonder Girl breaks through the roof and says, "You're going down, Monster Man." Of course it triggers his transformation. Seriously, if a beautiful woman smashes into the room and says something like that to me, I'm going to go full boner too! And so the comic book returns to where it started. It should have never started there in the first place. Just fucking start your story from the beginning if you're going to tell the whole story anyway. The only reason to begin in the middle is because you're going to continue from the middle.

Doomed-man saves Wonder Girl from being crushed as she tries to kill him which is the tired old way of showing the hero that the person they're fighting isn't a bad person at all. Wonder Girl lassos him with her Baby Lasso of Truth and he turns back into a human boy. Good thing because that erotic asphyxiation stuff can be really dangerous and awesome feeling.

Wonder Girl tells Peter that with great monstrosity comes great responsibility. Then she gives him Red Robin's phone number so that asshole can deal with him. And then she leaves!

On the final page, Mary Jayne discovers that the head of Doomsday was the last thing in the quarantine room (which she's still calling a Clean Room because she's a stupid fucking jerko). And then Superman shows up because he doesn't have any respect for private property and he doesn't know how to knock and he may actually be looking for some heavy anal fisting action because he's got red handkerchiefs hanging out of his pockets.

Doomed #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. The point of this issue was for Wonder Girl to sympathize with Doomed-man because she's like him with her invisible hate armor which turns her into a monster as well. But she's learned how to control it and has decided she's not a danger to anybody anymore even though she's a completely selfish asshole. When she discovers that Doomed-man is just a kid named Peter Parker who can't control his powers, she tells him he's going to be okay and allows him to run free in Metropolis. Yay for sympathetic bonding that leaves the entire population of Metropolis at risk! Somebody didn't learn anything about great responsibility and great power! It's one thing to trust him if he can control his powers. But to leave him alone without any help is completely irresponsible. But Scott Lobdell doesn't give a shit about the world the characters live in. He just wants to have two teenagers trust each other and have faith in each other and to point out that the adult world is bullshit, amirite?! Fuck those STAR assholes! They're exactly like NOWHERE! High five! Seriously though. This almost could have possibly been a decent issue if the characters weren't being written as if they live in a vacuum. I hope Doomed-man destroys Metropolis next issue.