Secret Origins #8

Featuring Dick's greatest mid-air poses!

Grayson
We were already told Dick Grayson's Secret Robin Origin. How much more do we need to learn? Are they just going to recap Forever Evil? Will we get to see how Batman coerced Dick into leaving behind everybody he loved to pretend that he was dead and join the amoral organization known as Spyral? All to simply protect Batman's secret identity?

And now after two and a half hours of Comcast Xfinity Gateway bullshit funtime wrist slashing party entertainment, I'm not in any mood to read my comic book! And yet I have to clear the stack because DC Comics has ignored all of my pleas to lighten the schedule and release fewer books per month. In fact, they've increased their book count! It's as if they have no respect for me! No! It's like they have anti-respect for me! What is that? Disrespect? Animosity? That feeling that makes people in video games do that thing after they kill another player where they squat up and down on their face?

DC, if you do not reduce the number of books you publish per month, I will no longer publicly enjoy any of your product! I'm going to remember, as I read each comic book, how I feel every time I hear or read or think the word "Comcast." Hell, even the individual letters in the name are beginning to piss me off! Is it possible to write a review without any "O"s or "A"s?

So this asshole named Dick Grayson was just this guy, you know? And then he had a secret origin! And everybody was aghast! Or thrilled. There was much rejoicing! Or complaining.

Thanks for the unasked for English lesson, you condescending twat. Hey! Did you know "twat" has two definitions?!

Granted, Helena was talking to an irascible, possibly petulant, teenaged student of Saint Hadrian's Finishing School. She also could have been a different adjective than the two I used since she really didn't say much. It's also probable she may have been an employee of the school instead of a student since her clothing didn't look like a school uniform. She also could have been a male instead of a female because I never saw her face.

Matron Bertinelli enters into the Eye of the Spiderweb. That's just a cool way of saying Spyral. As she travels through Spyral's Black Lodge inspired halls, a voice constantly reminds her where she's at. It's all very silly and whimsical so that we get the sense that Mr. Minos has a good sense of humor. That's why I couldn't call Spyral an evil organization earlier. They're just an amoral bunch of pranksters trying to have a good time while maybe making a bit of money, growing in power, and quenching their thirst for world domination. See? They're not all bad.

I bet if you walk through the halls of Comcast, it would sound like entering System Shock. "Look at you, customer. A pathetic creature of meat and bone. Panting and screaming as you run down my corridors. How can you challenge a perfect, immortal monopoly?" One time I called up Comcast Customer Service to troubleshoot a problem on my router and a harsh, computerized female voice said, "Your flesh is an insult to the perfection of the digital." Then they hung up and I not only still had router problems but cancer as well. Comcast is the worst!

Helena Bertinelli nominated Dick Grayson to be her new partner after the loss of Agent 25. That was probably her old partner! Her reasons for nominating him are that he's a super hero, he worked with Batman, he has no other familial contacts, and he has a superb, tight, supremely fit, unblemished twenty-one year old ass.

And now we know why Barbara never stood a chance! Let this be a lesson to all you young girls reading this: when you have a crush on a guy, put out immediately or you'll lose him!

That was an interesting page! The Teen Titans did exist before The New 52 Teen Titans existed! They just never came up with a stupid name for their occasional team-ups! Well, Arsenal probably did. Constantly. "We should call ourselves 'The Sex Busters!' No wait, that sounds like we stop sex. How about the 'Youthful Youngsters'? No wait, that's dumber than a sidekick named 'Speedy.' Hey, Dick? You know what that fancy blue and yellow costume needs? A huge fucking collar!"

Helena mentions some other things that would make Dick Grayson a suitable replacement for Agent 25 (who was, admittedly, pretty fucking cool himself! He must have been! His Agent number reads the same upside down as downside up!), like how everybody thinks he's dead and how he isn't dead at all, actually. But Mister Minos has other ideas! Mean ideas! Horrible murdery ideas!

So Dick was present for the entire, um, presentation? So he knows Spyral knows Batman is Bruce Wayne! Mission accomplished? I think?

Without hesitation, Helena puts a crossbow bolt in Dick's forehead. Because surprise! It wasn't really Dick! So mission no longer accomplished! See, it was a ruse! A misdirection! A speculative chicanery! Ha ha! Oh, Mister Spyral! You're a card! A cut-up! A comedian of caliber unmeasured! And because Helena did not hesitate to kill Dick Grayson, she's allowed to have Dick as her pet. Erm, partner!

Mister Spyral (I'll call him that if I want to call him that!) has a good sense of irony. Or something.

And then Dick accepts because Batman told him to accept! And it's happily ever after between Dick and Helena even though Helena doesn't have red hair.

Just give me a monthly title of Batman and Robin stories told from Dick's point of view! Remember when DC Comics was putting the "fun" back into Cofunmic books?! Maybe their slogan was just "We've Made Comics Fun Again." I like mine better.

Grayson Secret Origin Rating: +4 Ranking. I remember when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. But that was way back when I only knew him in Marv Wolfman's Titans books. Then I missed out on all the comic books where Batman began treating him like an equal and Dick took the mantle of Batman and fucked around with Damian night after night. But because of The New 52, Dick Grayson has become one of my favorite characters. Possibly my favorite character. Maybe. He's kind of boring since he doesn't have super powers but that's his only flaw. And it is a flaw, no matter how many of you are currently shaking your heads and saying, "No! That's what makes him so great!" I won't argue against that! But no super powers? Boring! I might as well read super hero stories starring the guy that makes my burritos for me down at Pepinos!

Animal Man
Animal Man's secret origin was that time he was tricked by the Parliament of Limbs into thinking he was being abducted by aliens so that he'd accept his power better than if a cat just came up to him and said, "Yo, dude. You're like our Avatar and shit. Stop eating meat and start sharing pictures of Pit Bulls on Facebook that claim they're no more violent than other dogs and to think so means you're a racist scumbag." I bet this origin revises that origin because if there is one thing Animal Man has a history of, it's sniffing butts. Also, it's having his origin retconned.

For being the One and Only True Hero of The Red, and being the person that saved its very existence, The Totems didn't think much of him at first, did they?

I guess that's the way when you're The One True Hero. People look at you and think, "Gah! A lowly hobbit! Bullsacks!" Or, "Really? Fucking Ted Theodore Logan? Butt trauma!" Or, "A stubborn brat of a girl that can shoot a bow? Holocaust jokes!" Maybe one even goes, "A drunken Edward Scissorhands? I didn't really see all of those pirate movies so maybe not?!"

Buddy Baker was just a lowly stand-in for the real Avatar of the Red, Maxine Baker! But if you had a little kid in charge of the animal kingdom, you'd have a lot of weird stuff going on. Like she'd probably allow penguins to fly because they seemed so sad grounded on the Earth. But she'd forget to teach them not to dive into the water from a great height and they'd break all of their little bird bones trying to catch fish and then all the penguins would be dead in a matter of minutes. And she'd probably be upset that lions and tigers were eating other animals, so she'd give them lollipops and licorice to eat and they'd all die of malnutrition. So to prevent Maxine from accidentally ending all animal life on the planet, Buddy took the job.

And eventually, Buddy's position became permanent and Maxine was free from her obligation!

And that's the end of The Red's Horatio Alger story. I hope the slug is the next Animal Man!

Animal Man Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was just a retelling of the entire Animal Man series which I'd already read! So it was of little interest to me. It could have at least given me some new information, like how long Buddy Baker's penis is and if he occasionally likes to put it inside other animals.

Katana
Dammit! I was hoping to get this commentary finished within the next half hour so I could post it before watching Gotham and then heading off to work. But that was before I realized it was about Katana and that it was written by Ann Nocenti! I can't rush this! I have to give it my full concentration! I guess I'll pause here and get back to this after work. Don't worry! You won't notice any difference! In fact, you can continue immediately with the next paragraph!

I'm back! Wasn't that a painless wait? Well, now get ready for some painlessless writing! Do two "less"es make a "ful"?

I don't remember Katana's origin. Something about a sword that steals souls and her dead husband Maseo or something. I'm sure this origin will be much more exciting and I'll, if I'm lucky, remember it forever!

The first line of Ann Nocenti's first Narration Box is "The ghost towns of the Old West." Ooh! Guess what time it is, kids!

Special Old West edition!

"Hey kids! Have you ever heard of g-g-g-g-ghost towns?! Pretty spooky, right?! Well, don't be too scared! They aren't towns full of ghosts like you might imagine! They're actually towns that died (ooooh! scary!) because the railroad passed them by or sometimes the water just up and dried up on them (funny how that happens in desert landscapes, right kids?!). And sometimes they were Boom Towns striking it rich on the gold found in mines nearby only to become Bust Towns when the mother lode stopped bearing nuggets! Sometimes they just became lawless hellholes and everybody fled! There were many ways to become a ghost town in the Old West! And just imagine the names of these towns! What's that? Oh! You don't have too! Aunt Nocenti has a list for you! Places like Grinder Gulch and Gravebone Yard and Hopeless Junction and Buzzard's Bend! Pretty exciting times! Now all you good little children take my knowledge at face value and don't go fact checking it, okay! If there's one place you can trust the truth, it's at The Knowledge Fun Farm!"

Katana is currently leading a girl possessed by a demon down some train tracks. When are they going to play poker? This story was called "Full Deck". Maybe they're going to hit a party with most of the action taking place out back on the wooden structure attached to the house! It's almost certainly one of those two things. Unless, and this probably isn't even close to the mark, it has to do with somebody's sanity!

The demon is Mona Shard and she's currently in the body of a little girl (although the little girl isn't so little. Maybe Mona Shard made her look more adult so the tons of sex she was having wouldn't be so weird). Mona Shard thinks being in the body of a little girl makes her safe but Katana points out that the little girl isn't really worth saving. Because, as Katana says, "she's a bully. A novice in the art of sadism. A bad seed." I'm sure glad Katana says everything three times so that I'm sure to understand one of them!

Mona Shard is a whiny little bitch.

Katana gets tired of hearing Mona and the girl whose body she's in squabbling. So she says, "Two brats fighting over who's the bigger brat? Don't kids get to have childhoods anymore?" I wish Katana had said each of those sentences three ways because I don't understand what she's getting at! They're acting like children but they haven't had a childhood? Oh wait! I think it's profound! I only know that because I don't understand it, so it must be philosophy!

Katana tells Mona Shard her Secret Origin story about how she liked collectible card games. She also liked forcing brothers to compete for her affection. The only way to collect the weapon cards she was currently collecting was to wait for a visit from the Ghost Train full of Living Weapon Freaks! It was a super tough set to finish!

I'm sure this is some kind of metaphor for how the Soultaker Sword tore the Tatsu, Maseo, and Takeo apart since it's just a story being told by Katana. Because as a true story, it's fucking ridiculous!

Later, Tatsu gets some wise advice from an old man. I know it's wise because it's so stupid. Tatsu takes it all in and promises to eat more carrots. I think that's some kind of perverse old man innuendo.

After the story, the Ghost Train reappears! Katana stabs Mona Shard and the train at the same time and Mona Shard winds up on the Ghost Train. But she doesn't have a card? After that, Katana and the bully become best friends and go on to have many wild adventures in the old west. The end!

Katana Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I hated it so much that it was the best Ann Nocenti story in a long while! I bet it would make sense if I thought about it but who wants to ruin such a magical ghost trainwreck of a story! I wonder if she gave an interview with somebody where she explains the story she wanted to tell before fucking it all up in the script?

Futures End #31

Guess who had a cookie today?! Me!

Why are people so sad that Ronnie Raymond died? It's not like Firestorm died! Just the self-hating homosexual star quarterback! I can see why his lover, Jason Rusch, would be sad. But that's about it. As long as Firestorm is still kicking about, the Justice League has no reason to give a fuck. Plus the new Firestorm has tits! The Justice League needs more tits! I mean women! I hope nobody was offended that I said "tits" when I meant "women." It's a natural mistake being that I'm so super masculine and manly, I can't even hide how much I love to do it to women! Whenever I'm up in the club, the other guys always come up to me and go, "Duuuuude! I might as well be a woman!" And I'm all, "Yeah, bra. Totes." Then I giggle and continue to dance with my hands in the air causing my crop top to rise up to expose my belly ring up front and my thong in the back. Then the babes all flock to me and dance all around me and occasionally one of them will get really close to my face and shout over the throbbing bass, "You should meet my brother." And I'm all, "Yeah? Cool." Because I guess her brother is totally masculine and cool too and we could watch football together and shotgun beers and belch and stuff.

I really love waffle fries too, so I guess that's like a totally manly man thing to do. Some time when I meet a super hot chick that's totally the kind of woman that manly men would go for, I'm going to sidle up to her and say, "Hey, my little chile pepper. How'd you like to go back to my place. We could eat waffle fries and marathon some Mad Men." And she'll be all, "Which seasons?" And I'll be all, "Four and five of the former, garlic salt and a dash of red pepper flakes on the latter. I mean, the other way around. Dammit! I totally screwed that up." Then we'd probably wind up married or something with like dozens of kids cause I probably have super sperm being that I'm so super manly. And she'd probably die in child birth on the 25th kid and I'd be so sad and despondent but at the funeral, all the ladies would be all, "Want to do it in the casket?" And I'd be all, "Oh yeah!" Then they'd see me opening my wife's casket and they'd be all, "No, no! We meant in an empty one!" Then I'd totally blush and act embarrassed which would be so super manly that all of their clothes would fall right off and even the priest would have to admit that he was turned on a little by my manliness.

I probably shouldn't brag so much about my gift! You poor comic book loving dorks are probably super envious of me right now and wishing you were half as manly as I am. Well, I have some advice for you: stop wearing those superhero t-shirts that look like they were airbrushed in a kiosk at the state fair. Those are totally not manly. Also, eat more corndogs in public. That's super hot.

Okay, stop thinking about my manliness! It's time to concentrate on Futures End where Lois Lane is holding a press conference to get as many people as possible to visit her website. Hey! That's a good idea! I bet one of the crappy local news station in this area would be willing to do a story on me since I live in the area and am local and they're total fucking whores who don't really report real news anyway.

Is it really an international coverup? Or is it just an out of control corporation with the world's deadliest mercenary slash superhero bounty hunter on its payroll?

As Lois exposes Cadmus's crimes to the world, Brother Eye plays Angry Birds on her cell phone. Except who plays Angry Birds anymore? Just insert whatever the newest waste of time app is most popular in place of Angry Birds. I don't have a smart phone, so how should I know how the masses are bringing about the end of the world?

Back on Green Arrow Island (narcissist much?), Animal Man and his brood come for a visit. Looks like Buddy and Ollie have become fast friends after all that flirting they've been doing over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

It's been five years and Cliffy hasn't returned from the dead? What kind of second-rate comic book world is this?

I may be a bit lukewarm to most of this Futures End stuff, but Buddy and Ollie hanging out together on Green Arrow Beach on Green Arrow Island drinking Green Arrows from the Green Arrow Beach Bar is a sweet and emotional moment that made me tear up a bit. In a manly way! The way men tear up when they've flexed too many muscles at once!

Opposite this page was a nightmare inducing advertisement for SuperHeroStuff.com. Although I think I might want to fuck Robin now while slapping the stupid grin from Nightwing's face.

I hope Ollie has banned all technology from the island so that when Brother Eye takes over, he can stay in retirement.

Meanwhile in Tunguska, Constantine and Superman (and some Brainiac devotee named Midge (should I remember her?!)) meet up with Ursa Major, some cosmic Brainiac Bear that, I suppose, arrived in 1908 according to the best television show to ever show on television, In Search Of. Although they might not have mentioned the bear back then. I think that was a secret up until now.

Speaking of a bear, have you read N. Scott Momaday's The Ancient Child? I don't know who it would resonate with but it spoke to me while in college as I was in a major transformative time of my life. It didn't hurt that it revolved around the Kiowa myth of Devil's Tower, an object I practically revered as a young child. Just, you know, a book suggestion for all you college kids!

Constantine tells Superman that he needs to go back home to stop Brainiac and his harvesting. I think. I hate to admit any weakness being that I'm hypermasculine, but I'm really not quite sure what it's all about. The Bear told Superman he would be spared because Brainiac liked his dad. But he doesn't seem to offer an alternative to Earth being harvested!

Back in Pittsburgh, Ronnie and Madison try to come to terms with being merged together permanently.

That sly dog! Jason mentions Madison thinking about Tim's cock because he wants her to start thinking about Tim's cock!

Madison decides not to tell Tim Drake that she's alive because then Jason Rusch might get a sneak peak at all the things she wants to do to Tim and who wants Jason Rusch orgasming in her head?

Futures End #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better when it takes its time with its scenes. I think because there were so many "deaths" last issue, the writers felt the story could use a little down time this issue. Plus Ronnie Raymond needed to be buried. I'm mostly excited to watch Buddy and Oliver's friendship develop into the close friendship seen in this issue. And since Jeff Lemire is working on both, I'm optimistic that he'll continue to develop it over in Justice League United. Or Canada. Whatever!

Justice League United #3

Is Batman on the cover because he's going to judge Justice League Canada for not inviting him to the party, or is this one of those "75 Years of Batman" covers?

Bruce Wayne has probably trademarked the name "Justice League" which is why Batman always has to involve himself somehow. Martian Manhunter has the trademark of the name on Mars which is why he's always butting in and trying to be a member as well. You've got to protect your trademarks or before you know it, Justice League Enema Kits! Although Bruce might let that infringement slide simply because they'd probably use Aquaman on the label.

I suppose this comic book is called "Justice League United" because it's going to star different Justice Leagues started in different countries. Or it could simply be that "gathering to protect the galaxy..." doesn't sound like something with which Canada would involve itself. "Not our problem, eh?"

This issue begins with Miiyahbin undergoing her secret origin as something that's pretending to be her grandfather tells her that the power was always within her or to let go or the crane kick cannot be defended or life's like a movie, write your own ending keep believing, or something.

Definitely not her grandfather since he thinks her name is "Meeyahbin.

Last issue ended with Byth finally having his baby, Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds. This issue begins with everybody going, "Okay. Now what?" But the "now what?" doesn't need an answer because the Rannians teleport everybody all over the place so that the story can sort of start over with the characters parceled out where they can contrive the best plot. Hawkman, Adam Strange, Byth, and Ace Ultra wind up with the Rannian scientists that began the whole "let's make the ultimate mixed-race baby!" mess. And everybody else appears in a desert with Twat Lobo. The first thing Twat Lobo does is punch Supergirl in the back of the head because he's met her before and remembers her favorite greeting. SOKKO!

That's Twat Lobo to you, J'onn.

Supergirl greets Twat Lobo back which sends him into low orbit around Rann. During the very short confrontation, Green Arrow proved he was, at best, a distraction and slightly less than at best, completely worthless. The only way he's going to prove his worth to me is if he heartlessly kills Ace Ultra the baby. That would prove to me that he has a place on this team! He does what nobody else can do because he has the most severe daddy issues. As he stabs Baby Ace Ultra in the face with his best trick arrow (the arrow that isn't a trick at all but is actually sharp and can kill which always surprises the thugs because good guys don't kill, right?), he'll scream, "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm sorry I said I didn't love you and then you died and now you can never know that I actually loved you because minor characters don't often come back from the dead! I wish I was on that island that John Locke was on and could wish you back into existence so I could say I loved you! Except hopefully you would say it back instead of treating me like crap the way Locke's father treated him. Would you love me then, Daddy?! Would you?" Then he'd look down at the bloody mess in the crib before him and think, "What did I just do?"

J'onn decides that Ace Ultra the Infant Destroyer of Worlds is more dangerous than Twat Lobo. Is J'onn crazy? Ace Ultra is not going to have a shitty monthly comic book coming out in the Fall, so I think Twat Lobo is more dangerous. Destroy him before his comic book can give me an embolism! And kill Klarion the Witch Boy while you're at it. I'd rather he be dead than written by Ann Nocenti. It's simply more humane.

Soon, a third problem even bigger than Twat Lobo crops up.

I don't know much about fashion and I know even less about zeta beam teleportation, but I think I know enough to not trust a teleportation system to some guy that fell for the stirrup collar shirt fashion trend.

J'onn decides to split up the teams to take care of their three problems. For some reason, he chooses Green Arrow to go with him, Supergirl, and Stargirl to stop Ace Ultra, Mixed-Race Baby. Oh, he probably realizes, as I did earlier, that Green Arrow is the only one with nothing to lose and therefore willing to stab a baby in the face and kill it. He asks Adam Strange, Animal Man, and Hawkman to stay behind and help old stirrup head. The last of the group, he sends after Twat Lobo.

If you've been paying attention, there is no last of the group. Why J'onn doesn't think Twat Lobo is a threat, I don't know! Doesn't he realize I'm going to be paying $2.99 a month to read his twatty adventures?! Help a brother out here, J'onn! Let Supergirl kill him!

And Green Arrow can stab a baby in the face. Right, J'onn? Um, J'onn? J'ONN! You forgot Green...ah, who cares.

All else doesn't fail, but Supergirl steps up and takes over J'onn's plan anyway. She takes Byth to a secret corner of Rann to beat him senseless leaving Stargirl and J'onn to deal with Ace Ultra, Toddler Destroyer of Worlds. He's really aging quickly now. Like one of those god-awful commercials companies are currently in love with where they show one person age across their entire life in the span of two minutes of ad time. Fuck you, whatever companies those are but I don't know because I'm an awful capitalist and only remember my own rage and not the product I'm mad at. Like I need any more reminders of my fleeting mortality! Now you want to sell me a product based on the fact that I'm aging quicker and quicker and will soon be feeding worms? Fuck off, you bastards! You've just ruined my night!

With Byth out of the way, J'onn manages to convince Ace Ultra that they can help him.

If only Byth had introduced Ace Ultra to the Stranger Danger Campaign earlier in his life cycle. It's never too early to start teaching your child to trust no one!

Meanwhile Hawkman sacrifices himself to save Rann by flying off into the sky with the unstable Zeta Beam Core. But when it explodes, he probably just got teleported forward in time a little bit to just after he blew up with the core because there were voices coming out of the Zeta Beam Matrix that didn't belong to anybody earlier. So it was probably Sardath saying, "I can't--I--," which probably meant he can't believe Hawkman sacrificed himself. And then another voice was saying, "Sardath?" And that voice was either Hawkman saying it or Animal Man saying it while elbowing Sardath and looking at Hawkman suddenly appearing.

The speech bubbles could also just have been placed funny. But it didn't look like a mistake.

And then Lobo runs over Supergirl's vagina.

FWAASH!

Only long time readers will understand the "FWAASH" caption. So basically, nobody understood it and I'm just sitting her amusing myself.

I said "amusing," not "abusing." Pervs.

Twat Lobo rescues Byth and they fly away to be super fucking annoying another day. And Supergirl recovers Hawkman's body and declares he's dead. Sure, sure. And he lost an arm as well, didn't he? He'll be back on his feet in no time. I have got to get me some of that Nth metal.

Justice League United #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I heartily approve of chili. Also of this team. My favorite part of this issue was when Martian Manhunter forgot Green Arrow, even though that was probably a mistake. But then I have a history of loving mistakes. When I first saw The Goonies in the theater, my favorite part was when Data said his favorite part was the Octopus! But there was no octopus! Man, I thought that was hilarious! The little genius smarting off and lying to the local media! My hero! Of course, years later, Disney decided to stick the octopus scene back in when they aired it on the Disney Channel and it ruined my entire life. That's the exact moment I just said, "To hell with it all." And that's why I'm a petty little asshole on the internet making fun of the creators of DC Comics. Thanks a lot, Disney!

Justice League United #2

Hawkman grew his arm back already? Now I want to shoot up with Nth Metal.

I've been watching Season One of Young Justice on Netflix right now. I'm impressed. I'm not surprised that I'm impressed because DC seems to have a way with cartoons that they don't have anymore with comic books. I've missed a lot of DC's cartoons simply because I find it hard to care enough to be awake on Saturday mornings. The last time I watched a Saturday morning cartoon regularly was in 2002 and it was Yu-Gi-Oh. I'm only about eight episodes or so into Young Justice but the part that got me most excited (aside from realizing Winnie Cooper was the voice of Martian Teenagegirlhunter) was when Teekl appeared and ran inside to Klarion the Witch Boy. Jack Kirby created a lot of great characters but Klarion the Witch Boy might be my all time favorite. I do own the original Demon comic book where he first appeared but I really fell in love with him when Alan Grant was writing The Demon.

That has nothing to do with Justice League United but then when does anything I say ever have anything to do with the comic book I'm supposed to be reading? If you want organization and coherence, might I suggest Comic Vineyard or Funny Book Resources?

The issue begins with Miiyahbin and her friend Heather poking around the alien base where Adam Strange found his rocket suit.

Oh yeah. She's screaming for a fucking nickname. I'll never remember that! Why couldn't Heather be the new First Nations superhero?

Justice League Canada are currently on Rann according to the not-funny-at-all DC version of the Encyclopedia Galactica. Although the Encyclopedia Galactica might never actually have been funny. It could just be that whenever a writer for the Hitchhiker's Guide referenced it, they took some liberties with it to make the entry sound more interesting. Sort of like what I do with DC's comic books!

Damn. He can pinpoint the galaxy they're in just by looking at a few moons in the sky?! Martian Manhunter is even more amazing than I already thought he was!

I'm surprised Martian Manhunter even took Ollie's question seriously. How dare Green Arrow expect the alien to know all alien things! I guess Ollie never went fishing with his grandfather when he was younger, so he never learned the meaning of the word "prejudiced."

The Elemental Creature was Zeta Beamed to Rann with the JLC, so they need to spend a few more pages battling it. Luckily Supergirl shows up for some reason. She's not a Red Lantern anymore so she must be lonely again and looking for another surrogate family. She doesn't save everybody from the creature because some Rannites arrive to contain the creature with their superior technology and greater knowledge.

On a Thanagarian moon, Hawkman and Twat Lobo continue to scuffle.

While two characters I hate with the burning intensity of twenty rebellious sons, Byth gives birth to Ultra the Super Baby, Slayer of Worlds. That's putting an awful lot of pressure on the kid before it even awakens for the first time. What if it wants to be an actor or a poet? Just because Byth couldn't fulfill his own dream of slaying worlds that doesn't mean he should force his child to pursue the same goals.

The Rannianite that brought the Justice League Canada to Rann gives a brief explanation of the wars that plague the Polaris and Vegan systems. He points out how Thanagar and Czarnia are at the heart of the conflict which would mean that DC has decided to run with Rob Liefeld's earlier mistake of claiming the Czarnians are still alive. I suppose that's also a reason for Twat Lobo as well. Original Lobo must be schizophrenic and believes that he committed genocide against his own people but in actuality, they're all still healthy enough to commit war atrocities against a bunch of other races. I think I hate DC just a little bit more by giving in to Rob Liefeld's bullshit.

Sardath of Rann explains that Project Super Baby Ultra was a peaceful project where they would create a monster bearing the DNA of all the races in the universe. The grotesque and misshapen barely alive mess would be loved by all. It would also live in incredible pain from all the genetic problems fucking up its system. But at least it would bring the universe together! Except for those races that hate babies or hate children of interracial couples or just don't like changing diapers. The plan probably could have used a few more brainstorming sessions to work out all the kinks. But before Sardath and his scientists could finish creating the freak, Byth stole the baby for himself! Now Sardath needs the Justice League Canada to clean up his shit.

Oh fuck you, J'onn. Enough with this "playing God" bullshit. Why is creating a hybrid baby playing god? Science is science! Why is there suddenly an imaginary line between all the science that is done without J'onn judging it and then making a hybrid baby? I think you're playing God, J'onn, by judging these scientists and their actions! You dick. Go fuck an Oreo.

The Justice League Canada crash Byth's birthing party but they're too late. Super Baby Ultra wakes up with eyes full of stars, says "Greg?" and then pisses a fiery hole right through the wall of Byth's headquarters.

Meanwhile, Hawkman and Twat Lobo take their fight into the vacuum of space with the winner to be determined later.

Justice League United #2 Rating: No change. I didn't feel the writing was quite as snappy as the previous two issues but I still like this team better than any of the others. Okay, I like Justice League Dark the best but their roster is in such flux right now, I don't know who will be on it and if I'll like them or not. So right now, this is the best team. Although Supergirl's introduction was a bit unexplained. She heard a beast roar from light years away and came to investigate? Like she isn't hearing roars from all over the universe? She just decided to investigate this one? Okay, whatever. I'll buy it! I mean, comic books, right?

Justice League United #1

Try not to look so bored, Ollie. You're lucky to be on this team.

This is Issue #1 but it's the second issue of a five part story because the first part took place in Issue #0. This is a really irresponsible use of the Zero Issue format, DC Comics. You can't just start a comic book at Issue Zero! Issue Zero is for rejiggering origins! Or telling origins! Or throwing together a half-assed story simply to seem like you're doing something special. But to make it part of a five part opening story arc? Ludicrous! If I could, I'd take away your Comic Publisher credentials! Sickening.

Issue #0 was a pretty good beginning in a lot of ways. One way it wasn't any good was that it ended with Twat Lobo about to battle Hakwman (the "twat" in front of Hawkman is assumed). That fight doesn't really interest me. Although it might be the first time in the history of reading a DC Comic Book that I found myself rooting for Hawkman.

God dammit! Get up, you loser!

As an atheist, I should probably stop using the terms "God" and "Jesus Christ" and "Allah save me" and "By Joseph Smith's Golden Plates!" Although, truly, it just shows how secular religion has become. It's just part of the cultural landscape. A little tinsel on the zeitgeist of the modern age. I think it's some kind of conspiracy to get atheists used to taking your Lord's name in vain as just another curse when they stub their toe so that when the time finally comes and death is bearing down on one of us, we'll scream out, "Jesus Christ no!" Then at the funeral, some religious family member will be able to stand in front of my casket (closed due to what the hippopotami did to the body) and claim that I had, in the end, finally accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. It's bad enough I'll probably convert to Mormonism after I die; I don't want to also be thought of as a Born Again (Right Before Death) Christian as well!

Actually, I won't fucking care what people think of me when I'm dead. Because I'll be dead. And not thinking anything. In fact, at that point, I'm not even sure I can be considered dead. I'll just no longer exist. My organic husk will be dead. But that's not me. The brain isn't even me. It's the electrical impulses inside the brain that create the illusion of me!

Fuck me. I'm just a Las Vegas Magician's Illusion? Well, I guess there are worse things to be. Like a Las Vegas Magician!

Anyway, the fight continues.

Wrong! Twat Lobo took care of his spineless race! Hawkman is an ignorant mother fucker.

I will apologize to Hawkman if it turns out that Lobo's committing genocide against his own people is not actually a part of Twat Lobo's history. It's possible it's just a delusion of "Imposter" Lobo. I put "imposter" in quotation marks because I really meant to say the real and original and true Lobo. But I'm trying to respect Bennett's Twat History of the DC Universe which she created in Lobo #1 last September.

Meanwhile in Canada, the soon-to-be founding members of Justice League Canada are battling an elemental giant. My favorite thing so far about this team is the way Green Arrow and Animal Man take every opportunity to insult each other. Busting balls is such a time honored tradition, it's hard to think that our society is trying to move us to a place where it's frowned upon! How are you ever going to tell who is the best friend of whom when nobody is insulting the fuck out of each other?

Are you a human without any powers caught up in a battle against alien elemental giants?! Then put on a ridiculous costume!

I guess Adam Strange is smiling because he's a Professor of Alien Fashion and he can see some kind of battle potential in the crazy rocketeer outfit he just found. It just looks like a slightly more stylish than normal space suit! It's especially stylish in the area of not making the wearer look fat. So he'll already be one up on David Zavimbe and his Batwing suit.

By the very next panel, Adam Strange is already suited up and flying around with a laser gun in his hand. Just as I suspected! He is a professor of whatever I said he was a professor of earlier.

Here we get a glimpse of Green Arrow's usefulness.

J'onn reads the Elemental's mind and discovers it was experimented on by a conspiracy of Evil Mr. Smarty Pantses. It's just an innocent victim in all of this! So now he's going to have to convince it to stop fighting and get a real job. It'll probably have to resort to driving a taxi cab because it seems to have a lot of useful skills but it's going to need a work visa and who's going to hire it without any academic proof of its abilities? Instead of choosing that life, it instead chooses to kidnap J'onn and run away with him.

Back in Byth's compound on Thalhalla, Alanna leads an escape attempt by kicking Khund warriors in their Khund testicles. Her escape doesn't last long though because she soon finds herself in a room with Adam Strange. Too bad she doesn't know that Lord Byth is running this show and he has the ability to change into any creature he chooses. Right down to their special abilities. So Alanna isn't going to be able to tell this isn't Adam Strange even if he begins doing that special Canadian thing he does to her butthole that she loves so much.

I would normally thoroughly enjoy Hawkman losing an arm like this but since it's at the hands of Twat Lobo, it loses a little something.

The story keeps jumping back and forth between Canada and super outer space. You know, how comic books always do! Except maybe the Canada part. They rarely ever take place in Canada unless the words "Flight" and "Alpha" are on the cover. I just mention that because the next picture I'm going to scan in is back in Canada! I just didn't want anybody to be too terribly confused about the whole jumping back and forth thing. I suppose it gives the reader the sense that all of this action is happening simultaneously. It's a much better effect than forcing the reader to read both parts at the exact same time.

I've always liked Buddy Baker and never cared about Oliver Queen. But fuck it if Lemire isn't making me love the idea of him in this.

This might be the best Justice League title out there and it's only had two issues so far! I can see Animal Man and Green Arrow quickly becoming my favorite comic book pairing! Look out Booster and Beetle, you've got some competition! Although my real favorite duo is Ambush Bug and Cheeks. But I don't think that counts for some reason that Ambush Bug could probably explain to me.

Before the team can catch up to J'onn and Stargirl, they've turned the elemental into kindling. But even then, it continues to try to form a humanoid shape. As Green Arrow is about to burn it up with a Cigarette Lighter Arrow, the entire team (plus the sentient kindling) is transported to the planet Rann. One of those moons is probably Thalhalla. Maybe I should type the name of the moon correctly so I don't actually think it's called Thalhalla next month. No, fuck it. I can't remember names anyway. I'll just stick with my own!

Lord Byth really, really, really wants to try that special Canadian thing.

After Lord Byth is rejected, he decides to introduce Alanna to the reason he and Twat Lobo are collecting creatures from all over the universe.

Really? Justice League Canada is going to have to battle a baby? That baby is fucked!

I hope Byth gives Ultra the Multi-Alien a real name. Like Ace!

Justice League United #1 Rating: +4 Ranking. Best Justice League so far! If you need more reasons why it's a good read, go read a real review on Comic Vineyard. This comic review site is akin to getting shitfaced while hanging out under the bleachers at the Homecoming Game.

Justice League United #0

Here's hoping this title can find its own voice before it's yanked into a bunch of DC crossovers where it plays second fiddle to the crossover's plot, loses all semblance of its own identity, and crashes in a burning, flaming, toxic heap of suck. You know, like what DC did to Justice League of America.

Judging by this cover, it looks like Justice League America is simply going to keep a few members while it acknowledges that it isn't the only nation on the North American landmass. It's going to begin representing Canada as well. But fuck Mexico. Can you imagine anybody reading this comic book if a brown person were on the cover?!

Although that woman that looks like a refugee from the Legion of Super-heroes might be tinted a bit brown. Or else she's slightly pinker! It's hard to tell. I guess J'onn is green, so that's diversity, right? Except have you noticed that when he disguises himself as a human, it's usually a Caucasian? Probably because he doesn't want to be hassled by the cops when he's in disguise.

This issue's story is called "Justice League Canada" and it's part one of a five part story. So it seems like Justice League United will be about Justice Leagues all over the world? Each time a new one is spotlighted, we'll get a new little flag image in the "D" of United? That seems like a pretty good idea. And starting with Canada, it eases people into the idea since most of the members of a Canadian Justice League will be Americans and/or aliens and/or hockey players.

This issue introduces Adam Strange for the first time to The New 52, and his wife Alanna. I mean his girlfriend! No way is DC going to allow two members of Team Canada to be married, right? For some reason, Green Arrow was still wanted and Supergirl is not a Red Lantern. Also, everybody is alive, so I guess Forever Evil ended on a happy note.

The issue also begins three days in the future and millions of light years away from Earth. You know what that means, right? Time to flash back to the present!

Why the fuck did this series begin with Issue Zero?! Especially since it's Part One of Five? Stupid!

Adam Strange barges to the front of the line because he thinks he's more important than adults in brightly colored tights. He has "real" business. It involves his grad student, Alanna, disappearing. What appears, though, is Alanna is a grad student of his! Hey, Adam, have you maybe thought about keeping your Professor dick out of your student vaginas? No matter how much it seems "love" is blossoming, you're actually exploiting a student's feelings of respect and infatuation with a trusted, authority (and let's not leave out father) figure. Not that I know anything is currently going on! But knowing Preboot history, I have my suspicions!

Dr. Adam Strange found an oddly shaped skull (which Stargirl immediately judges as "gross" because she can't help judging everyfuckingbody by their looks) and a device that he knows nothing about. So a device that he probably shouldn't have brought with him to a convention full of people! Also a device that probably shouldn't have gotten through security unless it had been under the arm of an attendee in a Tank Girl cosplay. The device, of course, turns out to be dangerous. Or at least unpredictable.

The Sleestak cosplay is the best cosplay ever.

Animal Man and Stargirl decide they'd make the best Brave and Bold or World's Finest team up ever, so they decide to help out Adam Strange. They travel to the archaeological dig where Alanna disappeared. That's when Animal Man decides, with a person missing, to make fun of the Canadian's accent. Perhaps that's part of an Arctic Fox's abilities. Or inabilities! The inability to refrain from smart-ass comments.

That isn't sweet at all! It's a breach of trust! It's an abuse of the teacher/student relationship!

Meanwhile over on Moose Factory Island (possibly the best name of anywhere ever), the woman that looks like an outcast from the Legion of Super-heroes battles a creature called the Whitago. Maybe that's the Moose Cree First Nation equivalent of the Wendigo! Also, this woman, Miiyahbin, is Moose Cree First Nation! So she isn't pinkerer on the cover at all. She really did have more of a Korugarian hue than a Native American, so you can understand my confusion. Or you can't! Whatever!

While Keewahtin (or whatever her super hero name will end up being if she's more like Apache Chief and less like Shazam) realizes she just hallucinated the Whitago (or had a vision or something), Animal Man, Stargirl, and Adam Strange are attacked by aliens speaking gibberish. They're saved by Green Arrow and Martian Manhunter, as unlikely as Green Arrow saving anybody sounds.

Buddy Baker and I have things in common.

Green Arrow says mean things about Animal Man which I personally take offense to. Why do people have to be so mean sometimes?! If you can't say something nice about a character I like then don't say anything at all, you stupid bow-wielding useless piece of shit scumbag bastard fuckfaced fuck.

After Buddy proves he's too civilized to respond to Green Arrow's comments, the super heroes discover aliens beneath the surface. They're planning bad things! I think according to the beginning of this comic, they plan on birthing a destroyer of worlds! Isn't that always the way? That's why I'm guessing it! Because it's always the way!

The villain behind it all: BYTH!

According to the Ancient Parchment of Who's Who, Byth was once the greatest thief on the planet Thanagar. Which is probably why he's stationed on the Thanagarian moon of Thalsalla. He also has the ability to transform into any creature he's ever seen with access to all of the creature's abilities. Does that mean he'll be a good match-up for Animal Man?

Alanna has been captured by Byth and placed in a cell with dozens of other captives. Byth sends his main man to dispose of the captives. That main man is actually the Twat Main Man, Twat Lobo. And before he can kill all of the prisoners, he'll have to kill the biggest prisoner of them all!

Twat Hawkman.

Justice League United #0 Rating: I think I'll rate this one a little higher than better than half the other DC titles. It's still a bit early to tell but I like the make up of the group so far. Buddy Baker is a bit of a joker but mostly a nice guy that might be slightly naive. Perfect for Team Canada! Green Arrow is an arrogant young stud that continues to think, for some reason, his bow and arrows are an efficient weapon against super villains. Stargirl is inexperienced but willing to give everything to help those in need. She is a bit superficial though. Martian Manhunter is the steady voice, the experience leader. He's perfect to keep this young group under control without being grim and overbearing. I don't know enough about Mii. It's possible she's a new incarnation of an older character but I don't recognize her. Maybe she's Whitago! And Adam Strange is an interesting character to bring into the mix. I can't say I was ever truly excited to see him team up with Superman but they always wound up having exciting adventures in space. So with him on the team (and judging how this book began), I'm hoping Justice League Canada winds up fighting across space more often than across tundra.

Animal Man #29

When will The Bakers be allowed to live happily ever after?

I'm tired of death and the destruction of the universe being the bars by which we judge the tribulations in a super hero's life. Why can't they battle and rage against the daily downturns which make life truly difficult for the rest of us? Like when I hit the McDonald's drive-thru at three in the morning for a one dollar iced tea and they're out of iced tea because they're assholes? And what do I do when I find out that information but now I'm stuck behind other cars in the drive-thru!? Even if I could get out of this entanglement, where do I go to get cheap, shitty tea now?! At least McDonald's Ice Tea is just $1 for a giant tankard of it. Every place else charges over two dollars! For tea that was probably brewed hours ago, sitting and steeping in an atmosphere thick with meat particles and the disdain and contempt of fast food employees! I can accept tea that tastes like the bottom of a 1970s car ashtray or the horse's side of a leather saddle if it cost one dollar and is nice and cold. But anything more than a dollar is an outrageous affront to usury laws! I think. Probably not. But it might as well be! So change the definition of usury until my complaint makes sense, you assholes in Washington! Always keeping me down with proper definitions of usury laws.

That may have turned into an inconsequential rant about the inability to find drinkable iced tea at three in the morning and distracted you from the original point, so let me get back to the crux of that point: why does DC feel everything has to be so grim to be interesting? Let's look at last week's comics as examples.

Justice League of America: Stargirl dealing with the death of her brother while her cohorts are trapped inside a Slash Fiction Matrix. I think the message was supposed to be a bit uplifting in that Stargirl is full of hope and youthful passion and how her parents accepted her choice to become a super hero because they believe in her goodness. But it's still kind of a downer seeing as how her brother died and the world is falling apart.

Green Lantern Corps: The entire universe is once again threatened as the Corps has been misrepresented, leading to a universal uprising against them. So, once again, the Lanterns are teetering on universal destruction. Although this cosmic crisis might be more of an "I can't get good iced tea in the wee hours" level of crisis for these assholes.

Batgirl: A little girl was murdered and turned into a vampire and then murdered again as a vampire. Fun!

Nightwing: This issue was a great, uplifting, kind of seriously revisionist look at Nightwing and who he is. Great stuff! But it centered around a little girl's parents being murdered by Zsasz. Sad face reverse smiley smoking gun. Hmm, Gina from Brooklyn 99 is right! Speaking in emojis really improves language!

Constantine: While the world falls apart around his ears, Constantine kills an old friend and lover just before plummeting into Hell. Good times!

Superboy: Joke-El, the new Superboy, is recruiting a new Twisted Legion of Super Knock-offs to kill all super humans and enslave all of space and time. Full of super warm fuzzies! On a good note, he's looking to kill Harvest. I'd say that's a shining city on a hill positive beacon of special hugs.

Batman: A story about the beginning of The Riddler's career and how he may have amassed a larger body count in his opening gambits than The Joker has across his entire career. Lots of death and destruction and Batman weeping into his Grimdark Cereal with Marshmallow Bats.

Justice League 3000: This comic definitely has an upbeat, goofy vibe to it but let me provide a closer examination to what's really going on in this thing: civilians' identities are being erased so that Justice League 3000 members can be created and recreated. So it's basically a comic book about eugenics experiments during a backdrop of war and universal rebellion.

Ms. Marvel: Okay, this isn't a DC Comic book. But guess what? That's why it's not dealing with death and destruction! This is just the story of a teenaged girl trying to figure out who she is as she's caught in a tug of war between her private life of her parents' traditional values and her public life amid the devil-may-care American culture she's surrounded by. So far no death and destruction although that Terigen Fog was kind of weird.

Suicide Squad: The entire story revolves around the toilet. It also has "suicide" in its name. Two characters apparently die while the rest are once again subjugated and forced into service by Amanda Waller. Also the world is still falling apart over here! But really, I'd be an idiot to expect anything less than death and destruction in a series called Suicide Squad! Although Giffen did attempt that over a decade ago. People didn't respond well. I liked it though!

Harley Quinn: Harley has a bit of trouble fitting in to her two new jobs as she gets caught up in murder, kidnapping, and a serious hit and run. Even with all that violence, this one has a fun attitude and isn't grim at all! Go figure!

Pandora: More end of the world shenanigans. Nobody whining about iced tea or blisters on their toes. Lots of mystical mumbo jumbo. It wasn't really grim but it wasn't really much of anything. Just a lot of Felix Faust screaming about the length of his dick.

Maybe I should just do mini-reviews like these and stop with all the lengthy commentaries! Holy fuck! I could get my life back! I'll think about it. Until then, on to Animal Man!

Just as Ellen was beginning to accept this crazy, wacky family, Buddy changes it all up again!

I'm sad that Maxine won't get to be Animal Girl anymore. I bet she'll be sad too! Her father just brokered a deal to remove her powers and take her friend Socks away from her! He'd better not return home empty handed. He needs to find a gift for her and that gift had better be Cliffy! Although I was just coming to terms with his death so that my throw my emotional equilibrium out of whack if he suddenly gets to live again.

Ellen seems happy with the deal. Her daughter is safe now. Buddy can still be a superhero but he's got to go back to their original agreement that he keeps the crazy, dangerous stuff away from the family. Because he had so much control over keeping up his end of that deal before! Maxine seems okay with not having any more Animal Powers. At least for now. When her father comes in to check on her, she seems worried about him and decides to tell him a story about a princess and her father in Lemireland.

Maxine's story about working her way through the grief over the loss of her brother.

Maxine's story is that bullshit story parents tell their children so they don't have to actually explain the horror of the brevity of existence. Cliff may be dead but he's happy somewhere else. And one day when Maxine is lucky enough to die, she'll finally get to see him again in the happiest place ever! Hooray for the greatest fable of all: the continuance of the ego! It makes grief palatable!

After the story, Buddy says goodnight to Ellen and Maxine and a spider. He also catches and releases a spider which is the most important lesson of all here! You don't have to be afraid and death does not have to be the response to fear even if you do! I won't pretend that the spider might somehow be Cliff because that's too easy a response to how this ends. Death and fear are far more complicated than believing that your personality somehow transcends the limit of your organic shell, either by becoming an incorporeal being that resides in paradise or resurrects as another life form here on Earth. Seeing those as answers is merely looking at the question through a desire to retain ones sense of self. The true power in Buddy's freeing the spider from the home and setting it free is in his acceptance of letting Cliff go. He's releasing him from the confines of the family's need for him. The freeing of the spider is a symbolic act which shows one does not have to be ruled by death and fear. It is also respect for the existence of ego, no matter how small that ego may be. Crushing a spider ends the universe. At least from the spider's point of view. To do so out of carelessness and fear is to disrespect that which the great gift we have in common with it: a spectacularly brief existence. Who are we to make that existence any briefer?

Animal Man #29 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's always nice to see Lemire put on the penciller's cap. And it was nice to see the family come together in acceptance of all that has come before rather than trying to deny any part of it. Maxine tells a nice story, even if I don't buy into the idea that Cliff still exists somehow, somewhere. I also don't believe in elves but I can still enjoy Middle Earth.

Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.