Teen Titans #12

Good. It's about fucking time.

I admit it! When somebody says they enjoy something written by Scott Lobdell, I immediately assume they are idiots. You know what? I get the feeling I've admitted that before! At the very least, I've ranted and raved and screamed on and on and on about Lobdell's horrible version of the Teen Titans so many times that it should have caused everybody to infer that that's the case. I suppose I don't mind if people enjoy it so much. Everybody has a right to enjoy whatever they want, no matter how stupid or idiotic or horribly written it is. But I do assume a person doesn't get much use out of their brain if they defend Lobdell's work as good. Or decent. Or even competent.

So now Lobdell fans (who are obviously morons (unless they enjoy his comic books simply because they allow them to turn off their brains for the three minutes it takes to read one. I suppose we all enjoy some of that kind of lovely garbage for destressing our lives)) have reason to celebrate. He's back on the Teen Titans! Hooray! More idiotic Narration Boxing! More crappily defined characters! More panels of Wonder Girl being punched by Superboy as she thinks, "I wish his dick were in my mouth!" I guess whoever loves Lobdell at DC figured he'd need some additional money each month after the cancellation of Doomed (which, by the way, wasn't cancelled fast enough). I'm surprised Doomed ran long enough to be cancelled due to poor sales rather than ending with a cease and desist from Marvel because they own Spider-man.

What kind of life have you led that you want it back now? Are tired of not being a living weapon anymore? Do you want to go back to working for NOWHERE? Superboy's life has pretty much been exactly what it is now: constantly running and fighting. Although he did have that brief period where he was dating Bunker.

This opening page doesn't quite feel right for a Scott Lobdell Jam. It's got the boring full page panel. It's got the inane dialogue. But where are the fifteen Narration Boxes?! I guess the lack of the boxes must be Pfeifer's influence.

After turning the page, I breathe a sigh of relief. When the story begins at a place that wasn't where the last story ended with lots of characters missing and nobody really concerned with the plot that had been chugging along the last twenty pages, I realize Scott Lobdell is definitely back! I was afraid maybe somebody at DC just added his name to the script so he could get a bump in pay. But that would have meant I don't get the enjoyment of tearing down his hard work. And by "hard work," I mean rush to get the script done at the last minute while scarfing nachos and guzzling Shirley Temples in some seedy hotel lobby bar.

I think I'd really have a good time hanging out with my imaginary version of Scott Lobdell!

Instead of still being in the basement levels of the MAW with Despero behind him, Red Robin is now in Dayton's destroyed penthouse (I think). Instead of the Elite having teleported in to shut down the prison break, they've completely disappeared (except for Wonder Girl). Superboy was doing the same thing he was doing at the end of last issue which was screaming to have somebody give him back his life. So that's going to be great in the collected edition. I always like having two nearly identical pages lined up one after the other. I suppose I'll have to wait to find out what happened to the others. I'm sure it's either a Despero alternate reality where the core of the Teen Titans will get to talk about how much they love each other, or Manchester Black decided the best way to end the prison break (which was part of his plan) was to just teleport everybody out (which was probably always part of his plan). He does have an Indigo Lantern with crazy powerful teleport powers which he hasn't been using at all for some reason. Why else have an Indigo Lantern on the team?!

The Titans notice that their powers are gone. Red Robin can feel somebody watching them because that's a thing that isn't real but everybody believes. You know when you think you feel somebody watching you? That just means you think you feel somebody watching you. If somebody happens to be watching you at that moment, it's just a coincidence. Believing every thought that enters your head is true? That's schizophrenia.

Was that ever a thing? When they were all Titans? And Superboy was trusted?

Here's a question! Why did DC Comics finally cancel Scott Lobdell's awful Teen Titans run only to reboot it with a change of attitude that never actually changed only to wind up shoving Lobdell back on the title? The only conclusion I can reach is that DC Comics hates fans of the Teen Titans!

Superboy remembers killing the Durlans which makes Red Robin say, "Whoops! I suppose if Superboy is going to turn himself in for murder, I'd better turn myself in for breaking into a prison and hampering a police investigation." Wonder Girl lies to Superboy when he pities himself and tells him that all she ever wanted was to get him help and to have his dick in her mouth. Oh, sorry. The last half of that sentence wasn't a lie.

Bart begins to whine about how if Superboy has to pay for killing twenty Muslims or aliens, then he should probably have to pay for starting a war that killed millions of people who have yet to be born. He even admits that he started the war because he was a stupid teenager who thought he was right the way stupid teenagers always do. He says, "Because I thought I was right. Whatever the hell that means." And Kon answers, "It means everything, Bart." Oh, okay. So any lives taken due to somebody doing something which they thought was right should be forgiven because they intended to do the right thing even though it was the wrong thing because they were acting like an idiot. All is forgiven! Next up, Wonder Girl needs to pity herself so the others can say, "No! No! You're a good person and we love you and that's all that matters! If only the stupid adults would get off our backs!"

Fuck everything. I probably got the Despero part wrong and it's probably Manchester Black but here we go with the "Despero alternate reality where the core of the Teen Titans will get to talk about how much they love each other" bit.

To top it all off, Bart's favorite memory is the moment from Lobdell's run of Teen Titans where Bart borrowed Tim's shirt without asking. What a great life he's led. Weren't we supposed to forget about that landfill? Didn't we cover it up with a golf course and forget about it? No? And now I have to relive it?! Argh! I already paid for this crap once!

Cassie's favorite memory was when she was defending her life against Superboy and thinking about his dick in her mouth.

Superboy's favorite memory was when the Titans saved his life because they're idiots.

Red Robin's favorite memory was probably the night he fucked all the female members of the Teen Titans but he doesn't reveal it to the others.

And then the Titans discover that Red Robin had been keeping tabs on them and researching them before he met them because he had to develop a plan to get them to all work together! The kind of plan only one person in the entire Omniverse could ever come up with:

Harvest! See? Tim and Harvest make plans in exactly the same way because, like I said three or four years ago, Harvest is future Tim Drake after he's become an immortal vampire, lived for one thousand years, and then traveled back in time to make sure the Teen Titans were created so that Tim could become Harvest! And so forth, and so on.

Red Robin is still under the delusion that Harvest is just a guy from the future who lost his son because of a war against superhumans or something. But that's what Harvest needs Tim Drake to think or else Tim Drake might avoid becoming a vampire and ruining his chance at becoming Harvest! Look, Harvest's back story has changed a number of times so don't think I'm crazy sticking to the Red Robin is actually Harvest hypothesis! It all fits if you know where to look! It's all just part of Harvest's ultimate and best plan ever!

Harvest says Kon was meant to be with him and not the Titans. The Titans deny it because they love him! But then Kon finally gets to tell everybody what he thinks. Bah. Why would they care? Who asks their gun if it wants to shoot the intruder?!

Cassie is totally thinking about Kon's dick in her mouth.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A-ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my god. I can't breathe. Ha ha ha ha ha! This is meant to be funny, right? I knew Scott Lobdell liked to write comedy but I never realized he could be so good at it! This is hilarious stuff!

Tim forgets about that thing where all the Titans have done horrible stuff because they thought they were doing the right thing and declares he's going to do the right thing and go against Kon's wishes. He's going to make sure Kon fights against Harvest instead of giving in and going with him. I really wish he wouldn't. Whenever Superboy is in a comic book, the comic book becomes all about Superboy. That might not be a bad thing except Superboy has no story and no character. He's just a guy who ruins everybody's day while they try to hug him. Just let him go already. He's an albatross!

Some friend! He wouldn't even tell you that his name was Tim! I have no idea how everybody eventually learned it.

To illustrate my point how Superboy is a parasite who just keeps ruining this title, I just realized that I've been saving all of my scans for this critique as "Superboy12a.jpg" and "Superboy12b.jpg"! As I was writing the HTML, I was linking to "TT12a.jpg" and "TT12b.jpg". But I just noticed after saving the last scan that I was saving all my scans as Superboy images. Reading Scott Lobdell comic books causes brain damage!

Superboy flies away and hopefully out of the DC You forever. He needs some serious revisions before he attempts to come back. And Harvest tells the Teen Titans that they joined together out of fear of each other which totally makes sense for no reasons but still makes them all feel bad and angsty and pouty.

And that's the end of this issue. What happened to The Elite and Manchester Black and Raven and Bunker and Changeling and the prison break and Despero and that Powers guy and Klarion and the last eleven issues of this comic book? Fuck you. Don't worry about it.

Teen Titans #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess the celebration of the end of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans run was premature. But at least I celebrated every single day over the last year and a half, never once taking for granted my time without a Teen Titans comic book with Scott Lobdell at the helm. I pity all of those fans who took the time for granted and never embraced the beauty of that time. I have a feeling that I might be to blame for Scott Lobdell's return to the Teen Titans. Somebody at DC probably missed my scathing critiques of Lobdell's work on this comic book and realized they couldn't live without them. So I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm sorry I'm so good at tearing apart Scott Lobdell's writing on the Teen Titans. This one's on me.

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Chip Kidd needs to work on measuring out half of each cover. It's his fault my lines don't meet up!

Here we go again! I'm about to shit all over Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes even though I really enjoyed the last issue! I'll never admit to it! Except in that last sentence. So don't read that sentence again! And it would be best for all involved if you forgot all about it.

Last issue ended with 30th Century Metropolis being invaded by Atomic Knights and huge Dalmatians. This issue will probably be 24 pages of Superboy crying about Krypto. I hope it isn't that many. I hope at least a few pages are spent on Superboy and Ayla fucking.

This issue begins quite seriously with the Atomic Knight Gardner reminding his Atomic Wench how the super-heroes failed to save the world from nuclear annihilation and how he huddled in a bunker for 18 whole days waiting for the bombardment to end. Eighteen days?! What a nightmare! I'm not being sarcastic! How did he not go insane? I flip the fuck out when a web page takes a few seconds too long to load! The mood is somber and dark and Gardner accepts that he must go murder these super-heroes to save his world. And the heroes deserve it for failing the world so many years ago. So he dons his armor, marches outside, and climbs onto a gigantic dog.

Why does Stuart Moore hate people who aren't crying?!

This memory of Superboy's will probably tie into the theme later. Or else Stuart Moore is just a jerk and he likes to make readers feel bad. Maybe Ayla's neck will be broken in the upcoming fight and Superman will grab an axe and be all, "We'll, we don't want her to suffer!" WHACK! Then Brainiac 5 will be all, "NO! It's the 30th century, you 4th Level Intellect! Remember what I just told you earlier in the story?! She just needed a Broken Neck Patch!"

Superboy returns from his memory as Gardner the Atomic Knight is all, "Surrender or we release the plague!" And Superboy is all, "We surrender!" But Brainiac 5 is all, "Don't you know anything, you 5th Level Intellect?! They can't kill us with a plague! We've cured everything in the 30th Century!" And Superboy is all, "Those horses remind me of Krypto! Waaaaaah!"

Sunboy or Orange Shirt Lad or Inappropriate Time For Jokes Kid makes a Monty Python crack about the Atomic Knights. That warrants a laser blast to the face and the fight is on!

While the lower level intellects brawl, Brainiac 5 and an Atomic Knight named Sir Smartnerd work together to try to interpret the strange message they both received from Planet Brainiac.

Penetra-vision makes my butt hurt!

The Legion can't figure out how to combine their powers to defeat knights in armor with lasers so they just get their asses handed to them. Gardner threatens to shoot Invisible Kid in the head if Superboy doesn't surrender but Superboy is all, "I don't see any Invisible Kid! Go ahead and pull the trigger! *snicker*" And Invisible Kid is too unconscious to say, "Mon dieu!"

Wildfire shows up to save the day because he's not dead anymore. Once the dome disappeared he was finally able to put his clothes back on so that he can have a human form.

Losing his hostage, Atomic Knight Gardner resorts to a different threat. He's got a jar of Morticoccus! That sounds like a terrible Off-Broadway musical that I really want to go see now.

I make that tough not-killing decision every hour I'm out in the public! I'm a hero!

The Atomic Knights make peace with the Legion of Super-heroes because they're brave or something. Brainiac and Sir Smartnerd arrive to tell everybody that they discovered Planet Brainiac is transitioning from one reality to another. That's when the earthquake hits, signaling the nearing end of this story. And Superboy and Ayla haven't even copulated yet.

Close enough. I guess. I'm so unsatisfied!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes #2 Rating: This story was more like the Superboy and Legion of Super-heroes that I'm used to: bland! Even the kiss between Superboy and Ayla was disappointing. They're young! They should be grinding their crotches together as they smooch! I wonder if the Legion Flight Rings come with Chastity Fields? This issue scored Five Horse Dogs out of Ten.

Divergence: Teen Titans
"The Titans must uncover the truth behind Superboy's crimes -- or they all might end up serving time with their former teammate."

This issue begins with the Teen Titans sparring with the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron. Kid Flash is back from the future prison planet he and Solstice had been imprisoned on because that plot was dumb and Scott Lobdell fucked everything up. So now Bart is back and we're all just going to forget about what an awful Marvel character Scott Lobdell turned him into in the last Teen Titans run, aren't we? Just like we're going to try to forget the horror of Ann Nocenti's Klarion since he's joined this comic book. I guess Solstice doesn't get a second chance though? Why would Bart leave her in the future?! Weren't they in love?

Oh wait! I'm probably supposed to think that never happened. I'm probably supposed to be super excited about all the new young characters joining this book and ignore all of the past problems Scott Lobdell created by sodomizing the Teen Titans against their will for three long years. Is this New DC Comics spectacular supposed to freshen up the Titans? Are we pretending Scott Lobdell's run never happened? It'll be hard for me to let it all go because it left scars but I can try!

This short story finally has Red Robin realizing that he made a mistake jumping immediately into bed with Manchester Black. Tim wants nothing to do with STAR Labs now because they want to hunt down Superboy and lock him up. Tim and the other Titans want to help Superboy and figure out what happened with all the murders he's being blamed for. Wonder Girl and Power Girl are siding with Black so they've joined the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron with Kid Flash and Klarion and The Guardian and probably the Legion of Newsboys.

So that's the setup for the Titans near future. Two sets of Titans at odds with each other. Genius Manchester Black facing off against Genius Harvest Red Robin. Kid Flash back from the prison planet of Takron-Galtos without Solstice. Skitters still missing in action because her character was an awful idea. And a whole bunch of crap I'll probably lose interest in rather quickly. Teen Titans, you are on notice! Will you be the first DC Comics book I drop when the universe soft reboots? I hope so!

Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.

Typical.

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1

Superboy and Legion of Super-Hero fans should stop reading right now!

I do not like Superboy. I do not like the Legion of Super-Heroes. Not because I've read every single issue of everything they've ever been in and come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good. It's the exact opposite of that! I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in (besides that Superboy story where he has to always have an extra candle on his cake and the New 52 Legion stuff. But I can't count those or else I can't say that I've never read any fucking issue of anything that these characters have ever been in!) and I've come to the logical conclusion that none of it is very good.

I know there are, for some ungodly reason, die hard fans of these characters. But this commentary isn't for you! I've tried to shield y'all once by telling you to stop reading! This is your final warning! I mean it! If you do, for some self-flagellating reason, decide to keep reading and subsequently get pissed off because I refer to Superboy as a fucking douche nozzle drenched in post-coital cummy vaginal residue for the sixth time in one paragraph, just remember that I warned you. I fucking warned you to stay away! Sometimes dead is better! You reap what you sow! The soil in a man's heart is stonier! This ground is sour! Fuck off, ayuh!

I once wrote a commentary on Voodoo where I mentioned I knew nothing about the Wildstorm Universe and said that I was drunk (which I was). I then proceeded to insult the fuck out of Wildstorm fans. Maybe I started off insulting the fans? Who can remember? I was drunk! But then I got called out for using broad strokes to describe a group of people that I admittedly said I knew nothing about. I subsequently felt bad (for unknown reasons). I no longer feel bad. If somebody reads this blog, which is often all over the fucking place, and enjoys 98% of it but can't keep reading because of the 2% that pissed them off, well...um...I'll change! I won't write that thing that offended you anymore! I'm sorry!

No! No! I must stand by every single thing I say no matter how facetious or silly or nonsensical! Every single thing I write in this blog is fucking fact! Wildstorm fans are drunk male lunatics that fist pump in the air after every page of shitty ass narration boxing by Grifter! Superboy fans are oversensitive whiny jerks who bitch at me for using the Superboy tag when I'm writing about Superboy! Because obviously the tag is meant only for their slash fan-fiction roleplaying jerkfests! Fans of the Legion of Super-Heroes are probably a lot like me because I imagine Legion read a lot like a Degrassi Junior High comic book and I probably would have loved that in my junior high school years when I still could feel love! But now I'm a dried up old angry bitter shell of a human being and if you ever think anything I write seems jolly, fun, or whimsical, you're wrong! I'm dead inside and I hate everything except hating things!

This issue begins with a new Fight Card! Of course it does! Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes being trapped in Pre-Crisis 20th Century Gotham City would be ridiculous even for a comic book! So instead, this issue takes place in Pre-Crisis 30th Century Metropolis! And they only have one enemy: The Atomic Knights of Durvale and their Dalmatian Fuck Buddies!

Did everybody else read this in Robin Williams' voice?

Oh! Oh! I know who you are and what you stand for! You're Superboy and you're a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E!

This Superboy was actually a living weapon created by Jor-el and female Jor-el. See, back in the Silver Age, writers wrote a lot of crazy shit. And one of the things they loved to write were kid versions of adult characters. Sometimes they'd make a new character as a legacy character. But other times they'd just write stories from the adult character's past. And sometimes, they'd fuck up and mix up the two so that a child character that was initially about the adult character somehow became a legacy character! I'm looking at you, Wonder Girl!

Was the creative team for this book chosen as some kind of Alan Moore spell to end the drought in California? Moore. Storms. Farmer? Maybe if we all read it at the same time, we'll succeed in casting the Weather Spell! Let's all promise to read the names of these characters on Saturday the 9th at noon PST, okay?! We'll change the world!

Yeah, dude. It's been 342 days and you've probably been telling them the same thing every fucking day, you fucking douche nozzle drenched in cummy post-coital vaginal residue!

Superboy spends a few pages telling everybody where every single fucking Legion member has been spending the last year. I think that means this is the only Convergence series that will be a 12 issue maxi-series instead of a 2 issue mini.

Superboy ends his speech by playing the Krypton card once more. Boo hoo! You lost your home world! You understand more than anybody what it's like to lose everything! Wah wah wah!

Oh wait. I think he's telling that story to be uplifting and inspiring and not to be a whiny little buttsniff. Sorry, Superdouche!

I just had a revelation! You know who might be the real superdouche?! ME! I know, right?! Mind blown! Enlightenment! Emotional growth!

Dude. She wants your dick in her mouth. Or her vagina in yours. I'm not entirely sure which one but you should at least stick around to find out!

The next page causes me to take a time out because it punches below the belt. Fucking asshole writers. When Superman says he misses Ma and Pa Kent, I don't give a shit. Big fucking deal. When he says he misses Lana, I take a moment to stick my finger way up my ass to get a nice, comforting scratch in there. But when he sits down and one long tear drops from his eye and he says, "I miss my dog," well...fuck you, comic book. Fuck you right in the fucking comic book face! I won't allow you to get me to empathize with Superboy! So I'm going to go in the other room and pretend it was something other than this comic book that made me cry! Fucker.

Okay! I'm back! I tore out the offending page so that I never have to accidentally read it again and flushed it down the toilet! Then I called a plumber. Then I sat through a lecture from the plumber about flushing comic book pages down the toilet. Then I had to console the plumber, who just had to read the page he fished out of the toilet, as he wept about his childhood pet Budgie. Then I had to blow him because I didn't have the money to pay the bill. Then I had to rinse out my mouth and brush my teeth. And then I came back to continue reading!

Invisible Kid interrupts Superboy's baby time crying jag by saying, "Mon ami?" Hey, Kid! This is 30th Century America! Learn Interlac already!

Invisible Kid and a fraction of the other Legion members need Superboy's help to go smash through the wall of Brainiac's lab.

Nobody in comic books has any respect for architecture. Or they just don't know that doors and windows open.

Brainiac 5 informs the others that he was just having a moment with his cousin or son or twin or whatever, Planet Brainiac. He then insults their intelligence which is hilarious because they're all 9th Level Intellects while he's a 12th Level Intellect! But 9th Level Intellects are smart enough to know they're smart so they don't yell back, "I am not stupid!", like stupid people would. Calling stupid people stupid is the best insult because they're not smart enough to not care about being called stupid by some arrogant asshole and they get super pissed off about it.

After Brainiac 5 shoos everybody out of his lab, Lightning Lass continues to hit on Superboy by telling him a story about her ex, Timber Wolf. The story is less about how she always thought she'd see him again and more about reminding Superboy that she's available for a pleasant afternoon of face fucking.

She's touching your ass, Clark! Go for it!

If Stuart Moore were to ever read this commentary, I bet he'd be screaming at me, "Pay attention to the theme of loss and loneliness, you oversexed dolt! Forget about the soap opera drama!" Unless he'd actually think, "I'm so happy somebody noticed how wet Lightning Lass was in all of these scenes!"

Lightning Lass gets tired of beating around her bush, so she comes right out and tells Superman to stop crying about his losses and maybe focus on the tons of sex standing right in front of him.

I realize she's gotten serious here but I can't stop giggling at just about every image on the page. The soldier with two eye patches. Darkseid taking a hard, dry shit. Murder Lad beating Karate Kid to death as the Kid sucks him off. Lightning Lass caught in the moment with her eyes half closed. Lightning Lass's sock puppet expression as she's tortured by her brother. It's all so good!

And then Superboy finally gets the fucking hint! He gets all the hints!

Stupid powers returning ruined a good fuck moment. Although now I'm curious. Will getting Lightning Lass sexually aroused short out her powers? FWASH!

Oh! Here's some kind of weird hang-up that I have (as slight as it is): I can write all day about guys getting boners and hard-ons and chubbies and stiffies and rebar pants and pitching tents and swollen nymphloads and all that without thinking twice about it. But it always seems a bit vulgar to mention a woman getting wet! Obviously it doesn't stop me from doing it. I don't have a problem with either but whereas a boner seems G-Rated, an aroused and self-lubricated vagina seems NC-17! Deliciously NC-17!

This is the first time I read this speech after reading it nearly five hundred times so far where it sounded like a catchy vaudevillian tune in my head! I think the curvy font helps!

Colossal Boy and Phantom Lass show up to really ruin the sexy mood. I mean, I think it was killed after Planet Brainiac's speech but just in case, they arrive to piss and shit all over it. And once Ayla gets her lightning powers back, it's like nothing ever happened! And like she wants Superboy to believe the moment is lost because she refers to him--explicitly and purposefully and other words that mean she totally fucking italicized it--as Superboy! What the hell?! Am I reading that vibe wrong?!

Once the team gathers together to come up with a plan, Brainiac 5 tells them that he received a message prior to the one they all heard. The planet said to him, "We are here, but soon we will be there." You probably remember that from one of the previous scans. Anyway, he mentions that the speech patterns are vaguely familiar. Ha ha! He's going to be in for a surprise, amirite?

While the team discusses what the plan of attack will be and who decides on the plan of attack and who the leader is anyway, The Atomic Knights roll into town on the backs of their gigantic Dalmatians. They don't seem to be killing or slaughtering yet so maybe everybody will talk this one out, right?

Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #1 Rating: I really fucking enjoyed everything about this issue. Shut up.

Convergence: Superboy #1

Everybody put on their leather jackets in solidarity!

The New 52 Superboy has been a complete disaster. But I don't know if Pre-Zero Hour Superboy was really any better. I'm not one to judge because I never followed the post-Death of Superman story. Every now and then I'd ask somebody, "What the fuck is up with that Steel guy?" Or "Who the hell is that Cyborg guy?" Or "Seriously? Superboy in a leather jacket?" Or "Have the Newsboy Legion returned to keep Metropolis safe while Superman rots in the ground?" And then not long after that, I was all, "What the fuck is up with electric Superman?" and "Red and Blue whatzits now?!"

Seriously. I didn't follow Superman at all. The only reason I collected the DC Comics Presents series was because I liked reading about different characters and that was the best DC Comics book on the shelf at the time to read stories based on a variety of characters. They often weren't the best stories but what could you do? If you wanted well written comic books at the time, you needed to be reading Cerebus and Elfquest.

This issue is written by Fabian Nicieza so it's going to be horrible! Although the last Convergence issue he did, Titans #1, wasn't bad at all. That was disappointing. I hope he tried less on this issue.

For the first time since The New 52 began, a Superboy comic book doesn't begin with "My name is Superboy" and then all that shit about NOWHERE and being a living weapon. Yes, I'm exaggerating. There were a few issues that didn't begin that way. But not enough to matter.

For the last year, Dubbilex and Serling have been running tests on Superboy in an effort to return his powers to him. A full year with no results. This probably says a lot about me and nothing about Dubbilex and Serling but I would have quit after a week. And not even a full week! A work week! Then I'd be out of that lab and off playing with stray cats.

This is why I would have quit after a week. They probably knew all this shit after the first week and now just keep going back over it again and again. Don't they know there are stray cats to play with?!

Does anybody want to buy a slightly used copy of Convegence: Superboy #1? I left it squashed up in the scanner over night and the humidity from my office full of farts has warped it somewhat. Plus it's been read by me and has my DNA all over it, so super find, really! Eventually when science catches up to our imaginations, you'll be able to clone me from my DNA left on a copy of a comic book about a clone! Then instead of waiting weeks for me to type up a commentary about a comic book that you've read only to find I made one joke that wasn't even really a joke but I made a comment about how it was a crappy joke which was the only way you knew it was a joke, you could have your own clone of me sitting around making hilarious comments about the comic books you buy! Although I might say some really racist and sexist stuff as well. And don't introduce me to your mother because I will be getting into those panties.

And when I say my DNA is in this comic book, don't assume I shot a load over Superboy in tight pants. I was jerking it to super straight heterosexual pornography and the comic book just happened to be in my firing range.

Ugh! Why do old people think young people want to listen to them ramble?!

How come nobody has started a Medical Magic Mushrooms movement? I'm constantly bothered by these nagging aches in reality.

The comic book takes a surprise twist when the dome falls and Superboy regains his powers And then Telos declares a competition will take place between the cities he's collected. Oh! I get it now! Why didn't every other comic book make it clear that all of these things were linked together?!

I feel like Luthor now but does everybody all the time have to proclaim that they might see a bird in the sky? Is it that fucking surprising to see a bird fly by? Or an airplane? Who are these easily amazed assholes? And another thing: do people in real life point at shit as often as people in comic books do?

As soon as the dome falls, Kingdom Come's champions instantly infiltrate Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis. Sure, they have The Flash on their side so I guess I'll believe it. But Planet Brainiac leaves the whole competition thing pretty vague. I'm surprised how quickly so many champions know exactly what they're supposed to be doing. That surprise could just come from being a lousy adult that doesn't know how to organize anything. When terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, I was less shocked and upset by the death and destruction as I was impressed that they could organize something like that. Man, if I were in charge of the world...well, Magic Mushrooms would be medicine, for one thing.

Superboy is ambushed by Red Robin (the Dick one not the Harvest one) who smothers him with kryptonite gas and kicks him in the face. After that, Red Robin suggests that they talk instead of fight. I don't know. I think once you've kicked me in the face, I'm not exactly going to give a shit about your opinions on anything. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Superboy might feel differently though since he's probably been punched in the face by Supergirl for no reason on multiple occasions.

Superboy does that tactile telekinesis thing that always sounds a bit pervy to me and knocks some buildings on The Flash and Red Robin. But that's when Kingdom Come Superman arrives to suggest that they work together to save both of their Metropolises. Kingdom Come Superman has an inherent distrust for youthful heroes without patience or any idea of responsibility. Which makes one wonder, then, why he decides to taunt Superboy instead of acting like the adult and saying something encouraging like, "I need your help, Superboy of another world! Will you kick at my side not as a sidekick but as a peer and lover?" Okay, maybe he might want to leave out the lover part since young men are prone to fits of homophobic discomfort.

Superman's line sounds like copy from a NAMBLA pamphlet.

Convergence: Superboy #1 Rating: Not a bad attempt at a Zero Hour era Superboy story. Although I'd prefer not to have Dubbilex telling me what he's thinking the whole time. Get out of my head, telepath! I'd much rather hear Superboy's thoughts about how he can never live up to the legend that is Superman and how he totally wishes he could fuck that woman that he passed by or that other woman that he passed by just now or that woman coming up that he's about to pass by or the other women across the street or the ones he remembered thinking about wanting to fuck the day before and the women that he'll meet tomorrow. Here's a glimpse inside the mind of Superboy who is really Superteenagedboy: "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Meat-lovers Pizza (not gay man meat, of course! Pshaw! Sheesh! Yuck!). Sex sex sex sex sex sex! Popeye's biscuits! Sex sex sex sex sex sex! When am I going to have sex?! Or Popeyes!?"

Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Supergirl #39

Harley seems super excited to see Kara's Kryptonian Sunstone collection.

I'm sure most of you are wondering why I didn't come up with a dirty caption for this cover. Well, fuck you. I did! You just don't remember the issues of Supergirl where she was floating in the clouds sticking sun crystals in her vagina. Don't take it from me though! Supergirl's quite forthcoming about her use of the sunstones!

I assure you that this panel has not been changed by me. Probably.

And here she is powering up her FWASH! ability.

Look how veiny it is!

This seems like a not very apt time to point out that I've been crying a lot lately. Probably the reason I'm falling behind on my commentaries again. I almost started crying in Starbucks yesterday morning which would have been really embarrassing because the staff seems to be the kind of people that would have pointed at me and laughed. Maybe one would have even come out from behind the espresso maker and kicked me in the groin for good measure. I probably still would have tipped them.

It's not like I've been avoiding doing commentaries because I think my laptop will short out from all the snot dripping down my face. It's just that I've been playing a lot of Magic the Gathering on the Xbox because it keeps my mind off of my stupid dead cat and his stupid dumb dying like a dumb dumb. That was four months ago anyway, so fuck him! I should go dig him up and spit on him! Will that make me feel better?!

If anybody wants to challenge me to a game of Xbox One Magic the Gathering, send me a friend request which I swear I probably won't totally ignore. My Xbox Live name is The Red Lizard.

You know what feature I miss in these Supergirl commentaries? That part where I ended with a picture of her bum! I'm going to start doing that again because she has the cutest bum in The New 52 (way better than Grayson's. I'll fight anybody that thinks different). I stopped doing it because Supergirl had a string of issues without a good bum shot. But Goddamn it, I'm going to make sure it happens from here on out!

Currently, Supergirl and her friends found themselves on a mission for their school, The Crucible. It turns out the mission was to recover Superboy. Kara isn't quite sure she likes the sound of that. But Maxima, not being a super villain at all yet, assures Kara that the Preceptor of the academy would never send them on an horrible, evil, despicable mission.

Hmm. Maybe I should start a "Maxima's Breasts" feature too!

The Crucible isn't anything like it appears to be! Don't trust Maxima! Trust your adorable poochy little gut, Kara! Never fight for the institution! You've already seen that some of the students have rebelled against the school. Maybe you should investigate that! Figure out what that shit is all about.

Superboy decides to go along with Maxima because look at her breasts! I'd go too! It's impossible for a guy to come to a rational conclusion when breasts like that are in eyesight. It's a medical fact! I think it was proven in last May's Neurosurgeons and Asses Monthly. Don't scoff. It's a peer reviewed journal!

Supergirl remains behind to cradle Comet's head in her lap in much the same way that Swamp Thing once cradled Superman's head in his lap in DC Presents #85 by Moore and Veitch.

Back at The Crucible, Preceptor Amata talks to herself about her plans for the good of the academy and its students, so maybe I was wrong about the institution not being on the up and up. Why would she lie in a monologue to herself? It's the only time I'll believe a character! Plus, while she's going on and on about how she shouldn't have sent students into battle nor agreed to recovering the Kryptonian clone, she's attacked by the Vice-Preceptor and Roho. Oh no! The expelled students really are working for the bad guys! And the bad guys are the one guy, Vice-Preceptor Napoleon Complex!

Back on Earth, Supergirl decides to take Comet to the worst place on Earth: Mike-hole's apartment. Ugh! She's still hung up on that piece of shit?! Kara bangs on his front door after midnight and Mike's mom yells to keep it down from up the stairs where Mike-hole isn't allowed to go or else why wouldn't they get a ramp or an elevator? Kara decides to leave Comet in Mike-hole's bed while she goes back to The Crucible. Mike is all, "Sure, whatever! Please ignore my huge fucking boner that I can't cover up because I'm handicapped." And Supergirl is all, "Your arms work fine, Mike. I saw you undo your fly under the blanket." Then she opens up the portal and goes back to school leaving Comet in Mike-hole's bed.

I hope this is where Mike-hole discovers he's gay so he stops hitting on my Supergirl!

Kara heads back to The Crucible where she finds everybody locked in their rooms due to a new mandatory curfew. Vice-Preceptor Short Stuff instituted that policy pretty efficiently. This is a kind of college, right? What college student doesn't organize five dozen different protests when any thing they're used to changes at their school? What college student who is used to studying in the anti-grav lobby all night, getting cookie crumbs and diet milk all over the walls and ceiling just rolls over and agrees to a brand new curfew?! I suppose the laser wielding flying robot sentries are more efficient at instituting rules than human campus security guards.

Immediately upon her return (after a brief battle), Supergirl is captured by Roho and Vice-Preceptor Slughead. Instead of killing her like every other supervillain also wouldn't, the Vice-Preceptor decides to tell her his plans. You know, in much the same way every other supervillain would. His plan (as if anybody reading this doesn't already know)? Clone Superboy! And probably everybody else at the school. Because everybody knows that once you create a clone, the clone is no longer a sentient individual but a cheap, homemade imitation that can be used like a jerk off towel and thrown away when it's gotten too yellow and crusty. Even the good guys in Star Wars were all, "Clones have no rights! Fuck 'em! Nobody will even notice if one clone out of a thousand dies!" Although that one clone is all, "No, please! I want to live! I have a wife and family back home! I mean, the person I was cloned from does but they're in my memories as my wife and kids and that's like totally the same thing from my point of view! Also, I'm a fucking person, right? What the hell?! Just because I look like 999 other guys, it's okay to throw my life away?! Holy shit, where do I sign up for Stormtrooper school?!" And everybody standing around knew it would be too awkward to point out that the stormtroopers were just more clones just like him and the universe was involved in a huge bloodbath of pretty much brother against brother. Or self against self? Or something.

I really don't know my Star Wars canon and I've only seen each prequel once, so I probably got all of that wrong. But it feels right and doing and saying what feels right is life here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea territory! This is the safest place to have feelings! Unless those feelings are negative and directed at me and then you can just fuck off!

Supergirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is my favorite comic book. It might be because I'm in love with Supergirl and I'm reading it with gigantic heart-shaped eyeballs. Although they really should get rid of that awful Mike character. Why would Supergirl be into a psychopathic pedophile dog rapist? I don't have any proof that he's any of those things but I can tell he's probably most of those. He's a dick.

Supergirl #38

Lesson Two: Women's inner thighs cannot touch.

Yesterday on Jeopardy, they had one of my dream categories with Through the Looking Glass. And the daily double was in the category! The jerk that hit the daily double had eleven thousand dollars and he barely wagered anything. I would have made it a true daily double because that's what you have to do when it's in one of your dream categories. The questions weren't even very obscure and really could have been figured out by just the clues in the question and most people's general knowledge of the story. I could have answered them in my sleep which is very nearly what I did. I had been napping on the couch when I woke up because I kept hearing the contestants choose from the Alice in Wonderland category. But then Alex would read the answers and they had nothing to do with the book. I woke up enough to realize the category was "Allison Wonderland" and the answers were about people named Allison. But then they went on to the Through the Looking Glass category and proceeded to fuck up all the answers. One guy asked "Who is The Mad Hatter?" when the question was "Who is Humpty Dumpty?" And one woman asked "Who is Tweedledee and Tweedledum?" when the question was "Who is the Mad Hatter and the March Hare?" And none of them even buzzed in on the one about Alice's cat Dinah! The question to the Daily Double was "What is Jabberwocky?" which is what I would have guessed even before hearing the answer given by Alex because duh!

This issue begins with Superboy reminding us who he is because it's been a long time since a comic book began with his introduction. He's busy visiting a comic book convention in Rome where some sicko is cosplaying the insane murderer Harley Quinn. I get cosplaying the fictional insane murderer Harley Quinn. But cosplaying her when she's a real killer in your universe? Seems a bit icky.

But forget about Superboy! He's only interesting when he's being a living weapon! And currently, that's Supergirl's job! Or maybe it's just one of her classes. She and her study group were sent off to Tsavo's world to quell an insurrection. That means she and her friends are fighting for the man! I bet that's the wrong side to be on! Isn't it always?

Uh oh, Tsavo! You'd better stop and listen to your brother!

So the ex-Crucible students were kicked out for not following orders. I bet those orders were about murdering babies! So they were all, "No way! We won't murder babies!" And The Crucible was all, "But they're babies that will grow up to be evil men and women! We got this note from a Future Dean that totally proves those babies are scumbags!" And the smart-ass, soon-to-be-expelled students were all, "Well if you saw they were scumbags in the future then you know we aren't going to murder them for you!" And The Crucible was all, "Oh, you know, that really makes sense. No wonder Future Dean said there was no record of you guys graduating! Um, you're expelled for not following orders!" And the Crucible students were all, "Oh man! My parents are going to be so pissed!"

Tsavo's brother and his rebellious friends flee from Supergirl and her friends even though they had the upper hand. I don't think they actually care about fomenting rebellion on Tsavo's homeworld. I think their primary concern is destroying The Crucible. Probably because it's evil and they're the only ones that know it's evil and nobody will believe them and they're all like, "ARGH! Why won't anybody believe us?! It's so unfair that people are always asking for proof!"

Anyway, Supergirl and her friends (the good guys that are kind of the bad guys because they're tying to stop the good guys (maybe!)) follow Roho (Tsavo's brother, remember?) and his friends to Earth.

Supergirl is lucky Supergirl didn't punch herself in the face.

Supergirl soon discovers that Roho is after Superboy. Supergirl is all, "Superboy?!" And Superboy is all, "Supergirl?!" And everybody else is all, "What fucking unimaginative names!"

Hopefully Roho and his friends are the bad guys because the first thing Comet does when the battle begins is to explode Rock Lobster's head. It's pretty disgusting. And possibly delicious.

Then Maxima puts a mental dagger in Rendll's throat. Then Superboy is all, "I don't need your help!" And Supergirl is all, "Boys!" And then Supergirl bends over.

Hey! No pictures of my sweet girl's bum!

Once again, Roho and his friends flee. Supergirl has begun to doubt Crucible's motives so it's just a matter of time before Comet realizes he killed an innocent Lobster Person. I guess he's going to have to die before this story arc is over. Can't let heroes with blood on their hands live. Unless her name is Lois Lane and she was possessed by Brainiac, that is.

Comet might die sooner than I thought! He's dying right now and Maxima will only transport everybody back to the Crucible if they bring Superboy along. She had a secret mission to get the clone before Roho got the clone. But Supergirl needs more answers before she jumps back onto the wrong side of this conflict, so she'd rather punch Maxima in the tits than give up Superboy and save Comet. I guess Comet should have been cuter.

Oh boy! My penis can't wait for this fight! I mean, I can't wait to see who is the better, um, combatant! P.S. I think Superboy and Comet are going to touch penises. A lot.

Supergirl #38 Rating: No change. I love looking at Emanuela Lupacchino's Supergirl. I think I swooned like eighteen times while reading this. And swooned means exactly what you think it means. My office is a mess!