Justice League #27

Cyborg 2.0 looks a lot like Cyborg Preboot.0.

I guess I'm supposed to be reading this even though the Forever Evil Checklists have constantly been telling me that Forever Evil #5 was supposed to be out in January and I haven't read it yet. I see it comes out later today though, so I guess DC knows what they're doing. Ha ha. That was a good joke!

No recap this commentary because I'm on a deadline. Also, I have no idea what plot points were in Justice League and which were in Forever Evil and which were in Justice League of America and which were in Forever Villainous Dying Time and which were in No Mercy For Whimsical Fucks and which were in We're DC Comics and We Don't Believe in Fun Loving Good Time Nonsense.

Actually, the recap would have taken less time than my statement about not having time for a recap. Last issue, Grid learned the secret origins of most of the Crime Syndicate. Only Superwoman remains a mystery.

This issue begins in Denver, Colorado with a version of Doom Patrol I don't give any fucks about. Which is probably a good thing because they're probably going to die. What with being members of a group called "The Doom Patrol" and all.

The good thing about death in the Doom Patrol is that there is always room for another complete roster change. Except for Robotman. If Cliff Steele isn't on the team, it's not the Doom Patrol. Which means this isn't the fucking Doom Patrol. It's just a bunch of cannon fodder Niles Caulder manipulated into getting themselves killed.

Karma can't be hit by anyone but explosives can destroy him. At least that's Johnny Quick's mode of reasoning for some reason. I can't guess why he jumps to that conclusion except that he's a stupid, arrogant motherfucker. So he blows up Karma and assumes he's dead. But I bet Karma just ran away during the blast like a ninja or kid's party magician with a smoke bomb. Atomica shrinks down, holds her breath, rides through Scorch's bloodstream, and kicks him in the brain, killing him. Does that make everybody sad thinking about Sue Dibny?

And then the next page gives me enough experience points to become a Superior Master Comic Book Reader!

The "rebuild you" line is spoken by Silas Stone but we all know whose brain in a jar that is and what Niles is about to do! Mostly because I just pointed it out in the last caption. Also, Cliff Steele never wants to be rebuilt. He's more of the "Why don't you just let me die already? I'm sick of seeing my friends die over and over and over again!" kind of guy.

Back in The Red Room (one of the few buildings in Detroit that's not on fire), Silas Stone is telling his son that he's not going to rebuild him. And even if he wanted to, he can't because all the computers have been disabled and forced to run the "This World is Ours" screensaver. I prefer the maze.

And the horse cock. Don't forget the horse's cock!

Silas doesn't want to rebuild Victor but T.O. Morrow, being a mad scientist, proclaims that it is their duty to rebuild Cyborg! But Silas doesn't want to lose his half of a son again. But T.O. Morrow waves his hands around at the Haunted Tank and all of the other crazy technological shit and says, "But if we don't stick arms and legs on Cyborg, how else will we save the world!?" And then a silent tear falls from The Haunted Tank's turret and splashes quietly to the floor.

"But son, I never do what you want. Why do you think it would be different this time?"

Victor tells his dad exactly how things are going to go or else he's going to stare at him really disapprovingly for a really long time. So Silas relents and offers to recreate Cyborg with T.O. Morrow's help. But Victor is leading this surgery now that he knows nearly all data relevant to human existence. Or at least what was stored in his human memory. I'm sure there was a lot of shit stored in separate data banks on his old body. I'm actually surprised he remembers anything. I would have thought his organic brain would have simply been used as Virtual Memory.

Anyway, Victor wants to rebuild himself out of various parts of The Red Room that T.O. Morrow waved at earlier. Hopefully they'll accidentally incorporate the ghost of General Sherman into Cyborg's system! Please please please let that happen! PLEASE!

Once Victor is wheeled into The Red Room, it looks quite different from previous shots of The Red Room. I have a feeling DC wasn't quite sure what was happening with The Red Room and The Black Room at some point and that The Haunted Tank actually belonged in The Black Room. Especially after seeing this new shot of The Red Room. It's full of hyper-technological stuff where the old shot of The Red Room had a lot more mundane items. This place has a Boom Tube Cube and a Giant Robot and The Royal Flush Gang's Ace of Spades Android Robot thing. Plus some ships and crates and mechanical arms and Roombas. I think Cyborg can probably get a pretty sweet upgrade from this shit.

As Cyborg and Drs. Silas and Morrow figure out how to fix up Victor, it's time for the second installment of "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" starring Trivial Pursuit Genus IV questions from 1996! Today's questions come from Card #282:

I got three right according to the answers on the back and not according to actual facts as they may be eighteen years later. Figure out your answers before continuing on!

I got the Pee Pee Category wrong because I believe in questions that have answers and not questions that do not have answers. The answer is zero. I guessed one because I could ask an infinite amount of questions where I pose the possibility of something and then say, "Ha ha. No, nothing like that exists at all, stupid." Although I really should have known better seeing as how I was in China in 1997 and I'm pretty sure they only had one expressway then and it led to The Great Wall, Tourist Trap Extraordinaire! I'm pretty steamed about missing this one because I let my good nature beat out my cynical side. That never fucking happens!

For the Aiiiiieeeee! Category, I scored a point. Not because it's a song a lot of people are familiar with but because I've been to Karaoke at least once in my life (actually many times more but you only need once to hear this song done). It's "My Way" by Garth Brooks or something.

I got the Hysteria question wrong if you can count "not being able to come up with any answer at all" wrong. Hysteria will always be my weakest category because I'd rather make up history than read about it in big books. Not knowing the answer to this is probably the most embarrassed I've ever been while writing this blog. Even more embarrassed than when I admitted to taking a break from reading a comic book to masturbate in the sink. I mean, that was a joke, obviously! Oh, also, the answer was Sinn Fein. Duh!

The Sin question was easy because what the fuck has this entire fucking comic book been about so far! Robots!

The Slutty question was super easy too because I'm Spanish and I love Pineapples and I just heard Piña Colada while eating at Burgerville earlier today. Not that the song tells the listener the literal meaning of the drink's name, but whatever. As the song began, I looked across the table at the Non-Certified Spouse and said, "This song really should end with somebody being shot or stabbed." If you know the song, you'll know why. That is one fucked up song.

And, if you've been doing better math than Troy Aikman or The Birds of Prey, you'll know already that I missed the Wild Card question. It was cow. I guessed pig. Apparently my ability to guess things is off today. If only I were smarter!

Thanks for playing! My record now stands at 6 of 12 which is failing spectacularly! And I've missed quite a few that the average person should get, so if you're only of average intelligence or above, you should be beating me! Congratulations on being a smarmy, no-goodnick, sore winner! Asshole.

Man. Now I look forward more to "Old Trivia That's Probably Totally Wrong Now!" more than reading comic books! It might be time for a new blog to separate the features! No, fuck that. Why would I do that?!

I bet Grid would have aced that card! Cyborg probably wouldn't even know what kinds of animals were farm animals at this point. "Umm, uh, is a Chevrolet an animal?!"

Rip Hunter's Time Ship? Booster Gold's? Could it be Skeets himself?!

Cyborg walks the scientists through his new design. He keeps himself sleek and shiny, more human looking but with a greater variety of weapons. And he has his dad stamp "Made in Detroit" on the back of his head. I suppose that constitutes Cyborg's first tattoo? And then Cyborg 2.0 is finished. And he looks more like a human in a suit than an eight ton walking computer. These guys are amazing scientists and engineers and doctors and miracle workers! They rebuild Cyborg in about fifteen minutes. From near corpse to walking weapon in no time at all. I wonder what Victor's bill is going to be?

Afterward, Victor's dad makes it all about himself again so that Victor has to be the better man and forgive his dad. He hugs him and doesn't "accidentally" crush him like I might have. Victor is a better man than me too!

Cyborg walks off the showroom floor (losing about 20% of his retail value) to go find Platinum because she was fucking crazy sexy. Emphasis on the crazy. But what else can a person expect from an android fitted with one of Dr. Magnus's Responsometers? Hopefully when Vic finds Platinum, he'll find a few other metallic men as well.

Maybe design them bigger next time?

Justice League #27 Rating: +3 Ranking. Even though this was simply a story of Cyborg being rebuilt and a father's love for his son (maybe), it was one of the better Justice League books I've read tonight. Especially since it has now set up The Doom Patrol and The Metal Men for serious inclusion in The New 52. And it sets up a big battle between Grid and Cyborg. Cyborg better watch out because Grid knows he's coming, having seen him via security camera in Hagerstown, Maryopolis.